My Beautiful Dark Twisted Reality

by Seandre3000

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Adventure
Length: 17005

Standard HiE, where dude wakes up in the Everfree and accidentally becomes a hero of Equestria. Filled with unnecessary music references.

I'm a mostly normal teenage guy, and like most people my age, I like video games, sports, and music. That all changes when I wake up in the middle of some forest one day. Outside the forest, I find that the world is inhabited by…talking ponies? After somehow getting in the right place at the right time, I'm treated like a hero. I just want to know the answer to three questions: How did I get here? How can I get home? When will I stop using song lyrics in place of regular conversation?

This story is not intended to be dark or twisted, the title was inspired by the Kanye West album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

A shamelessly unoriginal self-insert.
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Disclaimers:
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is property of Lauren Faust and Hasbro Inc. I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic or any of the music named or referenced in this story.

Rated Teen for swearing, violence, drug and alcohol references.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-23 07:37:11 UTC

Contact

Contact

I walked slowly up the dirt road to the cottage, partially out of nerves and partially because I was so tired after walking through the forest for so long. As I got closer to the house, I noticed it had a really weird door. It was built in two sections, split horizontally across the middle, and didn’t have a doorknob that I could see.

Weird doors aside, I also got to thinking about where I was. Based on the style of the house, I guessed I was somewhere in Europe. Probably England or somewhere in Scandinavia, and it could be a historical village or something. This just added to the myriad questions that I had for whoever answered the door.

Finally, I reached the cottage. Taking a deep breath, I knocked three times on the door. From somewhere inside I heard a very soft voice say “Um, just a minute, please...if that’s okay with you.”

I was extremely relieved to hear a voice that wasn’t mine or pre-recorded for the first time. Maybe I could finally get started on finding out where I am, then going back to where I came from. As I waited, I entertained myself by looking at the surrounding countryside. The sun was just beginning to set, making a picturesque view that could have been used for a postcard.

My thoughts were broken by the sound of the door opening. “Hi, my name is Sean and I’m...lost...” I trailed off as I turned and saw who, or rather what, opened the door. It was a light yellow horse-like thing, with pink hair.

We stared at each other for a couple of seconds, then screamed loudly in unison. It slammed the door as I stumbled backwards, struggling to comprehend what I just saw.

I just got screamed at by a pink and yellow horse that opened the door. How is that even possible? I turned and decided that going into the town would (hopefully) not lead to me getting screamed at by any more ridiculously colored horse things. I looked up to find the path into the town, then got distracted by something coming at me. Fast. Focusing on it, I saw it was very colorf-

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Fuuuuuuuuuuck

My head hurt. All I remember is getting screamed at by a horse thing and a flying ball of colors.

The colorful thing. That must have been what hit me. I just gotta get up and find out what it is, then avoid or take care of it. First, I have to open my eyes.

When I did, I almost wished I hadn’t.

All I could see was the largest pair of pinkish-purple eyes I’d ever seen. Come to think of it, they’re the only pinkish-purple eyes I’ve ever seen.

And they didn’t look happy.

I was also aware of some sort of pressure on my chest and my thighs. For my sake, I hope they stayed there or got off me entirely.

“What are you and what do you want to do to Fluttershy?” the eyes questioned with a voice as smooth as sandpaper. I made the assumption that these eyes belonged to a girl, maybe a woman. I wasn’t too concerned about the difference then.

“Well, you gonna talk, or should I make you talk?” the eyes continued.

I wasn’t in the mood for talking to whoever these eyes belonged to. Since my arms weren’t pinned, I carefully picked up a handful of dirt. Then, with a sudden movement, I threw the dirt into the eyes, shielding my eyes with the other hand. While it was stunned, I threw it off me and pushed myself off the ground.

I was expecting a fight now, but I wasn’t expecting my opponent to be one of those horse-things. It had a blue body, rainbow-colored hair, and wings! I was struggling to come up with what I was looking at, since I’d never seen anything like it before.

Now, I’m not an expert on fighting, but I’m pretty sure that you’re not supposed to let your opponent recover after you’ve gotten an advantage over it. While I was racking my brain, the horse-thing got the dirt out of its eyes.

It closed in the distance between us as I closed in on the answer to what it was. Then it hit me.

Pegasus, I thought as I took a punch (front leg kick?) across the face. It was the kind of move that really spins heads. Before I could get myself pointed straight, I felt another impact on my ear.

Ding-ding. It occurred to me that this is how Rocky should have ended, with him getting his ass handed to by an experienced fighter.

Now I was on the ground again. I tried to pick myself up, but was barely able to get to two feet before falling over again. That second impact must have knocked off my sense of balance, too.

My hearing was fine, however.

“Yeah! Rainbow Dash is still the undisputed champ! Nopony messes with Rainbow Dash’s friends and gets away with it!”

So I got beat up by a cocky, rainbow-haired mythical being. The forest was sounding better and better every minute I was out of it.

“Um, Rainbow Dash...you didn’t hurt it, did you? I mean, it’s fine if you wanted to, but, um, not too badly, if that’s okay with you.” This other voice was my current favorite.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but this thing totally wanted to hurt you, you know? Who cares how badly it got hurt?” I do, you asshole.

“Well, it’s just, I’ve never, um...I’ve never seen anything like it. I wanted to know if it was a new animal.” That got my attention. Do humans not exist or something? I’m pretty sure that I’m not in Europe, then.

“Huh. I guess I’ve never seen anything like it. I wonder what it is?” my assailant responded.

“I don’t know, but it’s not moving. Do you think it’s hurt?” the reasonable one said.

I don’t really like getting talked about when I’m in the area but not the conversation. “Maybe you should ask it, since it’s right here!” I yelled out.

There was a pause. “Did...did it just talk?” the rough-voiced one called out.

“No! It’s all in your head!” I answered. “Speaking of heads, mine is really pounding right now, so any help would be appreciated!”

“Oh no. Oh no-no-no-no-no. We can’t just leave an injured animal outside right now, it’s almost dark. Rainbow Dash, help me move it inside,” the softer voice said.

“But it was going to kill you!” the one named Rainbow Dash protested.

“No buts. It’s my job to help every animal I can, even if they’re a little grouchy when we first meet,” the soft one answered.

Try a little tenderness, Rainbow Dash. Then I won’t consider killing you, if anyone, I thought as I felt myself get lifted up. I saw the one that must have been Rainbow Dash, but couldn’t see the other. Rainbow Dash was staring at me with a rather harsh scowl pointed at me.

“Don’t make that face for too long, it’s gonna stick,” I told it, trying to lighten the mood.

“Shut it. I still think you’re an alien trying to take over the world,” it countered.

“Paranoia’s bad for you, you know. It makes others think you’re crazy,” I shot back.

“Um, could you two please stop fighting? Unless you want to fight, then you can keep fighting,” the one I couldn’t see said.

“I’ll stop if you stop. Is that cool with you?” I asked Rainbow Dash.

“Fine, but don’t think I’m not onto your tricks,” it answered.

We got into the house, where I was set on a couch that was slightly shorter than I was. Finally I got a good look at the one who was on my side. It was the same pink and yellow one that screamed at me when I tried the door earlier. It turned and I saw that it has wings, too.

So I’ve been brought into a house by two mythical horses after getting beaten up by one and screamed at by the other. And now they want to help me, I thought. Well, one of them does, I amended.

“Uh, thank you so much for helping me out...” I trailed off as I realized I didn’t have anything to call it. I assumed it was female by its voice, but I didn’t want to get thrown out because I guessed the wrong gender.

“Fluttershy,” it filled in for me. “Now, you stay right there, and I’ll have you patched up in no time.”

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, huh. Those are weird names, but I guess it’s not every day that you meet something that doesn’t exist.

Fluttershy came back with a first-aid kit clamped in its mouth. I’m not sure what that would do for a concussion, which I felt I had, but I wasn’t going to argue while I was its guest.

“Now, tell me where it hurts,” Fluttershy commanded, but still in an unusually soft voice.

“Well, my head hurts. A lot. After I got hit on the ear, I lost my sense of balance, so I think it’s some sort of internal injury,” I said, giving my best diagnosis.

“Hmm. All I can do for that is give you ice for your head and prescribe lots of rest. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

This was uncharted territory for me. Normally, no one would wait on me unless I had some sort of contagious illness.

“I haven’t eaten anything since last night, so could I get some food, please?” I decided being polite was going to get me farther than trying to take advantage of her offer.

“Oh my goodness! No food all day! No wonder you look so terrible,” Fluttershy exclaimed. The sympathy simultaneously touched and insulted me.

“Do you think maybe you could walk with me, then we’ll get you plenty of food to eat,” it offered.

“We’ll see what happens,” I answered. Slowly, I got out of the couch, getting in a frog crouch with both hands on the ground. I stood up carefully, and managed to stand straight with no incident. When I tried to take a step, I immediately fell flat on my face. From some corner of the room, I heard loud laughter from the one called Rainbow Dash, who I hadn’t realized was still around.

“This is not funny, Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy scolded. “How would you like it if you got laughed at because you tried to fly and failed?”

“Well, it’s not happening to me, so I don’t care! That was hilarious, Fluttershy, admit it.”

“Don’t listen to her,” that confirmed one of my suspicions on their genders. “I’ll just help you until you can walk all on your own,” Fluttershy said to me.

“Thanks. Can I...can I lean on you for support?” I asked.

“Of course you can.”

So we continued. I hobbled along, stooped, using a pegasus as a crutch while we traveled towards what must have been the kitchen. Finally, I struggled into a chair that was too short for me. Rainbow Dash flew in, literally, and took a seat next to me. It made me a little uncomfortable, being in such close proximity to something that had already proven it could beat me up.

“If this thing’s getting dinner, is it cool if I stay over too?” she asked Fluttershy.

“Of course, you’re always welcome to stay over,” Fluttershy responded.

I don’t know if she suspected anything, but I’m very confident that food was the last thing on Rainbow Dash’s mind, considering she hadn’t taken her eyes off me the whole time.

