Star-Crossed

by Lonelydarkness

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance, Adventure
Length: 6996

A short tale of the mighty Merlin, and his other aliases.

Ponies have wondered, "Whatever happened to Star Swirl, the Bearded?"

People have wondered, "Hmm, did I leave the oven on? No? Okay then." Needless to say, people don't believe in fairy-tales.

But what if that famous mage Star Swirl was real? Or that other one--what's his name? Oh yeah!--Merlin?

Well, if either were real, and if they did all myth says they did, then something like this might happen.

Warning: Contains gratuitous language and Adult themes.

Takes place in YHaY-verse, is in NO way a part of the canonical storyline

AN: The Prologue is very silly, but it only partially sets the mood, this is NOT a crack fic.

Published 2014-07-10 01:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-12 16:22:48 UTC

Awake, Mage of Stars--Prolouge

Awake, Mage of Stars; Prologue

By Lonelydarkness

How did you get here?! Whatever, it doesn't really matter now, does it? Well, seeing as you likely won't be leaving this place for some time now, how about a word of advice?

I realize that there are many things in life you should not do; Cast pearls before swine, eat of the forbidden fruit, try to avoid death--and taxes, or allow people to tread on you. I did all these things and lived to tell about it--in a way.

...And by that I mean to say that I am still alive, yet I am imprisoned here. Possibly. The reason? Why, it is all of the above things-- of course!

Did I confuse you?

Yes? No?

Then allow me to enlighten you, mortal. You see--or maybe not--I am a very famous person. That alone--by modern standards--would be excuse enough to be so confusing and likely insane. But wait, there's more! There always is.

I am an incredibly powerful mage, who is imprisoned within a crystalline cavern, deep beneath Brittan--or as it is called nowadays "The U.K.".

Still confused? Even more so than when we began? Then either you don't know who I am, or you don't believe me. Apparently either response is acceptable nowadays. Before I continue to ramble, perhaps my name is in order--though I have lots.

You may call me; Myrddin Emrys, Merlin Ambrosius, the old guy, Star Swirl, or--as I have recently been called--Beardo. If you must call me the old guy, make sure you use the.

Why so many names? When you get to be as famous as I am, you can call yourself whatever you want.

You want me to explain their origins specifically? Piss off, you Git!

...I'm sorry. It's been a while since I've seen any--living--thing. You have no idea how lonely it can get down here...

Anywho, they call me Myrddin Emrys in Wales--'cause they're special, Merlin everywhere else on Terra--as well as the old guy, and Beardo--but I am called Star Swirl, the Bearded on Equis.

I saw that spark of recognition on your face there for a second, but now it's gone--damn-it.

I take it you wanna know where Equis is then? Fine.

It was well over a thousand years ago, in a galaxy which is actually relatively close. What? Expecting me to say something else? Well, that's just too damn bad then, isn't it? Star Wars died with Jar-jar Binks, and I'm not gonna dig it up for one lousy joke...

...I regret nothing I just said. But I digress--

In this relatively close galaxy--currently allotted a series of numbers, dashes and letters by the American NASA Space team--there is an astronomical anomaly, the likes of which should be impossible. A geocentric solar system.

This small, green planet is home to a large number of creatures. Many of these creatures are capable of manipulating magic...

You're talking to a 1400-year old wizard, yet you question other intelligent life? Seriously? How do I weep for humanity! Let me count the ways!

...Don't get it? Fuck you. If you got it, here's a nice bowl of figgy pudding. What was I talking about again?

...Oh yeah! Aliens!

...Don't you look at me like that!

*Ahem* Anyways, the many magical creatures on this planet are also highly intelligent. They have even formed complex societies and governments--despite the fact that one of these races has no means of manipulating any kind of tool. 'Cause magic--ain't it great? *Smack!*

Now I'm sure the next question you're going to be asking me is: "Why do I care?" Well, that is an excellent question.

The Minotaurs are the most like humans...

Wait, you wanted me to answer that? UGH! Fine.

...Has anyone ever told you it's a bad idea to question an unstable person? ...Seriously! ...Whatever.

I'm telling you this because it's leading up to what I did immediately after I woke up for the first time in 1000 years--ya' know, big stuff. It seemed like it was important--but you don't care about that do you?

No, of course you don't; people today only listen to you if it entertains them! Well what if I told you that this story just might be the most interesting thing you've ever heard?

Of course! Now you're listening! ...Yeah, I have an interesting story for you.

It's a story of power, intrigue, death, immortality, and the meaning of life! ...42.

