Radio Baltimare

I sat waiting in the studio for my new segment. Apparently I was supposed to spend the next hour talking with a few guests. They never gave me a script, or any idea of who I would be talking to. They just told me to sit down and get ready. And for what good it did, I was ready. My foot was beating the short carpet like mad, my hands tensing and untensing along the arm of my chair, and still I forced myself to be ready.

I could feel my asshole clench as the door opened, the loud click nearly shooting me through the roof. "Um...is this the right room?" Coco asked, sneaking her hoof around the door and peaking in. "Oh...hi. I guess it is." She walked into the center of the room, tiptoeing slowly and taking stock of the room. "This is nice, very qui--"

Marigold pushed the doors open with one swift shove. "Alright, Ben, get ready! Marshmallow, go take a seat!" She yelled, not only screwing up my name, but Coco's as well. "Cody get us miked up--"

The intercom buzzed to life, "Marigold...you fired Cody."

marigold stopped dead in the center of the room. "Well hire him back! Either way we need microphones, now!" She trotted over, swinging her head left and right. "Neo, go ahead, take a seat closer to Blueberry."

I felt my hands curl up into a pair of claws. "Marigold...I swear to god, if you don't get my name right, someone is going to die!"

She just scoffed, turning to Coco and pulling her from her seat. "Oh calm down Terry, it's not a big deal. I got you that date didn't I?"

I made a strange, angry noise, something between a growl and a scream of rage. "Swear to all the gods, Islam, Christ, Jehovah, I'm going to stab you in the brain with a fork!"

Marigold shot her hooves up, letting them go slack at the joint and waving them at me. "Ooooh, mister tough guy, gonna stab a mare with a fork, oooo. You know Vince you're--"

"In the brain!" I shouted, leaning forward in my seat, "Work you like a finger puppet after that!"

Marigold swished her tail around like mad. "Work me like a finger puppet, eh? Save it for later, we've got a show to do." Her tone was low, sultry, and of so aggravating.

I leaned over my seat, looking towards Coco who'd been planted on a couch next to me. "Coco...if I get up, I need you to either get me out of here or knock me out, because if she keeps this up someone is going-out-a-fucking-window!" I hissed, my eyes popping open as I hissed and snarled. "I can't take it anymore!"

Coco just nodded, leaning back in her seat. "Um...okay, if it makes you--"

A unicorn with a few black earpieces hurried in. Marigold flew in behind him. "Yeah just set up Minty and Tom--"

"I'm gonna break your wings!" I shouted, fingernails digging into the seat. "It's not a hard name to remember! If it was Abdula San Jaquelin Shlitter I'd understand, but it's not--"

I was cut off as the unicorn snapped a microphone to my collar. "Let it go...just let it go man."

Coco snickered softly, "What's a Shlitter?"

Her laugh damped my rage, her peaceful tone and appearance doing wonders to keep me from murdering the flamboyant mass of forgetful pony. "Uh...it's like...Swedish or something, I don't know." I leaned back, tugging the microphone and fitting the earpiece into place. "But seriously...you remember my name right?"

"Ethan?" Coco asked, tilting her head softly. Even if she was wrong it was a sincerity that I just couldn't get mad at. "It's Ethan, right?"

I took a deep breath and leaned back. "You're staying in my house, using my electricity, least you could do is learn it well."

Coco sank back into her seat. "Sorry...I just--"

"It's a joke. And you've got it memorized better in a day that she does in...three...god damn...months." I churdled, mouthing obsenity at Marigold as she found a seat across from me. "Fucking bitch...it's Ethan...just get it right for once--"

"Mark shut up."

"Shallow grave!"

"I'll shallow your grave!" She shot back, leaning forward, "I'll shallow all over your grave, I'll fucking shallow it so non-deeply that you'll never get buried, now shut up Ethan!" Marigold screamed, her hooves slipping off her chair. "Celestia damn, you bitch so much just cause I can't remember your generic face!"

I grabbed the edges of my mustache, pulling so hard I ripped out a few hairs and made the room jump. "Come here!" I ran out of my seat, pushing the unicorn into the wall and grabbing Marigold's goldenbrown forelegs. "Out the window!" I shifted my hands down, holding her belly and waddling over towards the window. "Someone open this fucking thing!"

"Do it! I dare you, do it!" Marigold shouted, causing my brain to do a double take. If I threw her, she won, if I didn't, I was a bitch. I found myself caught between two equally horrific options. "You're a pu--"

"Shut up!" Coco screamed, causing the unicorn with the microphones to jump upright in a flash. "Sit down, both of you!"

I snapped around, pivoting on my heel and tossing Marigold to the ground. She landed sloppily, her hooves barely gripping the carpet. "See I knew you--"

Coco glared at us, burning a pinprick hole through Marigold's forehead. "Sit...down." She hissed, finally showing the bite I would expect from someone like her. The bite I had, the bite of an overworked, underpaid, under appreciated person. I took two long steps, lunging into my seat before she could continue to spit venom. "Thank you...." She rubbed her throat as Marigold mumbled and groaned back towards her chair. "...Did I yell? I didn't mean to yell." Coco said into her hoof, "Sorry."

