Discord's Disabling Disease
"I'm glad you're here Fluttershy. I doubt Twilight and Cadence could do a better job than you." Discord smiled. He was currently residing in the pegasus' cottage with a heavy flu (a real one this time) that a tatzlwurm had given him.
Fluttershy smiled, but deep inside was on guard. Twilight had filled her in after her visit to the special zoo (said zoo was actually called "Special Zoo"). Discord had tried to ruin Cadence and Twilight's special day, and Fluttershy wasn't about to be caught off guard by the draconequs.
"You're welcome Discord. It's what friends do for each other." She responded. Fluttershy had just finished making tea using the bee's honey. On top, she was toasting some fresh bread and jam for the God of Chaos.
Just what the average pony-friend does in the magical land of Equestria.
"Uh, Dissy?" Fluttershy asked in a meek voice.
"Yes Flutters?" Discord responded, having resorted to their special "name game" (No, it is not like that!).
"Could you put the house on the ground, stop the pot from fighting with the kettle, and get rid of the fish dancing?" The fish in-turn stopped dancing and glared at Fluttershy. "If you don't mind..." She added in a gentle plea.
"Oh but Fluttershy, how can you not enjoy this!" He said, pulling out a fishing rod and net in an attempt to prod the fish into dancing again. "It is the perfect place for shenanigan." He appeared in her ear. "It is always so quiet here. You need something to liven up your life. YOLO!"
The mare just smiled. She knew he meant no harm. Ever since he had reformed (despite his most recent attempt to get on Celestia's bad side by yelling Nightmare Moon returned) he did his jokes, but kept it at that. He really only had Fluttershy to ever talk to and he didn't want to lose his one friend.
With a huff, he snapped his fingers.
"..."
"..."
The house continued to float, the pot and kettle were still at each other's pouring mouth's and the fish had died of no water (it was also now being attacked by the resident cat).
"Hm. That should have changed everything- OW!" Discord yelled in pain as a lid from a pot hit him right in the head.
"Hey! You aren't supposed to fight me!" He snarled. Yet, the two pieces of silverware had turned on their master and began to spit hot water on the chaotic god.
Fluttershy barely stifled a laugh. Oh, she may have been kindness, but sometimes you had to appreciate a joke sent from Celestia. She flew over to the pot and kettle and hushed them down to peace.
"Hah! Serves them right! I have Fluttershy with me! She will just use her Stare!" He said, rolling and widening his eyes. Fluttershy had grown used to the half-complimenting/half-insulting comments. Discord knew you couldn't use that on pottery...or could you?
"Discord." Fluttershy turned to the sick god. "Why didn't it work?"
The god gave it some thought. Despite what some ponies thought, he was actually much smarter than he looked. He went to Godly Powers University and had minored in chaotic takeovers. His major was trolling ponies and other deities for a comedic outlook.
"It is most likely because I am really sick." He finally decided. "It happens sometimes; my powers are completely out of my hooves/hands/claw/etc." He showed all his limbs to prove his point. He teleported and reappeared next to the pegasus. The mare, in turn, squeaked at the sudden disappearance and reappearance of her patient.
"I will have no control over what is around me...Just like in the good ol' days." He sighed, his eyes sparkling and reminiscing on the days of old when chaos ruled the lands and creatures all over Equestria were savage. Celestia always had to ruin the fun...and her pet, Luna.
Fluttershy nodded her head and decided to leave it at that. She never was one to argue the facts and her mind was tired from the work she had to go through. She had gotten everything for the patient including tea, crumpets, a fish (now gone), a bowl of noodles, and lastly a dog. Why did he even need that?
"Alright Discord." Fluttershy called from the kitchen. "I'm going to go make some soup and a proper lunch for you, okay?"
"THANK YOU dearest Fluttershy!" He teleported to his bed and laid his weary head down. He grabbed a glass of water and began to drink it (the cup, silly. Not the water). Discord beamed his brightest smile, one that would put Celestia's to shame.
Fluttershy had asked Angel to pick up some ingredients for the soup. It would comprise of potatoes, carrots, lettuce, and celery stalks. The "Fluttershy French Raspatin" was insured to make anyone, animal or pony, feel better in no time. Except that one phoenix...
Angel chose the moment to hop in. He quickly tapped his foot to alert his master that the existence of groceries required the help of somepony who was slightly bigger than a bunny. Fluttershy hovered over and brought in the ingredients. She then gingerly stuck her hoof out to the white creature for the receipt and change.
The bunny merely shrugged and hopped away.
"Angel! I gave you 50 bits! That should have covered the groceries and-" The thief was gone. Fluttershy sighed and let it go. She didn't really need the change anyway. It would have gone towards buying Rainbow Dash a new sock. Why she wanted one was weird anyway, even more than somepony who sold them.
"Oh Fluttershy!" Discord called. "My toes need a massage. Please give me one."
"I'm making the soup right now Dissy."
"Well you do have a number 1 assistant to help you." Even Fluttershy could feel the taunting behind the statement. With a heavy sigh she turned to the bunny who was, for his part, begging not to do it.
"Now, Angel. We have to be nice to our guests!" The bunny face pawed himself. He grumbled and hopped away mad. Fluttershy returned to cutting her carrots and peeling her potatoes.