...I may have been kidding about the last part... The rest is all real though! I promise!

Yes, a promise--indeed. Though before we begin, I must tell you; I have not always been as you see me. A double life, filled with debauchery, deception, destruction, delight, and death--the recipe for the ultimate entertainment.

Know that as I tell you this, you will have been the only mortal to know this tale. You must tell no one of what you see--or don't--or hear here.

If the temptation is too much for you, then I suggest you turn around here and now. Leave this cave the way you came--how did you get here anyhow?--and live forever with your intense curiosity. It will forever gnaw at the back of your mind, begging you to appease it somehow or forget altogether, driving you slowly insane, as curiosity is wont to do. You will never see another peaceful night sleep for all eternity, alive or dead!

Should you tell others of this, I will flay you alive, roll you in salt, and crush all your ribs with a ball-point hammer! Then I'll carve your heart out with a rusty wooden spoon and feed it to the nearest soul consuming entity I can find!

How will I get a rusty wooden spoon? Why, with magic--duh!

...

Oh, you're still here? Well, if you're truly intent on listening, I suppose I can't dissuade you.

But seriously, if you tell someone about this I will find the most painful way to kill someone and make it last as long as magically possible! (Just so you know, that's likely longer than your natural lifespan)

...

Fine, you seem determined... I'll tell you. But if you start to see what I'm describing, don't worry about it... I'm a professional!

Author's Note

...What have I done?! This is the. Worst. Possible. Thing! I must kill this before it breeds!

...Seriously though, tell me what you thought. Mind you, this is only the prologue, the first chapter will be much longer!

Star-Struck! -- Chapter 1

If you have ever woken up in a place that you didn't fall asleep in, it can be pretty terrifying. However if you don't remember falling asleep, there is a lingering sense of annoyance that accompanies the hazy vision.

I had hoped that magic could save me(as it usually does) from my rather annoying foe, but as it turns out a sorceress of equal ability can easily break your wards and steal your magic (much like a vengeful ex-partner (only that they steal your stuff as opposed to your soul-- or both)). Niviane was her name, and boy was she a bitch!

In hindsight, it's never a good idea to teach someone who doesn't like you all your tricks, and expect them to not try to kill you.

I had a thing for her, so I taught her my magic. She thought my use of magic was... cruel at best. As it turns out, her father was a member of a wizard hunting order which was eradicated by me. Funny how these things work, really.

But of course she didn't know that, so she thought I was a murderous bastard. But the sick and twisted fates thought it would be so funny to put the unknown daughter of a sworn enemy right in my lap.

Needless to say, when she confronted me about it-- which wasn't until after she sealed me away-- I was furious! And the worst part is that she waited until I fell asleep, as I was totally defenseless, to steal my magic and seal me in a crystal cavern ridiculously far beneath the ground! So, like I said-- total bitch.

But I am no idiot--

That does not give you the rite to give me snark, you little shit!

ANYway, I hadn't taught the bitch about the different kinds of magic yet. There's the first kind, which is potion making and spell circles; the second kind, which uses trinkets and magical foci to cast spells; and the third, which is simply willing spells to happen with a part of your mana.

YES, that is what it is really called...

So, with a carefully drawn spell circle, I was able to create a port key from one of the crystals. I had no mana to simply will away the wards surrounding me yet, so I had to use a more primitive means. The only problem with that method is that you need to use a highly magical anchor point, which don't really exist on any of Terra. I had thought the Isle of Avalon would suffice, yet it turns out that it is actually quite mundane.

So, as you could imagine, I was quite surprised when i found myself in a large circle of dead grass in a forest clearing.

"If the fates doth find this humorous in any fashion, they are the only ones to have said opinion!"

But I can proudly claim that I never panicked.

"Prithee, Niviane, dost thy hands have no part in this?!" I shouted. "I-if thou had any part in this, I-I WILL SHOW NO QUARTER!"

After hearing no response for some time, I finally took in my surroundings. Thick, slightly gnarled trees surrounded me in every direction, and the air was heavy with the scent of old leaves. Exotic plants of many colors were scattered randomly across the forest and thick canopy, providing relief from the monotonous dark greens and browns. Animals of all shapes and sizes could be heard making a din of nature.

My anxiety quickly turned to fear, but a true mage is a master of emotion.

After hyperventilating and shouting at the sky for a few minuets, I slowly calmed down-- mostly due to a lack of oxygen to the brain. After a short internal debate, I decided to climb the tallest nearby tree for vantage.

