Scootaloo Dies a Bunch

by alexmagnet

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Scootaloo, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 51670

Scootaloo has some extraordinarily bad luck, which is unfortunate for her since it means she's going to die... a lot.

Scootaloo may just be the world's most unfortunate filly. She gets the short stick on everything. Of course, it just so happens that that short stick will always entail dying. It's a good thing she doesn't seem to notice that she dies a lot, otherwise things might start to get a bit complicated.

Short vignettes which reimagine each episode of MLP such that Scootaloo dies in increasingly spectacular and insignificant ways. Updates twice a week, every Tuesday and Friday.

Published 2014-02-21 01:50:04 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-09 05:18:11 UTC

Orange Lightning (Friendship is Magic Pt. 1)

When Scootaloo woke up in the morning, stretched out her hooves, let out an earth-shaking yawn, and fluttered her tiny wings, she quickly realized that today was going to suck. It wasn’t just the fact that her dead parents were dead and were never coming back—because they were dead—and it wasn’t just because her fragile, underdeveloped wings were never going to grow large enough to support her own weight, and it certainly wasn’t just because her personal hero, Rainbow Dash, was actually a huge douche. No, today was going to suck because, as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she realized she was out of orange juice.

Throwing the soggy newspaper off her chest, Scootaloo rolled out of the cardboard box and nudged the empty orange juice container. It tipped over. She sighed.

“Mooooooooooom! We’re out of orange juice!”

"There's more in the fridge, sweetheart," called Scootaloo's mother from the other room. There was a pause before she said, "You're not still sleeping in that cardboard box, are you?"

Scootaloo glanced over at the cardboard box she had been still sleeping in.

"No."

"Good. I swear, I don't know why you insist on pretending to be an orphan."

Scootaloo pretended not to hear that and instead decided to lament her long-dead parents by laying some moldy flowers over a makeshift grave she was hiding in her closet. Once she'd finished her morning ritual, Scootaloo headed to the kitchen, where she saw her father reading the morning paper.

He noticed her as she came in, and lowered the paper. "Mornin', ‘Loo. You excited for the Summer Sun Celebration?"

Scootaloo scrambled up into the chair opposite her father and started shoveling down the bowl of oats in front of her.

"Mm, guess so," she said through a mouthful. "Hopefully I'll get to see Celestia this time."

He chuckled, giving her an amused grin. "I'm sure you will," he said, reaching across the table and ruffling her mane.

That night, as the Summer Sun Celebration got underway, Scootaloo found herself milling through the crowd, utterly disinterested in everything that was going on. She came across a pair of fillies that looked to be about her age and she sidled up next to them.

"Hey there, I'm—"

"Shh!" said the shorter of the two. Her horn sparkled for a moment as she looked up at the unicorn on the balcony. "That's my sister!" she squeaked.

The filly next to unicorn, who had a large bow, held a hoof to her lips. "Quiet. I can't hear what she's saying."

Scootaloo squinted up at the balcony. She couldn't really hear what the mare was saying, but she looked like she was about to do something. Then, a moment later, she threw open the curtain.

Scootaloo gasped. There she was! There was Celes—Wait... no, there she wasn't.

"Uhh... Anyone else not seeing this?"

"Oh boy..." said the filly with the bow.

Suddenly, storm clouds gathered inside the building, swirling around the balcony and forming a purple mist. A few seconds later, they had coalesced into a violent-looking mare with spiky helmet around her face and a smoky mane trailing off her head. She cackled cruelly as everyone stared up in silence.

A crack of thunder shook the room, and just as Scootaloo felt the rumbling in her gut, she felt something else. A bolt of lighting had arced down from the clouds and struck her right in the chest.

She barely had time to mutter, "Seriously?" before she crumpled into a heap and died.

Chariots of Flower (Friendship is Magic Pt. 2)

Flowers rained from the sky like a cheesy Hearts and Hooves Day gesture. Trumpets blared and ponies cheered as Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were paraded through the streets of Ponyville. They sat beside each other in a great chariot and waved and smiled as they rolled along.

Scootaloo, much to her dismay, was having difficulty seeing the princesses. She was stuck behind a crowd of ponies. No matter how high she jumped, she couldn't see over their heads.

"I can't... Just lemme... Gah!"

She threw her hooves up and groaned.

Beside her, someone took notice of her flailing and said, "Hey, weren't you that filly from before?"

Scootaloo glanced sidelong at the pony next to her. It was the white filly she'd seen earlier. She raised an eyebrow. "You were at the Summer Sun Celebration, right?"

The filly grinned. "Yep! That was my sister on the balcony."

"Huh... cool. Hey, do you think you could help me get closer to the front so I can see Celestia?"

The filly shrugged. "Sure." She waved her hoof. "C'mon, we'll squeeze through here."

Scootaloo followed her excitedly. "Sweet. By the way, what's your name?"

She glanced over her shoulder and said, "Sweetie Belle. You?"

"Scootaloo."

She smiled. "It's nice to meet you Scoot—Wait... didn't you get hit by that lightning bolt back at town hall?"

Scootaloo pursed her lips. "Uhh... Maybe? I don't really remember. I guess I got better."

"I thought you died?"

"Yeah, that sounds like me.” Scootaloo shrugged. “Anyway, that doesn't matter. I just gotta get up front so I can see Celestia. I've been waiting forever for this."

Sweetie Belle, shrugging in return, trudged on, and Scootaloo followed closely behind.

As they elbowed their way through the crowds, Scootaloo began to grow more and more excited. Her anticipation grew with every step, and when they finally reached the edge of the crowd where the street began, she couldn't stop herself from crying out, "Yes!" and clambering over Sweetie Belle to get out into the street.

From seemingly nowhere, she pulled out a pencil and paper and started looking around for the princess. She had a special spot in her trapper-keeper just for Celestia. Luna could suck it though.

She was looking around frantically, worried she had already missed Celestia passing by when she suddenly heard a heavy thudding sound. Glancing upwards, she noticed that she had managed to accidentally come flying out of the crowd right when Celestia was passing by and had landed beneath the chariot.

Oh well, now it was just a simple matter of crawling after the wheels had—CRUNCH.

On the chariot, Celestia felt an odd bump that caused her to bounce in her seat, interrupting her waving.

"Did you feel that?" she asked her sister sitting beside her.

Luna turned her head and looked over the back of the seat. "Looks like we hit a puppy or something."

"Ah, that would explain it." Celestia then went back to smiling and waving. "I love parades," she whispered to herself.

Good Will Bucking (Applebuck Season)

Scootaloo was wandering through Sweet Apple Acres when she heard the sound of somepony rustling some leaves. It was faint, but she could definitely hear it. So, deciding that she had nothing better to do, Scootaloo trotted along through the orchard until she came across a huge earth pony facing away from a tree. She watched him for a moment as he reared up on his front legs and then kicked the tree with all his strength. Apples fell like raindrops, only much more cleanly as they all landed in a couple of buckets which had been strategically placed.

She figured there was no point in just standing there watching him, so Scootaloo approached the stallion, waving cheerily to him. “Hey there,” she said with a big grin on her face.

He smiled back at her, but said nothing.

Scootaloo came up to the buckets of apples and inspected them. She picked up a particularly juicy-looking one and took a bite out of it. Savoring the taste of the apple juices, she looked up at the large stallion and said, “Are these yours?”

He frowned at her. “Eeyup.”

She nodded. “Cool, cool. Mind if I have some?” she asked, already reaching for another apple.

His frown deepened. “Eeyup.”

Scootaloo picked up an apple and buffed it against her chest. Once she was satisfied by the sheen, she shoved the fruit in her mouth and took a loud crunching bite. Her mouth full of apple, she said, “Aw, come on. It’s just one or two little apples. Who’s gonna miss ‘em? Can’t you just let me have a few more?”

His frown deepened to the point where Scootaloo was sure he’d look like that permanently. “Eenope.”

Scootaloo sighed. “All right, all right. I’ll have just one more, then.”

He rolled his eyes and turned away from her. With a heavy grunt, he got back on his forelegs and readied himself to buck again. Scootaloo, meanwhile, was bent over the bucket picking out a few more apples for herself, completely unaware of the hooves being leveled at her head.

She had only just managed to scoop up a few more apples when she happened to look up and see a pair of hooves careening towards her face at an absolutely terrifying speed. The one thought that managed to flash through her mind before his hooves collided with her face and turned it into unrecognizable mush was that she really didn’t like apples all that much. A split second later, she stopped thinking about apples.

Falling to the ground, the stallion collapsed in pain, hugging his leg to his chest. Just then, a mare came over the hill and approached him. She had a bored expression on her face.

“What’s the matter, Big Mac?” she asked. “Wait, don’t tell me. Y’all busted your leg again, huh?”

Big Mac wheezed out, “Eeyup…”

“Hit a knot on the tree?”

“Eenope…”

She raised an eyebrow. “It wasn’t a knot? Well, what was—Oh…” She had just noticed the filly slumped up against the tree behind Big Mac. She sighed. “I’ll get the shovel.”

Top Douche (Griffon The Brush-Off)

“So, I was thinking about something,” said Sweetie Belle as she and Scootaloo wandered through the park.

Scootaloo’s ears perked up and she glanced over at Sweetie. “Oh yeah? What about?”

“Well, you said you couldn’t fly, right?”

“Right.”

“But, you’re still a pegasus, right?”

“Riiiiight.”

“So, you may not be able to fly, but you can still stand on clouds, right?”

“Ri—Actually… I don’t know.” Scootaloo looked skywards and watched as a few fat clouds floated lazily by. She briefly wondered what it’d be like to stand on one of those clouds. “I’ve never actually tried, now that I think about it.”

Sweetie Belle grinned widely. She pointed to a distant hill. “Wanna try?”

Scootaloo shrugged. “Sure, what’ve I got to lose?”

“I don’t know… your life?”

Laughing, Scootaloo patted Sweetie roughly on the back. “Oh please, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“All right, now you’ve just gotta wait until a cloud passes underneath you, and then jump on it. It should be a piece of cake.”

Sweetie was standing well away from the cliff ledge and was only offering “constructive” criticism from afar. Scootaloo, on the other hand, was practically hanging herself off the edge. She gulped.

“Uhh, I’m not seeing any clouds down here. Maybe we’re not high up enough yet?”

Sweetie Belle brought a hoof to her chin. She tapped it lightly, lost in thought. “Maybe you’re right. I don’t know where else we could go, though. This is the highest point I know of in Ponyville.”

“Yeah, this is the only place I know, too. Maybe I should just jump and try to glide down?”

Sweetie Belle shrugged. “I guess it’s worth a shot.”

“Welp, no point in sitting around waiting, then.” Swallowing the lump in her throat, Scootaloo clamped her eyes shut and leapt off the edge of the cliff. She unfurled her wings and tried to flap, but they just fluttered uselessly in the wind. Trying with all her strength to keep them open, she attempted to glide to safety, but her wings were simply too stubby.

Scootaloo had just about given up hope when she suddenly felt herself land on something soft. She opened her eyes and saw that she had actually managed, against all odds, to land on a cloud. Quickly scrambling to her hooves, she looked up the cliff and shouted to Sweetie Belle. “Hey! I made it! I’m on a cloud!”

Sweetie’s head peeked over the edge. “Oh, wow! That’s amazing, Scootaloo!”

Scootaloo strutted about for a moment, unbelievably pleased with herself. But before she could do any gloating, she heard Sweetie’s voice again.

“Hey, what’s that over there?”

She was pointing at a pair of far-off blobs that seemed to be getting closer and closer. Scootaloo squinted, barely able to make out their colors. One was a sky blue—which meant that it was Rainbow Dash—but the other she didn’t recognize. It was brown, and it was ahead of Rainbow by a good bit. She watched for a moment until shapes started to form, and she could tell that the brown object was quite a bit bigger than Rainbow.

“Can you see what that is?” she asked Sweetie.

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “Nope. Just looks like some blurs to me.”

“Huh, must be—”

“Get outta my way, dweeb!”

The brown blob passed underneath her at lightning speed, not giving Scootaloo any time to react. She thought she was safe for a moment, but then quickly realized she was falling again; her cloud had been wiped out from under her.

Scootaloo quickly moved from confusion to panic, flailing her limbs around in a desperate attempt to slow her descent down, but it was completely useless. She was falling far too fast. Her only hope was to call out to her hero as she passed.

“Rainbow! Save—”

“Hey, watch it! I’m flyin’ here!”

Rainbow passed without so much as slowing down. Scootaloo found herself questioning her choice of role models in the brief moments before she became an unrecognizable splatter of orange on the ground.

North by Northdeath (Boast Busters)

Fireworks exploded in a brilliant display of pyrotechnics above a small stage that had been set up in the middle of the town square. Scootaloo noticed there was a large crowd gathering around the stage, so she decided to see what was going on. If there were fireworks, it was bound to be something awesome.

Squeezing her way through the crowd, she popped out right in front of the raised stage. She looked up and saw a blue mare balancing one hoof on a ball while she juggled with the other three. It was exactly as awkward as it sounded, and Scootaloo was loving every second of it. She stared wide-eyed up at the mare, enthralled by her performance.

“The great and powerful Trixie will now perform feats the likes of which you simpletons have never seen!”

Biting her lip, she sprung up and switched the leg she was balancing on, all while still juggling the balls. Well, that’s how it would’ve gone if she hadn’t fallen flat on her face and sent balls flying everywhere. It didn’t matter though, Scootaloo was still stomping her hooves and cheering.

“Do over! Trixie demands a do over!” shouted the mare as she pulled herself up and started waving her hoof angrily. Just then, she noticed Scootaloo cheering and a wide smile crossed her face. “You there, filly. I need a volunteer for my next act.”

Scootaloo jumped up and down, fluttering her wings excitedly. “Oh, oh, oh, oh, me! Me! Me! Me!”

Trixie waved Scootaloo on to the stage and displayed her to the audience. “Now then, Trixie shall perform her most dangerous illusion of all.” Her grin widened to an arrogant smirk as her horn lit up and she started to pull back a large curtain. “Trixie shall saw this young filly… in half!” With a flourish, she flung the curtain open and revealed a massive saw leaning against a blue box covered in stars and other whimsical shapes.

Scootaloo’s jaw dropped. “Whoa… sweet.”

Trixie leaned down and whispered into Scootaloo’s ear. “Hey, I’m not actually going to saw you in half, but I need you to pretend like it’s happening. It’ll be more dramatic that way.”

Scootaloo nodded excitedly. “Sure, yeah! Whatever you say.”

Trixie then ushered Scootaloo over to the box and told her to lay inside. She spun the box around to show the audience there was nothing odd about it, then closed the lid and picked up the saw. Holding it above her head, she said, “Inside this box a filly lies in mortal peril. If Trixie were to make even one mistake, it could cost the filly her life.” She held the saw over the box and surveyed the crowd. They were all staring at her wide-eyed, and open-mouthed. She grinned.

Inside the box, Scootaloo was giddy with excitement. Her wings fluttered, and she couldn’t keep her hooves still. Unfortunately, this nervous kicking accidentally moved the box slightly to the left. When Trixie lowered the saw and began to cut into the box, Scootaloo became increasingly aware of the metal now tearing into her flesh.

Trixie, meanwhile, just smiled and kept sawing. The further the saw got into the box, the more difficult the sawing became, and by the end, Trixie was standing on top of the box forcing the saw to go deeper. When she finally finished, Trixie jumped off the box and tossed the saw aside.

Setting off a few fireworks for flair, she split the box in half and pushed both halves away from each other. “Now, Trixie will open the box and show that filly was completely unharmed.” As she bent down to open the box, Trixie noticed that there was some red goop trickling out through the cracks. It was then that Trixie happened to see the fake pony legs hidden behind the curtain. The fake pony legs she was supposed to use.

Trixie paused. “Change of plans!” She pushed the box off the edge of the stage, causing Scootaloo’s torso to tumble out. “Trixie will now juggle more balls!”

Reign of Ire (Dragonshy)

Scootaloo was resting her head against her hoof, leaning out her window when she saw a familiar blue figure in the clouds above. “Hey, Rainbow Dash! Down here!”

Swirling down through the overcast, Rainbow Dash flew up to Scootaloo’s window and gave her a grin. “What’s up, squirt?”

Scootaloo shrugged. “Oh, y’know, just hanging out. Hey, wanna go flying?” she asked, her wings fluttering unconsciously.

Rainbow hemmed and hawed, looking around awkwardly as she tried to avoid Scootaloo’s gaze. “I mean, that sounds cool and all, but I’m, like, really busy right now.”

“Rainbow! Y’all busy right now?”

Scootaloo leaned further out the window and saw Applejack standing there waving her hat at Rainbow.

She noticed Scootaloo looking out the window and said, “Oh, hey there, Scootaloo. Sorry about Big Mac. Doesn’t know his own strength, heh.”

Scootaloo waved her hoof dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. S’all good.”

“What’s up, AJ?” asked Rainbow, looking down at Applejack.

Applejack used her hat to point to a far off mountain. “There’s a dragon making trouble up on that there mountain. Twilight’s gatherin’ everyone to go try and talk to it. You comin’ with?”

Rainbow shrugged, fluttering down to land next to Applejack. “Sure, I’m not doing anything.”

