Screw the rules we're on a road trip.

by Ssendam the Masked

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 40834

Evil cosplaying humans go on a road trip round Equestria.

Not all humans who arrive in Equestria are friendly. Sometimes, they're total assholes.
Sometimes, they're trolls. Like these guys.

When you're two dudes who are cosplaying as Tobi and Yoshimitsu and are labelled Public enemies 1 and 2, sometimes, you just gotta go on a road trip.

Loosely inspired by F*ck it I'm having fun. Pic drawn by Genbu, who's kind of the coolest.

Edit: Huh, featured on 5 May 2014. Wasn't expecting this.

Published 2014-02-08 04:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-07 10:16:43 UTC

SURPRISE!

SURPRISE!

Tobi's P.O.V

I groaned within the skin tight prison I was in. When you have to stand still for a thousand years, fully conscious, you have to understand how boring that gets. Before our unfortunate circumstances, I could barely sit still, and now I was filled with pent up energy. Still, at least I could talk to my cell mate with my mind. So that was a blessing in disguise as far as I was concerned.
Hey, Sempai. You think we'll get out now?
I don't doubt it, Tobi.

Well, the two of us were waiting for our big break. Our stage debut, as it were. I think that we had about the rest of eternity to just sit here in stone, just watching everything. Still, we did have some awesome poses- Yoshimitsu, posing with his sword overhead in right hand, left hand extended outward with his arm straight, while I just did an air hump while flipping the bird. I was always the vulgar one of our little duo.

Suddenly, I heard voices.
Hey, Sempai. We've got a tour group! Wanna play the Insult Game?
You're damn right I want to play the insult game. Can't do anything else.

"Alright, class, now can any pony tell me what this statue is?" There's some plum coloured mare there. Looks like a plain one. Huh, I never got that. I mean, Pegasus and unicorns have the advantage in just about every way, so why did the plain ones stay? Are they hiding something. Behind her, there's a gaggle of school children. Or is a group of school children called a giggle? Meh. I spotted a suitably goofy fat one with a pair of scissors for a Butt Tattoo and start the game.
Hey, fatty fatty! Lay off the chips! Yeah, we just insult tour groups now. Oh how the mighty hath fallen. When we were free, through a series of hilarious misunderstandings and fights, we were regarded as Public Enemies 1 and 2. Now we're just the slacker roommates who can't pay rent because we spent it on pot. In another thousand years, we'd be hobos or something.

Besides, we're statues. They can't hear us.

The plum coloured mare isn't talking about us. Even within twenty years of our being frozen in stone, they never talked about us much. Instead, she's talking about the mishmash of body parts that speaks in the voice of John de Lancie. I shrugged in my mind and turned to the three without Butt Tattoes.
Hey, you lot! Your mothers were hamsters, and your fathers all stank of elderberries!
Yo mommas are so fat, they got their own zip codes!
May you munch on some carpet! I fart in your general direction! Just then, the pink one made a vaguely insulting comment to the three, so naturally, we started insulting her.
Hey, you little pink bitch! Why so mean?
Just because you're rich don't mean you can just stomp on the un butt tattoed!
Yeah, we're hypocrites. What're you going to do about it?

Oh, it seemed as if there was a fight happening now. We took one look at the teachers face and spent about five minutes laughing our asses off. It seemed that she'd seen a lot of these fights before, as her face just screamed, 'I am so over this shit.' While we were laughing, we felt the old bastard stir. Well, he was always stirring in his prison cell, as were we, but this time, he stirred with purpose. Thanks to the un butt tattoed, he was getting out, and we were just waiting around, hoping that we would get freed. But we both knew that, thanks to a combination of our own blind bad luck, our attitude and the tendency for destruction to follow us around like an overprotective mother in a red light gay bar, we were lucky to not simply executed.

"Ms Cherrilee? What does that statue represent?" The teacher, who I decided to call Cheer Lee, smiled at the student. With a start, I realised that she was talking about us! I mentally nudged Yoshimitsu, but failed to elicit a response.
"This statue represents madness and delirium, that causes disaster to everything."
Sempai, she's got our number.
Quiet you. She could hear us. I knew a teacher who could read your mind from across a full school hall.
That was your mother.
She was psychic. It was proven scientifically.

A few minutes after the group left, the old bastards statue shattered around him, and he stretched, causing his joints to click, clack, and fire machine guns. We couldn't blink, because we were statues.
Hey, Discord. Mind letting out your fellow inmates? We'd do the same for you, right, Tobi? I mentally nodded my assent.
"Just a moment, you crazy bastards. Now," here his eyes gleamed, "normally, I'm adverse to planning. But sometimes-" he snapped his fingers, and we shuddered as we felt cracks appear, "-you gotta be more predictable to be unpredictable. You're plan B now. You'll be released should there be a sufficient explosion of love energy, which might be likely with Celestia's adorable little pink niece. Ciao ciao, amigos." With that, he turned into a taco and exploded into a cloud of frogs.
Crazy old bastard.
Not much we can do about it, Sempai. While we waited for this...impossible event, I felt my mind drift, back to how this all began...

Tobi's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"Muguu..." I winged from my position in the back seat. Normally, I was the driver, but today, I was just barely sitting still, fiddling with my pimpin' costume. I mean, this was the first con where I'd dressed up, so I'd put a lot of effort into my costume. Next to me, my friend, Joe, groaned.
"Hey, Toby. Mind getting me some more ice? I feel like a fucking steak on a barbie." I complied, glad to have something to do with my hands. I'm a fidgeter, me. Don't like sitting still much at all. I was pretty hot myself, but at last my skin could breath in my costume. Joe, in his full glory, looked downright suicidal, sitting here in 40 degree Adelaide summer heat, wearing a full suit of armour. I was faring better, and Michael, our driver, was caring the best. The fuck didn't want to cosplay, instead just wearing a white shirt and blue jeans, the lazy costume of an L cosplayer. Apart from the mascara for the baggy, dark eyes, and the messy black hair, of course.

I was dressed as Tobi from Naruto. For a guy who'd never cosplayed in his life, my costume was pretty good. I'd bought the Akatsuki coat at the last con, and I'd pimped it out a bit. I know a guy who's a dab hand with a needle and thread, and he'd managed to get this thing to be comfortable and practical- there were so many pockets in this thing, it was like a commando vest turned inside out. The trousers were a nice shade of lilac, and the ninja shoes looked pimpin' as all hell. I personally liked the mask the best- not some cheap plastic mask, but a really nice one made of carved wood. Anybody who really looked into my eyehole would be greeted with the sight of a Sharingan looking back at them. It was a nice touch.

Josh, on the other hand, made his costume almost entirely from scratch. He'd hunted down some old Master Chief armour, took away the breast plate, upper arm guards and some shinguards, and spray painted them a pale, almost grey green. For the gloves, he'd found some old black leather gloves, and superglued on some plastic plates. He'd found some old military surplus boots, coloured them the same shade, and made detachable lace cover thingies. The helmet, he boasted to anybody who listened, was a custom designed, 3D printed graphene helmet he'd printed and made himself. The mouth even opened so that he could eat things with it. The sword was a katana that he'd bought at the con two years back on a spree, which he'd peace bond when he got to the con. It was a shame, as the sword was painted a bright, neon green that really looked like it was from the game.

Wh were finally at our chosen target- the Adelaide Convention Centre. I turned to my friend.
"You ready for this?" Josh snorted, already putting his helmet back on.
"I'm always ready." With that, we stepped out of the car to face our destiny.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, present day.

We'd been waiting for about three months. Normally, we'd have gone to sleep, or done something else in our heads, but now that Discord had given us a chance, we were chomping at the bit to go. Chomping at the bit... what an appropriate expression to use in a world of miniature horses. Beside me, Tobi was whining.
Sempai, when do we get out? I'm bored.
seek patience, young one, lest you be snapped up. I replied, keeping a shit eating grin in in my head.
Why are you always so mean to me, Sempai? Before I could reply, we felt something change in the prison, as a wave of pink magic washed over the area.
Oh yeah, there were all these black bug pony things around. No big deal. The important thing was, our prison cell was crumbling.
"Sempai! We're free! Free!" I grunted, lowering my arm and moving my shoulder around a lot. Staying in one position could have cramped me up badly. Next to me, Tobi was running around like a demented schoolboy, touching every single statue he could get his grubby little hands on. I walked over and swatted him.
"Sempai, why are you so mean to me?"
"Because you are my kohai and I have to teach you some respect." He perked up a tiny bit.
"So, what do you want to do now, Sempai?" I rubbed the chin of my mask, pondering my answer. We could always cause chaos, but that was what we'd done when we'd arrived. Not, exactly, our fault, you understand- it was simply whatever happened to us ended up exploding in our faces all the time.

Just then, we heard voices. On some unanimous decision, we jumped back onto our pedestal and reassumed our thousand year positions.
"Good to hear that all of this is over now. Right, where's the cake?" The two ponies who were walking around looked like chefs of some sort. They didn't even glance up at us.
"The cake? Oh, still at the bakery." I glanced over at Tobi. He nodded. An one, we took to silently shadowing the pair, going to the bakery with them. We were going to surprise the heck out of the guests at the reception with this one.
"Remember, no Russian."
"Got it, Sempai."

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"Okay, so how much for this sword?" I wanted that sword pretty badly. The thing would perfectly complement the rest of my costume. I didn't know what they'd done to the model wakizashi to make it look so much like my own, but it almost looked like it was made of light. Plus, the little jewels studded along its length lit up, like they had little less in them. The sword vendor rattled off a price, and I parted with some of my hard earned cash.
"Hey, Yoshimitsu! Check this out!" I turned to Toby, who was shoving his hand in my face.
"Check it." On his left thumb, he'd bought this little crystal ring that kind of looked like Tobi's. It shone with a cool purple light.
"Cost about fifty bucks. What a ripoff, I know, but it looks so cool!"
"Fifty bucks? Really? For a ring that you'll probably lose." Tobi just rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.

"That ring... it's the exact colour of Twilight Sparkle." Behind my helmet, I scowled. Creepy brony fucker. I turned around, and beheld the gigantic ham beast. Seriously, this guy was every single offensive neck beard stereotype rolled into one- fat, pony shirt, dressed like a schoolgirl and holding a pony body pillow at his side. He directed his piggy eyes at my sword.
"How did you get a katana that is coloured exactly like Applejack's eyes?"
"Dude, I'm Yoshimitsu, not an alcoholic drink." Body Pillow wasn't listening and tries to steal my sword.
"It's perfect..." I was more than a little disturbed by the dribble coming out of his mouth.
"Get your greasy fat fingers off my katana, you fat fuck!"
"Give it here!" Hambeast was now sweating profusely. It disturbed me. I could smell cum, Cheetos and cheap aftershave on his fat, sweaty hands. With a final wrench, I tore my wakizashi away from him, accidentally slamming into Tobi.
"You're a seriously fucking creepy dude. No way am I giving you my Sasori ring." It seems that Tobi was being harassed by another hambeast. I looked around. We were being surrounded by creepy hambeasts, all looking at us with fury and lust in their eyes. With a gargantuan effort, I held my sword out.
"GO THE FUCK AWAY!" We screamed in unison, attempting to repel the hambeast horde. My sword and his ring glowed, and suddenly we were falling backwards.

Celestia's P.O.V, present day.

Everything was going perfectly. Despite the invasion of the Changeling Queen and her brood, the power of love had finally repelled the Changelings. Even though I did lose, it was only so that others could beat her in a more conclusive manner than a stun blast to the face. Sure, it might have worked, but sometimes it had to be more... conclusive. I watched the proceedings with joy in my heart. It was always a miracle, what love could accomplish. No matter what, love would always come through, like friendship.

Speaking of friendship, my faithful student and her friends were apologising. I already felt guilty enough for blowing Twilight's concerns off. My inadvertent betrayal stung both of us deeply. Still, there was always cake for that. Beside me, Luna watched in trepidation. Just as the cake was wheeled in, one of the guards came up, panting. I reluctantly tore my eyes from the cake, and gave Luna a silent signal to continue watching the festivities. Whatever this was, I was obliged to listen to one of my guards.

"What is it, my little pony?" He got his breath back quickly.
"Princess, we were just patrolling through the gardens, and it seems as if a statue is... missing."
That's not good.
"Which statue has gone missing?" The guard looked at me.
"We believe it to be the statue of madness-"
"SURPRISE!" The awful, awful sound of two voices that I'd never expected to hear again rang out, along with a 'splodge' sound. My heart stopped beating. I looked in the direction of the cake, not believing the evidence of my own ears.

Standing tall and proud, covered in icing and scraps of cake, were two tall, Minotaur-like figures. One of them was wearing an orange, swirling mask with a black and red coat, while the other was clad in grey armour with a sword. I face hoofed.
Of all the POSSIBLE worst things to happen on this occasion, it HAS to be those two?!

Author's Note

I regret nothing, for I am an Immaculate Egret.

Screw you guys, we're leaving.

Tobi's P.O.V, Present Day.

I laughed as the ponies around us screamed. From what I could see, most of them were stuck up assholes who probably had some sort of sick fetish back home. That's what poor people like us have, what with the Internet and all, so why should the rich be any different? Beside me, Yoshimitsu hopped around on one leg, rolling his head at the passersby.
"NAMU!" It sounded really scary with the magical voice distorter that he had going on in his helmet. It looked like fun, so I joined in.
"BANZAI! BANZAI!" A sizzling bolt of blue magic came at us, but I escaped the blast by jumping onto a screaming noble's head, then hopping onto the ground.

"Ah, why did you do that?" In response, the dark blue wingie horsie snorted at us.
"Thou hast the audacity to ask that, Delirium?" I blinked in confusion at that.
"Delirium? Look, lady, you got the wrong guy. I'm Tobi!" To clarify, I waved a hand around myself, indicating my clearly being Tobi, not this 'Delirium' tosser.
"Thine name may have been Tobi a thousand years past, but many ponies here know you by the label of 'Delirium.' You earned it, after all." Luna looked a little sick. "And you may be keeping your title for a while yet." In response, I wiggled my fingers at her face, while letting the blast she fired at me next phase through me harmlessly. If I didn't want to get harmed, then I just let things go through me. The gasp from every single pony present that I just ignored one of their sovereigns laser blasts sounded hilarious. Unfortunately, I had business to do.
"Wait, you called me 'Delirium?' When was I called that?" Celestia piped up.
"You were called that about five hundred years later, by a professional sculptor."
"And Yoshimitsu? What did you call him, the hunter?" Luna glared at Yoshi, who waved at her cheerily.
"He is Madness, the rage that dwells within those who seek to destroy."
"Sounds fucking awesome, but the name is Yoshimitsu. It's the name that I took when I got here."

Deciding to head off the pass, I spoke with the Bat Princess.
"Look, Lulu, obviously you've been smoking too much pot lately. That's cool. We would have smoked pot, had we not been statues." Yoshimitsu chimed in with his bit.
"Yeah, seriously, a thousand years as some crummy statue? And being fully conscious the whole time? Not cool, lady." She looked at him.
"You're dancing on our subjects heads, you know. Or didst thou forget that while talking to Us?" Huh. Was he really? I looked over. He was indeed, jumping from one head to another. Stomping on the bourgeoisie- Lenin would be so proud.
"That's just my way. Besides, a thousand years being fully conscious does a bloody wonder for your psyche, my dear." I chimed in.
"We humans have a saying: Madness is like gravity- all it takes is a little... push." I nodded sagely, pleased to be dispensing the wisdom of the Sainted Heath Ledger (may God rest his soul.) Luna looked confused. I expected her to be- she was the princess that Equestria deserved, not the one that it needed.

"Um, Princess?" I turned around. There was a purple unicorn looking at me with an expression that screamed lots of things. Her face said things like, 'what is going on,' 'who are these dudes,' and my personal favourite, 'I don't know that quotation.' I laughed at her. She looked hilarious. I don't know why. She just did.

She seemed offended.
"What in the name of the Princesses' is so funny?" She demanded, getting all up in my grill. In response, I fell on my ass while retreating. It was a valid response. Yoshimitsu jumped back onto the cake, squishing it a bit (I heard Mighty Whitey give a small groan.)
"You. You're trying to intimidate Tobi." I giggled, pleased that my Sempai was explaining. Of course, Purple Smart just looked more confused.
"Why would he not be frightened?" Yoshimitsu sat down, spun around, and teleported right onto her back, causing her to recoil in horror. Hardly missing a step, he bounced onto the ball of his left foot as he explained.
"Tobi is a fucking fearless sunnuvabitch. This guy walked up to the Princesses and demanded a sandwich." I pouted behind my mask.
"Sempai, I'm bored."
"I am too, kohai." Purple Smart looked confused at our Japanophilic behaviour. Yoshimitsu and I turned to Mighty Whitey, and in unison, we said, "This wedding is boring, we're leaving."

Twilight's P.O.V, Present Day.

I stared at the two strange creatures as they just kept talking in gibberish. They were like two Pinkie Pie's, only taller, male and apparently dangerous enough to warrant the Elements of Harmony. I charged a simple, basic stunner and fired it at the green one, who simply turned around and-
Wait a minute.
I stared, open mouthed, as he simply pulled out his sword and cut through my spell like it was some sort of arrow, the two halves spreading out and hitting Prince Blueblood and some random noble. This time, the gasp was mainly from me and my friends.
"How could he have just cut through a spell like that?" I stammered out, shocked at how easily he'd destroyed my spell.
"Oh, how unfortunate..." I heard Rarity gush in mock sympathy for Blueblood. The green creature, with its malformed head just... kept grinning.
"Nice little sneak attack." That horrible, horrible distorted voice cut through me like a knife.
"Sempai! That was so awesome!"
"My skills are only equal to the gods themselves, as long as I have my swords with me." The impish Tobi nodded.
"Oh, sempai, you should really be more humble." There was that word again. Sempai. It bugged me, like an odontalgia.
"Um, excuse me, but what is a, um, 'Sempai?'" They stared at me. I shuffled back a bit from their accusing glare.

"It doesn't matter what it means, Twilight. If the Princesses themselves think that they're a danger, then we've gotta keep them here at any cost." Applejack, bless her, reminded me of the crux of the problem. I planted my hooves in an aggressive stance, and flared my horn up, already choosing some choice spells.
"I am Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic. Behind me are my friends. We have defeated far greater threats than yourselves before, and we'll defeat you again!" Before I could finish, Rainbow Dash swooped back.
"Yeah! You got that, you big clowns? We'll buck you into next week!" Tobi turned to Yoshimitsu.
"Hey, you think that's-"
"Yep, looks like the colours are all right."
"Wow, I'd have thought that his descendants would be unicorns, not pegasi."

Rainbow Dash seemed to take offence to that.
"And who would that be?" Tobi coughed.
"You look like Star Swirl the Bearded's descendant." My horn dimmed down as my brain tried to process that statement. Rainbow Dash was descended from Star Swirl the Bearded? Rainbow Dash was descended from Star Swirl the Bearded.
"I... whuh... memememewat?" My cerebral cortex was apparently malfunctioning. Tobi and the other one just looked at each other, nodded, and bolted. I shook my head, distressed that they'd chosen such an easy distraction. Still, this warranted an investigation.

Yoshimitsu seemed to be the faster one, in spite of his body armour. He just jumped over the nobles, walking over them with incredibly quick and graceful hoof steps. Rainbow Dash seemed to be chasing after him, without much success. Every charge she tried, he simply jumped over. It was starting to annoy her. Unfortunately, Yoshimitsu was proving pretty hard to capture. He taunted her, goading her to slam into a wall and laughing at her. He was treating it as a big game, and with his skill, it might as well have been a game.

Tobi, on the other hand, was a different story, simply because of that annoying spell of his. His unique spell seemed to allow him to move out of synch with the rest of reality, almost being like a ghost as he flitted through the crowd. Anypony who got in his way was simply phased through, with no ill effects. The Princess hovered overhead, afraid to shoot a thaumic lance into the crowd for fear of injuring one of her subjects in the crossfire.

What really annoyed me was how... childish these beings were. At least Discord took most of everything seriously, but these clowns were just messing around. Something had to be done, but it was going to be hard with the nobles in the way...
Hang on a minute. Closing my eyes, I focused on the nearby street. My horn built up charge, glowed with power... then, in a flash, the entire population of noble ponies within the building was teleported outside. Yoshimitsu crashed to the floor and rolled to avoid Rainbow's latest flyby, while Tobi just looked around, confused. I smirked. This Cutie Mark wasn't for show, you clowns.
"Where'd all the bourgeoisie go?" I lifted an eyebrow at the word.
"Don't know, sempai." Princess Celestia, in spite of her injury, walked forwards calmly.
"You have caused a lot of destruction and terror for a couple of so-called 'innocents.' Maybe you should explain yourselves?" In response, Tobi gripped Yoshimitsu. Celestia, in a rare moment of absolute panic, tried to reach them, but-
"Doton: Hiding like a Mole spell!"
- they disappeared into the ground like a Diamond Dog.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"Guh..." I moaned, stretching and sitting up. Beside me, Toby woke up with an eloquent sentence:
"What in the holy burning crotch of Mary Mother of Jesus with gonorrhoea was that?" I chuckled.
"Nice swear." Toby huffed, removing his mask and wiping off sweat.
"Seriously, what happened? One minute, we're surrounded by more ham than a meat aisle in the Christmas season, and the next, we're... wherever this is." I removed my helmet for a better look, and my jaw fell slack.

Surrounding us was a real creepy forest, like something out of a video game or fairy tale. Dark green leaves, large amount of grass, no visible path... it was like some sort of invisible giant had plucked us from the con and placed us here. I goggled at it all with Toby.
"It's beautiful." With that comment, I forcefully snapped myself out of it.
"Yes, and it's dangerous as well. We don't even know where we are. Do you have your phone?" Toby searched his pockets, at first confidently, then frantically.
"Shit. Whoever took us must have taken my phone." He pulled out his wallet and opened it.
"They left a bloody fifty in here. And my credit card's still present. Why ignore that and take a crappy old iPhone?" I shrugged.
"Beats me."
"Hey, do you have yours?" I dug my hands into my pockets, probing. No luck- apparently, my wallet and keys weren't important, but my phone was.

Toby ran a hand through his hair.
"Oh, god, we're really fucked, aren't we?" I looked him in the eye.
"Toby-" I didn't finish, as I saw what else had been left.
"...What?"
"Your ring."
"My ring?"
"Yes, your hundred dollar rip off ring. Why didn't they take that?" Toby examined his left hand. Sure enough, the ring was still on his left thumb. He blinked.
"Huh. How'd that happen?" I was about to respond, when I remembered something else about him.
"Your eyes are red."
"Yes, they're called contacts mate."
"Well, they look... more red. Like, they're a part of your eye now or some shit." Toby rolled his eyes, the little pinwheels in them spinning as he did so.
"Relax, I'll take them-" his voice died out when he discovered that his eyes had apparently absorbed his contacts. He looked at me.
"Well, fuck."
I couldn't agree more.

Author's Note

I would really like of somebody could draw some decent cover art for this. I mean, it's appropriate, but really. I want a suitably goofy looking picture of Tobi air-humping while Yoshimitsu is all mysterious and badass. That'd be the most appropriate cover image.

Visions of the past: Villainification part 2.

Stalwort Heart's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"By the Princesses'..." I heard one of the guards murmur, awestruck by the new natural landmark that now graced the Everfree Forest.
But for my new position as squad leader, I would have said the same thing. What was etched indelibly into the landscape was a scar of almost incomparable power. Only the Princesses' themselves could possibly stand against the foul sorcerer that carved this river in the landscape.

Although it was only a small trickle, the gaping chasm was still there- and that was what worried me. There wasn't a lake around here for about two miles. For some magical blast to travel all that distance and redirect that water this way... why, twas almost unthinkable! Had the tyrant Discord not been prominently displayed in the courtyard of Canterlot, I might have believed that the tyrant was back for more rampant destruction. I shuddered; the scars of Discord would not go away so easily. I could still remember the screams, as Discord forced ponies to fight rabid animals for his amusement.

I shook my head, clearing my dark thoughts. The Royal Guard had a duty to find whatever magic user was willing to cause such a threat. I flared my horn, and jumped over, scanning the undergrowth for threats.
"Sir, I have found some tracks!" I turned. Ah, the tracker. His name was Chestnut Hoof, and he possessed a talent for hunting escaped animals and hunting them down. The Guard armour didn't fit too well on the lanky earth pony; I made a mental note to have it refitted. I trotted over to him.
"There are two sets, sir. They left marks most unusual- not hoof prints, or paw prints, but something more... peculiar." He indicated the curious tracks in question.

I squinted at them. They were shaped like some sort of malformed oval, with a clear distance between them. It superficially resembled a paw print, but it was too flat, with strange grooves in it. What manner of creature left tracks like these? I glanced at Chestnut. If even he didn't know, then this was even more dangerous. Mayhaps it might be one of Discord's malformed creatures, seeking revenge for its imprisoned master. If that were so, then by the Princesses, I would not rest until this beast shared the same fate as its master.

"AAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!" I whipped my head around to the source of the noise. That might be a pony in trouble! I signalled to the other members of the squad, and we galloped off to the source of the disturbance. Who knows, the pony may have discovered our missing fugitive.

Tobi's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"AAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!" I screamed, running as quickly as I could away from the angry wasps. Wasp attacks were a personal fear of mine- I mean, the bastards never stop stinging you! Plus, I had a recurring nightmare as a kid, that a giant wasp would sting me until I died. It was a terrifying dream.