The forest was an in-veritable sea of leafy green, but all hope was not lost! A ways off to the south I saw a village, and beyond that I could make out a mountain-side castle (in all honesty it looked more like a palace, even from several miles away). I knew that the local fauna had an unusually high mana content, so I could make them into raw magical potions--

YES I know that it's a mana potion, now will you stop interrupting me?!

--and replenish my mana reserves.

There, you see, you ruined the story flow! Kids...

Upon making it to the ground again I noticed that there was no sound coming from the forest. Not being an idiot, I knew that there was likely a large predator nearby. Naturally I knew just what to do; climb the tree again to reach safety.

"Oh, bullocks!" I mumbled to myself, "I always seem to be stuck in a tree. Though now I have magic to aide me in my escape!" (unlike my long passed youth)

On my way to the tallest branches, I noticed a particularly garish yellow flower, which seemed familiar to me, though I couldn't have cared less at the moment.

"Hmm, such a vociferous little thing, and it doth have an absurd amount of mana, excellent!" I said, chuckling darkly. I pulled the whole plant from the tree and ground it in my palms.

Humming to myself, I placed it into a vial of spring water and shook it violently with one hand, using the other to clutch the tree limb tightly. All it takes to separate mana from anything that holds it is a violent shaking and pulling on it's magical aura.

Yes, those hippies were right, auras are real, and they're very magical. If you know they're there you can touch them, and then you can steal them! Don't do that without the water though... it's bad.

As I shook it, the bright yellow and orange aura became visible to me. It radiated out from the wad of plant matter like a small fire. Smiling, I willed the mana to join with the water in my mind, making the aura dissolve into the now brightly glowing water, which boiled with a mercurial fury before stopping just as quickly as it had started. I pulled the sleeve of my dark grey long robes over the vial as a filter, before drinking the pale green liquid.

Like I said, if you're forcing mana into something, it becomes pure energy-- so don't will it into your hand unless you wanna blow it off!

It burned a bit, just as a spirit does; however, it sharpens the senses, as opposed to dulling them. Finally having gotten over the botched teleportation spell, I sighed in satisfaction as the mana flowed into my aura.

The amount of mana I siphoned from the flower would put me at the edge of the forest with a standard teleportation spell, a stone's throw from the village. I decided against that however, as I had no idea where I was, and this was no time to accidentally walk into a wizard hunters village without enough mana to defend myself. I decided to scry for the location of the nearest river, which was halfway between me and the edge of the village.

I teleported to the flowing river and proceeded to replenish my exhausted mana supply. After two hours of shaking a glass vial filled with plant matter and water, my aura was roaring around me like a small fire-- though it was still nowhere near my potential maximum. I now had enough mana to destroy a small army though, which was more than enough for some scrying spells.

I did what any sane person would do, check my surrounding area. I scried the village and encountered something I didn't expect... Ponies with human slaves! I knew where I was at least, that being Equis. However, I didn't know how long I had gone, or how humans had become pets.

The last time I was here, humans were tribal, and ponies wanted nothing to with humans. My time here may have been brief, but I am told I would have gone down in the history books.

That's a story for another time... maybe later.

My last disguise had been to my liking, so I decided to replicate it. A polymorph spell physically turns your body into another one, so it is very precise, and quite painful.

After rolling around on the ground in fetal position and in pain, I morphed my robe into simple saddle bags and strapped them to my sides. After securing them, I looked at my hoofiwork. A mild grey coat, expertly groomed(also covered in leaves and dirt), along with a flowing ebony mane and A MAGNIFICENT BEARD. And finally the most integral part to the disguise-- a cutie mark.

I agree, it is an obscenely girly name, but then again, I didn't name it.

A simple design, an irregular 6-pointed star with a crescent moon surrounding it. It was to symbolize my affinity for magic-- mostly helpful magics-- but most people, er, ponies thought it was for astronomy at first. (my astronomy would have been heretical at the time)

Thus, I was Star Swirl, the Bearded once again! Not that anything nearby cared at all.

I decided it would be prudent to scry the castle next, and see who owned it. I devoted little effort to this spell, as I didn't expect resistance; however, there seemed to be a scry-proof barrier surrounding the palace. Most annoying.

I refined the scry spell, focusing a large amount of power into a small area-- the center of the castle-- and lo, it worked! I was definitely looking into the throne room, stain glass, red carpets, gilded marble pillars, and a huge throne to escalate the tackiness to untold heights.

