The Bank Job

by Eliot Kane

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1389

Pinkie Pie robs the Ponyville Bank. The Guard would like her to cut it out.

Pinkie Pie robs the Ponyville Bank. The Guard would like her to cut it out.

Published 2014-02-26 23:40:10 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-26 23:40:10 UTC

The Bank Job

"Let's talk about this, Pinkie!" Fluttershy said into her megaphone. "We can work this out. If you want, that is…"

She was behind a barricade facing the front doors of the Ponyville Bank. There were several Royal Guards around her, all armed to the teeth. The situation wasn't promising.

A small crowd of ponies was lingering nearby, watching events unfold with keen interest. One of them turned to Fluttershy.

"What's going on?"

"Pinkie Pie is robbing the bank," Fluttershy sighed.

The other mare raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Why?" The florist standing next to her snorted. "It's Pinkie Pie. It can be anything from making a statement to it being Tuesday."

"It's Monday."

"Not the point!" She rolled her eyes. "Anything faint-worthy happened yet?"

"I don't think so," Fluttershy said. "Maybe I should—"

Suddenly, the bank's doors burst open. Out walked Pinkie Pie. She had Rarity in a choke hold, a huge bag of bits strapped to her back and a demented look in her eyes. From her frazzled mane to her form fitting black and white striped turtleneck and black pants, all she radiated was trouble. She also had an icing gun to Rarity's temple.

"Nopony move! I have a hostage!" Pinkie Pie shouted. "Drop your weapons, or I'll cover her in frosting!"

"Do what she says! Do what she says!" Rarity screamed, flailing her forelegs.

On the roof of the building next to the bank a guard whispered to his superior: "I have a clear shot."

"Take it!" the superior whispered back.

"Alright. Here is how we're gonna play it," Pinkie said, while her eyes scanned the crowd. "I want a clear path to my getaway vehi—"

She was cut off by a watermelon landing on her head, instantly turning into an impromptu helmet and blindfold. Pinkie let go of Rarity with a muffled scream, and squeezed the icing gun's trigger, spraying frosting all around her.

"Not the mane! Not the mane!" Rarity wailed as Pinkie covered her in strawberry goodness. The unicorn looked herself over, then promptly passed out.

"Go! Go! Go!" a guard officer barked, and the soldiers rushed the baker-turned-bank-robber.

As they were about to surround her, however, they noticed a loud chewing noise coming from the melon. Suddenly, a small hole appeared on the front of the fruit.

"I can seeeeeee yooouuuuuu!" Pinkie exclaimed. She reached into her tail and pulled out an alligator. She threw it in front of the guards and called out to it. "Gummy, perform diversion!"

The advancing line of guards ground to a halt. They all looked into the unblinking purple stare directed at them. A few moments passed like this.

"It isn't doing anything," one of the guards said to the others. "I don't see how this is a diversion."

"I do," a voice behind him giggled, and a baseball bat came down on his helmet hard. In turn, the guard also went down, limp and unconscious.

The guards spun around as one to face Pinkie Pie, who managed to not only sneak around them, but acquire an arm long beating stick.

"Come on, guys!" Pinkie teased, doing small circles in the air with the bat. "Let's play!"

The following few minutes were not big on dignity for the guards. The melon-headed earth pony turned out to be a quite capable batsmare. It didn't help that the guards kept tripping on the alligator, who decided to take his daily walking exercise in the middle of the tussle. Furthermore, it's owner seemed to know where the annoying reptile was at any given moment, despite the limitations the watermelon imposed on her field of vision.

And so Pinkie parried swords and beat aside spears, bonked heads and capped knees. Until she missed a step and a guard slammed into her bodily, sending her straight into a lamppost. The melon burst into pieces and Pinkie slid down to the base of the metal pole.

"Ugh!" She rubbed her aching head. "So that's what it feels like when Rainbow Dash goes to the library."

She massaged her forehead some more, until she noticed Gummy poking her side. She looked around to see the guards forming a circle around them.

"Nowhere to run now!" one of the guards said.

"I beg to differ," Pinkie chuckled as she grabbed Gummy and disappeared into a conveniently placed haystack.

"Seriously?" the guard smirked, earning some snickers from his comrades. "She must think we're stupid or something."

But, just as he raised his spear to oust the robber from her hiding place, the haystack exploded with the sound of a cannon going off, and Pinkie Pie sailed above their heads.

"So long, suckers!" she shouted as she disappeared into the clear, blue sky.

A few blocks north her path intersected the position of a hot air balloon anchored at a low altitude. She deftly grabbed onto the basket and hauled herself in.

"We did it, Gummy!" Pinkie cheered as she cut the rope binding them to the ground. She shrugged the heavy bag off her back and hugged the alligator close. "The perfect crime! We now have the bits to make the world's biggest muffin! And everypony will get a bite! Everypony in Equestria! Mwahahaha!"

"Ahem."

Pinkie turned around slowly. A very cross looking Rainbow Dash was hovering next to the balloon. In her arms she was cradling a baseball bat with the words "Return to Pinkie Pie" engraved on it. Pinkie's face contorted into an innocent looking grin.

"Hiya there, Rainbow Dash! Fancy meeting you here. How are things? Wow, you found my bat! I have been looking all over for that. Where did it run off to this— BONK!"

"Rubber chicken… can opener… alligator, toothless… plasma cutter… another toothless alligator… no, wait, it's the same one."

The two guards were searching Pinkie Pie's pockets, tail and mane for potentially dangerous items. They were the only two still in a condition that passed for "fit for duty". The rest was loaded on a wagon and shipped off to the nearest doctor.

Pinkie herself sported a bump on her forehead from meeting the painful end of her own bat, which resulted in a short-lived musing about how she might now classify as a unicorn. She became much more morose after the novelty of that died down and she realized that having your hooves cuffed behind your back is no fun at all.

"Two bags of flour… an eye patch…" the guard carried on as his partner, leaning against the impounded hot air balloon, added the items to the ever-growing list. "The alligator again… stay put, dammit! …Some chewing gum… a coloring book titled 'High Explosives for Foals'… crowbar… a trombone… the same. Damn. ALLIGATOR! …Grenade launcher, magazine contains… six muffins, chocolate chip flavor."

"I have a permit for that!" Pinkie cut in.

"A butterfly knife… Watch out, it's flying away! …a rhododendron… ALLIGATOR! Stay put, or I'll cuff you, too! …Okay, I think that's it."

"You can't hold me, you know," Pinkie noted.

"And what makes you think that?" The guards rolled their eyes.

"You know my hoofcuffs?"

"Mmm-hmm."

Pinkie dangled the cuffs in front of their noses. "I picked them."

"Sonuva—"

Pinkie's hooves shot out, cuffing the guards together after passing the cuffs' chain through a metal ring on the balloon's basket. Seizing the opportunity posed by the guards' shock, she quickly shoveled her stuff back into her mane and grabbed the bag of bits. As she turned to leave, she shot a last mischievous look at the dumbfounded soldiers over her shoulder.

"See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!"

With that, she snatched Gummy and tore down the street, madly cackling all the way.

Meanwhile, in Canterlot, Discord, the honestly reformed — and totally not faking it for fear of being encased in concrete mafia style — Spirit of Chaos was painting polka dots on a statue of Celestia, when he froze mid-stroke.

"Chaos sense… tingling."

With a snap of his fingers he summoned a telescope (formerly the property of Princess Luna), and turned it towards Ponyville. He peered into the spyglass just in time to see a pink mare hightail it out of town, leaving two Royal Guards cuffed to a hot air balloon.

"Fools," Discord chuckled as he turned back to his art. "You never stood a chance."