I should have asked my sister instead!
Dear Royal Guard,
First things first, salutes. It’s been almost a year since the day I officially left the Royal Guard and became a member of the Royal Family, but I’ll always be a Guard at heart. I know how stressful and important the job is, and for that I’m sending this letter to the Royal Guard as a whole. This message is directed to every single one of you.
As I’ve said before, it’s been almost a year since the day I was relieved of my duties as Captain Shining Armor and became Prince Shining Armor. That also means that it’s been almost a year since the day I married my wife, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.
And as you can imagine, I want our first anniversary to be special. Every single subject of the Crystal Empire will give my wife a gift, and so will the other princesses. If I give her a normal present, it won’t stand out. So I need something that’s out of the ordinary.
That’s why I’m sending you this letter. Even though my courtship with Cadance started well before I entered the Royal Guard, the years when I wore the golden armor were, without any doubt, the most important ones in our relationship. As such, I would like to be a simple Guard once again, for a whole day, and dedicate myself and my ponies to Cadance. I do believe the idea of literally being her servant, her shield and her protector for twenty-four hours is pretty romantic, even more so if I get my old comrades to take me as their captain once more. It’s also more original than giving her a bottle of scented soap (that’s Plan B).
So I ask you to help me with my anniversary gift. I would be honored if you came here and acted as if everything was like it was a year ago, for just one day. I’m asking you this as a prince of a neighboring empire, as your ex-captain and as a personal friend. I know I could do the same with my Crystal Guards, but they are not the ponies I trained. They might be my soldiers, but they’re not my brothers.
And, of course, this is a secret. Nopony must know about this.
With highest regards,
Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
It would be a great honor to us to be under the command of the best captain the Guard has ever had, sir. Leaving Canterlot for a single day shouldn’t be a problem anyway—we’ve received no news of foes attacking the castle anytime soon, and with your sister working as a librarian again there’s no need to worry about revolutions or civil wars.
We kindly accept your offer and promise to do whatever it takes to keep this a secret, sir. Then again, we doubt that Princess Cadance would ask us if we are planning anything on your anniversary, but we’ll be sure to tell her we have nothing in mind if she does. We’re prepared for any incidents, sir.
Awaiting more instructions,
The Royal Guard
Dear Royal Guard,
I’m very grateful for your help. Attached to this letter are the patterns for the Cute Puppy Parade I’m planning. As Cadance will be looking at us from the balcony, the patterns look like cute things she likes: kittens, ewes, my face… They’re as simple as can be, and I know you’ll be able to memorize them by the time you arrive.
By the way, Cadance is not the only one who can’t know about this. It’s a secret to everypony, including Celestia and Luna. It’s national security, ponies. We don’t want to anger the Princess of the Crystal Empire. My wife can be scary sometimes.
Anyway, we have two weeks to prepare everything. I trust you with this, Royal Guard. I know you will not disappoint me.
Signed,
Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire.
Dear Captain Golden Helmet,
It’s come to my attention that you’ve been practicing some new maneuvers with your Guards, and neither Luna nor I have been informed about such a drastic change in our military strategies. I trust you enough to not be worried, and I’m sure my doubts are not important enough for me to interrupt your work by requesting your presence in the middle of the day, but it’s still strange. May I know what is happening?
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
We don’t know what you’re talking about. We haven’t been practicing new maneuvers. Anything resembling a new maneuver or pattern in our daily practices is surely part of your imagination, Princess.
This is our normal practice.
Sincerely,
Golden Helmet, Captain of the Royal Guard
Dear Captain Golden Helmet,
I’m looking at your maneuvers from the balcony right now and you’re trying to form the shape of Cerberus while you march. I’m completely sure I haven’t planned any maneuver that resembles Cerberus in any shape.
Please, explain what is happening right now.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I’m completely sure that we are not doing anything new. The Royal Guard doesn’t have any secrets. I am being completely sincere here. There’s no Cerberus in our new maneuvers. The new maneuvers we are not practicing. Because we don’t have any.
Everything is perfectly normal. Please do not interrupt your royal duties because of us again. We wouldn’t like Canterlot’s routine to be altered because of our “suspicious” behavior. Please, do note that I wrote ‘suspicious’ in air quotes to demonstrate that we are not, under any circumstances, acting suspiciously.
Sincerely,
Golden Helmet, Captain of the Royal Guard
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
We think the princesses almost discovered the surprise we’d planned for your wife, sir. Thankfully, we realized that in time and used our professional training to fool her. It’s impossible for her to suspect anything at all, but it’s been too close—Princess Luna herself put on a clever disguise and tried to infiltrate our secret practice. But luckily for us, our extreme precautions worked out and we spotted her. We think the problem is solved, but we figured you should be notified about this anyway.
Also, we need to work more on the Cute factor. We nailed the Puppy one, though.
Sincerely,
The Royal Guard
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
I’m sending you this letter in secrecy. Only Luna knows about this, and you may only tell Cadance. This is a matter of utmost importance, and I’m telling you this in regards of you being the ex-captain of the Royal Guard and the prince of an allied empire.
Luna and I think we might be in danger. The Royal Guards have been acting in a strange way lately, and since your departure we’ve lacked a proper leader. They’re practicing new maneuvers, and I can’t begin to describe the horror they cause me. I don’t know who came up with them, but the military knowledge I’ve gathered during my long life tells me they are lethal. They’ve realized I’ve been watching them, and now every time they spot me they turn away and start whistling. They even whistle the same melody. They harmonize.
Luna tried to wear a fake moustache and golden armor made of cardboard to get in the secret practices they do every day in the Royal Garden at three o’clock, but they managed to spot her.
