It's Hard To Be This Sexy
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“You have got to be bucking joking me.”
“Do I look like I’m joking about this?” Discord asked completely seriously, the fuzzy fake beard dangling quaveringly from his chin. “Calm your teats, Lulu.”
Princess Luna stamped against the floor angrily, resisting the urge to grind her teeth as she trotted to keep up with the draconequus. He meandered down Canterlot Palace’s enormous halls, and did so in a manner that disturbed Luna deeply.
“She’s not going to marry you just because you say she will,” Luna said in disbelief, agitated by Discord’s antics once again. “That’s utterly preposterous – and stop walking like that!”
“What?” he shrugged his misshapen shoulders and gave her an innocent grin. “It’s called a swagger. I have swag, now.”
“I have no idea what that means,” Princess Luna admitted wearily, watching the draconequus stalk assuredly down the hall. “Regardless, you look preposterous.”
“Luna, Luna, Luna. Lulu. Loo-lee-loo-lee looney Luna,” Discord patted her obnoxiously on the head with a singsong voice. Despite her age and immense patience, Luna still had to resist the urge to bite his paw as he accidentally tipped her tiara slightly askew. “You shouldn’t fight what you can’t stop, little Luna.”
“My sister is no buffoon!” Luna slapped his paw away grumpily, straightening her crown and stomping along beside him. Discord seemed relatively pleased that he had gotten under her skin. “Cease this nonsense at once!”
“Aw, come on,” Discord grinned cheerfully. “Why so serious? We’re practically family already.”
“Celestia is not marrying you,” Luna glowered at him as they passed a couple of surprised looking royal guards, whom Discord distracted by dumping a cascade of rubber ducks on them from thin air with a click of his talons. “And to assume that I would assist you in such endeavors is even more ridiculous. Did you honestly believe that Celestia would simply fall for you just because you bring her flowers?”
“… Well, yes,” Discord answered in a deadpan. “Come on, Lulu. Mares just aren’t very complicated.”
Luna’s steps actually faltered for a moment, and it took every single last scrap of self-control not to kick the smug draconequus silly.
“Discord,” Luna breathed agitatedly through her teeth as they approached Celestia’s chambers. “You are both horridly condescending and unpleasantly sexist. And Tia says I don’t keep up with the times,” she snorted.
“Oh, pshaw,” Discord rolled his eyes. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it. The grownups are going to talk now.”
Luna began to berate him, as it was pretty much the only distraction she had to keep herself from outright mauling the draconequus, before he interrupted her yet again as they paused outside of Celestia’s bedroom.
“What were her favorite flowers again?” Discord licked his palm and flattened his goat’s horn and antler as he would a mane. Within seconds, they sprang back up with a bouncy motion, flopping wildly before regaining their initial stiffness.
“Tulips,” Luna stated flatly. Immediately, Discord snapped his talons and conjured an enormous bouquet of vibrantly yellow tulips. He straightened a polka dotted tie that had somehow appeared on his chest without her noticing, giving the widest lopsided grin that he could manage before pushing the enormous polished mahogany door wide open.
Princess Celestia was reclining before a lowly roaring fireplace, levitating fork with a bit of cake on it still dangling just outside of her mouth as she started in surprise. To be honest, it was probably one of the last things she expected. A couple of letters similar to the one she magically held before her sat on her writing desk, obviously already opened.
“Hi, Titi!” Discord said cheerfully. “I-”
“Out,” Celestia narrowed her eyes angrily, dropping the fork onto her plate with a quiet clink! “And thank you so kindly for knocking, Discord.”
She spotted her younger sister staring emotionlessly from behind the equally blank draconequus, who ever so slowly withdrew and closed the door without ever dropping his gaze.
The door closed quietly, leaving Celestia in complete silence with her latest letter from Twilight.
No sooner had she taken a deep breath and began to massage her temples that a couple of loud raps and taps echoed from her door. She let out a long, tortured sigh, steeling herself.
“Yes, Discord.”
“How do you know it’s Discord?” Discord’s muffled voice retorted slyly, and she let out a whistle of agitation.
“What do you want, Discord?”
He promptly barged back into her room again, nearly tripping over himself and holding the bundle of tulips aloft with a goofy grin.
“I brought flowers!” Discord said ecstatically, nearly bouncing on the spot.
“… So I see.” Celestia said, unamused.
“Yeah, I know,” Discord rolled his neck in what she suspected was supposed to be a suave manner. Discord dropped the flowers onto her plate, flopping next to her and popping out a small box. “So, how’s about that marriage?”
Celestia stared at him for a full beat.
“No.”
“But-”
“No. Now get out.”
Discord sat unblinkingly for a long moment, before eventually dragging himself up and slowly slumping out of her bedroom with his tail dragging forlornly on the ground behind him. Celestia almost felt a little sorry for him for a moment, but the feeling quickly faded. He trailed away wordlessly, leaving Luna standing shell shocked in her doorway.
Eventually, Luna sighed and allowed herself in, closing the door behind her.
“… Lulu…” Celestia began slowly, picking the flowers off of her plate in mild disdain. “What just happened?”
“Discord wants to marry you. I don’t know why,” Luna answered truthfully, glaring into the blazing fireplace. “Obviously, he has been affected by the inherent madness brought by being the avatar of chaos itself.”
Celestia shrugged, just as befuddled. She, too, stared long and hard into the fire, but her mind was elsewhere. To be honest, Discord barging into her room was nothing new; and any magical barriers or defenses she threw up were completely useless. Sometimes, he did it just to be annoying.
