I consider myself a pretty normal person. I work a 9 to 5 job, have a small apartment to myself, and I’m just slacking through life. I even have time to watch MLP every week, though I’m by no means a hardcore fan of the show. I just watched it because the animation was good. I had everything I needed, and could make do with whatever else I had. So why, out of all the people she could have stumbled upon, did she stumble upon me?
But I’m getting ahead of myself. This whole thing started last month, after a particularly late night at work. I was so exhausted, I could barely get through the new episode before I collapsed in a heap in my bed. I was happily asleep, until I was awoken by a soft poke. No one lived with me, and I didn’t have any pets, so this was disconcerting, to say the least. I froze, unsure what to do. If it was a robber, why would they try to wake me up? Trying to add insult to injury? Perhaps it was a figment of my imagination, and I was still dreaming. Or maybe it was Pinkie Pie, poking me again as I opened my eyes and saw her staring back at me. Out of the thousands of emotions that ran through my mind in that second, not a single one could dominate the others, leaving me staring vacantly at the pony that was now smiling at me.
“Hiya! I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name? What are you?” She was still grinning ear to ear, almost literally. I would have questioned how that was possible if I had been sane, but by this point my brain might as well have leapt out of my head and walked out on me, and that would honestly make more sense than the scene playing out before me. She continued staring as her smile turned into a look of concern. “Hey, are you okay? Did the cat get your tongue?”
I’m dreaming, I thought to myself. I’m still dreaming. I’m having a psychotic episode. There is absolutely no way that this is happening right now. I’ll just close my eyes and go to sleep, and then everything will be better.
I shut my eyes, trying to block out the images in my head that were defying reality itself.
…poke. …poke. …poke…poke…poke poke poke. “Hey, are you okay?”
This wasn’t a dream! Every time she poked me, I could feel her hoof, its weight pressing my clothes against me. I had no choice. I would have to confront my insanity. I mean, what else could explain this?
Funny, I always imagined that being insane would involve more balloons. Though, given Pinkie’s personality, balloons aren’t that far off.
Slowly, I opened my eyes, once again coming face to face with Pinkie. Her face lit up as she saw that I had snapped out of my catatonic state.
“Hey! I was worried you had gone to sleep, even though you’ve been sleeping forever! I mean, like, forever forever!” She gave another one of her face bending smiles, and bounded up onto my bed. This did not help my mental state.
“You still haven’t told me your name yet, or what you are.” She settled down, tucked her hooves into her body and waited for a response, gazing at me with those huge blue eyes.
Did I take some kind of drug last night? Maybe I downed a bottle of aspirin with some scotch and forgot about it.
The impromptu staring contest wouldn’t end unless I started talking, and it was really hard to concentrate with those eyes piercing mine. “I… I’m Jay…” I managed to get out, barely louder than a whisper.
“Jay? Like a blue jay? Ooohhh, do you sing? I bet you do! That must be why you’re named Jay!” It was amazing to see how ecstatic she could get when I had simply told her my name. She was up again, hopping and bouncing on my bed, doing her best imitations of a bird call.
Now that I had gotten first contact out of the way and introduced myself, I couldn’t just lay in bed. I hesitantly pulled the covers off of myself and immediately regretted it as Pinkie gasped loudly and looked at me in what I would guess was morbid curiosity.
“What are you? I’ve never seen anything like you, and I’ve seen every animal in Ponyville!” She settled down again, obviously expecting an answer.
She doesn’t know what a human is, does she? Wait, of course she doesn’t! She wouldn’t know because she doesn’t exist! I really have fallen off the wagon, haven’t I?
“Screw it!” I cried out, jumping out of bed. Pinkie hadn’t been expecting this, as the newly formed hole in my ceiling could attest to that. She was in a daze, pieces of the drywall in her mane. I felt I pang of guilt, having scared her like that and making her jump, when I reminded myself that she was a figment of my shattered psyche and that she couldn’t really feel pain. I continued with my rant, though with less shouting this time. “If I’m gonna be insane, I might as well embrace it.” I turned, and got my first good look at the entity known as Pinkie Pie. She had retained all of her characteristics from the show, from her curly pink mane to the three balloons on her flank. The only thing noticeable was that she was now a three dimensional object. I had seen 3D models of her on the internet, and she looked nearly exactly like one of those, though there was something about her, I couldn’t pin down what it was, that looked out of place. Maybe the fact that she’s a character from a children’s show come to life would have something to do with that, hmm? I had to admit, I did have a point.
Pinkie began to stir. “Owww, why’d you have to scare me like that?” She said with a moan, shaking the pieces of my house out of her mane. I felt more guilt, and once again reminded myself I was looking at a projected image that my deranged brain had thought up.
“Okay, Pinkie Pie,” I said to her, “You are a figment of my imagination. I’m going to count to ten, and you’re going to be gone. One… Two…” I got up to four when I felt two hooves pressing against my chest and I opened my eyes. Once again, I was lost in those huge blue eyes.
“Is this a game? I love games! How do we play?”
Doesn’t she even care about how strange this is? No, of course she doesn’t, she’s Pinkie Pie. Stuff like this probably happens on a daily basis for her.
