Count Kumquat--Lord of Darkness

by Enduring Man-Child

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Random, Pinkie Pie, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Fluttershy, Original Character
Length: 6165

A young vampire fruit bat gets some silly ideas in his head after reading too many "Flutterbat" fics. Note--this is a meta fic, which means it references the community and its stories. Featuring a special guest appearance by Pinkiewise!

As a chiropterophile, I must confess to being very disappointed at the plethora of fics written after the episode "Bats!" Despite the bats in the episode being merely regular bats who live off fruit juice, the idea of bats as evil and supernatural bloodsuckers was apparently just too strong for many to resist. Even "Flutterbat" is often given supernatural powers and made a bloodsucker.

One day I actually posted to the comments section of one story pointing all this out. But then it occurred to me...rather than critiquing others' fics (which each of us should be free to write as we see fit), how about I fight back instead with a parody of the whole "bat=vampire" thing that bothers me so much? Thus, this fic, which is "meta" because the actual stories are referenced and parodied in the person of a young vampire fruit bat who reads them and gets ideas in his head.

To most people bats as vampires is fun. Considering that bats are a very vulnerable population and that stereotypes can have terrible real world consequences, I do not. I write this story not to criticize anyone else but merely to have some fun with the whole ludicrous concept.

It's a little unusual, but I hope some of you will enjoy it.

This story features a special guest appearance by Pinkiewise (from "Lauren Faust's IT!" and "She Saw the Light") and was pre-read by my old friend rye.bread.

Published 2014-02-02 04:10:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-02 04:10:09 UTC

Chapter 1

The helpless apple lay mesmerized, unable to move. Its will was gone. Little wonder, as it was being targeted by the hypnotic gaze of a dreaded vampire fruit bat.

'Yessssss,' the bat hissed, 'you are in my power. Though you are terrified, though your heart pounds within you from unutterable fright, yet you are helpless! Now, hapless fruit...COME TO ME!!!!!'

Inexplicably, the mentally enslaved apple did not move.

'I said come to your master, helpless fruit!'

Again, the apple did not move.

'Er...okay. In that case, you cannot move!!!!! Though you yearn with all your heart to flee to safety, yet your body will not obey you! It is under my command! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!' The cued lightning and thunder did not show up.

'Kumquat, what in the name of all the orchards are you doing?' another bat asked him.

'Ah...Persimmon, my dark lady! Obviously I am enchanting this mortal apple with my dark powers so that it will not be able to resist when I drain its very life force!!!'

Persimmon was not amused. 'You've been reading those brony fics again, haven't you, Kumquat?' she asked.

'Yes!' he answered. 'To think, I never knew what power vampire fruit bats possessed! All mortal flesh fears us, yet secretly yearns to be ravished by us! They are but our depraved slaves!!!'

'Ravished?' Persimmon asked, raising an eyebrow.

'Yeah! We're sex symbols, baby! Who'd-a thunk it?' he replied with glee, temporarily forgetting that he was an undead being of the netherworld.

'Kumquat, you--'

'Count Kumquat,' he corrected her.

'Count Kumquat? Really???' she asked, rolling her eyes.

'Indeed! Turns out we are the aristocrats of evil, possessing a sinister grace and charm even as we go about our unholy work!'

'Unholy work? Drinking fruit juice?' Persimmon deadpanned.

'I know. I too was once unenlightened,' he said, 'until I discovered The Truth and embraced our dark calling! Join me, Countess Persimmon! Cease denying your True Nature!'

'Kumquat, those bronies are crazy!' Persimmon said. 'Have you seen the stuff they write about the pink one???'

'Nay, 'tis not merely the bronies, my Dark Lady,' he said, 'turns out that it is universally acknowledged that all bats are creatures of darkness, and we vampire fruit bats are the very pinnacle of the pyramid of evil! Do you not recall how we cast our mesmeric spell upon that hapless yellow pony?'

'Actually, it was the other way around,' she said beneath her breath. There was no need addressing this fact to Kumquat. He was on a roll.

'And then, as she lay helpless within the unbreakable trance of our dark power, we tainted her with our corruption, making her one of us!'