However, one thing in the room made it all bearable-- the occupant of the opulent throne. A mare with a coat of the purest white, and a flowing mane and tail which looked akin to the Aurora Borealis. She wore a set of regalia which was, although modest, expertly crafted, adding to her already regal air. She has apparently noticed me, however, as her serene expression morphed to one of shock, as her magenta eyes flicked to my vantage point immediately.

I dropped my spell and returned my senses to the forest and smiled softly.

"Celestia," I whispered.

I walked slowly out of the forest and headed out towards the small town, the sun floating softly in the middle of the sky. The village grew rapidly as I exited the tree line, showing more and more of it's details.

The road was a hard-packed dirt path of impressive width, with thatched roof cottages lining either side. Down the road, I could see a large gazebo in the middle of town, and a few shop signs poking out from awnings-- likely the lord's manor and the center of commerce for miles around. I also noticed a smaller gazebo near the edge of town; it was garish, yet it was not quite tacky.

I couldn't be sure, but I swore I also saw a house of gingerbread past the lord's manor. A queer town to be sure, but I might just get stoned for speaking it aloud-- you can never be too careful with that sort of thing.

Opposite the large manor was an impressive tree, though I couldn't discern the breed. It was more than large enough to be hollowed out and turned into a house, which was strange as it was only thirty feet tall at most (another queer aspect of a queer town).

Overall, the place seemed to be quite homely, although it was a lot bigger than I initially predicted. I always had trouble with sizes at a distance.

The first thing I needed to do was locate a library, public or no, they only gave books to people who could read anyway(books for any society without a printing press are obscenely expensive to make). I began walking through the town, my glass vial and port key clinking together. I didn't have any money, but then again you don't need it to get directions-- usually.

Takin' on the whole motha' fuckin' world, son!

...

I agree, let us never speak of that outburst again.

I began at the building closest to me, the garish gazebo. I quickly used telekinesis to brush all the dirt from my coat, and knocked on the door. That is when I noticed an "Open!" sign in the window, and opened it anyway. I heard a bell chime as I entered the shop.

"Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is shique, unique, and magnifique!" a mare chimed from another room, "How may I help you?" The mare in question appeared at the top of a stairwell. She had an alabaster coat, groomed to perfection, and a royal purple mane and tail, swirled into elegant coiffures. She carried herself down the stairs with elegance and grace, a pleasant smile on her face the whole time. This mare was the definition of class.

"Hello mi'lady, it is a pleasure to meet you!" I said, kneeling down as she approached, "Prithee, what might your name be?" I gently held her hoof and placed a light kiss upon it, locking eyes the whole time. Proper etiquette is the least I could do for a pleasant mare, right?

She giggled like a lady and held her hoof up to her mouth to cover it. "Such a gentlecolt!" she said, lowering her hoof to reveal a light blush, "My name is Rarity, though I did not catch yours?"

I smiled and stood back at my full height, slightly taller than her. "What an apt name for such a charming mare. I have many different names, though you may call me Star Swirl, or simply Star-- if you prefer."

Her smile grew slightly as her blush faded. "Well then, Star, how may I help you?"

"Well, I was hoping to find a collection of books, preferably one of a decent size and with modern information-- if you would know of such a thing."

"As it happens, I do know of such a place!" she said, pointing towards the town, "I know the librarian at the Golden Oaks Public Library. Did you see that tree across from town hall?"

"The one that was ridiculously wide for it's height?"

"That would be it!" she said with another lady-like giggle.

"Many thanks, fair maiden. May you have good fortune 'till we meet again!" I said waiving as I left. I heard her return the sentiment as I gently shut the door.

'Well that was certainly easy.' I thought to myself. The walk to the library was short, though not uneventful. I passed several ponies without incident, yet as I passed one obnoxiously pink mare logic seemed to fail for an instant. She shot into the air and gasped for a good two seconds-- still suspended mind you-- and then proceeded to shoot off at impossible speeds as she hit the ground.

'...Magic? Oh whatever, I have more important matters then ponies using telekinesis to levitate themselves to attend to!' After a short session of vigorous head shaking I was off to the library-- again.

The library itself was quite large, a diameter of at least 50 feet, and it had at least two floors. There were a few nooks poking out of the tree which had an odd grass roofing. The door was likely wooden (imagine that), and painted red with a picture of a lit candle painted onto it. 'A right queer place indeed.'

