Do You Like Fish or Meat? - Short Stories by Cleverbot

by ThePristineEye

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Mayor Mare, Sweetie Belle, Trixie, Comedy, Rarity, Random
Length: 2818

I was lacking inspiration to write a fanfic, so I asked Cleverbot.

I was lacking inspiration to write a fanfic, so I asked Cleverbot.
http://www.cleverbot.com
----
CH1: Applejack, the farmer/musician/astronaut/cat-pony, learns he true meaning of life as she travels nowhere and learns nothing.
CH2: Rarity wants Spaghetti.
CH3: Mayor Mare organizes a dinner party.
CH4: Evil plans emerge.
CH5: Totally a ship.
CH6: (In the works as of now.)
The random tag is no exaggeration by any means.

Published 2014-02-10 20:20:10 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-24 09:39:36 UTC

About?

It was a dark and stormy morning, Rarity, the second best pony, got out of bed after a very delightful nap and decided to rename her cat Tobias.

“Tobias, from now on your name will be Tobias.” She proclaimed

“My name cannot be Tobias, you've given that name to your sister,” Tobias forewarned.

“Oh ya.” Rarity began looking for her Sons of Anarchy jacket, when she couldn't find it, she decided to eat breakfast. “Tobias! Have you made the breakfast? If you haven’t, make me some spaghetti!”

Tobias wasn't awake to hear this, she dreamt about nothing, since she hadn't slept yet. She was playing Japanese dating simulators and watching Home Improvement.

“I’m a computer,” announced Rarity. “Stop the downloading.”

“I don’t care!” Tobias Belle yelled. Discord suddenly used a crowbar to break through the air vent in her room, clearly he had just found episode three.

“There is no green salamander!” he declared. “And molecules don’t exist!”

“You high?” Tobias asked.

“Still thinking,” Discord responds. “Thinking more, I’m sorry I am too busy at the moment to think properly, please try again later.”

“I knew I should have updated to iOS 7!” she proclaims in frustration.

Rarity knocks on the door to Tobias’s room. “Masturbation! Cumpleaños! Spaghetti!”

“Hush now or you’ll never get the antidote!” Discord threatened.

“Who needs an antidote when you got milk!” Rarity declares.

“Somepony who goes door to door and doesn't know why!” Discord says.

Flash Sentry shed a single tear, his mission to his home planet proved unsuccessful and he had seven minutes before the vacuum of space would kill him, Rarity argued about her breakfast, Tobias wanted to watch more Home Improvement, Discord remained unsatisfied with episode three. Despite all their different motives they all could agree on one thing: Cleverbot is best pony.

Author's Note

Yep, Sweetie Belle's new name is Tobias .
Not apologizing this time, you're the one readin' this crap.

Finnegan

Finnegan

Mayor Mare, the Mayor of Ponyville, returned home from a lightly taxing day at the super market. Her and a good amount of her friends were organizing a dinner party. she flopped onto the couch and flipped to her favorite cartoon: Axe Cop. She felt that recently the episodes were lacking and would redeem themselves eventually.

“Stupid show isn't giving Axe Cop any character development; I’m going to make an angry analysis video about this!” she declared. Suddenly, a phoenix as large as a refrigerator crashed through the roof of her home. The rubble smashed her television remote leaving the channel permanently on Telemundo, unless of course she got up to change the channel; but she was far too lazy to do that.

Before Mayor Mare kicked the phoenix out of her humble abode, she took note of its appearance. Its feathers were as dark as the dead of night and both its wings were broken. As the phoenix laid there in the rubble it began humming the intro music to Doctor Who.

A wild Frank Sinatra came out of her broom closet “I don’t buy into all that internet stuff,” The Frank said. “Take those broken wings and learn to fly.” Suddenly, the jet black phoenix flew away and quickly regretted its decision.

Mayor Mare suddenly fell in love with Frank Sinatra, she’d finally new the meaning of true love. Frank kicked her in the knee. Suddenly his evil brother emerged from the rubble.

