//-------------------------------------------------------// The Huntsman -by SpecksTheRoyalArchiver- //-------------------------------------------------------// //-------------------------------------------------------// Chapter 1: From Hunter to Familiar. //-------------------------------------------------------// Chapter 1: From Hunter to Familiar. Jacob walked through the tall maze of sycamores never making a sound on a single leaf or twig, the wind was blowing towards him as the sun sent beams of light through the leaves of the trees creating a mosaic of light, off the morning dew. He was hunting in his home woods, the "Brightwood Forest", a twenty mile wide forest in the southern edge of the Wichita mountain range. Jacob Rivers was 26 years old, and stood at a flat 6 feet tall. He had short brown hair that was buzz cut about a centimeter long. His eyes were a deep hazel that often reminded people of hot chocolate. He dressed simply in faded blue jeans, a long-sleeved tan shirt with a black tight-fitting overcoat and brown leather boots. He had a smooth completion all in all save a few scratches from the woods and its denizens. "I can't believe that this thing has been living in my backyard all this time, Henry is going to be devestated if I don't find it before tonight", thought Jacob. "This thing has been killing his sheep for a month now." He began to think about his encounter with his "neighbor" that had taken place a week before. He had been called out to his ranch of Henry Aarons to inspect some dead livestock. He had just walked up to the gruesome scene, of over two dozen slain sheep, when he was approached by Henry who began to explain what he thought happened and what he wanted Jacob to do. "I think a pack of coyotes ran threw here and tore up my sheep, I lost almost 20% of my flock," explained the herdsman. "Any ideas on how to get rid of them?" The young hunter paused a moment to think and said, "Well if you want this place to be clear of coyotes then you may as well pay me now, because no coyote did this." "Whada ya mean no coyotes?, said Henry taken aback. Don't you see all the dead sheep?" "Yeah, there are dead sheep but these bite marks are way to big and I don't care how many could have been in a pack they wouldn't attack a herd this size," said Jacob. "Then what did it!" exclaimed Henry "A wolf," stated the huntsman bluntly. "One wolf cannot do all this damage in one night, plus they don't even live in this area!" said Henry with a tone of irritation. The hunter did seem puzzled by this but took a closer look around the location, after looking around for about 5 minutes he finally said, it is very strange that a wolf has traveled this far out away from its usual home, and that it would do all this and not eat any of it, but if you look closely there is only one set of tracks that are about the size of a large wolf." After a moment to collect himself Henry asked, "Why do you suppose it didn't eat hardly anything then?" "I honestly have no idea, even if it was rabid I don't think it would do this much damage," said Jacob. "So now what?" asked the concerned herdsman. "Well I suggest you pen up the remaining sheep, and keep a watch out," said Jacob, "I'll see if I can track this thing down for you." "Alright, thank you," said Henry. "Now what do you want as payment?" "I need some warm clothes for winter so I suppose any wool you can salvage from the corpses," replied Jacob. "Very well," agreed Henry. That had been a full month ago and Henry's herds have been attacked again and again. If Jacob did not find this wolf tonight Henry could very well lose his ranch. Jacob began to smell something awful and rather than cover his nose, he followed the scent to a fresh steaming pile of poop, and suddenly Jacobs eyes lit up. Now most people wouldn't be excited to see a hot poop, but to a hunter that means something is nearby. He got on his knees and inspected it closely, the size appeared about right for a wolf, there appeared to be strands of wool sticking out of it. This appeared to be his target, so he searched around the pile for a new set of tracks not moving his head. When suddenly there was a rustling in the bushes and a white furred bunny charged out of it like lightning. The rabbit ran right towards him and looked like it would jump over him. . . it did not it vaulted over his head, pushing it into the warm pile. Words failed to describe his rage, but since he new his hunt was so close, he kept his mouth shut. Instead while cleaning his face, he had this simple thought, "MOTHER F***ING, SON OF A B***H, GOD DAMN, C**T, ASS FUUUU!" He had quite the swearing problem and would be vocal about it if he weren't so close to finding the wolf. After cleaning off the wolf leftovers, he looked to where the rabbit had gone and heard more rustling in that direction, he drew an arrow and prepared a shot, if it was a rabbit or wolf, something was gonna die. As it turned out the rabbit was the unfortunate creature to hop out. The arrow flew 30 feet and pierced the hares neck killing it instantly. "That what you get for pushing my face into that!" exclaimed the hunter at a soft yell. He moved to retrieve the arrow when in an instant the wolf jumped out of the bush and began charging towards Jacob. He tried to draw another arrow, but the wolf was to fast and bit down on his arm with bone crushing force. "AAGGGH!!" cried out the pinned Jacob. He used the arrow that he had been drawing and used it like a spear to jab the wolf in the eye. The wolf howled out in pain releasing his arm. The wolf took a step back but did not run away. Jacob looked at his bow and saw that the wolf had unstrung it when it tackled him, so he had only one choice. He drew his rapier that only was used before to quiet dying animal, but was now about to use it to protect his own life. The sword was an heirloom that had been passed down in him family for generations and was used in many wars and on many hunts. The sword was a well kept silver blade with a hilt that was formed by many brass vines, and inscribed on the pommel was his family's crest, a double-headed phoenix. The wolf jumped at him once again but this time he was ready. Jacob dodged to the side and slashed the wolf along its front shoulder, causing it to bleed but nowhere near enough to take him down. He charged again but this time rather that side-step Jacob took a step towards the wolf and stabbed into its snarling mouth killing the beast. Jacob dropped down and let out a great sigh of pain, the wolf had tore up his arm quite badly and he was losing a lot of blood. However he had to inspect the wolf to see what could have caused it to act so violently. So he cut off a piece of his torn sleeve and tied a tourniquet at his elbow above the bite mark. He moved over to where the wolf was lying to witness something extremely strange. The wolf had dark grey fur on first inspection, but it began to fade suddenly and it appeared to have a much darker coat. "What the hell?" stated the injured hunter, forgetting his pain for a moment." "Ah poo, you killed my new pet," said a voice that chilled Jacob to the bone. "Who's there!?" said Jacob startled. "This is your wolf!?" "Yes, and I am very angry that you've hurt him, said the voice. And I had spent so little time changing him into the chaotic little beast he is. . . well was today." "YOU TRAINED THIS THING TO BE A KILLER!" said Jacob outraged. "SHOW YOURSELF SO I CAN KILL YOU BASTARD." The voiced replied  "My my such temper, what did I ever do to you." "You trained a wolf to be a killer, released it onto my neighbors herds, and