Bravest Alicorn
What… where am I?
Slowly, Twilight Sparkle began to regain her awareness. It started with an unpleasant, tingly numbness in her entire body that seemingly left the purple alicorn unable to move. The only thing she knew for certain is that she was laying on a cold, smooth, and hard surface and that she could hear voices around her.
“Do you… do you think they’re dead?” A masculine voice asked in the darkness.
“Dead things don’t usually breathe in and out, Danny…” A feminine voice replied.
“The Lung Beasts of Perssia Olmicron Five, do,” Danny retorted.
Lung beasts? Wha…
“Do they look like a mass of repertory orangs to you?” the female replied.
“Well… no…” Danny admitted, “but maybe they’re shapeshifting Lung Beasts,” Danny suggested.
“Alright, that’s just ridiculous,” the female said, “our parents destroyed the last shapeshifting Lung Beast decades ago!”
“Maybe they missed a couple,” Danny said.
“Ah, dudes? Shouldn’t we check a little closer for vitals?” A new masculine voice asked.
“On it, Chris!” Danny called out.
“Oh man, I hope they’re alive, they look like rockin’ pets!” a deep masculine voice called out.
Uh-oh… Wait ‘they’…? Oh no, Spike!
“Wallow, you can’t just adopt every strange being that teleports into the invisible hideout,” the female said. “No matter how cute they may be,” she added.
“Beth, I hear what you’re sayin’, but I would like to point out that so far we have adopted every strange being that’s teleported into the hideout, and that, so far, it’s been awesome,” Wallow replied.
“Point taken,” Beth replied.
Move body, move! Ow! What’s that poking me in the stomach?
“We have movement!” Danny said excitedly.
“…Dude, did you just poke her with a stick?” Beth asked.
With a tremendous amount of effort, Twilight Sparkle pulled her eyelids open ever so slightly. She focused her vision on a tan skinned human with brown hair who wore a red jacket over a hoodie. The hoodie sported a yellow circle on the chest and he also wore gray pants, and red and yellow boots.
Danny motioned to a long, thin, brown object, the seemed to be made out of wood. “This is a highly sensitive, vital sensing device.”
Twilight’s pupils drifted to the person Danny was talking to.
Beth, it seemed, was a girl with long, black hair; fair skin; who wore a white, short sleeved coat over a green and grey shirt; a green belt with a peach colored circle on it; green mid-torso shorts; grey thigh-high socks; and black, high-ankle boots.
“Dudes…”
Twilight eyes darted to Chris as he spoke.
“…she’s coming to.”
Chris was a light skinned man with blond hair that shot straight up and wore a cerulean colored vest over a blue and black, long sleeved t-shirt with a blue circle in the middle; gray pants; blue boots; and massive blue gauntlets.
“How can you tell it’s a she?” Danny asked as he motioned to the purple alicorn.
“Uh, cause my gloves have life scanners,” Chris informed as he narrowed his eyes at Danny and pointed to a holographic display that emanated from his gantlet.
“Bro, you should have said something! I went all the way outside to get this stick!” Danny moaned as he motioned to the stick.
“Danny, you carry a scanner in your pockets, remember?” Beth reminded.
“Oh yeah…” Danny replied as he rubbed his chin.
“Oh man! She’s alive!” Wallow said excitedly.
Twilight focused her eyes on the fourth and final voice.
“I think I’ll name her… Princess Cuddlesworth,” Wallow declared.
Wallow was a large, dark skinned human with a shaved head, who wore some sort of plastic armor over his chest with a light blue circle in the center; an orange shirt; black pants; orange boots; and large, orange gauntlets over his hands.
“Wallow, she might already have a name,” Beth pointed out. “However, if she doesn’t, I second the name of ‘Princess Cuddlesworth’,” she said with a smile.
Laboriously, Twilight opened her mouth in an attempt to speak, “Spiiike…”
“Ah, man,” Wallows said, “I guess her name is Spike.”
“Well that’s not a very good name for a female, flying unicorn,” Beth reasoned. She bent down to get a better look at Twilight, “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be ‘Princess Cuddleworth’?”
“Na… no…” Twilight uttered out, “Where’s… Spike?”
Chris snapped his gloved hand, “Oh! She must mean the little guy that came with her!”
Beth smiled warmly at Twilight, “Don’t worry, he’s safe. He’s lying right next to you.”
Twilight focused and stretched out with her wings and legs. Her left wing bumped against something warm and rough. With great effort, she smiled weakly, “Ga…good…” Twilight frowned as her awareness continued to improve, she realized her throat was bone-dry, and that she felt a number of symptoms that indicated she was dehydrated, “Wa…water…”
“I think she wants some water,” Chris said.
“How can you tell?” Danny asked Chris.
Chris cocked an eyebrow at Danny, “Uh, because she’s speaking perfectly coherent English?”
“Oh… right…” Danny replied, “sorry, I kinda spaced out at ‘Princess Cuddlesworth’.”
“I’ll get it,” Beth said as she walked off.
Wallow gave Danny a perplexed look, “Dude, what’s with you today? You’re acting even weirder than usual.”
“Sorry dudes, I was up late working on a new time machine,” Danny explained.
Wallow raised his eyebrows, “You’re making another time machine? Don’t you remember the last time you made one?”
“And all the other times before that,” Chris added.
“There was an awful lot of fire on attempt number six,” Wallow added.
“And screaming,” Chris added, “Don’t forget the screaming…”
Wallow shuttered. “I’ll never forget the screaming…” he murmured.
“I’m cautiously optimistic about this one,” Danny replied as his lips curled up into a small smirk.
Beth returned with a cup of water and a straw. “Here you go,” she said as she leaned down, bringing the cup and straw to Twilight’s level.
Twilight wrapped her lips around the straw and began sucking up the fluid thirstily.
“So, uh…” Beth began, “never caught your name.”
“Twilight,” Twilight answered in between sips, “Twilight Sparkle.”
Beth smile and nodded.
“That’s an acceptable replacement for Princess Cuddlesworth,” Wallow stated with a smile.
Beth shot her large friend a quick glare then turned back to Twilight and smiled, “Feeling better?”
Twilight finished her water and slowly rose to her hooves, “Ye…yes… thank you… Beth was it?”
Beth nodded.
Twilight glanced over to where she felt Spike. The baby dragon breathed in and out.
Twilight gently nudged spike with her muzzle, “Spike! Wake up!”
“…Just a few more minutes, Twilight…” the purple dragon murmured.
The humans in the room chuckled to themselves.
“Spike!” Twilight said with a bit more force, “Get up! We’re in another dimension… again.”
Spike’s eyes shot open, “Uh-oh, am I a dog?”
“No, you’re still you and I’m still me,” Twilight confirmed.
Spike groaned and sat up, “Well, that’s good... but I think my body still thinks it’s asleep.”
Twilight nodded, “It must be a side effect of the travel. It took me a little bit to adjust as well.”
Spike looked up at his surroundings, the room everyone was in was massive. Easily three stories high with a number of ladders that led up to other smaller rooms, hallways that lead out, a giant, round window that pointed out towards colorful surroundings and a city full of towering buildings, a large kitchen that sat to the side, a simple brown couch that sat next to a couple of stereo speakers, and a multitude of blue readouts on the wall.
“Cool…” Spike uttered. He focused his attention on the four humans who continued to hover over and look over Twilight and him curiously.
Spike attempted to raise a claw and point to the four humans, but quickly found his arms weren’t quite responsive yet. He settled for nodding his head in their direction, “Who are they?”
“Oh… well… I’m not quite sure,” Twilight admitted.
Chris smiled, “We’re the Bravest Warriors.”
“We’re heroes!” Wallow said.
“The best the universe has to offer,” Danny added with a grin.
“And we’ll be more than happy to help you two,” Beth said with a smile.
Twilight looked at Spike and smiled, “Hear that Spike? They’re going to help us get home!”
“Oh… uh… cool… I guess…” Spike said.
Twilight knitted her brow at the baby dragon as the Bravest Warriors stared out at him in confusion.
“Spike, what’s wrong?” Twilight asked.
“It’s just that… well… they all kinda look like dorks…” Spike explained as his hand finally responded and he motioned out to the four teenagers.
“HEY! Up yours,” Danny shouted as he shared a digit with the baby dragon.
“Danny! You know that’s not how you should express your moop!” Chris chastised as he placed his hands on his friends tensed arm.
“Right, sorry dudes…” Danny said as he lowered his hand.
“Spike!” Twilight said to the purple dragon in a reprimanding tone, “Beggars can’t be choosers!”
The humans present all frowned.
“You know what, bro?” Chris said to Danny, “I’m gonna let you have this one…”
Danny continued to glare at the dragon as he raised his fist and blew into it as if he was inflating a balloon, one of his digits slowly rose as he did.
Spike merely looked at the gesture quizzically.
“Hey, Spike,” Twilight said, “I have an idea… let’s try to send a letter to Celestia.”
“Oh! Great idea, Twilight,” Spike exclaimed, “except I don’t have any parchment or ink on me…”
“Don’t worry,” Beth said with a smile, “I can print you out a quick note.” She walked up to one of the many consoles along the wall and placed her hand on the keyboard. “What would you like it to say?”
Twilight smiled, “Dear Princess Celestia, Spike and I are trapped in another dimension, but safe otherwise. Please respond.”
Beth happily typed away and hit a button on the keyboard, a simple sheet of white paper with the message on it soon printed out.
Spike walked up and accepted the piece of paper happily. He blew out a stream of green fire that consumed the message.
“Dude!” Wallow exclaimed. “Did you see that?!”
“Whoa, radical!” Danny exclaimed.
“Awesome, bro,” Chris added.
Spike turned and grinned to his audience but paused and soon belched out another piece of paper.
“Oh my gosh! Did you see that?!” Wallow said excitedly. “This kid is amazing!” he declared as he motioned out to Spike with both hands.
“A response!” Twilight said excitedly as she trotted up behind Spike. “What’s it say?!”
Spike frowned, “We’re sorry, the dimension you’re trying to reach has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please check the meata… uh… metafai…”
“Metaphysical,” Twilight said with a frown as she read the note.
“…metaphysical coordinates you entered and try again,” Spike finished.
Twilight sighed, “Well it was a long shot… so much for getting anypony back home to help us.”
“Don’t worry,” Chris said, “I’m sure we can get you back somehow. What’s the name of the planet you two are from?”
“Equestria,” Twilight informed.
Chris nodded, “Wallow?”
“On it,” Wallow said as a large holographic display of a planet floated in front of him. “Searching…” His display emitted an angry buzz and a red X appeared over the planets. Wallow shook his head, “Sorry, it’s not on record.”
“Hmmm…” Danny began as he rubbed his chin, “I bet I can alter one of my existing machines to send you two back…” He pulled out a rectangular device from his pockets, “Let just get a good scan of you both, hopefully I can figure out where you need to go back to that way…”
Twilight elbowed Spike, “See Spike!” She said motioning to Danny, “These guys are on top of things.”
“Yeah, yeah…” Spike said as he rolled his eyes.
“In the meantime,” Beth said, “Maybe we should start with how you got here,” she suggested.
Twilight nodded, “Good idea. You see, I was experimenting with time magic, and…”
“Experimenting?!” Spike exclaimed. “Yeah right…” he added rolling his eyes.
Twilight glowered at the baby dragon, “Hey, I was totally experimenting!”
Spike rolled his eyes, “Pahleease! You got frustrated when you were trying to make breakfast and learn a new transmogrification spell at the same time and thought you could use a time spell to give yourself a few extra hours in the day.”
“Well, I wouldn’t have had to multi-task like that if a certain baby dragon would just put books back where they belong!”
“I told you! I distinctly remember putting Powerstone’s Encyclopedia of Magic back on its shelf!”
Twilight rolled her eyes, “Right, I’m sure… besides, it was ‘spur of the moment’ experimenting!” Twilight said.
“You didn’t seem to think you were experimenting at the time.” Spike put on a goofy, cheerful smile. “‘Don’t worry Spike, I know exactly what I’m doing!’” Spike said in a mocking cadence resembling Twilight’s.
“Well… I thought I did…” Twilight said sheepishly.
“When has using time magic every worked out for you, when?!” Spike demanded.
“Well maybe I wouldn’t have to use it if a certain baby dragon would get up at a reasonable hour!” Twilight retorted.
“You know I need my eight solid or I’m useless!”
“Eight!? Try an average of 9.57 hours!”
“Oh my gosh, Twilight! You really need to stop recording how long everypony sleeps!”
“I don’t catalog everypony’s!” Twilight protested.
“Let me guess, my records are stored alphabetically after ‘Shining Armor’,” Spike said.
“Well… yes, but he’s my brother, so…”
“…What are they doing?” Danny asked as he motioned to Twilight and Spike.
“Uh… I think they’re hashing out roommate stuff…” Chris answered.
“Should we stop them?” Wallow asked.
Beth shook her head, “This sound pretty personal, better let them sort it out on their own.”
“Twilight! You watching your family members sleep at night to record their sleeping patterns is really creepy!” Spike declared.
“It’s not creepy!” Twilight insisted.
“I’m sure they’ll work it out soon…” Beth assured.
*But then…*
“…And there’s almost never any hot water for me to use!” Twilight yelled.
“I’m sorry if I value hygiene!” Spike replied.
“A bath or two a day is hygienic!” Twilight said. “Spending an entire day in one is just lazy!”
Chris stretched and twisted his back left and right as he continued to observe the quarreling roomies.
Danny sighed heavily.
Wallow’s eyes began to close slowly, and his head dropped; this was quickly followed by his eyes shooting open and him looking up again.
“Aaaaaany second now…” Beth said.
*And then…*
“And do you have to flex when you look in the mirror?!” Twilight asked.
“Hey! It’s alright that I have a healthy opinion of my body!” Spike cried. “At least I don’t spend hours nervously preening my feathers!”
“I’m a Princess,” Twilight retorted, “I’m supposed to look pretty.”
“SNORT…” Wallow’s eyes shot open as he wiped the drool from his face. “See! I knew she was a princess,” he said as he happily pointed at Twilight.
“Yeah, dude…” Danny replied from the couch as he tapped on a video game controller with a bored expression on his face, “She’s only said it like two dozen times by now…”
Chris nodded from the seat next to Danny, a similarly bored expression on his face.
“Oh…” Wallow looked outside, the city outside was glowing orange to match the horizon, “Wait, is it almost night?!”
“Yeah…” Chris said, “You pretty much straight up fell asleep standing up.”
“…And then I have to pull all the purple hair out of the drain!” Spike said as he continued to trade infractions with his roommate.
“…They’re juuuuust about done…” Beth assured.
*And still…*
“And you… huff… puff… occasionally leave the cupboard doors open!” Twilight huffed out as she breathed in and out with long, deep breaths.
“Well you… uh… snore… every once in a while…” Spike said.
“…You said that one already,” Twilight informed.
“I did?” Spike asked.
Twilight nodded, “Huff… Anything…puff… else?”
“Yeah, one more.” Spike looked up Twilight with wide eyes, “I love you Twilight. You’re my best friend.”
Twilight’s eyes widened and she puffed out her lower lip slightly, “Awww… I love you, too, Spike!”
The two roommate threw their arms around each other and enjoyed a long, warm embrace.
Beth began to clap, “Yay! A happy ending!”
Twilight and Spike’s shot open and their reds flushed crimson as they realized they had an audience. They slowly broke their hug in favor of grinning sheepishly and avoiding eye contact with anyone.
“SNORT… Wait, huh?” Danny said from the couch as he woke up.
Chris yawned and stretched his arms out, “Is it over?”
Beth nodded, “I told you they’d work it out.”
Danny stood to his feet and extended his foot out, poking Wallow with it who had passed out on the floor, “Hey, Wallow buddy. Wake up! It’s over.”
“Uhhh…what happened?” Wallow asked as he stood up.
“You fell asleep again,” Chris explained, “or rather, ‘unconscious’ when Twilight broke out a magic chalk board and started a presentation on how Spike’s ice cream addiction was contributing to higher depression rates amongst the cows of their home town.”
“Wow yeah… that was someone the most intense, yet boring roommate argument I’d ever seen,” Wallow muttered.
“Uh, sorry…” Twilight offered. “Spike and I have a bad habit of letting things that irk us go unsaid until we build up a huge list of complaints, and then things get a tad messy between us…
“It’s alright,” Beth said. “We’ve all hashed out some pretty intense roommate issues.”
