Radio Baltimare

"So, saw those two mares walk you home last night." My neighbor leaned out of his window, the slim griffon chewing on an apple while watching me. "Get lucky?"

I ignored him, continuing to blast myself with a hose. "I'll never be clean again!" I shouted, scrubbing myself through my boxers. "Never again!" I continued to spray myself down, the freezing cold water only made all the worse by the rising sun. "Oh god, why!?"

My neighbor continued to eat. "I don't know, they looked cute. One was walking into posts and stuff, but the other one seemed alright."

I threw the hose to the ground, picking up a kitchen sponge and scraping it along my body. "They don't make water hot enough!"

My neighbor nodded. "Probably got a little steamy right?"

I fell to my knees in the small puddle forming on our shared lawn. "Aaaugh, mom, dad, I'm so sorry!" I fell onto my hands and knees. "I think I'm just going to walk into the ocean."

My neighbor chuckled. "Sure. Hey, you want a bagel or something?"

I stayed in the middle of our lawn, on my hands and knees, waiting for god to strike me down with a bolt of lightning or a truck dropped from on high. "...Towel?"

My neighbor nodded, finishing up his apple. "I'll bring you a towel and a muffin, okay?"

I flopped onto my side, the cold grass nice against my sponge scrapes. "...Berry please...." I stared out at the ocean, watching the sun slowly rise in the distance. "...eugh." I whimpered to myself, wondering how painful it would be to be eaten by a sea monster.