Pinkie Pie's Toothache (of Destiny)

by Digibrony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 3155

Pinkie Pie's plaque prompts an impromptu pilgrimage across Equestria.

When Rarity notices the sorry state of Pinkie Pie's teeth, she drags the pink pony kicking and screaming to see a dentist. During the check-up, a shocking discovery is made: Pinkie has developed an unstoppable culture of plaque that threatens to take her life! The only known cure is a legendary element spoken of in the ancient diary of an early pony dentist. So begins an adventure in search of the element needed to save Pinkie's life!

Published 2012-03-22 00:04:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-24 08:27:53 UTC

Colgate I's Journal

Chapter 2: Colgate I's Journal

Rarity, Pinkie, and Twilight had shared a cabin on the Friendship Express many times during their journeys across Equestria; Dr. Colgate, meanwhile, was excited, having never boarded the nation's most essential expressway. Her tail swung back and forth with glee as she stared out the window, mouth agape in astonishment at the large ponymobile's ludicrous land speed.

"I sure wish we could've brought the others along," Pinkie said, admiring Dr. Colgate's awestruck appearance. "Raibow Dash really relishes riding railways. And Flutteshy finds them fun, too. How come we didn't invite them?"

"Because," Twilight answered, "if we're lucky, finding Colgatium may not be too difficult. I don't want to worry the others and take them away from their jobs unless we have to. That's what you were thinking, right, Rarity?"

"Precisely."

"Ooooh. That's smart thinkin'!"

As Pinkie continued observing Dr. Colgate, she noticed that the dentist was swishing something around in her mouth, and that her horn was glowing. A moment later, Dr. Colgate's mouth opened, and out from it floated a thin brush strip. Sensing that she was being observed, the dentist turned her attention to Pinkie Pie.

"I know your disease can't be beaten by brushing, but you should at least give it a try. It might pause the plaque's progress."

"Okie dokie! But, how can I brush my teeth on a train? I didn't bring an earth pony toothbrush on account of me not having one and all."

"From what I understand, most trains give complimentary toothbrushes. Did you check under your pillow?"

"I didn't, but," Pinkie began as she trotted towards her bunk for a look, "I think I'd notice if I was sleeping on top of a gigantic metal doohickey."

Pinkie lifted her pillow and was surprised to find that there was indeed a toothbrush underneath, albeit one much smaller than what she'd seen in Dr. Colgate's office. The brush itself was alike, but the clamp was plastic and only the size of a clothespin.

"As you can see, the newer earth pony toothbrushes are much more sleek. Mine at the office is kind of old. I swear, those things get smaller every year."

Pinkie took the brush, along with a small tube of complimentary toothpaste which lay next to it, up in her teeth. As she did, a sudden sharp pain shot through her mangled maw.

"Ouch!" She shouted, dropping the dental care products. "What the hay?! This has never happened before! All my toothsies hurt the second I bit down!"

Her friends looked on in worry as Dr. Colgate offered an explanation.

"It could be that The Plaque Death has just begun to reach its peak of power. This is a precarious predicament... lucky that you came to me just before reaching the precipice of peril."

"Should she still try to brush her teeth?" Rarity asked.

"She certainly can't do it by herself anymore—but that's where I come in. Pinkie, please lie down and open up."

Now facing the effects of her efficacious affliction, Pinkie was far less resistant than she'd been at the office. She calmly laid on her bunk and opened her mouth wide.

"I had a feeling the plaque would progress to this point, so I packed a painkilling paste. Upon application, there may be some pain, but it will pass rapidly, and soon pacify your paroxysm."

"Paroxysm?"

"...pain."

"Oh. Okay!"

Dr. Colgate squeezed some purple paste from a tiny tube and gently applied it to Pinkie's teeth. Pinkie winced as a stinging sensation spread through her mouth, but it quickly subsided.

"You shouldn't eat or drink anything for about forty-five minutes while the paste takes effect."

"Can do, captain!" Pinkie said, rising from the bunk.

"Look, everypony!" Twilight said with a smile, pointing her hoof at the window. Everypony looked—outside, Canterlot was growing larger by the second, until it was too close to see in full. Minutes later, the Friendship Express slowed to a stop and its passengers disembarked en masse.