“Um, do you have a name? I don’t want to call you ‘strange critter’, unless you want me to call you that,” Fluttershy asked.

“Oh, yeah. I mean, no don’t call me ‘strange critter’. My name’s Sean,” I answered.

“Sean? That’s the weirdest name I’ve ever heard!” Rainbow Dash snorted as she said this.

“It’s from a language I don’t even speak. Besides, I’ve never heard of a weirder name than Rainbow Dash before,” I countered.

“You think my name’s weird? That’s rich coming from a thing that can’t even fight when I have dirt in my eyes!”

I was about to say something, then I realized I didn’t have anything particularly clever to say. Cursing myself for lack of creativity, I turned to Fluttershy, “what do you have to eat?”

“Well, I have eggs, hay, oats, daisies, roses, lilies, and more. What are you interested in?”

“Eggs are good, but I can’t eat any of that other stuff. What about fruits and vegetables?”

“You can have apples, oranges, carrots, broccoli, or potatoes. Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah, that’ll work. I’ll have some eggs, scrambled if you can, apples, and carrots. Please,” I added.

“Okay, it’ll be ready in about 20 minutes,” my savior/waitress informed me. “While we’re waiting, could you please tell us what you are? I’ve never seen any creature like you before.”

It took me a couple seconds to take in the fact that this pegasus had never seen a human before. I’m pretty sure we were all over the world. I noticed that four expectant eyes were staring at me, waiting for my answer.

“I’m a human, homo sapiens if you wanna get fancy,” I said.

“Oh this is so exciting! I’ve discovered a new species! And it literally arrived at my front door, too” Fluttershy looked like she was about to burst with excitement.

Even Rainbow Dash was smiling. “This means I’m the first to defeat an alien race. Yes!” she followed up with a Tiger Woods-like uppercut, nearly clocking me on the head in the process.

The questioning only intensified from there on.

“How did you get here?”

“Is every human as weak as you?”

“Where are you from?”

“Why are you so bad at fighting?”

“Do you have little animals where you come from?”

“Am I the coolest thing you’ve ever seen, or the greatest thing you’ve ever seen?”

With each question, they got closer and closer to my face. Right now, they were practically touching my noses with theirs.

“Uh, I’ll answer what I can after I eat,” I said, but it hardly seemed to change their mood.

Shortly afterwords, the food came out. Scrambled eggs, an apple, and raw carrots. I regretted not asking to have them steamed, but they were edible. One thing that was missing were utensils.

I asked Fluttershy for a fork and knife, which she brought over. As I reached to grab them from the table, Rainbow Dash slapped them out of my reach.

“What was that for?” I demanded, pretty pissed at being denied my tools.

“I still don’t trust you, even if I can easily beat you up,” was her answer.

It was a struggle, but I managed to eat the eggs without burning my hands or mouth too badly. The apple and carrots were obviously easier for me to handle. After going nearly 24 hours without food, I decided this was the most delicious meal I’d ever had in my life.

After I finished, they wanted me to answer their questions, which they helpfully repeated for me in the same fashion as before.

“In order: I don’t know; plenty are stronger than me; a place called Overland Park, in Kansas, in the United States of America; because I’ve never fought before; tons; and not yet.”

This dampened their enthusiasm. Fluttershy looked concerned, while Rainbow Dash seemed to be pouting.

“How can you not know how you got here?” Fluttershy asked.

“Because all I know is that last night I went to sleep in my room and this morning I woke up in the middle of that damned forest over there,” I pointed in the general direction of where I came from.

“You came out of the Everfree Forest? No wonder I’ve never seen anything like you. Do you know how dangerous it is to go in there?”

“No. I don’t even know where I am or how I can get back home.”

“Oh, you poor thing. You can stay here until you find a way home, and I’ll do everything I can to make sure you’re comfortable.”

“Wow...I don’t know what to say...uh, thank you, and you don’t really have to do all this.”

“Don’t you worry about it. I would never let any sort of animal come to harm if I can help it.”

I yawned after that, which made me realize just how tired I was after walking for most of a day.

“Fluttershy, is there any place I can sleep, ‘cause I don’t think I’m gonna stay conscious much longer,” I asked my host.

“Hmm, I don’t have a guest room, so I think you’ll have to sleep in the living room. Will the couch be okay for you?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I answered.

With that, I struggled to my feet and started walking towards the room I was in earlier, where the only couch I’d seen was. I didn’t fall over this time, but it was still slow going.

“If it’s alright with you, I think I’m gonna crash here for the night,” I heard Rainbow Dash say from behind me.

“That’s alright, but you’re probably going to have to sleep on the floor,” Fluttershy replied.

“Thanks, Flutters,” Rainbow Dash said, then I saw her in front of me.

“Listen up, Shen-” she started.

“Sean,” I corrected.

“Whatever. If you try anything funny tonight, I swear I’m going to buck you so hard, you’ll wish you’d never crawled out of the Everfree Forest,” she threatened.

“You got it,” I assured her. “Does that mean I can’t offer you the couch?”

“What?”

“I said, do you want the couch? ‘Cause if you don’t, I’ll be taking it now,” I repeated. If I could get on her good side, this place would be a lot more tolerable.

“I’ll take your offer, but just know that I’m watching you,” she answered.

“Whatever you want,” I replied.

I untied my sweats from my waist, then balled them up to make a pillow. I got on my side, facing Rainbow Dash. She was staring back at me, not breaking her steely glare. She lifted a hoof to her eyes, then turned it around to point at me.

“Good night to you, too,” I said before I drifted off to sleep.

Dark Horse

Dark Horse

As the applause (which was actually just ponies stomping their front feet on the ground) died down, there was a long silence. Everyone in the crowd started nervously murmuring to their neighbors. I don’t know what the typical protocol for this celebration is, but based on my observations, this wasn’t it.

“Is it supposed to take Princess Celestia this long to show up?” I whispered to Fluttershy.

“Not unless something horrible hap-”

She was interrupted by a flash of lightning and thunderclap on the stage. Turning my attention to it, I saw a large black pony with midnight blue hair and tail on the stage. What was weird about this one was that it was taller, yet skinnier than all the other ponies I’d seen. Also, it had a horn, wings, and a set of armor for some reason.

I assumed this was the Princess Celestia that had taken her time to show up, but the entrance was worth the wait.

“That was pretty cool. Is it like this every year?” I asked Fluttershy. When I didn’t get a response, I looked around to find out why she wasn’t talking. I found her cowering behind me, trying not to look at the pony on the stage.

“Is something wrong?” I asked her.

Instead of answering, she curled into a ball.

From somewhere else in the room I heard Rainbow Dash yell “What have done with the princess?” while attempting to fly at the pony on stage. She was held back by an orange pony wearing a...cowboy hat?

Maybe it killed Princess Celestia and took her place, I speculated.

The pony on stage responded by laughing, definitely an evil laugh, if you ask me.

“Am I not royal enough for you? Don’t you know who I am?” was its response.

“Ooh, ooh, I know! Hokey Smokes? Queen Meanie? It’s Black Snooty isn’t it? Black Snooty!” guessed a high-pitched voice from the front of the room.

“Does nopony remember me after my thousand year imprisonment? Does my crown no longer count?” the pony who wasn’t Princess Celestia asked.

“I know who you are!” another voice, this time from the middle of the room, announced. “You’re the Mare in the Moon - Nightmare Moon!”

Nightmare Moon, huh? I have to admit, that’s a pretty badass name. The name and the general reaction from the ponies in the crowd led to me believe that this was some sort of evil pony. Because only evil would make an entrance using lightning and laugh like that.

“At least somepony remembers me. That must also mean you know why I’m here,” the newly christened Nightmare Moon said.

“You’re here to...” the voice faltered, then gulped loudly enough that I could here it all the way from the back.

Nightmare Moon laughed (evilly) again, then announced to the whole crowd, “Remember this day, little ponies, for it will be your last. From now on, you shall live in eternal night!”

Eternal night? Shit’s gettin’ real now. I have no idea if that was a bluff or meant to be taken literally, but the ponies seemed to be interpreting it as the truth.

“Seize her! Only she knows where the princess is!” the pony with glasses demanded.

A couple of pegasi flew at the invader, only to get thrown back by a blast of some sort. Nightmare Moon then laughed at their attempt, and promptly teleported out of the room.

“Come back here, you coward!” threatened to the space where it used to be. A stunned silence came over the crowd, apparently struggling to take in what they’d just seen. I saw a couple of the ponies leaving, then felt Fluttershy nudging my leg.

“We have to go,” she told me, her voice barely above a whisper. We left without saying another word, and I followed her through the streets. Instead of going out the way we came in to town, she led me down a series of streets that ended with us in front a giant tree with doors, windows, and even balconies cut into it.

“What are we doing here?” I asked, confused as to why she’d take me anywhere but back to her house.

“I have to help a friend, and it wouldn’t be very nice to just leave you by yourself.”

That was good enough for me. Whatever help she was providing, I guess I could offer some of my own, as well.

We entered the house to find five ponies and something like a thousand books on the ground. For every book on the ground, there were at least two more on shelves set up all around the circular room. In the middle of the chaos was a purple unicorn, pacing around muttering about finding something called “the Elements of Harmony.”

I recognized Rainbow Dash, but other than that I didn’t know the names of any of the other ponies.

“Hey, Fluttershy. Hey, Shen,” was Rainbow Dash’s greeting to us. Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and turned to us. Their jaws promptly dropped and their eyes grew wide as they saw me.

“W-what is that?” asked the purple unicorn.

“Oh, Shen’s something he calls a who-man. Don’t worry about him, tough. He’s practically harmless and pretty much house-trained,” Rainbow explained. I waved meekly and tried to put on a non-threatening smile.

Suddenly, a pink face appeared in front of mine, but upside down.

“Hiya!” it greeted me.

I jerked my upper body back in an attempt to get away from it. I kept my legs in place, however, which caused me to start falling backwards. Before I could hit the ground, I was caught by two legs and pushed back up to my own.