had it attack me! yelled the hunter. "Aw come on, how can you still be mad, I already fixed your arm and clothes," said the voice in an insincere apology. "What the hell are you talking about?" asked Jacob tuning to look at his arm. When he saw it he could not comprehend what had happened. It was just as the stranger had said the wound was completely healed, his clothes were mended and even his bow had been restrung. This did not calm Jacob, it made him more frightened and angry than ever. "How the fuck did you do that," said Jacob shocked. "Watch you language now," said the voice sternly. "Honestly you have such rage within yo-. . " The voice stopped as though it had just realized something. Jacob had noticed it to and took the opportunity. To try and find out where it was coming from. But he did not have to search long for the source of the voice appeared before him, causing Jacob to question if the wolf had some kind of hallucinogen in its mouth. The creature before him looked to be larger than a bear, but snake shaped, stood like a man, but had the leg of an alligator and goat, its hand appeared to be a lions paw and bird talon. The whole thing appeared to be some sort of abomination. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU!" screamed Jacob in fear. "Yes, yes you'll do nicely," said the thing. "Such rage." Jacob began to draw his rapier once again, but the creature nearly snapped its fingers and it froze in place, mid-swing. The creature snapped its fingers once again but this time a great flash of light appeared and the next thing he new, he was on some sort of stage with a blast of dark blue energy hurling towards him. The sword was still stuck in place and he could not move it even after pulling with all his might. The blast hit the sword full on and exploded, Jacob was shocked but unharmed, and the sword was finally free to move again. "What on earth is this thing some sort of familiar!?" said an ominous female voice. "I will be back and know this, my night will reign forever!" Jacob was sure he was either dead or hallucinating, because when he looked out from the stage he saw a crowd of colorful horses, and a dark fog floating out the window. To be continued. , //-------------------------------------------------------// Chapter 2: From Earth to Equestria. //-------------------------------------------------------// Chapter 2: From Earth to Equestria. Twilight looked in horror as her fears had been proven true. Nightmare Moon the mare in the moon had returned to Equestria as the legends had foretold, but not only had she returned she had somehow managed to kidnap Princess Celestia. "SEIZE HER, ONLY SHE KNOWS WHERE THE PRINCESS IS!" commanded Mayor Mare. A group of four elite royal guards flew up to apprehend her but, where stopped by without a seconds thought by the ancient deity of darkness. "Stay back you foals!" shouted Nightmare Moon as she blasted the guards with a powerful lightning spell. Twilight new that she may very well be the only hope for everypony in there so she dropped Spike and, charged upstage to confront the former princess of the night. "What have you done with Princess Celestia!" demanded Twilight with an undertone of nervousness. "Why are you doing this?" The dark mare looked to her and gave a devious smile saying, "Ah you must be my sisters newest student, may I ask your name?" "Its. . . its Twilight Sparkle," answered Twilight more unsure than ever. "I see so now we both know each other," said the Mare in the Moon. "My sister was always good about making sure her students knew just about everything about anything." Twilight having built up more confidence asked, "What are you getting at Nightmare? The dark alicorns smile disappeared from her face and she answered, "Well you see since I know my sister has taught you so well, that means you might know how to defeat me, and that makes you a threat." As she finished speaking she blasted Twilight with a bolt of lightning that caused her legs to freeze up. Then she flew up to the top of the room and began charging up a large ball of dark energy. Twilight struggled as much as she could but her legs would not move, she wrecked her brain for a way out of it but her mind was frozen with fear and she could not think of a single spell to get her out. Nightmare Moon finished charging up her attack, "NOW DIE!" she said, sending her deadly spell hurdling towards Twilight. She closed her eyes sure that she was doomed but after a few seconds, she was still standing. She opened her eyes to see that some strange creature was standing between her and Nightmare Moon holding a sword in its hands. "What on earth is this thing some sort of familiar!?" said Nightmare as she began to de-materialize into mist. "I will be back and know this, my night will reign forever!" Twilight thought about what Nightmare Moon had said. Could she have summoned a familiar to protect herself. She did know a few spells on that subject, but most of them were for small animals like rodents, or birds, even Owlowiscious had been summoned that way. However she didn't even know what this thing was could she have summoned it completely by random. The creature lowered its sword suddenly as though it was stuck in midair and it had only just now freed it. It looked around very confused and seemed to be angry. Twilight decided to explain what was going on to it, but needed to get to a calmer location first. She concentrated a teleportation spell that brought them the Ponyville Library. When they popped into the library, again the creature seemed startled about where it was but Twilight was ready to explain the situation now. "Listen, I know your probably a bit lost and confused right now, but I can explain anything you don't understand," said Twilight with a calming voice. "My name is Twilight Sparkle, what yours?" "What kind of name is Twilight Sp-" began the creature, turning around "- arkle?" "Its not that bad a name and why the pause?" said the purple unicorn. "A talking, purple, unicorn," said the creature. ". .  . . WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THAT WOLF!" "AH!" screamed Twilight by the outburst. "What wolf what wrong?" The creature took a breath and turned away to talk with itself, "Okay so, that wolf was probably sicker than you first thought, but that's okay because it just means your dreaming. . . . While also bleeding profusely in the middle of the forest." "Hey don't ignore me!" said Twilight irritated that her possible familiar had such a bad attitude. It turned back towards her and said, "Okay maybe if I play along and go with this dream I'll wake up quicker, so what did you ask me?" Twilight still irritated said, "I asked you what your name was." Having settled to completing his "dream" the creature answered, "My name is Jacob Rivers." "Well Jacob listen I'll be happy to explain to you everything you want but right now we're a little pressed for time, and I'm going to need your help." Before Jacob had a chance to ask anything there was a loud knocking on the door, and suddenly it burst open and a rainbow colored streak flew threw the room, followed by a group of four other mares and a small dragon. "Alright TWILIGHT, you have some explaining to do!" asked Rainbow Dash fully riled up. "How did you know about Nightmare Moon are you a spy, how did you stop her at town hall, and WHAT IS THAT!?" Jacobs sanity couldn't handle much more, first a unicorn now a pegasus, he was about to lose it so he finally shouted, "Hey I'm not an IT I'm a human being, and I want about as much explained as you!" Applejack trying to lower the