The Dovahkiin Files: Equestria

The Dovahkiin Files: Equestria

Wedding Special

“Do we really have to do this?” Exclaimed the Dovahkiin, giving a small sigh.

“Yes, now man-up and put on your suit.” Said Celestia, levitating his suit up to his view.

“The last wedding I went to did not end well and it would be terrible if something were to happen to this one.” He said with mock sincerity, remembering what he did to the last couple that ruined his day.

“Do you always have to reference the fact that you kill people?” Said Luna, who was admiring herself in another mirror.

“Yes dear, I really do, It livens things up a little bit I think.” He then flashed her a cheeky grin, “So who is getting married then?”

“My niece Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and the captain of the royal guard Shining Armour.”

“So I have to go to a stuffy royal wedding, for two people I don’t know, In a place that I have only been at for a month with 2 people that I have nearly killed on different occasions.”

“Pretty much, yes.” Said Celestia, now out-right staring at the Dovahkiin

“Okay, but don’t blame me when shit goes down.”

“This is Equestria, the most peaceful country in all of Equis.”

“Oh, is that so? Then please explain to me the huge pink shield surrounding the castle, or the fact that you nearly got killed by a dragon, or the whole ‘Blueblood tried to kill me’ thing.”

He then began to have a staring contest with Celestia, seeing who would back down from their position first. This, however did not last long, as the Dovahkiin used some slight illusion magic to turn his eyes into those of a wolf. Celestia flinched as he did this, winning him this round.

“You should really never try that with me, I have killed me with my looks alone.”

“Again with the killing, I would book you with a therapist, but I am afraid she would have a heart attack just looking at you and your ugly mug.” said Luna, now turning away from her mirror.

“You didn’t think it was so ugly that night last week, did you?”

“Do you always have to bring that up, I have apologised!”

“Apology for rape isn’t going to cut it Luna.”

“Fine, we will reimburse you some other way.”

“I may have something in mind, but it will have to wait until after this boring-ass wedding.”

“I will hold you to that” And with that they all trotted out of the room.

After they had left the Princess’s room they had made their way down to the main hall, where the Dovahkiin was to meet the Bride and groom.

“So, these are the happy couple then?” The Dovahkiin said as he strode towards the pastel coloured ponies.

“Yes, this is Shining armour.” She said, pointing at the white unicorn with the blue mane.

“Pleasure to meet you.” he said, lifting his front hoof forward.

“Same here,” the Dovahkiin grabbed his hoof and shook it vigorously. “So, Shining Armour, I hear you are Captain of the Guard.”

“Yes, I am charged with the protection of the Princesses at any cost.”

“Yes, well hopefully not at any cost, I would hate to have killed you in the middle of one of me and Princess Luna’s arguments.” The face-hoof from behind him was audible to say the least.

“Well, I would like to see you try.” He said, glaring at him.

“I like this one, spirit of a true Nord, your race might not be as unsalvageable as I originally thought Celestia.” He said, flashing a rueful grin.

“Well, yes. Anyway, Shining Armour here is the one keeping up the force field around Canterlot, which he so kindly carrying the burden on his own.”

“Seriously, why him? I thought Twilight was your go to person on magic? It is her element after all.”

“Wait, how do you know my sister?” Shining armour asked, butting into the conversation.

“Now, I can see why, magic must be thick in their blood. Anyway, to answer your question, I knocked her out and almost killed her, then became one of her friends.”

“Uhmm, alright then.” Said Shining Armour, seeming slightly dazed.

“Good, now onto the mare with the horn and wings.” He said, moving on.

“This is my niece Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.” She said, pointing a hoof at the pink mare.

“Hello there Princess.” Said the Dovahkiin, putting one of his hands forward to shake her hoof.

“That is not how you greet a princess, you should be bowing.” She said, lifting her nose at him

“Well, I am in no way bound by your laws here, and I have no reason to as you have done nothing to earn my respect.” He then put his hand back to his side, now showing her no form of courtesy.

“Just for that, I should have you sent to the dungeons.” She then pointed her horn at him, signalling some guards.

“Well, It seem someone took an extra glass of ‘uppity bitch’ today, with that may I recommend my own famous canned brand of ASS-WHOOPING!” He drew his daedric sword in one hand, and held a ball of pure energy in the other, ready to pounce like a tiger. For a few seconds, everyone was still, the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.

