Discord's Deli of Chaos
by Present Perfect
"I'm tellin' ya, Twi, the place might look a li'l shabby on the outside, but I'll be a frog's momma if the food just ain't the best I ever had!"
"Well..." Twilight let the comment hang in the air as she stared up at the edifice.
Sandwiched between a stately brick law office and an equally august bookstore, the restaurant's garish pink and fluorescent green aluminum siding definitely stood out. Not to mention the numerous mobiles and model airplanes hanging from the eaves (most of which were moving despite the lack of wind), the dilapidated barber shop pole repainted to show a different clown face on every revolution, and the neon sign with the "DIS" and "CORD" syllables that flashed intermittantly. As Applejack opened the door, Twilight had to admit it was certainly a memorable place.
The door opening was accompanied by a soft 'ding', then the sounds of a marching band and five or six extremely loud air horns that sent Twilight's heart racing. The café's inside was far more subdued than the façade, with warm wood paneling, a chessboard tile floor and lofty balustrades on the staircases. Though it didn't take Twilight long to realize that the numerous windows had no analogues on the outside, not to mention there was no actual second story. In fact, the interior appeared to be larger than the exterior.
"W-welcome to Discord's Deli of Chaos," said a quiet voice from their right.
Twilight turned to see a large counter and deli case, stocked with all sorts of meats, cheeses, breads, fireworks, writing implements and condiments, behind which stood a meek yellow draconequus. She smiled shyly at them from behind pink mane and bowed.
"May I take your order?"
Something about the draconequus seemed familiar, and Twilight hung back, trying to study both the cashier and the menu while Applejack stepped forward.
"I'll have a hot pastrami an' bees on rye, extra bees, and a lamp oil milkshake."
The draconequus leaned over, grasping a small microphone growing from a tall ficus in the corner. When she spoke into it, her voice was simultaneously muffled and amplified across the front of the deli.
"Number fifteen, um, honeyed up."
As Applejack pulled out her bit pouch, the girl seemed to do a double-take.
"Oh! I almost forgot. We're having a special deal today, for lunches. If you buy a half sandwich and any cup of soup, you get the drink free. Milkshakes included."
"Well by golly, if that don't sound like a bargain!" Applejack grinned and deposited her bits on the counter while the order was amended.
"M-make that a half combo. Um, please?"
A gruff voice came from the kitchen, behind double doors that swung to and fro, guided by the restless motions of what seemed to be two live monkeys embedded in place of door handles.
"Why don'tcha make up your mind?"
"I'm sorry!" the draconequus squeaked, hands flying up to cover her face.
Something in Twilight's mind clicked. "Fluttershy?"
The fingers of little draconequus's lion paw spread to uncover her eye. "Oh. Twilight, you noticed..."
Despite the serpentine body and mismatched horns, wings and limbs, this was indeed Fluttershy. Applejack blinked, doing her own double-take, and guffawed.
"Well, I'll be! Fluttershy, I didn't even recognize ya! How long you been workin' here?"
"Not long." Fluttershy played with the long curl of her mane. "I only work here part time, on the weekend."
Twilight stepped forward, one eyebrow lifted. "I hate to ask the obvious, but... why are you a draconequus?"
"Do you like it?" Fluttershy smiled, turning slightly to show off her back and tail. "It's just the uniform. I mean, it's actually a full-body transformation, but it wears off after my shift is over." She held up her eagle claw. "It's nice having fingers for a while, though."
Twilight returned the smile. "Why the big secret? You could've said something when we came in."
"Oh, well... I was afraid you wouldn't want to talk to me if I didn't look like myself. And I was trying to be professional. And..."
From the kitchen came the sound of a flock of geese and a toilet flushing. A large draconequus head stretched forth on an elongated neck, pushing the doors open and disturbing the monkeys, who screeched in annoyance. The head extended until it was even with Fluttershy's face and glared at her.
"I don't pay you to gab with the customers! Take their orders and then take their money. Is that really so much to ask?" He flashed them a quick smile and a, "It's so hard to find good help these days", then his head snapped back into the kitchen with a resounding gong.
