Texas Hold 'em (And Other Various Adventures) With The Humans of Equestria

by Master Lyra

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 5550

A story with the wacky adventures of all our favorite Humans from Equestria.

What would happen if all the Humans of Equestria came together for a game of poker? What would happen if they all went to the mall?
Shenanigans.
(This is heavily dialogue based, so be warned. It will be clear who is talking, though. If you don't really know these characters, then you probably will not get the references I make. I asked all the authors' permission for use of their character.)
Special thanks to Glassed for his pre-reading abilities!
Cast includes:
My Second Life's Coal!
Another Chance at Life's Kyle!
Le Retour and How Did I Get Here's Kyle Bucy! (He will be referred to this with this name.)
Equestria's First Human's Connor!
Trip Of A Lifetime's Josh!
Human's Second!
MPPT3000's Author!
Into A New World's Fiery!
With special guests:
Through The Eyes Of Another Pony's Firewall! (In The Shopping.)
Not the Afterlife I Signed Up For's Isaac! (In The Shopping.)

Published 2012-03-24 20:54:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-27 22:28:04 UTC

The Game.

“Ante’s five bits.”

The eight figures pushed five bits into the pot, waiting for their cards. Small conversation was made.

“Second?”

“Yeah Connor?”

“How’s…the taking over the world thing going?”

“Hmm…good enough I suppose. I think it could be better. The Elements of Harmony making a bit of a problem, you know.”

“…I see. Still kind of a jerk move though. Taking over the world is kind of…storybook.”

“…”

“Harmony got your tongue, Second?” A different voice chimed in.

“Shut up Josh. That wasn’t even funny.”

The momentary bickering was stopped when the first hand was dealt. Everyone looked at their cards, with varying reactions.

“Josh, you’re wearing a bad poker face.”

“Kyle…you’re such a freakin’ nerd.”

“What?” Someone else asked.

“No no no… not you Kyle… the Kyle who’s a brony.”

“Umm… that’s me too…”

“Erm… the Kyle who has an affair with Rainbow Dash.”

“Umm…”

“GRAH! Never mind! You know what I mean-“

“OBJECTION! No I don’t. But I do see something else; you’re clearly the killer!”

“What?!”

(Listen to this)

“It’s obvious! You’ve got no alibi! And I have all the proof I need!” Kyle Bucy produced a stack of papers and pointed at it pointedly. It was obviously blank.

“Kyle?! What the hell are you talking about?!”

Kyle Bucy shook his head. “You don’t see? I’ve got you cornered! Give it up, Josh Schwartz! Or should I say: Joshy boy?!”

Josh was shaking. “How…how did you know that nickname?”

Kyle Bucy slammed his hands on the table and pointed at Josh. “I have a witness of the murder! I call-“

Kyle’s papers were set on fire suddenly. He dropped then and hopped around savoring his burned hand. All eyes turned to a unicorn.

“Heh. Can we play poker now? I can’t listen to crap all night.”

“Fiery… you’re right. Let’s play.” Second smirked. “I was fed up too.”

The dealer sighed and shook his head. “Connor starts the bet.”

“Seven bits.” The man said as he put in his bet.

*cough*pussy *cough*

“Okay, who said that?!” Connor demanded.

“Fiery.” Everyone with a brain and a set of ears said. So this excluded Author.

“Wow. Thanks for ratting me out guys. I *belch* do sooooooooooooo much fer you guys an’ what do I get? Nothin’. Absolutely-“ He fell over with a thump. He was clearly drunk off his ass.

“Damn. Can we get a clean-up on Aisle 6?” Kyle said like a clerk at a store. The dealer sighed again (not a good habit) and went over to the drunken pony. He dragged his sorry ass to a couch, laid him there, and returned to his seat.

“Okay, now that that’s done… your bet Second.”

“Of course Coal. I see your seven bits and raise it twenty-three, for a total of thirty bits.”

“High rolla!” Someone piped in.

“Author… just go write a story or something…”

Author: I already am.

“Wh-who said that?” Kyle Bucy asked.

Author: I am legion, for we are many.

