Berry Punch Takes Manehattanby Samey90ChaptersIn Which Berry Sighs And Rolls Her EyesIn Which Teenage Lyra Heartstrings Says the C-wordIn Which Bon Bon Facehoofs Multiple Times And Even Lyra Facehoofs Once Or TwiceIn Which Berry Punch Takes ManehattanIn Which Berry Sighs And Rolls Her EyesBerry Punch slowly opened one eye. She could swear that her eyelid creaked like a rusty iron door that had been closed shortly after Princess Celestia was born. Her throat was dry like a desert, complete with sand, scorpions and some bearded pony trying to convince his companions that he was just given two stone boards with the list of cool things they totally shouldn’t do. She took a deep breath, causing a dust storm in her throat, and accidentally destroying a quite promising civilisation which just figured out how to build pyramids. Feeling her lungs expand, she tried to open her eyes again. “Great,” she whispered to herself, when she finally managed to accomplish that feat. “They put me in a coffin again.” A closer examination of the box she was in proved that either she was wrong, or the coffin she was in was, for some reason, made of fiberglass, painted white, and placed below a faucet. At least she didn’t have to get up to find a source of water. She simply (well, assuming that something can be simple with a pounding headache, bringing resemblance to a jackhammer drilling a hole in her skull) lifted her hoof and turned the tap. For a moment she was enjoying the stream of cold water pouring on her face. “Don’t forget to close it, I need to keep the bill collectors at bay…” She heard a tired voice coming from the floor. “Mhm,” she replied absent-mindedly. She lifted herself a bit and drank some water. As it entered her system, her brain cells started to finally cooperate on a level she was used to, preparing to execute the program “Berry_has_a_hangover.exe”, module “Regaining Orientation in Time and Space”. “Where am I?” she asked. It was, along with “Who am I?”, “Why there are bars in the window?” and “Why do I have a tattoo on my flank?”, one of those question ponies often ask, hoping in vain that the Universe would find the answer. Well, this time she was lucky. “In my bathtub,” the voice replied, slightly annoyed. “I figured it out myself. Where exactly am I?” “In my place, White Horse Street 42, Manehattan, Equestria.” The “Regaining Orientation in Time and Space” module encountered a critical error. It wasn’t unusual for Berry to wake up in weird places after a decent party, especially if it involved Vinyl Scratch, but they were usually located in one-mile radius from Ponyville. “What am I doing in Manehattan?” she asked. It was one of these questions that neither the Universe, nor the mysterious voice from the floor could comprehend. “I’d rather know what you’re doing in my bathtub…” “Geez, if you weren’t a stallion, I’d say that you’re Scratch. I guess it’s all her fault. It’s always her fault…” “Yeah, since she brought you here, I knew that this wouldn’t end well… And see? I spent a night on the floor.” “Wait… She brought me here?” “You, Octavia and those two...” Suddenly, images started to flash before Berry’s eyes. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling. “Vinyl Scratch…” she muttered through the gritted teeth, “You’ll pay me for that…” “So, it’ll be twenty bits, right?” Vinyl asked, taking the bottle and levitating the money. The liquor store owner nodded. “Okay, see you later,” she said and left the shop. Octavia, Berry, Lyra and Bon Bon were waiting for her. “So, what are we going to do now?” Octavia asked. Of all the ponies gathered, she looked the most interested in the bottle Vinyl was levitating. The DJ snickered – it was the first time Octavia agreed to drink with them. “Find some calm place and celebrate,” Lyra replied. She was carrying an old acoustic guitar on her back. The instrument was scratched and beaten up, the biggest dents covered by colourful stickers. Lyra actually got it after some bar brawl when somepony tried to smash it on her head, what explained its current state quite well. “What are we celebrating?” “Don’t you know?” Bon Bon smiled. “Vinyl and Lyra finally started talking to each other again after that barn incident.” “Incident? I almost lost an eye!” Lyra exclaimed. Bon Bon patted her head and kissed her cheek, causing Berry to groan. “Oh, how could I forget. They burned down my couch.” Octavia sighed. They walked to the park and found Lyra and Bon Bon’s favourite bench. “If we stay here long enough, we’ll watch the sunrise,” Vinyl said, levitating the bottle and opening it with her magic. She took a sip and passed it to Berry. Octavia took a deck of cards. “Poker?” she asked. Lyra poked Bon Bon gently. She didn’t react, save from collapsing on the grass, like a statue of Discord in Celestia’s garden after a hurricane. Vinyl sighed. “Earth pony liver, my flank…” she muttered. “We shouldn’t have changed the rules,” said Lyra. She put her hooves in her black hoodie’s pockets, sitting on a bench in a position that never ceased to amaze Vinyl, who’d give everything to have a marefriend who could bend her spine like that. “We shouldn’t have played ‘the one who loses, drinks’ with somepony who doesn’t know how to play…” “Yeah, I feel much too sober for my liking,” Berry groaned. “And now we’ll have to carry her home…” “Don’t worry, I can fix this,” said Lyra, “My music always makes her feel better.” She took a guitar and stroke a chord. The instrument was terribly out of tune, everypony winced, save from Berry, whose musical abilities were limited to blowing bottle tops. Lyra smiled sheepishly, conjured the tuning fork and started to tune the guitar – a hopeless task, because of its worn-out state. Finally, she reached an effect resembling the standard tune rather than the sound of a cat having indigestion. “Okay,” she said, “It’s a work in progress, so I want your honest opinions on it.” She started to play a rather lazy-paced tune, alternating between two chords in a manner similar to many Jamaneican guitarists. Vinyl took a tissue paper and a bag of some green leaves. Octavia shot her a nasty glare. “What? I’m getting into mood,” she said, levitating the makings and rolling a joint. “And you still wonder why we are only roommates…” Octavia sighed. “Well, that’s the fourth reason, right behind your obnoxiousness, idiocy, and the fact that you’re constantly ignoring me when I’m telling you that I’m heterosexual.” “It’s about flushing the toilet again, right? I apologised!” Lyra cleared her throat. “I’m trying to play here!” “Okay, okay, I’m shutting up,” said Vinyl and lit the joint. Lyra went back to playing ska strokes, this time a bit more aggressively, and finally started to sing: There was a farmhouse surrounded by grass, Where lived a stallion and a pretty lass. He was a guy, who had lots of class, And everyday he bucked her… trees, To bring the apples for her to squeeze. She made a cider so well and so quick, In a small farmhouse built of red brick, She brought him some cider for him to lick, And poured the rest on his tail and his… leg, ‘Cause she was ditzy and bumped into keg. “Sweet bucking baby Woona, shut up!” Bon Bon groaned, waking up. “See? I told you this would work,” Lyra smiled innocently, helping her marefriend to get up. “I need to take a walk…” Bon Bon slurred. “Good idea!” Vinyl shouted enthusiastically, blowing the smoke straight on Berry’s face. “Do that one more time,” the earth mare muttered, “And you will learn why there’s ‘Punch’ in my name…” “Oh, come on, Berry, you never smoked weed? Everypony did, even Octavia. And Lyra–” “Can we not talk about that?” Octavia asked, “I think I now know what Berry meant about being too sober.” “Really, Octavia, you too?” Berry rolled her eyes. “I have a daughter, right? I’m trying to be a role model for her.” “Yeah, right…” Vinyl smirked, “You drink like a fish who had too much chili and your daughter is now on vacation with auntie Minuette instead of–” “I’m trying, okay?” Berry sighed and drank the rest of the alcohol from the bottle. “I’m not drinking that much. Not when Pinch is around. I once drank some punch from the bowl during a party, but it was because earlier that day Apple Bloom tried to sexually harass me with a bunch of apples and I was a bit traumatised. Then she saw me drinking it and I got a reputation.” “Let’s *hic* kill Apple Bloom!” Bon Bon exclaimed, trying to gallop to Sweet Apple Acres. She failed miserably, due to her motor cortex neurons still being affected by ethanol. Vinyl and Lyra approached her and helped her to get up on her hooves. “I think we should walk her home,” Octavia said. They all got up and headed to the gate of the park. “And Vinyl, please, don’t blow smoke in Lyra’s face.” “It’s okay,” Lyra replied, inhaling the smoke. “I don’t know why do you think that I shouldn’t–” “Sparkler’s 18th birthday,” Octavia deadpanned. “By Discord’s kidneys!” Vinyl exclaimed, panicked. She quickly spat the joint on the ground and stomped on it, giving Lyra a worried look. Berry stared at them, confused. “Umm… should I ask?” “Oh, just college days,” Octavia explained, “It was just Vinyl being Vinyl and Lyra doing funny things while stoned.” “Everypony does funny things while stoned,” Lyra said. “Yeah, but your funny things are… how to explain that? Well, look at exhibit A: Vinyl Scratch,” she pointed at the DJ, who was just laughing to herself, jumping up and down on a path. “While she’s dumber than usual, she’s mostly harmless.” Lyra nodded. Octavia continued: “You, on the other hoof, fell into a cauldron with a magic weed when you were a filly. Since then you get ideas.” “Wait,” Berry interrupted. “You’re trying to tell me that Vinyl actually was in a college?” “Yep. Canterlot High, although more high than Canterlot, actually. But she even graduated.” “See?” Vinyl suddenly appeared next to Berry, who jumped backwards, startled. “I’m not dumb! I was a DJ in the school radio, I was even in theater group! Why, oh why you keep pestering me, undertaker’s daughter, bringing fresh flowers to my grave? How about you?” “Hold your horses, William Flankspeare of our generation,” Berry deadpanned, “Actually, I am an engineer. I wrote a paper about Saccharomyces cerevisiae.” “Sa… what?” “Yeast, my little pony, yeast. Used in winemaking.” “Well, that was predictable,” Lyra said with an uncanny smile on her face. They already left the park and were walking next to the liquor store where Vinyl had bought the vodka. “How about we buy another bottle?” “Sure, why not,” Berry said. “I’ll need much more to manage being next to Vinyl for the rest of the night…” With these words, she entered the shop. Octavia looked at Lyra and noticed a subtle change of her expression. Both unicorns were supporting Bon Bon, whose face was now slightly green. Vinyl was partially in her own world, looking at the stars above them. Lyra was smiling unconsciously, looking into the distance. “Hey guys, guess what,” Berry said, coming out of the shop. “I told this guy to surprise me, and he gave me this.” She showed them a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag. “You shouldn't have said that. Last time I told somepony to surprise me, I woke up with a changeling in my bed,” Vinyl said. “That was when that sexy princess got married. You know, the one who’s second on my “Ponies I Want To Bang” list.” “Who is first?” Lyra asked. Octavia shot her a death glare. “I see that at least somepony had fun when I was running away from the herd of changelings and Lyra woke up in the caves with Minuette and Twinkleshine, looking for a bunch of flowers…” Berry deadpanned. “It was a male changeling.” “So? Don’t tell me that you don’t swing that way. Remember that dragon in Neighpon?” “Mhm… But changelings are out of question. Have you ever seen changeling’s wankie?” For a moment Berry looked at her, confused, before she understood what Vinyl meant. “No… I guess I haven’t had time for that. I was more focused on other parts. Like fangs, for example.” “They practice traumatic insemination. It looks like a hammer drill.” “Ugh…” Octavia shuddered. She always had a vivid imagination, which was usually very helpful. However, vivid images of changelings’ private parts weren’t something she’d like to see. “So, what did you do?” Berry asked. “I beat the crap out of him and tried to make him transform into something more pleasing to my eye, but he couldn’t get Octavia right, so I left him unconscious in the hotel and went to my turntables where I fell asleep. Then Pinkie woke me up.” “Berry, can you open that bottle? I have to get some mental image out of my head,” Octavia deadpanned. “Here you are.” “Cheers, luv.” Octavia drank some alcohol from the mysterious bottle and winced. “Cor blimey!” she exclaimed, choking. “That’s some bloody rocket fuel…” “Yeah, I already feel as if I was in Trottingham…” Lyra muttered. Octavia passed her the bottle. The unicorn took a sip and swallowed hard. “Well, that’s proper good…” she whispered as soon as she was able to breathe again. “Proper,” Octavia corrected, pronouncing the word with no trace of the final ‘r’, “But don’t worry, luv, I’ll make a proper Cockneigh of you, then we’ll send Vinyl to Coventry and Bob will be your uncle.” “Where’s Coventry?” Vinyl asked. “And who’s Bob?” Octavia only sighed. Lyra levitated the bottle to Bon Bon, but reconsidered passing it to her, seeing that she was now leaning against the wall. She was probably asking herself some deep, philosophical questions about life, universe and everything, including, but not limited to such things as how to end the world hunger, how prices of gems in the Griffon Empire influenced the demand for lemons in Zebrica, and if the pavement was a good place to revisit her supper. Lyra decided not to disturb her and passed the bottle to Berry, who took a sip with a straight face and gave it to Vinyl. The DJ levitated the bottle and chugged from it, enjoying the moment of feeling the taste of liquor on her tongue, dripping into her throat and warming up her stomach. She closed her eyes, hoping for that moment to last forever. Then she recognised the taste and almost spat everything out. “For Celestia’s pituitary gland, what have you bought Berry…” she gasped. “Something’s wrong?” “It’s made of mandrake…” “So? Are you allergic? Should we shove a pipe up your throat to prevent you from suffocating?” “Not so fast, you don’t deserve the right of shoving anything in any hole in my body. I mean that after mandrake booze, you can, hmm…” She stood up in attention and recited: “Side effects include: loquacity, logical thinking deficiency, tachycardia, tachypnoe, delirium, increased libido, seeing funny things.” “What funny things?” Octavia asked, looking at Lyra unsurely. “Fairies, unicorns… You know, like Sparkler’s 18th birthday, but on acid.” “Will you ever bugger off?” Lyra asked, glaring at her angrily. “I apologised.” “Lyra, sweetheart, you still get the accent wrong,” Octavia chuckled. “By the way, I always thought that Sparkler’s 18th birthday was on acid…” “No, it wasn’t acid, it was just Lyra and her inexplicable animosity towards bathtubs.” “I can *hic* see four unicorns…” Bon Bon slurred, “Two are green and two are white… Damn unicorns, why you so scary?” “Not that kind of unicorns… If you see, dunno, pink fluffy unicorns, dancing on rainbows, don’t believe them. These guys are usually up to no good.” “Well, it’s too late anyway,” Berry said, “We all drank this stuff. Give me the bottle, Vinyl, apparently we’re going on a trip together, so I want to have a drink.” “One… two… three...” “Five,” the pony sitting behind the ticket counter prompted. “Okay, five,” Octavia said, trying to focus on the pony and not on the fact that all the words she said were now floating around her like colourful balloons. “Where does the next train go?” “Manehattan,” the pony deadpanned. He had seen way too many passengers in his life to care about these five mares, of which none seemed to be right in the head. “Okay, so… one… two…” “Five.” “Five tickets to Manehattan.” “I’m telling you, mate, it’s a bloody good idea,” Lyra said. “I, like, haven’t been in this bloody town for ages.” “Yeah, you also have never been in Trottingham in the whole life, ma’am,” the cashier muttered. A bit too loud, or Lyra’s hearing improved after drinking a fair share of the mandrake booze. “So? Am I bovvered?” Does my face look bovvered? Am I–” Octavia smacked her, knocking her down, and grinned nervously at the cashier. “I’m sorry for her. She usually isn’t so, umm… mentally challenged, at least in comparison to Vinyl.” “Still ain’t bovvered!” Lyra shouted from the floor. She stopped when Octavia stomped on her. “Yeah, I see,” said the cashier, his face expressing pure indifference. “Are you sure you want to go to Manehattan, ma’am?” “Of course,” Octavia replied, “It’s my mate’s idea.” “Which one?” the cashier asked, looking at the mares sitting on the benches and, in case of Lyra, lying on the ground. Berry, thanks to her almost indestructible liver, looked the most sober of them; her state greatly improved since the Flutter Ponies that were pestering her for the last twenty minutes flew away. Vinyl, on the other hoof, was now somewhere in outer space, judging by occasional murmurs, such as “Good evening, Nightmare Moon! What a nice weather we have today. The void is always so refreshing after coronal mass ejections,” or “Wooow, from a position I am standing I can see Uranus in a close proximity…” Her state was worrying Octavia – it wasn’t common for her to use words that were three syllables or longer, the sole exception being “pornography”. Bon Bon, who was the only non-high member of the party, was nodding off. “My new bestie’s, of course!” Octavia laughed, poking Lyra with her hoof. The green unicorn reacted with a stream of invectives, mostly with blatantly fake Trottingham accent. “Yeah,” the cashier replied. “I can see that you get on really well. Here are your tickets.” “Thank you, sweetheart.” Octavia waved at him and trotted to her friends. “Move your flanks mates, we have ten minutes… Vinyl are you still on Uranus?” “I just crashed my cutting-edge, faster-than-light rocket into it.” “Faster than light?” Berry chuckled, “Just like my ex. Too bad his rocket wasn’t in the same wormhole as yours, though, of course, Pinch is my beloved little filly.” Suddenly Bon Bon groaned. Everypony turned to her. “I’m shorry,” she slurred. “But yer wormholes…” She hiccuped. “I’m only intereshted in one wormhole…” She pulled Lyra closer to her. “See what you’ve done?” the green unicorn said, trying to free herself. “You just had to pull that big, red lever labelled ‘Bonnie the Drunk Pervert’, and now there’s only one way to turn her off, and I can’t do it in front of you…” “I haven’t been pulling any levers recently, no matter of their colour and size,” said Vinyl with sadness in her voice. “How about your rocket?” Octavia asked innocently, “There surely are some levers in it.” “I told you I crashed it…” “Hmm, if I recall correctly, you already crashed it twice this evening,” Lyra observed. Bon Bon was still hugging her tightly, but at least she stopped trying to wander southwards with her hoof. “IT IS A CYCLICAL PROCESS, FOOL!” Vinyl shouted, making a theatrical pose. Everypony looked at her. “Sorry,” she muttered. “I felt like in a theater group again.” “I think it’s because you don’t pull enough levers,” Octavia commented, giggling. “At the moment, I’d rather push some buttons, but unfortunately, the only engineer who can repair my rocket’s hyperdrive decided to stay on the Straight Planet.” “Oh, come on… There are so many mares around and you just have to keep bovv– I mean, bothering me?” “Hmm…” Vinyl looked around and her eyes focused on Lyra, who had to slap Bon Bon’s hoof again. “Lyra, honey, I guess when we get on a train you and Bon Bon will want to, umm… work on your relationship a bit. Would you like to perform a little experi–” “I’m not letting you touch my buttons,” Lyra replied quickly. “And we’re not going to shag on a train!” “Why not?” Bon Bon asked, “I want to shag on a train! Why haven’t we shagged on a train yet, Lyra?” “Bonnie, you do realise that you live only because I haven’t decided if I hate you or Vinyl more right now?” “Hey, but why not a train? We did it on Berry’s kitchen table, why not a train?” “Vinyl, Octavia, do you, by any chance, want to buy a kitchen table?” Berry asked. “We didn’t, Berry!” Lyra said quickly. “We have it on tape…” Bon Bon slurred. Vinyl stared at her in awe, but at the same time Lyra finally lost it: she stood up and smacked Bon Bon with her hoof. It wasn’t very strong, but enough for the yellow mare to fell off the bench. “Aww…” Vinyl cooed, while Octavia was helping Bon Bon to get up. “I know that left hook well…” “Ask me about that tape and you’ll get to know it better,” said Lyra, fire raging in her eyes. “Oh, beat me, while speaking naughty words in Pferdisch...” “I’m sorry to interrupt your little BDSM session,” Berry deadpanned, “But if you still wanna go to Manehattan, our train just arrived.” Berry felt her train of thoughts got a bit derailed, something she usually associated with the process of sobering up. Normally, she’d just sleep through that phase, shooing away all the dark, depressive thoughts she usually had while it lasted. Too bad, sleeping in a compartment proved to be quite difficult, with five mares trying to recline on the narrow seats. Her friends also didn’t help her falling asleep. Just after they left Ponyville, Lyra decided to piss off Bon Bon more, and kissed Vinyl, who was probably even more surprised by that fact that any other of her friends. Bon Bon’s reaction, however, was totally unexpected – she opened the window, stuck her head outside the carriage and threw up. Berry wasn’t very surprised by that fact – after all, Bon Bon was the most intoxicated of them all. She was actually more surprised by the fact that Lyra managed to kiss Vinyl without following her seemingly ex-marefriend. Especially after the DJ looked at the window, paying special attention to the green and yellow fluid covering the other side of the pane. “You know, it reminds me how I visited the modern art gallery in Canterlot…” she said, “Remember, Octy? That dude’s paintings looked exactly the same…” Octavia looked at the window, her face suddenly becoming pale. In combination with her raven mane it gave an effect similar to the mares from the past, fainting at least twice a day, wearing tight corsets, and dying from tuberculosis at the age of twenty two – best age for an important aristocrat’s daughter to die and still look pretty and young in the coffin. Of course, pretty for those ponies who were wont to attend the funerals to admire the mare’s beauty and weren’t above some physical work with a shovel in the middle of the night, after the bereaved family went home. Lack of scoleciphobia was also a vital trait, as well as courage and ability to create an atmospheric entourage. In fact, some aristocrats of the past made an art of doing weird and ambiguously moral things and calling them ‘eccentric.’ That definitely sounded better that ‘strange’ or ‘weird,’ not to mention ‘queer’ or ‘sick buck’. “I think I’m gonna be sick…” Octavia said, her voice being the faintest whisper, like the sound of the cello string snapping. “Not here, this is my modern art…” Bon Bon muttered. Octavia gave out a small grunt, something resembling a crack of concrete in a hydroelectric dam, slowly eroded by incoming water. She quickly turned back and ran out of the compartment. Vinyl looked behind her, till she disappeared behind the toilet door. “You know,” she said, “I could never understand ponies who take themselves romantic photos on the tracks. If you know how toilets on a train work…” Lyra rolled her eyes. Actually, deep inside her brain, violated by ethanol, slightly battered by THC, and bathed in mandrake alkaloids, she started to regret that she quarreled with Bon Bon, but now it was a choice between her and Vinyl, who at least smelled nice. After a short discussion with her neurons, when glial cell decided to form a small, albeit noisy opposition, she decided to call it a night and sleep by Vinyl’s side, leaving all the pondering for the next day. Octavia came back and, without saying much, she sat on her seat and fell asleep shortly after, resting her head against Bon Bon’s side. Berry sighed. She just couldn’t go to sleep as easily as her friends and felt that she’d spend the rest of the ride in company of Vinyl, whose nocturnal lifestyle and tendency to become garrulous were legendary. She didn’t have to wait long for the DJ to break the awkward silence. “Do you know that on a train everypony is a philosopher?” “Yeah, I’m so keen on philosophy, especially when I’m half drunk, can’t sleep, and my only companion who is awake happens to be an obnoxious DJ. Can we get through this ride without you talking? Please?” “Oh, if you don’t like philosophy, we can always play a game.” “No games either. My mind is too occupied with the thought that I forgot about something.” “We’re travelling to Manehattan, because my brand new marefriend told us so. I guess we all forgot about common sense.” Berry muttered a curse under her breath. For the first time in her life she had to admit that Vinyl was right. “So, if I helped you clear your mind, can we play a game?” Berry sighed and rolled her eyes. She had recently noticed that her daughter also had that habit. “Okay,” she said, “But I’m doing it only because I want to kill some time…” “Okay, so I’d kill Bon Bon, marry Octavia and buck Lyra,” said Vinyl, stretching her hooves and patting sleeping Lyra’s head. Berry wanted to sigh and roll her eyes, but she stopped halfway through, remembering how her parents warned her not to do that, showing her her pegasus classmate, who apparently was rolling her eyes so much that one of them finally got stuck. Berry was never listening to her parents. After she grew up and started her own vineyard, she immediately hired the grey pegasus, who, as the bubbles on her flanks indicated, was very good at making champagne. “And for you…” Vinyl continued, “Those kids who will carry Ponyville flag during Equestria Games.” “Geez, Vinyl, stop being creepy, okay? They’re my daughter’s classmates…” Vinyl ignored her, saying instead: “Because I’d kill Scootaloo for smoking in Octavia’s garden, buck Sweetie Belle, because she’s so cute, and marry Apple Bloom – she’s so smart, remember how she stung us for fifty bits?” “Yeah… That’s actually funny, because I’d kill her for the same reason…” “Oh, I forgot.” Vinyl again made an actress-like pose and recited: “All the horrors which have befallen me, well, Apple Bloom is to blame…” “Can you stop doing that? I don’t know if you got the memo, so I’ll tell you: Ponies. Don’t. Eat. Ham.” “I ate ham once,” said Vinyl, “On a dare, in a griffonian restaurant.” “And how it was?” Berry asked. Even though Vinyl was sometimes annoying, she was also quite useful for ponykind – she was doing stupid things so other ponies didn’t have to. “Well, it was, like, one of the best things I did in my life, except maybe a threesome with kirin twins. Too bad, I later spent the whole day sitting on a toilet. Totally worth it though, but it was, like… Hmm... Have you ever seen Neighara Falls?” Berry groaned. Of course she’d seen Neighara Falls, but now she felt that she’d never look at it the same way again. “Can we not talk about it?” she asked, “Give me another three. I’d prefer adult stallions.” “Okay…” Vinyl thought for a moment. “Time Turner, Caramel, Big Macintosh.” “Hmm… Kill Caramel, because he’s my neighbour and he and Sassaflash are a bit noisy, buck Time Turner because he’s adorable, and marry Big Macintosh, for two reasons.” “Well, I can see only one, but I have to admit that it’s one of the biggest reasons I’ve seen in my life, and remember that kirins have many dragon traits.” Berry sighed and almost rolled her eyes. She thought briefly about some novel she’d read, whose protagonist kept rolling her eyes. Then she remembered that after reading she hid that book in her closet, hoping that Berry Pinch would never find it. “Well, the second reason is that if I married him, Apple Bloom would become my sister-in-law and it would be easier for me to make it look like an accident.” “You’re monothematic.” “Said the pony who keeps talking about pulling levers, clicking buttons, kirins’ reasons and her own bowel movements.” “But I at least want to, like, spread love to the world. Kirins, zebras, mares, stallions… I don’t hate anyone, even you’re welcome.” “No thanks. I’ve seen enough Petri dishes in a microbiology lab.” “Hey! It’s not funny!” Vinyl shouted. Octavia opened one eye and muttered something groggily. “Sorry,” Berry said, “I know, sometimes I should shut up.” “Yeah… Now I know why Minuette is the only pony who can put up with you. She’s, like, Element of Patience or something…” “A trait of every good dentist. But, actually I’ve seen her losing it once.” “No way!” Vinyl exclaimed. Lyra snored a little louder and sink her face in her coat. “Minuette losing it? It’s like, dunno, seeing Fluttershy clubbing baby seals. Even if somepony calls her ‘Colgate’ repeatedly, she only sighs and rolls her eyes.” Is it infectious? Berry thought. She stared into Vinyl’s red eyes, but it didn’t seem that she wanted to roll them in a foreseeable future. Then she thought that Vinyl wasn’t the best test subject – there was no such thing in the world that would be crazy, immoral, creepy, disgusting, or retarded enough for Vinyl Random Scratch to sigh and roll her eyes. “Well, there was a guy from Prance we met at the party,” she said, “He kept forgetting that there’s ‘u’ in her name,” she made a weird expression and continued in an angry, high-pitched voice: “Call me ‘Minette’ one more time and I’ll tie you in my basement and perform a root canal on all your teeth!” “And what he said?” Vinyl asked, giggling. “He thought she invited him for… how you call it?” “Umm… having a lunch box? Eating peaches? Munching a carpet?” “Why did I ask…” “You know, I actually knew one mare, her name was Cunning Linguist… She had to wear clothes because her cutie mark was considered inappropriate for little fillies to see. But, I have to admit, she had a talent…” “Vinyl, you really want me to be scarred for life… And I’m not even drunk enough to forget this conversation.” “In fact, you look pretty sober. Is it morning already?” “It seems so.” Berry looked through the window, ignoring a dry, sickeningly green stain in the middle of the pane. The sun was rising, and she could see the bay – they were just crossing the bridge. “It’s time to wake up our Sleeping Beauties.” Sleeping Beauties soon turned into the trio of annoyed, hung over mares, smelling of sweat, alcohol, and, in one case, vomit. When Vinyl saw them, with dishevelled manes, bags under their eyes, and with aching muscles, unable to crack their backs – carriages aren’t the most comfortable places to sleep – she thought that if they were given a cauldron and put in some cave, they’d probably start to tell prophecies to every Scottish thane that would happen to wander nearby. “Can anypony tell me,” Lyra grunted, “Who had that bucking brilliant idea to go to Manehattan?” “Our bucking brilliant ideas specialist…” Octavia replied, drinking water Vinyl bought when they left the railway station. “Scratch?” she looked at Vinyl with disdain. “Hey!” the DJ shouted, causing Bon Bon to wince and cover her ears with her hooves, which wasn’t an easy thing to do for a quadrupedal being. “After we kissed… After I let you use my flank as a pillow… You do such things to me?” “What have I told you about ponies and ham?” Berry muttered. “Well, that explains the taste in my mouth…” Lyra continued, and spat on the ground. “Lyra, while it’s all blurry here, I have a feeling that it was your idea to go to Manehattan…” Octavia said, ignoring the fact that Lyra and Vinyl were currently aiming their horns at one another. “What? Couldn’t you stop me?” “I’m sorry, Lyra, but stopping you when you’re intoxicated and get an idea is like trying to stop a freight train by jumping on the tracks. It’s possible but then your liver is closer to your brain than it should be. What’s more, we were also in the state when every idea seems good. Just like Sparkler’s 18th birthday,” Vinyl explained. “I’m sorry,” Berry said, “But can somepony explain to me what’s going on with Sparkler’s 18th birthday?” “Maybe later,” Vinyl replied. “Dunno how about you, but I think we all could use a shower. And I know a great place to do that. I can only tell you that it was one of the rare cases when I was the least retarded one.” “Yeah, apart of the fact that it was your fault,” Octavia muttered. “It was Lyra’s fault. Nopony made her eat those cookies.” “Can you stop?” Bon Bon asked, “I’d like to take a shower too. Where can we go?” “My brother lives here,” said Vinyl. “We only need to get a cab…” “Oh no, another Scratch?” Berry groaned and rolled her eyes. Then she grunted with frustration when she realised that she did it again. She started to wonder if she should visit a doctor and ask him about that. “Don’t worry, he’s a nerd. Now, where’s some...” She stepped into the line of ponies waiting for the taxi to come. Berry, also excited by the thought of hot water, decided to make it a bit faster. She bumped into a stallion who was first in line and overtook him. “Hey!” he shouted, “What in Tartarus are you doing?” “Skipping the queue, can’t you see?” “Of course I can!” “Then why you ask?” “Because nopony can skip the line! Even if you were a princess, you’d have to wait for–” “Well, I’m not a pony, I’m a balloon,” Berry said with a barely noticeable giggle, “Blow me.” She sat in a taxi that just stopped by them. The rest of her friends followed her, Lyra sitting on Bon Bon’s laps – apparently, what happened in Ponyville stayed in Ponyville. Vinyl sat next to them and looked at Octavia with hope in her eyes, but, unfortunately for her, the seat was big enough for her to sit next to the rest of her friends. “White Horse Street, 42,” Vinyl said to the taxi driver. The carriage moved, overtaking few other taxis. Soon, they left the city centre and headed to the Neighponese district. “Your brother lives here?” Octavia asked, watching a pair of kirins walking down the pavement. “Unfortunately not,” the DJ replied, “I keep telling him that he should move to some house next to some cute, Neighponese brothel, but he doesn’t listen to me. Sometimes I think he’s gay.” “Well, I wouldn’t be surprised…” Berry deadpanned. “Actually, he’s not. When we were in college, we had a competition, who’d bang more mares.” Everypony facehoofed. Well, almost everypony, as Lyra looked at Vinyl with interest. She was always fascinated with that trait of the DJ’s personality that some ponies called “being overly honest”, while some other ponies, like Berry, called it “sheer idiocy of an erotomaniac-story teller.” “And who won?” she asked. “Me, of course! Though hold your dirty minds, it wasn’t a very impressive competition. Two to one, actually, and he still says that Twilight Sparkle doesn’t count.” “You what, mate?” Octavia exclaimed, “Seriously, after that trip I won’t be able to look into the eyes of half of Ponyville…” “Well, he says that it doesn’t count, since she came to me first and said that she want to check something. Like, an experiment. Then things escalated quickly. Well, don’t tell him that, but actually, we only kissed a few times and that was it.” “Too bad, we’d have such a great blackmail material,” Bon Bon said, “I wonder who was that second lucky mare…” “Me.” Lyra smiled sheepishly. “It was a stage of me discovering my, umm… preferences.” The whole world held its breath. Bon Bon looked at Lyra. Lyra looked back at Bon Bon. Octavia looked at Vinyl. Vinyl tried to look as innocent as she could. It wasn’t easy, as her innocent expression was similar to, for example, Nightmare Moon’s, when she was telling ponies that all she wanted was the greater good. Berry sighed and rolled her eyes. Author's Note It was supposed to be a one-shot, but it got out of control... In Which Teenage Lyra Heartstrings Says the C-wordAuthor's Note Watch out, ponies having sex ahead. Also, this chapter is even dumber than the first one. In Which Teenage Lyra Heartstrings Says the C-word The taxi left the Neighponese district and stopped in front of some old, four-storey building. Vinyl paid the cabbie, who left quickly, as the neighbourhood looked quite shady. At least one taxi-driver a week was going missing there, not to be heard from again. It was Saturday and all his colleagues were alive last time he checked, so he decided not to tempt fate. “Okay,” Vinyl muttered, “He lives on the third floor.” They climbed up the stairs. Only few months ago, they’d be stopped and interrogated by the landlord, an old, ill-natured mare, but she recently passed away after some accident involving a kitchen sink, washing machine, and her grandson, a kind, likeable colt who happened to be a cultist of Nightmare Moon. None of the tenants paid attention to the fact that she stopped collecting rent some time ago. “Hmm, I guess I can sense the unique signature of the Scratch family,” Octavia said, looking at the door to one of the flats. A piece of paper was pinned to it. She trotted closer to it and read: You’re entering the grounds of Long Play the Cruel. Repo ponies, peddlers, secret agents and aliens will be shot and sold to Griffonian restaurants. If you’re one of those thirteen runty folk metal fans – I’m not going for any adventure with you! Have a nice day. “Seems like a nice guy,” Lyra commented. “You’ll see,” Vinyl said and banged at the door. “Come out, imbecile, your little sis came to visit you!” “Get the buck out!” “Don’t worry, it’s only temporary problem,” said Vinyl to her friends, “I know how to talk with him.” She turned back to the door and shouted: “Your last album sucks Queen Chrysalis’ tits!” The door immediately opened. The unicorn stallion who stood in it was slightly darker than Vinyl, he had red mane and blue eyes, hidden behind red-tinted sunglasses. Berry immediately thought that it was probably something that any member of the Scratch family had to do: build a house, plant a tree, have a son, and rob a sunglasses factory. He also had a golden earring in his left ear. “You should listen to your last album,” he said in an annoyed tone, “It sucks so much that I use it instead of a vacuum cleaner.” “‘Tis the truth,” Berry whispered to Octavia, “One mare gave birth to both of them…” “Well, that explains why your place is so dirty!” Vinyl shouted, “Also, what were you thinking while choosing guest stars? Really, bro? Sapphire Shores?” “I could never understand what do you have against Sapphire…” “It’s like, you ended on this album, like Maretallica ended on ‘Kill ‘em All’! Mainstream manure matching masses’ musical taste. Really, nopony in MTV Equestria was interested in my new album, they kept asking me if you rutted Sapphire Shores!” “I guess it’s some kind of family feud…” Octavia whispered. “I’d rather call it ‘pissing contest’, but we can agree on ‘family feud’, if you like,” Bon Bon replied. “I said that of course, four times a day, and we have a threesome every Thursday. I guess I can’t get another restraining order for that?” “You’d better check your guest stars! I mean, who the fuck is Lyra Heartstrings?” Lyra cleared her throat. “Lyra Heartstrings, at your service,” she deadpanned, looking directly in Long Play’s eyes. There’s an old story about a pony, who looked into the eyes of Death himself, and came back to tell a tale. At the moment, Long Play could see exactly how that pony felt. “Oh, I