Grace of a Swan

by Chuckward

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Adventure, Sex, Tragedy, Random, Discord, Gore, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Romance, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 4184

A man is sent to equestria

This guy wrote most of the first chapter http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Starbird

Discord has escaped yet again and it's up to Rarity and the others to save all of equestria.
Am I funny yet?
Ampersands make me horny. &. Oh god thats hawt!!?!

Published 2012-06-20 17:04:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-21 19:40:06 UTC

Part 1: the end

Bill was sitting at home, just waiting for his model portal gun to come in the mail. "It should be here by now, I ordered it like a year ago." the mail-man showed up right on time, like he always did. "is it finally here, Ernesto."

"Fuck you Bill, my wife always yells at me. why do i have a hernia. i lost the game." ernesto said as he threw the package at bills head, missing and hitting his feet. he drove off from bills house and accidently crashed into the blind orphanage, his truck exploding, leaving the building in ruins.

"same thing every day." bill said with a slight chuckle as he frolicked into his house, his bath robe flowing in the wind, as he scratched his bald spot with the grace of a swan, kicking the toilet paper off of his foot as he slowly tip-toed past his screen door, leaving no evidence he had ever left his house, so the police dont question him about all the dead orphans. he stepped inside his house and carefully opened the package as fast as he could. he finally had his portal gun. "how cool would it be if it actually worked." he said. just at that moment, it did. one circle shot the tv, while the other shot his roof. "wow, im old, fat, and gay" he said as he jumped into the portal up above with the grace of a swan. instead of jumping out of the other portal as expected, he jumped into the program on the tv, which had just shifted from transformers prime, the best show on the hub, to that piece of gay ass nigger whore fuck shit stack my little pony: friendship is magic. he entered the show on a barren field, looking around for any sign of life. he seen a purple earth pony with a horn. he approached the young mare and said, "where the fuck am I." he asked ever so gently, with the grace of a swan. " uum, your in ponyville, you strange woodland creature?" ijij whore the author said, as it was 4:39 when he wrote this shit. " ok and you are!" he axed hur. " i'm twilight sparkle." she replied with the grace of a swan.

"wow, i cant believe im actually meeting edward cullen>"
" ok!" she replied with the grace of a swan. "i have a friend id like you to meet?" she told the forty year old virgin. she took him by his foot toilet paper, as there is an unlimited supply. they walked al the way down to fluttershy's mantion with the grace of a swan. they rolled up to shy's pimpin castle in their 63' cadillac with a decal reading team edward. bill walked out of her crappy piece of gay ass nigger whore fuck shit stack car with the grace of a swan. when he reached her quaint little pueblo, he knocked on her door with the grace of a swan. just like xander and princess clara taught me. he thought to himself. fluttershy opened the hatch on her tardis in her newly tailored pocahauntis costume (free concept art) and meekly said. "WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT FROM ME, FUCKIN COP PIECE OF gay ass nigger whore fuck shit stack, I AIN'T GOT NO BATH SALTS, oh, your not a cop!" she screamed after realizing he wasnt a cop with the grace of a swan. "hey, fluttershy, can you look after moby for a while, and figure out what he is with the grace of a swan!"Asked Twilight Sprinkle, going by her pornstar name, only used in the presence of princess luna, unless she was horny as fuck.

"umm, my name is bill?" moby told them,

"sure twilIGht, no problem." she hollered queerly.

"ok bye" twilight said as she flew off.

"so, uhh this is kind-" bill said as he was cut off

"listen you little piece of shit, i dont give a fuck who you are, but you and twilight interrupted my high time with angel bunny, so stay in here and leave me the fuck alone, you little slut." flutterhigh told him, slipping into another personality other than stuttershy and sluttershy with the grace of a swan. " so, who, and what, the fuck are you.

"my name is bill, and im a human." he told her like the abusive father he was inside. just then, on the other side of town, lyra's inept sense of hearing, sharpened by bonbons, sexual moans at night, came. running at the sound of the word human with the grace of a swan. "what are humans like. do they say fuck you, or my wife always yells at me or why do i have a hernia or i lost the game!" she quietly questioned, slowly saying each word so her new human sex slave could hear them.

" GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, YOU LITTLE BITCH?" fluttershy asserted, which totally went for her in putting your hoof down. lyra flew out, as all unicorns can fly, straight into the blind pony orphanage where pinky was raised. spike walked by and said

"same thing every day." with a slight chuckle as he frolicked into his fortress, his bath robe flowing in the wind, as he scratched his bald spot with the grace of a swan, kicking the toilet paper off of his foot as he slowly tip-toed past his screen door, leaving no evidence he had ever left his gutter, so the police dont question him about all the dead pony orphans.

"so when pooplight sparkle comes back, shes taking you to the vet to get fixed with the grace of a swan!"

"Urah?" bill said, happily, knowing somebrony would finally touch him there other than him and uncle sylvester stalone. just then, twilight butthole burst into the room with, The Great and Powerful Trixie, who accidently tripped one of fluttershys emergency claymores, blowing her into Great and Powerful chunks with the grace of a swan. "Moby, come with me, i need you down in canterlot! pronto?"

And now, and interlude from the author and publisher

Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down and id like to take a minute, just smoke this pot, ill tell you how i came to a city in equestria called canterlot.

And now, back the the authors life story

"I cant believe it took you the whole forty minute ride here to make up those awful lyrics to an already existing song." said twilight hitler bin laden kony stalin caesar castro il hussain jfk ford seacrest, like the angel she was named after, with the grace of a swan.

" i cant believe you made me walk the whole way here?"

" well maybe, you shouldnt have peed in my new honda crystler chariot."

" that wasnt me. that was your piece of gay ass nigger whore fuck shit stack owl?"

" you mean owlicious!" she protested with the grace of a swan.

"whatever , at least were here in cancerlot?"
They arrived at the castle with the grace of a swan, eager to meat princess celestia. bill ran ahead, but twilight still had ahold of his tp leash and he fell with the grace of a swan. after they had cleaned the blood, they went into celestia's grand throne room, stopping momentarily to marvel at the pagota built just outside of her bounce castle. celestia walked out wearing a duct taped covered saftey helmet, and said with the grace of a swan, "Blerragellaanaacaca butterfli."

Luna then walked out and said in an uplifting and demeaning manor " goood girl big sis-tow, now go inside and play with papa's keys now." she said, delivering a swift kick to celestias flank err.... ass. "YAAAAAAAEEEYYY, slippy fun time." celestia said, running full trot into a blind alicorn orphanage, when prince blueblood who is best pony sexily walked by and said

"same thing every day." with a slight chuckle as he frolicked into his dominion, his bath robe flowing in the wind, as he scratched his bald spot with the grace of a swan, kicking the toilet paper off of his foot as he slowly tip-toed past his screen door, leaving no evidence he had ever left his igloo, so the police dont question him about all the dead alicorn orphans.

" now here is the real princess, cowlestia, goddess of dairy, and raiser of the cheese, to brief you on your mission."

She flew from above with the grace of a swan, unlike any beauty ever beheld by the eye of my imagination. when she landed, she told them, " good moorning, my little ponies!"

"I'm a human!"Bill vocalized.

"That's racist? anyway it comes to my attention that Discord has escaped again. Unfortunately this time the Helements of Armory won't be strong enough to defeat his wacky ass. he is pulling some gay ass nigger whore fuck shit stack this time gang. now go and like kill it?"

for the purposes of this story discord is now voiced by Mr.Krabs?

"I need to get my friends to help me."

"oh, darling, were already here?" said pinkie pie

"why yes. sweetems we've been here the whole time." said rainbow dash

"fuck me HARD!!!!!! said sluttershy

"Why we were here long before you and your companion entered this beautiful palace."said Applejack.

"HUURRRR DUUHH"said Rarity.

"Oh goody your all here" came an ominous voice with the grace of a swan.

"Discord show yourself with the grace of a swan."said bill.

"Never,"Discord replied then he materialized in front of them. "ah, i see you brought moby,"

"bill." moby said generously

"no matter, he'll do you no good comrades, for you see, he's a virgin."