“He’s using the speaker, guys.” Kyle unplugged the speaker.

“Shoot. FOILED AGAIN! I would have gotten away with it to if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”
Author said in a mock-adult voice.

“Author, sit down, and play poker or I’ll get Coal to make you.” Second warned rather non-menacingly. Using someone else as a threat works like that.

“…okay.” Author sat back down, crestfallen.

“Um… Kyle your bet.”

“BRILLIANT! Let’s do this; LEEEEEEEROOOOYYYY JJJEEEENNNKINS…all in!”

“All in?!” Everyone asked disbelievingly.

“All in.” He leaned back in his chair. “Dis gon’ be good.”

With renewed determination, everyone looked at their hands.

“How many bits is that, Kyle?” Coal asked.

“Two hundred my dear fellow.”

“Whoa. Okay then. Your bet Kyle Bucy.”

“Hmm… I fold.” He gave in his cards. “I’m going to get something to drink.”

And with that, Kyle Bucy left the game.

“Alright then. Josh, your bet.” Coal stated.

“Ugh…” He looked at his cards nervously. “Um… CLIFF!”

“What?”

Josh jumped out the window.

“Hm. Must have cracked under the pressure.” Second observed.

Coal sighed and left the room after Josh. The break had begun.

“So…Connor…how’s life?” Kyle asked casually.

“Oh? Fine…fine.”

“… So how’s Fluttersh-“

“I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON HER! NO WAY NO HOW!”

“…okay? I’m glad I asked…”

Kyle awkwardly walked away from the nervous wreck. He looked at his conversation options: Second, the depressed Author, and the snoozing Fiery. He decided to just sit and wait.

Second looked mischievously at the unplugged stereo. He sneakily plugged it back in and picked up the microphone that was attached to it.

Heh heh heh.

He tapped the microphone.

“Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin’ slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride like Three 6
Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6”

Everyone who remained looked disbelievingly at the jamming Second. Connor groaned.

“Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6

Hell Yea
Drink it up, drink-drink it up,
When sober girls around me, they be actin’ like they drunk
They be actin’ like they drunk, actin-actin like they drunk
When sober girls around me they be actin’ like they drunk”

Despite the circumstances, Second was actually pretty dope on the mic.

Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6
Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6

By now Coal had returned with Josh (who looked pretty beat up) and was giving the oblivious Second a blank stare.

Hell Yea
Drink it up, drink-drink it up,
When sober girls around me, they be actin’ like they drunk
They be actin’ like they drunk, actin-actin like they drunk
When sober girls around me they be actin’ like they drunk

Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6
Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6

Kyle and Author joined in. Somehow rave lights shined across the room.

It’s that eight-o’eight bump, make you put yo hands up
Make you put yo hands up, put put yo, put yo hands up
It’s that eight-o’eight bump, make you put yo hands up
Make you put yo hands up, put yo, put yo hands up
Hell Yea, make you put yo hands up
Make you put yo hands up, put put yo, put yo hands up
Hell Yea, make you put yo hands up
Make you put yo hands up, put yo, put yo hands up

Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, in my ride, like Three 6
Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6”

“…”

Second sat down and looked at his cards.

“Come on. Let’s play.”

Everyone just stared for a second, shrugged, and sat down. They had all seen worse.

Somehow Fiery was still asleep and Josh had passed out.

“Umm…I call the bet.” Coal said, pushing in his two hundred bits. “And Josh and Fiery fold automatically.”

“I call it too.” Author said, now more confident due to his performance.

“Erm…I need to go to do um… something that doesn’t involve Fluttershy… I fold…” Connor said as he left, half running.

“Okay. Second?” Coal asked.

“I call.” Second stated.

“The flop.” Coal showed the flop. It was an ace of spades, a two of diamonds, and a king of hearts.

“Damn. That’s awful.” Kyle commented, now re-looking at his cards.

“Your bet Second.”

“Hmm… I check in favor of Kyle.”

“Okay. Kyle can’t bet… so Author?”

Author: What a 4th wall breaker.

“Author… stop.” Coal growled.

“What?” I’m just sitting here.”