I walked right in and looked around--it was a public library, right? The bookshelves lined the walls, yet they didn't take up any floor space. In the middle of the area there was a small circular table with a horse-head bust on it, as well as what appeared to be a registry. Off to the side there was a set of stairs which appeared to lead to a reading area, as well as more bookshelves. I didn't notice anyone at first, so I decided to ask for assistance.

"Hello? Be there anypony here? I require some assistance with the location of a few tomes!"

"Just a minuet!" toned an agitated mare. The sound of a book closing loudly rang out from the upper reading area, shortly after the sound of hooves clunking against wood could be heard. Soon A lavender mare could be seen at the top of the stairwell, looking slightly miffed. She walked down the stairs in a very careful manner-- almost like she was afraid of them-- as her face morphed into a much more amiable expression.

"Hello, and welcome to the Golden Oaks Public Library. You said something about needing to find a book?" She had dark purple eyes and a kind smile, and a well-kept, yet low maintenance mane-cut. Her hair was a unique shade of purple, with a bright pink stripe running through it.

"Yes, I did," I said, kneeling just like I had before, "My name is Star Swirl, but you may call me star if you prefer," I gently grabbed her hoof and placed a kiss on it. "Might I ask of thee your name?"

Her face contorted into a mask of skepticism before replying. "Yeah, and I'm the queen of Saddle Arabia. What books are you looking for." There was no question in there.

"W-well, um, I suppose a book on all major historical events to happen within the past thousand years or so, as well as a book on colloquialisms, and a book on modern Equish, if you please."

She looked at me even more skeptically and ignited her horn, summoning six different books without batting an eyelash. "The library closes in two hours, if you need to check the books out, come see me. Otherwise, leave them on the table next to the register." She turned around and went back up the stairs, giving me a nice view of her flank. As it turns out, the tail matches the mane. I also noticed her cutie mark, an irregular six-pointed star, with five smaller ones surrounding it.

'Did she have wings?'

2 Hours Later

"Alright, the library's clo-"

I looked up from the massive pile of books I was sitting on. "Oh... 'Sup."

"What have you done with my library!?" she shouted, quite obviously miffed.

"Relax, relax! I memorized the locations of all these books. I just got a little sidetracked when I realized how much has changed since I was last here."

"What do you mean 'since I was last here'?!" she screamed, "I've never seen you before, and I've lived here for years!"

"Well unless you're just young looking for 1000+, I'd be willing to bet cash money you never would've seen me in the flesh."

"Are you still on about that Star Swirl, the Bearded thing?!"

"Well of course I am, it is my name after all. I even had it legally changed to represent my love for facial hair." I said, running my hoof through it.

"You are CRAZY!" she screamed, picking up a book with her arcaeokinesis*. "Get out of my library!"

"I thought it was a public library." I said, smirking with the intensity of a thousand assholes.

"UGH!" she screamed as she lobbed the book at me with an impressive speed.

The book seemed like it would hit me right on the nose, but it magically stopped just before it could hit me. The mare seemed quite confused, as she let the aura surrounding her horn fizzle out.

"How are you doing that? Your horn isn't glowing..."

"That's because it doesn't need to glow. I'm using telekinesis, not magic." Smirking intensifies.

"B-b-b-but--"

"Nope, sorry-- that's just how it works."

"That's... THAT'S BUCKING IMPOSSIBLE! ONLY STAR SWIRL... S-star... Star Swirl?"

"That's right! She can be taught!" Maximum smirking! "Oh, and by the way, Celestia will likely swing by Ponyville soon."

"Wh-wh--"

"I scried her in her palace and she saw me, so... yeah."

"..." she stared at me, slack-jawed, her right eye twitching slightly.

'I think I might have broken her...'

Just as I thought the day couldn't have gotten more interesting, The front door to the library opened to reveal a six-foot tall Princess. She was off to my side, so she couldn't see me when she entered, giving me the perfect opportunity to surprise her.

"Twilight! I sensed a powerful presence in the Everfree forest trying to spy on me. Gather the Elements an--"

"You know I love it when you stroke my ego, Sunny Buns."

Both ponies turned toward me looking like I just said 'all ponis r fegets m8', until Celestia saw me.

"Star Swirl?!" she said, shock dominating her features.

"All 56 inches, at your service." I said with a wiggle of my eyebrows. I suddenly found myself being tackled and mercilessly hugged by a pretty Pony Princess.

If you don't want to know the answer to that question, don't ask it.

...

We banged.

Ahaha! You should see your face mate! Nah, we didn't bang.

...

Me and her sister though...

Hey! You don't get to judge me, I'm sixty times older than you!