Scootaloo practically threw herself out the window. “Oh! Oh! Can I come?”

“Ehhhhhh, I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, squirt,” said Rainbow. “I mean, it is a dragon. It could be pretty dangerous.”

Disappearing from the window, Scootaloo reappeared a moment later wearing her scooter helmet. She smirked. “I ain’t afraid of no dragons.”

Rainbow glanced sidelong at Applejack, eyebrow raised. Applejack shrugged. Rainbow nodded. “All right, squirt. You can come along. Meet up with us at the south end of town in an hour.”

Grinning like an idiot, Scootaloo snapped off a salute. “Yes, ma’am, Rainbow Dash, ma’am! I’ll be there. Oh, wait,” she said, suddenly remembering something. “I gotta ask my parents for permission first.”

Raising an eyebrow, Rainbow said, “Parents? I thought they were dead?”

“Pfff, nah. I just pretend they are for kicks,” said Scootaloo, chuckling. She spun around and yelled downstairs. “Ma! Can I go fight a dragon?”

Her mother called up to her from the kitchen. “Did you finish your homework yet?”

“It’s summer!”

“You can go.”

Scootaloo grinned. “Sweet.” She went back to the window. “Hey, Rainbow, I can—Huh… she’s gone.” The street was empty, and Scootaloo felt her heart fall a bit. Sighing, she grabbed her scooter from its resting place against the wall and hurried downstairs. She flung open the front door and jumped on her scooter, revving up her wings until she was flying down the road. Weaving in and out of crowds, Scootaloo made her way southwards until she came to the edge of the town.

“Huh, Rainbow Dash isn’t here yet,” she remarked, noticing that there was in fact no one there at all. “Well, whatever. I’ll just wait here for her.”

Scootaloo settled down on a flat rock, laying out on her back, watching the clouds as they drifted by. The wind was blowing softly through her mane. She squinted, staring up at the sky. Using her hoof to waft air over her face, she said, "Is it just me, or is it hot here?"

“Hey,” said Rainbow Dash as she walked through the farmer’s market with Applejack. “Is it just me, or have you not seen Scootaloo for awhile either?”

Applejack brought a hoof to her chin. “Huh, now that you mention it, I reckon I ain’t seen her for at least two months."

“I see,” said Rainbow, absentmindedly looking up at the clouds, “I guess that woulda been around the time we talked to that dragon.”

“Didn’t you tell her she could come with us?” asked Applejack, raising an eyebrow.

Rainbow let out a long “Ooooooh”, smacking her hoof against her forehead. “Right, I think she was supposed to meet us somewhere. I wonder if she—nah. She wouldn’t have, right?”

Applejack shrugged. “Guess we better check, huh?”

With all the urgency of a by-the-hour plumber, Applejack and Rainbow Dash casually strolled across town to where they had told Scootaloo to meet them. When they got to the spot, something caught Rainbow's eye.

“Hey, isn’t that Scootaloo’s scooter sitting by that tree?” asked Rainbow.

“Yup, sure looks like it.”

“Where’s Scootaloo?”

Applejack approached a flat rock and jerked her head towards a pile of bones sitting on top of it. “Looks like she was waiting for awhile, huh?”

Rainbow frowned. “It’s only been, like, two months. How could she be a pile of bones already?”

Applejack shrugged, taking off her hat to cool herself off. “Whoo. It’s awful hot here, ain’t it?”

Suddenly, a thought came to Rainbow. “Wait!” She snapped her hooves, which wasn’t possible but she tried to do it anyway. “I remember now!” She turned to Applejack. “Twilight said she was setting up a huge mirror somewhere around here to try and see if she could melt rock.”

Applejack chuckled. “Well, ain’t that just a kick in the head? Guess Scootaloo really warmed up to this place, eh?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “‘Least the dragon didn’t get her, huh? That woulda been pretty lame.”

Applejack shook her head, placing her hat back in its place. “Can’t say I saw this one coming.”

“Welp, no use in crying over spilled Scootaloo.” Rainbow Dash started walking back towards Ponyville, followed shortly after by Applejack. “Hey, wanna get some ice cream?” she asked.

“Only if you’re buying.”

The Bridge Over the River Die (Look Before You Sleep)

It was a dark and stormy night—well, it was actually mid-afternoon, and the rain had only just started to trickle down—but that didn’t matter to Scootaloo. She just had to get out of her house, away from her alcoholic, abusive, charity-working, stepfather. Tonight was any given night of the week, and that meant he was going to get drunk on virgin piña coladas and non-alcoholic beer while he forced Scootaloo to watch as he beat her mother at Scrabble.

So, as Scootaloo flew across the town, wondering if her wings would ever grow strong enough to allow her to fly, she found herself looking for a place to stay for the night. Eventually she came to the town square where she saw Applejack and Rarity entering Twilight’s home.

She dove down and landed at the front door, peeking in to see the three mares all sitting around talking with one another. Scootaloo knocked, and Twilight answered, a confused look on her face.

“Scootaloo? What’re you doing outside? There’s a storm coming.” She stepped aside and let Scootaloo enter. As she closed the door, Twilight asked, “Are you lost or something?”

Scootaloo shook her head. “Nah, I’m just looking for a place to stay.”

“Uhh…” Twilight glanced over her shoulder awkwardly. “Rarity and Applejack are already staying over for a slumber party, but I guess you can join too.”

Scootaloo waved her hoof dismissively. “I’m just looking for a place to sleep. Can I use your kitchen?”

“Sure, I guess. I was just about to go cut up some cucumbers to put on our faces. We’re doing makeovers,” said Twilight, leaning in and whispering like she was telling a secret. She ruffled Scootaloo’s mane. “C’mon, you can help me cut them up.”

Immediately regretting her decision to knock, Scootaloo now had no choice but to follow Twilight as she led her into the kitchen. The first thing Scootaloo noticed was the metal and wood contraption sitting on the dining table. A large, heavy-looking blade was suspended by a bit of rope and a small basket sat in front of it.

“So, uh, what’s that?” she asked, nodding towards the object.

Twilight’s eyes lit up. “Oh! That’s my miniature guillotine. We’re going to use it to cut these cucumbers.”

Scootaloo frowned. “Wouldn’t it be easier just to use a knife like a normal pony? You’ve got a perfectly good one sitting on the counter.”

“Well, yes, but I already had this up here from before, so I figured why not.”

As Twilight busied herself washing the cucumbers in the sink, Scootaloo examined the guillotine more closely. “It’s kinda small,” she noted.

“Yeah, well, so are mice.”

“I can barely fit my head in,” said Scootaloo as she tried to stick her head in the hole. As she tried to pull her head out, she realized she was stuck. Jerking her head back, she tried to rip it out, but all she succeeded in doing was loosening the blade, which slipped out of its hold and fell straight towards her neck.

Right before it hit, the blade was caught in a purple cloud and lifted back up. “Hey, watch you don’t lose your head, Scootaloo,” said Twilight, chuckling. With a bit of help from Twilight, Scootaloo managed to get free, and right after that, she had some recently-cleaned cucumbers shoved into her hooves. “Here,” Twilight said, “cut these up for me. I’m gonna go start the ghost stories with Applejack and Rarity.”

As Twilight walked out of the room, Scootaloo rubbed her neck sheepishly. “Heh, that was pretty close. Welp, let’s cut these things up.” She quickly got to work laying the cucumbers into the guillotine, sending the blade downwards to slice pieces off. Once she had one cucumber down, she was left with a basket full of cucumber slices.

Picking up the basket, Scootaloo felt a sudden sense of vertigo as she realized she’d accidentally stepped on a stray cucumber slice and her hooves were coming out from under her. She stumbled backwards, right into the counter where she hit her head against the wood, dazing her. Little birds were flying around her head as she lay on the ground, blocking her vision of the knife she’d just dislodged from its place.

Scootaloo barely had time to re-regret her decision to visit Twilight before the wide-bladed knife fell over the edge of the counter and came right down on her neck.

“...Standing right behind her… just inches away was…” Twilight paused for melodramatic effect. “The Headless—Scootaloo?”

Just as Twilight was finishing her story, Scootaloo’s body stumbled into the room, knocking over a few things since it couldn’t see where it was going. Rarity and Applejack screamed like the little fillies they were, but Twilight just threw her hooves up. “Scootaloo! You ruined the ending of the story. Ugh, now I have to start all over again.”

Scootaloo gurgled an apology.

“Well, it’s too late now, isn’t it?”

Realizing that the thing that had just bumbled its way into the room wasn’t the dreaded Headless Horse, but in fact Scootaloo’s decapitated body, Applejack let out a boisterous laugh. “Whoa nelly, you got us good there, Scoots. I guess it’s true what they say about headless chickens.”

Rarity groaned. “Do you have to be so crass? You’ve could’ve at least gone with a Louis XVI joke.”

It's a Wonderful Death (Bridle Gossip)

Scootaloo, as she was often wont to do when she was feeling particularly bored or brave—but mostly bored—was wandering through the Everfree forest. She jumped over a fallen log, scrambled through some brambles, and popped out in a clearing. Most of the forest was cast in shadowy darkness, even though it was midday, but right here the sun fell in great swaths of light that illuminated the forest floor.

A patch of blue flowers were growing around a pile of rocks that sat in the middle of the clearing. Scootaloo recognized them immediately. “Oh, right. Those are Poison Joke plants.”

They’d learned all about Poison Joke in class last year when Ms. Cheerilee went through her botany phase. It was basically the annoying friend everyone has of the plant world. Scootaloo rolled her eyes at the plant. Smirking, she turned away, determined not to let it prank her.

It was at that moment that Scootaloo realized the fatal error in her plan. Right as she turned around, she saw a pack of timberwolves surrounding her. She gave an exasperated sigh.

“Timberwolves? Really?”

The second word had barely left her lips when she was attacked by the wolves. Within a few seconds, she was completely dead, none of that ‘nearly’ dead nonsense. Her broken and maimed body lay out on the rocks surrounded by Poison Joke as the sun laughed derisively at her.

What happened next, Scootaloo could never have expected… because she was dead while it happened. A zebra who serendipitously was wandering through the forest came across Scootaloo’s dead body and hauled it back to her hut. Along the way, the zebra got caught up in an epic adventure that involved dragons, seaponies, prophecies, and giant mountain snakes, but since Scootaloo was dead, she had no idea about any of this. The first thing she did have an idea about was why she was in a cauldron when she woke up from being dead.

Scootaloo looked around the room she found herself in, utterly lost and confused. “What the…”

“Ah,” said a voice, “it appears you are awake. Perhaps you’d like me to bake you a cake?”

Spinning around, Scootaloo saw a zebra standing by a table covered in potions and potion ingredients. She was busy mixing up something in a bowl, but her eyes were on Scootaloo.

“I was asleep?” asked Scootaloo.

The zebra chuckled. “Well, no, dear pony, you were merely a phony.”

Scootaloo raised an eyebrow. “Uhh… what?”

Taking the bowl with her, the zebra approached Scootaloo and gave her a sweet smile. “You were dead when I found you, but the Poison Joke instead rebounded you.”

Scootaloo brought a hoof to her forehead, massaging her temple. “So, you’re saying the Poison Joke brought me back to life?”

The zebra smiled. “Indeed it did. Your death it did forbid.”

“Why are you rhyming everything?”

“It’s part of my heritage, don’t you see?” said the zebra, taking the bowl and pouring it into the cauldron Scootaloo was still inexplicably sitting in. “Where I grew up, all rhymed in three.”

Scootaloo’s eyebrow rose higher. “But you’re rhyming in couplets… poorly, I might add.”

“Don’t question my tradition, or I’ll send your life into remission.”

Her lips curling into a sour frown, Scootaloo groaned. “You’ve been doing this your whole life and you’re still this bad? Ugh.”

“What’s so bad about my rhymes? Are they not right on time?”

Scootaloo mimed dry-heaving into the cauldron she was in. “Seriously, who taught you? Get a friggin’ rhyming dictionary or something. This is just painful.”

The zebra’s eyes narrowed into thin slits. “You speak of pain, but you know not what you strain.”

“Oh, sweet Celestia… that one didn’t even make sense.” Scootaloo rolled her eyes as sarcastically as she could manage, which, unfortunately for her, meant she was too preoccupied with obtaining maximum sarcasm levels to notice the zebra’s hoof before it collided with the back of her head.

There came a knock at the door, just as the zebra was taking her first sip of stew. She looked over at the door, and said, “Come in, come in.”

As the door swung open, Apple Bloom trotted inside, closing the door behind her. “Were you even trying that time?” she asked, shrugging off the saddlebags around her back and pulling out a bag of mushrooms she had gathered. “I got everything you were looking for, Zecora. You gonna be able to make that potion for my sister and her friends now?”

Zecora set her stew aside and quickly gathered up all the mushrooms from Apple Bloom and set to work cutting them up. “The mushrooms were not for they, but instead because I was tired of hay.”

Apple Bloom grimaced, then, realizing what Zecora had said, sighed. “Wait, so you mean I gotta go back out there and get some more stuff?”

Zecora nodded. “Unless you want your sister to be forever small, the ingredients to me you will haul.”

“Fine. Fine. I’m going.”

“Good,” said Zecora, returning to her stew. “Leave me with my pony stew, and you go get those items few.”

“Uhh, you mean stew for ponies, right?” asked Apple Bloom, raising her eyebrow.

“Yes, Apple Bloom, if that is what you thought. It’s not as if I’ll be caught,” said Zecora, giving Apple Bloom a sly wink before she took a sip of stew, smacking her lips.

“Riiiiiight,” said Apple Bloom, backing away slowly. “I’m gonna go now. Bye.” And with that, she threw open the door and disappeared off into the forest, leaving Zecora by herself with her stew.

Licking her lips, Zecora brought the spoon to her snout. “Reminds me of my home,” she said. “Mother’s stew always had the best arom… a.” She frowned. “Maybe I should get a rhyming dictionary…”

Wicker 'Loo (Swarm of the Century)

Scootaloo was enjoying a jaunty stroll through the park when she happened to look up and see that the sky was blue. This may not seem like something she would note, but the sky wasn’t blue because that’s how it was normally. The sky was blue because there were hundreds of thousands of ‘things’ covering it. Scootaloo took a moment to appreciate this fact, slowly letting out a sigh, realizing that any minute now all hell was going to break loose, and then she continued on with her walk.

She counted down from ten in her head. By the time she reached one, ponies were running this way and that, screaming their heads off and flailing their limbs wildly. Scootaloo figured it was only a matter of time until either the town was in shambles, or a particularly large cloud of bugs swept her off her hooves and carried her somewhere far away. She wasn’t too concerned with which happened first.

Casually strolling along through the debris-strewn streets, and past hordes of screaming ponies, Scootaloo started to notice the bugs were ignoring her. They’d fly up, swarm around her a bit, and then disappear.

“Huh…” she mused aloud. “Guess I must be lucky or something.”

Just then, she heard a sound from behind her. She turned around and saw a pink mare headed towards her with a tuba on her back. She spotted Scootaloo spotting her, and waved her hoof, hurrying over to her as quickly as her legs could carry her.

She skidded to a halt in front of Scootaloo, grinning widely. “Hey! Can you play the tuba?”

Scootaloo raised an eyebrow. “Uhh… Why?”

The mare giggled, took the tuba off her back, and shoved it into Scootaloo’s hooves. “Silly goose, why isn’t an answer. Here, just take this and play it. I need you to help me with these parasprites.”

“Para-what?” said Scootaloo, examining her newly-gained instrument.

The mare waved her hoof at a passing cloud of bugs. “Those guys,” she said. “We gotta stop them before they eat everything.”

“And the tuba is useful because?”

She giggled again. “You just gotta trust me on this one, okay?”

Scootaloo frowned. “I’m not sure I do.”

“Just play the tuba and I’ll take care of everything else.”

“I don’t know how to play it,” said Scootaloo, looking at the utterly incomprehensible amalgamation of metal in her hooves. It looked like it’d been designed for an entirely different species, and there was no easy way to hold it.

“Oh, that’s easy,” said the mare. She pointed at a small mouthpiece near the back of the instrument. “You just put your lips on that and blow real hard. It’ll make a funny sound!”

Scootaloo eyed the mouthpiece suspiciously. “Well, if you say so. Here goes… I guess.”

Puckering up her lips, Scootaloo put her mouth around the tuba like it was meeting her after school on the playground after it told her it had a crush on her. She sucked in her breath, and started to blow as hard as she could. Well, she would’ve started to blow if sucking in all that air hadn’t also caused her to suck in a swarm of the parasprites that happened to be passing by.

She dropped the tuba, flailing around as the parasprites filled her mouth and started swarming all over her face. It was hard to tell what she was saying since her mouth was stuffed with bugs, but to the carefully-trained ear, it was clear that she was screaming: “Aaaah! Not the parasprites! Aaaah! They’re all in my eyes! Aaaah!” Which, really, wasn’t all that surprising of a thing to say given the circumstances.