remember you…” he stuttered, “Well, you can come in, as long as you won’t be doing anything to my bathtub.” “Okay, don’t worry. By the way, I think I’ll call my next album ‘Who The Fuck Is Lyra Heartstrings’...” She smiled and blinked at him. He sighed with relief. “And about you, sis…” he turned to Vinyl. “You’re the most obnoxious, annoying, bucked-up runt in the world, but I love you.” “Love you too, bro. Even though your music is the worst thing that happened to ponykind since the malfunction of sanitation system in Cloudsdale.” “I heard the same thing about your music…” Their quarrel continued when they entered the flat. It looked similarly to Vinyl’s room in Ponyville – speakers, vinyl records and old copies of Playcolt were scattered around the floor and furniture. Bon Bon went to bathroom to take a shower, while Lyra found a can of beer somewhere, sat on the couch and opened it. Berry wasn’t surprised. She sometimes thought that Lyra was partially a genie – she was always magically appearing after somepony opened a bottle. Yet, she never got the ‘three wishes’ part, unless somepony wished to have a weird conversation about conspiracy theories or unknown parts of Equestria’s history. “Breakfast of champions?” Berry asked, “Even I don’t start that early…” “I have to wash the Scratch’s taste off my mouth.” “Wow, sis, I never thought you can be so faithful.” Long Play smirked. “It’s been, like, six years and you two are still together?” “We are not,” said Vinyl, “Actually it’s a bit complicated… You see, Lyra is now with…” “Aaaa!” They heard Bon Bon’s high-pitched scream from the bathroom. “She saw your toilet…” Vinyl deadpanned. “Is it also genetic?” Octavia asked, shaking her head. “No way, I cleaned it recently… I guess she found Betty.” “Who’s Betty?” Octavia asked, her eyes wide. If Long Play was similar to his sister, Betty could be everything, from a dead foal floating in a jar of formaldehyde, to a skeleton of a long-dead ancestor of the Scratch family hanging upside-down from the ceiling. The cellist recalled her own fillyhood and shuddered. “My tarantula. I couldn’t find it anywhere.” “Don’t worry, I got this,” said Lyra. She slowly drank the rest of the beer, crushed the can and put it on the coffee table. Then she trotted to the bathroom. “What’s going on, Bonnie?” “There’s a body in the bathtub!” “Oh crap!” Long Play exclaimed and galloped to the bathroom, more afraid of Lyra being in close proximity to his bathtub than the fact that somepony died in it. When he entered the bathroom, he saw Bon Bon sitting on Lyra’s back and trembling in fear. The green unicorn was poking an orange stallion, whose face was covered with a hat, lying in the bathtub. “He’s alive,” she said, “He’s just more plastered than you, Bonnie.” “It’s Grumpy,” Long Play explained, “We had a small party yesterday.” He leaned to the sleeping stallion and shouted: “Wake up, Grumpy! You should be home, feeding your cat!” Grumpy opened his eyes and looked at them half-consciously. “Yyyyou b-brought ladies?” he asked and reached his hoof to Lyra. “Hello, sweetheart…” “Touch me and I’ll twist your family jewels in a way that is not anatomically possible,” she deadpanned. “Party’s over, Grumpy,” said Long Play, “Go home, you’re drunk.” “Yessssssir…” Grumpy stood up and staggered out of the bathroom, faceplanting in the hall. Vinyl helped him to get up and led him to the door. Judging by the sounds, he fell off the stairs just after he left the flat. “Can I wash myself now?” Bon Bon asked. “Yes, just remember that if you find a tarantula, her name’s Betty and she’s more scared of you than you’re of her.” “I’ll keep that in mind.” Soon, they all were clean. Long Play, in spite of his place’s mediocre state, had a well-stocked fridge, and Vinyl was a good cook, so the breakfast was also of decent quality. “So, what are you going to do now?” Long Play asked, “Some sightseeing? A movie night?” “If your taste in movies is better than Vinyl’s…” Octavia said, “Last time I let her choose movies, we ended up watching ‘Royal Guards’ Casting Couch III’.” “No spoilers!” he exclaimed, “I haven’t seen the second part yet.” “Don’t worry, bro, the action didn’t really move forward since the first one,” Vinyl said, “Also, Octy, when you made me watch ‘Saving Private Braeburn’ I had nightmares for a week.” “What nightmares?” Berry asked. “I had a dream that I became a gunner on an airship and Cloudchaser was trying to shoot me.” “Who is Cloudchaser?” “She’s that sweet pegasus with crazy mane, who totally bangs her own sister.” “Ahh, this one. She doesn’t bang her sister.” “No?” Vinyl’s face expressed pure disappointment. “But they look so cute together…” “Listen, Vinyl, here’s the biggest database of gossip in Ponyville.” Berry pointed at her head. “Gabby Gums can kiss my flanks. If anypony in town bangs their siblings, parents, pets or some unlucky tourists kept in basement, I’m the first to know about that, trust me.” “And how about Aloe and Lotus? They surely–” “Listen, Vinyl, do you have any unresolved issues regarding incest? Because we can fix it while we’re still in Manehattan…” “Of course not,” Vinyl turned to Long Play, “Sorry, bro, I just don’t love you that much.” “Thank Celestia,” he sighed. “I think we’d better go sightseeing first,” said Lyra, “What wrong can possibly happen?” “This is so wrong on so many levels…” Vinyl muttered, looking at the terrible abomination in front of her. “Oh, come on,” Octavia said, “It’s not that bad. Ponies in Canterlot eat that all the time.” “Do I look like a pony from Canterlot?” Vinyl sighed. The fact that Lyra and Bon Bon made it up was an additional blow for her. “Well, you played on Princess Cadance’s wedding,” Long Play said, “By the way, can you introduce me to her? She’s hot…” “As soon as we get home, I’m writing a letter to Shining Armor,” Berry announced, carefully prodding the food in front of her with a fork. “He should know about a unicorn sibling that wants to fornicate with his wife.” “He can join us too, I don’t mind. I almost did his sister, after all.” “What do you mean by ‘almost’?” Long Play asked Vinyl, “You described me in detail what you did with Twilight Sparkle and now you’re saying that you lied to me?” “Pissing contest, round two,” Bon Bon deadpanned. “I didn’t! I told you what would happen if she hadn’t decided that she wasn’t into mares after all! But otherwise, we’d totally bang!” Vinyl shouted, much to the other restaurant’s guests’ dismay. The citizens of Manehattan were used to many weird things, like ponies randomly bursting into songs and swinging around street lamps, but ponies claiming that they did nasty things to members of royalty (usually all of them) were sooner or later put in a special room, where the attentive personnel was carefully checking on the inmates, preventing them from hurting themselves, and where there were no knobs at the doors, just in case. “Umm… Maybe we’ll discuss this later?” Lyra proposed, “I wanted to see the Statue of Liberty without any of you trying to push another one off of it.” “Okay, but you’ll give me that ten bits back, sis!” They finished the dinner in silence and went down the Bridleway. Lyra started humming some tune to the rhythm of her hoofsteps. “Are you going to sing?” Vinyl asked, “You know, I always wanted to walk down the street singing and watch the crowd of ponies joining me.” “I have to remind you that we live in a town where such things happen at least twice a week,” Berry said. “Oh, come on… Nothing ever happens in Ponyville.” “Yeah, except Nightmare Moon, Discord harrassing me with a pepper shaker, plants trying to deflower me, and Twilight Sparkle when she’s off her meds. Totally nothing.” “Wait,” Lyra said, “You have a daughter, so how those plants could–” “Let’s say that if I were Princess Luna, they’d try to attack the dark side of the Moon, okay?” Lyra nodded. Astronomy wasn’t her thing, but she enjoyed astronomical analogies even more than Vinyl, who, after all, spent a large part of the previous night next to the seventh planet of the Solar System. “I’m still saying that it could be worse,” said Vinyl, “I can even sing a song about that… Lyra, Octavia?” “Yes ma’am,” Lyra replied, with her guitar in her hooves. Berry recalled that she was carrying it on her back for the whole time, it just didn’t jump out. Octavia took a bass guitar, which Berry just couldn’t explain, same as the fact that Vinyl was now sitting behind the piano while Bon Bon was testing a drum kit. Vinyl, Octavia, and Lyra sung in close harmony: Is this a real life? Is this just Fanta sea? Chocolate milk’s raining, What happened to reality? Open your eyes, ‘cause up in the sky there is Spirit of Chaos, who needs some sympathy, I went outside, my house is gone, I feel so high, what did I smoke? That buffalo’s dancing, it doesn’t really matter to me… To me... Long Play, who got a robe and wizard hat somewhere, joined them, while Vinyl focused on playing the piano. Mama, I own the town, put a glass dome above it, with Alicorn Amulet, Mama, this is just began, but now I gotta work on the Rock Farm Mama, ooo Didn’t mean to make you cry, If I’m not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on, I’m only picking limestones. Too late, the time has come, Time to apologise, Will Twilight sympathise? I’m sorry, everybody, and now I’ll go To fight with my fears and face the wheels… Mama, ooo I don’t wanna ride, I sometimes wish I’ve never went there at all! Lyra started to play a slow guitar solo, and Berry noticed that she somehow managed to get an electric guitar instead of the old, acoustic one. She closed her eyes, becoming one with the music. Suddenly, she stopped playing, leaving only Vinyl playing a single chord on a piano. The DJ levitated a pair of fake blue wings, a necklace with the crescent moon on it, and put them on, singing: I see a black silhouette on the Moon, The crowd around them answered. Before Berry realised that, she was also singing: Nightmare Moon, Nightmare Moon, will you bring your commando? Shadowbolts and lightnings, very very frightening me! Lyra sung “Galileo!” from the top of the Statue of Liberty, with the highest voice she could muster. Vinyl answered the call. Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Figaro Then they shouted “Magnifico!” together, while Vinyl made a paper hat from a map of the Moon, put it on and continued singing: I’m just a filly, nopony loves me, The crowd answered: She’s just a filly from a royal family, Spare her the life on the surface of the Moon, Vinyl played a short passage on the piano and sung: Easy, come, easy go – sister, let me go home, The crowd, however, wasn’t so nice, engaging into an argument: Celestia! No - we will not let you go - let her go Celestia! We will not let you go - let her go Celestia! We will not let you go - let me go Will not let you go - let me go Never let you go - let me go Never let me go - ooo No, no, no, no, no, no, no - Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go Mare in the Moon has Elements put aside for me for me for me Lyra started to play another solo, this time much faster. Berry got to the microphone and started to sing with her: So you say vines just grew there, right before my eyes, So you think they can buck me and leave me to die! Oh, baby, they can’t do this, baby We gotta fight! We gotta fight ‘em for real! Lyra continued her solo, gradually slowing it down, the sounds of the guitar overlapping with Vinyl’s piano. The DJ continued to sing slowly: Nothing really happens, Anyone can see… Nothing really happens… In Ponyville... She ended with a high note. Lyra, Bon Bon, and Octavia sung “but the dragon’s smoke blows…” before she silenced them by hitting a gong next to her piano. Berry looked around and said: “Okay, that was cool and all, but this guy wants his map of the Moon back, and the music store owner says that while it’s generally not allowed to borrow his instruments, he can forgive us this time.” Vinyl smiled sheepishly at the stallion who was now trying to drag the piano back into the store and unfolded her paper hat. “Good,” said Bon Bon, “But now we have to get Lyra back from the Statue of Liberty. He did she even get there?” “Magic,” Octavia deadpanned, “At least that’s what Vinyl says every time when she ‘accidentally’ teleports into my bed.” “Hey, it’s not my fault that I suck in teleportation…” “And in many other things, if what I heard is true…” Long Play added. “Et tu, Long Play, contra me?” Vinyl asked, shooting her brother a death glare. “Pax,” Octavia said, “Let’s get Lyra and go home, it’s getting late and I’d like to watch some movies…” “‘Daring Do and The Golden Shower’? Ugh…” Berry put the cassette back on the shelf and wiped her hoof in the carpet. “You’re looking at the wrong shelf,” said Vinyl, “Everything here is categorised, see? Adventure, horror, comedy, and, umm… romance.” Berry sighed and rolled her eyes, suddenly realising that she survived almost whole day without doing that. Weird, considering that she didn’t plan to spend a weekend in Manehattan and sing songs in public. “How about this one?” Octavia asked, taking a cassette labelled ‘The Appleloosa Chainsaw Massacre’. “I liked it when I was a little filly.” “I guess you were a lovely kid…” Bon Bon deadpanned. “You’d never guess.” ~~15 years earlier~~ Octavia checked out the chair and put a plug into the socket. The red light on the control panel lit up, indicating that all the wires were properly connected. Octavia smirked. “Fiddlesticks!” she called her cousin. Her yellow coat was contrasting with the colour of Octavia’s room: black walls, black carpet, red bed sheets and a white skull lying in the corner, next to the small guillotine and a headless doll. “What’s up, Octy?” Fiddlesticks asked. “Can you sit in the chair?” “Why?” Fiddlesticks asked unsurely, sitting in the chair. “Because we’re going to play a game,” Octavia replied, strapping her cousin’s forelegs to the chair. “What game?” “It’s called ‘is there a Faust?’...” ~~Now~~~ “May I propose a game?” Long Play asked. “Of course, I love games,” Octavia said. For some reason she started to wonder why her cousin Fiddlesticks didn’t want to visit her anymore. “Drink everytime somepony in the movie loses a limb. The last pony standing wins.” “Well, I like such games too,” Berry laughed, sitting on a couch with a bottle of whisky in her hooves. Long Play immediately started to worry about his liquor stash. It was large, of course. As a musician he had to be constantly connected to the liquid inspiration, but considering the fact that among his guests were his sister, Lyra “Demolition Mare” Heartstrings, and Berry Punch, whom he didn’t know exactly, but she looked like an experienced drunk. Heck, even Octavia, before she finally got a memo that overusing a black eyeliner, and “I will kill you slowly” expression weren’t cool anymore, was able to outdrink almost everypony in Canterlot. Long Play looked at Bon Bon unsurely. He didn’t know her, but, assuming that Lyra hadn’t changed much since the college, anypony who’d dare to pick her up would have to be either permanently drunk or missing some marbles herself. He decided that he’d worry about it later and instead focused on the plot of the movie. He didn’t have to wait long for the first argument over the interpretation of the rules. “Hmm, three limbs at once…” Lyra muttered, looking at the screen with interest. “Does it make three drinks or one?” “I’d get three,” said Bon Bon, who was hugging her marefriend tightly since the first scene. Octavia also drank three times, not even realising it, completely wrapped up in the plot of the movie. Long Play took one, looking unsurely at Lyra. To his relief, she also took only one sip. “Ouch, that was nice…” Vinyl smirked. “Chainsaws doesn’t work that way,” Berry said, “If you tried to do that, it’d bounce backwards and change your face into a puzzle for a plastic surgeon.” “Meh.” To Berry’s surprise, Vinyl rolled her eyes. “Who cares? It looks cool, that’s important.” “Hmm, maybe that’s why he’s wearing that mask?” Lyra asked. “No, he was born like that,” Octavia muttered, “I watched the prequel.” “Ugh, don’t remind me…” Long Play shuddered. “It’s official: there were no prequels or sequels to this movie. Whoever mentions one, drinks five times.” The rule was approved by acclamation. For a while they watched in silence, taking sips occasionally. “Awesome!” Vinyl exclaimed, “Berry, smartass, is it possible for blood to squirt like that?” “Actually, yes.” “Cool…” “Hey, actually ‘The Next Generation’ was good!” Octavia exclaimed out of the blue. “You drink five times. No exceptions.” Octavia muttered something about Long Play’s mother under her breath, and poured herself another whisky. “Hmm, have you ever noticed that it’s always the prude unicorn mare who survives at the end?” Lyra asked. She started to like the movie better since Bon Bon finally gave up watching and buried her face in her coat. “Yeah, it’s the same rule as ‘earth pony dies first’. Unless there’s a zebra, then zebra dies first,” Berry explained, taking another sip, when a pegasus’ wing hit the camera, leaving a trail of obviously fake blood on the screen. “Hmm, so we’re doomed,” Vinyl said calmly, “Octavia is prude, but she’d die first. Then Bon Bon, because she’s the most prone to panic. Then Berry–” “No, then you’d die, because the killer would be tired of you trying to buck him, even with a chainsaw in the guts. I’d be the one who knows that you shouldn’t split the team when somepony gets killed in a gruesome manner.” “Yeah, right. Eggheads don’t live long.” “I think Lyra would make a good final filly,” Long Play said, “She’d survive the whole movie, kick the killer in the balls and get beheaded in the first five minutes of ‘The Appleloosa Chainsaw Massacre 2’.” “You mentioned the sequel.” Octavia laughed. Long Play sighed and drank five sips. “Hmm,” Bon Bon muttered, her voice muffled by Lyra’s coat. “I don’t think Lyra would survive, she’s as far away from ‘prude’ as possible.” “Hey, I’m relatively prude in comparison to Vinyl. And I’m a unicorn.” “Yeah, right,” Bon Bon deadpanned, “Berry’s kitchen. Table. Blender.” “Hmm, Long Play, do you want to buy a table? I can give you my blender for free.” “No, thanks.” “And it was the last time you two were ‘taking care of my house’ when I was away.” Few more lost limbs and one fortunate escape later, the movie ended. Vinyl felt a pleasant buzz. She was half sitting and half lying on the couch. Berry, also rather tipsy, was sitting next to her, while the rest, their level of drunkenness varying from Bon Bon’s “almost completely sober” to “I am *hic* NOT drunk!” in Octavia’s case. Long Play decided to go to his bedroom, while Lyra and Bon Bon decided to empty his fridge. “Vinyl,” Berry said slowly, “Do you know that everypony is a philosopher when drunk?” “I have a feeling that we already had this conversation…” “Maybe… You know, I’m an engineer when sober and philosopher when drunk. Ain’t that funny?” “Is that some sick pick up line, or you’re just trying to bore me to death?” “Don’t mind me, my IQ just lowered after watching that movie with you. But I see that yours is even lower.” Vinyl looked at her. Or rather in her general direction. “If you weren’t drunk, I’d kick your flank so hard that your cutie mark would change into jam…” “Yeah, right…” For a moment they were just staring at each other in silence. A silly thought formed deep in the abyss of Vinyl’s brain: she recalled all those trashy romance novels Octavia was hiding in her room, and how staring at each other in silence usually was ending up with a kiss. Whisky she’d drunk was now telling her that Berryshine B. Punch is actually a nice and handsome mare, and that little Berry Pinch wasn’t really as snarky and condescending kid as she remembered her, and she’d probably be happy having a new mommy. She was just thinking about making a first step, when Berry said: “Lower my IQ more, Vinyl…” “That’s the kinkiest thing I’ve ever heard.” “Vinyl, you’re dumber than I thought.” “Oh, sorry that I don’t follow your enormous, encyclopaedic brain, Engineer…” Vinyl deadpanned. Berry sighed and rolled her eyes. When she did so, her vision slightly blurred before sharpening again. She knew what it meant. The whisky was now at the wheel. She just had to find something to focus on. Otherwise she’d surely do something she’d regret. “You promised me that you’d tell me what happened during Sparkler’s 18th birthday, remember?” “Oh, yeah…” Vinyl smiled at her memories. She sat straight, stretched her hooves, and scratched her flank. “Sit back, children, auntie Vinyl will tell you a story…” she said, “It was that one time when I baked cookies for Sparkler’s birthday…” Vinyl smiled behind her turntables. She saw that the cookies she brought almost disappeared, devoured by the guests. She turned the music louder. The beat, smell of sweat and cheering of a small crowd of dancing ponies were almost bringing her to an orgasm. Well, a certain cute stallion with a skilful tongue, who was crouching beneath the turntables also played a role in that. Vinyl started to wonder how long she’d be able to keep a straight face before somepony would notice. She saw Octavia dancing with Sparkler. They were both blushing and laughing. Octavia only recently got past her “dark” phase and was now prettier than she was ever before. In the background she saw Lyra’s classmate, Twilight Sparkle, who was now lying on the couch, chuckling to herself, perhaps after eating one cookie too much. Vinyl noticed a book lying next to her. “Probably something about birthday parties,” she muttered to herself. “No, don’t stop…” She patted the stallion’s head. She scratched the record, moaning with pleasure. Watching the ponies dance to her music was the best prize for her. Her eyes were scanning the crowd, looking for her fillyhood friend, Lyra Heartstrings. Since she first saw her, she knew what was going on with Lyra. Her humbleness and timidity weren’t very strong clues. The fact that every stallion who wanted to ask her out was either greeted with indifference or dumped after a short and awkward date, however, was one. Vinyl wasn’t even surprised, when one day Lyra came to her and asked her for help. Lyra Heartstrings, the most loveable pony in Canterlot, was in the closet. The closet with glass door, judging by the rumours, but still. That was actually one of the reasons why Vinyl brought cookies. She hoped that in the more relaxed atmosphere, it’d be easier for Lyra to come out. At first she wasn’t sure about that idea, but then she decided to do that, as Lyra was responsible and wouldn’t do anything stupid. Meanwhile, Lyra was sitting on the bathroom floor, charging her horn repeatedly and firing spells at the floor beneath the bathtub. Suddenly the door opened. “Lyra, what are you doing here?” Sparkler asked. “Hey, Sparky, happy birthday once more! I’m trying to lift the bathtub.” “Why do you want to lift my bathtub?” Sparkler asked. Something about Lyra’s behaviour seemed off for her, but, on the other hoof, there could be a logical explanation. Sparkler thought that the cookies she ate were making her feel funny. “There’s a treasure hidden under the floor,” Lyra said. Sparkler looked at her, confused, before something clicked in her head. “Let me help you,” she said, charging her horn. Together, they levitated the bathtub aside. “Hey, Sparkler, Cloudchaser is looking for you– what the hay are you two doing?” Octavia asked, entering the bathroom. “Digging the treasure!” Lyra shouted. Octavia looked at her, outraged. “Without me?” she exclaimed, “Cloudchaser! Flitter! Allie! Come here and help us!” Soon, the six ponies were trying to break the floor with their hooves or magic. The small explosions of beams were slowly crushing the concrete. “We’re close!” Lyra exclaimed, when the hole was few inches deep. She charged her horn for the last time. “Thud!” The floor was obliterated. They quickly stared through the hole, to see the flat below them and a neighbour, a middle aged unicorn stallion. The stallion looked at Lyra, rising his eyebrow. Lyra looked at her friends unsurely. The stallion looked at the ponies gathered above him. Lyra looked at the stallion, scrunching her face. The stallion opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something. Lyra’s brain finally processed all the informations that recently came to it, and after being processed by her drugged grey cells, her thoughts were finally worded: “GIVE US THE TREASURE BACK, CUNT!” “And then I spent the rest of the night, trying to convince that guy to not call the guards.” “Oh really? And how did you accomplish that?” “I simply told him that Lyra is…” for a moment she was looking for the right word, and ended up circling her hoof around her ear. Berry nodded. “Well, even Sparkler finally forgave us. That is, after Lyra paid her for the bathroom renovation.” “And how about Lyra? If you’d give spiked cookies to me, your body would never be found…” “Hey, I might have silly ideas, but I’m not a bastard. Actually, I paid for that bathroom. You know, Lyra was a poor student of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, while I just got my first contract.” “No way. Good Filly Vinyl…” Berry chuckled. “Also, she came to me the next day, and… you may guess.” “What did I expect…” Berry facehoofed. “Yeah… Everything in my life revolves around sex and alcohol. How did it happen? I was such an innocent, little filly…” “Vinyl, please… You’re giving me headache when you’re yourself, but you’re giving me even bigger headache when you’re asking me such questions…” “But I want to know…” “Vinyl, for buck’s sake… I can’t even imagine you as an innocent filly, so don’t expect me to tell you what happened to you.” Berry sighed and rolled her eyes. “I’m going to sleep.” She stood up and walked staggeringly to the bathroom. “Everypony left me…” Vinyl muttered. For a moment she was thinking about a certain shelf in her brother’s movie collection, the one containing movies about ponies having relationships with other ponies, but she felt that she wasn’t in the mood. In fact, she wanted to follow Berry’s example and go to sleep. “I wonder how’s Long Play doing…” As soon as Long Play closed the door of his bedroom, he sighed with relief. His flat was still in one piece. None of Vinyl’s friends seemed drunk enough to cause problems bigger than emptying his fridge. It was a price he could afford. He stretched his hooves, took off the sunglasses and lay down on his bed. He was just about to fall asleep, when he heard somepony’s sweet voice: “Hello, sweetheart…” He looked left and saw Octavia emerging from behind his nightstand. Upon hearing her voice, he realised that she definitely had few sips too many during the game. “Umm… hi…” he said, wrapping himself tightly in his blanket. Octavia was slowly approaching his bed, her smile resembling the hungry shark swimming towards the hapless victim. “Are you okay?” he asked, “You know, if you want I can go sleep on the couch…” “No, it’s not necessary…” There was something wrong about Octavia, he knew that for sure. “I’ve been waiting for you…” “Yeah?” “You know, as far as I hate to admit it, your sister can be cute sometimes, yet I’m not into mares… But you…” “Octy, I assure you, it’s not a good idea… You’ve been drinking for two days in a row and–” “Do you want to see me naked?” “Well, technically, you’re always–” he was silenced by a pink bowtie hitting his face. “Now it’s much better…” Octavia said, sitting on the edge of his bed and running her hoof down her mane. “Come on, sweetheart…” “Don’t do that. You’ll regret that tomorrow…” Octavia sighed and caught his blanket, pulling it off him. Long Play immediately covered the strategically important parts of his body with his tail, but it was too late. “Oh, now I know why they call you Long Play…” Octavia smirked and kissed his cheek, causing him to blush. “Celestia save us…” he whispered. “No, sweetie,” she said, “We don’t need any princesses here, just you and me…” “I’m not sure if I want to do that…” “Why?” she asked, poking him with her hooves. “You’re not gay, are you?” A brilliant idea struck his mind. “Of course I am! I’m more gay than Elton Colt walking through the centre of San Flankcisco, wearing a pair of pink thongs!” “Yeah, right…” She caught his tail and put it aside, revealing the proof that he found her attractive at least on purely physiological level. She looked at it, her smile growing wider. “Also, sweetie, remember that we’ve seen your porn collection… Relax, I’m a cellist, I have flexible hooves...” she whispered seducingly, licking her lips, her hooves slowly going south. He wanted to object, but when Octavia shifted her position, her nether regions suddenly appeared in front of his face. Suddenly, he heard the sound of his bedroom door opening and a familiar voice saying: “Hey, bro, I was just wondering what are you… WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” “Nothing!” he exclaimed, pushing Octavia of off him rather brutally. She landed on the floor, glared at him angrily and went to Vinyl. “I’m sorry, I think I should ask first,” she said, “Vinyl, can I buck the crap out of your brother?” “What? Octy, are you…” she smelled her roommate. “Of course you’re drunk!” “So are you,” Octavia replied, “So, can I?” “Of course not! I see that you don’t hate my genes, you hate me!” “Err… what?” Long Play looked at his sister, confused. Vinyl’s logic was often hard to follow for other ponies, but he usually was able to know what was going on in his sister’s mind. This time, he got nothing. “Shut up, I’m not talking to you!” Vinyl shouted. She turned to Octavia: “We live together, every day I’m showing you how much I love you, and as soon as we go to Manehattan, you have to buck my brother? What happened to you?” “Your ‘showing’ is simply creepy! You never listen to me when I’m telling you that I’m not a fillyfooler! You scared away every stallion I was dating! And your brother is so hot, even though he’s so dumb…” “What?” Long Play asked, raising his brow. “Shut up!” They shouted in unison. Vinyl continued: “Those stallions were idiots! I am the one who loves you. I’m doing the dishes. I’m buying the milk. I learned to flush the toilet after every use. I brought you carbon when you had diarr–” Octavia wrapped her forelegs around Vinyl’s neck and kissed her passionately. Long Play quickly covered himself with a blanket and watched them as they were hugging each other in seemingly endless embrace. Finally, Octavia broke a kiss. She smirked, blushing heavily. “Sorry, it was the only way to make you shut up,” she explained. “Oh, come on,” Vinyl replied, and hugged her. Their lips locked again. Long Play was trying his best not to look at his sister, focusing on Octavia instead. Officially, he wasn’t into incest, but he didn’t want to suddenly find out that he was. This day was weird enough even without the first chair cellist of Canterlot Orchestra trying to assault him sexually in his own bed. Not to mention the same cellist now making out with his sister. “Umm, girls…” he said, seeing that ‘making out’ part was quickly escalating, “Will you, umm… need me for something?” “No,” said Vinyl. She was now lying on the floor, pinned to it by Octavia. “Yes,” the grey mare panted. “What?” Vinyl exclaimed, “No, Tavi, no threesomes with siblings for you.” “Why not?” “I’d feel awkward…” “Vinyl,” Octavia sighed, “Your whole life is awkward… I guess your parents said ‘well, that was awkward’ after they made you…” “Actually, they said ‘can’t you knock?’” Long Play muttered. Vinyl looked at him, dumbfounded. “Never mind,” Octavia said, “Besides, Vinyl, it’s the only chance…” “So, it’s like product bundling? Like, when I buy a cheesecake and I’m given a milkshake, even though I’m allergic and–” Octavia put her hoof on her lips. “More or less. But today, you’ll enjoy your milkshake… “ “I’m not sure if I want…” Vinyl gave Long Play a helpless look. “Close your eyes and think of Equestria, sis. Besides, it’s not incest when Octavia’s between us.” Unlike Berry, Vinyl had no habit of sighing and rolling her eyes, so she failed to do so, instead locking her gaze with Octavia. There was something about those violet irises, something she couldn’t resist. “Come on, let’s go to bed, the floor is cold.” Octavia helped Vinyl to stand up and they sat on the bed, still hugging each other. “Excuse me, bro, give us some place here…” Vinyl said and cleared her throat. She then turned to Octavia, who lay on the bad, spreading her hind legs. “As you’re new to the art of fillyfooling, let me introduce you to the ancient technique I learned from the sensei Cunning Linguist long time ago, when I was in a remote monastery in the inaccessible, snowy mountains of Trotbet. They rarely let anypony outside of Neighsia explore their ways of giving pleasure to another pony, so–” “Wait,” Long Play interrupted her, “That Cunning Linguist… Wasn’t that the mama-san in that brothel in Hayland, where I found you, stoned out of your mind, among the transcolt prostitutes?” “Buck you,” Vinyl replied, “You’re ruining the mood.” “I can’t buck myself with you two here…” “And you should be happy that you met me there and I told you that they were transcolts. You know, when they take the clothes off, it’s too late to escape…” “Excuse me,” Octavia said, “As far as I’m interested in what you learned during your stay in Neighsia, I’d rather see the practical use of it…” “Okay… umm… where was I?” “You were trying to convince me that you allegedly possess skills that will make me come so hard that I’ll start to shit fire.” Long Play felt that it was time for him to intervene. “Umm… Can you not do this in my bedroom? I’m very attached to it. And if you really want to do this, I know some Mexicolt restaurant…” “Shut up, you’ll be next…” Octavia smiled at him menacingly. It was a kind of smile that was passed down through generations of Canterlot nobleponies, usually saved on occasions such as presenting someone an offer they couldn’t refuse. Of course, the smile itself wasn’t enough. Usually it was supported by a large sum of money, covert threat, or just a bunch of henchponies armed with bows, ready to change the poor guy on the other side of the arrow into a fancy pincushion. Octavia had neither money, nor a squad of archers, yet her menacing smile was pretty convincing. It had something to do with natural selection, imprinting a belief that mares with wide hips were better mothers in every stallion’s brain. Long Play, being a simple pony he was, just couldn’t fight the thousands of years of evolution. Not to mention that the wide hips’ owner was also a beautiful mare with raven hair and mulberry eyes. Of course there was also a simple explanation for that: most of the blood in Long Play’s system wasn’t currently in his brain, so his logical thinking ability was slightly impaired. Vinyl lowered her head, putting it between Octavia’s hind legs. She ran her tongue down the cellist’s marehood, teasing her clitoris with the tip of it. Octavia gave out a little moan and began yanking Vinyl’s mane, wrapping her hind legs around her neck. The DJ continued to play with her pussy, exploring its deeper parts with her tongue, described by the tabloids as one of the longest tongues of Equestria’s celebrities. Octavia could never understand why those reporters had came to their house just to measure it. Well, now she knew exactly. She bit her hoof, but it didn’t help: her moan could be heard in a flat below the Long Play’s place, where it woke up a young, aspiring dressmaker, who recently became famous among the Manehattan fashion designers after she quit her job by pouring a pot of coffee on her boss’ head. It’s interesting how easy is to get recognised, if you have a lot of charm and some sass. Now the mare, who had fallen asleep at the drawing board, looked around groggily and put her hooves on her ears to not hear the pony upstairs, who, judging by the moans, was now being pleasured with a jackhammer. She began contemplating her life. Since she started her new job, for a well-known fashionista from Ponyville, she was working almost constantly. She barely remembered how her bed looked like, she was drinking tons of coffee and was almost impossibly frustrated. Hearing another mare having the time of her life, was the last straw. She thought about that cute stallion she’d met few weeks ago, who gave her his phone number. She never called him, too busy to think about that. As she recalled, he was also overworked, filling tons of papers. Even at that hour, he was probably awake. Hesitantly, she took her phone and began dialing his number. Thirty years later, a young scientist called Nikki Pommel became widely known in Equestria, after she developed a stem cell-based therapy of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, saving lives of many ponies. When she was given a Twilight Sparkle’s award for that, she dedicated it to her parents, making a mental note to ask them how they’d actually meet. She hoped that this story would make a great beginning of her autobiography. Octavia bucked her hips in a post-orgasm bliss. Vinyl was lying next to her, panting. Contrary to many trashy romance novels, pleasing a mare with a tongue wasn’t an easy task. It required strength, stamina and some basic knowledge on anatomy. Not to mention that mare juices didn’t exactly taste like apples, cupcakes, peppermint or whatever the pony in question liked to eat. Vinyl wasn’t even sure how Octavia would taste if it was true. She had no time to think about this, although the thought about Octavia tasting like cello was certainly interesting. Her roommate sat down, placing her hooves on her stomach. “Do you know how much flexibility is needed to play cello properly?” she asked, rubbing Vinyl’s belly. “Well, you’ll see…” she smiled, lowering her hooves. She turned to Long Play, lifting her tail. “And you, honey, come here. Your little sis might be the best pussylicker around, but I still need something bigger down there…” Long Play didn’t have to be told twice. Earlier, he had to resist the temptation to push himself over the edge while watching Vinyl and Octavia having sex and he was now hornier than an average unicorn should be. He put his forelegs on the cellist’s flanks, and slowly slid his penis into her tight pussy, still wet after Vinyl’s playing with it. Octavia shuddered, clenching her muscles around it. She then focused on Vinyl, pushing her hoof into her marehood. In the kitchen, Bon Bon’s ears perked. “Have you hear that?” “What?” Lyra asked, and burped. She was sitting on the floor, rubbing her stomach. “These moans.” “Ah, this.” Lyra listened for a moment. “Well, either somepony tries to strangle a cat, or Vinyl just got lucky.” “Ugh… Thanks for the mental image. Now I’ll have to throw up all this food…” “Meh,” Lyra replied, unfazed by her marefriend’s problems. “There’s only one interesting thing about that: who is that lucky pony?” “Lyra, please…” “Well, either she bruises the beaver, which is the most likely, slightly gross, but morally acceptable, or she gets shagged by her brother, which is less likely, creepy and immoral. She may also scored with Octavia, it’s unlikely, but morally acceptable and, I must admit, adorable. Like, I’d clop to that. And I don’t think she invited Berry for a ride, unless I missed the sound of Tartarus freezing over.” Bon Bon made a gagging sound. “Do you want me to hold your mane so you don’t get vomit in it?” “No, thanks, I think it’s a false alarm… ” ‘Don’t worry, I washed my hooves after the shower…” “Why did you need to wash your hooves after the shower?” Bon Bon asked. Vinyl’s moans intensified, causing her head to ache. “I, umm… got