The Canon Squad

by Final Draft

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 3001

The Canon Squad has a simple duty. If it isn't canon, destroy it.

Some things shouldn't exist, and some things shouldn't happen. It's up to The Canon Squad to make sure Equestria stays devoid of red and black alicorns, humans, and relationships involving a few select mares. The task rarely proves to be easy, but sometimes it can be entertaining.

Coverart by Elric of Melnipony
Chapter One reading by Scribbler

(And be sure to check out my Generic Trilogy...or at least the first two.)

Published 2014-02-07 01:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-10 05:12:35 UTC

Just Another Day

The Everfree Forest is home to all manner of strange and dangerous creatures. Few ponies who wander in seldom make it out, and the ones who do rarely do so in one piece. So it was quite odd to see four ponies having a casual game of Go Fish in one of the darkest places in the forest.

“Got any fours?” one of the stallions asked, looking at the mare to his right.

“Go fish,” the mare said with a grin.

As the stallion went to draw a card from the deck, there came a strange crackling noise from behind the group. They jumped up from their seats and readied their weapons. A ball of energy was pulsating in the middle of the clearing, slowly growing larger. In the middle of the ball, a dark outline appeared.

“Ten bits says this one’s an alicorn,” one of the stallions whispered, aiming down his sights.

“Black and red?” the mare of the group asked.

“Are there any other kind?” he asked, rolling his eyes.

The ball of electricity expanded as the creature within started moving around. All at once, the light disappeared, leaving the forest dark and smelling of burnt flora. The creature that had spontaneously appeared stood with its back to the four ponies.

“I did it! I’m in Equestria!” the creature shouted, raising its hands to the sky.

“Human,” one of the stallions grunted in disgust. “Take it down.”

The other squad members nodded and pulled the triggers of their weapons. Several tranquilizer darts embedded into the human’s back and it let out a shrill scream. It took two steps forward before collapsing to the ground.

“My little pony, my little pony…ahh…ahh…ah,” the human mumbled.

The largest stallion of the group kicked the human onto its back so they could look at its face. “Disgusting,” he said, looking over the creature’s features. “This one’s got more hair on its neck than I do.”

“Come on, let’s tag it and bag it,” the mare said, pushing the stallion out of the way. She held a device with a large yellow tag hanging from it and knelt down by the human’s head. She smiled when she saw the human’s ear already had a sizeable hole in it, and she removed the plastic piece that was plugging it up. She clamped down on the device’s handle and when she released it, the yellow tag was left firmly attached the creature’s ear.

“Yo, Shell, you’re gettin’ good at that,” the large stallion said, admiring the mare’s handiwork.

“It helps when you have to do it a hundred times a day,” Shell replied with mock enthusiasm. “Get this one outta here before the next one comes—And Flak! Take off that ridiculous hat!”

Flak, the small stallion of the group had picked up the human’s fedora and was wearing it atop his head. His horn had ripped clean through the stitching and he struggled to shake it off. The large stallion trotted over and removed the hat, putting it into a large plastic bag labeled “Evidence”.

“Thanks, Tank,” Flak said.

Tank, the large brown pegasus stallion, nodded and tossed the bag aside. The fourth member of the group, Recon, rolled the human into a large bag and zipped it up to the human’s neck. Just as he finished getting the bagged human out of the clearing, another ball of energy appeared.

“Oh come on!” Tank shouted, quickly reloading his tranquilizer gun. The light expanded and disappeared, leaving a red and black alicorn lying on the ground. Before it could even stand up, Tank fired a dart into its neck.

“Oh, why’d you do that? I wanted to hear it monologue,” Flak whined. Tank ignored him and jumped atop the unconscious alicorn. With the precision of a surgeon, he used an electric saw to remove the alicorn’s horn.

“You know, when we first started this, I was gonna make a necklace outta these things,” Tank said, examining the red horn. “But now, I think I have enough to make a statue commemorating my work here.” He tossed the horn into the ever growing pile by their bunker. Next to the table was a pile of fedoras, a pile of alicorn horns, and a small pile of ipods.

Shell tagged the alicorn and allowed Recon to roll it away. “About time for a pick up,” Recon said, throwing the bag into the cage they’d been keeping the others in. The tranquilizers had worn off a couple of the captives and they stared through the cage.

“Bro hoof! Bro hoof!” one of the humans shouted, extending a fist toward Recon. Recon obliged the human, bringing his hoof up and pounding it lightly against the human’s fist. The human then laughed a giddy school filly laugh and Recon had to turn away.

“I don’t understand why they all find that so amusing,” Recon said, rejoining his comrades. They sat back at their table to resume their card game when a light appeared from the trees above. The branches had parted and an actual alicorn descended down upon them.

“About time,” Tank said, standing up to greet the alicorn.

Princess Celestia landed in the clearing and smiled to her elite task force. “How goes the battle?” she asked, looking around.

“About as well as it looks,” Shell said, indicating to the almost over-flowing cage. The few conscious beings in the cage began wildly calling to the princess. Shell shot them with her tranquilizer and turned again to Celestia. “Just why does this keep happening?”