My screams died down for a bit as I remembered something important: I had Kamui! Grinning underneath my mask, I activated the ability, feeling a bit of strain in my right eye. Then, a leaf stuck to me and a wasp stung my ass. I forgot that it was actually harder to Kamui if something was stuck to you, and with something on it as well, well, that just added insult to injury.
"OOOOOOOWWWWW! THE PAIN! IT HURTS SO MUCH!" I screamed, redoubling my running efforts and swatting at my backside furiously to kill the wasp. Next to me, Josh was running along, swinging his sword around in an attempt to redirect the wasps wrath elsewhere. I mean, sure he had armour on, but there were still areas where there was cloth, where some enterprising wasps were already trying to sting.
We burst into a cleared area and kept running. Had we not been chased by wasps, we would have noticed that we were now on a road. We didn't care, because wasps. Seriously, wasps are a most righteous thing to fear. Everybody hates wasps- they're all evil and shit. So you can imagine our surprise when we ran into a small village surrounded by a wall of wood, screaming like maniacs.

Clay Pot's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

I was just getting to making a pot when I heard the sound of screaming. I didn't pay the noise any heed at all, seeing as it might be some colts just fooling around. Beside me, helping with stacking the large chunks of clay that made up my livelihood, was my adorable daughter, White Glaze. She wanted to help me with my work, and imagine my surprise when she was discovered to have a talent for baking!
"Mother dearest, would it be possible for myself and my friends to go out for some wild festivities? I have already made many sweetened dishes already!" I smiled.
"Of course, but right now we have work that must be done." I picked up a lump of clay and set it on the wheel, and began to pedal. The wheel spun, and I poured water over it. With it sufficiently wet, I began moulding the clay into an efficient pot.

The simple act of making a piece of pottery is a magic that no unicorn scholar, for all their letters, could ever understand. And I am glad of it, for unicorn pots are shallow, flimsy things. They don't understand the way of the clay, unfortunately. If you want a sturdy pot, buy an earth pony one. Pottery is one of the arts that is for earth ponies, like farming and animals.

"AAAHH! KILL THEM! KILL THE-HE-HEM!!!" I glanced up, startled. Those colts were really persistent, weren't they. Grumbling, I stopped pedalling; I was certainly not going to be able to work with all this racket.
"Come along, dear. I pray thee, associate yourself not with such ruffians, as their fun is at the expense of others. Furthermore, they are highly likely to grow up to be-"
It was at that moment that the world exploded.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

Civilisation at last! I wasn't feeling as tired as I know I should be, given that I'd run so fast over such a distance. Must be the adrenalin talking to my body, making me less tired and stuff. But I couldn't stop now; the wasps still persisted. I gripped my sword, feeling it swing through the air. I sure hope that it wouldn't accidentally do something again.

Beside me, Toby was reacting in a calm, sensible and adult manner.
"AAAHH! KILL THEM! KILL THE-HE-HEM!!!" I ignored him and kept running. Wasps were the least of our concerns- who lived in a town like this, Bavarians? Did they even speak English? These were questions that flitted through my mind as I ran forwards. I charged forwards, sword spinning in hand, and unleashed a more minor blast accidentally.
"Oh, shit."

Clay Pot's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

I watched in horror as the gate was wrought asunder by a blast of green magic, a crescent arc of energy that impacted with the middle of the town square. Fortuitously, no pony was there, but the huge ditch that was created sprung up clean water. I watched in shock as two monstrous beasts charged through the hole, the source of the guttural screaming now made clear.

The first one looked like a demon from Tartarus. It wore some sort of lower garment on its hind legs, with its greyish green hooves looking practically malformed, so long were they. It wore no shirt on its upper body, and its head was flat and wide, like a plate was stuck to its skull. Its horrible, skull-like face grinned out at the world. In its hand it held a glowing sword, of unidentifiable make, which it swished about its person while screeching, a horrible, discordant voice that set teeth on edge. It unleashed some sort of battle cry:
"Oh, shit."

The one behind it was almost as bad. Rather than having green skin, it was apparently orange. It had a swirling orange face, with only one eye; or was it a mouth? It had a black, spiky mane on its head, perched on there with no thought. It wore a long, black coat, with red cloud designs on it. Its legs seemed to be of the same style as its companion, and it sprinted forwards, seemingly intent on fighting with anything that got in its way.

Beside me, my daughter huddled, and I could not find it in my heart to blame her for her lack of heart. The creatures seemed to be running from something. They ignored every single pony, and charged into the nearest house, pushing open the doors and slamming them shut. It was then that I heard the angry buzzing of wasps. I screamed, grabbing my daughter and bolting for the nearest house, trying to avoid the swarm of violent insects.

Tobi's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"Haaah....haaah..." I panted, trying to regain my breath. Beside me, Josh seemed to be having a panic attack.
"Hey... haah... dude... what's the problem?" I wheezed out. Josh looked at me.
"Where are the people in this village? I mean, all I've seen are some multicoloured horses." I shrugged.
"Maybe they're off somewhere, maybe at a local hillbilly hoedown." Josh nodded.
"Perhaps." Just then, a horse opened the door somehow, ploughed in, and closed it. It then seemed to realise something. It turned to us, shakily.

Now that I looked at, maybe 'horse' is the wrong word to use. Pony seemed more accurate. But it was no pony that I'd seen. For one thing, its caramel eyes were too big- like, they were about half the size of its head. It had a terra-cotta hued hide, with a brown mane and tail. Curiously, it had a... butt tattoo, depicting a cay pot. I looked at it.
"Man, this is one fucked up pony."
"W-what manner of beast are you, that thou can just talk without a mouth?" I blinked. Beside me, Josh fell back.
"Josh."
"Yeah?"
"The horse talks."
"Pony."
"Whatever."

Just then, the door burst in, and a white horse in armour fell through. He took one look at us, then glared. I noted that he had a horn on his head, while the brown pony didn't. Was that racist or something?

"Foul villains! Thou may have led us on a most merry chase, but it is here that thine route ends!" His horn glowed blue, like his eyes.
"What dost thou have to say to us, villain, knave, thou who hast destroyed a town square in the Equestrian plains? What say you now?"
"...Sorry, what?"

Stalwort Heart's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"...Sorry, what?" I glared at the villains, outraged at their impudence.
"Art thou touched in the head? Thou hast destroyed much in thine mad rampage, unleashed a swarm of wasps on the citizens of this fair town, and thou hast the audacity to ask, 'what thine crimes are?' Thou villains have disturbed the peace, too, with thine mad caterwauling-"
"Wait, hang on, Inspector Lestrade." The green one spoke up, I think. It was hard to tell with its face. "We didn't unleash a swarm of wasps on anybody!" Now it was my turn to be confused.
"Art thou implying that the wasps weren't thine own fault?" The orange one piped up. "Yes, we accidentally disturbed two wasps' nests, and ran away from them because we didn't want to get stung, that's all." I rubbed my chin, contemplating.
"The caterwauling?"
"Terror. Nobody wants to get stung by bees."
"It's nopony," I corrected. The orange one tilted its head.
"Nopony. Rrriiiigght." He turned to the green one.
"We are completely innocent of inflicting a swarm of wasps on you... ponies." But there was one final crime I had to ask about.
"What about the rampant destruction? The new river, the lake in the centre of this fine village?" The green one looked at his sword guiltily.
"Um, yeah, that was me. It was an accident." I froze. Then, with a voice like steel, I said,
"So, you release such powerful magic that the landscape itself is carved on accident? I find that hard to believe, knave." Orange piped up.
"It's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing BUT the truth!" He clasped his... appendages together, interlocking the strange claws for emphasis.

With a groan, the house's timbers twisted and distorted, growing leaves and strange arms, seemingly under something else's control. I swiftly ran outside, to watch as every single house grew legs, tearing apart the very earth around them as timbers warped around, like they were alive again.

Inside, the orange one looked at its paws in amazement.
"I did not mean to do that." I had heard enough lies for one day.
"STAND YOUR GROUND, KNAVE! THOU SHALT BE ARRESTED, UNDER THE NAMES OF THE PRINCESSES CELESTIA AND LUNA, TO BE JUDGED BY THEM AS SUCH! RESIST MINE AUTHORITY, AND THOU WILL BE DESTROYED!" With that, I charged in, already readying a thalamic lance.
"Wait, waitwaitwaitwait! I can still fix this-"
"RAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

Author's Note

Soon, we shall get back into the main action in the present day. Now, you can see how they were first interpreted as villains.

The grand escape, and the start of the road trip!

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, present day.

I remained silent as Tobi just swam through the ground, dragging me along like a sack of potatoes. Or maybe I was like dog food, I don't know. Whatever. While Tobi was busy pulling me, I spoke.
"Tobi, we get freakishly lucky most of the time, but we're going to need more than luck. We're actually going to need to escape this place, which is going to be incredibly difficult. I mean, did you see the bubble thing? That complicates the escape plan. Any ideas?" Tobi shook his head. Then he paused.
"Do you have any ideas?"
"A couple." Tobi pondered this with a sage wisdom.
"Sempai, I think that we need to get above ground before you tell me about the idea. Hang on..." He bobbed his head for a couple of seconds, feeling the magical resonance of the earth to find ponies.
"House above us is empty. Must have all gone to the wedding." With that, he pulled us up.

We burst through the stone floor of the house, where, true to Tobi's word, nobody was home yet. I brushed some dirt off my armour and turned to Tobi. "Alright, I have a plan to get us out of here."
"Will it involve fire, Sempai? I do so love fire!" I shook my head.
"Only if we really need fire." Tobi slouched.
"Get your Mokuton on, Tobi. It'll be a distraction." Tobi brightened up at that. With that, he slammed his hands together while intoning a specific incantation.
"Wood Release: Nativity of a world of Trees!"
I grinned maniacally as trees started to sprout everywhere. This soon escalated into a maniacal laugh.
"GROW! GROW MY PRETTIES!" I heard Tobi scream. I shook myself.
"Tobi, we need to escape right now, not giggle like the villains we're not." Tobi rubbed his chin, as if in deep thought.
"Actually, I was thinking, Sempai. We should grab some donuts first." I paused.
"...So you want to get donuts."
"Yes." Sounded good.
"Let's do it."

Celestia's P.O.V, present day.

All around me, guards were mobilising in an attempt to contain this threat. After the invasion of the Changeling Queen, they were eager to prove that they were still the first, last and only line of non-magical defences in the kingdom. I strode among them, a small part of my mind revelling in the knowledge that a battle would come. I hated to admit it, but a challenge like Nightmare Moon always excited me. It was a bad response, I know that much, but right now, I didn't rightly care.

"Princess, the barrier is back up again." I smiled at Shining Armour.
"Thank you, Captain. I'm sorry to ask you to do it again, especially after all the effort you put into it last time, but-"
"No, Princess, there's no need. Thanks to Cadence and my sister, I feel fully recharged." He paused.
"Still, aren't these measures unnecessary for a couple of idiots?" I shook my head.
"These idiots have forever changed the landscape of Equestria with their power. There are several lakes and chasms that were created by their power. Not only that, the one called Tobi possesses a magic that can easily destroy towns. He called it-"

I was interrupted when I saw a small tree start to sprout of the wall. Shining Armour blasted it with a thaumic lance, but more trees quickly started to grow, thickening and twisting. A branch swung out, shattering a window. I flared my horn, and the sunlight turned harsh, incinerating as many trees as I could.
"Princess Celestia!" I turned to my faithful student, who was trying to hold the trees back with little success; the sheer volume made the task futile.
"What is this?" I sighed.
"This is Tobi's doing, a magic known as Wood Release. I know not how it works, but when they freed Discord-"
"Wait, these chumps freed Discord?" I turned to Rainbow Dash.
"I have looked at their actions, and I have to say that they did it on accident. But what makes these trees interesting is that they can somehow drain chaos and black magic." Twilight perked up, interested.
"Wait, so you're saying that this Tobi can manipulate trees? That scale of nature magic is... terrifying. So every tree is under his control?"
"Yes. The Everfree Forest used to be a lot smaller, and was easily controllable, until Tobi used one of his spells on it."
"So Tobi basically made the Everfree..." Shining Armour mused.

Across Canterlot, ponies were fleeing in panic from the rapidly growing forest around them. Buildings were torn apart from the roots that grew, streets torn up by growing trees... the destruction caused by a forest growing at incredible speeds was incredible. Guards were trying to hold the forest back with fire based spells, but more trees just kept growing everywhere. It was the very definition of chaos. As such, no pony noticed two tall figures sneak through the trees, jumping onto buildings and charging in to the centre of the city.

Pony Joe was currently swatting away at trees that were trying to enter his shop.
"Stop that!" Unfortunately, they didn't. He grunted in frustration, picking up a canister of hot vegetable oil and throwing it onto the plants outside, tossing a match after it. That done, he turned around-
Into the grinning green face of some sort of creature. It spoke with a raspy, undulating voice.
"Sorry to bother you at this time, but we're going to have to take your donuts. I hope this won't inconvenience you too much." Pony Joe could only splutter incoherently as an orange faced beast waltzed out with a huge stack of donut boxes. Eventually, he just popped down on his haunches, staring at the wall in shock.

Tobi's P.O.V, present day.

I looked over our plundered, tasty, sugary booty. A thousand years without donuts can drive a man mad with desire for one.
"Okay, so we have about 200 donuts with us. I think that'll hold us over." Yoshimitsu nodded, carrying the five boxes with one hand, the other gripping his sword. It was pretty easy to carry due to the wrapped around branch I'd given him to help. He nodded.
"Time to go?"
"Time to go~!"

With that, we charged through the dense forest that had sprouted throughout Canterlot, using it to hide our movements. It was a distraction- nobody expected us to use the trees as cover, after all. Some people just can't see the trees for the forest, after all! We laughed and whooped with joy as we sped through the branches, rejoicing in our freedom. Eventually, after about ten minutes of tree leaping, we were at the limits of the barrier. I turned to my partner.
"You ready for this, Yoshimitsu-sempai?" For an answer, he turned his grinning mask towards me.
"As I ever will be." With that, he charged up his sword slash, preparing to obliterate the barrier.

Tobi's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"Wait, waitwaitwaitwait-"
"RAAAAAHH!!!"
Apparently, Inspector Lestrade wasn't willing to listen to reason. Oh, and apparently, we were in Elizabethan Horseland. What was Horse Land called again? Equestria? Whatever, I had a problem to fix-
A blast of blue magic came at me, and I activated Kamui on instinct. He seemed stunned that I just phased through his attack like it was nothing. Now invulnerable, I focused on the houses. I focused on my hands, trying to find what had happened.
Quickly, what did I know about chakra? Well, it's mind and body. Right, got that. How do I stop this? Pull my hands apart? Want it to stop? That was a good idea. I pulled my fingers apart, and focused on it stopping.

And, like that, every wooden object stopped. The house still sprouted little trees, and the other houses still had warped timbers, but at least the houses weren't moving anymore. Now that there wasn't the sound of trees growing and timber creaking, I could hear the screams of ponies. I felt pretty bad, at least until the unicorn soldier guy tackling me to the ground. At least, he would have, had I not still been immaterial. He passed through me and collided with a wall. Didn't seem to really hurt him at all.
"Art thou some kind of phantasm, knave? Stand thine ground and fight!" I shrugged.
"Don't wanna." At this, his face turned red with rage. Huh. Weird. He tried to tackle me again, but I kept phasing through him like it was just normal. I've gotta hand it to him, the guy's persistent as hell.
"Look, this is all a HUGE misunderstanding-"
"Misunderstanding? Thou hast terrorised this village with thine magic, and you think that there is any doubt as to the nature of your crimes? Thou must be addled in thine head, to be so blithe about the whole matter!"
"I'm te-hehelling you, this is all a big misunderstanding!" Inspector Lestrade looked unconvinced. Josh chimed in with his more level-headed attitude."Look, you said there are Princesses, right? We'll go to them, explain everything, and we can all be happy." The unicorn looked at us with disbelief.
"Thou willst accompany me to the Princesses willingly?" We nodded frantically. He sighed.
"Since it seems that I cannot capture you unwillingly, then come hither." He beckoned us with a hoof. How did he do that? Shrugging, we walked out with him, towards these... princesses.

It had now been about an hour. We'd been walking for a while, when suddenly, our stomaches rumbled. I grinned.
"Sorry, we're just hungry. Do you have any, uh, donuts?" The unicorn, who had introduced himself as Stalwart Heart, looked confused.
"I do not know of any... 'dough-nuts.' Pray tell, what are they?" Josh hastened to explain.
"Well, they're rings of, yes, dough, that you put into boiling vegetable oil, and then you cover it in chocolate or icing." Stalwart Heart shook his head.
"I have not seen any such dish." I pouted. Figures that Medieval ponies wouldn't have donuts. Well, maybe they had sandwiches.
"Well, what about sandwiches?" Stalwart Heart looked horrified.
"Sand Witches? Thou meanest that thou eat witches of sand?" I hastened to explain.
"No, sandwiches. They're two slices of bread with a filling in between them. You know?" Stalwart Heart shook his head.
"Thine speech is most queer."
"Queer?" He nodded, then coughed.
"I can tell that, in a festival, thou wouldst be most gay." I choked trying to keep out a laugh from emerging. I then coughed, awkwardly, as he stared at me.
"Pray tell me, why do you laugh? What I said was not so amusing for that."
"It's nothing."

Finally, we arrived at the castle. It was an amazing castle, tall and mighty, built of grey stone. It was obviously built to impress, not to defend. Then again, with all of this forest around us, would you really need a defensive wall? We walked into the castle with no small amount with trepidation. I cleared my throat.
"Right, Josh, let's stick it up them."
We tropped in, prepared for any eventuality.

Celestia's P.O.V, present day.

I looked out, horn wrapped in bandages from Chrysalis. Had she not attacked me, I would have burned this forest away in a heart beat. As it was, the most I could do was a basic levitation aura, lifting out a book from the time.
"This is pretty much all the information that we have on them." Twilight eagerly grabbed it, leafing through the pages.
"So they're called, 'humans.' Weird name." She looked up at me.
"But why is Yoshimitsu considered dangerous? I mean, sure he could cut through spells, but he couldn't cause something like that, could he?" I looked out, not answering at first. In front of us, Canterlot was covered in thick, green foliage.
"Yoshimitsu has contributed to many landmarks of Equestria. About 1,050 years ago, there wasn't a ravine in front of the Castle of the Pony sisters. Neither was there as many rivers, or lakes. Yoshimitsu created, in a month, two ravines, several lakes and a dozen rivers. His sword swings could generate enough destructive force to carve through solid rock with an idle swing." Twilight looked shocked, then laughed.
"I think you're overestimating-"

With a crash, the entire barrier shattered. Twilight looked on, shocked beyond belief as a spell that withstood dragon fire shattered. I turned to her.
"No, I don't think that I do."

Author's Note

Yoshimitsu is the stronger of the pair in brute destructive force, while Tobi is more of a support fighter. That's how they are meant to be.

Steal a car, go to a nudist colony. ???? PROFIT!

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, present day.

After our most awesome escape, it seemed as if the guard weren't going to be following us, so after a couple of minutes of frantic running, we eventually slowed down to a leisurely stroll. In a few minutes, we might have to run again, so it was wise to save as much energy as we could.
"Hey, sempai. Can you imagine what Mighty Whitey must have looked like as we escaped?" I shook my head.
"She probably derped out or something from sheer rage." I was still a little angry with her for imprisoning us a thousand and fifty years ago, but I was prepared to let bygones be bygones.

Tobi giggled, walking down the road calmly. I wasn't. Instead, I was balanced on my sword, hopping around.
"NAMU!" I cackled, hopping overhead and almost impaling a harmless rabbit as it walked over the road, unaccustomed to screaming humans riding a katana. Suddenly, Tobi stopped.
"Hey, sempai, sempai! Do you hear that?" I perked an ear. Sounded like a car. My interest piqued, I indicated for him to hide.

We dove into the underbrush on the side of the road, and watched as a most... peculiar contraption came around the corner. It looked like one of those really, REALLY old fashioned cars, painted a cheery red and with a lot of gauges on them. It was being steered by two unicorns, who had apparently seen hard times. Their straw boaters were battered, and their blue and white striped shirts were covered in sweat and oil stains.
"I say, Flim, business has been hard."
"Indeed it has, Flam. Nopony is interested in our Super Cider Squeezy 3000, all from one bad outing."
"Well, brother Flim, I must say that we made some poor business decisions. How will we prove our wealth now? Get it patented?"
"Brother, we already did that. Nopony was interested in it at all." I looked at Tobi. He flashed a thumbs up. Without a moment to lose, I jumped onto the automobile, sticking myself to the surface with magic. I waltzed over, and jumped behind them.
"Greetings, gents." Before they could panic, I slammed their heads together and gripped the wheel, slowing the vehicle down before it crashed.

Tobi came running up.
"Sempai, it's so beautiful. We should keep it!" I nodded, relieving the two unicorns of their boaters. I tossed one to Tobi, and placed the other on my head.
"But, Sempai, won't we get in trouble with the law for this?" For answer, I rolled my head.
"Screw the rules, we're on a road trip." Tobi nodded, jumping on.
"Right. Onwards we go!" I hit the accelerator... and nothing happened. I face faulted, and tried again. Still nothing.
"Kick the car, sempai. It works with televisions." I kicked the car, but other than a clang, it didn't start up. I turned to Tobi.
"Interrogate the unicorns."
"Hai, Sempai!" He skipped over, and slapped one of them awake, placing a hand over his horn.

Flim's P.O.V.

Something slapped me awake. I looked up, blearily, aware that something was over my horn. I focused blearily on the orange swirly thing in front of me.
"Look into my eyehole." I did so, staring into a red eye with three commas swirling in it...

Tobi's P.O.V, present day.

I nodded as he came under my control. Really, the Sharingan made things too easy sometimes. Plus, with an unfocused mind like his, it was all too easy.
"Your name is Flim, correct?"
"Yes..." The dopey eyed unicorn stallion muttered, staring out at the world with glazed eyes.
"Now, your vehicle. How does it work, exactly?"
"Well, it's a cider machine, so it-" I waved a hand, prompting him to be quiet.
"No, not that. How did you make it work as a vehicle? That's what I want to know."
"We made it move with our magic. You see, the cider functions as fuel, but we're running low. Get some apples into it, and it'll run without magic."
"Will it make cider out of anything?"
"Yes, anything. Apples are a favourite though." I nodded, pleased with this information. Soon, we'd have our own liquor.
"Excellent. Now, when you see a Royal Guard, you are to sing the Australian National Anthem. Here, I'll teach it to you and your brother."

After putting the trigger phrase into both him and his brother and tying them up, I waltzed back to the car.
"It runs on magic, or alcoholic cider."
"Oh, magic? That's easy enough to do." With that, he slammed a hand into the vehicle, and soon, we were driving off to glory and alcohol, whichever came first.

Flash Sentry's P.O.V.

I growled as I flew after the convicts. Although I knew that, technically, I shouldn't be doing this, sometimes you just had to confront dangerous criminals directly. Rounding a corner, I spotted something that made me take pause.
"HELP!"
"HELP NOW!"
Two unicorn stallions, trying to break free from a tree that had... apparently hugged them and molested them. I scrunched up my face in confusion.
"What." Sometimes, that's all you can say in these sorts of situations. I flew over to help the two stallions.
"How can I help you?" The two looked at him, and they froze. Then suddenly, they began to sing in unison.
"Australians all let us, rejoice,
For we are young and free.
We've golden soil and wealth, for toil,
Our home is girt by sea.
Our land abounds in nature's gifts,
A beauty rich and rare,
In history's page let every stage,
Advance Australia fair.
In joyful strains then let us sing,
ADVANCE... AUSTRALIA... FAIR!"
They paused for a moment, to take breath, then sung it again. My eye just twitched out of confusion.
"What."

Twilight's P.O.V, three hours later.

I just stared at the two singing con artists. Beside me, Shining Armour just shrugged.
"They've been singing like this for three hours now. It seems as if, whenever they see a Royal Guard, they sing this song."
"It's Tobi's doing." I turned to the Princess, who was watching them with a sad expression.
"Once Tobi locks eyes with a pony, he can hypnotise them into doing his bidding. It's a very difficult spell to reverse. He called it a 'genjutsu.' I was shaken. Every minute I heard about them, I learned why they should never be underestimated.
If he'd locked eyes with one of the Elements... I shuddered to think about it.
"So this guy can just brainwash any pony he looks at? Ah think that ah an see why you imprisoned them with the Elements." Celestia looked... embarrassed? Ashamed?
"Actually, my use of the Elements was mostly unjustified. I had a far hotter head back in the day, and was prone to making rash decisions..." I was pretty shocked at that. The Princess was not always... well, Celestia? That seemed a bit much for me to take in.
"Really?" Celestia nodded.
"I am not proud of that period of my life, but it happened."

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

Out of boredom, we had started to sing.

"I wanna be, the very best, like no one ever was." I sang, experimentally. Toby joined in on the next verse.
"To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause."

Yoshimitsu
"I will travel, across the land, searching far and wide.
For Pokémon, to understand, THE POWA THAT'S INSIDE~!"

Both
"POKÉMON! GOTTA CATCH EM ALL!"

Yoshimitsu
"it's you and me now.
I know it's my destiny!

