Love Stinks

by Infinite Evil

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Spike, Sex
Length: 3384

Twilight tries to figure out what to do on Hearts and Hooves day.

February 14. For some, it is one of most romantic days of the year as couples go out and experience a day of close bonding and romance.

For Twilight Sparkle, it's just another Friday. Except for the fact that all her friends are doing things related to this holiday. She decides to check up on what they are doing.

Published 2014-08-12 23:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-12 23:50:01 UTC

Yeah yeah... love stinks.

“Uh huh. Oh! This is something new!” Twilight said, focusing her attention to the third book in front of her.

Twilight wasn’t in her library. Well, she was in a library, but it was a radically different than the one she called home. This library was in reality just a small room, but it contained infinitely more books than the one back in Ponyville. The room itself was composed of two bookshelves on the left and right and a desk at the end of the room opposite to the door. However, the ceiling was ridiculously high to the point where you only saw darkness past a certain height and the bookshelves were just as high.

Twilight sat on a chair, continuing her study of the infinite amount of books available to her at her disposal. Her only real source of light were the lanterns put at each corner of the room, which didn’t really light up the room a lot, but it was enough light for Twilight to continue in her research.

Right now, Twilight wasn’t actually doing research on a simple one topic. No no no, she was studying using one of her favorite methods. This method involved picking a random book and studying it, regardless of subject. This was a method she used whenever she was happy, sad, bored, angry, or any emotion really. As long as she didn’t have to do concise research of one topic, she built up her mass bank of knowledge with this method.

Just as Twilight used her levitation magic and picked the 45th random book of the day, the door burst open. Twilight was startled by this random burst, dropping the levitated book and immediately turning around. The sudden flood of light from the outside world forced Twilight to put a hoof to her eyes as the brightness burned her eyes. After a few seconds, her eyes managed to adjust to the light and she stopped blocking her eyes.

Twilight couldn’t tell who it was that opened the door. She could obviously see that it was one of the guards, but her eyes still hadn’t completed adjusted so she could clearly see. It was just a light outline with even more white brightness surrounding it.

After what seemed like an eternity, her eyes finally fully adjusted to the light and see could clearly see it who opened the door. She recognized who it was.

The guard who had opened the door wore the standard gold colored plate armor that all of the guards wore, but from his orange coat and his blue mane, Twilight immediately know who he was.

“Flash Sentry? What are you doing here?” Twilight asked.

Flash turned his head to side awkwardly before turning back to Twilight and responding, “Um, well, I wanted to ask you something.”

Twilight turned her body a bit to try and get in a more comfortable position. “What is it?” she asked.

Flash looked at the ground for a bit before looking back up at Twilight. “I can do this,” he said to himself. He stood up straight and, with a more confident attitude, said, “I want to ask you something.”

“Yes?”

“Well, um,” Flash’s confidence was deflating a bit but he kept on going. “I wanted to know if…”

“Yes?”

“If you ever wanted to, um…”

“Yes?”

“If you ever wanted to um, you know…”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I wanted to know if you would like to-”

Flash never got to finish his sentence. In that exact moment, a giant meteor came out of nowhere and crushed him. Twilight was at first shocked at the random meteor but after quickly recovering from the shock, looked at it in horror. She just saw a pony get crushed to death and the worst part about it was the fact that said pony was probably going to ask her out on a date.

Just as Twilight was about to do something, she heard a loud ringing. It didn’t seem that it was coming from just one source, as the ringing surrounded the room, getting louder and louder. Twilight covered her ears, trying to block out the abominable ringing that came from all directions. She looked up, only to find yet another thing to add to her horror.

For a short few seconds, she saw another giant meteor coming down from the ceiling on top of her at a concerningly massive speed. The only thought she managed to think before it crushed her was ‘At least I finished that book about government. Wait, that’s utterly useless to me. Oh come o-’.

Twilight opened her eyes and sprung out of bed. She looked around and after realizing that it had only been a dream, sighed.

“That was one weird dream,” she remarked before turning to the alarm clock that had woken her up, woken her in a violent way, and turning off the alarm with her magic. After the obnoxious ringing of the alarm had ended, she checked the time on the clock. It told her that it was 7:30.