-ooooooo-
“WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!” A voice called out over the bases P.A. system as klaxons and alarms blared and the normally blue readouts and glowing lines along the walls flashed red. “CORE BREACH IMMINENT!”
“All I’m saying is there’s three guys to one girl!” Wallow said, “Toilet seat etiquette should favor the majority!”
“OH MY GOSH!” Beth cried, “HOW HARD IS IT TO LOWER A TOILET SEAT?!” she demanded as she held up her hands and curled her fingers up into tense claws.
“HOW HARD IS IT TO RAISE IT?!” Wallow countered.
“Uh guys,” Chris said, “you both make excellent points but none of this addresses the important issue of WHO KEEPS DRINKING THE FLIPPIN’ MILK AND PUTTING AN EMPTY CARTON BACK IN THE FRIDGE?!” he screamed. “I mean, you finish the milk, then throw away the carton and add milk, to the grocery list! HOW IS THAT HARD?!”
“ENOUGH!” Danny screamed, his hoodie and jacket notably missing. He had added stripes of red war paint or some other red substance to his body face and naked torso. “I HAVE THE CONCH!” He cried, holding aloft a large, pink conch shell. “I WILL SPEAK!”
“WARNING! WARNING! MELTDOWN IN T-MINUS 30 SECONDS!”
“SOMEONE KEEPS RAIDING MY SNACK DRAWER!” Danny declared.
-ooooooo-
“Really?” Twilight asked hopefully.
The four humans nodded in agreement.
“Yeah, we’ve had fights over whose turn it is to do the dishes that were worse than that,” Wallow said with a smile.
“Which is funny, because it’s always a lot harder to clean the blood off the walls than the dishes themselves,” Beth added.
Twilight chuckled.
“Uh, Twilight…” Spike said, “I’m not sure that was a joke…”
Twilight frowned, “Oh…” she looked around. “Wait?! Is it night?!”
“Whoops…” Spike said, “Good thing we’re already trapped in another dimension and weren’t going to get anything on your list done anyhow.”
Twilight sighed heavily, “Well, I guess that’s true…” Twilight stomach growled as the pony slowly refocused on the situation. Spike stomach echoed a reply.
“Uh, can we get you something to eat?” Beth asked. “You two haven’t had anything since you got here, and that was hours and hours ago.”
“Thanks Beth, that would be really nice of you,” Twilight said with an earnest smile.
Spike smiled and nodded.
Wallow looked at Chris and Danny, “You two thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?”
The three guys all smirked and raised a fist up, giving each other a little bump. “Soft taco party!” They said in unison.
-oooooo-
“So, what’s in these?” Twilight asked Beth as she floated a soft taco over to her and examined it.
“Whoa… telekinesis huh?” Beth said as she observed the purple glow from Twilight’s horn and the one around the taco.
Twilight gave Beth a small smile, “All unicorns and alicorns can do that, pretty much.”
The room was buzzing with activity as the lights flickered in a myriad of different colors. A round yellow and green robot danced in the center as it shot laser lights in all directions and flailed its thin arms about. Small creatures danced and walked out of the kitchen with soft tacos in hand.
“Can you do other things with your horn?” Beth asked. “Is that what you used to transport you and Spike here?”
Twilight nodded, “Yes and yes on both accounts, though I didn’t mean to transport us across dimensions…” Twilight admitted.
“It’s okay, at least it gives us a chance to meet you two…” Beth said with a smile, “Oh, you must be hungry. The taco contains cheese, tomatoes, locally grown butter lettuce, sour cream, ground beef...”
“Beef?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, uh… oh right, you’re a pony so you probably don’t…”
Twilight got a mad glint in her eye as she brought the taco up to her mouth and quickly devoured it.
“Uh…” Beth trailed off.
“Spwifke,” she shouted through a mouthful of food, “thwey haff mweat hwere!”
“I know!” Spike replied from across the room as he stood next to Wallow, “I’ve eaten like five tacos, already.”
Twilight swallowed the food in her mouth and looked back up Beth with a slight blush on her face, “Sorry… we’ve only had meat one other time. The last time we found ourselves in another dimension… Animals have a tendency to be able to talk on my world, so it makes a carnivores diet a bit awkward… “
Beth chuckled, “I can see how that could be an issue.”
From across the room, Wallow introduced Spike to a number of the creators that danced around the room.
“…And this is Impossibear,” Wallow said as he motioned to a furry creature roughly the same height as Spike. The creator’s fur was similar to that of a rainbows starting out as green at his feet and changing to light blue, light green, yellow then finally orange at its head.
“Impossibear, ‘sup?” Spike greeted, “love the ‘stache.” Spike said as he flicked out a claw and pointed it at Impossibear’s bushy, red mustache.
Impossibear grinned, “Aw, now don’tcha have fine taste in facial hair?”
Spike chuckled, “Well, I’ve been known to dabble in ‘stache land myself.” Spike turned and shouted at Twilight from across the room, “Hey, Twilight! Can I get a number 25 over here?”
Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes. A purple beam shot out from her horn and shot over to Spike, causing his upper lip to glow purple for a bit before black facial hair grew out.
“Ooooh…” Beth uttered as she gave an impressed clap.
“Well bless my impossibuns,” Impossibear declared, “ain’t that a rockin’ collection of whiskers?”
Wallow chuckled excitedly. “Do me! Do me!” he cried as he motioned towards his face.
Twilight smiled and with another purple blast, Wallow was sporting a black fu manchu mustache.
“Oh man! Sparkler is passing out free mustaches?!” Danny asked cheerfully as he held a taco and walked up to Beth and Twilight.
“I want a mustache!” Chris called out as walked up right behind Danny, also holding a taco.
Twilight chuckled and Beth broke into laughter as Twilight passed out a couple more magic mustaches, Danny ending up with a bushy, thick straight line of hair under his lip and Chris getting a handlebar mustache.
“Sweeeeeet…” the two men declared at they looked down at their new mustaches.
“Oh man, Wallow baby,” Impossibear began, “you find the best new friends to come hang with us.”
“Awww, shucks…” Spike said.
“And here’s Catbug,” Wallow said as a light blue cat with a lady bug shell walked up to Spike.
“Are you stealing my friend?!” Catbug demanded in a high-pitched voice as he pushed his face within inches of Spike’s.
“Uh, no? I’m just chillin’…” Spike replied as he backed up a half step.
“Yeah, it’s all good, baby,” Impossibear said, “now why don’t you scoot along while I show my new, awesome dragon friend here my collection of diabetes support socks.”
A low growl began to emanate from Catbug.
“Catbug,” Wallow said in a warning tone, “be nice… Spike was just…”
“DIE, FRIEND STEALER!” Catbug cried as he pounced.
“Wha…AH!” Spike cried in alarm as the light blue cat leapt onto him and forced him to the ground.
Catbug began feverously scratching at Spike’s thick hide.
“AHHHHHHHH!” Spike cried. “Get ‘em off! GeEeEeT him off!”
“CATBUG! NO!” Wallow cried. “THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE FRIENDS!”
“Spike!” Twilight called out in alarm as she rushed over to the scene of violence. With a purple glow, Catbug was separated from the purple dragon and held aloft a few feet from the ground. She gently set Spike on the floor, “Are you alright?”
Spike looked over the scratch marks on his thick scales and sighed. “Nothing hurt but my pride,” he answered.
“CATBUG!” Wallow said forcefully as Twilight continued to hold the light blue cat in the air, “That was uncool! Spike was just being friendly.”
“…I’m sorry,” Catbug replied as he hung his head.
“Don’t apologize to me,” Wallow said, “apologize to Spike.”
Twilight gently let Catbug on the ground.
“I’m sorry Spike,” Catbug said, “hug?” he asked as he held his arms open wide.
Spike tentatively approached Catbug and put his arms around him as Catbug wrapped his own arms around Spike.
Catbug leaned his mouth in close to one of Spike’s green head fins, “Never go to sleep alone…” he whispered darkly in his high pitched voice.
Spike put on a pensive expression as he broke the embrace and quickly backed up closer to Twilight.
“I know what will blow that frown right off your face!” Impossibear declared. “I got you a present~!” He said to Spike as he held aloft a wrapped item with red wires that stuck out from the gift and a digital display that counted down.
“Impossibear! No! Give that to me!” Wallow cried as he reached for the wrapped item.
Impossibear pulled the gift out of reach of the large man, “Nu-uh-uh, this is for my new buddy, Spike.”
Catbug began to growl once more.
“Impossibear, please!” Wallow pleaded. “You’ll kill us all!”
Danny sighed, “Man, why does every taco party have to end in potential death by explosion?”
“I hear ya man,” Chris replied.
“Guys! This is serious,” Beth cried, “we might all die.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re better off without that present?” Twilight said.
“Uh, because most everyone here is convinced it’s going to kill us?” Spike suggested.
“I was being rhetorical,” Twilight explained.
“Oh… right…” Spike replied.
“MINE!” Catbug cried as he leapt onto the gift.
“Catbug! NO!” Wallow cried.
“Uh… Catbug?” Chris said. “You might want to let go of that,” he suggested as he pointed to the gift.
Catbug’s lower lip began to quiver. “But…”
“Yeah, man!” Impossibear said. “You know I love ya, baby, but this is seriously uncool.”
Catbug sighed as his shell parted exposing his gossamer wings. He flittered off the package.
Impossibear smiled and placed his gift in front of Spike.
“Uh, Twilight… the numbers are getting lower…” Spike said as his voice began to turn panicky.
Twilight’s eyes shot open wide as the counter hit single digits.
“Twilight!” Beth called as she stood by an open window. “Over here!”
Twilight’s horn glowed purple and the package lifted up into the air as the same colored glow surrounded it. Twilight sprinted with the package following close behind and quickly used her magic to toss it outside where it exploded in a loud and violent fireball.
The group breathed a collective sigh of relief.
“Nice going, Twilight,” Spike said as he gave his friend an earnest smile.
“Yeah, you really saved our bacon there,” Wallow said.
“Let’s hear it for Twilight Sparkle!” Chris said.
A touch of red entered Twilight’s cheeks and she grinned sheepishly as the group began to clap and cheer for her.
“Now why’d you go a do a thing like that?” Impossibear asked in an irritated tone of voice. “I got you one, too!” Impossibear said as he held aloft yet another package complete with red wires and a counter on the front.
“AHHH!” Spike and Twilight yelped in alarm.
“Impossibear! NO!” Wallow cried.
Danny sighed and shook his head, “We really need to catch the space chicken that keeps giving those to him…”
-ooooooo-
“Voilà!” Danny said as he pulled a sheet over a large, chromed device. “The double, dimensional transporter.”
The device sported a couple of uncomfortable looking chairs complete with heavy duty looking restraints that went over the wrists and ankles of whoever sat in them. Suspended above the chairs where a couple of oval shaped devices that ended in apertures which pointed downward, and below the chairs where a pair of funnels that tapered off into small holes.
Twilight and Spike eyed the large, sinister looking device, then exchanged pensive glances.
“Uh… how does it work?” Twilight asked.
“Well, it only creates a small dimensional hole,” Danny began, “so first it has to rip apart your molecules and basically melt you so you can fit.”
Spike winced, “Does that hurt?”
“Oh man, it hurts like you would not believe!” Danny replied.
Twilight’s and Spike’s pensive expressions zoomed right past worried and crash landed in terrified territory.
“Now, if my lovely assistant would present me with my demonstration tools…” Danny said.
Wallow chuckled as he walked forward with a couple of soft tacos and a blender.
Danny took the items and sat them on a table. He plugged the blender into a nearby wall outlet. “Imagine these two soft tacos are you two,” Danny said as he put the tacos into the blender and put it on its highest setting.
Twilight and Spike’s eyes widened as the blender turned the tacos into a brown sludge of chopped up food particles.
Catbug fluttered onto the table as he examined the demonstration with keen interest.
Danny held up a straw, “This straw is the pathway between our dimensions,” he handed the straw to Catbug, “and Catbug is your dimension.”
“Yay! Soft Taco soup!” Catbug cried as he put the straw into the mixture and began sucking up the sludge with a moist, sickly sound that left Twilight and Spike cringing.
“Uh,” Twilight began, “is there a part of this explanation where the tacos that have had their molecules ripped apart get reassembled back into tacos?”
Danny paused and raised a hand to his chin as he thought about this, “Uh… you know what? I think the dimensional travel machine needs a few bugs worked out of it before we give it a go.”
Twilight and Spike chomped at their lower lips as they exchanged glances once more.
“Don’t worry guys, we’ll get you home somehow,” Beth assured. She lowered her eyelids slightly and shot Danny a quick look, “Alive and well,” she added.
Danny responded in a small nervous chuckle as he looked over the device.
Chris nodded. “We’ll make it our number one priority,” he announced dramatically. He kneeled down and placed his large glove on Twilight’s shoulder as he smiled warmly, “we’ll get you two home safely, I promise.”
Twilight smiled up at the blond human, “Thanks, Chris.”
“Until then you two can bunk with me!” Wallow announced. “And pretty much all our other friends,” he added.
Twilight and Spike gave each other an unsure look as Catbug began to emit another low growl.
“Uh, thanks Wallow,” Twilight said, “but I think Spike and I could use some alone time to collect our thoughts.”
“Aww, dis…” Wallow replied with a disappointed look.
Beth smiled and nodded, “It’s okay Twilight, we understand. I’ll get a guest room ready for you two.”
-ooooooo-
Twilight sighed heavily as she stared up as the ceiling of metal panels above her in the dim glow of the readouts of the room. She laid in bed with the covers pulled over her chest and looked off into space with a pensive expression.
Spike stirred as he laid next to her in the bed, “Can’t sleep?”
Twilight shook her head, “This place is just so different and weird. I’m used to Ponyville getting a bit crazy but this place has it beat by miles and miles in terms of how strange it is. Not to mention how dangerous it can get at a moment’s notice.”
“It’s alright, Twilight,” Spike assured, “I mean… everyone seems really nice… uh… for the most part. And they said they’d help us… even if they do look like dorks.”
“I guess so,” Twilight said meekly, “I just feel like a fish out of water here. I mean, at least I still have my magic here and it seems a talking alicorn and a baby dragon is nothing to go nuts over, but I have no clue how to get us back!”
“You worry too much,” Spike said dismissively. “We’ll be back before you know it.”
“Well, what if we’re not?” Twilight said as she sat up and bed and motioned out with her forehooves, “What if we’re stuck here for a long time or forever, even! It’ll be all my fault just because I got impatient!” Twilight sighed, “I’m a horrible princess…”
Spike shook his head. “You’re not horrible! You saved us all at the taco party,” he reminded, “like… a half dozen times!”
“That was just simple levitation,” Twilight said, “it’s not like I remember enough about what I was doing to send us home.”
“It’ll be okay!” Spike said. “You’re the smartest pony I know! We’ll work it all out, you’ll see.”
“I wish I had your confidence,” Twilight murmured.
Spike shimmied closer to the purple alicorn, and pressed himself against her warm body, “Don’t worry Twilight… yawn… you’ll feel better in the morning.”
Twilight gave the baby dragon a small smile, and nuzzled him lightly, “Maybe you’re right Spike, maybe a little sleep is all I need.”
