Princess Celestia Has Gonorrhea
With the Day Court having wrapped up with the last of the petitioners, Princess Celestia made her way up to her bed chambers in an effort to unwind after the events of the day. Another "crisis" in Ponyville, this time due to an infestation of owl bears. The pesky creatures had been camping in the various attics around the village, keeping its citizens up late with echos of growling hoots through their homes. In Manehatten, the homeless roamed the streets in growing numbers as they begged to various passersby in a low droning monotone for change. In the Crystal Empire, a group of renegade changelings were lined up outside the Crystal Palace with a picket line demanding equal rights for living in a place where love was overflowing like water. It was one of those days.
Celestia walked up to the two guards standing by her bedroom, giving the two gentlestallions a friendly nod, which they gave a slight bow in return. Opening her door with her magic, she went inside and shut the door behind her before she finally stretched like a cat in a manner undignified for a princess. She went over to her favorite pillow in front of the fireplace and plopped down on it. Her hooves reached up to massage her temples.
"This has been the weirdest day so far." Which was saying something in her near several millenniums of living. That included the best forgotten Green Tea War of 134 A.B (After Banishment). Celestia magicked over a pot of warm Oolong tea along with a tea cup and saucer. She didn't care if that gryphon king was incensed at the time, Oolong was better than Green tea. "At least it's over. This day just can't get any worse."
As fate itself gave a smirk at the words uttered from the solar princess, there was a knock on the door. Celestia immediately lowered the cup and raised her head to look presentable with her vintage motherly smile. "Enter."
The door opened to reveal a magenta colored, pegasus stallion with a tied up green mane. Fine Heart, Dr. Fine to his colleagues and one of the senior residents to the palace infirmary, shuffled into the room and closed the door behind himself. The pegasus was obviously nervous, which was par for the course with the immortal goddess. Fine still had his white lab coat on with his embroidered name and a pair of saddle bags over his back. He stopped to adjust his glasses a dozen feet away from Celestia and tried to give her a welcoming smile, which came off as good as one Twilight's when she had one of her 'episodes'.
"G-Greetings, Your Highness."
"Good evening to you as well, Fine Heart."
Fine Heart turned his head to rustle a clipboard from his saddle bags, holding it up in his hoof while using his wing feathers to flip the pages over.
"I, uh," Fine stuttered at first, "I have to thank you so much for donating some of your blood to be studied for the betterment of science. It was an honor to look at it and study your cells. It looks like an ordinary pony's at first, but the differences are remarkable and there are things that even I'm unsure of what they are. Dr. Howard and I have been pouring over every last test we've been conducting and I'd like to share some results with you."
Dr. Fine was excited at what he had. It wasn't every day a mysterious ancient immortal being gave their blood to be examined, especially one who was a very close species to your own. He was probably a little over zealous about his work since the amount of blood he had taken could be measured in liters instead of pints. It made Celestia a little dizzy afterwards.
A warm smile greeted him when he looked up from the clipboard. "I'm glad I could help you. Is there anything significant you want to tell me about your findings?"
Dr. Fine's eyes shifted away as he pretended to be busy with the papers. "Well, Princess Celestia... There's a lot. I mean, first your white blood cell count is very high for a pony your size. I'm not sure if that can be considered normal, since I'd have to test the other Princesses, but it does correlate that you hardly or ever get sick."
Celestia nodded patiently, taking this moment to pour herself a cup of tea while he continued rambling off interesting factoids for a bit. She wasn't up to snuff on her medical knowledge like he was, but at least the results were good.
He suddenly stopped, reaching up to adjust his glasses in a nervous gesture. "And um, Princess, if you don't mind me asking, and this is in the strictest confidence of as a medical professional. Have you uh... experienced anything weird? Like uhh.. oh boy.. Vaginal discharge?"
Celestia had stopped the cup of tea that was raised to her lips, blinking for a moment as she stared at the stallion. Lowering the cup, she shook her head. "No. I haven't experienced anything like that. Why? Is it bad?"