I saw the same pink face, along with its pink body and slightly darker pink hair, smiling up at me expectantly.

“You must be new here, too! Obviously, ‘cause I’ve never seen anything like you and if I’ve never seen anything like you then nopony else could have because I know everypony in Ponyville and if nopony’s ever seen you before then that means you don’t know anypony and if you don’t know anypony then you don’t have any friends so I’m gonna be your first and say welcome to Ponyville!” she said, progressively speeding up as she kept talking.

When I was certain that she was done talking, I cautiously stuck out my hand towards her. “Alright, I’m Sean. What’s your name?” I said.

“I’m Pinkie Pie!” she said, shaking my hand vigorously with one leg. I actually felt some sort of grip on my hand as she did this. Her name is extremely accurate, I thought.

“I thought Dashie said your name is Shen,” she said, clearly confused by the difference.

“Yeah, I don’t know why she can’t get my name right.”

Pinkie’s sudden appearance and offer of friendship seemed to alleviate some of the tension in the room. The three ponies who I couldn’t name didn’t appear to be as fearful of me (outwardly) as they had when I entered the room.

“Oh well, you have to meet my other friends! That’s Applejack,” she said as she pointed to the pony with the cowboy hat I saw earlier.

“Howdy,” Applejack said, tipping her hat with her hoof. She had a noticeable southern accent, which was odd to me.

“That’s Rarity,” I was directed towards a pure white unicorn with curly purple hair.

“Hello,” Rarity greeted me, with what sounded like a British accent that was equally confusing to me.

“You must know Dashie, ‘cause she said hi to you, and you obviously know Fluttershy since you walked in together, so that just leaves Twilight Sparkle,” Pinkie deduced, continuing her introductions.

The unicorn’s name reminded me of one of the worst decisions of my life, which was reading the entire series of Twilight books in one week when I was in 8th grade. Hopefully, that was the only thing about them she reminded me of.

“We don’t have time for this,” the purple unicorn said, clearly agitated. “We’re supposed to be looking for a book to find information on the Elements of Harmony.”

Pinkie Pie walked over to a shelf on the wall and pulled off a book with her mouth, then tossed it over to Twilight. “The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide,” she said as it sailed through the air. The book stopped flying before it could hit the unicorn in the face, covered in a purple glow as it levitated in front of her.

“How did you find that?” she asked incredulously.

“It was under ‘E’!” Pinkie replied.

I was equally stunned, but by something completely different.

“How is the book floating like that?” I asked, struggling to comprehend.

“It’s just a basic levitation spell. It’s one of the most basic forms of magic there is,” Twilight told me, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

“That’s impossible. Magic’s not real,” I said with conviction.

“You’re looking at an example of magic right now, how can you possibly deny it’s existence?” she said, with a hint of anger creeping into her voice.

“I...uh...whatever,” I gave up my argument since I barely had anything to say. “Don’t you need to be finding out about these Elements of Harmony or whatever?” I gave up arguing since there was no better explanation I could see.

“Right,” she agreed. “There are seven Elements of Harmony, but only six are known: Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honest, Loyalty, and Integrity. The last one is a complete mystery, though. According to this book, the Elements were last known to be in the castle of the royal pony sisters, which is in the-” she gasped.

“Everfree Forest,” she finished with dread.

“Oh, that is horrible! What could be worse than the Everfree Forest?” Rarity exclaimed.

If I remembered correctly, the Everfree Forest is where Fluttershy said I came out of, and it wasn’t that bad when I was there. “I don’t see what’s so bad,” I said.

“Ya don’t see what’s so bad?” Applejack squinted at me. I shook my head and she continued.

“The Everfree forest ain’t natural. The plants grow by themselves, the weather moves by itself, and there’s all kinds of nasty monsters in it,” she explained.

The monsters I could understand being something to be worried about, but weather and plants taking care of themselves? That sounded perfectly normal to me.

“Just avoid the monsters and we won’t have a problem,” I said. “That’s what I did.”

“Did?” Rarity asked me, eyes growing wide. “You mean to say you’ve already been in the Everfree Forest and found nothing wrong with it?”

“It was a little dark, but nothing a lot of walking couldn’t get me out of,” I responded. “I didn’t even see any of these monsters that you were talking about, either.”

If she could have, Rarity looked like she would have gone even paler at the information I presented her.

“Whoa! It’s like you’re some kind of grizzled warrior, who’s been there before and isn’t afraid of anything,” Pinkie said, puffing her chest out from her back legs and using her front ones as arms on her hips.

“It wasn’t that cool,” I muttered.

Twilight started leaving, but her bid for stealth was foiled by the fact that she was in the center of the room.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Rainbow questioned the unicorn.

“I have to go the castle to find the Elements,” she stated.

“Then I’m coming with you.”

“No, you’re not. It’s better if I go by myself.”

“No can do, sugarcube,” Applejack said. “Ah ain’t gonna sit here and let a friend of mine put herself in danger when I could be there with her.”

The rest of the ponies then voiced their intentions to come with Twilight.

“You can count me in,”

“As will I.”

“It’ll be fun!”

“Um...me too.”

All eyes turned to me, waiting for me to say something.

“The chance to get murdered by some super villain? It’s not like I have anything better to do, so let’s get going,” I said.

_____________________________________________________________

The forest was a lot different at night. It actually looked intimidating, and the idea of going into it alone didn’t appeal to me. Luckily for me, I was with a group of ponies, led by Twilight Sparkle. The others were fanned out behind her, with Rainbow Dash flying above, and me bringing up the rear. Pinkie Pie was bouncing - literally - with the group, easily getting two feet in the air each jump.

We had been walking silently since we had left the tree house. Rarity was the first to try to make a conversation, starting with me.

“Sean, is it?” I nodded. “What is that design on your clothing?”

“You mean this?” I said, pointing to my shirt. “It’s just the artwork for my favorite album.” It was a simple red shirt, with the ballerina from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy on it. It wasn’t my favorite album art, but it was better than an image of Kanye having sex with a “phoenix” or his decapitated head with a sword through it.

“But what is the artwork of?” she continued.

“It’s a ballerina holding a glass of wine.”

“And how does that represent the album?”

“No clue, but I liked the album, so I bought the shirt, and that’s all there is to say about that decision.”

“But why would you wear red? It clashes horribly with your mane,” she said. As I’d been told countless times before by my fashion-conscious mom and younger sister, gingers shouldn’t wear red. I didn’t care that much about what I wore, but it bothered them.

“I don’t really care what I look like,” I stated.

Rarity’s interview with me ended there, and we all fell back into silence. The path we were following led us up a mountain, which then forced us onto a path that only let us travel two wide at a time.

After about 15 minutes of walking, I noticed a weird purple smoke was drifting around us. It didn’t look dangerous, but being in a purple haze wasn’t generally a recipe for success.

“Hey, does this smoke look weird to you guys?” I asked, wondering if they were seeing what I saw.

“Well, purple smoke definitely isn’t normal,” Twilight started. “But it’s not impossib-”

She was interrupted by a landslide, which knocked Pinkie and Rarity right off the edge of the path. Twilight was caught by Applejack, while I had managed to grab the edge and was holding on for all I was worth.

“Fluttershy, quick!” I heard Rainbow Dash yell, along with the fading screams of Rarity and Pinkie.

Meanwhile, Twilight and Applejack were having their own conversation.

“What do I do now?” Twilight asked in a panic.

“Let go,” was Applejack answer.

“What!?” I was just as confused as Twilight. Was Applejack trying to kill her? “Are you crazy?”

“No, I ain’t. This is the honest truth. You let go, and you’ll be alright,” Applejack said.

I turned my head to get an idea of what was going on over there, and I saw why Applejack was so confident. Below Twilight, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were waiting, with Rarity and Pinkie watching from farther along the path.

Twilight fell, screaming, for a second, then was caught by the two pegasi and lifted back up to the path.

“Is everypony alright?” Twilight asked the group.

“No! I need a little lift over here!” I called out from my perch on the edge. “And if you could hurry before I fall, that’d be great!”

Rainbow Dash flew over and hovered near me, unsure of what to do next.

“What do I grab?” she asked, right by my face.

“Just grab a leg, then lift it onto the path,” I grunted out.

She did, but not in the way I was expecting. In my head, she would raise my leg around the side, so I could roll sideways. However, she took my leg, lifted it up from behind my head, went up my back and made me do a somersault. It worked, but it felt awkward.

“Thanks,” I said once I pushed myself off the ground.

“No problem,” she said, flying back above the group. I don’t know what happened, but something made her stop assuming I wanted to kill her, and now she was treating me like one of her friends.

Nothing normal’s happened since I got here, why would that be any different? I reasoned with myself.

Luckily for us, the rest of the walk along the mountain was short and uneventful. Back in the (relative) safety of the forest, was a different story. We had only re-entered it for five minutes, and there was already something in our way.

“A manticore!” six voices yelled out.

The roadblock, now identified as a manticore, looked like a rejected Pokemon. It was like a lion from the front, but with fangs coming up from the bottom of its mouth and resting outside it. Unlike a real lion, it also had wings and a scorpion’s tail.

Said manticore did not seem too pleased with our being on its path. To facilitate our understanding of its dissatisfaction, it let loose an extremely loud roar.

Rarity didn’t take kindly to this announcement. Charging up to the manticore, she quickly spun around and kicked at its jaw, making an audible thwap! sound. “Take that, you ruffian,” she said with her strike.

The manticore responded by roaring in her face with enough force to blow her curls into a frizzy mess similar to Pinkie’s do. “My mane!” she wailed before running back to a safe distance from the manticore.

Applejack stepped up next, employing a similar strategy as Rarity did. The manticore countered by batting her back with a paw, sending the pony flying back to where she started.

“Aren’t you going to attempt to show this brute some manners?” Rarity quizzed me as Rainbow Dash was repelled by the beast. “I do believe you said you were willing to risk death when we were in the library.”

