Princess Celestia: Praise Be Unto Her

by Final Draft

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Flim and Flam
Length: 1200

Let us sing about the greatest ruler Equestria has ever known and overlook her many, MANY flaws.

Celestia has ruled for quite some time,
let's go over her accomplishments entirely in rhyme.

(As a fair warning, there are some slightly mature themes and insults, please do not take offense to them. Everything will make sense at the end. Know that the poem (song) is being performed by two different individuals.)

Published 2014-02-07 21:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-07 21:30:05 UTC

Sing It!

Princess Celestia: What can be said?
(Only good things or she’ll cut off your head.)

No pony could ever say anything bad
about the best ruler Equestria’s had!

(May she have mercy if you speak out;
you’ll soon disappear before you can shout.

Off to the dungeon, or a nice cave.
If you’re real lucky, you’ll be her sex-slave.)

All her subjects rejoice and sing praise!
(Except for the zebras, the mules, and the gays.)

Her laws were created so all ponies are equal!
(Some subjects call her King Sombra: The Sequel.)

Her rein has been prosperous, everyone’s well!
(During that time, only a few nations fell.)

She’s stopped several wars, and ended a few fights!
(Her levels of arrogance rose to new heights.)

Princess Celestia rules with mercy and grace!
(This one time she sent her own sister to space.)

On top of ruler, she’s also a teacher!
(She’s molested more foals than a Catholic preacher.)

Her students are the brightest of the bunch!
(Though there’s several she wants to punch.)

She offers them wisdom and acts as a guide!
(Belittling them constantly with comments so snide.)

Her own teachers remember her well!
(They all have stories they aren’t able to tell.)

Top of her class, a bright shining star!
(Twenty abortions and a C-section scar.)

But those times are passed, this is the present!
(Those times were bad, and these are unpleasant.)

If she finds a prince, she’ll be a queen!
(But that won’t happen, because it would mean

No more orgies, no more affairs,
and no more hooking up with random mares.)

But the princess has no time for love,
she’s too busy controlling the sun above!

Without her, the sun would not rise;
it would fail to make it across the skies!

(No, not really, the sun works fine.
it’s just something she says to keep the peasants in line.)

Yes, without her, Equestria would fall!
(Her actual control is really quite small.)

Let us remember those great moments in time
where Celestia’s accomplishments were simply sublime!

There was a flood that ravaged the lands
and Celestia made one of her greatest stands!

She stopped the rain and brought forth the sun!
(She could have done it from day number one,

But she waited twenty-two days,
claiming to work in mysterious ways.

So many drowned, so many died
while Celestia was oblivious to the weather outside.)

Once long ago, when Celestia was young,
from her shoulders, the weight of the world hung!

If she did not act, the consequences would be dire;
The world would be engulfed by chaos and fire!

Dragons started clawing at Equestria’s borders
The Royal Guard waited for their leader’s wise orders

After a struggle and a brief debate
Celestia decided Equestria’s fate.

She made the dragons a simple offer;
emptying the contents of every coffer.

“Take our gold, and leave in peace!
The destruction of our land must forever cease!”

The dragons took Celestia’s wealth,
she even smiled and wished them good health.

Her selfless act saved the nation!
She gave up her wealth without hesitation!

(What the books forgot to include
are facts that always get misconstrued.

The dragons took coins and jewels by the ton,
but the source wasn’t just only from one.

Celestia demanded her citizens pay
a ridiculous tax by the end of the day.

When she’d collected all that they had,
she gave the dragons only a tad.

The rest was hers, no pony would know
it only took ten percent to make the dragons go.)

Generosity is her middle name!
(Running the kingdom is just a game.)

Let’s talk of her beauty! Where to begin?
(If you ask me, she’s a little too thin.)

Her mane is luscious, and soft as silk!
(Some mares age like wine, she ages like milk.)

Strong and beautiful through all of her years!
(Feeding off nightmares and children’s tears.)

Her eyes are pools; deep and clear!
(Her eyesight’s failing from what I hear.)

Her figure is divine, as if carved from stone!
(Her flanks are flabby, and anything but tone.)

Psychical appearance isn’t important.
It’s her character that truly does warrant

our everlasting praise and love
to the alicorn watching from above.

Just as innocent as the day she was born!
(She had quite the career in lesbian porn.)

If she smiles upon you, you’re truly blessed!
(You’ll wake up sore and only half-dressed.)

When ponies are starving, she offers them aid!
(Only if all of their taxes were paid.)

If a crime is committed, she takes action!
(Beheading the guilty brings her satisfaction.)

If ever there’s worry, or even concern,
all of her attention, to it she will turn!

But she is wise, as stated before,
and she never acts until she is sure

another pony can’t handle the fight.
(Like her most faithful student, Twilight.

A simple letter is all it takes
To let her get back to devouring cakes.

While somepony else deals with the trouble,
Celestia remains inside her safety bubble.)

When Twilight and friends eventually succeed,
Celestia rewards them for their good deed.

Nothing fancy, nothing overboard,
because experience is truly the best reward.

(Or so she says, so she claims.
Twilight’s tasks are simply games

Celestia plays for her own pleasure.
Her morality is a bit hard to measure.)

There’s no telling what the future will hold!
(The only thing certain is Celestia growing old.)

But we know one simple thing:
All good things, Celestia will bring!

(That’s her promise, that’s what she said
So don’t you worry your pretty little head.)

The crowd was silent for a moment after the performers had finished. Princess Celestia and nearly half the guests at the Gala simply stood with their mouths agape. None dared speak or even breathe as the performers looked out over their audience.

Flim tugged at his collar nervously and looked over to his brother. “I don’t think they liked it,” he whispered. Flam, who was sitting at the piano, flipped through his sheet music desperately.

“Plan B!” he shouted. He began playing an upbeat show tune and Flim began tap dancing. He made his way over to his brother and wheeled him and the piano behind the stage curtain. Two Royal Guards were waiting for them with stern expressions on their face. They began approaching the brothers and forced them to back step back out onto the stage.

Princess Celestia was on the stage, glaring at them. Suddenly, her expression changed to delight and she let out a laugh. “I love a good roast!” she laughed. Slowly, the crowd joined in her laughter and began clapping for the two performers.

“I told you I knew what I was doing!” Flim said to his brother, taking a bow.

“I didn’t doubt you for a moment, brother!” Flam replied.

Celestia stepped in front of the mic and addressed the crowd once they’d settled down. “Mares and Gentlecolts, a big round of applause for the Flim Flam Brothers! Their execution will be tomorrow morning!”

The two stallions froze as the crowd laughed even harder. Celestia gave a nod to her two guards and they took the performers away, kicking and screaming.