a bit excited when I had to save you from that dead guy in the bathtub, and I had to–” “Okay, I get it,” Bon Bon interrupted her quickly. “You should’ve told me, we’d find some nice, quiet place…” “Actually, I think I know one place…” Lyra leaned to Bon Bon and whispered something to her ear. They both giggled, stood up, and quickly left the flat. Princess Celestia’s bedroom was dark and quiet, silence interrupted only by snoring of the white alicorn lying on her back, limbs spread wide. She was tossing and turning, visibly bothered by something. Suddenly, she opened one eye. “Luna?” she asked groggily. “I’M IN MY ROOM, SISTER!” Royal Canterlot Voice echoed through the palace. “Be quiet! Have you called me?” “No, Tia!” Luna shouted back. It was much quieter now, the guards patrolling nearby corridors sighed with relief and removed earplugs from their ears. “I’m too busy shooting noobs…” “Strange, I swear I heard somepony calling my name…” Celestia shook her head. “Sweet bucking Celestia!” Vinyl cried, her body twitching in an orgasm. Long Play and Octavia fell out of bed. The cellist landed on the top and was now riding Vinyl’s brother in a way that would make every cowgirl proud. Vinyl couldn’t help but admire the grace of Octavia’s moves. Long Play’s stomach was just flooded with her juices, when she threw back her head, climaxing. Poor stallion couldn’t withstand for any longer; he called Celestia’s name in vain and a thick stream of his semen hit against Octavia’s pussy. The grey mare fell limply on him, panting. “Wow…” Vinyl muttered, “Octy, where did you learn to do that… thing with your hooves?” “I feel lonely sometimes…” Octavia blushed heavily. Vinyl wasn’t sure if it was only effect of her previous activities. “You need to come more often…” Long Play panted, “I mean, to Manehattan…” He looked at his lower body, now covered in various fluids. “I think I’ll go to wash myself…” He left his room, leaving Vinyl and Octavia cuddling on the bed, and headed to the bathroom. He turned on the light, went inside and looked the door. “Hello, sweetheart…” He froze upon hearing a raspy, lust and alcohol-filled voice from his bathtub. “Horsefeathers…” he muttered. “Wait,” Berry said looking at Long Play, “Did we…?” “No, you passed out before you had a chance to reach me,” Long Play explained, “I decided to stay with you to make sure nothing would happen to you.” “Hmm, I think I should thank you…” Berry blushed. “Yeah… You know, ponies sleeping in my bathtub is apparently a new tradition…” The door opened. “Oh, hi bro,” Vinyl said, trotting inside. She looked at Berry and grinned widely. “Wow, bro, I thought that Octy bucked all the strength out of you, but I see that you also had some fun time with Berry… But you should watch out, she looks for a new daddy for her daughter since she dumped Mr. Faster Than Light–” “Go and buck yourself with a shovel,” Berry interrupted her. “I can’t go, I really need to pee…” “I’m sorry, I can’t help you with that…” “You can, by leaving the bathroom now. Unless you have some crazy kink, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with you two watching.” “Okay, you convinced me,” Berry said, jumping out of the bathtub and trotting staggeringly to the door. “Oh, by the way, Lyra called. Do you have some money to bail them out of jail?” “No, we spent everything on vodka, train tickets, and taxis, why are you… wait, WHAT?” In Which Bon Bon Facehoofs Multiple Times And Even Lyra Facehoofs Once Or TwiceThe wooden stairs creaked under their hooves. Even outside the building they could still hear Vinyl probably having the time of her life. Bon Bon thought that they were lucky, having rather thick walls in their house in Ponyville. She was a quiet type herself, but Lyra just couldn’t resist announcing to the whole world that she just found a new way of pleasuring herself. At least their sex life wasn’t boring. Bon Bon thought that it was even too interesting, to the point it was sometimes getting awkward. For example, she still couldn’t forget that time when she came back home with two sacks of apples, and what happened with some of them later. Fortunately, Nurse Redheart was known from her ability to keep her mouth shut. “Hmm, it’s far away from there…” Lyra said, looking at the Statue of Liberty, towering in the distance. “Don’t worry, sweetheart, we’ll take a cab.” “How will we take a cab in the middle of the night?” “There’s one there,” said Bon Bon, pointing at the yellow cart on the other side of the street. They trotted to it to find no trace of the cabbie. “Wonder what could happen to him…” said Lyra, carefully avoiding stepping into a crimson trail on the pavement, leading from the cab to the nearest nook. Bon Bon shrugged. “I think he won’t mind if we borrow it for a moment…” “Are you crazy?” Lyra asked. Even though they were both a bit tipsy, the food she’d eaten caused her to sober up a little. Not much, just to point out the things that were wrong in other ponies’ plans. “Who’ll pull it?” “Don’t worry, sweetheart, remember that I’m the earth pony in this relationship…” Bon Bon said, picking up the harness with her teeth. Lyra levitated it, helping her put it on. “Mrr… You look cute in it…” The unicorn giggled. “See? And when I wanted to try SM with you, you told me that you’re ‘not ready’...” “Maybe because your concept of SM involved locking me in a cage in our basement… Why do we even have a cage there?” “Ask the previous owner. It was some Vinyl’s friend.” “Okay, that explains many things,” said Lyra, taking a seat in the cab. She shifted her position slightly and took some object she sat on. “I found a whip,” she announced, examining it closer. “Kinky.” “Yeah… So, let’s go Bonnie! Next stop – Statue of Liberty!” She whipped Bon Bon’s flank. The earth mare pranced and started to gallop, almost crashing the cart against a fire hydrant. She turned sharply, causing the wheels to screech. “Who gave you the licence?” Lyra shouted, holding her seat tightly. “I don’t have a licence!” Bon Bon exclaimed, taking another turn at the full speed, the momentum of the spinning cab almost overturning her. Lyra cursed under her breath. Then she cursed once more, remembering that her marefriend was drunk enough to be pulled over for driving under influence if they met the guards. The only way to avoid it was to go faster to not be caught. “C’mon, Bonnie!” Lyra shouted. They were now riding through the Neighponese District. Lyra waved at the kirins standing in front of one of the restaurants. Bon Bon tried that feat too, only to find out that pulling a cart while galloping on three hooves at the full speed was a bad idea. The cab turned, jumping when the wheels hit the kerb. A group of prostitutes from Hayland standing on the pavement ran away in panic, seeing a yellow mare desperately trying to regain control of the vehicle. “Well, that was close…” Lyra sighed with relief, looking back at the group, now helping each other to get up. “They don’t chase after us?” Bon Bon asked, turning right. “No… Though I wouldn’t mind, some of them looked pretty hot…” Bon Bon sighed. “Remember what Vinyl said? They’re from Hayland, each of them is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you gonna get. Syphilis, chlamydia, a stallion…” “I wouldn’t mind a stallion,” Lyra said innocently. “You?” Bon Bon turned back to her, “I always thought you weren’t into stallions…” “Yeah, but… I’ve never been with a stallion before. I always wanted to try, you know, cucumbers are not exactly the same thing…” “Well, I can’t help you with that.” “There’s a spell for that, it’s called Spell 63–” “No Lyra,” Bon Bon interrupted her, “I still haven’t recovered from the trauma after Spell 34.” Lyra made puppy eyes. It didn’t exactly work, since Bon Bon decided that she was tempting fate for too long, pulling a cart without watching the road. Besides, something about what Lyra said earlier was bugging her. Suddenly, there came an enlightenment. She turned to her lover again. “Remember that one time when you prepared a cucumber salad for me?” Lyra nodded, so Bon Bon continued, her voice getting higher with every word. “You told me that it was ‘special’. Was it a metaphor or…” Lyra said nothing, her cheeks slowly getting red. “Lyra, please tell me that it was a metaphor…” Lyra smiled sheepishly. “You have problems, Lyra…” “But I washed and peeled them! And it doesn’t matter, you… SWEET BUCKING BABY WOONA, WATCH OUT BONNIE, FILLY ON THE ROAD!” Bon Bon started to brake hard, but it was too late. Luckily, she managed to turn, the right wheel of their cab missing the filly by an inch. Finally, they crashed into a tower of cardboard boxes someone stacked on the pavement. Lyra could never understand why there always were cardboard boxes on every sidewalk in every big town she had ever visited. Probably their only purpose was to wait for some cart to crash against them. “I meant that since we are into oral sex anyway…” “Oh, shut up, Lyra…” Bon Bon rubbed her flanks. She didn’t remember much from her physics lessons, but she knew exactly that the fact that she was trying to stop didn’t mean that the cart was going to stop too. Which in her case meant that she almost discovered the joys of being anally deflowered by the thill. Too occupied by their attempts to get the taxi out of the remains of the boxes, they didn’t notice that a brown filly blew her pink mane from her eyes and trotted staggeringly to them. “Ya *hic* don’t look like a cabbie…” she said to Bon Bon. “And you don’t look like a roadkill, but you’re on a good way to become one.” “What were you doing in the middle of the road?” Lyra asked. “Cutie Mark Crusaders *hic* Cider Drinkers!” Bon Bon facehoofed. “We’re doomed,” she muttered, “They’re everywhere…” “Nevermind, did I get my cutie mark?” the filly asked, exposing her flank to Lyra. “Err… you know, I’m not used to stranger fillies mooning at me…” “Oh, sorry… *hic* My name is Seed. Babs Seed. Now, do I have a cutie mark or not?” Lyra sighed, preparing herself mentally to crush little filly’s dreams and hopes. “No,” she said. “Crap. I knew it was a *hic* bad idea…” She took a seat next to Lyra, her face being now the best example of drunken sadness. “Yeah, drinking is a lame talent, if you ask me.” Bon Bon said. “And why are you sitting here?” Babs stopped sobbing and looked at Bon Bon coldly. “Ya might not look like a cabbie, but ya are one, so drive me home, please,” she said, suddenly getting rid of the hiccups. “Sorry, I’m not a cabbie, we stole this taxi,” Bon Bon said. “Doesn’t matter. I need *hic* someone to drive me home!” Bon Bon sighed. It was going to be a long night. She was spending too much time with her friends to not know that arguing with a drunk logic was futile. “Listen, punk,” she said, “See my cutie mark? Yes, candies. I give candies to fillies, then I go with them to my basement where I rape, kill, and eat them. Not necessarily in that order. Luckily, you’re not in my type, so get the buck out before I change my mind!” Babs Seed stared deeply into her eyes. Or rather tried to do so. Few mugs of cider wasn’t much for experienced drunks like, for example, Berry Punch, but it was enough for the filly to get, as Octavia would say, tired and emotional. “So, you’re suggesting that I’m fat?” she asked. “No, I’m just trying to get rid of you.” Tears shined in Babs’ eyes. “No one wants to drive me home!” she wallowed, sinking her face in Lyra’s coat, “I’m gonna die a blank flank! And a virgin!” “There, there…” Lyra cooed. “And you, Bonnie… How can you say such things to a filly! She can’t stay here, we need to help her!” “See?” Babs Seed shouted, turning her face to Bon Bon. “Good to see that there are good ponies in Equestria, not like you, Bonnie…” “Call me ‘Bonnie’ once more, you little brat, and you’ll really end up in my basement…” “Wait!” Lyra exclaimed, “Do you really lure fillies to our basement?” “Please,” Babs grinned. “Bonnie’s not the first pony who were trying to offer me candies. She doesn’t look like one of them. More like a bored, middle-aged spinster. By the way, why there always have to be candies? Candies and candies, do they want me to get buckin’ diabetes?” “Middle-aged? I’m not keeping fillies in my basement, but I’ll start soon!” Bon Bon glared at her angrily, causing Babs to cower in her seat. “Chill out, Bonnie, you’re scaring her!” Lyra scolded, “Now I know why you’re always changing the topic when I talk about children!” She turned to Babs. “Shh, auntie Lyra won’t let her hurt you…” Babs made a gagging sound. “Just drive me home,” she said, “And please, hurry. Ya know, too much cider, I really need to–” “Okay, we get it, where’s your home?” Bon Bon asked. When Babs told her, she raised her brow. “Where the hay is it?” “Oh, come on…” Babs rolled her eyes. “I’ll guide ya.” They got the cart out of the cardboard boxes and rode down the street. Babs started to hiccup again and if Lyra didn’t poke her from time to time, she’d probably nod off. They spent few minutes in silence, save from Babs navigating them through the streets of Manehattan. Suddenly, the filly cursed under her breath. “Cops,” she whispered. Bon Bon froze. “Bonnie, keep it together,” Lyra muttered, “Drive like you’re a legit cabbie, they won’t stop us…” Too bad, Bon Bon’s “legit cabbie” pose apparently wasn’t legit enough for the guards. The other reason could be the appearance of their taxi, battered after the numerous fender benders. “Good evening, ma’am,” said the taller guard. Lyra thought that Royal Guards were always seen in pairs, and one was always a bit taller. She decided that she needed to incorporate it into one of the conspiracy theories she believed in. “Can you show us your licence?” asked the shorter one. Bon Bon did quite well. She started to pretend that she looked for her licence, only to say that she’d accidentally left it at home. “Not good…” the taller guard concluded, “Now, the sobriety test…” “Can you make it a bit quicker?” Babs asked suddenly, “I really need to tap the kidney…” she burped. “And possibly kneel before the porcelain throne. Hopefully not both at the same time.” “Wait,” the shorter guard said and turned to Lyra. “Is that your daughter?” “No, we don’t know her…” “Why is she drunk?” “Hey, I’m not drunk!” Babs shouted, “And they’re sober too, and they’re really nice, Bonnie even offered me candies…” The guards looked at one another. “Can you go with us?” the taller one asked. Lyra gave Bon Bon a panicked look. Think, Bon Bon read in her eyes. Thinking wasn’t something easy for Bon Bon. Of course, as a candy maker, she was a skilled chemist. Yet, coming up with far-fetched, detailed plans wasn’t her forte. Hell, even her younger sister – boring, asocial, heterosexual nerd, as Bon Bon, sometimes-boring, often-asocial, not-exactly-heterosexual not-exactly-nerd would describe her, was better in planning than her. Yet, somehow Bon Bon came up with a plan. The plan was simple and effective. “Hold on to your seats!” she shouted, darting forward. Babs almost fell off the cab, but Lyra caught her with her magic. Bon Bon took a sharp turn, two guards in hot pursuit. “Faster, Bonnie!” Lyra bellowed, “They’re after us!” “You could help a bit!” Bon Bon shouted. Lyra facehoofed at her own stupidity, turned back and fired a magic bolt at the guard, who dodged it, but crashed into a conveniently placed fruit stand. Lyra wasn’t sure why the fruit stand was there in the middle of the night, but shrugged it off. It was Manehattan after all. “When I said ‘help’ I didn’t mean ‘add assaulting a guard on duty to our quickly growing rap sheet’!” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. She wanted to facehoof, but since she was still running, it could easily end with an injury. Or two, considering the rather heavy cab behind her. “Like, dunno, move that cab with your magic?” Lyra thought for a moment. “Okay,” she said, “I saw it in one movie…” Her horn started to glow. Bon Bon felt that the cab started to accelerate, getting closer to her rump. Suddenly, golden magic aura lifted her, freeing her from the harness and seating her next to Lyra. Confused, she looked at the wheels and saw that they were also engulfed in Lyra’s magic, propelling the battered vehicle forward. “Since when you can do that?” Bon Bon asked. “Always! You know, alcohol increases my magic skills…” “Why am I not surprised…” Babs made a gagging sound, watching the nearby building blurring in a haze. They left the guards behind. Lyra sighed with relief, driving the cab through the narrow streets. “So, since we’re safe, we can drive you home in no time, Babs,” she said. “Yeah,” Babs muttered weakly, “And then I’ll have a lot of time to think about new cutie mark idea while grounded…” “Well, cider-drinking cutie mark was a lame idea from the beginning,” Bon Bon replied, rather brutally. “I mean, when I was your age, I also wanted something unusual, but maybe you should think about you’re good at, even if it’s mundane?” “Like, having an egg cutter for a cutie mark?” Babs pointed at Lyra’s flank. “What?” Lyra snapped, almost losing control over the taxi. “It’s a lyre, kid.” “For me it looks like an egg cutter.” Babs looked closer, blowing her mane out of her eyes. Lyra facehoofed, causing the wheel to hit against the kerb. “I can assure you it’s a lyre. I’m playing lyre since I was five, my parents are musicians, some of my best friends are musicians, and I use a knife to slice the eggs.” She looked at Babs, who still looked unconvinced. “You know, I’m not even sure how lyre sounds like…” “What the hell is with the fillies these days?” Lyra groaned, “Do you like music?” “Well, I listen to DJ Pon3.” “That explains everything,” Bon Bon muttered. Lyra, however, didn’t want to give up. “It’s even in my name. Lyra Heartstrings. Lyra. Strings. Lyre.” “Wait,” Babs interrupted, “How could you be named after your cutie mark?” “She was raised by wolves and she already had a cutie mark when ponies found her,” Bon Bon deadpanned. Babs started to think, scratching her head. “How did she discover her special talent among the wolves? Did they use egg cutters?” “Listen kid, I have a whip and I’m not afraid to use it…” Lyra sighed. “Hmm, maybe your special talent is being whipped?” “Meh, we tried that. Scary but fun. No cutie marks. And actually, I think I’d like to be a toaster repairpony.” “Hmm, that’s not a bad idea.” Lyra nodded. “So, have a piece of advice from the older friend: if you want to be a toaster repairpony, find a damn toaster and repair it.” “Right.” Babs eyes shone brighter. “Where can we find a broken toaster in the middle of the night?” Lyra chuckled and patted Babs’ head, distracting herself from propelling the cab forward long enough to almost crash against the mailbox. “You know, Bonnie,” Lyra said, when she regained control over the taxi. “I’d like to have a kid like her.” Bon Bon sighed and rolled her eyes. “She called me ‘middle-aged’ and thinks that your cutie mark is an egg cutter, but I guess you just felt your biological clock ticking.” “Meh. I guess she’s a lovely filly when she’s sober.” “Excuse me,” Babs interrupted, “I still have to take a piss, you know…” “Yeah, lovely…” Bon Bon sighed and turned to Babs. “When I was at your age, it was called ‘going to little filly’s room’.” “Don’t worry, you’ll be home in no time,” Lyra said, “Also, Bonnie, ‘when I was at your age’? You really sound like you were middle aged. And I used to call it ‘changing water to goldfish’. Vinyl, on the other hoof, refers to it as ‘number one’, number two being–” “Sorry, but by talking about that you’re not helping!” Babs groaned. “Pegasus!” Bon Bon shouted, pointing at the guard in the sky. Apparently the Manehattan Royal Guard Department still had problems with magically-powered taxi. “Don’t worry, I got this!” Lyra shouted, accelerating. She made a sharp turn, their vehicle disappearing in the nook. “You do realise that it’s a dead end?” Bon Bon asked. In a golden glow of Lyra’s magic she saw that there were boards stacked by the wall at the end of the nook, making a quite fine ramp. “Shit…” she muttered, seeing that Lyra was now completely focused on her target. The pegasus overtook them and was now diving at them. “Why is everything always stacked in such a way?” Bon Bon asked, seeing as they were approaching the ramp quickly. “I dunno,” Babs replied, “Sometimes I hate this town…” Propelled by Lyra’s magic, the taxi jumped into the air. The pegasus dove, trying to intercept them, when a sudden flare of magic blinded him temporarily. “Duck!” Lyra shouted. The pegasus guard collided with the taxi, tearing a large part of its roof off and parted from it, crash landing on somepony’s balcony. The cab, sent spinning, flew about fifty metres, spinning, before Lyra managed to steady it with her magic, just before it hit the ground. “Wooohooo!” Lyra shouted. The wheels crushed upon impact, the taxi crashing into the conveniently placed stack of cardboard boxes and skidding to a halt in them. For a moment, they were silent, trying to assess if they broke any bones. “Ya know,” Babs said finally, her voice weaker than before, “I don’t need to go to the toilet anymore…” “Eeeeewwww…” Lyra groaned, darting out of her seat. For a moment she hoped that the sudden rise of its temperature was a side effect of her magic, but she was quickly proved wrong. “Shit…” Babs muttered, watching Lyra staring at her tail with an expression of pure disgust. “Is it that bad?” Bon Bon asked. “No, it’s like, shit in a more metaphorical sense…” Bon Bon sighed with relief. Lyra however, couldn’t live it through. “My whole tail is covered in–” “I see, you don’t have to wave it in front of my face… And stop bitching, you’re making a filly cry!” Indeed, Babs sat on the pavement, weeping loudly. Lyra sat next to her, whispering some words of consolation and patting her head. “I’m sooo pathetic!” the filly wept, “I’m gonna die a blank flank! And a virgin! Shamed forever!” “There, there…” Lyra cooed. “See, that’s why you shouldn’t drink. You sound like Rarity.” Babs didn’t listen, crying in Lyra’s coat. The unicorn sighed. “Bonnie, what should we do with her?” she asked, “We can’t give her to her parents like that…” “Maybe we should take her there,” said Bon Bon, pointing at the building in front of them – the public convenience. According to the pictograms next to the door, there were also showers in there. “Hmm, conveniently placed public convenience, pun not intended.” Lyra rose her eyebrows. “Actually, everything in this town appears to be conveniently placed…” Bon Bon replied, “Or we just knew where to crash.” “Coincidence? I think not,” Lyra stated. “What is it then? Everytime we crash, we crash into boxes. When we needed a ramp, we had a ramp. Babs needs a place to wash herself – we land next to the toilet.” “It’s a miracle, Bonnie.” “And what is a miracle, Lyra?” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. Sometimes, Lyra was weird. Well, she was usually weird, sometimes she was just weirder than usual. Bon Bon sometimes wondered what’d happen if Lyra and Pinkie Pie were locked in the same room. Probably the world would explode. “It’s an act of Celestia.” “Listen Lyra,” Bon Bon sighed, “I believe Celestia can change water into cider, find my keys, but, for her mother’s sake, she just doesn’t place toilets on our way!” She had a feeling that they had that conversation before. Way too many times for her liking. “But you can’t deny that–” “Excuse me,” Babs interrupted, “But I’ll soon get a bladder infection from sitting on a pavement with my fur soaked…” “Sorry!” Lyra exclaimed, suddenly snapped back to reality. The washroom attendant was an old mare with a roll of toilet paper as her cutie mark. Babs shuddered upon seeing this. She was far from looking down upon other ponies because of their cutie marks, but she’d rather be a blank flank (and a virgin) forever than find out that her special talent was, according to the popular definition, maintaining and cleaning the facilities, ensuring that toilet paper, soap, paper towels, and other necessary items are kept stocked. “Two showers,” Bon Bon said, placing bits on a counter. “And I need a place to think about my life.” The old mare only nodded. Just like the cashier working on the railway station in Ponyville, she’d seen everything in her life. Two mares and a filly who, judging by the smell, had a tiny accident were just another of countless ponies visiting that place every day. Each one had a story. Some of them were rich, some poor. Some were travelling vendors, some were soldiers, some were drunk, stoned, insane, overly dramatic, there were even few who wanted to cheat Death himself. None of them could even cheat their own bladder. Bon Bon closed the door to the stall behind her. It was old, completely covered in scribbles, layering there for decades. It didn’t took Bon Bon long to discover the familiar hoofwriting. DJ Pon3 had her second best orgasm with a stallion in this stall, on… The date was roughly two years ago. Bon Bon hoped that the stall had been cleaned since then. Next to Vinyl’s confession, somepony wrote with a blue ink: The Great and Powerful Trixie had the best orgasm in her life in this stall, and she didn’t even need another pony. “Eww…” Bon Bon winced, turning her gaze to another graffiti, this time less personal. Buck old mares and young Royal Guards! Next to it, somepony else wrote: Old mares need love too! Apparently it was a heated topic, as the scribbles were followed by few replies, each written by another pony: But they have to pay for it… Poor old mares… Hey, how about old stallions? The conversation was interrupted abruptly by someone who, using a black marker, wrote with gothic letters: Pferdreich, Pferdreich über alles! Below that, somepony replied: Еби твою маму, фашисткий засранец! Bon Bon suddenly remember that Manehattan was a very cosmopolitical city. She turned to the area of the door closer to the wickets, where the scribblings were deeper and more philosophical. For some reason, the first one she read made her think about Vinyl. World’s changing, whorses are constans. “Wait,” she corrected herself. “Vinyl’s not a whorse, she has standards.” Rather low standards – sapient, sentient, consenting, legal, and with compatible genitals (which ruled out adult dragons and changelings in their true forms), but they still were standards. Bon Bon looked at the next graffiti – a groan of frustration of some anonymous being. The brownish colour of the letters made her unsure whether it was written with blood or something easier to obtain in the toilet. I don’t wanna be just a background pony! “Well, good luck with that one…” Bon Bon snickered. She started to look for more more philosophical writings, but she only found a few minimalistic drawings of male genitals. She decided that she had enough of thinking, flushed the toilet, and went out of the stall. Lyra and Babs were already in the corridor, the unicorn drying filly’s mane with her magic. “What took you so long?” Lyra asked. “Thinking,” Bon Bon replied. “Yeah, I know your ‘thinking’... Every morning I have to do a potty dance because you’re thinking in the bathroom…” “You know, once I took a dump so big that I felt regret when I had to flush it…” Babs said, smiling at her memories. Lyra and Bon Bon winced. “And you’re wondering why you’re still a virgin?” the earth mare deadpanned. Lyra shook her head. “Bad Bonnie,” she said, “Don’t remind her of that, we don’t want her to do something stupid… Remember Babs, don’t have sex–” “Because I’ll get pregnant and die?” “Yep, that too. The thing is that you need to find an appropriate colt first.” “Yeah, and don’t tell him about your, umm… business. You know, some colts think that fillies don’t poop and may disgusted when proved otherwise,” Bon Bon added. “Exactly.” Lyra nodded. “And don’t hurry. Focus on becoming a toaster repairpony first. I was 19 when I lost my–” “Yeah, with the most obnoxious mare in Equestria,” Bon Bon interrupted her. “I was 19, okay?” Lyra rolled her eyes. “And remember, the relationship is not only about sex. It’s about dealing with other pony’s quirks, like snoring…” “...farting…” Bon Bon added. “Hey, I don’t– I mean, leaving dirty socks on the floor, such things.” “I don’t even wear socks,” Bon Bon said. “You know?” Babs said, her face expressing disgust, “I don’t wanna have sex. Ever. I wanna go home, go to sleep, and hope that I’ll forget this conversation.” “See? You traumatised her, Bonnie. Now she’ll have issues and she’ll be unable to form a lasting relationship...” “Don’t worry, I won’t have any issues. I don’t need colts, I’m sexually attracted to toasters! Happy now?” “Toasters?” Lyra asked, “How do you… you know?” “The same way you used Berry’s blender,” Bon Bon replied. “I don’t wanna know!” Babs shouted quickly, seeing that Lyra opened her mouth to explain. They left the toilet, bidden farewell by the attendant’s curious glance. “Hmm, the guards aren’t looking for us anymore?” Bon Bon asked, looking around. Somepony already stole the wreck of their taxi, leaving only the sad remains of cardboard boxes. “Psychology,” Lyra explained, “They’re looking for three drunk ponies riding a taxi propelled by magic. They won’t be interested in two mares and a filly walking casually in the street. Even if it’s 2 AM.” “This is so crazy it can actually work,” Bon Bon said. “Yeah…” Babs yawned. “You know, you two are nice, but I’d rather hit the hay. My home is two blocks from there.” “We can walk you there,” Bon Bon proposed, “Something could happen to you…” “No, thanks. It’s only two blocks.” “We know, but what if there’s a crazy axe murderer a block away from there? We’d never forgive ourselves…” “You mean my neighbour? He’s okay, unless he’s off his meds.” Lyra sent Bon Bon a cautionary glance, muttering something that sounded like “we can’t stop here, this is Babs’ country”, but the cream mare shook her head. “No Babs, we’ll escort you till you’re safe in your house…” “Better not. As you said it’s 2 AM. My parents are gonna be…” “Angry?” Lyra prompted. “No, they’ll be disappointed. It’s even worse.” “I’d rather be worried…” Bon Bon said. “Because you’re just too kind…” Lyra nuzzled her. “Barbara,” Babs said quickly. “What?” “Barbara “Babs” Seed, in case you’re looking for baby names.” “What? We’re not–” “Too bad. You two’d make great parents. Laid back but caring. A bit crazy but, dunno, good ponies…” They walked to Babs’ home in awkward silence. Even when the filly finally wished them good night and went to her flat, Lyra was still unusually quiet. “You know,” she said finally, “Maybe we should really think about foals?” “You do realise that the only pony who thinks we’d make good parents is a drunk filly whom we‘ll most likely never see again?” “Yeah, but… Dunno, sometimes I think–” “Can you think about it tomorrow? Tonight we’re gonna have some fun…” Lyra thought for a moment. “Yeah,” she said finally, “Let’s find some conveniently placed bar, I’m a bit thirsty and I guess I’ll need to be in shape tonight…” “Exactly…” Bon Bon muttered, looking at the distant silhouette of the Statue of Liberty. On their way to the monument, they went to a small bar. Not that they liked it very much – just before they entered, somepony got kicked out of it, crashing into the mailbox on the other side of the street. The interior was dark, crowded and dirty, but at least they could buy two pints of cider and some hay fries there without having to get a mortgage. “Good thing I went to think earlier,” Bon Bon muttered, taking a sip of her cider and watching a pair of ponies disappearing behind the old, wooden door. “Apparently, toilets here are only a place to have sex in.” Lyra giggled, seeing two stallions and a blushing, limping mare walking out of the toilet. “Yeah, I was just going to propose–” “No, Lyra,” Bon Bon replied, “It’s the only occasion, I don’t want to waste strength there, with all those ponies around…” “Meh, I don’t mind the spectators. When I was with Vinyl, we went to a swingers party and–” “I don’t wanna know…” Bon Bon downed half of her cider in one go and almost choked on her hay fries. “Nothing interesting, I mostly watched. Actually, that was kinda what killed our relationship…” “Watching Vinyl on a swingers party?” Bon Bon suddenly felt like ordering another pint of cider. And possibly some whisky. “No, trying to keep Vinyl in place when she was given penicillin injections. You know how scared of needles she is? She changed the nurse into a potted plant once…” “Eww… There goes my metaphorical boner…” “You mean Bon-Boner?” Lyra chuckled. Bon Bon gave her a long, condescending look before hitting her forehead against the table. Lyra patted her head. “I’m sorry, Bonnie,” she said. Bon Bon lifted her eyes on her and smiled. “It’s okay.” She smiled, embracing Lyra and kissing her. “We’re gonna make it our special night…” “Yeah.” Lyra giggled, kissing her back. “The night we deflowered the Statue of Liberty…” “Shh… No one can hear about it…” They finished the cider and went out of the bar, advancing slowly towards the statue. The night was warm, full moon enlightening the street. “I have an idea,” Lyra said suddenly, “I mean, it’s kinda combination of two ideas I had earlier tonight…” “I’m not sure if I want to hear that… You know, I love you, but your ideas aren’t exactly the best in the world...” “We should invite some cute stallion over and ask him to knock one of us up. Then we’d have both a threesome with a stallion and a baby.” “That’s exactly what I meant when I said that your ideas aren’t the best…” “Why not?” Lyra made puppy eyes. “First, I don’t want any stallion in my bed, second, it’s unethical, third, you really want to live with some little brat for about eighteen years because another little brat told you that you’d make a great parent? And finally, who’d be that stallion?” Lyra thought for a moment. “Hmm… Time Turner?” “Yeah, and then Derpy would give us arsenic-flavoured muffins…” “Okay… How about Noteworthy?” “As you’d say, meh.” “Hey, he’s cute!” Lyra exclaimed. “But he’s cute in a meh way. If I had to be with a stallion, I’d rather choose somepony more… manly.” “Manly, right… Maybe Thunderlane then?” “Berry told me that Flitter has crush on him. You know, I had a dream recently that she was trying to kill me with a lead pipe. I’d rather not push her…” “Crush is not a relationship yet,” Lyra observed. They turned left and began to cross the bridge. “Besides, my sister goes out with his brother,” Bon Bon continued, “That’d be awkward.” “What? She’s no longer with Button Mash?” “Nope. Turns out, their only reason to be together was his impressive, huge–” “Bonnie, he’s sixteen… But I must admit, his mother is sexy.” “–comic books collection. Actually maybe it’s good that they broke up. I was a bit tired of that Nerd Herd…” “Yeah, because you totally weren’t a nerd when you were a filly. I remember, you had glasses and a lisp…” “Don’t remind me…” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “By the way, another reason why I don’t want to have foals: sooner or later they’ll be sixteen, just like Twist is now…” Lyra shuddered, remembering Bon Bon’s sister, who, for some reason, hanged out in their place more often that with her parents. As soon as she hit puberty, got rid of braces and lisp, and discovered that most of the colts prefer redheads, she started to use it to get everything she wanted. Well, if Lyra recalled her teenage years correctly, she was exactly like Bon Bon. “Meh, I’m okay with that,” the unicorn said, “How about Big Macintosh?” This time it was Bon Bon’s turn to get lost in her thoughts. Luckily, she didn’t have to answer, as they arrived to the Statue of Liberty. “Well, what do you think of this?” Bon Bon asked. “No ponies around, no guards… Celestia is still on our side…” “I don’t think she cares about us.” Bon Bon replied. “Besides, there’s probably some kind of alarm here…” Lyra focused, observing the surroundings. When she was young she liked to spend time with her uncle, who taught her everything he knew about alarms, lockpicking, and the art of fooling the guards. Everything ended when the uncle had to move to the Canterlot Penitentiary Facility for income tax evasion. “It’s easy,” she said, “the alarm only works when somepony opens the gate. If we teleport inside, we won’t set if off.” “Sorry, Lyra, but remember that not everypony here is a unicorn…” “Don’t worry, Bonnie. We’ll teleport together…” “Oh no…” Bon Bon frowned. “Remember what I told you about teleportation under influence?” “What can I do? I can’t teleport when I’m sober…” Bon Bon sighed. Then she looked at the gate. “Fine,” she said, “Let’s teleport.” Lyra pulled her into a tight hug. Bon Bon closed her eyes and soon they disappeared in a golden flash. When they appeared inside, she rubbed her flanks. She didn’t like to teleport, even if it meant being close to Lyra. She suspected that it had something to do with her earth pony body – she didn’t know much about magic but she deduced that it was more difficult to teleport a heavier object. Then fact that after every teleportation in her life (there were three so far, including one particularly pitiful case when drunk Lyra tackled her from behind and accidentally teleported them to the Carousel Boutique, landing in Rarity’s bed. Rarity was pissed. Thunderlane thought it was kinky) her cutie marks were itching seemed to confirm that observation. “Still, I think there should be at least one guard here,” Bon Bon said. “Don’t worry, why they should pay the guards when they have an alarm here?” “Hey, look! Another ones!” A guard pointed at the monitors in front of him. He blessed Celestia for the CCTV cameras that had been recently installed in the Statue of Liberty. He no longer had to walk in front of it, freezing his family jewels off. “What are we gonna do? Catch them?” the second guard asked, taking a sip of his coffee. “Wait, let’s see what do they want. You know, there are four types of ponies who break into the Statue in the middle of the night.” “What types?” “Type one, Watchers. They just want to watch the dawn from the top. Type two, Junkies. Type three, Pissers. Both these types are now almost extinct, there are better places to have a fix or take a leak in this town–” “Wait,” the other guard interrupted him, staring at the screens. “It seems that they do love each other…” “Well, that’s the type four. Frankly, the most common one.” “What are we gonna do? Arrest them?” “Wait, let them finish…” “...maybe we even discover that giant neuralyzer installed here. You know, the one Ponies in Black used when the aliens landed in Manehattan…” They were walking up the stairs. Bon Bon recalled the article she’d read few weeks before, about curing headaches with sex. She hoped that it was true. “Lyra, there is no neuralyzer here. Also, aliens don’t exist.” “But–” “No, humans don’t exist either.” “Meh, humans are overrated.