In the abyssal ocean trenches far beyond Equestria’s coastlines, in cavernous depths below the world, in realms beyond the understanding of ponykind, there sleep ancient creatures of unimaginable power. The few unfortunate ponies who know of them typically refer to them by names like the Gibbering Insanity, or the Creeping Darkness, or Entropy, partially because speaking their true names is often enough to turn a pony into a madmare, but mostly because their true names tend to contain altogether far too many apostrophes and far too few vowels to be considered pronounceable to the average pony.
A number of these eldritch beings are manifestations of some of the more horrifying aspects of reality, including the aforementioned Entropy (whose true name contains more X’s than all the maps of the Canteribbean combined), along with Madness and its spawn Fanfiction[1].
And then there is Discord.
Even Entropy, and the Gibbering Insanity, and the Eternal Scream are in awe of Discord[2]. For aeons, Discord was the most powerful being in Equestria, and answered to nothing but his own insane whims. Then, as any history professor can tell, he had a somewhat unfortunate run-in with Their Royal Highnesses the Princesses Celestia and Luna of Equestria (unfortunate for Discord, that is. Every living being that wasn’t Discord was rather happy to see him go[3]) He spent the next few centuries as Equestria’s Gaudiest Lawn Ornament, followed by a brief release ending in another stint as lawn ornament (which most critics agree was significantly less gaudy than his previous stone prison).
Nowadays, he is free again, and once again answers to his own insane whims.
“Discord, I am very disappointed in you,” said Fluttershy.
He answered to his own insane whims, and to Fluttershy.
“I’m sorry, Fluttershy,” Discord said. “It was wrong of me to try and ruin Twilight and Cadance’s day for my own amusement.”
Mostly to Fluttershy, really.
“How about you write a nice letter to apologize to them? Then tomorrow, you can make a fresh start. You haven’t really spent any time with any of my other friends. I think it would be wonderful if you and them got to know each other a bit better.”
“Yes, Fluttershy, I think I will do that.”
It is, perhaps, a comforting thought that the single most powerful living being in existence was a kindhearted and timid yellow pegasus, even if she didn’t realize it herself.
===
Rarity hadn’t been terribly happy to see Discord knocking on her door, but felt herself obliged to offer him a drink and a bite to eat nonetheless. And so it happened that Rarity was currently having a cup of tea with a slice of cake, while opposite her, Discord was having a cup of cake with a slice of tea. Rarity tried not to think about it too much.
Discord looked at the dress forms scattered across the room. Some were wearing fancy outfits. Some were wearing soon-to-be-fancy outfits. Some were wearing random bits of fabric that were unlikely to become fancy outfits any time soon. One dress form standing just outside Rarity’s field of vision was wearing an ill-tempered cat who was glaring at Discord. Discord glared back, and turned the cat a bright shade of magenta for good measure.
“So how do you go about this… dress-making thing of yours?” Discord asked.
“Oh, that depends,” Rarity said. “Sometimes I get commissioned to make a dress by somepony, and I have to think of just the right colours and shapes and motifs to fit the pony while still following my client’s instructions. Then sometimes, I need to create a new line for a fashion show or the like, and I have to find the right themes, the right look for the season, something that’s mindful of current trends while still being new and unique in some way. And then sometimes, sometimes I just find that magical spark of inspiration. I’m going about my day when I see or hear something and I just know that I simply must make a dress based on it.”
“Could any old pony design a dress?”
“Well, anypony could certainly try, but one does need to learn what makes for a good ensemble, what colours look good together, which shapes will bring out the elegance in a pony… And ideas never come out quite the same way as originally envisioned. Any pony can design a dress, but it takes years of practice and a lot of effort to design a good dress and what are you doing?”
Discord was standing in front of one of the dress forms, bits and pieces of fabric haphazardly spread out over it, while working a sewing machine (which had been in a wholly different room five seconds ago) with his tail.
“Why, I’m trying my claw at making dresses,” Discord said. “Piece by piece, snip by snip~. Body parts, let them slip~. Thread by thread, buttons pressed~. Something else, not impressed~. And that’s the art of the dress~!”
Discord snapped his talons, and the sewing machine disappeared.
“Well, what do you think?” He held up his creation, which was not unlike a burlap sack if burlap sacks came in polka dot patterns with horribly clashing colours.
Rarity fainted. She didn’t even manage to summon her fainting couch in time.