They looked and sure enough, Author was sitting there without the microphone.

“Then…who was that?” Author asked, quite scared. The microphone was unplugged, probably yanked out during Second’s song.

“I’ve heard weirder things than that from Pinkie. Let’s just go… Author?” Coal shrugged.

“Hmm… I check also.”

“Alright. I-“

”OH NO! AN EVIL DEMON IS TRYING TO KILL US ALL! WE NEED SOME HELP!”

Coal sighed and put down his cards. “I guess I’ll go take care of that. Make sure Fluffy gets her food if I don’t come back.” He picked up his giant sword, and looked it over. “It could be worse. It could be spewing lasers out its-“

“OH DEAR GOD! IT’S SHOOTING LASERS OUT ITS EYES! AND I THINK IT JUST ATE SOME KID! OH SWEET JESUS! NOW IT’S LITERALLY CRAPPING OUT BOMBS! HELP!”

Coal just sighed and left the room, crying a little on the inside.

“Wow. What a soldier.” Author commented.

“That’s because for us it’s a giant laser shooting demon who craps bombs, but to him it’s Tuesday.” Second theorized.

“…probably.”

“I’ll deal.” Kyle said as he picked up the deck. Only Second, Kyle and Author remained.

“The turn”

It revealed a three of diamonds.

“Heh. Three diamonds. Like Rarity’s flank. Heh.” Kyle commented, chuckling like a forever alone teenager.

“I check again.” Second knocked on the table nonchalantly.

“Me too.” Author and Kyle said at the same time. They shared a look then looked away feeling weird.

“Okie dokie lokie… awkward penguin… the river.” Kyle stuttered. He flipped over the last card: a queen of clubs.

“Is that… a straight?!” Second asked, thoroughly flabbergasted. The whole thing showed an ace
of spades, a two of diamonds, a king of hearts, a three of hearts, and a queen of diamonds.

“Nope! Chuck Testa! The ace can’t be used high and low.” Kyle explained.

“I see.”

“Second?”

“I check again.”

“I check also. Author?”

“Mhm.”

Things were tense. A total of six hundred and forty bits were on the line. Even Kyle and Author didn’t crack a joke.

“Author. You show.” Kyle ordered.

“What?! Why me?”

“I dunno. Just do it.”

Author hesitantly flipped over his cards to reveal two aces.

“DAYUM GIRLLL! That’s a good hand!” Kyle commented.

“Heheheheh. HAHAHAHAHAH!” Second bellowed.

“Um… you okay bro?” Author was a little hesitant to say anything after his little outburst.

“Yep. I just won six hundred bits biatch!” Second flipped his hand over to show he had a four and five.That made a low straight.

“I’ll be taking all this, thank you.” Second scooped up the money.

Suddenly, Kyle Bucy burst out of the bathroom. “Oh gawd that stinks… I mean OBJECTION!”

Second stopped, surprised.

“You have yet to see Kyle’s hand! He could have a better hand!”

“What? No he couldn’t…unless...” Second’s eyes widened. “NO! HE COULDN”T HAVE-“

“A royal straight.” Both Kyles said in unison, while Kyle flipped over his cards to show a jack and a ten.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I NEVER WIN ANYTHING!!!” Second cried, while running out the door.

“I told you that this was gon’ be good.” Kyle said, high fiving Kyle Bucy.

Suddenly, the whole house toppled over. The three looked at the giant demon standing there, screaming and firing lasers and pooping bombs.

“I’ll go check on Fluffy.” Kyle said, already running.

Your questions answered.

Hello bronies. You asked, and I will answer. And for teh lolz, I'm putting my reactions as pictures.
LET'S DO THIS.

fenril asked:
did you choose them based off of them being the more popular HiE stories?

and why not the dad my MLD?