"i can change that." said trixie, oh wait, she's dead, lol. said sluttershy
Then Sluttershy leapt with the grace of a swan landing on bill's erect penis. Once Bill's cock hit her cervix his eyes began to glow with a bright light. He began to rise up off of the ground and swung sluttershy who was still on his dick and hit Discord in the face with her.Discord fell to the ground and was immediately surrounded by the mane six, each carrying a midevil flail. they slowly approached him, each with a menacing look in their eyes with the grace of a swan, they closed the circle around him and began to mercilessly beat him with the grace of a swan. Then Rainbow dash dragged him over to a table and placed his jaw on it, then she sonic raincurbstomped him shattering all of his teeth causing blood to pour from his mouth in a torrent of thick red liquid.

Twilight then picked him up with her magic and plaed a swift kick right to his testicles sending him careening into a blind draconaquus orphanage,exploding,leaving nothing but rubble.
Then Luna said"same thing every day,"with a slight chuckle as she frolicked into her conch shell, her bath robe flowing in the wind, as she scratched her bald spot with the grace of a swan, kicking the toilet paper off of her foot as she slowly tip-toed past her screen door, leaving no evidence she had ever left her house, so the police dont question her about all the dead draconaquus orphans.

"Yay the wicked witch is dead lets eat scootaloo."Said fluttershy.

"I do believe this proves that nothing is stronger than friendship and love. The bond of friendship can never be broken, and with your friends you can overcome any adversity, and your friends will always be there to let you know that you matter." said Big Macintosh.

"Eeyup?"said sweetie belle.

"Well now that I've saved Equestria by myself with the grace of a swan I guess it's time for me to go back home."

"Oh moby do you really have to go?"said Twilight Urkle

"My name is bill you cunt " he said kindly.

"cum back for me"said fluttershy.
Bill bent down to fluttershy and placed his hand gently on her cheek, he looked into her eyes and lovingly said"no"with the grace of a swan.

and with that he pulled the portal gun out of his mouth and fired the orange circle at the ground,and the blue circle at rainbow dash's asshole.then he dove in the blue circle with the grace of a swan coming out of his television and back into his living room.

he went to pick up his portal gun but looked at his hand and realized that it was actually a fat old gay hoof.
"Oh shit i'm a pony....That's gay."

then he went to Chuck E. Cheese and got wasted.

the game.

Part 2: Bill enjoys a soda and then takes a piss.

The sun was rising between two hills making it look like a giant golden loaf being firmly pressed between two giant green asscheeks, and bill was relaxing in his hammock wearing a speedo in an effort to attract a young paperboy.
His arm muscles contracted, forcing his arm to bend lifting his right hand which was holding an 8 ounce can of doctor pepper towards his mouth while he scratched his lice-infested pubic hair with his left hand. He expertly flexed the many muscles in his lips making them pucker around the area in the can where one would use the tab to make a small hole so liquid could be poured in or out. He then lifted the bottom of the can upwards expertly demonstrating newton's laws of gravity to force the cold carbonated drink out from the can into his mouth. His tongue tingled as bubbles formed on his taste buds. The bubbles popped individually allowing the soda's flavor to slowly engulf his tongue. Bill then used the muscles at the back of his throat to send the liquid sliding down his esophagus using his tongue to guide any remaining soda down there as well.

The doctor pepper flowed down his esophagus eventually landing in his stomach causing a chemical reaction which forced gasses to go back up his esophagus and exit his mouth resulting in a loud belch that satisfied bill immensely. He then repeated the aforementioned process until the entirety of the small metal can's contents was in his digestive tract.

After a few hours of being processed by his digestive organs, and sapped of nutrient the doctor pepper was soon reduced to little more than a pool of urial waste gathered in his stone filled bladder. Once the bladder was full, a signal was sent to bill's brain alerting him of the dilemma. He expressed the signal in as eloquent a manner as possible.

"oh holy motherfucking shit I have to take the most enormous piss of my entire god damn mother fucking, sister humping, child raping, eyeball scraping, hammock chilling, milk spilling, wal-mart greeting, rarity eating life!!"