POKÉMON! OH-"

"Stop thine singing." Stalwort Heart beside us looked like he was having an aneurism. I grimaced.
"That is one of the most recognisable songs in the world where we come from." Toby snapped. Stalwart Heart just looked at us with lidded eyes.
"And can one assume that cats screaming is a form of music as well?"
"Don't have a cow, man." At Toby's strange comment, Stalwart Heart just glared at us.
"Thine speech is most strange."
"Yeah, you said that several times."
"That means that it is doubly true." I poked my tongue at him behind my mask, while Toby just did a raspberry.

Eventually, the doors opened, and we strode in like muthafucking bosses. Because, really, we were.
In the throne room, sitting on tall chairs, were two wingie unicorns. Were female unicorns winged? Weird.
The taller one was white, and had a green, blue and pink mane, that seemed to flutter in a non-existent wind. She looked at us with a stern expression. The other one was slightly shorter, coloured dark blue and with a floaty mane, dotted with stars and coloured like a patch of the night sky. She seemed to be the nicer one. I waved.
"Hey, osh. When do we get our free sandwich? Do you think I should ask them?" Suddenly, we were being poked in the knees. I turned around to Stalwart Heart, who was kneeling and poking. Oh wait, we were with royalty.

I hastily scrambled into a bow, with Tobi following suit. The taller one looked satisfied with this.
"Rise, thou knaves. Let Us speak to you about thine transgressions. Holy balls this mare was loud. She would be the perfect scream metal vocalist. After making sure that I wasn't deaf, I spoke.
"Of course. Let's sort out all of these misunderstandings." I stood up, and Tobi did the same.
"Princess, let us tell you that everything that has happened today has been but a huge, hideous misunderstanding. We never intended to terrorise you or your people." Blue one looked doubtful.
"We hath many reasons to doubt thine story. Thine attack on the town of Ponyham was most destructive. Thine actions have destroyed much of our domain." This one was slightly quieter- less jet engine and more of a commercial cruiser. Still, I felt that she'd be a good back-up vocalist.
"Our names are..." I wracked my brains. I didn't want to tell them our real names.
"Tobi and Yoshimitsu." I breathed out, thankful for Toby's quick thinking.
"We came here from a far off land unintentionally, and we seek passage back home." At that, the white one's shoulders slumped a bit in... disappointment? Was I reading her right? Toby nodded.

"He's right, princesses. And that's the truth." I saw his hands swing together.
"TOBI DON'T-" It was too late. Tobi's hands clapped together, thankfully not in a sign. However, the damage was done. Stalwart Heart tackled him to the ground, snarling.
"So, thou came here under false pretences, worm! Was this your intention, distracting the Princesses with honeyed words and striking them down without their battle armour on? Thou disgusts me!"
"Wait a minute, nonononononononono-" White one stood up.
"I hath heard enough!" her voice, somehow, got louder.
"TOBI! Thou hast tried to attack Our Royal personage under our own roof! And THOU, Yoshimitsu-" here she levelled a glare, and I shrank back a bit from the heat in her eyes,
"-THOU hast attempted to deceive us with thine honeyed words!" her horn glowed a furious yellow, and her sister's glowed an indigo blue.
"NOW, FACE THE FULL MIGHT OF THE RULERS OF PONYKIND!

Author's Note

A slightly shorter chapter. Enjoy.
I've always thought that Celestia was the more warlike and angry of the sisters a thousand years ago. I mean, the sun is about being hot-blooded, while Luna is more rational and calm. That's just my personal head canon.

Time to go to Ponyville!

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, present day.

I grabbed the map that the unicorns had left, examining it.
"Right, sempai, where do we go first?" I hmmed, tapping the map.

A thousand and fifty years ago, Ponykind had only inhabited or lived right next to the forest. Then Tobi and I came and fucked shit up. Well, made it so that they had to finally spread out amongst the plains of Equestria. Maybe we made the castle of the Pony Sisters harder to reach, and maybe we accidentally caused the Everfree Forest to grow gigantic, but that was in self defence.

But enough about the past, road trip! I snagged a donut and chewed it, savouring the flavour.
"Shit, that guy makes good donuts." Tobi nodded, cheeks filled with delectable pastry.
"You're probably going to choke yourself, you know that?" Tobi shook his head. I sighed. Leave it to me to be the more rational of our little pair. Someone had to be- even though I was enjoying the pretty colours that occasionally flashed through my mouth, I was supposedly the saner one.

I pondered over everything, and pointed at a destination.
"How about this 'Ponyville,' then?" Tobi looked at it.
"Think it's like Ponyham?"
"God I hope not." Couldn't find Ponyham on the map, but I had a sneaking suspicion that this 'Ponyville Lake' was one of my creations. Ah well, sometimes you have to own up to mistakes.

"Sempai, I'm bored."
"So am I."
"Sempai."
"Yes?"
"Want to sing a song?"
"Sure, why not?"

With that, we started to sing:

Tobi's P.O.v, 1,050 years ago.

We rounded a corner and sprinted on, a blast of yellow magic tearing through a wall.
"STAND THY GROUND, KNAVES!" Wow, Mighty Whitey was pissed. Beside me, I got the feeling that Josh was glaring at me.
"What? This isn't my fault."
"Right, clapping your hands together, which previously PRACTICALLY DESTROYED A VILLAGE, in the presence of Inspector Lestrade himself, wasn't your fault." I started sobbing in fear as I heard the beating of mighty wings get closer.
"I'm SOR-REE-HEE-HEE!" Behind us, we heard another zap sound, and I blinked as a blast just phased through me harmlessly.
"You'd think they'd learn to stop doing that." I heard Josh mutter. I was busy running like all hell. I spotted a staircase and, not caring for breaking my legs, quickly jumped down without a thought. I screamed, before remembering that I could just phase through objects. With that, I quickly sank through the floor, disappearing without a trace.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

I facepalmed as Toby just jumped off a stairwell. Honestly, they weren't that scary-
I looked behind me and recalculated that.

The white one was the very picture of rage, sizzling yellow energy gathering in a corona around her horn.
"At last, knave, thou hast reached the end of the line. Now, stand right there, and thy death shall be quick and without pain." In response, I flipped her the bird and jumped.
God I hope this works.
I gripped my sword in my left hand, and spun it like a little helicopter. It seemed to be working- at least I was slowing down a bit. I spun it harder. I was pretty terrified. If I broke my legs, then I was a sitting duck for them.
Success.
I was flying under my own power, robotic arm supporting my full body weight. The Princesses were just looking at me. I thumbed my nose at them and fell the last couple of feet, rolling away from a stray blast.
I gripped my sword.
"Hate to do this, but I need to counterattack now." With that, my sword glowed green in agreement. I swung it in their general direction, watching them teleport out of the way. The blast- a comparatively minor one- scythed through the wall of the castle, leaving a nice little window for them. It was enough. With that, I scrambled away, running as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Then, the ground beneath me collapsed. I screamed as I plummeted through the darkness, about to spin my sword again before I felt something cushion me. It felt like... a tree? I checked my mysterious rescuer. Yep, definitely a tree.
"I got you, man!" Oh, it was just Toby. Sticking myself to the tree, I ran down it.

"Man, you gotta check this out." I followed his pointing finger.

In the chamber with us was a gigantic tree, seemingly made of one piece of flawless amethyst. I gazed at it, spellbound. Toby chuckled.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" I nodded dumbly. Something about this tree seemed a bit... off. I mean, really, this tree was giving me a bad vibe. Beautiful, but dangerous, and exceedingly powerful. This was NOT something we should mess with.

I shook myself. Knowing our luck...
Speaking of our luck, I was reminded that I really, really needed to piss.
"Tobi, I need to go to the toilet."
"Aw! Dude, really?" I nodded, already looking for a suitable place to piss. The wall? No, too much like a hobo. That only left... I stared at the giant gemstone and gulped.
"Well, call of nature and all that."

I nervously approached the tree, emboldened by my full bladder. I saw that there were marks on the tree- odd. Still, the Call of Nature waits for no man, and I felt the pressure mounting. With that, I unzipped my fly.

You know, there is no feeling quite like having a long-awaited piss. I sighed in blissful release, sprinkling the crystalline surface with my bodily fluids.
"Oh man, feels good..."
"Uh, dude? Dude?"
"What is it?" I turned around, finished sprinkling the crystalline onion. Then, I froze.

Standing there, frozen with shock, were Mighty Whitey and Big Blue. I gulped.
"It's not what it looks like. Trust me." Still frozen. Then, their eyes glowed white.

Five minutes later, and we were running even more frantically. Beside me, Tobi looked at me smugly.
"I'm not the only one now, am I?"
"Shut up and keep running!"
"Thou villains! Thou hast desecrated the Tree of Harmony with thine urine! STAND STILL FOR OUR JUDGEMENT!" Crap, Big Blue was pissed off even more than her sister.
"RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Oh, wait, no. At least Big Blue was still articulate, not a screaming ball of white hot wrath.
Eventually, we found a wall. Not even hesitating, I blasted it, cutting a freedom hole through to the outside forest. We jumped through, running off into the forest.

Celestia's P.O.V, present Day.

"...and that's when we were wholly convinced that they meant ill." Twilight looked a little ill, and honestly, looking at myself I couldn't blame her. Still, it needed to be said. I laughed bitterly.
"I tried to free them later, about five hundred years ago. No luck; it was only then that I truly realised that my bond with the Elements of Harmony had shattered when I turned on my own sister. Before then, I was convoked that their not responding to me was just their way, but I do not know why they did not respond to me. Maybe they took personal offence to their progenitor being urinated on, I do not know. All I know is that I have done them an immense disservice." I bowed my head in shame. Twilight looked at me, then hugged. How ironic, I mused, that it is Twilight comforting me, not the other way around. I just hugged her for a few more seconds, then broke.
"This is my mistake, and I intend to find them and apologise for my actions." With that, I soared off.

I closed my eyes, trying to find them.
"Sister." I turned to Luna. She looked guilty as well.
"Thou needst not take this burden alone. We- we mean, I- am just as guilty as you."
"Luna-" She held up a hoof.
"Save your breath, Tia. I can help you find them." She closed her eyes, and dropped onto a cloud. She focused, the glow of her horn growing brighter and brighter. Then, she opened her eyes.
"What is this?"

Tobi's P.O.V, Present Day.

I started up as I felt somebody scrying on us. That's the great thing about the Sharingan- somehow, you can see magic with it. Scrying spells were easier then pie to spot with my special eyes. I nudged Yoshimitsu.
"Yoshimitsu, we're being scried on." Yoshimitsu nodded.
"Shall we?"
"Yes." With that, we stopped our car and stared at our target creepily. Once you know how to look at it, you realise that a basic scrying spell is a two-sided mirror; anybody with a Sharingan could just look in.

Luna's P.O.V, Present Day.

I rubbed my eyes to make sure that I wasn't seeing this. No, I was.
Tobi and Yoshimitsu were... looking at me, somehow. Not just looking at the scrying spell, but at the cloud that I was using to spy on them. How could they even detect it?
"Hey, Princess, want to see a real show?" Before I could stop the scrying spell, he flashed through a couple of signs, and then...
A most bizarre image appeared in the screen.
I just stared.
"What is this?"
Beside me, Tia looked just as confused. Then, she face hoofed.
"Did you forget about their strange tendency to be able to detect scrying?" I nodded mutely. A thousand years means that you can forget a lot as well.
"It matters not. We must find those ruffians!" Tia nodded, distractedly.
"Yes..." I turned.
"Not to capture, but to talk."
"I know that." Nodding, we sped off, intent on at least trying to talk with these humans.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, Present Day.

I laughed myself heartily sick as the scrying portal closed shut with a snap.
"That's what you get," I said in a Southern drawl. Beside me, Tobi giggled like a schoolgirl.
"We got them good, didn't we Sempai?"
"Yes. You did well, my kohai." Tobi basked in praise. I restarted the engine with a hand-slam of magic, feeling the power flow through me.
"Let's go clubbing."

Tobi's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

We'd been running for about half an hour now, and our bodies were complaining. Eventually, we arrived in a clearing. I leant against a tree, panting like a dog, while Josh just collapsed inelegantly.
"That was terrifying." I glared at Josh.
"Dude, why did you have to go and do that, man?" He waved his hands defensively.
"Hey, don't go pinning this on me mate-" I interrupted him, my eyes spinning around.
"We MIGHT have been able to talk to them, had you not FUCKING PISSED ON THAT TREE THING!" Josh balked, then glared back.
"Oh yeah? Need I remind you that the only reason we are in this situation at all is because of your habit of CLAPPING YOUR HANDS TOGETHER?!"
"WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE CHASM YOU CARVED, EH?! WHAT ABOUT THAT?!" By now, we were at each others' throats. I pulled out one of my prop kunai, now a lethally sharp instrument, while he held out his bigger sword. Tempers were running high at that moment, and we were prepared to kill each other if that meant peace. Just then, a gigantic bear made of stars appeared, glaring at us.

We froze in position, like a poorly trained actor with stage fright. It looked pretty surreal- me with a knife in my hand, Josh with his sword, and the bear just looking SUPER pissed off. Anxious to not die, I tried talking to it.
"We didn't mean to disturb you, good sir!" I waved nervously at the giant bear. It regarded me with a curious air, then snorted and tromped off. I stared at him.
"Were we not important enough for it to bother killing? I'm almost offended by that." Josh snorted, lowering his sword.
"Okay, we're both responsible, how about that?" I nodded.
"Yeah, we're both responsible, Sempai." I said it as a joke, but he laughed. Now that we were friends again, we shook hands, sealing our friendship forever more.

Wish you were here! Ponyville chapter.

Carrot Top's P.O.V, Ponyville.

The sun was shining, birds were chirping, and I was just pulling out carrots when I heard the strangest music coming from yonder. I stopped for a moment, curious. As well as the faint sounds of music, I could hear a sound, sort of like a controlled growl. Almost like a miniature train engine. I watched, then, as... something came over the horizon.

A giant engine, with two creatures sitting on it. My first reaction was, What? Then, the music stopped, and then they started to sing:

I just stared while my whole brain seemed to shut down in shock.
"That was totes bitching. Oh, hey! We're here." The orange, faceless one jumped down, stretching.
"I don't know about you, Sempai, but driving long distances always gives me a crick in the small of my back."
"That's true. Do you have the camera?"
"No. We should find one, sempai." The greenish one nodded, and they trooped off into town.

Tobi's P.O.V, present day, Ponyville.

I stretched excitedly and strode around, ignoring the fearful glances I was getting. I was Tobi, through and through! Finally, I spotted a kind of lanky pegasus taking pictures of me. I bounced over to him gleefully.
"Where do I get one of those?" For an answer, he shakily lifted a hoof.
"T-T-The store over there, sir." I can see that he's trembling. I pat him on the head.
"Excellent. Thank you, have a donut." I willed a donut out of my eye, and it shot out into his hoof from my magical Sharingan. He reacted to it by fainting. Pussy.

Naturally, being the fine entrepreneur that I was, I stole his camera and left the donut. Services rendered and all that. I gave him a donut, and he gave me a camera. I then sauntered off to the camera store, only to get tackled. LOL nope, denied. My attacker just phased through me, and as soon as he was out, I clubbed him on the back of the head.

This seemed to spark off a chain reaction- every single pony screamed and ran away. I glared at my attacker, a rather large pegasus with tiny wings. He was already getting up, so I locked eyes with him.
"Obey my Sharingan." He did. I grinned evilly.
"You are now a fish." He promptly flopped onto the ground making blubbering noises. The ponies around me reacted with fear, and I raised my voice.
"That'll teach you to attack me." I waltzed onwards to the shop, intent on buying some film for this magnificent camera.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, present day, Ponyville.

While Tobi had his fun, I was being more practical. By practical, I mean that I was jumping around town in flea stance.
"NAMU!" A passing pony rolled out of the way to avoid getting impaled.
"Watch where you're going! You could have killed me!" I laughed.
"But you didn't. So, I am in the right here, and you're in the wrong. NAMU!" I hopped again, heading over to an apple stall. The huge stallion there glared at me. I got off my sword and approached.
"Apples please, my good sir, and hurry!" He complied.
"How many?" I locked eyes with him.
"Oh, a hundred." His eyes bulged and he swallowed his stalk of grass.
"You see, my good friend, we are going on a road trip around your fair country, and we need food. Also, we're both going to get stoned out of our minds." I placed a solid gold bar onto the counter.
"That should be more than enough. Use that money well, my friend." Big Red already had the hundred apples in a sack.
"That's fine and plenty. Anything else?"
"Oh, nothing." TObi appeared, clutching a camera and several spools of film.
"SEMPAI! I got the camera!" I turned.
"Actually, make that one thing. Would you mind posing with us?" Big Red complied.

After our photos, we wandered around, taking photos of anything that took our fancy. There was that tower thing, a bridge, a lake, all sorts of things. We also walked into shops, stole a lot of what wasn't nailed down, and left. Then, we wandered into the library, to be confronted by a purple lizard armed with a rolling pin.
"Get back! I've been watching you two bullies just... walking over every pony, and I won't stand for it!" I rolled my eyes and decided to intimidate him a bit.
"Do it then." He looked confused.
"What?"
"I can see you've got spunk. So attack us, kid. Attack us with all your might. Show your spark to the world!" He hit me in the arm with the rolling pin, snapping it. I then patted him on the head.
"Nice try, kid. Grow stronger, and in a thousand years, you might beat my sempai."
"What the hell is a sempai?" Tobi looked at him.
"He's my superior, I guess you would say. Laters!" With that, we walked right out.

"Sempai, I feel bored." I tapped my chin in amazement.
"You know something, Tobi, I'm bored too." Tobi rubbed his hands together.
"I think we should get stoned now." I nodded.
"I agree." Tobi slammed his hands together in the Snake Seal.
"Wood Release: Nativity of a World of Marijuana!"

I watched in glorious ecstasy as the whole village was covered in marijuana. Grabbing some leaves and parchment from the parchment shop we'd raided, I rolled us two joints the size of God. Tobi lit them both with a Grand Fireball that nearly destroyed a cloud house with rainbows coming off it.
"Oh, shit son." We raised them to our mouths through the special mouth holes that were in our masks and inhaled.

Celestia's P.O.V, present day, Canterlot.

I was in the room with the Elements of Harmony when I felt a letter being sent from Spike.
"What could be so urgent that-" I opened the letter and frowned.

Dear Princess Celestia,
Weird bipedal creatures are here in Ponyville.
Also, Ponyville is covered in weird plants now. It's really weird.
Spike.

I rolled up the letter.
"They're in Ponyville. Get close; I'll teleport us there instantly." I flared my horn, and the glow died. Ouch. I'd forgotten that my horn was injured from Chrysalis.
"Let me do it, sister." Luna flared her own horn, and we teleported-

Right outside the library, to see them sitting in a field of plants, giggling as smoke came off of them. I watched.
Yoshimitsu and Tobi had apparently installed little hatches in their masks so that they could smoke what looked like two rolled up pieces of paper. As they saw us, they started to giggle.
"Shit, Mighty Whitey, you've come for some pot?"
"What in tarnation are all these plants?" Tobi turned to Applejack.
"Oh, hey Bubba. You wanna have a toke? This is good shit." I sighed.
"Tobi, Yoshimitsu, give yourselves up immediately, or-" They broke into giggles again. Beside me, Luna was confused.
"What is the matter with you two?" She thundered, sending them into even more giggle fits.
"I'm sorry, Big Blue, it's just..." Yoshimitsu paused for breath.
"...It's just that you sound funny!" They laughed again, uproariously.
"Oh yeah? Well, how does this sound?" Rainbow Dash, well, dashed at them, but even in their drugged up state, they were more than capable of dodging her. Tobi swayed out of the way, while Yoshimitsu clobbered her on the back of her head.
"Tobi, deal with them while I get us some more donuts. I'm fucking starving." Tobi saluted, the boater on his head wobbling around.
"You got it, Sempai!" With that, he slammed his hands into a clenched position.
"Earth Release: Hiding like a Mole jutsu!" With that, he disappeared into the ground.

I scanned the area, trying to find him. Suddenly-
"WHAC-A-MOLE JUTSU!"
I felt a mild stinging pain on my buttocks. I whipped around, to see Tobi armed with a stick. He then disappeared into the ground, then reappearing behind Twilight and repeating the move.
"WHAC-A-MOLE JUTSU!" Twilight tried to blast him, but he just disappeared into the ground so quickly that the blast missed him entirely. He then reappeared in front of Spike.
"Well, sorry about this." Before we could react, he shouted loudly:
"KAMUI: GATE OF BABYLON!" With that, the air around his eyehole swirled, showing Spike with... armour, weapons, books, rocks, anything that could be construed as being valuable.

Uh oh...

"Twilight, get ready." Tobi waved, and ran away, cackling as he sprinted. I was about to follow, but stopped when I heard the voice of Spike.
"MINE." Spike, now much taller and bulkier, snarled at Twilight, gathering his hoard up. It seemed that Tobi had learned of draconic growth spurts brought on by greed.
"Spike, snap out of it! It's a trap!" Twilight tried to reason, but Spike wasn't listening. With a mighty roar, he swept her aside, hurtling into the library. I was about to step in, but Rarity stepped in front of me.
"Let me handle this, Princess. YOU catch the ruffian who would exploit such a weakness." With that, she charged into the library. I galloped off after Tobi, cursing him for his knowledge of draconic greed.

A meeting with Sunbro!

A meeting with Sunbro!

Yoshimitsu’s P.O.V, present day.

I barrelled into the place that looked like a gingerbread house, driven by a drug fueled hunger. I saw my target- a rack of donuts, freshly glazed. Shoving aside the blue pudgy mare there, I grabbed them, farted in her face and ran back out, all in the space of about thirty seconds. When I ran back, it was to see Tobi furiously running away from Celestia, phasing through her attacks as was the norm. I heard roaring in the distance, and blinked as a dragon shot out of the tree. I blinked.
Wait a minute… I sped after him, narrowly dodging a blast from Mighty Whitey herself. I caught up with Tobi in about five seconds and engaged in a casual conversation.

“Tobi, did you…” Tobi nodded.
“Yes. Don’t worry, I just gave him the armour and pony pornography.”
“...when did we have pony pronography?”
“They were in some of the books, remember?”
“I have deigned to forget that.” Behind us, Celestia seemed pissed off.
“Tobi, I think we’re going to need some… help on this one.”
“Help? We’re all alone here, bro. We can’t exactly call for help.” WIth that, he turned around, focusing on Celestia.
“Fire release: Blast Wave Wild Dance!” With that, Kamui activated, and Celestia had to roll in midair to avoid the twisting fireball. Unfortunately, it missed our marijuana, instead hitting the nearby tower, which was destroyed. I shed a tear in remorse- it was kind of cool, that innocent tower.

I cackled, then slammed into something. Looking up, I saw into the angry, ANGRY green eyes of the dragon.
“You stay right there, Yoshimitsu.” I looked at Tobi angrily, who seemed to be as confused about this all as I was.
“Tobi, what the fuck? I thought he wasn’t supposed to be talking right now due to greed?” Tobi shrugged.
“I don’t know what’s going on here either.”
“Stand right there, you villains!” I squinted. It was the white one…
“Fabulous one! YOU tamed the savage beast?”
“Actually, I think that’s music. Music tames the savage beast,” Tobi explained as I looked at him with the question evident in my body language. I shrugged. “Whatever.” I felt Tobi grab me.

“Oh, no you don’t.” A blast sizzled, and Tobi cursed as he had to leave.
“Shit.” Fabulous laughed.
“It seems as if you two are having a bit of a bother. Now, you should really surrender. I mean, there is a loaded dragon nearby.” In answer, Tobi slammed his hands together.
“You haven’t seen the best of my morning wood yet! Wood Release: Wood Dragon!” With that, a gigantic serpent sprouted out of the ground. It swirled around, while big purple looked at it uneasily.
“That’s not exactly a dragon. Looks like a sn-” The serpent bit him. The result?

I watched as glowing green magic flowed out of Spike and into the dragon. He tore it off, but the dragon went back to Tobi, who absorbed the magic it had drained with a touch. With that, he waved cheekily and ran off, me running along after him.

Behind us, Spike looked slightly smaller, but he was still giving chase. I tried to run faster, but in one, mighty punch, I was sent flying along with Tobi. As we soared through the air with the greatest of ease, I could only say one thing.
“LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET’S BLASTING OFF AGAIN!” I swear that as I said that, I heard a ting sound.

Tobi’s P.O.V, present day.

As we fell through the air, I couldn’t help but feel a bit of fear.
“AAAAAAAAAHHHH!” Okay, a lot of fear. But can you blame me? A gigantic dragon just punches us and sends us flying. Would you not be a little bit afraid? Especially because we were flying towards a mountain. Thinking quickly, I grabbed Yoshimitsu. “KAMUI!” I sucked him into the separate dimension, protecting him from the outcome of the fall. I then braced myself, and entered the dimension myself.

Popping through, I was rewarded with a somewhat softer dive onto a pile of pillows. I remembered those pillows well- I’d stolen them from the Princesses themselves. I impacted with them with a grunt of expelled wind.

For a moment, I lay there, thinking about how close we’d been to death. I mean, we were tough as nails, but even we had our limits. Eventually, I heard Yoshimitsu walking to me.
“Thanks for the save man.” Yoshimitsu looked around.
“Man, it’s been a while since I’ve been in here.”
“It’s only been a thousand years, sempai.” He snorted. “Send us both out in Canterlot.” I nodded. The problem with exiting Kamui was that we could only really do it wherever I was the closest in the real world- in other words, Canterlot.