-ooooooo-
“Beth… Beth…”
Twilight’s eyes groggily opened as he heard Wallows whispering voice.“What?” Beth asked quietly.“Isn’t that the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?” Wallow asked.Twilight’s ears perked up at the sound of approaching footsteps, she heard Beth emit a soft, girly squeal. Twilight looked down to see she had wrapped her arms, legs, and even wings around Spike who was gently snoring away. Redness began to enter her cheeks as she sat up in the bed.Wallow chuckled, “Sorry, but you two where just so adorbs together.”Beth nodded with a giant smile as her cheeks burned with a luminescent shade of red.“Uh… alright…” Twilight said. “So…”“Oh, right!” Wallow said. “Chris has a lead on how to get you two home!”“And you won’t have to be melted for it to work,” Beth added with a smile.“Really?!” Twilight exclaimed excitedly. She began to gently nudge the baby dragon that was sleeping next to her, “Spike! Wake up! Chris might have found a way for us to get home!”“Just… just 10 more minutes,” Spike mumbled out.“SPIKE!” Twilight shouted.“Alright, alright, I’m up…” Spike said as he sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes.Twilight leapt off the bed and landed on her hooves.“Whoa…” Spike exclaimed as a purple glow enveloped him and Twilight gently floated him onto her back.“Lead the way!” Twilight said excitedly to Beth and Wallow.The two humans led Twilight and Spike back into the massive room they had initially arrived at.“Good morning Princess Twilight Sparkle,” Chris said cheerfully as Twilight entered with Spike on her back. “Good morning Spike.”Twilight chuckled, “You can just call me Twilight.”“’Morning Sparkler, ‘morning Spike.” Danny said.Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes, “Or that…”“’Sup everyone,” Spike greeted as he stepped off of Twilight’s back and onto his feet.“Good news,” Chris said, “when I woke up this morning I found a postcard from myself!”Danny raised an eyebrow at his friend, “How many soft tacos did you have last night, bro?”Chris stared at Danny and lowered his eyebrows slightly, “I meant my future self, natch.”Danny’s face lit up, “The Emotion Lord? Radical!”Twilight looked up at Beth, “Emotion Lord?”“Chris’s future self can travel back in time and has lots of strange abilities that he uses to help us,” Beth explained.“Huh…” Twilight answered. She glanced at the purple dragon, “You following all this?”Spike shrugged, “I’m quickly learning not to question anything.”Twilight rolled her eyes, “Pinkie would be proud of you.”
“As cool as it is that The Emotion Lord paid us a visit like some sort of time traveling Santa Claus,” Danny began, “How come Chris’s future self can go back in the past without consequence, but future me has to travel back to smash one of my machines every time I try it?” Danny demanded with a sullen expression on his face.
“You jelly?” Wallow asked with a smirk.
“Totally,” Danny admitted with an angry nod.
“Don’t forget the time your future self melted when he came back,” Beth said.
Danny quickly projectile vomited onto the floor, “Thanks Tezuka,” he said to Beth, “it’d been a while since I beat myself senseless with the ol’ memory erasing device.”
“Dude, I’m pretty that’s just an iron skillet you smash against you skull,” Chris stated.
“Well… it works…” Danny replied as he wiped vomit from his mouth.
“So, what’s the note say?” Twilight asked.
Chris cleared his throat, “It says…”
Everyone but Chris’s eyes shot open wide as an aged, masculine voice began to read the note. “Dear Bravest Warriors, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and Spike. I am having a lovely time on the planet of Daisy. The yellow and white flowers provide a lovely contrast to the green fields and red, dimensional transportation gem that can send travelers to any dimension they would like to go to.”
“Wish you were here.”
“E. Lord.”
“Uh… please tell me I wasn’t the only one who heard that…” Twilight said.
“I heard it,” Spike said excitedly, “we can go home!”
Twilight gave an exasperated sigh and shook her head, “Never mind…”
“Hmmm… the planet of Daisy’s, huh?” Wallow said in an unsure tone.
“Huh? What’s up big guy,” Spike asked, “sounds like an almost literal walk in the park to me.”
“It’s not that simple I’m afraid,” Beth explained. “The planet is ruled by the Duke of Daisy.”
Twilight and Spike exchanged a quick glance then looked back at Beth.
“Some sort of royal flower dude is a problem?” Spike asked.
Beth nodded, “Well, he looks like this.” She hit a few keys on a nearby keyboard and a several foot tall holographic projection of a pasty colored, tusked, bipedal creature appeared. The creator’s body was covered by thick rolls of fat and it wore only a button up shirt tied to expose the creature’s midriff and belly button as well as a pair of cut-off jeans that gripped tightly against its jiggling thighs.
Spike cocked an eyebrow at it, “He looks kinda… goofy.”
“Well, he’s actually a lot bigger,” Wallow pointed out.
“How big?” Twilight asked.
Beth hit a Button and the holographic display grew up towards the ceiling, filling most the room with holographic rolls of fat.
Danny responded by shooting his partially digested breakfast onto the floor.
Spike and Twilight’s jaws unhinged as they stared up at the three story tall monster.
“Oh…” Twilight uttered.
Danny whipped his sleeve over his mouth, “Does he have to dress like that? Talk about inappropriate choice of clothing for a body type.”
“Danny,” Chris said in a chastising tone, “you know you’re not supposed to judge people on how they dress. I mean, how would you feel if everyone judged you when you wore skin tight leotards when you were a kid?”
“Everyone DID judge me for wearing those!” Danny pointed out.
“Uh…” Chris paused briefly as he glanced to the side, “Okay, but two wrongs don’t make a right!” Chris replied.
“Can I at least judge him for him being an intergalactic crazed genocidal maniac?” Danny asked as he motioned to the holograph.
Chris nodded, “Yes you may.”
“Uh… genawhatal?” Spike asked.
“The Duke of Daisy is an intergalactic war criminal,” Beth explained, “he’s led giant navies full of warships and conquered planet after planet.”
“Yeah,” Danny chimed in, “and he’s completely destroyed a couple just ‘cause… well… just ‘cause.”
“Our parents have fought him a few times, each time ending in a stalemate,” Beth explained.
“So what are you going to do?” Twilight continued.
“We’re going to fly right to his planet and challenge him to a duel to the death,” Danny said as he punched a fist into his palm. “Just like our parents.”
“Well… as suicidal as that sounds,” Chris began, “he’s never said ‘no’ to a duel…”
“Uh… and you’re parents are...?” Twilight began.
“Trapped in another dimension for completely unrelated reasons,” Wallow informed.
“Oh…” Twilight replied.
Beth smiled, “It’s alright. They’ve made contact with us.”
“Yeah, and we even got Beth’s dad back,” Danny said, “of course he’s crazier than a hover hound at a bumper factory.”
“Dude!” Chris exclaimed motioning to Beth. “Uncool!”
“Oops, sorry Beth,” Danny offered.
Beth sighed and shook her head, “It’s alright Danny, I mean… its true…”
“Guys…” Twilight interrupted, “while I appreciate the offer to put yourselves in tremendous personal danger for us, I’m really not comfortable with the idea of people risking their lives on our behalf.”
“Ah, don’t worry about it Twilight,” Chris said as he waved his glove about dismissively, “we do this sorts of stuff all the time!”
“Really?” Twilight asked.
“Well… not quite this level of insane, but I made a promises and I’m not going to back down.”
The other warriors nodded in agreement.
“Just sit tight and we’ll be back with that gem before you know it!” Chris said.
Twilight nodded pensively, “Alright, Spike and hear will wait here for you…”
“What?” Spike said. “What are you talking about?! We should go with them!” He cried as he motioned out to the four humans.
“Spike! You heard them! This is incredibly dangerous,” Twilight pointed out.
“And that has stopped us… exactly when?” Spike asked.
“Danger on Equestria is one thing, but this… beast has apparently destroyed entire planets!” Twilight said.
“Come on, Twilight!” Spike said. “This might be our only chance to get home! And we got to see even more fantastic stuff,” he reasoned. “I can’t believe you’d want to sit on the sidelines here.”
“Spike, I really think we’re out of our depth,” Twilight replied.
Spike cocked an eyebrow. “We routinely face down dangerous magical beings that are out to kill us and our friends, and we’ve saved entire nations and probably Equestria on more than one occasion,” he pointed out flatly. “How is this out of our depths?”
“Uh…” Twilight trailed off. “Alright, you have a point.”
Beth walked over to Twilight and kneeled down, placing a hand on the alicorn’s shoulder, “It’s okay, Twilight. We’ll support whatever you want to do.”
“Come on Twilight!” Spike said. “What’s a little suicidal danger against a chance to see our friends again?”
Twilight considered the baby dragon’s words carefully.
-ooooooo-
“WhoahohohohoYEAH!” Spike explained as he watched the planet below shrink into a tiny dot.
“Oh-my-GOODNESS!” Twilight said excitedly as she looked out the same view port.
“And you wanted to stay at the Invisible Hideout,” Spike said with a smirk.
Twilight chuckled, “I have to admit, this experience seems worth the risk.” She stared out into the vast expanse of space. “This is incredible… I can’t believe I was going to miss something like this.”
“Hang tight, dudes!” Chris called out from a seat in front of a massive view window at head of the ship. “It’s about to get real…”
Like Chris, the other Bravest Warriors sat in front of the massive windows as they manned keyboards and glanced at displays and flashing lights in front of them. They all had donned large, grey space suits with large, transparent domes over their heads and colored circles on their chest.
Twilight and Spike turned as Chris pressed a button in front of him.
“Whoaa….” Spike uttered as the stars around them turned into vertical lines and the ship lurched slightly from the acceleration.
“Your dimension has mastered faster than light travel?!” Twilight asked excitedly.
Beth smiled and nodded, “Sure has.”
Twilight shook her head. “I can’t believe how amazing this all is…” she as she sighed quietly to herself.
“Oh, come on!” Spike shouted as he motioned out the window, “We’re in space traveling at speeds that are… uh… really fast, and you’re still depressed?!”
Twilight forced a small smile, “You’re right Spike. I’m sure everything will work out.”
“Awww,” Wallow said, “he even gives adorable pep talks.”
“Don’t worry guys,” Danny said, “we’ll just issue a challenge, fly down to the planet,” he said as he held his palm horizontally and rocked it back and forth, “and kick this guy’s butt, and you’ll be home in time for dinner!”
Twilight nodded, “Sure.”
“Eyes forward, gang,” Chris said, “we’re here.”
Chris pressed a button on the counsel in front of him and the white lines around the ships shrink back into stars that peppered the vast expanse of space in addition to gigantic, menacing looking space ships that surrounded a bright, yellowish planet.
As soon as the ship had slowed down, a portion of the window transformed into a screen displaying a grinning, pasty skinned, humanoid with pointed ears, and large tusks that jutted out from his lower jaw.
Twilight and Spike walked farther into the bridge as they stared at the screen in front of them.
“That’s him,” Wallow whispered to Spike and Twilight, “That’s the Duke of Daisy.”
“Bravest Warriors…” The Duke said, practically chortling with sadistic glee has he spoke. “To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure? Don’t tell me you’re all suicidal enough to challenge me to a dual.”
“Well as a matter of fact we are!” Chris said as he pointed an index finger at The Duke.
“Uh… bro?” Danny said as he raised an eyebrow at Chris.
Chris shook his head, “I mean, we’re not… I mean… we DO challenge you… but we’re not suicidal…”
Danny smacked a giant gauntlet against his domed helmet as Beth sighed.
“Smooth Buddy,” Wallow said, “really smooth.”
“Shut up!” Chris said, “How was I supposed to know he’d guess why we’re here?” he cried as he threw his space suit covered arms in the air
The Duke laughed, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahhhh, your parents where always the same! Showing up onto my planet just to receive harsh butt-wuppin’s to get be to stop warring on some sector or another, or to stop me from vaporizing a planet. Nice to see the Flaragorian skinned fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
“Dude, just say ‘Space Apples’,” Danny said as he rolled his eyes.
“Aaah, Mr. Vascuez,” The Duke said as he shifted his attention to Danny, “the small talk not doing it for ya? Well maybe”—The screen zoomed out showing The Duke in his full, red tied shirt wearing, short-short sporting glory—“THIS will entertain you!” The Duke turned around and began to gyrate his pelvis around and around, causing his thick rolls of fat to bounce up and down with the motion. He gave his own buns a hard slap as he said, “Yeah! Work it baby!”
Danny made a moist, sickly sound and puffed out his cheeks.
“Danny! Look away,” Wallow cried. “Don’t let him get to you with his jiggly mind games.”
“Twilight,” Spike said as one of his eyes twitched, “what the hay are we looking at?”
“Alright, first:” Twilight began, “language, young dragon. Second: I have no idea…” Twilight said as she stared at the screen.
“Enough talk!” Chris cried. “We’ve come for the dimensional travel gem,” he announced as he pointed an index finger at the Duke.
“Yeah, baby… watch that fat…” the Duke paused and slowly removed his hands from his hips. He turned his head around, “You want to fight to death over that?!”
Chris raised an eyebrow, “Is that a problem?
“No, Kirkman,” The Duke replied shaking his head as he turned his body to face the screen, “but the gem only works once and it’s one way…. Wouldn’t you all rather fight to the death over my gigantic space fleet? Or like… one of my black hole creators?”
“Black hole, creators you say?” Danny said raising an interested eyebrow.
“Danny!” Wallow cried.
Danny held up his gantlet covered palms, exposing the red circles on the front, “Naw man, we’re cool.”
“We’ve come for the dimensional travel gem, and we’ll gladly fight you to the death for it,” Beth cried.
“Alright, alright,” The Duke said holding up both his hands, “just… you know… you’re probably going to die. It might as well be over something cool.”
“It’s the gem we want, and the gem we’ll have!” Chris declared.
“Alright, captain hero pants,” The Duke said as he rolled his eyes. He suddenly clenched his massive fists and glowered at the screen. “THEN WE SHALL MEET ON THE FIELD OF BATTLE!”
Wallow lowered his eyelids, “Is the Field of Battle a pristine meadow full of daisies?” he asked dryly.
“Do you have to ask?” The Duke replied. “What better resting place for you all too…”
Beth rolled her eyes, “Here we go.”
“…PUSH UP DAISIES! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Spike cupped his claws around his mouth, “BOOOOOOO!” he shouted at the screen.
“Spike!” Twilight said in a chastising tone. “Stop booing the intergalactic warlord!”
“Heeeelllooooo~!” The Duke said as he focused attention on Twilight and Spike. “Who are these cuties?!”
“Back-off!” Wallow cried, “They’re not part of this.”
“Oh, but they’re totes adorbs! Hey! If I can fight you guys for these two we can fight until the maiming instead of the death!” The Duke said excitedly. “What do you say?!”
“No way!” Beth said. “They’re not involved!”
“We accept your terms!” Twilight declared.
Everybody on the ship turned to stare at Twilight.
The Duke let out a small, girly shriek. “AAAAEEEE! Awesome sauce! Oh this is just… wow! Okay, you all totes have a deal here! I bring the stupid gem and you four bring down those adorable little critters!” With that the screen blinked out.
Danny sighed, “Why’d you have to go and do that?”
“Danny’s right,” Beth said, “you didn’t have to put yourself in danger!”
“Yes I did!” Twilight said. “I can’t have any of you getting killed for us.”
“Oh man,” Wallow cried, “do you have any idea what that maniac will do to you if he gets his sweaty hands on you two?!”
“No, but I know what he was going to do to you four if you didn’t beat him!” Twilight said.
“Sorry guys,” Spike said, “I’m with Twilight. This is our mess and we need to at least share some of the danger.”
“But…” Wallow began to protest
“Forget it man,” Chris said as he rested a gantlet on the large man’s shoulder, “what’s done is done. Besides,” Chris smiled, “we’re going to go down there and kick the Duke’s flabby butt!”
The rest of the warrior shouted enthusiastic cries in reply.
-ooooooo-
“Ready, team?” Chris asked as his large grey and blue boot touched the flower covered soil of the planet just off the ramp.
“Ready!” his team replied.
The group looked across the vast landscape of flowers, gentle sloping hills and the odd rock or boulder that dotted the ground.
The Duke of Daisy stood a few hundred yards away, his giant, three story tall body towering over the field of flora as the yellow sun behind him cast a long, massive shadow towards the Bravest Warrior’s whale shaped ship. In his right hand, he held a giant, plain looking, brown club. His attire remained the same from his chat earlier with the addition of a metal bracer on his left forearm.
The Bravest Warriors all began walking off the ships ramp and towards their opponent.
“Be careful, you guys!” Twilight called out from the ship’s ramp.
“Kick his butt!” Spike called out.
“We will!” Beth shouted back.
Spike looked up at Twilight, “Are we really just going to sit and watch?”
“What do you think we could actually do?” Twilight asked.
Spike shook his head, “I don’t know, but anything is better than just giving up…”
The Duke’s grin widened showing a massive mouth full of yellowed and crooked teeth bookended by his large tusks. “Weapons?” He purred.
Chris raised his gauntlet covered palms as blue energy crackled from the circles on the front. The rest of the team rubbed the colored circles on their chest. A red cat shaped carbine appeared in Beth’s hands; A long, yellow rifle with the head of a dog in front of it appeared in Danny’s hands; and a large, light blue rocket launcher with wings on the side, and an eagle’s face on front appeared in Wallows.
Danny cocked an eyebrow as he examined The Duke’s choice of weapon. “Seriously, dude? A club?”
