Two friends, a big stone archway and Equestria

by Fuckoff

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 3445

Two friends end up in an animated land of ponies after meddling in some ancient Egyptian tomb.

James and Henry are quite possibly the most unlucky people in the world, or the luckiest depending on your point of view. These are the detailed accountings of their super action packed adventures in Equestria. Complete with packed lunches and a misfiring shiny revolver, they head out into the unknown, boldly going where no man has gone before.

A story I had written back when I first started out but never published. (more characters than the thingy allows)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-04 21:20:09 UTC

I told you not to touch it

“Remind me what we’re doing here again Henry?” James asked as he casually back flipped off the ancient stone wall.

“Stop that! You could upset the delicate structure of this relic. Even the slightest mishap could cause the temple to collapse on top of us.” Henry replied with a distraught face.

“Sheesh, don’t go mental bro I just asked why we’re here.” James said, jumping down from his perch and shoving his hands in his jet black cargo pants.

“We’re here because this could be the singular most important discovery in human history. Just think, this temple has lain hidden beneath the sands of Egypt for thousands of years and it has never be discovered. Imagine the secrets it holds, just waiting to be revealed…” Henry’s eye glazed over as he trailed off into a dream like trance.

“Yeah okay dude. I’m more interested in the treasure than anything else” James replied and gave his friend a playful slap on the back.

Normally most people would think that James was interested in the wealth, but no; the reason Henry had brought his friend was because he was an expert treasure hunter. He works in much the same way as Indiana Jones with all the bravado and resourcefulness one would expect. Although tragically he is very street savvy and would much rather spent his time engaging in his beloved parkour. As it were one would have trouble believing that he has a PHD in ancient history and anthropology.

“Yes well please do restrain yourself and don’t break anything” Henry said patronizingly.

It was sometime before either of them said anything as Henry had been marveling at the splendor of the ancient stone corridors. Although the temple was cold and damp, it was surprisingly warm at the same time. The two stopped in front of a large stone archway and equipped their flashlights, but much to Henry’s horror James had produced a revolver as well.

“What the devil do you need that for? Henry asked with concern.

“First rule of exploring, be equipped for any situation.” He stated confidently and started down the dark passage way, his revolver pointed out in front with his flashlight hooked underneath in a similar fashion to the police raiding a house.

Henry sighed and continued after him. ‘It’s going to be an interesting experience’ he thought with élan.

***

“God its dark in here” James grumbled loudly as he shone his flashlight in a futile effort to illuminate the way forward.

The blackness seemed endless, no matter which way they shone their flashlights the darkness enveloped it. It was though they had wandered into a void and been swallowed by the unnatural darkness that dwelled within.

“Yes it is rather unnerving” Henry agreed.

“Shoulda brought a bigger flashlight man” James mumbled quietly under his breath.

The two stumbled blindly through the darkness toward an unseen destination. Each one grumbling about the dark like an old man grumbling about the cost of living being too high. Time seemed to crawl by as Henry and James walked obliviously through the tundra of perpetual blackness. It could have been hours or minutes since they left the surface and started their descent.

“My God this is intolerable. Do you think it will ever end?” Henry said loudly.

“Probably not man. Best to just… hurrk…” James grunted as his face impacted with a foreign object.

“Are you alright?” Henry asked and extended his hand to help his friend up.

“Yeah, just scared the crap outta me is all. What was it?” He replied rubbing his nose furiously, but looked up when Henry did not reply.

“James help me with this will you” Henry said with a grunt as he tried to forcibly move a large stone slab that had a faint light pulsing behind it.

James got to his feet and join him in his futile effort to pry the large slab from its resting place. It wouldn’t budge and James motioned for a time out. Sitting down to catch his breath Henry heard a soft click and the large stone slab slide across to reveal a small room absolutely filled with hieroglyphics and large ornate murals. They both walked cautiously inside and suddenly a large brazier sprung to life, temporarily blinding them.

After recovering from the sudden burst of light Henry went about exploring the room. He was mesmerized by the glyphs on the wall. He ran his hand along the wall and felt the dust crumble beneath it. The glyphs themselves puzzled him greatly, they were definitely not Egyptian, yet somehow they bore reference to it.