tension said, "Rainbow, Mr.Human-" "My name is Jacob," said he with a shortening patience. "Well, Rainbow, Mr.Jacob, I'm sure Twilight here can answer your questions, and I'm sure she's not a spy, said Applejack. But she does seem to know a lot, right? Twilight began explaining, "I first heard about Nightmare Moon while I was studying back in Canterlot, while researching ancient legends, the books I read said that she would return 1000 years after her banishment which fell on today. They also mentioned that she was originally banished by some mysterious object of great power called The Elements of Harmony. I tried to find out more on them but I had to come here to help out with the celebration, so I wasn't able to finish my research and I can't find anything on them here." Suddenly the pink earth pony popped out of a pile of the books in the back and said, "The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide." "PINKIE, HOW DID YOU FIND THAT!" said Twilight completely unsettled. "It was under "E!" sang Pinkie Pie. Jacob began to fall into the recesses of his inner mind and thought, "Why the fuck am I having this dream, this doesn't make any sense, and why is it lasting so long?" Twilight grabbed the book from Pinkie and brought it over to her podium in order to read it to everyone. "Oh. There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known: Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty and Loyalty. The sixth is a complete mystery. It is said, the last known location of the five elements was in the ancient castle of the royal pony sister," read Twilight. "And where in Celestias name is that?" asked Rarity who had been silent up till now. Twilight continued reading and said, "They are located in what is now. .  THE EVERFREE FOREST!" All of the ponies and Spike seemed to have any positive emotions that were floating around drained from there very being, while Jacob on the other hand/hoof did not know what was so bad about the woods, so did not know what to be afraid of. Since all of them seem to be shocked in silence he finally asked, "Okay so why am here then, Twilight?" She shook her head straight and answered, "I think when Nightmare Moon was about to kill me, I cast a summoning spell that brought you here to protect me. "You think!" exclaimed Jacob. "You either know or you don't!" "Look I was scared," said Twilight. "I searched my brain for anything that might save me, I don't even remember casting it. ". . .  .Fine then, lets just go to this castle so I can finish this dream," said Jacob with a sigh. Applejack and Rainbow then both asked Pinkie and Rarity, "What does he mean by dream?" Rarity answered first saying, "I don't have any idea, how would I." Pinkie followed saying, "Oh that, yeah he's in denial." "What do you mean by that. . . . and how do you know that" asked Rarity. "Well he just got tossed between worlds like a super big volley ball game!" Rarity replied saying, "So he trying to cope with the new location and ponies." "Yup!" said Pinkie cheerfully. So the bandwagon set out on their journey to find the Elements of Harmony, they marched to the edge of the forest and held a brief discussion while entering. Twilight asked the group, "So none of you have ever been in here before?" "Good heavens no!" responded Rarity with a tone of horror. "Just look at it, its dreadful." Applejack added to her statement saying, "And plus it just ain't natural." "What do you mean?" asked Twilight. "The plants grown on their own, the animals take care of themselves, and the clouds move without any pegasai!" answered Rainbow Dash. ". . .  . So its an ordinary forest then?" asked Jacob. Rarity completely jaw dropped said, "How on earth is that an ordinary forest!?" "Do clouds and plants really not do anything by themselves here?" Jacob questioned. Twilight asked back, "Do they where you come from?" Jacob relied"Of course they do why wouldn't they, and also why is my own mind making all these stupid adjustments to the world around me, I mean for . . . . ." He paused for a moment as though he had just realized something. "OH GOD THIS IS REAL!" shouted the human. The group all replied in unison, "Of course it is!" However Twilight asked, "But why did you finally accept this." He answered thusly, "My minds not stupid enough to make weather require intervention." After which he was struck on the head by Rainbow Dash who had taken offense to the idea that the need for a weather pony was stupid. "Hey I help clear the clouds in town so, the weather patrol is NOT stupid." said Rainbow Dash bluntly. Having been angered by being hit Jacob replied, "WELL EXCUSE ME ITS NOT EVERYDAY YOU GET SENT TO A WHOLE NEW WORLD WITH CREATURES THAT DON'T EXIST, AND NATURE THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE." His voice appeared to be so loud that it began to shake the ridge they were walking across, until it collapsed. All of the group save Rainbow and Fluttershy were sent tumbling down. Jacob grabbed on of his spare knives off his belt and stabbed it into the ground to stop him, while the two pegasai saved Rarity and Pinkie. Applejack and Twilight on the other hand kept going further down the slope. Applejack finally stopped after grabbing onto a root, but Twilight went all the way to the cliff edge. Applejack yelled to Twilight, "Hang on I'm comin." "Applejack what do I do?" asked the panicking unicorn. The work horse pondered a moment then told Twilight, "Let go." "Are you crazy, I'LL DIE!" screamed Twilight. AJ with a calming voice replied, "Now listen if you let go you'll be safe, that the honest truth." Twilight debated to herself and moments and said, "Okay." releasing both hooves and plummeting. Luckily both Fluttershy and RD were there to catch her and place her safely on the ground, then the rest of the group. Later after more walking, and having to hear Rainbow Dash talk about how much of a hero she was, Jacob had finally had enough. "Rainbow Dash, we were ALL there, we know what happened," scolded Jacob. "You don't have to-" "ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAR" "Manticore!" screamed Twilight. Jacob having never seen such a beast did the first thing that came to mind, shoot an arrow at it. So he drew and fire off an arrow as quickly as possible, but the manticore merely swiped it out of the air and shattered it. This only appeared to make it angrier. Then the rest of the group save Fluttershy all tried their own combined tactics on how to bring it down. All the while Fluttershy was trying to get their attention quietly and politely until finally she had an outburst. "WAAAIIIT!" shouted Fluttershy as they were about to charge the manticore. Fluttershy then flew up towards the manticore and showed it that she meant no harm, after which she asked. "Now what seems to be the problem?" said the yellow mare. The monster revealed a splinter in its paw from the shattered arrow, and that it was in pain. Fluttershy then said, "Oh you poor baby, now this might hurt for just a second." She then pulled the splinter out using her teeth, the beast let out a ghastly roar, but then immediately calmed down, After Fluttershy calmed the monster down a bit more, the group continued on. "How did you know the splinter was why it was angry?" asked both Twilight, and her human companion. Fluttershy answered, "I didn't, sometimes you just have to show a little kindness." "Sounds like a good way to get yourself killed if you ask me," thought Jacob. As the group marched on nothing significant happened for some time, aside from Raritys complaints about mud and dirt. That is until a blue