Right back to where we started. I groaned. Some road trip this was turning out to be. Still, at least I had a joint the size of God here with me. I took a reflective puff.
“We’re going to need some serious help.”
“I told you, we’re alone here.” I felt angry and depressed- we needed help to get going, and we both knew it. We held back a lot, and hid in the shadows. We were ninjas, not up front warriors!

I selected a suitable exit point- the Canterlot Dungeons. We’d spent a lot of time here in the past, mainly due to the guards having no real way to contain our mighty power. At least, until the day when Mighty Whitey and Big Blue hit us in the back with the Sparkly Jewellery attack. Standing up, I grimaced at the memory. I didn’t want to think about that.
“The dungeons? Why here?” I shrugged.
“I don’t rightly know why, sempai. Maybe there are less guards down here. That’s a possibility. Mighty Whitey wasn’t very cautious in the old days, eh sempai?” Yoshimitsu nodded.

We wandered around, trying to escape the nagging feeling that maybe they’d followed us. Somehow. Stupid scrying spells. These dungeons looked like they hadn’t been used for hundreds of years- you’d think that they’d never have used them. But they did use them- we knew that much. You’d have to, otherwise why build them in the first place?

I stopped at a particular cell. Something about it just… drew the eye, or rather, the Sharingan. Call it intuition, but the magic around this cell was… odd. Many-levelled. Odd way to describe anything. I deactivated it and beckoned Yoshimitsu over.
“Sempai, check this out.”
“What is it?” I looked in.
“Nothing, I just got a hunch, sempai.” I looked around, eventually spotting it.
Solaire of Astoria.
The words were hidden from normal eyesight, but not to my eyes. I looked at them. Something told me that this wasn’t something I wanted to mess around with. So, naturally I messed around with it.

I flicked through some handsigns.
“Kuchiyose no Jutsu!” I slammed my outstretched palm onto the glowing sign, expecting nothing to happen. Instead, a burst of smoke rolled out, like in the show. When it cleared, I shaded my eyes from the brightness of the spectacle in front of me.

A knight, dressed in chain mail with a bucket-shaped helmet, chestplate covered with a white tabard emblazoned with a sun. He seemed to be asleep. Suddenly, he awoke, pushing himself up to a sitting position.
“Eh, wha-” He suddenly slapped himself in the helmet.
“Oh fuck I forgot to praise!” He scrambled to his feet, raising his arms up.
“Praise the sun!” I looked at him strangely. He looked back. “...that didn’t salvage the situation, did it?”

Another human. He could help us out! I raised my hands in the air and yelled merrily.
“BANZAI! BANZAI!” The knight tilted his head.
“Uh… are you alright?” I waved my hand in his face.
“This is so cool!”

He turned, saw Yoshimitsu, and squeed again.
“Oh Lord, I never thought that I’d see a human being ever again!” He paused.
“Or… Wait, are you human?” It sounded like he’d gone a bit crazy over time. I giggled.
“Oh, we’re as human as you are. I’m Tobi, and this is Yoshimitsu, but you probably already know that.”
The knight dude stuck out a hand.
“I am Solaire of Astora.” I waved. “Nice to meet you!”

He touched me, as if to make sure that I was real. I didn’t mind; we had bigger things to worry about than our new friend making sure of our existence. Then, he withdrew. “Well, why have you summoned me? I assume you need my help?” I slumped a bit. Now I was being reminded of our problem. “Well, yes. You see, we were minding our own business, covering Ponyville in marijuana, then we got high,” a thought struck me, “hang on a moment.” Focusing on Kamui, I pulled out a joint and shot it into my hand.

“You want a toke?” I offered it to him with reverence. He took it hesitantly, and just looked at it. I continued with my tale.
“After that, MIghty Whitey and Big Blue came through with Purple Smart, Bubba, Fabulous, Pinkie and the Dyke. I then used Gate of Babylon to induce a greed growth spurt in Spyro the Dragon.” Sunbro just stared at us. “Mighty Whitey?” I mentally cursed; he didn’t really know about our nickname.

Fortunately, Yoshimitsu was on hand to help. “We mean Celestia. It’s a nickname.” Solaire nodded. “Aha. I see. Sun Butt has got you too.” Nice nickname. He pocketed my joint and lifted his crystalline staff.. “So. You’re running from Spyro I take it.” I nodded earnestly.
"Yep. He somehow gained sentience in a greed induced growth spurt. We don’t want to kill him; practically a baby. Plus, he can’t fight to save his life.”

“Of course. There is no fun in murder.” He looked around. “Let’s see… if my bearings are correct we’re in Canterlot, you’re running from Sunbutt, and Spyro the Dragon is hunting you.”
Yoshimitsu-sempai nodded. “Yep. Normally, he’d not be a problem, but Tobi’s running on fumes right now, low on chakra.” For Solaire-san’s benefit, he explained. “We don’t use normal magic; rather, we use chakra. I’m a Wind specialist, and Tobi uses Fire, Water and Earth. Magic and Chakra are pretty similar, but different. Anybody can use chakra, it’s just a matter of training and drinking lots of juice. And Tobi’s all bummed out from making a forest of marijuana, and all I can do is kill shit.” Solaire nodded. “That’s where I come in. So we need to get to safety, and I want that dragon weapon.” Wow. He’s really into this, isn’t he? “Everfree is out, and I don’t think that Canterlot is a good hiding spot. Have you tried the Crystal Caves?” At this, I felt joy in my heart! Sunbro was awesome like that. “Those? Oh, yeah, we know about those. Oh! Sempai, we should give him the chakra power!” I bounced. It was only proper that we teach Sunbro the chakra.

Unfortunately, Yoshimitsu shook his head. “Later, Tobi. We do have a dragon to beat the shit out of.” I nodded, and gave Sunbro a thumbs up sign. “Next time we meet, we’ll teach you how to chakra, alright?” Sunbro nodded and I almost squeed in pleasure. My glorious sempai stared at Sunbro’s eyes. “Oh, and one more thing: how do we contact you between worlds?” I was actually wondering that myself.

Sunbro reached into a small pouch on his belt and withdrew a white stone, which he handed to me. “Write on any surface, and I’ll be able to summon you. Also, you’ll be able to summon me.” Sunbro cleared his throat, and said: “There is no way of knowing how long your world and mine will stay in contact, so use it so that we can stay in contact, and engage in jolly co-operation!” I nodded reverently, stashing it in one of my many pockets. Yoshimitsu-sempai turned to Solaire. “Alright, we leave the dragon in your capable hands. When you return to your world, look to the Crystal Caves, and you shall see our sign. Summon us to learn the secrets of chakra.” With that, Yoshimitsu gripped onto me, and I focused on the earth beneath my feet. “Earth release: Hiding like a Mole technique!” With that, we slipped through the ground and left Sunbro to his arduous task.

We popped out within the Crystal caves. I turned to Yoshimitsu and took out the soap stone. I went over to a wall, and scrawled:
Yoshimitsu and Tobi.
Ninja for hire.
Please, apply here for lessons in chakra. I stepped back and admired my efforts. “That seem good enough, Yoshimitsu-sempai?” He nodded. “Excellent. Now, shall we run like hell?” I nodded, and we sprinted off, eager to return to our roadtrip.

Spike’s P.O.V.

I tromped into Canterlot, carefully navigating the streets, watching for ponies. I was so caught up, that I didn’t seem to focus, until a loud voice sounded:
“HEY, BARNEY!” Startled, I looked up, at a humainoid figure that apparently had a bucket for a head. No, wait; that was an old style of helmet, replaced well before the pre-Winter Conference era. Man, I needed to get out more. He seemed to glow with a bright yellow light, weirdly enough.

I was pretty confused; that wasn’t Tobi or Yoshimitsu. He continued speaking, like an old-fashioned knight. “Vile creature whose scales are made of stone…” Okay, he’s certainly as crazy as they are, I’ll give him that. He placed the crystalline staff he held on his back and held out a hand. “By the will of lord Gwyn, I challenge you!” The sunlight solidified into a solid spear, which he then threw at me.

“Ow.” I deadpanned as it pinged off of my scales harmlessly. I frowned; obviously hostile, and the same species… didn’t need to be Twilight to figure out that one. “Are you an ally to those two morons? Because, seriously dude, it’s not worth it. I’m just gonna pummel you.” I wound my arm back for a mega punch, and he seemed disinterested.

“Oh no~ what am I going to do- DOUBLE SUN POWER!” What? I then shielded my eyes as he glowed as brightly as the sun, and he threw up a magical shield, seemingly just standing there. I squinted at it suspiciously. He was way too cocky…
“Never mess with co-operation!” Ah. He was right behind me. I looked behind me, and he slammed his staff in the air. The sunlight solidified around him, formed more spears, and hit my tail. As usual, no effect.
“Are you made of Notch’s Tears?” I raised an eyebrow; guy was weird and ignorant. “Do you not know anything about dragons? We’re the most magically resistant thing in Equestria.” I grinned; this guy was only attacking with magic, so that was all he had with him. “It seems as if we are at an impasse; I cannot harm you, and you cannot harm me.”

The creature raised a hand to its chin, thinking. “Hmm...” It was planning something. “Let’s see… You’re immune to magic, You can’t hit me, and I’m more than certain that there are others on the way.” He suddenly brightened. “Then we shall play a most amusing game.” I was instantly on guard. Nothing good would come out of this, I knew it. “What game were you thinking of, you weirdo?”

For an answer, he simply said, “A simple game…” here he flicked his wrist, bombs appearing. I watched as he sent them all around. If he’s going to attack ponies… “BLOW UP THE CASTLE!” With that, they all exploded, sending strange music throughout the land. To my ears, it sounded like a Prench pony saying “Surprise Buttsex.”

My ears rang with pain, and I clapped my hands over my ears to try to deaden the sound. It felt as if it was shaking my whole body apart! “You tricky bastard!” I roared, trying to hit him, but he fluttered out of the way with impunity. “Nanananana~” He sang, seemingly thinking. Then, he flourished his staff.

“Oi Barney! I was wondering what,” he paused, but I knew what he was going to say next, somehow, “I wonder what Rarity would think! Seeing you flail about like a retarded fish. Such grace, much poise, very wow.” I didn’t get why he’d said that last part, but the first part hit me home, and reminded me that for all his silliness, this guy was still a major threat to Equestria.
“Oh, you did not just go there. Don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.” Not exactly the most original of threats, but I was pretty angry at that moment.

And Solaire just laughed more. “I’m sure that she doesn’t either.” You bastard! “Oh, whatcha going to do ‘bout it? Flail around more? You’re not a dragon, you a SEAL!” He floated up a bit higher. “Also… man, you got shit luck don’t you? I mean… Wow. I don’t think they think you as an equal! I mean look at it!” He pointed at me. “A little pet on a leash! They ask you to do a few tricks and give you praise!” That cut me deeply. I fumed, before letting it all out.

“Shut up!” I roared, and the city below me trembled. “I’ve seen Discord and Nightmare Moon; hell, I’ve heard about Chrysalis. You’re just playing mind games with me! You’re trying to make me dance for you!” He looked at me strangely. “Does that make it any less true, then?” That simple statement cut right through to my heart. I focused on him wholy, intent on getting an opening to pound this smooth bastard into dust.
He lounged back on a lawn chair that was made of sunlight, and started to monologue. Classic mark of a villain right there. “I know the future, let me share a little bit! You won’t be given the credit you deserve in the Crystal Empire, and when Twilight’s crown is stolen by that one bacon haired bitch, you’ll be turned into a dog!” I scoffed at that; villains always lied to you. “Nopony can see the future! You’re just lying! A lying liar who lies! That’s what you are. I’m not listening to you anymore.” Solaire just looked at me. “Then ask Celestia about Sunset Shimmer, or about King Sombrero or whatever the heck his name was. Oh, and a little bit of advice, as a comrade,” he got up, and flourished his staff. “Never let a guy monologue for more than five minutes at a time, because that’s more than enough time for the people you need to catch get away, and it just makes you look like a dumbass in front of the whole capital.”

I stared, then I facepalmed. I’d just fallen for the oldest trick in the book. “You were a freaking decoy…” A thought struck me; this might just be an illusion. “And I guess you’re not even real, huh. Because that would be just
fabulous.” The knight shook its head. “Oh no, I’m quite real.” A smile crept into its voice. “Also, I didn’t even have to dodge you. My real body is across dimensions, so even if I ‘Die’ here, then I awaken back where I was unharmed.” He suddenly reached into his pocket. “OH WAIT!” He pulled out a black gemstone that I couldn’t identify. “For your troubles.” He then dropped it.

I snorted. “Oh, hell no.” That seemed to shock the bastard. “I don’t know what that was, exactly, but it’s probably nothing good.” Solaire just stood in midair, in silence. “...” Then, he just glared at me. “Well fine! Ignore my gifts!” I watched with some small satisfaction when he stamped the ground like a spoiled foal being denied their toy. He stomped angrily towards the city. “I have suns I need to praise!” What? Whatever. I waved a claw at him. “You pointed out that I’m a dumbass, isn’t that enough? Leave. Your friends are quite a handful alone. We don’t need you as well. Go and… praise these suns!” Not the best comeback ever, but I was angry, bitter and ridiculed. I shrank back down to my regular size, no longer angry enough to maintain it. Solaire stared at me. “Okay look, I’m not an asshole so here.” A sword dropped down from him in front of me. “Learn to use it. That way, you can prove me wrong. Nothing is set in stone after all~”

I looked at the sword. I was angry, but it was dying down. The knight was right; nothing was going to change if I didn’t change as well. “...Yeah, I suppose you’re right. Nothing changes unless one wills it and all that, eh?” That was Starswirl the Bearded’s saying; I picked things up a lot. Then, I frowned. He’d said, that he came across dimensions... “Hang on… you said you came from another world. What did you mean by that, exactly?”

The knight stared off into the distance. “Through signs of summon I can be called, beyond the worlds past the stars.” I stared at him, not believing. “No seriously I can be summoned anywhere any time and I’m giving away how I do it to every human I meet.” He began… fading away. “Bye!”

I waved, then the implications hit me…
Tobi and Yoshimitsu had met him. That meant that they knew how to do it as well. What’s more… “But if you were summoned here, then… there are MORE of you?! More… mad creatures that can just walk through reality?! And MORE of you making these signs?! Oh, this isn’t good.” Before he left, his hand was outstretched, two foreclaws extended outwards, other two curled into his palm. “GG no re!” And like that, he was gone. I stood there, unblinking. Then, I grabbed the sword. Time to change my destiny.

Author's Note

A crossover with F*ck it I'm having fun. Jimmy's kind of the coolest.

We're on the road again.

Canterlot

"...And that's when he just ups and disappears, leaving the sword behind." Celestia and Twilight were shaken by this new revelation. They'd thought Tobi and Yoshimitsu to be unique cases, creatures that were dimensionally displaced, and possibly able to be resealed. But now, with this 'Solaire' creature, claiming that the two of them could escape any time they were summoned- the implications were unthinkable. Plus, the existence of other humans meant that Equestria could be invaded by beings who wouldn't fear death or imprisonment at all, as they were like ghosts, phantoms almost.
"There are more of them out there, and they can just... respond to these summoning signs?" Twilight paced. "He may have been lying." Spike shook his head. "That guy wasn't lying. How else to you explain how he suddenly comes here, without any prior warning?" Twilight couldn't come up with an answer to that.

Celestia sighed. The mystery of Tobi and Yoshimitsu persisted, as it always did with those two. Now, it seemed that they had the capability to travel between worlds, and spread their madness to other Equestrias. Equestria- both her own and other Equestrias- needed to know about this, in case these invaders came. "And you're sure that he gave no hint as to how it is possible." Spike shook his head. "It'd have to be portable," he mused. "It would have to give some sort of signal, that could be interpreted throughout worlds..."

Suddenly, a black box appeared.
You have been invaded by D1cky Pr05Ta1t. Spike squinted.
"What the..." Just then, another human came in. It had a bizarrely elongated head, extremely wide at the top and narrow at the head, coloured an eye-watering shade of yellow. It wore a dress, and it wielded a huge hammer., and its whole being glowed with a red light. They stared at it, and it seemed to stare back at them despite having no visible eyes. The very nature of it seemed strange. Then, it attacked. It started rolling towards them, then appeared in front of Celestia. As soon as the human got up, it swung the hammer at Celestia with an almost impossible speed. Celestia blocked, then blasted the creature with a thaumic lance. It barely reacted, then it spoke, in a bizarre, distorted voice.
"Lol wtf 1s th1s sh1t u fuck1n p0ny fag." Celestia looked confusedly at this creature.
"What." Surprise lost, she simply focused. The power built up, then the sunlight brightened.
"Burning Sunlight."
The creature suddenly caught alight in the very sunlight it stood in. It flailed around, rolling out of the way, the flames still burning it. It then pulled out a glowing gold flask and drank, somehow, and the flames died.
"Burning Sunlight." It then caught fire again. Celestia realised, with a start, she was enjoying this. In a thousand years, it had been a while since she'd really cut loose.

Eventually, it disappeared. Celestia looked at the others. "What... in Equestria... was that." Celestia was, for the first time in over a thousand years, completely, utterly lost. She shrugged. "I have no idea."
"Perhaps it is a being from another Equestria; coming here to invade and destroy." Luna chipped in. Twilight nodded.
"What kind of creature would do something like that?" Spike shrugged.
"Well, considering Tobi and Yoshimitsu..." He left it at that; after all, what else can you say about that?

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, present day.

Fire.
The flames around us blossomed, and we stood firm.
We'd been ambushed. Beside me, Tobi stood tall and proud, putting his mask back on, concealing his scars again. I didn't take my mask off much anymore. Not since Luna had hit it with like ten spells. My face was just a mass of scar tissue now. Still, we stood proud. If we were going to die, then we were going to stand tall and proud. Celestia and Luna looked at us, faces filled with righteous indignation. When we saw the jewels, Tobi tried to use Kamui, but they spotted that and blasted at him. There was a clear message- we were not going to escape.

So, because we were mad, we fought. I drew my sword, feeling the chakra flow through the blade. Tobi slammed his hands together, and trees sprouted at them. Celestia raised her mighty warhammer, the Sun's Wrath, while Luna raised her scythe, the Moon's Edge. Cheesy names, but considering that Celestia's warhammer could smash through solid marble, we were on guard.

The battle was long, and brutal, and entirely one-sided. In their favour.
Oh, we tried, but for every Wind Release blast and Wood Release, they countered it with impunity. Tree and sword clashed against war hammer and scythe, and we were, slowly yet surely pushed back, into one small area. We both knew, then, that we were not escaping our prison. Might as well make a good pose, then.

As they levitated the jewels around them, I posed, sword in my right hand, left hand outstretched, while Tobi just airhumped while flipping the bird with both hands. We knew... that this had been our final battle. And the rainbow surrounded us.

I rose, sweating. Looking around, I gripped my sword. Just a dream.
"Sempai?" I turned, to Tobi looking at me, concerned.
"It's nothing." But it wasn't; the lies we tell ourselves. I mused on this, only to be interrupted.
You were invaded by the Nudist Invader.
I looked at the message blearily.
"Whuh..." Then it hit me like a fat man with dihorrea running to a toilet.
We were being invaded. Tobi realised it too.
"oh man, oh man, this isn't good..."
Our invader appeared. I squinted in the night. It was a... a naked man, holding two bows in his hands.
He then charged us, slapping his ass with his two bows. We reacted in a manly fashion.

"RUN! RUN! RUN LIKE A BOSS RUN LIKE A BOSS!" Yep, we ran like a pair of absolute bosses. As we ran, him slapping his ass all the way, I reflected that, ironically, he was the best invader we could have hoped for. God forbid that a Giantdad come through. I shuddered. That's something that we would never wish on Celestia.

Canterlot

"We were apparently invaded by that... human," Celestia felt that the term wasn't appropriate for what that even was, "but why now? Why get invaded by that human now?" Twilight mulled it over.
"Maybe they accidentally summoned that thing?" Celestia nodded.
"Yes. It possible that Tobi and Yoshimitsu might have summoned it on accident. It certainly was not peaceful." Luna snorted.
"Bah. Knowing those two, it could have easily been an ally, like that Solaire creature thou encountered, Spike." Spike nodded. looking at the sword again.

"Yeah, but he seemed to be a cool guy if you knew him. I mean, he did give me this to learn about." Celestia nodded.
"Regardless of whether or not they summoned that invader, we must find them as quickly as possible. We have no idea where they are right now."

Tobi's P.O.V, present day.

As we ran like bosses, a thought struck me. From what I could remember of the Nudist Invader, he was pretty weak. So...
I quickly turned aorund and locked my Hax Sharingan eye with his.
"I am Tobi, and you will obey me." He slowed. I grinned evilly.
"Listen to my words..." Yoshimitsu slowed down.
"What are you doing, Tobi?" In response, I grinned.
"We still need to get our cool car back, right? We need a distraction." Yoshimitsu paused, then nodded.
"That's evil. Do it."

Ponyville.

Everypony in Ponyville woke up blearily to the sound of music playing. It sounded vaguely like a rave concert. A couple of ponies heard
silent footsteps, and went out to see. Then, a naked human, armed with two bows, dashed into Ponyville square, running around and slapping his ass for no discernible reason.. Ponies screamed and locked themselves in their houses, not noticing the two original humans come and quietly steal the engine. Then again, if a naked human just appeared and started running around following ponies, then they weren't going to check.

On the cider engine, Tobi turned to Yoshimitsu
"Okay, Sempai, it's dark, we've got like a ton of apples in the cider making machine, we've got no donuts, and we're wearing masks."
"Hit it." With that, they drove off into the night, their pursuer driven by Tobi's eye into madness.

Oh hey, another bro!

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago

I watched the manticore wander below me with bated breath. Then, I sprang into action. Silently, I jumped onto its back, flaring the power through the blade and spearing it in the head. It was either the manticore or us, and we didn't want to starve.

Later, as we huddled with our meals around a hastily built campfire, Toby turned to me. With the mask removed, I could see just how... lost he was. I suppose I was lost as well. As we tore into our hunks of meat in silence, a thought struck him.

"Hey, Josh?"
"Mmm?" I mumbled around a mouthful of meat.
"...Do you suppose we'll ever find our way home?" I swallowed the mouthful of tough flesh and thought.
"Yeah. Don't worry about it man. We'll do it." I buried my face in more meat. It really needed little things- like salt, pepper, hell, flavour in general. But it kept us alive. Kept up from starving. But we needed fruit. Our bowels were starting to lock up.

"Hang on a minute, Josh." I turned. Toby was grinning
"What is it?"
"If what we're doing is like chakra, then do you think..."
"Do I think what?"
"That we could do the, you know... Rasengan!" I stroked my chin. What he was suggesting was madness. Rasengan was one of the most difficult techniques that was ever shown on the show- the ability to focus all that power into a tiny spinning ball, like a miniature drill. No handsigns, just pure chakra control. Theoretically, anybody could master the jutsu. They just needed control.
"Rasengan."
"Yeah! It can't be too hard! All we need are some balloons, and some rubber balls!" That actually sounded interesting.
"That's a goal to work towards. First, though, let's get some sleep. I'll take first watch."

Toby nodded, curling into a ball. With a clap of his hands, leaves surrounded him.
"Wonder what chakra nature you have..." With that, he drifted off to sleep. I watched, then donned my helmet. Nothing was attacking our camp. Although...

Hesitantly, I picked up a leaf. I concentrated, feeling the power- chakra- flow through me, into the leaf. It split lengthways. A Wind nature, eh? That explained the sword blasts. I focused on the short sword. Although my long sword now had the power to unleash energy blasts, I knew it was thanks to the short sword. I gripped it.
"Tell me your secrets. "The sword didn't talk back immediately. But as I was about to put it away, I heard- or felt- a presence in it and my new sword.

I glared at my long sword. "What's your story? What should I call you?"
...Yoshimitsu... The name floated through my consciousness like a leaf on the wind. So what I held in my hand was the original Yoshimitsu, eh?

Well, time to get practising. We were more than capable of running from them, but the next time... if we had to fight, we had to be able to fight. Toby seemed to have Wood Release down pat, but I barely knew what my own powers were.
Okay, there's the energy blasts. That's a start. Now, if what we're using is chakra, then...

I concentrated on my gut. The power seemed to bubble there. I drew in a deep breath, focused on what was happening, then let fly, expelling it through my mouth.

The result of my little experiment? A ball of purplish-black mist, which hung for a moment then faded. So, I'd mastered Bad Breath, then.

I will have to become stronger.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, present day.

As we trundled along, something struck me as off. Why had nobody summoned us? The summon sign could be visible from any world that was Equestria. Maybe we should make another mark. Beside me, Tobi had the same opinion.

"Hey, sempai. Another mark would be good."
I nodded. "That way, we have an escape route should Mighty Whitey find us. Speaking of, are you sure she isn't... you know... scrying on us?"
Tobi nodded. "Even if she tried, we'd detect her in a heartbeat. We're both sensor-types, remember?"

I nodded. The ability to track lifeforms that came too close to us was an ability that'd saved our asses from hell and high water more times than I cared for. Even now, we’d sensed several Royal Guards strafing the area, trying to find us no doubt. Well, we were on the road trip now, and nothing barring another lengthy prison sentence was going to change that.

It was at this point that we felt a tug.
“Sempai?”
“Yes?”
“I think we’re being summoned.”
“That we are.”

