//-------------------------------------------------------//
                      Life's A Party                       
                       -by Nosfrat-                        
//-------------------------------------------------------//
//-------------------------------------------------------//
                      Life's A Party                       
//-------------------------------------------------------//
Author's Note
English is not my main language. While I consider myself more or less fluent in its usage, I'm definitely lacking in the vocabulary department. Grammar might not always be correct, either. Hell, I don't even know anyone who actually likes MLP, so I have to be my own beta reader and shit. It's also not unlikely that the reader won't understand something that I overlooked, due to it being so obvious in my mind.  
Feel free to point out any mistake you might find.
I will not be held responsible for the loss of brain cells reading this story might cause.
Life's A Party
A low grunt stirs me out of my work. Shooting a glance at the door, I frown before recoiling in surprise. "What the... Pinkie?"
Okay, now I'm a little surprised that I heard a low grunt, and not a burst of ear-shatteringly high giggling.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Pinkie! What the hell are you doing now?" I ask, staring at the pink mare... no, at the pink thing, in disbelief.
When I first arrived in Equestria, I tried to understand how things worked. How ponies worked. How this particular pony worked... Needless to say, I gave up pretty fast on the latter.  
But still, watching her as she squeezes her way through the half inch of available space underneath the closed door remains something deeply unsettling. Something that strikes fear and disgust into me. That should not be possible.
But the even more impossible thing is her facial expression. She's not smiling, she's not frowning, she's... deadpanning?  
Pinkie, with a face devoid of visible emotions. How's that for nightmare fuel?
Still, being under the assumption that she can somehow sense fear, I try my best to remain calm and breathe steadily.
"Pinkie, why do you keep pestering me?" I ask uneasily, watching as her expressionless gaze turns into one of confusion. "I already told you countless times that I didn't want you around here. Ever. I want to be left alone... And besides the obvious fact that you are way, way too hyper for my liking, when somepony, no matter who, is around, I can't focus. And right now, I have this thing that I need to finish for tomorrow, and I-"
A faceful of pink curls silences me as she wraps her forehooves around me in a surprisingly strong hug. "Pinkie... God, what's wrong with you now? I told you, I-" Once again she cuts me off, and I nearly scream as her squeeze changes from strong to crushing.
"I know, I know! I just... I know, alright?" she says, in a tone that is unlike anything I have ever heard from Pinkie Pie. There is something highly unsettling about this whole thing, whatever the hell it is. Now that's Pinkie we're talking about, and while she certainely isn't one to respect personal space, she at least had always been respectful of the fact that I did not want to be touched.
However, even as her surprisingly soft hooves dig into my sides, I am still not willing to push her away, even if I actually could. And she isn't letting go, either.
Something about the pink party pony never sat quite right with me, but I've never really been sure what it was, exactly. Maybe it was her endless energy, and the speed as which she talks... No, the speed at which she spews words. Maybe it was how she makes physics and logic her personal bitches, or maybe it was how her voice makes Rob Halford's screams sound like a seventy year old truck driver's suffering from throat cancer...
But whatever it was, I can't recall it being how warm she was, or how her soft mane smelled of cotton candy. She mumbles something into my chest, but I can't quite make out what it is. The feeling of dread and apprehension is growing with every second, but I choose to ignore it, instead opting for wrapping an arm around her midsection. Her coat is soft, warm and fuzzy under the touch, with a delicate scent of sugary treats. There is something soothing about it all...
And there is something equally soothing, though highly disturbing and off-putting, about a quiet and calm Pinkie Pie. A few seconds later, she slowly breaks away from me, and gives me a seemingly forced smile. "I'm sorry, I-I better go. I need to go. I have a party to go. To throw. Throw, I mean. The party. Yes... a party..."
I blink in disbelief, as I usually do every few seconds whenever Pinkie is around, but this time it's for a pretty different reason. She, Pinkie Pie, the pinkest, partiest, poniest motherfucking pink party pony in all of Equestria, is talking about parties... and yet she's not bouncing around, speaking faster than what should be physically possible, fucking already gaping holes into the fourth wall, or even simply showing a hint of excitement in any way. Her voice is also much lower than usual, and her mane looks duller and flatter.
"Hey Pinks, you alright? I'm sorry if I was a little-"
"No, no, no! It's alright, it's... alright. I understand." she cuts me off again, as a smile slowly finds its way onto my face. At least, she won't let me finish a sentence. That hasn't changed. Who knew finding out Pinkie was still being Pinkie could be so... relieving?
Confused and somewhat downtrodden, I watch as she makes her way to the door, and actually opens the damn thing, as opposed to whatever the hell else she could possibly think would be a convenient way to 'use' a door. She opens it, and slowly trots out, before closing it behind her. I blink a few times, trying to comprehend what I just saw. This, whatever it was, was not Pinkie Pie.
I still have to finish that damn thing, though... Dwelling on whatever had gotten into the blue-eyed menace won't do me any good. Resuming my work, I can't help but let my thoughts wandering. I never, ever saw her acting this way. Hell, had I not seen it, I wouldn't have believed it to be possible. It was like she was a completely different pers-, er, pony. One I could actually enjoy having around.
I was never really the social type, and even here in Equestria, where friendship seems to be a religion to some ponies, my circle of friends is pretty restricted...
I have a cool, but rather annoying (and boastful) workout buddy in Rainbow Dash. She's definitely bro material, but if only she could let go of her overly competitive spirit when around me, even for a minute or two... I was never the athletic type either, and constantly hearing shit about it from a pegasus mare who would literally take pride in winning a flying competition against me, ends up getting on my nerves really fast.
Twilight Sparkle is a nerdy, stalking creep, hell-bent on learning and figuring out just about everything that could cross her mind about me, my home world and my species in general. She is a decent friend though, and the two of us do share interests, mainly reading, and learning in general. We also tend to prefer science over other... 'sources', as far as explaining more complex things about life is concerned. Naturally, Pinkie Pie is a recurring topic in our discussions on the matter.
Fluttershy is the one who found me unconscious and badly bruised, practically left for dead, laying in a grassy field on the edge of the Everfree forest when I 'arrived' here. More likely than not, I owe her my life. She nursed me back to health and she proved to be ridiculously patient with me when I started freaking out about all the differences in this world. Despite her repeated attempts at getting physically closer than I would like a pastel cartoon pegasus to be, she's definitely a good and kind friend.
Rarity owes me her current fame and fortune. Who would have thought a few glasses of wine would eventually have forced what had started off as a perfectly friendly conversation to drift onto the more 'delicate' subject of lingerie? Regardless, it completely fascinated her, and soon enough she was asking me to help her launch her very new line. While it took quite a while to manage a decent compromise between human lingerie, and something that could properly fit pony anatomy while still resembling lingerie, 'Rarity's Secret' quickly propelled her on top of the scene, making her one of the richest ponies in Ponyville. Though beyond that, we don't have much in common. She's a refined pony though, and she's pretty level-headed overall, which is always good to have in this crazy world. Free clothes whenever needed is a nice bonus as well.
Applejack was my 'employer'. Emphasis on was, as I didn't even want the money in the beginning, and started to outright refuse it once Rarity decided it was only fair to cut me in on her earnings. But something about the orange country mare tends to make me feel a little more... 'at home'. Maybe it's the southern drawl and hospitality. Maybe it's the fact she has one of the most awesome families ever, something I could only wish I had. But most importantly, she's the one who gives me a reason to actually get out of my house... even if it's just to walk around with apples. And while carrying a few baskets of apples back and forth for an hour or two a day isn't exactly much, it's still a perfect opportunity to go outside, and get my much needed daily dose of fresh air.  
Something I had been in dire need of for years, but I could never be assed actually doing.
And then, there's her. Pinkamena Diane Pie, or Pinkie Pie to her friends, and since she's friends with pretty much every sentient (and non-sentient) being in Equestria... or at least she likes to believe so. Always insisting on throwing me a party for just about everything I say or do --not to say that I never enjoy it, though, I will never forget her epic 'scratch my balls after a nice hot shower' party-- and generally being all up in my face with complete disregard for physics, or anything related to sense or logic, really.
I always liked being alone, and I only really enjoyed the company of calm people. People who could simply sit down and read, watch TV, or simply do nothing and be unproductive and useless overall, just like I have always been. Obviously, our opposite personalities clashed quickly, and ever since I told her that no matter how many 'morning wood parties' she would throw after inviting herself in my room at eight in the morning to give me a cupcake, we were not friends and we would never be, she had made it a personal point to try and become my friend. By any means necessary, which apparently included (almost exclusively) doing the very things I hated her for, over and over again.
Man, these ponies... Man, this pony.
But right now, as I desperately try to finish this stupid drawing, I find myself actually doodling stuff that only Pinkie could ever make me think of. Did I seriously just manage to scribble a cupcake? And what the hell did I go and draw her cutie mark for now, anyway? Fuck that, I can't focus right now... Ponyville Weekly will have to wait another day for its illustrations. They're not due until tomorrow, anyway... Maybe a quick bite and a nap would help me clear my mind?
As much as I liked being able to draw for a living, though since Rarity's rise to fame, it was more akin to some kind of charity-driven community work kind of thing than an actual job, after all this time, it was still something I did almost mechanically, without putting much thought into it, allowing my actual thoughts to wander... sometimes much more than I would have liked them to.
[Pinkie Pie's P.O.V.]
Taking a quick look behind me, I keep on trotting forward as his house gradually gets smaller. Why? Why can't he like me?
Fighting back a tear, I take a cupcake out of my tail and swallow it in one go, and for a split second, a slight upward curve forms at the corner of my mouth.
"Get a grip, Pinkie! He didn't... he didn't push you away. And this time, he didn't call you a 'fuzzy piece of pink shit straight out of a little girl's wet dream'... and why does he insist on using those words, anyway? What can bad words possibly bring him?"