He could make out some of the symbols, but they all referred to the same thing… Ra the sun god. He followed the script along the walls and noted that a strange glyph kept cropping up where ever Ra was mentioned. This glyph seemed to increase as he progressed along the wall and he could now confirm that this strange glyph had something to do with the sun god, and he had formed a rough translation… Tia. As the written story progressed it soon became evident that Ra and this Tia were one and the same.

“Incredible” he murmured in awe.

“Hey man… I think you’ll wanna see this” James said from across the room.

Protesting loudly Henry trudged slowly across to where James was standing and chastised him for interrupting important research, but he stopped when he saw what James had been pointing at. In front of him was a full wall sized mural depicting a story from a long forgotten past.

The first scene showed a large white equine with wings and a horn sitting on a golden sun. All around it people where praying and bringing offerings. The second scene showed a man in front of a large stone archway with his arms spread wide. On the other side of this archway was a beautiful green land filled with trees, lakes and more equines of various colors.

The third scene told a rather more gruesome tale. Two armies stood across from one another, one equine and the other human. According to the glyphs the equines wielded powerful magic and fought the humans in a fierce battle that crushed humanity. At the front of the equine army stood the white sun god, and with a fierce power commanded the sun to unleash its fury upon the world. Everywhere the ground was wreathed in flames, it seemed hopeless and humanity was sure to be wiped out, but this was not the case as the fourth and final scene showed a young human man named Ra-amun standing up to this celestial god. Apparently a fierce confrontation occurred with the end result being a rather detailed scene of Ra-amun impaling a sword through the equine’s chest and extricating its heart in an unnecessarily brutal manner (which Henry assumed was an exaggeration that made for a better story). He then held the still beating heart above a group of what looked like high priests and cast the heart into the stone archway which was then sealed by the high priests. The finale of this little story came as the young man ascended into the heavens to take the place of sun god and thus became Ra the sun god we know now.

***

“My God James do you know what this means… James?” Henry called out upon noticing his friend’s disappearance.

“Ooh what’s this thing do?” he heard James say from the far end of the room, and when he looked over he saw James in front of a large stone archway holding an ornate sword. The sword in question was strikingly familiar to the one on the mural, and come to think of it so was the stone archway.

Realization hit Henry like a ton of bricks, they were the same ones and this must be the room in which the heart was tossed into the archway. He had to get a closer look, but James had other ideas and had found a small slit in the stone archway that the sword would fit in. He positioned the sword over the hole.

“Don’t you dare James don’t you dare” Henry said narrowing his eyes dangerously, and crying out as James drove the sword into the rock, however, nothing happened.

“You shoulda seen your face man… Priceless” James said doubling over with laughter at the expression on Henry’s face. He fell over on the floor and began rolling around laughing so hard he started to cry.

Henry just ground his teeth together in anger and was about to give his friend a good long lecture on responsible behavior when a blinding white light filled the room, and suddenly he was falling.

“Oh great work genius” Henry yelled as the two plummeted down into the abyss of never-ending darkness.

“How was I supposed to know this would happen?” he yelled back as they continued to fall with no end in sight.

… 4 hours later …

“Henry hey Henry” James said with a snigger.

“Oh my God what is it now James?” Henry asked with a disgruntled sigh. At first the constant falling had been terrifying, but that phase had passed hours ago and now only boredom and anger remained.

“Do you think we’ll ever stop falling?” he asked with a refreshing touch of seriousness in his tone.

“Yes” Henry said around three octaves higher.

“How do you kn… there’s something below us isn’t there?” he replied with an audible gulp.

“Ho yeah” Henry said as his back touched down on a smooth surface. A loud grunt behind him alerted Henry to the fact that James had also touched down.

“Oh… My… God… A slide fuck yes” He cried putting his hands up like he was on a roller coaster and whooping constantly whilst Henry on the other hand just screamed in terror and shut his eyes.

Almost as soon as it had begun the sliding stopped and a bright light blinded them yet again. Suddenly the falling stopped and a feeling of weightlessness overcame Henry. He cautiously opened one eye and peered at the scene before him, and consequently started screaming “shit” all the way down and through a closed window.