As the mare watched Scootaloo slowly choking to death on the multi-colored bugs filling her throat, she jumped around on her tip-toes, unable to think of anything to do to help her. So, instead, she just watched in horror as the little filly’s eyes rolled back in her head, her flailing stopped, and then she fell to the ground. Before she could even begin to mourn, the bugs went into a frenzy, and mere seconds later Scootaloo’s body was naught but a pile of bones, laid out like the after-dinner leavings of some giant monster (or a bunch of little ones).

Looking over Scootaloo’s fallen body, the mare sighed. She bent down, picked up the tuba, and said, “Well, I guess this wasn’t your lucky day. Tu-bad for you!” Giggling, she trotted off into the distance, tuba strapped haphazardly to her back.

Les Scootérables (Winter Wrap Up)

“Ma! I’m heading out, all right?” Scootaloo was standing at the front door as she yelled to her mother in the other room. “The snow’s finally cleared up, so I’m gonna go hang out outside.”

Scootaloo could hear her mother shuffling around as she replied, “Make sure you’ve got your hat and scarf. I don’t want you getting hypothermia, or frostbite, or pneumonia… or the clap.”

“The what?”

“Nevermind! Just make sure to dress properly. And don’t talk to any strangers!”

Scootaloo waved her hoof, even though her mother couldn’t see it. “Don’t worry, Ma. I’ll be fine.” Throwing open the door, Scootaloo stepped out into the chill air, muttering, “Scarves are for babies and old ponies,” under her breath.

She took in a deep breath through her nose, relishing the feel of the crisp air in her lungs. Glancing up at the beautifully cloudless sky, she grinned. “Man, it feels so great to be out in this cold with no protective clothing. I feel something weird happening in my stomach.” She ran a hoof over her belly, trying to calm the family of butterflies that had recently taken up residence there. “What is this? It almost feels like… like I have to sing.” Her grin split into a wide smile. “Yeah! I feel it in my gut. A song’s coming on!”

As Scootaloo started skipping down the street, she felt as if some outside force was compelling her to sing. So, not wanting to give it any trouble, she obliged.

“Three days of homebound lameness
And not a friend to see.
Ma kept me by the fire
And stuffed me full of brie.
She doesn’t seem to understand.
No, she really doesn’t know.
I can’t stand to eat that cheese
Not since I’ve seen it grow.”

Scootaloo leapt on a nearby park bench, ignoring the cries of protest from the old stallion she was standing on.

“The time has come to set me free!
I’m sorry ‘bout your face.
You really probably should’ve sat
Way over there someplace.”

Grumbling, the crotchety old stallion stood up and hobbled away. Scootaloo shrugged, stepping off the bench.

“But now since that old man has gone
Oh, what am I to do?
Forget this scarf and lose this hat.
I’ll never get the flu!”

Scootaloo leapt into the air, tossing her scarf and hat to the side.

“Hats and scarves suck! Hats and scarves suck!
Don’t need anymore of that crap.
Hats and scarves suck! Hats and scarves suck!
Ain’t gonna be a cold snap.
Ain’t gonna be a cold snap!”

With her smile beaming like a lighthouse beacon, Scootaloo trotted through the town, waving at random ponies and giving strangers cheery winks. Most of them just looked away.

“Trottin’ down the southern street
A pegasus says hello.
Whoops, I forgot his name. Oh well
I guess I didn’t know.
I’ll look away
And pretend I didn’t see!
When he looks back up
I’ll be down another alley!”

She turned down a different street to avoid the nameless pegasus and jumped right back into the chorus.

“Hats and scarves suck! Hats and scarves suck!
Don’t need anymore of that crap.
Hats and scarves suck! Hats and scarves suck!
Ain’t gonna be a cold snap!
Hats and scarves suck! Hats and scarves suck!
Ain’t gonna be a cold snap!
Ain’t gonna be a cold snap!”

As Scootaloo skipped down the side street, she felt a gust of wind blow by. She shivered, suddenly feeling a bit cold.

“Feeling pretty temperate.
Actually, that is not right.
Pretty sure the word I want
Is chilled, cold, or ice.
Look, I know that that didn’t rhyme
But cut me some slack.
It’s hard coming up with this stuff
Without any feedback!”

Throwing her hooves wide, Scootaloo dove right into the chorus as she did a pirouette in the middle of the street. All the ponies passing by averted their gaze, or pretended not to notice.

“Hats and scarves suck! Hats and scarves suck!
Don’t need anymore of that crap.
Hats and scarves suck! Hats and scarves suck!
Ain’t gonna be a cold snap!
Hats and scarves suck! Hats and scarves suck!
Ain’t gonna be a cold snap!
Ain’t gonna be a cold snap!”

Coming out of the chorus, Scootaloo fluttered her wings, making her hop just a bit, before she continued on walking. She wandered off towards the park, still caught in the song, though all the while feeling a nagging feeling in the back of her mind.

“It’s starting to get a bit cold.
Wish I still had that hat.
Well, hypothermia
Gotta be better than that.
Frostbite, cold sore, pneumonia
Influenza too!
Things like this’ll never stop me.
Won’t ever see me blue!”

Just as Scootaloo was about to start the chorus again, she was wracked by a fit of coughing. She was doubled over a nearby trashcan, hacking her lungs into it. When she finally had calmed down, Scootaloo muttered to herself, “Maybe we’ll skip the chorus this time…” Of course that didn’t stop her from moving on to the next verse, although she was admittedly a bit more lethargic this time around.

“Now that I know Ma was right
I gotta get back home
And maybe find that hat and scarf.
I don’t have long to roam.
How will I make it without them?
Survive with all my limbs?
I can’t be a cripple, so I must
Sing a few more hymns!
Sing a few more hymns!”

Reaching what she was increasingly sure would be her last chorus, Scootaloo started dragging herself along the ground, no longer able to walk. Darkness closed in all around her as she managed to squeeze out a few more bars.

“Hats and scarves rock… Hats and scarves rock…
Probably shoulda kept mine on.
Hats and scarves rock… Hats and scarves rock…
Won’t be another song.
Hats and scarves rock… Hats and scarves rock...
Won’t be another song.
Won’t be another song.
Won’t be… another…

Scootaloo never finished the last word. She died of hypothermia before she could finish. And somewhere deep in her subconscious, in the far reaches or her mind, she could hear her mother’s voice echoing. “This is why you always listen to your mother.” Then she died in the middle of a crowded street with no one really paying much attention.

I Scoot on Your Grave (Call of the Cutie)

Author's Note

This chapter was guest written by my friend, Burraku_Pansa.

I Scoot on Your Grave (Call of the Cutie)

“Pleeeease?” Scootaloo put on the most pathetic, love-starved face all those hard lessons learned on the streets had taught her. “I promise that nothing bad’s gonna happen.”

Sweetie Belle’s mom looked at the grinning filly on her doorstep and sighed. “I know if I say ‘no’, you’ll just climb the tree to get to her window and wind up breaking your li’l neck, won’tcha?”

Scootaloo nodded, still smiling brightly.

“All the same, then, s’pose we might as well cut out the middlemare.” Sweetie’s mom stepped out of the way, and Scootaloo all but dashed inside. “Hold on, now!”

Scootaloo froze in her tracks—her raised hoof was inches from a discarded rollerskate, and there was a nice, snug distance between her head and the bottom stair. She turned and said, “Hey, thanks, Mrs. Gem! That was a clo—”

“Just wanted to give you a new rule,” the mare said, already trotting back over to her waiting sofa. “Two hooflengths away from Sweetie at all times, minimum.” She sat and levitated the morning paper, finding her place. Her eyes flicked over to the window in the meantime. “Nice day out today, and that means a heavy piano, or a teeny, you-sized earthquake, or a cloud to drown in—I don’t want her near you when you get up to your nonsense.”

“Yes’m,” said Scootaloo, and she headed up the stairs.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo walked along the street, the buildings getting more commercial as they neared Ponyville’s center. Scootaloo was waving a forehoof about as she went. “All I’m saying is your mom overreacts. How many have there been today? One. And it was just a kinderklavier! I barely felt it.” She set her hoof back down, limping on it but totally not a lot.

Sweetie raised an eyebrow, saying, “But we only left my house five minutes ago.”

“Whatever,” said Scootaloo, eyes a’rolling. “Just don’t turn out like her when you get older, all bossy and tense over nothing. Promise?”

Sweetie Belle lowered her head, staring at the cobblestones passing by beneath her hooves. “Please tell me you didn’t come get me so you could spend all day saying mean things about ponies’ parents again…”

“Oh, right, no. That was a nice angle, but I don’t think I’m that great at pretending I’m bitter and jealous.” Sugarcube Corner came into view around the bend. Scootaloo nudged Sweetie and pointed towards it. “No, today we’re heading there. Know how Rainbow Dash promised to hang out with me today?”

“Um…” said Sweetie, scratching her head. “No?”

“Well, she did.” Scootaloo grit her teeth. “And who should I find with Rainbow when I get there but some other random filly. I followed them around for a while, and they were doing loads of stuff—kite-flying, karatsume, hang gliding, you name it. They finished up right before I came to get you, and the filly went off with Pinkie to Sugarcube Corner.”

Sweetie said, “So what are we doing here? Did you want to talk to her and ask what trick she pulled to get Rainbow Dash to give her an ounce of attention?”

Scootaloo chuckled just the way Ms. Cheerilee always did whenever the filly tried to give an answer in class. “Don’t be a foal. We’re gonna stake her out some more and then get some revenge.”

Reaching Sugarcube Corner, the pair pushed through the door to find a party in full swing. Guests were mingling and trying their hooves at party games, sweets littered tables that peppered the room, the gramophone was pumping out a child’s idea of good music, and a blindfolded colt with a club in his teeth was taking very dramatic swings in the opposite direction of the traditional barren bum piñata that hung nearby.

“Oh yeah,” said Sweetie. “Diamond Tiara’s cuteceñera was today, wasn’t it?”

Scootaloo’s hoof shot up towards a bow-clad little earth pony on the other side of the room. “That’s her! C’mon, let’s hide.” She grabbed Sweetie Belle’s hoof and dashed over to a nearby table, ducking under it.

“Wait a minute…” Sweetie Belle narrowed her eyes at their target. “I think I recognize her. Wasn’t she there with us at the Summer Sun Celebration? With the lightning?”

“Who cares?” said Scootaloo, angling her head this way and that to keep the filly in view beyond the swarming legs. “Just keep your eyes open for a way to put her in her pl—Oh, whoa, something’s happening.”

The record on the gramophone had just scratched to a halt, and the little earth pony was being confronted by two other fillies Scootaloo knew to be Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, who suck something fierce. The pair of them were saying something Scootaloo couldn’t hear, capping it off with an obnoxious, singsongy “blank flank.”

Those words. Scootaloo saw the bow-clad filly’s empty rump and put the picture together—this was just another filly made to suffer over something she couldn’t help, and at the hooves of the very same bullies Scootaloo had bravely tried to think up a decent comeback to for years. It had to end.

Calling to mind all the hurt and summoning every ounce of fury in her soul, Scootaloo emerged from the table and shouted proudly, “You got a problem with bl—”

A meaty thwack rang out.

“Woo!” yelled the blindfolded colt, setting about freeing his eyes. “I hit… Wait, where’s the candy?”

Run, Scootaloo, Run (Fall Weather Friends)

“Oh, hey!” said Scootaloo suddenly.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, who were walking slightly ahead of her, stopped, looked back at her, and raised their eyebrows. “Umm, yes?” said Sweetie Belle slowly.

“Isn’t today that Running of the Leaves thing?” Scootaloo asked, her eyes wide with excitement.

Apple Bloom nodded. “Yup, that’s today. Applejack said she was gonna outrun Rainbow Dash if her life depended on it. Something about preserving the family honor, or whatever.”

“When I asked Rarity if she was going to run, she just laughed and laughed until I left,” said Sweetie Belle with a shrug.

“Yeah, but who cares about that? You said Rainbow Dash was running, right?” Scootaloo looked expectantly at Apple Bloom.

“That’s what Applejack told me,” said Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo’s wings fluttered unconsciously as her face lit up. “Awesome! Why aren’t we going to go watch right now?”

“Uhh… well, we are,” Sweetie Belle pointed out, indicating the haphazardly-placed sign that showed quite clearly they were headed towards the starting position for the competition. “Remember? We all agreed to go watch the race since Applejack was in it.”

“I thought that was a joke…”

Apple Bloom’s face scrunched up. “Why would that be a joke?”

“Well, I mean,” said Scootaloo, awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. “It’s Applejack. But since Rainbow Dash is gonna be there. Well, that changes everything.”

Apple Bloom cocked her head to the side. “I still don’t see how—”

“Nevermind that,” said Scootaloo, waving her hoof dismissively. “I’ve got an idea for how we can watch the race.”

“Yeah, so do I,” said Sweetie Belle in sweet, yet sarcastic, tone. “All we have to do is go to the starting line.”

“But then we’ll only see the beginning of the race, and that’s lame.” Scootaloo smirked confidently. She jabbed a hoof over her shoulder towards Whitetail Woods. “See that? They’re gonna pass through there at some point, right? So, I say we go find a place to hang out and wait for them to pass.”

Apple Bloom shrugged. “I don’t think we’re supposed to, but forget the rules. They’re dumb anyway.”

“That’s the spirit!” Scootaloo gave Apple Bloom a rough pat on the back. “Let’s go break some rules!”

As Scootaloo and Apple Bloom jumped in the air, clapping their hooves together, Sweetie Belle just sighed and shook her head. “Simpletons.”

“I still don’t get why we’re hiding, though.”

Scootaloo groaned. “For the bajillionth time, Bloom, we’re hiding because we’re breaking the rules by being here, remember?” Leaning herself against the tree trunk that was hidden behind a bush they’d found a little while ago, Scootaloo took a moment to look around at the autumn leaves as they fell lazily to the ground. “Huh, I didn’t expect it to be so pretty out here,” she said.

“Why not?” asked Sweetie Belle. She lay in a pile of leaves on her back, hooves outstretched as she watched clouds pass by. “It’s always like this during fall.”

“I guess I just never really noticed…” Scootaloo trailed off, her gaze wandering around the woods.

“Okay, but still though,” said Apple Bloom, her head poking through the bush as she watched for the racers coming down the path. “Why here? It’s kinda hard to see.”

Scootaloo sighed. “Look, from here, we can watch them up close as they pass. It doesn’t get much more awesome than that. Just trust me, all right?”

“What did you mean you never noticed?” asked Sweetie Belle, suddenly sitting up.

Glancing over at her friend, Scootaloo shrugged. “I’ve never really had a reason to come up here before. None of my friends ever wanted to do this kind of stuff.” She chuckled. “I guess it’s kinda nice having friends like—”

“Oh! Here they come!” Apple Bloom cried in her loudest whisper.

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle quickly scrambled to join Apple Bloom at the bush. Peering through it, they saw dust being kicked up into the air as some racers came down the track.

“I bet AJ’s gonna be in first place,” said Apple Bloom.

“Nah, it’s totally gonna be Rainbow Dash. She’s way faster,” Scootaloo retorted.

However, it was neither of them. The first few ponies that passed were neither Applejack, nor Rainbow Dash, and neither were the few after them. After waiting a bit longer, the group had passed, and a single pony could be seen making her way down the track. Scootaloo recognized her immediately.

“There’s Rainbow!” she whispered loudly. “Wait… why’s she stopping?”

“And where the heck’s Applejack?” asked Apple Bloom. “I don’t see her anywhere.”

Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow. “Uhh, looks like Rainbow Dash is about to cheat.” She pointed her hoof towards where Rainbow had taken a branch from a tree and bent it away from the track. “Here comes Applejack. She’s definitely about to cheat.”

Before anyone else could say anything, Scootaloo burst from the bush and ran towards Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow, wait!” she yelled. “Let me hit Applejack!”

But, it was too late. By the time Scootaloo had reached Rainbow, she’d already released the branch, causing it to fling forward, smack Applejack in the face, and, simultaneously, hit Scootaloo who had tried to dive in front of the branch.

Sweetie Belle winced. “Ouch. Looks like Scootaloo’s blasting off ag—Wait, no, she was just impaled. Nevermind.”

“She’s gonna be okay, right?” asked Apple Bloom, a semi-worried look on her face.

“Yeah, she’ll shake it off. Right, Scootaloo?” Sweetie Belle called, now that Applejack and Rainbow Dash were gone.

Scootaloo’s limp body, hung out like a hotdog over a campfire, did not respond.

“She’ll be fine.”

Big Trouble in Little Ponyville (Feeling Pinkie Keen)

“So, what is it I’m supposed to be doing again?” asked Scootaloo as she trotted alongside Fluttershy with baskets full of frogs slung across her back.

Fluttershy smiled. “Oh, we’re just giving the cute little frogs here a new home.” She nuzzled a frog that poked its head out of the basket hung around Fluttershy’s neck. “I couldn’t bear to see them being so cramped and crowded in their old home.”

Scootaloo’s lips curled into a frown. “It’s a forcible eviction, then?”

“No, no, no, they wanted to leave,” Fluttershy said in her saccharine tone. “They were practically begging me to take them with me when I went to visit them.”

“Well, I was there too, and it looked like they were trying as hard as they could to not leave.” Scootaloo caught a frog just as it tried to jump out of her basket with her wing, stuffing it back inside hastily.