Unfortunately for Bill by the time he finished the ridiculously vulgar sentence the wellspring of urine in his bladder burst forth, flowing through his urinary tract and out of his penishole. Wave after wave of golden pee ejected from his penis and into his speedo. Of course because the speedo was made of rubber it was unable to absorb the torrent of ureal fluids emanating from Bill's most private of parts, and it eventually began to spill out of his speedo and onto the beautiful mahogany porch below. As the wooden porch absorbed the tidal wave of pee it began to turn to a sickly dark color. Eventually Bill's bladder completely emptied until the only traces of his accident were a few golden droplets on his legs, butt, and genitals, and a dark stain on the porch below.

Having finished pissing his pants Bill sighed with relief and turned his head to the right to enter a more relaxing position, only to notice the ten-year old paperboy that had been the occupant of so many of his wet dreams staring gawk-eyed with his mouth wide open. Bill knew that his love had seen the whole ordeal and tried to make the whole situation less awkward by approaching it as delicately as possible.

" Ya know if you like what you saw I can always just piss in your mouth," he said gracefully.

The boy simply ran away screaming leaving his bike behind.

"oh SCORE" said bill as he ran over and humped the bicycle until he ejaculated into the bag of newspapers covering the contents in semen and sperm cells.

Then Pinkie pie hopped by on a pony pogo stick and said "what an awful way to end a chapter."

Oh my god I just wrote a 642 word long description of a man pissing himself and offering to sexually molest a child!!!

Grace of a Swan the lost sequel

It was Tuesday morning and Bill and his two best friends Nick and Chaz(who preferred the name nunchucks) were rocking out on Their legally distinct version of rock band " Rock n' Roll time with Hulk Hogan".

Nick was fat and ugly with green hair and a red Fu Manchu and Chaz was tall and handsome with blue eyes that shone like sapphires.

Nick was on the bass, which is a stupid and gay instrument for homosexual pedofiles, Chaz was rocking the mic, and bill, who is still an earth pony was playing guitar.

The game.

"Defication is Quite a sensation, sweeping across the nation Defication," Chaz sang elegantly.

Then came Bill's guitar solo.Bill did his best but his hooves made it impossible to play guitar and they were booed offstage.

"Wow Bill you suck" said Nick.

In response Bill crushed Nick's head in his hooves. Then he turned to Chaz .

" That's it, I can handle being raped by other ponies, hunted down relentlessly by the government for being a talking horse, and even the holocaust, but nobody fucks with my video games." bill said seductively.

Just then the wall collapsed behind them exposing a portal. Out flew two Wolf squids who beat the shit out of bill and Chaz, and brought nick back to life. Then they stole his fridge and left, leaving a portal to equestria In their wake.

" Oh my good golly jeepers" said nick" a portal to equestria."

" Maybe they know how to turn me back into a human." said bill.

And they all went through the portal and into equestria so they could watch Michael j fox shake from up close.

They all landed in twilight sparkle's house.

Unfortunately Twilight Sparkle was vigorously masturbating at the time. Upon seeing this Bill's pony dick became erect knocking over a bookshelf which tragically fell and crushed a paper cup.
Oh and a blind orphan was crushed too but no one cared because orphans are losers.
"Who are you?" asked twilight.

"I'm bill remember? I know I might be hard to recognize because I'm a pony now but that's why we're here. To see if I can be transformed back into a human. This is my friend Chaz and this is Nick"

Oh my god bill how are you?"
" Bad... I'm a pony."
Twilight Sparkle ignored him and looked at Nick, then she kicked him in the sternum, stopping his heart and killing him.
"Why the hell did you do that?"
" Mexicans aren't allowed in equestria," she replied.

Just then the wall behind them collapsed and two wolf squids emerged, then they beat the shit out of Twilight Sparkle, brought Nick back to life and left.

"what the hell are those things?" asked Chaz.

"Wolf squids," she explained," they're a type of bat that dwells in the space between dimensions. They've caused a lot of trouble recently and we can't get rid of them because when we use the elements of harmony on them they evolve into wal-mart greeters, equestria doesn't have wal- mart so they end up taking jobs and now the economy is collapsing!"
" Is that why there aren't any Mexicans allowed?" asked bill.