The Duke chuckled, “Of course! I love clubbing!”
“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“SPIKE!”
“What!?” Spike cried. “He’s like… not even trying.”
Chris rolled his eyes, “Well, what are we waiting for?”
The Duke smiles, “You may fire when ready.”
“LIGHT HIM UP!” Chris cried.
The Bravest Warriors raised their weapons and leveled them at the Duke. As they did, The Duke raised his bracer covered forearm. Energy beams and projectiles shot from their weapons only to impact harmlessly on a transparent, shimmering wall in front of The Duke.
“Awww, man…” Wallow said. “A hyper shield…”
The Duke’s eyelids lowered as his grin turned malevolent, “My turn…” he said in a grumbly voice. He raised his club vertically and tensed a finger against a button on the handle. Suddenly, the front facing side of the club slid open revealing dozens of weapon barrels that pointed out at the Bravest Warriors.
Chris’s eyes went wide, “RUN FOR COVER!”
The weapons on the club erupted into a thunderstorm of energy blasts that shot out at the human combatants. The Warriors ran for small hills and larger boulders as energy beams cut into the flowery landscape in violent bursts that send singed pedals and clumps of dirt into the air. “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” The Duke laughed maniacally as he continued to discharge hundreds of energy beams at his foes.
From the relative safety of the whale ship’s ramp, Twilight and Sparkle looked onward at the carnage in front of them.
“Still think we should help?” Twilight asked.
Spike’s fearful eyes looked out at the seemingly endless beams of destruction that rained out from The Duke’s club. “Ye…Yeah…” he answered.
“What?! You can’t be serious!” Twilight replied.
“Twilight, they’re risking their lives for us!” Spike said motioning out to the group. “Yes, its different and incredibly dangerous. But are you really going to be okay if they lose knowing you did nothing to help?!”
Twilight pursed her lips and looked out into the battlefield.
“COUNTER ATTACK!” Chris called.
From behind a hill, he and Beth leaned out from the edge and fired their own firearms at the Duke, Beth holding her laser kitty carbine in both hands and Chris facing his palms outwards as energy shot from the weapons.
The Duke positioned his bracer in between him and the blasts and the red and blue energy splashed harmlessly against his energy shield.
Wallow poked his head up from behind a rock, raised his eagle shaped rocket launcher, took aim, and fired. A rocket flew through the air and slammed into the Duke’s massive collection of back fat.
The Duke cried out in alarm that quickly gave way to a slightly pained coo, “AHHHHHoooooo….” He turned to Wallow with a smile, “That one had some pepper on it.”
“Uh-oh…” Wallow muttered.
The Duke held his bracer up in between Beth and Chris, allowing the two to continue pelting his shield with energy. “How about you try something with some real kick?” he asked as he pointed his large club at Wallow. He tensed his fingers again and the top of the club suddenly slid away, revealing a large, opening that crackled with yellow energy. The energy quickly coalesced into a massive ball of destruction.
“WALLOW, GET OUT OF THERE!” Beth cried.
‘PHEEEWHOOOOOOOOOO!’
Wallow ran and dove as a wide, energy beam flew from the club and vaporized the rock he was standing behind mere moments ago. The blast carved a deep, smoking trench in the ground as it fired off into the distance.
“Hey, fashion reject!” Danny called as he jumped into view. “Suck grenade!”
The Duke turned and raised his bracer as a metal, spherical object impacted his shimmering shield. Rather than explode, the ball held in place and crackled with energy that shot out along the shield. The Duke’s bracer began to spark and shake violently as small wafts of acrid smoke wafted up from it.
“Alright!” Spike cheered. “Go, Danny!”
The Duke chuckled, “Very clever, Mr. Vascuez,” he leaned down and picked up a large boulder, “but two can play catch.” The Duke through the gigantic rock at Danny with deadly accuracy.
Danny barely had time to utter an “Oh, man…” before the massive stone collided with him, denting his suit, shattering his domed helmet and sending the combat flying.
“DANNY!” Chris called.
“… Let’s go, Spike.” Twilight said.
Spike looked up at Twilight, “You mean it?”
Twilight nodded as she looked out at The Duke with determination writing across her face, “You’re right, out classed or not, we need to do something. I’ll never forgive myself if I just sit here the entire time.”
“That’s my girl!” Spike replied happily.
Chris, Beth, and Wallow raised their weapons.
The Duke tossed them a wicked smirk as he tensed his fingers on his club. Once again, a one of the metal sides slid away revealing dozens of energy weapon barrels that fired, peppering the landscape with deadly energy.
The three warriors dove for cover as another torrent of energy turned their immediate area into a nightmarish whirlwind of burning flowers and crackling ozone.
The Duke pointed his club at Danny’s fallen body. Once again the tip began to glow brightly with violent energy.
“HEY! TALL, FAT, AND UGLY!” Spike called.
“Huh?” The Duke turned just in time for a small rock to hit him right in the eye. “OW! What the heck bro?!”
“Sorry!” Spike shouted as Twilight approached with the baby dragon on her back. “I just wanted to get your attention!”
“I think you scratched my cornea!” The Duke cried as he rubbed at his eye and tried to pick the stone out with his yellow and cracked fingernail.
“I said I was sorry!” Spike replied.
“Uh, Hello, The Duke of Daisy…” Twilight said as she trotted up to the massive giant, “My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
“Uhg…” The Duke grunted out as he rubbed his eye, “… have you come to surrender and spare these weaklings from their brutal maiming?”
“Don’t do it, Twilight!” Beth called.
Twilight shook her head, “Not quite, I wanted to try my hand at saving myself.”
“Oh?” The Duke asked as he raised his brow. He erupted in a massive belly laugh, “HAHAHAHAHAHA… What do you think you can do here, little princess?”
Twilight smirked, “I bet I can get you to give up the gem.”
“HAHAHAHA! Oh my! You are a lot of fun! How do suppose you can do that?”
“I’ll limit myself to a single spell out of my collection, I’m sure it’ll be enough to defeat you,” Twilight said confidently.
“What the heck does she think she’s doing?!” Wallow cried.
Chris knitted his brow as he stared at the purple alicorn, “I guess she decided to take her fate into her own hands…”
“Hooves,” Beth corrected.
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DEFEAT ME?! ENTIRE BATTLE FLEETS HAVE FALLEN BEFORE MY MIGHT! GO AHEAD PRINCESS! DO YOUR WORST!”
Twilight closed her eyes as her horn began to flow purple, “Spike, go get Danny and bring him to the others.”
“Twilight, are you sure…”
Twilight opened her eyes, they too, had begun to glow with the same purple energy as her horn, “I’m sure…GO!”
“AH!” Spike cried as he leapt off the alicorn and ran in a dead sprint towards Danny. Soon, the little dragon reached the fallen human and gathered his ankles up in either arm.
“Wha…what?” Danny said as he groggily came to.
“WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!” Spike cried as he dashed towards the rest of the group, dragging Danny behind him.
Danny’s head bounded up and down over the ground and errant rocks hidden by the flowers, “OW! OWCH, DUDE! What’s the rush?!”
“Believe me,” Spike said, “You do not want to be in front of Twilight right now.
Danny turned as the purple energy around Twilight’s horn collected into a single, bright point. “OW!” he cried as Spike dragged him over another rock.
“HAHAHAHA! You think a little magic energy beam is enough to take out The Duke of Dai…”
‘ZCHCHCHCOOORoOoOoOoOoORCH!’
A gigantic purple beam shot from Twilight’s horn, the ground shook violently and the flowers in front of her vaporized in an instant as the air exploded in a hurricane of violent, crackling magical energy that engulfed all three stories of the Duke and flew off into the sky.
The giant duke glanced down at his reddened and singed body.
“Betcha you can only do that…”
‘ZCHCHCHCOOORoOoOoOoOoORCH!’
“…Twice.”
‘ZCHCHCHCOOORoOoOoOoOoORCH!’
The muscular monster of a being glanced at its, now, even more burnt and charred body, “So… Uh…” The Duke dipped a burnt and sizzling hand into his cut-off shorts pockets and pulled out a large, glowing, red gem. “Here ya go…” he said holding out the gem.
A purple glow surrounded the gem and floated over to Twilight. “Thanks!” she said sweetly.
The Duke of Daisy nodded, “Imma… Imma gonna go home and scream in agonizing pain under an ice cold shower for the next few hours, I think…”
He turned to the other warriors, “Alright, I know when I’m beat.” He grinned wide, “Not that it matters, you four proved your worthlessness...”
Beth and Chris exchanged irritated glances.
Chris rubbed the light blue circle on his chest and a large, round green bee appeared. “BUMBLE BEE STORM TO THE EYES!”
Beth’s laser kitty carbine transformed into a whip with the face of a cat, “POISONED CAT CLAWS TO THE EYES!”
A green mass of bees swarmed The Duke’s eyes as Beth’s energy cat whip extended the distance towards The Duke’s face. He cried out in pain as his optical organs were assaulted by bee stings and a flurry of angry scratches. “OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!”
Danny chuckled as Spike brought him back to the rest of the group, “Oh man, we just got schooled by a magical, purple, alicorn Princess.”
“Hey,” Spike protested, “I threw the rock!”
Wallow leaned down rested a massive hand on the dragon’s shoulder, “Good job buddy, you exposed The Duke’s weakness…” Wallow paused and added, “… aside from point blank annihilation shot from a unicorn horn, that is.”
Spike beamed.
Twilight trotted up to the group as she floated the red gem next to her.
“You did it!” Beth cried as she rushed up and hugged the alicorn.
“I couldn’t have done it with all your help,” Twilight said as she wrapped an arm around Beth.
Chris placed his gauntlets to either side of his domed helmet, “HAHA! We did it! I can’t believe we took out The Duke!”
“Well done, Bravest Warriors,” an aged voice called out. “You showed that trashy clothes wearing warlord who really keeps a fully stocked spice rack!”
The group turned as an old man with white hair approached in a suit identical to Chris’s, with the exception that he had a pair of white socks pulled up over the boots.
“OH man! The Emotion Lord!” Danny said happily as he held up a fist.
The Emotion Lord gave Danny’s gauntlet covered fist a bump with his own, “What it is, Danny!”
“So you’re the one who gave Chris that note,” Twilight said with a smile, “thanks! You made it so Spike and I can go home…”
“Aww shucks,” The Emotion Lord replied, “all I did was mail a little post card, all of you did the real work.” He looked at the Bravest Warriors, “I hope you all learned a valuable lesson about judging people… and ponies.”
The four humans nodded.
“Yeah, just because someone looks harmless doesn’t mean they’re not capable of great bravery,” Chris said.
“Or isn’t a walking magical nexus of destructive energy,” Danny added.
The Emotion Lord kneeled down and placed his gauntlet covered hand on Twilight, “Twilight, I hope you learned something as well…”
Twilight nodded and extended a wing, drawing Spike closer to her, “I did! Never lose faith in yourself, no matter how different or daunting the task in front of you seems.”
The Emotion Lord paused “…Well, I was thinking more along the lines of enjoying the time you have, but what the hey? I like yours better and mine sounds a bit hippo-critical given I can time travel.”
“So that’s it?” Spike asked as he glanced at Twilight. “We’re going home?”
Twilight looked up at the smiling faces of the Bravest Warriors and smiled wide, “Actually… I was thinking, ‘Soft Taco Party’.”
The group erupted in a chorus of cheers.
-ooooooo-
“Whouhuahuahhuahuaaa!” Impossibear cried as he held Spike in a tight embrace and tears streamed down his face. “I’ll miss you! You are a rad dude, Spike!”
“I’ll miss you, too, Impossibear,” Spike said as he returned the embrace, “Especially that bodacious stash of yours.”
Impossibear’s lips quivered as he pulled away to face Spike, “I can’t… I’M SO BAD AT GOODBYES!” He cried as he broke the hug and sprinted away.
Twilight shook her head and chuckled, she glanced at a small piece of paper in Spike’s claw. “What’s that for?”
Spike snickered, “You’ll see…”
“Spike!” Catbug called out as he fluttered to the purple dragon, “I heard you were going soon and wanted to give you an extra, special, friendship hug!”
Spike smiled, “Sure, Catbug!”
The light blue cat with the ladybug shell wrapped his stubby arms around Spike as the purple dragon mirrored the embrace.
Catbug snickered as he taped a note that read, ‘Kick me’ on the back of the baby dragon.
Spike sniggered to himself as he also taped a note that read the same on the back of Catbug.
“Bye-bye, friend!” Catbug called as he fluttered away.
Spike waved, “Yep, bye!”
Twilight giggled and removed the note from Spike’s back, crumpling it as she did.
“OW!” Catbug called out from the crowd of dancing creatures. “Who kicked me!?”
“So… I guess this is goodbye…” Beth said as she walked up to Twilight and Spike.
“Awww man,” Wallow uttered as he followed Beth, “are you sure we can’t convince you guys to stay?”
Twilight shook her head. “Sorry, but we have friends that will miss us and our own world to take care of,” she said with a smile.
Beth nodded, “We understand.” She kneeled down and wrapped her arms around Twilight. “I’ll never forget you Twilight.”
Twilight wrapped her own arm and a wing over Beth, “I’ll never forget you either.”
Wallow leaned down and gathered up Spike in a big bear hug, “I’ll miss you bro!”
“Ooof….” Spike gave Wallow a small smile, “Yeah, I’ll miss you, too, big guy.”
“Oh man, is this a taco party, or some sort of lame hugging party?!” Danny asked as he walked up to the group with Chris.
“Danny!” Beth cried, “Don’t ruin the moment.”
“Chill Tezuka,” Danny said with a smile, “I was just having a little bit of fun before these two take off.”
Wallow sat Spike down on the ground.
Danny extended his fist downward as he looked at the dragon, “Stay radical, little buddy!”
Spike grinned and bumped Danny’s fist with his claw, “Oh, you know I will! You just keep this place awesome!”
Danny chuckled, “You know it.”
“Twilight?” Chris said as he saluted the purple alicorn. “It was a pleasure and an honor fighting alongside you.”
Twilight hovered up on her wings and wrapped an arm around Chris’s shoulder giving him a small hug, “The pleasure was mine.”
Chris smiled and gave Twilight a quick hug.
“Now,” Twilight said as she lowered herself to ground, “can someone explain to me how this thing works?” she asked as she levitated the red gem into view.
The Bravest Warriors all shifted nervously.
“I KNOW!” Danny’s future self cried as he appeared from behind Wallow with a massive sombrero on his head. “You rub the gem and hold on tight while thinking about the time and place you want to go!”
Twilight’s eyes widened slightly as she stared at the gem. “The time and place…” she murmured. She smiled and wrapped an arm around Spike, pulling him close to her. “Hang on Spike, we’re going home!” She looked up at the warriors and smiled warmly, “Goodbye everyone! Thanks for everything!”
“See ya, bros!” Spike said as he waved enthusiastically.
“Goodbye!” Beth said.
“Audios amigos!” Danny said.
“Take it easy, dudes!” Wallow said.
“Farewell, guys!” Danny said.
Twilight brought the gem up and began rubbing it with her hoof. Spike extended a claw out to it and in a red flash, the pair where gone.
Wallow sighed, “I’m really going to miss those two.”
Danny nodded, “I hear ya. Where are we going to find another flying unicorn that shoots gigantic, warlord frying beams of magic?”
“Awwww… are they gone already?!” Impossibear cried as he ran up to the group. “I was gonna pass out gifts!” he declared as he held up another package with red wires sticking out of the wrapping and a digital counter on the front.
“IMPOSSIBEAR! NO!” Wallow cried.
Chris sighed and rolled his eyes, “Here we go again…”
“Ah, man…” Danny said as he smacked his palm against his forehead.
“I’ll go open a window…” Beth said dryly as she walked away from the group.
-ooooooo-
‘Chzzoo…’
In a red flash, Twilight and Spike appeared in the darkness of the library.
Spike looked around. “It worked!” he exclaimed. “We’re back!”
Twilight put a hoof up to her mouth, “Shhhhh… stay here,” she commanded softly.
“Huh… Twilight?”
Twilight quietly flapped up to the top of the library then back down again with a giant smile, “The gem worked perfectly…” she announced quietly.
“Huh… well, of course it worked. We’re back at the library!”
“We’re back three hours before we left,” Twilight informed.
“What?” Spike exclaimed. “That means…”
Twilight nodded, “Past you and I are still asleep.”
