Only In Equestria - Kartoon Boot Kamp

by Acheron

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Other, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3858

Every time a character enters Equestria, somehow, they always seem to end up right in the Boot Kamp

"Well, maggots! My name is Lieutenant Aldo Raine, and I'm looking for the best of the- well, whatever the best is that you got!" - Lieutenant Aldo Raine, upon becoming the Boot Kamp's main instructor.

No matter where a character lives or dies, no matter what cartoon, and no matter just how horrible they may seem, they will always end up at King K. Rool's Boot Kamp for Kartoons. From exploding potatoes, to glowing original characters that could be seen from space, to the ever-present Aldo Raine who seems to know exactly what you are doing as you do it, but lets you do it anyways, no day will ever be normal when you enter the Boot Kamp.

[This is an open fic collaboration. If anyone wants to write a chapter for this, they just have to PM me and ask me for the three rules for a such a fic.]

Published 2014-01-31 14:00:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-02 01:00:35 UTC

Chapter 1 [Acheron] - Just in time, too!

Somewhere in Equestria, there stands a mighty stone wall, where a miniscule door stands embedded into it, well, miniscule by comparison. Nary a symbol is upon it, except for one, and for some unknown, but possibly inane reason, it is written in ancient Latin, a language of the far off planet Earth. One phrase that, for some, would mean absolutely nothing, if it was not for the humourous symbol above it. A bus drove in front, the doors opening to allow another influx of the strange denizens to enter. Some were neon-bright in appearance, others were angry, selfless individuals, while others were arrogant and whiny. All were there for the same reason, the reason that drew them all, especially the one who stood with them.

“'E. Pluribus Anus?' I don't understand that one.” He entered the door, wind rushing out as a single, older gentleman stood in the centre of the lobby, smiling as he delivered what must have been practiced lines.

“Welcome. My name is Lieutenant Aldo Raine, and I will be your main instructor here at King K Rool's Boot Kamp for Kartoons. If you will follow the man in green armour, gentlemen. As for you, young ladies and... whatever else you are, follow the woman in the blue police uniform for your tour.” Aldo seemed to perk up when he noticed the man walking in. His smile continued as his hand reached out. “Layfon Alseif? I've been waiting to meet you. Follow me.” Layfon, his expression slightly dulled from his trip onboard an overcrowded transport bus, simply nodded, adjusting his shirt as he walked forward. His coat dragged on the ground as he shifted nervously. His body still burned in pain from his last Contaminoid fight, and the fight with the Fallen One. Shuddering, he pushed the thought out of his mind.

“Thanks, I guess.” Aldo led him into a long corridor, pointing as they walked past.

“There is our current training area- and it looks like She-hulk put Johnny Bravo in the ceiling again. Why won't he learn? Ah!” He pointed over at the right. “That is our weapons testing. The reason that particular filly is testing – her name is Derpy Hooves, by the way. Sweet girl. - the nuclear hand grenades we were able to acquire through completely legal means is due to the fact she is somehow immune to the damage. We're still figuring that one out. Also, stand back.” A blast issued forth, followed by a miniature mushroom cloud. The wall remained intact, as did the testing room.

“Isn't that dangerous?” Layfon pressed his hand to the glass to find it still absolutely cold to the touch. The filly inside, the grey filly, stood on her hind legs, a pitchfork in her hand. Her eyes glowed red as a blood-red crown floated to her head. With a snarl, she pressed her face up against the window.

“I know what went wrong!” Aldo paid no mind to the apparently tortured filly. Layfon stared for a few minutes before leaving, the apparent Anti-Derpy snarling at researchers who had entered to retrieve her. Various ponies skirted to and fro, emphasizing the land the structure occupied. Layfon stared in various other windows, checking out the swords some were developing, while others were constructing robots.

“So... is this a Boot Camp, or is it an actual research division?” Aldo laughed, staring ahead.

“Layfon! Glad you asked, actually. I'm sick of these stupid lines. Gotta say 'em or I get fired... no more getting fired. I'm done being a janitor.” Aldo scowled, staring at the floor as if some invisible enemy was dead at his feet. His hand fingered an empty holster nervously.

