To Woo a Princess

by The Abyss

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Discord
Length: 3397

Discord has always had a thing for Princess Twilight. Unable to resist Twilight's bookish charm, he tries to woo her but she won't have any of it.

Discord has always had a thing for Princess Twilight. Unable to resist Twilight's bookish charm, he tries to woo her but she won't have any of it.

Edited by Draconian Soul

Published 2014-02-02 06:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-12 19:53:36 UTC

This has to Work

“But Twilight,” Discord whined, laying next to her. “Why not? I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t go on a date!”

They were inside the library, having just returned from seeing Princess Cadence off at the train station. Even though he had tried his hardest, he had been unable to make Twilight laugh throughout his stay, much less make her like him. He’d done all sorts of goofy things, but she had never even cracked a true smile at him.

“We’re perfect for each other! Just look at us: you have your alicorny powers, and I’m the god of chaos! What’s there not to like?” He sat down in front of her, putting his best charming smile to work. “We’d be unstoppable!”

“Ugh! No, Discord, I do NOT want to go out with you! What makes you even think that I would want to?”

“Well, my little Twilight, it’s just that I get quite lonely nowadays. Out of everypony here, you always see through my ruses; no one has been able to do that before. Well, scratch that. Celestia and Luna were the only ones besides you that saw my acts for what they were: desperate acts for attention! Besides, do you see any other draconequi around? I sure don’t, so that leaves me with only one option: to look for love elsewhere.”

“But why me?” Twilight groaned. She had dragged him all across Equestria with Cadence all to just get one stupid flower to make him feel better. Turns out it had all been for naught, as Discord had gotten infected with some mysterious disease as soon as they were about to leave. And to top it all off, he’d demanded that he be flown back to Ponyville on his massive golden chariot. Thoroughly exhausted, she had seen Cadence off and went back home, hoping to get some shut-eye. Apparently, with Discord’s incessant pestering, that wasn’t going to happen.

“Because you’re you! You’re powerful, probably even more powerful than Celestia, and you’re witty; I like that!”

“But we aren’t even the same species!” Twilight exclaimed, getting in Discord’s face.

“Since when has that stopped Spike from vying for Rarity’s heart?”

“I… I don’t– Wait, why are we talking about Spike? Leave him out of this!”

“Alrighty then, but would you at least give me a chance?” Discord asked. He made his irises form beating hearts and clasped his hands together, holding them up. “Please?”

“No! Stop pestering me!” Twilight exclaimed, stomping the floor for emphasis.

“Fine.” Discord let his shoulders slump in defeat. Putting on a sad face, he asked, “Can you at least truthfully answer me this, my princess?”

“Ugh…” Twilight knew she was going to regret her decision. “Fine, what is it?” she groaned, making her way towards the couch. She cast a germ-killing spell on it and lay down, making herself as comfortable as she could.

“What do you look for in a potential date? And if I find somepony that fits your exact specifications, would you go out with them?”

“Alright, I’ll play your little game. If you just so happen to randomly come across a stallion with a light gray coat, a short and nicely trimmed black mane, and a white tail tied down so that only the end is loose, I would go out with him.” She paused as she took a breath, her mind racing to think of more absurd details. Hehe, there’s no way that he’s gonna find somepony like that...

“Is that all, my princess?” Discord asked hopefully. Wow, this might actually work out… Can she really not see what I’m doing? “I’m sure that there is somepony just like that out there!”

“Actually, no, that’s not it at all!” Twilight grinned slyly. “He has to have a cutie mark with eight arrows on it, all of them a different color. They all have to be connected by a small circle, just behind the arrowhead, and it has to be black!” Hmm… what else… Ah! I know! “He has to have yellow eyes with red pupils, wings with feathers that are black on the edges and white on the area near the stems, and…” she trailed off as she brought a hoof to her muzzle, trying to think of more absurd details.

“And... what, my little princess?” Discord settled down, surrounding the couch with his serpentine body. Cocking an eyebrow, he patiently waited for her to continue, letting a silly smile form on his face.