Fluttershy rounded on Scootaloo, her smile betrayed by her cold eyes. “They wanted to leave, okay? These frogs had to leave. I’m just doing what’s best for them.”

Scootaloo tried to look away from Fluttershy, but something about the sheer force of will in her look kept her from averting her gaze. “I’m just asking if you really know what’s best for a bunch of stupid frogs.”

Flaring her wings out, Fluttershy drew herself up, standing over Scootaloo like some monolithic behemoth. “Fluttershy always knows what’s best.”

Scootaloo held up her hooves. “Whoa, calm down there, Colonel Jessep. Forget I asked.”

Satisfied, Fluttershy returned to her normal, sunshiny self and the two ponies continued along with their walk. They trotted in silence for a few minutes, then Scootaloo finally broke the unspoken agreement to shut the hell up and asked, “So, what is it we’re doing again?”

Fluttershy sighed, glancing over at Scootaloo. “We’re taking these frogs to their new home in Froggy Bottom Bog.”

“Oh, I getcha.” Scootaloo nodded. “If I’d known we were taking these little dudes to a place with a bunch of other frogs, I wouldn’t’ve said anything.”

“Weeeeeeeeeell…”

“What?”

Fluttershy gulped, shooting a quick glance into the basket of frogs under her snout. “They probably can’t understand what we’re saying anyway, so I guess I’ll tell you the truth.”

Scootaloo’s eyes narrowed. “The truth?”

“So, it’s called Froggy Bottom Bog, but…” Fluttershy trailed off as the two ponies passed through a bit of underbrush and into bog.

“But?” Scootaloo asked. But before she could even sarcastically ask “but?” again, she looked up to see a massive four-headed beast towering over her. So large was it that the shadow it cast covered Scootaloo completely. Really, though, that could be said of a lot of things, so it wasn’t that impressive. However, this gargantuan monster wasn’t just Rainbow Dash flying in front of the sun, no, this was was a real, live, actual monster, and it was currently growling at Scootaloo.

Springing into action, Scootaloo bucked off the frog baskets and jumped in front of Fluttershy. “Don’t worry!” she cried. “I’ll protect you.” Scootaloo fluttered her tiny wings and started bouncing around on her back hooves while holding up her forehooves to the hydra. “Put up your dukes, Lamenaean Hydra.” Scootaloo whispered out of the corner of her mouth to Fluttershy. “Run while you’ve got the chance. I’ll keep this doofus occupied.” She jabbed a few times. “You don’t wanna tussle with these babies,” she said. “I call ‘em the First and Second Labors, and they don’t take ‘No, don’t hit me!’ for an answer.”

Fluttershy didn’t move. She just stared in disbelief at the filly barely half her size standing there like she was going to take on a two-hundred foot tall hydra by herself. “Uhh, Scootaloo…”

Scootaloo shot a look at Fluttershy. “I told you to get—Whoa!”

During her show of bravado, Scootaloo had inadvertently loosened the bank she was standing on and caused herself to tumble into the bog. Splashing around, she flailed like a fish out of water, calling for help. “I can’t swim!”

Fluttershy pursed her lips. “It’s only a foot or so deep. You can probably just stand.”

Scootaloo stopped waving her hooves like a lunatic, and stood still. And in fact, Fluttershy was right. She was only up to her waist in mud now. “Oh, that’s easy.”

“Of course,” Fluttershy added, stopping Scootaloo just before she tried to move, “it is a bog sitting on quicksand, so you’re probably still in trouble.”

It was then that Scootaloo noticed the mud was slowly making its way further up her body, and was now almost up to her neck. She grit her teeth. “Man, I really thought I was gonna be fine this time.” She sighed. “Well, can you tell me one thing before I die?”

“There’s a vine right here I can use to—”

“Just leave it,” Scootaloo said, shaking her head. “It’s not worth it. Just tell me… what are we doing here again?”

Fluttershy took a deep breath. “Well, my adorable little hydra friend here has a strict diet of frogs only. He’s a big fan of cuisses de grenouille.”

“So the frogs weren’t being relocated?”

“Only to Mr. Cuddlebuns’ stomach.”

Scootaloo sighed, shaking her head slowly. “I can’t believe I’m gonna die for this.”

Giving Scootaloo a solemn look as she sunk beneath the bog, Fluttershy muttered, “Forget it, Scootaloo. It’s Froggy Bottom Bog.” Then she shifted her gaze to the hydra. “And you,” she said, pointing her hoof. “What are you doing? You know you’re not supposed to come out until Twilight gets here, remember? We’re supposed to be helping Pinkie trick her.”

The hydra growled.

“Honestly, Mr. Cuddlebuns, what ever am I going to do with you?”

No Country for Young Ponies (Sonic Rainboom)

It was a dark and stormy midafternoon, and Scootaloo was looking wistfully out a rain-streaked window. Suddenly she felt a hoof shaking her vigorously.

“Scootaloo,” said Sweetie Belle as she rattled Scootaloo like she was looking for loose change. “What are you doing?”

Scootaloo blinked a few times. “Oh, sorry, I was thinking about lame it is when you see characters staring out windows in books and stuff.”

“My sis says it’s a good narrative technique,” said Apple Bloom.

“Yeah, but that’s Applejack. I don’t think she even knows how to read.” Scootaloo waved her hoof dismissively. “Anyway, we should probably head somewhere else for now. Looks they're brewing up a storm for later,” she said, pointing her hoof towards the ceiling where black clouds were being gathered.

““We’ve still got the whole rest of the factory to explore," said Sweetie Belle.

“Yup!” chirped Scootaloo. “And Twilight said the spell she cast on you guys so you could walk in Cloudsdale would only last twelve hours, so we gotta get moving.”

Nodding in unison, the three fillies left the storm section of the weather factory and began to wander around. As they passed by a worker pushing a wheelbarrow, Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow.

“What’s that guy doin’?” she asked.

Scootaloo glanced over to the pegasus. “Oh, him? He’s probably taking that to the rainbow machine.”

“So it’s, like, rainbow ingredients and stuff?”

Sweetie Belle thumped Apple Bloom on the back of the head. “Rainbow’s aren’t made of ingredients, stupid. They’re made from the refraction of light through moisture in the air.”

Apple Bloom rubbed the back of her head, shooting a glare at Sweetie Belle. “What am I, a meteorologist?”

“No, you’re not,” said Scootaloo, interjecting, “but you were right that those were ingredients for making rainbows.”

Sweetie Belle was taken aback. “Wait, what?”

Scootaloo nodded. “Yep. I can show you how they make them if you want.”

Apple Bloom’s eyes lit up. “Oh, really? Cool! Let’s go.”

“All right, let’s head over there then,” said Scootaloo, turning in the direction of the rainbow section of the factory.

Sweetie Belle trailed a bit behind, muttering under her breath, “I’ll never understand pegasi.”

By the time they got to their destination, they could see the Best Young Flyers competition was well underway out the window. Ponies were whizzing by, doing flips and other silly nonsense.

“Here we are,” said Scootaloo, splaying out her hooves.

A pair of ponies stood by a big machine that they were dumping a container into, and a few other ponies were standing by a trough the large machine emptied into. Rainbow-colored liquid poured out of it and into the trough where it flowed down a series of more troughs and eventually into a massive vat.

“Whoa…” Apple Bloom breathed. “This is pretty cool, ain’t it?”

Scootaloo shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. The real cool thing is how they make the rainbows though.”

“And how do they do that?” Sweetie Belle asked pointedly.

Scootaloo smirked. “This is a pretty big secret, so you can’t tell anypony else, but…” She glanced back and forth between Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. “Here’s how they do it.” She grabbed the two of them by the hoof and hurried them along towards where the big machine was.

As they watched the two worker pegasus lift another container and dump it into the machine, Sweetie Belle could’ve sworn she saw a hoof before it disappeared into the pit.

“Wait a second,” said Sweetie, taking a few steps back. “Those aren’t—”

“Foals?” Scootaloo said, casting Sweetie a knowing look. “Nah, that’d be weird, and probably illegal. Actually, it’s corpses.”

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were dumbfounded, their mouths hung open. After a moment, Sweetie finally managed to say, “Corpses?”

Scootaloo nodded. “Yep. See, next door there’s a mortuary, and it turns out that ponies make pretty good rainbow juice. They used to use live ponies, but then the unions stepped in and said it wasn’t ‘moral’ or whatever.”

Apple Bloom shook her head. “My sis always told me to never trust unions.”

“I feel like we’re all missing the point here,” said Sweetie Belle, frowning.

At that moment, Scootaloo happened to look out the window again and saw a familiar blue streak rocketing up into the sky. “Oh, look!” she said, causing Sweetie and Apple Bloom to turn around.

“Is that Rainbow Dash?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Sure looks like it,” Sweetie remarked. “Wonder what she’s doing?”

“Hang on a sec,” said Scootaloo. “It looks like she’s turning around. Wait.” Her eyes went wide. “Is she about to do what I think she’s about to do?”

“What’s that?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“A sonic—”

BOOM!

The whole factory shook, an explosion rocking the foundations. A wave of color washed over the factory, emanating from Rainbow Dash as she dove through the air. Scootaloo was knocked off balance by the blast and stumbled backwards into the machine where she tripped on a stray bone that had fallen out the container and tumbled backwards into the pit.

As she slid down into the gaping maw of the grinder, she only had time to think to herself, “Friggin’ Rainbow Dash…” and then the grinder caught her leg.

Seconds later, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom had righted themselves and were met with looks of horror from the two ponies working at the machine.

“Did she just…” said one.

“I’m gettin’ outta here!” cried the other. And before Sweetie or Apple Bloom could say anything, the two ponies threw off their work clothes and bolted out the now-shattered window.

Apple Bloom watched as what remained of Scootaloo trickled out of the machine. “Thinks she’s gonna make a pretty rainbow?”

Sweetie Belle considered this for a moment, then shook her head. “Probably not.”

Scootaloo Dies at the End (Stare Master)

“So, lemme get this straight. We’re Cutie Mark Crusaders Chicken Rescuers, right?”

Sweetie Belle regarded Scootaloo with a look one might give to child who just spent the last twenty minutes kicking the back of your seat, and then, once you’ve turned around to confront the child, pretends like they don’t know what you’re talking about. Needless to say, it was a very annoyed look. “Yes,” she said, “we’re going to rescue Fluttershy’s chicken that got loose.”

“How do you even tighten a chicken?” asked Apple Bloom.

Both Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo ignored her.

“I mean, it seemed like a good idea at the time,” said Scootaloo, “but now I’m starting to wonder what a chicken-rescuing cutie mark would even look like, and if I’d even want one. Like, who wants to rescue chickens for their whole life?”

Sweetie Belle sighed. “Look, it’s not so much that we actually want chicken-rescuing to be our cutie mark. It’s more the cathartic feeling we get from simply trying to further ourselves toward a goal, while ignoring obvious clues that would lead us to our real talents along the way. Remember,” she said, “we’re just dumb kids, and we’re easily distracted, so it makes sense that we’d jump at the opportun—Look!”

Sweetie Belle’s hoof suddenly shot out as she pointed at a bush rustling in the distance. It rustled a few more times, drawing the other ponies’ attention.

“Wh-what do you think it is?” asked Scootaloo, shivering more from the cold than fear.

Apple Bloom cracked her knuckles, or she would have if that were possible for horses. It was more of a symbolic gesture than anything. “I don’t know, but I’mma go in there and beat it up. That’s what Applejack would do.”

Sweetie Belle looked over at Apple Bloom. “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. Do you just do whatever your sister does?”

Apple Bloom shrugged. “I think that’s just so supposed to be my character, or somethin’. I seem to change every other day, so I dunno.”

“Uhh, guys,” said Scootaloo, tapping the two fillies on the shoulder. “Did you forget about the monster in the bush?” She pointed to the bush as it started to rustle again, and more vigorously this time.

“I swear, if a something stupid like bunny rabbit jumps out I’m quitting this story,” said Sweetie Belle with an exaggerated roll of her eyes.

“Doesn’t look like any rabbit I ever saw,” said Scootaloo. “It’s too big. I bet it’s a—” She cut herself off mid sentence as the beast leapt from the bush. “Werewolf?”

The werewolf gave a howl that would’ve chilled the bones of a frozen skeleton, then stared straight at the fillies, its yellow eyes glowing in the dark.

“Huh,” said Sweetie Belle, pursing her lips. “I wasn’t expecting that. I’d run if I were you, Scootaloo. I’d bet all Rarity’s money it’s going to go after you.”

Scootaloo blew a raspberry while waving her hoof dismissively. “Nah, he’s too nice to do that. Right, boy?” Approaching the werewolf, Scootaloo reached up and began scratching behind its ear. It thumped its foot gleefully, then gave another howl and ran away. “Told ya,” said Scootaloo smugly.

“I wouldn’t get too cocky if I were you,” said Sweetie Belle, equally smugly, as she nodded at the bush that had started rustling again.

Scootaloo glanced at the bush. She looked back at Sweetie Belle. “Twenty bits says this time it’s an oliphant.”

Apple Bloom raised her eyebrow. “An oli-what?”

Sweetie Belle laughed. “Just because your fancy talking money told you that, doesn’t meant it’s going to be true. There’s no way something as big as an oliphant could hide in that—Oh sweet Celestia.”

Sweetie Bell’s eyes went wide as a massive oliphant rose from behind the bush. It stood at least a hundred and fifty feet tall, and its massive tusks knocked down trees left and right. As it bellowed a somber call, the oliphant lumbered off into the forest.

Scootaloo smirked. She held out her hoof. “That’ll be twenty bits.”

Grumbling, Sweetie Belle fished around in her pockets, which she totally has by the way, for the money, then handed it over to Scootaloo begrudgingly. “How’d you know it was going to be an oliphant?” she asked.

Scootaloo counted out the bits to herself. Once she was satisfied, she shot Sweetie Belle a smug grin and touched her forehead with a hoof, saying, “I’m psychic.”

Apple Bloom frowned. “I thought y’all needed a doctorate for that?”

“No, that’s psychology, Bloom,” said Scootaloo with a roll of her eyes. “I can predict the future is what I’m saying.”

“Oh yeah?” said Sweetie Belle, walking over to Scootaloo and poking a hoof into her chest.” Prove it. How are you gonna die this time?”

Scootaloo’s lips tugged into a grin, and she leaned against a nearby tree branch. “I won’t,” she said.

“Won’t say how?”

“Won’t die.”

Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow. “How do you know that?”

“Because Fluttershy’s going to save us,” said Scootaloo with a smirk. She tapped her forehead again. “I’ve seen it.”

“Mhmm,” said Sweetie Belle, nodding her head slowly. “So does that mean we’re done here?”

“Yep,” Scootaloo chirped.

“Well then…” Sweetie Belle said, shrugging. “I guess this chapter’s over. So long, farewell, aufiderzein, goodbye.”

“Sayonara, suckers,” said Apple Bloom, waving at no one in particular.

Scootaloo then saluted, said, “Peace out, fools,” and the three fillies continued on with their mission of finding Elizabeak like nothing had happened.

Author's Note

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, but after all this happened, when Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom were walking home with Rarity after being picked up in the morning, Scootaloo was stung by a bee because she thought it'd be funny to swat at the hive. Well, I say "bee", but it was actually several bees. She was stung over six dozen times, so even if her anaphylaxis hadn't killed her, the immense amount of poison in her body surely would have done the job.

It's worth noting that Sweetie Belle got the last laugh when, as she watched her friend suffocate from her throat swelling up, she said, "Didn't see that one coming, did you?"

Das Scoot (Show Stoppers)

The gentle doldrums of the radar pinging filled the bridge where Scootaloo sat bolt upright in a high-backed chair and issued orders to Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. Right now, though, she was merely watching with detached interest the underwater landscape pass by before her eyes. Fish approached the undersea vessel, saw the lights, and then scurried away like rats. Except… rats didn’t live underwater.

“First Mate Belle!” Scootaloo shouted.

Sweetie Belle swiveled in her chair to face Scootaloo. “Yes, Captain?”

Scootaloo pointed to a school of fish that swam up to the viewport on the bridge, and then, just as quickly, swam away. “These fish. How would you describe their scurrying? Like what?”

Sweetie Belle glanced over to the viewport. “Um, like fish,Captain.”

“Mm, like fish,” mused Scootaloo, stroking her chin. She nodded, putting her hooves on the armrests of the chair and thrusting herself up. “Yes, that will have to do.” She turned to Apple Bloom. “Officer Bloom, any sign yet of the city?”

Apple Bloom scratched her head. “What exactly are we lookin’ for again?”

Scootaloo sighed, rolling her eyes. “Remember? We’re trying to get our explorer cutie marks, so we have to find the lost city of Atlaslantis.”

Sweetie Belle frowned, furrowing her brow. “I don’t think that’s right.”

Jerking her head towards Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo’s eyes went wide. She jabbed a hoof into her chest and said, “Who’s the captain here? Don’t answer that. I am. I’m the captain. We decided it when we started, so now you have to do what I say.”

“Actually, pretty sure we decided that Sweetie was gonna be captain,” said Apple Bloom. “But then she said she didn’t want to be.”