It seemed to me that he tends to use them more when he's angry, or hurt, or annoyed, or... anything negative or unsettling, really. It was as though those words made him feel better. Hm... Maybe I should try it? Eventually reaching my workplace and current home, Sugarcube Corner, I push the door open and accidentally bump into Mr. Cake, and the giant cake he was carrying on his back falls on top of me, whipped cream and tiny chunks of cake splattering everywhere.
Blinking twice really fast, I decide that now is as good a time as any, and let out an ear-piercing scream of anguish.
"FUUUUUUCK!"
Ignoring Carrot's shocked face, I trot up the stairs and into my room, feeling a little better. Heh, maybe that really worked? I'm due for a shower, anyway.  
Entering the bathroom, I make my way into the bathtub and turn the water on. I let out a small moan as the warm water penetrates my coat, and feel my muscles relax. I watch as tiny pieces of cake swirl in the water, before disappearing into the drain. It feels so relieving, so good... I just wish he could be in there with me. Scrubbing my back. I would scrub his back, too. Then we would dry off together. I would see him naked, most likely... I wonder how it looks like? I never understood why he insisted on wearing so much fabric at all times. That nebulous, 'I have no fur' excuse always sounded kinda dodgy to me.
Then we could cuddle, my damp fur against his bare... what does he call it, again? Coat? Skin? Yes, I think he calls it 'skin'.
Hoomans are silly creatures.
I would feel it brushing against my soft fur, and then he would wrap his arms around me, and lay my head on his lap while he idly strokes my mane, and we would just stay like that, watching TV together... maybe I could even teach him how to make cupcakes! And muffins... I know he likes it when Derpy gives him his daily muffin, while nonchalantly munching on the envelope he was meant to receive... I like Derpy, she's so silly.
And maybe one day, I would wake up next to him. And every morning after that. I would wake up next to him, and he would stand there, looking silly on two legs, grinning in my face, carrying a tray of freshly baked delicacies in his strong arms. We would feast on them together, and we would stay a little longer in bed afterwards, cuddling and... and then...
My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the bathroom door slowly creaking open, before a familiar yellow face pops from behind it. "Pinkie Pie! Are you... are you okay? Is everything alright in there? You've been here for like, half an hour, and... Oh my sweet Celestia! Look at what you've done, Pinkie! There's water everywhere! What in Equestria were you thinking?"
Tuning out his mindless rambling, and waving a dismissive hoof at him, I start lathering my mane with cotton candy flavored shampoo. One of a kind, made by Princess Celestia herself. Admittedly, she creates it out of whatever leftovers remain of the ten pounds of cotton candy she orders from me every Sunday, but still, it's so nice of her to keep a little bit for me, and make it into this super-duper awesome shampoo! And it's not like anypony has ever found out about my... about our little scheme.
To most of them, I was really Discord's hidden, estranged daughter. And my mane and tail were made of real cotton candy, which I needed to replace on a daily basis.
Silly ponies.
The thought of it always makes me smile. I like Discord, he's a nice fella and all, but he's nowhere near chaotic enough. Sometimes, I just can't help but cringe as the self-proclaimed God of Chaos stands there, completely oblivious with a confused look on his mismatched face, as I proceed to wiggle my flank a little more than necessary, or say something really funny that is certain to entertain the thousands of ape-like creatures watching us from behind that fourth wall thing, as they call it. This thing is so strange... it's not always there and it constantly moves around.
I still remember that day where my friends and I were on our way back to the castle, to try and stop Twilight Sparkle's Big Brother Best Friend Forever from marrying a demented, love-starved insect-pony hybrid thingy, and we stopped right in front of the giant doors as I ignored the hundreds of changelings buzzing around, instead deciding it was the perfect time for a little motivational speech.
I rambled for nearly ten minutes about how while it was dangerous to simply go back in, not getting back in would kill us all. I then proceeded to explain them how on that day, at the edge of our hope, and at the end of our time, we would still face the monsters at our door, and bring the fight to them. I proudly finished by assuring everypony that this was the day we would cancel the apocalypse, before throwing a victorious forehoof into the air as dramatic music intensified, my black helmet stuck to my other forehoof.
As it turned out, not only were we staring the wrong way, but the Queen's taunting coupled to the soon to be wed royal couple's incessant whining was all too loud for anyone to hear us anyway. On top of it all, the fourth wall had decided to move back inside the castle, as if it had a mind of its own. Which I'm really starting to believe it does.
I was really sad for like, eight and a half seconds. After all, this was easily one of my best performances, and it was really tiring to come up with something that didn't even exist yet, and would not for another year or so. And the poor hooman things didn't even get to see it...
Sure, I failed, but what would have Discord done? Probably, he would have just lied down on an umbrella with a chaise longue above his head, put straws in his eyes and drank a cocktail from a pair of sunglasses, while randomly snapping his fingers to make everypony believe he was actually doing something other than chilling. He's almost as lazy as a hooman.
I let out a deep sigh as I finish rinsing my mane. Really, why would anypony think Discord and I have anything in common? I mean, besides our fine tastes in chocolate milk and creamy, creamy frosting, of course.
Calmly trotting out of the shower, I somehow manage to trip and fall flat on my face.
"SHIT!" I scream almost instinctively, and the pain instantly starts to recede before I can even feel it. This is awesome! I'm so gonna have to tell all my friends about the magic of swearing! Jumping onto my bed and grabbing a chocolate cupcake from inside my pillow, I slowly bring it to my mouth as I think about him...
Him.
I see so many of these strange creatures behind the fourth wall, somehow most of them are neatly lined up, and watching our every move. Some of them even make weird, funny-looking things with their no-no place, which always made me chuckle. They look so silly.
But I could never interact with them directly, so they could never be my friends... That was, until Twilight botched a spell, much to anypony's surprise but mine. Seriously, she cannot into magic unless it's plot-convenient, as one particularly fat hooman with a mane around his neck put it once. As a result of her failure, one of these tall ape-like creatures calling themselves hoomans was transported here. He kept saying he had no name, but I knew better. I think he only ever told his name to Princess Celestia. The rest of the townsponies like to call him Anonymous.
Silly town.
But anyway, he's way too important to be called. A simple name won't do him justice. I've taken a liking to him since the first time we met, and his reluctance to be around me only served to fuel my desire to win him over. And in time, I will. You can't run from Pinkie Pie... Although I may have to consider changing my strategy.
Biting onto my cupcake maybe a little too eagerly, my teeth graze the sensitive skin below my hoof, and instead of stifling a small yelp, I decide to scream out, "GODDAMN!".
Feeling relief wash all over me, I smile and take another bite, though a little slower this time. Of course, I could just swallow the entire thing at once, but that's no fun. Honestly, that's one of the countless reasons why I love this hooman fella. He's so fascinating and he has all sorts of strange ancient hooman traditions, such as using bad words in every sentence for the hell of it... It's silly, with just the right balance of sense and chaos. Something I mastered a long time ago, although nopony quite understands it. I mean, they keep saying bad things about that thing I supposedly defy... What did they call it? Fesics? Phizix? Something like that, and they say I have complete disregard for it... but how could I possibly defy it, if I don't even know what it is?
And today, I made progress with him. Somewhat... So what, he didn't want me around, or even simply see me? ...I still hugged him, and not only did he not push me away, but he also returned it! It has to mean something. Something significant. I'm not sure, I was never good with stallions, and they always all ran away from me... The first and only coltfriend I ever had, well, my parents had never taught me about these things. It was not my fault... How was I supposed to know that decorating his pee-pee with blueberry frosting, ribbons and a party hat would make him freak out when he woke up?
It was like, the funniest thing ever! He called me all kinds of mean names, and swore never to talk to me ever again, muttering something about male pride or something... I never understood stallions. The ponies who say I don't make sense should try understanding a stallion! Rarity always understood them, though... But she doesn't make any sense, either.
I suddenly hear something click in my head. Looking up, I see a floating light bulb above my head. I quickly boop it with my hoof, causing it to explode and shower me in yellow confetti, which by the way is like, my second favorite confetti color, as a large grin creeps onto my face. I quickly scribble a quick note for my employers and landlords, the Cakes, and I happily gallop out of the building, throwing the piece of paper on the ground.
As I burst out of the front door, and into the distance, Carrot Cake attempts to call after me, but I'm well out of hearing range before he can even open his mouth. Reaching into my nose, I pull out my pocket fourth wall, which was conveniently working right now. I watch, bemused, as he notices the note, picks it up and starts reading it.
'Gone to white pone. Heh, I'm rhyming.'
Shaking his head, the Earth stallion keeps reading.
'I won't come home until tomorrow. For tonight is time for hot monkey dick.'
I wasn't sure myself about the choice of words, but it sounded silly so I decided to write it anyway. I grin as Carrot recoils at the sight of what he probably considers too silly for his liking, and hits his head against the counter. Screaming in pain, he attempts to rub it with a hoof when he catches a glimpse of the back of the note. Ah, finally! He wasn't going to ignore that now, was he? On the back of the paper, is written: 'say this out loud!', followed by a bunch of bad words Mrs. Cake always seemed to mutter under her breath after an argument. I smile as the poor pony takes the first step towards understanding the healing powers of swearing.
"Fucking useless, stupid ass orange-maned faggot, cuckold piece of..." the yellow pony stops mid-sentence, his realization of the quickly subsiding pain taking precedence over the harsh truth written on the note. Giving it a half-assed glance, mostly in disbelief, he shrugs it off, probably remembering that after all, it came from me. I mean, as much as I would like to explain everypony things about me, I know they wouldn't understand. Even I don't understand how I work. That's why I love it so much.
About a half hour later, I'm met with quite some resistance from the pony I initially thought I needed to see.
"Darling, why in the wide, wide world of Equestria would you want to know such a thing? Besides, it would be most uncouth to simply, bluntly ask a stallion such a private question, don't you think?" the white fashionsta asks, seemingly trying to imply that maybe, I didn't think my plan through.
