'Big Mac'

by RealityWarper

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Spike, Big Macintosh, Random
Length: 2837

Cows on Sweet Apple Acres have gone missing, and it's up to the Mane 6, Spike and The Cutie Mark crusaders to find out why and put a stop to it.

All the Cow in Applejack's farm go missing, and while it starts there, soon, Cow's all over Equestria start going missing! Applejack asks her friends to help her discover why. Meanwhile, Big Mac seemed to have been bringing in a lot of bits in for the farm with that new "secret" job of his...

Published 2014-02-06 07:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-07 15:15:23 UTC

The Big Mac Picture

'Big Mac'

Chapter One: "Where's 'mah Cow's!?"

It was a glorious day in Equestria, hanging from the sky, was Princess Celestia's own orb of light that shined bright like a diamond, illuminating the day, and bringing Applejack back to the world of the living as the merciless ever burning vivid shade of orange pierced her eyelids, then her dreams. Applejack groaned.

"Dear Celestia. why're 'yah doin' this? " Applejack whimpered. "Just five more minutes..." Applejack clenched her eyes and turns away from the evil sun. No, it was all a faux from the beginning! Princess Celestia was the TRUE evil sister, why didn't she see it before? The moon was sweet, gentle, and all over all- LET HER SLEEP! Luna be praised, please for just a few more hours make it night! She needed sleep!

"Sis' wake up, it's bright 'n early, we need to get ta' work. And we can't do that with 'yah in bed all day." The owner of the voice was none other than our very own protagonist/antagonist! Let's give him a round of applause people!

Whistling was heard. as well as clapping from the audience. Such dedication, makes me proud to be an author...

Big Mac's head snaps around as he searched for the cause of the commotion.

"What in tarnation was that?" Big Mac pondered as he turned back to his sister who was practically balling because we woke her up with our excitement. Poor Applejack.

"Ah' dunno, but Ah' just wanna sleep!" Applejack pleaded. She usually was the second one up, but with The Cutie Mark Crusaders around, it had been a hassle to watch them, they were always doing dumb things to get their cutie marks. And if they didn't die from their life daring-do attempts, they would die of fear from a very angry stampeding Applejack.

Appleboom happened to walk in at that minute. "hI sIS dID yOU gET soME slEEP?" She seemed to be talking loudly for some random reason. And her voice seemed to waver .Oh,it wasn't random, her ears must still be messed up from the last crusade. Being that close to bombs wasn't good for your health after all.

Seeing Applebloom up made Applejack realize she had already slept in later than she already should. "Horse Apples!" She cursed. Then she sighed. "It ain't fair..." She slowly crawled out from under her blanket, the sun beamed down on her, it's evil rays certainly dampening her mood.

An evil laugh was heard in the distance, looking out the window she saw Princess Celestia flying away cackling madly with an unstable grin on her muzzle.

Applejack gaped. "...Ah' KNEW IT!" She grouched. "The nerve!" She paused. "Welll, she's the princess so she Ah' guess she can do w'ut she wants..." Pouting, she rolled over from the ground, and slowly climbed to her hooves, where her two siblings sat waiting for her.

"Morning." Said the two, where they both headed around separate corners, one right, and one left puzzling Applejack.

"Ah' thought we were all heading downstairs?" Applejack said baffled. "Enope." was her reply from both ponies. She frowned. "Consarnit! W'ut was the point of that!?" Today must have been influenced by Pinkie Pie herself, because she had no idea what was going on. Applejack sighed.

"Well, Ah' still gotta go feed the ladies. Can't keep 'em 'a waitin' ..." She trudged out her door, pulling open with a hoof and slowly made her way down her hall, where her newly painted white walls greeted her. The squeaky brown hardwood floor indeed does what it's title is and squeaks at her, greetings out the way from her floor, she made her way down the stairs. The brown carpeted stairs soothed her ears and hooves from the harsh sounds and ugly paint, providing her a simple staircase. The simple things sometimes were the best. Upon reaching her destination she did upheld a steady decent pace at trotting, when reaching her table, she stopped for little things, like an apple. Which she, Pinkie Pie style gulped it down without so much as one bite. Breakfast done, she headed outside, opening the door the sun's heated embrace pulled her in, making sure it would love her. Where it bathed her in warmth. Applejack smiled. Despite all their problems in the morning, her and the sun got along quite well. The light shined brightly, except one part of the sun, which seemed to have sunglasses on it, blocking the light from it. The sun lifted it's hand and then the sunglasses, winking at her with one eye. Applejack smiled. They did get along great-

Wait...sunglasses, on the sun? And it winked? AND had eyes? What in tarnation?