Discord smiled as the white ball of fluff hopped onto the spare bed and began to work on the toes. However, Angel failed to remember that a draconequs did not have toes but rather hooves or various other mixtures of limbs. So the bunny ended up massaging a goat leg and a dragon claw. The smell nearly made the poor bunny fall into a coma.
"Oh come now. It's not that bad." Discord said. Angel hopped up to the nose of the patient and shoved his paw into his nose.
"UGH. EW!" Discord yelled. "That is your filthy smell, not mine." He sneezed at the bunny, knocking it to the floor. Angel hopped away, back to Fluttershy to report on the "patient's" bad behavior.
"Oh no you don’t." He teleported the bunny to his side and used telekinesis to hold him in the air. "I don't want you ruining my time with Fluttershy. I don’t see her often and I will not allow such an insipid creature to get in my way." He then proceeded to teleport the bunny away to Celestia knows where.
"Angel, how did it- Where's Angel?" Fluttershy inquired, having finished the ingredients and preparing the cauldron for cooking.
Discord saw the moment to play a quick joke. "Oh, poor, poor Angel! It was too soon." He teleported from the bed and swooned the mare into a dance. "He got mad that you sent him here to do the work so he decided to run away. Unfortunately, as he was exiting the room, his head was lopped off."
The pegasus gasped as Discord created a bunny without a head that resembled a certain number 1 assistant. "You monster! I-I'll-"
"HAHA! Just kidding!" He quickly reattached the head to the body. Angel, now whole, spit at Discord and ran to his favorite pony.
"Discord!" Fluttershy yelled. "That isn't nice! I know you enjoy doing jokes, but that was really mean! Imagine if Angel had stayed that way permanently or-or if he had actually died! You need to be more responsible-"
The words fell on deaf ears as Discord proceeded to grab a bowl flowers and begin to eat it. He then opened a book that he had materialized out of thin air.
"And that can lead to strangulation, in which case I would have to call Twilight and Celestia to enter the third portal of the Milky Way- Discord!" She had realized that the draconequs had decided to ignore the mare and had fallen asleep. Fluttershy sighed. What was the point? She was kindness, not persuasion.
She quietly trotted to the doorway out of the room, having tucked Discord. Angel had decided he had had enough magic and craziness for a day and went to Fluttershy's room to sleep as well. Fluttershy, in turn, went to the kitchen to finish the soup.
Discord then decided to take the moment to awaken quietly from his slumber.
"OOOh...yes. Let's do that."
"I wonder if she will notice..."
"Oh my this will be good..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" Squealed Fluttershy. The cream pegasus was quickly flying across the rooms trying to clean up the sudden infestation of cockroaches. They were quickly taking over the entire house. She had resorted to a broom after her Stare failed to work on the vermin.
"Discord!!" She yelled. "What have you done!?"
Discord merely snored in his sleep. However, had the pegasus gone to the other side of the patient, she would have noticed a smile and both eyes wide open.
"HELPPP!!!" She yelled out her window...only to quickly shut it and go inside after seeing she was on top of Mount Equestria.
"Discord." She said, slowly nudging the sleeping god of Chaos. He continued in his sleep.
"Discord..." She tried again, with a little more force. When Discord showed no sign of movement, the pegasus huffed and prepared her voice.
"DIIISSSS-" Her mouth was zipped by the draconequs who had woken up and stared at the mare.
"What is it dear Fluttershy?"
"PUT MY HOUSE BACK!!!" She yelled with all her might.
"I can't hear you." Discord said. "Must be-"
"PUT! IT! BACK!" She threw all the force she could muster behind her words and let all of it go along with her stare.
Discord stared, shocked at her friend. With a sigh and a snap, he turn the house back to normal, removing all insects, dirt or any other offending mess. The house returned to the edge of the Everfree.
"Thank you, Discord."
Fluttershy cuddled the sick patient close. "Why did you have to do all that?"
"Hmm. I don't actually know." He had noticed his discoloration had disappeared and he was back to his good, multi-colored self with different limbs.
"Thank you, dearest Fluttershy. I will be going now-"
"Oh Discord. You don't have to hide it." Fluttershy smiled at the scowling Draconnequs. "You just wanted my attention, didn't you?"
"OH PPFFFT. PFFFTT! As if!" He scoffed and laughed. "I just needed somepony to help get me on my feet after my sickness."
"You weren't sick." She pulled out a bag of powder. "Twilight gave me this to always make sure I could see through your tricks. But they showed me something more-"
"NOPE. Nope, Nope, Nope. I came to feel better. Nothing more." Discord looked away. He quickly teleported his luggage and clothes to him.
"I bid you adieu, Fluttershy. Until we meet again." In a poof, he disappeared.
Fluttershy could see right through it all though; the reason for his coming in the first place and his hasty exit.
The god of Chaos enjoyed the peace and tranquility of the Element of Kindness.
Or maybe he just wanted to save room for a bigger surprise...
Author's Note
Alright everyone! Thanks for reading! This is my first comedy fanfic and I'm not really a funny person so please give feedback on some of the jokes I implemented. If they were forced or just didn't elicit a laugh, tell me why or how. I want to get better!
