Lies, Alcohol, and Food Items

by Merchent343

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 3150

An unlucky baker burns Celetia's cake. Said cake happens to be the reason she is still mildly rational... This won't end well at all.

The Princess of the Sun has lived for thousands of years. Enough time to know that, without her daily baked goods, her sanity would be in question. The balance has gone on for as long as her lifetime, with each generation of Royal Chefs working hard to keep their Princess stable.

And then, one day, her cake is burnt, and Celestia is not amused. At first.

This won't end well.

This is my second attempt at comedy, and an attempt at breaking my Writers' Block. Let me know how badly I failed.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-17 08:40:04 UTC

Chapter... I don't even know

Perfect Mix was a simple stallion, and he would have loved to have kept it that way. Unfortunately, shortly after he had gotten his Cutie Mark in baking, he had been hired - drafted was the more accurate word - into the Royal Chefs. Every single day, he woke up and was immediately at work, making food for all the visitors and residents of the Canterlot Castle.

So it was no surprise when he had woken up this morning, forgone breakfast, and immediately went to work baking. He was next on The Schedule, after all.

The Schedule, as it was known to those of the kitchen staff, was a rotating list of the top Chefs and bakers in the kitchen. Every single morning, for an entire hour, five of them would slave away to produce a miracle of baking. It used wheat from the Cloudsdale farms, sugar imported from the Griffon Empire, and dozens of other highly-prized ingredients to creature a culinary masterpiece:

The cake.

It went by no other name. Every day, for the past millennium, a single cake was consumed by Her Royal Highness, The Princess of the Sun, Celestia. Rumors were always brewing about precisely why Her Royal Highness required the precisely made cake, but no answers had ever been given, save that it was 'For the continuation of Equestrian society'.

The stallion quickly assembled with the rest of the bakers, all of them working on bits and pieces of the cake. The size of it was large: At least six hoofs wide, and with three separate layers, one on top of the other. It was more than enough for a small party, let alone a single Princess. But his job was not to question the recipe, simply to make the cake.

After an hour of carefully balancing frosting thickness, batter composition, and spice mixtures, the cake was ready to be baked. Because of the magical nature of the oven, frosting could be applied beforehand, saving time and effort. However, Perfect Mix was impatient, having gone through the long and tiring process too many times. He simply rounded the time in the oven from sixty-nine minutes and twenty-eight seconds to seventy minutes. After all, how much harm could that do to the cake?

A little over an hour later, Perfect Mix took it out of the oven and put it on the serving tray specifically designed to ferry it. The cake looked perfect, a marvelous example of culinary skill. If the stallion had been given his way, he would have crowned it as the eighth wonder of the world. It was a masterpiece, and it was going to be eaten within an hour.

Oh well, at least he could go back to his regular work.

Her Royal Highness Princess Celestia, Diarch of the Kingdom of Equestria, Princess of the Sun, and fifty other titles even she hadn't bothered remembering, had lived for a long time.

And by long, she often noted, she meant longer than the lifespans of the entire Noble Court put together.

By her own choice, Princess Celestia was cautious and patient if nothing else. Every single day, she followed the same schedule: Waking up in the morning, raising the sun, eating her daily cake, and holding her court until the time came to lower the sun. It had gone on for a thousand years, with not a single interruption, because she knew she would be driven insane by her years if she allowed her impulses. It was the main reason for the cake: It was a solid rock in her life, and one of the few she could count on.

And it was thirty-two seconds early today.

But the Princess ignored the trivialities of time and simply smiled as it was gently lifted via magic from the serving cart to the table in her private chambers. The unicorn who had deliver it swiftly bowed and exited the room, serving cart in tow. Princess Celestia quickly shut the door with her magic, wanting to enjoy this delicacy all by herself.

She quickly took her first bite in a manner that would cause the nobles to lead a revolt, swallowing the chunk in one piece. Already, she could taste the smooth flav-

"Wait." She suddenly said, looking down at the cake. Gazing at it, she could find only one conclusion.