“So...”

“All right. I'm not Lieutenant Aldo Raine. I just look like him. He's sick today.” With a flash of green light, a black, chitin-plated equine stood in front of him, around the same size as he stood, with insect wings. She groaned, staring at the ground. “I'm on prohibition. Princess Celestia says so, and until-” A rather unnerving purple unicorn stared at Layfon and the strange bug-pony with anger in her eyes.

“Chrysalis! Leave Mr. Alseif alone!” The purple unicorn's horn charged, Chrysalis seemingly disappearing. “I am really sorry about that. She's... on probation for invading Canterlot. Celestia was apparently friends with her as a filly, and a myriad of others, so I'm not to be too hard on her. I sent her to the janitor's closet. I'm pretty much her probation officer.” Layfon shrugged, pushing the thought of what that entailed out of his mind. He continued on, glancing around. He could barely hear whispers, but the steps from behind were becoming annoying. Flipping around, he stared... directly into Chrysalis' face. She was now clad in what appeared to be blue coveralls, her name stitched into the back.

“You mention this to anypony, and I will murder you. Especially that Twilight.” With that, a mop slapped the floor, dirt congealing into muddy piles on the floor. Layfon shrugged, following Twilight. She pointed at a staircase at the end, smiling.

“The faculty dormitory is up those stairs. I suspect the real Aldo Raine is waiting to meet you.” With that, she turned and left, clipboards following along behind her. Layfon merely stepped up the stairs, his brown hair waving in the slight breeze as he exited the door. The heavy steel slab quietly clicked shut, locking behind him as he gazed out over the large, walled compound. There were so many structures, so many students. The fact that they had even selected him to train all of those characters in sword-fighting made him feel incredibly special, allowing him some modicum of achievement.

“Well, from that look on yer face, I'd suppose you're new here. The beauty of it all... it doesn't compare to the battlefields of Germany. Oh, where are my manners! I'm the real Lieutenant Aldo Raine, Kartoon Boot Kamp instructor.” He raised his arm, glancing at the myriad of watches upon his wrist. “I'm late for the class I'm instructin'!” Layfon was about to ask directions when a more pressing question entered his mind.

“What kind of class do you teach, exactly?” Aldo merely smiled, running away as he shouted his answer.

“The fine art of Nazi scalpin', that's what!” Layfon shuddered. This was going to be interesting.

Chapter 2 [Dropbear271] - Coming Into The Closet - |-0-|

“What the hell?”

Nigel M Chalmers, Commander of the Internal Security Agency of the United Imperium of Planets looked around in confusion. Surrounding him was some sort of stone room, chairs and tables littered around the area accompanied by multiple vending machines. Nigel looked down at his chest, a slight blue glow around his black armour fading.

Who knew that Inter-planetary teleporters did not like you pressing all of the buttons on the key pad at once?

At least he still seemed to have all of his equipment and armour; nothing sucks more than being teleported onto a random planet naked. Nigel rested his armoured hand on his holstered gun, his helmeted head swiveling around as he attempted to spot any life-forms. Finding none in the immediate vicinity he relaxed a little and walked over towards one of the vending machines.

The name scrawled on the top was ‘A Hoof-full of Heaven’ and the machine appeared to contain a multitude of brightly-packaged candy bars, all seemingly named with an equine theme. Chalmers’s belly grumbled, before teleporting he had spent the last five hours in meetings with no food, he needed sustenance now. The machine however did not seem to accept Imperial Credits, the only currency listed was ‘bits’. Nigel stared at the coin slot before figuring out a master plan so brilliant that there was no possibility of failure.

The sound of smashing glass filled the air as Nigel’s armoured fist punched through the see-through barrier to expose the candy-filled insides of the machine. The entire glass covering had shattered, the machine’s candy trove ready to be plundered. Smiling to himself under his helmet Chalmers began to grab handfuls of the sweets and stuff them into the many compartments of his suit, he didn’t know how long he would be stuck in this strange world so ample nutrition must be secured.