"No everyone in equestria is just racist" she replied.

Then rainbow Dash flew by and sonicrainflashedhergenitals.

For the purposes of this story Rarity looks like the fat girl I used for my cover art. So from now on when rarity does something picture that fat girl holding a garden hose.

Just Rarity ran in and took all of her clothes off, got buttfucked by Ron Jeremy and then flew away.

"Wow that Ron Jeremy sure is sexy" said nick.
Then Twilight Soarkle killed nick for being a homo who plays bass.

Just then the wall behind them crumbled and three wolf squids emerged, brought nick back to life and left with the grace of a swan.

" Now we have to go to Canterlot and save equestria."

So they went to Canterlot.

" I'm Celestia" said Luna.

Just then Luna killed nick for being a bass player!

The wolf squids showed up and brought nick back to life but Luna killed the wolf squids with her badassery.

Then Cowlestia a cow with a horn and wings or alicow flew down from above and inhaled mustard gas with the grace of a Jew.
She then looked at nick and killed him because bass players are losers.
Then wolf squids brought him back to life.

" now you see the problem, wolf squids are ruining this country and we need to get rid of them." said Cowlestia.
" I know how to get rid of them" said nick.

Then nick pulled out a wolf squid shaped electric base, and plugged it into an amp. Then he went outside and played the electric bass equivalent of a peruvian pan flute song.

And the music was so bad that all the wolf squids left to get away from that worthless instrument for homosexual pedofiles.
And they killed nick and the wolf squids couldn't bring him back this time because the bass is for homos and everyone lived happily ever after except nick who was a bass playing homo. Also nick had cancer.
Then fat rarity who is desperate because she is fat had sex with Nick's dead body because the dick cancer kept him hard.
Then Starbird, who is retarded showed up and we all went to hungry howie's and dead nick got the high score in pizza eating because he's fat.
After that bill had sex with Twilight Sparkle and the friction from his dick opened a portal to earth that magically turned him into a human again but when he got back to earth Chaz and dead nick were ponies now but they can still play rock band because Chaz could still hold the mic and nick was a dead Pegasus and since he usually played the bass in that game, and the bass is for losers who are gay pedofiles nobody cared in the slightest.

Am I funny yet?
______________

I had full consent from nick to call him a homo.

A very special short where we tackle a major issue in our own way.

Bill was chillin like a villain under his solid gold pagoda in his brand new lawn chair when Applejack walked up to him.

Oh my god what is that golden tower of wonder before my red eyes?" Applejack asked.

"Why it's my brand new lawn chair my dear applejack, otherwise known as the most worthless of the mane six," bill said whilst twisting his brand new solid gold nipples.

"Oh well thats cool," said applejack," anyway I have some vacation days comIng to me and I was hoping you'd fly me to Canada."

" Well I guess my one month old son won't starve too much if I leave for a few months."Bill said thoughtfully," but I guess I'd better make sure."

And with that bill went in the house and took his baby in his arms,unhinged his jaw like a snake and ate it.

"Anyway let's go to Canadia land."

One month later. Oh you thought we'd describe applejack's first time on a plane? Well fuck that! Aw yeah time skip right up your asshole!!!

"This is a harp seal. It's fluffy and adorable, but unfortunately people like me are clubbing these delicious I mean innocent creatures to death."

After saying that the man pulled out a club and unhinged his jaw like a snake and ate it, then he began to fellate the harp seal.

"Wow I thought he was a tour guide." said Bill

" that isn't important right now bill! We have to stop the horrible slaughtering of these defenseless creatures!!" pleaded applejack

"If I shoot my diarrhea all over it then no one will want to club it. PROBLEM SOLVED!"bill exclaimed.

"Hey that's just crazy enough to work"said applejack

And with that they started shitting all over every harp seal in Canada and the people who club seals were to grossed out to club them, so instead they cured cancer and unhinged their jaws like snakes and ate all the shit covered harp seals.

In conclusion FUCK CANADA!!!!

The end