I took her hooves off of my chest, letting them fall back onto my bed. What took me by surprise was how strange her hooves felt. When I squeezed, it actually felt like I was grabbing two huge marshmallows. Unable to help myself, I poked Pinkie’s torso, confirming that she did indeed feel like one giant marshmallow and simultaneously getting revenge for her poke fest a few minutes earlier.
“Ha ha, hey that tickles!” I was less concerned about how ticklish she was and more concerned about how I had just physically touched a cartoon character that felt like a marshmallow.
“Hey, you never told me what you are. Are you some sort of monkey?”
I don’t care. I’ll humor myself and act like she’s really there.
”Sort of… I’m a human.”
“Ohh, so you’re what Lyra’s always talking about! I can see why she’s so obsessed with you. How can you walk around without a tail?”
“Humans are bipedal. That’s just how we walk.” She didn’t look convinced, and was about to speak up when I interrupted her. “Look, that doesn’t matter! What does matter is that you aren’t real, I’m insane, and I need a drink.” I started towards the kitchen, hoping I still had something that would knock me out when Pinkie jumped up on me, hanging on to me by my shoulders.
“Don’t leave me! I want to get to know you!”
“And why would you want to do that?”
“Cause you’re my new friend, silly! What kind of friends don’t know about each other?”
This is absolutely maddening! She already knows about me because I’m the one projecting her into reality! I have to be… right?
“Hey, stop with that inner monologue. You’re confusing the readers by switching between past and present tense.”
Wait, what!?!
“Like that! You can just talk to me normally, Jay.” I glanced back at her, giving a look of incredulity. “What?”
“Look, Pinkie, this might make sense to you, but I have no idea what’s happening.” I had reached the kitchen, Pinkie still clinging to me. I brushed her off and looked into the refrigerator, hoping that something might help me make sense of this, or at the very least knock me out until this horrible pink hallucination went away.
“I don’t know what’s going on either!” I pulled my head out of the fridge so fast I smacked my head on it, seeing stars for a split second.
“Dammit!” I uttered.
“Huh? What’d you say?” I couldn’t tell if she hadn’t heard me or if she hadn’t heard the word before.
“Uh, nothing. Don’t worry about it. Now what do you mean you don’t know what’s going on? If anyone knew something about all this, it would be you!”
She gave me a small shrug, which I have to admit was pretty adorable. “Last I remember, I was just curling up in bed, then poof! I was in your house.”
I didn’t buy it. “Poof? That’s the best you can do? If you’re going to lie, at least try to go big with it.” I immediately regretted saying that, as Pinkie looked hurt by the comment. “I’m sorry,” I said with a heavy sigh, “It’s just that this is a lot to take in. I just need a little time to pull myself together.” That might work. If I relax, she might just go away, and then I can go get myself a nice padded room.
“Jay?”
“Hmm?”
“Inner monologue.”
NICE PADDED ROOM.
***********************************************************
We sat on the couch, me with a beer in hand and Pinkie starring longingly at it. She had already asked me for a drink a hundred times, and each time I turned her down. She just couldn’t take the hint.
“Just a sip? Just a little itty bitty teeny tiny sip?”
“No, Pinkie. This stuff’s too hard for you. I’d be willing to bet just half of this would hit you like a ton of bricks.”
“Ah, come oooonn! I can take it! I bet it’s not as good as Applejack’s cider, but I’m thirsty!”
God, she wasn’t going to give this up easily, was she? “Fine, fine. If I get you a glass of water, will that calm you down?” She nodded exuberantly. “Alright, then.” I slide off the couch, leaving her to watch whatever she was watching, I wasn’t really paying attention. I was still trying to figure this whole thing out as I got out a mug and filled it with ice cubes. I had just finished filling it with water when a crash came from the living room, and I hurried back to Pinkie. She had collapsed on the floor, my now empty beer bottle next to her. God damnit, I forgot to bring the beer with me.
“Pinkie, are you okay?” I kneeled over her, checking to make sure she hadn’t been seriously hurt. Even though she wasn’t really there, she was starting to grow on me, crazy as that sounds. I could hear her breathing, so that was good. “Hey, Pinkie, can you hear me? Can you stand?” She was completely cold cocked, so I did the only rational thing that could be done. I went back to the sink, grabbed the mug, walked back to Pinkie, and dumped it over her. She woke up sputtering, her mane now straight from the water. “Pinkie,” I said, snapping my fingers, “Are you okay?” She tried to stand up, but she was as successful as I had been in keeping the beer away from her.
“Heeeeyyy, Jaaayyyy, I told you I could take thiphhh. Do you have any *hic* more of that stupphh?” She was in no condition to do anything but sleep, much less have any more beer.
“Come on, Pinkie,” I said, hauling her up in my arms, getting an armful of that weird marshmallow feeling, “You gotta get to bed. It’s the only way you’re going to get better. Trust me, I have experience with this kind of thing.” I carried her over to my bed, her semi limp figure fidgeting in my arms.