“But… ”
Twilight grinned, “I’m going to get that reading out of the way! Now… I think I’ll find Stonepower’s Encyclopedia of Spells right where it should be…” she mused.
Spike smacked a claw against his face, “You’re your own worst enemy, you know that? This is going to seriously mess up my sleep schedule… I’m going to go find an out of the way place to sleep and make a small bed out of books.”
Twilight nodded, “Oh! One more thing.”
Spike rolled his eyes, “What is it.”
Twilight extended her arms and hugged the dragon in a tight embrace, “Thanks for always being there for me… and believing in me even when I don’t believe in myself.”
Spike paused and wrapped his arms around his friend, “Anytime, Twilight… anytime… or place even.” He added with a grin.
The End
As You Fancy, Minister
Dawn broke. It wasn’t too bright yet, but it would be soon.
I awoke. Hardly out of any wish to do so, unfortunately. My alarm clock was ringing. It was growing to be an incredible nuisance. I’d set it to the tune of my favourite song, Beethooven’s Fifth Symphony, and as of three months ago, that tune makes me want to tear my hair out.
With a pronounced groan, I brought my hoof down upon the offending device with a satisfying thunk. It stopped ringing abruptly. I tried to settle back into the covers, burying my head in the welcoming pillow. Sweet, sweet sleep…
The door flew open. My beloved wife of ten years stood in the doorway.
“Good morning, Fancy!” She said cheerfully.
I have never wanted to strangle her more than I do now.
“Yes, Fleur?” I grunted, squeezing my eyes shut.
“I just came from the mailbox.”
“Uh huh.” I was only half-listening.
“There’s a letter from you from the government.”
“Right.”
“But it’s not just any ordinary letter.”
“What is it, then?”
“You won the election!”
All of a sudden, everything froze. I slowly processed what I’d been told.
“... what?” I eventually asked.
“You won the election, Fancy!” She repeated.
I wasn’t sure if I was misunderstanding her. “You’re not talking about the election for the Presidency of the Wine of the Month club, are you?”
“No.”
“And you’re not talking about the election to the local Board of Governors?”
“That’s not even a real election, dear.” She smiled at me patiently. I think she understood just how bewildered I was.
“So… then… I really won the election of the Democratic Empire of Equestria?” I ventured.
“Yes… Minister.” She nodded. “Congratulations.”
Suddenly, I didn’t feel like sleeping any more. I leapt out of bed. “What ministry am I getting?”
“Perhaps you’d best read the letter for yourself.” Fleur levitated an open envelope over to me. I reached out with my telekinesis and retrieved it. Pulling the letter out, I began to read.
Dear Mr Fancy Pants:
Congratulations on your new appointment. The ponies of Canterlot have deemed you fit for the position of a Minister of the Crown. The Ministry of Administrative Affairs has been entrusted to your care. Please be at the palace at 8am today for further details.
Yours Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
I slowly lowered the letter. “Am I dreaming?”
“You could always try to hurt yourself, just to make sure.” Fleur offered.
I walked over to my alarm clock and reset the alarm. Immediately, the soft tune of Beethooven’s Fifth Symphony emerged from its speakers and assaulted my eardrums mercilessly. After a full minute, I turned it back off.
“I’m not dreaming.” I stated flatly.
She laughed. “I figured as much after the first ten seconds. You didn’t need to play it for a whole minute.”
“I needed to make sure.” I said defensively.
“Right…” She gave me a knowing grin. “I think somepony’s beginning to like the Fifth Symphony again.”
“... Maybe.” I admitted. After all, it was the song that woke me up this beautiful morning.
Time passed quickly. After I clambered out of bed, I rushed through my morning routine with as much care as my haste could afford. Half an hour later, I stepped out of my house, my teeth sparkling, my stomach full, and my mane brushed impeccably. I wore my signature dress coat with my purple bowtie and blue suit. I’d made sure the coattails were especially well-ironed today. After all, first appearances in Canterlot tend to be particularly important. Especially when it’s the first appearance one makes as a Minister.
I breathed in the fresh morning air. It invigorated me. Though I dare say that a lingering sentiment of euphoria from my wakeup call contributed somewhat to the energy boost.
As I started off towards the palace, a spring in my step, I took the time to admire the scenery. Everything seemed to have a little more colour today.
I heard a door open behind me. I turned around and saw Jet Set stumble out of his mansion down the street, rubbing his eyes in disbelief.
“Good morning, Jet Set!” I called.
“Fancy Pants?” He squinted at me. “Is that you?”
I laughed good-naturedly. “The one and only.”
“What business brings you to venture out at this hour? Usually I only see you around noon.”
“I received some good news.” I said. “I won the election!”
“Uh… do you mean the election for the Presidency of the Wine of the Month club?” He asked, confused.
“No, no, the national elections.” I explained. “I’ve been appointed as a Minister of the Crown.”
“Well, I do say…” He wore an expression of dumbfounded shock. Forcing a smile, he said, “Congratulations, Fancy!”
“Thank you, thank you.” I inclined my head appreciatively. “I wonder who voted for me…”
“Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but Upper Crust and I supported you the whole way.” Jet Set injected as much artificial warmth into his smile as he could. If I hadn’t known that it was all an act I might have been touched.
“And I am immensely grateful for it.” I replied, maintaining my mask.
“Remember when you were making your election speech?” He asked.
“Yes, I saw you there.” I acknowledged. I purposefully neglected to mention that I’d seen him at Blueblood’s speech too, cheering louder than he had for me.
Two-faced little-
“Don’t forget us normal ponies when you’re up there making decisions for Equestria.” He nudged me jovially.
“I won’t.” I said, silently resolving to forget him as much as I could.
He seemed satisfied with my assurance. “Well, you seem to be in a hurry. I wouldn’t like to hold you back.”
“Goodbye, then.”
“Good day.” He waved farewell and trotted away. I caught a glimpse of his smug grin a brief second before he disappeared back through the door of his opulent mansion.
I shook my head sadly. A bit of the colour faded from the city. Strangely, after all my years as a resident in Canterlot, mingling with the social elite hasn’t gotten any easier.
I shouldn’t think like that. I reflected. Besides, I shouldn’t be getting any more of this nonsense in the palace.
With that reassuring thought firmly in mind, I resumed my journey, making a conscious effort to hold my head up high. As a Minister, I shouldn’t show anything less than complete confidence. Of course, nopony knew I was a Minister yet, but they soon would. Perhaps in this morning’s papers.
Just the thought of it made me giddy with excitement. I mean, I’d always been well-known, but only mostly in the Canterlot social circles. A Minister, however, would be known throughout all of Equestria! The sheer magnitude of it was staggering. There were only a few who enjoyed such extensive publicity - the royal family, some of the most popular celebrities, and everypony else in our democratically elected government.
I forced myself to calm down. Composure was another vital Ministerial virtue, and I would be damned if I allowed myself to seem like anything less than the perfect candidate for the honour that had been bestowed upon me.
I surveyed my surroundings. Ponies were sticking their heads out of the buildings lining the street on either side, watching me with obvious interest. Some waved at me, others gave me a respectful nod, and a few frowned at me as I trotted past. From what I remember, they were my competitors in the recent election. I smiled at them.
So absorbed was I in greeting that I nearly ran straight into the newspaper delivery mare.
I apologised profusely. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”
“No need to apologise.” She replied, a wry grin on her face. “It was my fault.”
“No, no, it was mine.” I insisted.
“Perish the thought… Minister.” She hoofed a copy of today’s news to me and galloped off, saying goodbye.
I read the headlines: New Minister’s Fancy.
Looks like I made it into the morning papers after all. And as ponies began to come out of their houses to collect their own newspapers, several looks of dawning comprehension came my way.
I picked up the pace coolly. There was almost no doubt that I would soon be mobbed - albeit in a respectful way, the kind that would let them do as much bootlicking as possible. It would do wonders for my ego, to be sure, but I don’t think it needs any more boosting right now. I might get a swollen head. That wouldn’t be good at all. Not to mention that I’d never get through a mob like that. I’d be stuck fast until midnight.
A cavalcade of pounding hooves sent tingles down my spine. Looks like I was right.
For the first time in twenty years, I broke into a full-blown gallop. It was exhilarating. Thankfully, through it all, the directions to the palace screamed at me in my head.
Left. Left. Right. Left.
I’d always heard that the surroundings stretch into a blur when you’re at the losing end of a chase, but everything manifested themselves around me with perfect clarity.
I almost whooped in excitement. Composure, Fancy.
Though I’m not sure how much that matters when you’re in a chase.
“So, how do you feel about getting a new Minister?”
“I don’t know, Sir Apple. I haven’t even met him yet.”
“You don’t need to meet him to have an opinion, Woolly. It’s a foregone conclusion that he won’t be able inconvenience us. He’ll probably give up after the first few months.”
“We don’t know yet. He could be different.”
“That is exactly what you said about Blueblood.”
“He was once a royal. I thought he might be better.”
“Was he?”
“...”
“I thought not. Now, get ready to meet our new Minister. He should be here at any moment.”
“... Yes, Sir Apple.”
I reached the grand stairway to the palace at last, panting heavily. I suspected that any hint of composure had crumbled to dust five minutes ago, but who could expect me to stay dignified while being chased by a hundred admirers?
The mad frenzy of thundering hooves drew closer. I took a step onto the stairs.
Immediately, the sound stopped. I allowed myself a brief smirk of triumph. To even set hoof onto the steps of the palace without an invitation or high enough social status was considered immeasurably disrespectful among the prominent social circles of Canterlot, despite the Princesses themselves constantly saying otherwise.
I turned around. The crowd was staring at me with evident dismay. But there was something else in their eyes. Curiosity, perhaps?
I looked back up the stairs. There, at the very top, stood two ponies silhouetted against the glare of the rising sun. The first one’s head was turned downwards, and as he noticed my presence, he began his descent to greet me. The second followed dutifully.
I climbed the stairs slowly, aware of the crowd who was watching me from behind. The features of the silhouettes gradually became visible as they drew closer.
The first was an earth pony. His coat was a particularly light shade of auburn. His orange mane, impeccably combed, reminded me of my own before my chase. Much of his torso was concealed beneath a well-ironed business suit. The other, a unicorn, had a blue-grey mane which seemed only slightly messier than his companion’s. His suit had a few creases and crinkles in it, although I couldn’t possibly guess at the cause. Finally, a very significant detail: his face was twisted in distinct discomfort, a stark contrast to the other’s confident smile.
“Good morning, Minister.” The earth pony said. “You’re early.”
“So are you.” I pointed out.
“True, true.” He nodded. “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sir Apple Bee, your Permanent Secretary.”
A civil servant. There have been many rumours about the Equestrian Civil Service going around the social scene, most of them bad. They span the whole range, from being deliberately uncooperative to actively making Ministers’ lives a miserable wreck. But because retired Ministers invariably remain silent about their experiences in government, these rumours never have any backing evidence.
Rumours don’t start from nothing, though. No smoke without fire, as they say. I should watch my back.
“‘Sir’?” I asked. “You’re a knight?”
“Indeed, I am.” He confirmed. “As a Senior Civil Servant of the Equestrian Empire who has laboured for more than ten years in his profession, such honours have been bestowed upon me to reward my tireless effort.”
He was unusually flowery with his language. I didn’t know what to make of it, so I decided to ignore it. “I see. And,” I turned to the unicorn, “who are you?”
“I am Barnyard Woolly, Minister.” He replied.
I noted the lack of prefix. “You’re not a knight?”
“Of course not.” He answered with surprise. “I have only been in the Service for three years.”
“So, if Sir Apple is my Permanent Secretary, who are you?”
“I am your Private Secretary, Minister. In other words, the Principal Private Secretary of the Ministry of Administrative Affairs.”
Being new to the government, I wasn’t yet entirely sure of all of its inner workings. “If I may ask, how are my two Secretaries different?”
Apple was quick to explain. “I, the Permanent Secretary, am in charge of administering the Ministry as a whole.”
“I thought that the Minister was in charge of administering his Ministry.”
“Celestia forbid. Such a task in beneath you.” Apple shook his head disdainfully. “No, your job, Minister, is to make decisions. Woolly’s role as your Principal Private Secretary is to disseminate these decisions and oversee their implementation by me and the Ministry.”
“I see.”
“He is also your personal aide, in that he will be by your side during work hours, take careful minutes of your conferences, organise your schedule, advise you in your decision-making, and the like.”
Woolly certainly sounded like the more important of the two, judging by his relative proximity to me. But, if his submissive posture is anything to go by, everything is not as it seems.
“So, you, Sir Apple, are in charge of the civil servants in my Ministry?”
“Yes, Minister.”
“All of them?” I was beginning to realise the implications of what I was asking.
“Of course.”
“Wouldn’t that mean that you are, in turn, Woolly’s superior?”
“... Yes…” He conceded reluctantly. “But only nominally. In practice, this is not so. Isn’t that right, Woolly?”
“Yes, Sir Apple.” Woolly replied dutifully.
All in all, a poor act. It seems that even my Private Secretary can be controlled by Sir Apple. And if the rumours of the lack of cooperation between the Civil Service and Ministers were true…
“Can I ask you another question?”
“Please, feel free.” Apple assured me.
“There have been rumours flying around.” I said.
“There always are.” He remarked with a weary grin.
“About the Civil Service, specifically.” I continued. “That they aren’t big on working with Ministers as a team.”
I expected an outright denial. I didn’t get one. “Perhaps, Minister, there is some truth to these claims.”
“Really?” I asked incredulously. I didn’t think he’d confess.
“Some. But ultimately, it only applies to those Ministers who believe that they are always right.”
“What do you mean?”
“On occasion, a Minister - usually an inexperienced one - presents a policy that is unfeasible. Of course, the Civil Service is bound by duty to point out the flaws. Many Ministers take it well. Some do not. Obviously, the Service cannot follow through with such a plan despite the Minister’s insistence, so they obstruct it as best they can.”
There was some truth to his argument. Especially since a large portion of the Canterlot social elite would fall under the latter kind of Minister! But there was one thing that stuck out at me.
“Sir Apple,” I inquired, “what defines an unfeasible policy?”
His smile faded slightly. “Well, there is a long list of telltale signs. Very, very lengthy. We could furnish you with a copy, if you so wish, but-”
“Give me one.” I ordered.
“With all due respect, Minister, you have many better ways to spend your time.”
“I will have one anyway.” I stated firmly. He was being far too obvious about trying to keep me from it.
Perhaps these Civil Servants will not be as hard to outmanoeuvre at I’d thought.
“... Your word is law, Minister.” He reluctantly acquiesced.
“Good, good.” I nodded. “Now, onto other issues.”
“Perhaps,” Sir Apple suggested, “we ought to discuss these other issues in your office.”
It was then, at that exact moment, that I remembered that we were still standing on the stairs. Under the heat of the sun. With the crowd at the bottom awkwardly staring up at us.
“Ah… that sounds like a good idea.” I agreed.
“Sir Apple rarely has bad ones.” Woolly piped up.
“Well said, Woolly.” Sir Apple smiled.
If he’s going to obstruct my policies, I should hope that his stream of good ideas runs dry. And soon. “So, where is my office?”
“In the palace.” Woolly replied. “Allow me to bring you there.”
“Lead the way.” I said.
“As you fancy, Minister.” With a purposeful stride, he marched up the stairs, towards the huge double doors of the front entrance. I hurried after him, leaving Sir Apple as far behind as I could.
“Woolly? Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“I don’t mean to pry, but… why does your suit have crinkles while Sir Apple’s is immaculate?”
He hesitated. “I… well…”
“You don’t need to answer that if you don’t want to.” I backtracked quickly. “I was just curious, is all.”
“... Actually, Minister, you seemed so dishevelled when you were coming up the stairs just now, and I didn’t want you to feel left out, so…” He trailed off.
I was pleased. “You messed up your suit for me?”
“Please, Minister, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful!” He panicked. “I knew I had to observe proper formality at all times, but I didn’t- I- you-”
“No, no, you misunderstand.” I hastily reassured him. “I’m touched that you would risk a breach in decorum for me.”
“I… oh.” Woolly gave me a relieved smile. “Thank you.”
“My pleasure.” I said. And, for the first time in the past ten years. I found that I meant it.
It was a good feeling.