“Annnnd… He has to have a light blue horn exactly two point three eight times longer than mine. Not an alicorn, mind you, but a pegasus that was also born with a unicorn horn.” There’s absolutely no way that someone like that exists anywhere out there… Twilight thought with a slight chuckle. “Oh, and a few more things!” She grinned smugly as she saw Discord roll his eyes. “He has to be slightly taller than me, but not so tall that he towers over me. Heh, it would be kind of awkward having to stand on my two hind legs just to kiss him!” She giggled at the absurd idea. “Let’s see… Ah! He should have a really deep voice and a strong jaw.”

“You done yet?” Discord asked, cocking an eyebrow. He wasn’t sure if Twilight was messing around, but she was going to be in for a good surprise when she finished her mental checklist for her perfect stallion.

“Uhh… nope!” Twilight glanced up as she thought on. “He umm… He has to be… Well, yeah, I guess that’s it! Good luck finding him!” Chuckling to herself, she grabbed a pillow and flipped over, letting her head fall upon the cushion.

“So… let me make sure I understand this completely,” Discord started, rubbing his hands together gleefully. “If somepony just like you described suddenly appears in the library, you would go out on a date with him?”

“Exactly…” came Twilight’s soft reply. She was worn out from her expedition with Cadence and Discord, and she desperately wanted to get some sleep. She heard a pop come from behind her, but she paid it no heed. Sleep was quickly taking ahold of her, and she was more than happy to let it have her.

“Well, hello there, ma’am.” A deep voice suddenly sounded from behind her, shocking Twilight so much that she leapt up and over the couch, taking cover behind it. A few moments later, she peeked out over the top and found exactly what she was dreading. Gah! How could I have fallen for something so stupid?!

Discord had assumed the stallion that she had just finished describing. He was smiling smugly and he had one of his eyebrows raised. “So, my princess…” Discord said in his new, deeper voice. He slowly stalked to where she was standing. “Dost thou remember thy promise?” With a sudden flourish of his horn, a small shimmering image popped up out of nowhere, showing Twilight agreeing to his terms.

“So… where do you want to go for our first date?”

The First Date

“Are you serious?” Twilight asked in a dull tone. “You want to go where? And you want me to do what for you?” Her tone dripped with disdain.

“Oh, dear Twilight, I would love nothing more for our first date to be in the center of the Crystal Empire, just under the castle. Oh, and it would be absolutely wonderful if you could pull me in my golden chariot. We’d look so splendid; don’t you agree?”

“What makes you think I’d ever do that?”

“Because you just did,” Discord pointed out playfully. “You and your wonderful sister-in-law just flew me all across Equestria, and–”

“Listen, buster. You may have tricked me into going on a date with you, but I will not drag you around. Besides, if you really do have a legitimate interest in me, it wouldn’t be fitting having me pull you around like some common taxi. In fact, I think it’d be much more fitting if you dragged me around.” Twilight smirked.

“I see. Well, if you’d rather go on a simple date, that’s fine with me,” Discord said, chuckling as he saw Twilight roll her eyes. “We can stay here in Ponyville if you want. I’m sure all of your friends would just love to meet your new coltfriend.” He wagged his eyebrows at her, giving her a playful punch on the shoulder.

“You aren’t my coltfriend–”

“Yet,” Discord interjected playfully, a silly grin forming on his face.

“And my friends will not find out about our little arrangement.”

“Oh, I’m sure they will once they see us parading around! Just think; all of your friends and neighbors would be sooo jealous of my stunning good looks!”

“I– ugh…” Twilight moaned and shook her head. All of the back and forth banter was starting to give her a raging headache, and it took all of her strength not to snap. She ran a hoof over her face and suddenly realized something. She looked up and asked, “Hold on, aren’t you sick?” She hadn’t seen him cough or moan in a little while, making her think that he was faking it. She sure hoped he wasn’t, though, as it would give her the perfect way to escape this predicament.

“Oh, you mean all this?” Discord gestured at himself. He let the pale green color start to slip back ever so slightly, tinting his grey coat with multiple lighter colored freckles. “This was all just for fun, my dear Twilight.” Tapping his forehooves together, his coat flashed back to his usual gray color. “So anywho, let’s get back to my original question. Where would you like to go for our first date? Tea at a café, perhaps?”