“I said I was willing to get killed by Nightmare Moon,” I said. “In the world of assisted suicide, there are certain standards you have to live up to. I’m not gonna give this guy the privilege of doing someone else’s job.”

Twilight evidently had decided playtime was over. “Playtime’s over, kitty. Charge, girls!” she said commanded, with all but Fluttershy joining her in a coordinated assault on the manticore.

“Stop!” Fluttershy yelled as she jumped in front of the stampede. “Let me take care of this,” she said as she calmly trotted up to the manticore. She didn’t even hesitate as she got into striking distance of the manticore, who was snarling at the pegasus.

“Now now,” she cooed as if it were just a small kitten, “it’s gonna be okay you poor, little baby.”

“Little?” Rainbow Dash questioned.

“This might hurt just a teensy-tiny bit,” she told the manticore. Then, she pulled a huge thorn out from one of its paws. The manticore growled for a little bit, then it started purring. That wasn’t the end, because it licked Fluttershy’s hair in affection.

“How did you know the thorn was in its paw?” Twilight asked Fluttershy once the latter was released.

“I didn’t, but sometimes we all just need a little kindness,” was the answer.

And I thought I had a fucking death wish.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The trek through the forest to this mysterious castle continued, with two more obstacles behind our group.

The first had been a bunch of faces popping up in a particularly dark area of the forest. Most of the faces were simple scary faces, that were more about shocking you because of their sudden appearance than by being scary on their own. But one, one was legitimately scary no matter how much time I had to prepare for it.

“Oh God, Justin Bieber!”

Luckily for us, Pinkie wasn’t the least bit fazed by the faces. She just laughed in their faces. Then she started singing about how you have to laugh at your fears to make them disappear. Lo and behold, laughing at the faces made them fade out of existence, and with our combined efforts, the faces were cleared up in seconds.

The second event was a sea serpent (which I just learned totally exist in this place) who was in despair because of an uneven mustache. Excuse me, “moose-tache,” as he said. Apparently, the loss of half of his mustache was enough for him to get into a very dramatic fit about his predicament, conveniently blocking our way across the river he resided in.

I wasn’t sure if this sea serpent, who I was led to believe was male, was gay or not. If he was, he was doing absolutely nothing to challenge any of the stereotypes against gays.

Rarity, unwilling to let “such a crime against fabulosity go uncorrected,” started by buttering up the serpent with compliments, before admitting that he was hideous without his mustache. She then ripped a scale off his body, sliced off the majority of her tail, and levitated it up to the serpent, where it fused onto the mustache-less side of his face.

Rarity is metal as fuck, I noted.

Despite the glaring mismatch, the serpent was more than delighted with his new facial hair, and allowed us to cross the river using him as a bridge.

Which brings us to now. We were back to the boring walking that always seemed to happen after something interesting occurred.

I was just about to comment on how this cycle had seemed to exist when I saw two silhouettes standing in the path, right in front of a bridge.

The thing about these silhouettes, was that they were definitely not pony-shaped, or the shape of any other animal or thing that I’d seen since I woke up yesterday.

They were human-shaped.

Getting closer, the silhouettes became solid objects, confirming my theory that there were people in the way. The people in question were dressed in black suits, with white shirts and black ties under them. Also, they were wearing sunglasses, despite it being the middle of an eternal night.

Great, now I’m getting jumped by the Men in Black, I lamented.

“Sean, are these friends of yours?” Twilight asked me.

“No idea. Stay behind me and let me do the talking,” I responded.

“Gentlemen,” I said, addressing the suits, “what can I do for you today?”

“Sean Wilson?” the one on the left asked.

“Yes,” I said. I named this one Agent Smith, which naturally made the other one Agent Wesson.

“We’ve been looking for you. You need to come with us,” Smith said.

“Why should I?” I shot back.

“Your parents have been worried about you, and we’ve been tasked with bringing you back,” he said.

“Prove to me that you’ll actually bring me back,” I demanded.

“You’re 16 years old, born near Los Angeles, California, currently a junior in high school. You think “Hey Ya!” by Outkast is the best song in existence, but prefer Kanye West as an artist for reasons you can’t explain. The only sport you play is soccer, but you follow basketball more closely,” Smith told me. “Would you like me to go on?”

“What does that prove?” Everything they said was true, but it didn’t have any relevance to the situation or my question.

“Only the NSA could learn all that in such a short time,” Wesson finally spoke up.

“I’ll give you that,” I conceded. “Right now, I’m kinda in the middle of something, so if you could let us continue on our way, that would be nice.”

“I’m afraid we can’t do that,” Smith told me.

“Oh?”

“We were told to bring you back, by any means necessary.”

“Well, I can’t do that, because I’m a little busy at the moment.”

“Do I need to tell you about your browser history in the past month?” Wesson threatened.

Oh shit.

“N-n-n-no, we don’t have to go there,” I blurted out. “We can work something out. Tell you what, if I’m alive this time tomorrow, you can take me wherever you want.”

“Unfortunately, we can’t allow you any leeway in this decision. Don’t you want to see your parents again?” Wesson said.

“Yeah, but...I made a promise of sorts that I was going to help stop this Nightmare Moon character, and I can’t go back on that now.”

“I’m sure Madeline would be disappointed to hear that,” Wesson said.

That’s it.

“Fuck you!” I yelled as I swung a punch right at Wesson’s jaw. It didn’t connect, but not for the reasons I was expecting. My hand just went right through him as he disintegrated into smoke. I quickly turned to launch a kick into Smith’s groin, and was met with the same result as before.

That’ll teach them to taunt me with a girl who doesn’t even like me.

“You alright there, sugarcube?” Applejack asked me. I noticed that I was breathing heavily and my fists were still clenched.

Taking a deep breath, I unclenched my hands. “Yeah, I’m okay,” I assured her, but it didn’t sound convincing.

“Who were those guys?” Rainbow Dash wanted to know.

“If they were real, they would have been employees of my home’s government.”

“What’s a Madeline?” Pinkie prodded.

“I’m not talking about it now. Let’s just get across this bridge.”

I took a step onto the bridge, which was suspended by two ropes on the side with wooden planks to walk on. Almost immediately, the bridge rope snapped from my weight as I scrambled back onto solid ground.

“Uh, now what?” I asked, inspecting the damage I caused.

“Leave it to me!” Rainbow Dash said. “I’ll just fly over to the other side and tie it up real quick!” With that, she was off.

So we waited. I was avoiding eye contact with the ponies, just so I didn’t have to answer any questions about...her. The seconds turned into minutes, which seemed to stretch into eternity. I wondered what could have possibly been taking the colorful pegasus when she finally returned.

“Sorry about that, got a little caught up with something, but I never leave my friends hanging!” she announced. “The bridge is all safe to cross now.”

We got into a single file line, me bringing up the rear this time. The bridge didn’t break under our combined weight, and we crossed without incident. On the other side, a castle was revealed through the parting of the fog.

“Well, here we are: the castle of the royal pony sisters,” Twilight said. “The Elements should be in here.”

Inside the castle, it was a short walk to the first room, where a statue was sitting in the center of it. It was similar to a model of the solar system, with one big ball in the middle and six smaller ones around it at varying heights.

“There they are. See if you can get them down,” Twilight said upon seeing the statue. We complied, each of us grabbing one of the stone balls and bringing it back to her. The one I picked up was heavier than I expected, considering it was barely a foot in diameter.

“One, two, three, four, five...that’s only six,” Pinkie said, counting our spoils.

“Where’s the seventh?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“The book said: when the six are present, a spark will cause the seventh Element to be revealed,” Twilight quoted.

“What’s that mean?” I asked.

“I don’t know, but I have an idea. I don’t know what’s gonna happen, so stand back,” Twilight said.

“Come on, then. She needs space to concentrate,” Applejack said, leading us out of the room.

We waited outside while Twilight worked her magic or whatever it took to make that “spark” appear. The tension in the air was noticeable as we sat in silence. That silence was broken when Twilight’s voice broke it with a scream, which sent us into action immediately.

As we ran back to where we left her, we were all yelling out some form of acknowledgement that we were coming to save her.

“...can destroy the Elements of Harmony? Well, you’re wrong, because the spirits of the Elements of Harmony are right here,” I heard Twilight saying as we came into the room.

“What?” Nightmare Moon, who was on the far side of the room, questioned the unicorn. I was thinking the exact same thing.

“Applejack, who reassured me when I was in doubt, represents the spirit of... honesty!

“Fluttershy, who tamed the manticore with her compassion, represents the spirit of... kindness!

“Pinkie Pie, who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger, represents the spirit of... laughter!

“Rarity, who calmed a sorrowful serpent with a meaningful gift represents the spirit of... generosity!

“Sean, who offered to help me even though he didn’t know me, represents the spirit of...integrity!

“And Rainbow Dash, who could not abandon her friends for her own heart's desire represents the spirit of... loyalty!

As she said each of our names and what we’d done a golden necklace appeared out of nowhere and clasped itself around our necks. Of course my first experience wearing one would be in the middle of some fight between talking ponies.

“You still don’t have the last Element! The spark didn’t work!” Nightmare Moon said, though it sounded desperate.

“But it did! When I realized how happy I was to hear and see you coming, that’s when I realized that you’re all my friends! You see, when the Elements are ignited by the spark inside us, it creates the seventh Element: magic!” Twilight said.

With that, a seventh rock ball came down from the ceiling, nearly blinding me with its brightness. It broke up and presumably became a necklace for Twilight.

And that’s when things got really trippy.

We all started floating in the air, necklaces shining away. Then, a rainbow beam came out of the necklaces and shot at Nightmare Moon.

“Noooooooooo!” Nightmare Moon yelled as the beam hit it.

Then there was an even brighter flash right before I blacked out.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I finally came to, head pounding.

I really can’t let this become a theme, I thought.

“Is everypony alright?” Applejack asked in general.

No one answered, but the other chatter indicated everyone was.