Frpwning at her, I start considering that maybe, I indeed didn't think it through... Nah, I did. I always think things through. And I know for a fact that most hoomans have no problem talking about various things the vast majority of ponykind would consider being taboo... But Rarity doesn't seem to be aware of that. Instead, she starts using those fancy words that make her sound funny.
"I believe that such a gentlecolt with an extensive knowledge of exotic clothing should be courted properly, without having to resort to such... lewd methods. Pinkie Pie, dear, you must be careful."
"Silly, I told you! He doesn't like me, so according to what you told me, if I put on that thing, and those things here, uh, what are they called again? Ponies don't even have what should go in these anyway! Silly hoomans. Anyway, if I have some of these, he will look at me, and he will be interested, and he will have to answer me when I ask him about his-" I'm cut off as a white hoof is jammed into my mouth, while its owner sighs in an overly dramatic fashion. Heh, fashion. Oh Pinkie Pie, you-, I mean, I, I am so funny!  
Anyway, Rarity should have become an actress.
Giggling to myself, I give her hoof a quick lick, forcing her to quickly withdraw it before shrieking. "PINKIE! What was that for?"
Simply staring at her with a large grin plastered on my face, I ready myself to go through the lengthy process of explaining her once again what Pinkie is here to do, but apparently her question was a rhetorical one as she goes on without even pestering me for an answer, as she usually would. "Argh, you are simply insufferable today, darling. Just cross your hooves and hope Anonymous has the same barbaric tastes and attitude as you."
I wince at her mean words, and slap her hoof away. "Don't call him that!"
She recoils a bit, a confused look on her face. "But, that is his name, I believe..."
I frown and scowl at her. "No, he has no name. And that doesn't give you the right to call him a name that isn't his. And since he has none, you can't call him anything." I simply say, matter-of-factly.
"Pinkie, what has gotten into you? You aren't even making any sense, dear."
"Only I have the right to call him. Got that? You... you white, strange-things-I-don't-even-know-the-names-or-purpose-of making, horned unicorn!" I put my muzzle right into her face, and stare her down with impossibly wide eyes. Before she can answer, or even react, I'm outside with what she recommended me not to get under any circumstance. Heh, 'horned unicorn', that was great. Still galloping at full speed, I take a small piece of paper out of my mane and write it down, before stuffing it back in. Now, my plan is slowly shaping... and it's gonna work.
It has to work.
[Anon's P.O.V.]
And once again, I'm stirred out of my work by a grunt... Cursing under my breath, I get up and walk up to the window, only to see a pink blur. Oh God, she's back... Where to hide? Where to go?
Unable to think of a safe, Pinkie-proof haven to grant my restless soul eternal protection from her evil pinkness, I freeze as my doorbell rings. Staring at the door like a moron, I hear annoyed grunting on the other side. Eventually, I lethargically walk up to it and open it slowly, only to be greeted by an eyeful of pink.
She's not smiling. She's not frowning. She's wearing that same, near perfect poker face she had on earlier today. What the hell is wrong with this mare?
"Oh, hey..." she starts, before quickly looking left and right, before whispering, "Nonny." A faint smile finds its way onto my face. I always liked her little 'pet name' for me, even if her using it infuriated me to no end, the name itself was amusing, and kinda... cute? Anyway, no one, and nopony should ever find out that my name is actually Anonymous. I mean, just imagine the shitstorm... Suddenly realizing what felt wrong about this situation, I shake my head and stare at the bubbly mare standing in front of me.
"Pinkie, what do you want? And did you really ring at my door, instead of squeezing yourself into a magical jar, and have Derpy slip you through the mailslot or something?" I ask, bewildered, to which she answers by nodding energetically, making my smile widen. Pinkie Pie behaving somewhat normally is definitely a sight to behold. She takes a deep breath, and as I try to brace myself for the impending verbal hosing, I'm surprised when she starts talking normally, both in pace and volume.
"I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with me tonight." she simply blurts out, her poker face still holding strong. I scratch my balls in disbelief, somewhat hoping that this would prompt her to throw me her twenty-sixth 'scratch your balls in disbelief' party, thus making her forget about whatever the fuck she was trying to do... But then, while disbelief has always been my (the?) number one reaction to all things Pinkie, there are honestly not many things left that would truly surprise me coming from her.
I would have had expected her to draw her party cannon on me, and ask me angrily if Princess Celestia looked like a bitch. Yeah, that wouldn't have surprised me in the slightest.
I would have had expected her to tell me that thirty-five years from now, I reprogrammed her to be my protector here, in this time... That could even have explained an awful lot of things, in fact.
Hell, maybe I would even have had expected her, in a more obscure fashion, to have me pinning her to the ground after a violent fistfight, before reaching for an invisible pocket on her chest and somehow producing a small glass ball full of green frosting, which she would then have proceeded to stuff into my mouth, rupturing it with a violent punch to the jaw, before screaming 'EAT THAT, YOU FUCK! (http://youtu.be/BdftooBcVpg?t=4s)' in a deep, throaty voice.
But never in an entire lifetime would I have expected her to... what did she even just do? Did she ask me out on a date? Holy shit... Realizing that it's been nearly five minutes, yet I'm still blankly staring into the nothingness with my jaw hanging and saliva dripping down my chin, she gets up in my face.
"Are you alright?" she asks, a worried expression on her face.
I snap out of it, and look at her. Straight into her eyes. Her eyes. Large, bright blue pools of wonder. They're so blue, and so bright, and so... large? I had never really taken the time to look at them, or at her, really, but... She has gorgeous eyes. Her face is warm, cute and bubbly, sporting the typical cuteness factor of a young, chubby kid, but without the whole 'if this looks anything beyond cute to you, you're a fucking pedo' thing. Her mane is poofy, bright, curly, and really, really poofy. Yes, I said it already but goddamn, that shit is poofy.
And her body is... Wait, am I really checking a pony out? Pinkie Goddamn Pie, the Sugary Threat herself, of all ponies? I shake my head and give her a heartfelt smile. I'm gonna regret this, aren't I?
"Yes, Pinkie. I'm alright. And yes, I think I would like to have dinner with you tonight."
I'm not quite sure what's going on, but one thing I'm sure of, is that I'm liking this new Pinkie. I always trusted my gut feelings, and right now they're telling me something along the lines of 'dis gun b good dot GIF'. And if it all comes down to worst, being mugged or raped by a pink physics-defying pony in a half cartoon-ish, half nightmare-ish pastel land, far from home and all my loved ones... well, t would still be better than trying to come up with a fitting illustration for an article such as the one that's been giving me a fucking headache since this morning. Now seriously, how does one go about drawing something relevant to that shit?
I still remember the story. Hell, I was there when the little orange pegasus filly reappeared into town. She had been gone for a full three days, apparently having been hypnotized by a mythical creature called a cockatrice or something, which according to the filly, kept taunting her by repeating that it was 'her father', and asking her to join the 'chicken side of the Force'. Poor kid has been in therapy ever since.
Weird shit, but I have no goddamn clue how the hell I could possibly illustrate that. I mean, what if I just drew a bucket of KFC, along with a highly racist and offending pun, since no one in Equestria can possible understand it? I mean, they won't scowl me for something they don't understand. But then again, it's pointless if they don't get it.
"Nonny? Are you alright? You're starting to scare me..." as the plesant, normal voice of Pinkie reaches my ears, I realize that once again, I've been stuck staring blankly at a nearby wall for several minutes. "Is something on your mind? Is it because of me? I'm sorry if it is..."
Shaking my head, I ruffle her mane with a hand and smile. "Nah Pinks, it's just that stupid thing I have to do, for work, you know... I just can't find a proper way to illustrate that. You remember, that little filly who disappeared last week?" I ask, half expecting her to go on a five minutes verbal rampage about chickens, parties and how orange frosting will forever remind her of the Force, but instead she simply jumps on the table and darts her eyes across the blank paper I've been desperately trying to fill with ink for nearly seven hours now.
She then spots the article, and starts reading. "Huh-uh, interesting." she says, shaking her head before reading the rest. "I see." she simply states before turning the page, as if there were something else written on the back. She turns it again cocks her head to the side. "That makes sense." Arriving near the end of the text, she adopts a confused, thoughtful expression. "Not much of a surprise there... WHAAAAAAT?"
Her scream nearly makes me feel backwards, and off my chair. Noticing my discomfort at her sudden outburst, she smiles sheepishly and starts talking in a serious tone. "Well, you could draw something like, the little filly has a bruised face, a severed hoof, and she's hanging onto a metal pole over an endless void, and then she would scream that the cockatrice killed her father, but in the end the cockatrice would be-"
I stop her, dread overpowering me once again. "Pinkie... Fucking hell, Pinkie. I'm not even gonna ask you how the fuck you can know about such a thing, but anyway I'm not drawing that. It' not a comic book, I need something simple, yet professional and... formal. That's probably the most important. And that's also what tends to make the job boring, sadly."
She seems to think about it for a while, before adorning her trademark smile once again. "Hm, then why doesn't the cockatrice wear a black mask, which would make it sound hoarse, like it had respiratory problems? But in fact, it would have been badly burned when it was younger, and then, the filly would-"
"PINKIE, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK! STOP THIS!"
"What?" she asks in genuine concern, looking at me incredulously. "I'm just trying to help, you know."
"I know, look, maybe you're telling the truth, and you are merely trying to help, but I'm sorry, I am not readily willing to simply accept and go along with the fact you can just take a peek into another dimension. Much less to the point you can accurately and in detail describe a scene from a movie... it just scares me, alright? You scare me, Pinkie Pie. I am genuinely scared by a three feet tall pink pony with balloons tattooed on her butt. I'm sorry for sounding like a little pussy, but I mean, goddamn."