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “You know, each year about a hundred of them arrives to Equestria, Celestia keeps them in the caves under her palace and experiments on them. Nothing interesting. I prefer those big aliens with tentacles…” “Remind me: when we get home, I’m getting rid of your stash of Neighponese comics.” “They are graphic novels! Besides, I don’t have them.” “What have you done with them?” Bon Bon looked at her unsurely. “I gave them to your sister.” “WHAT?” “Don’t worry, she already read them and gave them to Button Mash. Keep circulating the tapes…” “Good for him…” They were now on the top of the Statue, watching the city below them. “Also, Ponies in Black do exist. They have their headquarters in Canterlot and–” “Lyra, if they existed, they’d already zap you with the neuralyzer. You know too much about them…” Bon Bon regretted those words almost immediately, seeing Lyra’s panicked look. “Who knows? Maybe they zapped me? Bonnie! I don’t remember what happened to me during Shining Armor and Cadance’s wedding! And I was in the caves with Minuette and Twinkleshine! I saw the Ponies in Black and they neuralysed me!” Bon Bon did the only thing that was right – she hugged Lyra and kissed her, preventing her from speaking. At first Lyra almost jumped back, but then she relaxed, wrapping her forelegs around her marefriend. Their lips parted. Bon Bon saw that Lyra was now much calmer and said softly: “You don’t remember anything because you were enchanted by the Changeling Queen. You know, big, black, hammier than stoned Vinyl, with holes everywhere except the places they should be…” “Really? Then how she takes a–” “I’d rather not know. Maybe that’s the reason she was so pissed. Pun not intended.” Lyra snickered. “I love you, Bonnie.” “I know.” They kissed again, longer than before. Lyra lit up her horn, wrapping them in warm, magic cocoon, gently placing them in horizontal position an inch above the floor. “It’d be easier if we just brought some blanket from home,” Bon Bon muttered. “Don’t worry, I have one with me…” Lyra levitated the red, checkered blanket and put it on the floor. Then she gently released Bon Bon from her magic grasp and put her on it. “How are you able to carry a blanket, a guitar, a lyre, and whatever else you’re carrying with you without anypony noticing?” “Hammerspace.” Lyra explained. Bon Bon decided not to question that, deciding that it was probably some kind of magic. That, or Lyra was even weirder than Pinkie Pie. Besides, she had other things to do than thinking about her marefriend’s antics. Lyra lay down on the blanket, spreading her hind legs and yanking her tail. Bon Bon smirked and licked her lips slowly, lowering her head. Unlike Vinyl, Bon Bon had never been in Neighsia, learning the forbidden love techniques from self-proclaimed masters. Instead, she learned everything she knew by herself. When she was a filly, Bon Bon liked to eat yoghurt without using the spoon, by licking it out of the container. Later, when she grew up, she discovered that it wasn’t so different from what she was about to do. Just in case, she’d taught her sister to eat yoghurt that way, but Twist proved herself to be straight, so she didn’t need it. Meanwhile, many miles from there, a certain redhead filly sneaked into Bon Bon’s house through the open window. Technically, she should be worried about her sister who’d gone missing, but as Berry Punch and Vinyl Scratch were also out of town, she assumed that they were somewhere together. Once inside, Twist trotted to the front door and opened it for another cute filly with glasses – grey, with braided mane and with a masterfully crafted piece of cutlery as her cutie mark. “So, the laboratory is in the basement?” Silver Spoon asked. Twist nodded. Bon Bon’s laboratory, where she was cooking her ‘special’ candies was probably the best equipped one in Ponyville, unless somepony accidentally wandered into the dungeons below the Golden Oaks Library. Both Silver Spoon and Twist had a knack for chemistry – Twist’s newest hobby was organic chemistry, especially synthesising morphine’s derivatives, while Silver Spoon leaned more towards metallurgy. Apparently, there was more chemistry involved, as well as physics and biology, as “a trip to the laboratory” soon ended on Bon Bon’s kitchen table, proving once and for all that karma was not only a bitch, but also liked to strike out of nowhere. On the next day, when visibly laid back Silver Spoon left Lyra and Bon Bon’s house, she decided that she needed to rethink her life. She even considered being nice to other ponies for a change. Strangely, she also really wanted to eat some yoghurt. Bon Bon, unaware of what was happening in her house, began licking Lyra’s clit. She turned around, positioning her nether regions above Lyra’s face. “Magic fingers?” She heard the unicorn’s muffled voice. “Magic fingers.” She felt her sex being assaulted by Lyra’s tongue and a warm, soothing aura of magic, massaging her clit and flanks. Bon Bon’s mind blurred. She felt Lyra’s body twitching under her, as she stuffed her tongue deep into her. Lyra moaned. It was hard to achieve, since her mouth was rather occupied at the moment, but she somehow managed to do this. Bon Bon knew that her marefriend was rather loud, but tonight she didn’t care. They both knew each other’s bodies well and were making the best of it. The blanket was soon soaked with Lyra’s juices, its smell causing a raging tempest of hormones inside Bon Bon’s body. She felt that she was wet too, her arousal dripping on Lyra’s face. “Chill out Bonnie,” Lyra muttered, “Imagine those headlines… ‘A mare drowned while having sex on the top of Statue of Liberty’...” “Then try not to drown…” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. Lyra liked to talk in bed (or, in this case, on a blanket), often about really weird stuff. Not the weird stuff they liked to do, but even weirder stuff that was making Bon Bon, usually eager to try new things, cringe. For example, she could never look at the hoofballs the same way again. The only way to stop that was to keep Lyra’s mouth occupied. It wasn’t exactly helping, but at least she was much quieter. Bon Bon stopped thinking, letting the feeling building up in her crotch overcome her. She kept caressing Lyra with her tongue, reaching deeper and deeper into her. The unicorn’s hips bucked and she moaned loudly, being at the verge of orgasm. Bon Bon smirked and retreated from her marefriend’s pussy, earning a spank from her. She waited for a few moments, till Lyra started to regularly hitting her flank and placed her tongue on her pussy, licking it slowly. Lyra gave out a high-pitched moan and suddenly bit Bon Bon’s hind leg, a stream of juices erupting from her marehood. Bon Bon hissed. It was going to leave a mark but she was ready to forgive Lyra, feeling her magic inside, teasing her nerves exactly in the way she liked. She was just licking Lyra’s arousal off, when she suddenly felt somepony’s gaze on her. Feeling chill running down her spine, she slowly lifted her head and saw two ponies wearing guards’ uniforms desperately trying not to look at them. “Oh, fuck me…” she muttered. To her horror, she heard Lyra’s muffled reply that could be only interpreted as “what do you think am I doing right now?”, followed by a magic expanding in the place where, considering the circumstances, it absolutely shouldn’t go. Although they both liked to experiment, there was a set of rules they were following. One of them, probably the most important, was “solid objects in Bonnie’s anus are a no-no”. This, however, didn’t apply to magic, and Bon Bon soon discovered that this particular part of her body was quite sensitive. Simultaneous stimulation from both sides could end in only one way. “We can exp– Ooohh!” before she could finish, her sight blurred and her mind drifted off in the most powerful orgasm she had in months. Her muscles twitching, she rolled off Lyra, who lifted her head, wiping Bon Bon’s juices from her eyes. “Hi guys…” she said, seeing the guards’ surprised faces. “Smile, Bonnie!” Lyra cracked her widest grin, the one that made her look like a serial killer. Bon Bon stared at the photographer from underneath her eyebrows. The flash blinded her temporarily. “Okay, now side view…” the guard ordered. After taking a photo, they were walked to the cell. “I want a lawyer,” Bon Bon said. “You’ll need it…” the guard deadpanned. “Hey, you didn’t say what exactly we’re accused of!” Lyra shouted. “The full list is still being made.” he replied. “But, as you may guess, breaking and public indecency are not your biggest problems…” “I changed my mind.” Bon Bon said. “I don’t want a lawyer, I want at least ten lawyers…” “I regret nothing.” Lyra stated. The door of the cell was locked behind them. Bon Bon sat on a bunk bed, hiding her face in her forelegs. “Hey, do you think they’ll give us the tape from CCTV?” Lyra asked. “Lyra… just shut up…” “Oh come on, tomorrow we’ll call Vinyl, they’ll bail us…” “That’s what I’m afraid of…” The door opened and a guard walked in, carrying a long scroll. He cleared his throat and said: “Well, after checking out reports from the whole town, we accuse you of…” “...murder of a cabbie, stealing a taxi, abduction, assaulting a guard on duty, filly sexual abuse, breaking, public indecency, driving under influence, teleporting under influence, casting under influence, swearing in public, and property damage. More exactly, crushing several cardboard boxes.” Bon Bon sighed. According to the guards, she could only call one pony. Now she was not sure whether her choice was good. On the other side, Vinyl was silent. “Sound like a cool party,” she finally spoke. Bon Bon facehoofed. Author's Note The next chapter will probably be the last one. Also, part of this chapter was inspired by a scribble I saw, that read "fuck old women and young policemen!" The discussion was almost identical. In Which Berry Punch Takes ManehattanAuthor's Note Warning: while, unlike two previous chapters, this one doesn't contain clop, I wrote part of it while drunk. Not that the part I wrote while sober is much better or something. In Which Berry Punch Takes Manehattan “I can’t believe they ended up in prison!” Octavia exclaimed. “Bon Bon is so responsible…” “Yeah, right.” Vinyl deadpanned. They were walking down the street, unable to find any taxi. To makes matters worse, it just started to rain. “I still don’t get how they got caught.” Berry observed. “Lyra can teleport, why didn’t they escape?” “I think I know,” Vinyl replied, smiling mischievously. “When Bon Bon called, she mentioned something about public indecency. If it was indecent enough, she wasn’t able to teleport.” “What do you mean by ‘indecent enough’?” Octavia asked, smirking at Vinyl. “That thing you did with your hooves tonight would surely be enough…” “Excuse me while I throw up,” Berry said, her face indeed a bit green. Octavia looked at her and decided that quarreling with Vinyl about who was more indecent last night wouldn’t be wise. Especially considering the fact that she had a habit of vomiting when she saw a pony throwing up. Probably her subconsciousness didn't want the fellow pony to feel lonely. “I hope they weren’t too indecent…” she said. “Your brother was really kind to give us the money to bail them, but they can be in a real trouble…” “From what Bon Bon said, they murdered a cabbie and molested a filly… Or the other way round.” “Bloody hell…" Octavia cursed with her flawless Trottingham accent. "We’ll need to get them a barrister…” “A barista?" Vinyl asked. "Well, a coffee would be great, but I don’t think it’d help them.” Octavia facehoofed. “A barrister, not a barista. It’s how we call an attorney in Trottingham.” “Cool. They not only help you with the law thingy, but they also make a coffee. I’d like to go there one day…” Octavia only shook her head. Being Vinyl’s roommate taught her to just give up hope sometimes. “I wouldn’t bother.” Berry said. “You know what I think about foal molesters. I have a daughter and–” “Yes, we know.” Vinyl interrupted her. “But we’ll need to confront them about that first. You know, no one is guilty until proven innocent.” Berry looked at her, amazed. “That’s quite wise for you… Did you also study law?” “No, that’s just what my attorney said when Sapphire Shores filed a restraining order against me.” “Vinyl, thousands of ponies saw you fighting with her during that MTV Equestria event.” Octavia sighed. “There was no way somepony would prove you were innocent.” “Yeah, but I also filed a restraining order against her…” “Because she kicked your ass?” Berry laughed at Vinyl's expression. “What? I saw that on TV too…” Vinyl shot her a nasty glare and turned away from her. “I’d still cut every foal molester’s balls off and feed them to him…” Berry said. “Well, good luck trying that with Lyra and Bon Bon. Dunno how about Bonnie, but last time I checked Lyra had no balls. And I was really close...” “Vinyl, please..." Berry made a gagging sound. "Small technical difficulties. I’ll find a way…” “Are you misandric?” Octavia asked innocently. “What kind of question is that?” “Every time we meet you, you mention castrating a stallion at least once. That’s getting creepy.” “She wants to have a dick, that’s simple.” Vinyl grinned. Berry gave out a fake laughter. “Vinyl, sweetheart, penis envy is soooo last century... Octavia, I assure you, you’d want to do that too if you were married to Mr. Faster-Than-Light…” “So, it’s about your ex? Do you want to talk about that?” Octavia asked. She started to look for some comfortable couch to sit Berry on it, but she found none. Manehattan was a weird town, but even there it was difficult to find a couch standing on the pavement in the middle of the town. “No. Besides, I don’t want to castrate every stallion, just the ones who hurt foals.” “Did your husband hurt them?” “No, it’s just–” “So, you want to castrate the molesters and your husband?” Vinyl asked, smiling triumphantly. “Because he couldn’t satisfy you and left you with a foal, you hate the whole male population of the planet?” “I don’t want to castrate my husband, buck off! When did that conversation become a psychoanalysis of me, conducted by a pony who got rutted by her own brother?” “Hey, I didn’t! Octavia was between us for the whole time!” “Vinyl!” Octavia blushed heavily. Several ponies looked at them. “Still, it sounds incest-ish.” Berry smiled triumphantly. “Besides, this whole conversation will be pointless, if they actually killed the filly and molested a cabbie.” “Double standards now, huh?” Vinyl asked. “You’re okay with harassing stallions?” “I’d be more interested in Berry’s approval for killing fillies,” Octavia said. “Okay, you got me. I hate kids…” Berry blushed. “Your daughter must be a poor child…” Octavia sighed. “Actually, I think I know how it works.” Vinyl said. “You know, foals are like farts – you’re okay only with your own ones…” Octavia facehoofed. As a Vinyl's roommate she knew more about her farts than she wanted to know. Berry snickered. “You know, that’s the wisest thing I heard from you in a long time,” she told Vinyl. “You should shag your brother more often.” “I didn’t shag my brother, for Celestia’s sake!” “His bad…” a pony walking behind them said, “You’re hot, sweetheart.” “Thank you,” Vinyl said, flattered. “and go buck yourself with a shovel.” “If you say so…” He laughed and walked away. “Geez, this town is full of creeps…” “...said the pony who had a threeway with her own brother…” Berry replied. “...said the pony whose pick-up line is ‘lower my IQ even more’...” “What?” Berry looked at her, dumbfounded. “You don’t remember?" Vinyl grinned. "Too bad, that was rich…” “Okay, it’s official: I’m not going to drink anymore. Ever.” “Sixty eight,” Octavia muttered under her breath. “Is that some kind of code?” Berry asked. “It’s like sixty nine, but with a fat chick,” Vinyl explained. “Thank you Vinyl, I’m always fond of an expert’s opinion…” Octavia sighed. “I meant, Berry that it’s sixty eighth time I hear you telling us that you’re not going to drink anymore.” “Sixty eight times since we met?” “No, in last six months.” “Sweet Celestia, I need help…” Berry shook her head. “Don’t worry, that’s what friends are for…” Vinyl wrapped her hoof around Berry, causing her to groan with disgust. “I can be your sober companion.” “Vinyl, there are few sober companion requirements you don’t exactly meet,” Octavia said, “like being sober, for example.” “Don’t worry, I can go without drinking for–” Vinyl made some quick calculations, “–three days in a row? Geez, I guess I need help too.” “Too bad I can’t help you,” Octavia said. “You simply drive me to drink…” “That’s not what you told me last night…” If stares could kill, Vinyl would be dead. Well, if they really could kill, she’d dead long ago. Every pony in Ponyville sent her a death glare at least once. It was a kind of tradition. Silent, they approached the police station. The building was quite familiar to Vinyl – in fact, she had already gotten arrested in Manehattan twice. It was long time ago, in the early years of rave scene, when illegal gigs were still truly illegal, instead of being merely a form of entertainment for bored posers. Vinyl still had a scar on her forehead after she’d hit her head against the bars. In fact, she was lucky that she only was arrested twice. She was always good at running, especially in her teen years, before she had acquired a layer of cancerogenes in her lungs. “You know, I got arrested here once,” Berry said suddenly. “What?” Vinyl asked. While Berry had a tendency to have too much fun from time to time, she always knew where to draw a line. Well, for most of the times. “I don’t exactly remember. I got drunk, then my friends carried me to an illegal rave party…” “Carried?” Octavia rose her eyebrows. “Illegal rave party?” Vinyl’s jaw dropped. “Exactly. I hardly remember anything, but the DJ was shit. Then the guards came and my friends left me on the floor. That imbecile DJ tripped over me and they caught her too…” Berry chuckled. “You know…” Vinyl muttered, “When I first met you in Ponyville you looked strangely familiar to me…” “No way… Really, Equestria is a small place...” “THEY LOCKED ME IN THE CELL WITH A GROUP OF AGGRESSIVE FILLYFOOLERS BECAUSE OF YOU!” Vinyl shouted at the top of her lungs. “I don’t know these mares!” Octavia, her face red, shouted to the crowd gathering slowly around them. Nopony believed her. “You should’ve called a guard then…” Berry replied, trying to stop Vinyl from trying to strangle her. “That’s not the thing! They were going to have an orgy in the cell... But when I was locked with them they told me that I was too young, stopped being aggressive and spent the night talking about knitting… I hate knitting...” “That’s not what you told me last Hearth-Warming…” Octavia deadpanned. Vinyl told her what she could do to herself with a knitting needle, earning another nasty glare from her. “Oh… I’m sorry, Tavi…” “Apology accepted. I’m used to the fact that you talk first and think later…” “If ever,” Berry added. “From what I understand, you just tried to strangle me only because a few years ago you landed in jail with a group of aggressive fillyfoolers who didn’t want to molest you?” “They told me that I was too young!” Vinyl exclaimed, tears in her eyes. “I was sixteen! Who wouldn’t want to buck a sixteen-years-old?” “Me!” A pony next to them, escorted by two guards, replied. “They’re too ol–” The door closed behind him. “Well, me neither,” Berry said. “Though for different reasons. Also, Vinyl, you have issues. Like, tons of them.” “What do you know about her issues…” Octavia said with a sigh. “I live with her…” She sighed again and started to sing: I'm seeing this mare and she just might be out of her mind Well she's got baggage and it's all the emotional kind… Suddenly, Berry put her hoof in her mouth, almost causing her to gag. “Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but we spent last ten minutes standing in front of the police station, talking about aggressive fillyfoolers, bucking underaged fillies and knitting. Singing is the last thing we need…” Octavia muttered something incomprehensible. “She asks you to remove your hoof. You stepped into something gross,” Vinyl explained. “Whoops… Sorry…” Berry smiled sheepishly. “Okay, don’t you remember why we’re here?” Vinyl exclaimed, while Octavia was spitting on the pavement. “We need to save Lyra and Bon Bon.” “Maybe you should stay outside then?” Berry asked. “I know you, you’ll only cause more trouble…” “Don’t worry, I know how to talk to the guards…” Actually, it was true. Vinyl, being the DJ, anarchist, drunkard, and junkie met a lot of guards in her life. In fact, from the Crystal Empire on the North to the Changeling Territories on the South, there was no police station without at least one mugshot of her. She quickly learned that storming the commander’s office yelling “whom should I give head to be released from here?” wasn’t exactly the best way to get out of arrest. Deep inside, Vinyl was a master of diplomacy. She could easily become a lawyer, if she didn’t have an attention span of a goldfish with ADHD, fed with cocaine. Don’t ask how she knew how a goldfish on cocaine looked like. Before Berry could say something, Vinyl stormed the police station. She walked down the corridor, found the room with the biggest number of guards in it and yelled: “Good morning, guys. Whom should I pay to get my friends outta here?” “It depends,” a grey unicorn guard replied. “Who are your friends?” “Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon… Hmm, I don’t think she has a surname. That’s weird. All my friends have surnames, but Bon Bon…” She noticed the guard’s condescending expression. “Actually, nevermind. They were accused of some small shi– I mean small things, like having sex in public, murder…” “Oh, I know that case,” he replied. “Luckily for them, it figures that they didn’t kill the cabbie. Also, the filly they allegedly kidnapped is at home, preparing her cute-ceanera. That still leaves public indecency, vandalism, stealing a cab and–” Suddenly he froze when he saw Berry and Octavia entering the room. “You…” he said. “Yes, me,” Berry replied coldly. Vinyl looked at her, then at the guard. Then back at Berry and again at the guard. Some rusty gears started to move in her head. Out of the blue she remembered that Berry’s daughter was a unicorn. “Oh, I didn’t recognize you…” she said to the guard. “You must be Mr. Faster-Than-Light! Berry told us lots of things about you! Like, really nice things…” Despite her best attempts, the temperature in the room continued to drop. The silence was getting really awkward and Berry finally decided to break it. “Vinyl,” she spat with disdain. “Did your mane catch fire when you were a foal and your dad tried to quench it with a shovel?” “No, it was my mom. Why are you asking?” “How the actual fuck could you think my ex-husband’s name was Faster-Than-Light?” “Umm… because you’re calling him like that all the time?” By the “I will kill you slowly” look in Berry’s eyes Vinyl deduced that it was wrong answer. “Because we live in a country where you can call your child Filthy Rich and no one says anything about that? Hell, poor Bon Bon doesn’t even have a surname!” “Vinyl… two words: shut the fuck up…” “These are four words…” Berry’s ex-husband, whose name definitely wasn’t Faster-Than-Light, corrected. “Shut up! And you were wondering why I left you…” “Could anypony tell me what’s Bon Bon’s surname? I won’t be able to sleep at night if I don’t know that…” “Her surname is ‘Bon’,” Octavia explained. “First ‘Bon’ is her name, while the second is her surname.” Behind her, Berry and her ex-husband were arguing whether ‘the’ was a word or not. A moment later, their argument was about the source of the “Faster-Than-Light” nickname. The guard wasn’t very pleased when Berry told him. Vinyl nodded. However, she had one more question. “Excuse me,” she said to Berry’s ex-husband. “If your name’s not ‘Faster-Than-Light’, then what your name is?” “Sucker Punch,” he deadpanned. “Wait,” Vinyl turned to Berry. “You still use your husband’s surname?” “Of course not!” Berry exclaimed. “I returned to my maiden name, which happens to be ‘Punch’...” Vinyl grinned mischievously. “And you were trying to tell my that I’m into incest…” “It’s not incest! We’re not a family!” “Yeah, right… How many Punches are in Equestria? I bet you’re cousins…” “I can give you enough punches to break all your bones… And I guess Sucker will also throw you some for a good measure.” “Oh come on… his name is really Sucker? That’s a lame name if you ask me...” “Heartstrings! Bon! You have a new friend!” The door to the cell opened and Vinyl was pushed inside. She looked at Lyra and Bon Bon and smiled sheepishly. “Hi, girls,” she said. “Let me guess,” Bon Bon muttered, sitting on the bunk bed and watching Vinyl carefully. “It wasn’t your fault?” “Totally not,” Vinyl replied. “One of the guards is Berry’s ex-husband. Things kinda escalated from there.” “Of course,” Bon Bon deadpanned. “Then why she’s still free while you’re in prison?” Vinyl flipped her mane and sat on the bed next to her. “I may or may not have implied that their relationship was incestuous…” she said. “But she started it. She kept telling me that I had sex with my brother–” “You did?” Lyra asked. Her ears perked up. “So, that’s what this noise came from!” “What noise?” Vinyl’s cheeks suddenly became red. “I didn’t make any noises…” “Yeah, right… You were squealing like Bonnie when I brought that huge, black, spiked–” “Lyra, please…” Bon Bon facehoofed. “It’s not something you discuss with other ponies…” “Says the pony who had sex on the top of the Statue of Liberty,” Vinyl giggled. “How it was by the way? I always wanted to try, but I’ve never had an occasion.” “Best night ever,” Lyra said. Bon Bon decided that facehoof wasn’t enough and hit her head against the wall. The brick fell off, revealing a rusty spoon hidden behind it. “Oh, come on, Bonnie…” Lyra patted her marefriend’s head. “I’ve been with Vinyl before, we are kinda open in that matter. Like, she also passed the test with a huge, black, spiked–” “I’d rather not have that mental image in my head, thank you,” Bon Bon interrupted her. All she wanted now was to change the topic of this conversation. “Before you got yourself arrested, did they say something about the bail?” “And did your brother fuck you?” Lyra asked innocently. She wasn’t the pony who’d get drifted off the topic easily. “If I had a brother, I’d totally do him… How about you, Bonnie?” “I’d like you remind you that my sister is sixteen… And no, I’m not attracted to her in any way.” “Too bad. She’s cute. And adorkable.” “I’ll pretend that I didn’t hear that. And that it didn’t sound creepy at all. How about getting us out of there, Vinyl?” “Well, you’re only charged with assaulting a guard, stealing a taxi, public indecency, and vandalism. The filly you foalnapped is at home, preparing for her cute-ceanera.” “We didn’t foalnap a filly…” Bon Bon was tired of explaining that to anypony. Yet, deep inside her soul she also wanted to hear the story of Vinyl’s relationship with her brother. She didn’t care about the fact that Vinyl was also tired of explaining that to anypony. Talk about double standards. “Is her cutie mark a toaster?” Lyra asked. “I have no idea. I’ve never met her, you know. Was she hot?” “I’m not into fillies, especially the ones who called me a spinster,” Bon Bon replied. “I don’t know…” Lyra said. “The closest I got to her was when my whole tail got covered in her piss.” “Kinky,” Vinyl commented while Bon Bon covered her mouth with her hoof. Weird, considering the fact that she had witnessed that, but Bon Bon was one of those ponies who could watch almost anything, yet hearing about it made them sick. Vinyl was on the other side of the spectrum: at home, she had a special calendar with a fetish for each day. After ‘vore day’ Octavia wanted to move out. “Okay, fillies aside, we have a problem,” Vinyl said. “Berry and Octavia have money only to bail two of us. Currently, they’re considering various options.” “Octavia and Berry? Then you have a problem,” Bon Bon deadpanned. “Not since I gave Octy an orgasm of her life yesterday,” Vinyl replied. Then she sat back on the bed, watching her fellow inmates’ shocked expressions. “Also, Berry thinks you two are a bunch of fillynappers, so she has a hard time deciding who of us to free…” A restaurant table was littered with papers. Berry tossed the pencil aside, drank some coffee from the cup next to her and looked at Octavia. “Well, according to my calculations, they won’t get too big sentences… Vinyl’s too smart for that,” she said. “How about yours?” “With our money, we can ditch them, go to Las Pegasus and we’ll have some money left to waste in the casino…” Octavia replied. “Hmm, Pinch will be on vacation for one more week… We can totally go there.” “Still, it doesn’t feel right… We can’t leave them here like that…” “Oh, come on!” Berry rolled her eyes. “We’ll go to Las Pegasus, win some money and then we’ll be able to bail all three of them.” Octavia sighed and took a sip of her tea – third one this morning. She was from Trottingham, after all. “I wouldn’t feel good in Las Pegasus without Vinyl… It’d be much funnier with her…” “Your definition of ‘fun’ is surprising…” Berry replied. She knew that being with the hyperactive DJ in place such as Las Pegasus would end up in total humiliation. They’d end up getting thrown out of the casino, vomiting on the pavement and waking up in one bed in some dirty hotel room. That didn’t fit to Octavia, but Berry… “Yes, we must definitely bail Vinyl out. Then we can go to Las Pegasus.” “How about Lyra and Bon Bon?” Octavia asked. “We can bail Lyra. Bon Bon can’t drink, play poker, and she’s always sarcastic.” “Yeah, because you’re totally not sarcastic…” “Said the daughter of some upper-class twits from Trottingham. Sarcasm is your first language…” “I come from working class…” Octavia blushed. “Oh, come on… Reverse snobbery now? Due to a certain accident involving love poison and Apple Bloom I now live next to Carousel Boutique, I can recognize a fake fancy accent when I hear one…” “Are ya sure? I’ve been learnin’ it for years. Since I got me cello, I’ve decided vat I’ll be like one of ‘em upper class twits as ya called ‘em.” “I can recognize a fake non-fancy accent either,” Berry deadpanned. “I ain’t no cheatin’ ya… Okay, I do. I kind of wanted to show my parents that I’m not like them. That’s why I moved to Ponyville and–” “–started to live with Vinyl? Well, that’s a sacrifice…” “Vinyl’s not that bad. At least she does the shopping and flushes the toilet.” “Good to know that she got the basics… How about… umm… weird stuff? Like, Vinyl level of weird?” “Oh, I got used to it. Really, she’s not that bad once you get used to her leaving pornographic newspapers everywhere, sleeping at random times of day…” “Yeah, right… My cousin is kinda similar. Maybe you know her… Her name is Cherry Berry.” Octavia thought for a moment, trying to recall the name. “She’s the one who likes balloons, right?” she asked. “Balloons, helicopters… Definitely she thinks ‘earth’ in ‘earth ponies’ isn’t something that would limit her. You know, she once crashed that absurd helicopter of hers… Since then she has a titanium implant in the skull… And she’s even weirder than before. She wanted me to help her build the alcohol-powered aircraft…” “Did it work?” Octavia asked. She knew that the primary reason why Berry liked to hang out with Vinyl was because she seemed normal in comparison. “Not really. I drank the whole fuel. If we ever managed to take off, I don’t remember it…” Octavia decided not to tell her about that memorable day in Ponyville history when Berry and her cousin became the first earth ponies to reach Mach 1. Cherry Berry probably didn’t know about that either – due to numerous crashes, her short-term memory was as reliable as some of her flying machines. In fact, she was recently making more money as a test subject in various neurology research programs than as an engineer. “Couldn’t Cherry take us to Las Pegasus? We could go there, win enough money to bail all three of them and go back in one day.” “If you really want to get a concussion…” Octavia thought for a moment before finally resigning from this plan. Playing cello was difficult enough even without brain damage, and the chance of winning was too small to take a risk. “Okay, let’s go and bail Vinyl and Lyra. Bon Bon can wait.” “What’ll her sister say?” Berry asked. “She’s one of those kids who ask too many questions… Besides, I don’t wanna wake up one day with a death ray shoved up my flank...” “Oh, come on. Twist doesn’t construct death rays…” Octavia replied. “No?” “No. She’d poison you with a candy. And then she’d apologize and smile adorkably at the jury so long that nopony would find her guilty…” Octavia said. “Crap… So, maybe we should bail Bon Bon? Too bad none of our friends reaches Twist level of adorkableness...” “Hey, I’m quite close,” Lyra said, walking in. Berry Punch choked on her coffee. “You!” she shouted when she managed to cough it out. “How did you get out of jail?” “Vinyl offered a blowjob to every guard in the station if they set us free,” Lyra replied and looked at Berry and Octavia, expecting them to look surprised. They didn’t. “How long before she’s done?” Octavia asked. “We have a train to catch…” Lyra rolled her eyes. “I said she offered that, not that they accepted. But then Bon Bon remembered that she knows a good lawyer and called him.” “What lawyer?” Octavia asked. She knew a few lawyers personally. They were all heavy drunks and had a sick sense of humour, but still they were more well-behaved than, for example, doctors. Octavia knew a few doctors too. They had even sicker sense of humour and liked to swear when the patients weren’t around. But they were still nothing when compared to nurses. “Hmm… Do you remember that guy who murdered seven ponies with an axe, burned down two houses and pissed off Twilight Sparkle by not giving back a book from the library in time?” “Yes…” Octavia replied unsurely. In fact, she had every article about the pony in question in her scrapbook. Reading about murders was helping her in composing. “It’s his lawyer. You know, the one who convinced the jury that all of this guy’s mental problems were caused by the fact that he had to go up the hill to get to school.” “And what did he do in your case?” Berry asked. “He talked with a few ponies and they set us free. For example, he proved that our indecency was public only because there are cameras on the Statue of Liberty... Vinyl and I have to find a support group for anonymous sexoholics and Bon Bon has to go to an assertiveness training…” Lyra explained. “Hmm, I’ve heard Iron Will will come to Ponyville soon,” Berry said. “And we’ll have to do some community service… He told us that he can get us out of it, but we didn’t agree… After all, we did some bad things tonight…” “Yeah, some…” Berry muttered. “Is there any catch?” “One. We don’t have money to pay him… And he refused Vinyl’s offer to pay him, umm… you know how.” “Don’t worry about that, sweetheart,” Octavia said. “We didn’t have to bail you, so we have money… How much do you need?” Lyra told her. At first Octavia just stared at her blankly, before finally articulating a long and complicated bunch of words commonly considered inappropriate to use, especially in presence of young fillies. “So…” Berry muttered. “I guess I’ll call Cherry Berry…” The four turboprop engines powering contra-rotating propellers were making lots of noise. Berry Punch was trying to focus, as she was about to make one of the most important decisions in her life. Too bad, her own cousin, a pink mare with a yellow mane wasn’t helping her. “Fasten yer seatbelts and *hic* light yer cigarettes… or whatever...” Cherry Berry exclaimed. She took a sip from the bottle she was holding and grabbed the stick with both her hooves. “Soon, we’ll be in *hic* Fillydelphia!” “Las Pegasus,” Berry deadpanned. “It’s Las Pegasus.” “Of course, Pinot Noir.” Cherry Berry laughed to herself. She just had to make a sharp turn to dodge the group of pegasi flying in another direction. She wasn’t sure of many things since she had left hospital with a titanium implant in her skull, but she knew one thing for sure: a pegasus and a contra-rotating propeller meant trouble. And lots of cleaning. “It’s ‘Berry Punch’, you drunk moron…” Berry sighed. “You know?” Vinyl said. “One can guess easily that you two are a family…” “One more word and I’ll take care of your parachute…” Berry looked at the board in front of her, then at the cards she was holding. Also, I’m buying Manehattan.” “That’ll be 160 bits,” Octavia said. She was a banker in every Monopony game they were playing. Unlike Vinyl, she was able to count the money and, unlike Lyra, she could resist the temptation to rob the bank when nopony was watching. “Can I buy it from you?” Vinyl asked Berry. “No.” “But I already have Baltimare and Las Pegasus!” Vinyl exclaimed, banging her hoof against the floor. Some piece of the machine fell off. Fortunately, it wasn't really important. “That’s why I won’t let you have it. Last thing I need are your hotels here…” “Watch out, turbulence!” Cherry Berry shouted from the cockpit. They braced themselves, but nothing happened. “False alarm,” Berry said. “She’s always like that.” “Five hundred bits,” Vinyl offered. “And I can give you Appleloosa.” “Take those bits and put them where the Sun doesn’t shine. I took Manehattan and I’m not gonna give it to you.” “May I?” Bon Bon asked and took the dice. She threw them and moved her piece. “Hmm, Trottingham…” “I already own it,” Berry said. “I even have a hotel there.” “Friggin’ capitalist…” Vinyl muttered. “Said the pony who owns Canterlot and Cloudsdale…” Lyra deadpanned. Due to some unfortunate throws in the last few turns, she was now almost bankrupt. Suddenly, Cherry Berry’s flying machine started to shake. Vinyl screamed in fear and hugged Berry, simultaneously stealing Manehattan card from her. “Told ya!” Cherry Berry shouted from the cockpit. “Remember not to throw your fellow passengers outta window. Not to mention the pilot. We’ll be in Hoofington in no time!” “I have a feeling that she knows you better than the map of Equestria…” Octavia said to Berry who was now trying to strangle Vinyl. “Yeah…” Berry replied, taking the dice while Lyra and Bon Bon were putting the hotels which had collapsed during the turbulence back on the board. “Hmm, it seems that I’m going to jail…” One of the props made a weird sound. Everypony froze but it didn’t seem that the machine was going to fall apart soon. “What was that?” Berry asked unsurely. “We hit a bird!” Cherry Berry replied. “Though… a bird with saddlebags is a rare thing I think…” She chuckled. “I have a feeling that we’ll need a lawyer again before we get to Las Pegasus… Or wherever we are flying…” Octavia said, looking through the window unsurely. “Don’t worry,” Berry looked at the Monopony board in front of her, then at her cards and money. “As long as Vinyl doesn’t own Manehattan, everything is okay…” The weird-looking-flying-whatever-thingy (it was its official name; Cherry Berry was a good pilot, but she wasn’t good in inventing names) headed into the sunset. In fact, it was supposed to go more to the south, but Cherry Berry thought that ‘navigation’ was a name of some kind of a foreign cheese. Besides, she liked to read and she knew well that every good story should end with main characters riding (or, in this case, flying) into the sunset after fulfilling their goals. The goals were fulfilled. Not that they were very complicated to begin with: Vinyl managed to have sex with Octavia. Octavia managed to have sex with Vinyl’s brother. Lyra and Bon Bon managed to have sex on the top of the Statue of Liberty. Berry Punch managed to take Manehattan and was on a good way to win the game of Monopony. Not that Vinyl was an especially challenging opponent. Meanwhile, in Ponyville, Twist and Silver Spoon managed to accidentally discover cold fusion. This discovery would later revolutionise Equestria and turn the turboprop engines used in weird-looking-flying-whatever-thingy obsolete. Cherry Berry didn’t know that, but even if she knew, she wouldn’t mind. She was in the air with her cousin, her friends and a bottle of booze that could be used as an emergency fuel, and it was the most important for her. It was as important as helping Berry Punch to wrap up the story of her taking Manehattan, and much more important than getting to the airport. Las Pegasus could wait.