The beautiful city of Canterlot was always a sight to behold, but there was no time for a tour. Twilight led the company in a swift gallop up-town to a large tower west of Princess Celestia's castle. The ponies guarding the entrance saw Twilight's rapid approach and, sensing the emergency, immediately raised the tower's front gate. Twilight thanked them as she rushed by, the others close behind.

"Records of medical history are kept on the fourth floor," Twilight informed the team as she led them up flights of spiraling stairs. The quick-hooved ponies cantered to a clop as they reached their destination.

"Alright, girls. We're looking for the journal of Colgate I. Now, where could it be?" Twilight asked as her eyes darted between multitudinous bookshelves.

"Found it!" Pinkie announced, seeming to warp space with her speed as she retrieved the dusty old journal.

"Wha... how?" Twilight was dumbfounded.

"Duh—it was under C for Colgate. Geez Twilight, you aren't very good at finding books for a librarian."

"I am not a librarian." Twilight said.

Dr. Colgate raised an eyebrow at Rarity, who simply shrugged.

"Anyway, let's check out what this book has to say," Twilight said, gravitating the book over to a table and opening it up. It quickly became apparent that the book wasn't in the best condition.

"Hmm. A number of pages seem to be missing, and a lot of the text is runny. But don't worry, I've dealt with far worse while decoding Starswirl the Bearded's magical records. Just give me a minute to sort out the info."

"FYI," Rarity whispered into Dr. Colgate's ear, "when Twilight says 'a minute' she really means 'an hour or two.' We should do something else while we're waiting."

"That's fine, I'll check out one of these other books by my great-great-great grandmother. It's not every day I get such an opportunity to read such historical texts!"

"Well, I'll be heading out for a bit. It also isn't every day that I get to spend in the high-class society of Canterlot!"

"I wanna come too!" Pinkie beamed.

"No, Pinkie," Dr. Colgate said. "You should stay here with me. I need to keep your teeth under constant observation."

"I'll leave her in your hooves, then," Rarity said, relieved that Pinkie wouldn't be tagging along to throw off her sophisticated groove.

For an hour and a half, Twilight and Dr. Colgate read the works of Colgate I, while Pinkie Pie introduced herself to every guard pony in the tower, then to all within a two-hundred yard radius of said tower. She returned just in time, as Twilight had finished reading the dusty old journal.

"Alright, girls," Twilight began, closing the book and turning to face her friends. "What I've gathered is that... where's Rarity?"

"Oh! She's probably at the bignormous garden party shindig happening down in the second castle garden," Pinkie said.

"How did you know there's a party going on?" Twilight asked.

"Oh, I know about ALL the parties happening in Canterlot tonight. I just guessed that one because it's the biggest fancy pants party, and it's going on right now."

"...I'll take your word for it. Anyway, where was I? Right. Colgate I made a big cross-Equestrian journey by hoof two hundred years ago, before trains had even been invented. She made notes about everywhere she went along the way, and at some point on her trip, she discovered the mineral Colgatium."

"At some point...?" Dr. Colgate asked.

"Indeed. The point at which Colgate I discovered Colgatium appears to have been among the lost pages. Her journal is full of notations about various minerals that she tested with along the way, but Colgatium isn't mentioned by name until the end of her journey, when she talks about being knighted in Canterlot."

"That doesn't leave us with much of a lead," Dr. Colgate said.

"It may not, but at least I know where to start. Canterlot has the most advanced medical facilities in all of Equestria. We start by asking around at each facility to see if they still have a supply of Colgatium."

"And if they don't?" Pinkie asked.

"Then we'll have to do this the hard way. We'll go to every location in Colgate I's journal and trace her hoofsteps, until we find the place where she discovered Colgatium."

For the next six hours, the group galloped about Canterlot, going from facility to facility, inquiring about Colgatium. Most of the professionals whom they spoke to had never even heard of it, while others informed them that the element hadn't been necessary in dentistry for as long as they could remember.

"I remember the day we threw out our last Colgatium stores," a geriatric green unicorn working at Canterlot General Dentistry told the group. "No one on the staff had ever seen it being used, and we were pressed to make room in storage for other materials. I'm ashamed to say it, but to avoid taxes on dumping the mineral somewhere, we simply had it oxidized. I truly wish I could tell you where to find it, but our stock had been around since long before I was even born."

"Well, girls," Twilight Sparkle began as the group trotted from the dental hospital into the street. "It looks like this is going to become an adventure."