“ENOUGH, both of you.” Shouted Celestia in a firm but un-menacing voice. “Guards, sheathe your weapons, you too Prisoner.”

“Well if it doesn’t seem someone already has an apt name for where he should be.” She said, now walking off with a confused Shining Armour in tow.

The Dovahkiin then shouted after her, “YEAH, WELL IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD WATCH MY TONGUE, BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE CUTS IT OUT!” He then turned back to face the sisters, visibly seething.

“Prisoner, don’t you think that was a little much?” Asked Luna, backing away from the angry Nord.

“Remember how I told you I hate nobles, well that is the reason why.” he flicked a middle finger in Cadence’s direction.

“Still, that was a slight over reaction, although her wedding is coming up, so stress might be getting the better of her.”

“I don’t know how you do your prissy little weddings down here, but in Skyrim you meet the girl, ask her to marry you then have the wedding on the same day.”

The two sisters looked at him as though he were a madman.

“Why would you do that, shouldn’t you even get to know each other first?”

“In Skyrim, life is short, so you try and live it to its fullest while you still have the chance.” After leaving that thought in their minds they walked off, looking to get something to eat.

“So, what is on the agenda for today then?” asked the Dovahkiin, eager to get the Princess out of his mind.

“Well, I was thinking of letting you go and meet Twilight when she arrives, she has been so eager to see you again.” Said Celestia, scarfing down another piece of cake.

“Good, it has only been about 2 weeks but it seems like ages since we have last seen each other.”

“Well, you are in luck, it seems her train is just arriving.” Celestia said, pointing her hoof out the window.

“Good, I think I will go down and meet her.” The Dovahkiin said, pushing his plate away and putting his helmet back on.

As the Dovahkiin made his way out of the Castle’s dining room, where he had been eating, and into its central hall, he could hear some commotion coming from outside.

“I am still pretty ticked you are marrying some pony I don’t know!”

As the Dovahkiin looked up, he saw Twilight with a hoof to her brother's chest, shouting at him slightly. He was glad to see Twilight, and started to make his way up to where they were.

After a few minutes of climbing up a set of stairs, the Dovahkiin was able to finally see Twilight, and she was talking to Shining Armour and Princess Cadence. As he walked up, the Princess caught sight of him.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, giving him a stare that could kill a lesser man.

“I don’t know about you, but I am here to talk to my favourite unicorn.” He gestured to Twilight. “See, not everything revolves around you.” As Cadence gave him a small sniff, he muttered a few words under his breath whose foulness would strike fear into the heart of a child.

“Alright, Cadence, we should be leaving. Twilight, have a good time with your friend.” And with that Princess Cadence and Shining Armour Trotted off.

“So, Twilight, how is my favourite unicorn doing.” The Dovahkiin asked, giving the small pony a big embrace.

“Good, thank you. Although Cadence seems a little off.” She said, giving him a sad smile.

“Yeah, well no shit. She almost had me killed earlier today for not bowing to her. Bitch needs the pole taken out of her ass.” The Dovahkiin said, huffing slightly.

“Hey! While she might seem a little mean, she is still going to be my sister-in-law, so don’t start with the insults.”

“Fine, also, Celestia said something about you needing help with planning, so I am here if you need me.”

“That is good; first we need to check on Applejack and her baking.” Twilight brought out a checklist to emphasise this fact.

“Alright, let us go and pray to the divines we do not run into the new princess.”

“Cake, check!” Shouted Applejack, running up a ladder, finishing off the icing.

Twilight then took out her checklist and ticked, seeming slightly annoyed for some reason.

“Ice sculpture, check!” Shouted Applejack a second time, with Twilight again begrudgingly ticking her check list.

Applejack then ran to the oven and took out a selection of what looked to be cupcakes.

“Best darn apple fritters you ever tasted.” Said Applejack, reaching over to put one in Twilights mouth, but before she could, the Dovahkiin bounded across the kitchen and leaped into the air, his mouth placed perfectly before Twilights, letting the treat fall into his mouth.

“BY THE GODS! That was delicious; Ulfric himself would have his mouth watering at such treats.” Spoke the Dovahkiin, which came out quite muffled as his mouth was full.