On the way to my office, we trudged past corridor after corridor of frenzied activity. Papers and folders, encapsulated in glowing auras of varying hues, flew around rooms and even across the hallways, speeding from door to door in a poor attempt at organisation.
“Are things always this busy?” I asked Woolly.
Sir Apple answered instead. “Most of the time, Minister.”
“Duck.” Woolly added. I complied, just in time to avoid a particularly bulky file travelling at bone-shattering speeds.
“How am I supposed to get used to this?” I complained.
“Worry not, you eventually will.” Sir Apple assured me. “In the fullness of time.”
“That’s good to know.” On second thought, that doesn’t sound very helpful at all - ‘the fullness of time’ could be anytime between now and doomsday!
Fate took advantage of my momentary distraction to scare me. Another object - a parcel this time - missed the tip of my nose by mere millimetres.
“Be careful, Minister.” Sir Apple advised. As if that wasn’t already obvious.
“Surely there is a better way of doing things.” I said. “Some way that doesn’t throw workplace safety out of the twentieth-story palace window.”
“Perhaps, but that implies change.” Sir Apple explained. “Change is always a dangerous notion.”
“How so?” I asked, surprised.
“It is as the old adage goes; ‘Better the demon you know than the one you don’t.’”
“Not all change is bad.” I retorted.
“Maybe not, but how can one tell? There may be all sorts of unforeseen consequences. If matters can be handled under the current status quo, there is no sense upsetting the balance.”
“But what if it can be handled better?”
“With respect, Minister, the term ‘better’ is subjective. Not to mention that it is often difficult to ascertain whether a certain situation can be considered advantageous or not.”
“Give me an example.”
“Certainly. These busy halls you were just complaining about once prevented an assassination attempt on the last Minister of Administrative Affairs.”
“Oh my.” It sounded ghastly. Not to mention I couldn’t figure out who would want to assassinate a Minister in charge of something as uncontroversial as administration. “Who was the Minister back then?”
“Blueblood.” Woolly informed me.
Suddenly, everything made sense. “How was the assassin stopped?”
“He was battered into unconsciousness.” Woolly said.
“Oh.” I replied. What else could I say? It was painfully obvious. Literally.
“We have arrived.” Sir Apple’s voice cut through my thoughts. “This is your office.”
Woolly held the door open for me. I stepped in.
The sight dazzled me. The lavish cobalt carpet that stretched from corner to corner of the room caught my eye first. The room itself was by no means small; it was easily one and a half times as big as the average living room in Canterlot. The mosaic on the ceiling, a perfect copy of Celestia's cutie mark, shone immaculately in the morning light. Beside a thoroughly polished oakwood desk, a large window across the western wall gave me a splendid view of the city’s majesty.
“Am I to take it by your silence that you are pleased?” Sir Apple asked.
“Very.” I murmured distantly. “Truly amazing…”
“We hoped you would be satisfied, Minister.” Woolly said cheerfully. “The entire Ministry spent the past week tidying up this room for you.”
How thoughtful of them. “They shouldn’t have.” I replied.
“I will inform the others of your satisfaction.” Woolly continued. “They will be duly pleased.”
“Feel free to do that.” I said, landing squarely back in reality. “But for now, it’s time to get down to business.”
“Of course, Minister.” Sir Apple said. “What, then, is your first order of business?”
At once, everything came to mind. The details of my Grand Design spilled out of my mouth.
“I have a vision of reform.” I announced.
Woolly leaned towards Sir Apple and whispered conspiratorially. The latter chuckled quietly.
“What’s so funny?” I inquired.
“No, Minister, we were just noting that Blueblood gave a speech with the exact same opening statement.” Woolly explained. “It was an excellent comedy act.”
This does not bode well. I don’t want my secretaries to treat my plan as a joke. “Mine is not the same as his.”
Instantly, the smile wiped itself clean off Sir Apple’s face. “Quite so, Minister.” He agreed firmly.
“It is very serious.”
“Of course.”
“I plan to cut down on the amount of worthless administration in this system.”
“A noble cause, Min…” He paused. “Hold on, what did you say?”
“I want to reduce the sheer volume of red tape we have to swim through to get things done.” I asserted. “My last attempt at repurposing and renovating a government building for my business took me five years - not because of the renovation, mind you, which only took six months, but the delay in the government system!”
“Um… how dreadful.” Woolly said.
“I assure you, Minister, that was but an anomaly.” Sir Apple answered smoothly. “The system is usually far more efficient.”
“Really?” I asked. “Give me one administrative process that took less than a year to complete.”
“There are hundreds.”
“Give me one.”
“Uh… alright. There was an application for a job vacancy.”
“How long did you take to respond to that?”
“Only ten months.”
“Ten months?” I was shocked. “You left it open for so long?”
“Of course not.” He responded indignantly.
“Oh, so you were joking.”
“No, I was not. It took us ten months to respond.”
Horror dawned. “Then… when was he actually hired?”
“Well…” Sir Apple looked sheepish. “Eighteen months later.”
“This is appalling!” I shouted. “See, this is exactly the type of administration I want to cut down on!”
“Surely not.” Sir Apple frowned.
“I mean it.” I added.
“And it is, indeed, a brilliant idea.” I almost didn’t notice that he reversed his position in the blink of an eye. It’s better not to question it - if he’s on my side that just reinforces my point.
“What are your views?” I asked him.
“This idea is truly imaginative. Novel. Ingenious.”
I think that was praise. I'm not too sure though - he wrinkled his nose distastefully when he said it.
"So you'll support me?" I ventured. "You'll ensure that my Grand Design isn't obstructed?"
"Most certainly, Minister." He confirmed. "However, there may be many unforeseen problems with your plan."
"Such as?"
"Surely you don't expect me to summon cogent arguments without sufficient forethought."
"Then what do you suggest?"
"I propose that we set up an interdepartmental committee to investigate the possible consequences so that, in due course, we will be in a position to consider the full implications and make a sound decision in the light of these aforementioned implications." He said.
I only caught the first half of that sentence. "An interdepartmental committee?"
"A formal discussion, concerning a proposed policy which a Minister wants to see through, between the affected Ministries." Woolly explained helpfully. "It is standard practice to initiate one in order to assess the feasibility of a particularly weighty policy."
It sounded reasonable to me, at least on the surface of it. "When can we expect to reach a conclusion?"
"It differs from case to case." Sir Apple informed me. "For a plan such as yours, Minster, it might take some time. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day."
Fair enough. "Alright, then, set one up." I commanded. "I want to implement my reforms as soon as possible."
"Yes, Minister." My secretaries bowed respectfully and, with an air of evident satisfaction, shuffled out of the room.
This has been an immensely fulfilling day.
I started the next morning early. By the time the sweet, melodic tune of Beethooven's Fifth Symphony drifted into my waiting ears I in the bathroom, giving my teeth a good scrubbing-down. I switched the alarm off with a quick flash of magic.
I put down the toothbrush, gave my mouth a momentary glance, and rushed through the living room. Picking up and slipping into my well-pressed suit on my way, I hurried out the door.
I'm not going to be later than Sir Apple today.
My path brought me past Jet Set's house. He was staring out the window. It gave me immense pleasure to ignore him completely. Out of the corner of my eye, I noted his shocked expression with glee. I suppressed the urge to laugh and trotted away from him briskly.
Ten minutes of peaceful solitude passed uneventfully. I began to grow suspicious. It had taken all of five minutes for a mob to gather yesterday. Why was I now so alone?
I oughtn't question it. I reflected. It's not like having a horde on my tail was doing me any favours anyway.
My ego wilted a little. I tried to ignore it, with limited success.
My mind, locked in battle with my bruised self-esteem, drifted slowly away from reality. My legs carried me to the palace, acting of their own accord. I was making my way up the stairs when a voice cut through my thoughts.
"Good morning, Minister." Sir Apple said.
He'd beaten me again. I was disappointed. How did these Civil Servants always manage to be so early?
I didn't let the dismay show. "Good morning, Sir Apple." I greeted. "What brings you here so early?"
"The same business as you." He replied. "The nation's needs."
"Quite." I agreed. "Has the interdepartmental committee been prepared yet?"
"The first meeting is convening now. Woolly is waiting for you in the conference room."
"Good, good." I nodded approvingly.
"Also, Minister, this is for you." He motioned to a towering pillar of paper by his side. It amazed me that I hadn’t noticed it first. Sir Apple himself was at least half a metre shorter than the stack.
“What is that?” I asked, shocked.
“The list of factors that defines an unfeasible policy.”
“But…how could it be so long?”
“I did explain that it was a lengthy list, Minister.” Sir Apple said.
I wondered what to do with it. “Can you bring it to my office?”
“The Ministry will take care of it, if you so wish.”
“Alright, then. I’ll find time to read it as soon as possible.” Goodness knows how long it’s going to take me to finish! “Where is the conference room?”
“Allow me to lead you there, Minister.”
“Thank you.” I find it curious that they insist on leading me everywhere. I understand that it’s only my second day as a Minister, but surely they need only give me the directions. Don’t they have their own things to do?
Nonetheless, Sir Apple had already begun his walk into the palace, so I had no choice but to follow him quietly. We didn’t take the route past my department again - thankfully, because I’m not sure I’m in shape to do all that dodging so early in the morning - but rather moved in the opposite direction, away from the obstacle course. Sir Apple stopped at the third door on the right and nudged it open gently, ushering me in.
I scanned the room. There were three Ministers assembled around a circular mahogany table in the centre of the room, flanked by ponies I assumed were their Private Secretaries. Woolly himself stood beside an empty silk pillow, bowing gently at my entrance.
The other Ministers rose as well. “Greetings, Fancy.” One of them, an azure unicorn, smiled at him, his amber-coloured eyes twinkling. “Congratulations on your appointment.”
There were several more muttered echoes of “yes, congratulations”.
“Thank you, everyone.” I said. “So, Night Light, what Ministry are you heading?”
“Health and Social Security.” The unicorn replied. “Caesar, here,” he motioned to a grey earth pony at the far end of the table, “is in charge of Economy.”
Caesar inclined his head respectfully, not a strand of his light-greyish hair falling out of place. “Indeed.”
“What about you, Ribbon?” I questioned.
“I’m the Minister of Employment,” said the last Minister, a cerise-coated unicorn with a cobalt mane. “Pleased to see that you’ve become a Minister yourself, Fancy.”
I acknowledged her pleasantry with a nod and turned to Woolly. “Are these all the Ministers who will be affected by my planned policy change?”
“There are more.” He said. “But this is just a hastily-prepared preliminary meeting, so not all the Ministers’ schedules were free.”
I guess this will have to do. “Shall we begin?” I asked.
“Certainly.” Caesar began smoothly. “If I’m not mistaken, Fancy, you plan to reduce administration in the government, correct?”
“Correct. It would certainly cut down on the time spent dealing with administrative procedures.”
“Be as it may, it worries me that you might not have taken into account the fact that all of this paperwork might serve a purpose greatly pertinent to the functions of the government.”
He sounded like Sir Apple. The level of complexity of his speech certainly mirrored my Permanent Secretary’s. “What purpose might this be?”
He paused inexplicably. I was momentarily baffled. But then, the brief glint of a dull magic aura caught my eye, and a thin slip of paper slid its way onto the table.
Notes! He was reading from notes!
“You see, much of this paperwork are copies of documents and minutes of relevant meetings, stored and filed away in the archives of every Ministry. It serves as a store of crucial information.”
I picked up on the phrase ‘archives of every Ministry’. “Each Ministry has an archive of its own?”
“Of course.”
“Why not just have one large central archive?” I suggested.
Caesar opened his mouth to respond, but his secretary preempted him. “If I may crave your indulgence for a moment, Minister, that would take a great amount of administrative and logistical work to rearrange. The cost would outweigh the benefits.”
“Speaking of costs outweighing benefits,” Ribbon interjected, “it is also apparent that a planned reduction of administration would take a great amount of time to implement.”
“A great amount of time?” I was astounded. “How? It’s not like we’re constructing buildings or growing a crop. This is just a change in procedure.”
“You underestimate the impact of even the smallest alteration in procedure.” Caesar replied in her stead.
“Nonetheless, it is primarily an alteration in administrative procedure.” I countered. “It is my Ministry that will shoulder most of the burden.”
“We all have our own internal administrative affairs as well.” Ribbon snapped. “Needless to say, executing such a procedural shift will bring unnecessary work upon our Ministries.”
“Quite right.” Caesar asserted.
“And what about you, Night Light?” I turned to him. “I suppose you have something against my plan as well?”
At least he had the decency to look embarrassed. “I’m sorry, Fancy, but my Permanent Secretary advises me that achieving your aim, at least in its current form, would be premature. Precipitate.”
“But the arguments against my position so far have been against its fundamental nature, not its current form.” I protested. “How can we accomplish great change without great effort?”
“It’s always a matter of cost-benefit analysis.” Ribbon remarked. “Unfortunately, Fancy, your policy’s costs outweigh the benefits by far.”
“It… never mind.” I sighed. “I think I’ve heard enough. I need some time to think this through”
Night Light stood up. “Shall I take my leave now, Fancy?”
“Please, feel free.” I gestured to the door. Night Light nodded at the others, who followed him out of the room. Only Woolly stayed behind, closing the door gently behind the rest.
“How do you think that went?” I asked him.
“It went… um… well, Minister.” He answered cautiously, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor.
I could sense an air of studied ambiguity. Was he hiding something from me?
I had to choose my next words carefully. “What makes you say that?”
“I… uh… logical objections to your plan were brought up.”
“But no solutions.” I reminded him. “What use are finding problems without the necessary solutions to overcome them?”
“They tell you when to give up, Minister.” He replied.
I seized the opportunity. “So are you telling me I should give up?”
He panicked. “No, no, Minister! I merely think you would be well advised to consider the consequences which, um, require sensitive handling and proper discretion and, uh, might well produce desirable results in the fullness of time, when the moment is ripe, in due course, um, um…”
He used three delaying phrases in a row. “You are telling me to give up.” I observed.
He hung his head in shame. “Yes, Minister.”
“Why?”
“Because…” He hesitated. Clearly he still has some inhibitions.
I tried to ease him out of his shell. “Woolly, please, I am your Minister. I need to know the full facts if I am to run this Ministry properly.”
He nodded silently.
Deciding that a straightforward course was in order, I asked, “What are you hiding from me?”
He struggled quietly for a few moments more, his loyalty to me clashing with his loyalty to whomever wanted to keep me in the dark. I hoped against hope that the former would triumph. Yesterday’s incident with his suit, if nothing else, proved that he had some measure of allegiance to me.
Finally, he sighed heavily, took a deep breath, and said, “Minister, Sir Apple asked me to make sure this reform doesn’t get through.”
“Sir Apple!” I exclaimed. He istrying to obstruct me after all!
“He sees as a disruption of the status quo.” Woolly explained. “Such a thing cannot be allowed.”
“But… the interdepartmental committee?”
“Was meant as a delaying tactic, not an actual means of analysing your policy. Since the Civil Service always advises the Ministers against change with the utmost vehemence, most interdepartmental committees never reach an official conclusion, so the whole issue is dropped after eighteen months or so and they never convene again.”
I should have known that treachery was afoot. “What now?”
“I’m sorry, but it is not for me to advise you as to how to undermine Sir Apple’s power.” Woolly said sadly. “Either way, many other Ministers have tried, and failed, to get the better of him. I’m afraid that Sir Apple is unbeatable, Minister.”
Those were the words of a defeatist. “Even if that’s true,” I growled, “I’m not beaten yet. And I don’t intend to stop until I am.”
“I can but advise you to concede.”
“I must apologise, but I’m not going to take your advice.” I told him. “I’m going back to my office.”
“Let me lead you there, Minister.” He offered.
“No.” I said.
“But, um, Minister, I advise that you ought to-”
I sighed. “Why doesn’t Sir Apple want me to be able to find my own way around the palace?”
“... He’s afraid that you might talk to some of the junior civil servants to find out information.”
“Why is he worried about that?”
“Because we are supposed to be the ones giving you the information you need. If a Minister goes out looking for information, he might well…”
“Find it?” I suggested.
“... Find an inaccurate version of it.” He finished.
I grew tired of this. “Just bring me back to my office.”
“Yes, Minister.” Pushing the door open, he escorted me back down the hallway. As we drew closer to my office, I somehow managed to blunder my way through the danger zone again without being pummelled by anything too heavy - although I did take a few crushed paper balls to the head and a book to my rear.