“I don’t need to sleep, I juss need *hic* some more of that cider…” She suddenly shook her mane, sending water flying everywhere, and as it just so happened ‘everywhere’ translated to my face. In hindsight, I did kinda deserve that for dumping the water on her in the first place. Her mane poofed back into its usual shape, and Pinkie gave me a smug smile just as she lost consciousness. Sighing, I got her into my bed and covered her up with the covers.
Looking at the passed out pony, I got a strange feeling in my stomach, a feeling I hadn’t gotten since I was with someone special to me a long time ago. Looking at her sleeping peacefully, it almost made me think that I was her caretaker, like I was her big brother or even her father. Since it had been so long since I felt like this, I wasn’t exactly sure what I should do when I remembered something that my mother did when I was still little. Every night when she tucked me into bed, she would kiss me goodnight and whisper in my ear, ‘Goodnight, sweet prince.’ What the hell, I thought, I’ve already jumped off the deep end and smacked my head on the concrete.
I leaned over and gave her a light kiss on her forehead, whispering, ‘Sweet dreams, you prancing pink princess.’ Unless my eyes were deceiving me (well, more than they already were) a small, contented smile seemed to spread across her face. I slowly backed out of the room, flicking out the lights and closing the door as quietly as I could. Walking into the living room, I picked up the discarded bottle and the mug, bringing them back to the kitchen and setting them on the counter. I strolled back into the living room and took a seat on the couch, switching the TV from a special on how cupcakes were mass produced (huh, so that’s what she was watching) and switched it to a sports game. It was only then that I noticed how wet my eyes were. Crying? Why am I crying? It’s not because of Pinkie, is it? No, can’t be. She’s not real, she couldn’t move me to tears. I wiped my eyes and went back to the game.
***********************************************************
I had about forty minutes of peace and quiet until my bedroom door burst open and out floated Pinkie. By floated, I don’t mean she stumbled out of the room, she literally floated out, walking on thin air. I had just started to come to terms with my insanity, too.
“Heyy, Jay!” She seemed to have sobered up some, though she still spoke with a small slur. It just goes to show how crazy I had become when I was more worried about how a cartoon pony was slurring her speech than how she was levitating by me. “Do yooouu have any food? I’m famisshed!” She floated into the kitchen, leaving me on the couch to question whether or not the laws of physics were actually just a few simple suggestions. Given the fact that it was a pink pony that only existed in a cartoon that made me ask the question in the first place, I went with the latter. I got up from the couch and followed her, making sure she didn’t get into any trouble.
“Pinkie, what do you need? You should be sleeping right now.”
Pinkie, still floating, turned her head to look at me. “I need to go to the little pony’s room! I have to peeeeee!”
Oh.
I could feel my face turn red. “Oh, okay… do you… do you know how to use… the… toilet?” Smooth.
“Hmmph! Of course I do.” And with that, she entered the bathroom and slammed the door.
Real nice, buddy. Of course she knows how to use it! Remember that outhouse in The Last Roundup? Yeah, you remembered, and you still asked anyways. Dumbass.
After I had finished lecturing myself, I went back to the living room and plopped down on the couch, trying to forget the last few minutes. Everything seemed to be back to normal until I heard a loud laugh coming from the occupied bathroom. “WHHEEEE!”
Fearing the worst, I jumped up and ran to the bathroom door, knocking loudly. “Pinkie! Are you okay?” Silence. “Pinkie, if you don’t respond, I’ll have to come in!” Crickets. “Dammit,” I muttered, turning the door knob. The door creaked open, and, expecting the worst, I got the exact opposite. Everything was where it should have been. Everything, except a pink pony. She was gone! I scanned the room in disbelief, frantically searching for anywhere she could have gone. There weren’t any windows in here, so she couldn’t have gone anywhere without me knowing! I was still searching when I heard a faint sound coming from the sink. I walked over, moving my ear closer to faucet. The sound grew louder, but I still couldn’t make out what it was. The clock ticked. My heart beat. The seconds seemed like hours as the sound grew louder, and closer, and louder, and closer, until I was finally able to make out a small shriek of joy, seemingly coming from the… plumbing?
No god damned way.
I stumbled back from the sink, as the small cry began to get louder and clearer. Another shout, and there was no doubt. That was Pinkie’s voice. A few more seconds, and out popped Pinkie’s head from the faucet, contorting to look at me. “That was fun! Let’s go again!” She gave a beaming smile.
Insane? No. Crazy? Nuh uh. Completely balls-to-the-walls jacked psychopath? Not even close. There was not a word or phrase in human understanding that could describe my mind at that point. I could only watch in dumbstruck silence as the rest of her body poured out from the sink, somehow landing onto the floor. “Jayyyy, are you okayyyy?” What else could I do besides nod? She gave a quick smile and walked back over to the toilet, stepping into it with her hind legs. With a quick flick, she flushed, and I could only stare as she began spinning, slowly lowering into the toilet. Spinning and lowering, until she disappeared from view completely. I could hear a small cheer growing fainter and fainter, until it was gone. I slowly stood, my knees shaking, as I tried to move my legs. ‘Nope,’ they seemed to say. I fell back against the counter facing the bathtub, shaking my head and doubting everything I had ever known.
