An Insane Human in Equestria Story

by Flyingspud

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 1960

This is my take on if I were to wind up in Equestria. Sort of logically accurate.

A self insert of me in Equestria. This is (not really) as logically accurate as it can get. It follows me in Equestria as I slowly go insane. Yippee.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-21 02:54:02 UTC

Entrance

Welcome to my intrepid adventures in Equestria. I actually mean it this time. Major changes were made.

So without further ado,

I never went to Equestria. It’s impossible.

Now that isn’t much of a story. So I’m going to suppose the following:

I do get to Equestria alive and well.

I am not changed into a pony.

I do not bring my whole home with me.

I have only what I have in my pockets at the time of transportation. (one iPod and headphones at 70% battery, 2 pens, 25 dollars cash, and my student ID.)

I arrive in the Everfree Forest

So now then, without any further ado, I enter Equestria!

*\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/*

What happened? Where am I?

I panic, seeing as I was on the sidewalk, walking through my city, not even 5 minutes ago. Now I’m in the middle of a large forest in who-knows-where. Could things get any worse? Clearly they can. I must have made quite a racket when I arrived,

since the first thing to approach is a sort of predatory beast.

Well this sucks. I have no weapon and I’m staring down a predator. Could this possibly get worse? Thanks to Murphy, it

does.

Another creature comes crawling out of the metaphorical woodwork, this one slightly larger and obviously dominant to the smaller one. Thanks a lot for screwing me over Murphy, you know I love that!

Naturally I turn tail and run. Naturally, being in a forest, I smack into a tree first thing. Well, now I know I’m gonna die. May as well die with some awesome music on. I put on my headphones, and begin playing The Living Tombstone’s Smile Song. As it begins, I casually put the iPod back in my pocket, and turn to face the predators. Yep, they’re both still there. But they aren’t doing anything. Just when I think I’m safe, one lunges at me, snapping at my neck.

Ok, so maybe it will hurt. I realize that I have instinctively thrown my arms up to defend myself, and am now holding a thrashing, snapping beast in front of me. I throw it off into the bush, where it crumples to the ground, knocked out from hitting a tree. The other one, seeing it’s superior down, quickly flees.

Score one for upper body strength.

I know that I’m probably not going to be found by anyone soon, so why stay put? I start walking off, changing my music to something more befitting a long trek. Unable to decide on anything in particular, I put on Guile’s theme. It goes with everything.

*\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/*

Now, it was nearly two hours I’d been walking, I got the twenty percent battery warning on my iPod, so that’s put away, and now I’m still lost. Why can’t there be a path out of here? Oh wait, there is. Right in front of me. How convenient is that?

Another good hour goes by, and my legs are burning. I decide to take a rest on the side of the road and hope that nothing dangerous goes by. Sitting down on a log, I take into consideration where I might be. I get bored quickly, so I carry on walking. Is it ever a long walk, too. No road signs, not even trail signs. I begin to think that maybe it’s an animal trail, not even man-made. For all I know, I’m walking to a dead end. This just sucks.

*\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/*

Oh good, I can finally see a small town. Salvation at last! I break into a full run, but quickly stop. I’m very hungry by now, not to mention thirsty. My legs are burning and I can hardly walk, let alone run. Oh well. I’ll just rest a while, and continue into town in a few minutes. Sitting down for the first time in hours, I realize I have a great view of the sunset. I watch as it descends below the horizon. 7:00 PM. I’ve been walking for almost a whole frikkin’ day! I sink back into the ground, allowing myself to relax. I am just about to return to my walking when I hear.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! EVERYPONY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

I jump to my feet, a move that surprises even me. Now I'm not what you would call muscular, by any chance, unless you consider having one big muscle right around your stomach muscular. So that means I shouldn't be able to jump from my ass to my feet. I guess being startled has that effect.

I turn around, and of course I see a small gathering of ponies. One of them is running in a  panic, I quickly identify her as Pinkie Pie. The rest of them are slowly backing away from me. It's definitely the mane six, I'd recognize them anywhere. I think that I should probably leave this alone before I'm attacked. Wouldn't want that to happen now, would you? I back away, slowly as not to startle them, and I return to just within the Everfree Forest.

*\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/*

Alright. A new day, a new chance eh? Maybe the ponies will actually accept me this morning. That's how the stories all go right? Well not this one. I wake to what seemed to be fetid meat. Opening my eyes, I find myself face-to-face with a large lion beast. Well shit. I wish it could be like in a typical HiE, so I get a shotgun or at least a pistol. But no, I got nothing. I could try to bribe it with my now useless currency, or maybe I could try to stab it with a pen. That would go over well.

I'm about to get up and run when I hear a soft feminine voice. Fluttershy. If I remember correctly, she was able to control the manticore.

