Twilight's weird journey through Canterlot
THIS IS NOT OFFICIAL WORK. THIS WAS SOMETHING TO HELP MYSELF TO GET RID OFF MY WRITERS LAZYNESS! WARNING, THIS FICTION IS COMPLETELY RANDOM AND WILL PROPABLY KILL YOU OR IT WILL MAKE YOU AT LEAST BRAINDEAD! THIS STORY IS BADLY WRITTEN AND A PAIN TO READ!!! EVEN THE PRE-READERS SHOULD NEVER READ THIS STORYthis was a joke!!!
The friendship express stops in Canterlot with a howling screech, before the doors are bursted open by a panting lavender coloured unicorn.
Princess Celestia called her most faithful student to come as fast as possible to her castle. Alone. For something private.
So Twilight Sparkle bursts out like a flash from the train... only to be stopped by a conductor on the trainyard who has stepped out from his bed this morning with the wrong leg.
"Stop!"
"What is it, mister?"
The conductor pony holds up a cardboard "Sign here!"
"What is it... SecuRom? What is that?" Twilight tilts her head to the side of this strange word.
"Just sign here!"
So Twilight does it like what she was told.
"Aand... sign here!" the conductor pony opens a new page.
"What? Rockstar SocialClub? I don't know what this, but let just enter me the town! I was ordered by Princess Celestia to come here!" says the unicorn annoyed, taking a step to the side to get past this unnerving earth pony.
"And her majesty ordered to let visitors sign a lot of needless pages, so sign here!" the pony moves right in front of her.
So Twilight signs for the Rockstar SocialClub...
"And this... a new update." the conductor pony shows her another page.
Twilight signs it, too. She let out a grunt of frustration.
"And here... Windows Live."
...
"And here for a new washing machine."
"When I can enter the town?!" asks Twilight, her patient decreased to almost zero.
"Just sign here!" the pony orders firmly.
As Twilight signed for the new washing machine (she didn't ordered it, but whatever?), the pony steps to the side, letting her finally enter the town. She gallops down the main road to the castle, but then she realizes that the conductor wasted a lot of her time. Good luck that there is a new service in Canterlot, namely a taxi company.
"Thanks Celestia." she sighs in relief as she spots a yellow chariot, which waits next to a shop. A muscolous but friendly looking blue earth pony stallion is strapped at the chariot, waiting for passengers.
"Taxi!" she yells. The door to the passenger seats are opening. She climbs in and says "To the Castle, but hurry."
"No problem, miss. Just take on the seatbelt and we can start the drive." says the friendly stallion back.
She nods in response and grabs the seatbelt magically. To her confuseness, it doesn't even budge.
"It's sticking..." she mutters.
"Oh, I totally forget to tell you that this seatbelt is a little difficult." says the stallion apoligizing back, "Add more force."
Twilight nods in understatment and uses her magic to pull at the seatbelt. She pulls and pulls and pulls...
RATSCH!
With all sudden, the ribbon of the seatbelt gives under her force. Even she is surprised how strong her magic is as she levitates the ripped seatbelt in front of her.
"Oh, I'm so sorry..."
The stallion turns his head in confuseness to Twilight. As he spots the ripped seatbelt, his eyes are shrinking in fear as he begins to yell "HELP! A INSANE PONY!"
"What? No! It was an accident!" says Twilight nervously.
But the pony unstraps himself from the chariot and runs frantically down the streets while yelling like a madpony "VANDALISM! THE YOUTH IS THE HORROR!!!"
"Stop! It was a misunderstanding! Come back!" yells Twilight as she hops down from the chariot, but the stallion disappears in a alleyway. She stomps her hoof in frustration on the ground, then she looks at the now abandoned taxi chariot.
"Hmph... then I use it for myself," says Twilight as he horn begins to glow, to enchant the chariot with a spell that makes it driving by itself. Or the user just uses it telephatically. Twilight decides to use the latter option as she hops back in the chariot and a few moments after, the chariot drives by itself to the direction of the castle.
As she drives, her stomach begins to growl. She is hungry.
"I think I have enough time..." she thinks as she spots an McDanold Hayburger Restaurant. She parks the chariot within a 180 degree swing next to the restaurant and climbs off from the vehicle, before she gallops inside...
Few seconds ago...
Trixie, the once and great powerful is under a heavy stress, sitting in the toilet. She does not have any money. Everywhere she went, the ponies were laughing at her due to the incident in Ponyville. And the fault was all Twilights! So she bought an rapid firing crossbow to rob the restaurant, to get some money. Maybe it was not the best idea, but what else she was supposed to do?
