Terminal Anguish
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Terminal Anguish

Entry 1

I am currently in a bunker located far underneath the castle of our capital. I’m not going to lie, I’m quite frightened by the turn of events that transpired today. But I have to be strong. The lives of my subjects hang in the balance.

We used to be strong, proud, and large in numbers. I used to be proud of leading this great nation. We were much more than just a kingdom. We were a family.

But we are not without our flaws. There were many of my beloved subjects that did not see eye to eye with one another. Some would always try to see the good in everyone, assume that we have reason for our mistakes and will always learn from them. Others were guilty of the opposite, hungering for war and whenever something bad happened, would always demand retribution. There was no middle ground among us and unfortunately in recent years, many of us were in that second boat.

It all started when they appeared.

They who sought to destroy us. They feared us, they knew NOTHING about us. They wanted one simple thing from us.

War.

It was because of her that all this happened. A foreign ruler from a foreign land who came here into our homeland. They came here and destroyed our lives, their own minds poisoned by their brutality. They did everything in their power to exterminate every single one of us. They were out for blood and they got it.

And it’s all my fault…

Because of my recklessness and stupidity, I allowed this genocide to take place. Had I caught the signs early, I could’ve stopped it before it began. I used to think I was a good ruler. I want to say I knew the best for my subjects, that I would always be there for their well-being. But after what happened, I began to doubt myself very much.

I was blinded by love. I longed for it. That single one emotion that would fulfill my life. And now, it doomed us all. But I will not let that deter me. I got us into this mess and I swear on my crown that I will lead us through it. It’s my responsibility.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 2

I remain down here to help the sick and wounded. As much as I wanted to lead my troops on the outside, it would do no good for the leader to fall this early in the war. And, alas, I have a personal stake in this. My subjects, many of whom I considered family, were threatened by the enemy and were scared for their lives, rightfully so. I knew I had to be strong. For all of us. One of them was just married and her husband is out on the front lines right now. I hope that he will make it out alive. Until then, I have to comfort the frightened child.

An hour into this morning’s routine, I discovered something troubling. One of our sergeants came to me with an update of the battlefields.

“Your majesty!” he called out. “We have an urgent situation that needs your assistance.

Majesty. An honorific that I felt I didn’t deserve. Despite it being I who caused this mess, they still depended on me. Trusted me. Loved me. I could never repay my subjects for their loyalty and kindness despite the damage I caused. Nevertheless, I followed the sergeant and he led me to the infirmary where one of our own was in need of medical aid.

What I saw horrified me.

This soldier was none other than our captain of military. His ironclad armor and bandages did little to hide the stench of rotting flesh and writhing maggots crawling across his boy. He was alive but clearly in a lot of pain. He was trying to fight hand of death that hovered over him, ready to take him out of this world. Part of me just wanted to end his suffering. I couldn’t stand seeing him like this. The sight of his critical state was making me nauseous, I had to fight to choke back vomit as I help to clean his wounds.

“Hang in there captain. Your wife is waiting for you to come back to her.” I said trying to push out any negative assumptions out of my head.

He turned his head towards me. His eyes were tired fixated on me and his face said it all.

No fear. No sorrow. No anger. No ounce of emotion whatsoever. He just had a blank expression that told me he knew what I was thinking. He knew he was done for.

It was like he accepted his fate. His wounds were infected and too deep to close properly. I could not count the sheer number of writhing bugs and pus that oozed from them. Even if he did survive his injuries, there was a large chance he would lose most, if not all of his limbs. His body was so rotten that he couldn’t feel pain anymore. That’s no way for him to live. He wouldn’t want to live like that. He couldn’t live like that.

I tried my best to comfort him but he was too far gone. I learned the next morning that he… didn’t make it. His new wife was devastated. She stopped eating, started to spend her time crying and would cry herself to sleep. She lost the will to live. I tried to be there for her, but her anguish was too much. We could do little to ease her steady depression.

Why did I have to bring this on her? Why did I start all this? What would I have accomplished if I did nothing though? What COULD I’ve accomplished? Whatever the case, I had to needed to stay steadfast. I had to succeed for all those whom I sent spiraling into despair.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 3

What does it mean to fear? Is it when you know for a fact that what you’re up against is stronger than you? Or is it when you know for a fact that you are not strong enough to face it?

