Zero Dark Pony

by ARCblooper

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Other, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1838

Like Zero Dark Thirty/pony military action and puns?

I wrote this for a "Literature of War" class, and the teacher said it could be as ridiculous as we want. Upon review, I was one of the few to get an A. He told me I should post it to a fanfic site, so I am.

As hinted at by the title, this is a ponified version of the raid on Osama Bin Laden's compound in May 2011. I put in hours of research to make it as accurate as possible, but with, you know, ponies.

Published 2014-02-06 07:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-06 07:20:03 UTC

Operation Geroneighmo

“Do you really believe this story,” Desert Storm asked, “I mean, no offense, no offense, but... Oatsama Bin Laden?” he said nodding at the PIA (Pony Intelligence Agency) analyst, Twilight Sparkle. Desert used his mouth to toss another horseshoe at the stake in the ground.

“Well, yeah,” Moving Target said.

“What makes you so sure?” Desert asked.

Glancing over to Twilight, Moving Target continued, “Her confidence.”

Desert Storm rolled his eyes.

***

  Twilight levitated her briefing papers with her horn and tapped the edges on her table, straightening them. The Navy VEAL team filtered into the room for the briefing talking amongst themselves. Twilight cleared her throat and began.

“I’m sure you all know of the Al-Falfa leader, Oatsama Bin Laden. He orchestrated the terrorist attacks on Manehattan. For the longest time we assumed he was hiding in Calfghanistan, but now we know he is living in a compound in Abottabarn, Pakistable. Being a supposed ally nation, we aren’t allowed into Pakistable. That is why we are using modified stealth helicopters as insertion.”

By the end of the briefing, the team knew that a top Al-Falfa courier and his brother were there, with Oatsama’s son, and Oatsama himself, as well as their respective wives and children.

Desert Storm looked at the satellite images of the compound. It was a triangle shaped privacy wall, with other walls dividing the interior, and a multiple story building in the center. His brow furrowed as he looked at the photos. So this was where that guy was hiding for a decade. Trotting outside, he continued tossing horseshoes with his comrades.

***

That night, a bonfire was set up near the team’s tents. Members of the Marine Unicorps stood outside the fenced in section of the forward operating base, turning away any unauthorized personnel. The VEALs were all gearing up. Moving target was attaching a suppressor to his HK416, standard issue to the Naval Pony Warfare Development Herd (DEVHER). He finished attaching the sound-reducing device and raised a hoof, covering his face as the helicopters began to kick up dust. The VEAL team began to load up. There was even a handler leading an attack dog onto the helicopter. One thing particularly odd that Moving Target noticed was that the helicopters didn’t have rotors that spun loudly. They only made a thumping sound. They certainly weren’t conventional either. Their cockpit was angular, and there wasn’t a single area on the surface that didn’t seem to have a sharp angle.

Once they were geared up, the rest of the VEAL team boarded the two experimental helicopters. Once they were all on board, the doors slid shut with an overly dramatic hiss. Desert Storm and Moving Target, like the rest of the team, sat opposite of each other. Desert Storm noticed Moving Target was wearing earbuds.

“Hey what are you listening to?” Desert asked.

“Pony Robbins,” Moving Target answered casually.

“Pony Robbins, really?” Desert teased.

The two were interrupted as the helicopter began to bank violently. It had to fly low through mountains, and the helicopters were incredibly heavy with their modifications. Everypony’s equipment was calculated to the ounce, but updraft from the mountains always posed a risk. Soon the helicopter righted itself, and continues following the other. The pilot announced they were entering Pakistable airspace.

***

Once the pilot told them they had reached the fifteen minute mark, everypony began to get ready. Desert Storm raised a hoof and lowered his night vision goggles. They had four separate lenses to give the operator a panoramic view. The dark helicopter made the goggles cast green light on the eyes of everypony inside. The doors slid open, a cool breeze chilling the inside of the aircraft. Moving Target looked out, seeing the lights of Abottabarn up ahead. One section was completely dark, partially due to the moonless night, but also due to PIA operatives cutting the power to the neighborhood the compound was in. At first it was difficult to spot, but soon Moving target could make out the triangular compound in the night vision goggle’s green-scale.

Desert Storm watched as the first helicopter moved to position over the main building, getting ready for the ponies inside to rope down. Suddenly, it began shaking violently. Updraft from inside the compound blew up, stealing lift from the helo. In a desperate attempt to control it, the pilots tried angling it, but that only forced the helicopter into a spin. The VEALs watched in horror as it began spinning, dropping from the sky. The tail slammed into the outer privacy wall, sparks spraying from the helicopter as it smashed into the wall, mostly landing inside the compound.

“No ropes, wheels down,” the pilots communicated to each other. The helicopter carefully lowered itself down, and the commandoes trot out of the vehicles. They made no clip-clop sound as they headed for various doors of the structure.

