Sometimes I feel like the only sane one
Author's Note
Ok, in case you didn't read the summary, Ill repeat myself. This story was written for pure fun and for the sake of writing. The random tag is duly required because of the complete and utter randomness.
Sometimes I feel like the only sane one
“...and with that Princess Twilight you’ve completed everything on the list.” Twilight Sparkle’s aid, Checklist, hummed softly as she magically checked the last box. The manilla coated mare with a precise and practiced flare, rolled and neatly tied the scroll before passing it off to Spike to catalog.
The new princess nodded approvingly as she watched Spike trot over to the newly built maple dresser that housed all their completed checklists. Satisfied that the scroll would be safely cataloged and stored, the alicorn turned back to her manilla colored aid to thank her once more for her invaluable assistance and to bid her a good night. Checklist nodded and thanked Twilight for allowing her to organize and plan her checklists and plans before leaving the brother-sister duo alone.
“I tell you Twilight, Checklist must have angered somepony in a past life to end up with a name like that. Who would honestly condemn their foal to a life of checklists by naming them that?
“Spike! How can you say something so mean? Checklist is a wonderful and well organized pony and an invaluable assistant, I mean she even makes a checklist of my checklists to make sure I’m finishing them! I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect assistant.” Twilight defended the strange manilla mare to which Spike retorted with more of his wild named conspiracies.
“Twilight you can’t be that blind to what’s all around us! Fluttershy, scared and timid like a butterfly: Rainbow Dash, a flying rainbow and Colgate!”
“The dentist? What about her is so strange Spike? We’ve known her for at least two years and she has been nothing but pleasant and wonderful the whole time.”
“Her name is that of a toothpaste brand, she even looks exactly like said toothpaste and she’s a dentist? Coincidence, I think not.” His sister signed in defeat and began heading for the door, unable to tolerate this nonsense anymore. Hearing about it once or twice at first was funny considering it was Spike, but now it was like Pinkie Pie had left her record on a loop.
One could only last for so long before Twilight had to choke a pony.
“I’m heading to dinner now Spike, did you want to join us or take your meal in the room again?”
“The usual Twilight, me and Lyra are currently looking into reports of timberwolves that actually hunt by themselves!” With a quick roll of her eyes, the alicorn left their room behind in a trot since she was on the verge of being late for the pre-dinner open talks; a period where Twilight and her fellow princess’s could meet and enjoy each others company free of their political burdens.
A flash of magic here and there and Twilight reappeared a few hooves away from the dining room’s elegantly carved wooden doors. A masterful example of pony folk art that depicted a near complete moral of Equestria’s trials and history all the way up to the modern day, excluding Luna’s return and Twilight’s ascension to an Alicorn; from small hints being dropped by Celestia, it seemed there was another door already being commissioned.
Just the thought thrilled and terrified her. She and her friends already had a stained window but to be reminded of their historical immortality had left Twilight feeling light headed a couple of times. It was difficult enough becoming the center of attention at parties and gatherings without having works of art made in their honor…
“MOTHER! Don’t talk about ponies like that! I swear you’re worse than a foal hearing their first naughty word.”
“Relax sister, she is grown and can speak how she wants. Besides mother is older than the two of us combine, you shouldn’t be disciplining her Celestia.”
Twilight ceased all thoughts about the wondrous doors and its impact on her getting noticed by stallions and looked questioningly at the two guards. Both failed to acknowledge the young princess’s presence as the pair were in a deep self induce trance designed to rest and prepare the mind for future mental functions.
The guards had fallen asleep at their post, one even did it with their eyes open.
The scholarly alicorn sighed irritatedly and wondered why the Royal Guards ever had problems protecting Canterlot and the Princesses. With the realization that the two guards were completely useless, opened the doors herself deciding that her curiosity wouldn’t kill itself. Twilight’s mind lit in mini supernovas wondering about the pony Celestia and Luna called their mother.
“Princess Celestia, Princess Luna I’m sorry I’m late, but the checklist…” and like that the words died in her mouth when instead of another majestic alicorn like how popular media commonly portrayed, but a dim, white looking wolf met her sight…
Princess Celestia and Luna both turned and greeted the young and confused princess before turning their attention back to the wolf seated directly across from them at the table. The wolf tilted its head at the sisters, giving a small whine as it did. Luna nodded vigorously as if responding to it.
“Indeed dear mother. This is Twilight Sparkle, the one we’ve told you about and also the very one that freed us from our nightmare. She is a fine pony and shaping up to be a fine princess as well.” Luna in fact was responding to the wolf, who turned back and barked at Twilight which startled the mare back to reality.