"Y-yes, sir!" Fluttershy's face was bright red as she fumbled with Applejack's bits, trying to avoid the cash register's hungry mouth and tongue while depositing them in the till. "I'm sorry, sir! R-right away, sir!"
Having gotten the coins properly stashed, she gave Applejack a small plastic guinea pig inscribed with the number of her order, then set the milkshake machine to mixing. She turned back to Twilight with an apologetic smile.
"Th-that's the other reason I didn't say anything. Mister Discord is very, um..."
"Uptight?"
"Stern." Beads of sweat formed on Fluttershy's face. "Have you decided on what you'd like yet?"
Twilight had sort of forgotten about the menu, and turned back to it. "I don't know... I mean, a lot of this sounds so strange. Is this stuff even edible?"
"Sure it is!" Applejack said from her table. "I mean, it feels kinda weird, and some of it moves around and stings a little, but it all squishes together eventually, and it tastes great, honest!"
"I don't know..." Twilight cast a dubious glance back up at the menu, reading off choices. "'Jet Fuel Cola'? 'Turkey with Training Wheels'? 'Macaroni and Coral'? Most of these just don't sound appetizing."
Fluttershy began looking frantically back and forth. At what, Twilight couldn't tell.
"Oh, um, uh... Maybe if you're not convinced, you should ask one of our satisfied customers." Putting on an overly wide grin, Fluttershy motioned at the dining area.
It was at this point that Twilight realized Rarity had been there the whole time. The other unicorn held up both hooves.
"I absolutely adore their stained glass fries, Twilight!" she declared, grinning through a mouthful of cracked teeth and bleeding gums. She suffered a moment of existential crisis brought on by the self-defeating fruitlessness of her situation, after which she loosed a sob of despair and ate until she was pretty again.
Fluttershy began to sweat again as Twilight turned back to her. "O-or, if you don't want anything too heavy, we do offer a wonderful chef's salad, with assorted nuts and bolts and fetid cheese."
"Cheese is off today!" came the voice from the kitchen.
"Oh." Fluttershy looked down at her constantly wringing hands. "Well, just fetid then. But it's my favorite. I really recommend it, Twilight."
"Well..." Twilight hummed, looking back at the menu, trying to take in all the various ridiculous offerings at once and finding herself quickly overwhelmed. "I don't know..."
"I don't know how you people expect to stay in business!" cried a sharp voice at the back of the eatery. Twilight and Fluttershy turned and saw, of all ponies, Pinkie Pie, standing on a tabletop, holding a large submarine sandwich and looking extremely cross.
"Are all of my friends going to show up here today?" Twilight wondered aloud.
Pinkie hopped off the table, waving the sandwich, which leaked sauce, vegetables, and other toppings all over the floor, and stalked towards the counter.
"I ordered my Indy race car club with extra balloons! Does two balloons sound like 'extra' to you?"
To illustrate her point, Pinkie lifted the top piece of bread, releasing a pair of orange balloons. They floated up to the ceiling, where five small goblins emerged from holes and began to squabble over them. After an upside-down fistfight featuring some seriously questionable tactics, one balloon popped and the other was dragged off by the victor. His comrades limped back to their holes, holding their various bruised body parts and groaning in high-pitched voices the whole way.
Fluttershy crouched behind the counter, her mismatched horns and worried eyes the only things visible above it. "I... I'm sorry..."
"Pinkie." Twilight stepped between them as Pinkie continued to wave her sandwich at a distressingly condiment-flinging speed. "You do realize this is Fluttershy you're talking to, right? Yelling at her isn't going to accomplish anything."
"Oh!" Pinkie's expression immediately changed to one of surprise and delight. "Fluttershy, is that you? I had no idea! I mean, I kind of thought that you looked like you, but I figured if it really was you that you wouldn't want me to talk to you because you don't look like you! And also that you were trying to maintain a professional demeanor because your boss doesn't like you talking to the customers too much." Her scowl returned. "But that doesn't fix this sandwich! I demand satisfaction!"
The monkeys cried out in sharp anger as the doors swung open. The portly and be-aproned figure of Discord emerged, bearing a tray of food.