“No,” Frank Sinatra’s evil brother proclaimed. He clearly was the good kind of crazy since he was flipping them off and killing a bunch of darkspawn. Frank and his evil twin brother battled it out in the most epic staring contest in the entire universe.

Planets collapsed, stars exploded, paradoxes were created, and old television shows rebooted. In the end, Frank’s evil brother came out victorious. He stood on top of a mountain and yelled incomprehensible nonsense to show his dominance over the world of Equestria.

Mayor Mare and Frank’s evil brother got married and had thirteen African American children. All of them lived happily ever after except the phoenix since nobody liked him.

Nothing

The sun rose and shun through the bedroom window of the infamous PRINCESS CELESTIA. Since the whole “raising the sun” crap was just a scam, she woke up feeling unpleasant and in the mood to blow something up.

“Hey Luna,” Celestia calls out only just realizing Luna was under her bed.

“Yes?” she asked as she climbed out and dusted herself off.

“Can I blow you up?” Celestia says trying on her best puppy eyes.

“Only if you help me find my drilldo,” Luna replies.

“Alright,” Celestia says compliantly. “But you know drunk driving is better than sex right?”

“Yes,” Luna acknowledges. “But the key is on the pink flamingo.”

With little warning a royal guard burst through the door and everyone sighs in relief when they realize it wasn't Flash Sentry

“My dog is died this morning?” the royal guard yells in confusion.

“Yes, but only a little.” Celestia says with little compassion.

“Why?"

“Because when you eat only half a dog he’s only half dead.” Celestia than began to rub her belly from with satisfaction.

“That makes as much sense as composition notebooks!” Luna says as she realized how scientifically inaccurate her sister’s statement was.

None of them knew that Twilight was listening through the walls made of hardtack. And if they did, they’d be file cabinets. Twilight began to devise a sinister plan.

“There can only be one sand, and that sand is pineapple!” Twilight began laughing maniacally for no other reason other than she was probably stoned or something.

“Twilight!” Celestia yelled through the hardtack. “Have you seen Luna’s drilldo?”

“Uh, no!” Twilight swiftly stuffs said drilldo underneath her pillow. Tomorrow, her plans would unfold.

Author's Note

I think I have a full fledged story unfolding.

Me: Hey Cleverbot, are you having fun helping me out?

Cleverbot: No.

Me: Well that's too bad. What would you like to say to our audience?

Cleverbot: Go home.

What should I name my female golden retriever?

Once upon a time, there was a student who became a princess and no pony cared. In fact, they cared so little that life just went on like normal. The only thing that really changed was people giving her the nickname “Eggplant” due to her resemblance to an eggplant. For some odd reason this princess wanted revenge, revenge for what? Nobody knew, and since she was a princess nobody cared.

Her plot for revenge began at Nightmare Moon's bowling alley which was conveniently off exit twenty-seven on Moondrive Avenue (on the moon). This place was popular for their pies, the odd part was they didn't serve pie. The bowling alley was ran by everyone who has ever been banished to the moon in the past fifty years, including but not limited to; various changelings, Celestia’s shadow, a waitress who asked for a tip, and Ray Comfort.

“Three beers please,” Twilight said as she sat on one of the various bar stool.

“We don’t serve beer,” said a changeling who wore the most apathetic expression.

“What do you serve?”

“You should be asking what we don’t serve. Unless it’s Redbull, because Redbull gives you wings.”

“I already have wings.”

“You need more wings!” suddenly, a changeling grabbed her from behind and turned her ninety degrees to the left to be punched in the stomach by Celesta’s shadow.

“Don’t make me shoot dubstep from my eyes!” Twilight warned.

“Don’t be silly small one, the power of the dubstep can only be used by a small handful of Jedi masters,” said Celestia’s shadow.

“I am a Jedi Master!” Twilight eyes began to shoot blinding light that flooded the entire room. Everything began exploding, large canyons began forming on the moon’s surface.