She leaves the toilet now, crossbow behind her, ready to rob the restaurant with it...
As she stands in front of the pay desk, she raises the crossbow and begins to yell at the (deaf) salesmare "GIVE THE MONEY! THIS IS A ROBBERY!"
At the same time, a very hungry Twilight Sparkle gallops in the restaurant. She overslooks the 'Slippy Hazard' sign, before she slips over the freshly-cleaned tiled floor. She must be very good in this, because she does an pirourette... before she bumps into Trixie accidentally, making her drop her crossbow.
As the two stand up, Twilight instantly recognizes Trixie and begins to apoligize "S-sorry, Trixie! I didn't mean to bump into you!" She looks on the ground and spots the crossbow which Trixie lost.
"Here, this is yours," she picks up the weapon magically and holds it over to Trixie. But she has other plans. She holds a hoof in the air, swinging it dismissely, before she runs out from the restaurant...
"Trixie! Your crossbow!"
"OH MY GOSH! SHE HAS GOT A WEAPON! SHE WILL KILL US ALL!" shouts the salesmare as she turned around to get some coffee for herself, but then she spotted Twilight holding a crossbow. The salesmare jumps over the paydesk and runs for the exit. The other guests are shouting in unleashed death anxiety, too, before they head out as well.
"What? This is not mine!" she exclaims flabbergasted. She looks around as her stomach growls again, "Can I get something to eat?"
After the dark recognition that the restaurant is empty and the food is out, she trots back to the chariot. She places the crossbow onto the seat next to her.
'I must register Trixie's weapon,' thinks Twilight. She tries to be nice to Trixie and do something for her. So she heads to some Police Officers who are stacking up at a bank...
"Silver, Stallion, Chariot Unit One are responding code three to 82th Starswirl Road at the bank for hostage barricade situation," says Miss July through the radio to Silver Vest, the leader of the current SPAT entry team. The team consists of Ferrum, Iron Steel and Golden Plate. All of them are equipped with the latest of firearm technology and other stuff.
All of them are focused on the mission to clear the bank off bad ponies... before a taxi sign that came from nowhere hit Silver Vest at his head, knocking him out cold.
"Lead has been injured!" yells Iron Steel, before he turns to the origin of the taxi sign...
Twilight drove to them but the magical spell she used to make the chariot driving under her will has not a breaker included, so she used a lantern. Unfortanely and thanks to the physicalic laws of the nature, the taxi sign from the top of the chariot let loose and was sent flying directly at the SPAT leaders head...
"Sorry... I'm here for registering this weapon..." mutters Twilight and holds up the crossbow.
"SHE HAS GOT A WEAPON!" shouts a nearby police mare.
"DROP THE WEAPON! DO IT NOW!!!" yells Golden Plate.
"Oh buck, why nopony listens to me?!" whines Twilight as she drives backwards. She stops to turn around and...
...and Prince Blueblood suddenly jumps in the chariot as he came from a nearby bordell "To Westminster Street, but hurry!". He did not paid attention at the driver.
Twilight begins to drive forth, accidentally running over Ferrum and Golden Plate, who were trying to open the doors of the chariot.
"This is an mistake. I'm not a taxi pony..." says Twilight.
"I don't care. You're driving a taxi, so bring me to my destination!" snorts Prince Blueblood and tilts his head to the side.
Meanwhile, one magical driven black police chariot takes chase of the fast taxi chariot, while a loud and masculine voice comes from it's megaphones "THIS IS THE POLICE! STOP THE CHARIOT AND GET OUT!"
"You don't understand, prince! I don't want to be a taxi driver!" whines the poor, now most wanted, lavender unicorn. She makes the chariot taking a turn under a bridge. The police chariot was not prepared for this at it slams against one of the supporters beams of the bridge, exploding in one instant. Instantly, Twilight get lost of her most wanted status as she was out from the officers vield of view.
"You... you know what?" snorts the snob prince suddenly loudly, "Stop this bucking vehicle and let me out!"
"Please listen to me! You don't undestand! Stay inside" she says back as she stops the chariot. But Blueblood does not listen to her, instead he opens the door and steps out "You know what? When I'm around you, you could bi--- AAAAAAAAAH!!"
Suddenly, Blueblood falls through a hole in the street and out of Canterlot. It does not need an explenation why the fuck there is an hole in the street, it is just there, so deal with it.
"I've tried to warn you... sorry prince."
And again suddenly, a scroll appears before her eyes. It wears to royal ensemble. She opens it with her magic and begins to read.
Dear faithful slaveTwilight Sparkle,
...WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!