NICE PADDED ROOM! NICE PADDED ROOM! NICE PADDED ROOM!
The shower started by itself. Sure, why not!? Not like that’s the strangest thing I’ve seen today!! Looking closer, I noticed that the water droplets were pink. Not believing my eyes, I walked over on my knees and peered into the tub. The droplets were falling into four ovals, the back two slightly larger than the front two. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Alas, there was no kidding, not even any of the fucking variety. Over the course of a minute, Pinkie took form, starting with her legs and then forming her body, eventually ending with her head. Her face had a huge grin on it.
“That was super duper fun! Why didn’t you tell me you had a waterslide?” I couldn’t formulate a response to the question. I could only make a small gasping noise as Pinkie started poking me. “Hey, are you okay?” The initial shock had started to wear off, and I could finally think about something more than the complete destruction of reality I had just been a witness to.
“Pinkie… are you done in here?” She gave a yawn, which was good enough for me. “Okay, then, it’s time for a certain pony to get back to bed.” I shakily got up, guiding Pinkie back to the bedroom. Well, guiding isn’t really the best word. I was more using her as a support so I wouldn’t topple over. She crawled into bed as I pulled the covers over her. “Sleep tight, Pinkie.” I repeated the process from an hour ago, though with much less subtlety. I slowly walked back to the couch and took a seat. I looked out my windows and guessed it was around noon, but I was so tired from the day’s events that I didn’t even notice my eyes closing until it was too late.
***********************************************************
I awoke with a start. Well, better than a poke. I looked around the room. The TV was still on, now showing a sports highlight show. I quickly glanced outside, and saw that it was about the middle of the afternoon. I looked over to my bedroom door and saw that it was open. I got off the couch and walked towards the kitchen. As I walked in, I saw Pinkie on her hind legs looking at my smoking oven. All around her were signs that she had raided my kitchen. An empty milk jug, a carton of eggs with the eggs replaced by egg shells, and a ripped open flour bag, its contents decorating Pinkie’s coat and mane.
“Pinkie! What are you doing?” She jumped, surprised at the sound of my voice, though not high enough to put another hole in the house.
“Hiya, Jay! I’m just making up a batch of my super delicious, extra best friends cupcakes!” Judging by the smoke coming from the oven, I suspected that these cupcakes had been cooked with a little too much love.
“Uh, Pinkie? You do know that oven’s aren’t supposed to smoke like that, right?” She seemed unconcerned by it.
“That just means they’re really good! You need to stop being such a worry wart!” I started to suspect that Pinkie hadn’t quite gotten the alcohol out of her system, despite how her speech had recovered. A small ding went off. “Oh, that means they’re ready!” She reached for the door of the oven, nearly falling over when I snatched her hoof away from it and got her back down on all fours. Yep, she was definitely still inebriated. Pony metabolism was a very strange thing.
“Why don’t you let me get those? You might drop them or burn yourself. These oven mitts were made for humans, after all.” I retrieved the mitts hanging from the wall and opened the oven door, only to be met by a wall of smoke. Coughing and clearing the air with my hand, I got a look at the cupcakes. To say they had been burnt would have been an understatement. They were completely charred, black little blotches of pure evil. Of course, I couldn’t say that to Pinkie, she’d be crushed. I took them out and put them on the counter, trying my damndest not to smell them. “They look really good, Pinkie…” I said, doing my best to say it as a compliment. “Any toppings you want to put on them?”
She thought for a moment, and then inspiration struck. “How about some hot sauce?”
“Hot sauce? On cupcakes? Who puts hot sauce on cupcakes?”
“I do!”
“Okay, then. Have it your way.” I opened up the cupboards, looking for and finding the only bottle I had left. “There you go. Have as much as you want.” I watched as she drenched all of the cupcakes in the hot sauce.
“Mmm, mmm! Just how I like ‘em!” She grabbed a few and downed them as I stared at her in disbelief. A few moments passed, and she gave a smile. “Mmmm! Delicious! Hey, don’t you want one?”
I looked at her, then to the scorched cupcakes, then back to Pinkie. “Eh, no thanks. I’m not really hungry.” She didn’t my response very well, as her eyes started to water up. “Okay, okay. If I take one bite of it, will that make you happy?” She nodded, eyes dry. I reached over and took out one of the little black balls from hell, looking for any sign that it might attack me. There was no way I was going to be ready for this, so I took a bite without thinking, to at least get it over with quickly. It was terrible. It was horrific. It was the worst cupcake I’d ever eaten, one of the worst things I’d ever eaten. And it was worth it to see the smile that lit up Pinkie’s face as I chewed and swallowed it. “WATER! I NEED WATER!!!” I ran over and turned the sink on, plunging my head beneath the faucet and gulping down as much of it as I could. After I had quenched the fire in my mouth, I saw Pinkie laughing and rolling on the floor. “And what’s so funny, if you don’t mind me asking?” She laughed more, gasping for breath, and was finally able to talk.