A:

What an interesting question. I choose them, yes, because of popularity, but also because I had read them. I needed to feel like I knew the character. Preeety simple.
And MLD? Well... I don't think he could have contributed anything humorous. He's a pretty stereotypical sad guy. He seems like he would just bring the mood down.
And I didn't choose him because I didn't really think about him.
NEXT QUESTION:

fenril asked (again):
what other humans didnt make the cut?
A:

How...what? You read my mind son. There are three humans who didn't make the cut.
Connie Hayden from Butterscotch's Adventures in Equestria was one.
Why? Well, I sent every author a message asking them if I could use their character. And most replied.
Except one: butterscotchsundae
That's that.
Another was Isaac from Not the Afterlife I Signed Up For.
Why? I just...totally forgot about him. =P
The last was Derp. Oh Derp.
Well you see, this story was going to be a lot different. Al the humans were meeting to put an end to the bad HiE stories. Derp was sort of their inside knowledge.
See? It was kind of dumb and not very funny. So I changed it. And that's who was cut.
ON TO THE NEXT:

Ugh. Tyrannosaurus_Tux asked:
How bout that multi-dimensional society, then?

After all, there is only one internet for all the dimensions
A:

Duh.
It's inside a trash can.
NEXT ONE:

zinitradd asked:
Was the part where Connor called Second's goals "storybook" a reference to the fact that Second is aware of being trapped in a story? And did Connor know about that when he said it?

A:

Well...I would like to say yes but...
Nah. I really didn't think of that.
But in the original I did...
NEXT!

Tailslover13 asked:
How did you think up this initial idea? What was going through your mind and how did it come to this type of interesting conclusion?

A:

All I know is that I have a crazy imagination...
And I wasn't doing drugs.
I CONCUR!

Poodicus asked:
How did all the humans come together? How do they all know each other?

A:

It doesn't really matter...
But...
I guess they met at a bar? In Ponyville? By some freak dimensional portal?
Meh.
BLARGH:

fenril asked (again)[again]:
will they ever finish their poker game? will they defeat the bomb crapping monster?

will the author write another story to find out?

A:

Perhaps...
LAST ONE:

Tyrannosaurus_Tux asked (again):
What if these stories are all true

But we're the unwitting gods of them?

A:

The Shopping.

“Guys, does this make my butt look big?”

Everyone, including two ponies, shared a look. They looked at Author.

“Eeeyup.”

GOING TO THE MALL WITH THE HUMANS OF EQUESTRIA

By Mister Fluttershy

“So… what do we need to buy?” Kyle asked, looking at the guys in front of him.

Coal looked at Fiery. “Well… I need to go get my sword sharpened, and buy perfume for the girls. I imagine Fiery does too.” Fiery opened his mouth, but was interrupted.

“I SAID- Fiery needs to too.”

Fiery closed his mouth.

Kyle looked at Author.

“Me and Author want to go looking for clothe-“

“GAYYYYYYYYYYY!”

“SHUT UP JOSH! NO. ONE. LIKES. YOU.”

“Naw it’s fine Second. He’ll be forever alone… forever.”

Josh grumbled, feeling a strange sense of déjà vu.

Kyle looked at Kyle Bucy and Connor.

“I think they’re going to buy music.”

“Oh! So am I!”

“Second, did you just squeal?”

“Umm… no?”

“Hey guys, what time is it?”

“Uhh… IDK.”

“… did you really just say IDK?”

“Eeyup.”

“Ugh.”

Kyle looked at Josh, who had not yet announced what he was doing.

“Josh?”

“I’m hungry. I’m gonna go eat.”

“Josh, Y U SO FAT?”

“I’m not fat!”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“… fuck you.”

Josh ran off.

“He’s so obese.” Kyle observed.

“Mhm.” Second agreed.

“Alright. Let’s go shop…”

AUTHOR +

KYLE

“Ooh! Let’s go in this one!”

“Ugh Author… you’re like a kid in a candy store…”

“Ooh! How does this look on me?”

“That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever seen you in since we met… and you’ve tried on a tutu.”

Author leaned into Kyle.

“I thought we agreed never to speak of that!”

“Still gay, so much so my Saiyan pride is slowly fading…”

“Well… you’re a homophobe!”

“Only gay people say that.”

“… shut up!”

“Anyway, take that off. Do you like this red hoodie?”

“…*sniff*”

“Author… are you crying?!”

“…no…*sniff*”

JOSH

“Where the fuck is the food court?”