… 5 minutes earlier …

Celestia sipped tenderly from her cup as she read quietly in her study. This was always her favorite time; nopony (apart from her studious protégé) was awake this early and thus would not be able to disturb her peace. Alone she allowed herself some comforts usually in the form of a good book and some fine tea.

This particular winter morning had been quite chilly so Celestia had kept the window shut and the fire roaring whilst she snuggled up in a white blanket. All was good until a shadow flew past her window effectively distracting her from her musings.

“What was that I wonder?” She said softly. After about three seconds of thinking time she was distracted by the sound of glass shattering.

Now on full alert she got up, calmly opened her door and stepped out into the dimly lit hallways in search of the cause for her rude interruption…

… Present …

“Oh boy that crash nearly rang my bell” Henry said as he held his pounding head with one hand, and slowly propped himself up with the other. He took in his surroundings, and noted with astonishment how oddly cartoony everything looked. He looked at his own hand and saw the same offset of reality.

“Well I’ll be… Now where am I exactly?” Henry said aloud.

“Equestria” A voice chimed warmly from behind him.

Well Henry almost had a heart attack and was about to lecture the perpetrator on proper etiquette when his words failed him and he resorted to a rather crude and distasteful display of language.

“Fuck off…” He said staring blankly at the talking equine in front of him.

“Excuse me, but what exactly is that supposed to mean?” The equine asked politely.

“It means… Wait why am I even conversing with a horse? Am I insane? I defiantly not in Kansas anymore” Henry said getting to his feet and brushing the remnants of what was once a window from his shirt. He turned his attention toward the equine who was beaming warmly at him.

“I’m Princess Celestia of Equestria and you are?” She said confidently.

“Henry Waterforth and this buffoon here is J… wait where is he now?” Henry said doing a full 360 in search of his crude friend.

“You mean to say that there are more of… well of you?” Celestia asked quietly, and she raised a hoof to her chin in deep thought.

“Yes, but only James and I… If you don’t mind my asking, what exactly are you? I mean apart from being a member of the equus ferus caballus family.” Henry awaiting his answer expectantly.

“Equus ferra… what? I’m an Alicorn princess. Part Pegasus, part Unicorn and small part Earth pony, and what might you be if you also don’t mind my asking?” Celestia with tactful grace.

“Homo Sapiens… A human being which belongs to the primate family” Henry said with pride.

“So Henry what brings you to our humble kingdom? I hope your intentions are good because I’d hate to have to banish you to a distance place.” She said with a serious expression that made Henry’s mind practically scream for him to run. Instead he gulped loudly and offered his reply.

“Uh… well… you see I don’t even know how I got here. One moment I was reading about Ra-amun and the sun god Tia, and the next I was here with a lot of falling and sliding in between… Are you alright?” Henry asked cautiously as he noticed Celestia scrunch her face up and raise a hoof to her temple as if struck by a bad migraine.

“Y-Yes it’s nothing you were saying?” She replied calmly and motioned for Henry to continue, but just as he was about to speak a shout came from behind the two.

“Your majesty a strange creature is currently rampaging through Ponyville… Ahhh it’s already here! Get back your majesty! An iron clad pony shouted leveling his spear at Henry who immediately raised his hands in the air.

“Hey, I come in peace… No rampaging here” Henry said nervously.

“Everything is quite alright sir. You may return to your post now” Celestia said with a dismissing wave of her hoof.

“As you wish your majesty” He said with a quick salute before turning around and marching down the hallway to whence he came.

Henry breathed a sigh of relief and lowered his hands. Celestia gigged softly and asked the one question that set angels singing in Henry’s head.

“Would you like some tea?”

…10 minutes earlier in Ponyville...

“What… is it Twilight?” Rainbow asked, and cautiously nudged the foreign body with a hoof.

“I don’t know. I’ve never even seen anything like it in any of my books” Twilight said anxiously pacing back and forth around the still form of the creature who had crash landed in the middle of Ponyville.

“Ah dunno girls it looks mighty strange, maybe we should all take ah step back just in case.” Applejack piped up with concern.

“Oh no Applejack what if the poor thing is injured” Fluttershy said pushing past the others to get a closer look. She brushed some stray locks of hair from its face and examined for any signs of bleeding or bruising.