“Oh no! I overslept!” Twilight jumped out of her bed and rushed downstairs to the bathroom. She had no time to waste, so in an effort to save time, she turned on the shower, took her toothbrush and put some toothpaste on it, and using some magic, brushed her teeth while she scrubbed herself head to hoof. After finishing her very quick shower, she threw the toothbrush back into it’s original spot. It missed completely and landed in the trash, but Twilight had no time to care about future oral hygiene and she simply got out of the shower and dried herself. She had no time to hair drying and had to go with the old fashioned method of shaking her body to get rid of the water that was left on it. She ran out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, telling herself that Spike was going to clean the bathroom anyways today and a little water all over it shouldn’t too much more work.

Twilight didn’t have time to make a nutritious breakfast and instead grabbed one of the many boxes of cereal from the cupboards and, after grabbing a bowl and some milk, poured herself some breakfast. She didn’t have time for spoons, so she dunked her face into the cereal and ate it that way.

After finishing the cereal, Twilight threw the bowl into the sink. She didn’t have time to concern herself with the sound of the glass bowl breaking nor the giant mess of milk she left behind to go and clean it up herself. Again, Spike was supposed to do all that crap.

Twilight raced to the center of the library and allowed herself to calm down, letting out a sigh.

“Ha! I managed to take a shower, brush my teeth and eat breakfast without being late!” Twilight smiled triumphantly, milk still dripping from her face. She checked the nearest clock to congratulate herself on this achievement.

9:30. So much for that achievement.

“What?!?!” Twilight exclaimed. “But I sped through everything though. How could it possibly be 9:30? That’s like two hours after I woke up!”

“Yeah, but you didn’t speed through everything though.”

Twilight turned to the source of the cynicism and found that it was her assistant Spike.

“What do you mean, ‘you didn’t speed through everything though’?” She asked, slightly annoyed.

“I mean, first you spent an hour in the shower.”

“I didn’t spend an hour in the shower.”

“Uh yeah. You did.”

Twilight did remember that she did spend an awful long time in there and she was singing the entire album of Pony A, complete with psychedelic noises and weird lyrics. She still didn’t understand what it meant, but she loved it.

Twilight partially accepted Spike’s accusation. “So maybe I did spend an hour in the shower. But can you explain the second hour? Huh?!” She thrust her head forward in a threatening manner.

“Oh that. That’s easy. You lost your breath trying to eat that cereal and fell unconscious. I spent the good half of an hour saving you,” Spike then said, stressing how unappreciated it was, “You’re welcome, by the way.”

Spike continued, “Anyways, when I managed to get you back to the land of the living, you just went back to eating that cereal and then threw the bowl away!”

Spike opened his arms, “And thus, here were are right now.”

Twilight had been listening to every word the dragon was saying. She would have absorbed what he was saying and maybe even thanked him for saving her life. However, she couldn’t stop viewing him as useless and simply shrugged off everything he had said.

“Whatever.” Twilight then realized something. “Maybe I can still salvage the day,”she announced as she ran for her day planner.

Twilight never remembered anything that wasn’t in a book. That’s why she forgot about her brother’s wedding or the fact that her brother existed to begin with. She had to keep things written down so they would stick in her mind. However, unless it was useless facts about monarchy and other science stuff no one cared about, she couldn’t explicitly remember it at the drop of a hat.

She reached her desk and opened one of the drawers. She put a hoof in it and after searching through an ungodly sea of papers full of her failed attempts to write porn, she pulled out a small book with a leather cover. She closed the drawer full of the incomplete smut, putting her book on the desk and opening it, scanning the pages for the day. She didn’t have to go too far into the book as it turned out that it was February.

After flipping through a few of the pages, she found the current week and read that today was Friday. There was nothing written on that day, so it seemed that she had planned nothing for today.

“Oh! Spike, it’s Friday today!”

Spike simply stood there. “Yes Twilight. I know today’s Friday. Just like how I knew yesterday was Thursday and the day before that was Wednesday and so on.”

