Dragon Tales

Madame Pinkie shook her head, earrings jangling. "Sorry Spike, no can do."

Spike's jaw dropped. "What!? Why not?"

She shrugged, then put a hoof to her chest. "I have taken a solemn vow to never, ever reveal the secrets of the Beyond!" She bowed her head. "To do so would come at the cost of all I hold dear."

He stared at her, eyes wide. "Seriously?"

She nodded, then perked up and asked, "So, what else can Madame Pinkie do for you this fine day? Tarot reading? Scrying?" She rapped her hooves together. "Oooh, maybe palm reading? I don't get much practice with that."

He got up from the table. "Nah. Thanks anyway, Pinkie." He stepped outside, squinting in the sunlight, then walked off.

"Wait!" Pinkie shouted, appearing in front of him in a blur of pink. Her gypsy getup was gone. She was still into it, though, waving her hooves around as she whispered, "There is another."

"There is? Who?"

She dropped to all fours and kicked at the ground with a sheepish grin. "Well..."

He waved her off. "I get it. That's a secret too." He sighed and kept walking. "Well, I'm sure someone knows. Later, Pinkie!" He waved at her and hurried off. How hard could it be to find somepony that could tell him? After all, this town was pretty small when it needed to be. Then again, it could get to be pretty big, too. Hopefully, whatever decided that was in a good mood today.

First things first, he'd need to find somepony who could be anywhere they wanted to be, like Pinkie. But who?

After wandering Ponyville for a bit, he found himself in front of the music store. He snapped his claws and grinned. If anyone knew, it must be Vinyl. Vinyl had always made him feel nervous. He hadn't figured out why exactly, but he'd narrowed it down to either the Morse thing or the fact that he'd never seen her eyes. But then, she showed up, quote, "wherever she was needed," end quote. How couldn't she know?

With a firm nod, he threw the door open, only to be thrown into the street by the sheer volume of the music coming from inside. He picked himself up and pushed through the sound wave, even as it grew stronger the closer he got to the counter, which sat between two speakers that were twice as tall as he was. Vinyl was standing behind the counter, happily dancing with her back to him.

Spike dug his claws into the floor and dragged himself across the room and up onto the counter. Here, the sound wave eased up enough that he could stand comfortably on the counter. The volume was still a problem, though, and he wasn't going to risk messing with any of the equipment. Instead, he slowly reached out and tapped her back.

She flinched and whirled around to face him, half a doughnut sticking out of her mouth, staring at him through crooked shades. She finished her snack, then fixed her glasses and smiled at him. Clearly she didn't mind the music, even when it was this loud.

Spike pointed to his ear, then to the speakers.

Vinyl nodded and lit her horn, turning the volume down enough that he could hear himself think. With that done, she tapped the counter rapidly, using Morse code to say, "Hey. 'Sup?"

He shrugged and looked off to the side. "I wanted to ask you something, actually."

"Ask away." Her smile turned small and teasing. "No dating advice."

"Ha ha," Spike deadpanned, "oh, my sides, they have been thoroughly split. Seriously though, I was wondering if you could tell me something."

She tapped a little faster. "Go on."

He grimaced. "Okay, okay. I was wondering how you manage to be in so many places and how you get there so quickly, you know?"

She stared for a moment, then said, "What."

"Well, uh, it's been bugging me for a bit and I thought I'd just ask. There's nothing wrong with that, right?"

More staring. "Nah. 'Many places'?"

"Like the wedding in Canterlot, for one. Pinkie just kinda yanked you from under the turntable. Were you hiding, or...?"

"Setting up during the ceremony. Changelings showed up, wrecked my set. At reception, I was still doing repairs."

"All right, but what about last week, when I saw you at two different gigs in the same hour? And don't say they were at different times either; they were on opposite sides of town, one of them was outdoors, and if I stood at the right place, I swear I could hear both at the same time."

"It was me?"

"Only at one, but after I got a spyglass from home I saw that, yes, you were in both places at once. Care to explain, Ms. Scratch?" He smirked at her, confident that he'd won.

She chewed her lip for a moment, then nodded. "Neon."

It was Spike's turn to ask, "What?"