“Right,” said Scootaloo wagging her hoof. “And when I took over as captain, I called no take-backsies, so now I’m captain for life. Or at least until we get bored.”

Sweetie Belle turned her chair away from Scootaloo, mumbling, “I’m already bored.”

“I heard that!” Scootaloo shouted, pointing an accusing hoof at Sweetie Belle. “I won’t tolerate insubordination on my vessel! Officer Bloom, escort First Mate Sweetie Belle to the brig post haste.”

“We don’t really have a brig,” said Apple Bloom.

“Well, what do we have?”

Sweetie Belle sighed. “Nothing. We have nothing. This isn’t even a real ship. We’re just pretending.” Sweetie Belle waved her hoof around at the plank of wood they were floating on. “We’re not even underwater.”

Scootaloo threw her hooves into the air. “Well, great. Fantastic. You ruined our Submarine of the Imagination, Sweetie Belle. I hope you’re happy. Now the Naughtylus will never reach the lost city of Atlaslantis,” she groaned.

“Okay, now I’m definitely sure that’s not right,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Hey, guys,” said Apple Bloom, pointing her hoof past Sweetie and Scootaloo. “I know we’re supposed to be imagining things, but is that made up too?”

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo slowly turned around. Their eyes went wide as they saw a massive squid flailing its tentacles at them and hissing, which Sweetie Belle was fairly certain squids didn’t actually do.

Scootaloo whipped back around. “Okay, which one of you went inside the sphere?”

Sweetie Belle shrugged. “Don’t look at me.”

“I don’t even know what a sphere is,” said Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo massaged her temple, then said, “Well, either way, I guess we better ABANDON SHIP!” She suddenly threw herself over the side and into the lake, kicking her legs furiously as she tried to swim away. “Everypony for themselves!”

Sweetie Belle was about to warn Scootaloo that the squid was right behind her, but by the time she opened her mouth, it was too late. She stopped, her hoof half-raised. “Well, shoot.”

“Shouldn’t we, y’know, help her?” asked Apple Bloom, her eyebrow raised.

Scootaloo was gesticulating wildly, throwing her body left and right as the squid wrapped its tentacles around her. “Oh, sweet Celestia! It’s eating my legs! Help!”

Sweetie Belle considered the situation for a moment, then shook her head. “No, I think Captain Scootaloo would’ve wanted it this way. The captain always goes down with the squid.”

“I don’t think—”

Sweetie Belle threw her hooves into the air in a dramatic display that even Rarity would’ve been proud of. “Oh, it was her own ambition that got the best of her in the end.” She shook her hoof angrily. “Damn you, Squid Dick—Wait, Moby Squid! Damn you to hell!” Sweetie Belle fell to her hooves and pounded the plank of wood like she’d just washed up on a beach.

Apple Bloom watched as Scootaloo, her cries now silenced by the tentacle covering her mouth, slowly sunk beneath the lake’s surface. She then looked over to Sweetie Belle and frowned. “What the heck’s goin’ on with everypony today?”

Reservoir (Diamond) Dogs (A Dog and Pony Show)

“All right, so basically you just want me to help you capture and/or maim Rarity, right?” Scootaloo cast a quick glance over her shoulder to the diamond dog who was standing behind her.

The dog nodded. “Yes, pony. We catch the white pony, and you get gems, yes?”

Peering through the bush, Scootaloo watched as Spike dug into the ground where Rarity had just indicated. He pulled out a handful of gems with a greedy look in his eye. Scootaloo smirked, “You can keep the gems. I just want capture and/or maim Rarity. My chest still hurts from where she tore my heart out.”

The diamond dog arched an eyebrow. “In love with older pony?”

Scootaloo shot him a horrified look. “What? No, I meant literally. Have you been reading my diary?” She shook her head. “Nevermind. As long as I get to help you capture and/or maim Rarity, that’s all I care about.”

A long, drawn out, and over-exaggerated, groan came from behind Scootaloo. Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes, saying, “For the last time… we’re not maiming my sister.”

Scootaloo spun around. “She maimed me!”

“Yeah, but she doesn’t get do-overs.”

Scootaloo sighed. “Ugh, fine. We’ll just capture her.”

The diamond dog, without saying anything, looked back and forth between Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle while shaking his head.

“And just to make sure we’re clear,” added Sweetie Belle, tilting her head to the side a bit, “you’re not allowed to hurt Rarity, okay?”

“Yes, yes, little pony,” said the diamond dog. “We make her dig, but we don’t hurt her.”

“All right, good.”

Scootaloo frowned, leaning in towards Sweetie Belle. “I get why I want to get back at Rarity, but why are you helping these dudes?”

Sweetie Belle let out a soft sigh. “Well, look, I felt kinda bad about tricking you into getting your heart torn out, so I figured I’d help get revenge.”

“Aren’t you worried about Rarity being taken prisoner?”

Sweetie Belle laughed, waving her hoof dismissively. “Please, like they’re going to keep her prisoner for more than five minutes. Have you ever been trapped in a room with her?”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Just the once…”

“Trust me,” said Sweetie Belle, turning her attention to Rarity and Spike, “she’ll be fine.”

Scootaloo wiped her brow, grinning like an idiot. “Welp, took a bit of work, but we managed to get Rarity.” She turned to the diamond dogs that were gathered around her. “Guess this is goodbye, fellas. Been nice workin’ with ya.” She glanced over at Sweetie Belle. “Sweetie?”

Sweetie Belle nodded. “Let’s get out of here. Celestia forbid if Rarity finds out were a part of this.” She shuddered.

As the two fillies started to walk away, one of the diamond dogs held out a paw. “Wait, little ponies. We’re not done yet.”

Scootaloo turned back around, raising an eyebrow. “We’re not?”

The diamond dog grinned wickedly at her. He motioned to the two dogs standing next to him. “Not quite.”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes went wide as she shouted, “Scootaloo! Look ou—” But everything went black before she finished.

A few hours later, when Scootaloo started to regain consciousness, slowly but surely, she realized that they were still in the same place that they had been before: the middle of nowhere. She forced herself up and saw Sweetie Belle lying next to her. Placing a hoof on her shoulder, she woke Sweetie Belle.

“Buh… huh?” Sweetie glanced around, saw Scootaloo, and immediately shouted, “I had nothing to do with it this time.”

Scootaloo arched an eyebrow. “What are you talking about? Those diamond dogs just left us here. Guess they didn’t want to share the gems or whatever.”

“Uhh…”

“Wait, what is it?” Scootaloo started looking around frantically. It was only when she tried to twist her torso that she noticed an immense pain coming from her side. She looked down and saw a row of stitches running up her waist. “Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me. They took my freakin’ kidney!”

Sweetie Belle raised her hoof, pointing to Scootaloo’s other side. “Uhh…”

Scootaloo twisted her head to look at her other side and saw more stitches. “Aw crap,” she muttered. “There goes my other kidney too. I was saving that one for a special occasion.” Looking at Sweetie Belle with puppy-dog eyes, she added, “You don’t, like, need kidneys to live, right?”

Sweetie Belle put on a crooked, and what she hoped was reassuring, grin. “Uhh… sure! Although,” she said with a bit of trepidation, “I don’t know how you’re going to do without all the rest of your, uhh, stuff.”

That’s when Scootaloo looked down and saw the myriad of stitches criss-crossing her chest and back. “Oh boy…” Her eyes rolled back in her head and she fell over, a victim to the seldom-used underground organ trade syndicate.

Residential Evil (Green Isn't Your Color)

Scootaloo grinned, sweat dripping from her forehead which she ran a dirty hoof over. Spitting a tooth on to the ground, she flexed her wings and then lifted a hoof. "Die! You son of a—"

"Scootaloo! Scootaloo!"

Scootaloo looked up from the mangled remains of a decaying pony and saw Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom galloping towards her at full speed. As they skidded to a halt in front of her, Apple Bloom happened to catch sight of the thing Scootaloo was standing over.

"Whoa, what's that?" she asked, a disgusted look on her face.

"Forget that!" shouted Sweetie Belle. She grabbed Scootaloo by the shoulder and shook her. "Photo Finish is in town! Did you hear?"

Scootaloo wiped a bit of blood from her face and said, "Who the hell's Photo Finish?"

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. "Only the most important fashion photographer in all of Equestria! Or maybe Eqaustria? I can't figure out where she's from."

Raising an eyebrow and nodding her head towards the diseased mass of flesh under hoof, Scootaloo said, "Uhh, maybe you didn't notice, but we kinda got bigger problems than some stupid photographer."

Sweetie Belle shot Scootaloo an 'Oh really?' look, then said, "Oh really?"

"Yeah, I dunno, maybe the zombies are a slightly more pressing concern." Jabbing a hoof over her shoulder, Scootaloo shot back her own 'Yeah really' look.

As she looked past Scootaloo to where the filly was pointing, Sweetie Belle saw a bunch of shambling figures making their way towards Ponyville. A low moan could be heard emanating from the crowd, and it only grew louder the nearer they got. One of the zombies gave a bone-chilling cry, ripped its own leg off, and then fell on its face. "It doesn't look so bad, " Sweetie Belle mumbled.

Apple Bloom grimaced. "I don't know about that, Sweets. There's kind of a lot of zombies out there. Do you think we should warn the ponies in town?"

Sweetie Belle waved her hoof dismissively, turning back to Scootaloo. "I'm sure they'll be fine. Nopony has even noticed yet."

"Yeah, that does seem weird," said Scootaloo. "Like, there's a lot of zombies." She swung her hoof out just as she finished speaking, striking a zombie in the head and cracking its skull open. Flicking her hoof to get all the brain goop off, she added, "Is Photo Finish really that big?"

"Oh yes," said Sweetie Belle like she forgot they were in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, "she's the most famous Ponyville has ever seen!"

Frowning, Scootaloo ducked as a zombie took a swipe at her, swept its legs out from under it, then did an elbow drop on its face. She wiped her hooves off on the grass, saying, "Are you including both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna in that?"

"Of course!"

"And all the Elements of Harmony too?" added Scootaloo, arching a brow. "I mean the ratio of normal to famous ponies in this town is pretty high."

"My sister's the Element of Honesty!" chirped Apple Bloom happily.

"Yeah, no one cares, AB," said Scootaloo, rolling her eyes.

Sweetie Belle brought a hoof to her chin. "Now that you mention it, there are a lot of famous ponies in Ponyville. Why do we even care about Photo Finish?"

Grabbing a zombie by the mane and headbutting it as hard as she could, Scootaloo tossed the lifeless body to the side and said, "Now we're talkin'!" She kicked in another zombie's knee, broke another's neck, and flying press'd a third zombie before saying, "So, are you girls gonna help me kick some zombie ass, or what?"

"Yeah!" shouted Apple Boom as she dove at a zombie recklessly.

"Bloom, watch out!" Scootaloo tackled Apple Bloom out of the way before a zombie could bite her flank. Unfortunately, in doing so she herself got bit on the flank.

As she extricated herself from Scootaloo's grasp, Apple Boom cried out, pointing at the other filly's behind. "Scootaloo, look! Your cutie mark! You musta got it for zombie killing."

Scootaloo stared blankly at Apple Bloom, then shook her head slowly. "Shoulda never saved you." She sighed. "Great. Just what I've always wanted, to turn zombie ass first." She turned to Sweetie Belle and said, "Well, if I'm going down anyway, might as well do it fighting." Then, without so much as a second look back, she dove headfirst into the mass of zombies and started kicking and punching her way to the center.

As she helped Apple Bloom up, Sweetie Belle watched Scootaloo start to head the zombies away from Ponyville.

"Well, at least she'll die doing what she loves," said Apple Bloom with a shrug.

"What, being eaten alive by zombies?"

Apple Bloom frowned. "Huh, doesn't sound so good when you say it like that."

"No... no it doesn't."

The Good, The Bad, and The Dead (Over a Barrel)

It was another lazy Sunday for Scootaloo, and she decided that hanging out with Apple Bloom was better than sitting around doing nothing. She stopped for a moment, considered this new option, then decided that, yes, Apple Bloom was better than nothing.

As she crested the hill near Sweet Apple Acres, she spotted a massive tree that looked rather inviting. She grinned.

Hurrying across the orchard, she reached the tall tree and sat her back against. With the sun shining down on her, warm but not too hot, and the breeze ruffling her mane, it was the perfect recipe for a nap.

A few hours later, fully rested and wide awake, Scootaloo stretched out her hooves… or, she would have if she weren’t pressed tightly against the bark of the tree, encased in some kind of burlap sack. She tried to cry out for help, or at least to curse whoever did this to her, but her face was squashed so thoroughly against the sack that she couldn’t even move her mouth to speak. Suddenly, she heard a voice, coming from outside.

“And that’s the story of how the trees conquered the heathen bush people and became the tallest plants in the land.”

The voice seemed familiar, almost like Apple Bloom, but more consistently Southern.

“Ya’ll try and get some sleep now, ya hear? Got a big day ahead of you tomorrow, Bloomberg.”

Scootaloo cringed. Apparently Applejack was talking to the tree, and she was pretty sure that trees didn’t talk. That would be silly.

Once Scootaloo heard the sliding door close, she knew she was alone again. And since she wasn’t going anywhere, she might as well take another nap.

Scootaloo groaned, rolling over and stretching out her wings before she let out a loud yawn. As she opened her eyes, the first thing she noticed was the sunlight beaming right into her face, and the second thing she noticed was that she was out of the sack. She jumped up.

She was alone, in the middle of a barren desert. At least, that’s how it appeared until she turned around and noticed the massive tree looming over her.

“Harrumph,” said the tree, shaking its branches, sending leaves tumbling down.

Scootaloo’s eyes went wide. “Did… did you just talk?”

The tree shook again, saying, “Apologies, little pony. It was not my intention to startle you.”

“No, it’s fine,” said Scootaloo with a nervous laugh. “I must be going crazy,” she whispered to herself. “It’s probably this heat.”

“It is not the heat, little pony,” said the tree. “And you are not losing your grip on sanity, at least not on my account, certainly not.”

“I can’t believe I’m talking to a tree,” said Scootaloo, shaking her head. “All right, uh—What was your name again?”

The tree shuddered, sending down yet more leaves. “I am who I am, and who I am is Bloomberg, or at least that is what they call me. My real name would take too long to say, so Bloomberg will do.”

Scootaloo nodded, taking a few more steps back. “Okay, umm, Bloomberg. Couple questions. First off, why are we in the middle of nowhere? And second, why are you a talking tree?”

The tree laughed. It sounded like a thousand forests being chainsawed down to make way for condos, which Scootaloo guessed was the equivalent of tree laughter. “Nowhere is not a very useful location. We are not in the middle of nowhere, because we are somewhere, and therefore we can’t be nowhere, because nowhere can’t be somewhere.”

“...Riiiight.”

“And though I look like a tree, I am not a tree.”

Scootaloo raised a brow. “If you’re not a tree, then what are you?”

“Ahhhhh, now that is an interesting question, little pony.” Bloomberg’s branches rustled as he settled himself in for a story. “I… am an Ant—Ent. Yes, that’s what I am. I had almost forgotten. Now, where do Ents come from, you ask?”

“I didn’t…”

“No one remembers when the first Ents came to this land, or where they came from. I was born in this land many many years ago, before the tallest mountains where even a bump in the landscape, and before the lakes had a drop of water in them. As time marches on, so too do the Ents. Always marching, always moving forward. We have helped your kind for eons, but most of them have forgotten us by now.” Bloomberg sighed. “Even the elv—Apple family has deserted us.”

Scootaloo caught herself nodding off, and woke up with a snap. “Oh, yeah, that’s real sad, Bloomborg. Can I go now?”

Bloomberg shuddered. “You will not find your way home by wandering. I know the way, but I will only tell you if you listen to my story. It has been many an age since I last told another of my tale.”

Gritting her teeth, Scootaloo weighed her options. On the one hand, she was starting to feel pretty thirsty, but on the other, wandering through the desert wasn’t all that appealing either. “All right, tree guy. Let’s hear your dumb story.”

Bloomberg smiled, if indeed trees could smile. “It all started many years ago, in the shadowy forests of Foghorn—Fangorn.”

Scootaloo sighed. “Here we go.”

It was already midday when Applejack came trotting up to Bloomberg.

“Hey there, Bloomberg. We got everything worked out with the buffalo, so ya’ll should—What the?” Applejack noticed something lying next to the tree. As she got closer, she realized what it was. “Scootaloo? What in tarnation are you doing here?” She nudged the filly with her hoof.

Scootaloo didn’t move.

“Must’ve succumbed to dehydration.” She clicked her tongue, looking up at Bloomberg. “You tell her one of your stories?”

Bloomberg said nothing.

Applejack sighed. “I’ll get the shovel… again.”

The Death Promised in Our Early Days (A Bird in the Hoof)

Scootaloo tugged a feather out of her wing, spitting it onto the ground as she and her two friends walked down a shaded path. “Bluh, what the heck’s going on?” she asked, glancing over at Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. “All my feathers are coming loose.” She pulled another feather out with her teeth.

“Oh!” said Apple Bloom suddenly. “I’ve seen this before with our chickens!”

Sweetie Belle raised a sarcastic eyebrow. “Apple Bloom knows something. Stop the presses.”