“Fluttershy is absolutely right it is our duty to care for everypony… or whatever this thing is anyway” Rarity said with gusto as she backed Fluttershy up.

Twilight thought for a moment. What if it was from another world? Or what if it was intelligent and could share its knowledge with her? Twilight felt her excitement rise as her mind calculated many possible outcomes.

“Uh guys I think its waking up” Rainbow said cutting Twilight short of her fantasy and drawing her attention to the stirring creature.

“Where am I?” It said in a feebly weak voice.

“You’re in Ponyville silly” Pinkie Pie said with a snort.

“Pony where?” It said in confusion and slowly opened its eyes. “Oh what the fuck” It said suddenly scrabbling to its feet and bounding back a few steps.

“Is something wrong sugarcube?” AJ said hesitantly.

“Yeah it is… I’m talking to horses” It said holding its head with its five fingered claws.

“Are you hurt?” Fluttershy asked meekly, and took a step towards the thing.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa back up there.” It said with a serious tone, but unfortunately Fluttershy had fallen into her trance which meant she wasn’t paying attention.

The creature put out a hand to shove her back a tiny bit and found itself sailing through the air into a nearby brick wall. Twilight winced as she heard the crack, and was about to harshly reprimand Rainbow for striking the creature when she noticed her pinning the creature against the wall and breathing fire.

“Don’t you touch her she is just trying to help” Rainbow snorted angrily.

“Wha- I didn’t even do anything” The creature spat, its word were dripping with venom.

Twilight was about to intervene when the creature shoved Rainbow with both hands and sent her skidding back a few steps. Twilight’s fear grew as Rainbow retaliated by sprinting up and bucking the creature in the face. Not quite full force but enough to hurt, and the creature was whipped around.

“Okay fuck this noise, time to bring the pain ” The creature spat as a trickle of blood ran from its nose.

“Rainbow stop it now!” Twilight said, but the blue Pegasus was already too enraged to listen and Twilight was sure that she would seriously hurt the creature. She quickly went about preparing a soothing spell, but her worst fears came to fruition as Rainbow charged in.

This time the creature drew back its arms and launched it forward into the oncoming Pegasus’s face. There was a sickening crack as Rainbow’s jaw dislocated and the creature was nursing its hand. From there the situation spiraled out of control.

“Rainbow!” Applejack cried out and ran over to stand protectively over her friend. The rest of Twilight’s friends went and stood by her side, glaring at the creature.

“lemme up I can still knock the hay out of that thing” Rainbow said struggling beneath the weight of Pinkie Pie who was sitting on top of her.

“I outta knock your block off for that” Pinkie said waving her hoof in the air menacingly.

“Ah second that” Applejack agreed.

“As do I” Rarity said fluffing her mane up.

“Try it” The creature said taking a few steps back and pulling out a strange metallic object. “I’ll use this if you don't back the fuck off my shit” It said leveling the object at the group and trembling slightly.

“Oh yeah and what’s that gunna do? You’re not even close enough to hit us with it” Rainbow said Pushing Pinkie off her and rising from the ground then taking a slow step toward the shaking creature.

“Hit you with it? You’re serious right?” It said incredulously.

“Pfffffft , Whatever?” Dash said wryly, taking one more step before reeling back after a loud explosion erupted from the metallic object. A trail of blood ran down her cheek and her eyes widened.

“Oww!” Rainbow cried as she covered the wound with a hoof.

“O-Oh shit… I’m sorry. I only meant to scare you, not actually hit you… Uh my bad.” The creature said with an awkward smile. Which was meet by intense confusion from the six ponies currently scratching their heads.

“So with that said I’ll be off then… By the way the name’s James” It said with a quick salute before swiveling on the spot and taking off just like that, and leaving the six friends in stunned silence.

“Eh?” Twilight proclaimed in confusion as James walked hurriedly away from the complex situation he had just created, every now and then he would peer back to see if anyone was following him.

‘Last time I touch Egyptian mumbo jumbo voodoo crap. Where am I going to sleep? I hope they take Amex here’ James thought to himself as he wandered aimlessly through the town.

“Ahhhh crap” He said aloud as he about faced and walked off back from whence he came in search of lodging for the evening as he realized that he was broke and fully prepared to beg if need be. It was going to be a long night indeed.