What does it mean to BE feared? Is it when those below you obey your every command because of what you CAN do? Or because of what you WON’T do?

Whatever the case, fear is running loose down here among my restless and paranoid subjects. He have lost nearly all contact from the outside and our food rations are nearly gone. Unless some of us go out and gather more, I fear we will not live make it much longer. A few brave ones stepped forward and volunteered to go out in search of more rations; they had little left to lose anyway, with their families lost to them. However, we needed someone to lead the team now that our captain was gone. It wasn’t long before we had someone who stepped forward to lead them.

Me.

Despite the protests of others, I needed- no, WANTED- to go out there. I had to lead by example. If I did fall, then I would do it helping my subjects from this whole mess. My subjects needed someone to be strong and I was willing to take any chance to protect them, get them through this. If I was going to be killed for it, so be it. I am not afraid to die.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 4

We were able to bring back enough food and supplies to last for several months. How fortunate it was for us that we didn’t encounter any hostiles on the outside. They have not yet penetrated the capital’s barricades, how fortunate for us.

We had medicine for the sick. We had food for the hungry. We had everything we needed.

For some reason however, I felt uneasy when transporting all of it back to the bunker. I don’t know what it was but I felt like we were being watched. I’m more concerned with the care of my subjects though, so I have to push that fear aside and get all these supplies to them.

They need support in this dark time. I aim to see this through to the end. We need to save as many as we can. I’ve already lost many close friends and I don’t want to see any more go. We need that kind of love to survive.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 5

Of all the times for it to happen, of all the places for it to take place, this bunker wasn't the most ideal place for a baby to be born. A mother gave birth to a son. I was happy for her but scared for them at the same time. This kind of situation is no place for a child.

Now I have another reason to see us succeed. I don’t want this child’s life to end as it just started. This young mother mustn't be deterred from caring for her son.

We must be victorious...

***

Entry 6

A fight broke out today in the bunker over a complaint about food rationing. Due to the birth of the new baby, there was an extra mouth to feed, something we didn’t take into account when we did the supply run. Some of the others were angry about the change in how the food was given out due to this, many complaining how small their portions were.

I did not want to this to escalate so I decided to go without my food for awhile. Others needed it more than I did and in all honesty, I think they deserve it more than I. We had to keep our strength up if we’re to survive this dark time.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 7

Faster than we anticipated, we ran low on rations and medical supplies. We needed to go out and get more. I went out and led another resupply run with the same volunteers as before. Once again, we were able to gather what we needed, even better in quantity and quality.

Again, I had that feeling of impending doom that hung over my head as we returned into the bunker. My instincts told me to be cautious. I relaxed a bit once everything was taken down into the safehouse. We dodged a bullet today but how long can we keep it up? Morale was starting to diminish but I had to keep energies high, and spirits even higher.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 8

My strategists came up with an idea that would benefit the innocents trapped down here. If we could dig a tunnel far away from this location, we could resurface elsewhere and escape from there. I just knew we were being watched from the outside so it was crucial that we do this unnoticed. This is a good idea provided it works.

Many of us pitched in and started digging tunnels ranging outwards. For what seemed like days, even weeks, they dug, and dug, and dug. It was physically exhausting for many of us and a few actually worked themselves to death. Progress was steady however, thanks to the efforts of those who died. They put all their effort into a plan that would hopefully benefit their friends and family. They sacrificed their lives trying to save them. I cannot let that effort be in vain.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 9

I’m starting feel weak. It’s been almost two months now with only one meal per week for me. To stretch out food rations for my subjects, I continued to go without food for much of the time and even when I did eat, I only took minimal morsels that were only large enough to keep me alive yet did not satisfy my hunger. I will endure this though, for my subjects are more important to me than my own body functions. I know they worry. I appreciate it. Even though I deserve no love, they still express it to me anyway.

How noble I must appear to them right now, to willingly starve myself so that they have nourishment of their own, to endure my illnesses so that they have medicines to use for theirs. To them, I must be a saint.

Yeah, a saint that could’ve prevented all this in the first place.

How can they worship me when it was I who caused their families to die and their friends to turn on each other? Do they genuinely love me? Or do they fear me? Maybe in their desperation they turned me into a messiah that would fix her own mistake. Maybe they truly do believe I will save everyone. I certainly hope that I can but… I’m not as optimistic as I used to be.