She puts a hoof on my shoulder and gives me a warm, apologetic smile. "Maybe the filly should wear the mask herself, then? Because if she were smart, then she would have a way to defend herself from the cockatrice, right? And that mask is like, so black and thick, she wouldn't be able to see, so she couldn't get hypnotized then, right? And then, all ponies would be like, oh my gosh that's a great idea! And they would all buy thick black masks for their foals, and then thick black masks salesponies would make other mask stores go bankrupt, and everypony would live happily ever after! Except capitalists, you know, because greed is a bad thing."
Letting it all sink in, I raise an eyebrow at her. She's sporting the largest smile I ever saw, and she's looking at me insistently. "Uh... Alright, I'll admit, that makes surprising sense, at least compared to, uh... the rest. Still, it's better than just about everything I could come up with until now, so... I guess I'm gonna give this a shot. Heh, I can always tell them it's a human thing. Man, I love that wild card."
She's still looking at me, her lips puckered and her face dangerously close to mine. What the fuck? "Pinkie, what the fuck?"
"Huuuuuuman. So, that's how you pronounce hooman. Hu-man. Interesting." she says innocently, as I let out a breath I didn't even realize I was holding.
What the hell is wrong with me? Did I really think she was gonna try and kiss me?
The pink mare jumps off the table, and starts walking towards the door. "So, seven o'clock, at the Golden Hawks?"
I raise an eyebrow in surprise, then raise the other, and then the first one again, and I repeat until neither can be raised any higher, and I look at Pinkie, my face smilar to that of a blind stoned psychopath with down syndrome and facial paralysis. The party pony is unimpressed, her smile not faltering.
"The Golden Hawks? That griffon restaurant in Canterlot?" I ask incredulously. I've been there once, and it's definitely not a place for ponies.
"Yup, this one." she says enthusiastically.
"But... why?" I ask, genuinely confused about her... Choice? Suggestion? Whatever.
"Well, so you can put these canines to work, silly! I know you can't eat hay, flowers, grass and all, and frankly it makes me a little sad, because they're so super-duper-delicious, but then you hooman things are different, and what kind of a friend would I be if I didn't do everything I could to help you feel a little more at home? So you can eat meat, and frighten other ponies by showing off your teeth, and then maybe we would have had a little too much to drink, and we would roam around in the streets at night, and we would play pranks on stuck-up, upper class ponies, because their lives are so boring, and it's my job as Equestria's number one pink party pony to bring smiles to their faces, and then maybe we could go back to your place, and we would start working on a novelization of that article about Scootaloo's kidnapping by that cockatrice, and we would call it Star Wars, because it sounds silly, and then there would be a hairy hooman called George, or maybe Lucas, and he would turn it into something evil and boring, and ruin the whole thing that had been cherished by everypony since over twenty years!"
Honestly? I'm not even listening. I think I lost track somewhere around 'you hooman things'. I know she means no harm, and I'm not even annoyed by her rambling anymore, but I just don't have the physical capability to keep up with her when she starts talking at such speeds.
When she finally stops and looks at me expectantly, I simply shrug and smile. "Yes, Pinkie. I don't know what the hell you just rambled about, but I would like to have some meat, it's been a while. And sure, we can have some drinks, and play pranks on snob ass unicorns, and whatever else you want to do. I hardly ever get out aside from work, and this will be good for me I guess. I'll be there at seven, sharp."
She closes her eyes happily and trots back to the door, opening it before bouncing away. As I start getting up to close it, a stray strand of pink hair pops back into the door frame, wrapping around the handle and slamming it shut. I stand there, bewildered by everything that just happened, and deeply frightened by the thought of having to deal with a tipsy, or even drunk Pinkie Pie.
Oh God.  
What in the name of fuck have I gotten myself into?
[Pink Party P.O.V.ny]
Not even bothering to apologize for such an horrendous pun, I enter Sugarcube Corner through the back door and shoot quick glances around, making sure the Cakes are busy before stealthily making my way up the stairs, and into my room. After all, I'm not gonna need those strange clothing items... not when I can simply get him drunk.
Oh Pinkie, you're such a crafty, sneaky little mare.
Yes, Pinkie, I am.
Discarding the frilly fabric into a drawer, I decide to style my mane. After all, those poofy curls aren't so natural... well, they are, but sometimes I gotta give them a little boost.
After taking a giant balloon from a box under my bed, I blow into it until it's fit to burst. Stabbing it with a sharp knife, the five feet wide stretched ball of rubber violently explodes in my face, sending me fly backwards, my head hitting the wall with a cartoon-ish 'thud!'. Once my body has gently slid back down to the ground, I get up and trot back in front of the mirror. After picking up the small pieces of rubber off my pink mane, I flash myself a large smile. This is just a perfect coiffure! At least, I'm pretty sure that's how Rarity would put it. Would she even know what a decent manecut is like? Hers is so unnatural and boring.
Gathering a few things here and there for tonight, I start thinking about it. Maybe that wasn't such a smooth, well thought out plan... Oh well, a mare's gotta do what a mare's gotta do, right? I just hope that big dumb meanie Gilda isn't here tonight. That would be like, totally not cool at all.  
Or maybe it would be... Heh, I can imagine Nonny insulting and fighting a mean griffon...  
Oh, I really hope she'll be here! I also hope they have enough alcohol to get a hooman drunk... After all, he's so much bigger than a pony. Hm, I wonder how much it would take to get Iron Will drunk. Then maybe I could hook him up with Fluttershy! So she would take care of him, and... oh Pinkie, you silly mare. It's time to go now.
[Hooman P.O.V.]
I arrive at the train station a little early. Three quarters past five... The train ride to Canterlot takes about forty minutes, and the walk to the restaurant itself takes about ten. Unlike on Earth, trains here are almot always right on time, so there's no need to arrive early just in case, but still, I don't want to take chances in case there are no trains until well after six, when I'll be officially late. Tardy, as the lavender stalker puts it. Heh, it's a miracle she's not on this whole thing... unless... oh shit, what if she's actually the one behind it all?  
I curse the name~
I'm cut off by the loud whistling of the Friendship Express appearing in the distance. I still can't get used to how cartoon-ish everything looks and sounds here, it's like Equestria was literally designed for a cartoon... heh, what am I thinking now? Pinkie must be rubbing off on me or something.
Sitting into the train car, my eyes wander on the many ponies glancing at me in a mix of confusion and interest. Yeah, that's one major difference with actual people, ponies aren't scared of new, different things. They're more curious than anything else, unless something feels outright threatening... or unless Pinkie goes and spreads a rumor.  
Poor Zecora...
But in the end, most ponies, if not all, are far more eager to learn things about me and human culture in general, especially technology, than to try and get my ass back to where they believe it belongs. Life is pretty good, in fact.
As the train slowly starts making its way up the side of the hill leading to Canterlot, I can't help but think about Pinkie Pie. I had never, ever saw her acting like that. Is she hiding something? Did she finally snap? Did she go into rehab, and every single trace of sugar has finally left the syrup she calls her bloodstream? I always hated her, or at least her attitude, but now that she went and showed me a new aspect of her personality... I think I'm starting to like her. Meh, what am I even thinking. This, and the dinner... surely, she's playing some sort of elaborate prank on me, and she'll be back to her insufferable, hyper ADHD-ridden ass self by tomorrow. If not by tonight...  
It has to be that.
Trying to brush those thoughts aside, I hang my head out of the window, looking at the pastel scenery moving horizontally in front of my eyes. The trains here aren't exactly fast, but it sure beats walking. Especially for a lazy bastard like I've always been. Watching as the shrubs turn into meadows, and into dark tunnels carved into the side of the mountain Canterlot rests upon, my thoughts are once again hijacked by the pink bundle of energy. Heh, did I just refer to her without animosity?
Everything she ever said and did since I met her... did I really think she was going to kiss me earlier today? But then, it's impossible to read that mare. There's something unnerving, if not downright freaky about her attitude and bubbly personality. Did she ever do anything that could hint at her possibly liking me? Do I even like her? If only she could stay calm like that for more than a few minutes, maybe... maybe I'd consider... heh, it's not like I'm getting back home anytime soon, anyway. I've been cast away in this weird pastel world, stuck in the middle of a strange matriarchal society, mainly consisting of three feet tall colorful ponies.  
I'm not sure if I can even like a pony in that way, but the lack of human interaction, especially female, is starting to take its toll on me. Several years on Earth prior to my arrival here, and a few months here already... Solitude is quickly turning into loneliness.
No man should have to go through such dark times. Only the sweet embrace of death will ever allow me to escape this evil. I have so many questions that will be left forever unanswered... especially the one that just came up in my mind. Why am I being such a little emo bitch? And one thing leading to another, why did seeing Pinkie acting differently do such a number on me? She's always been the specialist of mindfuck, but this was new. And what's that sound, trying to force its way into my ears, and stir me out of my reverie?
Shaking my head, I realize that music is coming from the speakers installed in the train car. I know that song... How the hell can ponies play guitar?
Soon, the expected rhythmic, typical soul voice that only Afro-American singers in the seventies could breath such life into, leaves place to a high pitched, familiar female voice.
"I was the first sister of three,
Doing whatever I had to do to party,
I'm not saying that my life was alright,
Trying to get away from the rock farm was a day to day fight."
Blankly staring at the slight ripples forming on the surface of the speakers, I remain immobile and expressionless as every word sinks into my mind, spreading even more confusion than the previous one.
"Been here so long, getting out didn't cross my mind,
I knew there was a better place to live, and I was just going to find,
You don't know what you'll do until you get your cutie mark,
But my hundred and tenth party was a hell of-"
Suddenly, the music stops and static fills my ears. Still humming the rest of the 'song', though with the lyrics I was used to, I eventually realize I'm the only one left in the train car. Already here?  
Damn...
Thankfully, my time in Equestria has taught me to quickly brush off even the weirdest things. At times, it felt like someone was fucking with me. Like if I were in some reality TV show or something, and the authors were taking some sort of sick pleasure in fucking with my mind, over and over again. Still singing the original lyrics, I eventually manage to squeeze myself out of the train, and onto the platform. I'm not particularly fat or anything, and oddly enough most things here are human-sized, but damn, fuck the (very) few things that aren't.
