Falling. All I can remember. The feeling of losing the ground below my hooves, a gaping maw opening up beneath me and swallowing me whole. Tumbling, falling. Complete darkness. None of my senses indicate any movement, but I feel like I am constantly thrown around by ferocious winds. Where I’ll end up, I don’t know. I should have gotten used to it by now, and maybe one day I will. But not today, not yet.
Every moment that passes, another piece of myself is ripped out from the whole and scattered by the storm inside me. When will this end? Will it ever truly end? Is this what going insane feels like?
My memory is slowly coming back, bits and pieces, but still…
You were all I ever had, all I needed, all I could ask for, and far more than I deserved. You were my air, my sunshine, my world. My happiness when I succeeded and my safeguard when I fell. The one golden ray of sunlight that never faded, never diminished, no matter how dark the day. But once, when I needed you most, my sister, my guardian, you weren’t there. I don’t blame you. This was my fault, from the very beginning. My jealousy, my rage, my hate created the abomination that is Nightmare Moon. And it was my moment of weakness she could abuse to overthrow me and almost bring about night time eternal.
You were all I could hope for, the key to my salvation. But now you’re gone, and I’m on my own. Everything and everypony I knew is gone. You were the world to me, but you’re not here anymore. You’ve left me, alone, vulnerable, lost. I still can’t believe it. I can’t believe you’re no longer around to guide me, that you sent me away. Why would you abandon me like that? Leave me trapped inside my mind, lock me away on the moon for a thousand years, with her?
Nothing. Nothing remains. I’m feeling empty, hollow. Alone. All that was inside me, all I felt for you, it’s all gone. You’ve taken everything from me when you sent me to this life-forsaken rock. I can’t hate you even after all this. There’s no room for hate, and just as every last negative feeling subsided and, eventually, slowly died out, so did my love for you and everything I held dear. I am numb, an empty shell, trapped inside an empty mind and locked up in a paralyzed body. There’s nothing but the void.
You left me. You took so much when you’ve sent me away, it’s hard to tell what’s still here. My body? Sure, time won’t change that. My mind though? Not my own, for so long… living with her presence, constantly fighting over control. Whatever bit of sanity remains is rapidly falling apart, easy prey to the fast-growing seeds of madness, and mustering up the strength to fight gets harder by the second. Some traitorous part of myself keeps undermining my struggle, asking whether being insane is so bad after all, if it wouldn’t be easier to simply give in to her advances and embrace the power… what frightens me most is that I’m actually considering it. Is thinking about going mad the last step before or the first stage of being crazy?
I’m still here. That’s about all I can say about myself right now. It describes my situation best. I’m still here. Time is nothing but a blur to me. Minutes, hours, whole days go by in the blink of an eye. Months and years pass in between heartbeats, kingdoms rise and fall, and I’m still here. Centuries pass, and I’m still here. Waiting.
‘What for?’, you might ask. It’s a valid question. It’s also one to which the answer is rather complicated. A thousand years of banishment to the moon. My moon. Sounds simple enough. Two problems though: First, there’s no such thing as clocks on the moon, no way to exactly tell how time passes and how much of my sentence remains. Time is funny up here. There’s nopony to force rules upon it, and so it listens only to its own will. Sometimes, days and weeks fly by in no more time than it takes one to blink, and the next moment what I perceive as time slows to a crawl and seconds stretch into eternity, eons in between. Eons of solitude and loneliness, with nopony as company but myself. And more importantly, my body may return, but what about my mind? Who will be the one coming back? Will it be my old, true self, finally free from the terror of Nightmare Moon? Or will it be her who returns, me still being held captive within my own mind?
I finally understand. I understand why there is no death sentence in Equestrian law. There’s no need for it. Why bother with petty bloodshed when there’s a far more cruel punishment at hoof? All the time you could possibly imagine, alone, to think about how you upset the Princess of the Sun. What better way to cope with your mistakes? What better way to force you to regret what you’ve done than to have nothing to do but think it over and over again, for a thousand years?
I can feel again. The rage was the first to come back, but it eventually subsided when I realized it was part of what brought me up here in the first place. Right now, I feel sorrow. I really do. I’m sorry, sister. I’m sorry for my mistake, I’m sorry I disappointed you and I’m sorry I forced your hoof. Most of all, I’m sorry I wasn’t a better sister to you. Even if it doesn’t change anything now and for whatever good it does, know I’m sorry. I don’t blame you. You made the right decision and protected our loyal subjects in my moment of weakness. And even though I truly regret the past, the part of me that is Nightmare Moon is still overwhelming, screaming for revenge. I thought it gone at first, cleansed by the Elements, but she was merely hiding in the shadows, waiting for her moment to strike. I’ll try to keep her contained, but I’m afraid I might be too weak to hold her back for long.
It’s over. Nightmare Moon won. Over the past… ticks, she gradually took over piece after piece of my mind, and now she’s here. I knew this day would come. Nightmare Moon ultimately found me, my last sanity hiding away in the farthest corner of this mind once mine, sheltered and protected from her corruption. She found my true self. All this time, all the pain, all the struggle, wasted. I couldn’t contain her, couldn’t hold out long enough. I wasn’t strong enough, just like last time I couldn’t hold her back. I’m sorry, sister.
The walls of my mental safe room are shaking under the fury of her assault... forgive me, sister. I never wanted it to end this way… But what’s that? Suddenly the raging beast outside seems dull, muffled. Something is reinforcing the barriers I put up around me and feeding me strength.
“Luna”, an ethereal voice calls out.
“Our Princess”, another one.
More and more join in, and I finally recognize them. The stars are calling me! My stars! I thought they’d given up on me!
“We’d never do that to our guardian. We never left your side, Luna. Nightmare Moon could not deceive nor stop us. We will be with you for the eons to come, and you’ll be safe among us.”
If I hadn’t been paralyzed, I’d have to hold back my tears for sure. To hear these familiar voices again, to feel safe, loved, after so long…
The stars reassure me, but they don’t know her as well as I do, how strong she truly is. They got a plan, but won’t tell me just yet. Whatever it is, this better work. If not, this might not only be the end of me but the end of ponykind as we know it.
My time on the moon is almost up. I feel no different, but the stars keep telling me to be prepared. They finally inducted me into their plan, but I’m not sure if I can take on Nightmare Moon in a direct face-off. Even with their help and in the moment the banishment is lifted, a weakened nightmare might still be too strong for me to take on. But I can’t fail, I mustn’t fail. I have to try, if it’s the last thing I ever do. I owe it to you, sister, and to the ponies of Equestria. I want them to see the real me again, to restore order as was meant to be. I want to be Princess Luna, their Guardian of the Night again, not a creature of nightmares. I want to be remembered as a kind, caring pony. I’ll try my best, Celestia, and hopefully stop this from happening again. Wish me luck, and if I fail… I mustn’t. Failure is not an option.
I can feel it. It’s time. So soon? I’m not prepared, what am I supposed to do? I can’t fight her, it won’t work, I tried! Please, Sister, help me! I can’t do it! How am I supposed to fight myself and win? Celestia, please…!
Author's Note
An enormous ‘Thank You!’ to Cavemonkynick, for being the awesome person, writer and friend he is. This story wouldn’t have been written without his help, encouragement and proofreading. He put up with my antics and made me smile when I needed it most. He also writes both more and better than I do, so go check out his work!