I stumbled into the room, rubbing the sore spot on my rump. “I’m going to get my reforms through one way or another.”
“Optimism is a good quality to have.” Woolly observed.
“I like to call it realism.” And then, turning my attention to the desk, my jaw fell open. Atop the oak surface wobbled the pillar of papers I’d seen earlier. A light gust blew in from outside, causing the whole pile to tremble unsteadily.
“Um, Minister…” Woolly began. “What is that?”
“Sir Apple’s list.” I muttered. “His list of everything that makes a policy unfeasible.”
Now I finally know why the damn thing is so tall. Sir Apple must have covered every single possible facet of any possible plan in there. He can oppose any notion of reform just by referring me to that list.
And now I can’t even say that I didn’t know because he gave it to me, and I said that I’d read it as soon as possible. I played right into his hooves!
“Woolly?”
“Yes?”
“Could you help me deliver a message to my wife at my house?”
“Certainly, Minister. What is it?”
I eyed the stack wearily. “Tell her I’m not coming home tonight.”
I yawned, lifting my head a few centimetres off the surface of the table. Through a haze of disorientation, I barely noticed a vaguely equine figure staring at me.
“Good morning, Minister.”
My eyes snapped open. “Gah!”
Sir Apple stared at me, concerned. “Are you alright?”
“Yes!”
“If I may be so bold as to enquire, Minister, why were you sleeping on your desk?”
“I had… business to take care of.” Suddenly it all came back to me. “Actually, yes, Sir Apple, there is something I’ve been meaning to discuss with you.”
“What do you wish to deliberate?”
“My reforms.”
“Oh.” His shoulders sagged slightly. “That.”
“Yes.” I tapped the side of the pillar of papers gently. “I’ve spent the night going through this list.” Hopefully the discrepancies I found hold water.
“Your work ethic is admirable, Minister.”
I ignored the flattery. “I’d like to have your views on my policy, based on the list.”
“Of course.” He replied.
“Can you refer me to any portions of this list which suggest that my reforms are unfeasible?”
“Certainly. Page one thousand and four, section Q, subsection C.”
I picked out the page, extricated it carefully from the pile, and read it aloud. “‘Policies which, under proper assumptions based on the current circumstances, are likely to cause an administrative obstruction of sufficient severity, may be deemed as impractical.”
“That sums it up quite well, don’t you think?” Sir Apple asked.
“But the obstruction will be minimal.” I argued.
“You underestimate the impact of even the smallest alteration in procedure.” He replied.
That was exactly what Caesar said to me, word for word. Conclusive evidence that Sir Apple had manipulated yesterday’s interdepartmental committee after all.
“I don’t think-” I began, and then it hit me. The obstruction will never be minimal. It will never be minimal because, if it is, Sir Apple will just blow it up to epic proportions and then claim that he was right. And I have no choice but to rely on him to execute my policy decisions, because that’s his job.
I grasped the full implications of it just a moment later. Even if I somehow managed to win this argument - something that I’m pretty sure he’s made nigh impossible - I can’t force him to cooperate because he’ll just make a huge mess of things and blame it on the shortsightedness of my policy. And there’s no way I can make him do it properly, because the only way that would work would be for him to actually want to do it properly, which, if he’s as committed to upholding the status quo as Woolly had implied, is absolutely undoable.
I had been outmanoeuvred and defeated. There was no way out.
“Minister?” Sir Apple’s voice cut through the fog of despair. “Are you alright?”
I half-suspected that I failed to keep the hopelessness out of my eyes when I gazed at him. “I’m fine.”
“What were you going to say about your policy?”
“... Nothing. Nothing at all.”
He gave me a puzzled glance. “Well, okay then.”
I sighed. “Could I ask a favour of you?”
“Go ahead, Minister.”
“I’d like to take the rest of the day off. Working through the night was exhausting.”
“Certainly. Woolly and I will handle affairs in your absence.”
Of course they will. I thought gloomily. I’m just here to make new policies - and since nothing ever changes there’s really no need for me at all.
“Goodbye.” I muttered, and without waiting for his reply I swept out the door, away from the damn office with its damn papers and my damn Permanent Secretary.
Damn it! I reached out my right forehoof and, with as much strength as I could muster, punched a random parcel out of the air. The telekinetic grip around it failed for just a second, and then it was back on its way to another room as if nothing had happened.
Powerless. The word planted itself in my head. I tried to shake it away. It refused to let go.
I’m powerless. Everypony thinks I have power - Jet Set, that newspaper delivery mare, the mob - but I don’t. I can’t change anything.
Maybe that’s why the mob didn’t show up. They realised the reality of the situation way before I did.
I groaned. After only two days I’d grown tired of the Civil Service, the government, and just being a Minister in general. Why had I ever thought that I’d be able to make a difference? So long as Sir Apple is at the wheel, nothing fundamental is ever going to change. Ever.
Perhaps it’s time to just give up.
“Fancy Pants!”
I snapped out of my reverie, startled. Somehow, I’d managed to walk all the way out of the palace without realising it. Now the stairs were stretched out before me.
“Fancy Pants!”
I finally noticed that there was somepony trying to catch my attention. I turned to the source.
My jaw dropped. “Blueblood?” I gasped.
“Yes, it’s me.” Back when he had just been elected, he still had that haughty look, that superior posture, and that upturned nose. Now, though, it seemed as if all the pride had gone out of him.
He walked up towards me with his head hung low. “Fancy, how are you doing?”
I was still too surprised to respond properly. All I could do what repeat what he said. “How am I doing?”
“In office, I mean.”
My mind finished its quick reboot. “Fine, fine.”
“Forgive me if I don’t believe you.”
“Forgiven.” I said. “I don’t believe me either.”
I expected him to smirk. Instead, he just smiled sadly. “Working with Sir Apple really takes it out of you, doesn’t it?”
“I know that only too well.” I rubbed my head, trying to stave off the migraine that threatened to surface at the mere mention of my Permanent Secretary. “But, if I may ask, what brings you here today, Blueblood?”
“I only wanted to see how you were doing as the Minister of Administrative Affairs.” He mumbled. “And if you’re doing any better than me.”
“Oh.”
“What have you accomplished so far?”
I thought back. “Nothing.”
He sighed. “No better off than me, then.”
Swallowing nervously, I asked, “Blueblood, have you ever gotten the better of Sir Apple?”
“No.”
“I’m starting to doubt that I ever will, either.” I stared at him hesitantly. “Do you think I should… give up?”
Blueblood froze. Then, slowly, he said, “Give up?”
“Yes, give up.” No matter how I tried to phrase it it came out sounding like defeatism. “I mean, if I can never beat him, then what’s the point in trying any more?”
“Fancy Pants,” he began, “why do you think I never managed to accomplish anything during my time in office?”
“Um… why?”
“Because I gave up.” He explained. “I thought I couldn’t win, so I let Sir Apple walk all over me. I went from proud and haughty to humble and pessimistic. I’m no longer who I used to be.”
“I noticed.” I said. “But I think I like the new you better.”
“Everypony seems to say that, but I don’t like the new me. I always used to be so sure of myself. Now I’m uncertain, constantly plagued by doubts.” He shook his head. “The key is to keep fighting, Fancy. Don’t let hardship get you down. Never giving up doesn’t mean doing the same thing over and over again and hoping that it’ll work one day - no, never giving up means staying in the fight and doing whatever it takes to win.”
“But as far as I can see, there’s only one way to beat Sir Apple.” I protested weakly. “I have to get him to want to do what he doesn’t want to do. How am I supposed to do that?”
“Ah.” Blueblood’s eyes gleamed knowledgeably. “I think what you’ll want is a quid pro quo.”
“A sort of deal, huh?” I considered this. “How am I supposed to offer him a dealhe’ll accept?”
“Morton’s Fork.” He said.
“What?” I asked.
“Morton’s Fork.” He repeated. “Give him a choice in which he’ll lose out no matter what he picks.”
“What kind of choice can I give him?”
“I don’t know.” Blueblood shrugged. “When I finally figured out that I had to use a Fork tactic to beat him, it was too close to the elections to risk upsetting the delicate balance of the voters’ opinions with any sudden changes.”
“But you still lost.” I pointed out.
He laughed hollowly. “I still did, didn’t I? Guess I shouldn’t have given up so quickly.”
“Perhaps.” I nodded slowly.
“I don’t want you to follow in my hoofsteps.” Blueblood said. “I won’t let you give up. So, I have some advice for you.”
I stopped and listened attentively.
"There are only a few things that Sir Apple is afraid of losing."
"What are they?"
"His power and his wealth." He explained. "Find a way to threaten one or another and he might just cave in."
"I could try to cut his pay - though I'm pretty sure he'll get around it somehow - but how would I manage to rid him of his power?"
"You might have no choice but to sabotage yourself - you’ll have to surrender some of your budget."
“Why?”
“His influence stems mainly from the Ministry's budget, because with more money he can hire more civil servants and expand his Ministry."
"You mean my Ministry." I corrected him.
He stared at me, eyebrows raised. "No, I mean his Ministry."
"Right, sorry." For a moment there I'd forgotten where the real authority lay.
"A bigger Ministry always wields greater power," he continued, "because the larger the Ministry, the greater the influence of its Permanent Secretary in the inter-secretary power circles."
"Power circles?" I inquired. "I thought the Civil Service was just one well-oiled machine designed to oppose reform?"
"When it's convenient for them." He said. "Otherwise, they're locked in a perpetual struggle for power."
Gradually, an idea began to form in my head. I couldn't quite articulate it yet, but I had a feeling that it would be the key to my victory.
Then revelation struck. “Of course!” I exclaimed. “That’s it!”
“What’s it?” A confused Blueblood asked.
“I can outwit him!” In a fit of excitement, I grabbed Blueblood’s hoof and shook it vigorously. “Thank you! You’ve been a great help!”
He stared at me, dumbfounded. “Uh, thanks?”
“I’ll need time to prepare.” I muttered to myself. “Anticipate arguments, create fallbacks…”
“It… seems like you have everything well in hoof.” He said.
“You’d better believe it.”
He grinned wryly. “What happened to giving up?”
“Those are the words of a defeatist.” I replied.
He nodded. “You’ll go far, Fancy. You can change a lot if you just try.”
“And it starts here.” I decided. “I’ll confront him tomorrow.”
Blueblood coughed. “Out of curiosity, how much did I help?”
“I couldn’t even hope to do it without you.” I assured him. “Your knowledge and suggestions will be crucial.”
He smiled. “Thank you. That makes me feel a little better.” Turning around, he trotted down the steps, his head held high. Some of the pride had slipped back into his demeanor.
I’m not sure if I helped him or not. But I know he helped me.
I awoke unthinkably early the next morning. A brief glance at my clock told me the time.
Two-thirty. If I’d gotten up this early just three days ago I’d have thought I was mad.
Silently disabling the alarm, I climbed cautiously out of the double bed, taking care not to disturb Fleur on my way out. She smiled in her sleep, rolled over, and pulled all the blankets over onto her side of the bed.
I chuckled softly. Goodness knows how many times she’s done that to me in the past.
I hurried out of the room and went through the motions of my morning routine. Slipping quickly into my suit, I examined myself in the mirror.
I gave my reflection a winning smile. He returned it.
Today is going to be a good day.
I trotted over to the door and threw it open. Canterlot had never been more colourful than it was at right then.
The route to the castle was as familiar as ever, and this time there was nopony to stare at me out of their windows. No Jet Set or newspaper delivery mares, either. Just peaceful solitude.
When the palace drew into sight, I took a second to examine it carefully. The entire structure was shrouded in the dark of the night, with not a soul in sight. An eerie silence blanketed the area.
Even Sir Apple can’t be this early. I thought, as I ascended towards the enormous double doors. Pushing them open, I entered.
The halls were as still as death. I searched along the walls for the light switch and, having found it at last, flicked it on.
Immediately, I was bathed in harsh artificial light. My hoof lifted off the ground instinctively, shielding my sensitive eyes. Squinting, I shuffled slowly forward, trying not to run into any badly-placed obstacles.
I was in luck. This early in the morning, there wasn’t yet anything to obstruct my advance. Least of all Sir Apple.
I eventually made it to my office. I entered, sat down behind my desk, and picked up the first page of the Unfeasibility List.
Time to play the waiting game.
Two and a half hours later, Sir Apple walked in, a smirk on his face. The said smirk was wiped clear off when he noticed me on the seven hundredth page of the list.
“Good morning, Sir Apple.” I greeted him cheerfully.
“Minister! You’re… early.”
“So are you.” I pointed out.
“Err… yes, quite.” Blinking bewilderedly, he recovered from his surprise. “May I inquire as to why you are so early?”
“I just had a little brainwave last night.” A brainwave that took me hours to plan out.
“What was it about, Minister?”
“My reforms.”
“... I see.” His face darkened.
“No, no, Sir Apple, it’s just that I’ve realised that these reforms are indeed quite impractical, given the current circumstances. I’m inclined to believe that we should just leave it aside for the moment.”
“Ah.” He brightened up considerably. “It’s heartening to see that you are a realist.”
“Indeed.” I nodded with false agreement. “I’ve also been thinking about other issues too.”
Instantly, he was on his guard. “What other issues?”
“Sir Apple, do you think our Ministry has perhaps grown a little too big?”
“No, not at all, Minister.” He replied, wary. “Why do you ask?”
“It just seems we’re spending too much of the taxpayer’s money on funding irrelevant administrators, that’s all.”
“Surely not, Minister.” He realised that he was under attack. He moved to the defense of his subordinates. “All of the administration they carry out is absolutely essential. None of it can be compromised.”
“I agree wholeheartedly.” I said. “However, it occurs to me that much of this work could be subsumed by the other departments.”
“I hardly think so.” Sir Apple snorted derisively. “They lack the specialised staff to carry out efficient administration such as ours.”
“That’s why I was considering reallocating half of our administrators to other Ministries.”
Sir Apple’s eyes bulged in astonishment. “What?!”
“It would save a lot of work on our parts, don’t you think?” I continued.
“No.” He snapped.
“You mean, it won’t save us any trouble?”
“Well… perhaps some.” He conceded. “But it would be unfair to the other Ministries to saddle them with so many new responsibilities.”
“On the contrary,” I said, “I’ve already spoken to a few of the other Permanent Secretaries, and they agreed to shoulder some of the burden.”
Of course, I hadn’t actually done any such thing, but it certainly sounded like the kind of response the other Secretaries would give. They’d do anything they could to increase their own power.
My bluff worked. “Minister, this is unthinkable!” Sir Apple thundered.
I ignored him. “They’ve even agreed to take over all the administration necessary to effect these changes! Splendidly hard workers they are.”
“Please, Minister, they are just too self-sacrificing. To the point that they neglect themselves.” He maintained an impressively straight face the whole time. He’s obviously an experienced liar. “I implore you to reconsider.”
“And let you shoulder the whole burden?” I shook my head solemnly. “I can’t let you do that.”
“It’s no problem at all, Minister.” He persisted doggedly.
“Really?” I feigned surprise. “Oh, I suppose that there won’t be any difficulty in moving it over to the other Ministries, then. Their Permanent Secretaries will do just fine.”
His argument had backfired. But he hadn’t given up yet. “Still, Minister, I suspect the other Ministries would be too underfunded to pay all the administrators.”
“Don’t worry, I have a solution for that too.” I explained. “I’m planning to initiate a budget reduction for our Ministry as soon as possible, to free up some of the Treasury’s money for those who need it.”
“No!” Sir Apple gasped with horror.
“I think that solves your budget concerns effectively.”
He was shocked speechless. His mouth opened a few times, but nothing came out.
I gave him an opening to voice his opinions. “So, what do you think?”
“Minister, you do not seem to grasp the implications of this!” He answered firmly.
“Please, Sir Apple, tell me what implications I haven’t considered. I’d like to know.”
“Well, erm, you see…” He hesitated.
“Yes?” I prompted him.
His resistance was on its last legs. “... Your pay, Minister, is indirectly linked to the size and budget of the Ministry under your control.”
“So?”
“If you decide to carry through with this decision, your income would suffer greatly.”
“Really, Sir Apple!” I admonished. “I became a Minister to serve Equestria, not myself! I don’t care if my paycheck is slightly smaller so long as I can properly carry out the wishes of the people.”
“Ah, but Minister, how does this change represent the will of the people?”