I merrily walk into the city proper, the prospect of my first date in years bringing joy into my heart, even after considering the endless amount of ways in which this can get out of hand and end badly. I pat the red rose neatly tucked in my breast pocket... wait, what?
Trailing my hands down my cheeks, I let out a dramatic sigh that would make Rarity proud. "Discord..."
It has to be him, and I hate that guy. I always did. He's always right. Well, almost always. He isn't quite on Pinkie's level as far as mindfucking is concerned, but he can still put up one hell of a fight before leaving me alone, sulking for the rest of the day. Assuming he's the one who somehow managed to make a rose pop out of nowhere, and make a breast pocket appear on my shirt, before tucking it in, things aren't looking too bright for me...  
Either, and it's the most obvious outcome in my mind, he's in on that prank scheme kind of thing the pink pony is pulling off, and things are not gonna end well at all, or... or things will take a particular turn. A particular turn I'm not sure my body (or my mind) is quite ready for.
That rose is pretty, though. Heh, maybe with a bit of luck, Pinkie won't see it as a romantic gesture, but as a snack... being a pony, and all. I guess I'll keep it.
Soon, I reach the restaurant, and it's just like I remembered it. Not too fancy, but not easily overlooked either. The griffon at the door stares at me, and holy shit he looks so stereotypically French, it almost hurts. Everything about him, from the beret to the moustache...
"Bonsoir, monsieur. Do you 'ave a réservation?"
...to the accent.  
But, shit. Fiddling with my thumbs, I look around in apprehension. Is she already here? Did she get a reservation herself? Which would mean, she had this whole thing planned in advance all along? The last time I came here, there was no need for a reservation. But maybe it's only like that in the evening?
Suddenly, a high pitched voice booms from inside the establishment. "He's with me! He's with me! Let him in, let him in! Hooman comin' through, get away everypony, comin' through!"
I feel a blush coming up as every single creature around stares at me. Goddamn it, Pinkie... The griffon steps aside and bows. "Zis way, monsieur. Please, 'ave a nice evening at ze Golden 'Awks."
"Uh, thanks, you t-... I mean, thanks." I manage to stop stuttering like an idiot, and make my way to Pinkie's reserved table. Did she really reserve that one, far in the back, almost secluded? That's... uncharacteristic of her, to say the least. Did she finally understand that I have a thing for privacy and solitude? ...or is it all part of whatever twisted plan she has in mind for my restless, tormented soul?
Might as well humor her... not like I could do anything against Pinkie Pie anyway. She's not dangerous per se, but trying to reason with her or stand up to her would be downright foolish. Whatever Pinkie wants, Pinkie gets. I walk up to her and decide to act like a true gentleman, for the first time in my life. I pick up the rose and offer it to her, while grabbing her hoof with my other hand, giving it a soft kiss. If she weren't pink to begin wish, I would have sworn she were blushing.
She takes a quick bite of the flower and sits down. "Hm, it'ch good, tchankfs Nfonny."
"You're welcome, Pinks."
She giggles at my nickname for her, and swallows loudly before looking around. "You didn't bring one for yourself?"
"Huh, what? Oh... Yeah, no, you know I can't eat flowers."
"Oh, right. Well, what do you wanna eat? Look at that!" she practically screams, cramming a menu into my face.
Where the hell did she even get it from? Before I can get a proper look at it, she takes it back and starts reading it. Another griffon brings me a menu, which I settle in front of me, my eyes widening in surprise. Nothing too fancy, but did they really have so many foreign 'classics' from home, here in another dimension?
The waiter comes back, a scrawny griffon, looking even more French than the one at the door, and looks at pinkie. "Madame Pie, would you and zis gentlecolt right zere want some wine before starting?"
The pink mare looks at him, and nods, although a bit too enthusiastically in my opinion. I nod too, much more calmly. "Coming right up." the creature says, before gracefully walking away. Way to enforce the gay Frenchman stereotype... Stupid pastel land, I swear.
My 'date' and I start making small talk, and about a minute later, the waiter comes back with a large bottle of red wine, looking fancy as hell. He opens it, his talon / claw thingies giving him surprising dexterity, before clearing his throat.
"Did you choose?"
Pinkie doesn't even wait for him to close his mouth, and starts bouncing on her chair. "Yes, yes! I'm gonna have some hay fries, and a dandelion salad. And a cupcake. No wait, make that two. Or three. Do you have a box of twenty I can bring back home? Sometimes, my friends and I-"
"Pinkie..." I cut her off, clamping her mouth shut with a hand, and I look apologetically at the griffon. "Give her two, and please, excuse her... Anyway, I'm gonna have this, uh..."
Goddamn French words. I'm a proud 'Murican, how the hell am I supposed to pronounce something that isn't an English word? That makes sense, doesn't it?  
Hurr-durr.
Pointing a finger at it on the menu, the griffon nods and smiles. "Entrecôte marchand de vin, huh? Excellent choice, monsieur. I see zat you are a connaisseur."
Heh, he probably means connoisseur. "Yeah I guess you could say that, back where I come from, we have a lot of fancy things like that."
He nods again in understanding, and walks away, this time swaying his rump and tail. I wish I had an 'unsee' button somewhere in my mind... shit.  
I lean back a little in my chair, hoping it doesn't look to 'ungentlemanly' among ponies, and decide it's time to find out what the hell the pink menace is up to. As if she would ever admit being up to anything...
"So, Pinkie... what is all this about? I mean, you start acting all calm and stuff, and now we're having dinner together. What's the meaning of all this?" I ask, trying my best to hide the obvious apprehension in my voice. She stares at me, her eyes boring into mine. I never really appreciated how deep and full of emotions her eyes were before, even allowing said emotions to transpire through her best poker face.
She still hasn't answered, but I don't even care, I'm somehow lost in her blue orbs. How can they be so big, and so shiny? And so... er, did I really find them that adorable?
The sound of a bottle of wine being opened at a nearby table breaks us out of our staring contest. I grab our bottle, and pour some of the dark red liquid in both our glasses, before swirling mine around for a bit. We exchange a smile, and both take a sip. I keep it in my mouth for a few seconds, trying to fully appreciate its taste. Definitely not the finest I ever tasted, but pretty good nonetheless.  
Very dry, just the way I like it.
As for the pink mare sitting across the table, she gulps down three quarters of her glass and slams it down, somehow managing to properly handle a wine glass with hooves. She loudly licks her lips and smacks them together in an exaggerated fashion and making a highly disturbing grimace, something she'd typically do when drooling over particularly creamy frosting. I chuckle at her display of... whatever the hell this even was.
"So, Nonny! Tell me..." she trails off, looking deep into my eyes.
"Hm?" I raise an eyebrow, prompting her to go on.
"Do you ever, you know... feel lonely? I mean, look at you! You spend entire days inside your home, making small thingies on a paper thingy, which is totally awesome by the way, 'cause I'm sure Twilight is glad you had paper on you when you arrived, her reverse-engineering of paper here sure put scrolls to shame, and..." she once again trails off, looking at me sheepishly, before continuining, albeit much more slowly, "and um, yeah, you're always alone, and you don't even have a friend to keep you company."
I look at her, trying to put on my best poker face, and nod. "Hm... yeah. I guess." I say in a somewhat sulking tone.
After all, she's right. As much as I enjoy solitude, it can quickly turn into loneliness. Sometimes I get Twilight Sparkle or Rainbow Dash to visit me, but... Well, the purple unicorn is always trying hard to get me to drop my pants so she can 'study my means of reproduction', as she likes to put it. But still, she's too adorkable, and turning her down by making up weird ass excuses that she, strangely, always seems to believe blindly... yeah, it's always good fun.
And Rainbow Dash, well... the cyan pegasus never really does or says anything, unless it has to do with the two of us competing in something, no matter what, and no matter how stupid. In the end, it makes her pretty boring to be around... Our weekly session at the gym is nice, but if anything, I prefer talking with my spotter, that enormous pegasus with the smallest wings ever. What was his name, again? Bunk Triceps? Something like that... What's with me and my inability to remember pony names, anyway? Sure, they're weird compared to human names, but I remember far weirder things just fine... Maybe I should consider hanging out with him. He probably doesn't fly a lot, so we could do stuff together. Maybe.
Or, maybe I should try to have a drinking contest with Rainbow Dash. I would not only drink her under the table, but if she tries to keep up... yeah, no, nevermind that. After all, it might not be such a good idea to be responsible for putting an Element of Harmony into a coma, no matter how well deserved it would be.
I take another sip of my wine, and allow my eyes to wander on Pinkie's curvy body. I have no idea what defines 'sexiness', or even general physical attractiveness for ponies, but Pinkie is definitely cute. Not necessarily attractive, but she has that bubbly, lively, chubby kind of thing going on, that I would most definitely go for if she were a human girl.
"Yeah. I definitely do get lonely at times... It's not that bad, though. It allows me to focus, and think..." damn, maybe it's the wine on an empty stomach, but I'm suddenly feeling a bit of homesickness creeping into my heart.
"Say Nonny, how was it for you back home?"
Aw man, that fucking question... I don't even wanna start thinking about how I could answer that. "Pinkie, if you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about that..."  
I give her an apologetic smile, which she returns with one of her trademark, wider-than-what-should-be-possible Pinkie Pie smiles.
"Okie dokie."  
Her smile doesn't falter, even as she downs her second glass in a single gulp. Shit... Well, I guess tonight is the night I find out if what they say is really true.  
Is drunk pony really best pony?
Our meals arrive, and we both start digging in without a word, like two feral motherfuckers who didn't have anything to eat in a week. We both eat fast, loudly, messily, and in general in ways that would make Rarity throw up before fainting on her drama couch.
As if on cue, Pinkie chimes in. "Hey, what do you think about Rarity?"
I swallow the food I currently have in my mouth, and give her a confused look. "What do you mean?"