She quickly snapped her head up to stare at the sun, the sun never burned their eyes. She bet it was the work of Celestia. It only hurt when sitting in a dark area, or sleep and then looking at it. She observed the sun for a second, it sat there without glasses-less. And without arms, she gained a confused face. What did Pinkie put in her drink? Darn that popular perky pink party pony Pinkie Pie. She pauses. Since when did she use alliteration? Gah, she was gonna put that in the "...Wut?" file section of her head. And put in to gear the "Work time!" part. Ignoring the event that DID NOT happen, she trotted into the yard, where she found big mac waiting with a hay bale, the straw of hay sticking out his muzzle as usual, he seemed a bit too cool at times. Applejack rolled her eyes and prepared to call out to Big Mac, when she saw something puzzling. There behind him, when she leaned her head. Was a pony wearing some shady clothes, and sunglasses. Applejack shivered. She was seeing these sunglasses everywhere. The pony in question seemed to have a cart on his back, in the cart seemed to be something. She wasn't sure at first, but when Big Mac opened up the case she saw BAGS of bits in the cart! She gaped.

"Here it all is, my part of the deal is fulfilled too now." The mystery pony nodded. "The Griffon Kingdom will appreciate this." The voice seemed to be enhanced with magic, so she couldn't even tell what gender the pony was. Big Mac nodded seeing everything in place.

"Eyup. Pleasure doin' business with yah'." The mystery pony nodded and in a swirl of sparkling magic 'poofed' off. Applejack was confused.

Seeing enough, Applejack called out to Big Mac. "Mac, what was all that about?" She asked confused. Her brother's head snapped to her.

"T'aint nuthin' ta' worry 'bout sis." He waved a hoof in her direction. Applejack narrowed her eyes.

"If'n yah' say so, we'll come back ta' this, but right now we gotta feed the ladies, since Applebloom already got the farm animals." It indeed became Applebloom's chore to feed the animals in the morning. It was a punish a few weeks ago for a crusade, the punishment STILL hadn't worn out.

Big Mac nodded his head. And let out a small. "Let's go then." Where they slowly made their way to the barn where the ladies were staying. Upon arrival, she opened the barn door. She knew she was an hour late, but they were always forgiving. She smiled.

"Alright ladies, sorry Ah'm late, but Ah got yah-" Applejack blinked. "...Huh?"

The barn was empty, and all the animals were gone. Including the Cows.

"Where's mah' Cow's!?" Applejack gasped horrified.

"...Huh." That 'huh' came from Big Mac. He was confused himself now. "Where is everypony?" He frowned. You would be confused, WOULDN'T YOU!? Please, we all know the truth we-

"WHOA NELLY- What's that!?" On one of the fences there was a claw mark. Looked like a griffons. Damn, shooting down my theories since the beginning of time. You bastards.

"...It looks like a claw mark." Big Mac pointed out. Applejack blinked.

"Oh, Ah' was talkin' 'bout that there ape thingy!" She pointed at me, I was sitting in the corner, being a regular old human with my laptop in hand typing the story as it went.

"DON'T MIND ME, LOOK AT THE CLUES." I said. Applejack nodded.

"Sorry!" She looked back at the clue, then she blinked. Then scrunched her face up. "Wait what?" She snapped her head back to where the 'Ape Thingy' was, only to find it wasn't there. Big Mac looked weirded out.

"Sis...what're you talkin' 'bout? There's nothing there, not the first or second time. Are yah' feeling okay?" Applejack blinked. Then cursed under her breath.

"Yeah, t'aint nuthin', don't mind me." She grimaced. Hey, Big Mac was ignoring my existence. The dick.

Applejack looked back at the clue. she shook her head. "Ah'm gonna go inta' town n' find 'em." The galloped off before he could say a thing. Jeez Applejack. you might have well just said "Let's split up gang!" with those skills.

Author's Note

I don't even.

That annoying voice

Applejack galloped into town, where she began to search for her cows with a worried frown. She searched everywhere- up and down, high and low. In a bush, in the clouds, in an old 60's style pony's Afro. But no matter where she searched, she simply could not find her cows. She guessed they just weren't in around, maybe they had went out of town-

"CONSARNIT! WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT!?" Applejack screeched and cut me off just as I just tried to continue the story, the spoil sport. Sorry Applejack, no can do. I have to do this. I have a metaphorical mouth to feed, it's my own. Applejack huffed.

"Where are you even talking from!? Ah' don't see you!" She grouched. I shrugged not that she could see. No one knows, dear Applejack, that's half the fun!

"...When I get my hooves on you." Applejack snorted angrily. I laughed. Good thing that wasn't going to happen. "Just you wait..." I clicked my tongue. So edgy, you know how we fix that? Applejack looked wary now.

"...How?..." I grinned. SCENE BREAK!

Applejack found herself in Pinkie's show. She blinked rapidly.

"What in tarnation?" She said baffled, where she began looking around for the answer to her problems. But there was none.

"Oh hi Applejack! How'd you find out about the Warp Pipe?" One of her best friends called out to her happily. Pinkie Pie's fourth wall breaking skills wasn't as good as mines. Most authors just weren't all that powerful- BUT ME!? I WAS THE BOMB!

Somewhere Scootaloo sneezed smoke. Those bombs did a number on them.

Point in being, Pinkie couldn't see me.

"Warp Pipe?" Applejack questioned. She looked confused. Pinkie nodded.

"Yup! Warp Pipe! Only us Fourth Wall Warriors have access to them though! So, you're a Fourth Wall Warrior now!?" Pinkie gasped astonished. Applejack looked confused.