mist settled over the trees around them, turning them into horrible looking demons. The whole group began to scream excluding our veteran hunter, who was not frightened by scary trees, and one Pinkie Pie. Instead of screaming Pinkie Pie chose to laugh at the horrible looking trees. "How can you be laughing, RUN!" said Twilight, Giggle at the Ghosties (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1J52ALcal8) ((one musical number later)) The group once again set off after having a laugh at some not so evil trees. They came upon a rushing river, that had now area thin enough to cross. "How are we gonna cross this?" asked Pinkie. In the distance they heard someone sobbing very loudly, and they turned to see a great sea serpent, bawling in the river causing the water to churn. "Oh what a world, WHAT A WORLD," bawled the serpent. Rarity walked up to the creature and asked, "Excuse me sir, what seems to be the problem?" The beast replied, "Well you can call me Steven Magnet, and you see I was just sitting here, minding my own business, when this tacky little cloud of purple smoke just whisked past me and tore half of my beloved mustache clean off, and now I look simply HORRID." "That is the best name ever," said Jacob ignoring the issue at hand. "That may be," said Rainbow, but you've got to give me a break on all the crying." Applejack annoyed told the group, "That's what all the fuss was about." "Why, of course it is. How can you be so insensitive?" said Rarity. "Oh, just look at him. Such lovely luminescent scales." "I know," said Magnet between sobs. "All ruined without my beautiful mustache!" Rarity's eyes narrowed and she said, "I simply cannot allow such a crime against beauty!" The fashonista then bit off one of the scales of the, FABULOOOOOUUUUUUUS, sea serpent. "Ow what did you do that for?" exclaimed Steven. Rarity then used the scale and swung her head behind cutting off her own tail. She then used her magic to attach the severed tail to the stub of Magnets mustache. The sea serpent then cheered in delight, "Oh-hohohoho! My mustache. How wonderful!" "Great job Rarity now we can cross," said Twilight. "But what about your tail?" "Oh short tails are in this season," said Rarity. "Plus it will grow back." "So would the mustache," said Rainbow Dash snarkfully. Twilight then gathered everyone saying, "Alright everypo- er, everyone lets cross now." "Please, allow me." said Magnet, extending his body to act as stepping stones across the river. As all of the ponies hopped across his back, Jacob stayed behind for a moment to recover the scale Rarity had discarded, it was extremely sharp for a scale and it may be useful, he never let anything that could be useful go to waste. After placing it inside his bag he quickly followed the rest of the group. They continued on for a few minutes until finally the castle of the royal pony sisters came into sight. "There it is, the elements of harmony are inside these ruins!" exclaimed Twilight as she ran ahead of the group. Not looking where she was going Twilight failed to see that the bridge was out, and the front half of her body was sent over the edge of a deep abyss. Scrambling to get back up she was eventually pulled back up by Jacob, and Rainbow Dash. "Whats with you and falling today?" asked Rainbow sarcastically. "I need you alive if I want to get home, if I can get home," added Jacob. Twilight having regained her composure responded, "Right so now what do we do?" Rainbow then rolled her eyes and said, "Duh," flexing her wings before flying down to pick up the fallen bridge. She flew down on their edge of the chasm, and then emerged from the mists to fly across. Jacob wondered how a creature with such small wings compared to its body could fly so well. Almost 10 whole minutes had passed since Rainbow Dash "What the hell/hay is taking her so long?" groaned Jacob and Applejack at once. "Whats SQUEAK?" said Pinkie Pie as she was playing with her toy horn. Jacob pondered Pinkies question for a moment and decided it didn't matter so he ignored the question saying, "So, what do you suppose is taking her so long, Twilight?" "I don't know," said Twilight digging through her bag for some binoculars, "Its hard to see through all the fog." She then levitated the binoculars to her eyes and looked to the posts where the other side of the bridge connected and saw Rainbow Dash surrounded by three dark ponies. "OH NO!" screamed Twilight as she passed the binoculars so the rest could look, "RAINBOW, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!" "Flutters!" shouted Jacob "Yes. . .and its Fluttershy,said the startled mare. "Whatever!" said the human callously, "Listen fly over there and warn her about whats going on." Fluttershy the buried her face into her forelegs and replied, "I Can't" "Why not!" barked Jacob equally confused as he was annoyed. "I'm scared," replied the frightened Fluttershy. Jacob paced back and forth for a few moments then turned to the rest of the group asking, "Any ideas?" As the group frantically debated on what course of action to take or how to motivate Fluttershy to cross over to help, they failed to notice the rope on the bridge growing taut. Nor did they notice the fog clear to reveal Rainbow Dash flying back towards them. "Whatcha all talking about," said RD knowing full well what they were arguing over. "You came back, what happened?" asked Twilight. Rainbow Dash smiled and said, "Well I was offered a pretty good deal, but I couldn't leave my friends hanging." As the ponied all cheered for Rainbows loyalty to them, Jacob grew more and more irritated then exclaimed, "Alright ra ra, good for her, can we get a move on now!" "What in tarnation are you all rearin to go for?" said Applejack. "I do say, can't you let Rainbow have her moment in the spotlight?" added Rarity. Jacob rubbed the bridge of his nose, calming himself and then said, "Look Nightmare is obviously trying to find these elements of harmony too. So the longer we wait we risk the chance of her getting them. Plus I've been thinking these elements are supposed to be the most powerful magical item in existence right?" "Right?" said Twilight unsure of where he was going with this. "Well if they're so powerful, maybe after your done defeating Nightmare Moon you can use them to send me home," said Jacob with a desperate look upon his face. "Hmm you could be on to something," said Twilight, "But your definitely right about one thing we do need to get a move on." "Alright gals were movin out then," vindicating what Twilight had already said. So the party of ponies and one human crossed the bridge and trudged on till they came upon the castle of the royal pony sisters. The structure was massive with towers sticking up at every corner, that is if the tower hadn't fallen over do to years of neglect. All together the castle was ominous but all together BARE there was hardly anything inside of it, save rocks, plants, and torn tapestries. They entered a large hall that had probably at one time held large banquets or celebrations. At the center of the room was a large pedestal with several arms sticking out from it, and on the end of each arm lay a stone sphere each with  different design on them. "Are these the elements Twilight?" asked Applejack. Twilight nodded and said, "I think so, lets get them down then shall we." Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash flew up and retrieved each orb and set them gently on the ground in front Twilight. "One, two, three, four, . . there's only five!" said Pinkie distressed "Where is the sixth?" asked Rainbow Dash. Twilight thought for a moment and said, "The book said: when the five are present, a spark will cause the sixth Element to be revealed." "What the hell/hay does that mean?" said AJ and Jacob in unison once again. Pinkie then perked up, "You still haven't told me what SQUEAK means mister human," after having dropped her blow horn again. Jacob sighed and said,"Listen, I'll tell you when this is all over, is that okay?" "Pinkie promise?" asked Pinkie Pie. "Sure," answered Jacob extending his pinkie finger. Pinkie backed up confused and said, "That's not how you Pinkie promise." Jacob the backed up equally confused and asked, "Well then how do you do it?" "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," answered the pink pony doing gestured to follow the rhyme. The veteran hunter couldn't quite process what he had just saw so he just said, ". . . Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye, I promise I will tell you what hell is. Happy now?" "Sure am!" said Pinkie bouncing up and down. Right after their exchanged Twilight announced, "Alright everyone I'm going to try and create the spark, so I need to focus." Applejack then began funneling the group outside the room, "Alright everypony lets give her some quiet so she can concentrate." "I'm going to stick by the door in case something rears its ugly head in here," said Jacob, "And based upon our luck so far it will." "Alright but be quiet," replied Twilight as she knelt down and focused her magic. As she focused, a blue wisp flew into the room and surrounded the elements of harmony and began forming a vortex around them. "Aah!" screamed Twilight grabbing Jacobs attention and that of the girls outside. "The elements!" exclaimed Twilight as she jumped into the vortex swiftly followed by Jacob. The girls were just about to reach them when the vortex along with Twilight, Jacob, and the elements vanished. "Where the SQUEAK/hay did they go?" said Pinkie and AJ at the same time. Rarity looked out one of the shattered windows to see a light coming from another wing of the castle, "Look over there, and Pinkie PLEASE get rid of that horn." Applejack then rallied the girls saying, "Come on lets go get em!" While the group of 5 tried to find their way over to the light Jacob and Twilight found coughed out a few puffs of smoke and looked up to see none other than Nightmare Moon herself holding the elements of harmony around her head. Jacob's eyes narrowed, he looked to Twilight and said, "You grab the elements I'll cover you." as he un-slung his bow and drew and arrow." "Right," answered Twilight with equal determination. Twilight charged the Mare in the Moon with a charged spell glowing from her horn. "Ha, your kidding right?" said Nightmare with a tone of arrogance. As she was about the send a bolt of dark magic at Twilight an arrow struck her in her wing causing her to swing her head, making the spell miss. Nightmare extremely angered said, " GAH, WHY YOU INSOLENT FOAL!" sending another bolt of lightning at him. The bolt struck his bow causing the string to turn to ash and the bow itself to completely shatter. Jacob drew his sword and ran up to assist Twilight. "Do you honestly believe you can defeat me?" said Nightmare, charging Twilight. Just before the two clashed Twilight unleashed the spell she had been charging and warped over to where the elements were laying, and prepared to try the spark again. "NO!" shouted the dark mare charging towards her, only to be stopped by Jacob with his rapier pointing directly at her. Nightmare glared at him with more hate than can be accurately described and said, "Move now and I may let you live." "I don't think so," replied the human. "I need those things to get home." "Very well!" said Nightmare extending her head to stab him with her horn. Jacob parried the horn off to the side, and slashed at her side ripping the arrow out from her wing, making a puff of crimson and blue feathers float through the air, and making her to grow even more furious. Jacob prepared to strike a fatal blow towards her heart when Nightmare had finally had enough. "THAT'S IT!" roared Nightmare Moon as she surrounded them both in an aura of absolute darkness that he could not move in. She ripped the sword from his grasp and charged him with both her horn and the sword. Her horn struck right in the middle of his stomach just below his diaphragm and the sword impaled him just a breadth above his heart. Nightmare then blasted his body with a strong telekinesis spell across the room causing him to slam against a pillar knocking out what little air he had left in his lungs, and shattering the sword sticking out of his chest.. He lay there un-moving as blood poured from his body creating a large pool of blood in seconds. "Now for you TWILIGHT SPARKLE," said the dark mare. Twilight, nearly panicking returned to the elements saying, "Come on just one spark," She focused all of her magic and the elements began to glow with an energy that was not her own, but before as she was about to activate them, Nightmare warped in front of her and blasted her back with another blast of kinetic magic. However even without Twilight's magic the elements continued to radiate and strange energy. "No, NO!" said Nightmare growing afraid. As their radiance reached its peak and Twilight thought they would soon awaken the sixth element, they suddenly dropped dead back to stone. Twilight broken let out, "But, but wheres the sixth!?" "HAHAHA! You little foal! Thinking you could defeat me?" said the mare in the moon as she stepped on the elements shattering them entirely, "Now you will never see your princess, or your sun! The night will last forever!" Just then the rest of the ponies charged into the room to see the scene laid out before them. "Twilight are you there? Don't worry we're comin. Hang on for us." said the group all mixed together. It was at that moment that Twilight felt a revelation as to what the Elements of Harmony truly were, and a spark appeared in her eye. She turned to Nightmare Moon as her friends gathered around her and said, "You think you can destroy The Elements of Harmony just like that? Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of The Elements of Harmony are right here." The shattered pieces of the elements began to float around the room glowing with a new found energy. "What the!?" remarked the dark mare. "Applejack, who reassured me when I was in doubt, represents the spirit of... honesty!" "Fluttershy, who tamed the manticore with her compassion, represents the spirit of... kindness!" "Pinkie Pie, who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger, represents the spirit of... laughter!" "Rarity, who calmed a sorrowful serpent with a meaningful gift represents the spirit of... generosity!" "And Rainbow Dash, who could not abandon her friends for her own heart's desire represents the spirit of... loyalty!" As she said this the shattered remains of the elements began to float around their corresponding bearer. Nightmare growing more concerned stammered out, "You still don't have the sixth Element! The spark didn't work, and your friend is still going to die!" Twilight merely smiled and said, But it did! A different kind of spark, and we will save him. I felt the spark the very moment I realized how happy I was to hear you, to see you, how much I cared about you. The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all... are my friends! You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the... the spark, that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth element: the element of... magic!" The sixth element