A/N: Chewbaca rules apply for Crackle's speech and why most creatures can understand him. That being said, enjoy.
Prince Blueblood was a stallion of refinement, taste and elegance. It was no secret that damn near every mare threw themselves at him. However, what was a secret was the fact that the prince was a total mo and cared not for mares, physical perfection or hell even ponies. He had a bit of a dragon/fat fetish and there was one dragon that had caught his eye many years ago as a teenager. 'The dragon was big, round...' He quivered at the thought. '…had gem stones in its rolls of fat, had a wall eyed expression that seemed to gaze into eternity and eight chubby feet.'
He reminisced over the gala two years ago. He had sent a courier deep into dragon country to give the dragon he knew not the name of to give an invitation as his personal guest of honor. He remembered being heartbroken when said dragon didn't appear instead he had to spend all night with that dreadful Rarity and her peasant friends. Like, a single mare could dissuade him to from his fantasies of the reptile of his dreams. 'Does she not realize the warmth and majesty of a dragon? Ponies bleh.' Blueblood thought to himself. He had picked up a great deal of draconian lovers since that night of heartbreak but none could ever fill that void that certain wall-eyed dragon could ever fill. He also knew if word got out about his little secrets the scandal would be great and the look of disappointment from the other royals and peers would be equally terrible.
His majesty couldn't take it anymore and he went on is own Dragon Quest to find the most graceful creature in Equestria. He got his mp3 player and began to sing the Michayl Bolton song from Dishay’s Hercules. "I can go the distance..." The prince waited through the perils of deep swamps and parasprite invested marshes. He battled tons of low level slimes and drackies with his sword of fighting.
It had been a harsh journey but at last he was at the Dragon Migration volcanic canyon. He scanned the area and there on one of the lower ledges was his prize. It was the very dragon that he had been obsessed with for so long. He trotted up to the vacant expression wearing creature.
One of the dragon's eyes focused on the white stallion and for those that don't believe in love at first sight. Let's just say for the sake of brevity that's what happened. What impressed the dragon more was the fact that the pony had the bravery to venture into dragon territory to approach him in the first place. The drake was simply smitten.
"My name is Prince Blueblood and I dear say, I have trekked over a dozen miles to meet you. Your beauty knows no bounds. Please fair dragon speak to me your name if I am worthy of it."
"Raaaaaaahhhhhhhgggghhh." The dragon screeched.
Translation: (I am Crackle kind noble stallion and your words are humbling.)
"I have requested your presence at the Gala as my guest many moons ago, dearest Crackle. My courier named Swift Send hath not returned and I feared he may either hath not given you my request for an audience and simply ran away or tragedy hath befallen my kind messenger."
Meanwhile in a cave somewhere and earth pony was vacuuming a rug while feeding his new born daughter while his wife was at work.
About a year ago on his way to deliver his lord's message, Swift Send was ponynapped by a female hippogriff whom was planning on getting ransom from the Swift's family and over the course of about two weeks he developed a case of Stockholm syndrome, fell in love, the two eventually wed and now he had become a stay at home dad. (What did you think I'd kill him off?)
"Whhhhaaaaaaagggggddurrrr." Crackle bellowed in a sad tone.
Translation: (I have received no such request, if your words are true then I am honored.)
"Please Crackle accompany me to my private space station in space." Blueblood saw smoke rise from Crackle's nostrils and decided that a dragon no matter how beautiful or plump can not go into an all oxygen environment.
"On second thought please come with me to my private island off the coast of Coltlumbia." Blueblood looked at Crackle with pleading eyes.
"Duraaaahhh." Crackle blushed.
Translation: (I shall my most generous of nobles.) Blueblood was overjoyed at the response.
During the course of three weeks on Blueblood's island home the pair couldn’t be happier. The two would embrace and give each other gifts. Blueblood would buy his dragon jewelry and other assorted trinkets and Crackle would eat them. Crackle would give Blueblood the type of disturbing love he craved as well as gems stones picked from Crackles fat rolls. Sadly there was trouble in paradise.
Crackle turned to the prince and sighs. "Iduuuuuuurrrahhhh."
translation: (I am but a mere transgender dragon and you are a unicorn prince, we shall never be as one outside this island.)
"My dear, I have thought of a way we can be together. It's a long shot, but if we were to convince, the nobility of Canterlot that you were a dragon princess then maybe we can have the royal wedding I always dreamed of giving you."
"Haaaahhhroooh?"
Translation: (How?)
"I have already forged the documents and given you a back story." He said as he produced a ring from behind the headboard of their bed.
Crackle was speechless and tackled his lover while accepting his marriage proposal.
Four months later.
In Canterlot Castle it was the most star studded event of the year: The wedding of Lord Blueblood and Lady Crackle Gwinnivere.
The wedding guests were comprised of Blueblood's family meaning his mother and his two aunts and several important members of society that included Twilight Sparkle and her friends. There was Perry Piekinski human linebacker for the Miami Hurricanes and his date Trixie, whom was a tad angry that Perry wore his football uniform and cleats. The only thing formal he wore was a tie. There was Hoity Toity and Foto Finish whom only got together recently. There were even a few adolescent horses from the Non-Copyrighted Adventure universe. To say the turnout was huge would be an understatement.
Blueblood had paid a large group of dragons to act as Crackle's family and friends and paid Rarity to make Crackle style costumes for several ponies to act as Crackle's parents.