"A fellow DJ. Needs my pretty face to fill seats and put on his flyers. Uses illusions when I can't make it. I still get paid."

He tapped his chin. It made sense, but something still didn't feel right. "But what about that one time when Pinkie was helping Rainbow study?"

She just frowned and cocked her head to the side.

"Remember? Pinkie was rapping, and you just kinda showed up, but when the song was over, you just--Gah!!" The speakers blared for a second, cutting him off and making him cover his ears.

She lifted her glasses and glared at him with striking red eyes. "Listen. Everypony has secrets, and most have them for a good reason. Get it?"

He nodded his head rapidly, startled by the sudden change.

She relaxed and lowered her shades. "Cool. Sorry if I scared you. Want a doughnut?"

"No, thanks!" He said perhaps too quickly as he hurried out of the store. Once outside, he quickly shut the door behind him and took several deep breaths. Was she bipolar or something? It didn't matter; she knew something, but wouldn't tell him, possibly under threat of deafness. Of course, that only meant he was getting closer. It also meant he was back at square one with no answers.

He shrugged. Nothing else for it but to keep looking.

His stomach growled as he walked through town. He really should have taken that doughnut, or at least brought some money to buy some food. Then again, there's nothing keeping him from stopping by the castle for a bite. He started towards home, soon spotting Bon-Bon heading the same way.

Lucky!

He and Bon-Bon got along well enough, often chatting about the trouble their friends' quirks put them through. Maybe she'd be able to tell him a thing or two about Lyra; after all, she didn't have to take some vow, did she?

Spike hurried to catch up to her. When he right beside her, he said, "Hey, Bon-Bon!"

Bon-Bon stopped and smiled at him. "Afternoon, Spike. How are you?"

He opened his mouth to answer, but his stomach answered for him. He blushed, his face stuck in that expression.

Her smile grew. "Is that right? Lucky for for, I was on my way home for lunch. Care to join me?"

"You sure?"

She nodded and nudged him along. "It's no trouble. I usually have company when I eat."

After lunch, they sat on Lyra's porch while Spike explained what he was after. As he spoke, Bon-Bon sipped from her glass of tea, and kept sipping for a long while after he finished.

Finally, when the glass was empty, she set it on the floor and said, "Let me get this straight. You think Vinyl and Lyra can... teleport? You know they're unicorns, right?"

Spike shook his head. "No, it's something else! I get teleporting, but what they do is just weird! It's like they're everywhere at once."

"Like Pinkie?"

"Exactly! Something's up with those three, and no one's telling me anything about it!" He rested his face in his hands. "It's so irritating."

Bon-Bon chuckled. "Don't drive yourself mad over this, Spike. If I've learned anything from putting up with Lyra, it's that sometimes there's no understanding it. All you can do it let it be."

Spike growled. He learned that lesson a long time ago and it sure didn't apply here. He didn't want to understand it; he wanted to learn how to do that himself! He grabbed Bon-Bon's hooves and said, "Please, Bon-Bon, you have to help me! Can't you at least talk to her about it?" Just to seal the deal, he gave her the best puppy-dog eyes he could, complete with quivering lip.

"Bon-Bon!?"

They looked over at Lyra, who was standing in front of the house with tears in her eyes. A bag of groceries lay forgotten at her hooves.

She looked between them with teary, quavering eyes. "What's going on, Bon Bon? Is this what you do when I'm not home? Run into the arms of some dragon?"

Spike let go of Bon-Bon and stepped away, hands in the air.

"Where do you think you're going!?" Lyra snapped. Her horn glowed and froze him in place as she gathered her groceries and went inside. Bon-Bon offered him an apologetic look before following, shutting the door behind her. Spike crossed his arms and listened to them through the window.

"How long has this been going on, anyway!?" Lyra demanded. "No, wait, why him? Am I not enough anymore?"

Bon-Bon sighed. "Lyra, you're being silly."

"Am I? I'm not the one running off with a dragon! For Celestia's sake, he's a baby! A literal baby!"

There was no answer.

"Bon-Bon? Bonnie? Aw, no, don't give me the face! I was just kidding! I-- Ugh, fine." The door opened, and a sheepish Lyra poked her head outside before being shoved the rest of the way. With a nod, she freed him and said, "Sorry. Just thought I'd have a little fun. What brings you?"