I recognize the work of an evil genius when I see it. They wouldn’t have been able to discover Luna unless somepony had warned them against her. We fear at least half of the Royal Guards are getting orders from an agent outside the castle. I don’t know what we’re dealing with, but I am scared. Not even your sister knows about this, as I don’t want to put her in danger. Also, she destroyed half the castle last time she was in Canterlot, so I’m not calling her unless the situation is extreme.
There’s nothing I can do now. Both Luna and I are trapped inside the castle. We can’t trust anypony. We can only trust you.
We need your help.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Royal Guard,
I have bad news for you all. Princess Celestia almost discovered our surprise parade and there might be a secret conspiracy that’s trying to destroy all existing life as we know it. And that conspiracy has already infiltrating the Royal Guard. So I’m afraid I’m actually telling the bad guys we’ve discovered them with this letter.
That’s as bad as things can go. Luckily, I came up the perfect plan to solve this, and telling the conspirators they’re going to get busted in advance is a sacrifice we must do first. Please, follow the instructions attached to this letter as quickly as possible. I know it’s pretty late, but if you’re able to do everything I say by tomorrow, we’ll have no reason to worry.
Signed,
Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
We’re afraid this missive includes both good news and bad news, sir. The good news is that, as a whole, the entire Royal Guard has followed your plan to the last detail, and now we’re safely hidden in the cave you told us about. The bad news are that Princess Celestia found us and now she’s outside the cave and she’s yelling at us. We put a magical shield at the entrance of the cave so we can’t hear what she’s saying, but she looks angry.
She’s starting to kick the shield as I write these words, sir. We’ve tried to shoo her away with unsuccessful results. A recruit proposed throwing snow at her to see if she gets the message, but I can tell it’s not working.
We’re literally out of ideas, sir.
Sincerely,
The Royal Guard
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
I’m going to be optimistic. I’m going to assume there’s a perfectly rational explanation as to why my Royal Guard is in a cave and why they are trying to shoo me away like a dog. I’m also going to assume that you can get them back to Canterlot right now.
I’m currently waiting. Don’t make me wait any longer.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Royal Guard,
I have to admit that the situation seems hopeless. Princess Celestia is in great danger if she’s near you, and with her watching you can’t really practice the parade. I’ll ask my father for advice, as he has a lot of experience in talking with angry mares.
Meanwhile, you watch for each other—look for the traitors. If you detect them, tie them up. And try to practice the Cute Puppy Parade without the princess noticing.
I trust you on this, ponies. I know you won’t disappoint me.
Signed,
Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
We don’t really think we can practice the parade in this cave, sir. It’s pretty small, and way too crowded. We can’t even sit in here, sir.
Also the snow doesn’t work, so we’re trying it with small pebbles. She looks angrier now.
Sincerely,
The Royal Guard
Dear Royal Guard,
Well, you can at least try. Don’t do it for me if you don’t want to, but at least do this for Cadance. Do this for love. That parade is very important!
Signed,
Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
I can see the Guards getting missives with the Crystal Empire seal on them, and yet they are not getting out of that cave. In fact, they’re… creating a pyramid with their bodies? They’re walking on top of each other, or at least they’re trying to. That looks painful.
Anyway, I see that you’re writing to them and they’re not dispelling the barrier. I’m starting to feel less optimistic, and you really don’t want me to be pessimistic. Solve this now.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I asked my father about what to do in this situation, and he shared two pieces of advice: First, being optimistic is far better than being pessimistic, so you should keep on being optimistic. He also says that eating vegetables and doing some exercise every day helps you being more optimistic because a healthy body is a happy body.
And then he told me that, when in trouble, honesty is the best policy. So, I’m going to be honest here, Princess, but I’m begging you to keep my secret, as it’s pretty important to me.
I confess that, even though I sent the Royal Guard to the mountain to keep both you and Luna safe from the conspirators, I also had selfish reasons. My wedding anniversary is coming up pretty soon, and I asked my old brothers to help me with a parade I organized. The mountain is the perfect place both to keep the conspirators away from you and to practice the Cute Puppy Parade. So I need you to get out of there as soon as possible, Princess, as the fate of my marriage and Canterlot depend on that. Also, the Guards are going to run out of pebbles eventually. And they can’t really practice the parade while in the cave.
Please, Princess, go back to Canterlot. Go back to safety. And let me work on the Cute Puppy Parade.
Signed,
Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
Do you mind explaining the whole parade thing to me a little more? Because I think there’s been a very silly confusion here, and we can solve this in no time. The Guards have been practicing it in the castle, at three o’clock, in the Royal Garden.
If that’s the case, I’m pretty sure the conspiracy and your Cute Puppy Parade have been one and the same all this time, and I’ve been needlessly worried.
Please, tell the Royal Guards that they can get out of the cave now. Canterlot is not safe without them.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Royal Guard,
I have the most horrible news for you. This is not a normal letter. Usually, its contents would be worthy of my use of the Captain Voice, but as it’s very hard to do that in a letter, I’ll include a drawing of me being angry instead. Now imagine me using my Captain Voice while looking like this:
I’m afraid the conspiracy has infected our Cute Puppy Parade, my ponies. The conspirators are between us, and they are practicing their conspiracy while you practice my present for Cadance.
The Cute Puppy Parade is being transformed into a Killer Puppy Parade, and Cadance hates killer puppies. This is going to be the worst anniversary ever. We can’t attack Celestia as a present for my wife—it would be tasteless and far worse than scented soap.
So now I’m asking you to stallion up, my ponies! There are conspirators among you! You are in danger! Celestia is in danger! Everypony is in danger!