“Some ponies just don’t appreciate art,” Discord said. He snapped his talons, and disappeared from the scene.
Half an hour later, Rarity woke up again, and found that Discord’s “dress” had been largely ripped apart by Opal. Her happiness at the sight evaporated the moment she noticed Opal was bright magenta.
“DISCORD!”
===
“You know, Rainbow Dash, I’m getting the strangest feeling you don’t like me,” Discord said.
They were in the living room of Rainbow Dash’s house. Discord was lying on a green sofa, which was something of an oddity in Rainbow’s living room, as all the furniture was made of fluffy white clouds. Rainbow Dash was sitting in a chair, and was currently focussing all of her energy into glaring daggers at her visitor (to her great dismay, no actual physical daggers manifested themselves no matter how hard she glared).
“Look,” Rainbow said, “the only reason I’m spending time with you is because Fluttershy asked me to. If any other pony had asked the same of me, I wouldn’t have even considered.”
There are many beings out there that are in awe of Fluttershy’s Stare. As far as Rainbow was concerned, the Stare was nothing compared to the Puppy Dog Eyes, which just goes to show that Rainbow Dash wasn’t all that different from Discord in some ways.
“Oh, but whatever did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?” Discord said.
“You mean aside from corrupting me and all my friends?”
“Oh, that. But that was ages ago. Water under the bridge, right?”
Rainbow Dash sighed. “When you called the shots, the bridge was floating higher than my house does, and the only thing under it was black stuff. Pinkie tasted it. It was licorice. Licorice!”
“Still, I’ve changed since then. Surely I deserve another chance?”
“Since then, you’ve manipulated Fluttershy and turned her house into your own little chaos palace, allowed Equestria to be overtaken by your plunder vines, and went out of your way to try and ruin Twilight’s day with Cadance!”
“I was teaching them valuable lessons!” Discord said.
“Well let me teach you a valuable lesson in return,” Rainbow said. “Don’t mess with my friends. Because if you do, I will make you wish you were never born! Or created. Or however it was that you came into existence. I really have no idea. Anyway, the point is that you’d better start behaving. Oh, and for Celestia’s sake, change my sofa back to its normal colour!”
“Well, you’re no fun,” Discord said. “I’ll just get going already.”
He snapped his talon, and disappeared in a flash of light. Rainbow was quick to note that her sofa was once again white. It only took her a split second longer to note that her chair had turned bright orange. As had her table. And her other chairs. And indeed every piece of furniture aside from the sofa.”
She twitched.
“Discord!”
===
“Hi Discord!” Pinkie said the very second he had materialized at Sugar Cube Corner. “You’re just in time to help me! See, I need lots and lots of chocolate milk for a party I’m planning, so could I borrow one of your cotton candy clouds?”
“Well wh-”
“Please?” Pinkie said.
“Just wh-”
“Pretty please?”
“Now jus-”
“Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top?”
“Oh fine,” Discord said. He snapped his talons, and a pink cloud appeared.
Pinkie hugged Discord. “Thanks, Discie, you’re the best!”
The immortal spirit of chaos and disharmony raised an eyebrow. “Discie?”
“Ooh, there’s still a lot of other things you can help me with! I could really use your help making a couple of things float, I could use a road made of soap in the near future, some popcorn off the cob, maybe one or two plunder seeds…”
Discord wasted no time teleporting away.
“Well, at least I still have my cloud,” Pinkie said to nopony in particular. However, before long, a horrible realization set it.
“He didn’t get me any whipped cream? He didn’t get me any whipped cream! NOOO!”
===
It was a beautiful, sunny day at Sweet Apple Acres, and Applejack was hard at work bucking apples. It was hard work, but Applejack had never been one to mind. She practically lived for moments like this.
“You know, I’ve always been a fan of apples,” Discord said.
Immediately after saying these words, his face materialized approximately two centimetres from Applejack’s.
“Discord! What in the hay?”
“Why hello, my dear Applejack!” Discord said. “I thought it would be enjoyable for both of us to spend some quality time together, bond a little, that sort of thing. So I decided to pay you a visit!”
Applejack raised her left eyebrow.
“But I must say you have some beautiful apples here.” Discord took a bite out of the apple he had not been holding two seconds ago. “Delicious, too.”
“Since when do you care about apples?”
