Author's Note
Disclaimer: The Author does not take responsibility for any injuries caused by facepalms, mindblowings, headdeskings, rofls, and ragequits triggered by the reading of this fan fiction. Crack shipping is a dangerous endeavor and should not be attempted without professional training in a supervised environment.
Honor Among Thieves (I)
DARING DOand the
HONOR AMONG THIEVES
another mlp:fim fanfiction by: RUST
with editing and proofing by his pet cat
When you've been at this game as long as I have, there's really one rule:
If you're gonna be stealing priceless, powerful artifacts, you'd better damn well make sure that you're stealing them from sompepony who shouldn't have 'em in the first place. There's no honor, no glory, no fun in busting into a deserted tomb and robbing a corpse. Naw, you gotta do it the hard way. Ripping loot outta the hooves of some dirtbag who was about to use it to summon an eldritch abomination, or some crap like that? Now that is living.
Daring Do yelped as the biting wind tossed her out into the void again, her whip slipping dangerously through her hooves. Glancing down at the sickening drop from the top of the ramparts, she closed her eyes and focused on the simple act of hauling herself up. The demonic gargoyle she'd latched onto wasn't the most reassuring of anchors.
Blackened, cracked stone soon kissed her tired limbs. She rolled over the edge, gasping, and thrust a single hoof skyward in accomplishment. Once she caught her breath, Daring managed to sit up, eagerly eyeing the fortress that loomed before her.
"Heh..." A jagged spire of crumbling masonry, silhouetted by the bloodied sky of the valley, Midnight Castle wasn't much to look at anymore. "Tirek, I'm tellin' you," she shook her head slowly, "this place might have been in style way back when, but really? Really? It just screams 'overcompensation' to me!"
Chuckling to herself, she slunk into the shadows as a few insectile shapes whizzed overhead. Patrols like that had become more and more frequent the farther she'd moved through Dream Valley. Her hunch had been right --- follow the trail of ants, and eventually they'd lead you back to their nest.
Too risky to fly through this place. The only clouds in the area were the sickly wafts of mist that stained the sky around here. No place to run if they caught her. Now that wouldn't do, not when she was on the cusp!
Something squished beneath her hoof. Daring glanced down and winced. Glowing green goop clung to her hoof like mucus. "Eww." She scraped it along the edge of the rampart, avoiding the rest of the pile. "Changelings are just the worst."
The castle was arranged like the typical ancient fortress. The tower keep in the center, surrounded by the taller, inner wall, only passable through the single mammoth portcullis in front. A wide open area ringed the inner wall, before the outer loomed. The empty space was a killing ground for the defenders, in case the first walls were breached. No solid cover for the invaders, just an open stretch to rain arrows and boiling oil and all kinds of goodies.
Huddling into a dilapidated guard tower on the outer wall, Daring scowled as she observed the sentries roving the top across the gap. She'd never make it unseen with that many compound eyes looking down. Small, withered trees and bushes had grown in the stretch, being uncultivated for so long, but none were close together. This was gonna be tough.
Daring harrumphed to herself, digging through her pack. "Let's see here..." She began pulling out a growing pile of objects. "Dynamite? No, too messy. Potion of invisibility? I'll consider it. Crossbow? Eh. Never bothered to learn how to use that thing. Oh!" She removed a three foot longsword made of pure fire. "Sword of Destiny?" She paused, then callously tossed it over a shoulder. "Naw... too easy..."
It ain't like I was there on a courtesy call. Changelings had holed up in the Red Centaur's old love shack. Really nasty hive, too. Some of them are... tolerable... but this Queen had a thing for being just the worst kind of person. And they were the only things standing between me and my loot. You'll have to forgive me if I went in a little heavy.
Now, not much drags me outta my little bungalow these days. Had some great adventures, even teamed up with that Dash kid a couple of times. The pile of treasure in my basement ain't going nowhere except into the vaults of the Canterlot museum, for the right price of course. I had it made, I tell ya.
I sure wasn't there for the money, understand? I was looking for something... something worth my time.