With that, we disappeared for parts unknown (actually, the Crystal Caves, but Parts unknown sounds much better and more badass.)

When we reappeared, it was with a song of ice and fire. Thinking fast, I whipped out my sword and made a badass ninja pose (you know the one, where the ninja has his sword overhead in a totally impractical manner,) while Tobi whipped into the ‘Praise the Sun’ gesture. Some things never change. Was this what it was like for Solaire? If so, then man was he a total bro.

I got a good look at our summoner. He seemed to be tall, and a evil wizard looking guy. Eh, won’t judge. We stared at each other in silence, until Tobi broke wind.

“Dude, that was disgusting. Don’t fart in front of some bloody wog.”

“Who’re you calling a wog, you freak? And where the hell did you two come from?” the wizard (I decided to refer to him in my head as Mr Wizard) said, crossing his arms, and glaring daggers with the green lights that we assumed were his eyes.

“Sempai, should we introduce ourselves?”

“Why not?”

Tobi bounced over. “Hello! I’m Tobi, and this is Yoshimitsu. And we’re from another Equestria. What do you need help with? OH! We should give him the chakra power! After help though. We can definitely do that.”

I nodded. “State your business, and we’ll help you however we can.” Mr Wizard seemed confused.

“Business? What business? I was just fine until you two showed up!... But now that you’re here, I guess I could have a use for you. You two know where the Canterlot dungeons are?” Mr Wizard asks, businesslike in tone and posture, and he casts a bored look at us with his glowing, green eyes, as if not expecting us to know the answer. Well, just to screw with him, I decided to faux-ponder, then answer him bluntly, like a man losing his virginity.

“Yes. Why, did you drop the soap?”

Tobi nodded along with me. “He might have done. Yanks are into that, right?”

Mr Wizard seems out of sorts.

“... Um… I take it that’s a no, then?” Mr Wizard asks, looking completely out of it, like he wasn’t sure whether or not he was tripping balls. Well, we might have been, but not him.

I waved my hands and rolled my head to emphasize the negative. “Of course we know where the dungeons are. It’s where we summoned our buddy, Sunbro.”

“Speaking of Sunbro, I’m guessing you haven’t met him. He’s pretty cool.”
Tobi looked at Mr Wizard and patted his shoulder, eliciting a jump backwards. “So, how can we help you out this fine morning?”

I held out a hand dramatically. “It might not be morning. It could be the afternoon.”

Tobi nodded earnestly. “Very true, Sempai.”

“... Yessss…. Well, if you two REALLY want to help, I need someone free from the dungeons. You two are familiar with breakouts, right?” Mr Wizard asks, becoming hopeful as he paces to and fro impatiently. Maybe he had to go to the bathroom?

Tobi shrugged, thinking hard. “Yep.”

Mr Wizard seems to be relieved at this statement. I grinned behind my mask. “Naturally. We ARE ninja, after all. Who do you want to be freed, and where are they?”

Tobi looked at the wizard. “Maybe THEY dropped the soap.”

I shrugged. “From what I heard, they don’t even provide soap in pony prisons. It encourages those kinds of scenarios.”

Tobi backed away, his hand over his mouth. “But… it isn’t a prison drama without soap! Where would all the fanservice be?”

I shrugged. “The police, obviously.”

“Hey, focus! I need a breakout to happen, yes, but not in the conventional sense. In layman’s terms, I don’t need someBODY broken out, but more like someTHING. There’s a demon down there that I need free if I’m to create a big enough diversion to get the hell out of here. You do this, and, uh, I guess I’ll reward you or something. Can you do this, you know, without somehow only screwing everything up? Because the last phantom I summoned did just that.” The wizard snaps, smacking us both upside the head with a vengeance to get our attention.

“Ow… okay, we can do that. Hang on a moment.” Tobi summoned his camera, which made Mr Wizard jump back. Before he could react, Tobi took a photo of him.

“Okay, what was with that?”

I hastened to explain. “You know, we were just taking a photo to commemorate our partnership. Now, a demon’ll be easy to find, thanks for that. Also, one more thing: are you a brogre? That’s important.”

“Shrek is love. Shrek is life.” Tobi chimed in. We advanced slightly on him, chanting. He backed away, watching us like a cornered mouse.

“Shrek is love. Shrek is life. Shrek is love. Shrek is li-”

“OKAY, STOP THAT!” I think we broke him.

Mr Wizard hyperventilated for a few moments before calming down. He pressed his fingers to his mask in an attempt to be cool. “Yes, I’ll be a ‘brogre’ or whatever, just get the demon free!”

We saluted. “HEIL HITLER!”

With that, Tobi grabbed me and formed some handsigns. We disappeared through the ground. Along the way, Tobi turned to me.

“Okay, he’s a bro. Now we can free the demon. But first… I think that we should plant explosive charges.”

I nodded. It wouldn’t be an awesome visit without blowing something up. “That is an excellent idea, Tobi! Tell you what. You give me the notes, and I’ll go plant them. You can deal with Mr Demon Friend.”

“YAY!”

Tobi deposited me on the surface outside the palace. He then handed me the result of a bored night with pens and pencils- enough explosive tags to blow up most of the castle. I waved at him and made my merry way through Canterlot.

Tobi’s P.O.V, present day.

I burrowed through the rock, searching for a demonic prisoner. I eventually found a pulse of power, as well as… I growled a bit. It was Purple Smart and the Elements of Butthurt! Well, I had a plan to deal with them. First, find a guard. I burrowed around, sensing for a guard who was forever alone. I found one just leaning against a wall, being a bored dude. I gripped his ankle, and pulled him into the ground. As I felt him collapse, I frowned behind my fashionable orange mask. Funny, ponies aren’t bipedal…

I looked at him. Yep, this world had anthropomorphic ponies. “Wow, you’re a tall one.” Before he could talk or scream, I reached down and quickly snapped his neck. He looked funny like that, head lolling and his tongue flopping out of his mouth. I pulled him out of the soil, examined him minutely. Then, with a puff of smoke, I was guard. Not wanting anybody to find him, I sank back into the ground, burying him.

“Here lies guard. He leaned against a wall and died forever alone.”

I blinked at how perfect my henge was.

“Henge is op plz nerf.” With that, I walked through the prison hallways, moving with purpose and badassery. It’s a sad thing, but when you look like you’re on a mission, people will never stand in your way. And it was then that I saw the pleasures and horrors of multicoloured boobs. I thanked my stars that they couldn’t see that I’d just gained a huge erection and turned to them. I acted like the other guards- I pretended that I had a stick up my butt and just kept my face still.
“Princess Twilight, I’m sorry to disturb you, but Princess Celestia has just asked for you and the other elements of Harmony to attend her. Please go immediately.”

“Wait, Celestia’s awake!? I thought she was still in the medical wing!” Twilight exclaims, looking at me with shock and suspicion.

Shit. “Um, well, she, uh…”

Screw subtlety.

“Screw it. Just screw it. I am a badass mutherfucker, I ain’t got time for this shit.” I dispelled the henge and kicked her in the cunt, following up with a clothesline. That done, I quickly activated Sharingan, staring at the blue pegasus, already gearing up for an attack. I implanted three simple commands- kick, block, punch. I slapped her hypnotised attacks aside, and sent her crashing into the wall. Bubba tried to kick me, but I was ready for her. I lunged in past her kick, unleashing a headbutt that sent her unconscious. Gripping her hat, I threw it in front of What’s-her-face and punched her. She went down like a sack of potatoes. Now, only Fabulous was left. I grinned as I saw her backing up in fear of my awesome power. I slammed my hands together, and roots gripped her and snagged her tight. Similar roots were already creeping out of the ground to incapacitate the rest of the Elements of Butthurt. I noticed her breasts and I grinned. I placed my hands on them, enjoying the feeling. She squirmed, and tried to yell out, but a root sprouted through her jaws, cutting her off.
“Honk honk.” I gave them a playful squeeze, then punched her in the horn. I then turned to the demon the six guarded, who was sitting in a cage, doing nothing. Honestly, I can’t see why not: He was a frucking chuby-chubbykins. His great, distended belly gave him the appearance of an absurdly-fat Goron, but with the head of a Trapinch, the eyes of a lazy alligator, the legs of an elephant, and meaty, clawed hands at the end of long, muscular arms that put the muscle wizard to shame, all covered in rough-looking, orange hide. Still, a demon it was, and he was clearly the one I was looking for.

“Hey, I’m a friend of Mr Evil Wizard. Do you want to be free?” I waited for his answer. However, the fat, gargantuan demon simply sat there, yawning, and finally acknowledged me, his voice deep and drawn-out, like a stereotypical retarded giant.

“Ho, hum, ho… Huh? Who’s there?...” The massive wall of fat and bulging muscle yawned, turning, and finally setting his sunken, reptilian eyes on me before continuing.
“Oh, just a tasty guard… But did this one say he was friends with Malideus, dark bane of Ponykind..? How odd. Why would a morsel like you be friends with a dark lord as he, I wonder..?” The demon grumbled, drooling slightly, and he tilted his head, as if expecting an answer, but not demanding one.

“Because I am Tobi, master ninja and assassin. Now, may I ask the name of the hambeast in front of me?” I focused on my hand, and a glowing ball of blue energy formed in my fist.
“The choice is up to you.”

The massive hambeast-demon before me simply looked at the ball, then at me, and then, as if not able to give any fucks, shrugged, yawning once more.

“I suppose I could stand to be out of this cage. As for my name, you may call me Gondon.”

Ha, ‘Gondon’? What a retarded name for a demon! Ah, well, better let this chubby fuck out.

“RASENGAN!” I slammed my Rasengan into the lock, breaking him free. I watched him warily.
“Follow me, and try not to eat them.”

“But I’m hungry…”

“I have a nice guard that you can snack on juuuuust a little ways away. Plus, there’s a shitton of guards out there. Snack on them, okay?”

Hambeast demon broke out into a retarded grin. Seems he likes guards.

Yoshimitsu’s P.O.V, present day.

I wandered, feeling for Celestia and Luna and planting my explosive notes near the load-bearing walls, to be detonated at a later time. I eventually found Celestia, in the treasure chamber if I remembered correctly.
“Halt!” I turned to the guard. He seemed to be repulsed by the blood that covered me, but he stood his ground. A brave idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.
“You can’t-urk!”
I removed my sword from his head and continued walking. As a ninja, I’d killed before, and what was one more death? I was literally covered in blood and bits at this point. No other guard contested my might, they just watched me warily. I walked like I owned the entire world.

I drilled down into the chamber with my sword like a total boss. That done, I dropped down onto Celestia’s bed. I gently caressed her face. “Hello, Celestia.” I sat down, waiting, watching her impressive chest rise and fall while drawing my sword for insurance purposes. I’m not the kind of guy who kills a sleeping innocent unless I have a reason. Guards are just asking for it. Something large was clattering its way towards here, I turned, curious, then back to boobs.

“Halt, whoever you are! Step away from the Princess.” I turned to see a huge fellow standing there in the doorway, clad in golden armour. Given his appearance, I’d say that he’s a guard-fuck. Or… something else.
“Wow, you’re a tall one.” He started, and I waved a hand.

“If you charge, then you’re going to hit her.” He growled, but reluctantly backed down, like an unruly dog. I continued talking, just to mess with the huge-ass giant.
“I don’t kill those who are unconscious, unless I’m paid to do so.”

He seemed horrified with the very notion. “You’d literally attack the Princess if you were ordered to?”

I nodded. “As a ninja, it is inevitable. The guards got in the way of my objective. I was bored, and I have no specific orders. What else would I do, not pass up an opportunity to stare at boobs? It’s been a boring visit so far. Well, apart from the murder.”

He unsheathed a massive battleaxe and took a rather menacing stance for a normal, not insane person who didn’t suffer from synthesasia. I rolled my eyes. “Please. I can dodge you, but can you be sure of not hitting her?”

“You say you’re a ninja, right? Well, I don’t particularly LIKE ninjas, but I know they don’t take orders from just anyone, either. Who sent you?” The giant asks, lowering his axe slightly, but still giving the feeling of glaring daggers at me.

I decided to be as honest as I wanted to be. “Shrek.”

Mr Angry Marine seemed to be confused. “Uh… what?”

“I was only nine years old. I loved Shrek. I had all the movies and merchandise. Every night, I prayed to Shrek, thanking him for the life I had been given. Shrek is love, I’d say, Shrek is life-”

Big Knight raised his left hand, right pressing into his forehead. “You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?”

I held my hands up in supplication. “Alright, you have me.” A pause.

“It was Hitler.”

“Stop bullshitting. It was Malideus, wasn’t it? Who else would want the glorious leader of this fair land dead?” The knight calls me out, hitting the nail dead-on. Well, so much for having fun with this one. But his bullshit moral high ground was totally not cool.

“Fine, you got me. But don’t you dare tell me that I don’t have my own reasons. He didn’t order me to kill Celestia, so I don’t. But before you judge me, let me tell you a bit of a story.”

I remove my helmet, exposing my scarred head. My eyes glimmer through a mass of scar tissue, with no eyebrows or hair. He steps back a bit as I start talking.

“In my Equestria, I… accidentally aggravated the sisters. One thing led to another, and me and my best friend became fugitives. One day, we’re attacked from behind while we’re having a rest. I see Celestia hurt my best friend. Wanna know what happened to him?”

“Half of his face gets hit with a fucking laser beam. So he’s down. I stand up, and Luna hits me in the face with something called a ‘Starlight Breaker.’ You know the horn beams? Imagine twelve of them going off in your unprotected face.”

“After that, we lost our shit. I carved some rivers and valleys, and Tobi manipulated the very forest into being hostile. There, that’s my story.” I replace my helmet. He seems to be a bit shaken.
“Admittedly, this was in the medieval era, like a thousand years ago. Oh yeah, we were imprisoned in stone. For a thousand years.” I get up close to Celestia.
“Can you imagine what it feels like being stone? To feel the sanity slowly drip from your ears as the years go by? To start screaming as you slowly begin to taste colour, hear scents, feel sound… can you imagine what it feels like to lose empathy and regain it?” as I end my little story, the giant seems absolutely shaken, in fact, I can see him tremble.

“But… that was YOUR universe. In this one, the princesses are kind, loving beings, they even welcomed me with open arms after I explained myself! Why would you obey someone as horrible and evil as Malideus, going as far as MURDER, when these people have done nothing to you? Why serve a villain without a second thought?” The giant asks, shaking with rage and conviction as he speaks. I farted.

“Because, Nathan, for all their ignorance, these two know the truth of this world, unlike you.” A voice sounds out before I can reply, and in the doorway stands Mr. Wizard, looking quite imposing as he glares at the great, big soldier. Wait, did he just call me and Tobi ‘‘ignorant’?

“You…” growls the giant, looking like he’s ready to bust a blood vessel. The Wizard does nothing, though, and remains staring at us with his green, condescending eyes.

“Oh, lord… Don’t act so surprised, Nathan.” Mr Wizard says, his glare becoming harsher.

“Oh, hey bro. Charges are set, all I have to do is set them off. By the way, what did you mean about ignorant? We’re insane, we have a right to be total nutcases. Besides, in our universe, our princesses are like yours, and we don’t hold a grudge. They DID try to stop us going on our roadtrip, but that’s about it. You have to understand, Nathan, me and my buddy aren’t really evil. We’re more anarchists. Some men… just want to watch the world burn. Besides, if YOU summon us, we’ll fight for you and your Princess. Hell, just go down to the dungeons if you really want to summon us.”

“Enough! I’ve been here three seconds, and I’m already sick of this! Nathan, remove yourself from this room, or I’ll have Yoshimitsu do it for you.” The wizard says, slamming the butt of his staff to the ground in a display of dominance.

“No! As long as the princess is under threat, I will never remove myself from her side! Not while you have even the SLIGHTEST possibility of killing her!” Nathan says, continuing the back-and-forth. Finally, Mr. Wizard loses it, pointing his staff at the giant.

“Idiot, I don’t WANT to kill her! If I did, I’d have ordered Yoshimitsu to have it done! I merely needed a distraction so I could take something back!” The wizard yells, confusing us both.

“U wot m8.”

Just then, Tobi appears out of the floor. “Hey, Malideus? I set the hambeast free and he’s going on a bit of a rampage.”

Hambeast?
We HATE hambeasts. Hambeasts were what sent us here, what rendered us insane and older than any human being should ever be. I leapt up in a rage. “Wait, the demon was a hambeast? Screw this.” I lifted my armour, revealing the explosive tags.

“Explain what this means, Malideus, or I’m blowing us all to hell!” Tobi nods.
“Yeah, I’ve got my own notes on as well!” He lifts his shirt, revealing that both of us literally covered ourselves in enough explosives to completely level this section of Canterlot. Suddenly, both Malideus and Nathan jump back in shock, the wizard putting his staff up in an effort to protect himself, but Celestia just twitches, mumbles something, and turns over.

“What the hell?! You two are loonies!” Nathan cries, and Malideus seems to be thinking the same thing, though he takes a calmer approach to it.

“Woah, woah, take it easy, both of you! I don’t know WHEN I ordered you to set explosives, but I’m telling you right now, well, more like asking: Isn’t this a bit extreme!?”

I shrugged. “Extreme? Sounds like you’re too sane. Tell you what, Tobi, how about we play a game?”
Tobi bounces happily. “Are we playing Fifty-Fifty?”

I nodded. “When we wanted revenge, this is what we did. We shoved an explosive note into a captive’s mouth, and flipped a coin. Fifty… fifty.” I raised my coin.

“If it’s heads, then everything goes boom. Got it? Unless, Malideus, you tell us what the purpose of the hambeast was.”

Malideus, after some serious thought on his part, seemed to immediately give in to my demands, and raised his arms in a gesture of surrender, proceeding to explain everything.

“Alright, alright! Look, you two, I didn’t know you guys had a thing against fatsos, but come on, it was just a distraction, I already explained that! All I wanted was for Gondon to wreck the lower halls, so I could get to Celestia. Then, I was going to kidnap her, take her to the lair, and mine her for power. You know, bad guy stuff! There, I explained my whole plan to you psychopaths! You happy?!” Malideus screams, and Nathan butts in immediately:

“You don’t get the right to call THEM psychos, when you blew up a city full of civilians IN A MECH!”

Something gets me. “Whoa, did you just say mech?” They nod. Well, Malideus and his friend now deserve the chakra power.

“Tobi.”

“Yes, sempai?”

“I think that we should take a photo for this glorious day.”

“Aye aye!” Tobi summoned his camera and took a quick picture.

“Picture taken!”

I grinned. “All of the tags we’re wearing are fakes. But the ones we planted aren’t.” I darted up to Nathan and Malideus, resting a hand on each of their heads before they can react.

“I want things to be interesting. So, as a gift, I grant both of you the chakra power.”

I roared as chakra poured through my arms, and they screamed in unison as my chakra flooded their systems. Upon this happening, both of the two chumps didn’t even have time to question me before the screaming started, and surprisingly, big guy went down first, and the wizard proceeded to twitch a while longer, before collapsing onto his knees, and muttering something about hating ninjas.

I grinned. “Now, Tobi, teach them handsigns.” Tobi nodded, looking the wizard straight in the eye. “Heed my voice, wizard and warrior. Here are the handsigns.” Implanting the genjutsu in both of them, he got wicked. “Also, whenever you see each other, you, Malideus, are going to start singing the Australian national anthem. You, Nathan, are going to scream, “ALWAYS ANGRY, ALL THE TIME!” Got it?” They dully muttered ‘yes.’ Then, shaking his head, the wizard got up, gripping his head, and completely blowing everything off that Tobi had told him.

“What the shit..? Why does it feel like my head is going to explode? And why is the Australian national anthem stuck in my head?” Malideus asks, looking quite pissed, and Nathan gets up, grumbling angrily.

“Speak for yourself, you PISS-ANT FUCKNUGGET COCK-MONGERING BROGRE PIECE OF EVER-FUCKING SHIT WHORE!!!!!” Nathan suddenly screamed before he could finish his real sentence, and promptly covered his helmet where his mouth would’ve been, the blush on his face visible through his closed helmet.

“What..? What the hell did you do to us, you demented ninja?” Malideus asks, panicking visibly.

Tobi grinned. “It’s simple. You two looked into Sharingan, and I taught you how to use our ninja-jutsu! Also, I implanted the commands because they were funny as shit. Don’t worry, I implanted no other commands.”

I interjected. “We’re not doing this because we’re evil, we’re doing this because we can. You see, we’re gadflies really. We provoke to see response.” I laughed.

“Art is an infinite explosion- just kidding, we don’t really have explosive tags.” We laughed as they collapsed. It was pretty funny to see them realise that two complete lunatics had outmaneuvered them.

“I hate summoning phantoms…” Malideus muttered, before getting up, and walking out of the room, ignoring his previous target.

“Hey, where do you think YOU’RE going, you PISS-AND-CUM-COVERED RAT-FACED MAN-WHORE OF A FUCKING DONKEY!!!!” The big guy roared, covering his ‘mouth’ afterwards. While he was distracted, Tobi took a picture of Celestia sleeping while I fondled her breasts.

“I’m done with this! I’m taking Gondon and going home, you can keep your slut of a princess!” Malideus said, walking away. Finally, Malideus left, and the three of us just kind of stood there awkwardly, and we suddenly felt the feeling of being unsummoned as the wizard left.

“Hey, Nathan. GG no re. If you want to talk to us, just go down to the dungeons, look for the glowing text on the wall. We’ll fight for you!”

“But if you’re going to Ponyville, and you go into a barn, don’t touch the glowing red text, that would be bad.”

With that, we disappeared, leaving a very confused soon-to-be angry marine behind us.

When we got back, it was to discover that blood didn’t traverse the interdimensional void.

“Hey, Tobi.”

“Yes, Sempai?”

“That was fun.”

Author's Note

This is a crossover with Malideus. Go check it out!
Some people might not like Tobi or Yoshimitsu. This is something that needs to be established- if they want to screw with you, you're gonna get screwed with.

Hello, sexy

Tobi's P.O.V, present day.

We drove in silence for a while, still riding on the high of visiting Malideus and Nathan, the bestest bros anybody could ask for.
"Tobi?"
"Yes, Sempai?"
"I think that Nathan and Malideus have a lot of unresolved sexual tension between them. The next time we're there, maybe we should work to rectify that?"
That was a brilliant idea that couldn't possibly fail.
"Sure thing, Sempai! I'll record that in my handy-dandy notebook." I focused, withdrawing a large, blank book from the Kamui dimension. I'd already started to develop the pictures from our trip. It was probably going to be a while before anything else-

Suddenly, the world around us twisted and distorted like a rock being dropped in water. We sat still, letting it happen to us. A thousand years of standing still had dulled our sense of fear to the point that we only really feared the alicorn sisters and maybe the Elements of Harmony. The world around us then stabilised, and we were pulled into another world violently. My mask slipped, covering my sole eyehole. I summoned a shovel from Kamui and held it out in front of me. "Are you trying to ruck with me? Are you even big enough to try that? If you do, then I'll come at you like a bag of hammers!"

"Take it easy, man." That voice... it was the voice of a woman! I pushed my mask up, and the sight in front of me was enough to cause my mouth to drop open. Standing in front of us were... well, whoever they were, they looked almost like us! But there were some... differences. Differences that I didn't really mind.

The most noticeable one was the one opposite me. They were cosplaying as Tobi, but the hair was significantly longer and there were some noticeable curves. The Yoshimitsu had a more exaggerated breastplate and hips. For a moment, we just stared at each other, watching. Then, we both screamed and backed away, waving weapons at each other.
"AAH!"
"AAH!" This continued for a small while. Eventually, we stopped. We walked up closer to our counterparts. With some slight amount of trepidation, I cautiously extended my hand out and touched my female counterpart's face. She was real! My counterpart did the same thing. My excitement peaked. This was actually happening! I was in the same universe as a female counterpart to myself!

My female counterpart laughed and gripped my hand in an iron grip. "Name's Tobiette." I raised an eyebrow.
"The name's Tobi." Next to us, Yoshimitsu and Yoshimina (Seriously, what was up with these names? It's so lazy.) Still, they WERE us after all... and we weren't the most creative names ourselves.
"Tobi, eh? Sounds interesting." I can officially say that I have never, in a thousand years, expected a girl to ever say that about me. Well, I once fantasised about Oprah Winfrey saying that, but that was when I had a thousand years of boredom, so that doesn't count. All I can say is that I am SO GLAD I'm wearing a long coat right now. A thousand years of absolutely NO WHACKING had left me willing to have sex with anything...

A thought struck me: what if our counterparts were the same way? Dear sweet Jesus this is awesome! Still, it would be rude to just solicit ourselves for sex without some meaningful interlude. Fortunately, Sempai was on hand with a witty suggestion.
"How about we have something to eat?" Both of them agreed.
"It's just about time for dinner, isn't it?" Tobiette nodded.
"Oh, yes, yes. Very important, dinner." I got the feeling that she wanted the D very much.

For a while, we just sat there. I noticed that my counterpart seemed about to say something, but thanks to the incredible awkwardness of the situation, she stayed silent. As did I. I mean, I could talk about the elephant in the room, but then I would be... the guy. And nobody wants to be the guy, who ruins friendships based on talking about awkward things. It would be bad. Yoshimitsu-sempai, both of them, were similarly tongue tied. Eventually, i tried to breech the silence.
"Donuts are good here, aren't they?"
"Oh yeah."
"Totally."
A few more moments of silence. Then, Tobiette spoke up.
"Who wants to play a game of Twister? I think I have a board here in my bag." She rummaged through her bag. Like the nosy parker I was, I decided to get up close.
"What's in the bag?" She jumped up, spilling the contents: a wallet, phone, car keys and-
"Are those birth control pills?" She glared at me, pulling out my wallet and exposing the condom that I kept in there in case I got lucky. I made a grab for it but she kept it just out of reach. Eventually, I just gave up.