'Nope. That was that purple horse with the horn.' Persimmon didn't say this as quietly as she had the previous statement, but she knew by now Kumquat was deaf to any voices other than the ones in his head.

'Bah! Were it not for the fact that the accursed sunlight turns our bodies into smoke and ash, we would be invincible!'

'Oh for crying out loud, Kumquat, you're in the sunlight now!' Persimmon pointed out. 'It's still a good half hour till sunset. Are you turning to smoke?'

She smirked. This time she had him.

'Curses!' Kumquat cried, 'Just at the moment of my ultimate triumph I am destroyed by the light of the cursed sun! Yet this defeat is but temporary, for our immortal race shall live on without me! Promise me, my dear Countess, that even without me by your side you and the others will continue to make disciples...and to CORRUPT THE WORLD!!!'

'Will you cut it out???' Persimmon screeched in frustration, actually grabbing and shaking her friend with her wings, having had quite enough of his nonsense. 'Look, Kumquat! You're not an evil immortal demigod! You don't have any powers! You're just a fruit bat that lives on juice because his body can't break down solid foods, okay? And the proof of it is this!' And with this she forced him to look right into the setting sun.

'What...what is this?' he said, no longer able to deny what was right before him. 'You're right, my dear...I stare at the sun, yet am unharmed. Do you realize what this means?'

'Of course!' she said. 'It means that--

'That now even the sun cannot harm us!' he crowed in triumph.

Persimmon would have slapped her head in frustration but this was not adequate. Instead she rammed her face into an apple, muttering 'please make it stop.'

'This means the mortal world's last protection is gone, and all is ours for the taking! I shall immediately reclaim the foolish pony who thinks she has escaped our influence. How deluded she is! After all, even now my blood flows through her veins!'

'No it doesn't,' Persimmon mumbled from within her fruity refuge.

'Farewell, my lady! I shall return to gloriously lead our colony in the enslavement of all life!' And with that he was gone.

'Some bats just shouldn't have Internet access,' Persimmon told herself in her fruity refuge.

* * * * *

It wasn't far from the sanctuary to Fluttershy's cottage. Though they had only been here a short time they had already picked up from the local animals where it was located as well as the wonderful reputation Fluttershy enjoyed as the pony who could speak with them and who treated them when they were sick or wounded. So it was just after sunset when Kumquat found himself hovering just outside her home.

'Ah-ha!' he told himself, 'I shall now transform into mist and seep through the very doors and windows which she naively assumes can protect her from all danger! Well, there is no protection, no defense, from a vampire fruit bat!' He then squeezed his eyes shut and attempted, through the sheer force of his personality, to perform the transformation he had just mentioned.

It didn't seem to be working.

'Um...well...that oughta do it!' he told himself at last (several times in fact, so it would be easier to believe). 'Now that I am mist I shall seep into the door frame and claim my defenseless victim!' And truth to tell, he was small and flexible enough to climb into the cottage via a space in the frame where the door did not shut flush.

'And now,' he said, 'I shall resume the simulacrum of material form so that I may prey upon this helpless pony maiden, terrifying her beyond the endurance of living flesh, while also strangely at the same time giving her pleasure no mortal can know as I fulfill her most hidden sexual fantasies! Even now she combs her mane, unaware that her very soul will soon be enslaved to damnation! Good thing we vampire bats don't have reflections,' he remarked as he noted Fluttershy using a mirror to primp with. So saying he spread his hideous wings and flew just behind her, opening his mouth wide to begin feeding once she turned around and had fallen under his spell.

Unfortunately, while Kumquat knew he had no reflection, the mirror did not, as a result of which Fluttershy was alerted to his presence immediately.

She was startled for only a moment, but immediately smiled at the presence of her new guest.

“Why, hello there little guy!” she said happily, “what brings you to visit me? Though I'm ever so glad to see you here. Be sure and tell your friends they're also welcome at any time!”

'YOU ARE IN ME POWER!!!' he declared with authority.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I still don't understand your language quite yet. But don't worry, I'll learn it! Why don't you stay with me a while and teach it to me?”