Desert Storm tapped a hoof quietly to his helmet, and a VEAL moved to the door the team was lined up against. The pony peeled a plastic covering off the block of C4 explosives, then stuck them to the wall. He backed up and pressed the detonator. The team expected a blast, but only got a fizzle, blowing a small hole through the door. Desert looked in the hole and saw why. It was a false door with a cinder block wall behind it. He gestured to the others, and as they passed everypony else saw.

Meanwhile, Moving Target led his team to the door of one building. They stacked up, staying close to the wall. Moving Target began carefully opening another block of C4. The plastic wrapping peeled off easily, and he began to place the block on the door. Suddenly, bullets tore through the door, miraculously missing the pony. He backed up, seeing in night vision his laser beam point at the door. He began returning fire through the door until the gunshots stopped. After a few seconds, he opened the door, and inside was the courier, dead. He was shot right through the muzzle. His wife sat beside him, bleeding from her shoulder. One of the commandoes took her and used a zip-tie to cuff her. The team continued through the house. Inside, they found foals. Tying them up, they brought them outside as well.

Desert Storm’s team breached an inner wall, lasers all aiming at every window on the main building as the group trot towards it. They stacked up, and tried the door. Strangely, it was unlocked. Desert Storm looked to the pony next to him, puzzled. He grabbed the door and pushed it open, readying himself. The hallway was incredibly dark, but a shadow quickly moved across the hall and out of sight. The team followed, clearing room by room. Eventually, they found him. It was the courier’s brother. Desert Storm fired several shots, but was suddenly greeted by screaming. His wife ran out, and began attempting to pry his AKM from his hooves. Since she was posing a clear threat, Desert Storm fired, killing her as well.

Desert Storm continued clearing rooms, and one had movement, lots of it. Mares and foals filled the room, some crying.

“It’s okay,” Desert Storm said, signaling for them to get down. More commandos trot in and began bringing the mares and foals outside with the rest. The team continued on, regrouping fully inside the building with Moving Target’s group. Floor one was clear, and they were moving up. The team headed for the stairs.

Desert Storm was point-stallion, and just as he turned the corner on the landing to the stairs, he saw somepony disappear behind a wall. There were only two known targets left, so he took a guess and called out the name of Oatsama’s son.

Taking a risk, the son posed his head around the corner. He fell dead with several rounds in him. Desert Storm continued up the stairs, glancing up.

There was their target, looking down at them ominously. Oatsama Bin Laden himself. Desert Storm fired, and Oatsama ran back into cover. The team galloped up the stairs, heading for Oatsama’s room. They bucked in the door, multiple ponies moving in at once. Mares and foals were screaming, one mare being used by Oatsama as a pony shield. One team member fired a leg shot, then tackled the two mares in the room to the ground in case they were wearing suicide vests. Oatsama was tall, battered, and bleeding from a bullet that just grazed him. Desert took the shot, lead slamming right through Oatsama’s face, dropping him. Tying up the civilians, the group led them outside with the others. Desert Storm then remembered the code for their mission success. He turned on his radio.

“Geroneighmo... For Celestia and country... Geroneighmo... Geroneighmo... Geroneighmo... Geroneighmo EKIA.”

Moving Target clicked on his helmet’s light, examining the body, then he looked up at Desert Storm.

“Dude, do you know what you just did?” he asked, flipping up his goggles. Desert Storm just stared in shock. The moment was soon interrupted, however, as the radio buzzed to life.

“Team, the Pakistable pegasus force is scrambling, you have fourteen minutes.”

The VEALs looked at each other and began running through the house, grabbing everything and anything they could find. Two came downstairs carrying a full body bag. Outside, a twin rotor helicopter landed, and the body was loaded on board. Ten minutes passed, and anything that couldn’t be carried was being destroyed. Some ponies were using fire axes and crowbars to destroy filing cabinets and computer hard drives. Another team was outside, using the rest of their explosives on the crashed helicopter to prevent it from falling into enemy hooves. Once they were set, the team detonated them, incinerating the crashed helicopter, a piece of the tail falling outside the compound.

The teams loaded up on each helicopter and took off, flying above the mountains this time so they could move faster. One by one, each team member let out a sigh of relief. They had made it. After an entire decade, they had killed the most wanted pony in Equestria.

Epilogue

The next morning the Pakistable government discovered 21 ponies at the compound, four of them dead, and the others tied up. They also discovered a strange looking tail rotor to a helicopter, and a pile of twisted metal nearby. About a dozen shells from the VEAL’s 5.56x45 NEIGHTO rounds were recovered. There were also signs of another pony, but nopony knew where the body went.

The morning of the raid, Princess Celestia announced, “Tonight, I can report to the Equestrian ponies, and to the world that Equestria has conducted an operation that killed Oatsama Bin Laden, the leader of Al-Falfa.”

Oatsama Bin Laden was buried at sea off the coast of Saddle Arabia. DNA testing proved it was indeed the infamous pony. The war in Calfghanistan continued for several more years, but justice had been done.

Author's Note

Hope you enjoyed!