KYLE BUCY +

CONNOR +

SECOND

“What music do you guys like to listen to?”

“I like metal.”

“What about you Second?”

“Meh. Something I can sing to.”

“And you Kyle?”

“I like Dubstep.”

“What?! Metal’s waaay better.”

“Dubstep!”

“Metal!”

“DUBSTEP!”

“I SAID, METAL!”

A song starts playing. A very [url= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPJKuygePHk&feature=related]recognizable song. Connor looks Kyle Bucy in the eyes, and then turns away and sings, an electric guitar appearing out of nowhere.

“Say your prayers little one
Don`t forget my son
To include everyone
I tuck you in
Warm within
Keep you free from sin
'til the sandman he comes

Second’s eyes widened, and he joined and sang. Somehow, the two now had Rambo outfit’s, complete with eyes streaks.

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
We're off to never never-land

Rave lights came down from the ceiling of the music store. They shined across the room.

Something's wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren't of Snow White
Dreams of war
Dreams of liars
Dreams of dragons fire
And of things that will bite, yeah

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
take my hand
We're off to never never-land

Kyle Bucy stood there with a slight grin on his face as he watched Connor and Second sing, and Connor shred guitar.

Hush little baby don't say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
It's just the beasts under your bed
In your closet and in your head

Exit light
Enter night
Grain of sand

Exit light
Enter Night
Take my hand!
We're off to never never-land

The rave lights got bright, and smoke started to come from nowhere.

We're off to never never-land
Take my hand
We're off to never never-land.”

“Woo!”

Second slid on his knees, his outfit gone. He blinked into the eyes of the shoppers and Kyle Bucy.

“Amateurs. “

“…”

“…”

“Well that was weird…” Connor said as he walked over to Kyle Bucy, who hadn’t moved. Connor still had his guitar.

Suddenly, the ground started shaking.

Connor and Second looked at Kyle Bucy.

He looked ready to explode.

This theme started playing.

“OB-“ Kyle Bucy now had on a professionally made suit.

“JEC-“ He pointed his finger at Second and Connor.

“TION!!!”

Connor’s guitar exploded, sending tons of shrapnel into his body. All the CDs in the store EXPLODED INTO MILLIONS OF PIECES. Only one CD remained: a blank cover.

“This is CLEARLY a better song!”

Second looked at Connor, who had passed out because of all the sharp fragments in his body.

“… okay. I’ll play it.”

Second grabbed the CD, went to a CD player, and popped it in.

The theme stopped, but this played.

“Ha!”

Kyle Bucy ran off his suit gone, and wearing a troll face.

“God damn it Kyle.” Second swore.

Connor was losing a lot of blood.

COAL +

FIERY

“Ow!” Coal suddenly said.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know… I think it’s my need to help people going off…”

“Ugh. Can we finish buying this stupid make-up first?”

“… sure.”

“Why did you bring me here for this anyway?”

“I needed to bring you away from the group.”

“… uh… why?”

Coal picked up his sharpened sword and pointed it at Fiery’s heart.

“Because I know who you are.”

KYLE +

AUTHOR

“OMG.”

“What?” Author asked, still recovering his pride. He eventually had decided to get a plain hoodie.

“My Epic Sense is tingling.”

“What.”

“Holy guacamole, Batman! TWO epic things… scratch that, THREE epic things are about to happen!”

“… you can tell if epic things are about to happen?”

“Eeyup.”

“… I’m jelly.”

“DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID ANNNNNNNYONE calllll meee?” Hugh Jelly said, right next to Author.

“Welp, that’s one of them.”

JOSH

“Finally! I found it!”

Josh’s stomach grumbled in delight. He ordered a double burger, a large fry, and a Lard Shake ©.

“I’m not fat…*sniff*… my mom always said I was special the way I was…*sniff*”

KYLE +

AUTHOR

While Author was fighting off Hugh Jelly’s sexual advances, Kyle exclaimed:
“The epic-osity is going to happen right…”

JOSH

Josh reached for a bite of the burger.

KYLE+

AUTHOR

“… now!”