“Your face was so funny! I thought you’d like the hot sauce!” She rolled on the floor, lost in another laughing fit. Watching her on the floor, I once again got that strange feeling, like we were siblings having fun experimenting with food. Something clicked inside me, and for the first time in a long, long time, I started to laugh. Not a condescending laugh that I usually did whenever I was conversing with someone and trying not to seem like a robot, not a laugh that only a lunatic could pull off, but a real, genuine laugh. This was funny! I hadn’t seen something this funny for years, and I was making up for the lost time by laughing my ass off. The laugh must have been contagious, because as Pinkie was watching me, she broke out laughing again.
So there I was, rolling on the floor laughing, a pink cartoon pony laughing and rolling along with me. This must have gone on for some time, and as we finally got control of ourselves, I had an epiphany.
If a hallucination can make me laugh like this, then is being insane really such a bad thing?
***********************************************************
“Jay, let’s go watch the sunset.” I glanced at her, looking away from the TV.
“Why do you want to do that?”
“I just thought it would be nice! Besides, don’t you want to get out of this cramped house?”
“I prefer the term cozy, and I’m perfectly fine here.”
She crossed her arms while giving me a look of disappointment. “That’s no fun. Don’t you want to go out and see all the pretty trees and animals?”
“Well, it’s not usually something that I do, but if you want to do it, I guess we could go find a hill to sit on and watch from.” She gave a yip of joy, bouncing on the couch. “Calm down. You can bounce around all you want when we’re outside.”
“So you know where we’re going?”
“I’ve got a place in mind. Now we just gotta find a way to get you into my car.”
“What’s a car?”
“It’s like a train, but smaller.”
“Oh, okie dokie lokie!” She seemed satisfied, so I turned my focus on just how I was going to smuggle her out of the building. I was living on the second floor, so there wasn’t too much of a chance of running into one of my neighbors or some other resident. I looked around, trying to think of something I could use, when Pinkie spoke up. “How about I just hide in your shirt?”
I stopped, looking at her. “I don’t think so. There has to be a way to get you out there without raising suspicion. ”
“Okay, how about I just blend into the walls?” I looked at her again, or I would have if I could see her.
“Pinkie? Where’d you go?”
“Right in front of you silly,” Came a reply from thin air, causing me to jump. I searched for the voice, but I couldn’t find it until I saw a disturbance in the air and Pinkie reappeared, grinning.
“I would question how you did that, but I’ve learned not to. I’d like to keep at least a shred of my sanity. But I think that’ll work. Now, I want you to follow me closely, and if we come across anyone else, don’t do anything rash. Just get up against the wall and wait for me to signal the all clear.”
“How will I know it’s okay to move?”
“Uhh… you ever play Marco Polo?”
“Yeah! That’s one of my favorite games!”
“Good. Just wait for me to say ‘Marco,’ and you can start following me again.”
She gave a small salute and blended back into the air.
I walked over to my door, being sure to grab my car keys. Last thing I needed was to leave her at my car while I came back to get them. “Marco.”
“Polo!”
“Alright, let’s go. But try not to answer my call anymore.” I pushed the door open a smidge, making sure the coast was clear. Seeing that it was, I walked out, holding the door open for a few seconds before closing it. We headed for the stairs, heading down to the parking garage. Everything was going fine as we made good progress, reaching the garage until we were caught.
“Jay! I need to talk to you.” I flinched, turning back to see my landlord walking towards me. “You’re late on the rent.” I really didn’t need this bullshit right now!
“Oh, am I? Crap, musta fallen behind a little. Sorry.” Please piss off, or walk away, just be somewhere other than here!
“This is the first time it’s happened, so I’ll let it slide. Just get me the money and make sure it doesn’t happen again, okay?”
“Right, sir. No more late checks.” He turned back, heading for what I presumed was his office. I let a few seconds pass as the door to the apartment complex shut, and then called out to Pinkie. “Marco.”
“Polo!”
I didn’t reprimand her. We were too close to our goal to allow any more distractions. We continued walking until we reached my car. I opened the door, waiting a couple of seconds like I had done with my apartment door, then climbed in. “Pinkie, are you in here?” I knew the answer before she said anything, as she did her weird air bending trick and appeared in the backseat.
“Yep!”
“I told you not to answer back, Pinkie. Who knows if someone was listening. Now buckle up.” She looked at the belt with confusion, which was understandable, considering she had never been in a car before. “Oh, right. Sorry.” I reached back and showed her how to do it, not entirely sure how she was grabbing them with her hooves. With her all buckled in, I turned back around and started the car.
“Jay? I’m sorry about answering you. It’s just that I love games so much, I couldn’t help myself.”
“Hey, don’t worry about it. We all make mistakes, right? Besides, the world could use more people with your sense of fun.”
I got the car going, pulling out of the garage and started driving towards our destination.
“So where are we going, anyways?”
“Someplace special. I’m sure you’ll like it, especially if you’ve never seen a city at night.” I looked in the mirror, and saw her staring up at the buildings. “Never seen buildings this tall, huh?”