'All tongues obey the Will of Count Kumquat, Lord of Darkness!' he insisted with gusto, 'now...SLEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!'

“Hm. Whatever he's saying, it sure seems to be important,” Fluttershy observed. She turned to the little brown bat that was frequently at her cabin. “Bacardi, do you understand vampire fruit bat? Can you tell me what he's saying?”

Bacardi let go of his perch and took to the air, hovering inquisitively between Kumquat and his friend Fluttershy.

'All right, bud, just what is this all about?' he asked.

Kumquat was confused. “My dark brother,” he said, “why do you live your immortal unlife as a pet to this mortal creature? Join me, and she will be our slave! And she's hawt, too! Is that great or what?'

'What the BLEEP???' was all he got in response. And yes, he really said “BLEEP???” in a very loud and high pitched voice which even Fluttershy could hear, after which he flew behind her and hid himself, shivering.

Fluttershy was not pleased with this.

“Now listen here, young bat,” she said sternly, “I know that you're new around here and don't know the rules of this house, but I just want you to know that whatever you said to poor Bacardi was very bad! We don't talk to one another that way under this roof! Now you go over there to my friend, and you apologize—right now!”

'So you choose to remain a pathetic toy to this miserable creature! Very well! I shall deal with you afterwards!' Once again he flew into Fluttershy's face and widened his eyes, ready to give her the ozone.

'Pathetic victim! Gaze into me eyes! Observe the multicolored swirls, capturing and holding your attention!' [There weren't any swirls.] 'You cannot look away! You are only drawn deeper, deeper, ever deeper into my irresistible trance! Your will is...um...uh...what is your will doing? Fizzling, maybe? Yeah. That's it. Fizzling. Your will is fizzling away to nothing! Your only desire is to obey the every whim of your master, Count Kumquat!'

Indeed, Fluttershy's anger seemed to have abated. He must be getting somewhere. Right?

“Oh, you little cutie!” she giggled, “I just can't stay mad at you! But I'm afraid I really can't participate in this little staring contest. After all, you know what happened last time?”

'Yes!' he said, 'I remember that you were my helpless victim, enslaved to my depraved will! I know not how you broke free of my binding spell, mortal creature, but this time there shall be no escape! I shall have no mercy!'

“Oh, okay, little fella,” she said at last, “you want me to play with you so badly. Tell you what...I'll only use one eye. Maybe this way nothing will happen to you.”

'YES!' Kumquat crowed in triumph, 'you are now my slave!'

Unfortunately, as soon as Fluttershy did her one-eyed stare on him (which was totally adorable, by the way) that he was suddenly seized with a total paralysis, causing him to fall to the floor, and making it difficult for him to think clearly.

“Oh, I did it again!” Fluttershy berated herself, “I didn't mean to! I so hope you'll forgive me! Hm. Now how to get you out of it? I'm afraid to wake you up I'll have to give you the full Stare first. I'm so sorry about this!”

'Well, not me!' Bacardi chirruped and clicked with satisfaction as he hovered nearby, 'Serves him right for getting all up in your grill.'

As for Kumquat, he was only able to register the absolute helplessness he felt as he bore the full weight of Fluttershy's Stare, this time from two eyes and concentrated just on him. He felt himself about to lose consciousness, his mind seeming to dissolve as he stared helplessly into Fluttershy's imperious and seemingly all-powerful eyeballs. The last thought his dying mind managed to choke out as it ceased to exist was What manner of creature is this?

* * * * *

With the greatest difficulty, the creature who could not yet remember his name opened his eyes and was met by a world of blurs. Rubbing them, his vision gradually came into focus and his mind returned to him. Infuriatingly, he was in a small cage while the yellow pony who had done this to him hummed as she fed a number of animals who for whatever reason were in her cottage.

He was outraged!

'No one—I repeat, no...one—puts Count Kumquat into a cage! Now you shall deal with the full extent of me invincible powers!!!' he stressed, trying his best to rattle the bars of his cage but not succeeding very impressively. He did, however, make enough noise for Fluttershy to hear him, and she at once stopped what she was doing to respond.