Hunkered in the shadowed recess of a crumbled guard tower, 'Daring did not tempt fate with the slightest of movements.
A changeling was buzzing about nearby. She wasn't sure if it knew she was here. Slinking from behind a pile of rubble to underneath a rotting table, the mare controlled her every breath, taking care not to make the slightest of noises.
The bug was pretty nasty looking up close. Small traces of ooze leaked from chinks in its carapace, and those gory holes in its legs weren't exactly the most appealing features, either. A fin ran from a crest on the top of its head down to almost its withers, flaring every once and a while. Daring mentally gave it a four out of a possible ten.
Eh. She'd had worse.
The question now was what to do with it? She'd heard stories of changelings before, how they existed in a state of shared awareness; a "hivemind." She wondered that if she took this one out, the others might be alerted to her presence.
Poking around the pile of rocks she'd been crouched behind not moments before, the bug made a few curious chirping noises. It turned and peered up into the shadowed rafters, ears twitching.
Daring tensed. It knew something was up. She was going to have to distract it, somehow... sneak up behind it. She picked up a small pebble and tossed the thing from underneath the table. It landed just outside the tower's doorway to the ramparts.
The bug trotted over to the noise. It eyed the pebble curiously, poking it with a hoof. "Cri?"
Slithering out from the darkness, she uncoiled her whip, and in one smooth motion, snapped it out.
"Cr-r-rk-k-k!" The changleing was wrenched to the ground by the throat. Daring pounced on the thing, pressing down on its windpipe with her hoof. It felt cold and slippery to the touch, like greasy metal. Helplessly pinned beneath her, it flailed and writhed for a few moments, before falling still. She checked for a pulse. Still alive. Good. Daring wasn't particularly fond about giving the Pale Mare some more passengers in the boat.
"Blech. Maybe if they smelled a little better, they wouldn't have such a hard time getting their fix." She butted the body across the floor, chitin making scraping noises on the stone, until it was sheltered in the shadow of a corner. That was one obstacle out of the way, but now she had a problem.
The bug wouldn't stay down forever, and when it woke up, this whole hive was going to pop like a Ponyville party favor.
With that in mind, the pegasus slunk back outside into the desolation of Midnight Castle.
I'd been digging around through the old tomes a while back, and I found an old retelling of the Legend of Dream Valley. Real sad stuff, all apocalypse and raining fire from the skies. See, when the protector of ponykind, Meghan, passed on from old age, all the nasties who'd been laying low from her wrath decided to go for an all out assault on the ponies. The witches, the demons, Tirek and his ilk... they even got the Smooze in on it.
The ponies went down swinging, give 'em credit where due. Those alicorns that survived the final battle fled south, founding the Crystal Empire and later Equestria. Now here's where my retelling of the Legend takes off into a new spin.
All accounts agree that the battle was lost when the Pony Queen finally lost the center, hit from both sides by a wave of purple Smooze and trapped from above by Tirek's flying nasties. But what my tome revealed was that she didn't perish there, like most believe, but instead she was captured, and ended her days here, in Tirek's Midnight Castle, alone and abandoned by few who made it out of the fight in one piece. And with her... the Crown.
Daring sneezed.
Scrunching up her muzzle, the pegasus fought off another one, hoping the guards up on the rampart hadn't heard. Just her luck, she saw an ear twitch. One of the bugs peered over the side, scanning the ground below. It looked as though it were about to take off for a closer look, but a loud noise from the first gate drew it away.
With a loud groan, centuries of decayed metal and wood rumbled aside, and Daring watched as a single, solitary wagon was brought through, drawn by a pair of bugs. It was a cage on wheels, poorly constructed, and the only thing inside it was a large bundle of rags in one corner.
The wagon began to trundle up the path. Daring suddenly realized her cover was rather close to the where they intended to go.
Not good! The bugs pulling it would spot her for sure this close!
Or... maybe... this could work to her advantage.
She picked up a rock.
As the cart rattle closer, she could make out a tuft of blue hair sticking out from the rags in the cage. Poor sap, must have been a pony like her, scrounging around the ruins for easy pickings. They'd probably gotten nabbed at the old Pony hold, where the alicorns of old had once dwelt and ruled the Valley. It's name had been lost to time, and everything else scavenged by the bugs.