The guards outside of her room glanced at the door when they heard the muffled scream emanate from inside. As they were debating a course of action, it exploded outward into splinters, followed shortly by Princess Celestia. Her wings shot out to either side as she rushed past, knocking both of her faithful guards to the ground. She spared them not a glance as she ran through the hallways, intent on reaching one location.

"I am going to bucking kill the pony who burnt MY BEAUTIFUL CAKE!"

Perfect Mix heard a series of quiet knocks on the kitchen door. Snorting to himself, he closed the oven door and walked over to it, pushing it open with his hoof.

"Is there something I can help..." The stallion trailed off as he noticed who had answered the door.

Princess Celestia herself was standing outside of the doorway, a massive grin spread across her entire face. Perfect Mix was at once horrified and terribly confused as to why the Princess was standing outside of his door.

"Y- Yes? How may I h- help you?" He asked shakily.

To his growing dread, the Princess's smile only seemed to widen. Reality seemed to be breaking around the Diarch, as her smile seemed to grow to impossible levels. It was only then that he noticed the final detail: Her mane was completely flat.

Perfect Mix took first one step back, and then one more, until he was completely out of the doorway. He then slowly closed the door, the Princess staring at him even as she disappeared behind the wooden barrier. He then turned around and started trotting away, heading for his room to pack.

The guards on duty at the throne room discretely noted that Princess Celestia was five minutes late. At the same time, the Princess's facial expressions seemed to be altering between borderline insane, and the stone-like gaze that she usually wore.

So far, nopony had gathered the courage to tell her that court was due to start. It has quickly erupted into a argument fought in whispers between the guards. Finally, one turned to her and bowed, gaining her attention.

"Your Highness, court is due to start." The mare Royal Guard said, her head to the ground. "Would you wish for us to allow the petitioners in?"

First one minute passed, and then two. It was going on five minutes when the mare rose and returned to her place at the base of the throne, slightly disturbed by the Princess's behavior. Right as she resumed her position, however, the Solar Diarch spoke.

"Bring me the pastries."

"Your Highness?" One of the guards asked.

"The pastries. I want them. You may start when they are delivered." Princess Celestia said in a firm tone, completely divergent from the nigh-insane expression she was wearing.

The two Royal Guards looked at one another for a single moment, before the mare burst off in a trot, headed for the kitchens. The other was left to stand there, trying to ignore the burning gaze of the Solar Princess resting on his neck.

The mare pushed open the door to the kitchens, walking past a pony heading out of the large room with a large bag. Ignoring the stallion, the Royal Guard walked up to the head chef, who was trading whispers with another pony.

"Hey, Chef!" She said, gaining the attention of the dignified-looking unicorn who was in charge of the kitchen. "I need to you get every single type of pastery you have up to the throne room. Right now."

The unicorn turned to her and blinked. "Why?"

"Princess Celestia." That name commanded almost universal respect throughout the castle, although the mare had to wonder if that would be challenged today.

A little over ten minutes later, the multitude of assorted donuts and crème-named baked goods were delivered on a large food cart. The unicorn who delivered them swiftly ran from the room, his self-preservation instincts kicking in.

Both of the guards as the base of the throne couldn't help but glance towards the Princess, who was in the process of messily eating several of the pastries at once.

"You may send in the petitioners." Princess Celestia said once she had gulped several of the baked goods down at once.

The first noble to walk down the throne room nearly had a heart attack once he took in the sight of the princess. Gulping and steadying himself, the stallion walked up to the throne, gave a short bow, and proceeded to launch into a tirade against several other nobles.

"-And that, Princess Celestia, is why you should immediately confiscate their lands! They are a menace to the collective image of Equestria, and I will not stand for it!" He finished, looking expectantly at the Princess. Usually, such requests were turned down, but there was a slim chance that he might-

"Moon, fifty days." Princess Celestia said, her face twisting itself into a massive grin as she banished the stallion to that barren rock.