Twilight’s expression brightened up at her discovery. “And it appears that I have nothing planned. Looks like I freaked out about nothing.” Twilight made a few soft chuckles, trying to lighten the mood. Spike’s face of disapproval remained unchanged.

Twilight focused back on her planner, wanting to make sure that she had nothing to do on Saturday. She didn’t have anything planned for the next day, but that wasn’t what caught her attention. The read what day of February today was. It was the 14th.

Twilight groaned in annoyance. “Great. Today’s the 14th. The most useless day in the whole year!”

“What about-”

“Oh that’s right! Your birthday! That makes this the second most useless day of the year!” Twilight said, slightly more content as that fact returned to her brain.

Spike scowled at Twilight’s response. “Love you too Twilight.”

Twilight closed her day planner and turned around, facing Spike.

“I suppose that the only logical thing to do is to stay here all day,” Twilight said, giving another smile on her wet face.

Spike’s eyes grew large in shock at her announcement. He wasn’t going to have more of her crap today.

“Hell no!” Spike exclaimed.

Twilight broke her smile, looking at Spike with a confused look. However, before she could say anything, Spike had started pushing her out and before she even knew it, she was out the door. Spike rushed back in at a speed that challenged Rainbow Dash and locked the door, windows and even the bookshelf. Twilight could do things with those books and he didn’t want to risk it.

It took Twilight a little bit to recover from what just happened. Fortunately, Spike kicked her out often, so she was used to it. She was kicked enough often to also know that there was no way back in, and she has tried to get back in. If she wanted to rob her own library, she could and could even frame someone else and escape with no one being the wiser.

Twilight finally decided to just walk away and see what was going on in town. Unfortunately, what she saw repulsed her almost immediately.

The entire town was covered in decorations. Red and pink hearts were all over the place, the scent of mint and chocolate could be smelled from anywhere, and pairs of ponies were walking together and bonding.

Twilight nearly stabbed her eyes out from all the romance that was happening in front of her. It was very tempting to do so, but then she remembered that maybe her friends were in the same situation as her. Maybe they also had nothing to do on this day full of romance and maybe, just maybe, she could go grab one of them and go out to do something on this day of romantic bonding. It’d be just the two of them.

Twilight imagined all of this and realized that she had to go and see if one of her friends was free today. She knew what she would do once she found one that was free.

She would do some bro bonding with her.

And thus, Twilight set off to see if one of her friends was free to do bro things with.

The first stop she went to was Sugarcube Corner. The exterior didn’t look too much different compared to the rest of Ponyville. The only real difference was probably that there were some decorations on it and it looked even more pink than usual. The interior was a different story.

Twilight walked into Sugarcube Corner and nearly vomited. The whole place was covered in red decorations. Red hearts, red streamers, red cupcakes, red everything! The pink decorations didn’t bother Twilight as much since there was so much pink in Equestria for some unknown reason that her eyes have simply adjusted to the pink and drained the color out. She couldn’t tell the color pink at all, but red was a different story. The addition of red to the mix made it clear that this was decorated for this certain day.

Twilight managed to keep the contents of her stomach inside of herself and starting looking for Pinkie Pie. She didn’t have to go very far to find her friend.

Pinkie was standing on a stool, putting up some more godforsaken red decorations. Twilight called out to her.

“Hey Pinkie!”

Pinkie turned her head around and saw that Twilight was in the room. She hopped down from the stool and bounced over to Twilight.

“Twilight! I’m glad to see you today!” Pinkie pulled Twilight into a hug. An uncomfortably tight hug.

“Me too…” Twilight barely said as the hug was slowly crushing her lungs.

Fortunately, Pinkie ended the hug and let Twilight go from her death choke.

“Do you like what I did with the place?” Pinkie asked, smiling as she showed off her handiwork.

Twilight had to keep from vomiting yet again. “It’s, uh, nice,” she lied. “Very festive.”

Pinkie was oblivious to Twilight’s hesitation. “Thanks. I worked hard on it. Can’t have a party without decorations!”

“A party?” Twilight asked.

“Yep! Today’s a very special day for ponies everywhere and I want to throw them all a very special party!” Pinkie said as she sauntered over to fix up some more decorations.