His pillaging of the conquered vending machine was interrupted by what sounded like the clopping of hooves, Chalmers freezing as the sound approached the room he was in, a brown door which he had failed to notice began to jiggle, the doorknob starting to turn. Looking around franticly while un-holstering his gun Nigel tried to find something to conceal his presence, a gunfight while not knowing the size and composition of the enemy forces would not be a wise move. His eyes stopped upon seeing a roll of white masking tape and a permanent marker sitting on one of the wooden tables, a plan of infinite complexity entering the tactical supercomputer that was his mind.

‘Stupid doorknob, open up already!’ Guard pony Stern Vigil struggled to open the door, the Earth pony guard attempting to use his teeth to open the infernal device so he could investigate that loud smash that had rung out. Ever since he had been caught looking into mares’ bathroom windows instead of watching the gates of Canterlot from his lookout tower the Captain had assigned him to act as a security guard in this ‘King K Rool's Boot Kamp for Kartoons’ as punishment. He was still allowed to dress in his Royal Guard armour but the Captain had docked his pay as well, Vigil not very happy with the arrangement. Coupled with the strange beings he had to watch as well as the doorknobs which were certainly not Earth pony friendly, his time at the facility had been a living hell.

Vigil finally managed to get a decent grip on the doorknob with his teeth, the guard letting out a victorious snort as the door opened inward, the Stallion spitting to get rid of the taste as he walked inside.

A smashed vending machine surrounded by broken shards of glass was the first thing he noticed, evidently the source of the noise he had heard. The second object out of place was the two-metre tall biped standing against the wall rubbing a clock with a white cloth while whistling. The biped looked human-like, with what was evidently some form of black armour covering its entire form and looked incredibly tough.

The armour was bare save for the image of a three-eyed human skull on the left chest, the being’s helmet also possessing the shape of a human skull with two red luminous eyes blazing at the stallion as the creature continued to polish the time-piece. The most confusing thing about the creature was the name-tag it was sporting, a strip of white with the word ‘Janitor’ scrawled on it that was mounted opposite the skull on the right side of the armoured chest. Vigil could have sworn that the facility already had a janitor.

“Oh, hello there sir,” the biped greeted from his helmet, his electronic voice sounding like a male to Vigil, “I was just cleaning this here clock and the vending machine just… broke.”

“Just… broke?” the Stallion replied with confusion, “How can a vending machine just get smashed?”

“Hollywood celebrities,” the biped replied as if the answer was obvious. Vigil shook his head, disregarding the strange creature which he assumed was an armoured human as he moved to investigate the vending machine. The guard took note of the tiny amount of candy-bars in the wreckage, the fist-shaped indent on the back of the machine and the booted footprints around the scene. A flash of white caught the stallion’s eye, the pony crouching down to get a better look at the object that was hidden under the machine. A roll of white masking tape and a black marker appeared to have been concealed, the marker’s lid was off and the tape had appeared to have been recently used.

Vigil slowly put the dots together in his head as his eyes widened. The appearance of the strange biped, the lack of candy, the fist-shaped dent and the fact that the facility had two janitors when it used to have one…

Stern Vigil looked up at the biped, the creature standing beside the crouching pony with the white cloth in his left hand. As he looked closer the guard-stallion noticed that a corner of the nametag was peeling off.

“You’re not a Janitor, are you?” Vigil asked, really regretting that he wasn’t allowed to bring his weapons into the boot camp. The biped shook it’s head, a light chuckle causing a chill to run down the pony’s spine.

“I’m a cleaner, but not the kind who uses a mop,” the creature responded. Vigil opened his mouth in an attempt to raise the alarm but the biped whipped his right hand out from behind his back and smashed Vigil in the face with the clock the human had been cleaning, the stallion slumping to the ground as he blacked out.

Nigel placed the now-broken clock next to the unconscious equine and dusted his hands, taking a second to make sure his name tag was stuck down securely. Chalmers glanced towards the knocked out guard as he stepped over him on his way to the open door.