Spike crossed his arms behind his back, trying to hide his concern for the mare's mental health. "I need to now how you're able to be all over the place at once. I've already asked Pinkie and Vinyl, and they won't tell me."

Lyra shrugged. "Well, you should know that I can't tell you, either."

"Can't you at least tell me why not? If I at least knew that, I could give it a rest. And no cryptic mumbo-jumbo either; just give it to me straight."

She rubbed her chin. "Hmm... Nah. Not worth it." She headed for the door.

Spike blocked her path. "Okay, Lyra, last resort: I know about a portal to the human world."

She gasped and seized up, just like he thought she would. She glanced at the windows and used her magic to close the curtains. "What do you know?" she whispered.

He stepped away. "Ah, ah. You first."

She trotted in place and looked back and forth, whining and fretting to herself. For a second, Spike considered passing it off as a joke, or at least getting away before someone showed up and got the wrong idea again. Before he could move, though, she calmed down and said, "Fine, I'll tell you about it. But I won't teach you how, got it?"

He saluted. "Yes, Ma'am!"

She sat down and ran a hoof through her mane. "Alright, let's see... That thing that ponies like Pinkie and I do is called 'Offscreen.' It's a lot like teleportation, but it has different rules."

"Like what?"

"First off, nopony can be paying attention to us. That's why it's called that. You know how, in movies, whenever a character is offscreen, they pretty much stop existing?"

Spike nodded.

"It's a lot like that. If no one's looking, we can pretty much go wherever. That's about it." She lunged at him and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Now, about that portal...?"

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Really? That's it?"

"I never said it was complicated, did I?" She shook him slightly. "Come on, hold up your end of the deal!"

He groaned and rolled his eyes. "Fine. Meet me in the castle throne room tonight. I'll tell you everything there."

"Deal!" She let go of him and bounded back into the house, grinning like a maniac. "Bon-Bon! Guess what!?"

Spike shook his head at her antics and left. Apparently he wasn't getting a good night's sleep tonight; might as well spend the rest of the day trying to wrap this up.

He found himself near the schoolhouse. A class of ponies was playing in the yard. For whatever reason, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were halfway up the flagpole, the flag itself lying on the ground. Would they know anything? Nah. If they did, Ponyville would be gone by now.

A hoof grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around, bringing him face-to-face with... some filly. Who was this? Whoever she was, she was another unicorn, so things were probably about to get strange.

She looked him over. "You're Spike, right? The dragon that's been bugging ponies all day?"

Spike stared at her. Something about her told him that he should know her, but he couldn't remember her to save his life. "Who are you, again?"

"Dinky. Ditzy Doo's daughter."

He stumbled back in shock. "What!? The mailmare? How old is she?"

She shook her head. "That's not important. What is important is that my mom can help you. She'll tell you everything you want to know, if you can find her."

He thought about it for a bit, then sighed and dragged a hand down his face. Why didn't he think of that sooner? He'd probably be running around Equestria to his heart's content by now! "Wait, what'd you mean by 'if'?"

She was gone. He looked around, but the playground was deserted. Obviously, this Offscreen thing ran in the family. Or maybe not, since he saw her waving at him as she was being herded back into the schoolhouse with the other students. He waved back and headed home.

"Where are you...?" Spike said to himself as he watched the mailbox from the bushes across the street. He'd been there for the better part of an hour now for nothing. In that hour, he'd seen six ponies come and go, but none of them touched the mailbox, not even a pony in the full mailpony uniform. What the hay was the holdup!?

There was a rustling to his right. "Who're you looking for?"

"Ditzy Doo. She's supposed to be delivering mail today and I need to talk to her."

"Ooh, hate to bear bead news, but her shift ended an hour ago."

"What!?" Spike whirled around to face them. Of course, it was Ditzy. Made perfect, undeniable sense. He crawled out of the bush, seeing that only her front half was actually in the bush, her rump laying in the road.

She tucked her rear into the bush and poked her head out of it. "So, Offscreen, huh?"