She stuffs yet another hooffull of fries in her gaping maw and swallows loudly, without even chewing. "You know, silly! In general, as a mare..."
"Well, uh... you know, we're business partners. Yeah, I guess that's what you could call us. We never really got to know one another too well."
She swallows another mouthful. "Oh right, you were the wacko who came up with that strange, frilly fabric thing. What does she call it again? Lynchery?"
I chuckle and wipe my lips with my napkin. "Lingerie."
"Yeah, that! What is it for, anyway?" she asks with her bottomless enthusiasm, and I find myself slowly losing the mental strength needed to put up with that kind of questions for much longer. That kind of questions I can't really answer normally, at least not without going into details I'd rather not tell anypony about, much less that demonic, fuzzy, hyperactive bundle of... pink.
"It's for, uh... fun."
"Fun? Oh tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me! I love fun! I'm the funnest fun pony around! I love fun please tell me please tell me tell me tell me-" she manages to cut herself off with another mouthful, and I roll my eyes at my awfully poor choice of words.
"Pinkie, I'm pretty sure it's 'funniest', and uh, it's not that kind of fun. It's more like, for special someponies, and all. You know?"
She stops chewing suddenly, and a half fry hangs from her lower jaw, before snapping and falling into her wine, which she proceeds to down faster than what should be possible, along with the fry. "Oooooooh! Say, say, do you have a special somepony? Who is it? Who is it, who is it? Ooooh, is it me?"
I freeze and look at her, barely managing to swallow instead of outright choking on my food. My facial expression must be somewhere in between 'what did you say, bitch nigga?' and 'aw, hell naw, boi'.
"No, Pinks. I don't have a special somepony... and you know it. Not yet, at least, I mean, I haven't really thought about it, you know, what with ponies being so different where I'm from and all... Since us humans are the only sentient species, that makes interspecies relationships highly frowned upon, if not downright illegal."
She scrunches her face in confusion. Holy shit that's not fair, scrunchy face is cutest face. "So... that means you're not attracted to ponies?" she asks, her smile dropping as she takes a sip of her... third or fourth wine glass? I kinda lost count, with the speed at which she does everything...
"I don't know. As I said, I never really thought about it. I never really considered any of you guys-, er, girls, as potential... love interests. I've only been here for like, what? Three months? Hell, back home I was without a special someone for several years. But still, trying to adapt to having been thrown into a different dimension straight outta the mind of a six year old girl kinda took precedence over trying to find which new species I would be able to stick my dick into." I say with a chuckle, kinda expecting her to frown, or even retch in disgust at how I managed to put that, but instead she starts giggling wildy.
"You said, hihi, y-you said, YOU SAID DICK! HA-HAHAHA!"
She starts laughing uncontrollably, and suddenly I realize that I'm gonna have to deal with pure, unaltered evil on a biblical scale... a drunken Pinkie Pie who is apparently trying to hit on me.  
May whatever Gods ponies believe in have mercy on my damned soul.
As I run that thought through my head, I catch a glimpse of a flowing, ethereal mane in the corner of my eye. Jerking my head towards it as fast as physically possible, probably having given myself whiplash for the next few days to come in the process, I see the Princess of the Sun giving a warm smile. She mouths something that looks disturbingly like 'mercy is for the weak, give her hot monkey dick', but I brush it off. After all, I've never been any good at lip-reading, much less with pony mouths.
"What are you looking at, Nonny?" she asks, apparently having managed to calm her laughter down.
I shake my head, assuming that got me rid of the stupid expression plastered on my face, and look at her uneasily. "Uh, nothing, I guess? I'm not sure..." I trail off, looking back at... well, where I thought I saw Celestia. Where the fuck did she go?
"I think I saw something from that fourth wall thing you keep ranting about, though it could have simply been a figment of my imagination... heh."
She leans forward and knocks her empty glass over, getting as close to me as she can. "Ooooh! Really? What did the princess tell you? Are you gonna listen to her, and do it?"
I spit a half-chewed piece of meat in my full glass, and cough into my napkin. "WHAT? WHAT THE... Pinkie! How in the hell did you... ah, goddamnit... You know what, fuck it. Nevermind." Remembering how futile it was to try and understand the Pinkie ways, I instead decide to baptise a new cocktail, downing my glass along with the meat.
I pour myself another, and decide against making a move to stop my 'date' from pouring herself what I estimate to be her sixth. Just how big are these bottles already?
Three pounds of food and two liters of wine later, we both lean into our chairs as far back as we can, and pat our stretched bellies. Heh, Pinkie is sitting like that weird mint unicorn mare who always asks me to scratch her behind the ears. What's her name? Laura? Lara? Something like that...  
I'm a little more than 'tipsy', but definitely not drunk.
Pinkie, on the other hand... she won't stop giggling, and although that's not really different from her usual self, it sure contrasts with how she has been behaving earlier today. And she's making even less sense than usual, if that's even possible... and I find myself deeply frightened when I realize that sadly, yes, it is possible.
"Hey *hic* Nossy, did you know that Princess Lana, she has a moon on her *hic* flank?" she asks, apparently expecting her 'question' to spark interest in me or someting.
"It's Nonny, and it's Luna, and yes I knew that, it's her damn cutie mark, Pinkie. Just like you have balloons on your butt." I answer flatly.
"Oh, I *hic* do?" she starts spinning on her chair, trying to get a good look at her butt, but only ends up falling off and faceplanting against the hard ground. As she scrambles back onto her hooves, the waiter comes around and glances at the pink mare's display of... once again, whatever the hell it is she's doing. I'm not even gonna try to understand a drunken Pinkie. I'm too young to die from a fried brain.
"Do you want a café?"
Want a café? You fucking what? Oh... he probably means coffee. Doesn't café mean coffee, anyway? Damn French language. How the hell does it even exist in Equestria? Holy shit now I wanna meet foreign ponies. A cute little mare with a Japanese accent or something... heh.
"Yes, please, we're in dire need of coffee. Extra strong."
"Very well, monsieur. May I propose you some eau-de-vie to finish zis fine meal?" he asks with a shit-eating grin, and before I can answer, Pinkie is standing on the table, and nodding so violently, I actually fear her mane might detach itself and fall off her head. I shoot the waiter an angry and annoyed glare.
"You just don't know when to fucking stop, do you?"
"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I am not follo'ing you?" he says sarcastically, with a fake smile I'd like to wipe off his face with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.
"Yeah, yeah. Can't you see she's drunk off her ass already? You're not the poor motherfucker who's gonna have to bring her home, hopefully without having to carry her all the way, while avoiding projectile vomit... You really think proposing her yet more booze is the way to go about that shit? C'mon, man."
He recoils a bit, and his fake smile turns into a sheepish one. "I am mèrely doing my job. Besides..." he leans towards me and whispers into my ear. "I am 'elping monsieur getting laid, aren't I?"
I deadpan and grab him by a wing, squeezing it hard. "Yeah, maybe you are. Now, you do know that we humans are pretty fond of griffon meat, right? Matter of fact, I myself have a sweet tooth for those wings of yours. I could go for a wing sandwich right about now. 'Marchand de vin' style, was that it?" I let go off him, and he scurries away with his tail literally between his legs. Letting out a small chuckle, I look at Pinkie, and silently thank whatever I'm stupid enough to believe in at this very moment, that she is way too wasted to have paid any attention to what just happened.
"Hey Pinkie?"
"Sheeeea, Noooonny? Wassup, negro? Wasspoppin' mah boi?"
Holy shit, she's gone. "Uh, I was wondering, if you wanted to, uh... like, go back to my place and maybe... watch a movie or something?" It might be a good idea to watch over her until she sobers up a little bit... I mean, being responsible for letting Pinkie Pie roam freely in town, in her current state? I'd most likely end up like Discord a few months earlier, encased in stone or something.
"Shiiiieeeet! Das dank idea, mayne!"
Is she actually trying to fake an extreme ghetto accent, or just being her nonsensical, drunken self? "Pinkie, why are you... why are you speaking like that?"
"Watchu mean?" she 'asks', accidentally knocking her empty glass over. She looks at the shattered glass on the floor and lazily shrugs. "Dayyyyum! Da struggle is reeeeeel, doe!"
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to look as serious as possible, although I have to stifle a laugh. "Pinkie Pie. You know perfectly what I mean, and while I am sure that the struggle is indeed very real, that was still not an answer."
Her face seems to straighten a bit, and she shrugs again. How the hell do ponies even shrug? "Zecora's ex-coltfriend used to talk like that. He once went to a 'welcome back to da 'hood' party I threw, and I thought he was funny... I'm sorry." she drops her head, looking like she's on the verge of tears.  
Fucking hell, I am not in the mood for such hardcore amounts of shit.
"Here, Pinks. Drink some coffee, it'll straighten your shit up."
I hope she doesn't try to literally poop, and see if whatever comes out is straighter than usual... Thanks fuck, she doesn't even appear to have heard me. Instead, she looks up as the waiter hastily puts down both cups of coffee, before scurrying away once again. I take a sip of mine, and damn, it feels good. I just hope it will lessen the effects of alcohol a little bit, at least until her body has started processing some of it... I drank much more than her in the end, but I'm also much larger, heavier, a male and I used to drink pretty heavily back on Earth. I wouldn't be fit to drive home, but I have decent control of my body, and my senses don't seem to be numb. My judgement doesn't seem to be impeded either, nor does my speech sound slurred.  
At least I don't think it does.
After we have both finished our cups, I get up and walk towards the counter, about to pay the bill but the waiter stops me, and looks up at me with fear in his eyes.
"Please, monsieur! Do not eat any of us, I implore your mercy!"
I look at him and raise an eyebrow so high, I must look like Dwayne Johnson or something. And in my semi-drunken stupor, an idea hits me. I smirk and grab his 'arm'. "Alright, but I'm not paying. Both Pinkie Pie and I just ate here for free. In exchange, I won't eat you. At least not right now. Deal?"