appeared above the six ponies and began to emit a blinding light, and from that light it repaired the piece of the other elements into their true form. Each of the original 5 elements changed into a necklace and adorned itself to their necks, but the sixth element, magic, changed into a golden crown atop Twilight's head. The six friend began to levitate up and a beam of magic flew from each element forming a brilliant rainbow, that speed towards Nightmare Moon. She tried to flee but felt something holding her down by her leg, she turned to see a trail of crimson that lead right to her, and a human who had used its sword to drag itself over to her. "You're. . . not going anywhere," said Jacob between coughs of blood. "NOOOO!" shouted Nightmare as the spell struck both of them, enveloping them in a vortex of magic. The spell finished off with a great flash to reveal everyone laying on the ground, half-conscious. Jacob looked down at his chest to see the wounds had completely vanished, and unlike before when they were healed by that abomination, he felt calmer as well. Although he still felt as though he had not regained any of his lost blood and he was till quite sore. He looked over to his side to see that Nightmare Moon had disappeared and in her place was another pony this one a lighter shade of blue and much more timid looking. "Twilight, girls!" shouted Jacob, "Is everyone alright?" "Yeah we're all here!" said a mix of the ponies, "Are you okay?" Jacob still lying on the ground not wanting to move answered, "I feel like SQUEAK but I think I'll live. .  . what was that noise." "That was me, sorry," replied Pinkie Pie. After making sure everyone was all in one piece a blinding light appeared from one of the windows. The light began to fade revealing a tall white pony with wings and a horn much like the pony next to Jacob. "Princess Celestia!" gasped all of the ponies. "Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student. I knew you could do it," said the princess in a motherly voice. "But... you told me it was all an old pony tale," stammered Twilight. "I told you that you needed to make some friends, nothing more. I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon's return and I knew it was you who had the magic inside to defeat her, but you could not unleash it until you let true friendship into your heart," replied Celestia turning her head towards Jacob and the Nightmare replacement. "Now if only another will as well, Princess Luna!" The small princess seemed to finally wake up entirely and gasped in fear towards the larger alicorn. "It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this, it is time to put our differences behind us, "spoke the Princess. "We were meant to rule together, little sister. Will you accept my friendship?" Luna remained quiet for a moment and finally ran into her sisters embrace and exclaimed, "I'm so sorry! I missed you so much, big sister!" The two embraced in a hug using their wings and finally Celestia broke away from the bonding and looked over to Jacob who was still lying on the ground. "And I must thank you as well Jacob," stated the alicorn, "If it weren't for you Twilight might not have been able to awaken the elements, thank you so much for returning my sister to me." Jacob exerting a large amount of effort managed to stand back up and say, "Your welcome, but I was in it for my own gain. I just wanted to get back home and those elements seem like my ticket back." He took a step forward and immediately regretted that decision. He suddenly felt as though he would fall into a sleep that would never end, he began to stumble and lose his footing, and finally he hit the floor. Next was only nothingness. //-------------------------------------------------------// Chapter 3: A new town a new sword, and a new job. //-------------------------------------------------------// Chapter 3: A new town a new sword, and a new job. Nurse Redheart had been working with her patient for almost a week now, and throughout the week she had to learn almost her whole career over again. The patient was initially brought to her back in Ponyville for immediate treatment, evidently he had lost a large amount of blood and had been healed to suddenly, because of this his veins and arteries were mostly empty and air bubbles were allowed to form within his system. The bubbles eventually reached his heart causing him to suffer a minor stroke and a major case of cardiac arrest, had he not been brought to her immediately, he would have died. After she had been able to get his heart beating again and he had been stabilized, she was instructed to travel with the patient to Canterlot, for security reasons. Treating the patient in his comatose state would not have been hard if this were a normal patient, she had taken care of plenty in her past, but she didn't even know what this one was. She had to learn its anatomy almost over night. The princess and Twilight Sparkle had told her the creature she was taking care of was called a human and that his name was Jacob Rivers, they also said that she had to come with them to Canterlot because they didn't want anyone to freak out over the strange new creature. So until the human woke up she was going to be working in the capital. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jacob was alone. There was only him and then nothingness, every direction he looked there was only more nothing. He tried for what seemed like ages to walk to somewhere with something, but he only found more nothing. He grew angry at the nothing for not letting him leave, he yelled and swore at the nothing for days but nothing only replied with nothing. As his anger grew he felt as though something had finally appeared near him. He turned around and saw a massive beast that seemed to be made of bleeding fire. The beast was at least 10 times his size and had claws that were as long as his whole body on both hands, It had teeth that could tear through flesh like air, and eyes that could burn through steel. The most frightening feature of the monster was not its claws or teeth, but its face. When Jacob looked at the creature he could only see his very own face. They both stood there in the nothing for what seemed to be a full day, until eventually he decided to try and conquer the beast. He charged at it with his fist full of rage, but the creature only grew larger and swallowed Jacob whole. And then finally. . . something. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "AHHH!" screamed Jacob finally waking from his dream. He was breathing heavily and was frightened, but probably not quite as frightened as Nurse Redheart who had been preparing his feeding tube, when he awoke the scream caused her to throw the tube into the air and make nutrient rich fluid run all over the floor. The room was very large. It held one bed, with an assortment of medical equipment next to it. A medium sized dresser with a mirror on top, and there were two sets of door. One was open and led out to a balcony, and the other was shut with a pony dressed in golden armor standing next to it. Nurse Redheart managed to stop the feeding tube from spilling out fluids all over the place and said, "Oh my goodness, your awake. Guard go get the princess QUICKLY." The guard standing next to the door opened it and ran out into the hallway before the door finally swung shut. Leaving only Jacob, the Nurse, and a pool of nutrients in the room. Jacob looked to the small white pony standing by his bed wearing a cap with a red cross on it, he assumed that this was his nurse while he was asleep and