Nevermind, a foreign ambassador waits for you at Babostreet for picking up, he wants to show you something in the Canterlot Internetcafe. I saw you driving around with a taxi, so why not make yourself for something up to?
Sincerely,
Solar FlarePrincess Celestia
"Hmph... okay, then I'll get him..." murmers Twilight as she drives to the Babostreet...
The foreign ambassador is a griffon with a baseball cap on his head. He looks very excited (if you know what I mean) and very forward to show somepony something.
Twilight halts the chariot next to the griffon so he can step in instantly.
She greets the griffon eagerly "Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle. I'll bring you to the Internet Cafe and-"
She cuts herself off as she hears the griffon speaking with such a speed that would make Pinkie Pie jealous... and of course, in his native language "Hallo, mein Name ist Reiner und ich wollte schon immer das neue Videospiele Konzept euch zeigen. Wisst ihr, in dieser Welt wo...(*1 translation at the end of this story!)"
Twilight stops listens to him, because she does not understand a single word "Like I thought, I would not understand a single word."
The speed of the griffons words makes her only driving faster to the destination of the passenger, to get rid off hthe griffon as soon as possible. She dodges other ponies with ease, but the griffon in the chariot is shaken everytime.
The griffon, however, keeps talking like mad "Man muss seine Chancen sofort erkennen und auch nutzen bevor es ein anderer macht. Die Ideen muss nicht den anderen gefallen, sondern nur dir selbst. Man muss über sich selbst hinaus wachsen. So ist das halt in meinem Branchengebiet sonst hat man keine weiteren Chancen!" slowly but surely the griffons face changes it's colour to green, "... sag mal was fährst du denn hier für eine Kacke zusammen, ich glaub ich muss gleich kotzen!(*2)"
"Excuse me, but it is difficult to listen to you, driving the chariot and reading the translations at the same time! If you are about to vomit, then swallow it down!" says Twilight, as she stops next to the internet cafe "So, here we are!"
So the two are entering the cafe and sitting down at a computer. The griffon brings out a USB-Flashdrive and plugs it in the computer. In the window of the USB-Flashdrive, he starts a program named 'Call Of Duty: Black Guards'.
"Oh, is it a videogame?" asks Twilight excited. She never has the time to play videogames, because she is so busy with her study the magic of friendship. All other ponies are having jobs, she is the only grown mare who has not one. Maybe she should stop study the magic of friendship (she studied it since she was a filly), and start study something else, maybe she should study electronics? This study just needs four to five years (A/N: I study electronics, I know what I writing about!!!), then she could get a apprenticeship for electronics, then after three more years she is an real electrician and she could get a job, own her own money, find a nice stallion, rut his juice empty and have a nice life with a lot of foals. Princess Celestia can fuck herself somewhere with the magic of friendship! It contains no use for the general public. Everyone today has problems with electronic devices and she could help them all!
THIS IS USEFUL IN THE GENERAL PUBLIC!!!
Ehem...
As soon as the griffon begins to play, her eyes widens at the sheer gory contents of the game. Everything is shown from the first-pony-perspective (FPS), the griffon claws are visible, and holding a XM216 Minigun while firing it at other griffons.
As the demo game ends, the griffon asks her "Und? War doch ganz geil, oder?(*3)"
After Twilight read the translation, she answeres "I don't know... it's rather violent, it contains no educational values and mainly..." she picks up Trixies crossbow from the ground "Why the griffon has suddenly a weapon? I don't understan-"
TWANG!!!
A arrow leaves the crossbow at a soundbarrier breaking speed, hitting the griffon square center in his chest, killing him instantly, shocking the other ponies in the cafe and they all leave the cafe while shouting "SHE KILLED AN PONY! AND NOW SHE WILL KILL US!"
Twilight rushes out from the cafe, holding the crossbow in her magic "Sorry, sorry... the crossbow... I forget to switch on the safety!"
The ex-taxi driver from before stands along with a few other taxi driver, talking about significant stuff like about the dust from where the zebras are coming or that a sack of rice had fallen over in the Griffon Empire. Horrible news... really horrible and important.
Suddenly, the ex-taxi driver pony recognizes Twilight who is standing in front of the cafe, before he yells "Hey! That's the bitch which took my job!"
"SHE'S STEALING OUR JOBS!!!!!!!!!" are shouting the other taxi driver as they mount their own chariots, to take chase of Twilight who jumped in her own taxi chariot, to drive away as fast as her magic could, as some police chariot are driving around a street crossing, to take chase of her, too...
Every TV channel in Equestria are reporting the current happening in Canterlot. A important looking mare with blonde mane reports the status "A crazy and insane pony has an chase with the police and..." she looks at the sheets of paper in front of her in disbelief "Taxi ponies... We still don't know the reason for her behaviour..."