Be careful, as anypony among you could be a monster in disguise!
Signed,
Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
I saw that you sent a letter to the Guards, but they’re not coming out. They’re reading your letter out loud, instead, while Golden Helmet does charades, I think? He’s shaking his hooves in the air and making spooky faces. I think he’s actually scaring the other Guards. Is… Is that one crying?
Shining Armor, I don’t know what kind of letter you sent to them, but I’m pretty sure they misunderstood it.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Worry not, as I am dealing with the conspirators at this very moment! We’ll keep you safe, Princess! Now that we know that our very Cute Puppy Parade has been infected, there’s no way we will be fooled again!
Now that the traitors know that we know they are there, they’ll get scared! It’s all part of my plan, Princess! The first ones to will break down are the ones that will be prosecuted!
And this is not all! I have more things in mind to pursue and unmask those who dare to destroy my anniversary gift! Leave this to me and fly to safety, Princess!
Signed,
Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
Okay, they are trying to run in circles now. Trying. Because the cave is too small and it’s way too crowded. They’re mostly running into each other, and some of them are actually stepping on their comrades. At least now they’re not throwing anything at me anymore, I guess.
Wait a minute. Golden Helmet is still making charades. I think that’s the main reason why they’re so hysteric.
Anyway, Shining Armor, you don’t need to worry about the conspiracy—it was all a silly mistake on my part. There’s no conspiracy whatsoever. No evil mastermind. They weren’t practicing any new maneuvers, they were just practicing your parade!
I am not in danger. My Guards, on the other hoof and judging by what they’re doing in there, sure are. And I can’t stress this enough: Canterlot is in serious danger at the moment. Please, tell them to get out of that cave immediately.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I… see. They were just practicing the Cute Puppy Parade.
Now I understand what the problem is, Princess. I must admit, the situation frightens me. But I will do what’s right. I’m not putting you in danger, and I swear upon the moon and stars that my wife will not face any threat from me! I’ll protect both you and Cadance, even if that’s the last thing I do!
This situation can’t be solved with a cave! I need to take care of myself too!
TELL CADANCE I LOVE HER!
Signed,
Shining Armor, or at least, what little remains of him
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
What?
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Royal Guard,
My fellow comrades, I must use my Sad and Alarmed Captain Voice now. Please, read the following letter with the correct intonation. (Golden Helmet, please use the diaphragm. Your voice has to be deep and powerful. Weep a little, too. That adds drama.)
I’m afraid the situation is hopeless. We can do nothing. WE CAN DO NOTHING!
THE ENEMY CAN CONTROL OUR MINDS! THE CUTE PUPPY PARADE WAS THEIR PLAN ALL ALONG, AS I AM CURRENTLY UNDER THEIR SICK MIND GAMES! I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S REAL AND WHAT ISN’T ANYMORE! IT’S TIME TO PANIC!
YOU’RE NOT SAFE FROM YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS, YOU’RE NOT SAFE FROM YOUR FAMILY, YOU’RE NOT SAFE FROM YOURSELVES! THEY ALREADY GOT ME! MAYBE THEY ALREADY GOT YOU, TOO!
NOPONY IS SAFE! NOTHING IS TRUE ANYMORE! PANIC! THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO IS PANIC! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Signed,
Shining Armor, or at least, what little remains of him
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Signed,
The Royal Guard
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
They’re still not coming out. I’m losing my patience.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
I told you they aren’t coming out yet. Do something!
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Aunt Celestia,
So, I come back from my anniversary preparations and I see that my husband is:
Locked inside the bathroom,
Casting one of his bubble barriers,
Trapping the entire bathroom inside of his bubble barrier,
Yelling something about his inner evil twin.
Please, tell me there’s a perfectly rational explanation for this.
Signed,
Princess Cadance
Dear Princess Cadance,
Oh my goodness.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Aunt Celestia,
Yes. Thanks for your helpful advice.
You know, I really want to use the bathroom. And this bubble burns any parchment that touches it, so it’s not like I can kick him out myself.
A little help would be useful, that’s what I’m trying to say here.
Signed,
Cadance
Dear Cadance,
I’m really, really sorry. It’s just that my Royal Guard is not obeying me, Canterlot is in serious danger, and I’ve had a very stressful day. I’ve been through a lot of things lately, and I’m honestly getting a little tired of it. I’m sorry.
Anyway, I know what’s happening with your husband. Don’t worry, I know what to do. I’m afraid I’ll have to fight fire with fire, though.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
I swore to myself that I would never do this, but desperate situations call for desperate measures. I have no other option, and even though it’s painful and we both know that there are going to be consequences, I see that the alternatives are even worse.
Princess Twilight, I need to ask you for help.
Now, before I say anything else, I want to explain that as my personal protégé I respect you, as the newest Princess of Equestria I admire you, and as a personal friend I love you. But, as a ruler, the last time I gave you the kingdom for one week you almost destroyed a monarchy that’s literally as old as the sun. You also managed to mess up the sewer system, and Canterlot still smells a little (although everypony is too polite to point it out, thankfully).
But now I see myself in need of help, as I myself have failed as a ruler. My Royal Guard is gone, and they are following your brother. And now your brother thinks he has an evil side that turns cute puppies into killers, and it’s locked in his bathroom and doesn’t want to go out, and it’s burning papers with a bubble, and…
I’m going to be honest: Between this and what you did, I think that the stress finally got the best of me. Canterlot is defenseless without the Guards, Luna and I are defenseless without the Guards, and I think that the snow and pebbles ruined my mane.