They even got Madden world renown pegasus sports broadcaster to provide commentary and get live coverage of the event for television.
"It's great to be here at Canterlot Castle for the biggest game of the year. I have no idea why they choose me to announce this shindig, but when a garbage truck full of money parked itself on my front lawn how could I not say yes? Now back to you in the studio." Madden said as his ear piece gave him instructions.
"Yes... yes? Uhmmm...WHAT DO MEAN WE'RE LIVE?!?!" Madden screamed into his ear piece. He quickly composed himself.
"Anyway the groom in up at the plate, you know I heard rumors about the prince being a colt-cuddler, but it appears that those rumors were unfounded. Anyway the Bride is making her way down the aisle. I haven't seen the lovely young marrrrerrr OH, MY GODDESSES WHAT IS THAT THING?!?" Madden freaked out as he saw Crackle making his way down the aisle and the shocked broadcaster continued to make an ass out of himself.
"I mean what a lovely dragon." He said as he repressed the urge to throw up. The camera panned toward the couple to be wed. Madden turned to whispered into his ear piece "We can fix that in post, right?" He sighed and thanked his lucky stars for that ten second delay his editors gave him for his live coverage.
The priest pony began his whole long winded speech which praised the princesses and went over what it means to join in matrimony. The two finally paid attention when the he asked the big questions.
"Do you Lord Blueblood, take Lady Crackle Gwinnivere under the Royal Sisters to have and to hold for better or for worst and in sickness and in health till death do you part?"
"I do."
"Do you Lady Crackle Gwinnivere take Lord Blueblood under the Royal Sisters and the Draconian Four Winds to have and to hold for better or for worst and in sickness and in health till death do you part?"
"Ahooo."
"I'll take that as a yes, by the powers invested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."
The prince and his dragon shared the most awkward kiss in front of hundreds of ponies and other assorted sentient beings.
They may have been a prince and a drake but they were both queens.
Not a dry eye was left in the Grand Hall of Canterlot Castle.
Luna looked at the events that had just transpired with mild confusion and turned and whispered into Celestia's ear. "Sister thou knowest that thine nephew is not really marrying to a dragon princess or even a female right?"
"Who cares as long as their happy, plus I really wanted an excuse to regift that toaster oven I got for Hearths Warming Day."
Blueblood and Crackle ran to escape down the aisle into their airship limousine as the wedding guests both cried and felt a tinge of nausea. Crackle threw the bouquet and a great many mares tackled each other to get it.
Perry turned to Trixie. "Me am always cry at weddings." He grabbed his girlfriend in a vice grip tight hug and while Trixie was trying to get Perry to be more gentle, the bouquet landed in the lap of the hulking linebacker. He looked at it for a second and started letting out the water works again and grabbed Trixie in a tighter embrace.
"Perry...that's very sweet... but...Trixie...can't breathe." Trixie tried to get a very emotional Perry to loosen his grip. It was only when she mentioned cupcakes and baking that he let go of her.
3 months later
Blueblood and Crackle and happy on their honeymoon, Crackle keeps getting sick. Blueblood gets worried and request that Crackle go see a doctor. He took the advice of his spouse and went to the clinic.
Crackle comes back to Blueblood later that day, with an excited look on his face.
"Raaahgggrrrahhh"
Translation: (I'm pregnant.)
Blueblood turned to his mate. "Darling, that’s amazing, how?"
"Errraaahhtttpahhh"
Translation: (Extra pieces.)
Eleven months later the most horrifying abomination and bundle of joy was born and both fathers couldn't be happier.
The end
Very dark comedy alternate ending (Only read this if you like some gory shit.) I warned you.
They were at the alter. The priest pony began his whole long winded speech which praised the princesses and went over what it means to join in matrimony. The tow finally paid attention when the he asked the big questions.
"Do you Lord Blueblood, take Lady Crackle Gwinnivere under the Royal Sisters to have and to hold for better or for worst and in sickness and in health till death do you part?"
"I do."
"Do you Lady Crackle Gwinnivere, take Lord Blueblood under the Royal Sisters and the Draconian Four Winds to have and to hold for better or for worst and in sickness and in health till death do you part?"
"Ahooo."
"I'll take that as a yes, by the power invested in me you may now kiss the bride."
Just as Blueblood was about to kiss his new bride he accidentally bit his lip and the smell of blood drove Crackle crazy.
"What's wrong darling?" Blueblood asked only for Crackle to lunge at the Prince and start chewing his face off. The guests were shocked but no one when seemed to care.
Celestia wiped a tear of joy from her eye with a handkerchief. "This is the happiest day of my life."
"I think she is killing him." Luna asked her sister with a face expressing slight confusion.
"I know, dearest sister." Celestia said with a smile.
Fuchsia Celebration pony whipped out her trusty chainsaw and yelled out to the crowd. "Root Canal was right; it is murder time, yay!"
Meanwhile Perry Piekinski turned to Trixie. "This is fucked up, we leave now." Perry picked up Trixie and bolted out the door and stole the parked wedding airship limousine outside. They then robbed a liquor store and the loving couple went on their own vacation. At least one couple had a happy day together.
The whole wedding reception went over fine and Crackle and the half eaten corpse of Bluedblood danced the night away and everyone lived or didn't live happily ever after.
The End
A/N: I am so sorry for this fic.