asked, "Where am I, what happened and how long was I out!?" and after thinking about manners for a moment he added "And whats your name?" The pony cleared her throat and answered, "My name is Nurse Redheart, I've been taking care of you while you were unconscious for the past 6 days after I restarted your heart during the summer sun celebration, and you are currently in Canterlot Castle." He nodded as she spoke then asked, "Okay, so why did that guard need to go grab the princess so fast?" "She told me to tell her as soon as you woke up," replied Redheart. The human looked around the room once again still trying to get his bearings and then finally he looked at himself and noticed the I.V. sticking out of his arm, he pulled it out but then he looked at himself again and noticed that he was almost naked save his boxers. "Hey Nurse, are there some spare clothes in that dresser over there?" asked Jacob. "Yes, we had a whole new wardrobe made for you," replied Redheart. "Okay then, could you give me some privacy while I change into something?" asked the human. "Alright then," said the Nurse confused as to what the problem was, "I'll be right outside okay, just call for me when your done." She opened the door into the hallway and stepped outside closing it behind her. Jacob slid out from under the bed sheets he was covering himself with and walked over to the dresser. Inside was seven identical sets of clothes. A pair of dark grey wool socks, and boxers, a pair of jeans that were dyed black, a white button up shirt and finally a pair of brown leather boots and a black jacket, at least they looked like leather it may have been a substitute but it was nearly the same. The jacket had a strange ordainment along the spine that looked like train tracks. He put on one set of clothes, they seemed to fit comfortably but perhaps needed to be tailored down a size or two. He then looked into the mirror sitting on the dresser to look at himself, his hair had grown a considerable amount and he was overdue for a shave, but that could wait and with that, went over to go call for Redheart. Just before calling he forgot about his sword, he took it everywhere, so he searched through the dresser once again to see if it was there, it was not. He looked around his bed, and it was not there. He was growing paranoid but calmed himself saying it was probably with the guard when he ran out, he then exited the room and met up with the nurse outside. "I told you to call for me," said Redheart. "You said I've been out for a week I want to get moving again," replied Jacob. The nurse gave him a look and said, "Listen you just woke up your not in much condition to be moving around so mu. . ." "I know the limits of my own body," interupted Jacob. "And I'll be fine." "If you say so," said Redheart. The guard that was standing inside of the room earlier, and did not have the sword, galloped up to the two of them and said, "The princess wishes to speak with you in the throne room immediately, please follow me." "Alright but first where is my sword," said the human with a tone of worry. "It is with the princess now please follow me," stated the guard again. So Jacob and the nurse followed the guard through a maze of corridors and stairs until they arrived in front of a large set of doors about twenty feet tall. The guard turned to the two following and stated, "You go inside and speak with the princess," pointing to Jacob, "And you are free to return to Ponyville as soon as you pack your things." "Oh, I don't get to meet the princess?" asked Nurse Redheart feeling very disappointed. "I'm sorry but she asked to see him only," replied the guard. She looked over to the human standing before her "Well I guess this is goodbye," she awkwardly stated, "Try not to get hurt so badly again alright." She began to trot away but stopped when she felt something on her shoulder. She turned her head to see Jacob had his hand on her and was on one knee so they were at eye level with each other. "I usually don't have to say many goodbyes but, you did save my life," spoke Jacob, "I can't thank you enough, but I will try and pay you back one day." And with that he stood up opened the door into the throne room and was gone. Nurse Redheart still felt slightly depressed over having to leave a patient so suddenly but, she also felt a sense of anticipation towards whatever comes next. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Ah, I'm glad to see your finally awake." said Princess Celestia sitting upon her throne, "You had us all quite worried after you collapsed in the ruins." "Well thank you I guess," said Jacob not sure of how to act around royalty. "I was told you have my rapier. The princess levitated a wrapped bundle of cloth that was tied off with a gold ribbon from behind her throne and over to Jacob.  He untied the ribbon, but stopped before unwrapping the rest, he had a flashback to his battle with Nightmare Moon and remembered that after he had been stabbed the sword was destroyed. He looked up the alicorn and asked, "But wasn't it completely broken?" "Yes, but I had out finest mages, and even Luna reforge it," replied Celestia. "Alright, but now how about getting me home?" questioned the human. "Me and Twilight are working very diligently on finding a spell that will send you back, but it may take some time, months even." answered the alicorn." And with that he began unwrapping the fabric and the first thing he noticed was the scabbard was new, it was a navy blue with a sun on one side and a crescent moon on the other, it also appeared to have the same metal ordainment that his jacket had all the way down the scabbard. He then removed the rapier itself from its home and saw that nothing had appeared to change about the blade itself, although it did gleam with a faint purple outline when held up to the light. "Wow," said the hunter, "I doesn't look like it was ever used, let alone broken." "It was no easy task but the scale in your bag proved to be the perfect material for a new edge." said the princess, "And my sister even added her own little gift to the blade as well." "I'm not going to get stabbed again, are I?" asked Jacob sarcastically. "Heh heh," giggled the immortal ruler, "Here I'll have the captain show you how to use it properly." The hunter looked confused and said, "I already know how to use a sword, I wouldn't carry it otherwise." Then a new pony walked into the room, he wore the standard armor that the rest of the guards wore minus a helmet, but this one had an emblem on the breastplate of a shield adorned with a purple star. He trotted up to Jacob and extended a hoof to him saying, "So your the one who helped my little sister save the day, names Shining Armor captain of the royal guard." Jacob grabbed hold of the hoof and replied, "Jacob Rivers, and who might your sister be?" "Twilight of course!" said the captain pulling his hoof away, "Though I suppose you had no way of knowing." Shining began to ramble on about how thankful he was to Jacob for keeping Twilight safe, but he tuned most of it out, he couldn't grasp how happy-go-lucky this guy was, despite being a captain. He looked over towards the princess and mouthed the words, "This is your captain?" She replied back mouthing the words, "He is much more capable than you think." Finally the princess interrupted saying, "Captain, don't you think it's time to show Jacob his swords new ability? "New ability?" said Shining and Jacob in unison. "Oh yes! I almost forgot why you brought me here." exclaimed Shining Armor facehoofing himself. "Here follow me out to the training yard, we have