“Good morning, little fella!” she greeted, “I'm so sorry about what happened! I just needed to put you fully under so I could wake you up, but I wound up knocking you out for the night, so I had to put you in this cage . But don't worry; you're all right now, and I'm going to let you out. Would you like some breakfast?”

The majestic and terrifying Count Kumquat was about to inform her that he would be happy to feast on her soul when he was interrupted.

“Fluttershy? Mind if I come in for a visit, darling?” the high cultured voice asked from outside.

“Oh goodness! Sure, Rarity. I'm so happy to see you this morning!” she said as she opened the door to an ivory white unicorn pony who seemed to him a little too full of herself. “What brings you by my house so early?”

“Well, darling, I know that our spa appointment isn't until later, but I just felt like taking the whole day off for a change, and I said to myself, 'Rarity...why don't you pay your good friend Fluttershy a visit? I'm sure she'd appreciate it!' Um...you do appreciate it?” she asked uncertainly, “I mean, this isn't a bad time, is it?”

“Oh, not at all,” Fluttershy said, “I've been up for some time now. Got to get up early to feed woodland creatures, you know!”

“Oh...yes,” Rarity remarked as she looked about with a jaundiced eye, “woodland creatures. How absolutely...delightful.” She loved Fluttershy and certainly did not consider herself to be anti-animal in any way, but her friend's enthusiasm sometimes struck her odd and (of course) un-hygienic. “I'm afraid that I forgot about your little morning routine. Sorry,” she tittered.

“Oh, don't worry about it!” Fluttershy assured her. Then she froze as a wonderful idea came to her. “Rarity, I know you didn't get a very good first impression of the vampire fruit bats the other day, but guess what? One of them has actually come to visit me!” She clapped her hooves with glee. “Why don't you come over here and introduce yourself? You'll see that they're not so bad. They're just another wonderful link in the great chain of life.”

Rarity's smile faltered considerably, and her swallow was audible.

“You...you really think I should...Wait! Tell you what, darling!” she said enthusiastically, “I can tell you're busy now, so how about we just continue our conversation at the spa, eh? Sorry to have—”

“Now, now!” Fluttershy's face was a bit stern—not scary stern, but enough to indicate her displeasure. “There's no need to be like that, Rarity,” she said, “he's just another little animal who's going to live on Sweet Apple Acres and be my friend. Come here and I'll show you.”

Rarity was trapped now. Fluttershy was not only her best friend, but dreadfully sensitive, while at the same time being a tigress in championing the local wildlife and dispelling misunderstandings about it. With a sigh, she accepted her fate and approached the cage with the angry bat inside.

To her horror, Fluttershy actually opened the cage and took the very angry creature out in her hooves. Not only that, but she actually rubbed the back of its head affectionately with her forehead, like a mother cat might do to a kitten.

“See? He's not so bad. Why, he's just a little furry animal who can fly—aren't you?” she added in the beginnings of baby talk. “Yes oo are! Why, oour fur is just so silky, isn't it? Yes it is!”

“But my dear,” Rarity interrupted, “I'm sorry, but those naked wings just seem so creepy!”

“But they're not,” Fluttershy said, “they're just like paws that have been designed especially to fly! They're a wonder of the natural world!”

“Perhaps, dear, but...ugh...those hideous teeth! Why, he looks like he could sink them all the way through your hoof! I can barely look at them! Ew!”

“That's just because you don't understand,” Fluttershy told her. “See, these awful 'fangs' aren't really fangs at all. They're just modified incisors. Vampire fruit bats have to have those so they can bite into the hardest rinds and extract the juice. Some of those are tough, aren't they, little guy?” She made googly eyes at her captive again.

“But Fluttershy dear, why do they have to suck out the juice and leave an ugly old husk behind? Why don't they just eat the fruit the way the regular fruit bats do?”

“They do it because they have to,” Fluttershy answered. “You see, for whatever reason, vampire fruit bats don't have a digestive system that can process solids, so they have to live on the juice. And that's why they have the oversized incisors. Isn't dat wight, you widdle kyutie?” she added, “yes it is! Yes it is!”