“Nope! I’ve heard that the buildings in Manehatten were big, but these are super ginormous! I bet a thousand ponies could live in one of them!” I was worried that the buildings might have been a little overwhelming for her, but she seemed to be taking them in stride.
I let her gape at buildings for a while, and then asked her something that had been bugging me since this morning. “Pinkie, do you remember this morning? When I asked you about how you got here?”
She peeled her eyes away from the windows and answered me. “Yep! I told you I was sleeping, then poof! I was in your house.”
“Right, well, about that. I’m just wondering, what do you think could have caused it?”
“I have no idea!”
Damn. It must be insanity, then.
We continued on in silence, her taking in the surroundings and I grappling with how I was going to live with a pink figment of my imagination. Well, at least she’s fun to be around.
After half an hour of driving, we finally got to my special spot, and judging by the position of the sun, just in time to watch it set. We were in a small clearing, sitting on top of a small hill in the middle of it, high above the road we had come up on. We were facing the city, the setting sun set against the skyscrapers in the distance. “What do you think, Pinkie? Like the view?”
She was gaping at them, finally able to see the whole city at once. “Like it? This is superbly duperly fantastical!” She flew at me, tackling me to the ground in a tight hug. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you for bringing me out here!”
Jesus, she had a tight grip for an imaginary being!
I was able to break free of her clutches, panting for breath. “No… no problem, Pinkie. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy too.” I sat up and pulled my knees close to my face, crossing my arms over them. That apparently must have been some kind of code for Pinkie, as she proceeded to climb up onto my shoulders as we both gazed at the spectacle before us. Pinkie ‘ooohhed’ and ‘aaaawwwed’ as she took in the sight. We looked on in silence for a few minutes until Pinkie broke the air.
“How did you find this place?”
I knew that she would ask that sooner or later, but it was going to be tough to answer even though I knew it was coming. “I used to come up here when I was a kid… I even had a friend that would come up with me.”
“Really? Then why don’t you come up here with your friend more often?”
“She’s gone, Pinkie. She’s been gone for a long time, now.”
“Oh, did she move?”
“No. She died in a car accident when we were about, I don’t know, fourteen or fifteen.”
I heard a small gasp, and Pinkie apologized. “I’m so sorry… I didn’t know she had… died.”
“Don’t worry, there’s no way you could have known.” We went back to watching the city for a few minutes until I spoke up. “You know, it’s funny. In a way, you remind me of her.”
“Really? How?”
“She was always smiling, always trying to play games even when there were other things to do. She always tried to entice a smile out of her friends, especially me. Probably because, in her words, ‘I could never smile on my own.’ She wasn’t pink, not on the outside, but I can’t think of a better color that went with her personality. If there was ever a human version of you, Pinkie, I’m sure that she was it.” I was choking back tears at this point. “I loved her. She was one of the few people that could make me truly happy. After she was gone, I just stopped caring. I drifted away from other people, became cold to the world. If she could see me today, she’d be so disappointed in me.” Unable to stop them, tears were running down my cheeks, but I didn’t care. “I still don’t know what to believe about you, Pinkie. Are you just an illusion that I think I’m seeing, or is there some impossible way that you’re actually here, talking to me right now?”
I felt her climb down from my back, and looked at her. I could see those huge eyes, glistening with wetness. “Of course I’m real. If I wasn’t, how could I do this?” And with that, she gave me a poke. It felt just like the poke that had woken me up this morning, but there was something different about it. This wasn’t just a poke. It was a reminder, of how happy I had been when I was with her. It was a warning about what my life was turning into, that I needed to do something about it if I ever wanted to be that happy again. It was a real hoof that had just poked me, not an illusion. This was the real Pinkie Pie. I couldn’t begin to understand how, but the compilation of pixels that I had seen on my television so many times before had been transported into my world, and was standing right here in front of me. As I finally accepted what I couldn’t comprehend, everything about Pinkie seemed to make more sense. She was Pinkie Pie. Breaking reality was what she did best, so who was I to try to question it?
I looked at her and smiled, pulling her into a hug. “Thank you, Pinkie. You’ve proven that you’re real enough.” She returned the hug, and I lost track of how long we held that embrace. Once we were finally able to break away, we watched as the last of the sun’s rays disappeared behind the city, thousands of windows now lit up. “I don’t know how you got here, Pinkie, but I think I’ve finally learned not to question things like that. Besides, I’d rather focus on more important things, like having fun.”
She gave a small laugh. “You sound like Twilight.”
“Heh. Yeah, I guess I do.”
“If you don’t mind, can I ask what her name was?”
“Andrea.”
“That’s a beautiful name.” She sat down and scooted closer to me.
We sat on the hill, arms around each other as we looked on at the gleaming city in the distance. I felt a soft wind, and felt Pinkie shiver. I pulled her closer as the wind began to pick up, wishing I had brought a coat for her. It took me a few seconds to notice that something was wrong. The wind was still gaining speed, picking up pebbles and gravel. We stood up, watching as the debris seemed to be swirling around a concentrated point on the ground below us. There seemed to be a light coming from the point, slowly expanding outwards. “Pinkie, is this another one of your tricks!?” I had to yell for her to hear over the whipping of the wind.