some dummies set up there." So the two left the throne room and went down many flights of stairs to emerge outside in a sandy clearing filled with straw ponies wearing burlap clothes. "Alright so why exactly am I getting a crash course in something I already know all about?" asked the hunter. Shining Armor smirked and said, "Because we didn't just have your blade reforged we had it ENCHANTED." "You did what now?" inquired Jacob. "Your sword can now send slashes of energy from a distance that way you don't have to get close to the danger." replied Shining Armor, "Weapon enchantments are a rare art of magic, that is very difficult to perform. Even today, it's only doable for alicorns like the princesses." "Oh so Celestia made it to where I can use it for long range attacks?" asked the human. "Actually it was Luna who enchanted it," said Shining, "I think its her way of saying she's sorry for what happened." Jacob could feel the same pain from when he had nearly died and shuddered, "Well, lets get on with it, how does it work?" "Well first off it needs to be charged," said the captain, "Normally it could charge through just sitting out in the moonlight but for now we're just going to have a bit of ordinary unicorn magic get pumped into it." The unicorn lifted up the sword and the strange metal thing that was on the scabbard began to fill up like a meter. Shining held the sword until the first of the six sections of it were filled. "Man that thing takes a lot out of you," remarked Shining catching his breath, "Alright now draw your sword and prepare to attack a target." Jacob did as he was told, growing excited over the fact that he would be using magic soon, the nearest dummy to him was at least thirty feet away from him but he stayed put. "Okay, now imagine you are right next to your target, focus on it as though you can hit it from here," said the captain, "Now raise your sword and swing right through it all the way from here!" Jacob felt a power like no other flowing through him he did as Shining had said and swung his sword with all his might, and cut right through the air and nothing else. ". . . . What happened?" asked Jacob. With a puzzled look Shining said, "Maybe your just not trying hard enough." So Jacob tried again and again and again, for over three hours with no improvement, the sun was beginning to set and he was growing frustrated. "Are you sure this thing even works?" said Jacob more as a statement than a question. "Yes the princess even had me practice with it to make sure that it worked," replied Shining. The two were about to give up as the moon started to rise when from a walkway above they heard the voice of Celestia who was on her way to bed, "Captain did you remember to twist the knob at the bottom of the hilt." "THERE. . . WAS. . . A KNOB!!!" roared Jacob at the captain. Shining backed up a few steps and sort of chuckled out, "Oh yeah guess I forgot." "HOW COULD YOU FORGET! shouted the human, "DIDN'T YOU PRACTICE WITH IT! Oh never mind." Still upset he turned his sword upside down and saw that there was a small nob about the size of an acorn at the bottom that had several settings, each a different moon phase. He presumed it to mean he must set it to the corresponding moon phase in the sky and set it to a full moon. Once again he took his stance and focused his mind, all he saw was the target dummy, he pictured himself in front of it mid-swing. Finally swung his sword with all his might, and a great slash of ivory energy flew from the blade and split the dummy right down the middle. As well as the one behind it, and the wall behind that. ". . . What setting did you put it to?" asked Shining Armor completely stunned. "Full moon." answered Jacob equally shocked as he was impressed. "We should get out of here," stated the captain. Sheathing his sword in its scabbard, Jacob said, "Yeah lets get going!" And so the two of them ran off inside of the castle and went to the room where Jacob had been sleeping earlier that day, which was now free of all medical equipment. "Alright, since the alarm isn't going off I think that means we're not in that much trouble," said Shining Armor having finally calmed down. "Good, replied the hunter. "Now tell me, why give me such a powerful weapon if I'm going to be sent home sooner or later." "Oh well you see, we wanted you to join the newest platoon of the royal guard. The M.A.R.E." said Shining. "The what?" questioned the human. "The Monster Attack Retaliation Engagement, a small team of skilled monster hunters," replied the captain. "So you want me to help you guys kill dangerous creatures that attack your citizens?" said Jacob. "Well, only if you have to," replied Shining Armor, "We much prefer to relocate them if possible." "Okay," said Jacob, "Now, what do I get out of this arrangement." "Well, the standard military pay of 2000 bits a month, plus lodging, and equipment." answered Shining. Unsure of how much a bit was Jacob thought about that deal very hard and decided to ask a question and then make his decision, by asking, "Where is that lodging, here at the castle? Also does that equipment include a new bow?" Shining replied simply with, "That's right." "Alright then I will join you guys, if instead of living here I can get my own place away from everything," said Jacob. "What do you mean, and why?" Shining asked confused. "I like to live in seclusion away from most other people," answered the human, "I'd like to have my own cabin in the forest." "ARE YOU INSANE!" exclaimed the captain, "Ignoring how dangerous it is to live out there, it would cost a fortune to hire ponies to go out and help build a cabin!" "Then how about a pay cut," retorted Jacob, "I'll take hmm . . . 1500 bits a month and you can use the left over money to build my house." ". . . Still that's quite dangerous for the builders." said Shining Armor. "We can send out me or some soldiers to help out," stated Jacob, "Plus the forest really isn't that dangerous. I dealt with just as many dangerous animals back home, although not as fantastical." ". . . Fine, you got a deal," said Shining, won over, "But It will take a couple of weeks so you'll be staying here in the meantime." "Alright then, when do I start." replied the human. Shining answered, "I'll send a letter to you when we gather the rest of the team." The two shook hoof and hand, and bid each other a good night. Jacob was then left alone in his temporary lodgings. He took a look around the room once again and noticed a glass of water and a plate on the nightstand. On the plate was a simple sandwich, Jacob had been so focused on other things throughout his day he forgot that he hadn't really eaten anything in over a week. He picked up the sandwich and took a bite, then immediately spat out what he had just tasted. He took off the top piece of bread, and saw it was filled with grass and dandelions. "For God's sake!" said Jacob irritated, "I need to have a talk with Celestia in the morning." So he wiped off what he considered lawn clippings and ate the bread by itself and took a swig of water. He placed his sword by the window, and then plopped onto the bed. The next day would no doubt be busy, so he needed to get his sleep. The memories of his time spent in Equestria up to this point began flowing to him as he lay there trying to rest. He pondered the idea of fighting with a magic sword against all sorts of new hunts. The idea of a whole new world to explore made him feel like a kid again. "I suppose this world ain't so bad," said Jacob to himself. ". . . But the second I get into the woods I'm catching some REAL food!"