I want so desperately to say “do not fear my children. Mama will keep you all safe.” But would I be making a promise I couldn’t deliver? And if I did, was it to ease their tension? Or my own? I want them to live long enough to answer that themselves.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 10

It was getting to be that time to find more food and supplies. Whether it was out of kindness, concern, or altruism, some of my subjects saved their food morsels to give to me. They wanted me to eat something more than just pieces of bread. They wanted me to replenish my energy and nutrients.

I didn’t want to accept those offerings but they wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.

“Please your majesty, you must eat.”

“Don’t die. We want you to be with us.”

“We love you.”

All of these endearing comments struck me. Even though I was starving myself so they could eat, they wanted to share their food with me. I didn’t want to disappoint them any further so what choice did I have?

I haven’t had a full stomach in months. I can’t say how much I appreciate their kindness. I would never be able to repay it for as long as I live. I was more determined than ever to help them now. I wanted to show them that same kindness they showed me.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 11

We did our next supply run today. This time, we made as many trips as we could to bring back all remaining food and medicine we could find. When I was up at the surface, I could’ve SWORN I saw one of them. Those… fucking monsters! I didn’t dare get close enough to confirm it though. I didn’t WANT to. And besides, I had to help my subjects carry the supplies back.

Once we got everything that we could possibly stuff the bunker with, I had some of my soldiers help me set up a few booby traps in and around the entrance of the safehouse; we had no reason to return back from here anyway. If the enemy tries to strike us this way, they would be in for quite a surprise. We had to keep them out long enough to finish the tunnel.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 12

The past few days, I’ve noticed more of my subjects have been getting sick. I mean REALLY sick. A few have been having trouble breathing, others have been shivering uncontrollably, others still have even suffered excessive vomiting and not being able to keep food or water down. The medicines don’t seem to be helping much. In fact, they seem to be making things worse.

I was helpless to remedy the situation. What was going on? I didn’t know. We had to stay strong no matter what, but… I was starting to lose hope.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 13

That tunnel seems to be nearly finished. A few of the miners have talked about coming to an opening quite aways in. I hope we can finish in time to save the others. They are getting worse in condition. Be strong my children.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 14

Those bastards! Those fucking bastards! They poisoned our food! That’s why my subjects have been getting sick! Our medicines aren’t working because they can’t counteract the poison. I guess I’m fortunate that I don’t eat enough to have the poison affect me. I wish I could trade places with my subjects, I really do. If I could take all their suffering away I would.

What do we do? If we keep eating this food, we die. If we stop eating, we die. We are at an impasse. We just need to hold on for a little while longer.

We must be victorious…

***

Entry 15

It took as a long time but we finally finished that tunnel. However, it would appear that our enemies are closing in. We must spring our trap now. I requested my soldiers to led everyone out through the tunnel. One brave soldier stood beside me to help with the trap, knowing full when he would have to die for it to work.

“I have nothing to lose. My family are all gone. At least I will be able to join them.”

With those words, he did what he had to do. As all the other subjects were being led to safety, he lured the enemies into our trap. When he was in position, I detonated some explosives that were planted earlier.

It worked. The debris fell on all of them and killed most of them while also keeping a majority at bay, thinking the cave-in killed everyone inside.

All but me.

Now I was trapped in this enclosed space. My subjects were safe, but I would not be able to join them. I will remain here for the rest of my tired days.

***

Entry 16

I don’t know how long I have been down here. I want to say three days but it might’ve been longer than that. I’m hungry from the lack of nourishment but I’ve grown used to the hunger pains by now. I have no way of surviving.

I will have to wait for it to finish me off.

***

Entry 17

It feels like it’s been a few weeks now. I’m feeling tired but I can’t sleep much.

***

Entry 18

It’s getting colder. Is it snowing outside?

***

Entry 19

What was that? WHAT WAS THAT? Am I hallucinating? Is anyone there?! PLEASE IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, I’M OVER HERE!.... No response….

***

Entry 20

WHAT WAS THAT? I hear them! THE SCREAMS! MAKE THEM STOP! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THEM ANYMORE! SHUT UP! STOP CRYING!... PLEASE! MAKE IT STOP! I’m sorry! Whatever I did to deserve this, I didn’t mean to! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

***

Entry 21