"Order up! Number nine? Number nine!"
Applejack held up her guinea pig. "'Bout time, too! I'm starvin'!"
Discord put on a patently false smile as he placed the tray in front of Applejack. "Everything look all right?"
"Sure does, thank ya kindly!"
Wiping his hands on his apron, Discord turned, frowning, to view the scene in front of the counter. "Now what's this I hear about somepony demanding satisfaction?"
"I do!" Pinkie hopped up and shoved the sandwich in his face. "Does this look like it has extra balloons to you?"
"Hmph!" Discord sneered at her. "You want balloons, is that it?" He snapped his fingers and Pinkie's body began to expand.
"Wheee!" she cried, lifting off the ground. Her body grew and grew, until, after a few moments, it exploded with a muted "Bang!" The room was showered in pink droplets, which formed into tiny Pinkie Pies as they hit the ground. The little ponies began zooming around the floor, scrambling over chair legs and dust balls while babbling in unintelligibly squeaky voices. As they collided with one another, they lost cohesion, forming first a large puddle and then a ball of something rubbery and pink. When the last itty-bitty Pinkie had leapt with a gleeful squeal onto the top of the pile, it finally resolved itself into the form of the regular-sized Pinkie Pie, who blinked her eyes and gasped.
"Oh my gosh! That was amazing!" She clapped her hooves together. "Do it again, do it again!"
"Extras cost extra," Discord snorted, before stomping behind the counter. "And as for you, missy," he said, pointing an accusing finger at Fluttershy, a series of increasingly smaller fingers popping out of the tip, "you had better learn some customer service skills so that we don't have to have little scenes like that in future!"
"Y-yes, sir," Fluttershy squeaked, nearly inaudible.
Discord beamed softly at the room, actual beams of sunlight striking the walls and leaving scorch marks that filled over with different colors of plaid wallpaper. "Sorry about the commotion, folks. Enjoy your meals."
Twilight could not get her head to stop rattling. Fluttershy sniffed, then took a deep breath and stood back up.
"Um, so, Twilight... I don't mean to be pushy, but have you made a decision yet?"
Twilight squinted at the menu. "What's a 'Hot Monologue'?"
"It's like a hot chocolate. It's nice. It can be kind of loud."
"Well, I'm suddenly not feeling very hungry, but I'll try one of those." She lifted three bits out of her saddlebag and put them on the counter. Fluttershy smiled, finally relaxing.
"All right! I'll mix that up and have it out in a jiffy!"
Things seemed to settle back into a sense of, if not normalcy, then at least calmness. A toy train emerged from one of the holes in the wall and made laps about the room despite the lack of tracks, puffing clouds of fish which the ceiling goblins attempted to grab with little success.
"How's your sandwich?" Twilight asked as she joined Applejack at the table.
Applejack looked up. Her eyes were full of tears and her mouth was swollen with bee stings. "If'f fo goob!" She smiled blissfully before digging back in to her sandwich.
"Here you are, Twilight," Fluttershy said softly, handing her a tall, steaming mug of dark liquid.
"Thanks, Fluttershy!" Twilight instinctively blew on the surface of the mug. Her head that close to it, she noticed that it was in fact bubbling slightly. She took a sip, finding it sweet and smooth, the taste somewhere between hot chocolate and coffee with lots of cream.
That was when it started talking. Its voice was pinched and nasal, and the syllables seemed to correspond to the popping of the bubbles, making its speech clipped.
"When in the course of Equestrian events it becomes necessary for one pony to dissolve three capsules in water and then call me in the morning edition, today we're talking to a bright new Applewood star light, star bright, first star on the right..."
"Hm!" Twilight smacked her lips and smiled. "It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's pretty tasty! I think I may in fact be warming up to this restaurant. And really, what around here actually makes sense in the first place?"
"Didn't I tell ya, Twi?" Applejack said, pleased.
Twilight leaned back in her chair, enjoying her monologue, Applejack sipped her soup, Fluttershy cleaned the counter, and the deli quieted down. But as is so often the case when a scene grows quiet for a few moments, the stillness was abruptly shattered by a pegasus mare in a black and purple full-body suit, complete with cape and large fedora, bursting in through the door.