“So, my princess, how is the tea?” Discord asked politely, raising his teacup up to take a sip. They were sitting at a small table at an outdoor café. “You haaave to try it; it is simply divine!” He gave his hoof a little twirl in the air for emphasis. He had chosen to remain in the form that Twilight had described, and the two of them had received many peculiar looks from passing townsponies as they had searched for a place to go eat. Much to Twilight’s displeasure, he had intentionally paraded them all over Ponyville, eventually settling on a small café just a block away from the library.

It felt as if he was showing her off to everypony, and Twilight didn’t like that at all. In fact, she had literally been a hair’s breadth away from teleporting away and leaving him standing in the middle of the road looking like a fool. She’d thought hard about it, but decided to bite the bit and deal with it. Besides, a deal was a deal, and if she was going to do something, she was going to do it right.

Looking up, she stared into Discord’s eyes, cocking an eyebrow. She looked down at the table and looked back up, giving her date a sour look when he gave a confused expression.

“What’s the matter, Twilight?” Discord asked worriedly, slightly lowering his teacup.

“Really?” Twilight asked bemusedly. “How do you not see the issue?” She gestured at her side of the table. Every time that Discord had gotten a new cup of tea, hers had somehow automatically turned into a literal letter “T”. Each one stood proud and tall on its own, as if they were all mocking her.

So far, the date had gone just as she had thought it would: horrible. Their waiter was absolutely terrified of serving them, and she wasn’t sure if it was because if they were serving an alicorn or the god of chaos. It also didn’t help that Discord had enchanted their napkins to flit about them, attacking anypony that came near, including their waiter.

Twilight looked inside the restaurant, spotting their waiter peeking around the corner. He was trembling, holding an empty platter up in front of him in a pathetic attempt to protect himself. She sighed and rolled her eyes, looking back at Discord. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, just like Cadence had taught her in dealing with situations such as these.

“Can we please let our waiter over to take our orders?” Twilight asked slowly, trying to keep her anger at bay. “I really don’t feel like shouting our order at him.” That wasn’t the only reason, though. The real reason why she didn’t want to yell was because she didn’t want to attract any more attention than was absolutely necessary.

“He can come over whenever he wants,” Discord calmly stated, finishing the last little bit of his tea. “He needs to; I need a refill…” Setting the fine piece of china down, he looked straight at the waiter and beckoned for him to come forward with a hoof.

Several seconds passed, making it seem as if he wasn’t going to emerge from his hiding spot. A moment later he cautiously crept forward, keeping the empty platter in place above his head. Hobbling forward on three hooves, he kept a wary eye on the flying napkins. He slinked forward, step by step until he was a table’s length away from them. Seeing that the napkins weren’t attacking him, he cautiously lowered the platter and set it on his back, grabbing a small notepad from his coat pocket.

“He– hello, sir, madam, what would you two, uhh…” he trailed off, gulping loudly. “What would you like to order today?”

“I’d like a simple salad with the dressing on the side. Also, can I get a glass of water?”

“Of course, my princess.” The waiter furiously scribbled her order down, turning to Discord a moment later. “And for you, sir?”

“I’d like a steak smothered in onions, french fries, and four bottles of your finest wine, please. Oh, and another cup of tea would be nice.” He tapped his forehooves together, making the teacup and its accompanying plate take to the air. He snuck a glance at Twilight and noticed that she was none too pleased with his little performance. His shoulders slumped slightly, but not so much that anypony would notice.

“Umm… steak, sir? I’m not sure we have that…” the waiter replied nervously. “And french fries? We have hay fries, will those do? As for the wine, we are a strictly non-alcoholic establishment.”

“Actually, I’ll just have what she’s having,” Discord said. “Now, leave us be.” He tapped his forehooves together twice, making the speed of the flying napkins increase until they were whizzing around his head, driving their waiter away.

“Discord, that was rude!” Twilight exclaimed in shock.

“Oh, he’ll be fine. But enough about him! You. You, Twilight, are simply amazing.”

“...What?” Twilight deadpanned.

“I must say, the first time I ever laid eyes upon you, it was as if I had found the source of beauty in the world. I feel myself privileged to bask in the ambience of such an intelligent and classy mare such as yourself.”