“Twilight, I am going to give you 5 seconds to tell me who this varmint is before I buck him in the head.” Applejack whispered hooves up in defence.

“This Applejack, is Prisoner, he is staying with Luna and Celestia as an honoured guest.” Exclaimed Twilight, using her hoof to point at the Dovahkiin.

“Well, I guess if you are alright around him, I can be too.” She extended her hoof forward in a formal manner. “Hi, my name is Applejack and welcome to Equestria.”

“Very nice to meet you, Applejack.” He said, taking her hoof and shaking it. As he let go of her very strong hoof, the doors opened, and who else except Princess Cadence walked in.

“All bow before the Princess.” Shouted a fore bearer.

All of the ponies around him bowed, but the Dovahkiin did not falter, instead giving her a glare.

“I said, all bow.” Said the fore bearer again, this time giving the Dovahkiin a look.

“The only time I kneel in front of her is with my neck on a block and an axe to my neck.” The Dovahkiin threatened, spitting in Cadence’s general direction.

“Fine, if he does not want to bow, we shall vacate elsewhere.” Threatened Cadence, taking off in protest.

“Well, you just had to go and do that now, didn’t you?” Twilight exclaimed, trying to run off after Cadence, but she had already left.

“You know what Twilight, I think I am going to go off and sleep, the wedding is tomorrow, and I am going to need it. Come wake me an hour beforehand.” The Dovahkiin said, walking off into the distance.

The Dovahkiin just started to wander aimlessly, not really realising where he was walking, not really caring. After a few minutes of this he saw an open door and decided to go into the house and ask for directions back to the castle.

As he opened the door, he could see that this must of been the house of a very high up noble, the entire place was marble and gold and the balcony was easily the length of several houses put together.

When he started to look around more, he could hear quite a lot of noise coming from one of the rooms, after a short while he found the disturbance. He opened the door slightly ajar to see what was going on inside, which was when he realised his mistake. Inside of the room was Princess Cadence and Shining Armour, he must of walked in on their pre-wedding night rutting. Not one to be seen in awkward situations like these, the Dovahkiin started to close the door, but not before sneaking one more look for his memory store.

“Cadence, please this is hurting me!” The Dovahkiin heard Shining Armour shout.

“Don’t worry dear; this shouldn’t hurt one single bit.” She said, putting her horn up to his forehead. Then the Dovahkiin could see a bright green light and Shining Armour fell to the ground.

 As he saw this, the Dovahkiin started to back away, not wanting to be associated with a possible murder. Then he realised he had been accused of murder countless times, and that when you are accused of murder, more murder is usually the easiest way out, and so he charged in there, weapons-a-blazing, literally, he had set his two swords on fire.

 “AYO BITCH, TIME TO DIE!” Shouted the Dovahkiin, ready to pounce on this would be murderer, but, unfortunately, this was not on the case. As he barged into the room, what he did not notice was Shining Armour instead falling onto his bed, with a few pillows supporting him, and then being rudely awoken from his magic-born sleep from the Dovahkiin’s shouting.

 As he looked round and saw this, the Dovahkiin suddenly saw that he was in the wrong, again. He had just walked into the home of a Princess and a captain of the royal guard, then purposefully sneaked a glance when he thought they were having sex, and then barged into their room when one was being put to sleep after a stressful day.

In the confusion of the situation, Cadence had lifted up the Dovahkiin, realising her chance to get rid of him once and for all.

 “Shining, HELP ME!” Cadence screamed, trying to wake him from his groggy state. She was going to have to lock him up for the rest of the wedding so he could not interfere.

 “What...what is going on?” Said Shining

 “This...this CRETIN! Broke into our home, came into our room, and tried to stop me from easing your pain! He is a lawbreaker, a defiler and a unpatriotic scum who would not bow to a Princess, as a monarch of your country, I command you to arrest him!” shouted Cadence, faking anger quite well, as she already had some for this Welch.

 “At once my highness!” Shouted Shining Armour, following orders easily, as it was second nature to him. He charged to Dovahkiin, readying his horn and charging it with a paralysis spell.

 All that could be heard before the Dovahkiin was hit was a loud screaming, sounding a lot like the Dovahkiin.

 “I beseech you, do not electrify me brethren.” He shouted as he hit the ground, knocking himself unconscious from the impact.