“They think the government spends too much on administration. Unfortunately, I can only afford to give them a show this time.” I sighed theatrically. “But an appearance in the reduction of administrative costs is better than nothing. Although, if I could actually satisfy them…” I left that hanging.
“Er, what do you have in mind?” Sir Apple asked.
“Nothing much.” I replied. “I just thought that we could cut down on the amount of worthless administration in this system.”
There it was. The quid pro quo, out in the open. And Sir Apple had no choice but to accept.
He paused for a few moments, probably searching for a way out. There was none.
“Perhaps, Minister,” he conceded reluctantly, “we could find a way to implement this policy in a practical fashion.”
“Really? But I thought you said that it was unfeasible.”
He remained silent for a moment, collecting his thoughts. “After mature consideration, I have found that there may be more efficient ways to execute it.”
“Excellent.” I beamed. “I knew I could depend on you.”
He said nothing. He simply stood there and seethed with silent anger. Anger, I expect, that he had been forced to compromise, and anger that he had been outmanoeuvred by a novice Minister.
“When can I expect it?” I asked.
“Soon. In the fullness of time. When the moment is-”
“No, Sir Apple. If you refuse to give me a deadline, I shall give you my own.”
“A month from now.” He hurriedly compromised.
“Very well.” Game, set and match. I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself.
“Minister?” Sir Apple began.
“Yes?”
“Am I to take it that you’re dropping the proposal to reallocate our administrators?”
I stared at him. With sweat pouring down his cheeks and his features twisted in a grotesque grimace, he looked as if he was on the verge of a breakdown. I decided to spare him. “Yes.”
He sagged with slight relief. “Thank you, Minister.” And then, having presumably remembered the quid pro quo, his head drooped in despair.
I felt like celebrating my first victory. “When Woolly gets here, tell him to bring in some champagne, will you?”
Sir Apple stared at me. He knew what it was for. He could have refused. Instead, he just gazed at me with the eyes of one who had long since given up.
Even he was not immune to defeat. And neither was he above capitulation. To the persistent go the spoils, as it seems.
I must never consider giving up ever again. I might miss the light at the end of the tunnel.
“Well?” I prompted.
Sir Apple gave a resigned sigh and murmured, “As you fancy, Minister.”
“The Lone Korpsman”
A strong wind blew through the secluded meadow. Heavy clouds darkened the sky over the Everfree Forest, where they created a gloomy, foreboding and even threatening atmosphere. The large formation of creatures served only to heighten the tension in the air.
A massive army, possibly the largest and most powerful Equestria had ever seen, stood encamped around the forest in several huge camps that spanned from Ponyville to Ghastly Gorge, all the way to the outskirts of Dodge Junction. Each guardspony, knight, and champion stood firm with weapons at the ready as they focused on the carnage that was soon to come.
Various allied warriors from the world over made up a bulk of the encirclement, trusted allies that the ponies had made over the centuries.
The Crystal Guard Phalanx from the Crystal Empire, Equestria's most trusted allies who were currently ruled by Princess Cadance and ,former Canterlot-Guard Captain, Prince Shining Armor.
Squadrons of Gryphon Storm-Fliers, who had come to Equestria’s aid from their distant kingdom in the sky, patrolled the air above the Everfree, maintaining air superiority with their pegasus brethren in the Canterlot Royal Guard. Not once did they hesitated when the Princess called for their help.
Zebra Fire Throwers, whose volatile concoctions had decided so many conflicts in the past just by their fear factor alone, stood ready in their heavy crimson robes to burn the forest down if they were so ordered by their masters.
All around the camp, Saddle Arabian Windhorses, whose incredible speed and skill with the spear were regarded as legendary, stood close to the treeline with spears, ready to stop any charging beast attempting to break through the line.
Several free companies of Minotaurs, feared and respected mercenaries hired into the service of the Princesses, provided their skills with the crossbow to provide cover from the distance.
With them came a wide selection of siege weapons, from the feared ballistas to even some primitive cannons.
After them came the Canterlot Royal Guard, the best-armed and best-trained force in the world.
The Royal Guard consisted of Celestia's personal elite troops, the Solar Knights of the Holy Flame, and Luna's personal elite commandos, the Night Guardians.
They were the best Equestria had to offer.
Mares and stallions stood ready to give everything for the defense of the princesses and their country, including their lives, if necessary.
At the front stood the proud Royal Army, the main fighting force.
With sheer numbers and determination they had faced many enemies of Equestria, and more often than not, they had won.
A short distance ahead of the army stood their leaders, the Royal Sisters themselves.
Clad in golden shining armor and encased in an bright radiant aura and armed with an impressive warhammer, the immortal and most powerful being herself, Princess Celestia, stood tall. Next to her was her no less powerful sister, Princess Luna, who herself was vested with dark blue armor and armed with a beautifully crafted longsword.
Both stood together a short distance away from the main army, discussing and planning the next step.
While Celestia's posture showed no fear or uncertainty, her face betrayed her anxiety. In contrast to her sister, Princess Luna stood confident and ready with a small smirk on her face.
A massive army and two powerful and immortal beings, ready to face whatever danger was threatening their world.
At a further distance stood the one they all had come for.
The Korpsman.
His dark, heavy greatcoat, the black boots, the dark gray helmet with a engraved double-headed eagle symbol and the disturbing looking gasmask that covered his entire face gave him an outright terrifying appearance.
Along with the weapon in his hands, a powerful energy-based rifle (though empty and malfunctioning), he still had his trusty bayonet that was affixed beneath the muzzle of his rifle.
Outnumbered, without ammunition and alone, he was still standing there, facing the entire United Equestrian Army alone.
A few thoughts raced through his mind. How he had got here, his first contact with these strange beings, the abundance of sorcery which apparently many of those horse-like things had and the mobilisation of this world’s army.
He was aware that he wouldn't win against them, nor would he survive, but for him, that was completely irrelevant. As a member of the Death Korps of Krieg, death was a solution, not a punishment. Still standing there, he waited for their move to attack.
After a while in deep thought, Prince Celestia came to an conclusion. She must try again, try to convince this unknown creature to give, to spare the life of many of her subjects and allies. Turning to her sister, she said in a determined tone, “Luna, I will try it again.”
Surprised by her sister’s decision, she asked with uncertainty, ”Sister, are you sure? This creature is dangerous beyond reason. It singlehandedly murdered nearly every beast in the Everfree Forest.”
“I know, Luna. That's why I must try it again. I want to know why...” Celestia stated.
“Be careful then, Sister,” said Luna.
Celestia nodded with a smile at her sister before charging her horn. A few moments later, a bright white flash flared up, and Celestia disappeared from the spot.
Celestia appeared from a bright white flash a few meters in front of the Korpsman. Despite this, even, he neither moved nor flinched, but stood there completely unaffected.
Fixing her gaze on the Korpsman, she moved a little bit closer towards the grim soldier until she stood a short distance apart from him.
Both beings stared at each other in silence. Only the whistling of the wind could be heard. Upon receiving no reaction from the soldier, she moved a little closer to him and spoke to him with an clear and calm voice. “It doesn't have to end like this.” With no reaction from him, she continued, ”You know you can't win. You are extremely outnumbered and I know that your strange device doesn't work any more. Surrender now and I promise a fair and just process.”
No reaction, no retort, not even a flinch came from the Korpsman.
Celestia slowly grew impatient at his apathy. With a louder and slightly angry tone, she said to him, ”You won't survive this.”
Still no reaction.
“You are going to die if you continue this path. There is no other possible outcome. So please, just give up. There is no reason to waste your own life. Life is too precious to give it up so easily,” she nearly shouted at the end.
For a short moment nothing happened. Then, for the first time since he had been standing there, he slowly shook his head from right to left a few times, outright refusing Celestia’s pleas.
Celestia opened her eyes in surprise, both to the first reaction he gave and his refusal. She just couldn't understand why he would give his own life away so mindlessly.
Growing tired of his indifference and the lack of clear answers, she moved towards him until she was a few centimeters away from his face. She stared for a few moments into the black lenses of his gas mask in an attempt to look through those dark, disturbing-looking holes, only to find absolutely nothing, just darkness. She then leaned a bit closer to him, only to recoil back as a repugnant smell hit her sensitive nose.
Rubbing her nose from the biting smell his uniform exuded, she readjusted her posture and directed her look back to him.
For a short moment she just stared at him before she asked him in a quiet voice, ”Why?”
Yet again nothing came from him.
She had finally had enough of his silence. With a loud, half-desperate and half-angry tone, she shouted at him, ”WHY? WHY DO YOU WANT TO THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY? WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO FIGHT? WHY Can’t you just give up? Why must it end like this? Why can't there be peace?” Her voice grew quieter.
Again no reaction from the Korpsman.
“Just tell me why you continue to fight until death...please,” the Princess nearly begged.
“You want to know, Xeno?” asked the Korpsman for the first time since he had landed in this strange world.
Celestia flinched at his sudden voice and shuddered at the cold and monotonous way he spoke. But she nodded for him in response.
The Korpsman raised his right hand to his gasmask. After fidgeting with the mechanisms of his mask, he slowly took it off, releasing some sort of gas, and laid his trusted device on the grass.
Afterwards he reached for his helmet and took it off his head as well, revealing his entire head.
Celestias eye widened in surprise upon seeing his face for the first time. She had expected many things, but definitely not this. His face was not what she expected: instead of being monstrous and hideous as the many rumours told, it was a fairly normal face. Pale skin, two small blue eyes, a small stubby nose, dark blonde hair and a pair of lips. His face would have been normal and even pleasant to look at, if it weren’t for his expression, or more accurately, the lack of it. While his eyes had a beautiful blue, they were also blank without a hint of life in them, like from a doll.
A cold, dead and expressionless face greeted her. A shudder ran through her spine.
Finished with her inspection of his face, she fixed her gaze back on him and waited expectantly for his answers. The Korspman lifted his right to his head and pointed a finger to his right temple.
“If you want to know, then look,” came from the emotionless soldier.
At first Celestia was confused what he meant, but after while it dawned on her: “Mind Reading!” she thought with a surprised expression.
She was unsure about this; reading the mind of an unknown creature could be dangerous, especially one who gave her permission. But she still wanted answers, and she doubted he would simply tell her.
“If he really wanted to kill, he has had plenty of opportunities...but he didn't. So, he really wants me to show...” she thought, contemplating.
With the last worries at ease, she breached the last small distance between them and neared her head to his. Being so close to him made her slightly nervous, but she wanted the answers, so she charged her horn with the spell and laid it gently on his forehead.
For a moment, nothing happened....
Until Celestia’s eyes shot wide open filled with pure terror, her entire body shaking uncontrollably as if she were being tasered. Her breathing grew more rapid and panicked, and her wings were frozen in fear.
With enormous effort she pulled herself off from the soldier and fell on her rump onto the grass. Still shaking, she couldn't keep it in anymore and vomited on the grass. After vomiting several times and calming down her breath, she returned her gaze to the Korpsman, who still stood there unmoving and unafflicted. The face still cold and dead.
“Now you know,” was the only thing he said to her.
Not longer able to keep her emotion under control, Celestia broke out in tears. What she have seen was beyond anything possible.
She saw the universe he came from, the species he belonged to and his homeworld.
Never in her millenium-old life could she have thought that such a universe could exist, one full of unbearable horrors who preyed daily on innocents, of beings of Chaos that would terrify even Discord, who were even considered tame next to their masters.
Celestia wept as she saw this brutal and unforgiving universe, where only war exists. Anything else that might’ve been had been blasted away.
She saw the Empire he belonged to, the Imperium of Man. She could barely grasp the massiveness of this nation consisting of over one million worlds which housed trillions of the so-called Humans.
She saw the abominations his kind fought against, monstrosities she had not dared to think would exist. Nothing she ever encountered in her long life could ever be compared to those things the humans fought daily.
Besieged from all sides, his kind never gave up. They fought to the last man against enemies far more powerful than themselves. It was something Celestia could only respect.
Then she saw the one being his people worshipped so zealously, the God-Emperor of Man. An immobile rotting corpse on a golden throne to whom thousands were sacrificed every day. At first, Celestia was horrified seeing this, but then she saw his deeds. He who united them from an dark age, freed them from the shackles of the Xenos, the other beings, he who sacrificed his own body for his people, he who was the only light in the never-ending darkness that was the Korpsman’s Universe. And only fanatical faith in the Emperor protected his kind from the Corruption of Chaos.
But then she saw his homeworld, and her tears only increased upon thinking about the images of his home, Krieg, a dead, toxic, radioactive wasteland covered in the ruins of once-proud cities. Hundreds of years ago, their decadent leaders betrayed the Imperium, declaring independence, but the loyal population rebelled against this plan. A brutal civil war broke out, and the leader of the loyalist population declared that if the Emperor could not have their world, then nobody else should have it. And so this leader released terrifying weapons on his own planet and sentenced it to death.
From the ashes of this dead world, the Death Korps of Krieg was born, the regiment that the Korpsman belonged to. Fanatical and fatalistic soldiers who sought to repent for the sins of their forefathers. They had no regard for their own and were ever-eager to give their life for the Emperor. They never retreated, they never surrendered.
Giving up was impossible for them; dying for the Emperor was the only way they could repay the debt their ancestors had caused.
After learning and seeing all of this, Celestia slowly stood up. Still crying, she slowly walked to the unmoving soldier until she was mere centimeters away. She got up on her hind legs and hugged the soldier, whom froze up from the unexpected contact. “I'm so sorry...” she cried silently on his shoulder.
The things he had endured, the brutality he had suffered and the sheer hopelessness he had to see every day of his life saddened her beyond reason. To know she couldn't save him depressed her immensely. Yet while she was in his mind for the short time, she saw that there was still a feeling, living being in there deeply hidden under the brutal training and indoctrination. A man with hopes, dreams and feelings. Despite the horrible conditions he had grown up and lived in, there was still a small spark of humanity inside him.
After a short time Celestia stopped hugging him and got back on her normal posture, her face still sad. The only thing she could gave him now was an honourable death in the battlefield. She looked at him one last time. “I understand now,” she said to him in a sad voice.
The Korpsman nodded at her slightly, acknowledging her decision.
Charging her horn for the last time, Celestia teleported herself back to her sister and the army. Standing back at the her former place she was quickly approached by her sister. “Sister! Are you alright? What happened there?” Luna asked, worried.
Turning to her sister, Celestia said sadly, ”I know now that we can't convince him to surrender, nor can we help him. He's lost, Luna.”
“Lost?” she asked.
“Yes, lost,” Celestia replied. “War is all he knows, Luna, nothing else.”
Her sister nodded slightly at that.
Both sisters then began to move in position, preparing the signal for the troops to attack. A bright light appeared on both sisters’ horns, shooting up to the sky where it exploded in a bright flash, the signal the army behind them had waited so long.
Upon seeing the signal, the army began to move. Flyers got in the air, ballistas and cannons were loaded and the rest raised their weapons up and began to march towards the only one they had come for, the Korpsman.
The Korpsman on his side, however, raised his bayonet and began to march towards them with the bayonet pointed at them.
Not once did he flinch when a projectile hit. Not once did he scream when a spell hit him, burning through his uniform and torching his flesh.
Wave after wave of he had defeated, giving the equestrians great trouble despite their superior numbers and usage of canons and ballistas.
His skill with the bayonet and his life long practiced tolerance to pain, gave him a big advantage to those whom war mostly existed in history.
Their numbers decreased quickly but so did his condition too. Countless arrows and burn marks decorated his slowly succumbing body and the non-stop hour long battle is now beginning to take its toll on his body.
Still being nearly dead he continued, to slash, stab, dodge and kick.
The movements beginning to slow, the once so precise attacks to miss and the vision beginning to darken, he knew that his time has come.
The sudden crossbow bolt hitting him, piercing his practically destroyed armor, brought him finally to the knees.
Breathing heavily his stood on his knees, surrounded by the endless mass of dead bodies from his foes and the few remaining equestrians, he could finally embrace the peacefulness of death.
With the last glance towards sky, he fell back on the soft grass. Knowing that he had now repaid the debt his traitorous ancestors had incurred, he simply laid peacefully there waiting for his solution.
While the world around him grew darker and his breathing slowly stopping, he recited the last few words in his life, the one sentence every member of the Death Korps knew:
"In life, war. In death, peace. In life, shame. In death, atonement."
The Litany of Sacrifice.