I chuckle as the fear-struck eagle-lion hybrid creature pathetically extends a front limb, which I shake energetically. I lead the inebriated pony out of the building, closely following her. She has trouble walking in a straight line, and keeps threatening to topple over on her side. Somewhat pained by such a pathetic sight, I wrap an arm around her belly and lift her up, carrying her into my arms. How can these ponies be so light? She weighs like, maybe sixty pounds? Seventy tops... That, or gravity is lower in Equestria. That would actually explain how pegasi can fly so easily, and how ponies can bounce and do random stuff in cartoon-ish ways.  
But then, maybe I can, too?
Oh well, at least her loving, almost longing gaze makes me feel a little warmer than I should have been feeling, wearing nothing but a simple shirt in the middle of a relatively cold fall evening. Eventually she decides to gather her strength, and wraps a forehoof around my neck, using her newly gained leverage to plant a soft kiss on my jawline.
Blushing, and with cheeks starting to heat up like crazy, I still manage to walk in a (mostly) straight line, all the way to the train station. As disturbing as it was for me to admit it, I actually enjoyed her kissing me. I'm not sure if it was her, or the general feeling of a female being kissing me, but it felt so warm, so soft, and so... sensual? Nah, fuck this, it's the alcohol talking. Now in the cold of the night, I'm feeling the effects far more than before, and... Goddamn, even my drunken self doesn't seem to want to believe such a piss poor excuse.
But why did she do it? For her, it was the alcohol talking, that's obvious. I beat her. Her master plan has failed because she drank too much. She nearly had me, but as usual, the glorious human race prevails. She can't get me! Busta.  
Straight busta.
As I sit in the train car, I can't help but smile earnestly at the cute pink pony, gently snoring in my arms, her mane softly brushing against my neck. Regardless of all the shit she pulled on me since I met her, and her Pinkieness overall... I have to admit, I'd cuddle the shit outta that to the end of the night. And beyond.
I'm just gonna bring her back to my place, and lay her down on the couch or something, since she's asleep anyway, there's not much else I can do. And as funny as it sounds in my slightly drunk mind, I'm still not gonna put her in a cardboard box in front of the main entrance to Sugarcube Corner, with a note reading 'send to the glue factory' or something.
I somehow manage to reach home without trouble, and I even accomplish the impossible feat of unlocking my door without dropping Pinkie. Damn, I'm good. Thinking back about it, I'd have definitely parked myself up a tree or something if I had been driving. Blessed be whatever reason is behind the fact Equestria is stuck with middle-age technology in terms of transportation. Maybe not quite middle-age, but... ah, whatever.
After gently laying the drunken pony down on the couch, I plop down onto it myself, and grab the remote, turning the TV on. It felt weird to have such technology, yet Twilight asked me to help her reverse-engineer a piece of paper. A piece of paper, for the sake of fuck!
As I zap through channels, my somewhat good mood starts to falter. This shit is as uninteresting as it gets. Random sitcoms that even Pinkie in her current state would be hard-pressed to smile at, and a couple of pseudo-erotic movies at this hour. But with the way they're filmed, along with the fact ponies are always naked, this wouldn't even warrant a R-rating back on Earth. Unless maybe if screened by the Hypocritical Association of America... Either way, I cannot possibly fap to this. Not that I would want to, anyway... So I opt for idly watching a boring sitcom, trying my best not too cringe everytime a one-liner is delivered by that teenage pony with the thick black eyebrows and even thicker glasses. Thanks fuck for ponies being always naked, because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to tell that she was a mare.  
Or is she?
A few hours later, a hoof nudges me awake. I sit up as fast as my body will allow me to, and I start looking around frantically. "I DIDN'T DO IT! It wasn't me! I swear it wasn't me! I... uh?" I calm down, heavy panting turning into slightly louder than normal breathing, and I rub my sleepy eyes. Right, I was dreaming. In the cold, harsh reality, there's nothing out to get me... I think. I take a quick look at the clock... Two in the morning. Well, I did sleep a couple of hours.
Remembering what happened this evening, I take a look at what woke me up in the first place.
"You alright, Pinks?" I ask, idly petting her mane, not really expecting a proper answer to my mostly rhetorical question. The party mare suddenly jumps to her hooves and presses her muzzle against my face. I try to recoil, but the back of my head is already resting against the couch.
"No! No, I'm not alright! I'll never be alright! I... Why, why won't you like me? I-I'm Pinkie Pie! I'm the partiest, pinkest, poniest pony you'll ever meet! Everypony loves me! I know you don't look much like a pony but, why? I love you! Why don't you love me? At first I thought you were just trying to give me a challenge, but it quickly became frustrating! Nothing I did would ever work! And now it hurts! My tummy hurts because of you! I did everything I could to get you to love me... I threw you a 'hard cider' party for when you puked your guts out in Applejack's hat the first night you arrived here, to properly welcome you! I tried to cheer you up at every opportunity I had! I hugged you! I even remember having kissed you! ...but maybe I dreamed that part? And just for you, I even stole a baby blue latex G-string from Rarity's latest designs, to go with my eyes!"
I raise more eyebrows than I currently have. "What?"
"Look, I... What is it that I am not doing right? Do you hooman creatures have special ways to tell those things to each other? I did everything I could think of, and even more than that, and you still won't be with me!"
I snort loudly, and manage to lower a few eyebrows. "Pinkie, what are you talking about? I didn't even know you wanted to-"
She stops me with a hoof to the chest and presses her muzzle harder against my nose. "You should have known! I did everything just so you would know... I baked you cupcakes with my special Pinkie frosting! I gave you special Pinkie hugs! I even paid Twilight to give me detailed information on your stallion thingy, so I would know best how to make it feel good!"
she wot m8?
I jump to my feet, the drunk pony falling off my lap and hitting her head against the cold wooden floor. "What the fuck?"
Thoughts of Twilight Sparkle drawing a crude sketch of my junk, before lecturing Pinkie about the various ways to properly 'handle' it run through my mind.
Son of a bitch.
And Pinkie Motherfucking Pie is too drunk to even get up from her prone position. I pick her up and look at her solemnly. "Listen Pinks, I never knew about any of that! I just assumed that... oh damn..." I trail off as I see small pools of tears rapidly forming below her eyes. Oh hell no...
I'm in no mental condition to handle this... Not right now.
"YOU MADE ME HURT MY HEAD, YOU MEANIE! YOU MADE ME FEEL SAD! YOU MADE ME ANGRY, AND YOU MADE MY TUMMY HURT BECAUSE YOU WON'T LOVE ME, AND NOW I'M EVEN MORE SAD, AND... AND I DON'T KNOW, I LOVE YOU! I CAN'T BE MAD AT YOU! I JUST WANT YOU TO FINALLY LOVE ME!"
I cringe at the sheer power of her words, both in volume and in emotions, although they don't come as close to shattering my eardrums as they do to tearing my fucking heart apart. I had no idea my lonely, clueless ass had been hurting her so much. Hell, I didn't even know one could hurt Pinkie Pie!
She wraps her forehooves around my midsection, loudly bawling into my chest.
"Pinkie, I'm... I'm sorry! I really sorry, I never..." I trail off once again, finding myself unable to come up with a decent excuse. I couldn't find anything decent to say. Yeah, what the fuck can I say? I was never good at picking up on whatever few hints girls dropped at me back on Earth, so it doesn't really come off as a surprise that I wasn't able to pick up on Pinkie's hints, either. But aside from that, what can I say?
I've been a blind moron.  
Yeah, I guess I can say that.
But I can't say that I'm used to girls falling in love with me, either. Or mares. And especially not those whose behavior is the polar opposite of mine...
Wrapping my arms around her and gently stroking her mane, I try to calm her down. "Shhhh, Pinkie! Please, don't cry... Please stop crying, it makes me sad when you're sad. It hurts me, I don't wanna see you sad..." I bury my chin in her mane and whisper calming words to her. She slowly calms down, her bawling turning into soft sobbing and hiccups. Slowly pushing her face away, I look deep into her eyes. "Look, Pinks. I had no idea that you were feeling that way, I swear to you, I really had no idea! If I had known... I'm sorry that I hurt you and all, but I just didn't know, I promise you, I-I... I would never, ever hurt you on purpose..."
She sniffs loudly and wipes her tears with a hoof. "Y-you don't like me... I know you don't. It's alright, I'm worthless anyway, I'm..." she trails off, her eyes quickly watering again.
And that's when I decide to do what my heart tells me to, instead of listening to common sense. I softly press my lips against hers, and her tears start to recede, as she stands wide-eyed, confusion and an intense fear of rejection clearly visible on her face.
"Now Pinkie, I want you to listen to me... alright? I like you. I think I really like you, it's true. You're a selfless pony. You're always trying to make everyone, er, everypony happy. You have a lot of talents... your baking skills are unmatched. Your partying skills are out of this world, you throw the sickest fucking parties in all of Equestria, and probably across all and every dimension as well. On a daily basis. You always make everypony smile... and you have the softest coat ever. Plus, your mane is, uh... cute. And poofy." I plunge my nose into her mane, and inhale deeply. "And you smell of cotton candy. Goddamn, that smells so good... Seriously, you're... you're cute. I said that already, didn't I?"
She looks at me with big, damp eyes, and makes no effort to stop the slowly flowing tears. "N-no... you didn't..." she sniffs loudly, and wipes her muzzle on my shirt before looking back at me. "But c-can you say it again? Please? For me..."
Those eyes... those bright, blue pools of wonder, that manage to convey so many emotions, and in such an overwhelming fashion... It's too brutal. Maybe she's hypnotizing me, but strangely, I can't seem to find a single fuck to give.
Something in my mind clicked. Or snapped... I'm not quite sure, but either way, it suddenly all makes sense. "I am not going to tell you that you're cute, Pinkie."
She starts quivering. "B-but, but I-"
I silence her by pressing a finger to her lips.  