Her guards stared open-mouthed at the spot where the unicorn had been a moment before, both of them sharing the same thought: This isn't happening.

"Next victim!" Princess Celestia shouted, prompting the guard at the door to let the next one in.

The Solar Princess, meanwhile, rubbed her metaphorical hooves with glee. It's banishment time!

Two and a half hours, five dismissals, three 'unique' punishments, and twenty-two banishments (for periods ranging from five days to eight thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine) later, the line of petitioners had mysteriously died out.

"Are there any more to 'handle'?" Princess Celestia asked her court scribe in a voice that could best be described as belonging in a song - or one of his hidden magazines. The stallion was almost traumatized at this point, having been forced to record more banishments in one day than he had his entire life, but he still managed to gather himself together for a reply.

"N- no, Your Highness." He stammered out.

"Good." She purred, in a voice that was decidedly not befit of royalty. "In that case, I shall return to my chambers. meet me there in half an hour."

With that, the Princess of the Sun walked down the throne dais, hitting the scribe with her tail on the way down. Said stallion promptly fainted as the Princess pranced down the throne room, bursting through the door as castle staff stared in shock.

"... Well then..." One guard said after a short pause. "I think it would be for the best if we cashed in our vacation days."

"Agreed." The other replied, still staring down the path the Princess had taken. "It's for the best. Let's hit a bar first. I think I need something strong after that."

The two Royal Guards that had stood at the entrance to Princess Celestia's personal chambers had seen everything today. After nearly being given concussions by said Princess earlier in the morning, they had to swiftly replace the shattered door. All of this was render moot, however, when the Princess had come back, breaking the door in half this time. Thankfully, the unicorn among them was able to repair the door using magic.

Unfortunately, the stallion who had to repair the door had to go inside of the room to do so. After the door had been fixed, several loud bangs had followed, and he had not been seen since.

However, the other guard knew precisely what was going on. The loud shouts from the other side of the door could not disguise it: His friend was either the luckiest stallion in the castle, or was about to be.

The pegasus guard still standing outside sighed, wondering how he had ever been picked for this post.

Suddenly, the door was slammed open, and his friend stumbled out in a daze. Before they could exchange anything more than glances, however, the pegasus yelped as he was picked in in a field of magic and dragged in, the door slamming shut a moment later.

Meanwhile, the other guard stared at the door his partner had disappeared to. Chuckling to himself, the Royal Guard began the walk back to his barracks to take a long, long shower... And possibly to drink enough to forget this day ever happened.

The two replacements came to relieve the last guard detail, only to find that none of them were standing at the door, and that there were strange screams coming from within. One of them, having not heard about the order to ignore said noises, slowly opened the door...

"And how did this make you feel?" Pleasant Dreams cautiously asked her current guest, none other than Princess Celestia herself. She specialized in therapy, but even she could admit that she was unnerved by the Solar Diarch herself coming to visit. Especially in her current... State would be the best way to describe it.

"It was horrible!" The Princess of the Sun wailed, hanging her head down to continue her crying. The way the Princess alternated between a borderline-psychotic expression, sheer despair, and what would only be described as the Princess hitting on her was disturbing, to say the least.

"There, there, dear." Pleasant Dreams said, giving an awkward conciliatory pat on the Alicorn's shoulder. "You are the Princess, after all! Surely you can fix this problem!" I want nothing to do with this situation. "You've been ruling Equestria for thousands of years!" Grow up. "You can find a solution." Pass it off to somebody else.

The Princess suddenly sat up, sending Pleasant Dreams flying backwards and into the wall, where she lay in a heap, groaning.

"You're right!" Celestia exclaimed. "I'm a big princess now! I can do whatever I want."

Her grin turned sultry, ignoring the mare heaped against the wall in front of her. "And I know just how to punish the pony who did this!"