Somehow, they didn't spot her hiding under the bush, even though she lay mere inches from the roadside. Excellent. Kissing her rock and wishing a silent prayer for it to fly true, she tossed it out in front of one of the wheels.
Th-konk!
The wagon jolted to a rough stop, one of the wheels abruptly wedging on the rock that mysteriously appeared beneath it. The bugs drawing it were rudely yanked backwards, and sat down, hard.
She moved like lightning, darting underneath and clinging to the rear axle. One of the bugs lethargically unhitched itself and worked at the rock in the path, literally kicking grit in her eyes. She winced.
Eventually, they got it free, and resumed pressed on. Ahead, the second gate opened with a noise like thunder. Beneath the wagon, Daring couldn't resist a cheeky grin. Then she noticed her tail was sticking out. She tucked that in, fast.
From her view, she watched as the bugs pulled the cart through the gate and into the courtyard before the actual keep itself. Daring almost cried for joy --- no guards by the door! They probably thought any intruders would be detected long before they made it this far. Then again, they'd never dealt with the likes of her before.
"K-k-k-k-t'crich!"
"Brrrrr-tik-ii."
Another bug came over to the first two as they unhitched themselves, starting up a conversation. She couldn't speak Shifter, didn't have the second throat like the bugs, but she did understand a few words.
"D'chak, pipip-tirrri-weet." The new bug must have been in charge or something, because it was pointing at the keep. She got the feeling it was telling the two cart pullers where to go.
"Stik-stik?"
"G'tik-rrrkit."
"Chir-pwiweet!"
"Ttttttchk. Ttttttchk! Kriiitt-t-t-t-iip."
The two pullers were griping, she could tell. They probably thought they were done with the cart, but apparently Pointy McBossybug decided the prisoner shouldn't be left out in the open. Worked for her, either way. The two reattached themselves and made for the actual gate, grumbling about their bad luck. Daring wondered if she'd inadvertently learned a few bug swears today.
This time they didn't bother opening the doors, they simply walked right through them. The formerly solid barrier melted around them without a hint of resistance, and passed over the cart and her, too. Daring felt an electric tingle as she crossed the boundary. A spell of some kind... but why?
She was inside Midnight Castle. The air was wet and warm, and smelled like rotten cheese. Drip-drop-drip-ings of water could be heard echoing around, and the inside was very dark. It was hard to make out anything beyond the wagon, but Daring got the sense that she was in a wide open hall from the way the sounds seemed to echo.
She didn't have much time to wonder, because the cart took a sudden turn. All she could do was hold on and hope she wasn't breathing too hard. They took more turns. She tried to memorize the path; left, right, right, left, left, right, left... It was impossible, the place was a labyrinth, even more disorienting from underneath a wagon.
They finally stopped. Daring heard the scraping of metal on stone. One of the bugs detached and opened up a cell door, all rust and jagged edges. The other opened up the cage on the wagon. There was a muffled groan, the irritated clicking of a bug under weight, followed by a wet thump. Daring saw the prisoner tossed into the cell.
The first bug, satisfied, hitched back up and began to trot further on --- not the direction they'd come in. Daring decided the ride was over.
Silently, she dropped off the axle.
The second bug was still busy with the door, fumbling under its carapace to produce an ancient-looking key. Busy trying to fit the thing into the decrepit old lock, it was oblivious to the world.
Daring sprang.
She came down from above, straddling the back of the bug's armored neck, locking her thighs tightly around it. With a grunt, she wrenched herself to the side, rolling away and ripping it off its hooves. The changeling hit the floor with nary a sound, cushioned by her body. Tightening her chokehold, she squeezed harder, clenching her legs together.
This one had some fight in it, though. It bucked up, hard, slamming her into the wall. "O-oof!" Daring's grip slackened, and the bug struggled furiously. Not good. She had to keep this silent! Shoving off the wall, she drove the pair of the them backwards, the bug throwing itself all around and her trying to hang on for dear life. She grappled with its head, going for the eyes. Blinded and desperate, the bug careened in all directions.