"I must get my flank to the castle..." groans Twilight, not taking attention of the many chariots behind her.
"We are switching to Miss July, the pegasus mare from the well-known Special Ponies And Tactics. She is in the flying chariot to watch over the situation."
The tv-camera switches to the inboard camera of the flying chariot. The chariot can fly due of the many magical dragon wings that are mounted on the side of it. The pilot is Iron Steel, another SPAT member.
Miss July, the dispatch mare from SPAT, wears a rather large headset. She begins to talk at the camera "You will not believe what we can see! The insane pony drives with an abnormal speed through the streets of Canterlot, while the police and... taxi chariots are right behind her! Oh, she has got an accident, she has driven into a lantern... now she broke into a bicycle shop and stole an bicycle! Now she drives with the bicycle on the main street to the castle! We are diving down to get a closer look at the pony."
She switches the camera to one of the static ironwings cameras.
The flying chariot dives down to the streets of Canterlot, unfortanely in front of Twilight...
Her body hits one of the flapping dragon wings. The force of the impact hurls her off from the bicycle and into one of the outside cameras, destroying it with one instant.
The mare from the news ask "Miss July, is everything okay?"
The screen switches back to the inside camera, showing again Miss July "You will not believe what just happened! The suspect pony sits directly next to me!"
Twilight sits in the pilot seat. How she get there, no swin knows, but hell, she is in a flying chariot! The pilot was kicked out somehow, so yes, he died. So tragic.
"I'm really sorry for what I did, I really am! But I need to get to the castle! Do you know how I can fly this thing?" asks Twilight, turning to the buttons and levers on the console.
"No plan, I have never flew one of this chariots before!" answeres Miss July back.
"I wonder what this button is up to..." asks Twilight herself as she pushes said RED button on the console before her. Suddenly, a pair of gatlings are swinging out from each side of the chariot and beginning instantly to shoot... the noise they make sounds like a long burps. The houses in front of the chariot are instantly transformed into thin dust.
"WHY THE BUCK YOU HAVE MACHINEGUNS ON YOUR TV-CHARIOT?!" shouts Twilight frantically, trying to find the button that could switch off the gatlings.
"It was an gift from the Griffon Empire!" shouts Miss July back.
"AND WHY I CAN'T SWITCH THEM OFF?!"
"Must be a griffon thingy..." says Miss July, as Twilight begins to fly to the direction of the castle, gatlings still shooting. Soon they are over the castle...
Suddenly, a scroll appears in front of Twilight. It is from Princess Celestia.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
If you don't show up here in the next minute, then you won't become a princess and I'll step on the roof of your house!!1! SAUS ROFL XD $@€%!?*'#ߧ LOL the keyboard is sticking!
Best greetings from the first motherbucking ruler of this wastelandcountry.
"NO! I'll step on YOUR roof!" smirks Twilight as she dives down at one of the many towers of the castle...
SCHLICK! KABOOM!
Princess Celestia waits with Princess Luna in the throne hall and looking at some boring and not-bulletproof coloured windows, as the whole castle shakes once. A few minutes later, the doors of the hall are opening, revealing a panting Twilight. With her, a Night Guard, yelling "THE LUNAR WING HAS BEEN DESTROYED!!!"
"MY PONYBOX ONE! NOOOOOOOO!" shrieks Princess Luna, galloping out with the Night Guard and leaving Twilight and Princess Celestia alone in the throne hall.
"Twilight, it's about the time..." says Princess Celestia, giving her the stink eye.
"I'm sorry! So sorry! I don't know how to explain!" sobs Twilight.
"Explain me this!" exclaims Princess Celestia, showing her a pile of complaintment letters.
"This...? This is..."
Princess Celestia turns round to Twilight "The washing machine was not paid, the Taxi company is bankrupt, the Griffon Empire sits in my neck and the SPAT says I should pay for an new chariot! Do you know what this means?!"
"N-No...?" says Twilight, shrinking at Celestias size.
"That means we need more princesses to move our land in a good light! You get a rank-up!" says Princess Celestia smiling "You'll be turned into a alicorn, but also cursed with immortality!"
"Hooray!" shouts Twilight in joy.
Meow...
Translations:
Hello, my name is Reiner, and I always wanted to show you all the new videogame concept. You know, in this world...
You must realize immidiately your chances and use them before someone else uses them. The others must not like your ideas, just of yourself. You have to grow over yourself. That is what my knowledge of industry does, otherwise you don't have other chances...[...]... what are your driving together for a poop, I think I'm about to vomit!
And? It was awesome, wasn't it?