Spike fell to his knees and clasped his hands together. "Yes! Please! I've been all over town for this!"

Ditzy giggled, then squirmed in the bush until she was sitting in it like a reclining chair. "Alrighty, but this'll be a real info dump. Get comfy."

"Wait a sec!" Spike said, holding his hands out in front of him. "I need to go get something!" Without waiting for a response, he dashed into the castle and straight to his room. He tore his dresser apart looking for a notepad, inkwell, and quill. Once he had them, he gathered them up in his arms and turned towards the door.

His bed creaked.

He turned back around to see Ditzy snoozing on his bed. She looked ridiculous, curled up on a dragon-sized bed, but that wasn't important right now. He sat down next to her and shook her gently.

She woke up with a snort, rubbed her eyes, and said, "Okay, first off, what Lyra told you was way off. It's not that we can't be seen to do it, we just can't know anypony's looking. Honestly, you can get away with it if you just ignore ponies hard enough. At least, that's what I do.

"Secondly, it's a bit more complicated than just 'going wherever'. You know how ghost and vampires can walk through walls and stuff? It's more like that. Ponies who use it kinda step out of reality, and then they go wherever. It's how I got here so quick. It's also how I do my job so well, but that stays between us, okay?

"Third, there's a vocational school in a little village to the northeast called Hollow Shades, which is where I learned all this. I can't speak for Pinkie Pie or Vinyl, but Lyra and I were in the same class. Thing is, I never actually finished the training, so whenever I zone out, things tend to... get away from me."

Spike looked up from his notepad as the fiasco with the Pinkie Sense came to mind. "So you drop things."

Ditzy blushed and looked over at two opposite corners of the room. "Drop things, bump into things, get lost. Sometimes I go to sleep and wake up in a totally different place, like a chicken coop. I sleepwalk."

"Isn't that scary?"

She shook her head. "Nah. I can just head back home right away. And I can use it for lots of things, like when I sneak into big events like the Grand Galloping Gala. Last month, I even used it to win the Ponyville Hide-and-Seek Tournament!" She rolled onto her back and kicked her hooves in the air. "You should've seen Pinkie's face!"

"Wait, did you say you broke into the Gala?"

She froze, then sprang to her hooves, making the bed creak. "W-well, not for long! Just long enough to make my deliveries, honest! There's nothing wrong with that, right?"

Spike furrowed his brow. "You know you can just leave them at the front door, right? I mean, unless they have to sign for it..."

"Aw, that's no fun. And you should see the look on their faces when they get their package in the middle a work day!" A huge, sweet smile spread across her face as she laid back down and rolled around in the covers, tangling Spike in them and pressing him against her chest. "Sometimes I get gifts in return. Ponies really like getting things from cute mailmares, I guess."

"Uh, Ditzy," Spike began, noticing that his spines were starting to tear his covers, "you think you could teach me how sometime soon?"

She stopped rolling and squirmed out of the blanket, lightly landing on the floor. "Oh, I don't know, Spike. I told you I didn't finish the class. You're sure you want me to teach you?"

He shrugged the covers off and sat up. "Why not? You're the only one who can tell me all of this, right? I don't see why you can't teach me."

"Is Twilight okay with this? I remember last time she caught me doing sneaking around, she hooked me up to this super weird machine in the basement after I dropped my packages on her head." She kicked at the floor, sending a gemstone into one of the dresser's crystalline legs. The leg snapped, making the dresser tumble to the ground, sending the contents --books and the few clothes he owned-- all over the room. One of them knocked the inkwell off of his lap, and in seconds, thick stripes of ink covered the room.

Three minutes. That had to be a record.

Ditzy looked at the mess sadly, then opened her mouth to speak. "I--

Spike covered her mouth. "Don't say it. Look, the CMC still get tutoring from Twilight on weekends. I'll come visit you then. Okay?"

"Okay, but you don't want me to help clean up? I'm pretty good with a mop."

"No!" He started pushing her out of his room. "Ditzy, isn't school out for the day?"

She sprung into the air, wings flapping. "Ohmygosh! You're right!" She was gone, right before his eyes. He stared at the empty doorway for a moment, then turned around to start cleaning.

"Oh, I am definitely learning how to do that."