She always wondered where the term "rodeo" came from.
The wild ride abruptly halted when the bug spun her into the cell door. Her broken wing exploded in pain upon the bars, and she went limp from the shock, crumpling to the ground.
The bug stood over her, jaws gaping and dripping with goo, jagged horn glinting in the darkness ---
A white hoof reached out from the darkness of the cell and grabbed it by the back of the head, and pounded it against the bars, once, twice, three times, until the compound eyes closed and its legs gave out from beneath it.
Daring caught her breath, managing to sit up and eye her rescuer. She had to resist the urge to laugh.
The prisoner gazed angrily back at her.
"Daring Do. We meet again. Why must you keep intruding into my life?"
She smirked.
"Because you don't know how to quit me, Shiny."
The unicorn in the cell grimaced, but there was no mistaking him. Tall, hunky, beaten to hell, horn covered in the bugs' nullifying goop, gods above this is another one of her dreams. It was like fate couldn't keep them apart. She reached for the key, dropped to the ground during the scuffle, and edged towards the cell door...
The last pony I was expecting to run into on this job was Prince Shining Armor.
He'd been going after the changelings too, but for different reasons. Crystal ponies had been mysteriously vanishing all along the Empire's northern border for a few weeks now, and I'd heard Shining had set out with a squad to find the reason. He followed a roving party of the bugs back the way they'd come, into the Valley, where he'd been promptly ambushed. Bless his soldier heart, tromping around in all that noisy armor.
Now here we were again. No doubt Cady would have an aneurysm if she found the two of us together once more.
As a master thief, run-ins with the other side of the law happen more than we'd care to admit. Every legendary criminal had their counterpart: The Prankster had his Batmare, Maneiac had the Power Ponies, sundaes had hot fudge. Daring Do had Shining Armor. I'd been doing this dance with Shining for years, now. He was part of the reason I was still in the business. Frankly, the dude made it fun, and I knew he enjoyed playing the game with me, too, despite out history.
See, I was Shining's one stain on his otherwise perfect record of service. The one he could not catch. We have a long history of me breaking into some dirtbag's compound, knocking him senseless, stealing his goodies, and evading good ole' Shining and The Boys on the way out. You'd think they'd be a little grateful! At least they had a free criminal ready for booking, trussed up and ready to go.
I'd read my file, that one time I let him apprehend me for a few hours. Smuggling, illicit trade operations, theft, burglary, assault, breaking and entering, public indecency (he denies he took part in that one, but we all know), you name it, it's on my record. Thank Celestia I use a pseudonym for publishing, or he'd probably have tracked me down years ago.
Shining Armor is the most tenacious, dangerous, and stupidly gallant stallion I've ever met, and I love him to death.
But, as I moved to untie him, I realized...
That might complicate the job.
Daring suddenly froze, key actually in the lock but not yet turned. An lecherous grin plastered itself upon her face. "Heh, y'know, maybe you should take a rest here for a while, Shiny. Not looking to good, there."
Shining Armor's eyes narrowed.
"You have ten seconds to open this cell or so help me I will break it down," he hissed, keeping his voice low.
Horses of heaven he's cute when I make him angry. Daring withdrew the key, holding his glare with a saucy wink. "You stay there, and I'll come back if you're a good boy," she murmured, before swirling on the spot, whapping him in the face with her tail and slinking down the hall.
"Daring, you know I'm married!" he whispered as loud as he dared. "Stop doing this to me, I'm not interested!"
"Didn't stop you in Stalliongrad."
She could feel the heat of his blush even from down the hall. "That doesn't count, the artifact you stole from Chairmare Trotsky enchanted us! We were under the influence!"
"Heh, yeah." Daring ignored his protests, which grew quieter and quieter as she continued on through the twisting passage. Slipping once again into the shadows, her easy smile vanished, and she was once again focused on the mission. She'd be back, though. She would definitely be back to help Shiny out of his cell.
And maybe cop a feel or three while she was at it.