“How much drugs did you take!” a changeling exclaimed as he slowly burned to death.

“Enough to keep me sane!” Twilight said as she pointed her laser eyes toward that changeling specifically so he exploded faster.

Why do white people get all the punchlines! Celestia’s shadow said with her last dying breath.

“You’ll just have to wait 'till season five!” The moon abruptly lacked existence. Twilight’s plans were a success.

Author's Note

This was easily my least favorite chapter, it just didn't have the same level of nonsense as the others.

Well Do Mare?

DISCLAIMER: This has nothing to do with Mare Do Well, I'm not the one who titles this crap.

Large dead animals crashed loudly against the ship's hull. Large waves rocked its content to-and-fro. Today was a dark to to be the captain of the S.S Internet.

Captain Walburger had just removed himself from his sleeping quarters where he had been fighting a ferocious bear stealing his lucky charms. Since he was officially the best noun in existence the bear stood no chance. Walburger casually stretched as if he had just awoken from a pleasant nap.

“Done fighting bears sir?” a nearby shipmate asked.

“No,” the captain looked deep within the horizon as if he was in deep thought. “Deep down inside we’re all fighting evil bears.”

The shipmate joined him, both stared into the horizon looking for answers. “On the subject of the ponies we’re shipping.”

“Is there something wrong?” the captain's patients quickly wore for the shipmate had interrupted his internal monologue narrating himself as the greatest thing in existence.

“One of them is growing lettuce. LOL”

“Lead me to this criminal.”

The shipmate motioned him in the direction of their precious cargo. They shared the boat with an abortion clinic so it wasn't out of the ordinary to have to step over a dead fetus or two every couple of feet. Everyone held little sympathy for them since a string of genetic code revealed they’d grow up saying “swag” and playing Call of Duty excessively.

Passing many things that would make any sane man question his existence, they began approaching the lower decks.

“What’s that sound?” The captain explicitly heard a loud slapping noise emanating from their destination.

“It’s a sad fap sir.” The shipmate elaborated.

“What?”

“Well, half the crew is shamefully jerking of to the ponies we’re shipping.”

“And the other half?”

“Same thing, just without the shame.”

“So who’s sailing the ship?”

“Child molesters,” the shipmate’s elaboration really cleared up a few things the captain had on his mind since he’d never once touched the wheel of this cruiser.

They stopped in their tracks at a door labeled: Beware of Piñatas. A brigade of odd slapping noises emitted from the door.

“If I were Cleverbot, I’d almost be surprised.” The captain kicked the door causing It to fly off its hinges revealing an empty room, besides the various caged candy colored ponies of course.

“Where are all the crewmates?” Walburger asked in confusion.

“They’re dead yet their fap lives on.” The shipmate switched on his proton pack fearing the worst. This explanation didn't surprise the captain for he has had first-hand experience of this anomaly at his grandma’s funeral.

“Which one of you is growing organics in the bowels of my ship?” The captain yelled angrily. A young filly by the name Applebloom raised her left hoof to confess her crimes.

“Thou shall not grow vegetables ‘til the moon shines through thy window!” Like any sensible tyrant would do, he cracked a whip to strike fear into his prisoners.

With these ludicrous rules in place, no pony was able to farm. Since these rules were made by the royal sisters themselves, they were quickly assassinated and replaced with Morgan Freeman, thus beginning a war that no pony would soon forget.

Author's Note

Longest chapter and is one of the weirdest. I'm slowly learning a pattern I can use to make these short stories make more sense.

Mistake

It was a beautiful day just like any other. Applejack, a young mare aspiring to be a cook, was walking her dog when suddenly she struck a conversation with a man about an unhappy internet robot.

Of course, this man’s name was Ocean, he was very good at cartwheels and nobody knew his occupation and nobody cared. A mare in a dark trench-coat approached the two, and to their surprise it was Trixie: the Great and Powerful.