JOSH

Suddenly, the wall of the mall exploded, letting in a heavenly light. One of pieces of rubble blasted Josh’s food out of his hooves.

“Sun-ov-a-BITCH!”

Josh looked over to the gaping hole. Two figures stood there, one pony and one human. The human's badge glinted in the light, the pony's mane blowing majestically in the sudden wind.
Doves flew into the mall, a stray pooping on Josh, who screamed like a girl. The human tossed the pony a pistol.

Isaac and Firewall shared a look.

"Let's go get that fucking toaster."

"Buck yeah."

{10 MINUTES EARLIER…}

A small appliance exploded.

“Shit!”

“Curses! I knew that wouldn’t work!”

“Fuck, man. Now we need another toaster.”

“I think I have an spare.”

“You carry around spare toasters? I don’t need one but, damn.”

“Yeah. I do experiments like this a lot in my free time. Which is abundant, since I’m an undercover cop.”

“I don’t have free time.”

“Then what in the bloody blazes are you doing here?!”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“… crap. Go get that toaster, and make it fast.”

“…”

“…”

“… aw hell. I must have lost it.”

“What? You lost your spare toaster?!”

“It’s a tragedy.”

“Heh. Yup. Except I could pay for that a million times over, since I’m rich as hell.”

“…”

“…”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“That Alkaios is kinda hot?”

“What? No… dude…”

“…”

“…"

“…”

“… wanna make an epic entrance into the mall?”

“Hell yeah!”

Author: What’s with all these “…”s?

Author: Hell if I know.

COAL +

FIERY

“You’re a fake!”

“…”

“…”

Author: Again with the “…”s

Coal: Shut the buck up Author.

Fiery: Seriously dude. Oh, and, it is a fake. I’m locked in the girl’s bathroom. So many periods… so much time…

Author: …

Coal: Welp, I should probably stop breaking the world now.

Author: You think?

“…”

“Whoa. Never doing that again Author.”

“What the hell are you talking about?!” Fiery yelled.

“Erm… uh… oh yeah! You’re a fake!”

“…fool. I am the great Nightmare!”

The ‘Fiery’ dissipated into a dark blue cloud.

“You can’t hope to defeat me!”

Author: That’s so cliché. Plus, I’ve just noticed something.

Author: What?

Author: That in almost all these stories, the Nightmare is ther-

“SILENCE, FOOL! MY INTER-DIMENSIONAL ABILITIES ARE SECRET!”

Author: Not anymore, stupid.

“…”

Author: Again with the-

Suddenly, the mall was filled with the sound of a large boom, and Author popped out of a trans-dimensional pocket, tumbling onto the floor.

“… fuck.”

“OOoooooh! Hugh Jelly would like to do that to you!”

Author got up and ran, screaming, from the pursuing Hugh Jelly.

Coal sighed and faced the Nightmare once more.

“And I will vanquish you, blah blah blah. Just let me kill you.”

{5 MINUTES LATER}

“SHHHHHIIII- Oof!”

Coal was getting pwned. He and the Nightmare battled across the mall, and had eventually ended up in the electronics store.

“Unghh…” Coal groaned as he lay on the floor, his health not very high. His sword lay out of reach.

“Do you surrender, child?”

“No he doesn’t, fuck face.”

The Nightmare turned around, but was bucked in the face.

“Coal is the only one who gives two shits about me. I won’t let you mess with him.”

Josh repeatedly bucked the Nightmare, but it had little success. Soon, Josh was thrown into a wall, in which he burst through.

JOSH

“AHHHH!”

He landed in a pile of dog poop.

NIGHTMARE

“Are you ready to die?”

The Nightmare said, still watching Josh.

*ching*

“Nope.”

The Nightmare spun around to see Coal holding his sword and an empty bottle. Firewall stood next to him, charging up a fireball, and Isaac held a toaster.

“I’m a master in the art of the toaster.”

KYLE

“… wow. Those were doozies.”

Kyle stepped outside the shop to find three figures chasing after a cloud shape.

“Aww hell no! I will not be left out of this!”

Kyle ran after him.