"No. I am not going to tell you that I find you cute. I am going to prove you that I find you cute." Replacing my finger with my own lips, I wrap a hand around her neck and softly press her small frame against my body.
She's so soft and warm, and her smell... goddamn, her smell. A mix of cotton candy, along with the typical overpowering sugar smell straight from a confectionery shop, and a distinct, although very subtle womanly scent.
She puckers her lips and presses them against mine with more ardor, as I keep stroking her mane, slowly bringing my hand downward. Breaking away from the kiss, I look at her and gently brush a hand against her flushed cheeks. "You're... you're beautiful, Pinkie. I'm not sure why I only realize it now, but... better late than never, right?"
I always seemed to make a personal point of ruining strong, emotional moments by being a dumb, blunt faggot, but thankfully she doesn't seem to care, instead nodding vigorously, sending a few tears flying away. I move in to kiss her again, this time with much more emotion. She wraps a forehoof around my neck, forcing me closer to her with surprising strength, although there's nowhere else I would rather be at this point. She breaks away long enough to mumble something.
"What was that, Pinks?"
"I-I... Please, don't go... ever! I need you! I need you with me, please Nonny, don't go... I want you... stay with me forever... or at least until..." trailing off, tears once again well up in her eyes.
Looking at the teary-eyed party pony, shivering in my arms, her eyes longing for my love and acceptance, despite me being the oddball in this world... This is no use. I stop fighting and let my own tears pool up in my eyes. "Pinkie... There is nowhere I would rather be," I lift her a bit, so that her face is at the correct height for our eyes to meet, "than here, with the cutest mare in the world, wrapped in my arms.".
Kissing her for the third time, I'm still amazed at how... natural it feels. How right it feels. Much more tender and sensual than with any human girl I ever kissed, and with so much more emotion, too... it's like every kiss has the power to convey and express everything we feel, without having to say it, as if it were a given.  
Maybe that's what love is?
Silently chuckling at the fact I had to end up in Equestria to learn what love was like, her little tongue trying to make its way past my lips is way too adorable and pleasurable for me to keep holding onto any kind of rational thought. Slowly parting my lips, I accept her tongue and greet it with mine, both appendages softly brushing against one another. I gently prod the tip of her wet, warm tongue with my own, and she happily responds by flicking and licking it.
Now exploring each other's mouths, our physical embrace becomes more intense, as I suddenly become aware of how close our bodies are. I can feel a damp heat radiating from below her small frame, and it makes me happy. This beautiful, cute little mare, whose kisses are unlike anything I ever experienced, is in love with me. And I might just be returning the feelings... Breaking away for air, I decide to boop her nose in the cutest way I can pull off, and while she giggles at it, I slowly run my tongue down her neck, making her shiver. Feeling pretty tired from all those bottled up emotions having hit the both of us so violently and suddenly, I stand up, Pinkie Pie still cradled into my arms, and decide to walk up into my room, before laying her down under the blankets, quickly slipping in next to her.
Happily snuggling below the blankets, I wrap an arm around Pinkie once again. Peppering kisses down her neck and upper chest, her short fur tickling my nose, I feel her trying to close the distance between her wet marehood and my thighs. Not one to make a mare wait, I slowly bring a hand down, gently tracing circles on her belly, which elicits a burst of giggles from the bubbly pony. Teasing her perky little teats, I feel her moaning into my shoulder in an impossibly adorable mix of cuteness and sultriness. Finally deciding to allow her to become acquainted with the might of the human hand, I sensually run a finger across her wet slit, and smile as her body tenses, lightning surging through her little body.
"Pinkie... are you really sure you want this?" I ask, although I was feeling even more unsure as to whether I myself wanted to go through with it. She mumbles something into my chest, moaning erratically. "Pinkie?"
"Y-mmmm-yes, I want it... more... than anything..."
Bringing her for a kiss, I give her little nub a quick flick, making her moan into my mouth, the vibrations sending electricity down my spine. Slightly proding her slick entrance with a finger, I break up the kiss and smile at her before running the tip of my tongue down her jawline, and up her earlobe, biting gently on the soft cartilage. Not giving up my ministrations on her lower area, I slowly thrust my middle finger in her folds and use my thumb to caress her little winking clit, as her moans slowly turn into short, not-so-muffled screams. If those adorable yet sexy sounds she makes, and the way she tries to arch her body in a desperate attempts to take more of my finger inside of her are anything to go by, I would say she's enjoying herself.
"I... oh my Celestia, please, oh, faster... I love you, Nonny, I-" I silence her with my tongue, which she gladly wraps her own around. Pretty soon, she has to break the kiss, as her little screams turn into a mix of fast, high pitched moans and heavy, erratic breathing.
"D-don't... don't you... don't stop, ever... don't, I-I... I love you, I-I.... AAAAAAH!"
She screams in pleasure as the most powerful orgasm I have ever witnessed starts rocking her. It takes her nearly a full minute of convulsing, clenching her vaginal walls around my digit, now slick with her juices, and crying into my chest in a mix of pleasure and relief, both emotional and physical. Feeling a wave of intense heat washing over myself, as I finally realize what I just did, I close my eyes and let out a long sigh of relief, contemplating the events that transpired tonight. The dinner, carrying her back home, her breakdown, my... epiphany? And now, this... whatever the hell this was. It was beautiful. And I loved every second of it.
Looking at Pinkie, I softly murmur into her ear, "I think I love you, Pinkie Pie..." but soft, regular breathing is her only answer. Between the alcohol, and that, things must have taken their toll on her. Nuzzling her face with my own, I giggle to myself, "Good night... my little pony.".
Much to her surprise, Pinkie wakes up without a splitting headache. She opens her eyes and looks around her room... her room?
I wake up to an ear-splitting shriek. I sit up and open my eyes, still glazed over as my body starts a (poor) attempt at making a somewhat smooth transition to consciousness.
"*mumble* Gipsy... *mumble* loosen *mumble* shock absorbers... *mumble* gyroscope *mumble* ...ball up! It's your only chance!"
Reluctantly leaving my wonderful dream, I look around me.
"FUCK!"
I look at the pink pony lying next to me, and the faint smell of dried mare juice reaches my nose.
"PINKIE! WHAT IN THE FUCK?"
And suddenly, I remember everything. Well, the vast majority of it, anyway. However, the pink mare seems just as worried as I was a few seconds ago. "Nonny! What happened? What happened last night? What did we do?"
"Pinkie, calm down... uh, goddamn, my fucking head! We, uh... well..." I manage to stutter out. Now that most, if not all the alcohol has left my bloodstream, I'm hard-pressed to find a way to explain her what we did, without sounding too blunt or vulgar. Still, even sober, she looks cute... too cute for her own good.  
Or mine.
She seems to slowly put the pieces together. "Oh no... we... and we were drunk! That's horrible! That's awful! I don't even remember, and, and you probably didn't want to! But apparently you did, and now, and, and..." she takes a deep breath, and turns to me in a dramatic fashion, "AND NOW I LOST MY ONLY CHANCE AT EVER FINDING OUT WHAT YOUR TONGUE WOULD FEEL LIKE DEEP INSIDE MY C-"
I grab her by the throat, althought not in a way that could hurt her, effectively silencing her. "No."
She gives me a weird, almost scared look, which I take as a prompt to go on. "You were drunk. I wasn't."
"But, but, but! But... we did, uh... something? And you drank more than me!" she says in disbelief, shaking her head rapidly.
"Yeah, I drank more than you. I'm twice your height, thrice your weight, I'm a male and back home, I used to drink quite a lot, and much more potent liquor than wine. It takes more than that to get me drunk to the point I lose control of my actions, you know."
Her face drops even further, and a familiar wetness appears in her eyes. "So, you... you touched me out of pity, then? I think I remember what you did to me... I remember you telling me that... that... but now, you'll never... no! I don't want it to end like this, not now, not-"
Once again I have to silence her, this time by pressing my lips against hers. Ignoring her eyes widening in surprise to the point they're larger than her head as her crushed expression lights up, I break the kiss and look at her with an earnest smile.
"End like this? Pinks... we barely even started." I lay down, burying my head in my pillow, and wrap an arm around her, stroking her disheveled mane. "You see, last night you were indeed pretty drunk, but then you told me things. Things I felt like an idiot, if not like an asshole, for not having noticed earlier... and it also got me realizing that maybe, I was feeling things for you, too."
I gently kiss the top of her head, and rub her slightly chubby tummy. "And when I kissed you, I figured, hey what the hell, you love this mare." Looking at me expectantly, she still seems to hesitate about whether or not she wants to know what exactly happened. Running a finger on her lower belly, I then withdraw it and boop her nose with it. "After we kissed and all, I carried you to bed and we cuddled for a while, and uh, I simply, um... made you feel good. That's all, nothing else happened. We fell asleep within minutes afterwards."
She blushes, looking down in embarrassment. I place a hand below her chin, and lift her head up, smiling widely. "What do you say we have dinner together tonight, but here, at my place? I'm a decent cook, you know."
Her previously flat mane seems to inflate a little bit and curl up. "Can we make cupcakes?"
"Uh, I don't know how to... but if you wanna teach me, sure."
"I'd love that." she says, sighing before resting her head against the headboard. "Noooooonnyyyyyy?"
"Yeah, Pinks?"
"What you did to me last night..."
I blush and look slightly away from her. "Uh, yeah?"
"Would you ever do it again?"
Running a finger on her belly, I give her a shit-eating grin. "I'm not sure..." I say, my grin rivaling her widest smiles. Maybe kissing her gave me some of her physics-breaking powers? "Maybe I could do it again, if we..." I withdraw my finger from her warm, fluffy chest and point at the puddle of dried bodily fluids below her cute little flank. She looks at it, then up at me in embarrassment, before noticing my finger, which is now pointing towards the bathroom.
"Shall we, Miss Pie?"
Realizing my implications, she happily bounces off the bed.
"Let's shall, silly!"