Muh Waifu: In Which Twilight Sparkle Invents the WMD

by Keatosimo

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia, Human
Length: 1409

They came, they saw, they tilted their fedoras at a forty five degree angle. This is the story of the neck-beards, and how their Doritos and euphoria shaped the future of Equestria.

They came, they saw, they tilted their fedoras at a forty five degree angle. This is the story of the neck-beards, and how their Doritos and euphoria shaped the future of Equestria. No one dares forget what happened that fateful day, as the hordes of obese manchildren marched upon Equestria, and no one dares forget how it ended. But most of all, no one dares forget the amount of Cheeto dust that had to be cleaned.

"Who the hell are these fat white guys, and why are they jerking off to pictures of me and cartoon horses?" - Carl Sagan

Published 2014-02-06 22:10:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-06 22:10:05 UTC

Damn, I'm Euphoric

The portal had appeared a decade ago, and with it the course of Equestrian history took a dark turn. There was no warning, no prophecy, and not even beings such as Discord could say anything. The diarchy was quick to act; they sent out their top scientists, thaumologists, the Elements of Harmony, and anypony else who might’ve been able to figure it out. As it turned out, it wasn’t a product of natural magic at all.

It was result of technology eons ahead of Equestria’s own. Not an ounce of magic radiated from it, nor could magic penetrate the silvery barrier. When the government had decided that it was wasteful to continue research, and began to withdraw from the site... they appeared. Hulking, thundering abominations began coming through the portal. They conglomerated around the passage, steadily increasing in number. They wore strange uniforms. It didn’t seem to be legitimate armor, nor was it fashionable at all.

Each one brandished a black trench coat, which stretched tightly to accommodate their impressive girth. They wore fingerless gloves with what appeared to be the skeletal structure of their hand and canvas shoes bearing a logo on it. Faux-leather shoes and black denim jeans accompanied their outfit, and a chain dangled from their pockets in an attempt to look unique.

The final and most awful article they had was the fedora. We assumed it was an attempt to look classy, however it resulted in them looking like manchildren. They were tilted at a 45 degree angles as if to acknowledge someone's presence without actually having to converse with them (We assume that they would stutter and say something like, "You too.") As for their bodies, they were generally obese and had copious amounts of acne. Each creature sported a neckbeard littered with Hot-Pocket crumbs. When they walked, or waddled, one could see their fat folds gently swaying in the breeze. We assume it is a form of mating ritual, but we’ve never actually seen a female of this species. Beyond this, they exhibited no intelligence whatsoever.

Equestria attempted diplomacy, but to no response. Instead, the beings merely stared, jaws agape, at the ponies. When no communication was made, Princess Celestia ordered the Elements of Harmony to assemble, to see if the ancient magic could somehow bridge the gap. This was the beginning of the worst disaster in the history of Equestria. At 12:49 PM, on the Appleoosan Steppes, the late Rainbow Dash became the first victim of what was soon to be known as the Euphoric Massacre.

As soon as the Elements had arrived, the aliens’ focus immediately shifted to them. All was silent, until one of the beasts slowly waddled in front of the pegasus. It’s beady eyes bored into her as its pudgy face curled into a snaggle toothed grin.

“‘Aynbodass. Will you be muh waifu? I’ll giv’u belly rubs!” It mumbled, speech impeded by its multiple chins, as it held it’s arms out, like it was asking for a hug.

We could all see Rainbow grimace at the sweaty abomination, but she swallowed her disgust and replied.

“No, alien-guy-dude. Maybe we should just be friends. All of you, too.”

The collective anal clench of each and every neckbeard was deafening. Silence reigned save for the creatures' mouth breathing. Their hopeful expressions turned to ones of anger.

“‘Friend-zoned again!” It roared, flab jiggling wildly. “I’ll js’ havta glawmp you all ‘till you see how nice an’ dateable I am!”