 As he was carried away by Shining Armour, he could vaguely hear Cadence laughing maniacally in the back of his mind, although she was not able to penetrate his mental barriers, as he had them strengthened by his constant exposure to daedra and other-worldly items.

 When the Dovahkiin woke up, he found himself chained to a bed my iron shackles. As he looked around at his dark surroundings and saw that there were a set of bars in front of him, he deduced that he must be in a jail of some sort, most likely the castle dungeons, he had been down here before in one of his many tours of the castle, but this time he was the one behind the bars, not a would be criminal.

To pass the time before the Princess would come and eventually retrieve him, he tried to see if some of his other shouts would work here in Equestria, but, then he realised that his mouth had been gagged. He thought how Cadence could’ve gotten information on his shouts, but then he thought that Celestia must have mentioned it to her. But to his surprise, they had left his palms free, big mistake.

As soon as the Dovahkiin found his palms empty, he began to channel his mana to them, but found he couldn’t, after trying several times, he saw that the bands on his hands that he had believed to be just ordinary shackles, were in fact engraved with strange runic symbols, upon further inspection, he saw that they were the daedric symbols for “Cancel” and “Magic”. After further pondering, he observed that the words themselves must have power like the ones in the dragon language, but while those are more simple and easier to see, these have subtle effects, and are difficult to understand if you do not have prior knowledge. Upon even further inspection, he also found the symbols for “Suppress” and “Strength”, most probably meaning that even he would have a very hard time breaking these bands, even with his muscles of steel.

 “By the nine, does she want me to die of boredom?” Half shouted the Dovahkiin, mostly out of frustration that Celestia had left him down here for a good few hours, although only a muffled sound came out, as he was still gagged.

Then, almost instantly, he heard the gate behind him open, but instead of seeing a white Alicorn began, he was greeted by a pink one. simply laughed a very “I am better than you” laugh. She then to trot over to him.

 “Prisoner, living up to your namesake I see?” Said Cadence spitefully, giving him a look of disdain.

If the Dovahkiin was unbound and ungagged, he would have punched her in the face and melted her to a crisp with his fire breath, but unfortunately, he was neither. Seeing his struggling, Cadence

 “I think I have won now Prisoner, there is no where you can go, no one to turn to, I even made a very convincing argument to Aunt Celestia, telling her all about how you barged into my house and endangered Shining Armour’s life, although at first she did not believe me I was able to convince her after Shining gave a testimony for my side of the argument. It was so sad that I had to brainwash him again, I am just beginning to think his feeble mind might not be able to take what I am doing to it.” She said in a long dramatic monologue, with the Dovahkiin looking on in absolute puzzlement.

Seeing the Dovahkiin’s confused state, Cadence continued.

“So, you are wondering why I am doing this, manipulating royalty and military alike, well since you are not going anywhere for a very long time, I suppose I can tell you the gist of it. I am not evil, I am only doing this for the greater good, and my subjects are almost starving. I came here to try and feed them and taking over Equestria is the easiest way to do it. As for why you are down here, I do not want you to stop me, and while I could try to kill you, I believe that would be too hard, even at my current power. You seem to be extremely resilient to my mental magic as well, so it seems like my only choice is to keep you confined here until you die of starvation or old age, whichever comes first for your race. Well, I need to go and plan my new world order, so ciao for now.” Cadence finished, walking out of the Dovahkiin’s cage, laughing in triumph.

All the Dovahkiin could do was watch on, resigned to the fact that he will die in here if he stayed.

 After a few hours, the Dovahkiin started to hear music from above him, the loud thumps of bass and hoof steps, and the quiet chatter of ponies. This must of meant that the preparation dinner was above him, not that it mattered, as he was still chained up.

 In frustration, the Dovahkiin got up, went to the wall, and started to kick and hit it as hard as he could, which was causing extreme strain on his already weak body. Just as he was about to give up, he kicked the wall one last time, trying to see if he could break it. But instead of the wall chipping, it was his foot shackles. Surprised at this revelation, the Dovahkiin looked down in more detail at his foot bindings.

 Upon further examination, he saw that they had no Daedric markings on them, meaning that they were breakable to some extent. Even though they were not enchanted, they were still used to hold prisoners, and would be tough to break.