Soon, everyone else did the same.

NIGHTMARE

“Ach!”

The Nightmare took its last blow, turning into a little purple puddle. They had ended up in some hair salon.

“You… will… never… defeat… me!”

The three humans (or former humans) laughed as Isaac plugged in his toaster. The Nightmare puddle splashed.

“No, please! Anything other than that!”

He dropped the toaster into the puddle.

“AHHHHHHHHH!”

EVERYONE

All the humans form the group busted through the door. Fiery looked sick, Josh still covered in bruises and poop, Author twitching, Second and Kyle Bucy staring in awe, Connor in a wheelchair and completely covered in bandages, and Kyle wearing his red hoodie and making a face.

“Seriously guys. Guys, seriously? GUIS. SRSLY.”

The three battle-worn humans laughed at the mess they made. They wouldn’t have to clean up after all. They all left to celebrate one of their many victories by getting wasted.

All was quiet.

…

…

…

…

Except for a small conversation.

“Sexuality, huh?”

“Yep.”

“Hmm. Nice to meet you. I’m Lust.”

“I think that’s a dead bird over there. Let’s go rape its dead carcass.”

“… yes.”

{5 MONTHS LATER}

“You may kiss the… bride?”

They didn’t just kiss. They had… intercourse right there.

Everyone there wore a poker face. Coal and Second put their head in their hands.

“Where did my life go wrong?”

~THE END~

The Stoned...ness?

GETTING HIGH WITH THE HUMANS OF EQUESTRIA

By Mister Fluttershy

(WARNING: THIS CHAPTER MAY CAUSE IMPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, GONORRHEA, CRABS, AIDS, BRAIN LOSS, MENTAL RETARDATION, FORCED AMNESIA, AND MOMMA LUIGI)

“Well that was an interesting poker game.”

Everyone in the group sat in a circle in front of the remains of Coal’s house and watched as the remains burned lazily. No one knew where Coal had disappeared to, but the cries of an evil demon lord rang throughout the town.

Kyle held a blunt in his left hand and the cat in his lap.

“Hey, does anyone have a light?”

“Kyle, if you’re going to get baked, go do it somewhere else.”

Josh looked at the blunt with disgust.

Fiery wordlessly (umad Poodicus?) magically lit up Kyle’s doobie, and Kyle grunted as a thanks.

“Hey, by any chance, do you have more?”

“Second? I didn’t think you weren’t the type.”

“I could use some relaxing. Heck, I’ve been going without it forever now.”

“Huh. Yeah I do. Alright, have some.”

[20 MINUTES LATER]

Everyone but Josh, Author, Kyle Bucy and Connor were fried.

Second lazily walked over to Author and leaned on his shoulder.

“Have you ever got the feelin’… you’s was being watched?”

Second then promptly fell on his face.

“Ssssss… ahhhh… ssssss… ahhhh…”

Author just looked at Second. He hadn’t used the drug because he was a kill joy, (and because his mom told him not to) but seeing Second like this only reassured his choice.

“I’m better than drugs!” Author announced confidently.

Kyle Bucy came up from behind Author and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey… this stuff ain’t that great… I have some better stuff…”

“Huh? Nah, I’m not interested.”

“No… it’s a mushroom… you don’t smoke it. It’s only found in Equestria.”

Author thought about it long and hard. (If you know what I mean)

“Hmm… okay! Seems legit!”

[5 MINUTES LATER]

“Dude… nothing’s happening! This sucks!”

Author walks off in the direction of the town, leaving a stoned Kyle Bucy behind. Gravel skirted out under his Sketchers as he dejectedly kicked the ground.

Today sucks! I lose the poker game, and then this thing doesn’t work! Even the floating pink ponies are frowning at me!

[EVERYONE ELSE]

Most the humans sat in a circle, enjoying themselves.

Josh and Connor looked at all of their high friends.

“Hey Connor, I’m curious. Why didn’t you partake-“

“I’m not interested, actually. I don’t need drugs to be happy. I use my own emotions and philosophies to keep myself going. Even on days that seem grim, I just think about the ones I love and that always makes me happy and prepared for each bright and happy day. Even after I found out that the world was gone, I kept myself going. Plus, I think drugs are harmful and are a horrible substitute for an otherwise fulfilling hobby.”