Of course during all this Kumquat was objecting in the loudest possible manner and making all kinds of vile threats, none of which his audience understood. It was really quite embarrassing.

“Would you like to pet him?” Fluttershy asked suddenly.

“WHAT???” Rarity exclaimed a bit loudly, after which she tried to regain control of herself. “You want me to pet that...that...”

“This cute little silky furred frugiverous creature of nature!” Fluttershy finished for her.

Rarity had about made up her mind that, regardless of how it looked, she was going to get the Tartarus out of there. But Fluttershy was observant enough to sense that and make her escape impossible by falling back on her greatest weapon: her SWAG (Stare Which Administers Guilt). Her lips trembled. Her eyes began to tear. She even began to sniffle. Rarity didn't stand a chance.

“Now, come on, Rarity! He's just a widdle bat like my friend Bacardi. You know you're not afraid of him?” She indicated the other bat with a hoof. “So there's no reason to be afraid of this little fella either!”

Rarity knew she was done for. There was no escape. If she wanted out of there, she would have to at least pretend to think the fruit bat was cute (gag!) and maybe even...t-t-touch the hideous thing! With her eyes shut tight she clumsily moved her hoof closer, intending to just brush the top of the thing's head, well away from those awful teeth. Naturally, she missed. And equally naturally, Fluttershy decided to “help” her.

“Awww!” she cooed. Now, was that so bad? Just feel how soft and silky his fur is!”

“I can't feel through a hoof, darling,” Rarity said. This was a mistake, because Fluttershy took it upon herself to prove just how soft and silky Kumquat was by rubbing the bat into her face.

Rarity wanted to scream. And vomit. And faint. And any number of other undesirable actions. There was only one problem. It turned out the bat really was soft and silky to the touch. For some unaccountable reason she was expecting something cold and reptilian. What she got instead was something warm and furry. She was actually surprised.

Gradually, her “fight or flight” instincts began to recede and she even gained the courage to actually look at the thing.

“See?” Fluttershy said, “just another cute little furry animal!” And Rarity found that, much to her astonishment, this appeared to be the case. Of course, if the two ponies could have understood the vile threats of infernal supernatural torment with which the cute silky little creature was threatening them they might have both thought otherwise. Fluttershy's other animals understood, but rather than being horrified chose to be amused.

“My...my dear Fluttershy,” Rarity began, “I would never have believed it, but your little 'friend' there really isn't the foul abomination I thought he was. As a matter of fact, he actually is kind of—dare I say it?—'cute!'” And she began to giggle a little and make her own googly eyes at him.

'Ha!' Kumquat exclaimed to the totally unaware unicorn, 'whatever power protects the yellow one does not protect you! You shall therefore by my first victim! Now...GAZEINTOMEEYES!!!'

“Look, Rarity! He's looking at you!” Fluttershy informed her.

“Why, so he is! My, my...you really do want to be friends, don't you?” And she fluttered her own eyelashes.

This is where the trouble started. For as Kumquat was furiously trying to put the whammy on Rarity...well...he started feeling a little...strange.

Kumquat could have sworn he saw sparkles—sparkles, of all things! And the long, fluttering lashes combined with the deep blue of her irises was indeed having some sort of effect on him. It started gradually, then took off like a freight train.

Why does it seem to be getting hot in here? he asked himself. But the heat wasn't the only factor. Soon he noticed that he was afraid. Afraid? He was terrified!!! His heart beat like the bass drum in a marching band and he attempted to swallow the lump that had unaccountably formed in his throat? What was happening to him?

And then he realized the awful truth: he desired to please the owner of the two sparkling eyes from which he could not look away. He would do anything for her. He would die for her! Which was impossible, with him being an immortal creature of darkness and all, but oh boy, if he could and she had happened to say “Darling, would you mind very much dying for me?” he knew he would have asked 'from which disease?' and immediately proceeded to do so.

He was in heaven...heaven! He could spend the rest of eternity just staring into those bewitching, commanding optical orbs of the white unicorn. Oh, how he wanted her to notice him! Granted she was doing that now, but Kumquat wanted her to continue to notice him...his greatest desire on earth was to earn her approval, to have some significance to this angel that had escaped from Paradise! And that's when the real trouble started.