"I've missed you so much! It's-- *GASP* Luna will want to know immediately!" I chuckled as the immortal princess of the sun fawned over me, like a little girl does with someone they haven't seen in a year. I got Celestia to stop for a moment as I looked to Twilight.

Her mane was in a state of massive disarray and her right eye was twitching hysterically. She let out a gurgle as foam started to form at the corners of her mouth.

"Oh my!" whispered the fuzzy white giant next to me.

"I think I might have broken her..."

"OH MY FAUST!!!" screamed the purple mare, startling both of us, "STAR SWIRL THE BEARDED IS IN MY LIBRARY!!!"

I began to sweat a little. "U-um, wh-..."

She snapped to my with the scariest face ever worn on a pony, giggling manically. "Can I have a lock of mane, a blood sample, and could you possibly sign my flank?!" she said, wiggling her cutie mark at me.

...

"*PFFFT* HAHAHAHA! OH, man!" I said, laughing hysterically. "Alright, fangirl, bring that plot over here!" I conjured a quill and ink well, dipping it in and knocking it against the inner lip to remove excess ink.

Twilight *squee*'d and trotted over to me, bringing her cutie mark to my eye level. I scrawled my signature-- minus the title-- on her flank, finishing with a looping flourish as she shivered.

"I'm never gonna wash my flank again!" Twilight screamed, trotting in place.

I sat there with a bemused smile on my face, while Celestia looked utterly confused. "What?"

"Shh! Don't ruin this! I've never had a zealot before." I whispered harshly as Twilight continued to dance in place.

She continued to do this for about another ten seconds before she remembered that Celestia was in the room as well. "Oh, Princess?"

"Yeah?" She said, still severely confused.

"Can you leave for a minuet? I need to collect some... samples." she said, looking at me with a mixture of sultriness and predatory hunger.

"Uuuuuuuuuuh..." we responded in unison.

Suddenly the door burst open again, revealing an extremely irate nocturnal Princess.

"BACK OFF MY STALLION, HUSSIE!"

Author's Note:
Wow. Whatis... Idon'teven...

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIAEF!!!!

Like, favorite and comment to justify my existence plz!

*arcaeokinesis is levitation in fancy(and not Applejack's 'fancy' either).

Star Gazing -- Chapter 2

Star Gazing -- Chapter 2

"So, that's how that happened..."

"Yes, that is exactly what happened."

"GET BACK HERE, YOU HUSSIE!"

"AAH!"

The library was in a somewhat common state of disarray as the Nocturnal Princess chased the Princess of Magic around the room, destroying bookshelves and tables alike.

"Why, though? I thought you said that the humans were just to be left alone."

"I did, but Baron Shine Shield made a convincing claim that the humans were attacking him, so he used his private army to assault the humans. When his forces were utterly decimated, the E.U.P. Council decided that they were a threat to the state, and declared war.

" The rest was a decision by the council to pay back the money lost, and the nobles are so enamored with them that they fight tooth and hoof to keep them. I haven't even bothered to take them away in years, but I still try to regulate their treatment."

"RAAAAH!"

Princess Luna continued to try and corner the cheeky purple Alicorn, forgetting she had superior magic in her rage-fueled frenzy.

"What's up with her, by the way?" I said, motioning to the offending purple blur flying across the room.

"Twilight?"

"Yeah."

"GET BACK HERE SO I CAN TEACH YOU A LESSON IN FRIENDSHIP!"

"AAAH!"

"Long story short, she earned her wings... sorta."

"...I see."

"LESSON ONE: BITCHES GET STITCHES!"

"NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE!"

"I feel like we should stop them before they start another war between royals."

"Yeah..."

Just as the darker princess managed to grab her foe by the tail with her teeth, both were frozen by an invisible force. I walked over to them, setting them on opposite sides of the room. Purple Smart let out a relieved sigh, while Luna seemed livid. Knowing just how to calm her down, I used my telekinesis to give her flanks a firm squeeze.

Hey, this is all a part of life, kid. Either you learn that as long as you can talk to it it's OK, or you stay a xenophobe forever.

Hey, I'm just sayin'.

The Lunar Princess gasped, blushing slightly. She ruffled her wings as she slowly calmed down.

"Thank you... I needed that," the dark Princess muttered to me.

"Anytime... just ask."

"Did you just..."

"Yes... yes I did."

"What?" the purple one asked.

"I'll tell you when... actually, no. Ask Sun Butt, she'll tell you."

"Huh?"