"...Ye' I guess?" Applejack didn't know what was going on, but if it helped her get out of this shop faster- then okay!
"Eyup! Official warrior! Heh heh..." She scooted over and tried to edge her way out, Pinkie noticed that, but before she could act Applejack was outta there! Now usually she could go over there and catch her with no problem, but she was on duty right now!

"Excuse me Pinkie, can I have a cupcake?" Pinkie Pie turned toward her customer with a wide smile, and a glint in her eyes.

"What kind of cupcake can I get you!?"

Applejack found herself at Twilight's tree-house, waiting for the elements of harmony to gather together, as Twilight had summoned them. The Unicorn seemed to always be able to make time for her friends, that was one of the things she loved most about Twilight. She was a good friend who always helped in a time of need. Pacing around the room with a worried heart, but a smiling face due to her friends actions, she started to sweat slightly when suddenly the door opened in a flash of lavender colored magic. Trotting in was all the Elements of Harmony with worried looks on them.

Rarity was the first to get to Applejack, getting all in her personal space.

"Applejack darling! Is everything alright?" Rarity brought her hoof up patting Applejack's head. Which made her think of something...She was missing something. She passed it off.

"Applejack, you look so different without your hat!-" Rarity paused. "But why would you use a monkey as a hat?" She scrunched her face up. Applejack blinked.

"Say w'ut now?" Applejack asked confused. Then it clicked- that's what she was missing! But, what about the monkey part? Looking up she saw a monkey as big as her head, on her head. It weighed nothing! How'd it even GET there!? Applejack snorted angrily.

"Dagnabit! Where's 'mah hat!?" Applejack raged. It was a gift from her Daddy, bless his soul. "'Ah better close my eyes. N' when 'Ah open them. 'Mah hat better be back." Applejack took a deep breath, and sighed. Then repeated. "One. Two. Three." She opened her eyes, as soon as she did so, right on her head was the monkey- wearing Applejack's hat. Applejack deadpanned. "Good 'nuff 'Ah guess."

"...Well, that very strange occurrence behind us Applejack, what do you need?" Twilight went from confused to worried for her friend in the drop of a monkey wearing Applejack's hat. Pun intended. Hur hur hurrrr-

"Ah need yah help findin' all my cows!" Applejack pleaded. Wow,needy much? Twilight blinked.

"...Your cows have gone missing too?..." It was Applejack's turn to blink.

"Too?" She asked confused. This whole day was confusing. She really was starting to suspect she was on some sort of drug. Twilight nodded. Not at the drug thing, I think?

"Cow's all over Equestria have started vanishing. No one knows how, or why?" Twilight shrugged. The rest of the group looked at each other, confusion evident in their eyes.

"Well, Ah' say we go find 'em. Ask some ponies if they know!" Th group headed out. "Let's split up gang!" Wow, really Applejack? Really? You low dirty-

"Right!" The group galloped out the door heading in different directions, not knowing Spike heard the conversation. Spike shrugged.

"They didn't bother asking me what I knew. Oh well." He went back to wiping the windows off. Ever since he moved in Ponyville. He had been working for Twilight as an assistant. He still went to Everfree, he had been busy though. He huffed, sending out a small breath of fire. And toasting the window a little. He made sure to control his fire not to incinerate it. He ate meat plenty, so he COULD tell them where the cows where going...But he'd only tell them some clues- after all...He liked his burgers. At that moment, he let out a drool with a perverted face giggling and literally vibrating. Where he went into his special box, down the hall and in his basket under his covers, because he slept in the hall. Where there was a pillow, under the pillow was a floorboard,which he lifted, and put to the side, and then went down into the secret dark stairs with dim-lit torches, he headed down the long hall, and deeper down the secret tunnel. Before he went and made a left, opening the door, which had a lock on it. He picked it, before the next door had a combination safe lock, he typed in the code consisted of "SPIKE ROX" Where he opened it, and went even deeper in the tunnel. Where there was a fireman pole. Where he slid down it, and there was a room with about six different ways, he chose the correct one, and went in. Before he went into the secret library where there was a literal thousand of book shelves, surrounding the library in a circle, he got on the elevator, going up the elevator.

"Take me to the "SPIKE ROX HARD" section." Doing so, the magical elevator moved to the section Spike requested.

"Almost there my precious..." Spike giggled perversely. The perv. Behind one of the bookshelves, was another bookshelf. Which he went into, as it was an illusion. Behind there was a key. But right before he could get the keys, THREE GIANT FIRE BREATHING DRAGONS AND EIGHTY CATS COMPLETED WITH A MANTICORE ATTACKED HIM! With a roar they all attacked him.

Spike roared back, punching the Manticore in the face, instantly knocking it out. Jumping up with his small tiny feet, he burned all the dragons with a heavy hyper-beamed like flame blast they all screeched falling down, without landing the whole time, he landed hard, creating a crater and blowing all the cats away, rising up slowly, he walked pass all the knocked out animals and headed into the room, where his treaure awaited, glowing. And floating. A burger, which he grabbed and quickly scarfed down.

"...Damn, Jonathan's tasty!" Spike grinned.