In Which Berry Sighs And Rolls Her EyesBerry Punch slowly opened one eye. She could swear that her eyelid creaked like a rusty iron door that had been closed shortly after Princess Celestia was born. Her throat was dry like a desert, complete with sand, scorpions and some bearded pony trying to convince his companions that he was just given two stone boards with the list of cool things they totally shouldn’t do. She took a deep breath, causing a dust storm in her throat, and accidentally destroying a quite promising civilisation which just figured out how to build pyramids. Feeling her lungs expand, she tried to open her eyes again. “Great,” she whispered to herself, when she finally managed to accomplish that feat. “They put me in a coffin again.” A closer examination of the box she was in proved that either she was wrong, or the coffin she was in was, for some reason, made of fiberglass, painted white, and placed below a faucet. At least she didn’t have to get up to find a source of water. She simply (well, assuming that something can be simple with a pounding headache, bringing resemblance to a jackhammer drilling a hole in her skull) lifted her hoof and turned the tap. For a moment she was enjoying the stream of cold water pouring on her face. “Don’t forget to close it, I need to keep the bill collectors at bay…” She heard a tired voice coming from the floor. “Mhm,” she replied absent-mindedly. She lifted herself a bit and drank some water. As it entered her system, her brain cells started to finally cooperate on a level she was used to, preparing to execute the program “Berry_has_a_hangover.exe”, module “Regaining Orientation in Time and Space”. “Where am I?” she asked. It was, along with “Who am I?”, “Why there are bars in the window?” and “Why do I have a tattoo on my flank?”, one of those question ponies often ask, hoping in vain that the Universe would find the answer. Well, this time she was lucky. “In my bathtub,” the voice replied, slightly annoyed. “I figured it out myself. Where exactly am I?” “In my place, White Horse Street 42, Manehattan, Equestria.” The “Regaining Orientation in Time and Space” module encountered a critical error. It wasn’t unusual for Berry to wake up in weird places after a decent party, especially if it involved Vinyl Scratch, but they were usually located in one-mile radius from Ponyville. “What am I doing in Manehattan?” she asked. It was one of these questions that neither the Universe, nor the mysterious voice from the floor could comprehend. “I’d rather know what you’re doing in my bathtub…” “Geez, if you weren’t a stallion, I’d say that you’re Scratch. I guess it’s all her fault. It’s always her fault…” “Yeah, since she brought you here, I knew that this wouldn’t end well… And see? I spent a night on the floor.” “Wait… She brought me here?” “You, Octavia and those two...” Suddenly, images started to flash before Berry’s eyes. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling. “Vinyl Scratch…” she muttered through the gritted teeth, “You’ll pay me for that…” “So, it’ll be twenty bits, right?” Vinyl asked, taking the bottle and levitating the money. The liquor store owner nodded. “Okay, see you later,” she said and left the shop. Octavia, Berry, Lyra and Bon Bon were waiting for her. “So, what are we going to do now?” Octavia asked. Of all the ponies gathered, she looked the most interested in the bottle Vinyl was levitating. The DJ snickered – it was the first time Octavia agreed to drink with them. “Find some calm place and celebrate,” Lyra replied. She was carrying an old acoustic guitar on her back. The instrument was scratched and beaten up, the biggest dents covered by colourful stickers. Lyra actually got it after some bar brawl when somepony tried to smash it on her head, what explained its current state quite well. “What are we celebrating?” “Don’t you know?” Bon Bon smiled. “Vinyl and Lyra finally started talking to each other again after that barn incident.” “Incident? I almost lost an eye!” Lyra exclaimed. Bon Bon patted her head and kissed her cheek, causing Berry to groan. “Oh, how could I forget. They burned down my couch.” Octavia sighed. They walked to the park and found Lyra and Bon Bon’s favourite bench. “If we stay here long enough, we’ll watch the sunrise,” Vinyl said, levitating the bottle and opening it with her magic. She took a sip and passed it to Berry. Octavia took a deck of cards. “Poker?” she asked. Lyra poked Bon Bon gently. She didn’t react, save from collapsing on the grass, like a statue of Discord in Celestia’s garden after a hurricane. Vinyl sighed. “Earth pony liver, my flank…” she muttered. “We shouldn’t have changed the rules,” said Lyra. She put her hooves in her black hoodie’s pockets, sitting on a bench in a position that never ceased to amaze Vinyl, who’d give everything to have a marefriend who could bend her spine like that. “We shouldn’t have played ‘the one who loses, drinks’ with somepony who doesn’t know how to play…” “Yeah, I feel much too sober for my liking,” Berry groaned. “And now we’ll have to carry her home…” “Don’t worry, I can fix this,” said Lyra, “My music always makes her feel better.” She took a guitar and stroke a chord. The instrument was terribly out of tune, everypony winced, save from Berry, whose musical abilities were limited to blowing bottle tops. Lyra smiled sheepishly, conjured the tuning fork and started to tune the guitar – a hopeless task, because of its worn-out state. Finally, she reached an effect resembling the standard tune rather than the sound of a cat having indigestion. “Okay,” she said, “It’s a work in progress, so I want your honest opinions on it.” She started to play a rather lazy-paced tune, alternating between two chords in a manner similar to many Jamaneican guitarists. Vinyl took a tissue paper and a bag of some green leaves. Octavia shot her a nasty glare. “What? I’m getting into mood,” she said, levitating the makings and rolling a joint. “And you still wonder why we are only roommates…” Octavia sighed. “Well, that’s the fourth reason, right behind your obnoxiousness, idiocy, and the fact that you’re constantly ignoring me when I’m telling you that I’m heterosexual.” “It’s about flushing the toilet again, right? I apologised!” Lyra cleared her throat. “I’m trying to play here!” “Okay, okay, I’m shutting up,” said Vinyl and lit the joint. Lyra went back to playing ska strokes, this time a bit more aggressively, and finally started to sing: There was a farmhouse surrounded by grass, Where lived a stallion and a pretty lass. He was a guy, who had lots of class, And everyday he bucked her… trees, To bring the apples for her to squeeze. She made a cider so well and so quick, In a small farmhouse built of red brick, She brought him some cider for him to lick, And poured the rest on his tail and his… leg, ‘Cause she was ditzy and bumped into keg. “Sweet bucking baby Woona, shut up!” Bon Bon groaned, waking up. “See? I told you this would work,” Lyra smiled innocently, helping her marefriend to get up. “I need to take a walk…” Bon Bon slurred. “Good idea!” Vinyl shouted enthusiastically, blowing the smoke straight on Berry’s face. “Do that one more time,” the earth mare muttered, “And you will learn why there’s ‘Punch’ in my name…” “Oh, come on, Berry, you never smoked weed? Everypony did, even Octavia. And Lyra–” “Can we not talk about that?” Octavia asked, “I think I now know what Berry meant about being too sober.” “Really, Octavia, you too?” Berry rolled her eyes. “I have a daughter, right? I’m trying to be a role model for her.” “Yeah, right…” Vinyl smirked, “You drink like a fish who had too much chili and your daughter is now on vacation with auntie Minuette instead of–” “I’m trying, okay?” Berry sighed and drank the rest of the alcohol from the bottle. “I’m not drinking that much. Not when Pinch is around. I once drank some punch from the bowl during a party, but it was because earlier that day Apple Bloom tried to sexually harass me with a bunch of apples and I was a bit traumatised. Then she saw me drinking it and I got a reputation.” “Let’s *hic* kill Apple Bloom!” Bon Bon exclaimed, trying to gallop to Sweet Apple Acres. She failed miserably, due to her motor cortex neurons still being affected by ethanol. Vinyl and Lyra approached her and helped her to get up on her hooves. “I think we should walk her home,” Octavia said. They all got up and headed to the gate of the park. “And Vinyl, please, don’t blow smoke in Lyra’s face.” “It’s okay,” Lyra replied, inhaling the smoke. “I don’t know why do you think that I shouldn’t–” “Sparkler’s 18th birthday,” Octavia deadpanned. “By Discord’s kidneys!” Vinyl exclaimed, panicked. She quickly spat the joint on the ground and stomped on it, giving Lyra a worried look. Berry stared at them, confused. “Umm… should I ask?” “Oh, just college days,” Octavia explained, “It was just Vinyl being Vinyl and Lyra doing funny things while stoned.” “Everypony does funny things while stoned,” Lyra said. “Yeah, but your funny things are… how to explain that? Well, look at exhibit A: Vinyl Scratch,” she pointed at the DJ, who was just laughing to herself, jumping up and down on a path. “While she’s dumber than usual, she’s mostly harmless.” Lyra nodded. Octavia continued: “You, on the other hoof, fell into a cauldron with a magic weed when you were a filly. Since then you get ideas.” “Wait,” Berry interrupted. “You’re trying to tell me that Vinyl actually was in a college?” “Yep. Canterlot High, although more high than Canterlot, actually. But she even graduated.” “See?” Vinyl suddenly appeared next to Berry, who jumped backwards, startled. “I’m not dumb! I was a DJ in the school radio, I was even in theater group! Why, oh why you keep pestering me, undertaker’s daughter, bringing fresh flowers to my grave? How about you?” “Hold your horses, William Flankspeare of our generation,” Berry deadpanned, “Actually, I am an engineer. I wrote a paper about Saccharomyces cerevisiae.” “Sa… what?” “Yeast, my little pony, yeast. Used in winemaking.” “Well, that was predictable,” Lyra said with an uncanny smile on her face. They already left the park and were walking next to the liquor store where Vinyl had bought the vodka. “How about we buy another bottle?” “Sure, why not,” Berry said. “I’ll need much more to manage being next to Vinyl for the rest of the night…” With these words, she entered the shop. Octavia looked at Lyra and noticed a subtle change of her expression. Both unicorns were supporting Bon Bon, whose face was now slightly green. Vinyl was partially in her own world, looking at the stars above them. Lyra was smiling unconsciously, looking into the distance. “Hey guys, guess what,” Berry said, coming out of the shop. “I told this guy to surprise me, and he gave me this.” She showed them a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag. “You shouldn't have said that. Last time I told somepony to surprise me, I woke up with a changeling in my bed,” Vinyl said. “That was when that sexy princess got married. You know, the one who’s second on my “Ponies I Want To Bang” list.” “Who is first?” Lyra asked. Octavia shot her a death glare. “I see that at least somepony had fun when I was running away from the herd of changelings and Lyra woke up in the caves with Minuette and Twinkleshine, looking for a bunch of flowers…” Berry deadpanned. “It was a male changeling.” “So? Don’t tell me that you don’t swing that way. Remember that dragon in Neighpon?” “Mhm… But changelings are out of question. Have you ever seen changeling’s wankie?” For a moment Berry looked at her, confused, before she understood what Vinyl meant. “No… I guess I haven’t had time for that. I was more focused on other parts. Like fangs, for example.” “They practice traumatic insemination. It looks like a hammer drill.” “Ugh…” Octavia shuddered. She always had a vivid imagination, which was usually very helpful. However, vivid images of changelings’ private parts weren’t something she’d like to see. “So, what did you do?” Berry asked. “I beat the crap out of him and tried to make him transform into something more pleasing to my eye, but he couldn’t get Octavia right, so I left him unconscious in the hotel and went to my turntables where I fell asleep. Then Pinkie woke me up.” “Berry, can you open that bottle? I have to get some mental image out of my head,” Octavia deadpanned. “Here you are.” “Cheers, luv.” Octavia drank some alcohol from the mysterious bottle and winced. “Cor blimey!” she exclaimed, choking. “That’s some bloody rocket fuel…” “Yeah, I already feel as if I was in Trottingham…” Lyra muttered. Octavia passed her the bottle. The unicorn took a sip and swallowed hard. “Well, that’s proper good…” she whispered as soon as she was able to breathe again. “Proper,” Octavia corrected, pronouncing the word with no trace of the final ‘r’, “But don’t worry, luv, I’ll make a proper Cockneigh of you, then we’ll send Vinyl to Coventry and Bob will be your uncle.” “Where’s Coventry?” Vinyl asked. “And who’s Bob?” Octavia only sighed. Lyra levitated the bottle to Bon Bon, but reconsidered passing it to her, seeing that she was now leaning against the wall. She was probably asking herself some deep, philosophical questions about life, universe and everything, including, but not limited to such things as how to end the world hunger, how prices of gems in the Griffon Empire influenced the demand for lemons in Zebrica, and if the pavement was a good place to revisit her supper. Lyra decided not to disturb her and passed the bottle to Berry, who took a sip with a straight face and gave it to Vinyl. The DJ levitated the bottle and chugged from it, enjoying the moment of feeling the taste of liquor on her tongue, dripping into her throat and warming up her stomach. She closed her eyes, hoping for that moment to last forever. Then she recognised the taste and almost spat everything out. “For Celestia’s pituitary gland, what have you bought Berry…” she gasped. “Something’s wrong?” “It’s made of mandrake…” “So? Are you allergic? Should we shove a pipe up your throat to prevent you from suffocating?” “Not so fast, you don’t deserve the right of shoving anything in any hole in my body. I mean that after mandrake booze, you can, hmm…” She stood up in attention and recited: “Side effects include: loquacity, logical thinking deficiency, tachycardia, tachypnoe, delirium, increased libido, seeing funny things.” “What funny things?” Octavia asked, looking at Lyra unsurely. “Fairies, unicorns… You know, like Sparkler’s 18th birthday, but on acid.” “Will you ever bugger off?” Lyra asked, glaring at her angrily. “I apologised.” “Lyra, sweetheart, you still get the accent wrong,” Octavia chuckled. “By the way, I always thought that Sparkler’s 18th birthday was on acid…” “No, it wasn’t acid, it was just Lyra and her inexplicable animosity towards bathtubs.” “I can *hic* see four unicorns…” Bon Bon slurred, “Two are green and two are white… Damn unicorns, why you so scary?” “Not that kind of unicorns… If you see, dunno, pink fluffy unicorns, dancing on rainbows, don’t believe them. These guys are usually up to no good.” “Well, it’s too late anyway,” Berry said, “We all drank this stuff. Give me the bottle, Vinyl, apparently we’re going on a trip together, so I want to have a drink.” “One… two… three...” “Five,” the pony sitting behind the ticket counter prompted. “Okay, five,” Octavia said, trying to focus on the pony and not on the fact that all the words she said were now floating around her like colourful balloons. “Where does the next train go?” “Manehattan,” the pony deadpanned. He had seen way too many passengers in his life to care about these five mares, of which none seemed to be right in the head. “Okay, so… one… two…” “Five.” “Five tickets to Manehattan.” “I’m telling you, mate, it’s a bloody good idea,” Lyra said. “I, like, haven’t been in this bloody town for ages.” “Yeah, you also have never been in Trottingham in the whole life, ma’am,” the cashier muttered. A bit too loud, or Lyra’s hearing improved after drinking a fair share of the mandrake booze. “So? Am I bovvered?” Does my face look bovvered? Am I–” Octavia smacked her, knocking her down, and grinned nervously at the cashier. “I’m sorry for her. She usually isn’t so, umm… mentally challenged, at least in comparison to Vinyl.” “Still ain’t bovvered!” Lyra shouted from the floor. She stopped when Octavia stomped on her. “Yeah, I see,” said the cashier, his face expressing pure indifference. “Are you sure you want to go to Manehattan, ma’am?” “Of course,” Octavia replied, “It’s my mate’s idea.” “Which one?” the cashier asked, looking at the mares sitting on the benches and, in case of Lyra, lying on the ground. Berry, thanks to her almost indestructible liver, looked the most sober of them; her state greatly improved since the Flutter Ponies that were pestering her for the last twenty minutes flew away. Vinyl, on the other hoof, was now somewhere in outer space, judging by occasional murmurs, such as “Good evening, Nightmare Moon! What a nice weather we have today. The void is always so refreshing after coronal mass ejections,” or “Wooow, from a position I am standing I can see Uranus in a close proximity…” Her state was worrying Octavia – it wasn’t common for her to use words that were three syllables or longer, the sole exception being “pornography”. Bon Bon, who was the only non-high member of the party, was nodding off. “My new bestie’s, of course!” Octavia laughed, poking Lyra with her hoof. The green unicorn reacted with a stream of invectives, mostly with blatantly fake Trottingham accent. “Yeah,” the cashier replied. “I can see that you get on really well. Here are your tickets.” “Thank you, sweetheart.” Octavia waved at him and trotted to her friends. “Move your flanks mates, we have ten minutes… Vinyl are you still on Uranus?” “I just crashed my cutting-edge, faster-than-light rocket into it.” “Faster than light?” Berry chuckled, “Just like my ex. Too bad his rocket wasn’t in the same wormhole as yours, though, of course, Pinch is my beloved little filly.” Suddenly Bon Bon groaned. Everypony turned to her. “I’m shorry,” she slurred. “But yer wormholes…” She hiccuped. “I’m only intereshted in one wormhole…” She pulled Lyra closer to her. “See what you’ve done?” the green unicorn said, trying to free herself. “You just had to pull that big, red lever labelled ‘Bonnie the Drunk Pervert’, and now there’s only one way to turn her off, and I can’t do it in front of you…” “I haven’t been pulling any levers recently, no matter of their colour and size,” said Vinyl with sadness in her voice. “How about your rocket?” Octavia asked innocently, “There surely are some levers in it.” “I told you I crashed it…” “Hmm, if I recall correctly, you already crashed it twice this evening,” Lyra observed. Bon Bon was still hugging her tightly, but at least she stopped trying to wander southwards with her hoof. “IT IS A CYCLICAL PROCESS, FOOL!” Vinyl shouted, making a theatrical pose. Everypony looked at her. “Sorry,” she muttered. “I felt like in a theater group again.” “I think it’s because you don’t pull enough levers,” Octavia commented, giggling. “At the moment, I’d rather push some buttons, but unfortunately, the only engineer who can repair my rocket’s hyperdrive decided to stay on the Straight Planet.” “Oh, come on… There are so many mares around and you just have to keep bovv– I mean, bothering me?” “Hmm…” Vinyl looked around and her eyes focused on Lyra, who had to slap Bon Bon’s hoof again. “Lyra, honey, I guess when we get on a train you and Bon Bon will want to, umm… work on your relationship a bit. Would you like to perform a little experi–” “I’m not letting you touch my buttons,” Lyra replied quickly. “And we’re not going to shag on a train!” “Why not?” Bon Bon asked, “I want to shag on a train! Why haven’t we shagged on a train yet, Lyra?” “Bonnie, you do realise that you live only because I haven’t decided if I hate you or Vinyl more right now?” “Hey, but why not a train? We did it on Berry’s kitchen table, why not a train?” “Vinyl, Octavia, do you, by any chance, want to buy a kitchen table?” Berry asked. “We didn’t, Berry!” Lyra said quickly. “We have it on tape…” Bon Bon slurred. Vinyl stared at her in awe, but at the same time Lyra finally lost it: she stood up and smacked Bon Bon with her hoof. It wasn’t very strong, but enough for the yellow mare to fell off the bench. “Aww…” Vinyl cooed, while Octavia was helping Bon Bon to get up. “I know that left hook well…” “Ask me about that tape and you’ll get to know it better,” said Lyra, fire raging in her eyes. “Oh, beat me, while speaking naughty words in Pferdisch...” “I’m sorry to interrupt your little BDSM session,” Berry deadpanned, “But if you still wanna go to Manehattan, our train just arrived.” Berry felt her train of thoughts got a bit derailed, something she usually associated with the process of sobering up. Normally, she’d just sleep through that phase, shooing away all the dark, depressive thoughts she usually had while it lasted. Too bad, sleeping in a compartment proved to be quite difficult, with five mares trying to recline on the narrow seats. Her friends also didn’t help her falling asleep. Just after they left Ponyville, Lyra decided to piss off Bon Bon more, and kissed Vinyl, who was probably even more surprised by that fact that any other of her friends. Bon Bon’s reaction, however, was totally unexpected – she opened the window, stuck her head outside the carriage and threw up. Berry wasn’t very surprised by that fact – after all, Bon Bon was the most intoxicated of them all. She was actually more surprised by the fact that Lyra managed to kiss Vinyl without following her seemingly ex-marefriend. Especially after the DJ looked at the window, paying special attention to the green and yellow fluid covering the other side of the pane. “You know, it reminds me how I visited the modern art gallery in Canterlot…” she said, “Remember, Octy? That dude’s paintings looked exactly the same…” Octavia looked at the window, her face suddenly becoming pale. In combination with her raven mane it gave an effect similar to the mares from the past, fainting at least twice a day, wearing tight corsets, and dying from tuberculosis at the age of twenty two – best age for an important aristocrat’s daughter to die and still look pretty and young in the coffin. Of course, pretty for those ponies who were wont to attend the funerals to admire the mare’s beauty and weren’t above some physical work with a shovel in the middle of the night, after the bereaved family went home. Lack of scoleciphobia was also a vital trait, as well as courage and ability to create an atmospheric entourage. In fact, some aristocrats of the past made an art of doing weird and ambiguously moral things and calling them ‘eccentric.’ That definitely sounded better that ‘strange’ or ‘weird,’ not to mention ‘queer’ or ‘sick buck’. “I think I’m gonna be sick…” Octavia said, her voice being the faintest whisper, like the sound of the cello string snapping. “Not here, this is my modern art…” Bon Bon muttered. Octavia gave out a small grunt, something resembling a crack of concrete in a hydroelectric dam, slowly eroded by incoming water. She quickly turned back and ran out of the compartment. Vinyl looked behind her, till she disappeared behind the toilet door. “You know,” she said, “I could never understand ponies who take themselves romantic photos on the tracks. If you know how toilets on a train work…” Lyra rolled her eyes. Actually, deep inside her brain, violated by ethanol, slightly battered by THC, and bathed in mandrake alkaloids, she started to regret that she quarreled with Bon Bon, but now it was a choice between her and Vinyl, who at least smelled nice. After a short discussion with her neurons, when glial cell decided to form a small, albeit noisy opposition, she decided to call it a night and sleep by Vinyl’s side, leaving all the pondering for the next day. Octavia came back and, without saying much, she sat on her seat and fell asleep shortly after, resting her head against Bon Bon’s side. Berry sighed. She just couldn’t go to sleep as easily as her friends and felt that she’d spend the rest of the ride in company of Vinyl, whose nocturnal lifestyle and tendency to become garrulous were legendary. She didn’t have to wait long for the DJ to break the awkward silence. “Do you know that on a train everypony is a philosopher?” “Yeah, I’m so keen on philosophy, especially when I’m half drunk, can’t sleep, and my only companion who is awake happens to be an obnoxious DJ. Can we get through this ride without you talking? Please?” “Oh, if you don’t like philosophy, we can always play a game.” “No games either. My mind is too occupied with the thought that I forgot about something.” “We’re travelling to Manehattan, because my brand new marefriend told us so. I guess we all forgot about common sense.” Berry muttered a curse under her breath. For the first time in her life she had to admit that Vinyl was right. “So, if I helped you clear your mind, can we play a game?” Berry sighed and rolled her eyes. She had recently noticed that her daughter also had that habit. “Okay,” she said, “But I’m doing it only because I want to kill some time…” “Okay, so I’d kill Bon Bon, marry Octavia and buck Lyra,” said Vinyl, stretching her hooves and patting sleeping Lyra’s head. Berry wanted to sigh and roll her eyes, but she stopped halfway through, remembering how her parents warned her not to do that, showing her her pegasus classmate, who apparently was rolling her eyes so much that one of them finally got stuck. Berry was never listening to her parents. After she grew up and started her own vineyard, she immediately hired the grey pegasus, who, as the bubbles on her flanks indicated, was very good at making champagne. “And for you…” Vinyl continued, “Those kids who will carry Ponyville flag during Equestria Games.” “Geez, Vinyl, stop being creepy, okay? They’re my daughter’s classmates…” Vinyl ignored her, saying instead: “Because I’d kill Scootaloo for smoking in Octavia’s garden, buck Sweetie Belle, because she’s so cute, and marry Apple Bloom – she’s so smart, remember how she stung us for fifty bits?” “Yeah… That’s actually funny, because I’d kill her for the same reason…” “Oh, I forgot.” Vinyl again made an actress-like pose and recited: “All the horrors which have befallen me, well, Apple Bloom is to blame…” “Can you stop doing that? I don’t know if you got the memo, so I’ll tell you: Ponies. Don’t. Eat. Ham.” “I ate ham once,” said Vinyl, “On a dare, in a griffonian restaurant.” “And how it was?” Berry asked. Even though Vinyl was sometimes annoying, she was also quite useful for ponykind – she was doing stupid things so other ponies didn’t have to. “Well, it was, like, one of the best things I did in my life, except maybe a threesome with kirin twins. Too bad, I later spent the whole day sitting on a toilet. Totally worth it though, but it was, like… Hmm... Have you ever seen Neighara Falls?” Berry groaned. Of course she’d seen Neighara Falls, but now she felt that she’d never look at it the same way again. “Can we not talk about it?” she asked, “Give me another three. I’d prefer adult stallions.” “Okay…” Vinyl thought for a moment. “Time Turner, Caramel, Big Macintosh.” “Hmm… Kill Caramel, because he’s my neighbour and he and Sassaflash are a bit noisy, buck Time Turner because he’s adorable, and marry Big Macintosh, for two reasons.” “Well, I can see only one, but I have to admit that it’s one of the biggest reasons I’ve seen in my life, and remember that kirins have many dragon traits.” Berry sighed and almost rolled her eyes. She thought briefly about some novel she’d read, whose protagonist kept rolling her eyes. Then she remembered that after reading she hid that book in her closet, hoping that Berry Pinch would never find it. “Well, the second reason is that if I married him, Apple Bloom would become my sister-in-law and it would be easier for me to make it look like an accident.” “You’re monothematic.” “Said the pony who keeps talking about pulling levers, clicking buttons, kirins’ reasons and her own bowel movements.” “But I at least want to, like, spread love to the world. Kirins, zebras, mares, stallions… I don’t hate anyone, even you’re welcome.” “No thanks. I’ve seen enough Petri dishes in a microbiology lab.” “Hey! It’s not funny!” Vinyl shouted. Octavia opened one eye and muttered something groggily. “Sorry,” Berry said, “I know, sometimes I should shut up.” “Yeah… Now I know why Minuette is the only pony who can put up with you. She’s, like, Element of Patience or something…” “A trait of every good dentist. But, actually I’ve seen her losing it once.” “No way!” Vinyl exclaimed. Lyra snored a little louder and sink her face in her coat. “Minuette losing it? It’s like, dunno, seeing Fluttershy clubbing baby seals. Even if somepony calls her ‘Colgate’ repeatedly, she only sighs and rolls her eyes.” Is it infectious? Berry thought. She stared into Vinyl’s red eyes, but it didn’t seem that she wanted to roll them in a foreseeable future. Then she thought that Vinyl wasn’t the best test subject – there was no such thing in the world that would be crazy, immoral, creepy, disgusting, or retarded enough for Vinyl Random Scratch to sigh and roll her eyes. “Well, there was a guy from Prance we met at the party,” she said, “He kept forgetting that there’s ‘u’ in her name,” she made a weird expression and continued in an angry, high-pitched voice: “Call me ‘Minette’ one more time and I’ll tie you in my basement and perform a root canal on all your teeth!” “And what he said?” Vinyl asked, giggling. “He thought she invited him for… how you call it?” “Umm… having a lunch box? Eating peaches? Munching a carpet?” “Why did I ask…” “You know, I actually knew one mare, her name was Cunning Linguist… She had to wear clothes because her cutie mark was considered inappropriate for little fillies to see. But, I have to admit, she had a talent…” “Vinyl, you really want me to be scarred for life… And I’m not even drunk enough to forget this conversation.” “In fact, you look pretty sober. Is it morning already?” “It seems so.” Berry looked through the window, ignoring a dry, sickeningly green stain in the middle of the pane. The sun was rising, and she could see the bay – they were just crossing the bridge. “It’s time to wake up our Sleeping Beauties.” Sleeping Beauties soon turned into the trio of annoyed, hung over mares, smelling of sweat, alcohol, and, in one case, vomit. When Vinyl saw them, with dishevelled manes, bags under their eyes, and with aching muscles, unable to crack their backs – carriages aren’t the most comfortable places to sleep – she thought that if they were given a cauldron and put in some cave, they’d probably start to tell prophecies to every Scottish thane that would happen to wander nearby. “Can anypony tell me,” Lyra grunted, “Who had that bucking brilliant idea to go to Manehattan?” “Our bucking brilliant ideas specialist…” Octavia replied, drinking water Vinyl bought when they left the railway station. “Scratch?” she looked at Vinyl with disdain. “Hey!” the DJ shouted, causing Bon Bon to wince and cover her ears with her hooves, which wasn’t an easy thing to do for a quadrupedal being. “After we kissed… After I let you use my flank as a pillow… You do such things to me?” “What have I told you about ponies and ham?” Berry muttered. “Well, that explains the taste in my mouth…” Lyra continued, and spat on the ground. “Lyra, while it’s all blurry here, I have a feeling that it was your idea to go to Manehattan…” Octavia said, ignoring the fact that Lyra and Vinyl were currently aiming their horns at one another. “What? Couldn’t you stop me?” “I’m sorry, Lyra, but stopping you when you’re intoxicated and get an idea is like trying to stop a freight train by jumping on the tracks. It’s possible but then your liver is closer to your brain than it should be. What’s more, we were also in the state when every idea seems good. Just like Sparkler’s 18th birthday,” Vinyl explained. “I’m sorry,” Berry said, “But can somepony explain to me what’s going on with Sparkler’s 18th birthday?” “Maybe later,” Vinyl replied. “Dunno how about you, but I think we all could use a shower. And I know a great place to do that. I can only tell you that it was one of the rare cases when I was the least retarded one.” “Yeah, apart of the fact that it was your fault,” Octavia muttered. “It was Lyra’s fault. Nopony made her eat those cookies.” “Can you stop?” Bon Bon asked, “I’d like to take a shower too. Where can we go?” “My brother lives here,” said Vinyl. “We only need to get a cab…” “Oh no, another Scratch?” Berry groaned and rolled her eyes. Then she grunted with frustration when she realised that she did it again. She started to wonder if she should visit a doctor and ask him about that. “Don’t worry, he’s a nerd. Now, where’s some...” She stepped into the line of ponies waiting for the taxi to come. Berry, also excited by the thought of hot water, decided to make it a bit faster. She bumped into a stallion who was first in line and overtook him. “Hey!” he shouted, “What in Tartarus are you doing?” “Skipping the queue, can’t you see?” “Of course I can!” “Then why you ask?” “Because nopony can skip the line! Even if you were a princess, you’d have to wait for–” “Well, I’m not a pony, I’m a balloon,” Berry said with a barely noticeable giggle, “Blow me.” She sat in a taxi that just stopped by them. The rest of her friends followed her, Lyra sitting on Bon Bon’s laps – apparently, what happened in Ponyville stayed in Ponyville. Vinyl sat next to them and looked at Octavia with hope in her eyes, but, unfortunately for her, the seat was big enough for her to sit next to the rest of her friends. “White Horse Street, 42,” Vinyl said to the taxi driver. The carriage moved, overtaking few other taxis. Soon, they left the city centre and headed to the Neighponese district. “Your brother lives here?” Octavia asked, watching a pair of kirins walking down the pavement. “Unfortunately not,” the DJ replied, “I keep telling him that he should move to some house next to some cute, Neighponese brothel, but he doesn’t listen to me. Sometimes I think he’s gay.” “Well, I wouldn’t be surprised…” Berry deadpanned. “Actually, he’s not. When we were in college, we had a competition, who’d bang more mares.” Everypony facehoofed. Well, almost everypony, as Lyra looked at Vinyl with interest. She was always fascinated with that trait of the DJ’s personality that some ponies called “being overly honest”, while some other ponies, like Berry, called it “sheer idiocy of an erotomaniac-story teller.” “And who won?” she asked. “Me, of course! Though hold your dirty minds, it wasn’t a very impressive competition. Two to one, actually, and he still says that Twilight Sparkle doesn’t count.” “You what, mate?” Octavia exclaimed, “Seriously, after that trip I won’t be able to look into the eyes of half of Ponyville…” “Well, he says that it doesn’t count, since she came to me first and said that she want to check something. Like, an experiment. Then things escalated quickly. Well, don’t tell him that, but actually, we only kissed a few times and that was it.” “Too bad, we’d have such a great blackmail material,” Bon Bon said, “I wonder who was that second lucky mare…” “Me.” Lyra smiled sheepishly. “It was a stage of me discovering my, umm… preferences.” The whole world held its breath. Bon Bon looked at Lyra. Lyra looked back at Bon Bon. Octavia looked at Vinyl. Vinyl tried to look as innocent as she could. It wasn’t easy, as her innocent expression was similar to, for example, Nightmare Moon’s, when she was telling ponies that all she wanted was the greater good. Berry sighed and rolled her eyes. Author's Note It was supposed to be a one-shot, but it got out of control...