“Mother says thank you young Twilight for freeing us, and is happy to meet you.” Celestia nodded, backing up Luna’s words.
“Yes, and she has been a very productive student as well mother. In fact it’s because of her dedication and quest for knowledge that has saved Equestria more than once as well.” The wolf turned to Twilight and once more tilted its head to the side before whining again.
Twilight gave the wolf her attention for the entirety of this strange before collecting herself to take a seat at table which, to her discomfort was next to the wolf. The wolf’s near soulless eyes watched her movement as she made her way from the doors to her seat next it, never blinking, never allowing her leave its sight. The princess released a slight shudder of fear.
Thankfully the royal sisters noticed this and were quick to react, Celestia rebutting the wolfs clear lack of manners while Luna giggled. The wolf in turned seemed taken back by this response and pinned its ears down, whining sadly at its mistake.
“It’s fine mother but please try to remember ponies are more skittish than the locals from home, and are more prone to panic; especially when a potential predator is eyeing them.”
“Yes indeed mother, it is a truth that surprises me to this day. We would have thought after living in such a peaceful time ponies would be less prone to such an outburst, but old traditions die hard. HA!” The wolfs ears lifted and swiveled side to side before turning its head back to the door and wagging its tail in excitement.
“Haha! It seems you have not lost your appetite at all mother! Prepare thyself for refreshments and drink.” Twilight wanted to ask something but had to hold off as the door next to her opened revealing five maids, four carrying platters of food on their backs while the fifth one carried the try containing the party’s tea. The servants respectively present each pony and wolf with their own meal; salads for the princesses and to the horror of Twilight, a fish diner for the carnivore.
The sisters thanked the servants for their meals and dismissed them for the remainder of the night. Not needed to be told twice, the servants quickly made their way to the door not wanting to be in the same vicinity of the strange and unnerving wolf. Twilight watched as they nearly tripped over themselves to leave and felt sorry for ponies, but the wolf’s panting drew her attention. It was panting as if it had just came back from a light jog, tail wagging while its head bobbed up and down following…
“Are you ogling the servants!” Twilight blurted out causing the 5 ponies to gallop out of the room. Celestia and Luna each rose from their meals to stare at Twilight in shock before turning to their “mother” who for worst had a terrible poker face. Luna was laughing uncontrollably, spilling her tea in the process as Celestia rubbed her hooves over her face in defeat.
“Dearest mother, it’s good to see you have not lost what makes you mortal. If it lessens the embarrassment some we would like to declare the one in the maid outfit has the marshmallow hindquarters we find desirable!” Her mother barked in complete agreement, while Twilight and Celestia nearly choked on their tea.
“But they all had maid outfits Luna!” Twilight pointed out the obvious flaw in the night alicorn’s logic when Celestia interrupted her. “Thats the point Twilight, Luna and...mother are saying they desire all of them.”
The young alicorn wanted to counter that notion but blushed harder when the grinning smile and the happy bark from Luna and their mother ended that thought. Twilight looked past them to her mentor who shook her head, a signal to just stop and accept it for what it was.
Ultimately the alicorn’s will to argue died along with her appetite when the rending of flesh assaulted her ears. A quick placement of a hoof kept her from losing the contents of her stomach right there and then; it didn’t help when Luna declared she was “in” and slammed her muzzle into her salad and proceed to rip it apart as well.
“Luna do have to mimic everything you see? Mother as an excuse since she has no hooves or magic to help her eat, you on the other hoof do.”
“But Celestia this is more pleasing and satisfying to us! The liberation one receives while eating like is invigorating; no worries of judgment and repercussions.” Luna lifted her muzzle from the bowl of ravaged salad, licking the stray pieces of lettuce that still clung to her before using a napkin.
Her entire posture and attitude suddenly and instantly changed like somepony had just walked up and flipped a switch.
“While that was enjoyable, you are correct indeed correct sister. We as a Princess of Equestria and ruler of the night have an image and a certain air to maintain; Mother it grows late and our nightly duty draws near, would you like the honor of raising the moon tonight for old time sakes?”
Twilight’s jaw nearly snapped off her muzzle once Luna had finished her little speech, while Celestia only raised a brow slightly and resumed formulating her plan to ship various members of the castle staff. The night princess seemed none the wiser as she watched the wolf tilt its head before rising to all fours to bark its acceptance.
“Excellent mother! We can not wait to see you masterfully bring out the moon once more, its been far too long since we have last seen it.” Luna stated with pent up enthusiasm and actually leaped over the table in one jump, nearly knocking over the candlestick that lit their table.