"Stop right there, evil doers!" she cried. "Mare-Do-Well is here to put an end to your nefarious deeds!"
From behind the counter, somewhere closer to the ground than the register, Fluttershy squeaked, "Welcome to Discord's Deli of Chaos, mayItakeyourorderplease?"
"There won't be any more ordering going on in this deli once I'm through with it!" Mare-Do-Well declared, thrusting her chest out.
A thought occurred to Twilight, and she nearly spat out her monologue. Mare-Do-Well's secret identities were accounted for by the five ponies currently in the deli. That could only mean...
"Rainbow Dash, where'd you find that costume?"
"Oh, hey, Twilight," Mare-Do-Well said cheerfully, turning toward her. "Fluttershy wasn't using it, so I thought I'd try..." She choked on her words. "I mean, uh, fear not, citizen! Mare-Do-Well is here to protect you!"
Twilight slapped her face with a hoof and groaned.
"Yeah, I'm comin'," said a grouchy voice behind Dash-Do-Well. "Hold yer horses, where's the fire?"
The door swung open as a large, rough figure in a starched white shirt entered. She sported a five-o'clock shadow, dirty fingernails and numerous stains of dubious composition and even more dubious location on an otherwise neatly-pressed shirt, which strained against the girth of her waistline. Her teeth were yellow and her breath smelled of cigarettes and coffee. On her head was a dull and tarnished crown; from behind it flowed a long, four-colored mane, in some unseen breeze. In grubby, hairy, calloused hands, she clutched a clipboard and pen.
Twilight perked up, recognizing her friend and mentor. "Princess Celestia!"
"Heya, Twilight."
"And just what in the name of tap-dancing new potatoes is going on in here?" A bright flash, a puff of smoke, and a loud quack later and Discord stood in the center of the deli, glowering at the door.
"Health inspection," Celestia grumbled, picking at her teeth with the pen cap. Rainbow Dash lifted her head high, smile evident even through the cloth of her mask, and stood aside, letting Celestia through to do her work.
"Health inspection?" Discord's face darkened. "I run a clean shop here! This is the third health inspection in the last month! I am being harassed and discriminated against, and I demand recompense!"
Celestia snorted and glanced nonchalantly at her clipboard. "Got a report of rat pieces in the waffle batter."
Discord rolled his eyes. "There are supposed to be rat pieces in the waffle batter. That's how you make rat waffles!"
"Gonna hafta see yer food vendor's license and a tour of the food preparation facilities, sir." Celestia's voice never wavered or showed any emotion beyond dull boredom.
Twilight got up and moved over beside Rainbow-Do-Well, hissing into her ear. "Dash, what in the world are you doing? There's nothing wrong with this place!"
"I don't like it, Twilight," Rainbow hissed back. "The food here isn't right. Everything's disgusting or painful or moving. I got bug bits in my teeth the last time I ate here and I've been doing everything I can to shut him down ever since! Only last time he got a restraining order against me, so I had to come back in disguise."
Twilight cast a glance past Discord and Celestia, who were arguing with one another while their impressive guts, pressed up against one another belligerently. Discord's was slightly larger. Fluttershy was fidgeting at the counter, trying to blend into the surroundings, or at least squeeze herself into the corner as best she could. Twilight frowned and trotted over to the counter.
"Fluttershy, are you all right?"
"Um..." Fluttershy turned eyes rimmed with tears towards Twilight. "I think so. Except Mister Discord gets extremely... upset over inspections. He's likely to--"
"Hey, Fluttershy!"
Their heads snapped up at Discord's insistent command.
"Will you get over here and give me a hand convincing Little Miss Inspector here why this deal is as rotten as last week's fetid?"
"I'm s-sorry, sir! I d-don't know how much help I can--"
"Look, buddy," Celestia said, stifling a yawn, "it's nothin' personal, I'm just tryin'-a do my job here--"
"Fluttershy, your name is going to be Firedshy if you don't get over here and help me--"
"If ya don't let me view your premises, sir, the situation escalates, we'll hafta get a court order an' the police involved--"
"Fluttershy, I swear to sweet anchovy cakes, you are the most useless pony I have ever--"
"That's enough!"