In Which Teenage Lyra Heartstrings Says the C-wordAuthor's Note Watch out, ponies having sex ahead. Also, this chapter is even dumber than the first one. In Which Teenage Lyra Heartstrings Says the C-word The taxi left the Neighponese district and stopped in front of some old, four-storey building. Vinyl paid the cabbie, who left quickly, as the neighbourhood looked quite shady. At least one taxi-driver a week was going missing there, not to be heard from again. It was Saturday and all his colleagues were alive last time he checked, so he decided not to tempt fate. “Okay,” Vinyl muttered, “He lives on the third floor.” They climbed up the stairs. Only few months ago, they’d be stopped and interrogated by the landlord, an old, ill-natured mare, but she recently passed away after some accident involving a kitchen sink, washing machine, and her grandson, a kind, likeable colt who happened to be a cultist of Nightmare Moon. None of the tenants paid attention to the fact that she stopped collecting rent some time ago. “Hmm, I guess I can sense the unique signature of the Scratch family,” Octavia said, looking at the door to one of the flats. A piece of paper was pinned to it. She trotted closer to it and read: You’re entering the grounds of Long Play the Cruel. Repo ponies, peddlers, secret agents and aliens will be shot and sold to Griffonian restaurants. If you’re one of those thirteen runty folk metal fans – I’m not going for any adventure with you! Have a nice day. “Seems like a nice guy,” Lyra commented. “You’ll see,” Vinyl said and banged at the door. “Come out, imbecile, your little sis came to visit you!” “Get the buck out!” “Don’t worry, it’s only temporary problem,” said Vinyl to her friends, “I know how to talk with him.” She turned back to the door and shouted: “Your last album sucks Queen Chrysalis’ tits!” The door immediately opened. The unicorn stallion who stood in it was slightly darker than Vinyl, he had red mane and blue eyes, hidden behind red-tinted sunglasses. Berry immediately thought that it was probably something that any member of the Scratch family had to do: build a house, plant a tree, have a son, and rob a sunglasses factory. He also had a golden earring in his left ear. “You should listen to your last album,” he said in an annoyed tone, “It sucks so much that I use it instead of a vacuum cleaner.” “‘Tis the truth,” Berry whispered to Octavia, “One mare gave birth to both of them…” “Well, that explains why your place is so dirty!” Vinyl shouted, “Also, what were you thinking while choosing guest stars? Really, bro? Sapphire Shores?” “I could never understand what do you have against Sapphire…” “It’s like, you ended on this album, like Maretallica ended on ‘Kill ‘em All’! Mainstream manure matching masses’ musical taste. Really, nopony in MTV Equestria was interested in my new album, they kept asking me if you rutted Sapphire Shores!” “I guess it’s some kind of family feud…” Octavia whispered. “I’d rather call it ‘pissing contest’, but we can agree on ‘family feud’, if you like,” Bon Bon replied. “I said that of course, four times a day, and we have a threesome every Thursday. I guess I can’t get another restraining order for that?” “You’d better check your guest stars! I mean, who the fuck is Lyra Heartstrings?” Lyra cleared her throat. “Lyra Heartstrings, at your service,” she deadpanned, looking directly in Long Play’s eyes. There’s an old story about a pony, who looked into the eyes of Death himself, and came back to tell a tale. At the moment, Long Play could see exactly how that pony felt. “Oh, I remember you…” he stuttered, “Well, you can come in, as long as you won’t be doing anything to my bathtub.” “Okay, don’t worry. By the way, I think I’ll call my next album ‘Who The Fuck Is Lyra Heartstrings’...” She smiled and blinked at him. He sighed with relief. “And about you, sis…” he turned to Vinyl. “You’re the most obnoxious, annoying, bucked-up runt in the world, but I love you.” “Love you too, bro. Even though your music is the worst thing that happened to ponykind since the malfunction of sanitation system in Cloudsdale.” “I heard the same thing about your music…” Their quarrel continued when they entered the flat. It looked similarly to Vinyl’s room in Ponyville – speakers, vinyl records and old copies of Playcolt were scattered around the floor and furniture. Bon Bon went to bathroom to take a shower, while Lyra found a can of beer somewhere, sat on the couch and opened it. Berry wasn’t surprised. She sometimes thought that Lyra was partially a genie – she was always magically appearing after somepony opened a bottle. Yet, she never got the ‘three wishes’ part, unless somepony wished to have a weird conversation about conspiracy theories or unknown parts of Equestria’s history. “Breakfast of champions?” Berry asked, “Even I don’t start that early…” “I have to wash the Scratch’s taste off my mouth.” “Wow, sis, I never thought you can be so faithful.” Long Play smirked. “It’s been, like, six years and you two are still together?” “We are not,” said Vinyl, “Actually it’s a bit complicated… You see, Lyra is now with…” “Aaaa!” They heard Bon Bon’s high-pitched scream from the bathroom. “She saw your toilet…” Vinyl deadpanned. “Is it also genetic?” Octavia asked, shaking her head. “No way, I cleaned it recently… I guess she found Betty.” “Who’s Betty?” Octavia asked, her eyes wide. If Long Play was similar to his sister, Betty could be everything, from a dead foal floating in a jar of formaldehyde, to a skeleton of a long-dead ancestor of the Scratch family hanging upside-down from the ceiling. The cellist recalled her own fillyhood and shuddered. “My tarantula. I couldn’t find it anywhere.” “Don’t worry, I got this,” said Lyra. She slowly drank the rest of the beer, crushed the can and put it on the coffee table. Then she trotted to the bathroom. “What’s going on, Bonnie?” “There’s a body in the bathtub!” “Oh crap!” Long Play exclaimed and galloped to the bathroom, more afraid of Lyra being in close proximity to his bathtub than the fact that somepony died in it. When he entered the bathroom, he saw Bon Bon sitting on Lyra’s back and trembling in fear. The green unicorn was poking an orange stallion, whose face was covered with a hat, lying in the bathtub. “He’s alive,” she said, “He’s just more plastered than you, Bonnie.” “It’s Grumpy,” Long Play explained, “We had a small party yesterday.” He leaned to the sleeping stallion and shouted: “Wake up, Grumpy! You should be home, feeding your cat!” Grumpy opened his eyes and looked at them half-consciously. “Yyyyou b-brought ladies?” he asked and reached his hoof to Lyra. “Hello, sweetheart…” “Touch me and I’ll twist your family jewels in a way that is not anatomically possible,” she deadpanned. “Party’s over, Grumpy,” said Long Play, “Go home, you’re drunk.” “Yessssssir…” Grumpy stood up and staggered out of the bathroom, faceplanting in the hall. Vinyl helped him to get up and led him to the door. Judging by the sounds, he fell off the stairs just after he left the flat. “Can I wash myself now?” Bon Bon asked. “Yes, just remember that if you find a tarantula, her name’s Betty and she’s more scared of you than you’re of her.” “I’ll keep that in mind.” Soon, they all were clean. Long Play, in spite of his place’s mediocre state, had a well-stocked fridge, and Vinyl was a good cook, so the breakfast was also of decent quality. “So, what are you going to do now?” Long Play asked, “Some sightseeing? A movie night?” “If your taste in movies is better than Vinyl’s…” Octavia said, “Last time I let her choose movies, we ended up watching ‘Royal Guards’ Casting Couch III’.” “No spoilers!” he exclaimed, “I haven’t seen the second part yet.” “Don’t worry, bro, the action didn’t really move forward since the first one,” Vinyl said, “Also, Octy, when you made me watch ‘Saving Private Braeburn’ I had nightmares for a week.” “What nightmares?” Berry asked. “I had a dream that I became a gunner on an airship and Cloudchaser was trying to shoot me.” “Who is Cloudchaser?” “She’s that sweet pegasus with crazy mane, who totally bangs her own sister.” “Ahh, this one. She doesn’t bang her sister.” “No?” Vinyl’s face expressed pure disappointment. “But they look so cute together…” “Listen, Vinyl, here’s the biggest database of gossip in Ponyville.” Berry pointed at her head. “Gabby Gums can kiss my flanks. If anypony in town bangs their siblings, parents, pets or some unlucky tourists kept in basement, I’m the first to know about that, trust me.” “And how about Aloe and Lotus? They surely–” “Listen, Vinyl, do you have any unresolved issues regarding incest? Because we can fix it while we’re still in Manehattan…” “Of course not,” Vinyl turned to Long Play, “Sorry, bro, I just don’t love you that much.” “Thank Celestia,” he sighed. “I think we’d better go sightseeing first,” said Lyra, “What wrong can possibly happen?” “This is so wrong on so many levels…” Vinyl muttered, looking at the terrible abomination in front of her. “Oh, come on,” Octavia said, “It’s not that bad. Ponies in Canterlot eat that all the time.” “Do I look like a pony from Canterlot?” Vinyl sighed. The fact that Lyra and Bon Bon made it up was an additional blow for her. “Well, you played on Princess Cadance’s wedding,” Long Play said, “By the way, can you introduce me to her? She’s hot…” “As soon as we get home, I’m writing a letter to Shining Armor,” Berry announced, carefully prodding the food in front of her with a fork. “He should know about a unicorn sibling that wants to fornicate with his wife.” “He can join us too, I don’t mind. I almost did his sister, after all.” “What do you mean by ‘almost’?” Long Play asked Vinyl, “You described me in detail what you did with Twilight Sparkle and now you’re saying that you lied to me?” “Pissing contest, round two,” Bon Bon deadpanned. “I didn’t! I told you what would happen if she hadn’t decided that she wasn’t into mares after all! But otherwise, we’d totally bang!” Vinyl shouted, much to the other restaurant’s guests’ dismay. The citizens of Manehattan were used to many weird things, like ponies randomly bursting into songs and swinging around street lamps, but ponies claiming that they did nasty things to members of royalty (usually all of them) were sooner or later put in a special room, where the attentive personnel was carefully checking on the inmates, preventing them from hurting themselves, and where there were no knobs at the doors, just in case. “Umm… Maybe we’ll discuss this later?” Lyra proposed, “I wanted to see the Statue of Liberty without any of you trying to push another one off of it.” “Okay, but you’ll give me that ten bits back, sis!” They finished the dinner in silence and went down the Bridleway. Lyra started humming some tune to the rhythm of her hoofsteps. “Are you going to sing?” Vinyl asked, “You know, I always wanted to walk down the street singing and watch the crowd of ponies joining me.” “I have to remind you that we live in a town where such things happen at least twice a week,” Berry said. “Oh, come on… Nothing ever happens in Ponyville.” “Yeah, except Nightmare Moon, Discord harrassing me with a pepper shaker, plants trying to deflower me, and Twilight Sparkle when she’s off her meds. Totally nothing.” “Wait,” Lyra said, “You have a daughter, so how those plants could–” “Let’s say that if I were Princess Luna, they’d try to attack the dark side of the Moon, okay?” Lyra nodded. Astronomy wasn’t her thing, but she enjoyed astronomical analogies even more than Vinyl, who, after all, spent a large part of the previous night next to the seventh planet of the Solar System. “I’m still saying that it could be worse,” said Vinyl, “I can even sing a song about that… Lyra, Octavia?” “Yes ma’am,” Lyra replied, with her guitar in her hooves. Berry recalled that she was carrying it on her back for the whole time, it just didn’t jump out. Octavia took a bass guitar, which Berry just couldn’t explain, same as the fact that Vinyl was now sitting behind the piano while Bon Bon was testing a drum kit. Vinyl, Octavia, and Lyra sung in close harmony: Is this a real life? Is this just Fanta sea? Chocolate milk’s raining, What happened to reality? Open your eyes, ‘cause up in the sky there is Spirit of Chaos, who needs some sympathy, I went outside, my house is gone, I feel so high, what did I smoke? That buffalo’s dancing, it doesn’t really matter to me… To me... Long Play, who got a robe and wizard hat somewhere, joined them, while Vinyl focused on playing the piano. Mama, I own the town, put a glass dome above it, with Alicorn Amulet, Mama, this is just began, but now I gotta work on the Rock Farm Mama, ooo Didn’t mean to make you cry, If I’m not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on, I’m only picking limestones. Too late, the time has come, Time to apologise, Will Twilight sympathise? I’m sorry, everybody, and now I’ll go To fight with my fears and face the wheels… Mama, ooo I don’t wanna ride, I sometimes wish I’ve never went there at all! Lyra started to play a slow guitar solo, and Berry noticed that she somehow managed to get an electric guitar instead of the old, acoustic one. She closed her eyes, becoming one with the music. Suddenly, she stopped playing, leaving only Vinyl playing a single chord on a piano. The DJ levitated a pair of fake blue wings, a necklace with the crescent moon on it, and put them on, singing: I see a black silhouette on the Moon, The crowd around them answered. Before Berry realised that, she was also singing: Nightmare Moon, Nightmare Moon, will you bring your commando? Shadowbolts and lightnings, very very frightening me! Lyra sung “Galileo!” from the top of the Statue of Liberty, with the highest voice she could muster. Vinyl answered the call. Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Figaro Then they shouted “Magnifico!” together, while Vinyl made a paper hat from a map of the Moon, put it on and continued singing: I’m just a filly, nopony loves me, The crowd answered: She’s just a filly from a royal family, Spare her the life on the surface of the Moon, Vinyl played a short passage on the piano and sung: Easy, come, easy go – sister, let me go home, The crowd, however, wasn’t so nice, engaging into an argument: Celestia! No - we will not let you go - let her go Celestia! We will not let you go - let her go Celestia! We will not let you go - let me go Will not let you go - let me go Never let you go - let me go Never let me go - ooo No, no, no, no, no, no, no - Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go Mare in the Moon has Elements put aside for me for me for me Lyra started to play another solo, this time much faster. Berry got to the microphone and started to sing with her: So you say vines just grew there, right before my eyes, So you think they can buck me and leave me to die! Oh, baby, they can’t do this, baby We gotta fight! We gotta fight ‘em for real! Lyra continued her solo, gradually slowing it down, the sounds of the guitar overlapping with Vinyl’s piano. The DJ continued to sing slowly: Nothing really happens, Anyone can see… Nothing really happens… In Ponyville... She ended with a high note. Lyra, Bon Bon, and Octavia sung “but the dragon’s smoke blows…” before she silenced them by hitting a gong next to her piano. Berry looked around and said: “Okay, that was cool and all, but this guy wants his map of the Moon back, and the music store owner says that while it’s generally not allowed to borrow his instruments, he can forgive us this time.” Vinyl smiled sheepishly at the stallion who was now trying to drag the piano back into the store and unfolded her paper hat. “Good,” said Bon Bon, “But now we have to get Lyra back from the Statue of Liberty. He did she even get there?” “Magic,” Octavia deadpanned, “At least that’s what Vinyl says every time when she ‘accidentally’ teleports into my bed.” “Hey, it’s not my fault that I suck in teleportation…” “And in many other things, if what I heard is true…” Long Play added. “Et tu, Long Play, contra me?” Vinyl asked, shooting her brother a death glare. “Pax,” Octavia said, “Let’s get Lyra and go home, it’s getting late and I’d like to watch some movies…” “‘Daring Do and The Golden Shower’? Ugh…” Berry put the cassette back on the shelf and wiped her hoof in the carpet. “You’re looking at the wrong shelf,” said Vinyl, “Everything here is categorised, see? Adventure, horror, comedy, and, umm… romance.” Berry sighed and rolled her eyes, suddenly realising that she survived almost whole day without doing that. Weird, considering that she didn’t plan to spend a weekend in Manehattan and sing songs in public. “How about this one?” Octavia asked, taking a cassette labelled ‘The Appleloosa Chainsaw Massacre’. “I liked it when I was a little filly.” “I guess you were a lovely kid…” Bon Bon deadpanned. “You’d never guess.” ~~15 years earlier~~ Octavia checked out the chair and put a plug into the socket. The red light on the control panel lit up, indicating that all the wires were properly connected. Octavia smirked. “Fiddlesticks!” she called her cousin. Her yellow coat was contrasting with the colour of Octavia’s room: black walls, black carpet, red bed sheets and a white skull lying in the corner, next to the small guillotine and a headless doll. “What’s up, Octy?” Fiddlesticks asked. “Can you sit in the chair?” “Why?” Fiddlesticks asked unsurely, sitting in the chair. “Because we’re going to play a game,” Octavia replied, strapping her cousin’s forelegs to the chair. “What game?” “It’s called ‘is there a Faust?’...” ~~Now~~~ “May I propose a game?” Long Play asked. “Of course, I love games,” Octavia said. For some reason she started to wonder why her cousin Fiddlesticks didn’t want to visit her anymore. “Drink everytime somepony in the movie loses a limb. The last pony standing wins.” “Well, I like such games too,” Berry laughed, sitting on a couch with a bottle of whisky in her hooves. Long Play immediately started to worry about his liquor stash. It was large, of course. As a musician he had to be constantly connected to the liquid inspiration, but considering the fact that among his guests were his sister, Lyra “Demolition Mare” Heartstrings, and Berry Punch, whom he didn’t know exactly, but she looked like an experienced drunk. Heck, even Octavia, before she finally got a memo that overusing a black eyeliner, and “I will kill you slowly” expression weren’t cool anymore, was able to outdrink almost everypony in Canterlot. Long Play looked at Bon Bon unsurely. He didn’t know her, but, assuming that Lyra hadn’t changed much since the college, anypony who’d dare to pick her up would have to be either permanently drunk or missing some marbles herself. He decided that he’d worry about it later and instead focused on the plot of the movie. He didn’t have to wait long for the first argument over the interpretation of the rules. “Hmm, three limbs at once…” Lyra muttered, looking at the screen with interest. “Does it make three drinks or one?” “I’d get three,” said Bon Bon, who was hugging her marefriend tightly since the first scene. Octavia also drank three times, not even realising it, completely wrapped up in the plot of the movie. Long Play took one, looking unsurely at Lyra. To his relief, she also took only one sip. “Ouch, that was nice…” Vinyl smirked. “Chainsaws doesn’t work that way,” Berry said, “If you tried to do that, it’d bounce backwards and change your face into a puzzle for a plastic surgeon.” “Meh.” To Berry’s surprise, Vinyl rolled her eyes. “Who cares? It looks cool, that’s important.” “Hmm, maybe that’s why he’s wearing that mask?” Lyra asked. “No, he was born like that,” Octavia muttered, “I watched the prequel.” “Ugh, don’t remind me…” Long Play shuddered. “It’s official: there were no prequels or sequels to this movie. Whoever mentions one, drinks five times.” The rule was approved by acclamation. For a while they watched in silence, taking sips occasionally. “Awesome!” Vinyl exclaimed, “Berry, smartass, is it possible for blood to squirt like that?” “Actually, yes.” “Cool…” “Hey, actually ‘The Next Generation’ was good!” Octavia exclaimed out of the blue. “You drink five times. No exceptions.” Octavia muttered something about Long Play’s mother under her breath, and poured herself another whisky. “Hmm, have you ever noticed that it’s always the prude unicorn mare who survives at the end?” Lyra asked. She started to like the movie better since Bon Bon finally gave up watching and buried her face in her coat. “Yeah, it’s the same rule as ‘earth pony dies first’. Unless there’s a zebra, then zebra dies first,” Berry explained, taking another sip, when a pegasus’ wing hit the camera, leaving a trail of obviously fake blood on the screen. “Hmm, so we’re doomed,” Vinyl said calmly, “Octavia is prude, but she’d die first. Then Bon Bon, because she’s the most prone to panic. Then Berry–” “No, then you’d die, because the killer would be tired of you trying to buck him, even with a chainsaw in the guts. I’d be the one who knows that you shouldn’t split the team when somepony gets killed in a gruesome manner.” “Yeah, right. Eggheads don’t live long.” “I think Lyra would make a good final filly,” Long Play said, “She’d survive the whole movie, kick the killer in the balls and get beheaded in the first five minutes of ‘The Appleloosa Chainsaw Massacre 2’.” “You mentioned the sequel.” Octavia laughed. Long Play sighed and drank five sips. “Hmm,” Bon Bon muttered, her voice muffled by Lyra’s coat. “I don’t think Lyra would survive, she’s as far away from ‘prude’ as possible.” “Hey, I’m relatively prude in comparison to Vinyl. And I’m a unicorn.” “Yeah, right,” Bon Bon deadpanned, “Berry’s kitchen. Table. Blender.” “Hmm, Long Play, do you want to buy a table? I can give you my blender for free.” “No, thanks.” “And it was the last time you two were ‘taking care of my house’ when I was away.” Few more lost limbs and one fortunate escape later, the movie ended. Vinyl felt a pleasant buzz. She was half sitting and half lying on the couch. Berry, also rather tipsy, was sitting next to her, while the rest, their level of drunkenness varying from Bon Bon’s “almost completely sober” to “I am *hic* NOT drunk!” in Octavia’s case. Long Play decided to go to his bedroom, while Lyra and Bon Bon decided to empty his fridge. “Vinyl,” Berry said slowly, “Do you know that everypony is a philosopher when drunk?” “I have a feeling that we already had this conversation…” “Maybe… You know, I’m an engineer when sober and philosopher when drunk. Ain’t that funny?” “Is that some sick pick up line, or you’re just trying to bore me to death?” “Don’t mind me, my IQ just lowered after watching that movie with you. But I see that yours is even lower.” Vinyl looked at her. Or rather in her general direction. “If you weren’t drunk, I’d kick your flank so hard that your cutie mark would change into jam…” “Yeah, right…” For a moment they were just staring at each other in silence. A silly thought formed deep in the abyss of Vinyl’s brain: she recalled all those trashy romance novels Octavia was hiding in her room, and how staring at each other in silence usually was ending up with a kiss. Whisky she’d drunk was now telling her that Berryshine B. Punch is actually a nice and handsome mare, and that little Berry Pinch wasn’t really as snarky and condescending kid as she remembered her, and she’d probably be happy having a new mommy. She was just thinking about making a first step, when Berry said: “Lower my IQ more, Vinyl…” “That’s the kinkiest thing I’ve ever heard.” “Vinyl, you’re dumber than I thought.” “Oh, sorry that I don’t follow your enormous, encyclopaedic brain, Engineer…” Vinyl deadpanned. Berry sighed and rolled her eyes. When she did so, her vision slightly blurred before sharpening again. She knew what it meant. The whisky was now at the wheel. She just had to find something to focus on. Otherwise she’d surely do something she’d regret. “You promised me that you’d tell me what happened during Sparkler’s 18th birthday, remember?” “Oh, yeah…” Vinyl smiled at her memories. She sat straight, stretched her hooves, and scratched her flank. “Sit back, children, auntie Vinyl will tell you a story…” she said, “It was that one time when I baked cookies for Sparkler’s birthday…” Vinyl smiled behind her turntables. She saw that the cookies she brought almost disappeared, devoured by the guests. She turned the music louder. The beat, smell of sweat and cheering of a small crowd of dancing ponies were almost bringing her to an orgasm. Well, a certain cute stallion with a skilful tongue, who was crouching beneath the turntables also played a role in that. Vinyl started to wonder how long she’d be able to keep a straight face before somepony would notice. She saw Octavia dancing with Sparkler. They were both blushing and laughing. Octavia only recently got past her “dark” phase and was now prettier than she was ever before. In the background she saw Lyra’s classmate, Twilight Sparkle, who was now lying on the couch, chuckling to herself, perhaps after eating one cookie too much. Vinyl noticed a book lying next to her. “Probably something about birthday parties,” she muttered to herself. “No, don’t stop…” She patted the stallion’s head. She scratched the record, moaning with pleasure. Watching the ponies dance to her music was the best prize for her. Her eyes were scanning the crowd, looking for her fillyhood friend, Lyra Heartstrings. Since she first saw her, she knew what was going on with Lyra. Her humbleness and timidity weren’t very strong clues. The fact that every stallion who wanted to ask her out was either greeted with indifference or dumped after a short and awkward date, however, was one. Vinyl wasn’t even surprised, when one day Lyra came to her and asked her for help. Lyra Heartstrings, the most loveable pony in Canterlot, was in the closet. The closet with glass door, judging by the rumours, but still. That was actually one of the reasons why Vinyl brought cookies. She hoped that in the more relaxed atmosphere, it’d be easier for Lyra to come out. At first she wasn’t sure about that idea, but then she decided to do that, as Lyra was responsible and wouldn’t do anything stupid. Meanwhile, Lyra was sitting on the bathroom floor, charging her horn repeatedly and firing spells at the floor beneath the bathtub. Suddenly the door opened. “Lyra, what are you doing here?” Sparkler asked. “Hey, Sparky, happy birthday once more! I’m trying to lift the bathtub.” “Why do you want to lift my bathtub?” Sparkler asked. Something about Lyra’s behaviour seemed off for her, but, on the other hoof, there could be a logical explanation. Sparkler thought that the cookies she ate were making her feel funny. “There’s a treasure hidden under the floor,” Lyra said. Sparkler looked at her, confused, before something clicked in her head. “Let me help you,” she said, charging her horn. Together, they levitated the bathtub aside. “Hey, Sparkler, Cloudchaser is looking for you– what the hay are you two doing?” Octavia asked, entering the bathroom. “Digging the treasure!” Lyra shouted. Octavia looked at her, outraged. “Without me?” she exclaimed, “Cloudchaser! Flitter! Allie! Come here and help us!” Soon, the six ponies were trying to break the floor with their hooves or magic. The small explosions of beams were slowly crushing the concrete. “We’re close!” Lyra exclaimed, when the hole was few inches deep. She charged her horn for the last time. “Thud!” The floor was obliterated. They quickly stared through the hole, to see the flat below them and a neighbour, a middle aged unicorn stallion. The stallion looked at Lyra, rising his eyebrow. Lyra looked at her friends unsurely. The stallion looked at the ponies gathered above him. Lyra looked at the stallion, scrunching her face. The stallion opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something. Lyra’s brain finally processed all the informations that recently came to it, and after being processed by her drugged grey cells, her thoughts were finally worded: “GIVE US THE TREASURE BACK, CUNT!” “And then I spent the rest of the night, trying to convince that guy to not call the guards.” “Oh really? And how did you accomplish that?” “I simply told him that Lyra is…” for a moment she was looking for the right word, and ended up circling her hoof around her ear. Berry nodded. “Well, even Sparkler finally forgave us. That is, after Lyra paid her for the bathroom renovation.” “And how about Lyra? If you’d give spiked cookies to me, your body would never be found…” “Hey, I might have silly ideas, but I’m not a bastard. Actually, I paid for that bathroom. You know, Lyra was a poor student of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, while I just got my first contract.” “No way. Good Filly Vinyl…” Berry chuckled. “Also, she came to me the next day, and… you may guess.” “What did I expect…” Berry facehoofed. “Yeah… Everything in my life revolves around sex and alcohol. How did it happen? I was such an innocent, little filly…” “Vinyl, please… You’re giving me headache when you’re yourself, but you’re giving me even bigger headache when you’re asking me such questions…” “But I want to know…” “Vinyl, for buck’s sake… I can’t even imagine you as an innocent filly, so don’t expect me to tell you what happened to you.” Berry sighed and rolled her eyes. “I’m going to sleep.” She stood up and walked staggeringly to the bathroom. “Everypony left me…” Vinyl muttered. For a moment she was thinking about a certain shelf in her brother’s movie collection, the one containing movies about ponies having relationships with other ponies, but she felt that she wasn’t in the mood. In fact, she wanted to follow Berry’s example and go to sleep. “I wonder how’s Long Play doing…” As soon as Long Play closed the door of his bedroom, he sighed with relief. His flat was still in one piece. None of Vinyl’s friends seemed drunk enough to cause problems bigger than emptying his fridge. It was a price he could afford. He stretched his hooves, took off the sunglasses and lay down on his bed. He was just about to fall asleep, when he heard somepony’s sweet voice: “Hello, sweetheart…” He looked left and saw Octavia emerging from behind his nightstand. Upon hearing her voice, he realised that she definitely had few sips too many during the game. “Umm… hi…” he said, wrapping himself tightly in his blanket. Octavia was slowly approaching his bed, her smile resembling the hungry shark swimming towards the hapless victim. “Are you okay?” he asked, “You know, if you want I can go sleep on the couch…” “No, it’s not necessary…” There was something wrong about Octavia, he knew that for sure. “I’ve been waiting for you…” “Yeah?” “You know, as far as I hate to admit it, your sister can be cute sometimes, yet I’m not into mares… But you…” “Octy, I assure you, it’s not a good idea… You’ve been drinking for two days in a row and–” “Do you want to see me naked?” “Well, technically, you’re always–” he was silenced by a pink bowtie hitting his face. “Now it’s much better…” Octavia said, sitting on the edge of his bed and running her hoof down her mane. “Come on, sweetheart…” “Don’t do that. You’ll regret that tomorrow…” Octavia sighed and caught his blanket, pulling it off him. Long Play immediately covered the strategically important parts of his body with his tail, but it was too late. “Oh, now I know why they call you Long Play…” Octavia smirked and kissed his cheek, causing him to blush. “Celestia save us…” he whispered. “No, sweetie,” she said, “We don’t need any princesses here, just you and me…” “I’m not sure if I want to do that…” “Why?” she asked, poking him with her hooves. “You’re not gay, are you?” A brilliant idea struck his mind. “Of course I am! I’m more gay than Elton Colt walking through the centre of San Flankcisco, wearing a pair of pink thongs!” “Yeah, right…” She caught his tail and put it aside, revealing the proof that he found her attractive at least on purely physiological level. She looked at it, her smile growing wider. “Also, sweetie, remember that we’ve seen your porn collection… Relax, I’m a cellist, I have flexible hooves...” she whispered seducingly, licking her lips, her hooves slowly going south. He wanted to object, but when Octavia shifted her position, her nether regions suddenly appeared in front of his face. Suddenly, he heard the sound of his bedroom door opening and a familiar voice saying: “Hey, bro, I was just wondering what are you… WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” “Nothing!” he exclaimed, pushing Octavia of off him rather brutally. She landed on the floor, glared at him angrily and went to Vinyl. “I’m sorry, I think I should ask first,” she said, “Vinyl, can I buck the crap out of your brother?” “What? Octy, are you…” she smelled her roommate. “Of course you’re drunk!” “So are you,” Octavia replied, “So, can I?” “Of course not! I see that you don’t hate my genes, you hate me!” “Err… what?” Long Play looked at his sister, confused. Vinyl’s logic was often hard to follow for other ponies, but he usually was able to know what was going on in his sister’s mind. This time, he got nothing. “Shut up, I’m not talking to you!” Vinyl shouted. She turned to Octavia: “We live together, every day I’m showing you how much I love you, and as soon as we go to Manehattan, you have to buck my brother? What happened to you?” “Your ‘showing’ is simply creepy! You never listen to me when I’m telling you that I’m not a fillyfooler! You scared away every stallion I was dating! And your brother is so hot, even though he’s so dumb…” “What?” Long Play asked, raising his brow. “Shut up!” They shouted in unison. Vinyl continued: “Those stallions were idiots! I am the one who loves you. I’m doing the dishes. I’m buying the milk. I learned to flush the toilet after every use. I brought you carbon when you had diarr–” Octavia wrapped her forelegs around Vinyl’s neck and kissed her passionately. Long Play quickly covered himself with a blanket and watched them as they were hugging each other in seemingly endless embrace. Finally, Octavia broke a kiss. She smirked, blushing heavily. “Sorry, it was the only way to make you shut up,” she explained. “Oh, come on,” Vinyl replied, and hugged her. Their lips locked again. Long Play was trying his best not to look at his sister, focusing on Octavia instead. Officially, he wasn’t into incest, but he didn’t want to suddenly find out that he was. This day was weird enough even without the first chair cellist of Canterlot Orchestra trying to assault him sexually in his own bed. Not to mention the same cellist now making out with his sister. “Umm, girls…” he said, seeing that ‘making out’ part was quickly escalating, “Will you, umm… need me for something?” “No,” said Vinyl. She was now lying on the floor, pinned to it by Octavia. “Yes,” the grey mare panted. “What?” Vinyl exclaimed, “No, Tavi, no threesomes with siblings for you.” “Why not?” “I’d feel awkward…” “Vinyl,” Octavia sighed, “Your whole life is awkward… I guess your parents said ‘well, that was awkward’ after they made you…” “Actually, they said ‘can’t you knock?’” Long Play muttered. Vinyl looked at him, dumbfounded. “Never mind,” Octavia said, “Besides, Vinyl, it’s the only chance…” “So, it’s like product bundling? Like, when I buy a cheesecake and I’m given a milkshake, even though I’m allergic and–” Octavia put her hoof on her lips. “More or less. But today, you’ll enjoy your milkshake… “ “I’m not sure if I want…” Vinyl gave Long Play a helpless look. “Close your eyes and think of Equestria, sis. Besides, it’s not incest when Octavia’s between us.” Unlike Berry, Vinyl had no habit of sighing and rolling her eyes, so she failed to do so, instead locking her gaze with Octavia. There was something about those violet irises, something she couldn’t resist. “Come on, let’s go to bed, the floor is cold.” Octavia helped Vinyl to stand up and they sat on the bed, still hugging each other. “Excuse me, bro, give us some place here…” Vinyl said and cleared her throat. She then turned to Octavia, who lay on the bad, spreading her hind legs. “As you’re new to the art of fillyfooling, let me introduce you to the ancient technique I learned from the sensei Cunning Linguist long time ago, when I was in a remote monastery in the inaccessible, snowy mountains of Trotbet. They rarely let anypony outside of Neighsia explore their ways of giving pleasure to another pony, so–” “Wait,” Long Play interrupted her, “That Cunning Linguist… Wasn’t that the mama-san in that brothel in Hayland, where I found you, stoned out of your mind, among the transcolt prostitutes?” “Buck you,” Vinyl replied, “You’re ruining the mood.” “I can’t buck myself with you two here…” “And you should be happy that you met me there and I told you that they were transcolts. You know, when they take the clothes off, it’s too late to escape…” “Excuse me,” Octavia said, “As far as I’m interested in what you learned during your stay in Neighsia, I’d rather see the practical use of it…” “Okay… umm… where was I?” “You were trying to convince me that you allegedly possess skills that will make me come so hard that I’ll start to shit fire.” Long Play felt that it was time for him to intervene. “Umm… Can you not do this in my bedroom? I’m very attached to it. And if you really want to do this, I know some Mexicolt restaurant…” “Shut up, you’ll be next…” Octavia smiled at him menacingly. It was a kind of smile that was passed down through generations of Canterlot nobleponies, usually saved on occasions such as presenting someone an offer they couldn’t refuse. Of course, the smile itself wasn’t enough. Usually it was supported by a large sum of money, covert threat, or just a bunch of henchponies armed with bows, ready to change the poor guy on the other side of the arrow into a fancy pincushion. Octavia had neither money, nor a squad of archers, yet her menacing smile was pretty convincing. It had something to do with natural selection, imprinting a belief that mares with wide hips were better mothers in every stallion’s brain. Long Play, being a simple pony he was, just couldn’t fight the thousands of years of evolution. Not to mention that the wide hips’ owner was also a beautiful mare with raven hair and mulberry eyes. Of course there was also a simple explanation for that: most of the blood in Long Play’s system wasn’t currently in his brain, so his logical thinking ability was slightly impaired. Vinyl lowered her head, putting it between Octavia’s hind legs. She ran her tongue down the cellist’s marehood, teasing her clitoris with the tip of it. Octavia gave out a little moan and began yanking Vinyl’s mane, wrapping her hind legs around her neck. The DJ continued to play with her pussy, exploring its deeper parts with her tongue, described by the tabloids as one of the longest tongues of Equestria’s celebrities. Octavia could never understand why those reporters had came to their house just to measure it. Well, now she knew exactly. She bit her hoof, but it didn’t help: her moan could be heard in a flat below the Long Play’s place, where it woke up a young, aspiring dressmaker, who recently became famous among the Manehattan fashion designers after she quit her job by pouring a pot of coffee on her boss’ head. It’s interesting how easy is to get recognised, if you have a lot of charm and some sass. Now the mare, who had fallen asleep at the drawing board, looked around groggily and put her hooves on her ears to not hear the pony upstairs, who, judging by the moans, was now being pleasured with a jackhammer. She began contemplating her life. Since she started her new job, for a well-known fashionista from Ponyville, she was working almost constantly. She barely remembered how her bed looked like, she was drinking tons of coffee and was almost impossibly frustrated. Hearing another mare having the time of her life, was the last straw. She thought about that cute stallion she’d met few weeks ago, who gave her his phone number. She never called him, too busy to think about that. As she recalled, he was also overworked, filling tons of papers. Even at that hour, he was probably awake. Hesitantly, she took her phone and began dialing his number. Thirty years later, a young scientist called Nikki Pommel became widely known in Equestria, after she developed a stem cell-based therapy of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, saving lives of many ponies. When she was given a Twilight Sparkle’s award for that, she dedicated it to her parents, making a mental note to ask them how they’d actually meet. She hoped that this story would make a great beginning of her autobiography. Octavia bucked her hips in a post-orgasm bliss. Vinyl was lying next to her, panting. Contrary to many trashy romance novels, pleasing a mare with a tongue wasn’t an easy task. It required strength, stamina and some basic knowledge on anatomy. Not to mention that mare juices didn’t exactly taste like apples, cupcakes, peppermint or whatever the pony in question liked to eat. Vinyl wasn’t even sure how Octavia would taste if it was true. She had no time to think about this, although the thought about Octavia tasting like cello was certainly interesting. Her roommate sat down, placing her hooves on her stomach. “Do you know how much flexibility is needed to play cello properly?” she asked, rubbing Vinyl’s belly. “Well, you’ll see…” she smiled, lowering her hooves. She turned to Long Play, lifting her tail. “And you, honey, come here. Your little sis might be the best pussylicker around, but I still need something bigger down there…” Long Play didn’t have to be told twice. Earlier, he had to resist the temptation to push himself over the edge while watching Vinyl and Octavia having sex and he was now hornier than an average unicorn should be. He put his forelegs on the cellist’s flanks, and slowly slid his penis into her tight pussy, still wet after Vinyl’s playing with it. Octavia shuddered, clenching her muscles around it. She then focused on Vinyl, pushing her hoof into her marehood. In the kitchen, Bon Bon’s ears perked. “Have you hear that?” “What?” Lyra asked, and burped. She was sitting on the floor, rubbing her stomach. “These moans.” “Ah, this.” Lyra listened for a moment. “Well, either somepony tries to strangle a cat, or Vinyl just got lucky.” “Ugh… Thanks for the mental image. Now I’ll have to throw up all this food…” “Meh,” Lyra replied, unfazed by her marefriend’s problems. “There’s only one interesting thing about that: who is that lucky pony?” “Lyra, please…” “Well, either she bruises the beaver, which is the most likely, slightly gross, but morally acceptable, or she gets shagged by her brother, which is less likely, creepy and immoral. She may also scored with Octavia, it’s unlikely, but morally acceptable and, I must admit, adorable. Like, I’d clop to that. And I don’t think she invited Berry for a ride, unless I missed the sound of Tartarus freezing over.” Bon Bon made a gagging sound. “Do you want me to hold your mane so you don’t get vomit in it?” “No, thanks, I think it’s a false alarm… ” ‘Don’t worry, I washed my hooves after the shower…” “Why did you need to wash your hooves after the shower?” Bon Bon asked. Vinyl’s moans intensified, causing her head to ache. “I, umm… got a bit excited when I had to save you from that dead guy in the bathtub, and I had to–” “Okay, I get it,” Bon Bon interrupted her quickly. “You should’ve told me, we’d find some nice, quiet place…” “Actually, I think I know one place…” Lyra leaned to Bon Bon and whispered something to her ear. They both giggled, stood up, and quickly left the flat. Princess Celestia’s bedroom was dark and quiet, silence interrupted only by snoring of the white alicorn lying on her back, limbs spread wide. She was tossing and turning, visibly bothered by something. Suddenly, she opened one eye. “Luna?” she asked groggily. “I’M IN MY ROOM, SISTER!” Royal Canterlot Voice echoed through the palace. “Be quiet! Have you called me?” “No, Tia!” Luna shouted back. It was much quieter now, the guards patrolling nearby corridors sighed with relief and removed earplugs from their ears. “I’m too busy shooting noobs…” “Strange, I swear I heard somepony calling my name…” Celestia shook her head. “Sweet bucking Celestia!” Vinyl cried, her body twitching in an orgasm. Long Play and Octavia fell out of bed. The cellist landed on the top and was now riding Vinyl’s brother in a way that would make every cowgirl proud. Vinyl couldn’t help but admire the grace of Octavia’s moves. Long Play’s stomach was just flooded with her juices, when she threw back her head, climaxing. Poor stallion couldn’t withstand for any longer; he called Celestia’s name in vain and a thick stream of his semen hit against Octavia’s pussy. The grey mare fell limply on him, panting. “Wow…” Vinyl muttered, “Octy, where did you learn to do that… thing with your hooves?” “I feel lonely sometimes…” Octavia blushed heavily. Vinyl wasn’t sure if it was only effect of her previous activities. “You need to come more often…” Long Play panted, “I mean, to Manehattan…” He looked at his lower body, now covered in various fluids. “I think I’ll go to wash myself…” He left his room, leaving Vinyl and Octavia cuddling on the bed, and headed to the bathroom. He turned on the light, went inside and looked the door. “Hello, sweetheart…” He froze upon hearing a raspy, lust and alcohol-filled voice from his bathtub. “Horsefeathers…” he muttered. “Wait,” Berry said looking at Long Play, “Did we…?” “No, you passed out before you had a chance to reach me,” Long Play explained, “I decided to stay with you to make sure nothing would happen to you.” “Hmm, I think I should thank you…” Berry blushed. “Yeah… You know, ponies sleeping in my bathtub is apparently a new tradition…” The door opened. “Oh, hi bro,” Vinyl said, trotting inside. She looked at Berry and grinned widely. “Wow, bro, I thought that Octy bucked all the strength out of you, but I see that you also had some fun time with Berry… But you should watch out, she looks for a new daddy for her daughter since she dumped Mr. Faster Than Light–” “Go and buck yourself with a shovel,” Berry interrupted her. “I can’t go, I really need to pee…” “I’m sorry, I can’t help you with that…” “You can, by leaving the bathroom now. Unless you have some crazy kink, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with you two watching.” “Okay, you convinced me,” Berry said, jumping out of the bathtub and trotting staggeringly to the door. “Oh, by the way, Lyra called. Do you have some money to bail them out of jail?” “No, we spent everything on vodka, train tickets, and taxis, why are you… wait, WHAT?”