“Oh, hardy har,” said Apple Bloom, rolling her eyes. She turned to Scootaloo. “It looks like you’re molting. At least, that’s what happens to the chickens when they lose their feathers.”

Scootaloo spat a mouthful of feathers on to the ground. “So, like, they’re gonna grow back, right? I don’t think I could live my life as a cripple.”

“You wouldn’t be a cripple. You just wouldn’t have feathers,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Is that any kind of life to live!?” Scootaloo shouted, her mouth full of feathers.

Sweetie Belle held up her hooves. “Calm down, Elijah Price. I’m just saying it probably wouldn’t be that bad.”

“Well, anyway,” said Scootaloo as she turned to Apple Bloom. “What am I supposed to do now that I’m molting?”

Shrugging, Apple Bloom said, “Beats me. Usually we just leave the chickens alone, and they get better.”

Scootaloo started rubbing against a tree, scratching her wings and causing more feathers to fall out. “It itches like crap. Ya think there’s something I can do about it?”

“Hey, Fluttershy has chickens too, right?” asked Sweetie Belle. “And she’s a pegasus too. Maybe she can help you?”

Running her back up and down the tree, Scootaloo started to notice that in addition to her feathers falling out, her fur was now coming out in clumps too. “Yeah, and sooner is probably better than later. I’m starting to think this isn’t just molting.”

Apple Bloom’s eyes went wide as she saw that Scootaloo now looked like a dog stricken with mange. “I’ve never seen the chickens look like that. Let’s hurry up and get to Fluttershy’s house.”

By the time the three fillies had reached Fluttershy’s house, Scootaloo’s skin was bare, and her wings were featherless lumps. She looked like a pink little turkey right before it gets thrown in the oven.

Sweetie Belle rapped her hoof against the door. “Fluttershy! Fluttershy!”

It only took a second before the door swung open. Fluttershy had a crazed look in her eye, and she let out a gasp, covering her mouth with a hoof.

“Philomena! Oh, thank Celestia you’re back! I was so worried you’d run away forever.” She grabbed Scootaloo and pulled her inside, offering a quick, “Thank you, girls!” before slamming the door shut behind her.

“Philo-who? No, I’m—”

Fluttershy shoved a bowl of soup in Scootaloo’s face, forcing the liquid down her throat. “Here, drink this. I was worried sick about you, Philomena. Just worried sick.” Pulling a blanket down from the back of a chair, she slung it around Scootaloo and wrapped her up tightly.

Scootaloo tried to protest, but the blanket was pressed against her face, making it so she could only make vague muffled noises, none of which seemed to get through to Fluttershy who was busy filing a glass of water at the sink.

As she brought the water over to Scootaloo, she produced a pair of small pills from wherever ponies keep things. “Do you want the red pill, or the blue pill?”

Scootaloo tried to shake her head, but Fluttershy just gave a laugh that was somehow both adorable and frightening.

“I’m just kidding. You have to take both.” She then popped the pills in Scootaloo’s mouth and put the glass of water up to her lips, keeping it there until the filly had finished swallowing the pills. Patting Scootaloo on the back, she said, “There, there, Philomena. Now you’ll be all better.”

Scootaloo, despite Fluttershy’s encouraging words, was not, in fact, feeling all better. She felt her throat tightening, and there was a burning in her chest. She tried to wriggle her way out of the blanket swaddle, but her strength was quickly fading. As the world started to turn black around her, she used the last of her breath to curse Fluttershy through the blanket.

As Scootaloo slumped to the ground, Fluttershy gasped again. “Wait, you’re not Philomena!” She tore the blanket off. “Scootaloo?” She nudged Scootaloo, and, receiving no response, she gulped, putting the blanket back over her.

“So, Twilight, that’s how I accidentally killed Scootaloo,” said Fluttershy before sipping from a cup of tea. “And I want to stress accidentally.”

“What kind of medicine did you give her?” asked Twilight, holding her hoof out.

“Oh, it’s a special medicine that heals birds, but is incredibly deadly to any other animal or pony,” said Fluttershy matter-of-factly.

“Why would you even have something like that?”

Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying you don’t have medicine specifically designed to kill non-ponies?”

Twilight opened her mouth to protest, then put her hoof down and said, “Fair enough.”

Equestrian Graffiti (Cutie Mark Chronicles)

Author's Note

This chapter was guest written by my friend, Burraku_Pansa.

Equestrian Graffiti (Cutie Mark Chronicles)

Scootaloo breathed the thin mountain air in heavily. “Okay, not sure what I was expecting from yesterday, if I’m honest.” She stood, checking over her jumpsuit and backpack.

“H-how d’ya mean?” asked Apple Bloom, trying not to gulp too loudly as she stared out over the sheer cliff at the trees below. The filly pulled her beanie that much more tightly over her head, stuffing back in what little of her bow had begun to peek out.

Scootaloo nudged Apple Bloom and beckoned Sweetie Belle, who’d been staring up at the morning sky. The trio backed away from the edge, got a running start, and leapt. As they fell, Scootaloo yelled over the rushing wind, “I mean we probably should’a seen it coming. Applejack got her mark for being an Apple, Fluttershy for singing at animals, Rainbow for being awesome—”

“Chutes!” shouted Sweetie before yanking the cord on her shoulder with her teeth.

Apple Bloom followed suit.

Scootaloo’s cord stuck. No backup.

Sweetie Belle nodded, still staring up at the afternoon sky. “Basic logic. Circular, but basic. They get their mark for doing a thing they’re destined to do day in and day out, and then because they have that mark, day in and day out they do that thing.”

Looking up from the sword she’d just polished, Apple Bloom said, “That doesn’t help us know what thing we’ve gotta do, though.”

“Right,” said Sweetie. “Which is why we keep trying things, obviously.”

Scootaloo leaned back on her haunches with her own polished blade. “Alright, ready.”

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle watched on as Scootaloo steadily, carefully lifted the sword with one hoof pressed on each of its sides. She brought it above her head and opened her mouth, eyebrows only now knitting into an unsure expression.

Not shutting her mouth, Scootaloo asked, “Hgh’ah do agh…?” But the sword was very well polished. “Gh’ck!”

Apple Bloom tossed the weapon in her hooves as far away as she could.

“Do you ever think…” Scootaloo eyed the gleaming point of the sabre-snouted tiger in the opposite corner of the ring. “Idunno, do you ever think this might not be the way?”

Apple Bloom passed her popcorn over to Sweetie Belle, both of them seated on the adjacent stands. “Nope,” they chimed together.

The torches at each of the ring’s corners flickered fitfully as they fought off the backdrop of dimming evening. The dancing lights reflected off of the biotic metal skewer on the tiger’s face, and off of Scootaloo’s shiny, shiny shorts. The combatants charged.

“That was disappointingly quick,” said Sweetie not five seconds hence.

Apple Bloom turned from the carnage. “So, what, are we shootin’ fer spectatin’ cutie marks?”

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “No, at this point I think we’re just letting her have her fun.”

“Hold up!” Scootaloo sat bolt upright, eyes wide. “I’ve been looking at it all wrong! What do I do day in and day out?”

Apple Bloom looked up from the oiled cloth she’d just affixed to her stick, her eyebrow raised. “You wanna get a cutie mark in dying?”

“No, buzzkill, I meant what do we do day in and day out?”

“Wait…” Sweetie Belle turned her head sharply from the bonfire, a horrified expression on her face. Voice trembling, she shouted, “Scootaloo, stop thinking about it!”

Scootaloo hunched over and shut her eyes tightly, pressing her hooves to her temples.

Sweetie rushed over. “I said quit it! You could kill two out of the three of us permanently!” She shoved her shoulder roughly against Scootaloo.

Scootaloo started humming loudly now, rocking back and forth. She scrunched her face up tightly.

Apple Bloom shot confused glances between her friends. “What exactly is happenin’ here?”

Sweetie Belle said, “She wants us to get cutie marks for—” Her eyes widened.

Scootaloo wore a god-slaying smirk as she stood. Shimmering and fresh on her flank was a cutie mark of the outline of a filly in profile. Shimmering and fresh on that filly’s flank was a cutie mark of the outline of a filly in profile. Shimering and frsh on that fillies’s flankk wasa cute mark of the outlier of an filled im profiles. Shnan frsflnk makfilprofe 011001010111001101100011011000010111000001100101

Scootaloo’s hooves rose up and tucked themselves at her sides in midair. Her head curled in close to her body. Vibrating, her front half began to compress towards her flanks until all was a diminishing mass of orange and purple. Sinking inwards into the centers of her flanks, her cu00100001arks soon met in space. Instantly, what remained of the lump formerly known as Scootaloo rushed in towards them and shrank until nothing was visible.

Sweetie Belle sighed. “I swear, every time I start thinking that I’m getting good at seeing them coming from a mile off, she brings things to a new level.”

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Dying (Owl's Well That Ends Well)

“Whoooooooa,” Apple Bloom muttered, looking up at the starry sky.

Scootaloo raised an eyebrow. “What are you looking at?” she asked. “You do know the meteor shower hasn’t even started yet, right?”

Apple Bloom waved her hoof. “I know that. Doesn’t mean I can’t ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ like all the other ponies.”

“Usually the ‘oohing’ and ‘ahhing’ starts after the thing you’re supposed to be ‘oohing’ and ‘ahhing’ over starts,” said Sweetie Belle as she shook out a blanket, attempting to straighten it as much as she could before laying it on the ground. “By the way,” she said, looking over at Apple Bloom, “why did you bring a towel?”

Apple Bloom frowned. “Whaddya mean, why? It’s a meteor shower, ain’t it? Y’all think I’m goin’ home all wet and stuff?”

Scootaloo massaged her brow. “It’s not literally a shower, AB. It’s just the term for—”

“A celestial event in which a number of meteors are observed to radiate, or originate, from one point in the night sky. These meteors are caused by streams of cosmic debris called meteoroids entering the atmosphere at extremely high speeds on parallel trajectories,” said Twilight, interrupting Scootaloo.

Scootaloo glanced over her shoulder at Twilight who’d just walked up behind them. “Oh, hey, Twilight. Apple Bloom thought meteor showers were real showers. Pretty funny, huh?”

“I did not!” shouted Apple Bloom, hugging her towel close and sucking on one corner. “Towels have more than one use, ya know.”

“Actually,” said Twilight, raising a hoof in the same way a teacher might raise their ruler before smacking you on the head, “they call it a meteor shower because the celestial ponies of old used to bathe in the meteor trails when they wanted to wash the reek of the lesser beings off.” She sighed, looking wistfully up at the sky.

“Told ya,” said Apple Bloom, sticking out her tongue.

“You just got finished saying that wasn’t what you said,” said Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle groaned. “Can’t we just agree that you’re both idiots and get to the more important matter of this thing about lesser beings?” She turned to Twilight, giving her a saccharine sweet look. “Now what were you saying?”

“Oh, well celestial ponies, like Celestia and Luna, who came from the sky, used to bathe in the tails of comets and other heavenly bodies to rid themselves of the filth of the proletariat.” Twilight looked yet more wistfully at the sky.

Sweetie Belle, meanwhile, rubbed her chin with a hoof.

“All right, so I think this spot should be good,” said Sweetie Belle as she bit her lip, making a square with her hooves like was looking through a camera. “The meteors will come down and shower us in their celestial light. Then finally, after all this time, I’ll be free of this mortal coil.”

Apple Bloom heaved herself up onto the rock Sweetie was standing on. “What was that?” she asked. “I only heard something about light and coils. You makin’ a diorama?”

“Pah,” said Scootaloo, pulling herself up after Apple Bloom. “More like diodrama. Stop being weird,” she added, shooting Sweetie Belle a quick glance. “You’re messing with AB’s head.”

“Is it weird to think myself above mere mortals?” Sweetie Belle turned around, standing up on her hind legs and cackling wildly. “The hour of reckoning is upon us!” Behind her the sky lit up with the lights of a thousand meteors burning up in the atmosphere. “The end is nigh!” Her voice cracked just as she said ‘nigh’.

Scootaloo raised an eyebrow, grinning.

Sweetie Belle coughed awkwardly, covering her mouth and turning away. “Um… so it looks like the meteor shower is starting.”

The three fillies huddled together as they watched the sky fill with meteors. Apple Bloom let out a few ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’, while Scootaloo just stared open-mouthed and Sweetie Belle wide-eyed. Suddenly, as they were watching, one of the meteors appeared to be getting larger and larger.

“Whoa, look at that one,” said Scootaloo. “It’s huge.”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes went from ‘oh my’ wide, to ‘oh shoot’ wide in the space of about 3 seconds. “Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, get down!” she yelled, diving off the rock and attempting to take Scootaloo and Apple Bloom with her. Unfortunately, she managed to grab Apple Bloom, but knocked Scootaloo off the other side.

The meteor, meanwhile, was busy thinking to itself, “Oi, this again.” Scientists, mostly Twilight, have speculated that if Scootaloo had known why the meteor was thinking this, she might well have had time to dodge out of the way.

Instinctively, Apple Bloom threw her towel over herself and Sweetie Belle just before there was a loud crash and a lot of heat from the meteor striking the ground. When the ringing in their ears finally stopped, Apple Bloom took the towel, which had been burned to a crisp, off.

They scooched around the side of the rock and saw a big burning hole in the ground where a patch of grass and flowers had been before, and under what was left of the meteor, a little hoof stuck out.

“Do ya think she was bathed in celestial light like Celestia and Luna?” asked Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo’s hoof twitched.

Sweetie Belle cringed. “I’m starting to think that story isn’t true.”

Equestrian Gangster (Party of One)

Author's Note

This chapter was guest written by my friend ambion.

Equestrian Gangster (Party of One)

Pinkie Pie’s eyes were rimmed with red and the tufty fur of her cheeks was matted where she had rubbed away the tears. That, however, was secondary, and Scootaloo couldn’t help herself but stare at Pinkie Pie’s mane. Her tail too; both were straight. Freakishly straight.

“Your mane’s straight,” she said rather simply.

Pinkie’s laugh was a sad, forced thing that flopped on the floor between them and died. “Oh, that? That’s...that’s...Oh! I haven’t introduced you to my friends yet!” Her smile, too, was forced and looked like something that was dangerously close to breaking open a new set of tears.

“Um, the shop is open, right? I have money.” Scoots would have left already, but she still kind of expected to get herself some fresh baked cookies. Sure, the usual lineup of seating arrangements had been replaced with a single wide dining table, but hey, she wasn’t the baker here.

Pinkie Pie was a blur of sudden, jerky movements. Her head always ended up jilted to one side or the other. A little or lot, there was no pattern, only that it was never straight on her shoulders as she appeared and disappeared from odd corners of the table. She was talking, but Scootaloo was kind of ignoring that. It wasn’t personal, it was just Pinkie Pie.

“Yeah, right, sure,” said the filly, these being the surest of generalities she knew when she had the vague sense that she was expected to speak. “Look, you don’t have, like, cookies about?” She checked under a bucket of rocks to no avail. “It’s just that I was...Pinkie? Pinkie?”

Scootaloo huffed. Just her luck, right? Pinkie Pie was doing...well, whatever that was, it involved lots of pantomiming and Derpy eyes, but not one damn lick of getting cookies for Scootaloo.

“I have money,” the filly muttered under her breath, not really trying to be heard in so much as she was just venting spleen. “Right, okay, this is going nowhere. I’ll just get some from Bon Bon, even though we all know they’re not as good. You literally have one job, Pinkie Pie,” the filly growled under her breath at the floor between her hooves as she made to leave.

Only the door must have heard, because it smashed into her. The impact scooped up Scootaloo and flung her violently into the wall. It hurt.

A lot.

As she drifted through the painful dizziness, Scootaloo thought she heard Rainbow Dash’s voice mixed in, but she couldn’t be sure. Her neck had crunched at a weird angle and it hurt to straighten her head out. By the time she felt just about capable of coordinating her own hooves again, Scootaloo dimly noticed that the door was now closed.

Sitting upright made her head spin, her vision swam like the boiling surface of a pot of water. All for some damn cookies that she had, in fact, not gotten.

Scootaloo blinked from her corner and tried to steady her wobbling head. Was that motion? It was hard to tell. Everything was moving, at least on the inside of her head it was. She thought she heard voices.

“How rude!”

“What a terrible guest!”

“Did you see the way she up and pushed me?! And me, after doin’ nothing, like!” This had been the bucket of rocks, which was a lot bigger than Scootaloo remembered it having been.

Something soft flopped against her. Scootaloo shoved at it, her efforts erratic at best. Her hooves knocked something else that rolled away.

“Hey youse, stands back and lets me show ya’s how it’s done.”

Scootaloo frowned as she managed to bring her two dizzy eyes together long enough to see that, yes, that was a bucket of rocks, even closer than before.

And then, closer still. And then nothing.

The Sound of Dying (Best Night Ever)

As dawn broke in Scootaloo’s room, the filly was already wide awake, staring out the window at the rising sun. She beamed. Letting out a soft breath, she said, “Today’s gonna be a good day. I can feel it.”

Scootaloo rushed downstairs, waved goodbye to her mom and dad who were up for some reason, and headed towards the Carousel Boutique. When she reached the impractically round building, she raised her hoof, knocking loudly several times. She was some shuffling, and then some groaning, then the door opened.