Before Celestia could give an answer, a burst of light appeared in the middle of the clearing. A red and black alicorn faced them and called out to Celestia, “My love!”

“My king! You’ve returned!” Celestia shouted joyously.

“Ah crap, not this again,” Flak said, quickly putting on his sunglasses. The other three did the same and Tank flew in front of Celestia. He removed a device from his pocket and it made a high pitched noise accompanied by a blinding flash of light. Celestia’s pupils went wide and she stood completely still and slack jawed. Recon managed to tranquilize the red and black alicorn before it could use any of its mysterious and powerful magic.

“That was a close one,” Recon said, wiping sweat from his brow.

Tank flapped his wings so he could stay eye level with Celestia. He removed his sunglasses and spoke very clearly to her. “You don’t know this alicorn, you’ve never known this alicorn, and you most certainly don’t love this alicorn.”

“Yes. You’re right,” Celestia said, slowly coming out of the haze. She blinked rapidly and looked around. Shell was busy cutting the horn off the red and black alicorn while Flak brought over a clipboard.

“Number sixty-three,” he said, holding the yellow tag in his hoof. “This is his third offense.” The note on clip board also stated he was the seventh Element of Harmony and Celestia’s lover.

Celestia sighed after finally managing to recover from her stupor. “Right, where were we?” she asked, looking around. The cage of humans was growing restless and several had begun dry humping the bars while staring longingly at the glorious alicorn. She looked at them in disgust and her horn began to glow.

A large portal opened up and Celestia put on a pair of her own sunglasses. She then levitated only the humans out of the cage and held up a device like the one Tank had. It hummed then flashed and the humans all stared blankly at the alicorn.

“You never visited Equestria. Bathe more and get some actual sunlight,” Celestia said. She then cast the humans into the portal and closed it behind them. The red and black alicorns, each more red and black than the last, stared at the princess.

“Where are you gonna send them?” Tank asked.

“I’d like just to destroy them, but unfortunately, they’re immortal, invincible, and overwhelmingly attractive,” Celestia replied dreamily. She quickly composed herself before Tank could lower his sunglasses. “I’ll just send them to the moon, because that’s always worked out so well.”

Another portal opened up and the vacuum of space sucked the alicorns in. When the portal closed, Celestia just shook her head.

“They’ll be back,” Tank said, flipping his chair back onto its legs and taking a seat.

“And we’ll be here waiting,” Shell said, sitting back in her seat. Recon and Flak took up their seats and stared at their princess.

She smiled at them before taking off to the skies. The hole in the trees closed behind her, leaving the four ponies with only a single lantern for light. The quiet of the forest returned and they looked around, expecting it to be interrupted at any moment.

“Uh, Shell, I think it’s your turn,” Flak said, picking up his cards. Right as he finished the sentence, the familiar sound of reality being breached filled the forest.

“Here we go again,” Tank said, raising up his tranquilizer gun.

Author's Note

May or may not have more chapters. So for now, it's a one shot, but you may want to keep an eye on it, just in case I write more.

Alpha Team

“Grab its tail! GRAB ITS TAIL!” Tank shouted as he hung from the jaws of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Flak Jacket was pinned under one of the reptile’s massive claws and completely unable to help. Recon and Shell, both being earth ponies, did the only thing they could do, and that was continue firing their tranquilizers.

The sedatives did nothing to the massive dinosaur; most of the darts simply bounced off of its thick scales. It let out a tremendous roar and snapped several trees with a powerful whip of its tail. Shell managed to duck, but Recon was slammed by the tail and into a tree.

“On second thought: AVOID THE TAIL!” Tank shouted, struggling to remain uneaten. Shell switched from her tranquilizer to her non-canon pistol. The pistol wasn’t technically canon, but it did help against certain non-canon adversaries. She fired at the creature, only angering it further.

“For the love of Celestia, help me!” Flak Jacket shouted from under the T-Rex’s claws. Suddenly, the dinosaur was lifted off of him and suspended in mid-air. Tank managed to escape from its mouth and he flew down to help Flak.

“Having some trouble, are we?” a smug voice asked. A unicorn mare in a white suit walked slowly out of the bushes; her horn glowing the same color as the aura currently levitating the beast.

“We had it under control,” Shell replied angrily.

The unicorn mare simply smiled and looked around at the damaged site. “Sure you did,” she said. Three more white suited ponies walked out from behind her and into the clearing. A unicorn stallion stepped forward and looked at the hovering dinosaur.

“Class 5 prehistoric breach. You should have called us,” he said with a monotone voice. Before any of the squad could say anything, the unicorn stallion’s horn began glowing and a portal opened up. The unicorn mare flung the incapacitated lizard through the portal and it disappeared with a flash of light.

Shell, Tank, Flak, and Recon regrouped and looked at their “saviors”. The four ponies wore matching white suits and sunglasses, similar to the black suits and sunglasses they had. All four of them were unicorns, two mares, two stallions, and they all had a very professional look to them. (They had the air of douchebaggery surrounding them as well.)

“We didn’t need no help from you Alpha Team jokers,” Flak said, brushing his suit off and putting on his sunglasses. The left lens fell out of his glasses and he stood there looking around.