Dragon fire can get through any kind of barrier. Please, try to convince Shining Armor to get out, or at least try to convince the Royal Guard to do so. You’re his family, you should know what to do. If you also manage not to endanger my two-thousand-years-old kingdom while you’re at it, I would be very thankful. More in danger than it already is in, I mean.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear BBBFF,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! DO YOU REALIZE THAT BOTH THE PRINCESSES AND EQUESTRIA AS A WHOLE ARE IN DANGER RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF YOU?!
GET THE GUARDS DOWN OF THAT MOUNTAIN THIS INSTANT, SHINING ARMOR, OR I’LL GO TELL DAD!
Signed,
Your little sister
Dear Twily,
I AM SACRIFICING MYSELF FOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS, LITTLE SISTER!
I AM GLAD YOU’RE USING THE SAD CAPTAIN VOICE TOO, BUT THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO!
Love,
Shining Armor
Dear Dad,
Shining is going to destroy Canterlot because he won’t come out of the bathroom! Tell him to come out! The Princess is trusting me on this! Without the Guards, Canterlot is doomed!
Doomed!
Signed,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Daughter,
Well, I don’t know the exact details, but sometimes, a stallion has to follow his heart. You’ll get it one day, sweetie.
And honestly, I don’t see any mayhem here in Canterlot. We’re just guardless. Maybe you’re overreacting a little?
Love,
Dad
Dear BBBFF,
Well then.
I’m telling mom. She’ll send you a letter via Spike.
Signed,
Your little sister
Dear Twily
OH CELESTIA, NO! DON’T DO THAT. I’M DOING THIS FOR CADANCE AND CELESTIA AND LUNA AND EQUESTRIA AND DON’T TELL MOM I’M NOT GOING TO COME OUT I’M NEVER COMING OUT DON’T TELL MOM.
Signed,
Shining Armor
Dear Shining Armor,
Ahem.
Signed,
Mom
Dear Aunt Celestia,
Well, Shining is out and the bathroom is free now. I can’t say I’m not happy.
He explained the whole Royal-Guards-in-a-cave thing to me, and he promised me he will fix everything as soon as possible. He’s still convinced he has a dark side, though. He tried to show me how his reflection’s blinking was slightly delayed because apparently somepony once said that proves you’re being possesed. He kept winking at the mirror for two hours straight until he gave up.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to this stallion if he hadn’t been so insultingly cute. He’s lucky he’s so dreamy.
Anyway, he’s going to Canterlot, so your Guards should be back in no time. Apparently, a letter to Twilight Velvet is all it takes.
With love,
Princess Cadance
Dear Princess Cadance,
You don’t know how delighted I am to read your words, my dear. These last two days have been incredibly stressful. I’ve been steps away from taking drastic measures. However, I can never be sure about these sort of problems—I’ll start to relax once everything’s back to normal.
Please, send me a missive when Shining Armor takes the train, so I’ll be prepared to greet him and the Royal Guards properly. I want this whole deal to be over as soon as possible.
Thank you very, very much. Next time I’ll go ask for Twilight Velvet’s help immediately. It’s just that I don’t want to interrupt her when she’s writing.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Aunt Celestia,
What do you mean, “when Shining Armor takes the train”? He took it right after I sent the letter to you. Both him and the Guards should already be in Canterlot.
With concern,
Princess Cadance
Dear Princess Cadance,
I can assure you that Shining Armor is not here. The train arrived safely, but he was not in it.
I’m starting to get a little worried here.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Aunt Celestia,
Oh, my. This can’t be good. I’m sure he took the train—he did that right in front of me!
I sent a letter to Twilight and she’s looking for him with a spell, but it will take some time.
With love,
Princess Cadance
Dear Princess Cadance,
I don’t understand. If he’s not there, and he’s not here, then where is he?
Signed,
Princess Celestia
SHINING ARMOR,
GET DOWN OF THAT MOUNTAIN THIS VERY INSTANT!
SIGNED,
YOUR LITTLE SISTER
Dear Twily,
No.
Signed,
Shining Armor
Dear Shiny,
I’m with Twilight. Celestia is also here. We can send you as many letters as we want, because we have Spike here. We’re going to tell Velvet.
Get. Out. Of. That. Cave.
Signed,
Your wife
Dear Cady,
No. I will defy my mother for you, my love!
We will protect you!
Also, we’re hungry. Do you mind sending any food?
Love,
Your husband
Dear Shiny,
Aaaw. You always know what to say. I can’t stay mad at you.
On the other hoof, judging by the amount of foam coming out of her mouth, I think you managed to break my aunt.
Love,
Your wife
DEAR PRINCE SHINING ARMOR,
GET MY ROYAL GUARDS OUT OF THAT CAVE RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR TO THE STARS I’M GOING TO GET LUNA AND YOU’RE GOING TO ENDURE THE FURY OF FOUR DIFFERENT ALICORNS AT ONCE!
AND WE’RE NOT GIVING YOU ANY FOOD.
SIGNED,
PRINCESS CELESTIA
Dear Spike,
Do you mind sending a package to your brother? It’s just some food. He sent me a letter asking for it, but I can’t seem to do it with my magic. I’m pretty sure your fire will do the trick.
I split it in three smaller packages so you won’t have a near-death experience again. Tell me whenever you’re ready, please!
Signed,
Dad
DEAR DAD,
YOU’RE NOT GIVING SHINING ANYTHING! TELL HIM TO GET DOWN THIS INSTANT!
SIGNED,
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Dear Daughter,
Twilight, I can’t control Shining Armor. He’s an adult. You have to respect his decisions now! And he asked nicely for some food, so I oblige. You should learn a few things from him. Being polite is always the right choice.