And with that, the beast flopped on top of Rainbow Dash. Her Majesty Twilight Sparkle flung the man off of the pegasus, but it was too late. Rainbow was convulsing wildly. Her body was changing in a horrific way. First, she grew fat, slowly beginning to resemble the creatures. Then, an unkempt beard sprouted from her new triple chin. Acne began to blossom on her forehead, dotting her blue body with red. We all watched in horror as she stood up, placed a fedora on her head, and said aloud:

"In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because, I am enlightened by my intelligence."

Then the mounds of flesh charged. Ponies who didn’t realize the danger were instantly transformed into immature, atheistic and arrogant manchildren. Any mare was brutally cuddled, to the point of suffocation. I was almost caught. I remember it’s face. It’s breath smelled of pizza and swiss snack cakes. I managed to teleport away, along with the rest of the elements and the princesses. We reconvened in Canterlot hours later. War was declared.

We sent our best out into the field, along with some griffin mercenaries. When specimens were delivered back to the capital, we were astonished. During the autopsy, we found that it’s blood was actually a carbonated beverage. Upon analyzing a bottle filled with an identical liquid, we determined that their life essence was a soda called ‘Mountain Dew.’ Those brave enough to try it found it to taste like sugar and taurin. Any stallion who consumed it found their testicles shrunkem, which explained the incredibly small genetalia of the creatures. When we opened their digestive tract, we found cheesy dust.

It was determined to be a snack food called ‘Doritos,’ and was the sole food they ate, besides the occasional DiGiorno pizza and value size bag of crunchy Cheetos. Despite the rate at which we learned about the beasts, we weren’t becoming close to winning the war. Whenever one came close to death, it would gurgle:

“Gamer fuel!”

And consume Doritos and Mountain Dew, effectively healing any damage. We were pushed back to Canterlot within months. Our allies pulled back from the war, as the beasts didn’t seem to care about invading them. Prince Consort Shining Armor was holding up a barrier day in and day out. His power was waning constantly, and we dreaded the eventual collapse of our last line of defense. The incessant pounding of the neckbeards' meaty fists drove many to insanity. Princess Luna herself teleported to the moon and hasn't come down since. When all hope was lost, Princess Twilight Sparkle revealed her last resort. She had determined that the neckbeards were driving by an urge to obtain ponies as “waifus,” also referred to as "qt3.14 gf." One night, while examining a live specimen, she heard him mumble, “So adorkable, m’lady Twiley.”

After a half hour of projectile vomiting, she realized that that it was a cute factor that drew them in. Much like the changelings with love, she hypothesized that an overload of cute would be able to stop them. So, she brought in Fluttershy, who was instructed to squee in the presence of the neckbeard. Fluttershy did so, and so it came to be that the neckbeard promptly went into cardiac arrest and perished. It was in this moment that Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy saved the pony race.

After two days of nonstop work, Twilight and her squad of engineers fully constructed the world’s first WMD. Short for “Weapon-of-Mass-D’awwstruction,” it was said to be capable of eliminating the entire threat, including any beardos who remained beyond the portal, by using Fluttershy’s adorable nature. A day before Shining Armor said his shield was going to collapse, we ascended to Celestia’s observatory, which was converted to a missile silo for the occasion. There it stood, in all it’s glory. The rocket was aimed directly for Ponyville, the crossroads of Equestria.

Princess Celestia looked at Twilight and nodded. We all stood in silence as her hoof pressed the launch button.

“3... 2... 1... Launch. This is for you, Rainbow Dash.” I spoke somberly.

The missile flew into the air, careening towards the rural town. Ten seconds, thirty seconds, a minute, then five. It grew closer to the ground. Contact. The impact was deafening. A roaring explosion boomed, alongside a massive cloud that rose into the sky. In it, a magical holograph of Fluttershy appeared, face hidden behind her soft, pink mane.

“Hello, um, everypony. Um, I would just like to say that, um, I would love to be your waifu if that’s okay with you.”

It was admittedly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. My jaw hung as I slowly craned my head towards Twilight Sparkle. Tears dripped slowly from her eyes, as I heard her whisper,

“Now I am become death, the destroyer of euphoria.”

Author's Note

I regret nothing, except that I cannot woo m'ladies on r/athiesm.