Strangely, this seemed to improve the atmosphere, and we got to talking about the thing which had occupied our horny nerd minds the most- sex.
"Okay, so in Street Fighter, who would Ryu go for- Chun Li or Juri?" Yoshimina shook her head.
"What about Ken? Have you seen their interactions together?" Meanwhile, Yoshimitsu was thinking about something else.
"...why should Chun Li not go for Cammy. Those muscular thighs, like tree trunks attached to a woman..."
"Those biceps alone could make up another man..." I notice that Yoshimina and Yoshimitsu's hands are getting dangerously close to their lower body parts. I cough. It's a cold day in hell when I'M the rational one. Next to me, Tobiette seems to feel the same way.

I decide to breech the question how normal people would do it.
"If we have sex, is it the most literal incest possible or is it the most intense masturbation ever?" We both asked at the same time. We chuckled a bit. Then, we attacked each other with what little sexual knowledge we picked up from various anime and manga.

I removed my mask, exposing my scars. Tobiette took hers off as well, showing that she had less severe scarring, though it was still apparent. It was so weird seeing another version of myself, separated only by a single chromosome and a fragile interdimensional barrier. Well, the barrier was down. I kissed her awkwardly on the mouth. My tongue, apparently not following any sort of command, sort of flopped around in her mouth like a worm on the end of a hook. Fortunately, Tobiette was pretty much the same. Whatever the case, my boner reached a hardness previously only seen in diamonds.

As one, we started to remove each others' clothing. We were going to do it like virgins- confused, scared, not really knowing what the hells going on but ultimately we'll learn something.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, 1 minute later.

"We're... haah... no longer... haah... virgins." I panted. Beside me, Yoshimina was exulting over her own lost virginity. I thanked God that I had wrapped my willy and turned to her, still basking in the afterglow. Tobi and Tobiette were still going on the foreplay bit. I turned to her, pulling my underwear towards me for a bit more privacy.
"So, what was your name before becoming Yoshimitsu?" She grew a bit distant.
"Well, my original name was Jaina. Yours?"
"Oh, just Josh." We sat for a while in silence, listening to our best friends moaning. "So..." Jaina said.
"When do you think we can go home?" My smile left my face.
"Home? Well, I don't think that we can. Even if we could, well... would we even have a home to return to? It's been a thousand years, everybody we know is dead most likely."

Jaina nodded. "The statue times were the bad times. Not being able to do anything but feel the pain of your own burning face, unable to influence, unable to move, unable to even scream... was it bad for you as well?"
I chuckled grimly. "You got that right." I ran a hand over my scarred face, and moved onto hers. "You know what, Jaina? If we return- WHEN we return- if anybody ever gives you shit about your face-"
"-Then remember that you're beautiful. Is that what you wanted to say, handsome?" She grinned, punching me on the shoulder. "You sound like a girl out of One Piece." I laughed.
"That's a good thing. Means that we've not gone too far down the path of monsters. Though we might have lost our way a bit."

"SEMPAI!" The sound of our two idiot friends calling out for us pulled us out of the realm of philosophical discussion. "What is it, Tobi?"
"WE'RE STUCK!" I sighed, rubbing my forehead. Beside me, Jaina was doing the same thing.
"I swear, Tobiette, you're going to be the death of me..." she moved over to the confused jumble of body parts that was our best friend in another dimension and got pulling. Not wanting to be outdone, I got in there as well.

Eventually, we had to leave; they were on a roadtrip of their own, and trying to stop them would not really help them or us out that much. I kissed my counterpart's hand. Tobi and Tobiette reversed the roles. I shook my head at their antics.
"BYE!"
"Hope you see our summon sign!"
With that, we reappeared back in our home Equestria. As we walked back to our car, I mentally sighed in relief that we'd actually remembered to wrap our willies.
"Tobi."
"Yes Sempai, I did wrap my willy."
"Good."
With that, we drove away. And nothing bad happened.

Author's Note

This is a shorter chapter than normal. Tell me, this is important:
If you met an alternate universe counterpart of the opposite gender and you had sex with each other, would it be incest or masturbation?

Short- The story of the Nudist Invader

Tobi's P.O.V
"So, where're we going, Sempai?"
Yoshimitsu-sempai checked the map. "From the looks of things, we're heading towards some place called Stalliongrad."
I nodded. "So, it's filled with communists?"
"Indeed. The Red Scare never happened here. They also don't have a North Korea analogue."
I nodded. "North Korea was pretty shitty when we left. Wonder how it's going back home?"
Yoshimitsu shrugged. "Obviously, it's been absorbed into the Australian Empire."
"Sempai, there's no such thing as an Australian Empire."
"Well, there should be."

For a while, we trundled along in silence. The air was clear, birds were singing, and the sky was really blue. Our car glimmered a nice shade of red, though there were a few dirt stains here and there.
"Sempai, we should sing a song."
"I know just the one!" With that, Sempai drummed on the side, we sang the most appropriate song for what we felt.

Afterwards, we laughed. "Oh man, that was awesome. I needed that."
I shrugged. It felt better singing here for some reason. Maybe it was the air, or the insanity. Either one.
"So, sempai, I was thinking..."
"Yeah?"
"What was the deal with the Nudist Invader?"

In another universe...
He'd forgotten his name.
He'd forgotten his purpose.
All he remembered...
Was trolling.
He grinned and whooped, running away while the entire Royal Guard chased him. His naked ass shone brightly in the sun, with only a loincloth preserving his modesty.
Modesty.
Who needs that when you're trolling.
He turned to his chasers.
"Why? Please, tell me, why are you doing this?"
Twilight Sparkle looked at him with tears in her eyes.
"I'm a Very Crazy Griefer, that's why."
With that, his Red Eye Orb activated, sending him to another world and avoiding them yet again.

Author's Note

It's an update, at least...?
Yeah, I do shorts now; ideas that I either don't have the time to make into full-blown chapters or a stop-gap between updates.
I resolve to update at least one fic of mine per day, even if it's just short updates like this.

Wish you were here- Stalliongrad (also a crossover of sorts)

Wish you were here- Stalliongrad (also a crossover of sorts)

Celestia looked at the letter in her magical aura and sighed. It was addressed to her in extremely sloppy writing, covered in stamps and stinking of vodka. The thing is, the letter was from Tobi and Yoshimitsu, the Twin Terrors of complete and utter insanity and on par with Discord in how much destruction they could cause. Reluctantly, she opened the envelope.

Hello, Celestia! Wish you were here in Stalliongrad! It's awesome here, wouldn't you say?
I agree. Totes awesome. Anyway, would you BELIEVE who we met?
We met Giantdad! And we went drinking with him and took some pictures. Well, it sort of went like this...

Tobi's P.O.V

I looked at the fortress, concealed within a tree. High walls and a passport check. It seems that it was going to be hard to infiltrate. Well, for people who weren't total badasses such as ourselves. I scouted around for a bit then returned to Yoshimitsu-sempai.
"Well, sempai, what do we do now? Give up, right on the cusp of victory?"
Yoshimitsu shook his head. "I've heard of something called pierogi. And borscht. It shall be our mission to go in and acquire these delicious Soviet foods of Soviet Sovietness."

It was at this point that we saw the simple words:

You have been invaded by Giantdad.

float by our vision.

For a few seconds, we just stood there, not wanting to believe it. We then just... sort of gave up.
"Giantdad? Really? Freaking GIANTDAD?"
I nodded. "It's kind of a weird costume choice, you know."
The black and red phantom appeared and we stopped talking. Full Giant's Armour, Havel's Ring, Ring of Favour and Protection, and of course the Mask of the Father. Held in his mighty hands was the simple Zweihander. On his back, a Grass Crest Shield, so that his stamina just... kept coming back. He spread his arms wide, challenging us.

"Whoa whoa whoa. Let's not be hasty, mr Giantdad. Maybe you should take a break from murdering casuls-"
Giantdad swung his mighty Zweihander through several trees, leaving a clean cut at the word 'casul.'
I continued regardless. "-I mean, the casuls aren't going to be killed by somebody else, are they?"
Giantdad paused, then nodded, sheathing his sword.

Yoshimitsu nodded. "I have a way into Stalliongrad. It'll work."
He explained the plan to us. Giantdad looked mildly horrified, but that might have been his mask.
I grinned. "That plan is totally awesome. Alright, mr Giantdad, you should probably go with Yoshimitsu-sempai. And I'll go on my lonesome."
With that, we applied our henges.

Vodka Shotski was your typical red blooded Hoofiet stallion. He drank copious amounts of vodka everyday, enough for it to be his Special Talent. Thanks to his Earth Pony physiology, he could metabolise alcohol at an incredible rate, and never suffer from a hangover. Today, he was trying a new alcohol that had been presented to him as a gift by unlawful intruders- something called absinthe. So far it seemed to be pretty good, and with the sugarcube he was at least having some solid food.

"Greetings." He looked up and his eyes widened. Standing in front of him was a gigantic ushanka hat, with another one just behind it. It even had the Hammer and Sickle emblem that the founder of Stalliongrad, Steel Stallion, had possessed!
"We are giant ushanka. We would like to enter Stalliongrad right about now."
Shakily, he opened the border control gate. The giant ushanka just walked right on through.
"Thank you, comrade. We hate gay people and capitalists, don't worry."
Vodka Shotski waved them through with a dazed look on his face, his own ushanka tilted. He then glared at his absinthe bottle. Slowly, deliberately, he poured it out and took out a bottle of glorious Hoofiet vodka, unstoppered it and drank most of the bottle.

Never again. Absinthe, not even once.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V

That was significantly easier then we expected. We walked through the town in our gigantic ushanka henges, and we decided to act as Russian as we could.
"SUKA!"
"SUKA!"
We do not know much about Russians.
Fortunately, the Hoofiet ponies were just so confused about our being giant ushanka that they let the 'suka' thing slide.
Also, there were bears on unicycles. I really wish I was making that part up.
"Goddamn it, Family Guy. Just... goddamn it."
The one thing Seth Mcfarlane HAD to get partially right was the prevalence of bears on unicycles. What next, Equestrian sleeper agents that activated when the trigger phrase 'gee, that Italian family over there sure is quiet?'
...actually, that would be fucking awesome. We tipped the bears with a couple of donuts and took pictures of everything.

It was then that I saw it. "Tobi."
Tobi looked at me. "Yes, Yoshimitsu'sempai?"
"They have a vodka tap."
Tobi grinned. "wait, you're shitting me."
"I shit you not, it's there." I pointed. Tobi looked at the vodka tap, surrounded by huge, burly ponies sleeping it off.
'I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Yoshimitsu-sempai."
With that, Stalliongrad was greeted with the sight of two Ushanka hats apparently drinking form the communal vodka tap.

Canterlot
Celestia looked over the photos. One was of the two of them and this 'Giantdad' fellow, swigging down bottles of vodka. Another photo was of them doing some sort of bizarre dance on top of the Kremlin. Yet another was of them spray-painting a rainbow with the words 'Gay Pride' on the outer walls.

She turned back to the letter.

Craziest two days we spent there.
Would you believe that we got sent to a gulag?
Apparently we insulted the mayor by calling him a 'Capitalist pigdog.' Eh, no biggie, we got out anyway.
And we got him back. To see what we done, please refer to the next photo on.

Tobi's P.O.V
"Okay, smile for the camera!"
The mayor, a bushy moustached pony, was weeping. "Please, have some semblance of mercy! Have you no decency in your souls?"
Yoshimitsu-sempai shook his head. "Mercy? What's that?"
We took the picture, of the mayor in a dress. Not just any dress; this was a real streetwalker dress and everything. He even had make-up on! We'd barged in on him putting the dress on, and our thoughts of revenge had been put out of mind entirely. What egg throwing?

It was hilarious. He gripped me. "Please, don't show them to the public I couldn't live with the shame of my biggest secret getting out..."
Yoshimitsu-sempai shook his head. "We're not going to show it to your people."
He looked hopeful for a second. "Celestia bless you-"
Yoshimitsu-sempai tapped his chin. "Funny you should say that, she's the intended audience."
He turned to me. "Are the photos of our trip taken yet, Tobi?"
I saluted. "Aye aye, sir! It's a go-go!" With that, I jumped out of the window and ran for the post office. Once there, I slapped on as many stamps as I could and threw the mail at the nearest pegasus.
"Express delivery to Canterlot Castle, please."

Giantdad had disappeared, we don't know where to, but wherever he was, he was going to kill many casuls. I saluted him in my heart while I started stealing whatever wasn't currently on fire, which was just about everything. I shoved it all into my pocket dimension, sure that it would be useful someday in the near future.

With that, I returned to Yoshimitsu-sempai. "It's been delivered, sempai! We should go!"
Yoshimitsu nodded. "indeed. I hear that there's some train tracks to the frozen north that we can follow."

Canterlot

...as for where we're going, we're not telling. Wish you were here in Stalliongrad, Tobi and Yoshimitsu.
Celestia stared at the letter for a short time, then sighed. At least they weren't just going on a rampage. She slipped the letter away so that she could think on more important matters-

A guard burst into the throne room, panting heavily. Celestia looked at him. "What is it, my little pony?"
He regained his breath, then simply said, "The Crystal Empire has returned."
As that bombshell dropped, Celestia's eyes hardened.
"Understood. Leave me now. I shall inform the Elements of Harmony."
As the guard left, she quickly scratched down a letter. It had slipped her mind that Stalliongrad was relatively close to where the former Empire had once stood...

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V

We both winced as we felt something appear right out in the middle of the tundra, several miles away.
"Did you feel that?"
Tobi nodded, Sharingan blazing.
"It feels as if something interesting has happened."
Tobi gave the impression of grinning. "So, standard policy?"
I grinned behind my mask. "Heck yeah."
With that, we gunned the engine and shot off for our destination.

She is the Bone of our Swords

[centre]Tobi’s P.O.V[/centre]
We drove onwards, still probing for the malevolent magic that pervaded the entire area. Whatever had happened, it was big, it was awesome and it was good to go. We were just in time for the party, as the party was us!

It was at this point that a piece of paper floated into our midst. Yoshimitsu grabbed it. I pulled it over.
"Hey, what's thi-"

And with that, arcane knowledge poured into our skulls. We watched as this blond chick in armour appeared in front of our minds' eye. The Holy Grail, which apparently granted wishes, floated through our minds as well. Seems totes awesome.
As it finished, we blinked.
"Well." I said, sitting down, eyes wide. "That happened."
"Yeah."
I nodded, gesturing. "I mean, that was freaky as all hell. Plus, we can summon a woman to our side whenever we want."
"Said woman is ridiculously strong."
I nodded. "Too right."
A pause. Then:
"Tobi?"
"Yes?"
"I think we should summon her."
"Awesome. Should I get the supplies?"
Yoshimitsu nodded, already withdrawing the eggs that we'd stolen from a farm. "Ready when you are."

The ritual, as far as we could understand, relied on our own power and gave us the ability to command a 'Servant,' whatever the crap that was. Thing is, the Servant had to be called 'Saber,' which was kind of cool.

But as all people know, it isn't a summoning ritual without the proper materials. We parked the car and quickly got out. The ritual was probably bogus, but it would be some good fun, at least. First, Yoshimitsu-sempai carved a rough pentagram in the dirt beneath us. I then grew a copious bush of marijuana and rolled the leaves into several joints. That done, we picked up the eggs and removed our pants.

"Ready?"
I grinned. "Ready? Ready does not even BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT!"
As a man, we used chakra to stick donuts on above the spaces where our nipples were, and smashed eggs into ourselves. Our bodies were running with yolky goodness. Then, we just did the summon spell while brofisting.

"TOBI AND YOSHIMITSU, MASTER NINJAS AND CRAZY BASTARDS, DO SUMMON YOU, SABER!" We screamed in unison, and the universe complied to serve our request.

In a bright flash of light a figure appeared. It was a girl, clad in a Black armor, with a black visor covering her eyes. She also had a black broadsword in her hand. Every article of clothing was covered in red glowing lines which pulsated slightly.

“Upon your summoning I have came forth, Servant Saber. I ask you, are you my Master?” Her voice was cold and monotone, her face absolutely blank, without even a trace of any emotion. Really freaking creepy.

“Um… wow.”
I blinked, then turned to Yoshimitsu-sempai.
“It actually worked.”
He nodded. “Most odd.”
I turned to her. “Well, I… guess so. Though I prefer ‘partner.’ Is that okay with you?”
With that out of the way, we suddenly felt six familiar magic signatures coming close. So, the Elements of Butthurt were coming this way!
“But introductions will have to wait. Alright, we have a plan. How strong are you?”

She Raised an eyebrow at us.

“I’m immune to any Magecraft lower than A-Rank, considering that this world didn’t show any capabilities to cast anything higher than D-Rank I’ more in line of immune to Magic. I can reverse almost any damage done to me, physically I’m stronger, faster and more durable than any mortal.” The red carvings on her sword flashed brighter for a moment. “And if my opponent will be problematic, I have my sword with me, which will annihilate anything that would be in its way.”

We raised our eyebrows. Yoshimitsu was the first to speak. “That’s pretty impressive, but could you throw this car, with me and Yoshimitsu on it, onto a moving train?” We indicated the Pussywagon, as we had called it, to her.

“You see, there’s something rotten in the state of Equestria, and we want to poke it with a stick and see what happens.”

She looked at the car and nodded.

“That is awesome. Oh, one more thing. Since you are now a partner, here’s the plan. First, you will throw the car onto the train car. Then, using your speed, you jump on. We don’t know what will happen, so we could always use help. Now, there are six on the train who might possess something called the Elements of Harmony. Basically, the Elements are weapons that can be used to seal away beings on the level of gods. So try not to get hit.”

Yoshimtsu chimed in. “The bearers are named… huh, we don’t really care. There’s Purple Smart, Bubba, The Dyke, Fabulous, Pink one and What’s-her-face. We like trolling them, it’s funny.”

I pulled out a blunt. “Once on the train, we are going to get baked. You’re welcome to join in if you want.”

“I need to correct several misunderstandings that occurred here. First, I have Magical Resistance higher than anything in this world, and I’m quite sure that these Elements won’t be able to affect me. Second, what is the current limitation on my encounters with the six hostiles that you described? Should I simple defeat them, or a more permanent solution should be applied?”

I waved my hands. “Nah, we don’t like killing much, unless there’s an r in the month, then it’s fair dinkum. So incapacitate, no permanent crippling injuries, and preferably no major injuries. They’re pretty brave, but hopefully they’re not suicidal.”

Yoshimitsu nodded. “As for the Elements, regard the rainbow Fuck You beam cautiously. It might do nothing, or it might seal you away. Don’t take too many chances, that’s all.”

“Understood.” She nodded. “Shall I send you on the train now, or you would want to wait for the last cart?” She pointed at the train that which’s approach we missed due to the talk.

Huh, we almost missed that.“...let’s go.”
We jumped in and gripped tight. “Ready when you are, ms Saber!”

The sword in her right hand vanished and she crouched a little, gripping the edge of the car. Then, without any strain, she lifted it with one arm. Positioning the vehicle in a more comfortable position she jumped. But calling it a simple jumping would have been an insult, the earth under her feet exploded from the power of her take-off, the basically flew right onto the train with a speed of a bullet and landed without any trouble. Then she places the car onto the roof.

“I think this way was preferable, instead of you simply landing on the roof without any way to insure your position on it.” Her voice was still cold and without even a hint of emotions in it.

I coughed. “Details, details. Now!” I pulled out several joints and handed them out. I then slammed my hands together, and wood coiled and sprang out. It formed a rather crude shelter against the winds.
“Who’s up for donuts?” With that, I walked up my shelter wall and sat down, already lighting my joint with a minor Fire jutsu. Yoshimitsu simply leant against it, puffing on his own.

“Due to my healing factor I’m immune to any and all drugs and alcoholic liquids, so it will be a waste for me to even try.” She said without missing a beat. Then she sat down near us and stopped moving, she was like a statue, we couldn’t even tell if she was breathing or not. “I will keep watch if someone or something will try to remove us from the current position by force.”

I winced. “You have a hard life, miss. Still! Have you met Solaire yet? Guessing you haven’t. Over to you, Sempai.”

Yoshimitsu nodded. “The thing is, we’re in sort of the same boat, you and us. We’re humans who were displaced. Now, we’ve been here for over a thousand years, mostly imprisoned. And, well… we haven’t found a way out of here. But there will be one, I’m pretty sure of that.” He offered her a donut.
“All those who aren’t native to Equestria can do is hope.”

She looked at us for a moment.

“Jessica Soer, my real name, and I was in my version of this world for three days.” Her blank expression was making hard to guess if she actually feeling bad about coming in Equestria or not. “My goal is to come back home, no matter what. I have a family and friends waiting for me, and there is absolutely no way I will leave them behind.” She looked at Yoshimitsu. “Did you met this world’s Unicorn who calls herself Trixie?”

“Nope.”
“Never heard of her.” Absently, I practised a Rasengan, dispelling it with a flick of the wrist.

“Pity, she’s great ally and a trusted guide for me in my version of this land. I would recommend you to find her and take with you, if this world’s version is even a half as good as mine, you will gain a great friend and a reliable ally. Also, you’ll probably have to make her drop her ‘mask’ of arrogance that she uses for shows.”

I shrugged. “We’re always up for companions. We might have to teach her the Chakra power.”

Yoshimitsu explained. “We don’t use magic, we use chakra. Are you familiar with Naruto in any way?”

“Yes, I’m familiar with it, and no, I’m incapable of using Chakra, it requires both body and soul, but my body isn’t actually real so you can see the problem.”

Yoshimitsu shrugged. Again, her monotone voice made incredibly hard to guess if she was sad about the fact or not.

Still pity, we couldn’t teach her anything. Yoshimitsu cracked his knuckles and looked away awkwardly. “A shame. Still! We can help you out very, very slightly.” With a slight crack, he handed her a chunk of soapstone.
“This is white soapstone. Write your name down with this, and others will be able to summon you in order to engage in jolly co-operation.”
I chimed in. “Then again, you ARE a summonable being, so this is just another way through worlds.”

“Thank you, but when I will fade from this world it will be just left behind as this body will fully dematerialize.” She sighed. “Being a Servant is not all that good, I can’t actually take anything with me from here, and any wounds or Enchantments just won’t last, first ones because of my healing factor and the second ones because of my resistance to Magic. I can’t even be teleported or scanned with Magic, and that actually is bad because I need to walk everywhere. My speed compensate for it, but considering that I would need to slow down by a large margin to not leave my allies behind… You can imagine how frustrating it is.”

Yoshimitsu soberly nodded. “Well, regardless. Let’s just say, you’re lucky. We’re so old, we’ve forgotten our names.”

I nodded. “I think mine was Toby, and yours was similar to the name you have now. So keep your name in mind, Miss Jessica.”

“Thank you.” She nodded. “If you’ll ever find yourself in need of a trusted blade, summon me. I didn’t have much fun since I landed in my version of Equestria.” She thought for a moment. “Well, I defeated a full-grown Dragon and was attacked by six civilians. Do you know the… mares that goes by the names Fluttershy, Applejack and Twilight Sparkle? That was the names of the three of the attackers.”

I snapped my fingers. “Ah, those are three of the six Elements of Harmony. They’re on the train now. We know their names, we just forget unless we’re reminded of them.”

Yoshimitsu nodded. “Well, enough thinking for now. It looks as if we have arrived at our snowy, miserable destination.”
He turned to me. “Tobi, modify the Pussywagon so that we can drive through the snow.”

I saluted. “Aye aye, sir!” I got to my job with so much enthusiasm. First, I simply used Wood Release to make a large plow on the front of The Pussywagon. Then, I made several treads for the wheels for the snow.

Fortunately, the ponies below didn’t seem to realise that anything was different. With one last addition, I made a simple seat for miss Saber. That done, I Henge’d a cap onto my head.
“All aboard the Pussywagon!”

“As the only female here I will prefer to go by foot.” Saber stood up and walked towards the car. “Also, I’m not sure it will survive the fall from the moving train, so hold on.” She bent down and grabbed the edge of the vehicle, easily lifting it and changing her grasp so her her claw-like gloves slightly pierced the wood.

And then she shot into the air with insane speed, their departure being hidden by the snowstorm. Landing with crack of ice under her feet she put the car down.

“Lead the way, Masters.” It was the first time she showed any emotions, her small smirk was the reaction to her summoners’ slightly stupefied looks at her display of sheer physical strength and speed.

“Right. Onwards, to adventure!” We started the engine and slammed the little gas pedal town. The Pussywagon shot forwards like a bullet, heading in the direction of a rather malevolent source of magical energy. Whatever it was, it was big and bad. And we wanted to poke it with a stick like we always did.

Saber was running, or better say jumping alongside the car, not even showing any strain from the speed or harsh weather.

“Do you have any information on what we would face?” She asked.

“Nope! That’s what’s fun~!”