For you see, there was a price to be paid for staring into the eyes of Rarity, especially at Ground Zero. That price was to know the Horrible Truth of one's insignificance and that once it was over, she would probably never think of him again. She was Rarity, the Siren of Sirens, and her victim was a nobody, a miserable nothing whom the fair lady would soon forget and never even recall again.

It was horrible. She won't even remember me ten minutes from now Kumquat observed sorrowfully as his heart was torn asunder. She—she doesn't even know my name! We'll probably never even write each other!!! It was all too cruel! And then came the inevitable, the horrible Doom that befell all who dared to gaze into the Eyes of Rarity—he found himself thinking the Four Awful Words.

I feel so inadequate!

Though it were death to resist, he knew he must rip his gaze from that of the Irresistible Succubus and escape! His feeble mind screamed at him all the while, No, Kumquat! Let us forget the outside world and remain here forever, floating in the bliss bestowed by the favor of this goddess! Though it last only a moment and be followed by a lifetime of agony, nevertheless it is worth it, for to bear the notice of the White Pony for even an instant is worth the eternity of madness that must follow! And though it was the most difficult thing he had ever had to do, though his very soul should leave his body and cleave to its Supreme Mistress, yet he knew what he must do. With every bit of will that yet remained to him, he tore his eyes away and made for the door, where he exited just as he had entered the day before, weeping bitter tears the whole time.

“Oh my!” Fluttershy observed, “Where do you think he has gone?”

“Where has who gone, darling?” Rarity the Heartless, Breaker of a Million and One Hearts, asked with a smirk.

Kumquat meanwhile flew as far from the little cottage as he could, his heart dying from grief all the while and his eyes filled with tears. What manner of creature was that? he asked himself. That I, Count Kumquat, Monarch of All Evils, should fall under so foul a spell? Till but a few minutes ago I was perfectly content, not even knowing this creature existed. And now...now I cannot imagine living without her! Now all my previous life amounts to nothing! And I am to spend the rest of my eternal life in misery, recalling this Vision of What Can Never Be while she herself has probably forgotten me already! I have been placed under a curse! And indeed he had, as any number of stallions and one particular baby dragon could have sadly told him.

Eventually he reached the Whitetail Woods, into which he flew a great distance before finally hanging on a tree branch and crying himself to sleep.

* * * * *

Kumquat knew not how long he had been hanging from his branch and futilely seeking relief for his scorched soul in the arms of slumber. He slept but fitfully, and suffered from constant dreams of a Beautiful White Unicorn who actually knew he existed and who bestowed her favors on him. But as his conscious mind gradually returned so did the bitterness of knowing that in the real world he had been but another nameless victim—doubtless one of an innumerable host—of the white unicorn with the blue mane. And once again his heart began aching as his tears returned.

Wha—what manner of creature was that? he asked himself. Whatever it was, its power must be very great to victimize Count Kumquat, Supreme Master of All Darkness and Sex Symbol Supreme! Why, among all these helpless mortal ponies, do I keep running into these Abominations?

But of course such thoughts did not mend his tormented, victimized heart, so his tears began afresh, and he cried like a newborn pup. How he had fallen! But a day ago he was the master of all dark forces, and now he was an enchanted and cursed victim of a Being whose powers dwarfed his own.

Unlife was not fair!

But low and behold, at this point his sharp ears caught an approaching sound. And as it grew closer he realized that it was calling his name!

“Kumquat,” he heard, “kumquat, kumquat, kumquat!”

Welcoming any relief from his just begun eternity of pining, he dried his eyes and bestirred himself. 'Who calls me?' he asked, 'who dares to disturb the pity party of Count Kumquat?'

Releasing his grip on the branch, he took to the air and honed in on the sound, which persisted in calling his name. Imagine his astonishment at finding yet another of the ponies he remembered from the apple orchard. He recalled that this one in particular was a silly, empty-headed mare of no account whatsoever. He also recalled with cruel gusto that this particular pony was simply terrified of vampire fruit bats. And at this something in his mind snapped.