I sank into my chair, letting out a deep sigh as things went back to normal. We were set up, the radio was turned off and we were ready. Marigold waved at me and Coco. "So...this is basically a morning show, just relax, have fun and try not to stutter."

"How about fuck you?" I asked, covering my mic, "How about get my name right?!"

A loud buzzer cut me off, followed by a sharp nasally voice from the intercom. "You're live."

Marigold snapped to it, "Hello Baltimare, ladies and gentlecolts, and you other provincials, welcome to the inaugural episode of Radio Baltimare's morning hour." For all my gripes with her, her radio manners were excellent. Her voice was strong, her posture straight even while behind the mic. "We're gonna keep things short today, and just get to introductions. I'm Marigold, your host and the best pony around. With me today are, ...Oma--"

"Hi I'm Ethan arroyo, token human I suppose...." I muttered, only half committed to the show. I turned to face Coco, watching as she played with her collar. Eventually I caught her attention, causing her to pop upright.

"Oh, and I'm Coco Pommel...." She spoke softly, fidgeting and squirming in her chair. "I make clothes...not really sure why I'm--"

Marigold tapped her hooves on the chair. "I brought Coco in all the way from Manehattan, just to have someone to keep us dressed nicely and to be the wonderfully squishy ball of love we need on air."

"...I'm not...squishy...." Coco mumbled, grinding her hooves together.

I stretched out, "All the way? Manehattan is like...half an hour away, just take the bullet train...."

"Ethan shut--"

"No, it's too early for your crap!" I leaned forward, nearly spewing bile with my words, but still not crossing the line. "And it's amazing to me how well you remember my name on air! Now I'm important? Not when I was working for you, plugging in cables like mad or getting coffee. No, suddenly I'm important and you're sitting here, without coffee I might add--" I looked up, spotting the ponies in the control booth exploding. Hooves were waving around like mad, a guy in a hat was slamming his palms against the glass, everything was melting down in there. "supposed to act like it's completely normal! You want a morning show, here's your morning show!" I flopped back down, crossing my arms and staring mockingly at the booth. "Yeah...like that!?"

I watched the control room, ponies sprinting about and screaming. But beyond the chaos, a single mare was staring at a low screen, hooves pressed hard against her desk. A human leaned over, mouthing something vulgar and shooting his head back. He snapped his head up to me, rolling his hands as the mare scribbled something, and in a flash a sign met the glass. More.

I took a deep breath, venting was good, and they were literally asking for more. "Chubby little, how are you chubby!? You're a pegasus, how are you not the leanest flighty little bint alive!?"

Marigold scoffed, poking her plump belly. "Ow, I- ow! Tsss," she hissed, cringing and leaning forward. "Aren't you just the meanest things- should I ask about your skinny ass? Bone little weirdo, I mean you're human too! Great representative for your race--"

"Bitch, I'm the god damn best! You're the one who can't remember our names! What did you call me, Mark, Joe, that's fucking racist as shit!" I shouted, leaning across Coco and getting a bit riled up. "That's like me calling you Sea-biscuit!" I snapped toward Coco, "Coco, you wanna go get hammered?!"

Coco popped upright, looking towards Marigold. "Um...it's a little--"

Marigold was smiling wide at the control room, "You can't leave! We got a show you punks!" Her voice was directly opposite of her expression, she was ecstatic, and whatever was going on with our listeners must have been crazy. "Get back here damn it!"

I reached over to Coco, "Come on, let's go." I tore her mic of, tossing it to the ground in as loud a fashion as possible. "Come on, I'll buy you a drink!"

I turned around, spotting the ponies in the control room huddled around a single screen, a pair of them hugging and screaming at the top of their lungs. I hurried to the door, holding it open as Coco finally caught on and trotted slowly over.  "Um...I guess- Whiskey?" She asked, brushing past my leg.

I pulled my mic off, holding it near the door and giving it a sharp slam. I waited for a few seconds, smiling down at Coco and getting a warm smile back. "Woo!" A sharp scream came from the control room, a pony running out and slamming themselves against the wall. "We beat Manehattan Post! Buck yeah!"

Another mare bolted out of the control room. "Oh gods, ponies loved it! They loved it! Screw you Manehattan, screw you!" The pair of ponies reared up, slamming their hooves together and letting out a mighty clop.

I turned to Coco, scooping her up and throwing her over my shoulder. "Oh god that felt good!" I scratched her back, causing her to twitch and stretch as I dug my fingers into her coat. "Come on...got a date, but screw that, let's--"

"W-ait- you too?" Coco asked, accidentally popping her muzzle against the back of my head. "...Sorry."

"It's good." I turned my hand, getting a better surface area of scratchage. "What's up?"

Coco coughed roughly. "...I think your boss set us up...."

I stopped dead, "Copperhead's?"

Coco let out a short huff. "Copperhead's."

I stared out into space. "...Hey, you wanna go get hammered?"

"I can't--"

I carried Coco down the hall, ponies pouring out of the control room. "I'll pay...hell...make it a double."