The outburst got everyone's attention, including Fluttershy, who had scared herself by making it. With all eyes on her, she had no choice but to pony up, or at least draconequus up, and face the music. She put on her best calm expression and turned to Celestia.
"Ms. Inspector, honestly, there's nothing wrong with the food here. It's strange, yes, but it's in no way unhealthy."
"I just adore the stained glass fries!" Rarity sobbed.
"It's true," Twilight said, stepping forward. "I mean, everything here is odd, yes, but it tastes good and the effects are just cosmetic. They wear off after you're done eating." She laughed softly. "I never thought I'd be defending a weird place like this, but it's true. If you dig a little, in fact, you may find out that the reasons for your coming here were not exactly genuine."
"Hey," Rainbow Dash shouted, "that's a lie!"
"Wait a second," said Discord, "I know that voice!" A snap of his fingers and the fedora turned into bread pudding, revealing rainbow mane.
"You!" He pushed the fur up his arms and began stalking toward Rainbow Dash. "You little runt! I'll hit you with more than a restraining order this time! I've half a mind to turn you into a flock of seagulls!"
Fluttershy zipped out from behind the counter and pushed her eagle claw against Discord's chest. "And that's just about enough out of you, mister!" She glared at him. It was enough to actually get him to stop moving. "Your food may not be rotten, but you sure are! I'm tired of taking your constant abuse for minimum wage! I quit!"
Discord's jaw dropped and a small herd of flying reindeer emerged from it. "What?"
"You can have this job!" Fluttershy cried, and snapped her fingers. In an instant, she was back to her normal pony self, and Rainbow Dash's costume had mysteriously vanished. "Come on, Rainbow Dash," she said, grabbing the other pegasus's tail in her mouth. "We're going home."
Rainbow said nothing, allowing her friend to drag her out the door, looking rather stunned.
"Grmph fumf a grmp!" shouted Discord. As he struggled to remove the Mare-Do-Well costume, which had been wrapped around his head, he crashed into various decorations, upsetting potted houses and a stack of linoleum pretzels before landing in a heap behind the counter.
"Come on, Princess," Twilight said calmly. "I don't think your services are needed here anymore."
"Yeah, whatever." Celestia followed Twilight out the door, and Applejack and Pinkie Pie joined them.
Discord was finally able to get the offending clingy cloth off his face by turning it into powdered sugar. He sneezed white powder everywhere, looking up from behind the counter at his empty delicatessen.
"Well," he said to himself, "it looks like she wasn't so useless after all. I gotta admit, the kid's got spunk!" He laughed, hefted himself to his feet, and reentered the kitchen, ignoring the shrieks of the monkeys.
Rarity, her head on the table, pounded a hoof on it and wept.
"Why are they so goo-oo-ood?"
Author's Note
My writeoff entries have a bad tendency to sit around as WIPs long after the writeoffs finish, because with all the feedback I get, I usually have a whole crapload of work to do to fix them up, and really, who has time for that? :V But I just so happened to be thinking about this one -- I came up with a gag for it that I actually didn't end up using -- and I went and checked it out. Turns out, there was no feedback to use for it. So I checked the writeoff thread: nothing. People were so baffled by it that they had nothing useful to say.
"GOOD ENOUGH," said I, and now here we are, when I should really be writing for the current writeoff. :B
If you couldn't tell, this story has no particular point, it's just good clean random humor, with a healthy dose of absurdity and Rarity bleeding from the mouth. It has no relevance to canon (though the existence of Keep Calm and Flutter On does this story a nice turn). It actually existed for a long time as a two-line entry in my workfile:
Discord's Deli of Chaos
I don't even
I came up with the title in a pre-reader chat and everyone was like you should do that, but it wasn't until I saw this image as a prompt that everything fell into place. (I wrote a second, more serious story for that writeoff, which took second. That one's still languishing in "needs work" land.) So big thanks to SpiritShine, whoever they are, for providing that much needed inspiration, and to Pav Fiera for suggesting the cover art. :D