Slightly disappointed,
Dad
DEAR DAD,
SHINING ARMOR IS CURRENTLY THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY CANTERLOT IS IN SERIOUS DANGER, AND HE’S NOT GOING TO GET ANY FOOD UNTIL HE COMES BACK, APOLOGIZES, AND SOLVES THIS SITUATION!
I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE NOTICED, BUT THE GUARDS ARE GONE AND CHAOS AND DISHARMONY AND DEATH AND MISERY ARE ROAMING THROUGH CANTERLOT’S STREETS AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
SIGNED,
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Dear Mom,
I’m really sorry to interrupt your writing, but Canterlot might be destroyed and life as we know it will be over because Shining refuses to get out of a cave, and the Guards only listen to him. And Dad is not listening to me either!
Signed,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
For crying out loud, you mean the Guard is still not here? I thought this has already been dealt with. I need to get out more often. And you two really need to stop endangering ponykind every two weeks. It’s starting to become a habit.
Anyway, darling, I can’t waste my time lecturing your brother—I’m really busy with this new book. I barely had time to answer this letter! You see, I’ve somewhat managed to write that chapter that was giving me a headache, and after fourteen novels I can finally reveal Sugar Song’s secret. I honestly can’t help you right now. Go ask your father or something.
I’ll send you the draft tomorrow night. In three different packages. Tell Spike I’m still sorry for what I did last time.
Signed,
Mom
Dear Twilight Velvet,
OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH I CAN’T WAIT TO READ THAT, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! DARING DO! DARING DO!
Signed,
Princess Celestia
P.S. Cadance here: OH MY GOSH, DARING DO!
Dear Twilight
I went to sleep, hoping that by the time I woke up the letter would be gone, but it’s still there. It wasn’t a nightmare.
Still, please, tell me they are not with you.
I beg you.
Signed,
Mom
Dear Mom,
Spike read the letter out loud. Sorry.
However, if we get Shining Armor and the Royal Guards out of that stupid mountain, both Cadance and Celestia should go away from the library.
So, can you help us? Please?
Signed,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
I told you to ask your father! I’ve already lost one full night of writing because I was suffering from a severe case of flashbacks. I can’t afford this silly epistolary conversation!
Although, talking about your father, Night Light hasn’t been home for the last twenty-four hours. Or so I think, judging by the time he stopped bringing me food. Do you have any idea where he is?
Signed,
Mom
Dear Mom,
What? Dad is gone?!
Signed,
Twilight Sparkle
A horrible roar, louder than the sound of Tartarus’ deepest level, crossed the skies of Canterlot. The earth shook, as if trembling in fear against the very being of the dire, horrendous creature that soared above the citizens of the city. Canterlot itself seemed to be afraid when the beast finally landed on Twilight’s Velvet backyard.
When Night Light got down from the dragon’s back, muttering a “thanks for the flight!” to him, he saw that his wife was already there, waiting for him. “Isn’t he cool?” he said, smiling. “His name is Frackle. Say ‘hi’, Frackle.”
“HI.”
Twilight Velvet blinked. “We have a dragon now.”
“Yes!”
“Why do we have a dragon now?”
“Because Twilight won’t let me use Spike!”
Silence.
“And how exactly did you get a dragon?”
“I asked nicely.”
“YOUR HUSBAND IS A TRUE GENTLEMAN, MADAME VELVET.”
More silence.
“So, did you, like, dance to him, or…?”
“What? No! Why would I dance for him? What would that accomplish?” Night Light turned to the magnificent, ancient Lord of Shadows and Fire, the Winged Bringer of Death, Frackle the Dragon. “Is dancing a normal thing for dragons, or…?”
“I’M AFRAID NOT. I TOO FAIL TO UNDERSTAND THE LOGIC BEHIND MADAME VELVET’S WORDS, MONSIEUR NIGHT LIGHT.”
“So you got a dragon just by asking?”
“I asked nicely.”
“THAT’S A HUGE DIFFERENCE.”
Silence.
“Well, I guess that’s good to know.”
Night Light beamed with a smile. “Yes! Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to cook something. I’m sure you’re hungry, honey, and I also need to prepare dinner for, like, a thousand Royal Guards. Do you think we have enough eggs?”
“I guess?”
“I CAN GO BUY SOME AT THE STORE, IF YOU NEED THEM.”
“Nah, don’t bother, Frackle. I’m sure we’ll have enough eggs. We always have enough eggs.” Night Light opened the door and got into the house. “Velvet, be a dear and give Frackle some company. He doesn’t like being alone!”
Silence.
“So.”
“YES, MADAME?”
“You’re a dragon.”
“YES, MADAME.”
“You’re pretty fancy for being a dragon.”
“I’M TRYING MY BEST, MADAME.”
Silence.
“You dragons are pretty wise, right?”
“WE ARE GIFTED WITH LONG, HARSH LIVES, RUNNING FROM THE MORTALS THAT TRY TO KILL US, RUNNING FROM OTHER DRAGONS THAT TRY TO KILL US, AS WE CAN NOT BEAR THE PRESENCE OF ANOTHER OF OUR KIND BEING BETTER THAN US. IF WE ARE WISE, WE ARE SO BECAUSE THE ALTERNATIVE IS DYING. WISDOM IS NOT A GIFT, BUT A BURDEN, AS THE WISER A DRAGON IS, THE MORE DANGER HE IS IN."
“My daughter-in-law’s anniversary is coming. I don’t know what to buy her.”
“I SUGGEST SCENTED SOAP.”
Dear Dad,
The… the newspaper says you have a dragon now.
Please, tell me you don’t have a dragon now.
Signed,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Daughter,
You’ll have to agree with me on this: it was the only logical option.