“Sorry bud, if I had the time I would have done things a little differently but unfortunately I can’t change the past. I’ve you hadn’t second-guessed me it wouldn’t be nap time right now but every minute counts.” His mandatory time puns completed Nigel exited the room into a plan stone hallway, multiple doors and window on either side. He closed the door behind him; hopefully the evidence of his arrival would not be discovered for a while. Glancing both ways, Chalmers saw no signs of life, the human shrugging before walking down to the right side, passing doors labelled ‘Storage’, ‘Heating’ and other such utility rooms.

One thing he had learned over his time as a ISA agent was that if you acted like you were supposed to be somewhere then nobody really questioned your intentions, Nigel adopting this by using a gangsta lean as he swaggered down the corridor. He stopped at one door, the name ‘Janitor’s Closet’ standing out as the human paused. The closet would certainly contain more janitor-like items, allowing him to improve his disguise so he could find a way out of this place as soon as possible. Testing the knob and finding that it appeared to be unlocked he opened it up and ducked inside, closing the door behind him swiftly.

His victory at infiltrating the closet was short-lived, a soft sobbing sounding from behind him. Nigel turned around, finding a light switch mounted on the wall so he flicked it on. The closet was bathed in a warm yellow light, rows of shelving filled with assorted cleaning supplies lining the walls. Chalmers noticed that the room was quite large, evidently this facility needed a lot of cleaning judging from the items marked ‘Bloodstain Remover’ up to ‘Nuclear Radiation Absorber’. He moved further down the room, the sobbing having stopped when the light had been turned on. Nigel rounded a bend and came face-to-face with a black insectoid equine wearing a shocked expression on her face.

“Who are you? Why are you in my closet?” The equine demanded, Nigel taking note of the creature’s large green eyes and jagged horn. Its voice was female, an observation backed up by the large eyelashes and slender form it possessed. The human also took note of the tear marks underneath the creature’s eyes.

“I’m the janitor,” Nigel responded, pointing to his name tag with a finger, “why were you crying?”

“Queen Chrysalis of the changelings does not cry!” the creature answered forcefully, “I merely got some… cleaning powder in my eyes. I have no need for such sadness.” Nigel raised an eyebrow under his helmet, the creature unable to see his expression while she glared at him.

“Why is a Queen in a janitor’s closet?” he inquired, the creature deflating a little, “don’t you have subjects to rule, rivals to conquer and daughters to wed?” Nigel wasn’t the highest authority on Monarchies, but these three things seemed to be the most historically prevalent from what he knew.

“I’m on prohibition,” Queen Chrysalis replied as she sat down on her rump, Nigel choosing to seat himself on an upturned can of paint the metal straining to hold his weight. “After my failed invasion of Canterlot Celestia forced me to serve as a janitor in this crazy boot camp as punishment, I’m sick of cleaning up all the mess everyone makes! I want to go home.” Chrysalis sighed as she rested her head on her forelegs.

Nigel was intrigued by this ‘Canterlot’, not only was it another horse pun but it sounded incredibly flammable. He would have to pay it a visit sometime. Putting his thoughts of city-wide arson aside Chalmers patted the mare (he thought that was the term, the Queen looked more like a horse than insect) on her back, handing her the white cloth he still held so she could blow her nose.

“Thanks, I really needed that,” the Queen acknowledged with a slight smile. Nigel withdrew two chocolate bars from his suit and removed his helmet, the human offering one of the treats to the Queen. “No thank you, I don’t eat things like that,” Chrysalis stated as she pushed the bar back with a hoof.

“More for me,” said Nigel with a shrug, unwrapping both bars before devouring them both as the Queen watched on. The human let out a contented sight as he patted his stomach, turning to look at the Queen who was staring at him with curiosity. “So tell me,” Chalmers continued on, gesturing back towards the closet door, “if you hate this closet so much why don’t you just leave?”