Sweetie Belle rubbed her eyes, letting out a long yawn. “Scootaloo?” she said incredulously. “What are you doing here? It’s not even six thirty yet.”

Scootaloo waved her hoof. "Pssh, who cares about that? You know what today is right?"

Sweetie Belle blinked a few times. "Um, Wednesday?"

"It's the day of the Grand Galloping Gala!" Scootaloo bounced on her hind legs. "We've been waiting for this day for forever."

"Oh right, that's today," said Sweetie Belle after another yawn. "Seems weird that it's on a Wednesday."

Scootaloo ignored her and instead asked, "So, did Rarity finish those dresses for us?"

"Huh?" said Sweetie, scratching her stomach. "Oh right. Yeah, she finished those last week." Sweetie watched with tired eyes as Scootaloo seemed to be unable to stand still. She was giddy with excitement. Shaking her head, Sweetie added, "Why are you so excited anyway? I thought you hated girly stuff like the Gala?"

Scootaloo stopped bouncing. "Oh, I do, but the Gala is different."

Sweetie's eyes narrowed. "Why?"

Scootaloo smirked. "Because Rainbow Dash is going to be there, and if she's going, then so am I, and I'm going to look fabulous doing it."

Sweetie Belle shrugged. "Well, whatever makes you happy, I guess." Suddenly Sweetie Belle looked over Scootaloo's shoulder. "Hey, where's Apple Bloom?"

"I haven't got her yet, why?"

"Feels like she's always being left out..." Sweetie Belle shrugged. "Anyway, since I'm already awake now, you want to go get her so we can get ready for the Gala?"

Scootaloo stepped to the side, waving her hoof. "Lead the way."

"Why? Don't you know the way?"

"What? No, I was being--Y'know what, nevermind. Don't worry about it. Let's just go."

Sweetie shrugged. "Okay."

This time it was Sweetie Belle who knocked on the door when they finally got to Sweet Apple Acres. By the time they'd reached the orchard, the sun was well above the hills and climbing higher. They only had to wait a few seconds before someone opened the door. Luckily for them, it wasn't Applejack.

Apple Bloom grinned when she saw who was on the other side of the door. "Hey, ya'll. Here kinda early, ain't ya?"

Scootaloo butt in before Sweetie could say anything, knocking the filly aside. "Early? The sun’s already up! We’re practically running late!”

Apple Bloom chuckled. “Shoot, you’re real excited for this gala, huh?”

Scootaloo shot a glance back at Sweetie Belle. “Even Apple Bloom remembered what today was.”

“Sorry, I guess we can’t all be as smart as Apple Bloom,” said Sweetie, rolling her eyes.

Ignoring her, Scootaloo turned back to Apple Bloom, grabbing her by the shoulder and pointing with her free hoof off into the distance. “Excited? Can’t you hear it, AB? It’s not just me, it’s the world! The hills are alive with the sound of—”

“The hills ain’t alive,” said Apple Bloom raising an eyebrow. “They’re, like, dirt and stuff.”

Scootaloo groaned, shaking her head slowly. “Man, what is with everyone taking everything so literally today?”

After a day spent preparing, the Cutie Mark Crusaders found themselves outside Canterlot Castle, having just finished watching an elaborate musical number. Scootaloo was wearing the grin of a filly who’d just gotten a pony for Hearth’s Warming, well, the grin of a filly before slavery was outlawed anyway. She pointed at the ponies ahead of them and said, “That was awesome! Why can’t we do that?”

“Spontaneously break out into choreographed song and dance?” said Sweetie Belle, not a little sarcastically.

“Sure, if they can do it, why not us?”

Apple Bloom scratched at the studded bow holding her hair up. “It’s not like we planned anything. I mean, you want us to just make up a song on the spot?”

Scootaloo shrugged. “I don’t see why not. With everything we just saw, this is sure to be the best song ever!”

Suddenly, Scootaloo jumped out in front of Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. She splayed out her hooves and wore a wide smile. Pointing over her shoulder with a hoof, she started to sing.

“At the Gala!”

Sweetie Belle cocked her head to the side.

“At the Gala?”

Scootaloo ignored her and made her way towards the steps leading to the front door of the castle. She threw open the doors and did a little twirl, nearly knocking over some poor stallion in the process.

“At the gala, in the foyer
I’m not going to slip and fall!
All the ponies, I’ll avoid them at the Gala!”

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom hurried to catch up to Scootaloo. Sweetie cocked her head to the side. “Wasn’t ‘At the Gala’ the name of the last song?” But before Scootaloo could answer her, she was already trotting up the steps, running her hoof along the railing as she continued to sing.

“At the Gala!
All the stallions, and the mares
They won't kill me, not at all.
I'll remain alive forever
Right here at the Gala!"

Scootaloo spun around, throwing her hooves out as she sung. Unfortunately, in her zeal, she accidentally bumped into a large vase which started to tip over right as she stood in front of it. Sweetie Belle's eyes went wide. She dove forward and knocked Scootaloo out of the way. Helping her up, she began the next verse.

"At the Gala
It’s amazing!
I will help you—
That you saved her
I will catch you if you fall!
Goody, goody
Talking ponies
She means us
Do you hear them?
Oh crap, let’s hide
Think I heard them after all.
That was close.”

Sweetie Belle started waving her hoof around. “Wait, wait, wait.” She looked over at Scootaloo, and then back to Apple Bloom. “Did you girls hear that? It sounded like… like there was a choir backing me up.”

Apple Bloom furrowed her brow. Just then, she caught something out of the corner of her eye. “Hey, look!” She jabbed her hoof at a hallway where a dozen ponies were jammed together, attempting to hide.

“Hey,” said Sweetie Belle, approaching them. “What are you doing? I’m trying to sing here. How about you just shut up and let me do it, all right?”

They nodded, scampering away.

Sweetie shook her head. “Sheesh. Some ponies can’t take a hint. Hey, where’s Scootaloo?”

Apple Bloom sighed, pointing down the hall towards the dining room. “Looks like she already left down that way.”

“Well, let’s go get her before she does something stupid.”

Apple Bloom nodded, and the two fillies galloped towards the dining hall where a band was playing music. Suddenly, Apple Bloom felt like it was her turn to sing.

“All her deaths, and her jokes
From squid up to disaster.
All that she’s been dying for
Will climax at the Gala!
At the Gala.”

By the time she’d finished her first verse, she was already racing across the room to save Scootaloo from a stallion carrying a fire poker who wasn’t looking where he was going.

“At the Gala, all the waiters
Should really look so they can see.
They nearly speared poor Scootaloo at the Gala!
At the Gala
I will save her, from the wait staff
How in danger she will be
And I’ll save her from that statue
Tonight at the Gala!”

Rainbow Dash, who Scootaloo was busy ogling, had recently just saved a member of the Wonderbolts from a falling statue and had tossed it off her back rather haphazardly. Scootaloo, completely oblivious to this, was only just barely saved by Apple Bloom and her oxen-like earth pony strength. Not even noticing her friend, Scootaloo followed Rainbow Dash as she, in turn, followed the Wonderbolts.

“This is what I’ve waited for
To have the best night ever!
I’ll finally get to live my dreams
Tonight at the Gala!
At the Gala.”

Scootaloo wore a stupid grin on her face as she cantered after Rainbow Dash, twirling around a column and hop-scotching her way towards her hero.

“Been dreamin’, I’ve been waitin’
To hang with that great pony—
Rainbow Dash, her daring tricks
Spinnin’ ‘round and dodging kicks.
Wonder why she’s so angry?
She nearly kicked my head in.
Guess Rainbow Dash can’t see me
Right here at the Gala!”

Apple Bloom shook her head in disbelief. “That filly’s gonna get herself killed doin’ somethin’ stupid. Sweetie Belle, you try and cut her off. I’ll stay behind,” she said, nodding to Sweetie Belle. The other filly, returning the nod, rushed ahead of Scootaloo to try and deter her from continuing to follow Rainbow Dash.

“All we’ve worked for
All we’ve done
Our plan to keep her safer.
It’s all about to fall apart
Right here at the Grand Gala!”

“Apple Bloom!” Sweetie Belle cried. “Stop Scootaloo, she’s about to fall down those stairs.” She pointed at a staircase that happened to be right where Scootaloo was walking, completely unbeknownst to her as she blindly followed Rainbow Dash.

Nodding, with a determined look on her face, Apple Bloom moved quickly to stand in front of the stairs and force Scootaloo to the side.

“We’re here at the Grand Gala
Oh, Scootaloo why can’t you see?
Rainbow Dash ain’t listening, just can’t you let it be?
It’s clear she ain’t seen you, Scootaloo just look at me.
Down the stairwell, in the basement
Alone at the Grand Gala!”

Apple Bloom shook her head. “She ain’t listening to me, Sweets. We’re gonna have to do something drastic to stop her.”

Sweetie Belle grit her teeth. “I’ll make her stop,” she whispered under her breath.

“Heartbreak and disaster at the Gala.

At the Gala!”

As Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom fought to get Scootaloo to pay attention to them, she was off in her own little world, ready to start up the next verse. Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom did their best to dissuade her.

“At the Gala!”

“At the Gala!”

“With my big sis—”

“Not your big sis.”

“—Is where I’m trying to be.”

“Dead maybe.”

“We will talk about adoption
And maybe get some tea.”

“Stop and see.”

“It’s going to be so awesome
When she finally adopts me!”

Scootaloo closed her eyes and spun around, doing a little pirouette and landing right below a precariously hanging chandelier that Pinkie had accidentally loosened during her musical number that happened to be happening at the same time. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom shot each other worried looks.

“This is going to be the worst night ever!
Into the ballroom, we must go
She’s ready now, she’s ‘bout to blow.
Into the ballroom, let’s go in
And save her from disaster!
Into the ballroom, now’s the time
The chandelier’s ‘bout to chime!
Into the ballroom—”

Scootaloo threw out her hooves, spinning in place as she sung.

“Meet RD!”

“Into the ballroom!
Save Scootaloo!”

“Into the ballroom!
Find my friends!”

“Stop the glass
From killing Scootaloo!”

“To meet!”

“To save!”

“To find!”

“To stop!”

“To—whoa!”

“Too late…”

CRASH

Sweetie Belle winced as the chandelier loosened from its ropes and made a sickening crashing sound as it hit the ground. Scootaloo had had barely enough to look up incredulously just as it was falling. Then, mere milliseconds later, she was crushed under hundreds of pounds of glass. Apple Bloom gulped.

“So… guess we couldn’t save her. Not even on the night of the Grand Galloping Gala.”

Sweetie Belle sighed. “This was the worst night ever.”

“At the Gala?” said Apple Bloom, raising an eyebrow.

Frowning, Sweetie gave Apple Bloom a look that would’ve soured honey. “Oh, shut up.”

Scootaloo's Labyrinth Pt. 1 (The Return of Harmony Pt. 1)

Author's Note

This chapter was guest written by my friend Belligerent Sock.

Scootaloo's Labyrinth Pt. 1 (The Return of Harmony Pt. 1)

“Now class, this is a really interesting statue.” Cheerilee pointed at the sculpture in question. “He has the head of a pony and a body made up of all sorts of things. What do you suppose that represents?”

“A late-night rendezvous between a snake, a goat, and Apple Bloom’s mom?”

Apple Bloom turned to Scootaloo with the scrunch-faced fury of a thousand irate kittens. “Oh, it’s on now, cloud-sucker!” She sprang at Scootaloo, tackling her to the ground.

Nearby, Sweetie Belle checked her non-existent watch. “Three minutes into the field trip. That’s a new—”

“Sweetie!” yelled Apple Bloom. “Stop referencing future memes and hold her wings down for me!”

Scootaloo batted the other filly’s flailing limbs away. “Geez, Bloom! Can’t you take a joke?”

“My parents are deeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!”

“That’s a ‘no’, then.”

The two continued grappling like a pair of intoxicated octopi. As a tumbleweed breaks and shatters against the inevitable cliff face, so too did they smack into the statue. Instead of breaking into little pieces, however, they simply rebounded with a sound like a baseball bat hitting a watermelon.

Scootaloo sat back up, shaking her head. She had just enough time to notice the statue swaying ponderously, and then it tipped and fell over, sending another font of dust into the sky.

“Scootaloo?” Apple Bloom called, picking herself off the ground. “We just cut this thing short, didn’t we?” she said to Sweetie Belle.

“More like squashed it flat, I think,” she said, cocking her head at the fallen statue. The smooth white stone had splintered all along its surface, but was otherwise intact. “Oh, nope, she’s still alive.”

Scootaloo looked up at them with a blasé expression, despite the fact that the statue’s open maw was all but clamped around her neck. With an audible “pop”, she extricated herself from the mouth. “So yeah,” she said, “what’s up with that statue, anyway?”

“Well,” said Cheerilee, frowning. “I was going to explain exactly what it was, but now that you’ve gone and ruined it, I think it’s best that I dole out punishment instead. You started the fight, Scootaloo, so you’ll have to make up for it.”

“Oh, okay. So, what, am I going to have to write an essay on how fighting is bad?”

“Oh no, I think this calls for the most powerful weapon in the teacher’s arsenal.”

“Bad grades?”

“No.”

“Suspension?”

“No.”

“Late-afternoon meetings in the darkened basement of the schoolhouse that must never, ever be mentioned to your parents, fellow students, or future offspring?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of… tedious manual labor.” She smiled wide. “It’ll build character!”

Scootaloo’s anguished cry would’ve split the heavens, if they had cared enough to part ways for her.

“Great, so now I’m stuck in this big maze while Ms. Cheerilee and the rest are probably laughing it up in some ice cream parlor somewhere. It’s not right. Sure, she’s the teacher and all, but she can’t just leave me here unsupervised! Heck, this isn’t even her garden! She doesn’t have any authority here! Ah, but she still somehow gets to order a little filly into the maze to start picking up trash, which I’m pretty sure is against, like, all child labor laws.” She suddenly cut short her expository rambling, looking around. “And now I am so freaking lost.”

“Oh no, I’d say you’ve been found.”

“Really, Talking Hedge?” she said to one of the nearby hedges, which, unbeknownst to her sense of irony, was only capable of whispering. “Well, good to know at least one of us is an optimist.” She blinked. “Wait.”

Casting her gaze upward, Scootaloo beheld not the faraway clouds, but something much closer and hovering just overhead. It looked down at her the way a chameleon eyes its dinner while on acid.

“Well, hello there, my little chickadee!” it said.

Despite her mouth’s protestations, Scootaloo managed to make it cooperate. “...What?”

The thing grinned, spreading its arms wide. “Now you… You can call me… ‘Toola-Roola.’” His grin suddenly turned stone-faced. “But only if you’re partial to getting your ears replaced with hedgehogs and having an angry god of anarchy use you as a butt-scratcher!” His grin returned. “If not, then call me ‘Discord! Lord. Of. Chaos!’” He held out his paw. “Charmed.”

Scootaloo searched for some grand inquiry, one that would perfectly encapsulate the myriad questions cart-wheeling through her psyche. “…What?”

“Y’know, you remind me of myself at a young age, back when all I cared about was juggling unicorns. Word of advice”—he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, one claw pointed skyward—“if you juggle a unicorn, mind the pointy end.”

She wormed her way out of his chummy embrace. “No, seriously. What?”

“Really? I wasn’t clear enough?” He sighed. “Oh, and here I thought a kindred spirit of mine would be more… bright.”

Scootaloo looked at him with a level stare. “Yeah, okay, crazy statue-guy. I’m just going to keep trying to find my way out of here. See ya.”

“Aw… You just want to leave it at that? Without me telling you about how important you are?”

Scootaloo’s better judgment told her to keep walking, but then her ego jumped it with a knife and dragged it into a dark alley. “Okay, I’ll bite. What are you talking about?”

“Like I said, we’re kindred spirits, you and I. You take death like a champ, I laugh in the face of it.”

Her eyes widened. “Wait, you know about that? You know what’s going on with me?”

“Hmm…” He grinned. “Maybe I do.”

“Well, tell me!”

“I think it would be best if I showed you instead. Here, watch.”

He snapped his talons with a bright snap, and suddenly, a rubber chicken hit Scootaloo’s face at mach six.

Scootaloo's Labyrinth Pt. 2 (The Return of Harmony Pt. 2)

Author's Note

This chapter was also guest written by my friend Belligerent Sock.

Scootaloo's Labyrinth Pt. 2 (The Return of Harmony Pt. 2)

“So, wait a minute,” said Scootaloo, “did I just die back there?”

“Well, that’s just it,” said Discord, in between bites of roasted rubber chicken. “We’re making assumptions, now.”

Scootaloo frowned. “Nah, I’m pretty sure I died there.”

“Ah, I suppose it is hard to imagine surviving a hypersonic impact with an effigy of your biological mother, but still…” His eyes focused on something, seemingly very far away and apparently beyond the confines of the metaphysical plane upon which they stood. “Can it be said that something happened if no one was there to observe it?”

She looked around, trying to spot what his gaze was focused on, but to no avail. “Uh… I don’t know.”