Twilight watched as the two walked toward the balcony of the dining hall, opening the curtains to reveal the the sun still hovering in the air. Luna was telling the wolf something as it kept looking between the sky and her, letting small yips and barks in throughout the “conversion”.
“Princess Celestia, Luna can’t seriously be trying to have a wolf raise the moon can she? I mean this must be some prank or...or is she breeding a magical race of wolves to aid her in nightly quest to take over the world? I mean that’s the only logical explanation but then why do you both call it mother and why am I...”
“Enough Twilight. It is neither of those but Luna’s original proposal for our mother.” Celestia lowered her tea cup, allowing the teapot to hop over and refill the cup. “Thank You, Discord. Now Twilight I know it is hard to believe but we’re not jesting you when we say that wolf is our mother.”
“Ah so that explains why you’re so feisty Celly, you do have your mothers coat and wild nature.” The teapot spoke before Discord slipped through the snout and into Celestias cup. “If I didn’t know any better I would say you were part draconequus as well, a sign from the old ones that we were destined to be.” Celestia lit her horn instantly, causing the tea to boil and expel Discord from her cup.
“Not in the mood Discord.”
“Are you having another headache dear?” he asked with his knowing grin, chuckling at her increasingly irked reaction. “Why, what's with the long face!” Discord lost it and broke down into a hysterical mess, much to Celestia’s great annoyance. The sun princess having had enough rose from the padded cushion and started heading for the door.
“I’m sorry Twilight for the sudden departure, but…” She glance back to the draconequus who was now in her salad bowl, breaching the surface like a whale. “... I just need to lay down.” the day alicorn quickly added before disappearing in a flash of light. The sudden flash attracted Luna’s attention who had during that time trotted over to the table with her mother by her side. Discord gave a small wave before submerging back into the depths of the deep, green sea of lettuce.
“Wait when did Luna raise the moon? I don’t remember it even getting dark.” Twilight thought to herself. Luna pointed a hoof toward the salad bowl and spoke.
“That sea monster you see before you mother is none other than Discord, once Lord of Chaos but now nothing more than a little worm that every so often tickles somepony.” The wolf gave the bowl a quick moment of its attention and barked, drawing the sea monster from hiding.
“What do you mean I resemble one of your children? Oh..mother of Celestia...er oh you, have I been hitting on my own sister!”
The wolf barked, and then growled. “Mother is right Discord, you do resemble our older brother Yomi, but that’s about it.”
“So I’m not related to you at all then?” The wolf grunted, which caused Discord to jump from the salad bowl and into the air for joy. For added aesthetics he even took a page from Pinkie’s book and started throwing confetti and streamers. Luna and Twilight adopted Celestia’s earlier headache as their own while the wolf mother only set and watched the crazed antics of the former lord.
It was getting late and so far all the young princess had accomplished was losing her appetite, watching Luna act out of character, Celestia treating a strange wolf as her own foal, and Discord… well failing once more to properly court the Sun Princess. Twilight could remember a time before where she never had to deal with such a constant stream of shenanigans on a daily basis. Oh she was grateful for her life and friends, but she wouldn’t deny entertaining the thought of returning to her old life of quiet studying and magic lessons.
Seeing how the three before were likely going to continue this act for sometime, the young princess decided she was ready to turn for the night. When she announced her intentions, the three stopped what they were doing and had all turned to face her; Discord shrugging off her “lack of fun” as more proof Twilight was becoming Princess of the librarians, Luna began talking to the wolf that at this point she had giving up on figuring out.
“Dear Twilight we are sorry thou as not enjoyed thyself tonight, but what would say if we could rewind the time just a bit for you at least finish your meal? Would this be an acceptable proposition?”
“Dear Twilight we are sorry thou as not enjoyed thyself tonight, but what would say if we could rewind the time just a bit for you at least finish your meal? Would this be an acceptable proposition?”
“Luna we both know time spells are illegal regardless if we’re princesses…”
“Nonsense Twilight! We meant to raise the sun for another hour so you may dine.”
“But Luna I can eat just fine like this and besides Celestia is already in her room, and no offence but I don’t think you’re capable of raising it yourself.” Luna snickered while shaking her head.
“Of course we can not, we meant for our mother to raise it for us!” Before the hungry and confused princess could react the wolf had somehow acquired a paint brush, and was rotating its head in a circle. Twilight opened her mouth to question Luna’s mental condition when the world suddenly became brighter. She turned around and winced from the brightness, but got over it quickly when the familiar warmth and light graced her senses.