Signed,
Dad
Dear Luna,
Well, that’s it. This is how it ends: not with a bang, but with a giant dragon that can destroy Canterlot and its inhabitants in four minutes. And now there’s food in the cave, so there’s no way they are going to get out by themselves at this point.
I didn’t want to do this, but we have no other option. They have food, so they’re not coming out on their own.
Come to the library as soon as possible. We’re taking drastic measures.
Signed,
Celestia
Luna arrived just a few minutes after the letter had been sent. They were right in front of the mountain where Shining Armor was hidden, in one of the most faraway corners of Equestria. Twilight greeted the princess of the night with a worried look, her ears flat against her head. “Princess…”
“Greetings, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna said. She turned to Celestia and Cadance. “And greetings to you, too. It feels good to leave the castle. I had to wash my blankey anyway.”
“What?”
“Are you sure of what we are going to do, sister?” Luna asked. “Maybe you could send him a letter trying to convince him to get out.”
“We already tried that.”
“Did you try to threaten him or the Guards?”
“Yes.”
“Did you use his wife?”
“I sent him countless letters,” Cadance said.
“Bribe him?”
“No results.”
“Force him out?”
“The barrier might explode.”
“Setting the mountain on fire so they have to get out?”
Silence.
“Luna,” Celestia said, “I’m pretty sure caves can’t burn down.”
“You just need to believe in yourself.”
“So,” Celestia said, shaking her head, “I’m sure that we have no other option. We need to use the ultimate solution, Luna.”
“Hmph.” Luna gave a side glance to Cadance and Twilight, who frowned a little at this. “I just feel like we’re using it too much lately.”
“Oh, come on. We both know you’re exaggerating.” Celestia smiled. “Are you ready?”
“Ready for what, Princess?” Twilight approached Celestia and gulped after seeing her face. “What…? What are you going to do?”
“Something that we should have done a long time ago,” Celestia replied. “Fear not, Twilight Sparkle, as your brother is not in danger.”
“Be sure to take his blankey away. That will teach him.”
“What?”
“Sister, I’m ready!”
Celestia nodded, and both alicorns crossed her horns. Twilight and Cadance noticed the effects pretty soon.
When the sheer power of both immortal beings collided, the air itself seemed to shake in terror, sparks of all the colors of the rainbow flying everywhere, static electricity creeping around Twilight and Cadance’s fur. The temperature rose a few degrees as both princesses started to shine with a white light.
Then, from the point the two horns were touching each other, a single beam of pure, rainbow-colored energy emerged. At first it was thin like a hair, but soon it grew until it was thicker than Twilight’s entire body.
The beam changed directions then, and with the strength of a thousand stars exploding, it went straight to the peak of the mountain. Both Cadance and Twilight screamed when they saw the pure energy, the beautiful yet doubtlessly destructive ray of light hitting the place where Shining Armor was hiding.
Everything turned to white, forcing them to close their eyes and look away. And when they finally looked back at the mountain…
“…Nothing’s happened?” Twilight asked. Celestia and Luna were smiling. “What…? What did you…?”
“Wait for it, Twilight Sparkle. I’m sure that soon you’ll disco—”
“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—
“Uh? What was that?” Cadance’s ears perked up. “Did you hear it?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m pretty sure I heard something…”
—eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—
“There it was again!”
“Yes, I think I heard it too!” Twilight said. “It came from…”
—eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—
“…The mountain…”
“—eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—”
The four princesses frowned. Celestia was the first talking. “Is that…?”
BOOM!
With a huge explosion, part of the mountain fell down as a grinning, white, winged unicorn flew down away with the grace of a slightly drunk swan.
“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—”
Chirping in glee, Shining Armor, now with wings, flew past the four alicorns that were looking at him and went straight to Canterlot, catching a break to breathe every few minutes.
Without saying a word, the princesses saw him disappear into the horizon.
Silence.
Celestia sighed. “Well, it’s official: I’m out of ideas.”
Twilight blinked. “…You turned my brother into an alicorn.”
Celestia nodded. “Yes.”
“That was your ‘ultimate solution’.”
“Indeed.”
“The Guards are not coming down.”
“Uh-huh. It didn’t work. Who would have thought?”
Silence.
“So… Shining Armor has wings now.”
Luna shot Twilight a side glance. “That seems to be our go-to solution lately, yes.”
Silence.
Cadance sighed. “Our bed is going to have more feathers than a pet store. I’m not sharing my scented soap with him.”
Author's Note
Yes, there's going to be an epilogue.
Man, I don't like this story. It went through three rewrites.
Please, tell me that at least I didn't screw it up too much.
Clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac.
“Honey?”
Twilight Velvet grunted something unintelligible before raising her eyes from the typewriter she had been using for the past eight hours. The clac-clac-clac stopped. Right in front of her stood Night Light, looking at her with a soft grin and a plate carrying chocolate cupcakes.
Silence.
“Whatever you want,” Velvet said, turning her attention back at the typewriter, “no. Now go away, I’m busy.”
Clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac.
“Aw, come on.” Night Light gave a soft chuckle and approached his wife with a smooth movement, still smiling. “You can’t—”
“You always bring me chocolate whenever you want something you know I won’t like,” Velvet said. Clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac-clac. “I still remember the cake you bought me the day you proposed to me.”
“Actually, that was our wedding cake.”
The clac-clac-clac stopped as Velvet looked at her husband once more. “Wait, what?”
“We were already married by the time I bought that cake, honey.”
“Really?”
Night Light nodded. “Eeyup. You had the ring and all that.”
“So I was writing when we got married?”