“…”

“Pussy.”

“FIERY!”

Meanwhile, chicken.

“BRAKAWW!”

Thank you chicken for your wonderful insight.

Meanwhile, Second and Fiery were chillaxing together.

“Hey Second… do you ever get the feeling… that you’re the anti-hero?”

“…”

“Second?”

“Doritios.”

“Huh?”

“I. Need. Doritios.”

“O mah god. I need Doritos too.”

Everyone but Kyle and Connor went for a trip to the local 7/11. Josh went because he’s a fat-ass. They’d probably go to Taco Bell, too, but what do I know? I’m just the Narrator. (Jeez I don’t get paid enough for this) GET ME MY BEER!

*ahem*

Well, then Kyle Bucy noticed the giant shadow spider lord demon thingimajigger came right to them.

Author: (If you know what I mean)

EVERYONE: STFU

Author: :okayface:

Connor: Aren’t you supposed to be trippin’ hardcore right now?

Author: Shut up floating banana. You won’t take my muffins!

Derpy: MUFFIN?!

PEOPLE READING: LOLWUT

“SHIT GUISE! WE GOTTA RUN!”

Kyle Bucy ran for his life.

Connor looked everywhere for what he was talking about.

Welp, it didn’t exist. What? Were you expecting a fight scene? No way! No one could fight now! They be stoned as a rock! And Connor doesn’t have amazing abilities like everyone else!

“Hey!”

Shut up. You aren’t supposed to hear me.

“Author, calm down. “

What?

And then it hit Author that he was a person again. He had been walking back to the group without realizing it.

“Oh.”

“You’re welcome.”

[COAL]

As Coal took a mighty swing at the hellspawn’s arm, he had a fleeting thought.

I wonder what’s for dinner-

No, that wasn’t it.

I wonder what Applejack and RD are doing right now. If they’re banging that’s be so hot-

Not that either. Hmm… ah, I know!

I wonder what productive things the gang is doing?

[EVERYONE ELSE BUT CONNOR, AUTHOR AND KYLE BUCY]

“Sweet mother of Jesus god! This Doritos taco is bucking delicious!”

“i no rite?”

[COAL ]

…
No, they’re not doing anything productive. That I know.

[EVERYONE ELSE BUT CONNOR, AUTHOR AND KYLE BUCY]

“CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

“SO MUCH SLURPEE!”

[COAL]

Hmm…

Maybe they’re getting food?

[EVERYONE ELSE BUT CONNOR, AUTHOR AND KYLE BUCY]

“TO THE STRIP CLUB!”

[COAL]

Nah, they probably got high again.

[CONNOR BUT CONNOR AND KYLE BUCY BUT AND KYLE BUCY DOLPHIN BUT CONNOR AND AUTHOR]

lol wtf

DEAL WITH IT!

Anyway, Connor and a tripping Author-

“OW!”

-caught up to the fleeing Kyle, calmed him down (by way of baseball bat) and dragged his body to a bush to make sure no one would find his knocked out self.

“Wait, I’d never do that!”

Too bad Connor. Too bad.

They then proceeded to go to a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream shop together, and professed their love, and had sweet sweet se-

“No.”

And then time re-winded, and they just went to a Burger King and ate to their heart’s content.

And when everyone had long ago returned to their own home, long into the night, a lone figure dropped to the ground, a monster in his wake.

“Hey guys…”

…

“Did I miss something?”

…

“…fuck.”

THE END

The author would like to say he would have written more made this quicker, but 60s Spiderman showed up and we had a “we don’t give a fuck” party.

Never Forget

This chapter for remembrance of Coal Buck. We'll miss you buddy.

2011-2012

If anyone doesn't know, Coal Buck can't post anymore due to family issues. His parents found the story and well...

They forced him to delete EVERYTHING. He can't post more 'cause they're monitoring it.

So that's the rundown.

Sorry for useless chapter, just felt like I needed to do that.