In Which Bon Bon Facehoofs Multiple Times And Even Lyra Facehoofs Once Or TwiceThe wooden stairs creaked under their hooves. Even outside the building they could still hear Vinyl probably having the time of her life. Bon Bon thought that they were lucky, having rather thick walls in their house in Ponyville. She was a quiet type herself, but Lyra just couldn’t resist announcing to the whole world that she just found a new way of pleasuring herself. At least their sex life wasn’t boring. Bon Bon thought that it was even too interesting, to the point it was sometimes getting awkward. For example, she still couldn’t forget that time when she came back home with two sacks of apples, and what happened with some of them later. Fortunately, Nurse Redheart was known from her ability to keep her mouth shut. “Hmm, it’s far away from there…” Lyra said, looking at the Statue of Liberty, towering in the distance. “Don’t worry, sweetheart, we’ll take a cab.” “How will we take a cab in the middle of the night?” “There’s one there,” said Bon Bon, pointing at the yellow cart on the other side of the street. They trotted to it to find no trace of the cabbie. “Wonder what could happen to him…” said Lyra, carefully avoiding stepping into a crimson trail on the pavement, leading from the cab to the nearest nook. Bon Bon shrugged. “I think he won’t mind if we borrow it for a moment…” “Are you crazy?” Lyra asked. Even though they were both a bit tipsy, the food she’d eaten caused her to sober up a little. Not much, just to point out the things that were wrong in other ponies’ plans. “Who’ll pull it?” “Don’t worry, sweetheart, remember that I’m the earth pony in this relationship…” Bon Bon said, picking up the harness with her teeth. Lyra levitated it, helping her put it on. “Mrr… You look cute in it…” The unicorn giggled. “See? And when I wanted to try SM with you, you told me that you’re ‘not ready’...” “Maybe because your concept of SM involved locking me in a cage in our basement… Why do we even have a cage there?” “Ask the previous owner. It was some Vinyl’s friend.” “Okay, that explains many things,” said Lyra, taking a seat in the cab. She shifted her position slightly and took some object she sat on. “I found a whip,” she announced, examining it closer. “Kinky.” “Yeah… So, let’s go Bonnie! Next stop – Statue of Liberty!” She whipped Bon Bon’s flank. The earth mare pranced and started to gallop, almost crashing the cart against a fire hydrant. She turned sharply, causing the wheels to screech. “Who gave you the licence?” Lyra shouted, holding her seat tightly. “I don’t have a licence!” Bon Bon exclaimed, taking another turn at the full speed, the momentum of the spinning cab almost overturning her. Lyra cursed under her breath. Then she cursed once more, remembering that her marefriend was drunk enough to be pulled over for driving under influence if they met the guards. The only way to avoid it was to go faster to not be caught. “C’mon, Bonnie!” Lyra shouted. They were now riding through the Neighponese District. Lyra waved at the kirins standing in front of one of the restaurants. Bon Bon tried that feat too, only to find out that pulling a cart while galloping on three hooves at the full speed was a bad idea. The cab turned, jumping when the wheels hit the kerb. A group of prostitutes from Hayland standing on the pavement ran away in panic, seeing a yellow mare desperately trying to regain control of the vehicle. “Well, that was close…” Lyra sighed with relief, looking back at the group, now helping each other to get up. “They don’t chase after us?” Bon Bon asked, turning right. “No… Though I wouldn’t mind, some of them looked pretty hot…” Bon Bon sighed. “Remember what Vinyl said? They’re from Hayland, each of them is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you gonna get. Syphilis, chlamydia, a stallion…” “I wouldn’t mind a stallion,” Lyra said innocently. “You?” Bon Bon turned back to her, “I always thought you weren’t into stallions…” “Yeah, but… I’ve never been with a stallion before. I always wanted to try, you know, cucumbers are not exactly the same thing…” “Well, I can’t help you with that.” “There’s a spell for that, it’s called Spell 63–” “No Lyra,” Bon Bon interrupted her, “I still haven’t recovered from the trauma after Spell 34.” Lyra made puppy eyes. It didn’t exactly work, since Bon Bon decided that she was tempting fate for too long, pulling a cart without watching the road. Besides, something about what Lyra said earlier was bugging her. Suddenly, there came an enlightenment. She turned to her lover again. “Remember that one time when you prepared a cucumber salad for me?” Lyra nodded, so Bon Bon continued, her voice getting higher with every word. “You told me that it was ‘special’. Was it a metaphor or…” Lyra said nothing, her cheeks slowly getting red. “Lyra, please tell me that it was a metaphor…” Lyra smiled sheepishly. “You have problems, Lyra…” “But I washed and peeled them! And it doesn’t matter, you… SWEET BUCKING BABY WOONA, WATCH OUT BONNIE, FILLY ON THE ROAD!” Bon Bon started to brake hard, but it was too late. Luckily, she managed to turn, the right wheel of their cab missing the filly by an inch. Finally, they crashed into a tower of cardboard boxes someone stacked on the pavement. Lyra could never understand why there always were cardboard boxes on every sidewalk in every big town she had ever visited. Probably their only purpose was to wait for some cart to crash against them. “I meant that since we are into oral sex anyway…” “Oh, shut up, Lyra…” Bon Bon rubbed her flanks. She didn’t remember much from her physics lessons, but she knew exactly that the fact that she was trying to stop didn’t mean that the cart was going to stop too. Which in her case meant that she almost discovered the joys of being anally deflowered by the thill. Too occupied by their attempts to get the taxi out of the remains of the boxes, they didn’t notice that a brown filly blew her pink mane from her eyes and trotted staggeringly to them. “Ya *hic* don’t look like a cabbie…” she said to Bon Bon. “And you don’t look like a roadkill, but you’re on a good way to become one.” “What were you doing in the middle of the road?” Lyra asked. “Cutie Mark Crusaders *hic* Cider Drinkers!” Bon Bon facehoofed. “We’re doomed,” she muttered, “They’re everywhere…” “Nevermind, did I get my cutie mark?” the filly asked, exposing her flank to Lyra. “Err… you know, I’m not used to stranger fillies mooning at me…” “Oh, sorry… *hic* My name is Seed. Babs Seed. Now, do I have a cutie mark or not?” Lyra sighed, preparing herself mentally to crush little filly’s dreams and hopes. “No,” she said. “Crap. I knew it was a *hic* bad idea…” She took a seat next to Lyra, her face being now the best example of drunken sadness. “Yeah, drinking is a lame talent, if you ask me.” Bon Bon said. “And why are you sitting here?” Babs stopped sobbing and looked at Bon Bon coldly. “Ya might not look like a cabbie, but ya are one, so drive me home, please,” she said, suddenly getting rid of the hiccups. “Sorry, I’m not a cabbie, we stole this taxi,” Bon Bon said. “Doesn’t matter. I need *hic* someone to drive me home!” Bon Bon sighed. It was going to be a long night. She was spending too much time with her friends to not know that arguing with a drunk logic was futile. “Listen, punk,” she said, “See my cutie mark? Yes, candies. I give candies to fillies, then I go with them to my basement where I rape, kill, and eat them. Not necessarily in that order. Luckily, you’re not in my type, so get the buck out before I change my mind!” Babs Seed stared deeply into her eyes. Or rather tried to do so. Few mugs of cider wasn’t much for experienced drunks like, for example, Berry Punch, but it was enough for the filly to get, as Octavia would say, tired and emotional. “So, you’re suggesting that I’m fat?” she asked. “No, I’m just trying to get rid of you.” Tears shined in Babs’ eyes. “No one wants to drive me home!” she wallowed, sinking her face in Lyra’s coat, “I’m gonna die a blank flank! And a virgin!” “There, there…” Lyra cooed. “And you, Bonnie… How can you say such things to a filly! She can’t stay here, we need to help her!” “See?” Babs Seed shouted, turning her face to Bon Bon. “Good to see that there are good ponies in Equestria, not like you, Bonnie…” “Call me ‘Bonnie’ once more, you little brat, and you’ll really end up in my basement…” “Wait!” Lyra exclaimed, “Do you really lure fillies to our basement?” “Please,” Babs grinned. “Bonnie’s not the first pony who were trying to offer me candies. She doesn’t look like one of them. More like a bored, middle-aged spinster. By the way, why there always have to be candies? Candies and candies, do they want me to get buckin’ diabetes?” “Middle-aged? I’m not keeping fillies in my basement, but I’ll start soon!” Bon Bon glared at her angrily, causing Babs to cower in her seat. “Chill out, Bonnie, you’re scaring her!” Lyra scolded, “Now I know why you’re always changing the topic when I talk about children!” She turned to Babs. “Shh, auntie Lyra won’t let her hurt you…” Babs made a gagging sound. “Just drive me home,” she said, “And please, hurry. Ya know, too much cider, I really need to–” “Okay, we get it, where’s your home?” Bon Bon asked. When Babs told her, she raised her brow. “Where the hay is it?” “Oh, come on…” Babs rolled her eyes. “I’ll guide ya.” They got the cart out of the cardboard boxes and rode down the street. Babs started to hiccup again and if Lyra didn’t poke her from time to time, she’d probably nod off. They spent few minutes in silence, save from Babs navigating them through the streets of Manehattan. Suddenly, the filly cursed under her breath. “Cops,” she whispered. Bon Bon froze. “Bonnie, keep it together,” Lyra muttered, “Drive like you’re a legit cabbie, they won’t stop us…” Too bad, Bon Bon’s “legit cabbie” pose apparently wasn’t legit enough for the guards. The other reason could be the appearance of their taxi, battered after the numerous fender benders. “Good evening, ma’am,” said the taller guard. Lyra thought that Royal Guards were always seen in pairs, and one was always a bit taller. She decided that she needed to incorporate it into one of the conspiracy theories she believed in. “Can you show us your licence?” asked the shorter one. Bon Bon did quite well. She started to pretend that she looked for her licence, only to say that she’d accidentally left it at home. “Not good…” the taller guard concluded, “Now, the sobriety test…” “Can you make it a bit quicker?” Babs asked suddenly, “I really need to tap the kidney…” she burped. “And possibly kneel before the porcelain throne. Hopefully not both at the same time.” “Wait,” the shorter guard said and turned to Lyra. “Is that your daughter?” “No, we don’t know her…” “Why is she drunk?” “Hey, I’m not drunk!” Babs shouted, “And they’re sober too, and they’re really nice, Bonnie even offered me candies…” The guards looked at one another. “Can you go with us?” the taller one asked. Lyra gave Bon Bon a panicked look. Think, Bon Bon read in her eyes. Thinking wasn’t something easy for Bon Bon. Of course, as a candy maker, she was a skilled chemist. Yet, coming up with far-fetched, detailed plans wasn’t her forte. Hell, even her younger sister – boring, asocial, heterosexual nerd, as Bon Bon, sometimes-boring, often-asocial, not-exactly-heterosexual not-exactly-nerd would describe her, was better in planning than her. Yet, somehow Bon Bon came up with a plan. The plan was simple and effective. “Hold on to your seats!” she shouted, darting forward. Babs almost fell off the cab, but Lyra caught her with her magic. Bon Bon took a sharp turn, two guards in hot pursuit. “Faster, Bonnie!” Lyra bellowed, “They’re after us!” “You could help a bit!” Bon Bon shouted. Lyra facehoofed at her own stupidity, turned back and fired a magic bolt at the guard, who dodged it, but crashed into a conveniently placed fruit stand. Lyra wasn’t sure why the fruit stand was there in the middle of the night, but shrugged it off. It was Manehattan after all. “When I said ‘help’ I didn’t mean ‘add assaulting a guard on duty to our quickly growing rap sheet’!” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. She wanted to facehoof, but since she was still running, it could easily end with an injury. Or two, considering the rather heavy cab behind her. “Like, dunno, move that cab with your magic?” Lyra thought for a moment. “Okay,” she said, “I saw it in one movie…” Her horn started to glow. Bon Bon felt that the cab started to accelerate, getting closer to her rump. Suddenly, golden magic aura lifted her, freeing her from the harness and seating her next to Lyra. Confused, she looked at the wheels and saw that they were also engulfed in Lyra’s magic, propelling the battered vehicle forward. “Since when you can do that?” Bon Bon asked. “Always! You know, alcohol increases my magic skills…” “Why am I not surprised…” Babs made a gagging sound, watching the nearby building blurring in a haze. They left the guards behind. Lyra sighed with relief, driving the cab through the narrow streets. “So, since we’re safe, we can drive you home in no time, Babs,” she said. “Yeah,” Babs muttered weakly, “And then I’ll have a lot of time to think about new cutie mark idea while grounded…” “Well, cider-drinking cutie mark was a lame idea from the beginning,” Bon Bon replied, rather brutally. “I mean, when I was your age, I also wanted something unusual, but maybe you should think about you’re good at, even if it’s mundane?” “Like, having an egg cutter for a cutie mark?” Babs pointed at Lyra’s flank. “What?” Lyra snapped, almost losing control over the taxi. “It’s a lyre, kid.” “For me it looks like an egg cutter.” Babs looked closer, blowing her mane out of her eyes. Lyra facehoofed, causing the wheel to hit against the kerb. “I can assure you it’s a lyre. I’m playing lyre since I was five, my parents are musicians, some of my best friends are musicians, and I use a knife to slice the eggs.” She looked at Babs, who still looked unconvinced. “You know, I’m not even sure how lyre sounds like…” “What the hell is with the fillies these days?” Lyra groaned, “Do you like music?” “Well, I listen to DJ Pon3.” “That explains everything,” Bon Bon muttered. Lyra, however, didn’t want to give up. “It’s even in my name. Lyra Heartstrings. Lyra. Strings. Lyre.” “Wait,” Babs interrupted, “How could you be named after your cutie mark?” “She was raised by wolves and she already had a cutie mark when ponies found her,” Bon Bon deadpanned. Babs started to think, scratching her head. “How did she discover her special talent among the wolves? Did they use egg cutters?” “Listen kid, I have a whip and I’m not afraid to use it…” Lyra sighed. “Hmm, maybe your special talent is being whipped?” “Meh, we tried that. Scary but fun. No cutie marks. And actually, I think I’d like to be a toaster repairpony.” “Hmm, that’s not a bad idea.” Lyra nodded. “So, have a piece of advice from the older friend: if you want to be a toaster repairpony, find a damn toaster and repair it.” “Right.” Babs eyes shone brighter. “Where can we find a broken toaster in the middle of the night?” Lyra chuckled and patted Babs’ head, distracting herself from propelling the cab forward long enough to almost crash against the mailbox. “You know, Bonnie,” Lyra said, when she regained control over the taxi. “I’d like to have a kid like her.” Bon Bon sighed and rolled her eyes. “She called me ‘middle-aged’ and thinks that your cutie mark is an egg cutter, but I guess you just felt your biological clock ticking.” “Meh. I guess she’s a lovely filly when she’s sober.” “Excuse me,” Babs interrupted, “I still have to take a piss, you know…” “Yeah, lovely…” Bon Bon sighed and turned to Babs. “When I was at your age, it was called ‘going to little filly’s room’.” “Don’t worry, you’ll be home in no time,” Lyra said, “Also, Bonnie, ‘when I was at your age’? You really sound like you were middle aged. And I used to call it ‘changing water to goldfish’. Vinyl, on the other hoof, refers to it as ‘number one’, number two being–” “Sorry, but by talking about that you’re not helping!” Babs groaned. “Pegasus!” Bon Bon shouted, pointing at the guard in the sky. Apparently the Manehattan Royal Guard Department still had problems with magically-powered taxi. “Don’t worry, I got this!” Lyra shouted, accelerating. She made a sharp turn, their vehicle disappearing in the nook. “You do realise that it’s a dead end?” Bon Bon asked. In a golden glow of Lyra’s magic she saw that there were boards stacked by the wall at the end of the nook, making a quite fine ramp. “Shit…” she muttered, seeing that Lyra was now completely focused on her target. The pegasus overtook them and was now diving at them. “Why is everything always stacked in such a way?” Bon Bon asked, seeing as they were approaching the ramp quickly. “I dunno,” Babs replied, “Sometimes I hate this town…” Propelled by Lyra’s magic, the taxi jumped into the air. The pegasus dove, trying to intercept them, when a sudden flare of magic blinded him temporarily. “Duck!” Lyra shouted. The pegasus guard collided with the taxi, tearing a large part of its roof off and parted from it, crash landing on somepony’s balcony. The cab, sent spinning, flew about fifty metres, spinning, before Lyra managed to steady it with her magic, just before it hit the ground. “Wooohooo!” Lyra shouted. The wheels crushed upon impact, the taxi crashing into the conveniently placed stack of cardboard boxes and skidding to a halt in them. For a moment, they were silent, trying to assess if they broke any bones. “Ya know,” Babs said finally, her voice weaker than before, “I don’t need to go to the toilet anymore…” “Eeeeewwww…” Lyra groaned, darting out of her seat. For a moment she hoped that the sudden rise of its temperature was a side effect of her magic, but she was quickly proved wrong. “Shit…” Babs muttered, watching Lyra staring at her tail with an expression of pure disgust. “Is it that bad?” Bon Bon asked. “No, it’s like, shit in a more metaphorical sense…” Bon Bon sighed with relief. Lyra however, couldn’t live it through. “My whole tail is covered in–” “I see, you don’t have to wave it in front of my face… And stop bitching, you’re making a filly cry!” Indeed, Babs sat on the pavement, weeping loudly. Lyra sat next to her, whispering some words of consolation and patting her head. “I’m sooo pathetic!” the filly wept, “I’m gonna die a blank flank! And a virgin! Shamed forever!” “There, there…” Lyra cooed. “See, that’s why you shouldn’t drink. You sound like Rarity.” Babs didn’t listen, crying in Lyra’s coat. The unicorn sighed. “Bonnie, what should we do with her?” she asked, “We can’t give her to her parents like that…” “Maybe we should take her there,” said Bon Bon, pointing at the building in front of them – the public convenience. According to the pictograms next to the door, there were also showers in there. “Hmm, conveniently placed public convenience, pun not intended.” Lyra rose her eyebrows. “Actually, everything in this town appears to be conveniently placed…” Bon Bon replied, “Or we just knew where to crash.” “Coincidence? I think not,” Lyra stated. “What is it then? Everytime we crash, we crash into boxes. When we needed a ramp, we had a ramp. Babs needs a place to wash herself – we land next to the toilet.” “It’s a miracle, Bonnie.” “And what is a miracle, Lyra?” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. Sometimes, Lyra was weird. Well, she was usually weird, sometimes she was just weirder than usual. Bon Bon sometimes wondered what’d happen if Lyra and Pinkie Pie were locked in the same room. Probably the world would explode. “It’s an act of Celestia.” “Listen Lyra,” Bon Bon sighed, “I believe Celestia can change water into cider, find my keys, but, for her mother’s sake, she just doesn’t place toilets on our way!” She had a feeling that they had that conversation before. Way too many times for her liking. “But you can’t deny that–” “Excuse me,” Babs interrupted, “But I’ll soon get a bladder infection from sitting on a pavement with my fur soaked…” “Sorry!” Lyra exclaimed, suddenly snapped back to reality. The washroom attendant was an old mare with a roll of toilet paper as her cutie mark. Babs shuddered upon seeing this. She was far from looking down upon other ponies because of their cutie marks, but she’d rather be a blank flank (and a virgin) forever than find out that her special talent was, according to the popular definition, maintaining and cleaning the facilities, ensuring that toilet paper, soap, paper towels, and other necessary items are kept stocked. “Two showers,” Bon Bon said, placing bits on a counter. “And I need a place to think about my life.” The old mare only nodded. Just like the cashier working on the railway station in Ponyville, she’d seen everything in her life. Two mares and a filly who, judging by the smell, had a tiny accident were just another of countless ponies visiting that place every day. Each one had a story. Some of them were rich, some poor. Some were travelling vendors, some were soldiers, some were drunk, stoned, insane, overly dramatic, there were even few who wanted to cheat Death himself. None of them could even cheat their own bladder. Bon Bon closed the door to the stall behind her. It was old, completely covered in scribbles, layering there for decades. It didn’t took Bon Bon long to discover the familiar hoofwriting. DJ Pon3 had her second best orgasm with a stallion in this stall, on… The date was roughly two years ago. Bon Bon hoped that the stall had been cleaned since then. Next to Vinyl’s confession, somepony wrote with a blue ink: The Great and Powerful Trixie had the best orgasm in her life in this stall, and she didn’t even need another pony. “Eww…” Bon Bon winced, turning her gaze to another graffiti, this time less personal. Buck old mares and young Royal Guards! Next to it, somepony else wrote: Old mares need love too! Apparently it was a heated topic, as the scribbles were followed by few replies, each written by another pony: But they have to pay for it… Poor old mares… Hey, how about old stallions? The conversation was interrupted abruptly by someone who, using a black marker, wrote with gothic letters: Pferdreich, Pferdreich über alles! Below that, somepony replied: Еби твою маму, фашисткий засранец! Bon Bon suddenly remember that Manehattan was a very cosmopolitical city. She turned to the area of the door closer to the wickets, where the scribblings were deeper and more philosophical. For some reason, the first one she read made her think about Vinyl. World’s changing, whorses are constans. “Wait,” she corrected herself. “Vinyl’s not a whorse, she has standards.” Rather low standards – sapient, sentient, consenting, legal, and with compatible genitals (which ruled out adult dragons and changelings in their true forms), but they still were standards. Bon Bon looked at the next graffiti – a groan of frustration of some anonymous being. The brownish colour of the letters made her unsure whether it was written with blood or something easier to obtain in the toilet. I don’t wanna be just a background pony! “Well, good luck with that one…” Bon Bon snickered. She started to look for more more philosophical writings, but she only found a few minimalistic drawings of male genitals. She decided that she had enough of thinking, flushed the toilet, and went out of the stall. Lyra and Babs were already in the corridor, the unicorn drying filly’s mane with her magic. “What took you so long?” Lyra asked. “Thinking,” Bon Bon replied. “Yeah, I know your ‘thinking’... Every morning I have to do a potty dance because you’re thinking in the bathroom…” “You know, once I took a dump so big that I felt regret when I had to flush it…” Babs said, smiling at her memories. Lyra and Bon Bon winced. “And you’re wondering why you’re still a virgin?” the earth mare deadpanned. Lyra shook her head. “Bad Bonnie,” she said, “Don’t remind her of that, we don’t want her to do something stupid… Remember Babs, don’t have sex–” “Because I’ll get pregnant and die?” “Yep, that too. The thing is that you need to find an appropriate colt first.” “Yeah, and don’t tell him about your, umm… business. You know, some colts think that fillies don’t poop and may disgusted when proved otherwise,” Bon Bon added. “Exactly.” Lyra nodded. “And don’t hurry. Focus on becoming a toaster repairpony first. I was 19 when I lost my–” “Yeah, with the most obnoxious mare in Equestria,” Bon Bon interrupted her. “I was 19, okay?” Lyra rolled her eyes. “And remember, the relationship is not only about sex. It’s about dealing with other pony’s quirks, like snoring…” “...farting…” Bon Bon added. “Hey, I don’t– I mean, leaving dirty socks on the floor, such things.” “I don’t even wear socks,” Bon Bon said. “You know?” Babs said, her face expressing disgust, “I don’t wanna have sex. Ever. I wanna go home, go to sleep, and hope that I’ll forget this conversation.” “See? You traumatised her, Bonnie. Now she’ll have issues and she’ll be unable to form a lasting relationship...” “Don’t worry, I won’t have any issues. I don’t need colts, I’m sexually attracted to toasters! Happy now?” “Toasters?” Lyra asked, “How do you… you know?” “The same way you used Berry’s blender,” Bon Bon replied. “I don’t wanna know!” Babs shouted quickly, seeing that Lyra opened her mouth to explain. They left the toilet, bidden farewell by the attendant’s curious glance. “Hmm, the guards aren’t looking for us anymore?” Bon Bon asked, looking around. Somepony already stole the wreck of their taxi, leaving only the sad remains of cardboard boxes. “Psychology,” Lyra explained, “They’re looking for three drunk ponies riding a taxi propelled by magic. They won’t be interested in two mares and a filly walking casually in the street. Even if it’s 2 AM.” “This is so crazy it can actually work,” Bon Bon said. “Yeah…” Babs yawned. “You know, you two are nice, but I’d rather hit the hay. My home is two blocks from there.” “We can walk you there,” Bon Bon proposed, “Something could happen to you…” “No, thanks. It’s only two blocks.” “We know, but what if there’s a crazy axe murderer a block away from there? We’d never forgive ourselves…” “You mean my neighbour? He’s okay, unless he’s off his meds.” Lyra sent Bon Bon a cautionary glance, muttering something that sounded like “we can’t stop here, this is Babs’ country”, but the cream mare shook her head. “No Babs, we’ll escort you till you’re safe in your house…” “Better not. As you said it’s 2 AM. My parents are gonna be…” “Angry?” Lyra prompted. “No, they’ll be disappointed. It’s even worse.” “I’d rather be worried…” Bon Bon said. “Because you’re just too kind…” Lyra nuzzled her. “Barbara,” Babs said quickly. “What?” “Barbara “Babs” Seed, in case you’re looking for baby names.” “What? We’re not–” “Too bad. You two’d make great parents. Laid back but caring. A bit crazy but, dunno, good ponies…” They walked to Babs’ home in awkward silence. Even when the filly finally wished them good night and went to her flat, Lyra was still unusually quiet. “You know,” she said finally, “Maybe we should really think about foals?” “You do realise that the only pony who thinks we’d make good parents is a drunk filly whom we‘ll most likely never see again?” “Yeah, but… Dunno, sometimes I think–” “Can you think about it tomorrow? Tonight we’re gonna have some fun…” Lyra thought for a moment. “Yeah,” she said finally, “Let’s find some conveniently placed bar, I’m a bit thirsty and I guess I’ll need to be in shape tonight…” “Exactly…” Bon Bon muttered, looking at the distant silhouette of the Statue of Liberty. On their way to the monument, they went to a small bar. Not that they liked it very much – just before they entered, somepony got kicked out of it, crashing into the mailbox on the other side of the street. The interior was dark, crowded and dirty, but at least they could buy two pints of cider and some hay fries there without having to get a mortgage. “Good thing I went to think earlier,” Bon Bon muttered, taking a sip of her cider and watching a pair of ponies disappearing behind the old, wooden door. “Apparently, toilets here are only a place to have sex in.” Lyra giggled, seeing two stallions and a blushing, limping mare walking out of the toilet. “Yeah, I was just going to propose–” “No, Lyra,” Bon Bon replied, “It’s the only occasion, I don’t want to waste strength there, with all those ponies around…” “Meh, I don’t mind the spectators. When I was with Vinyl, we went to a swingers party and–” “I don’t wanna know…” Bon Bon downed half of her cider in one go and almost choked on her hay fries. “Nothing interesting, I mostly watched. Actually, that was kinda what killed our relationship…” “Watching Vinyl on a swingers party?” Bon Bon suddenly felt like ordering another pint of cider. And possibly some whisky. “No, trying to keep Vinyl in place when she was given penicillin injections. You know how scared of needles she is? She changed the nurse into a potted plant once…” “Eww… There goes my metaphorical boner…” “You mean Bon-Boner?” Lyra chuckled. Bon Bon gave her a long, condescending look before hitting her forehead against the table. Lyra patted her head. “I’m sorry, Bonnie,” she said. Bon Bon lifted her eyes on her and smiled. “It’s okay.” She smiled, embracing Lyra and kissing her. “We’re gonna make it our special night…” “Yeah.” Lyra giggled, kissing her back. “The night we deflowered the Statue of Liberty…” “Shh… No one can hear about it…” They finished the cider and went out of the bar, advancing slowly towards the statue. The night was warm, full moon enlightening the street. “I have an idea,” Lyra said suddenly, “I mean, it’s kinda combination of two ideas I had earlier tonight…” “I’m not sure if I want to hear that… You know, I love you, but your ideas aren’t exactly the best in the world...” “We should invite some cute stallion over and ask him to knock one of us up. Then we’d have both a threesome with a stallion and a baby.” “That’s exactly what I meant when I said that your ideas aren’t the best…” “Why not?” Lyra made puppy eyes. “First, I don’t want any stallion in my bed, second, it’s unethical, third, you really want to live with some little brat for about eighteen years because another little brat told you that you’d make a great parent? And finally, who’d be that stallion?” Lyra thought for a moment. “Hmm… Time Turner?” “Yeah, and then Derpy would give us arsenic-flavoured muffins…” “Okay… How about Noteworthy?” “As you’d say, meh.” “Hey, he’s cute!” Lyra exclaimed. “But he’s cute in a meh way. If I had to be with a stallion, I’d rather choose somepony more… manly.” “Manly, right… Maybe Thunderlane then?” “Berry told me that Flitter has crush on him. You know, I had a dream recently that she was trying to kill me with a lead pipe. I’d rather not push her…” “Crush is not a relationship yet,” Lyra observed. They turned left and began to cross the bridge. “Besides, my sister goes out with his brother,” Bon Bon continued, “That’d be awkward.” “What? She’s no longer with Button Mash?” “Nope. Turns out, their only reason to be together was his impressive, huge–” “Bonnie, he’s sixteen… But I must admit, his mother is sexy.” “–comic books collection. Actually maybe it’s good that they broke up. I was a bit tired of that Nerd Herd…” “Yeah, because you totally weren’t a nerd when you were a filly. I remember, you had glasses and a lisp…” “Don’t remind me…” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “By the way, another reason why I don’t want to have foals: sooner or later they’ll be sixteen, just like Twist is now…” Lyra shuddered, remembering Bon Bon’s sister, who, for some reason, hanged out in their place more often that with her parents. As soon as she hit puberty, got rid of braces and lisp, and discovered that most of the colts prefer redheads, she started to use it to get everything she wanted. Well, if Lyra recalled her teenage years correctly, she was exactly like Bon Bon. “Meh, I’m okay with that,” the unicorn said, “How about Big Macintosh?” This time it was Bon Bon’s turn to get lost in her thoughts. Luckily, she didn’t have to answer, as they arrived to the Statue of Liberty. “Well, what do you think of this?” Bon Bon asked. “No ponies around, no guards… Celestia is still on our side…” “I don’t think she cares about us.” Bon Bon replied. “Besides, there’s probably some kind of alarm here…” Lyra focused, observing the surroundings. When she was young she liked to spend time with her uncle, who taught her everything he knew about alarms, lockpicking, and the art of fooling the guards. Everything ended when the uncle had to move to the Canterlot Penitentiary Facility for income tax evasion. “It’s easy,” she said, “the alarm only works when somepony opens the gate. If we teleport inside, we won’t set if off.” “Sorry, Lyra, but remember that not everypony here is a unicorn…” “Don’t worry, Bonnie. We’ll teleport together…” “Oh no…” Bon Bon frowned. “Remember what I told you about teleportation under influence?” “What can I do? I can’t teleport when I’m sober…” Bon Bon sighed. Then she looked at the gate. “Fine,” she said, “Let’s teleport.” Lyra pulled her into a tight hug. Bon Bon closed her eyes and soon they disappeared in a golden flash. When they appeared inside, she rubbed her flanks. She didn’t like to teleport, even if it meant being close to Lyra. She suspected that it had something to do with her earth pony body – she didn’t know much about magic but she deduced that it was more difficult to teleport a heavier object. Then fact that after every teleportation in her life (there were three so far, including one particularly pitiful case when drunk Lyra tackled her from behind and accidentally teleported them to the Carousel Boutique, landing in Rarity’s bed. Rarity was pissed. Thunderlane thought it was kinky) her cutie marks were itching seemed to confirm that observation. “Still, I think there should be at least one guard here,” Bon Bon said. “Don’t worry, why they should pay the guards when they have an alarm here?” “Hey, look! Another ones!” A guard pointed at the monitors in front of him. He blessed Celestia for the CCTV cameras that had been recently installed in the Statue of Liberty. He no longer had to walk in front of it, freezing his family jewels off. “What are we gonna do? Catch them?” the second guard asked, taking a sip of his coffee. “Wait, let’s see what do they want. You know, there are four types of ponies who break into the Statue in the middle of the night.” “What types?” “Type one, Watchers. They just want to watch the dawn from the top. Type two, Junkies. Type three, Pissers. Both these types are now almost extinct, there are better places to have a fix or take a leak in this town–” “Wait,” the other guard interrupted him, staring at the screens. “It seems that they do love each other…” “Well, that’s the type four. Frankly, the most common one.” “What are we gonna do? Arrest them?” “Wait, let them finish…” “...maybe we even discover that giant neuralyzer installed here. You know, the one Ponies in Black used when the aliens landed in Manehattan…” They were walking up the stairs. Bon Bon recalled the article she’d read few weeks before, about curing headaches with sex. She hoped that it was true. “Lyra, there is no neuralyzer here. Also, aliens don’t exist.” “But–” “No, humans don’t exist either.” “Meh, humans are overrated.