Night Light raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t you realize that you were single before Daring Do and the White Lion and married afterwards?”
“I don’t know, I thought it had happened naturally over time.”
“Putting it in perspective, that actually explains a lot about your behavior back then.”
“Oooh. Wait, then what was that humongous pie that I ate when—?”
“Our honeymoon,” Night Light said.
Silence.
“We had one of those?”
“Oh, yeah. We had a great time.”
“Oh.” Velvet blinked. “Well, that’s good to hear.” She got one cupcake and bit it, typing just with one hoof. Clac. Clac. Clac. Clac. Clac. Clac. “We should get another at some point.”
“That would be amazing, actually,” Night Light said. “And that actually brings me to what I wanted to ask you!”
Velvet raised an eyebrow and got another cupcake. “You wanted to ask me about our honeymoon?”
“Yeah, more or less it’s the same thing,” Night Light said. “I wanted to talk about Frackle.”
Silence.
“Our honeymoon reminds you of dragons?”
“We had an awesome honeymoon. Anyway, here’s my idea: What if we…”
Golden Oaks Library trembled with the screams of its owner.
“MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO DO WHAT?!”
“Adopt a giant, multiple centuries old, probably murderous dragon, who will legally become your new little brother,” Rarity said without raising her eyes from the newspaper she was reading. Slowly, she took a sip of tea, the cup glimmering with her blue magic. “Hmm. I can’t believe professional journalists can have such a hard time finding a calendar.”
“Rarity!” Twilight tossed the letter away and glared at her friend. “This is serious! My parents can’t do that!”
“Funny.” Rarity took another sip of tea, still not looking at Twilight. “Judging by what that letter said, I’m pretty sure they can.”
“I can’t have a dragon as a little brother! That’s just… That’s just stupid!”
“Woah.” Spike, who had been busy reading a recently purchased comic, frowned at Twilight. “Well, nice to hear that. What am I? A parrot?”
“Oh, for crying out loud!” Twilight slammed the table with her hooves. “You know that’s not what I meant!”
“Yeah, you’re not adopted, are you?” Rarity asked. “You’re just… Twilight’s assistant, right? But legally talking… what is exactly your position in the family, again?”
“I’ve always thought I’m, like, the cool uncle or something. It’s complicated.”
“STOP UNDERREACTING LIKE THAT!” Twilight screamed, her voice reaching levels that made the windows tremble. “I WILL NOT ALLOW GETTING A DRAGON IN THE FAMILY! IT’S JUST… I DON’T KNOW. IT’S IMMORAL OR SOMETHING!”
“Okay, this conversation just went into offensive territory,” Spike said, getting up. “If you need me, I’ll be drowning my sorrows in three and a half liters of ice cream.”
“Ah, do you mind bringing me more tea, now that you’re going to the kitchen?” Rarity asked, finally putting her newspaper down. “Please, be a dear.”
“Of course!”
“CAN SOMEPONY PLEASE GIVE ME A LITTLE ATTENTION?!”
“Sure,” Spike said, turning back from the kitchen with a cup of tea and a glass of wine. “Here.”
“Thanks, Spikey.”
“And you, Twilight, drink that.” Spike handed her the red wine. “It will help you calm down.”
“What’s the big deal anyway?” Rarity said. “I mean, think about it: two dragons, two unicorns, two alicorns. Your family is symmetrical. Could be worse, if you asked me.”
“RARITY, A GIANT, WINGED BRINGER OF DEATH IS GOING TO JOIN MY SUMMER FAMILY PICNICS FROM NOW ON! CAN YOU PLEASE—”
Rarity would never know what Twilight was asking her to do, as she was interrupted by a burp from Spike, a green magical flame, and a small note appearing from it and slowly falling on the table.
After a second of silence, the three of them read it.
Dear Twilight,
By the way, Frackle’s getting your old room. I hope you don’t mind!
Love,
Dad
“Huh,” Rarity said, and then she took another sip of wine. “Well, that’s surely…” She blinked. “Twilight? Are you trembling? And why are your eyes getting all white?”
“Shining! Come back here right now!”
“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—”
“SHINING!”
“—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—”
“Oh, for my aunt’s mane, how can you be so fast if you had never flown?!”
Princess Cadance was having a very hard time trying to catch her husband, which was a pretty impressive thing when one had in mind that Shining Armor hadn’t stopped flying for three days and Cadance had only started pursuing him five hours ago. At least finding him wasn’t hard—one just had to follow the girly screams.
“Come back here or you are going to regret it, Shining!” she screamed again, but her husband didn’t stop. Cadance couldn’t help but grid her teeth in frustration. She wasn’t sure if Shining Armor wasn’t listening to her or if he was just too taken away by the child-like wonder of flying for the first time to listen to her screams.
“Which, actually,” she muttered to herself as she pursued him, “is pretty cute. Still, come BACK OR SO HELP ME, SHINING!”
Her screams were interrupted by a sudden spark which quickly turned into a blinding light, as from some point in the west something exploded in a burst of white and purple. Both Cadance and Shining Armor stopped immediately, and less than a couple seconds later, the sound came.
BOOM!
There was a gust of wind that pushed both alicorns a couple meters away, and then a mushroom-shaped cloud rose, many miles away.
Then, as Shining Armor was still flying on the same spot, Cadance approached him. Neither of them stopped looking at the giant mushroom cloud.
“So,” she finally said. “Is it me, or is Ponyville in that general direction?”
When Shining Armor and Cadence finally made it to the castle, they discovered that Night Light and Twilight Velvet were already there. As there were still no Guards, though, the only other ponies in the room were Celestia and Luna.