'Enough!' he shouted. 'I have had enough of being enchanted and cursed and victimized like a mere mortal creature by these witches masquerading as simple ponies! This ends now!'

Brimming with anger, as well as sadistic glee on finding someone to take it out on, he flew directly up to the face of the pink pony who had shown such fear a short time before, preparing to make her the brunt of all his frustration.

“Ooh, look at that!” the pony exclaimed, “it's one of those cute little fruit bats!” And at this his wrath boiled over.

'Cute? Cute???' he asked, 'Pathetic horse creature, you dare to think Count Kumquat, Supreme Ruler of All Terrors is cute??? Unfortunate wretch, I have been twice enchanted and humiliated by pony-looking things, but I shall have it no more! For you shall have the supreme misfortune of being the one on whom I shall pour the full might of my power! Stupid pink pony, GAZEINTOMEEYES and prepare to know torments undreamed of by your foolish, cotton candy head!'

“Ooh! Cute little batty-watty wants to make friends!” she said, infuriating him further. “Now I'll have to throw a party for you, won't I? Tell you what...until we can get back to Ponyville, how about I give you this?”

From somewhere—or perhaps more correctly nowhere—the pink pony produced a red balloon.

Count Kumquat, all patience exhausted and affability gone, showed her just what he thought of the gift by biting it with his immense rind piercing fangs and bursting it.

“Aw, now why'd you have to go and do that?” the pony asked, obviously dispirited from the look of her mane and eyes, “that really wasn't nice, you know. Why don't I give you a whole bunch of balloons!” And she waved her hooves, at which a veritable forest of balloons appeared out of nowhere. Kumquat couldn't move without bumping into one.

“What's the matter, batty?” the pony asked again, though looking a lot less intimidated than he remembered, “Don't you like my pretty balloons? Here, why don't you take this one? C'mon now...don't you want it? Don't you want it? Don't you WANT it? Don't you WANT it???”

Now, this pony's eyes were beginning to glow, and it was totally unlike either the paralyzing stare of the yellow one or the heartbreaking, enthralling gaze of the white one. This—this was something completely different. And the feelings it was producing were unlike any he had ever experienced in his life.

What...what manner...of creature... he began, but the thought didn't even get to fully form. Now it wasn't just the pony's eyes; now there was a pulsating glow from her underside that was even more commanding (though 'commanding' was far too weak a term of it). The last thing he noticed was that the silly little pink pony, now bearing a most sinister grin, seemed to be growing larger and even changing shape. Now she was no longer a pony at all. Now she was—

His mind vanished completely, not lulled to sleep, but captured and seemingly digested by these pulsating pink lights.

* * * * *

Into the formless void a ray of light unaccountably entered, and a consciousness that had not existed previously began to slowly and painfully form.

Then there was perception of the light, followed by the sensation of being touched, followed in turn by a distorted but slowly growing perception of sounds. Gradually a pattern emerged in the sounds and something that knew not what it was began to pick out a repeated phoneme: 'Kumquat! Kumquat!! Kumquat!!!' What a funny word!

Then there was sudden and frenetic movement, after which a personality began to solidify.

'C'mon, shake 'im! We have to wake him up!'

'We're doing the best we can! This isn't easy to come out of, you know!'

And suddenly the consciousness bolted awake, though its identity was still having trouble catching up. And when it opened its eyes it found an alien light so bright it was unbearable, and it had to close them again.

'Snap out of it, Kumquat! We need to get you out of here!'

Kumquat it thought. That silly sound. That's my name. That's me!

'Kumquat, are you all right? Do you know where you are?' he heard a strangely familiar voice ask.

It took a while for his voice to return. At last he managed to say 'I think my name is Kumquat?' in a creaky tone that sounded like a door hinge that had not been used for a very long time.

'Yes! That's right! You're Kumquat! Now come on, snap out of it the rest of the way,' the same voice said.

It took a while for his eyes to get used to the light, and when they did he was surprised at just how dim it actually was. It had seemed like a laser at first, but he noticed that it was filtering in from somewhere.

'Where am I?' he asked.