The alicorn did a doubletake between the wolf and the now shimmering sun twice before losing it.
“That’s it I’m done. I’m going back to ponyville and live the rest of my life surround by books.”
“Dearest Twilight, you don’t have to leave right this second do you? Mother was just about perform the acts to welcome you to the family; Discord included.” The dining hall went deadly silent to the point dust could be heard falling. The alicorn and draconequus each gave a different reaction; one of pure horror and the other a smile that would make Pinkie Pie proud.
“You mean…” the wolf barked which Luna quickly translated for the young mare.
“Indeed Twilight, you would be welcomed to the family with open hooves and treated as if you were one of mothers pups, foals, whatever the term may be. You would be invited to the family gathering every couple of centuries where we recount tales of valor and skills, and if everypony is up for it we release a former adversary or two for “kicks” as the young ones say. Just ask Discord, he was released in a similar manner.” This gave the two inductees a pause to let the information sink in.
““Wha?” was the question finally asked which Luna answered as plainly as she could to not confuse the young princess.
“We released Discord to have a bit of fun and excitement. Didn’t you find it odd for a class of young foals to be having a field trip in our private gardens, especially one containing the heirs of chaos?”
“YOU PLANED HIS RELEASE SO YOU COULD HAVE SOME FUN!”
“Indeed, and what a lovely stain glass we now have lining the ever increasing hallway of accomplishments. By the way Discord your performance during the whole “ordeal” was beyond believable. Why it was to the point we thought you were truly trying to take Equestria over once more!”
“I was.”
“Oh…weren’t you told before hoof?”
“ After I was freed I immediately stole the elements and I was encased in stone for a good 1000 years, so no. .”
The ruler of the night lost her enthusiasm quickly after the sudden revelation, causing her to rethink some of her previous thoughts. She looked up at both wanting to say something but closed her mouth before opening it once more to speak.
“So Chrysalis wasn’t a… oh do you say it… a performer for the stallion’s party?”
“Oh Celestia please tell me you’re not that stupid. You didn’t hire her as an escort did you?” Out of the corner of her eye, Twilight could make out Discord who was holding back his laughter by zipping his mouth shut.
“If that is the modern name were a stallion can enjoy a strange mare at a party before being bined to one for life, then yes.” When her answer only seemed to agitate Twilight even more, Luna started to fidget. “She said she’ll do it for free and bring friends for everypony! We thought it was a good deal!”
Twilight’s teleportation spell went off without any interference, leaving the three gods in an awkward silence. Luna was recoiling from the burst her bubble had just received, Discord reverted to spelling out his laughter in the tea, and their mother started to whine at the sudden departure of her new daughter.
Luna turned to her mother and gave her a gentle hug. “Fear not mother. Twilight does not hate you, but is plagued with problems that get to her…”
“Like being a librarian, all work and no fun makes Twilight a princess.”
“Stop it Discord. But in a strange way he is correct mother she is all work to the point we fear an intervention may be in order. So you see it’s not you or me or even Discord but the fact that the sun is out once more which means more study time for her.” Luna fibbed, not wanting to tell their mother that her new daughter was a loon.
The wolf whined once more but gave Luna a lick on the cheek which caused the alicorn to giggle.
“You’re most welcomed mother. You are the best mother that any one of us could have ever asked for and don’t you believe otherwise. And normally would have to be leaving to make my Court, but it seems dear sister has forgot to lower the sun.” Their mother tilted her at Luna before turning to look outside where the sun was indeed still shining, confused by Luna’s statement. After all, it was her that had re-raised the sun.
“ If I recall Celestia has to be the one to lower the sun and you are but a “normal” wolf, and Discord is “reformed” so he is no longer allowed to touch things that don’t belong to him so…”
“Hurray! We still have time to goof off and spread chaos.” Discord inserted himself into the mother-daughter conversation; the two looked at him and shrugged.
“Why not brother Discord, we still have a little bit before Celestia hears of this. Why not raid the kitchen of sweets and then eat dinner!”
“You’re thinking too small there Luna. You need to think of something bigger, more chaotic in design. Now what if say the Element of Laughter were to catch wind that a certain Sun Princess was, I don’t know… having a birthday coming up but no party?” Luna’s eyes nearly jettison from her head from the thought; the originality and sheer jest factor behind it was just astronomical.
“Discord, we find ourself reluctantly having to agree with your suggestion. To be apart of such a childish jest is enough to fill us with the giddiness of a foal! Mother what say you?”
The wolf barked, wagging its tail in agreement.
