The Epically Epic Quest for the Epic Treasure of Epic Epicness
Once upon a time, in a small hamlet during Princess Platinum’s reign, there was a shoe cobbler. Not a sweet pastry dessert with shoe as the main ingredient; rather the type of pony who made shoes for a living. This cobbler lived in the magical land of Equestria, inhabited by pastel coloured ponies. Needless to say, it was quite difficult to live off making shoes in a nation where everypony simply wore horseshoes or went barehoof. Sometimes, he even considered switching careers to shoe-based desserts in hopes of increasing profits, but he never did.
One day, after deciding to clean his house, Cheap Cobbler found a scroll in a chest that used to belong to his great-grandpappy. Nopony until now had opened the chest because it was locked. Even after receiving advice from their friendly neighbors about hiring a locksmith, the family was too poor to hire one. What’s more, it was quite a fancy chest that would surely fetch a high price once opened and it would be a shame to destroy the beautiful piece of woodwork.
While cleaning though, Cheap Cobbler lifted the chest up with his telekinesis that all unicorns have to dust the corner and found the key underneath it. It really was embarrassing to realise that nopony in his family, for three generations after his great-grandpappy, tidied that particular spot or even moved the chest. However, it was to be noted that one of the reasons why he was in such a financial muck in the first place was because his father was named ‘Working Impaired’, and that name didn’t just apply to his career.
After opening the chest, he found a scroll. For reasons he himself was unsure of, he felt a strange aura of something that could only be described as Epically Epic radiating out of the scroll. The scroll read ‘Dear whoever is reading this Epically Epic Scroll of Epic Epicness, I have left an Epically Epic Treasure of Epic Epicness in a secret place. Follow these instructions and begin the The Epically Epic Quest for the Epic Treasure of Epic Epicness and you will find it. If you’re wondering why I would leave instructions for such a thing and not just leave it for inheritance or give it to a museum, shut up.’ Cheap Cobbler immediately read the first instruction, which said to go to the local library for the next scroll, which made sense, and began his mission in hopes of finally making it big.
As Cheap Cobbler walked to the public library with the scroll floating beside him, he began to wonder where his great-grandpappy could have gotten an Epically Epic Treasure of Epic Epicness. Before he could further ponder this possibility, he arrived. Entering the town library, he floated the scroll in front of his face and read the next instruction. Moving his lips with the words, he read ‘Go to the back left corner, beside the section about famous vandalists, and dig until you find the Epically Epic Scroll of Epic Epicness showing the next set of instructions.’ Upset that this wouldn’t be as easy as checking out a scroll, Cheap Cobbler realized he didn’t bring a shovel. Sighing, he had to go back to his house and to get one.
On the way back to his home, he considered whether or not his great-grandpappy could have gotten the treasure by simply being really good at his job. After all, anypony can make a fortune in a kingdom where the aristocracy, who had the title back then as The Ponies who Leeched all Extra Money from the Working Class into their own Coffers', controlled the economy. After giving it a little more thought, Cheap Cobbler dismissed the possibility his great-grandpappy could have been a standard worker.
As he walked back, regretting not reading the whole Epically Epic Scroll of Epic Epicness before he began his Epically Epic Quest of Epic Epicness, he wondered if his great-grandpappy could have been a criminal of some sort. Where else would his great-grandpappy get the cash for what will surely be an amazing treasure? There was probably plenty of work for assassins and thieves back during his great-grandpappy’s time, now known as the Age of Investing Tax Money Into the Guard Force and Eliminating all Crime. Remembering what that generation was called made him change his mind though, and Cheap Cobbler picked up the shovel.
Once back at the library, he started digging up where the scroll told him to dig. Ignoring the librarian who was whispering at him to stop in a volume that was suitable at a library, he finally uncovered a second chest. Opening the chest, which was conveniently was unlocked, he found another scroll. It read ‘Now you must continue the Epically Epic Quest of Epic Epicness in the forest. Travel until you find the Epically Epic Lake of Epic Epicness inside the center of the forest.” Setting off immediately, Cheap Cobbler just pushed past an enraged librarian.
Once again thinking of where his great-grandpappy could have gotten what surely would be a treasure of the most amazing caliber, Cheap Cobbler wondered if his great-grandpappy could have a been a spy for the king. After all, spies make a lot of cash. And surely it would be easy to nick a few treasures here and there in the Crystal Empire, the only country it’s possible to travel to from Equestria, nicknamed ‘The country which brutally murders and tortures all enemy spies discovered.’ That Sombra was not a nice guy, even before he began experimenting in immortality and became a brutal tyrant bent on conquering the world. Not that it concerned him personally. Crossing that career of his mental list, he suddenly felt a strange wetness of his forehooves. Seeing that during his pondering about his great-grandpappy he had already arrived at the lake within the center of the forest, he read the scroll. In the middle of the lake there is an Epically Epic Island of Epic Epicness which you must get to on a floating transport of some sort. There will be a big lump of dirt on the Epically Epic island of Epic Epicness which the Epically Epic Treasure of Epic Epicness will be buried underneath.’
Groaning as he realized that he made the same mistake of not reading the whole scroll, he trekked back through the forest to the boat shop. When he arrived, he asked the owner, Pricy Boats, for his cheapest watercraft. Grumbling the whole time as he pulled out his wallet, which he never left home for fear of it being stolen and losing all his money.
Going into the forest again, he started to get a little angry at his great-grandpappy for forcing him into such an arduous journey. The treasure had better be pretty good, preferably golden or possible bejeweled with the most majestic gems in the land. Maybe it would be a scepter covered in the largest rubies and diamonds and sapphires and emeralds and OW! When Cheap Cobbler tried to see what hit him, he found that he had rammed his horn into a tree. Mumbling obscenities, he teleported himself out the tree with unicorn magic, resolving not to get off track again.
With his new state of focus, Cheap Cobbler managed to get to the lake without any difficulty. Placing the boat down into the water, he hopped on and paddled to the island. Jumping off the boat onto the island, he trotted eagerly to the the lump.
“TREASURE!” shouted Cheap Cobbler, excited to finally have what he worked so hard for.
Quickly digging with just his hooves, forgetting his shovel and not caring. Picking it up, he ws a tad confused. Instead of some glorious object worth millions there was a simple scroll. Cheap Cobbler wasn’t an idiot though, he read enough ironic stories in which the treasure seeker finds a secret of the universe, infinite in value, instead of traditional treasure and just wasted it. He would not make that mistake. Perhaps his great-grandpappy knew the secret behind Discord’s magic or something similar. Opening the scroll in hopes of finding a message of brilliance, he read‘Ha ha ha! There is no Epically Epic Search for the Epic Treasure of Epicness! I just tricked you!’ Cheap Cobbler screamed in rage, leading the guard who were searching for him for damaging the library right to him. Cheap Cobbler, being too cheap to pay the fine of three bits, was dragged to the dungeons, cursing his great-grandpappy Redundant Liar all the while.
The End