“The door is sealed from inside,” Chrysalis replied, her horn lighting up as she propelled a container towards the closed door, a purple barrier appearing which blocked the container from reaching the door. “You can only go in, not out and it will stay like that until Twilight Sparkle lets me out. I probably have to spend the rest of the day and night in here until it’s back to work tomorrow.” The Queen emphasised her statement by throwing her hooves up into the air mockingly, Nigel smirking at the dramatic gesture. Chrysalis noticed this, slightly relieved that she at least hd someone to talk to. “So, strange human, may I ask your name?”

“I forgot to tell you? I apologize for the rudeness. I am Nigel M Chalmers, Commander in the ISA of the UIP, pleased to meet you.” Chalmers reached out a hand, Chrysalis extending a hole-riddled hoof to allow the human to shake it.

“I assume you’re here for the camp?” the changeling questioned, Nigel wincing in response.

“Nope, I had a slight, err, ‘teleporter malfunction’ and found myself in a room down the hall. Next thing I know I’ve broken a vending machine and knocked out some kind of pony guard. Needless to say I got the hell out of there and found myself in your closet. It seems however that I appear to be trapped here with you and escape will not be possible until tomorrow. I am unsure as to how I will be received by anyone else considering I attacked their security guard.”

The Changeling was unable to contain her mirth, her laughter filling the closet at the re-telling of the human’s unplanned arrival. Chalmers shrugged and began to unwrap a third bar, the Queen managing to calm down moments later. “So what do you plan to do once you get out,” Nigel asked the Queen as he leaned back against some shelving.

“Find my scattered subjects, re-build my Hive and get revenge on Celestia!” Chrysalis growled as she raised a hoof to the ceiling. “The changelings will prevail and triumph shall be mine!” The human rolled his eyes, the Queen not noticing this as she grinned evilly. Nigel was enjoying this, he always loved evil and the changeling was as stereotypical villain as one could get. “What about you Nigel Chalmers, what are your plans once you escape this closet?” The queen queried as Nigel paused his eating.

“Step one: escape this ‘camp’. Step two: find this ‘Canterlot’. Step three is set fire to it, don’t really know why but I feel like it’s something I just have to do. Step four: get off this planet or conquer it for the glory of the UIP, still trying to figure out what I want to do, any questions?” The Queen seemed shocked at his goals, her face morphing into one of alarm.

“You can’t burn down Canterlot, that’s going to be my new seat of power when I rule Equestria!” Chrysalis argued, Nigel scratching his chin in thought.

“Hmm, that is an issue. Maybe we could work out a deal, say you get all of the major population centres and we, the UIP, get all of the smaller villages and vacant land.” The queen looked intrigued at this suggestion, the changeling nodding her head. “Judging from the fact that you were defeated in your first attempt I could offer my services as a military adviser and general, that way when we win and trust me, we will, we can split the land and all prosper in our own evil ways.”

“I like the sound of that!” Chrysalis laughed manically as she raised a hoof into the air, “for Evil!”

“Evil!” Nigel agreed, raising a fist to meet the changeling hoof. Both beings let out evil laughter, delighting in the formulation of their diabolical master plan. Chrysalis ceased her laughter gradually, pleased to have found a creature that matched her thinking so. Add to the equation that this Nigel M Chalmers wasn’t the worst looking human she had seen…

“So Nigel,” she started with a seductive tone in her voice, “It looks like we’re going to be stuck in this closet for hours. Did I mention that my race feeds on love and… lust?” Nigel raised an eyebrow with an interested smirk on his face. The queen was right; it was an awfully long time until their release from this closet was due…

“Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” the human asked, Chrysalis not answering instead opting to cover herself in green flame. The effect died out and revealed the queen dressed in a skimpy nurse outfit, white socks covering her legs while she held a red paper heart in her jaws. She looked at him with lust-filled emerald eyes, her tail flicking as she wiggled her rump. “Guess you are,” Nigel confirmed, grabbing a janitor’s hat from a shelf as he stood up. He easily picked up the pleasantly surprised nurse and grinned devilishly at her.

“We better get to it, a janitor has to have something to clean after all.”