"Nonono!" His hoof waved around in a frantic state. "I mean, it's not, totally serious. Just uh.. you might have a slight illness that is totally curable with some drugs"
Celestia gave a slow nod, before raising the cup of tea to her lips to have some warm delicious Oolong tea.
"Uhh, you've got gonorrhea."
And the delicious tea was immediately on her dresser.
Celestia gagged and coughed for a moment as she tried to clear her wind pipe of the herbal juice.
"What?!? Gonorrhea?!?!"
The two stallion guards outside flicked their ears and turned their heads to look at each other in confusion, before going back to their stoic pose. It was best never to question some things.
Doctor Fine's hooves were in his ears, wincing from having accidentally been exposed to the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice from a close proximity. He rubbed his ears as a high pitched ringing sound echoed from within his ear drums, before training them on Celestia.
The Princess was stunned. She didn't know too much about modern medical practices and how much they had advanced within the past twenty to fifty years, but she did know what that one ancient word was.
Her jaw tried to work as she found herself speechless for the first time decades. Dr. Fine waited patiently, hoping he wasn't turned into cinder from a solar flare, sent to Tartarus, or be sent to the moon.
"I uh, wha... how?"
Swallowing hard, Dr. Fine blushed slightly as he tried to say the next thing. The last of his foalhood died after he found out that the virgin, wise, all-knowing god he was employed in had something irresponsible young ponies got after a night of lallygagging. He read the results himself, tested and retested the samples till he was sure there was no way he was wrong,
"Umm, have you been having," a cough, "intimate relations with a stallion.. or mare, recently?"
Celestia shook her head. When was the last time she had sex? Did she ever have sex? It was.. wait.. It was starting to come back to her.
~~~~~~~~~~
527 B.B.
(Before Banishment)
Celestia downed her sixth bottle of Moon Shine. One of Luna's private brew she kept in one of the hidden rooms in the Everfree Palace. She slammed the ceramic jug on the wooden table, smashing the bottle into thick pieces with her abnormal strength. She was flushed with drink as her pink mane bounced around her face, beaming with a wide grin as she raised her hooves and let loose The Voice.
"Tonight! The minotaurs be swimming within the dredges of Cerberus's night soil!"
The dinner hall erupted with cheers. Weary soldiers, out of their heavy metal armor, whistled and raised their own mugs in victory. The battle was a territory dispute that had snowballed into a full scale war between the equines and minotaurs.
While the newly crowned Princesses didn't have the full magic might they would later have, several hundred years of life made their minds sharp, if a little reckless with their new found might.
Lots of ponies were out drinking. Singing and dancing was heard among the earth ponies and pegasi while the unicorns played their wood wind instruments. Plenty of food was prepared from their victory among her subjects. Mushrooms, apples, cranberries, and even these wonderful things from the southern minotaur tribes called banana's.
Everypony was having a wonderful time as the evening wore on. Celestia would soon find herself in the company of some very cute stallions. She let them rub up against her flanks with her new sun mark. Nibbling a stallions ear. Having one lick her neck.
Her wings would enfold two as she took them towards her bed chamber. It was wild, hot, and passionate up until she had to raise the sun.
~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Fine bit his lip while he waited for Celestia to speak again and about when she could begin her treatment. She would have to make an appointment to discretely come down to the medical ward in the castle so he can jab a painfully large needle deep into her flank. It would be the first part of the treatment.
Celestia's head was buried in her hooves, groaning as she felt a headache start flaring up. Meanwhile, Fate was cackling like a mad pony that had just seen the final layer or Tartarus and the Void beyond. It was too priceless to have something come back and bite her in the flank for being a brat all those years ago.
"Ugh, fuck me."
"I would highly advise against that."
Author's Note
Why the hell did I write this?
This felt really short for something that took a while to write. First story published here, first story written in over a decade, and written on the fly. Criticize to your hearts contents. I'm awful at grammer and spelling.
Inspired from a sizable riff comment in How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide.
More You Know moment: The WHO estimates that 62 million cases of gonorrhea occur each year. Please be responsible.