"Nope. Not here, not around anypony, and certainly not anywhere Spike could walk in and hear."

"Hear what?"

I turned to see a small purple drake walk into the destroyed library. He looked around nonplussed before deciding that it just wasn't worth cleaning.

"Absolutely nothing!" the white pony blurted, cutting off the dark blue one.

For some reason, I felt like I knew that dragon from somewhere, and then it hit me. "Does he remind anypony of Dinokviingah? It's a freakish resemblance..."

"Who?"

"Woah, Star-Swirl!" Celestia said, "Don't you know it's a bad idea to say a dragon's real name in a populated city?"

"Only if that dragon takes it as a challenge."

"What? How could he possibly hear you?" the small drake asked, confusion etched into his scaly face.

"Obviously he could feel my thu'um, my voice. All dragons can taste the thu'um of another dragon, or the voice of one who can speak as they do..."

"Star-Swirl! It has been forbidden for ponies to speak the dragon tongue for over a hundred years! You could've just started a war!" Celestia fumed.

"I'm sorry," the purple one blurted, "but I thought the dragons didn't have a language unique to themselves... Why didn't I know of thi--"

"ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"That's why."

The sky was filled with the sound of massive wing beats, as the sun was blocked from entering the destroyed library by a massive shadow. The beating suddenly stopped seconds before a massive thud was heard, followed by panicked screaming.

"Who dares speak the language of the dovah?!"

The frenzied screaming outside stopped instantly, leaving an eerie silence in its stead.

"WO?!!"

"Drem fah hi, dovah."

A massive eye suddenly filled the window closest to me. The eye was white, with a green iris and slitted black pupils-- very odd for a dragon.

"I know the taste of your su'um, vozahlaas. Your thu'um is known to me... Star-Swirl."

"Dreh Zu'u mindok hi, dovah? Hi fon malmindok..."

"I see you haven't worked on your accent, hefhah."

"Dinokviingah?"

"Nid, Zu'u los ok zeymah, of course it is me!"

"Hmm... you must have gotten fat."

"HA! I missed your humor, vozahlaas. But you realize it is a bad idea to insult a dovah of my size, yes?"

"And you realize that you set yourself up for another fat joke, right?"

"If you were anyone else..."

"I wouldn't have a beard as magnificent as this, I know."

"Oo, vanity do joor," the dragon sighed.

"Excuse me..."

All eyes shifted to the, now uncomfortable, purple wyrmling. Spike shifted his weight from one foot to another, darting his eyes about, never settling on one of us for long.

"Geh, dovah kiir?"

"Uum, who are you exactly?"

"One much like yourself, dovah kiir."

"I say he's your kid. You look too alike to not be related." I said.

"Hmm, perhaps. What color is your dovah yol, dovah kiir?

The small dragon seemed quite confused. Scratching his head, he replied "My what?"

"Drake fyre," replied Luna. "Yol is the drakish word for fire."

"Close enough..." I mumbled.

The dragon grunted and nodded his head. "Indeed, the vozahlaas, immortal, speaks truth. The joor, mortals, have only one word for the raw powers of the verin, elements."

"What? But I thought that the elements were-"

"No, Twilight," Celestia droned, "He means the elements of natural magic; fire, water, earth, air, and aether- or void."

"Aether? What is tha-"

"SPACE!" Luna suddenly shouted.

I face-hoofed and sat in silence, waiting for her to go on her usual rant about space- so when it didn't come, I si-

"Oh, oh, oh I know... wait, wait, I know, I know..."

"DAMMIT, WE KNOW! SPACE!"

She merely giggled and bumped me, smirking at the centuries-old, inside joke between myself and the Royal Pony Sisters. Celestia adopted a misty-eyed smile, while the rest of the group seemed completely confused.

"I feel as if I am on the outside of a joke between friends..."

"Get used to it, bro. We hung out before you were hatched- much back-story, such friendship, many wow."

"You were speed-reading again, weren't you?" the old dragon asked, exasperated.

"I can neither confirm or deny that... but yes."

"Uum..."

All eyes returned to the little dragon, who was now starting to look anxious as opposed to nervous.

"Geh?" the large dragon grunted.

Spike wrung his claws looking at the larger, very similar dragon. "You said perhaps... does that mean that you wouldn't remember giving your mate an egg, and losing it?"

"Dova do not mate for a lifetime, and have many eggs. It is not uncommon for a mother to lose one- for a myriad of reasons."

"That's terrible!" Purple Crazy said, "I thought dragons raised their hatchlings?!"