“Why, I’ve always been fond of apples. There’s just so much fun that can be had with them. Why, I remember encountering these three princesses… Actually, perhaps I should just show you!” Discord snapped his talon, and he and Applejack suddenly found herself at the other end of Sweet Apple Acres, in front of the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ clubhouse.
He grabbed an apple, wrote “to the prettiest pony present on the premises” on it, and chucked it through the window of the clubhouse. Then, he conjured up a panel depicting the goings-on inside the clubhouse.
“And now, we watch,” Discord said.
The apple landed in the centre of the room with a soft thud.
“Hey, where’d that apple come from?” Apple Bloom said.
“I don’t know, but something is written on it!” Scootaloo said.
“‘To the prettiest pony present on the premises’?” Sweetie Belle said.
“Well, I’m not really all that into prettiness,” Scootaloo said. “I mean, it’s nice to look good, but there’s not much point fussing over my mane and stuff when I’m about to perform some awesome scooter tricks.”
“Yeah, I’m kinda the same,” Apple Bloom said. “With how much time I spent helping out the rest of the family, I don’t really have too much time to fuss over appearances anyway.”
“So I guess this should go to Sweetie Belle,” Scootaloo said.
“Aww, you two are the best friends a pony could ask for,” Sweetie Belle said, and pulled Scootaloo and Apple Bloom into a tight hug.
Discord dispelled the panel. “Well, that could have gone better.”
“Seems like it went just about perfect to me,” Applejack said.
“There’s usually more conflict and fighting. More discord. What a waste of a perfectly good apple.”
At this point, a white leg could be seen sticking out of the clubhouse window, holding an apple core. The leg flung the apple in a wide arc. The arc terminated in Discord’s face.
Applejack had difficulty holding back her laughter. “That’s about as far away from a waste you can possibly get. C’mon, sugarcube, let’s get your face cleaned up.”
“Stupid apples,” Discord said.
Applejack once again raised her left eyebrow. “I thought you were a fan of apples,” she said.
“Well I’ve changed my mind,” Discord said. “I prefer pears now.”
Applejack gave Discord a very dark look. “That was not a very wise thing to say around these parts. I do not think you want to know what happened to the last pony who said something like that on Sweet Apple Acres. She’s still busy sorting apples by colour, size and cultivar in perfect order.” She let her words sink in for a moment, before adding in a conspiratorial whisper, “You can join her if you want.”
Discord looked more than a little shaken. Applejack burst into laughter.
“You know,” Discord said, “I could turn every apple on this farm into a kumquat with just a snap of my talons.”
For a moment, Applejack panicked. She barely managed to regain her composure without shouting “you wouldn’t”.
“I reckon you could,” Applejack said instead. “It would make my customers mighty cross, though. Incidentally, did you know one of my favourite customers is Fluttershy? She wouldn’t be happy about you messin’ with my farm. Just a friendly reminder.”
Discord exploded. After a few seconds, he reassembled himself (much to Applejack’s relief - bits of Discord had been blown all over the place, and she’d hate to have to clean it all up).
“Now listen here!” Discord said. “It’s not nice to try and get under someone’s skin, so stop it right now!”
Applejack, tired of raising her left eyebrow, raised her right eyebrow instead.
“Tell you what,” Applejack said. “I hereby promise I will stop tryin’ to get under your skin, but on one condition.”
“And what would that be?”
“That you stop tryin’ to get under other ponies’ skins as well.”
Discord was silent for a moment. Then, without uttering a word, he snapped his talons and disappeared.
Applejack wound up having a perfectly nice day without further incident.
===
“So how was your day?” Fluttershy asked.
“I think I’ve learned a very valuable lesson about friendship today,” Discord said.
“And what might that be?” Fluttershy said.
“I’m still not entirely sure. But I can just tell I’m going to get the hang of this ‘friendship’ business any day now!”
[1] Death, surprisingly, does not make the list. While those who meet him by definition do not typically live to tell others, the exceptions to this rule have indicated that Death is actually a very nice stallion, albeit somewhat socially awkward.
[2] To say nothing of Fanfiction.
[3] His zero percent approval rating is still a historic low, though HRH Prince Blueblood has managed to get very close after he got put in charge of a tiny hamlet due to a clerical error. Luckily for him, his approval rating never dropped below one percent, mostly because one percent of the village’s population happened to be Prince Blueblood.