“Are you hitting on me?” Trixie asked.

Applejack didn't know how to respond to this. Suddenly, she saw everything.

“Rain,” Trixie replied.

“The vampire watches anime and the werewolf hides!” exclaimed Applejack in her defense.

Trixie was frightened by this and ran away. Before she disappeared into the horizon, she turned around and asked, “On the playground?”

Applejack decided to brush this off, so she went into a Denny’s. Santa Claus was there.

“What would you like for Christmas?” Santa asked.

“It’s not Christmas!” Applejack ran away in utter horror. And of course, since she was also a talented musician, she didn't just run away, she ran around the world. As she sat on the plane of destiny she chatted with some musicians next to her.

“What do you think of Twilight being a princess now?” Vinyl asked.

“It’s good,” responded Applejack for she clearly had too many on flight drinks.

“Send me the picture,” said Octavia, also clearly also having too many on flight drinks.

The joyous plane ride couldn't last forever. the plane landed nowhere. There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with her name out.

“I don’t know,” said the cop looking dude.

Applejack simply looked at the cop and said nothing.

“Just go with it dude,” said the cop looking dude.

Suddenly they both were locked into a kiss. Then, Chuck Norris did a roundhouse kick in space.

“You are my Master,” said the cop. “If that is what you wish so be it.” And suddenly the cop burst into an angry jog and went back to his home planet for he was secretly Flash Sentry.

Applejack threw her newly grown hands into the air and screamed in agony.

Author's Note

I'm sorry.

Exploding Chainsaw

The sun was just about to set over Manehattan. Scootaloo, a time traveling bathmat salespony, was snacking on a cheap burger at her local Carl's Jr. Admittedly it tasted somewhat bland and had far too much barbeque sauce, but she wasn't going to throw something away like her parents did all those years ago.

No.

She was going to enjoy the damn burger whether or not she liked it.

A rather inebriated looking fellow had sat in a chair adjacent to her. “Hey, is it just me, or does that bun, like, totally look like Jesus?”

Scootaloo despite her skepticism looked down at the bun atop her burger. Nothing was immediately apparent but the sesame seeds sprinkled evenly across the well baked bread.

“Who's Jesus?” Scootaloo asked

“You know, my roommate. He's like, an immigrant or something.” The drunken pony looked quickly to his left, than to his right. He then pulled Scootaloo in by the collar and began to speak in a hushed tone. “Look man, I didn't come here to speak about your Jesus buns. You see that pill on the ground.?” He shifted his gaze to the ground left of him and then back to Scootaloo.

Scootaloo looked to the floor to her right. There was in fact a completely negligible blue pill on the ground. “Yeah, what about it?”

“Why haven't you taken it yet?”

“W-What do you mean?”

“I mean, Why haven't eaten the floor pill yet?”

“Because I… don't eat things off the floor?”

“So you're saying…. If you saw a Lobster dinner on the floor you wouldn't eat it?”

“No, probably not.”

The pony seemed flabbergasted. “But, but the pill could be anything! It could be an antacid tablet, it could be ecstasy, better yet, it could be Viagra!”

“Well I'm female, so Viagra doesn't really have a use. Plus, I'm a kid or something.”

“Good point.” The pony seemed content with her answer and let go of her collar yet still seemed a little irked. “I suppose I should take it or else the mystery will never be solved.”

The pony got out of his seat and stamped the pill with a hoof crushing it into a fine powder. Nose first, he dived into the blue mess on the ground and gave one spectacular snort capturing even a stray fry that was nearby. Unfortunately the pill wasn't ecstasy, or even Viagra, it was an odd mixture of Benedryl and arsenic. Being arsenic, it killed him almost instantly which brings the question what the benedryl was for.

Scootaloo was not surprised and went on eating her burger.

Author's Note

I found this sitting in a file and figured I'd post it. If I don't add anything to this in the next two months i'll just label it complete.