With that, I used a henge to turn into David Tennant. “Allonsy!”
Yoshimitsu turned into Reggie. “My body is ready.”
With that, we eventually caught up. I waved at Purple Smart.
“Hola!”
Twilight turned on me. “I know that’s you, Tobi. Just… just stop whatever you’re doing and try not to cause too much damage.”
I pulled out a blunt. “You should probably smoke this, it’s good shit.” I then saw the white stallion and waved to him.

“You’re the guy who was married right? How’s the wife?”
Mr Guard pony just facepalmed (hooved? Maybe?) “Nice to see you as well, Tobi. And yes, Cadence is doing fine, no thanks to you.”
Yoshimitsu crossed his arms. “And here we were, driving our car to help you guys out like the Good Samaritans we are. We could get a little bit more respect-”

It was then that the black smoke could thingy appeared. I fell over backwards. Yoshimitsu merely nodded.
“Alright.” He turned to Saber.
“Right, I think it’s the enemy. Hit it until it stops doing whatever.”

Saber took a stance, black mist started swirling around her sword.

[Burst Air]

She swung her sword down releasing a crescent-shaped blade of black with wisps of red and purple energy. It connected with the ice right under the cloud, creating a big explosion making the smoke dissipate a little, but soon return to its previous density.

“No physical body, but there still should be a soul.” Muttered Saber. “This will be trickier than I expected.”

She crouched down and then shot towards the black cloud, creating a pretty decent crater from her take off. Upon approach she saw a pair of blood-red eyes with green sclera and purple smoke coming from their corners glaring at her from the highest part of the smoke.

Without even slowing down Saber changed her trajectory by pushing herself from the ground, flying right at the eyes.

[Burst Air]

Another energy-blade ripped through smoke without causing any actual damage as eyes just moved to the different place.

“So you can project parts of your body all over the smoke, correct?” Asked Saber as she started to fall.

Suddenly a huge black crystal burst from the ground right under her with its sharp tip aiming to impale her. Without even looking she twisted around it, but from the crystal’s sides a bunch of smaller spikes burst forth, trying to kill the black knight.

Saber’s sword was a blur, cutting down any crystal that came too close for her liking. When new spikes started growing from the ground she just twisted around them or used them as stepping stones, while her sword made short work on the ones that were attempting to pierce her.

Suddenly her world went black.

“Using your own form to cut off my vision?” She effortlessly dodged a burst of black, violet and green Magic. “Not going to work.”

Next burst of Magic she didn’t even bother to dodge, it slammed into a sphere of black, red and purple mist that appeared around the swordswoman, not even budging it. More beams of Magic followed but none succeeded in wounding the knight, each new crystal the burst from the ground was cut down faster than it was even fully formed.

“It appears that you’re out of tricks.” Saber stated. “But I’m just starting.”

It was obvious that to kill that damn thing she would need to destroy all of the smoke, and there was only one attack in her arsenal that could pull it off. She held her sword with both hands.

[Invisible Air]

A gale of wind that burst forth from her blade wasn’t actually an attack, more of a method of relocation fo the enemy. considering that its body was made out of smoke the torrent of air simply sent it in the air as a black stream.

When the black mass was fully relocated, Saber started charging energy into her sword. Excalibur Morgan came to life. The power flowing into it made the red lines glow even stronger. The wisps of black smoke started to flow from everywhere and collect around the blade, covering it in a black miasma-like tornado. When the blade was mostly covered something changed, and then suddenly, with a pulse of energy, it transformed into a blade of pure Magic. It still held the same basic shape but was bigger and a bit wider than the original. The construction itself was black, outlined by thin purple light and it in turn outlined by a glowing red edge, that actually shined bright enough to illuminate several meters of the ice around Saber with its ominous crimson light.

[Excalibur]

And then she swung her sword down.

And the world turned black.

The creature made of black smoke didn’t even feel the pain, it was just suddenly gone, erased by the mightiest sword’s in existence power. The tidal wave of raw unstoppable power covered the sky, tearing the clouds to pieces and annihilating everything on its pass.

It was a good thing that the attack traveled above the group of ponies and two humans, or they would have been destroyed by the attack, but they still felt its presence.

Kill…

It won’t show mercy to anyone.

Slaughter…

The blade demanded blood, no matter whose.

Torture…

It will bask in the agony of its victims, their screams of pain were its music, their pain was its euphoria.

Destroy…

It won’t be stopped, it won’t be denied, the corrupted Sword of Promised Victory will claim its target’s life, no matter what.

Two humans weren’t that much affected, they knew that their new friend wasn’t all sunshine and daisies.

The seven Ponies and one Dragon on the other hand were being torn apart by the sheer level of cruelty, evil, malice, corruption, killer intent and bloodlust concentrated in just one sword. They wanted to run, they wanted to hide, but they knew it was all futile, because the monstrosity that was that warrior wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t rest and wouldn’t die before it will kill them all. The pure horror that they were going through was unbearable for such a peaceful and innocent minds, it was something they just could comprehend.

They just could understand how could there be so much darkness in one being

That was the first time that any being in this version of Equestria felt the true nature of All the World’s Evils.

The titanic wave didn’t stop after destroying the being made of smoke, the little thing didn’t even put any resistance. Was it luck or was it fate, but the next thing on the wave’s path was the Crystal Empire.

The pink shield that was protecting the city didn’t stand a chance and its top part was violently ripped apart, along with the top of the city’s main tower. The Crystal Heart that was laying there for more than a thousand years didn’t ever registered as a worthy target as it was erased from existence by the dark light.

All the population of Crystal Empire saw how the sky turned black for several seconds.

Saber let the flow of Magic stop, as she cut off the blast from going too far. After checking her reserves and noticing that she still had more than enough and her Masters were supplying her with more, refiling her pool, she leaped and landed right in front of her summoners.

“Mission accomplished.” She stated with the same blank tone as usual.

I pushed myself up and whistled. “Wow. Awesome.”

We then turned to the Elements of Butthurt. “And THAT is how you solve a problem.”

Purple Smart pointed between us, then her, then back between us again. “You… what… how…”

I teleported up to her and stroked her face. “This is miss Saber. She’s sort of one of us now. We accidentally summoned her, and look, she was a great help.” I poked her.

“Go on, say ‘thank you’ to the invincible woman who could probably kill us all if we weren’t her summoners.”

Aaaaaand The Dyke tries to attack her like an idiot, but not before I quickly grabbed her tail. She struggled mildly. “Saber, if she gets free, don’t retaliate against her, mmkay?”

“Understood.” The swordswoman nodded.

The cyan Pegasus was released and instantly tried to buck Saber in the face. It was an interesting thing to watch, because the moment her front hoof connected with Saber’s nose there was a cracking sound…

...and The Dyke fell down screaming in pain, her right front leg broken from the impact. The fact that Saber didn’t even twitched only made the picture more funny.

“I’m not quite sure what was you trying to accomplish with that attack, but as my summoners said, the problem was solved and I don’t see any reason for your aggression.” Saber then turned to her Masters. “I’m not familiar with the mindset of this world, and considering that almost the same happened in mine after I killed that Dragon in self-defense I presume that any form of self-defense is considered a crime here and I should have let him kill me?”

I waved her off. “nah Saber, it’s cool. Hopefully there’s some kind of medicine or something. She’ll learn. Sempai!”
He grinned. He then walked over, gripped the bits of leg gently, and then concentrated. Green healing chakra flowed out from his hand, enveloped the bloody bits and pulled them together As soon as that was done, he quickly hit her on the head. “There, I fixed a problem.”

The Dyke got up, glaring at us. “What exactly is she MADE of? That was like hitting a brick wall!”
I waggled my fingers. “We don’t know, we’re not smart like that.” I turned to the rather large city off in the distance. “Anyways, let us go. We have touristy things we want to do.” I then turned to Miss Saber. “Would you mind if we were to desummon you right about now? We don’t want people freaking out more than usual.” I turned to the Elements of Butthurt, who thankfully seemed to have cooler heads than The Dyke, who was currently taking a nap.
“And no sneaky trying to attack her while our backs are turned, okay? You saw how well THAT worked out for you.”

“No problem, and thank you this trip, it was entertaining.” Saber nodded as she started to disappear in the black mist. “Feel free to summon me any time you’ll need.”

With these last words she was fully gone, and we felt the contract disappeared along with the connection and slight drain on our reserves. We turned to our sort of friends (frenemies?) and smiled widely.
“Right, let’s go to this place in the distance. It seems interesting.”

Unfortunately, our frenemies were glaring at us. We drove off with them just… staring at us. Eventually, it seemed to connect that we were criminals and they gave chase.
“GET BACK HERE!”

Yoshimitsu’s P.O.V

As we drove through the streets, I saw Tobi pull his camera out and start taking pictures in between throwing the populace a bit of food. I couldn’t blame him, I’d be doing the same thing. These ponies were clearly starving. They watched us in fear, I guess.

I decided to put them at ease. I transformed myself into a sparkly rainbow globe, flashing light all around. None of them are epileptics, right? Right?

Well, whatever the case we plowed forwards into a rather large group of guards, with that pink alicorn mare. I waved at her cheekily. “Morning, miss. How’s the husband?”
She wasn’t amused. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done just now?” Her voice sounded like she was barely holding back her fury. Her eyelid started twitching.

I looked at her. “We just got here. So whatever happened couldn’t have been our fault.”
Candence shook her head. “Oh no, I just checked it. The Crystal Heart was destroyed by whatever just happened. And I know that the two of you were somehow connected to it.”

Well shit.

As the guards came all around us, I weakly put my hands up. “There is a perfectly rational explanation for all of this. Just give me a moment to think of one.”

Author's Note

A crossover with The Black Knight. Go check it out.

Wish you were here- Crystal Empire

Tobi's P.O.V, present day

Yoshimitsu turned to me as we drove through the narrow streets at high speeds. "I blame you for this disaster, you know."
I glared at him. "MY fault? You were the one who told Saber to, and I quote, 'hit it until it stops doing whatever.' Not me!"
"Well, you were the one who summoned her!"
I pulled out my camera and snapped a couple of pictures. "I swear, if we manage to get out of this alive, I will send Celestia a letter about this!" I pulled out some pieces of paper.
"Right, let's get this on..."
Yoshimitsu swore and swerved his car, barely missing some street urchins and instead driving on the walls. The crystal guards behind us seemed to be pretty angry with us. Maybe it was our general lack of morals and stuff?

Whatever. I hmmed and tried to write a decent letter.

Dear Celestia,
wish you were here in the Crystal Empire!
It turns out that we, accidentally, by proxy, managed to destroy something called a 'Crystal Heart.' It couldn't have been all that good if we could break it by a proxy. Then again, our 'proxy' was obscenely powerful. Also, she was a woman, which was nice.

"GET BACK HERE, YOU CRIMINAL SCUM!"

Your niece is nice and well-mannered, by the way. As is your, uh...

I turned to Yoshimitsu-sempai. "Sempai, what's the term for when your niece gets married? What would that be in relation to the family?"
Yoshimitsu-sempai hmmed neutrally. "Well, uh... nephew-in-law? I don't know!" He pushed his head out to look at some crystal pones. "GET OUT THE WAY!"
They complied, needless to say. At the speed we were going and with our huge snowplow on the front, we looked quite intimidating, dashing through the narrow streets of this Crystal Empire.

Your nephew in law is really poilte and stuff as well. Also, is he really Purple Smart's brother? That shit be crazy. Anyway, the Crystal Empire's kind of nice- we saved it by proxy like the good Samaritans we are, and we just HAPPENED to destroy this supposedly important thingy. Can't have been all that important if it broke that easily.

I turned to Yoshimitsu-sempai eagerly. He had the soapstone chunk that we would have given to Saber and was staring at it intently. "Um, sempai?"

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V

I stared at the soapstone chunk. What I was about to do was obscenely stupid, even for us, and could possibly kill me. And yet... and yet... and yet, the risks were definitely worth the reward.
"Tobi, I have an idea. It's so insane, it has to work."
"What is it?"
I grinned and held the chunk up. "I'm going to eat this bit of soapstone."
Tobi's eye popped a bit. "Why on Earth would you do that?"
I explained my rationale. "Well, we have chakra, right? Then we must also be subject to the dreaded... Plot no Jutsu."
I absent-mindedly swerved us around a corner and down some stairs.
"S-s-s-s-s-s-o-o-o-o-o, I-I-I ttthhhhi-i-i-i-n-n-n-k-k-k th-a-a-a-a-a-t-" We hit the ground and continued unmolested. "So I think that if I eat this, then I will gain soapstone powers." If Madara Mary Sue Uchiha can stitch genetic material from Hashirama into his wounds and gain wood release, then why shouldn't I be able to eat this stone and gain the power?
Tobi just stared at me. "That is literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard, sempai."
I grinned. "Exactly. It is so stupid that it can't not work." I lifted it to my mouth, paused, then pulled out a bottle of vodka.
"To wash it down," I explained. Tobi stared at me. "You're a crazy, crazy man if you think that's going to-"

Without further ado, I popped the soapstone in my mouth and got to chewing.
"-oh my god, you actually did it. You actually ate it."
There was a pause, during which Tobi took the wheel and steered us clear of a rather large wall and through a secret gate.
"So, what's it like?"
I chewed contemplatively. "It's kind of chewy. And crunchy at the same time. Chewy-crunchy." I swallowed it and took a shot of vodka to aid its downwards descent.

Tobi facepalmed. "Sempai, that is really, really stu-"
It was aat this point that my genius plan really took ahold. My eyes tingled and then sort of burst into fire, or so I thought. As the lightshow went through my eyes, one thing came to mind:
Fucking multiverse, how does it work?
And like that, I was shown. For one second, everything the multiverse had to offer flashed through my mind. I winced, my prior insanity cushioning the blow just enough so that it was bearable, and then it was over. I sagged in my seat.

"Sempai? Sempai, are you alright?" I looked at Tobi. Good old Tobi, looking after his friend. I looked around.
"Where are we?"
"Underneath the Crystal Empire. When you sort of went crazy and spazzing out, I pulled us beneath the soil and burrowed towards a storeroom. You've been out of it for a while."
I nodded. "I know, the multiverse can do that to a guy."
Tobi looked at me. "Wait, hold up. You saw the whole multiverse? As in, you saw it all?"
I nodded, and Tobi sighed. "Damn, sempai, that's crazy." He paused, looking at my eyes.
"By the way, you seem to have picked up two Byakugan. Probably really stupid, the weakest eyes in Naruto. Can't even do half the cool shit."

My hands flew to my eyes, poking them. "Wait, really? Shit. I was hoping for Rinnegan personally." Don't judge, a Rinnegan would have been a tremendous help to us.
Tobi waggled a finger at me. "A, I'm the one who is likely to get the Rinnegan, you know. Senju DNA and a Sharingan." That was very true; still, Tobi with a Rinnegan would be freaking terrifying. Still, at least I didn't have a third eye in my forehead. "That's kind of cool though. I have X-ray vision now." I tapped my fingers together and focused.
"Byakugan!"
I couldn't do it. Tobi winced at that and started explaining to me.
"Yeah, about that. You, well, kind of suffered from a bit of chakra exhaustion. Had to get some food down your gullet so that you didn't fall completely asleep." I winced; good thing I wasn't out of it for a week then. "Right, hand me some food so that I can recover my strength. I really want to try this out."

With that, I forced myself to stand and accepted a donut.Taking a large bite and savouring its sugary flavour, I walked forwards with Tobi trailing behind. Wherever we were, we were likely to find something that would interest us or at least be worthy of our vague ignorance. It might be a bit medieval for our tastes, but now we could do what we wanted, which was mainly to explore unmolested by the guards or the Princess. Or the Elements of Butthurt.

We wandered through, feeling for the magic of the ponies above. We didn't really feel them anywhere near us, so Tobi had really hidden us well. One thing we were sensing though was a faint energy signature. Like, really faint. Barely there, but still noticeable. We homed in on it and we had to go up several levels. We were almost discovered a couple of times, but then we just applied a henge- me being green crystal pony and Tobi going orange.

We eventually arrived at a rather large podium, covered in a rather strange, sparkly blue dust. I turned off the Henge and trailed my fingers through the stuff. "I'm guessing that this is the Crystal Heart."
Tobi nodded. "Yep, only thing it can be."
I paused. "I think that we should try and get this thing repaired."
Call me crazy, but I think that might be for the best. Tobi just nodded. "Best plan ever." He pulled out a large sack and a broom and started the tedious task of sweeping the dust in.

I guarded the door to the room, but I didn't really need to guard it. Tobi finished sweeping it all up. "Done." He looked at me and grinned.
"It really did look a bit like crystal meth, eh?"
I rolled my head. "Given that it came from the CRYSTAL Heart, I think it might have just been a drug thing."
"A drug thing of crystal meth in the thousand year past? That sounds both terrifying and awesome."
I hopped about on one leg. "Indeed! No wonder they thought it was important!"

Tobi's soapstone fell out of his pocket. He bent down to pick it up. "Ah, I'll just put this back and-"

It was at this point that several rather improbable events happened. The first was that Tobi's mask fell off for the first time in one thousand and fifty years. The second was that a rather large magical explosion occurred on the opposite wall, allowing the alicorn princess to come in. The third was that the soapstone released a small cloud of grit on that explosion, getting into Tobi's unprotected eye. Truly, a combination of unexpected and unfortunate events.

The result? Tobi screamed and tried to rub the grain out of his eye while putting his mask back on as quickly as he could, the pink alicorn to look at the sack and the clean room and put two and two together, and me being forced to retaliate.
"Wind Release: Cyclone!" I spun around with my sword, creating a large cyclone to sweep the love alicorn up and take her far away from here. As soon as she saw it she tried to get to us.
"Oh no you don, Yoshimitsu! Don't you dare cause more destruction than you've already made!"
She tried to tackle me, but I sidestepped her and threw her into the cyclone that was still raging. She put up an admirable struggle.
"Where do you think you're taking the remains of the Crystal Heart?" She shouted. I looked at her vague direction.
"To be repaired, of course."

And with that, we'd caused a bit more destruction that we'd cared to make. I looked at Tobi, who was panting on his hands and knees. "Tobi, you alright?"
Tobi looked at me. His eye, thankfully, had not transformed into a Rinnegan, just an ordinary Mangekyo Sharingan. ONly this time, it seemed a bit... different. The main design now had an additional, slightly smaller spike on the other side, making it a little bit more complicated.
"I'm good, but I think I have the secret figured out."
I looked at him cautiously. "What secret?"
Tobi grinned maniacally. "Well, you know how soapstone allows one to travel the multiverse?"
"Yeah?"
Tobi thumbed me up. "I've figured out how to travel with Kamui."
I paused. "Dude, that's awesome! So we have a way home then?"
Tobi shook his head. "Alas, not really. We don't really have the necessary way back home for something like that. But we can travel to other Equestrias like a pair of absolute ballers now!"
I nodded. "Get the car, we're going on an even bigger roadtrip now."

...so, after we did that, we got our car and have now driven off to parts unknown. Wish you were here in the Crystal Empire!
Celestia sighed, massaging her forehead. "Oh god. I have such a headache right now."

Short- a rather personal delivery of the letter

Celestia looked at the letter, which had been attached to the captain of the guard. ONly her own quick thinking had saved him from smashing into the opposite wall.

"What on Equestria have they done to you, Shining Armour?"

Earlier...

"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!"

"No!"

Such was the witty banter between fugitive and Captain of the Royal Guard as they weaved through the narrow streets. Shining Armour growled. He could slow them down slightly, but all it would reall accomplish was another blow to his pride. Around them, the cyclone raged. Suddenly, Tobi stopped, and started...

What the hell was this being even doing? He seemed to be shaking his ass in a very... strange way.
"Have you decided to give up?"
Tobi appeared to be thinking about it.
"Yeah, nah, you're a shit cunt mate."
Shining Armour saw red and lunged forwards at the sheer audacity of that insult. Tobi effortlessly dodged, and the Elements of Harmony watched his approaching.

His fingers clicked together into a familiar position. Tobi looked at Shining Armour with a neutral expression. Twilight gasped.
"SHINING! GET OUT OF THERE!"
She hastily examined the situation. Alright, his claw things are together in a, well, poking position. Wait, didn't the Princess say that when his hands got like that he was going to use a fire spell of some nature?
Before she could really analyse the situation further, Tobi attacked, eyehole glimmering with an unholy light.

"KONOHA SECRET TAIJUTSU: A THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!"

With that chilling statement, he...

Twilight couldn't believe it. Tobi's hands had gone.

In her brother's, well, rectum.

Rather than some sort of epic spell, it was just the most foalish prank she could think of.For a while, the scene was a frozen tableau, Tobi's fingers deep within Shining's, well, butt, Shining standing absolutely still. Then:

"AAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhh..." Shining Armour was sent flying forwards through the air, screaming in pain as liquid pride oozed from his eyes. He cleared the mountains and headed straight for Canterlot. Tobi seemed to be waiting, then:
"GGGGGOOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!"
He then started dancing bizarrely as Twilight and the other Elements of Harmony jsut gawked at what had just happened.

Canterlot Medical Wing

Shining Armour grunted as he tried to get up. A medical unicorn held him down. "Sir, your rectum still hasn't fully healed yet! You should get back in bed. Oh, and try not to sit down for at least a couple of months. Also, solid foods are a no-go zone for at least the same length of time."
Shining Armour shot him a glare. "I have to recover quickly, before that asshole gets away!"

Author's Note

You wanted it, you got it.

A Sassin's Creed

Author's Note

A crossover with The Silent Blade. Go read it and stuff.

A Sassin's Creed

Tobi's P.O.V

As soon as we'd escaped, we had to get the Pussywagon, which was a minor exercise in sneaky sneaky and not stabby stabby. We were good at both, but we really didn't want to get on Celestia's bad side even more than we already had. This was why we were relying on the shock value of our Henges more than our appearance.

Let's see how they react to the giant ushanka disguise. Probably very badly, if Stalliongrad was any indicator.

As soon as they saw a pair of giant ushanka coming towards them, the sparkly guards hesitated for a second. One, teensy-weensy yet vital second. Enough for me to fly forwards like an angry hawk and punch their shit. That done, I turned to Yoshimitsu-sempai, who had dealt with his own guards via the simple yet effective hilt slam. He turned around to me.
"Let's ride."

I nodded. "We can't stop here for long, this is bat country."
With that, I hopped into the driver's seat and started the engine with a flare of chakra. Yoshimitsu-sempai nodded. "Take 'er away Ern."
I nodded, flooring the accelerator pedal. We shot forwards once again. In the city, the cyclone still raged, and my fingers smelled uncomfortably of another man's butt.

I didn't concentrate on that, I was too busy pulling us in to The Void. The Soapstone grit had shown me a beautiful multiverse, as well as a means to travel through it- The Void. A featureless expanse where nothing fun or interesting really happened, my Kamui dimension would make going into it really easy, but I wanted to do things in style. My eyes swirling effect surrounded the Pussywagon. Yoshimitsu watched with an appreciative eye.

"Tobi, how fast are we going?"
I Henge'd into Doc Brown. "We have to be going at eighty-eight miles per hour, Scotty! Eighty-eight miles per hour!"
We drove forwards at high speeds, approaching a wall. I checked the speedometer. "Eighty-six miles per hour! Eighty-seven miles per hour!"
That wall was really close now, but Kamui was almost complete. Finally:
"EIGHTY-EIGHT MILES PER HOUR!"
And with perfect timing too, as we disappeared into The Void at that precise moment.

The Void reminded me of one of those bad acid trip things. We drove through a vortex of swirling colours and random clock-faces appearing out of nowhere. We didn't really care, we had places to go, people to see. Or people not to see.

Yoshimitsu opened his eyes. "BYAKUGAN!"
I watched appreciatively as his eyeholes, formerly just plain white, gained a slight pupil to them. Yoshimitsu nodded in appreciation. "Dude, I can see where things are relative to us now! Oh my god, make a left turn."
I shrugged. "Why?"
Yoshimitsu glared at me. "Because it's bacon Equestria."
I swerved the Pussywagon towards that direction as quickly as I could. Bacon Equestria? Yes, a thousand times yes. It was just then that something more interesting flashed across my senses, and I swerved. Yoshimitsu-sempai tried to steer it back, but it was too late, we exited The Void-

Only to encounter a sleeping manticore at twelve o'clock. Before we could really react, we ploughed into the manticore and sent it flying, towards a rather marshy area.
"Shit." Yoshimitsu-sempai briefly twitched his head, but didn't acknowledge the source.
A hydra popped its heads up and hissed in our general direction. Oh goody.
"Well thanks a lot, assholes."
Yoshimitsu made a hand-sign saying ignore as long as possible.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V

I was pretty annoyed that we'd swerved from Bacon Equestria to just another universe where there was a chump here. I turned to Tobi, and I extended my arm and rolled my head in my amateur Noh routine.
“Kohai, I told you that we needed to have made a left at that bit of the Void! Then, we would have gone to the Equestria made entirely of bacon!”
Tobi shrugged non-commitally. "But sempai, this one felt interesting! You have to admit, one minute here and we’ve already hit a manticore into a hydra.”
I was forced to concede the point on that one. Hitting a manticore into a hydra was just one of those things that you couldn't really forget. Still, bacon Equestria. So good for your tongue, but so bad for your heart. I nodded, conceding his point. “That may be so, that may be so. At the same time, bacon. You know that you would want a piece of that tasty world.”
Tobi nodded, pulling out a knife and playing with it. “But if everything was bacon, sempai, wouldn’t it technically be eating dirt?”

