The Birds and THE BEES

by equestria drifter

Rating: mature
Tags: Cheerilee, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Snips, Other, Snails, Comedy, Sex
Length: 1330

Nick Cage teaches sex education

Nick Cage teaches sex education to Cheerilee's class. Ron Jeremy and Sam Kinison also star in this.

Published 2014-02-07 00:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-07 00:30:03 UTC

NOT THE BEES

It was a shitty morning in Horseville. Cheerelie trotted in, realizing it hadn’t put out its cigarette, rubbed it into Lickaty Split’s head. It’s a good thing horses don’t feel pain (or at least no one gives a fuck).

“Alright horses, today you will learn about the fine and delicate arts of fucking each other’s brains out,” it said enthusiastically. “But not by me, a substitute will be coming in soon because I’m going to kill myself now,” it said putting a revolver in its mouth and painting the walls with its brain. Silence for a few seconds, and then its bowls voided.

“There’s no need to be afraid, Nick Cage is here to brighten up your day!” said a very gutty Sir Lord Nicolas Cage Esq. Applause came from the studio audience.

This got Cage’s knickers in a twist. “Oh, now you pieces of shit applaud me, but when I was KILLING THOUSANDS OF BABIES, FOR THE GOOD OF, well, me, you turned your back on me. YOU KNOW WHAT,” he opened his mouth and shot a beam of light out of it, killing the studio audience.

“All right horse things, where did you guys leave off,” he said a little sadly, almost regretting killing the audience, which contained his last living family members.

“Sex education,” said one of the horses.

“Oh I see how it is,” said Nick Cage, with the vein on his head bulging in anger. “I give up on being in the lead role of Drive Angry 2: Revenge Curse of the Bad Guys, to teach HORSES how to FUCKING FUCK. Isn’t that in you things FUCKING INSTINCTS?”

“Overlord Celestia took all of our horse instincts out of our minds, so it could mold us in its own image,” said Twist.

“I can’t take this anymore,” said Cage. “With the money I would have made from Drive Angry 2, I could have finally afforded a castle in New Jersey. Sure I have plenty of castles all over the world, but I could never afford one in New Jersey. At least, not until the offer to be in that movie came along. But, no, no no; teaching horses how to fuck instead. My whole life, I’ve been working away for one thing, a castle the size of Rhode Island, in the heaven known as New Jersey. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?”

Lickity Split stood in front of Cage, not daring to look his greatness in the eye. “Oh great almighty all powerful Nicolas Cage, kill me if it will sooth your anger.”

Nick Cage didn’t hesitate to pick up the horse and bite its head off. He spat it out, and with a bloody smile on his face, said, “all right, I feel better know. Time to teach you horses how to FUCK. Let me bring in our key note speaker, Mr. Ron Jeremy, whose a pony now for some reason.”

Ron Jeremy pony’s flabby horse body strutted through the door, and the lights automatically dimmed in his presence. His floppy horse dick dragged along the floor.

“All right you filthy horses, now you things are gonna learn how to make sweet, disgusting horse love from the master,” this majestic being said, slicking back his beautiful mullet.

“Ah, this horse corpse will make for a good demonstration. First, you gotta get in the mood.” He picked up the horse corpse, dropped it on the desk, gracefully, and pulled out some cocaine. “I don’t need coke to have a good time; I just love this stuff.” He put some on its ass, and snorted the coke off this ungodly creature’s ass cheek.

“Whoo-hoo-hoo,” he yelled, with some powder on his mustache. He then began jacking off to get his horse dick erect.

“Now that’s funny,” said Cage. “Usually whenever I snort coke, I can’t get an erection for the next couple days.”

Ron Jeremy than began fucking the horse corpse. After a couple hours of primal, ball slapping horse sex, he was done and lit up a cigarette. He wiped the sweat off his brow, and picked up the horse corpse.

“Were you goin’ with that,” said Cage.

“Imma take it with me, I kinda want to get to know it better,” said Ron Jeremy.

“Ron, it’s a fucking dead body.”

“Well, you know; uh, fuck you man.” With that, he walked out.

“All right class, all you really have to know about fucking is the seven steps; drugs, Ron Jeremy, funny faces, funny sounds, regret, abortion, and suicide. Write those down and memorize them, as you will live by those for the rest of your short, shitty horse lives.”

With that, class was dismissed. The horses began to walk out. All but two, who approached the God known as Nicolas Cage. They were the two horribly deformed horses, Snips and Snails.

“Hey man, how long you gonna be in horseville,” one of them said. It doesn’t matter which, because all horses are the same.

“For fucking ever, I guess. Not like there’s any god damn way outta this shithole.”

“No man, you’re in here for life. You could always kill yourself though; I think that’s why that other horse killed itself.”

“Yeah I guess I should kill myself,” Cage said cocking a pistol. “Before I do though, there anything cool down here.”

“Well…there’s Sliggoo, the retarded snail dragon. Oh yeah, there’s also Sam Kinison.”

“Sam FUCKING Kinison! Where is the bastard. Fucker owes me a snort up.”

“He’s in that building over there, but he’s a Phelddagrif now.”

“Phelddagriff? What the fuck is a Phelddagrif?”

“It’s a hippo with wings.”

“That..sounds…FUCKING RETARDED!”

“Yeah, but it sure as shit beats the fuck out of being a damn horse.”

With that, the Cage god made his way to the building. There was a bunch of horses in there, gathered around, listing to the Sam Kinison Phelddagrif. He was greeted by Sliggoo, the cutest fucking Pokemon ever.

“Hey Sliggoo, up top,” Cage put his hand out for Sliggoo to high five. It high fived him, and automatically his hand started dissolving. “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCKING FUUUUCK! I FORGOT THAT THESE THINGS DISOLVED ANYTHING THEY TOUCH.”

His pain was soothed by the sound of Sam Kinison. “So I was trying to get with this horse, who actually thought it was good enough to give itself a name. Rarity or something stupid like that. Well anyways, we fucked like Ron Jeremy and everypony Ron Jeremy fucks (which is everyone who has ever and will ever exist sometime in their lives), since you know, all horses care about is FUCKING. Well anyways, after that, I wanted to get to know it better, and it says that it was only with me for my rubbery, hippo dick. SO I SLIT ITS THROAT AND BURNED DOWN ITS HOUSE! OH, OH OH OOOOOOHHHHHH! *puts on high pitched voice* So here I am telling you things about this because I’m gonna go fucking kill myself.”

Standing ovation.

After all the horses mindlessly wandered out of there, it came to just Nick Cage, Sam Kinison, and Sliggoo.

“Holy shit, Cage, what are you doin’ down here,” said Sam.

“Teaching horses how to fuck. What are you doin’ in this shithole?”

“Well, you see, when I died, I tried goin’ to heaven, but Jesus told me to fuck off. Because APPARENTLY, THE PUSSY DOESN’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. And I was a preacher for fuck's sake. So apparently this is hell, and I’ve been here since 1992. Ah, when the real My Little Pony was on t.v. My only regret is not living to see generation 3.”

“Well I’m sorry; generation 3 was the greatest things to happen to the world since aids. But, you still owe me a snort up.”

“Fuck man, you really think I wouldn’t share some coke with you.” He pulled out a big bag of cocaine and they snorted it; it was the best coke ever.