 What the Dovahkiin did next was something he would have thought not possible, he started to try and channel his mana into his legs, but not in any form of spell, just in pure, unadulterated energy. After struggling with this foreign presence in a place that was not meant to wield magic, he was able to expand the air around his shackles, super charging it with energy and causing it to explode.

 In awe of the fact that he had discovered a new way in which to channel magic, he had forgotten to summon a shield to protect his legs from the explosion he had caused.

 With his burns that while healable, hurt like hell, no armour, and magic that is now empty and can’t recharge for a while because of his fatigue, the Dovahkiin was more than helpless, all he could now rely on was his brute strength and his never ending luck, and today Lady Luck dawned on him greatly, as the explosion that he had just caused also blew open the wall behind him. Seeing this as an escape plan, he hastily made his escape, trying to make his way to the practice ceremony before it was too late.

 “Perfect girls, no need to rush.” Chimed Celestia, watching the Mane 6 walk down the aisle.

 “Then Cadence will enter.” as Celestia said this, the doors were illuminated by a yellow and blue light, opening them to show Cadence.

 As Cadence walked down the aisle, Twilight was standing next to Shining Armour, holding out the rings expectantly.

 As Cadence and Shining Armour rubbed horns, the Dovahkiin burst in, running like a mad man, followed by an entire entourage of guards.

 “STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!” One of the Guards shouted, levitating a bow and arrow.

 “How about no!” Shouted the Dovahkiin, hopping up the steps to a stunned Cadence and Celestia.

 “H-how did you get out of our trap.” Cadence almost screamed, fearful of her life, now that her only enemy was loose.

 The Dovahkiin just looked at her, rage seeping from his eyes in a cold hard stare.

 “There's one thing you never put in a trap if you're smart, if you value your continued existence, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow there's one thing you never ever put in a trap.” Calmly the Dovahkiin said, keeping up his coldness.

 “And what would that be?” Said Celestia, now butting into the conversation, angry at the prisoner escaping.

 “Me.” The Dovahkiin exclaimed, walking up to Cadence and striking her with his foot, as he did this he turned around and tried to headbutt Shining Armour in the face, but was constricted by Cadence and Celestia’s magic.

 “You shall go no further!” Warned Celestia, taking a battle stance should the Dovahkiin get loose.

 “Me, Celestia you know that I would never hurt you, maybe Luna, but not you.” Said the Dovahkiin, looking into those big magenta eyes, Celestia had to look away lest her resolve falter.

 “You shall be detained until you are proven innocent of the crimes bequeathed upon you, guards take him away.” Celestia at this point was almost tearing up.

 “Wait, you shall not take him away, instead showcase him in this room, so that tomorrow when this room is full, it shall serve as an example to those who think of defying the crown.” Cadence exclaimed, levitating the Dovahkiin to eye level and making a force field surround him.

“Since he is your prisoner, you can do as you wish, come on girls, let us leave this criminal alone.” Celestia said, ushering all but one of the girls out of the hall.

 As Twilight walked up to the Force field she could only think of one question to ask the Dovahkiin.

 “Why?” She asked tentatively, afraid of angering him further.

 As the Dovahkiin, he looked at her with a sadness in his eyes, as if he was deeply troubled by what came to pass.

 “Why, Twilight, well that is quite a complex answer. Mainly, it is because it is not my fault, your Princess set me up as a patsy, and now I have taken the bait.” The Dovahkiin said quietly. “She is evil Twilight, I know first hand. She trapped me and caged me as though I was some sort of animal. The only way I was able to get out was almost killing myself, and even then it wasn’t enough. She now has to humiliate me in front of a bunch of ponies as though I were a common mule.”

 “W-what, I don’t believe, Cadence is the avatar of Love, she would never do something like that!” Twilight exclaimed, defending her former foal sitter.

 “Oh but Twilight, I am not the Cadence you know!” Said Cadence, sneaking up on them.

 “C-cadence, what are you doing here?” Wondered Twilight aloud, looking at the Princess.

 “Why, tying up loose ends of course, now that he has told you everything, I can’t have you running around anymore.” With this Cadence’s horn glowed a sickly green.

 “TWILIGHT, RUN!” Shouted the Dovahkiin, but it was too late, as a demonic fire surrounded them both, sending them into whatever lay below.

 As Twilight sunk into the ground, she could faintly hear..

 “Sunshine, Sunshine, ladybugs awake...”