“Oi, fucknuggets!” I absently scanned him. He was weak in the ways of the Force, so I motioned to continue ignoring. “I don’t know what the hell you two are on about, but if you could maybe stop talking for a second and help me kill this hydra, that’d be great.”

Well, we continued, until he said something that shocked us to the very core. “Bacon is for chumps!”

Well, after that it means war in any case. Tobi, as was normal, turned quickly and threw a knife at him, barely missing. Tobi then focused on him. “Fuck you, bacon is awes-”
He then stopped. “Sempai, it’s a guy in a hoody.”
I pretended like I hadn't been spying on him like crazy and looked. I then nodded. “Huh, so it is.”
A low, guttural growl alerted us to something bad. We turned, and we saw four large, reptilian heads, all staring directly at us. “Oh. Right.”
I then got up, cracking my joints. This was going to be awesome, fighting a hydra. I signed for Tobi to stay back and watch. “Fine, I guess I can kill these things for you… if you’re too much of a wuss or a vegan to.”

Italian Hoody Ninja drew his sword, which was made of inferior American steel I guess. “I’ll take the manticore, you two keep the Hydra off of me. Deal?” Sounds fair to me. I nodded, drawing my own katana, while Tobi gave us both a thumbs up. “Oh, and a word of warning: I don’t know how it is back wherever you’re from, but hydras here have almost uncuttable, magic-proof scales, so that sword might not be too useful. Best thing to do is go for the eyes.”

I didn't really focus on him, instead keeping my Byakugan trained on the Hyrda. I vaguely saw flashes of him tearing into the Hydra like a totally metal dude. Hardcore. I then watched him manage to mostly lop its tail off. That was pretty impressive, such an arm with such an inferior weapon. Even Japanese plane wings were SHARP LIKE KATANA- oops, I nearly got hit by this ting. I neatly sidestepped, exuding my killing intent on it. It didn't really seem to mind that I was delcaring my intent to murder this thing for nibblies.

Fuck, this is one relentless bugger. I thought.

So, I decided on the best course of action. I walked up to it, slowly and carefully, giving it a chance to see exactly how many fucks I gave about it- zero. I looked up at it and started scratching my neck. Don't judge, my neck was itchy. “Magic proof scales, huh? Well, time to… meditate.”
With that, I went into Indian Stance, and focused. I wanted to take out every single head in one strike, so I should probably aim for the outer head. I spun around, picking up speed, then I screwed up slightly, instead of a sideslash, I was aiming for a downward slash. So, I hastily changed direction for one of the two inner heads, cutting through it with ease. Like an awesome butcher. The other three heads focused their concentrated wrath on me, but I had a plan. When two of them lunged at each other, I jumped off and watched them tear out each other's throats.

I landed on the ground and effortlessly backflipped away like a boss. “Huh, this is surprisingly easy. You sure this was a challenge?” With that, I sheathed my sword and aimed my fingers. Channeling chakra through my fingertips, I shaped it into an invisible blade of wind, and uttered the simple, badass words only ever spoken once.
“Fuuton: Wind Blade!” With a 'no fucks given' flick of my fingers, the last head’s eyes were impaled with an invisible blade of razor sharp wind. As the beast finally collapsed, I said a pithy one-liner to signify how much of a challenge that was.
“Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.”

I could feel Italian Hoody Ninja staring at me with his mouth open. Heh, I must have blown his mind with that display. I deactivated my Byakugan and watched the ensuing display. First, the manticore pounced on him. Naturally, he retaliated by slashing at its face with his inferior Italian sword, blinding it. This caused it to roar and swing wildly with its paws and tail, but since it didn’t know where he was, he nimbly ran behind it and severed the tail at the base. It roared again and whirled at him, but this time I think that Italian Ninja Gangster was ready for it. Italian Disaffected Teenager leapt onto its back again, and swung his Italian baby sword as hard as he could into its neck, severing its head. It flopped to the floor, dead, and he jumped off it and walked over us with a fairly impressive walk.

“Wow. I’m impressed, I’ve never seen someone take down a hydra so easily. You have got to show me how you did that.” he said, and of course, Tobi was happy to oblige him.

Tobi lazily pulled out another knife. “It’s easy when you’re using chakra. Yoshimitsu can induce a chakra system in you.”

I nodded, as I was a pretty decent dude like that. “Indeed. I can induce it. But first, let us help you carry these things back to your camp. Tobi.” Tobi understood what had to be done. Neither of us could carry a fully grown hydra back without the car, and we didn't want hydra blood to get on our sweet Pussywagon.

He placed his hand on it, and focused. “Kamui!” The hydra's corpse disappeared into the Kamui dimension, where it would stay until we would eat it.

Italian Casual Homewhere Ninja gaped at another display of our PURE AWESOMENESS.

“Wow, I do not want to know what is behind that mask.” he said. Tobi's face, obviously. “Anyway the camp is over this way.” We returned to the camp, nothing eventful had happened- oh god, it's an army of hoodies.

Tobi's P.O.V

Wow, these guys like their hoodies. Must be nice in winter.

“Hey guys.” he said, in a casual, badass way. “I found ninjas. Ninjas, these are Rob, Ed, and Dave.” he pointed to each of them as he said their names.

I looked around, then turned to Yoshimitsu-sempai and started talking. “Sempai, it’s a hoody meeting.” Seriously, it was kind of weird that they were all wearing hoodies. Huh, really good look for them though. Cool. Why couldn't there be more hoodies in Naruto?
Yoshimitsu-sempai simply nodded. “We should probably introduce ourselves.”
I nodded enthusiastically. ‘Hi! Name’s Tobi, and this is Yoshimitsu-sempai. Pleased to meet ya!”

Dave, Ed, and Rob just stared at us like we were lepers. Which we aren't, by the way.

“Where the fuck did you find those guys?” Ed said, eventually. “Isn’t that guy a Naruto character?” HE KNOWS WHO I AM! SQUEE!

“Yeah, and I swear I’ve seen the other guy in some kind of video game.” Dave said. Yoshimtisu gave off an impression of internal squee.

“Oh, like we can talk.” he pointed out. Yeah, they're cosplaying just as much as we are. “Anyway, I found them in the forest. Was about to kill a manticore, when they showed up and hit it with their… car. Into a hydra.”

I nodded. It was explanation time, yay! “You see, it’s because my magic eye allows me to travel across dimensions.”
Yoshimitsu-sempai nodded. “Indeed. I gained magic eyes from eating a chunk of soapstone, and now, we go on a roadtrip through the multiverse. Also, Tobi, should we get the ball rolling with gifts?”
Oh right, gifts. We were supposed to give those, right? Anyway, I nodded, focused, and the hydra corpse popped out of my special eye. I grinned behind my mask.
“Now, who wants some grass?” With another bit of focus, a couple of joints came out of my magical eyehole. I passed them around, and they all reacted strangely. Then again, if I wasn't insane I would be pretty weirded out by this too. Wouldn't stop me smoking them, but still, the principle of the thing is the same.

“Well, I didn’t have anything else planned.” head Italian Ninja said, sitting down and putting his feet up. “You got a light?”

Ed and Dave joined me, but Rob just stood there tentatively holding the joint.

“Dude, seriously? A random Naruto character just gives you weed and you’re not going to question that at all?” He said.

“Pfft,” he laughed, “You are such a virgin.”

I shrugged. “Eh. We’re not, quite sure about that. But whatevs.” I looked, shuffled over, and flicked my hands through the necessary handseals.
“Fire release: Great Fireball jutsu!”

The resulting fireball barely missed them (oops), lit the joints, and flew through the forest, where it presumably hit something.

“Well, that’s one way of doing it.” he said, sounding a bit dazed. “So, how about we carve up some hydra steaks?” he went over to the hydra and drew my sword, only to remember that he had an Italian rapier, not really suited to cutting through it with ease. “Hmm. Hey, Yoshi-whatever-your-face-was, mind giving me a hand with this?”

Yoshimitsu-sempai nodded, drawing his magical katana. With a couple of surprisingly elegant gestures, the hydra’s corpse was neatly sliced into large chunks of meat. He sheathed it, and opened the lower hatch of his mask, revealing a rather scarred mouth.
“Let’s get cooking.”

After we’d had our fill of hydra, the six of us sat around a campfire that we’d built and I had lit. I was helping out with practical things, yay!

“So,” head ninja guy (we'd learned that his name was Josh, but 'head ninja guy' sounded cooler in my head) said, “What’s your dimension like? Is it an alternate Equestria, or are you from Earth too?”

I took a puff of my joint reflectively. “Well, we’re from Earth. We bought things at a con- I bought this ring,” here I indicated my Sasori crystal ring on my left thumb, “and Yoshimitsu-sempai bought his sword.”
Yoshimitsu shuddered. “Then, hambeasts practically attacked us, and we had to get out of there lickety-split. Next thing we know, poof, Equestria.”

“Funny, a similar thing happened to me.” he said, obviously remembering it from a long time ago. “We were also at a con and bought stuff, but for us it was the Apple of Eden. It plonked me here about one thousand years ago and I got turned to stone. After that, these guys started showing up later. Ed arrived around two hundred and fifty years after me, then Dave five hundred, and Rob one thousand, which is how we escaped.” Wow, that must be really harsh on them.

“So,” Ed said. “You’re on a multi-dimensional roadtrip now? Been anywhere interesting?”

I waved my hand a bit, neither confirming or denying. “Nah, not really. Navigating the Equestrian multiverse is difficult enough, but we manage.”
Yoshimitsu nodded. “It’s kind of crazy. Anyway.” He pulled out a chunk of a faintly glowing white rock. I recognised the Soapstone.
“We don’t need this anymore, so I guess you can have it.”

“What is it?” Josh asked, reaching out for it. “Soapstone?... Why is there a chunk missing from it?” he asked, before remembering what Yoshimitsu-sempai had said earlier about receiving powers from it. “Wait, this is the stuff that gave you magic eyes, isn’t it?... Well if it worked for you…” he said, putting the soapstone in my mouth. However, Yoshimitsu quickly reached over. Thank god, that was pretty insane... insanely awesome, that is. I had changed my mind about the whole 'eating soapstone thing' because eh, live and let live.
“Whoa, that is crazy shit you’re talking about there, partner. Here.” I pulled out a bottle of vodka.
“Wash it down with this.”

“Alrighty then.” he said. He then put the soapstone in his mouth and bit down, taking a chunk out of it. He chewed for a couple of seconds, before taking a swig of the vodka and swallowing. He immediately started coughing.

“Christ on a bicycle!” Josh said. “What, did you put acid in this?” It was at that point that he started glowing and clenched at his gut.

“...That doesn’t feel too good.” he said, and promptly blacked out. While out, he lit up like a Christmas tree, and we were actually concerned. We put him in the recovery position while his friends fussed over him.

When he came to, he saw Rob, Ed, and Dave standing over him with concern. “How long was I out?” He asked, while we were busy with tinkering with bringing the Pussywagon here.

“About ten seconds.” Dave said. “But you were glowing.”

As one, we both shrugged. Yoshimitsu-sempai spoke first. ”Eh, it’s probably nothing. Now.”
Yoshimitsu grinned. “For a limited time only, I will be bestowing the chakra power on anybody who wants it. I should warn you though, it will hurt like a bitch.”
“And not you Josh, sorry. You kind of ate some soapstone. Hope you understand.” Truth was, we didn't know what eating soapstone would do to us if we ate it and then gave chakra. it might kill him, or turn him into an unholy fusion of soapstone and man, doomed to live a tortured and pained life.

“...Not really.” Josh said. “But sure, whatevs. I’m not about to argue with cross-dimensional ninjas.”

“Sooo…” Dave said. “What exactly is this ‘chakra’?”

“I think it’s like inner energy or something.” Ed said. “It lets people control things like fire and water, and does a whole bunch of other weird shit. Not sure what type we’ll end up with, though. I never watched much Naruto, but personally I’m hoping for wind.”

Yoshimitsu-sempai nodded. “Then by the power of my hand, I give you… THE CHAKRA POWER!”
With that, he slammed a hand on Ed’s head and green energy flowed through him. Impressively, Ed only screamed for a couple of minutes before collapsing. Huh, Mally and Big Man had screamed for about five times that length, he's got some good pain tolerance. Yoshimitsu looked around. “Huh, didn’t work. Right, who else wants some?” Oh, that was kind of a shame. Maybe it'll work the next time?

Dave and Rob backed away slowly. “Nah, I uh, think I’m good.” Said Dave.

Rob nodded his agreement. “I’m with Dave on this one, that does not look good.”

“Suit yourself.” Josh said, standing up and looking at the sun. “It’s probably time for us to move on anyway; the guards’ll be hot on our tail by now. It was fun meeting you guys, though. Maybe we’ll see each other again someday.”

We waved. We were going to miss the Hoody Convention. “That’s okay; we totally understand. Laters!” With that, we climbed back into the Pussywagon, and drove off. I focused my Kamui onto ourselves, and we warped straight into The Void, ready for more adventures.

Visions of the past: Villainification part 1.

Tobi's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

"Well, fuck."
I felt that was an appropriate response to suddenly being told, hey, you get the power that every forever alone Narutard wants. Have fun! Oh, and Josh seemed to be different himself. Something was different about his appearance. I squinted harder. Maybe it was the Sharingan, but I could tell that this wasn't the armour that he'd worn to Avcon.
"Hey, Josh. Your armour looks different." Josh looked down at his armour, then did a double-take.

"The fuck?!" Instead of a spray painted Master Chief breastplate, it looked decidedly more... organic. He tapped it in wonder. Instead of the dull thud of plastic on plastic, there was a clang of metal on metal. He looked at his left hand.
"My hand... MY HAND!" He frantically tapped his arm, and his eyes widened.
"Josh, what's wrong-"
"My arm, my arm, what the FUCK is wrong with my arm?" He looked frantic. I couldn't really blame him.
"Feel this, man!" He pulled my right arm, and my own eyes widened when I felt what was happening to it.

My arm squished under his firm grip, more than a normal, non hambeast arm should. Apparently, my arm was made of fat or some shit. Obviously, he felt it too. For about a minute, we just sat there, in shock. Then:
"AAAHHH!"
"AAAAHH!"
We sprung back, scrambling away from each other. I gripped my arm, probing it. Nope, still squishy, still apparently held by some sort of skin. I pulled off my glove, and stared in bemused horror at the pasty white hand that confronted me. I flexed the fingers, giggling like a schoolgirl. Screaming had given way to giggling. Funny what your body will do to prevent you from going totally batshit from horror. Meanwhile, Josh had apparently done something to find out what his arm was like. He clicked something, and he screamed as his arm popped off.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" I shook myself. Better to not panic. I decided to lighten the mode with a dirty joke that fit the circumstances.
"Dude, you have a robotic arm. Better not use it tonight." He glared at me.
"Real mature, Toby. REAL mature." I giggled, pulling my glove back on. Josh gripped my arm.
"So, you've got a plant arm now? Well, it looks as if you are going to save a fortune on lotion." I pouted at him.
"Who's immature now?" We looked at each other, and burst out laughing.

What? We really needed to laugh. You know, laughter is the best medicine, after all. And really, we were stranded in a mysterious place, with no way of knowing where we were- you have to laugh. After a good, long laugh, we felt a lot better. Josh tried to reattach his arm, but found it quite difficult. He strained and strained, but then slumped. Then he paused, and offered the arm to me.
"Hey, could you reattach my arm? I can't really reach it."
"Sure thing, sempai." That got a chuckle.
"I'm not your sempai." Still chuckling, I grabbed his arm. I crept over to the socket, put it in, and pushed until I heard a click. Josh flexed his fingers, pleased that it was working.
"Now I really feel like Yoshimitsu." I chuckled.
"And I really feel like Tobi."

With our worldly goods gathered, we trooped off, exploring the forest we were in. It was ind of stupid, but what were we going to do with ourselves? Stand around, waiting for rescue? No, we were going to make our own rescue. While we walked, my head brimmed with questions. Why did I have Tobi's Senju arm? Why did Josh have a prosthetic arm? And where were we? Why even put us here? These were important questions.

After wandering around for a bit, I could say with the utmost cheer that we were completely and utterly lost. Josh was just idly swinging his sword around, juggling it between his hands. Rather than it simply being painted, the sword was now glowing an eerie green, like the wakizashi. It served as an efficient torch in the darkness of the forest. It also proved to be very good at hacking apart those vines that blocked our path. Needless to say, I did not want one of our torches being lost in the undergrowth.
"Hey, be careful with that thing." Josh almost cut his hand on his sword, but quickly gripped it by the sides.
"Relax, what's the worst that could happen?"

He spun the sword around, and swung forwards, not noticing that the sword was glowing with a brighter green fire, seemingly making the blade larger. With a 'zing' sound, the blast was unleashed. Our eyes opened comically wide as the blast from the sword cut through the undergrowth like an angry god sweeping the land, carving through the soil at an incredible rate. Josh stared at his sword in amazement.
"I...whuh...buh-huh?" Truly, he was as eloquent as Homer the bard. It sounded really weird with the vocal distortion of his helmet. That was another thing- with the helmet on, his voice distorted into this totally badass sounding voice, like Yoshimitsu. Normally, we'd be all 'hell yeah this is awesome,' but right now, we were just concerned with finding civilisation. But back to the sword swinging. It was really starting to bother me. Out of impudence and more than a bit of terror, I rapped him on the head.
"Well, that's probably the worst that could happen." He nodded mutely, and we continued our journey, noting belatedly that water seemed to be flowing through the trench.

Celestia's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

I groaned silently as the noble blathered on and on about something or other. Yet for my poor, overworked sister, I kept the serene smile on my face, even while I was getting steadily angrier and angrier. I was a warrior, not some beaurecrat! It was I who led the charge against Discord with my sister! I could never, in a thousand years, ever, possibly resign myself to a menial existence of being some glorified pen pusher! ... but for all my blustering, the fact remained that pony kind say me as their main leader, not my sister. Despite the fact that it was her own quick thinking that led to the mad tyrant Discord being overthrown, and all I did was duel him to a standstill, ponies still referred to me as the one who beat Discord, and don't give my sister the consideration that she deserves.

Yet it was she who I admired above all else. She knew how to run a kingdom, give the appropriate grants to who, keep the nobles in line, all that sort of thing. She knew how to manage a kingdom. But she also wanted to express herself in her night sky, and was feeling the effects of her workload. So, out of my faith in her, I was taking the questions that she would have otherwise taken for herself. After all, it was the least I could do- she was the one who had taken all the work that I shoved at her with no complaint, working well into the daytime while I caroused with nobles and commoners alike.
"So, heretofore wouldst it be possible for one such as myself to possess a-"

Whatever he was going to say was interrupted by a guard who stormed in.
"Princess, I apologise for mine unwanted presence, but I have grave news for thee." I waved off his concerns.
"Prithee speak," I thundered, the Royal Canterlot Vioce blowing dust into the corners and shaking the ceiling. Our guards have enchantments on their helmets so that they are not hurt by my volume, but the noble was unfortunately pushed away by the sheer force of it. The guard took a second to realign his armour before continuing.
"Milady, there seems to be a new river, carved by forces most curious and arcane. Whatever it was must surely possess equal power to the two of you." I rubbed my chin, pondering. For somepony to appear that could challenge us... It was a most interesting and novel prospect. Not since Discord had something so powerful and intelligent ever posed a serious threat.
I couldn't wait for it. Recomposing myself, I turned to him.
"Gather mine Royal Guards and scout around for this mysterious being. I must warn my sister of this development." The guard nodded, quickly galloping off to the barracks. When he was out of sight, I grinned, flared my horn and teleported to my sister's observatory.

I found her there, still sleeping. I smiled, gently. In this room, I did not have to be loud. Here, I could be myself. I gently nudged Luna with a hoof.
"Luna, wake thyself." Luna cracked open a blue eye, then shut it. She mumbled to me sleepily.
"Get thee to Tartarus, sister..." I giggled, then poked her harder.
"OW! Tia, why dost thou poke me?"
"Twas meant in jest, dearest sister. Pray tell, dost thou know of any creature in the realm that could challenge us in matters of magic and might?" Now awake, Luna's face shifted to a more calculating look.
"I dost think no singular creature. A band of unicorns, perhaps, could match us in magic, and a dragon may be more powerful in strength. But why rouse me from mine sleep? I was dreaming of new designs for the heavens."
"I do apologise for that, but something has come up. The Everfree has a new river, carved by some magician or beast unknown. Anything like that poses a serious threat to our little ponies, no?" Luna nodded.
"What have you done about the situation, sister?" I looked at her.
"I have sent a squadron of guards to investigate the surrounding forest. Dost that appeal to thine tactical knowledge?" Luna nodded.
"It is nice to see that thou hast become more cautious. I do remember when thou didst attack Discord head on, and he removed your horn and wings-" I winced.
"Yes, yes, thou hast never forgotten that, have you?" Luna shook her head. I giggled.
This was much better than being some sort of judge. I'm not cut out for being peaceful. Not at all.

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V, 1,050 years ago.

I kept trooping through the forest at the front, slashing at vines numbly while my mind blazed. Good God, the sword in my hand just cut through the soil of this forest like butter! All I was thinking about when swinging it around was making the path easier to cut, and apparently my sword just thought that, oh, I'd better release enough destructive might to form a new river! I was beginning to hate my sword now, but I had to admit, without it we'd be totally, absolutely lost.

"Hey, Sempai. Check this out." I turned around. Toby was doing nothing. Then, I watched in bemused horror as he shoved his hand into a tree and pulled it out again. I boggled at him and he giggled.
"Cool, huh? I got Kamui!" I glared at him.
"Great. So you get a power that doesn't cause rivers to form out of nowhere." Toby pouted, or at least I think he pouted. It's hard to know what's behind that mask of his. I'm probably worse.

"Hey, Sempai! I can walk on trees now~!" I turned around for the second time in three minutes. Yep, Toby was definitely standing vertically on a tree.
"How do you do that?" Toby rubbed his chin.
"Dunno. Just thought about how cool it would be to be able to walk on trees. Then I tried, and hey presto, I'm walking on trees." I pondered that.
"Yeah, that sounds pretty cool." On a whim, I walked over to the tree, and hesitantly placed my foot on it. It seemed to be firm, so I quickly lifted my other leg onto the tree. I braced myself for falling, but I didn't. Was this the secret to tree walking in Naruto? Toby nodded.
"That's wicked sweet." I nodded, grinning.
"Race you to the top of your tree?"
"Oh, heck yeah." With that, we ran up the tree, carefully avoiding branches in our frantic race to the top.

I pushed myself harder, harder... going as fast as this was incredible! Unfortunately, that feeling was soon gone when I hit a problem. A very big problem.
A wasp's nest.
And hearing Toby scream.
"AAAAAHHH! WASPS!"
Well, fuck.

Author's Note

This chapter is a bit shorter than the other chapters. It's a nice little chapter devoted to the past that these two and the Princesses share. Please, leave comments below and tell me where I screwed up. I like comments a lot.

Short- OH GOD IT'S STILL FUCKING ALIVE

Yoshimitsu's P.O.V

The following is a true story of what happened while we were in The Void.

So, after we attended the Hoody Gathering, Tobi and I just drove around the Void, looking for trouble. Oh, and we went to Bacon Equestria and kind of maybe sorta ate a hole in the planet.

Oh God. Oh god I am so full right now." I moaned, clutching my bloated stomach as it processed pig products. Tobi shrugged.
"This is why we never to go Bacon Equestria while high, sempai. It's like pulling a mainy."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "...what in Justin Bieber's Canadian asshole does that even mean?"
Tobi shrugged. "No idea. I think it means going on the main road while... high or something? I don't even know anymore."

We drove over a universe with a guy who looked like a barbarian Darth Vader.
"A true Super Sand always sprinkles when he tinkles."
Tobi nodded. "Last time on Dragonball P! Virginia acted the mikey so now Gohan and Ker- Kirsten Stewart must fight!"
He then put his hands up to his face. "I hope they don't hit each other too-"

It was then that we hit something. Hard. Like, fifty miles an hour hard. Something quite fleshy.
"Impudent worms..."
Naturally, I dealt with the situation calmly and rationally, like a badass. I quickly ran over to the downed pony and kicked him in the face while screaming. Like I said, totally rational. This was some kind of zombie pony that had to be here. Obviously it was evil and had to get at least a few good kicks in the face.

Tobi looked at the squirming orange unicorn, then back to me. "Sempai, what the fuck."
He then noticed the pony was trying to get up and his face hardened. "Never mind, I get it." Wood Release was summoned into existence, forming a baseball bat.
I nodded. "It's obviously a demon of some sort. Hit it around some times." This was the only way we could be sure it was dead for good.

Tobi grinned, quickly slamming his bat into the face.
"Fools! Do you not know who I-"
He promptly got another mouthful of bat and was pounded into the ethereal ground by Tobi's furious batswings. Eventually, he switched to his bare fists and just kept pounding away. He then chucked me the bat.

The next five minutes were remarkably cathartic. When we were done, the unicorn was definitely pounded into the ground. Weirdly, there were like golden flames coming off him, but we didn't really care. We quickly went back into the car. This time, I was the driver. I was about to drive off when I paused. I then got a good idea in my head and I grinned.
"Sempai?"
I grinned and steered up to the corpse. "Hang on, I got a cool idea."

I then spent about five minutes resolutely driving over and over the body. What can I say, be thorough. We then drove off.

Omega reformed shakily, mind a blur from what the past ten minutes had held. He didn't want to remember. At all.

Author's Note

This is a silly short. Enjoy~!