"Yes- that being the ones that hatch." I tutted.

"Yes, I would have no way of knowing for certain until I saw your fire, and heard your thu'um."

"Oh, well... what should I say? My voice... I don't really say anything when I breathe fire."

"Geh, I shall teach you. Say the words: Yol, fire; Toor, inferno; Shul, sun. These words will set fire to the very water if your thu'um is like mine!"

The small drake sat for a moment, pondering that. "That's it?"

"Geh."

"Okay..." the small drake took a deep breath and shouted, "YOL TOOR SHUL!"

I cast a small barrier around the dragon as he shouted. The small dome became a vibrant green, nearly blinding in it's brightness. As the light died shortly after, I lowered the shield. As a small plume of smoke cleared, it revealed the young dragon, perfectly fine, and a horribly burned wood floor beneath him.

"Ha! I knew it, he's so your kid." I said, smirking at the dragon.

"Geh, it would seem you were right again."

The small dragon looked at the floor beneath him in total amazement, and then to each of us in turn. "Holy SHIT!"

"Spike! Watch your mouth!" the purple mare scolded.

"Fuckin' A!"

"Agreed, 'Fuckin' a' indeed."

"Kick ass!"

"U guise!" the purple mare whined, "Stahp! Plz!"

"Heh, now I remember why I missed you so much; there is always a fun time to be had with you!"

The small group, sans a purple librarian/princess and her dragon brother/assistant/son/room mate/(love interest? ...eew), continued to talk of old tales of revelry, debauchery, and sordid strangeness.

Topics ranged from potpourri to sword types, and everything in-between. Hours were spent between friends (or lovers), and all was pleasant. When it came time for the Cosmic Compadres to switch places, however, the Local Librarian got fed up.

"YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR SIX HOURS! GET THE FUCK OUT!"

"Gasp! Language, Lord Sparkle Bottom!" I said facetiously.

"Geh, Princess Sparkle is right- it grows late, and my hoard grows cold. Zu'u fen koraav hi zuspein, dii kul," and with that, the great dragon took to the skies.

"I believe my student- and fellow princess- is right, it is time to leave." The two Females of the Firmament stood to leave, followed by me.

"Hey, wait!" said the small dragon, "What about my 'dad'? Will I ever see him again?"

"Well, duh! Of course you will! He just said 'I will see you later, my son,' he will obviously be back."

"Really?"

I smiled and rubbed his head with my telekinesis. "Eeyup."

The dragon smiled and walked up the stairs, likely to his room. The Heavenly Princesses finished saying their goodbyes, and turned back toward me.

"So," I said, looking to the princesses, "mind if I crash with you guys?"

"Of co-"

"No," said the Solar Alicorn, cutting off her lunar sister. "Absolutely not."

"Tia! How can you be so rude to my- our friend we haven't seen in a thousand years?" Luna said, pressing herself into my side. She gave her sister the Classic Luna Pout, and waited for a response.

"Because I said so."

"Oh," I said, smirking like an asshole, "did you mean 'because I don't want you having se-"

"No!" she said, blushing slightly. "No, I don't want you in the castle because..."

"Because...?" I drawled, smirk intensifying.

"Because it needs to be cleaned!"

"Oh really? Because my room is clean..." Luna said, sultrily looking at me.

I let out a small chuckle as the two sisters began to duke it out (thankfully not literally). While the two sisters continued to argue, I was approached by Purple Crazy. Her mane had righted itself, somehow, and the ink on her flank looked as if it were lifted to a piece of paper before it could dry. Clever girl.

"Hey," she said, looking at the floor.

"Hey."

"I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier..."

"Apology accepted."

"Huh?" she looked up, totally confused. "But I was about thirty seconds from raping you! How can you..."

"Like this;" I replied, "I forgive you."

She gave me a warm smile and nodded her head. "I'll see you later, Star-Swirl."

I smirked as Luna walked over to me, smiling triumphantly. She blew a raspberry at Celestia before charging a spell in her horn. "Catch ya later, G!"

The tell-tale nausea of teleportation hit me before the library faded away, leaving a smiling Twilight and irate Celestia behind.

Author's Note

IT"S HAPPENING AGAIN!!!!!

QUICK! CALL THE POLICE!

*BANG BANG*

Man, that guy was annoying. Seriously, who speaks CAPS LOCK unless they're being a dick?

*Gurgle*

I know right? Oh wait...

*BANG*

Silly double tap...

Please comment, also- I NEED EDITORS!!