The Rare Vagrant

by SomeForeignGuy

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Dark, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 1823

Rarity, along with a gloomy friend, become hobos.

Rarity, after losing all inspiration, becomes a hobo. Meanwhile, Gold "Goldy" Trader is an old stallion who happens to be the world's worst con-man. These two have adventures together in the massive town of Fillydelphia. They tangle with Miss Carol, a mob boss who could be seen as the craziest psychopath in the universe.

Published 2012-03-23 03:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-29 00:29:07 UTC

Breaking Point

Sweat worked its way down Rarity’s face as she looked at her newest fashion design. It was awful, and she knew it more than anypony. The walls were covered the hundreds of designs of similar distaste, and to Rarity, this was the end of all she knew.

For the last week, she had been constantly trying to come up with an idea for anything. ANYTHING. She spent sleepless nights, trying to find something that could look good on someone, but all of her efforts were met with failure. All of her friends begged her to calm down, wincing as they looked at her sketches.

They all knew, but did not say, that all of Rarity’s ideas were just as bad as she made them out to be, which is a very difficult task for mere pencil and paper to create.

After exhausting much of her energy in self pity, she began to calm down to fatigue. After a long sleep, for the first time in a while, she began to think clearheadedly. She looked back at her cutie-mark. Those gemstones meant so much to her, they were unique among anyone in Equestria. They were now meaningless.

Rarity then realized that she had no other talents besides gem collecting and fashion. One of the things that she did not want to do was be a full time gem collector. She was okay with small trips every now and then to get some for a dress, but spending days in the dirt, only to give them away was simply a nightmare to her.

From that point, Rarity went into full over dramatization mode, and she knew that she would need to leave in the night, while none of her friends were there to see her run like a coward. At this point, she was even beginning to form an inner monologue that went something like this;

“With my life in shambles, and my dreams ruined, what am I! I…I must become… A HOBO! YES! Forced to do hard, toiling manual labor for petty change! Forced to BEG for mere food to sustain my worthless being! This, of course is the fate of one without worth… worth taken by the accursed powers that be! And-”

Rarity stopped herself before she became too Shakespearian. This was her fate, and she knew it. She slowly began to prepare.

In the sprawling city of Fillydelphia, Gold Trader was in trouble. Gold, or as most people called him; "Goldy", was one of the most massive stallions that you'd ever meet. He was taller than most, and had a combination of fat and muscle on his frame that gave him that perfect "big brute" look. Currently, he was being dragged by two equally large stallions with big scary weapons.

"Come on!", Goldy shouted, " I'm not this... this "Gold" guy that you're looking for, that's not me!" The two stallions could immediately pick up on this lie, and ushered him even faster to a dull, imposing building. He was taken to a dark office, where a small figure was watching him from a fancy chair across the room. Oh no, he thought, it's her.

"Sit down" said a calm voice. Goldy ran to the chair like an antelope running from a lion.

"Mr. Trader, why do you think you are here?"

"Mumblemumblemumble"

"WHAT was that! I don't think the bomb under your chair could hear you!" said Miss Carol, holding up an ignition key. Goldy slowly looked over the side of the chair to see, and right under his seat was enough black powder to blow up his corner of the office. Miss Carol was predictable like this.

"I don't make any money ma'am" Goldy said, emotionlessly.

"And why don't you make any money?"

"Because I'm a horrible con-man."

"NO!", exploded Miss Carol, "NOT because you are a horrible con-man! The difference between you and a horrible con-man is the same difference between a rock and a prodigy!"

"Sorry" Goldy squeaked on impulse, but realized too lat that this was a very bad move. In that calm, level voice, Miss Carol said-

"You know how much I hate the word 'sorry' right?"

"Yes"

"You also are aware of how easily I could kill you, I mean, look around for a second! How many weapons do you think I have pointed at you right now?" Goldy thought for a moment, trying to think of a number that wouldn't offend her for being too small.

"At least fourteen" he piped up. With a smug look on her face, Miss Carol changed the subject.

"Then why would you use that word we spoke of earlier?" she snarled, giving him a stare that said Truth or death, your choice.

"I-"

"NEVER MIND! I have already come up with a suitable punishment for you!" With this, Goldy tensed up, almost to tears. He knew what happened when someone was punished. Miss Carol continued, "You are allowed to go free, but in an undisclosed amount of time, I will kill you. Run away now."