Fluttershy and Rarity were fawning over their necklaces, which made me want to inspect mine.

My necklace, however, was easily the best in the room.

It was a dollar sign. Made out of what looked like emeralds. Encased in gold.

I have become every bit the pimp I have dreamed of being, I thought.

Looking around at the others’ necklaces, I saw that they all had designs that appeared to be made out of jewels. Fluttershy had a pink butterfly, Rarity a purple diamond, Applejack an orange apple, Pinkie a blue balloon, and Rainbow Dash had a red lightning bolt. Twilight was actually wearing a crown, with pinkish starburst on it.

A glowing light came from outside the room, which turned out to be the sun. The sun rose faster than any sun had a right to, and followed that up by sending a ball of light into the room. The ball of light then flashed before revealing a large white pony that with a similar body structure to Nightmare Moon. This one had wavy hair that looked like the northern lights and was wearing gold boots and chest plate.

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight exclaimed before kneeling. I assumed this is who I was supposed to see before Nightmare Moon made its appearance earlier today.

The others kneeled after recognizing the princess, and I followed suit after a few seconds.

“Twilight Sparkle,” the princess acknowledged the unicorn. Her voice sounded every bit like the royalty that her title indicated. “I knew you could do it.”

“But...you told me it was an old mare’s tale,” Twilight protested.

“I told you that you needed to make some friends, nothing more. I was aware of the signs of Nightmare Moon’s return, and I knew you had the magic inside you to defeat it, but you needed the power of friendship before you could unleash it,” the princess explained. “Now there is one more who needs to accept friendship into her heart: Princess Luna!”

Our attention was directed to where Nightmare Moon had been standing. In its place was a pony that was between the size of Princess Celestia and the other ponies. The other princess had navy blue with a lighter shade of blue for hair. The horn and wings remained. She gasped upon hearing her name.

“It has been a thousand since I have last seen you,” Celestia continued. “It is time to put our differences behind us. We were meant to rule together, little sister.”

“Sister?” the rest of us all said at once.

“Will you accept my friendship?” Celestia continued, ignoring us.

“Yes! I’ve missed you so much, big sister!” Luna said.

“I’ve missed you, too” Celestia admitted.

They leaned into each other after that, sharing a moment. Pinkie blew her nose with a handkerchief that I hadn’t seen before.

“You know what this calls for?” the pink one asked. “A party!”

Too Close

Too Close

“That’s a wonderful idea. Everypony gather around me and I will return us to Ponyville,” Celestia said. We all complied, some quicker than others. I had no idea how standing close to the princess would get us out of the castle.

“Brace yourselves, this may be disorienting,” she advised. With that, a blinding flash preceded the feeling of getting, pushed, pulled, and twisted in every direction at once. Disorienting didn’t even begin to describe the experience.

I felt myself stop moving before I could see anything. Rubbing my eyes to get the dark spots out of my eyes took me a few seconds. When my vision fully returned, I saw that I was back in the town hall, but on the stage instead of the far end of the room.

I was giving the idea that magic was a thing here more credibility, since it did a much better job explaining what just happened the past few hours than anything else I could come up with.

The assembled ponies had all silenced themselves at our sudden entrance, then cheered upon seeing their princess alive and well. Their cheering gave way to silence again as they looked to the stage, awaiting something.

“Sorry for the delay, my little ponies, but it is with great pleasure that I now announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration,” Celestia said. The cheering returned, louder than before.

“What’re you waiting for? Let’s party!” Pinkie said.

And party they did.

Music almost immediately started blaring from speakers by a pony on a turntable, food was set up around the edges of the room, and balloons and streamers fell from the ceiling.

I immediately went for the food since I hadn’t had anything to eat all day. I found a plate and began stacking it with brownies, cookies, cake, and other foods that were clearly part of a healthy breakfast. I moved on to filling a cup with punch, ponies moving out of my way and giving nervous glances to either me or their friends nearby. Once I got my drink, I took my spoils to a corner of the room and sat down, wasting no time going to work.

I wonder if I can make this into a chain, I mused while I bit into a cookie. The necklace wasn’t bad, it was actually pretty nice. But I’d rather wear a chain than a necklace if I was going to be wearing it consistently.

Also, Elements of Harmony isn’t a good enough name for them. Something like Pimpin’ Jewelry of Kickass is more appropriate.

My thoughts continued on this path for some time. Pinkie came over to see if I was enjoying the party. I answered in the positive; I wasn’t really into socializing with people, and doing so with ponies was lower on my list of interests.

As I was finishing my food and about to get seconds, I saw that I had company. “How long have you been there?” I asked the mint green unicorn. Her unblinking stare and smile were creeping me out.

“Only a couple minutes,” she said. “What’s that?”

“This?” I said, pointing to the necklace.

“Yeah.”

“I’m told it’s called an Element of Harmony, but I don’t really kn-“

“Not that. The thing on the end of your foreleg,” she clarified.

“You mean my hand?” I asked as I wiggled my fingers. She nodded without saying anything. “It’s not much. I use it to grab stuff, mostly.”

“Hands...” she said dreamily. Wherever my hand, her eyes followed. This gave me an idea. I moved my hand around her head, making her eyes dart around to watch it like I would with a cat. This entertained me for a little bit, before I remembered that I had more food to devour.

“Can I...can I touch it?” she asked right before I left.

“I guess.” I have no idea why I was letting this stranger touch my hand, but I’ve made worse decisions.

The unicorn squeaked with excitement before grabbing my hand with her front hooves. Then, she started rubbing it across her face.

“It’s so nice,” she told me. “I can’t imagine how great life must be with hands. I wish I had my own.”

“I’m rather fond of it myself,” I said while mentally recoiling from the image of a pony with hands in place of hooves.

“Can I have my hand back?” Seriously. The staring and smiling was creepy, but this was reaching levels that were exponentially higher on that scale.

Unfortunately, my words fell on deaf ears, with my hand still being rubbed against a pony’s face against my will. Finally, I jerked my hand away from the unicorn and started walking to the food table.

“No! Come back!” she cried.

I ignored her and went on my merry way. I resolved to avoid her for the rest of the party if I could help it.

Back at the food table, I found Pinkie eating cake. Not the conventional way, however. No, she was eating them whole, even though one of them was definitely bigger than her head.

I guess more food is out of the question, I thought with a sigh. Oh well, I can try to socialize.

“Hey Pinkie, what’s up?” I greeted her.

“Oh, just enjoying these super-duper scrumpdiddlyumptious cakes right here,” she said. “Did you make any new friends in the corner? Did you make friends with the corner?”

“I met this green unicorn who was strangely interested in my hands, but other than that no,” I said.

“You must’ve met Lyra! She can be kinda weird sometimes, but she’s really nice,” she said, walking away from the table.

“The only adjective I’d use to describe her right now is creepy,” I said as I followed her. “She started out by staring at me for a few minutes, then rubbed my hand on her face.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll like her when you get to know her better.”

“I hope you’re right.”

Pinkie led me to a group with the other ponies I could name and the princesses. They were listening to Celestia tell them something.

“...shall remain in Ponyville to give me weekly reports on your findings of the magic of friendship,” I caught her saying.

“Thank you so much, Princess. I won’t let you down,” Twilight said.

“You never do, my faithful student. Now if you’ll excuse us, my sister and I need to return to Canterlot. Before we leave, however, could each of you take off your Elements? They’ll be safe until they’re needed again,” Celestia said.

I took mine off, while all the others had theirs levitated off before floating towards the princess. I held mine out, which levitated off to join its companions.

“Thank you. Now, Luna, our chariot awaits.” She chuckled a little as she said the last part.

After she left, Applejack spoke up. “Well Twilight, Ah think it’s great that you’re stayin’ in Ponyville for the long haul. You’re gonna love it here.”

“It really is a fabulous small town,” Rarity added.

“I’m sure it is, and it’s great that I have such great friends here, too,” Twilight said. Then she turned to me, “But what about you?”

“What about me?” I was puzzled.

“Rainbow Dash told me that you just showed up one day, so you must be new to this town, too,” she said. “But you don’t seem to have a place to live.”

“You’re new here, too!? I have to get a welcome to Ponyville party ready for you, too!” Pinkie yelled.

“I’d prefer if you didn’t,” I told her. “Anyways, I slept at Fluttershy’s last night, but I’m homeless as of right now.”

“That simply will not do!” Rarity said. “Any friend of mine is welcome to stay the night should they need it.”

“We got plenty a space over at Sweet Apple Acres,” Applejack said. “You could stay with us until you get your hooves under ya.”

“Ooh! It could be like a sleep over every night,” Pinkie said. “Well, as long as the Cakes say it’s okay.”

“There’s a spare room in the library,” Twilight said. “This could be a great learning opportunity for both of us.” Something about the way she said learning experience was strange to me, but I ignored it since I was being offered a place to sleep.

“You can stay with me if you want to,” Fluttrershy said. “Unless you don’t want to, that is.”

“Don’t look at me,” Rainbow Dash said. “My house is made out of clouds. There’s no way you could get up there.” I’d just have to take her word for that. Surprisingly, it wouldn’t be the weirdest thing I’ve seen.

“Thanks, guys. You don’t have to do this for me,” I said.

“Nonsense!” Rarity declared. “We would be completely remiss if we were to deny help to a friend in need.”

Everyone else voiced their agreement with Rarity. Before I could thank them again, a new voice joined our group’s.

“There it is! That’s the one I’ve been talking about, the one with the hands,” the voice said, sighing out the last word.

“I don’t see what’s so great about them. They just look like stubby claws without any of the pointiness,” a different voice said.

Turning, I saw the same unicorn that had tried to keep my hand from earlier. Lyra, that’s what Pinkie said her name was. She was joined by an off-white pony with blue and pink hair in weird curls. I assumed this was the one who was skeptical about my greatness.

“You can’t touch my hand again, if that’s what you’re thinking,” I told her, trying to solve the problem before it begins.

“Why not?” she whined.