"Yipee! Honestly, I was kinda hoping we'd get to go on an adventure—I mean, obviously I wanna help my toothsies and get them all back to normal, but the idea of going on a big huge journey across Equestria with all of my friends also sounded really fun, and I really, really like fun things more than anything, so I hoped that maybe we'd get to—"

"PINKIE!" Twilight shouted.

"Yes Twilight?"

"Go and gather Rarity and meet us at the train station. I've got one more pony I'd like to see about this mysterious element before we head back to Ponyville."

"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie quickly saluted and then sped off.

"Who are we going to see?" Dr. Colgate asked.

"The Princess."

Minutes later, Twilight had requested an emergency audience with the princess, and, along with her companion, was invited to the royal throne room. Twilight and Dr. Colgate took a bow as they came into view of their magnificent princess.

"Twilight Sparkle, my most faithful student. I have heard that you are in the midst of an emergency. What is the trouble?"

"Princess Celestia, I am in search of an element known as Colgatium. It was discovered by Colgate I over two hundred years ago, and now, no one in Canterlot knows where to find it—but I need it to save my friend Pinkie Pie's life! I was hoping that maybe you would know something about it."

"Colgatium, you say. Yes, I remember the Plaque Death outbreak quite well. It was a very trying time for Equestria, and were it not for the valiant efforts of Colgate I, it would have been more trying still. Unfortunately, I do not know the location of the Colgatium mine which was set up two hundred years ago. But I do know this: The Plaque Death was stopped in its tracks in a matter of mere weeks, and no other use for Colgatium was ever found. The Colgatium mine was shut down immediately. In other words, wherever that element was discovered, there should still be a great wealth of it to be found."

"Thank you very much, princess," Twilight said with a bow.

"Good luck on your journey. When you return, report the location of the element to me, so that I can be sure that we always have stock of it on-hand in the future."

"I will do so, princess."

With that, the pair of mares left the castle and hurried to the train station, where they found Pinkie Pie and Rarity waiting. Rarity was covered in cake from top to bottom.

"What in Equestria happened to you?" Twilight asked.

"Pinkie Pie." Rarity replied through gritted teeth.

"I offered to lick it all off of her lickety-split like I did to clean myself, but nooooo, Rarity said it was 'un-couth' and that she'd take a shower once we got on the train."

"Well, if everypony's ready, then let's head back to Ponyville. We've got a lot of preparations to make; for tomorrow, our adventure begins!"

~Colgate I's Journal, end~

(Next chapter: Rainbow Dash Brushes With Death)

The Plaque Death

Pinkie Pie's Toothache (of Destiny)
by Conrad "Digibrony" Collins

Chapter One: The Plaque Death

"Sweet Celestia, Pinkie Pie! What in Equestria is wrong with your teeth?!"

Rarity shoved her head into Pinkie's mouth, terrified by the state of affairs therein. Pinkie's canines were cavernous with cavities; her gumline a garrison of grime; her molars a morass of mildew.

"What're you talking about, Rarity? My teeth have always looked like this!"

"How can this be?! How could I never have noticed?! No-no-no-no-no, this simply will NOT do. Pinkie Pie, I am taking you to the dentist immediately!"

"Who-ho-ho there, Rarity! Nopony's coming near my precious little toothsies with some big crazy drill!"

"Well, we will just have to see about that, now won't we?"

Rarity's horn lit up, and with a flash of light, she teleported herself and Pinkie Pie into the lobby of one Dr. Colgate's office.

"Hah! Good thing I borrowed Twilight's book on teleportation spells the other day."

Pinkie shot to her hooves and bolted for the door.

"I won't go back there! You can't make me!!!"

Rarity captured Pinkie in a cloud of magic and held her just above the ground as a blue unicorn stepped into the lobby from a back room.

"Hi Rarity!" Dr. Colgate said. "What brings you here today? Isn't your next check-up a couple of months away?"

"Doctor, we have an emergency on our hands! My friend Pinkie Pie has probably never been to a dentist in her life, and now she suffers from devastating dental decay!"

"That is an emergency! Bring her into the back room straight away."

Rarity gravitated Pinkie into the back room and sat her down on a mechanical dentistry chair.

"You can't hold me forever, Rarity!"

"Hush up and settle down or so help me, I will strap you to that chair so tight it will leave bruises!"