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “You know, each year about a hundred of them arrives to Equestria, Celestia keeps them in the caves under her palace and experiments on them. Nothing interesting. I prefer those big aliens with tentacles…” “Remind me: when we get home, I’m getting rid of your stash of Neighponese comics.” “They are graphic novels! Besides, I don’t have them.” “What have you done with them?” Bon Bon looked at her unsurely. “I gave them to your sister.” “WHAT?” “Don’t worry, she already read them and gave them to Button Mash. Keep circulating the tapes…” “Good for him…” They were now on the top of the Statue, watching the city below them. “Also, Ponies in Black do exist. They have their headquarters in Canterlot and–” “Lyra, if they existed, they’d already zap you with the neuralyzer. You know too much about them…” Bon Bon regretted those words almost immediately, seeing Lyra’s panicked look. “Who knows? Maybe they zapped me? Bonnie! I don’t remember what happened to me during Shining Armor and Cadance’s wedding! And I was in the caves with Minuette and Twinkleshine! I saw the Ponies in Black and they neuralysed me!” Bon Bon did the only thing that was right – she hugged Lyra and kissed her, preventing her from speaking. At first Lyra almost jumped back, but then she relaxed, wrapping her forelegs around her marefriend. Their lips parted. Bon Bon saw that Lyra was now much calmer and said softly: “You don’t remember anything because you were enchanted by the Changeling Queen. You know, big, black, hammier than stoned Vinyl, with holes everywhere except the places they should be…” “Really? Then how she takes a–” “I’d rather not know. Maybe that’s the reason she was so pissed. Pun not intended.” Lyra snickered. “I love you, Bonnie.” “I know.” They kissed again, longer than before. Lyra lit up her horn, wrapping them in warm, magic cocoon, gently placing them in horizontal position an inch above the floor. “It’d be easier if we just brought some blanket from home,” Bon Bon muttered. “Don’t worry, I have one with me…” Lyra levitated the red, checkered blanket and put it on the floor. Then she gently released Bon Bon from her magic grasp and put her on it. “How are you able to carry a blanket, a guitar, a lyre, and whatever else you’re carrying with you without anypony noticing?” “Hammerspace.” Lyra explained. Bon Bon decided not to question that, deciding that it was probably some kind of magic. That, or Lyra was even weirder than Pinkie Pie. Besides, she had other things to do than thinking about her marefriend’s antics. Lyra lay down on the blanket, spreading her hind legs and yanking her tail. Bon Bon smirked and licked her lips slowly, lowering her head. Unlike Vinyl, Bon Bon had never been in Neighsia, learning the forbidden love techniques from self-proclaimed masters. Instead, she learned everything she knew by herself. When she was a filly, Bon Bon liked to eat yoghurt without using the spoon, by licking it out of the container. Later, when she grew up, she discovered that it wasn’t so different from what she was about to do. Just in case, she’d taught her sister to eat yoghurt that way, but Twist proved herself to be straight, so she didn’t need it. Meanwhile, many miles from there, a certain redhead filly sneaked into Bon Bon’s house through the open window. Technically, she should be worried about her sister who’d gone missing, but as Berry Punch and Vinyl Scratch were also out of town, she assumed that they were somewhere together. Once inside, Twist trotted to the front door and opened it for another cute filly with glasses – grey, with braided mane and with a masterfully crafted piece of cutlery as her cutie mark. “So, the laboratory is in the basement?” Silver Spoon asked. Twist nodded. Bon Bon’s laboratory, where she was cooking her ‘special’ candies was probably the best equipped one in Ponyville, unless somepony accidentally wandered into the dungeons below the Golden Oaks Library. Both Silver Spoon and Twist had a knack for chemistry – Twist’s newest hobby was organic chemistry, especially synthesising morphine’s derivatives, while Silver Spoon leaned more towards metallurgy. Apparently, there was more chemistry involved, as well as physics and biology, as “a trip to the laboratory” soon ended on Bon Bon’s kitchen table, proving once and for all that karma was not only a bitch, but also liked to strike out of nowhere. On the next day, when visibly laid back Silver Spoon left Lyra and Bon Bon’s house, she decided that she needed to rethink her life. She even considered being nice to other ponies for a change. Strangely, she also really wanted to eat some yoghurt. Bon Bon, unaware of what was happening in her house, began licking Lyra’s clit. She turned around, positioning her nether regions above Lyra’s face. “Magic fingers?” She heard the unicorn’s muffled voice. “Magic fingers.” She felt her sex being assaulted by Lyra’s tongue and a warm, soothing aura of magic, massaging her clit and flanks. Bon Bon’s mind blurred. She felt Lyra’s body twitching under her, as she stuffed her tongue deep into her. Lyra moaned. It was hard to achieve, since her mouth was rather occupied at the moment, but she somehow managed to do this. Bon Bon knew that her marefriend was rather loud, but tonight she didn’t care. They both knew each other’s bodies well and were making the best of it. The blanket was soon soaked with Lyra’s juices, its smell causing a raging tempest of hormones inside Bon Bon’s body. She felt that she was wet too, her arousal dripping on Lyra’s face. “Chill out Bonnie,” Lyra muttered, “Imagine those headlines… ‘A mare drowned while having sex on the top of Statue of Liberty’...” “Then try not to drown…” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. Lyra liked to talk in bed (or, in this case, on a blanket), often about really weird stuff. Not the weird stuff they liked to do, but even weirder stuff that was making Bon Bon, usually eager to try new things, cringe. For example, she could never look at the hoofballs the same way again. The only way to stop that was to keep Lyra’s mouth occupied. It wasn’t exactly helping, but at least she was much quieter. Bon Bon stopped thinking, letting the feeling building up in her crotch overcome her. She kept caressing Lyra with her tongue, reaching deeper and deeper into her. The unicorn’s hips bucked and she moaned loudly, being at the verge of orgasm. Bon Bon smirked and retreated from her marefriend’s pussy, earning a spank from her. She waited for a few moments, till Lyra started to regularly hitting her flank and placed her tongue on her pussy, licking it slowly. Lyra gave out a high-pitched moan and suddenly bit Bon Bon’s hind leg, a stream of juices erupting from her marehood. Bon Bon hissed. It was going to leave a mark but she was ready to forgive Lyra, feeling her magic inside, teasing her nerves exactly in the way she liked. She was just licking Lyra’s arousal off, when she suddenly felt somepony’s gaze on her. Feeling chill running down her spine, she slowly lifted her head and saw two ponies wearing guards’ uniforms desperately trying not to look at them. “Oh, fuck me…” she muttered. To her horror, she heard Lyra’s muffled reply that could be only interpreted as “what do you think am I doing right now?”, followed by a magic expanding in the place where, considering the circumstances, it absolutely shouldn’t go. Although they both liked to experiment, there was a set of rules they were following. One of them, probably the most important, was “solid objects in Bonnie’s anus are a no-no”. This, however, didn’t apply to magic, and Bon Bon soon discovered that this particular part of her body was quite sensitive. Simultaneous stimulation from both sides could end in only one way. “We can exp– Ooohh!” before she could finish, her sight blurred and her mind drifted off in the most powerful orgasm she had in months. Her muscles twitching, she rolled off Lyra, who lifted her head, wiping Bon Bon’s juices from her eyes. “Hi guys…” she said, seeing the guards’ surprised faces. “Smile, Bonnie!” Lyra cracked her widest grin, the one that made her look like a serial killer. Bon Bon stared at the photographer from underneath her eyebrows. The flash blinded her temporarily. “Okay, now side view…” the guard ordered. After taking a photo, they were walked to the cell. “I want a lawyer,” Bon Bon said. “You’ll need it…” the guard deadpanned. “Hey, you didn’t say what exactly we’re accused of!” Lyra shouted. “The full list is still being made.” he replied. “But, as you may guess, breaking and public indecency are not your biggest problems…” “I changed my mind.” Bon Bon said. “I don’t want a lawyer, I want at least ten lawyers…” “I regret nothing.” Lyra stated. The door of the cell was locked behind them. Bon Bon sat on a bunk bed, hiding her face in her forelegs. “Hey, do you think they’ll give us the tape from CCTV?” Lyra asked. “Lyra… just shut up…” “Oh come on, tomorrow we’ll call Vinyl, they’ll bail us…” “That’s what I’m afraid of…” The door opened and a guard walked in, carrying a long scroll. He cleared his throat and said: “Well, after checking out reports from the whole town, we accuse you of…” “...murder of a cabbie, stealing a taxi, abduction, assaulting a guard on duty, filly sexual abuse, breaking, public indecency, driving under influence, teleporting under influence, casting under influence, swearing in public, and property damage. More exactly, crushing several cardboard boxes.” Bon Bon sighed. According to the guards, she could only call one pony. Now she was not sure whether her choice was good. On the other side, Vinyl was silent. “Sound like a cool party,” she finally spoke. Bon Bon facehoofed. Author's Note The next chapter will probably be the last one. Also, part of this chapter was inspired by a scribble I saw, that read "fuck old women and young policemen!" The discussion was almost identical.
In Which Berry Punch Takes ManehattanAuthor's Note Warning: while, unlike two previous chapters, this one doesn't contain clop, I wrote part of it while drunk. Not that the part I wrote while sober is much better or something. In Which Berry Punch Takes Manehattan “I can’t believe they ended up in prison!” Octavia exclaimed. “Bon Bon is so responsible…” “Yeah, right.” Vinyl deadpanned. They were walking down the street, unable to find any taxi. To makes matters worse, it just started to rain. “I still don’t get how they got caught.” Berry observed. “Lyra can teleport, why didn’t they escape?” “I think I know,” Vinyl replied, smiling mischievously. “When Bon Bon called, she mentioned something about public indecency. If it was indecent enough, she wasn’t able to teleport.” “What do you mean by ‘indecent enough’?” Octavia asked, smirking at Vinyl. “That thing you did with your hooves tonight would surely be enough…” “Excuse me while I throw up,” Berry said, her face indeed a bit green. Octavia looked at her and decided that quarreling with Vinyl about who was more indecent last night wouldn’t be wise. Especially considering the fact that she had a habit of vomiting when she saw a pony throwing up. Probably her subconsciousness didn't want the fellow pony to feel lonely. “I hope they weren’t too indecent…” she said. “Your brother was really kind to give us the money to bail them, but they can be in a real trouble…” “From what Bon Bon said, they murdered a cabbie and molested a filly… Or the other way round.” “Bloody hell…" Octavia cursed with her flawless Trottingham accent. "We’ll need to get them a barrister…” “A barista?" Vinyl asked. "Well, a coffee would be great, but I don’t think it’d help them.” Octavia facehoofed. “A barrister, not a barista. It’s how we call an attorney in Trottingham.” “Cool. They not only help you with the law thingy, but they also make a coffee. I’d like to go there one day…” Octavia only shook her head. Being Vinyl’s roommate taught her to just give up hope sometimes. “I wouldn’t bother.” Berry said. “You know what I think about foal molesters. I have a daughter and–” “Yes, we know.” Vinyl interrupted her. “But we’ll need to confront them about that first. You know, no one is guilty until proven innocent.” Berry looked at her, amazed. “That’s quite wise for you… Did you also study law?” “No, that’s just what my attorney said when Sapphire Shores filed a restraining order against me.” “Vinyl, thousands of ponies saw you fighting with her during that MTV Equestria event.” Octavia sighed. “There was no way somepony would prove you were innocent.” “Yeah, but I also filed a restraining order against her…” “Because she kicked your ass?” Berry laughed at Vinyl's expression. “What? I saw that on TV too…” Vinyl shot her a nasty glare and turned away from her. “I’d still cut every foal molester’s balls off and feed them to him…” Berry said. “Well, good luck trying that with Lyra and Bon Bon. Dunno how about Bonnie, but last time I checked Lyra had no balls. And I was really close...” “Vinyl, please..." Berry made a gagging sound. "Small technical difficulties. I’ll find a way…” “Are you misandric?” Octavia asked innocently. “What kind of question is that?” “Every time we meet you, you mention castrating a stallion at least once. That’s getting creepy.” “She wants to have a dick, that’s simple.” Vinyl grinned. Berry gave out a fake laughter. “Vinyl, sweetheart, penis envy is soooo last century... Octavia, I assure you, you’d want to do that too if you were married to Mr. Faster-Than-Light…” “So, it’s about your ex? Do you want to talk about that?” Octavia asked. She started to look for some comfortable couch to sit Berry on it, but she found none. Manehattan was a weird town, but even there it was difficult to find a couch standing on the pavement in the middle of the town. “No. Besides, I don’t want to castrate every stallion, just the ones who hurt foals.” “Did your husband hurt them?” “No, it’s just–” “So, you want to castrate the molesters and your husband?” Vinyl asked, smiling triumphantly. “Because he couldn’t satisfy you and left you with a foal, you hate the whole male population of the planet?” “I don’t want to castrate my husband, buck off! When did that conversation become a psychoanalysis of me, conducted by a pony who got rutted by her own brother?” “Hey, I didn’t! Octavia was between us for the whole time!” “Vinyl!” Octavia blushed heavily. Several ponies looked at them. “Still, it sounds incest-ish.” Berry smiled triumphantly. “Besides, this whole conversation will be pointless, if they actually killed the filly and molested a cabbie.” “Double standards now, huh?” Vinyl asked. “You’re okay with harassing stallions?” “I’d be more interested in Berry’s approval for killing fillies,” Octavia said. “Okay, you got me. I hate kids…” Berry blushed. “Your daughter must be a poor child…” Octavia sighed. “Actually, I think I know how it works.” Vinyl said. “You know, foals are like farts – you’re okay only with your own ones…” Octavia facehoofed. As a Vinyl's roommate she knew more about her farts than she wanted to know. Berry snickered. “You know, that’s the wisest thing I heard from you in a long time,” she told Vinyl. “You should shag your brother more often.” “I didn’t shag my brother, for Celestia’s sake!” “His bad…” a pony walking behind them said, “You’re hot, sweetheart.” “Thank you,” Vinyl said, flattered. “and go buck yourself with a shovel.” “If you say so…” He laughed and walked away. “Geez, this town is full of creeps…” “...said the pony who had a threeway with her own brother…” Berry replied. “...said the pony whose pick-up line is ‘lower my IQ even more’...” “What?” Berry looked at her, dumbfounded. “You don’t remember?" Vinyl grinned. "Too bad, that was rich…” “Okay, it’s official: I’m not going to drink anymore. Ever.” “Sixty eight,” Octavia muttered under her breath. “Is that some kind of code?” Berry asked. “It’s like sixty nine, but with a fat chick,” Vinyl explained. “Thank you Vinyl, I’m always fond of an expert’s opinion…” Octavia sighed. “I meant, Berry that it’s sixty eighth time I hear you telling us that you’re not going to drink anymore.” “Sixty eight times since we met?” “No, in last six months.” “Sweet Celestia, I need help…” Berry shook her head. “Don’t worry, that’s what friends are for…” Vinyl wrapped her hoof around Berry, causing her to groan with disgust. “I can be your sober companion.” “Vinyl, there are few sober companion requirements you don’t exactly meet,” Octavia said, “like being sober, for example.” “Don’t worry, I can go without drinking for–” Vinyl made some quick calculations, “–three days in a row? Geez, I guess I need help too.” “Too bad I can’t help you,” Octavia said. “You simply drive me to drink…” “That’s not what you told me last night…” If stares could kill, Vinyl would be dead. Well, if they really could kill, she’d dead long ago. Every pony in Ponyville sent her a death glare at least once. It was a kind of tradition. Silent, they approached the police station. The building was quite familiar to Vinyl – in fact, she had already gotten arrested in Manehattan twice. It was long time ago, in the early years of rave scene, when illegal gigs were still truly illegal, instead of being merely a form of entertainment for bored posers. Vinyl still had a scar on her forehead after she’d hit her head against the bars. In fact, she was lucky that she only was arrested twice. She was always good at running, especially in her teen years, before she had acquired a layer of cancerogenes in her lungs. “You know, I got arrested here once,” Berry said suddenly. “What?” Vinyl asked. While Berry had a tendency to have too much fun from time to time, she always knew where to draw a line. Well, for most of the times. “I don’t exactly remember. I got drunk, then my friends carried me to an illegal rave party…” “Carried?” Octavia rose her eyebrows. “Illegal rave party?” Vinyl’s jaw dropped. “Exactly. I hardly remember anything, but the DJ was shit. Then the guards came and my friends left me on the floor. That imbecile DJ tripped over me and they caught her too…” Berry chuckled. “You know…” Vinyl muttered, “When I first met you in Ponyville you looked strangely familiar to me…” “No way… Really, Equestria is a small place...” “THEY LOCKED ME IN THE CELL WITH A GROUP OF AGGRESSIVE FILLYFOOLERS BECAUSE OF YOU!” Vinyl shouted at the top of her lungs. “I don’t know these mares!” Octavia, her face red, shouted to the crowd gathering slowly around them. Nopony believed her. “You should’ve called a guard then…” Berry replied, trying to stop Vinyl from trying to strangle her. “That’s not the thing! They were going to have an orgy in the cell... But when I was locked with them they told me that I was too young, stopped being aggressive and spent the night talking about knitting… I hate knitting...” “That’s not what you told me last Hearth-Warming…” Octavia deadpanned. Vinyl told her what she could do to herself with a knitting needle, earning another nasty glare from her. “Oh… I’m sorry, Tavi…” “Apology accepted. I’m used to the fact that you talk first and think later…” “If ever,” Berry added. “From what I understand, you just tried to strangle me only because a few years ago you landed in jail with a group of aggressive fillyfoolers who didn’t want to molest you?” “They told me that I was too young!” Vinyl exclaimed, tears in her eyes. “I was sixteen! Who wouldn’t want to buck a sixteen-years-old?” “Me!” A pony next to them, escorted by two guards, replied. “They’re too ol–” The door closed behind him. “Well, me neither,” Berry said. “Though for different reasons. Also, Vinyl, you have issues. Like, tons of them.” “What do you know about her issues…” Octavia said with a sigh. “I live with her…” She sighed again and started to sing: I'm seeing this mare and she just might be out of her mind Well she's got baggage and it's all the emotional kind… Suddenly, Berry put her hoof in her mouth, almost causing her to gag. “Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but we spent last ten minutes standing in front of the police station, talking about aggressive fillyfoolers, bucking underaged fillies and knitting. Singing is the last thing we need…” Octavia muttered something incomprehensible. “She asks you to remove your hoof. You stepped into something gross,” Vinyl explained. “Whoops… Sorry…” Berry smiled sheepishly. “Okay, don’t you remember why we’re here?” Vinyl exclaimed, while Octavia was spitting on the pavement. “We need to save Lyra and Bon Bon.” “Maybe you should stay outside then?” Berry asked. “I know you, you’ll only cause more trouble…” “Don’t worry, I know how to talk to the guards…” Actually, it was true. Vinyl, being the DJ, anarchist, drunkard, and junkie met a lot of guards in her life. In fact, from the Crystal Empire on the North to the Changeling Territories on the South, there was no police station without at least one mugshot of her. She quickly learned that storming the commander’s office yelling “whom should I give head to be released from here?” wasn’t exactly the best way to get out of arrest. Deep inside, Vinyl was a master of diplomacy. She could easily become a lawyer, if she didn’t have an attention span of a goldfish with ADHD, fed with cocaine. Don’t ask how she knew how a goldfish on cocaine looked like. Before Berry could say something, Vinyl stormed the police station. She walked down the corridor, found the room with the biggest number of guards in it and yelled: “Good morning, guys. Whom should I pay to get my friends outta here?” “It depends,” a grey unicorn guard replied. “Who are your friends?” “Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon… Hmm, I don’t think she has a surname. That’s weird. All my friends have surnames, but Bon Bon…” She noticed the guard’s condescending expression. “Actually, nevermind. They were accused of some small shi– I mean small things, like having sex in public, murder…” “Oh, I know that case,” he replied. “Luckily for them, it figures that they didn’t kill the cabbie. Also, the filly they allegedly kidnapped is at home, preparing her cute-ceanera. That still leaves public indecency, vandalism, stealing a cab and–” Suddenly he froze when he saw Berry and Octavia entering the room. “You…” he said. “Yes, me,” Berry replied coldly. Vinyl looked at her, then at the guard. Then back at Berry and again at the guard. Some rusty gears started to move in her head. Out of the blue she remembered that Berry’s daughter was a unicorn. “Oh, I didn’t recognize you…” she said to the guard. “You must be Mr. Faster-Than-Light! Berry told us lots of things about you! Like, really nice things…” Despite her best attempts, the temperature in the room continued to drop. The silence was getting really awkward and Berry finally decided to break it. “Vinyl,” she spat with disdain. “Did your mane catch fire when you were a foal and your dad tried to quench it with a shovel?” “No, it was my mom. Why are you asking?” “How the actual fuck could you think my ex-husband’s name was Faster-Than-Light?” “Umm… because you’re calling him like that all the time?” By the “I will kill you slowly” look in Berry’s eyes Vinyl deduced that it was wrong answer. “Because we live in a country where you can call your child Filthy Rich and no one says anything about that? Hell, poor Bon Bon doesn’t even have a surname!” “Vinyl… two words: shut the fuck up…” “These are four words…” Berry’s ex-husband, whose name definitely wasn’t Faster-Than-Light, corrected. “Shut up! And you were wondering why I left you…” “Could anypony tell me what’s Bon Bon’s surname? I won’t be able to sleep at night if I don’t know that…” “Her surname is ‘Bon’,” Octavia explained. “First ‘Bon’ is her name, while the second is her surname.” Behind her, Berry and her ex-husband were arguing whether ‘the’ was a word or not. A moment later, their argument was about the source of the “Faster-Than-Light” nickname. The guard wasn’t very pleased when Berry told him. Vinyl nodded. However, she had one more question. “Excuse me,” she said to Berry’s ex-husband. “If your name’s not ‘Faster-Than-Light’, then what your name is?” “Sucker Punch,” he deadpanned. “Wait,” Vinyl turned to Berry. “You still use your husband’s surname?” “Of course not!” Berry exclaimed. “I returned to my maiden name, which happens to be ‘Punch’...” Vinyl grinned mischievously. “And you were trying to tell my that I’m into incest…” “It’s not incest! We’re not a family!” “Yeah, right… How many Punches are in Equestria? I bet you’re cousins…” “I can give you enough punches to break all your bones… And I guess Sucker will also throw you some for a good measure.” “Oh come on… his name is really Sucker? That’s a lame name if you ask me...” “Heartstrings! Bon! You have a new friend!” The door to the cell opened and Vinyl was pushed inside. She looked at Lyra and Bon Bon and smiled sheepishly. “Hi, girls,” she said. “Let me guess,” Bon Bon muttered, sitting on the bunk bed and watching Vinyl carefully. “It wasn’t your fault?” “Totally not,” Vinyl replied. “One of the guards is Berry’s ex-husband. Things kinda escalated from there.” “Of course,” Bon Bon deadpanned. “Then why she’s still free while you’re in prison?” Vinyl flipped her mane and sat on the bed next to her. “I may or may not have implied that their relationship was incestuous…” she said. “But she started it. She kept telling me that I had sex with my brother–” “You did?” Lyra asked. Her ears perked up. “So, that’s what this noise came from!” “What noise?” Vinyl’s cheeks suddenly became red. “I didn’t make any noises…” “Yeah, right… You were squealing like Bonnie when I brought that huge, black, spiked–” “Lyra, please…” Bon Bon facehoofed. “It’s not something you discuss with other ponies…” “Says the pony who had sex on the top of the Statue of Liberty,” Vinyl giggled. “How it was by the way? I always wanted to try, but I’ve never had an occasion.” “Best night ever,” Lyra said. Bon Bon decided that facehoof wasn’t enough and hit her head against the wall. The brick fell off, revealing a rusty spoon hidden behind it. “Oh, come on, Bonnie…” Lyra patted her marefriend’s head. “I’ve been with Vinyl before, we are kinda open in that matter. Like, she also passed the test with a huge, black, spiked–” “I’d rather not have that mental image in my head, thank you,” Bon Bon interrupted her. All she wanted now was to change the topic of this conversation. “Before you got yourself arrested, did they say something about the bail?” “And did your brother fuck you?” Lyra asked innocently. She wasn’t the pony who’d get drifted off the topic easily. “If I had a brother, I’d totally do him… How about you, Bonnie?” “I’d like you remind you that my sister is sixteen… And no, I’m not attracted to her in any way.” “Too bad. She’s cute. And adorkable.” “I’ll pretend that I didn’t hear that. And that it didn’t sound creepy at all. How about getting us out of there, Vinyl?” “Well, you’re only charged with assaulting a guard, stealing a taxi, public indecency, and vandalism. The filly you foalnapped is at home, preparing for her cute-ceanera.” “We didn’t foalnap a filly…” Bon Bon was tired of explaining that to anypony. Yet, deep inside her soul she also wanted to hear the story of Vinyl’s relationship with her brother. She didn’t care about the fact that Vinyl was also tired of explaining that to anypony. Talk about double standards. “Is her cutie mark a toaster?” Lyra asked. “I have no idea. I’ve never met her, you know. Was she hot?” “I’m not into fillies, especially the ones who called me a spinster,” Bon Bon replied. “I don’t know…” Lyra said. “The closest I got to her was when my whole tail got covered in her piss.” “Kinky,” Vinyl commented while Bon Bon covered her mouth with her hoof. Weird, considering the fact that she had witnessed that, but Bon Bon was one of those ponies who could watch almost anything, yet hearing about it made them sick. Vinyl was on the other side of the spectrum: at home, she had a special calendar with a fetish for each day. After ‘vore day’ Octavia wanted to move out. “Okay, fillies aside, we have a problem,” Vinyl said. “Berry and Octavia have money only to bail two of us. Currently, they’re considering various options.” “Octavia and Berry? Then you have a problem,” Bon Bon deadpanned. “Not since I gave Octy an orgasm of her life yesterday,” Vinyl replied. Then she sat back on the bed, watching her fellow inmates’ shocked expressions. “Also, Berry thinks you two are a bunch of fillynappers, so she has a hard time deciding who of us to free…” A restaurant table was littered with papers. Berry tossed the pencil aside, drank some coffee from the cup next to her and looked at Octavia. “Well, according to my calculations, they won’t get too big sentences… Vinyl’s too smart for that,” she said. “How about yours?” “With our money, we can ditch them, go to Las Pegasus and we’ll have some money left to waste in the casino…” Octavia replied. “Hmm, Pinch will be on vacation for one more week… We can totally go there.” “Still, it doesn’t feel right… We can’t leave them here like that…” “Oh, come on!” Berry rolled her eyes. “We’ll go to Las Pegasus, win some money and then we’ll be able to bail all three of them.” Octavia sighed and took a sip of her tea – third one this morning. She was from Trottingham, after all. “I wouldn’t feel good in Las Pegasus without Vinyl… It’d be much funnier with her…” “Your definition of ‘fun’ is surprising…” Berry replied. She knew that being with the hyperactive DJ in place such as Las Pegasus would end up in total humiliation. They’d end up getting thrown out of the casino, vomiting on the pavement and waking up in one bed in some dirty hotel room. That didn’t fit to Octavia, but Berry… “Yes, we must definitely bail Vinyl out. Then we can go to Las Pegasus.” “How about Lyra and Bon Bon?” Octavia asked. “We can bail Lyra. Bon Bon can’t drink, play poker, and she’s always sarcastic.” “Yeah, because you’re totally not sarcastic…” “Said the daughter of some upper-class twits from Trottingham. Sarcasm is your first language…” “I come from working class…” Octavia blushed. “Oh, come on… Reverse snobbery now? Due to a certain accident involving love poison and Apple Bloom I now live next to Carousel Boutique, I can recognize a fake fancy accent when I hear one…” “Are ya sure? I’ve been learnin’ it for years. Since I got me cello, I’ve decided vat I’ll be like one of ‘em upper class twits as ya called ‘em.” “I can recognize a fake non-fancy accent either,” Berry deadpanned. “I ain’t no cheatin’ ya… Okay, I do. I kind of wanted to show my parents that I’m not like them. That’s why I moved to Ponyville and–” “–started to live with Vinyl? Well, that’s a sacrifice…” “Vinyl’s not that bad. At least she does the shopping and flushes the toilet.” “Good to know that she got the basics… How about… umm… weird stuff? Like, Vinyl level of weird?” “Oh, I got used to it. Really, she’s not that bad once you get used to her leaving pornographic newspapers everywhere, sleeping at random times of day…” “Yeah, right… My cousin is kinda similar. Maybe you know her… Her name is Cherry Berry.” Octavia thought for a moment, trying to recall the name. “She’s the one who likes balloons, right?” she asked. “Balloons, helicopters… Definitely she thinks ‘earth’ in ‘earth ponies’ isn’t something that would limit her. You know, she once crashed that absurd helicopter of hers… Since then she has a titanium implant in the skull… And she’s even weirder than before. She wanted me to help her build the alcohol-powered aircraft…” “Did it work?” Octavia asked. She knew that the primary reason why Berry liked to hang out with Vinyl was because she seemed normal in comparison. “Not really. I drank the whole fuel. If we ever managed to take off, I don’t remember it…” Octavia decided not to tell her about that memorable day in Ponyville history when Berry and her cousin became the first earth ponies to reach Mach 1. Cherry Berry probably didn’t know about that either – due to numerous crashes, her short-term memory was as reliable as some of her flying machines. In fact, she was recently making more money as a test subject in various neurology research programs than as an engineer. “Couldn’t Cherry take us to Las Pegasus? We could go there, win enough money to bail all three of them and go back in one day.” “If you really want to get a concussion…” Octavia thought for a moment before finally resigning from this plan. Playing cello was difficult enough even without brain damage, and the chance of winning was too small to take a risk. “Okay, let’s go and bail Vinyl and Lyra. Bon Bon can wait.” “What’ll her sister say?” Berry asked. “She’s one of those kids who ask too many questions… Besides, I don’t wanna wake up one day with a death ray shoved up my flank...” “Oh, come on. Twist doesn’t construct death rays…” Octavia replied. “No?” “No. She’d poison you with a candy. And then she’d apologize and smile adorkably at the jury so long that nopony would find her guilty…” Octavia said. “Crap… So, maybe we should bail Bon Bon? Too bad none of our friends reaches Twist level of adorkableness...” “Hey, I’m quite close,” Lyra said, walking in. Berry Punch choked on her coffee. “You!” she shouted when she managed to cough it out. “How did you get out of jail?” “Vinyl offered a blowjob to every guard in the station if they set us free,” Lyra replied and looked at Berry and Octavia, expecting them to look surprised. They didn’t. “How long before she’s done?” Octavia asked. “We have a train to catch…” Lyra rolled her eyes. “I said she offered that, not that they accepted. But then Bon Bon remembered that she knows a good lawyer and called him.” “What lawyer?” Octavia asked. She knew a few lawyers personally. They were all heavy drunks and had a sick sense of humour, but still they were more well-behaved than, for example, doctors. Octavia knew a few doctors too. They had even sicker sense of humour and liked to swear when the patients weren’t around. But they were still nothing when compared to nurses. “Hmm… Do you remember that guy who murdered seven ponies with an axe, burned down two houses and pissed off Twilight Sparkle by not giving back a book from the library in time?” “Yes…” Octavia replied unsurely. In fact, she had every article about the pony in question in her scrapbook. Reading about murders was helping her in composing. “It’s his lawyer. You know, the one who convinced the jury that all of this guy’s mental problems were caused by the fact that he had to go up the hill to get to school.” “And what did he do in your case?” Berry asked. “He talked with a few ponies and they set us free. For example, he proved that our indecency was public only because there are cameras on the Statue of Liberty... Vinyl and I have to find a support group for anonymous sexoholics and Bon Bon has to go to an assertiveness training…” Lyra explained. “Hmm, I’ve heard Iron Will will come to Ponyville soon,” Berry said. “And we’ll have to do some community service… He told us that he can get us out of it, but we didn’t agree… After all, we did some bad things tonight…” “Yeah, some…” Berry muttered. “Is there any catch?” “One. We don’t have money to pay him… And he refused Vinyl’s offer to pay him, umm… you know how.” “Don’t worry about that, sweetheart,” Octavia said. “We didn’t have to bail you, so we have money… How much do you need?” Lyra told her. At first Octavia just stared at her blankly, before finally articulating a long and complicated bunch of words commonly considered inappropriate to use, especially in presence of young fillies. “So…” Berry muttered. “I guess I’ll call Cherry Berry…” The four turboprop engines powering contra-rotating propellers were making lots of noise. Berry Punch was trying to focus, as she was about to make one of the most important decisions in her life. Too bad, her own cousin, a pink mare with a yellow mane wasn’t helping her. “Fasten yer seatbelts and *hic* light yer cigarettes… or whatever...” Cherry Berry exclaimed. She took a sip from the bottle she was holding and grabbed the stick with both her hooves. “Soon, we’ll be in *hic* Fillydelphia!” “Las Pegasus,” Berry deadpanned. “It’s Las Pegasus.” “Of course, Pinot Noir.” Cherry Berry laughed to herself. She just had to make a sharp turn to dodge the group of pegasi flying in another direction. She wasn’t sure of many things since she had left hospital with a titanium implant in her skull, but she knew one thing for sure: a pegasus and a contra-rotating propeller meant trouble. And lots of cleaning. “It’s ‘Berry Punch’, you drunk moron…” Berry sighed. “You know?” Vinyl said. “One can guess easily that you two are a family…” “One more word and I’ll take care of your parachute…” Berry looked at the board in front of her, then at the cards she was holding. Also, I’m buying Manehattan.” “That’ll be 160 bits,” Octavia said. She was a banker in every Monopony game they were playing. Unlike Vinyl, she was able to count the money and, unlike Lyra, she could resist the temptation to rob the bank when nopony was watching. “Can I buy it from you?” Vinyl asked Berry. “No.” “But I already have Baltimare and Las Pegasus!” Vinyl exclaimed, banging her hoof against the floor. Some piece of the machine fell off. Fortunately, it wasn't really important. “That’s why I won’t let you have it. Last thing I need are your hotels here…” “Watch out, turbulence!” Cherry Berry shouted from the cockpit. They braced themselves, but nothing happened. “False alarm,” Berry said. “She’s always like that.” “Five hundred bits,” Vinyl offered. “And I can give you Appleloosa.” “Take those bits and put them where the Sun doesn’t shine. I took Manehattan and I’m not gonna give it to you.” “May I?” Bon Bon asked and took the dice. She threw them and moved her piece. “Hmm, Trottingham…” “I already own it,” Berry said. “I even have a hotel there.” “Friggin’ capitalist…” Vinyl muttered. “Said the pony who owns Canterlot and Cloudsdale…” Lyra deadpanned. Due to some unfortunate throws in the last few turns, she was now almost bankrupt. Suddenly, Cherry Berry’s flying machine started to shake. Vinyl screamed in fear and hugged Berry, simultaneously stealing Manehattan card from her. “Told ya!” Cherry Berry shouted from the cockpit. “Remember not to throw your fellow passengers outta window. Not to mention the pilot. We’ll be in Hoofington in no time!” “I have a feeling that she knows you better than the map of Equestria…” Octavia said to Berry who was now trying to strangle Vinyl. “Yeah…” Berry replied, taking the dice while Lyra and Bon Bon were putting the hotels which had collapsed during the turbulence back on the board. “Hmm, it seems that I’m going to jail…” One of the props made a weird sound. Everypony froze but it didn’t seem that the machine was going to fall apart soon. “What was that?” Berry asked unsurely. “We hit a bird!” Cherry Berry replied. “Though… a bird with saddlebags is a rare thing I think…” She chuckled. “I have a feeling that we’ll need a lawyer again before we get to Las Pegasus… Or wherever we are flying…” Octavia said, looking through the window unsurely. “Don’t worry,” Berry looked at the Monopony board in front of her, then at her cards and money. “As long as Vinyl doesn’t own Manehattan, everything is okay…” The weird-looking-flying-whatever-thingy (it was its official name; Cherry Berry was a good pilot, but she wasn’t good in inventing names) headed into the sunset. In fact, it was supposed to go more to the south, but Cherry Berry thought that ‘navigation’ was a name of some kind of a foreign cheese. Besides, she liked to read and she knew well that every good story should end with main characters riding (or, in this case, flying) into the sunset after fulfilling their goals. The goals were fulfilled. Not that they were very complicated to begin with: Vinyl managed to have sex with Octavia. Octavia managed to have sex with Vinyl’s brother. Lyra and Bon Bon managed to have sex on the top of the Statue of Liberty. Berry Punch managed to take Manehattan and was on a good way to win the game of Monopony. Not that Vinyl was an especially challenging opponent. Meanwhile, in Ponyville, Twist and Silver Spoon managed to accidentally discover cold fusion. This discovery would later revolutionise Equestria and turn the turboprop engines used in weird-looking-flying-whatever-thingy obsolete. Cherry Berry didn’t know that, but even if she knew, she wouldn’t mind. She was in the air with her cousin, her friends and a bottle of booze that could be used as an emergency fuel, and it was the most important for her. It was as important as helping Berry Punch to wrap up the story of her taking Manehattan, and much more important than getting to the airport. Las Pegasus could wait.
