Disastrous with an Asterisk

by Bootsy Slickmane

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Random, Discord, Violence, Human, Main 6
Length: 1405

Mike was just a simple janitor until Discord invaded his hometown and started raining down bacon. *Contains insanity

Mike was just a simple janitor until Discord invaded his hometown and started raining down bacon.

*Contains utter insanity and oatmeal

Published 2014-02-06 03:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-06 03:30:05 UTC

Weirdest Apocalypse Ever

The dust bunnies cried out for mercy, but Mike showed them none, sweeping them away with his mighty broom. They soon found themselves among the other prisoners in the bin. The last things they saw were the florescent bulbs in the ceiling and Mike's wrathful stare before he closed up the bag and plunged the dust bunnies into darkness.

Mike took a quick look around the hallway, making sure it was nice and tidy before he moved on to the next one. Spotting a candy bar wrapper he could've sworn hadn't been there before, he twirled his broom in his hands and walked over to remove it. His eyes moved to the nearby window as he stood up, wrapper in hand. It was another sunny day in Lefauxville, his hometown, and he could see a few families playing in the park across the street. He breathed deeply, taking in the scent of freshly-applied bleach, and then coughed a few times.

Mike turned away from the window, but whipped back around at the sound of screaming. He leaned against the glass, watching the street below to find the source of the apparent distress. The reason for the shouting quickly became clear.

A woman came running out from under a tree, only to be tackled by a squirrel the size of a motorcycle. It's beady little eyes were solid red, and Mike could swear that he saw them glowing. A trio of children were shouting as a raccoon as big as a compact car carried them off down the street. To top it all off, a centipede as thick as Mike and as long as a city bus was snaking its way around a plump man that had been too slow to escape and chewing his face off.

"That's a shame," Mike remarked, turning away from the window and walking back to his trash bag. He opened it briefly, tossed the candy wrapper inside, and then tied the bag shut. He slung the black plastic sack over his shoulder, reminding himself of Santa Claus, and strutted through the hall. Down the stairs, around a corner, and out a door he went.

Once he was close enough, Mike heaved the trash bag into a dumpster behind the office building. His watch beeped as he turned toward the building. After a quick check of the time, he turned right back around and headed for his car. It was time for his lunch break, it would appear. Unfortunately, his car was completely crushed when a giant strip of bacon landed right on it.

Mike stared at the bacon, which was as big as a prefabricated house. "Well, shit," he said simply. "At least I've got bacon, though." Mike broke off some chunks of the mighty slab of pork, munching on them as he walked out of the parking lot. "Saves me the trouble of getting lunch, too."

Another strip of bacon landed nearby, cracking the pavement as it struck. Then another hit, smashing a taxi cab and peppering pedestrians with shattered glass.

"Okay, this is starting to get kinda weird," Mike said, observing the frosting pouring from the windows and doors of his place of work. "I think somethin's goin' on here."

A horrible screeching noise rang out over the street. It sounded like a banshee was gargling an active cement mixer filled with broken glass. A mighty, dragon-shaped beast landed atop a burger restaurant. This new beast was shaped like a classic, European dragon, but it was made out of crusty, tan circles. It almost looked like...

"Onion rings?" Mike muttered.

The Onion Ring Dragon pointed it's deep-fried snout down at the people below, staring at them with its eyeless face. It drew in a shuddering breath, and then spewed out a stream of potato chips all over the screaming pedestrians. They covered their faces, shouting out in pain as crumbs and seasoning dust invaded their eyes.

"Okay, yeah, that's pretty damn weird," Mike said, climbing up a pile of apples and onto a rooftop to avoid the flood of frosting. "This doesn't make any sense anymore. What the hell is going on?"

It was then that a mad cackling reached Mike, and he turned his head skyward. There, floating some hundred feet above a nearby intersection, was some sort of creature. Head like a goat, two different kinds of horns, arms of both a lion and an eagle. Mismatched legs and wings as well, all attached to a slender, snakelike body.

"Oh," the creature said, "I haven't had this much fun in ages. What's next, hmm?" The creature stared down at the panicking people below, scratching a talon at his little white beard.

A white-hot, foaming rage built up inside Mike as he recognized the draconequus. He seethed, fumed, and might have even had a mild aneurysm. Mike called upon his Brony Powers(TM). His trusty mop burst straight through the wall of the office building and flew into his hand. Mike launched himself upward through the air towards his least-favorite antagonist from his most-favorite cartoon, screaming in fury, "Discord!"

The draconequus turned, raising an eyebrow at the janitor that was rocketing right at him. "Well, that's something I don't see everyday."

Mike screamed, thrusting his mop toward Discord's face. And then Mike was oatmeal.

Discord popped out a big bowl, caught the clump of oatmeal that used to be Mike, and whipped out a spoon. He was about to dig into the oatmeal when a rainbow-colored streak shot past him and snatched it from his hands. Discord groaned, watching as Rainbow Dash landed on the pavement next to five other ponies, placing the oatmeal down on the sidewalk.

"Discord, what did I say about making mayhem?" Fluttershy scolded.

"Oh ho, I remember it quite well," Discord said. "You ponies said that I wasn't allowed to spread chaos in Equestria; you never said I couldn't do it in other worlds."

"Well, you're not allowed to do that either," Twilight piped up. "The last thing we need is another inter-dimensional incident on our hooves."

"Aww, come on," Discord whined, "I'm just getting started."

"No means no," Fluttershy said firmly.

Discord stared down at the pink-maned pegasus, his eyes sad. "Fine," he groaned, drifting down to the road. "Someday, though, I want a pocket universe of my own to play with."

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Twilight sighed, but caught a dirty look being flung at her by Fluttershy. "I mean, uh, I'll look into it, okay?" Twilight lit up her horn, and a tiny little spot of black appeared in the air in front of her. "Okay, everypony and Discord, into the dimension sphincter."

With that, the six ponies and one draconequus all crammed themselves into the tiny hole in space, finding their bodies sprawled out on the grass just outside Ponyville a few seconds later.

"Whew, glad that's dealt with," Applejack said, wiping her brow.

"Yeah," Rainbow chimed in. "I've got Wonderbolts practice to get to. See ya." Without another word, Dash was off like a bullet and out of sight.

Discord sighed, crossing his arms. "You ponies never let me have any fun at all."

Fluttershy flapped up to Discord and put a hoof against his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Discord, but you know how most ponies and aliens feel about you causing chaos."

"It ruins their day, I know." Discord rolled his eyes so hard they popped right out of his head.

Twilight was scanning the horizon, her expression blank. "You know, I can't shake the sense that we've forgotten something." She shook her head after a moment. "Oh well, it's probably nothing."

Meanwhile, back in the human world, a massive centipede crawled its frosting-splattered body across the street, carrying a flailing civilian with it. Potato chips pelted a passenger jet as it came in to land at a nearby airport. The bacon storm drifted over a trailer park, flattening homes at random. And in the middle of it all sat a big bowl of janitor-flavored oatmeal.

Author's Note

Based on a dream I had, heavily modified to actually be a story. Note, however, that this is not a self-insert (my name isn't even Mike). The animals, frosting, bacon rain, and Onion Ring Dragon are straight out of the dream, by the way.

If you want to blame someone, blame Flint Sparks, who told me to write a fic based off said dream.