"Good boy, you can go now." I hear her say. As she said it, the manticore seems to fill with pride as it turns away and returns to its forest home.

"Now then, what exactly are you? Pinkie seemed to recognize you last night, but I still think I should know what you are. If it's ok with you, that is..." she trails off at the end.

Smiling, I rise to a sitting position.

"I am a human. As you can probably guess, I am not from here. I'm damn lucky too, that you would actually speak the same language I do. For future reference, I call it English. Next question." I respond.

"Um, do you have a name?" Barely a squeak. I think I should take this conversation a little easier.

"It's..." I pause, needing to think up a name. You think I was going to put my real name into a story that anyone can read? No, I'm using the one I got out of some name generator at random thirty minutes ago.

"Finch. Phineas Finch." I say.

"Ok, are you alright Mr. Finch? I mean, are you hurt or anything?" she asks me, now seeming to be getting more at ease now that she knows my name.

"More tired than anything. I spent all of yesterday walking."

Fluttershy asks a few more questions, and seems to be quite comfortable with my presence. She offers to let me stay at her place so I don't need to stay in the forest.

"I insist, really. It wouldn't be any extra trouble for me."

"Fine, fine. I'll stay with you. Here's a little collectable for your trouble." I hand Fluttershy a toonie.

"What's this? Not to offend you, I mean. It's just I..." she awkwardly stammers on.

"S'alright Fluttershy. It's money. Worth two dollars, or bits, I guess."

She seems to be satisfied at first, but then she seems to adore it when she sees the detail on the back. Evidently she would enjoy nickels, quarters, loonies, and toonies. I keep that in mind for later. We begin walking back to Fluttershy's home. The walk doesn't take too long, but I do need to answer quite a few questions. As we walk up to the cottage, Fluttershy asks that awkward question.

"What do humans eat?"

"A bit of everything, Fluttershy. We eat almost any fruit, vegetable, grain, any non-poisonous mushroom, dairy products, and a personal favorite of mine, meat."

Now this part surprises me. Rather than the typical reaction of shock or horror, all I get out of Fluttershy is a nod of acknowledgement. Her next question also catches me off guard.

"Do you like pork?"

"Yes, why?"

"Would you mind preparing it for yourself? I don't have a lot of experience in cooking meat, since only the older wolves and bears need it done that way, and I also have a lot of other animals to tend to. There's some on the counter right now."

"Huh."

"What did you say?

"Nothing. I just didn't expect such a calm response from you."

Fluttershy was about to reply, but was cut off by a cry of warning from above us. 4 o'clock high, to be more precise.

"Fluttershy, get away from that thing! It’s dangerous!" Rainbow Dash shouts, as I snap my head around to see her streaking towards us.

I sidestep her diving attack, causing her to hit the ground hard. Another step takes me out of the way of a heavy gauge rope that would have strung me up like a pig. Yet another causes a magic blast to fly wide of me. But nothing can dodge Twilight's levitation spell.

Now I'm hanging about a foot above the ground. I see the mane 6 approaching me. They seem to be showing a mix of fear and curiosity.

"Um, Twilight, care to put me down?" I ask.

"Not until I can verify that you're safe. What are you?"

"Human."

"Do you have any 'guns' or 'bullets'?"

"How do you know about those?"

"Princess Celestia sent me a long article from a recent study. Some ponies discovered humans, and have since begun to observe them. We've seen what you do to your own species. And yes, we know that you know about us too." Twilight explains to me. "Now answer my question."

"Wait, how can you see us? Is this another dimension, or just another place on Earth?" I ask, now confused.

"Simple. The princesses royal scientists have discovered a spell that opens a means of accessing another dimension. It just so happens that you walked into one of the windows this spell creates." Twilight explains again. "Now answer my question."

"Alright. I don't have a gun. And bullets are only dangerous if you have a gun to fire them with. So I assure you, I'm quite safe." I answer, not liking the way she was starting to look at me.

"Well, that's good enough for now. I guess you can be considered safe as long as at least one of my friends is with you at all times. Is that acceptable?" Twilight asks, now putting me down.

"Agreed. With whom do I go first?" I ask, now feeling much more relaxed.

"Twilight, I can take him first... unless you wanted to, that's ok..." Fluttershy speaks up timidly.

"Alright then, human, you will stay with Fluttershy for your first day here, then I guess you can come with me tomorrow." Twilight dictates.

"Very well. Good day, Twilight. Company." I say, nodding at the ponies respectively.

I think I'm going to enjoy this. Very much, I think.

I think so too...

Aw shit...

*\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/*

So there's my revamped first chapter. Thanks to Rainbow Sparkle for his recommendations, and thanks to those who decided to track a complete story. This story has been changed to incomplete, so now I'll be actually making this a fair bit longer.