“Your parties are always something special Pinkie.”

Pinkie was fixing up some more decorations. “I try.”

Twilight started thinking that maybe she should stay for Pinkie’s party. It’d be guaranteed fun, as it was one of Pinkie’s parties, and maybe she could do some bro bonding with Pinkie. There was no reason why she wasn’t a suitable choice.

Twilight was about to tell Pinkie about staying at her party until the following changed her mind about the idea.

“Hey Twilight?”

Twilight brought her attention back to Pinkie.

“Yes Pinkie?”

“Could you bring that box over to that table?” Pinkie asked, pointing a hoof to the table before returning to the decorations.

“Sure thing.” Twilight went over and found the box Pinkie pointed at. The box was open and Twilight saw what was inside.

The box was filled to the brim with what appeared to be candy. The candy was in the shape of incredibly short cylinders, the size of a normal sugar candy. The candies were in various colors and had some symbols etched into them. One of those symbols were the letters ‘MDMA’.

Twilight didn’t pay much attention to what the candies had written on them and simply picked it up with her magic and set it on the table. Twilight was about to ask if she could help Pinkie with anything else when another pony entered Sugarcube Corner.

The pony in question was a stallion and he had a green coat with a brown mane, a goatee to fit, and he was wearing glasses.

“Hey Pinkie!” he announced. He looked around and saw that he was the only guy there.
“Am I the first one here?”

Pinkie looked away from the decorations and focused her attention on him. “Yep. Unless Twilight’s joining, then you’re the first!”

Pinkie walked over to the stallion and asked in a serious tone, “You’re clean, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am! Wait,” he paused to think for a second. “Uh sure. I’m clean.”

Pinkie looked over the stallion, analyzing his face to see if he was lying. After affirming her suspicion, she returned to her happy mood and with a smile, said to him, “Okie dokie then.” Pinkie returned to her decorations.

The stallion sighed in relief. He looked towards the box full of candy and asked, “Is that where the stuff is?”

“Yep,” Pinkie replied. “Help yourself.”

The stallion trotted over and grabbed a hoofful of the things and munched all of them down. He looked over to Twilight.

“You want any?” he asked.

“Nah. I’m good,” Twilight replied.

“Are you sure?” He grabbed another hoofful and offered them to Twilight. “They’re tasty…”

“Again, no thank you.”

The stallion looked at her in a confused manner before accepting that she denied the treats. “More for me then,” he said before munching yet another hoofful of treats. The stallion turned to Pinkie and asked, “When is everyone else getting here?”

“They’ll be here soon.”

“I hope so. The ecstasy's kicking in and I want to fully utilize it.”

Twilight turned sharply to the stallion. “Wait, what did you just say?”

The stallion turned to Twilight. “The ecstasy. I want to fully utilize it before it wears off.”

“Why would you be on ecstasy right now?”

“You do know that that’s ecstasy, right?” he said, pointing a hoof toward the candies.

Twilight was only getting more and more confused. Twilight was going to ask Pinkie what was going on when several more ponies entered the room. A couple of mares and some more stallions entered, one of them clearly very excited.

“Hell yeah! Let’s get the party started! I don’t have all day!”

As Pinkie went over and greeted them, Twilight started putting two and two together. For once, they did not equal five and instead she realized something. Something that would be very bad to overlook.

As the ponies were finished being greeted by Pinkie, they started walking over to the box of candies. Twilight went over to Pinkie and said, “Uh Pinkie?”

Pinkie moved her attention back on Twilight. “Oh that’s right! Silly me. Are you going to be joining us?”

“What exactly are you guys going to be doing?”

The very excited pony answered from the box. “Why, only one of the greatest pastimes in history. I can’t wait to bang all those mares!”

That confirmed Twilight’s suspicions. Twilight started briskly walking towards the door. She could hear Pinkie asking her something.

“Wait, Twilight! Aren’t you going to join us? It’ll be a lot of fun!”

Twilight didn’t look back. “Uh, that’s okay,” she answered awkwardly. “I have other things to do. You guys have fun without me!” Twilight walked out the door and didn’t look back.

She could hear the party beginning and she walked as far away as possible.