“Because I said so!” Wow, I’m beginning to sound like a parent talking to their child.

“Just drop it, Lyra,” her friend said. “It’s really not worth it.”

“It is worth it! Once you experience hands, there’s no way you can go back,” Lyra said. I agreed with her opinion, but I’m not gonna tell her if it can get me away from her.

“Now, put your hands where I can feel ‘em,” she demanded.

“No,” I said.

“I didn’t want it to come to this, but you leave me no choice,” she said. Then her horn started glowing, and my hand started, too. Then, my hand was being pulled towards her, completely against my control. I pulled back, not wanting to let my hands fall into her...hooves, I guess.

“Give. Me. My. Hand. Back.” I grunted while we were locked in a stalemate.

“Not. Until. I. Have. It.” she said.

This continued for a minute or so, neither of us moving an inch. Finally, Lyra’s friend batted her on the horn, which released the force on my hand. With nothing to fight against, I stumbled backwards a few steps, ultimately falling over.

“Leave the poor thing alone, it clearly doesn’t want you to touch its hands, so you should respect its personal space,” she said.

Lyra didn’t appear to be hearing any of her friend’s (expert) advice. She was walking closer to me, with a crazy look in her eyes.

I got up and started backing away, not willing to break my line of sight with her. She just started walking faster, which made me back away faster.

Suddenly, she broke into a run, moving faster than I could backwards.

Are you ready for some football? I thought. I waited until she was only five feet from me, then juked to the side and started running in the opposite direction. I weaved through the crowd, making a beeline for the nearest exit. Towards the end, I actually hurdled over one of the ponies, earning a shocked gasp from my “victim.”

I burst outside the door without stopping, eyes darting around to find somewhere to run. The road I was on was rather wide, which didn’t offer much in the way of hiding places.

“Your hands will be mine!” I heard from behind me, signaling Lyra’s emergence from town hall.

“Never!” I yelled. Glancing back, I saw she was gaining on me. Taking a hard cut, I turned right down the first road I could. I figured changing directions frequently would give me an advantage against a quadruped, basing it off absolutely nothing but a hunch.

As I ran, every song I could think of that had the word ‘run’ in it popped into my head.

Run, run, run, run...

Too slow.

Let me see if you can run it, run it

This isn’t a party.

A little sprintin’ motherfucker that they won’t catch

That’s more like what I’m looking for.

With my song choice solidified, I continued trying to get away from the deranged unicorn. There weren’t a lot of ponies in the streets, but the ones I did see stopped what they were doing to watch the strange spectacle unfolding. It definitely wasn’t every day that you saw a human on the run from a unicorn who just wants to touch his hands.

I took a turn at almost every opportunity available, at one point doing a lap around the same block three times because it was convenient. The whole time, Lyra kept up her pursuit and chatter, which I sometimes responded to.

“Let me have it!”

“No!”

“But I want it!”

“That’s too bad!”

“I must feel it on my face again!”

I didn’t want to say anything to that, so instead I focused on getting away from the obsessed unicorn.

Finally, after what felt like a couple of miles, I lost my pursuer. I gradually slowed to a stop as I caught my breath. I had no idea where I was, but that was okay with me as long as I didn’t see Lyra.

Once my breathing was back to normal, I took the opportunity to inspect my surroundings. The buildings all looked similar, light brown wood with a darker brown trim and thatch roofs. Some of them had signs that labeled them as stores, such as the oddly specific Quills & Sofas, while others weren’t. I assumed the ones that were unmarked were houses.

There were also ponies around, and they were much more diverse than the houses. Color coordination didn’t seem to be a concern, as there were some color combinations I’d never suggest, like a light purple body and teal hair.

They weren’t doing anything spectacular; most were standing around talking, walking and talking, or sitting and talking. One was watering flowers, using its mouth to carry the watering can.

None of them seemed to be particularly interested in getting near me, giving me a noticeable berth. Whenever I looked towards any of them, eyes were averted and conversations became much more interesting.

I wasn’t bothered by this, because I wasn’t planning on talking to anyone. I wasn’t planning on doing anything, actually. I was still lost, so wandering aimlessly was all I could do until I found something I recognized.

Rounding a corner, I bumped into something I recognized. It was green, with aquamarine hair and yellow eyes. And it happened to be very happy to see me, if its smile was anything to go by.

“I found you,” Lyra said, singing the second word. Then she got right in front of me, obviously making a move for my hands. I held them up as high as I could, out of her reach.

Running probably wasn’t an option this time. Even if it was, I didn’t really want an encore of my earlier performance. So I admitted defeat.

“All right, here’s the deal,” I said. “You can have one hand for fifteen seconds as long as you promise to leave me alone afterwards. Otherwise, you’re gonna learn another thing that hands can do. Understand?”

She nodded, her smile (somehow) growing larger as I lowered my right hand for her. She inspected each finger individually, bending each of them in order. She couldn’t figure out how to straighten them, though. Just as she was pulling my fist towards her face, time ran out.

“B-but I wasn’t finished,” she whined as I took possession of my hand again.

“That’s too bad, but we had a deal, and you agreed to it,” I reminded her.

“Can I please have 15 more seconds?”

“No.”

“Pleeeeee-”

“Get out of here before I make you.”

That incredibly empty threat worked, and she walked away, but not before giving me one last pleading look. I gave her an expressionless stare in response, which finally did it.

Sighing, I walked over to a nearby bench and sat down.

Are all the ponies here as crazy as she is?

Lost In The World

Lost In The World

I woke up suddenly, with my heart pounding away. The only explanation that came to my mind was the result of some dream I couldn’t remember. For about a minute, I kept my eyes closed and allowed my heart beat to return to normal. When I realized I wasn’t going back to sleep, I decided it was time to get my day started. Nothing prepared me for what I saw when I opened my eyes.

A tree.

In fact, a ton of trees. A forest of them, actually.

This is not the room I’m pretty sure I went to sleep in last night. For starters, I’m not even in a building at the moment. Looking around, all I can see are trees, grass, and dirt.

This has to be the most immersive dream of my life, right? There’s no way I could’ve gotten taken from a house in the middle of the suburbs and dropped into a random forest without waking up.

I had to wake myself up somehow. Grabbing my wrist, I dug my fingernails in as hard as I could without drawing blood.

The pain was real.

This was not a dream.

All right, this is no time to panic. Breathe in, breathe out.

Standing up, I decided to take inventory of the situation. I was fully clothed, with a hoodie, sweat pants, t-shirt, shorts, socks, and shoes on. Digging through my pockets, I found my iPod  and headphones. Of course I wouldn’t be carrying my phone around the one time I really need it.

So, I’m in the middle of some random forest, with no way to contact anyone, fully dressed and unharmed. This is the weirdest kidnapping ever.

First thing I need to do is find out where the I am. From the ground, I can’t make out anything distinctive about this forest. If I climb to the top of a tree, though, I can hopefully find some indicator of civilization.

I found a relatively low hanging branch and began working my way up the tree. It wasn’t particularly hard, since I’d had experience climbing trees for most of my childhood. Starting in my early teens, I’d also become a big fan of parkour, though that only really made me climb things that weren’t trees.

After a couple minutes of climbing, I reached a spot near the top where I could see a good distance in all directions. What I saw didn’t inspire much confidence. Trees in every direction.

Looking closer, I could see that the forest got noticeably thinner in one direction, and a little thicker the in the opposite one. I decided I was more likely to find civilization outside of the forest, so I made a mental note of the direction as I began my descent.

Once I reached the ground, I realized how different the climate was from what I was equipped for. I was dressed for winter, but it felt more like summer. I had to take off my sweats to stop from overheating just by standing there.

Tying the sweats around my waist, I was almost ready to start on leaving the forest. Before I could do that, I needed some music.

Fishing out my iPod and headphones, I decided to play the shuffle game.

Alright iPod, where am I?

“Lost In The World” by Kanye West was its answer.

Real funny, just laugh at my pain.

On that surprisingly appropriate song choice, I started walking.

_ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Over the next few hours, I had settled into a routine. Walk for about 15 minutes, climb a tree, confirm or correct the direction I was headed in, repeat.

The whole time I was listening to whatever music happened to be playing. While my music was predominantly rap (which my family never tired of making fun of me for) I also had classic and modern rock, some EDM, pop, and even a little bit of soul.

My walk was extremely uneventful, with the only really noteworthy events being what song was playing at the time and occasional changes in direction.

Even the forest was unremarkable. The trees all looked the same to me, just closely packed so that the light that filtered through the trees made it seem like a perpetual twilight had befallen the forest.

I entertained myself by singing along with my songs, doing my best to mimic the voices of Kid Cudi, Daft Punk, Katy Perry, or Otis Redding. As a normal guy trying to imitate people who sounded nothing like me, I fell short. No one was around to judge me, so I didn’t care.

Every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of some birds or a squirrel, but for the most part the wildlife was either avoiding me or just not around. This didn’t bother me, since I didn’t want to encounter a predator, such as bears.

On one of my many trips up the trees of this unnamed forest (I decided to call it the Goddamned Forest) I found something worth celebrating. Very far off in the distance, I could just make out what looked to be the roofs of buildings.

I was so excited I literally screamed out of joy, nearly falling out of my perch in my excitement. I caught myself before I could fall, then decided to continue celebrating on the ground, where I could cause less pain to myself.

With a new found purpose, I set off towards this civilization.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Joy and excitement can only take you so far.

I came to this conclusion after I realized I hadn’t eaten or drank anything all day. My iPod said it was a little after 11, and I had started at some time near 7.

I needed to find food or water, but I had no experience with survival situations, so I didn’t know how to find either, or how to tell if it would be safe for human consumption. If I found something that looked moderately safe to eat, I’d go for it. As it stood, I hadn’t seen a single berry, fruit, or drop of running water. Hunting was out, since I had nothing to hunt with and my aforementioned lack of experience.

I was getting closer to the buildings I had seen, but it was slow going. I frequently found that I had been walking parallel to them when I climbed the trees to judge my progress, and fatigue was starting to set in.