“No! I have no idea what’s happening!” The light was getting brighter and larger, and we started to back away from it when the light started to take shape. The debris was still swirling, around and around the vague shape, when the light changed colors. It went from a piercing white to a light blue, going down the spectrum until it was a much darker blue. A few seconds later, a blue police box appeared in the middle of the debris which had fallen to the ground. The door opened, and out stepped a pony with a dark brown mane and a lighter brown coat. An hourglass adorned his flank.
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
Pinkie was as stunned as I was. “Doctor Whooves!?! What are you doing here!?” The Doctor turned to us and started up the hill.
“Pinkie Pie! Thank goodness you’re safe. I’ve been looking for you non-stop since that time singularity opened up.” Time singularity? What? He must have seen the look on my face, as he went into a long winded explanation. “A time singularity. Nasty little things that pop up once in a while, cause chaos by sending objects from one dimension to another, stuff like that. Usually I’m on top of them, but I was distracted by Twilight’s little message to herself last week, and one of them slipped by. It just so happened that Pinkie was caught in it, and it transported her here.”
I noticed that he wasn’t very interested in the fact that he was speaking with a human. “You don’t seem very surprised to see a hairless bipedal monkey talking to you.”
“Ah, yes, you humans do have a way with self-deprecation. No, I’m not surprised to see you. I wouldn’t be a very good chronomancer if I wasn’t aware of other dimensions, now would I? Though how you managed to construct a perfect replication of our universe in the form of a TV show is something I’m still investigating.”
“If it took you the better part of a day to find her, you don’t seem like the best, either.”
“Hey, I had a near infinite amount of alternate realities to scan through! The only reason I found her so fast was because she’s such a chaotic individual. Now, to the matter at hand. Pinkie, you’ve got to come with me. Having any object exist in a dimension it’s not supposed to is dangerous enough, and I can’t imagine the implications of keeping you here any longer than need be.”
Pinkie looked at Whooves, then to me, then back to Whooves. “But what about Jay? I don’t want to leave him. Can’t he come with us?”
Whooves put his hoof to his face in what I guessed was a pony equivalent to a face palm. “No, Pinkie, he can’t come with us. You two are part of different universes. It’s not safe for you to be with each other. Besides, you won’t remember each other when your minds are wiped, anyways.”
Pinkie took a step back, her pupils constricting. “What!? Mind wipe!? But… but you can’t! We’re friends! We can’t forget each other! Not after all the fun we had!”
Whooves shook his head. “I’m sorry, but it has to be like this. Only chronomancers can be trusted with this knowledge. Who knows what could happen if some maniac learned about the fragility of reality?”
I had to intervene. There was no way I was losing Pinkie Pie, not like this! “But look at me! I’ve known about her all day, and I’ve done nothing to endanger anyone! You say that I can’t know anything about you, but you said yourself that we’ve constructed a perfect reality of your universe! The show’s been running for a year and a half, and no one’s tried to destroy anything!”
He pondered what I had said for a few seconds before he answered. “You humans are a special case. As far as I know, you’re the only species who have uncovered another dimension, even if you believe it to be fiction. This is something I’ve never encountered before, and I do need to do some testing on it… Bah, what am I thinking? The consequences are too damned dangerous if this goes feet up. I’m sorry, but mind wiping’s the only answer.”
I thought I had him, but he was just too resilient. I was crushed, and couldn’t think of anything else to say. Lucky I didn’t have to, as I saw for the first time Pinkie get angry. “Now hold on just a minute, mister! Who are you to just decide what’s best for us without asking us!? HUH!?!” Jeez, she sure was scary when she was mad.
Whooves must’ve thought the same thing, as he was taking several steps back, trying to escape Pinkie’s glare. His voice was shaking as he spoke. “Now, Pinkie… just think for a second… sure, you may not understand, but this is for the best…”
She wasn’t convinced, and continued the attack. “And just how do you figure that? You don’t know what will happen, either! There’s something you should know. Jay and I didn’t understand each other when we first met, but that didn’t stop us from being friends! We’ve learned to accept each other even though there are things we don’t quite understand about each other. And do you see anything wrong? Are there any cupcakes falling from the sky, or giant mice running loose? Hmm?”
Pinkie’s colorful imagery aside, she seemed to be convincing Whooves. It probably helped that she was giving him a look that I was sure could frighten the Devil. “Alright, alright! Just step back, if you would.” She gave him some room, but was still glaring at him. “If you’re going to be so persistent about it, then we can work out a deal. I need to study this phenomenon, and having a human who knows the whole picture could possibly help. You’ve also shown that you’re both fiercely protective of each other, so how about this. I let you both keep your memories, and I get to observe the effects.”
It seemed too good to be true, so I pressed him a little. “What’s the catch?”
“As I said, there’s no telling what kind of danger your knowledge could present. So if there’s any sign of trouble, I cut the experiment and wipe you both. I’m being extremely generous here, so I suggest you take my offer.”
I motioned for Pinkie to follow me. “We’re gonna have to discuss this.” We walked to the opposite side of the hill, Whooves warning us to not take too long. “What do you think, Pinkie? It’s a good deal, considering the alternative.”