But either way, although she didn’t show it, Discord had shaken her deeply.
After a long while, Celestia shook her head and frowned.
“I hate tulips,” she muttered distractedly, tossing them into the fire.
“Yes,” Luna said with a ghost of a grin tugging at her lips. “I know.”
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Discord shuffled along the halls grumpily, his mismatched arms crossed over his chest as he lurched forward. Lost deep in thought, Discord meandered in an off-beat rhythm, his mind in turmoil.
Had it been the cologne?
Maybe it was the cologne.
Discord sniffed under his armpit, the overwhelming stench of peppermint and eau de toilet burning his nose. He sneezed, continuing his cranky stomping.
How was he supposed to take over all of Equestria if the stupid princess wouldn’t listen to his stupid proposal so that he could go through with the stupid marriage? Discord’s scowl deepened as he thought over his perfect plan again, wondering where he went wrong.
First step, marry Celestia. Then she would be too wrapped up in lovey-dovey garbage to stop him from engaging in phase two, taking over Equestria. Even Twilight and her little cronies wouldn’t dare challenge the rule of Princess Celestia; he’d virtually be scot free.
He could have sworn that there was a third step, but for the life of him he couldn’t remember it. It probably had something to do with actually buying a ring, which Discord had failed to do.
So, in hindsight, it was probably a good thing that Celestia hadn’t given him the chance to open his little black ring box.
Where did ponies even put rings, anyway?
Discord stared out the window up at the waning moon for a few minutes, contemplating. Before long, he was quietly joined in the empty and expansive hallway by none other than Princess Luna, who sat beside him to watch the moon.
“So,” Luna started with a hint of self-righteousness. “It would appear that I am not ‘a super wrong doody-head’ after all, hmm?”
“Of course you are,” Discord scratched his chin with a deep frown. “Obviously, I just caught her at a bad time, what with the cake and all. She’s probably just embarrassed that I know she’s secretly ruining her diet.”
“Yes,” Luna deadpanned. “Obviously.”
Discord sighed heavily, his head thumping weakly against the glass window in despair.
“Well, that was a failure. What am I supposed to try next?”
Luna snorted, inching away from the draconequus in mild revulsion.
“Perhaps you could attempt leaving Celestia alone.”
“Oh, like that’s going to help!” he threw out his arms in frustration, one of them punching through the glass window. Luna seethed quietly, magically repairing the glass and silently marveling that the draconequus hadn’t cut himself.
“Don’t be so clumsy!” she berated him, the glow from her horn fading.
“But I did that on p- I mean, clumsy!” he nodded seriously. “Yeah.”
He stood in complete silence for a minute, wringing his ‘hands’.
“… But, seriously, Lu. I kind of need to make your sister get the hots for me, pronto.”
“Discord,” Luna pinched the bridge of her nose with her hooves. “Even if I could make Celestia fall in love with you, I would do no such thing.”
“Oh, come on!” he whined, trudging after her when she began to walk away. “It’s really important to me! Wouldn’t you help a friend?” he slithered forward, his serpentine neck winding too close to her face as he batted his lashes innocently.
“You are not our friend,” Luna stated flatly. “Also, you smell.”
“Knew it,” he mumbled and clicked his talons in distress. Luna promptly heard something somewhere in the castle exploding, followed by panicked shouts and screaming.
“And on top of that,” she added as they turned a corner, and nodded to a couple of bat pony guards. “On top of that, I sincerely doubt that you wish to marry my sister because of your ‘intrinsic love for her’.”
“It’s-” Discord coughed, hiding his mouth behind his paw. “(Kind of) the truth!” he exclaimed.
“Malarkey.” Luna shook her head, and snickered. “Discord, it is blatantly obvious that you are attempting something nefarious, and I refuse to support you in your endeavors.”
“Oh, please,” he retorted drolly, slowly winding into the air and floating alongside her. “I’m not up to anything this time. I assure you, I only want to marry your sister for her smokin’ plot.”
“… I despise you,” Luna deadpanned. “I loathe you with every single fiber of my being.”
“Luna,” Discord dropped from the air as they approached her room. “Princess Luna.”
She froze, his sudden seriousness and stiff demeanor throwing her off. Discord cleared his throat, standing humbly before her.
“Princess Luna,” Discord met her eyes somberly. “It would fill my black – I mean, patchwork – heart with unrelenting joy if you would help me to marry your sister.”
She stared hard at him, and said “Doubtlessly, because you are just so compassionate about her.”
“I am!” he replied instantly, nodding vigorously. “I love Celestia.”
Luna couldn’t quite tell if he were lying unconvincingly, or if he had suddenly developed a violent twitch. It seemed to be a little bit of both.
“Of course you do.”
She turned to leave him, but he snagged her hoof before she could go. Luna nearly rebuked him, but slowly closed her mouth when she saw the torn, agonized expression he was giving her – and, for a split second, Luna wondered if he might really be telling the truth.
“… Please?” he asked earnestly, wringing his mismatched hands again. “I-I don’t think anypony else would ever help me, either.”
Luna glared long and hard at the draconequus then, her mind in turmoil. The gears turned powerfully as one potential situation met another, and her thoughts were heavy as her sigh. Discord, as he fiddled with his talons and gripped the fuzzy tip of his tail while shuffling uncomfortably back and forth in front of her, almost reminded her of an innocent, lost little puppy.
He didn’t appear to be his usual mischievous and antagonist self. He just looked… sad.
“… She loves the smell of chrysanthemums…”
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