I decided it was time to take a break, so I unceremoniously dumped myself by the nearest tree and took my headphones out. It took my ears a few minutes to adjust to the quiet of the forest after having my music blasting for almost 5 hours straight.

Leaning back, I heard a quiet but constant sound from somewhere in the forest. It was kinda like the sound of running water...

Wait.

My eyes shot open, almost unwilling to believe if what I suspected was true. I had to find the source of this sound. I wanted it to be true, but I wasn’t ruling out the possibility of hallucinations at the moment.

Slowly getting up, I cupped my hand around my ear to try to find out where the sound was coming from. Taking a few steps in each direction, I eventually decided it was coming from behind and to the left of the tree I had been leaning on.

I kept my hand to my ear as I cautiously approached the sound. It wasn’t much, but I could notice it was getting louder each step I took.every few steps I took.

Not long after, I was rewarded with the greatest thing to happen to me all day.

A stream.

The water was running, and it was more than a little trickle. It was a couple feet wide and looked to be a few inches deep.

Walking up to it, I put my hand in, which was greeted by the cool and totally real sensation of water running past it. Next, I cupped my hands and brought them up to my mouth. My mouth confirmed what my hand had reported, so I kneeled down to the water and drank in large gulps.

Never have I been so happy to drink regular water, but my circumstances were a little more extreme than anything I had previously encountered. The water didn’t seem to be dangerous, but I probably wouldn’t have noticed until much later, anyways.

Now that I’d taken care of the most pressing need, I decided to investigate my new discovery. I wanted to see where this stream went, so I climbed up yet another tree. Keeping view of the stream most of the way up, then a mental image of it once I lost sight of it, I found out that the stream was pointed almost directly towards the building I had seen earlier. This was great news for me, since it would most likely eliminate the need to climb trees as frequently as I had been.

While my rest had been cut short, I felt that it was worth sacrificing some rest to discover a source of water that doubled as my guide to civilization and, hopefully, getting home.

With a renewed vigor, I continued my trek towards whoever lived in those buildings, replacing my headphones in my ears and turning the music back on. Maybe I can get some answers to all the questions I’d had since waking up.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I followed the stream for the next hour, only taking to the trees once to confirm that I was still headed towards the buildings after a few curves in the stream. As I was getting closer, I decided that I was going towards a town or village, since the building didn’t seem all that tall and weren’t very densely packed.

What was densely packed were the trees in the Goddamned Forest. I had to go around a lot of them while following the stream (or was it a creek?) if I wanted to keep my feet dry. It was a minor inconvenience compared to being dropped in the middle of nowhere with no explanation and no clues as to what had happened between yesterday and this morning.

While I was never thirsty following the stream, I still hadn’t eaten anything. This was starting to weigh on me, as I was only used to skipping one meal a day at the most. When the most filling food you’ve had by 3 in the afternoon is air, you tend to be a little less than satisfied with your day.

The music was still playing, but my battery was under 15%, so the end was near for my only companion on this journey. However, that was the most eventful thing that had happened to me since I found the stream.

Boredom was setting in. Well, it was always there, but now it was more intense than before. The monotony of seeing tree after tree after tree, with an occasional bush thrown in for some variety, didn’t do much to make the endless walking any more exciting. I was getting tired of singing too, since it was putting a slight strain on my voice from all the songs I’d been joining in on.

I was getting closer to the town, though (I settled on town because it sounded more modern than village). That was more than enough motivation for me, since I really didn’t like being alone, lost, and hungry for the better part of a day.

I sat down to take my first break since finding the stream to plan out what I’d do once I actually got to this town. I was probably a complete stranger to whoever I was going to meet, they likely wouldn’t believe that I had randomly woken up in this forest this morning, and they might not be willing to help me even if they did believe me. Overall, my situation looked pretty bleak even with making it to this town.

Getting help from the locals seemed like the least of my problems, however. I’d much rather be stuck in a community that’s far removed from home than in the middle of a forest that’s far removed from home.

I was confident I could reach the town before it got dark tonight, based on my extremely rough estimates of how fast I was moving and how away the town looked to me. Judging distances may not be my strong suit, but I’m at least capable of knowing when I’m moving towards or away from something, and I was definitely moving towards this town.

With all of my heavy thinking done for now, I took 30 minutes to rest before I was going to get up again.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Oh, valiant iPod, your death may have been sudden, if unexpected, but I will make sure it was not in vain. I’ll make it to the town in your memory, and soon you will be reunited with a charger!

A little overdramatic, but I was somewhat saddened by the loss of my primary source of entertainment for the day. Now it was just me, the stream, and the voices in my head narrating my thoughts.

Am I not good enough for you? Are you more attached to a machine than your own conscious?

Shut up. I didn’t ask for your opinion.

Anyways, I had made a lot of progress in the hour since I got up from my last break and the half hour since I lost my iPod. The town didn’t look like it was farther than an hour away, and the slight thinning of the trees seemed to confirm that I was getting closer. It was hard to tell what time of day it was, since I couldn’t see the sun and my only timekeeper was in a coma.

The stream continued to point me in the same direction of the town, and was still as refreshing as when I first found it. My only real complaint at the moment was that I still hadn’t eaten, which was causing my stomach to growl loudly and frequently.

My lower body was also protesting against the abuses it believed I was giving it out by forcing it to walk for so long. I ignored the pain, rationalizing that people had walked further in worse situations, so I could handle this.

On one of my routine trips up a tree, I realized just how close to this town I was. From my estimate, I couldn’t have been more than two miles from it. This got me thinking about what I would say once I got to the town. I hadn’t spent much time thinking about how I’d convince anyone to help - or even believe - my story.

I continued walking and rehearsing my story in my head. I was just as confused about how I got in this forest as whoever I talked to would be - unless this was a common occurrence that I had just become the most recent victim of. That would piss me off more than any other explanation for my situation.

I decided to keep it short and relatively simple.

“Hi, my name’s Sean Wilson and this morning I woke up in the middle of that forest right over there. Once I realized I wasn’t in Kansas anymore, I found my way into this town. So, is there any way you could help me get back to Overland Park, Kansas?”

Definitely not the most eloquent speech I’ve ever heard, but it would hopefully get my point across. If I had to rely on my natural charm, then I was probably screwed.

I was so caught up in my internal musings that I almost didn’t notice when I left the forest. The first thing that caught me was the sunlight. It was right in my eyes, when I wasn’t expecting it, too. After recovering from my temporary partial blindness, I looked around to see where the town was.

I couldn’t see it from where I was standing, but I did see one house on a hill not far from the stream I had been following. Actually, house isn’t a very accurate term for the structure. It looked more like a cottage to me. It was smaller than a house, with a lot of birdhouses on or around it and a roof that appeared to be made out of bushes and grass.

This was as good a place to start as any. With a few butterflies in my stomach, I walked up the dirt road to the first civilization I’d seen all day.

1st Of Tha Month

1st Of Tha Month

I woke up next the morning to a throbbing headache. Worst drug fueled adventure ever, I thought while letting my eyes focus. Then I saw the pegasus on the couch I’d given up.

Turns out I’ve been sober this whole time.

The headache reminded me that I never got the ice I was told to use last night, and I was feeling it right now. My legs were also aching, but I didn’t care about that as much. I was used to having legs feeling like rubber from countless soccer games I’d played before.

Rainbow Dash was still snoring lightly, and for some reason I found it disarmingly cute.

Why do you think that something that threatened bodily harm on you is cute? Are you developing Stockholm Syndrome already? I asked myself as I tried to shake the feeling out of my head. Shaking proved to be a bad idea, as my headache pounded harder.

While I was pressing my hands to my skull to try to make the pounding go away. It was then that I heard steps coming from elsewhere into the room. I lifted one hand to see what it was, which turned out to be an upside-down view of Fluttershy trotting in.

I yawned and tried to wave in greeting, but only really succeeded in flopping my arm from side to side. The corners of her (I’m assuming it’s a her)  mouth lifted, which I took for a good sign. Groaning, I spun myself over and realized she was actually frowning at me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, confused about the cause of her expression.

“Were you sleeping on the floor all night?” she asked back.

“Yeah...did I do something wrong?”

“I thought you were going to sleep on the couch, that’s why I offered it to you.”

“I was going to, but the floor was closer.”

“The door’s over there,” she said, gesturing towards the door. The couch was between me and the door, exposing a flaw in my argument.

“Did Rainbow force you to sleep on the floor?” she asked, continuing my interrogation.

I could have easily thrown the flamboyantly colored pegasus under the bus there, but some piece of my morality told me not to. She hasn't made a great first impression, but she probably won’t like it if you start spreading lies about her, it reasoned. I decided the angel on my shoulder was right this time.

“That’s not it. I let her have the couch and took the floor instead,” I told her.

“Oh...well, I guess that’s alright. Why, then?”

“I threw dirt in her eyes, I guess I felt bad or something.”

“That was very nice of you. I’m sure she appreciates it.”

“Sure she does,” I yawned out. “Anyways, good morning.”

“Oh, it’s not just any morning. It’s one of my favorite mornings of the year,” she said. I just stared at her until she revealed the occasion. “It’s the first of July, so that means it’s time for the Summer Sun Celebration,” she explained.

I like the sound of the word celebration, but I’m not sure what it has to do with the other two words.

“What’s that?” I asked, trying to get more information out of the now cheery face I was staring at.

“It’s when Princess Celestia raises the sun to start the longest day of the year. We really shouldn’t have slept through the night, because we might miss it if we don’t leave for the town center soon,” she said, her tone becoming worried as she went on.

“Wait a minute. Did you say that this Princess Celestia...raises the sun?” I wasn’t sure if this was meant as a metaphor, hyperbole, or literally. No one’s actually got the power to move things in space, right?

“I did, and she really does. It’s truly something that’s hard to put in words.”