“Good deal!? But we’ll never see each other again! I want to stay friends with you!” She was on the verge of tears.
“Pinkie. We can stay friends. We will stay friends. But you don’t belong here. Your place is back in Ponyville, with all of your other friends. I couldn’t ask you to stay here when you have so many more friends waiting for you back home.” She was openly crying now, and I pulled her into a hug. “Don’t cry, Pinkie. You’ve helped me more than you can imagine, and I’ll always remember you. In a way, you’ve re-taught me the magic of friendship.” She looked up at me with a pouting mouth and sad eyes that were tearing my soul into pieces, but I had to hold strong. For her. “You won’t ever forget me, will you, Pinkie?”
“Of course not! You’ll remember me, right?”
“I couldn’t forget you for all the cupcakes in the world.”
She crossed her heart with a hoof twice and covered her eye. “Pinkie promise?”
I repeated her motions. “Pinkie promise. Now let’s get back to the Doctor before he changes his mind.” She gave me another hug, then followed me as we trudged back to Doctor Whooves.
“Got all that out of your systems? Good, because we really need to go. And remember, you’re the only one who can know about us. If you tell anyone, or try to take advantage of your knowledge, I will wipe your minds.”
“Don’t worry, no one will know about you guys. I won’t do anything to jeopardize our dimensions.” He seemed satisfied, and walked towards the police box, Pinkie reluctantly following. I also followed, stopping a few feet from the box. The two ponies stepped inside and turned around. Doctor Whooves busied himself with a series of controls while Pinkie looked at me, tears on her cheeks.
“Goodbye, Jay.”
“Goodbye, Pinkie Pie.”
The door closed and I stepped back. The box was consumed with the same light that had announced its arrival, and the wind started up again, pebbles flying around the box. The light grew brighter and brighter, the wind became more forceful, until the light reached a crescendo and burst outwards. I covered my eyes, and when I put my arm down, the box was gone, leaving only a strange pattern of debris of the ground.
That’s it, then. She’s gone.
Pinkie Pie was really gone. I made my way back up the hill, sitting and staring at the city, the night sky lit up by the thousands of windows. The sinking feeling my gut only expanded as the realization finally struck me that I would never see that pink pony in the flesh again. The tears that I had been holding back finally burst out, and I cried for who knows how long as I sat there alone on that small hill where I had mourned Andrea all those years ago, mourning the loss of yet another friend that I had only known for a day.
***********************************************************
It’s been a month since that fateful day. It had been rough few days following that night. I had cried like I never did before, trying to get over the empty feeling in my stomach that I didn’t know I had until Pinkie had filled it. I was eventually able to pull myself out of the gutter, and I could finally put what Pinkie had taught me to use. I became much more outgoing and friendly, and found that I could actually make friends easily. I guess some of Pinkie’s charm had rubbed off on me. Hell, I had even found a girlfriend, Shannon. What was amazing was that she had a nearly identical personality to both Andrea and Pinkie Pie. She also couldn’t get enough of the show, which I had no problem with. It goes without saying that my favorite ones were where Pinkie stole the spotlight.
It was a little awkward, watching the show with what I knew, but I just imagined that I was relieving memories of a happy day with friends. I imagined that Pinkie was out there, somewhere, having fun with the rest of the ponies. I hoped that she could focus on having fun and not on the past, that she could look back on our day together and remember a fun day, not a sad one. I knew that if I let myself become lost thinking about her, then I would relapse back into my old self. I knew that she could do it, but I couldn’t help but worry.
I no longer questioned the events of that day. When I had finally composed myself and drove home, I was still unsure of the legitimacy of everything, at least I was until I found the mementos that Pinkie had left behind. The empty beer bottle and mug on the counter, the cupcake tray that still had black embers in the molds, and the hole in my bedroom. I realized that these couldn’t have been the result of my imagination, but the results of a day with Pinkie Pie. And even if these physical objects weren’t still here, the emotions of that day were as real as anything I had been through before. I still didn’t understand how everything happened, but I knew that they did happen.
On the day I met Shannon, we had gone to the store, and I bought my first and last piece of pony merchandise. A small figure of a pink pony now stood on my desk, flanked by a beer bottle and a muffin tray. Shannon had asked me about the hole in the ceiling, and I had just told her that it was here when I moved in and had been too lazy to fix it. When asked about the tray and bottle, I merely told her they had sentimental value, and she dropped the subject. Now anytime I felt depressed, I could look at Pinkie and smile, ready for the day ahead.
At the beginning of that day, I asked myself why Pinkie, out of all the people that she could have landed with, landed with me. It wasn’t until the end that I realized the question didn’t matter. What did matter was how lucky I was to have spent a day with her. I didn’t deserve to, but it still happened. She had dragged me out of the darkness and into the sunshine, teaching me that reality was what you made of it and that a smile could go a long way.
For that, I’ll be eternally grateful to her. Because of her, I could live a happy life again.
Because of her, I baked a batch of cupcakes every week.
Reality Check
Written by ObeySaturnGod