Pinkie begrudgingly calmed and laid down, striking a menacing glare at her friend. Rarity returned the glare with equal ferocity. Dr. Colgate strapped on a mask and stood over the pink pony.

"Now, if you'll just open up, I'll have a look at what you've got going on in there."

Pinkie didn't move a muscle. Rarity remedied this with a swift hoof to Pinkie's gut, which caused her to gasp in pain. The moment Pinkie's mouth opened, Rarity magically shoved a rubber stopper into it.

"That'll do," Dr. Colgate said, and took a look inside Pinkie's mouth.

"By Celestia's mane! Did a bomb go off in here?!"

"Doctor, she eats nothing but sweets day in and day out, and I'll bet she never ever brushes her teeth!"

"Hough doogh hou-nieh hruh heir teeh?" Pinkie garbled. Rarity removed the stopper from her mouth.

"What was that, dear?"

"I saiiid, how do ponies brush their teeth? I've seen unicorns using magical toothbrushes, but how are us earth ponies supposed to do that?!"

Rarity and Dr. Colgate exchanged surprised glances before the former responded.

"You mean you've never seen an earth pony toothbrush before?"

"Duh, I just said that!"

"I have one right over there," Dr. Colgate said, pointing with her hoof. Attached to a sink on the wall was a metallic mechanism—a large, sturdy clamp with a crescent-shaped brush on its front.

"Huh. I guess my family didn't have one, since we lived on a rock farm and all."

"Now, if you'll please open up again, I'd like to assess your dental situation further."

Pinkie begrudgingly opened her mouth, not wanting to chew rubber a second time.

"For the love of Luna... this is like nothing I've ever seen before. In all my years of dentistry, I've never come across such potently putrid plaque!"

"What does this mean, doctor?" Rarity asked, distressed.

"I don't know. But I know where I can find out. Excuse me for a moment."

Dr. Colgate disappeared into another room, returning shortly with an enormous book. (How anypony besides a unicorn could carry such a thing would be a mystery.) Dr. Colgate placed the book on a shelf beside the operating chair.

"This is the Plaquronomicon—the life's work of three generations of the Colgate family. Every form of disease known to dentistry is listed and detailed in this book. Give me about half an hour, and I'll find out just what's going on in that mysterious mouth of yours."

"What should we do until then?" Rarity asked.

"Oh! Oh! Let's go make cupcakes!"

"Haven't you learned your lesson today about eating too many sweets?! We'll stay put and wait here. After all, I wouldn't want to risk giving Pinkie the chance to escape."

Pinkie stuck her tongue out at Rarity, who returned the favor. The ensuing conversation of ridiculous facial expressions continued until Dr. Colgate spoke again.

"Bad news, girls."

Rarity and Pinkie shot to attention.

"I've learned the identity of Pinkie's puzzling plaque... it's... The Plaque Death!!!"

In unison, Dr. Colgate's audience shared a startled gasp, and then asked, "what's that?!"

"The Plaque Death. Not seen in nearly two-hundred years, it was the deadliest form of plaque known to pony kind! It prompted the very creation of earth pony toothbrushes, since most of the ponies who contracted it, like Pinkie here, had never brushed their teeth before. To make matters worse, the disease can't be destroyed through ordinary dentistry."

"Then what do we do?!" Pinkie begged anxiously.

"According to the writings of my great-great-great grandmother, Colgate I, the only cure for The Plaque Death is a mysterious element which she named Colgatium. But there hasn't been a report of Colgatium being used in dentistry for over a century! I have no idea where the element can be found—IF it can be found."

"Of course it can be found!" Rarity interjected. "We'll scour all of Equestria if we have to. Pinkie's life could be at stake!"

Pinkie felt nervous hearing her possible fate stated so bluntly.

"I have just one lead. In the Canterlot history archives, we should be able to find Colgate I's travelogue. If we can find out where she discovered Colgatium, then we may be able to go and mine it for ourselves."

"Now that sounds like a plan! Pinkie, go and purchase four expressway tickets to Canterlot!"

"Okie Dokie Lokie!" Pinkie gave a salute and dashed off to buy the tickets.

"Who is the fourth ticket for?" Dr. Colgate asked.

"It is for the best librarian in all of Ponyville. Come along—let us locate Twilight Sparkle!"

~The Plaque Death, end~

(next chapter: Colgate I's Journal)