Classy, eh? I’ll show him classy! Twilight smiled as she listened to Discord go on and on about her. As he spewed out what obviously was a rehearsed speech, Twilight decided to act uncivil, hoping it would make Discord lose interest in her. She turned her attention back to him and nodded, acting as if she had been paying attention all the while. As Discord kept speaking, gesturing about in the air for emphasis, she raised her left hind leg and leaned over, giving her ear a really good scratching.

“Your bountiful curves remind me of…” Discord trailed off, noticing Twilight’s peculiar actions. She was scratching herself just like a dog would, and in public to boot! How uncivil… I like it! “Ahem. You need help there, my princess?” he asked smugly.

“Nah, I got it, just gimme another minute. This one’s a doozy,” Twilight replied, putting a bit more force into it. She glanced around, finally noticing that nearly everypony was watching her. A princess. Scratching herself like an unintelligent beast. In public. On a date with Discord.

“Uhh… hehe…” Twilight stammered, lowering her hind leg back to rest on the ground. “Sorry everypony, I’m not sure what came over me.” She glanced around at the café’s patrons, smiling sheepishly as they all started minding their own business again. Twilight sighed and relaxed slightly, but bolted upright when she heard a familiar voice yell indignantly.

“Twilight, what the hay are you doing with Discord?”

A Swift End

“What?” Twilight’s head darted around frantically. “Princess Celestia? Where are you?”

“Oh, I’m right here,” came Princess Celestia’s voice directly in front of her. Twilight’s head snapped up, only to find Discord with another one of his signature silly smiles on his face. “See?” he asked, speaking in Celestia’s voice. “I’m right in front of you!”

“Discord! That scared me! Why would you do that?” Twilight stomped her forehooves on the ground.

“I just wanted to see how you would react if your beloved princess or one of your friends found you on a date with me. Apparently, you’re too ashamed of going on a simple date with me…” His ears drooped and he let his head hang low, giving a pathetic sniffle for good measure. He cracked an eye open ever so slightly to gauge Twilight’s expression.

Twilight sat silently, staring at her ‘date,’ a term that she still used quite loosely. Discord was right, she did react in a negative way, and she could only wonder how that made him feel. A moment later, she saw a tear slowly slip out of his eye. Feeling a tad bit guilty, Twilight sighed and let her guard down.

“Listen, Discord…” Twilight trailed off nervously. Could Discord really be truly interested in me? As a… as a special someone? He’s never put so much effort into a prank before, so… Suddenly, Twilight realized that Discord might not be trying to trick her at all. She cast her gaze downward as she remembered what he said only an hour or so ago: Besides, do you see any other draconequi around? I sure don’t, so that leaves me with only one option: to look for love elsewhere… She looked back up into Discord’s eyes, an apologetic look upon her face.

“Are you… Do you really like like me?” Twilight asked, laying one of her hooves on one of Discord’s.

“Ever since I saw you for the first time, I felt some sort of special connection between us. You may not have felt it, but I sure did. Every time that I’m not around you, I’m in agony, wishing you were by my side. You’re the yin to my yang, and–”

“I’m the yin to your what?” Twilight asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Please, princess, let me finish.” Discord cleared his throat and gently grasped Twilight’s outstretched hoof. He looked into her eyes and continued, this time with more confidence. Maybe she’s finally falling for… “Ugh, now you made me lose my train of thought! And I had so many nice things to say about you, too…”

“It’s alright, and listen, please forgive me for not believing you at first. I mean, you are the spirit of chaos; I thought you were pulling some sort of prank on me, but now I see that it’s not the case.” She smiled and tightened her grip on Discord’s hoof. Maybe… just maybe I can give him a chance… “Is it alright if we, I don’t know… start over?”

“Wait, so let me get this straight, you do want to go out with me now?” Discord asked with an unsettling smile.

Twilight sat back, retracting her hoof from Discord’s grasp. “Well… um, yes.” She bit her lip and cast her gaze from side to side, looking anywhere but Discord. Taking a moment, she closed her eyes and took a few slow, steady breaths, just like Princess Cadence had taught her. Letting her nerves calm down, she took one last deep breath and looked back up, opening her eyes.

Before she could say anything, Discord shot across the table and pressed his forehead against hers. “Gotcha!” he exclaimed, and with a snap of his fingers, he was gone, leaving Twilight to pay their rather large tab.