The four members of Alpha Team laughed and stepped forward into the destroyed site. They used their magic to clean up the mess and took their seats at the table. Flak and the others just looked at them angrily.

“You’re dismissed for the day, Delta Team,” one of the Alpha Team mares said, waving her hoof like she were dismissing a child. “Oh, and Miss Casings,” the mare said, pointing to Shell. “Be sure to fill out the necessary forms for discharging your weapon.”

Shell grumbled and sheathed her pistol. She turned her nose up and left the site followed by her fellow squad members. Tank had to support Recon as they walked out of the Everfree Forest.

“I think I broke a rib,” Recon said, wincing with every step.

“I’d heal him, but that magic is apparently non-canon, and then I’d have to do paperwork,” Flak said. Shell mumbled something and kept her head down.

“Just do it,” Tank said, bemusement on his face as well. “I’ve gotta fill out paperwork for the three humans the dinosaur ate.”

Flak sighed and his horn glowed a bizarre mixture of white and black light, similar to television static. Recon winced at first, but as his ribs healed, he was able to stand up straight again.

“Thanks,” he said. “And I’ll help with the paperwork. I had to fill out a hundred forms last week because I went through a human’s music device. One form for every song I listened to.”

“Was there anything good?” Tank questioned curiously.

“Lots of wubs and bass drops.”

“I have no idea what that means,” Tank said.

Delta Team wound up at a large stone cliff and Shell tapped her hoof against it. There was a slight pause before a large crack formed in the wall. A secret door opened and the four ponies walked through it. On the other side of the wall was a large white room with high ceilings and television monitors everywhere. Ponies ran back and forth, and some just stared at the screens taking notes.

“Delta Team” a female voice said softly as they entered. The silhouette of a unicorn mare appeared on the nearest screen. “You’ll find all your forms in the barracks, fill them out and get them filed by the end of the day.”

Without another word, the screen went blank.

“Well, at least she doesn’t sound angry,” Flak said, taking a step toward the barracks.

“She never does,” Shell said, walking ahead of Flak. The angry earth pony stormed off to the mare’s locker room and slammed the door behind her.

“She’s mad,” Flak pointed out.

“Yeah, she doesn’t like the leader of Alpha Team too much,” Tank whispered. “I hear they have a history.”

Recon and Flak hoped for more, but Tank smiled and trotted off to the locker room. On the seats in front of each of their lockers were numerous papers with blank fields waiting to be filled in. Recon scooped them all up and removed an inkwell and quill from his locker.

“Ever seen a gel pen?” Recon asked, not looking up from his work. “Real cool things--write real nice. I got one from a human one time, and I loved it. I made the mistake of filling out forms with it once, though. Had to redo them all AND fill out an additional form for using a non-canon item.”

Tank chuckled and threw open his locker. An impossible number of fedoras fell out and buried the startled pegasus. “What in the hay?!” he asked angrily, sticking his head out of the pile. One of the hats stayed atop his head and a buzzer started sounding.

“CODE RED!” an automated voice rang through the locker room. Four stallions in blue suits burst into the room and approached Tank.

“Non-canon item possession and he’s wearing them,” one of the stallions said, making a mark on a clipboard.

“Buzz off, Beta Team! They’re not mine!” Tank shouted, throwing the fedora off of his head.

“Protocol is protocol,” the stallion replied, passing Tank two blank forms. While Tank stared at the papers angrily, the three other members of Beta Team levitated the fedoras out of the locker room. The stallion with the clipboard nodded to Tank and trotted off.

“Code Green,” the automated voice said, and the buzzing stopped.

“I know those hats are kinda cool, but you had to have known—”

“They are not cool, and I told you, they’re not mine!” Tank shouted, interrupting Flak. The pegasus turned back to his locker and saw a single slip of paper that was out of place. There was a big letter A stamped on it in a fancy font.

“Alpha Team is really pushing it,” Recon said, looking at the paper.

Tank slammed his locker shut and crumpled up the paper. A moment after that, the building’s buzzer started sounding again. Flak opened up the locker room’s door and saw Beta Team gallop into the mare’s locker room.

“Looks like they got Shell too,” Flak said. Shell herself burst out of her locker room and into the stallion’s locker room. “Whoa! You can’t be here!” Flak shouted as Shell pushed past him. There were a few plastic tubes with the word PLAYTEX tangled up in her mane, and a Beta Team member followed her, picking them out.

“THIS MEANS WAR!” Shell shouted to her fellow squad members.

“It sounds like you’re going to need one of these,” the Beta Team stallion said with a grin. He held out one of the Playtex packages for Shell and she glared at him. “Oh, but then you’d have to fill out a form for that too—UGH!”

The stallion fell to the ground after Shell bucked him in the chest with her powerful legs. She stood there breathing heavily, looking to her frightened squad members. When they didn’t say anything, she trotted out the door and back into the mare’s locker room. The Beta Team stallion simply lay on the floor, writhing in pain.

“Well,” Recon said at last, “I’ll help her with her forms later. Much, much later.”

Author's Note

Oh yes, this is no simple one shot. There is a massive story to tell now!