I’m gonna have to wait until I see the so-called princess “raise the sun” before I believe it. Somehow it bothers me to know that this pegasus actually believes anyone can move a ball of flaming gas many hundreds of times the planet I’m standing on.

“O...kay. If it’s so important that you get to the celebration, shouldn’t you leave soon, then?” I asked her, now doubting her sanity.

“You’re right! But before we can go, we have to wake up Rainbow Dash so she can come, too,” she said. With that, she walked over to the couch and lifted up one leg hesitantly, as if she wasn’t sure if she really wanted to touch the other pegasus.

She seemed to have decided against it, so she just stood there, apparently in deep thought. Then she leaned in close, and whispered extremely quietly in the sleeping girl’s ear. I was only eight feet away, but I could barely make out a word she said. Unsurprisingly, this strategy didn’t work.

“If you wanna wake someone up, you gotta be a little louder than that. Luckily for you, I have experience waking up comatose siblings,” I announced, deciding to take matters into my own hands. “Now, you’re probably gonna want to stand back, ‘cause most of the time people don’t like my methods.”

Fluttershy took my advice as I prepared to get her friend off the couch. Taking a deep breath, I got right next to Rainbow Dash, then started clapping my hands as loud as I could.

“Wake up Rainbow Dash! You got a Summer Sun Celebration to go to and I don’t think you wanna miss it!” I yelled.

It had the desired effect. The pegasus’s eyes shot open as her peaceful slumber was forcefully ended. She flailed around in her panic and connected with my stomach, just inches away from much worse damage.

“What’s going on? Why is everypony yelling?” were her first words.

Meanwhile, I was doubled over, trying to catch my breath and avoid losing whatever dinner was still in me from last night.

“Um, Rainbow Dash, today’s the Summer Sun Celebration remember? And I couldn’t wake you up, so Sean over there did instead,” Fluttershy explained on my behalf.

“Oh yeah! How could I forget?” she asked rhetorically. “So are we gonna get going or not?”

“Um, yes, of course,” Fluttershy sounded rattled after the wild display.

By this point I’d recovered from the surprise punch. “Can I come too?” I asked, not really specifying who I was asking.

“Why do you want to come?” Rainbow Dash asked me, her tone bordering on accusatory.

I wasn’t going to admit it to them, but I didn’t like the idea of being left alone. Even if they were talking mythical horses, it was a lot better to be able to have a conversation with something real than with voices in my head. My relatively short time in the forest was affecting me more than I thought it would.

“I don’t know. It just sounded like something worth seeing from what Fluttershy told me,” I lied.

Rainbow Dash looked like she was about to say something, but just as she opened her mouth, Fluttershy beat her to it. “Of course you can,” she said. Rainbow Dash started staring at her companion incredulously.

“Are you sure about this?” she asked.

“I’m sure of it. Sean’s not a bad...human,” she answered, though the last word sounded like she was still struggling to remember what I was. “He’ll be on his best behavior. Won’t you, Sean?” Now she was talking to me like a mother would to a toddler.

“Uh, yeah. I’ll be the best behaved human you’ve ever seen,” I told her.

“You’re the only human she’s ever seen,” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“I heard that.”

She just crossed her front legs and stuck her tongue out at me.

“Now now, no fighting, you two,” Fluttershy said, still talking like I was a small child.

“Al-right,” Rainbow Dash answered, adopting the tone of a teenage daughter.

“Now let’s get going, we’ve got a celebration to see!” she announced.

I followed the two out the door, but didn’t make it before Rainbow Dash turned around. “You don’t have to wear clothes, it’s not like this is a fancy event or anything,” she told me.

This was the first time I’d ever been told nudity was the way to go. Her statement actually disarmed me with its bluntness.

“I’m not wearing clothes to be fancy. This is about as informal as I can get.” I mean, it’s hard for me to go much lower than a t-shirt and shorts while maintaining my dignity.

“Don’t you know you only clothes for special events?”

“I wear special clothes for special events, if that’s what you mean. This is what I’d wear for everyday use.”

“Why would you want to wear clothes all the time?” she asked incredulously.

“Probably ‘cause it’s illegal not to.”

“What’s wrong with the place you come from?”

“Lots of stuff, but banning public nudity isn’t one of them.”

“I know you two are having fun talking about clothes, but, um, shouldn’t we go before it’s too late,” Fluttershy said, not looking like she really wanted to interrupt our conversation.

“We’ll finish this later,” Rainbow Dash informed me.

“You got it,” I assured her.

We finally got on our way down the dirt path. It was dark out. Actually it looked like it was the middle of the night. Luckily, there was ample light from the moon and the stars in the sky. I had to admire the stars, since they were clearer than anything I’d ever seen back home. I didn’t notice I’d stopped walking until a voice broke me from my thoughts.

“Are you coming or not?” Rainbow Dash called to me from well up the path.

“Yeah, just a second!” I answered before I jogged to catch up to them.

As I got back behind them, it occurred to me that I didn’t know anything about the other inhabitants of this town. I’d spent so long fantasizing about meeting other people that I hadn’t considered any other possibility. So now I was gonna ask my escorts what exactly lived in the town we were heading towards.

“Are there going to be more like you in town? Is everybody else a pegasus, I mean” I ventured.

“Well, there are pegasi  in Ponyville - that’s where we’re going - but there’s also a lot of earth ponies and unicorns,” Rainbow Dash answered.

“Wait, unicorns? Like, with horns and everything?” I asked. The more I learned about this place, the more confused I got.

“Yes, pegasi have wings, unicorns have horns, and earth ponies, um, have neither,” Fluttershy answered.

Well, I was interested to see what these unicorns look like, and the earth ponies were easy enough to visualize. The word earth got me excited, but the way she said it made me think it wasn’t the Earth I was used to. Also, I guess these guys considered themselves ponies, which sorta made sense to me, but they were nothing like the ponies I was familiar with. It would explain why I heard pony used in place of body at the end of some words.

“Alright, next question. What’s gonna happen when they see me? Based on your reactions, I’m something that’s never been seen before, so are they gonna run from me? Try to attack me?” This is what I was really worried about. I don’t know if Rainbow Dash is a good measure for how their society is going to react as a whole, but I really hoped that I wasn’t getting charged from 100 directions at once by ponies trying to repel an alien invader.

“They’ll probably think you’re weird, ‘cause you are, but once they see you’re with me, they’ll know that you’re not going to be a problem to anypony,” Rainbow Dash said. “Even if you do, I’ll take care of it in a heartbeat.” Her confidence was staggering if she really thought I would let her beat me a second time.

“Uh-huh. What do you think?” I asked Fluttershy.

“Um...you are a bit scary because you’re so...big,” she said.

I had to restrain myself from laughing out loud, since that was almost the exact opposite of how everyone else had described me. I’m 5’7”, 125 pounds, which apparently translates to pure intimidation in this strange world. Fluttershy was about 4 feet tall, give or take a few inches, but I didn’t have a good estimate for Rainbow Dash since she was always flying. Still, being described as scary is something that hasn’t happened to me since I was wearing Halloween costumes as a kid.

“So I’m weird and scary, but also not a problem for any...pony. Thanks for your expert analysis, guys,” I said.

We walked on in silence after that, all the way until we got into the town of Ponyville. It’s a really weird name for a town to me, like naming a city Humanistan. I wasn’t really in a position to judge, since I was outnumbered who-knows-how-many to one, but I still had to wonder who was responsible for naming a town so literally.

The town itself didn’t look very big from the outside, and it didn’t look very modern either. Most of the buildings were made out of wood with what appeared to be thatched roofs. I could see a few of what must have been ponies milling about.

My experience with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash should have prepared me for seeing ponies with impossible colors, but it didn’t have anything on the variety that I saw in the town. It looked like a Crayola factory exploded and all of the ponies were at the blast site.

You wanted pink? You got it.

Purple? Of course.

Red, orange, or yellow? All over the place.

So far, no one noticed me as I walked inside the town’s borders. That didn’t last long, as I heard someone yell out, “Oh my goodness, it’s a monster!”

This was followed by cries of “The horror!”

First, everyone looked in the direction of who had called me a monster, which was a bright pink pony with green hair, then they looked in the direction it was pointing. After that, there were three reactions from the ponies. They either screamed and ran, stood with their mouths opened, or stared at me with a really creepy-looking smile for some reason.

Most chose the first option, and that cleared the streets out faster than I would have thought possible.

“So, should I stay here or do you still want me to see the celebration?” I asked the two nearest me, not wanting to make a bad situation worse.

“We’ll just keep going. You actually made it easier to get to the town hall,” Rainbow Dash answered.

That makes me feel better. Causing a panic that almost empties an entire street didn’t do much for my self-confidence, especially since I hate being the center of attention for any reason whatsoever.

“Well, let’s go,” was all I said.

With no one to impede our progress, the journey to the town hall was a short one. It was a larger building than the other ones I’d seen, but it wasn’t very impressive. Really, it was just a bigger wooden building, about the size of four of the houses I’d walked by earlier.

At the door, I rushed in front of the pegasi to hold the door open, trying to prove that I wasn’t the monster I’d been accused of being earlier.

“Thank you, Sean,” Fluttershy said as she walked in. Rainbow Dash merely nodded. I followed them into the hall, which was almost pitch dark. The door we came in was at the back of the room, with a large, elevated stage built in the front.

I followed the pegasi to a spot in the corner, away from prying eyes. A few ponies had turned around when I opened the door, but I don’t think any had gotten a good look at me. If they did, I couldn’t tell, because there was no screaming or panicking like before.

“How long until the celebration starts?” I murmured to Fluttershy.

“It should be really soon, we barely made it in time,” was her answer.

Not 5 seconds after she finished that sentence, a tan, grey-haired pony with glasses came on to the stage.

“Fillies and gentlecolts,” she said. “It is with great pleasure that I announce Princess Celestia to conduct this year’s Summer Sun Celebration.”

This was met with raucous applause from the crowd in front of me, while I just continued staring ahead.

Let's see what all the hoopla is about, I thought.