"Are you serious?" The guard asked his superior. "I just managed to get... that out of my head, and now you're telling me that I've been assigned to clean the Princess's bedchambers?"

"Not my problem." His superior immediately responded, hoofing over a bucket full of assorted cleaning supplies.

"Really?" The guard mumbled, glaring at the bucket as he picked it up with a wing, before turning around and stalking out of the room.

A full hour later, the door to the throne room burst open, and Princess Luna walked inside. She had been awoken in the middle of a perfectly fine dream - that had absolutely nothing to do with the moon being made out of cheese - to deal with a 'problem', as the maid who had awoken her described it.

"Sister, I hath herd of a problem in our midst. What is..." She trailed off as she finally looked at her sister. Celestia sat on her throne, a face-splitting smile on her face, utterly transfixed on some nonexistent point in the distance.

"Sister?" Luna said, trying to gain the attention of her sibling. There was absolutely no acknowledgment of her presence, not even a glance. "Sister..."

"Heeeellooooo, Woona." Celestia said in a long, drawn out greeting, jerking her entire head to stare at Luna.

"Um, greetings. Tia, are you feeling well?" Luna asked, only now noticing that the room was barren of the guards that normally lined the walls.

"Yes, Lulu! I'm feeling dandy, if I might say!" That her sister seemed to be forcing all of this out behind her nigh-insane smile did nothing to comfort Luna.

"Well, I hath a few concerns for thee." Luna said carefully. "Thy servants were worried, and awoke me to... Help, with a problem."

"They don't have to worry! I've got everything under control!" Celestia exclaimed, right as the door to the throne room opened again. The Princess of the Sun jumped forward, towards a servant who had entered with a small cart and then left just as quickly. Luna's sister pulled aside a cloth covering it, gasping as she noticed whatever was inside. "Oh! My order arrived!"

"Sister, what is this order?" Luna asked as Celestia used her telekinesis to lift several bottles of a clear liquid free from the cart. Celestia opened her wings and jumped into the air, flying to her throne, where the Princess proceeded to tear the cap at the top of the bottle off and take a long drink of the mysterious fluid.

"It's very good stuff, that's what it is!" Celestia said, taking another long drink and coughing about half of it up. "By the sun, that burns!"

Meanwhile, Luna, had taken the time to walk over to the cart and read the labels on the bottles. "Sister, this is 140-proof alcohol. I thought that we had agreed that neither of us shall ever drink such substances again after the noodle incident."

"That was one thousand, seven hundred and fifty-three years, ten days, three hours, and twenty-two seconds ago!" Celestia defended.

"And you were keeping count?" Luna murmured, lifting a bottle with her magic. "As for myself, I am taking this perfectly good bottle and locking myself in my bedchambers. I shall return when this is over."

"Woona, don't leave me! *hic*" Celestia said, before draining the last of the second bottle. "I can't do this without you! Eveeeeer! Come back, and I can prove that we'll be the best Princesses ever! I need your help to rewrite all of the laws!"

"I am not involving myself in this." Luna curtly replied as she teleported out of the room, away from her insane sister.

The shout of 'Noooooo!' that rocked the castle moments later was in no way related to this incident.

By dusk, fires burned around Canterlot, a result of several dozen obscure changes in laws that nobody cared about. Neither of the Princesses were anywhere to be seen, and the only figures of authority that had appeared were not talking.

Meanwhile, in the castle, a very drunk Solar Princess stumbled into her bedchambers, gripping a very large plushie of herself. Celestia jumped into her bed, lighting up her horn as she attempting to lower the sun, only to find out she couldn't even do that.

"Shtupid horn." She murmured, thinking through a solution. "I'll just put the moon in front of the sun. Woona wouldn't mind."

And with that, Equestria was plunged into an eclipse for the night.

Tightly hugging her giant plushie, Celestia slowly fell off into a alcohol-induced sleep.