“Oh, hey, an alicorn reunion!” Night Light said after seeing his son and daughter-in-law entering through the window. Shining Armor was carrying a semi-unconscious Twilight in his arms. “Nice wings, son!”
“Thanks, dad!”
“You were ready to welcome us?” Cadence asked, turning to her aunts. “Wow. News travels fast, huh?”
“Twilight? Oh, dear, what has happened?” Velvet ran to her daughter and caressed her mane. Twilight sat on the floor, unable to remain still. Her eyes were glassy. “Twilight?”
Celestia stood there, blinking for a while, till she shook her head and sighed. “Oh, dear,” she muttered. “Okay, may I ask why my star student is unconscious and why you two are here?”
“What?” Cadence frowned at her aunt. “Are you telling me you don’t know? Then why were you four reunited in here?”
“They want to adopt Frackle,” Luna explained, pointing at Night Light and Velvet. “Twilight Velvet was wondering about the legal issues, and both figured asking us about it would be the smartest option.”
Silence.
Cadance squinted. “They want to adopt the dragon?”
“We also think it’s a little… unorthodox, to say the least.”
Velvet raised an eyebrow. “His idea, not mine. I’m just here for the chocolate.”
“What?”
“A new brother?! Yaaaaaay!” Shining Armor clapped his hooves. “This is going to be so much fun!”
“I know, right?” Night Light smiled at his son. “And you can go fly with him if you want, now that you’re an alicorn!”
“Yeah! I can…” Shining stopped clapping and frowned. “I can go fly with him, but… Hmm.” His words died in his mouth as he looked at the floor and scratched his chin. “Hmmm…”
“Okay. So.” Celestia pointed at Twilight, who had fallen asleep. “What exactly happened, and why do I get the feeling it’s not a good thing?”
“Hmm.” Cadence looked at her sister-in-law, then back at Celestia. “Long story short? Twilight accidentally exploded Ponyville.”
Silence.
More silence.
“…I’m going to ask you to repeat that,” Celestia said, scratching her temples, “in the hopes that I’m suffering some kind of auditive hallucination.”
“Twilight accidentally exploded Ponyville. She actually told us so before getting all dozy. I guess she used all her magic.”
Silence.
“Well,” Luna said, “that was unexpected.”
“There have been no victims, as far as Shining and I have seen,” Cadance said. “It was a magical explosion, so everything just turned into pines. Coniferous things as far as the eye can see.”
Celestia sat down on the floor. “Oh, for crying out loud…!”
“Except for Fluttershy’s porcupines,” Cadance added. “Surprisingly, they just turned a little green and got melancholic.”
Thunk.
Cadance blinked. “Uh…”
Thunk. Thunk. Thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk…
“...Aunt Celestia? Why are you banging your head against the wall?”
“Hey, she’s had a hard week,” Luna said, looking at her sister with sympathy. “And believe me: it’s either this or setting the whole kingdom on fire, and we already have a dragon in Canterlot in case we need that.”
THUNK! THUNK! THUNK, THUNK, THUNK, THUNK!
“Uh.” Luna blinked. “I shouldn’t have mentioned the dragon.”
“That’s it!” Shining yelled all of a sudden, clapping once more. “Princess Luna, if you allow my parents to adopt Frackle, can you take my wings away?”
“What?”
“What?”
“What?!”
THUNK—“What?”
Night Light didn’t say a word. He just smiled.
“You see, I can’t have them,” Shining said. “Spike likes to sleep during our family picnics, and with both me, Twilight, and Frackle flying, mom and dad will feel alone on the ground! Right, dad?” He turned to Night Light. “Right?”
“Hmm. Quite a sacrifice you do for your old folks, son,” Night Light said, patting Shining’s head. “I’m proud of you!”
“Thanks!”
“Now,” Night Light said, clapping his hooves, “with Shining Armor renouncing to his wings and returning the balance to the world, we would have one less problem to care about, right?”
Every mare in the room looked at him with a mixture of a frown and a baffled expression. Well, all of them except for Twilight Velvet. She just shook her head, still caressing her daughter’s mane.
“I’m a problem when I have wings?” Shining asked.
“Too many feathers in our bed, darling.”
“Oh.”
“Now we just need to bring all those pines and pining hedgehogs here so we can turn them back to normal, seeing how Twilight can’t do anything.” He smiled. “My, we’ll need something really big to carry them here, right? And seeing how Canterlot is on a mountain, that big thing will better be able to fly.”
Silence.
“And we also need to get the Guards out of that cave,” Night Light continued. “Now, son?”
“Yeah?”
“You know more about magical barriers than anypony in Equestria, right?
Shining Armor grinned. “Yeah!”
“What’s the only thing that can go through that barrier?”
The prince bit his lip. “Without the caster’s permission? Only dragonfire.”
“Hmm. I see.” Night Light nodded. “So, let me go through it all again: we need something big, something flying, and something which can breathe enough dragonfire to get the Guards out of that cave. And, as a bonus, Shining Armor renounces to his wings.” He smiled. “So, just to be sure, I’ll ask you again, Princesses: can we adopt Frackle, or is it too unorthodox to work?”
As Night Light and Twilight Velvet walked back to her house, her carrying the adoption papers and him carrying the sleeping Twilight on his back, Velvet sighed.
“You know, I’m actually curious. How much of this was planned from the beginning, and how much was just dumb luck?”
“Twilight can’t be the only one who sends letters every time she wants, right?”
“You know we don’t need to adopt Frackle to do that, right?
“Yeah. But dragons are awesome.”
Author's Note
Betcha you weren't expecting this!
Now things are finally wrapped up and we can all go to sleep.