Goldy did not hesitate. He ran to the already open door into the blinding light and RAN. When he was out of breath and his hooves ached, he made sure to run even faster. He found an alleyway to catch his breath in and thought about what had just happened. He organized his thoughts priority-wise. First of all, he was going to die. This was inevitable, because someone with a death warrant signed by Miss Carol NEVER went home feeling unsatisfied. Second of all, to conserve time, he was not going to con anyone. Sadly, conning people out of their money came to Goldy like beaching comes to a whale; he always was on the losing end.

Looking back at his cutie-mark, he pondered its existence. It was a small copper coin of little value. It first appeared back when he was a boy, after a nap in a nice, cardboard box. He didn't know what it meant or what talent it gave him, but conning came to him naturally, almost as well as getting caught in the act of swindling someone. Goldy laid his head back and cursed under his breath until sleep overtook him.

Rarity Prepares for Ragnarök

In Ponyville, Rarity had thought of everything. Opalescence was at Fluttershy's, with the excuse that she was going to a fashion show for inspiration, and in her free time she studied up on the mysterious art of the street pony. She spent time in Twilight's library, gathering every scrap of knowledge she could gain on this subject, which happened to be a small handbook called "The Deft Derelict's Digest: A Guide on How You Can Become Homeless Today".

"What are you checking out?" Twilight said in a friendly manner.

"Well, just... looking for a bit of inspiration in the library!" Rarity beamed, hoping that her lie was good enough. Twilight suspiciously eyed the book, and could tell what was happening, but as a good friend, she said

"I know what you're up to, and I can't stop you, so please let me tell everypony what's going on." Rarity had a back-up plan if one of her friends found out;

"You can't tell anyone, you need to Pinkie Pie Promise." At the very mention of The Promise, the room grew slightly colder. Nopony could refuse or break a Pinkie Pie Promise.

"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye" Twilight said begrudgingly. She felt eyes from a certain pink pony gaze upon her as she said this. Since this was sorted out, Rarity began her next mission; look the part of a hobo.

To achieve this, Rarity required the grungiest, outdated clothes she possessed, and this required going to her inner closet. This closet was not something that she mentioned often, for she was not proud of it. She discreetly went to her wardrobe, and pulled out the back panel. Past this back panel were several flights of stairs, and another heavier, bolted door. She opened this door, and allowed the ancient clothing catacombs to depressurize for a moment. Rarity looked upon miles and miles of subterranean clothing storage, and began to walk to her destination. All of these clothes were years out of fashion, and made her hair stand up on end just by being near them. She then found what she was looking for; an old, dusty trench coat that looked like it had been hanging on its shelf since time began. When she put it on, it let loose a cloud full of dust so thick that she had to wait for awhile for it to dissipate. Next, she found a near-fossilized top-hat and some boots, which were confiscated from Applejack on the grounds of a fashion emergency. She donned this trove of hobogear™ and headed to the surface-world. The Sun had changed position quite a bit in the time that she was down there, and it looked to be about afternoon when she packed her saddlebags for the trip.

After finally getting ready, Rarity took her first hesitant steps towards freedom. These steps quickly turned to miles, which turned to hoofaches, which in turn became a desperate want to stop walking and set up camp. Ponyville was still a large patch of light, but at this moment, Rarity didn't care about the progress that she didn't make. Setting up camp consisted of finding the least dirty patch of dirt and lying in it, with the blanket wrapped around her for warmth. She was still shivering as she searched her saddlebag for some water, but to her surprise, she pulled an official looking bundle. On closer inspection, the bundle contained the hobo handbook from the library, a letter, two shiny rocks, a few balloons, a pen, and a few pieces of paper. She quickly opened up the letter, which read;

Dear Rarity,

I haven't told anypony about your plan, but I wanted to make sure that you were okay. First of all, it seems as though Pinkie Pie found out about this on her own, I discovered this when I found her trying to put a cake in the bundle that you have now and when she couldn't fit that, she put the balloons in instead. I want you to have that book, it is very informative and I hope that it will serve you well. Also, the two rocks that you have are charmed, so any fire started by them can send letters to me through Spike. I fully support what you are doing and hope that you will be able to find what you are looking for. Please send regular updates!

Your friend,

Twilight Sparkle

Rarity wiped a single, insanely dramatic tear from her eyes. She felt bad for manipulating Twilight before, and she sent a letter apologizing for the way she acted and thanking her for the supplies.