It's time we teach you how to not be an autistic and immature little shit

by Lighterlight1887

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, Dark, Alternate Universe, Sad, Tragedy, Random
Length: 953

After having both committed suicide, Chuck Norris and his son Dakota are now in hell. While there, Dakota finds out Rainbow Dash is 21 years old, and goes into a rage mode. Chuck Norris is yet again disappoint, and attempts to teach how to man up.

After having both committed suicide, Chuck Norris and his son Dakota are now in hell. While there, Dakota finds out Rainbow Dash is 21 years old, and goes into a rage mode. Chuck Norris is yet again disappoint, and attempts to teach how to man up.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-01 06:49:02 UTC

21 is just too old

Chuck Norris breathed in the fiery air from hell. He had just killed himself using his amazing cock-- the only thing that could kill Chuck Norris, since only Chuck Norris can kill Chuck Norris. It was then he noticed demons coming to torture him-- it appears it was time to make the demons fear him.

*Two and a half weeks later.*

It had been two and a half weeks, and Chuck Norris was now known as their God, having beaten Satan and raping him in his tiny little asshole. The demons feared him now, and it was a well deserved fear.

He had also found his son, and although massively disappointed in him, decided to free him from his torture. The autistic kid could barely handle all the mares unleashing their period blood on him in his personal torture cell, and although previously angry at his dad, he could not thank him enough now.

"I am still disappoint in you, son." Chuck Norris exclaimed at his child.

"I don't care anymore. I've learned that headcanon is the only real canon!"

"You sicken me." Chuck Norris spat on the ground like a $wag$ter, before walking off. Only mentally defunct 12 year olds still liked him anyway, so it didn't even matter how $waggy he acted.

It was then he came across Bruce Lee.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey." Bruce said in his stereo-typical Asian accent. "How you doing???"

"Hey, don't give me that fucking shit." Chuck Norris responded. "I've already dealt with enough of your shit. I can kick your ass now that I'm here, so I'd stay quiet."

"You know, Chuck. You are selfish." The Asian replied. "You took over hell and raped Satan-- for what?? Only a selfish man would do that!"

"Yeah I don't care-- you still fucked up my reputation. Bye!" And then the Chuck sent Bruce to the next level of hell. "Ah, finally. Maybe now I can beat up the author for his horrendously horrible grammar."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" His thoughts were interrupted by his son's scream of anguish. A scream not of pain, but of horror and shock.

"Damnit! What can it be this time." He walked over to the direction of the screen, to see his son watching My Little Pony on a TV. "....AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He used his Chuck Norris powers to discentigrate the TV, before looking at his son. "Why are you watching this toon shit!"

"RAINBOW DASH IS 21!!! HOW THE FUCK COULD THEY DO THAT!!?!?!?" His son screamed, tears welling up in his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"HOW!?!?!? 21 IS FUCKING HORRIBLE!!! AT THAT AGE PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING GROSS AND UGLY AND FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--"

"STOP IT!" Chuck Norris loudly interrupted, his voice over-whelming as the entire ground shook from it. "Say that again, son?"

"..R-Rainbow Dash is twenty-one.." Dakota replied, on the verge of crying. "..That's horrible... NOBODY LIKES PEOPLE AT THE AGE OF TWENTY-ONE!! THAT'S OLD AS FUCK!! THAT'S JUST--"

"SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Chuck Norris roared, his voice booming across all of hell as he successfully shut up his immature son.

"..What?" Dakota meekly replied, overwhelmed by Chuck's manly shout. Despite the situation though, he couldn't help but be massively turned on by such a manly shout.

"..That... that is the most immature, autistic, infuriating and stupid thing I have ever heard come out of someone's mouth!"

"No you just don't understand! You--"

"SHUT UP BEFORE I PUT YOU BACK IN YOUR CAGE, WHERE ALL THE MARES WHERE DUMP THEIR PERIOD BLOOD ON YOU!" This shut up Dakota instantly, the mere thought of being in there already giving him severe chills. "Now, Dakota. It is an astronomical embarrassment to call you my son, but I'm afraid I am stuck with you for now. I believe it's time to teach you some god damn respect."

"..Okay." His retarded son didn't bother with arguing.

"Now, follow me. I will show you some of hell's burning hot chicks." Chuck Norris then walked off, his son following.

Upon reaching their destination, Dakota could see all the fiery chicks-- flames all around them, only making them hotter. It was then Chuck Norris realized the horrible pun he had earlier made, and cringed at the thought of it. Before the Chuck could speak up, however, his son spoke.

"Wow! Titties!" He exclaimed, pointing at a bright red hell-woman who was exposing a fuck load of cleavage. Chuck then smiled.

"Hmm, good start. Did you know she is twenty-four years old?" The Chuck watched his sons reaction fade from teenage lust and hornyness, to surprise, shock, betrayal and confusion. It took the stupid boy a few seconds to respond.

"I... what?"

"Yes, that chick you see is twenty-four, and she is still as sexy as ever. And she is new here! Look at her!" Chuck then pointed to another female, who almost seemed hotter than the last. "She is Five-hundred thousand, eight-hundred and sixty-seven years old, and she is a lady I'd fuck real hard!"

"I... but..." His stupid son tried to think of a response. "She's not a pony!"

"That's it, I give up." Chuck Norris then Round-house kicked his son, sending him into a place much worse than hell-- The Nether World. It is there that Dakota lived in world of nightmares, with nowhere to hide, nowhere to cry, and nowhere to fap. A horrible place indeed.

"I hope no longer to see such a disgraceful person." He began to walk away, his stomach rumbling from hunger. "Mmm, I suppose I can have some nice lunch." He then ripped off his cock, holding it up to his mouth before taking a bite off of the delicious and chunky meat. A meal even more manly than bacon and hamburgers.