'You're underground in the Ponyville sewage lagoon,' a second familiar voice answered him. 'Something led us down here—some feeling we were all having—and we saw you all webbed up. We've been trying to wake you up for ten minutes, and something tells me we'd better get out of here as quick as we can.'

'I'm...not sure I can fly yet,' Kumquat said ruefully. 'What happened anyway? How did I get down here?'

'Apparently those bronies were right about the pink one,' the first voice answered.

'Persimmon!' Kumquat exclaimed in recognition.

'That's right! And I'm not the only one.'

Kumquat looked about him and recognized his other friends as well.

'Mango! Sweet Melon! Belle Pear! Dewberry! You're all here!'

'Yep,' the aforementioned Mango said, 'we were all worried about you. I mean, you're a nut, but we're kind of fond of you.'

'And it's not just us four,' Persimmon told him.

'Kum-QUAAAAT!!!'

He was stunned to hear that voice. 'M...M...Mom?????'

'That's right,' she said, 'Just what do you think you were up to reading those awful fics and then hanging around with all those ponies? Don't you know that they're dangerous?'

'I guess I didn't know how much,' the answered sheepishly. 'It was just awful! First was that yellow one with her creepy eyes, than that white one bewitched me and broke my heart, and finally...'

'Don't worry about that now,' she told him, 'let's just get you home so you can recuperate. And I hope that's the last time you get any ideas from bronies . . . y'hear?'

'I...It will be!' he assured her.

'Hey...Kumquat's Mom?' Dewberry asked shyly, 'are you gonna need any help lookin' after Kumquat for a while? I mean—'

He was silenced by a poke in the ribs from Mango.

'You ready to go now, son?' his mother asked.

'I...I think so,' he said, 'I just hope that this awful experience doesn't haunt me for the rest of my life. I mean...that white pony packed quite a wallop. Do you think my broken heart will ever mend?'

'Hey, 'Quat,' Persimmon interrupted, 'you're saying the white one broke your heart? She used her Magical Female Powers(tm) on you?'

'Yes,' Kumquat said sadly. 'I feel so small!'

'Hey, don't worry about it,' Persimmon assured him, 'Look, I'm a girl, with the same soul-destroying Magical Female Powers(tm) as the rest of my gender. And I'm your friend, too. I can twitterpate you and then cruelly and wantonly crush your heart to pieces any time. Then you can spend the rest of your tormented, heart-broken life futilely moping around and pining after me. You'll be so utterly destroyed that you'll never give that white pony another thought!'

'Y...You'd do that...for me?' he asked.

'Hey! What are friends-who-are-girls for if not that?' she said.

'Oh, thank you!' he said, his eyes shining with fear and awe at the psychic torture (and disappointment) that awaited him.

'Come on, Kumquat,' his mother told him, 'Climb on. You're not so big that I still can't carry you. Let's get you home!'

And so Kumquat climbed onto his mother's chest fir as he had done as a baby and held on as they all exited the dreary place and returned to their sanctuary home on Sweet Apple Acres.

'Um...hey, Kumquat's Mom?' Dewberry suggested again, 'you sure you won't need me to stay for a few days and help you look after Kumquat? I mean, I don't have anything else to—'

He was forced to stop as Mango elbowed him again.

'Duuuude!' Sweet Melon said discreetly to Dewberry in response to the situation, 'that's Kumquat's mom! She's...like...the same age as your mom!'

'I can't help it!' Dewberry confessed, 'Kumquat's Mom has got it going on!'

END

Author's Note

Yeah, I know, it was a really weird story, but I just wanted to protest against all the supernatural bat fics in my own way! Anyway...

The name "Bacardi" for Fluttershy's bat friend comes from Ponibooru.

The phrase "gaze into me eyes!" (which actually comes from an old Heckle and Jeckle cartoon) uses "me" instead of the possessive "my" intentionally. This is an old melodramatic convention for villains ("Aha now, me proud beauty!") and was used that way in the H&J cartoon mentioned above.

The "alternative" label comes from the appearance by Pinkiewise, who was also created to parody and counteract the "evil/supernatural Pinkie" fics so prevalent at one time.

Thank you for reading!