“Well, think about it. Is this the same conversation we were having earlier? Or did something else happen between then and now? Just how did I get this braised rubber chicken, anyway?” He scarfed the thing down in one bite.

Her frown deepened. “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”

“And you expect me to know any more than you?” A bright orange dinghy suddenly materialized beneath the two of them. “I’m in the same boat, I’m afraid. And we’re both rafting down a great winding river of ambiguity until we reach the falls.”

“Or,” said Scootaloo, holding up one of the boat’s oars, “you’re just completely crazy.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere, I’m afraid. Look at it this way. Everything has a beginning and an end. Anything that goes up”—he produced an anvil, effortlessly balancing it on a talon before tossing it skyward—“must come down.” Spreading his arms wide, he smiled serenely toward the sky in anticipation. The smile turned to a frown of confusion as nothing happened. He shrugged. “Well, you get what I mean.”

Scootaloo blinked like a faulty traffic light. “I don’t think I do, no.”

“Okay then, different metaphor.” He snapped his talons once again, and suddenly the maze seemed to pass by them, as though they were rafting through it without moving. “If we were to wander this maze, there’d be any number of twists and turns, but there’s only one way out.”

“Well yeah, unless you’re a pegasus and can just fly out. Or if you’re a unicorn and can just teleport.”

He stroked his beard. “Hmm. That’s a good point.” A notepad and pen appeared next to him, and he scribbled something down before somehow pocketing them. With another snap, the raft disappeared and the maze halted its dizzying march, bringing them back where they started. “But the point is, we know there’s going to be an end to the maze. What matters is the time spent inside it.”

Scootaloo blinked like she was trying to induce an epileptic fit. “No, I think I’d rather just escape and be done with it.”

“Oh, that’s no fun.” He swam up alongside her. “Just enter the maze and then reach the end? Boring.”

“Not as boring as just standing around inside the maze.” She motioned to the surrounding hedges.

“Only if nothing important happens while you’re standing around. Look at us. Here we are, having a conversation, and that’s what keeps it interesting.” His gaze turned distant again. “I mean, think of how boring it’d be if we just stopped talking all of a sudden…”

“…It’d get so boring any onlookers would probably start searching for some hidden meaning in the silence that probably isn’t even there. The dumb ones wouldn’t even get that far. Without something happening between the beginning and the end, there’s no point.”

Scootaloo blinked like it was going out of style. “Okay, so what does this all have to do with me dying?”

“Why, everything, my unlucky duckling.” He spread his arms wide. “Because what matters isn’t that you die, it’s that you die a bunch.”

Scootaloo blinked—just once, but with all the deafening weight of a locomotive leaping the tracks. “…What?”

“It’s just like I said. It’d be one thing if you just died once, but you need to die more than once. That’s what’s important. That’s why you’re important.”

For a long moment, she was silent. Then she nodded once, sharply. “Right. Thanks for wasting my time. Leaving now.”

“Oh, come now.” He grinned. “Is it ever a waste of time when you make a new friend?”

“You’re not my friend, buddy.”

“Aw, you wound me,” Discord somehow said with just the top half of his head. “Well fine, if you’re going to be that way, I suppose I won’t keep you further. Besides,” he cocked an ear to the wind, “it sounds like I have… other friends to make.”

“Great. Go bother somepony else.”

“Can do, will do.” He produced a pink umbrella. “Ta-ta, my little pelican! Remember to always brush your teeth!” Hoisting the umbrella above his head, he began rising into the air.

“Like I care!” she shouted after him.

“That’s the spirit!” A bolt of lightning suddenly struck the umbrella, and after being silhouetted for a moment, Discord vanished.

Scootaloo blinked for what felt like the twenty-thousand-eight-hundred-and-sixteenth time that day. She waited, anticipating another sudden appearance and roundabout comment from the draconequus, but all was quiet. The nearby hedges rustled in the slight breeze, as though giggling at her.

“Well, guess I’ll just have to keep trying to find my way out of this maze. Or starve. Whichever comes first.” Sighing heavily, she took a step deeper into the labyrinth.

And then an anvil fell from the sky and squashed her flat.

Silence of the Scoots (Lesson Zero)

It was an unbelievably bright and sunny day when Scootaloo left her home to meet up with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom in the park to bounce balls on their faces. In fact, it was almost too bright. Scootaloo squinted up at the sun. “I’m on to you.”

The sun squinted back.

Scootaloo squinted harder. Her eyes started to hurt. “You win this time… sun.”

Hiking up her trousers, which she was not wearing, Scootaloo skipped down the street, attempting to not stop on any cracks lest she break her mother’s back. She whistled a nameless tune, simply enjoying the fact that she was not in any immediate danger, as she often found herself to be. Waving at a random passerby, she said, “Good morning. Lovely day isn’t—Gah!”

She dove backwards just in time to dodge something dropping out of the sky. As she stood up, dusting herself off, she noticed that the something that had nearly crushed her was not a something at all; it was a someone.

“Twilight?” said Scootaloo like she was asking a question she already knew the answer to.

Twilight, who was lying face down on the ground slowly pulled herself up like a puppet being on strings. She wore a crooked smile on her face and her head was tilted at an awkward angle. “Oh, hello there, Scootaloo. I didn’t see you there.”

“Riiiiiiiight,” said Scootaloo, looking around for Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie, anyone to suggest this was some kind of bizarre prank. “Whatcha got there, Twi?” Scootaloo had just noticed that Twilight was holding something behind her back, and she was slowly advancing towards her.

Twilight’s head twisted around to the other side. “Oooooooooooh, it’s nothing,” she said in a voice that suggested it was not nothing. “Just something to help my good friend out.”

Scootaloo cocked an eyebrow. “We’re friends? Uhh, since when? I barely know you.”

Twilight laughed, waving her hoof. “Oh, don’t be silly, Scootaloo. I know that we’re the bestest of friends, and as one of your bestest friends you know I would do anything to help you when you’re in trouble.”

Scootaloo started to back away a little further. “Last I checked I wasn’t in any trouble, so, uhh… go away please. You’re seriously starting to give me the creeps, like a lot.”

Twilight’s eyes went wide. The kind of wide that makes even an owl’s eyes look tiny in comparison. “Oh, but you are in trouble, Scootaloo, I can tell.”

“Nope, pretty sure I’m—”

“You’re alive!” Twilight shouted, suddenly revealing the whisk she had hidden behind her back. She lunged at Scootaloo, attempting to stab the poor filly with the floppy utensil.

Scootaloo rolled out of the way just in time, narrowly avoiding the deadly weapon. “Thank Celestia for all those invul frames,” she muttered under her breath. “What’s your problem, Twilight? Why are you trying to stab me with a whisk?”

Twilight tugged at the whisk which had become stuck in the ground. “I’m trying to kill you,” she said rather matter-of-factly. “I’ve seen how you die all the time, and since you’re alive right now, that must mean you have a problem.” She tugged extra hard, ripping the whisk out of the ground. Brandishing it about like she was William Wallace, she yelled, “And I’m gonna fix it!”

“Since when is being alive a problem!?” Scootaloo cried, dodging out of the way as Twilight made stab after stab at her exposed underbelly. “I’ll have you know I like being alive.”

Twilight leapt into the air, blocking out the sun for just a moment as she shouted, “Well, the universe doesn’t!” Holding the whisk directly beneath herself, she dove down and landed right on top of Scootaloo who’d been unable to dodge this time. Twilight heaved a sigh. “It’s done.”

“Owwww,” grumbled Scootaloo, rubbing her chest. “That actually hurt. I’m gonna have a bruise now, you jerk.” She pushed Twilight off herself and tossed the whisk away. “You’re acting crazier than usual, Twilight. I don’t know what’s up with you, but I’m getting the heck out of here.” She turned to run away, but Twilight stretched out and grabbed her back hooves, causing her to fall down.

In falling, Scootaloo accidentally bumped a foodcart which rolled into a building. One of the watermelons from the foodcart was in turn knocked off the cart and landed on a plank of wood with a bucket on the other end. The bucket flipped into the air, hitting a bird in the face. Spiralling downwards, the bird crashed into a hanging sign which swung backwards and hit a passing stallion in the rump. He jumped forward, hitting a mare carrying a large box. The mare tossed the box into the air. Scootaloo’s eyes went wide as she saw the box coming down towards her face. She rolled to the side, the box smashing harmlessly on the ground beside her.

“Whoo,” that was close,” she muttered, wiping her brow. Suddenly, she looked up and saw a familiar object above her. “Cra—” was all she managed before the anvil crushed her.

Somewhere, somehow, from his stone prison, Discord was laughing his rocky head off.

Twilight stood herself up and looked at Scootaloo’s limp body. “Does it count if I didn’t kill her?”

No one answered her.

The sun moved a few more inches closer to setting. Twilight threw up her hooves. “Fine! I’ll go make a friendship problem, then!”

The Apparent Trap (Sisterhooves Social)

Author's Note

This chapter was guest written by my friend Burraku_Pansa.

The Apparent Trap (Sisterhooves Social)

“So she tells me her mess isn’t actually a mess!” squeaked Sweetie Belle. “Just because she made it in her house, suddenly it’s a gift from Xochiquétzal and I’m a terrible pony for trying to help her clean it up!”

Scootaloo clicks her tongue. “Lucky.”

Sweetie rose up on Scootaloo’s bed, her eyes narrowed. “What’s your problem? How come I have to sit there and listen to you trash talk Rarity on any given day, but when I come to you for some support, you’re too good to hear a word against her?”

Not looking up, Scootaloo glared at her newly finished masterwork: a green crayon Rainbow Dash so aerodynamic she didn’t even need wings or a cutie mark. “Don’t get me wrong—I hate her guts. Today, though, I’m just not in the mood to talk about sisters.”

“Oh.” Sweetie Belle retrieved a flier from one of her biological mystery pockets. “Sisterhooves Social?”

Scootaloo growled, leaping up to snatch the flier from Sweetie’s hooves. In an instant, it was a pile of torn scraps on the carpet.

Sweetie Belle backed further up the bed. “Geez, okay! What the Social ever do to you? Bring your parents back to life?”

Kicking the shredded flier over to her wastebin—stuffed to the brim already with a number of prettily wrapped boxes—Scootaloo said, “It’s a double whammy of terrible. On top of the fact that it’s just another reminder that I’m not related to Rainbow Dash, every other year it falls on my birthday, which nopony ever remembers!”

Sweetie frowned. “You know I’m usually there for you when you’re doing something dumb like this, but today, I really need an ear to complain to.” She got up and headed to the door. “I’m going to see if Apple Bloom is free. As for you… Why not see if Rainbow will go to the Social with you? I don’t think the officials actually care about that sort of thing.”

Scootaloo’s eyes widened, and she dashed to the pile of flier.

Rainbow sat at an open-air café, leaning her forehooves over her table. Her eyes shot over to the café doors expectantly at least once every other second. She barely registered the screech of tiny tires in the nearby street. She definitely registered the bump at her side a few moments later. She turned.

“Oh!” said that orange one. “How incredibly clumsy of me. I’m very sorry that I bumped into you.”

Rainbow brought her gaze back to the doors.

“My oh my, what is this between us? It must have fallen from my—somepony’s pocket!”

There was a rustling of paper and tape, but Rainbow thought it best to snore. She didn’t put her head down or anything—snoring generally did the trick.

“Aw, not again…”

The waiter delicately dropped the plated sassafras sandwich down on the table, and Rainbow reached for it greedily. Taking long, savoring bites, she made sure to get her bits’ worth.

Finished, she looked about for a napkin. On her plate was a packet of official-looking papers with terms like “surrogate” and “guardian” and “lawful child”, completely filled out but for a signature line. These would do.

Rainbow pushed up from her table and the crumpled, dressing-stained mass of napkin substitutes atop it. Taking to the sky, she wondered briefly about the very emotional-sounding hedge nearby, but thought little of it as she made her way towards the Ponyville Youth Home.

Scootaloo not so much walked as flopped along the road towards her house. Next year, she thought, I don’t even leave the house. A sudden gust and a fwump noise hit her from behind.

“Hey, kid. I was wondering if you wanted to get in on that Sisterhooves race with me.”

Scootaloo gasped the gasp of a pony with far larger lungs, before turning to Rainbow Dash, saying, “You wanna do the relay race with m—” She fell into fits of coughing.

“Yeah,” said Rainbow, “that’s right. The orphans I usually use are off on some field trip or something, and I—”

“I’ll do it!” shouted Scootaloo. “I’ll be your orphan! This is the best birthday ever!”

Rainbow shook her head. “Nah, my birthday’s not for another three months. Happy you’re stoked about it, though. C’mon, race’ll be starting soon.”

“On yer mark,” called the elderly rasp of Granny Smith.

Scootaloo reveled in the tension. That sweet feeling in her hooves, her wings. They were about to break free.

“Git set.”

Her senses were sharpening. Slices of sight and sound and thought were falling away—all things that were not the racetrack, and the crowd, and the blue figure poised next to her.

A curious squelch, and then, “GooOOoOOOoo!”

Lightning cracked to Scootaloo’s side, and—lost amidst the deafness—she found herself sailing through the air. There was a glimpse of a blue blur zooming past the relays before her world was mud.

Interestingly deep mud. And she couldn’t seem to move her hooves.

Rainbow exploded past the finish line. “Woo! Fourth year in a row!”

The referee, a practiced smile on his face, retrieved a rainbow-decorated ribbon from next to the first place ribbon. He presented it to Rainbow, waving as she flew off chanting victory.

Thundercolt and Lighthoof (The Cutie Pox)

“Just bowl it already, AB! You’ve been lining up that shot for, like, an hour!” Scootaloo fell back into her seat, letting out an annoyed sigh. She waved her hoof at Apple Bloom, who was busy whispering to the bowling ball on the ground, looking over at Sweetie Belle. “I told you we shouldn’t have brought her. She’s so slow.”

Sweetie Belle scribbled something down on the paper in front of her, then turned to Scootaloo. “Look, the way I see it, this is just a good chance to take a break and relax a bit.” She kicked her hooves up and placed them on the table that was between her and Scootaloo. “I mean, after the whole ‘Scootaloo clone’ fiasco, things got a little crazy, what with banishing her to the Everfree Forest and all that. It’s nice to just throw some balls at junk every so often.”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “I guess you’re right. Although—” she chuckled “—it almost sounds like you’re setting up some kinda… whaddaya call it? Foreshadowing! That’s it. Sounds like you’re, like, foreshadowing this clone coming back at some point.”

“Look, if I could predict the future, I wouldn’t be wasting my talents on boring stuff like that,” said Sweetie Belle, giving Scootaloo an eyebrow raise that could’ve rivaled Applejack.

Scootaloo grinned. “That would be pretty dumb, huh? So what do your powers tell you about Apple Bloom? She gonna bowl anytime soon?”

Bringing her hooves up to her forehead, Sweetie Belle massaged her temples. “I’m getting something,” she said, rubbing them harder. “It looks like… like she’s going to bowl… now!”

A loud crashing sound resounded in the bowling alley, and Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked up excitedly. But, unfortunately for them, Apple Bloom was still hunched over, rubbing her ball and whispering into its holes. However, in the lane next to them, a bearded stallion was high-fiving his friends over the strike he’d just scored. Scootaloo frowned.

“Man, why can’t we have awesome friends like that?” she asked, pointing at the group next to them.

“Who says you can’t?” asked Sweetie, her eyebrow raised. “Go talk to them if they’re so awesome.” Sweetie Belle turned to Apple Bloom, cupping her hooves around her mouth. “I believe in you, Apple Bloom. Let’s see that strike!”

Without looking up, Apple Bloom waved her hoof, saying, “Hush! I’m concentratin’ here. I gotta make sure the ball knows I want a strike before I kick it.”

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes, and Scootaloo, meanwhile, made her way over the stallions gathered around the ball return next to her. As she came up behind the one wearing amber sunglasses, she cleared her throat. All three turned around and looked at her with mixed looks of confusion and amusement. Scootaloo held out her hoof. “Hey, I’m Scootaloo. Sup?”

The stallions looked at each other, then laughed. One of them, wearing a loose-fitting shirt and with a wavy mane, eventually stuck out his hoof and rustled Scootaloo’s mane, ignoring her hoof in the process. “Sup, little pony. They call me Bowlski. L. Bowlski, but you can just call me… the Dude.”

“All right, dude,” said Scootaloo, pushing his hoof away, “what’s your deal? How are you so good at bowling?”

The Dude got a far off look in his eye, and when he eventually returned to Equestria, he said, “That’s, like, your opinion, man.”

Scootaloo pursed her lips. “But you just got a strike.”

“That’s, like, your opinion, man.”

Scootaloo pursed her lips even more. “I’m not a man.”

“That’s, like, your opinion, man.”

Scootaloo’s lips pursed so far that they actually unpursed and just returned to normal, then she narrowed her eyes. “Are you stupid or something?”

“That’s, like—”

Scootaloo held up her hoof. “Yeah, no, I got that part. Sheesh,” she mumbled under her breath. “Even Apple Bloom isn’t this dumb.” Letting out a sigh, Scootaloo said, “Welp, now I remember why I only have two friends. I’m going back now. See you later, dude.”

“Whatever you say, little orange bowling ball,” said the Dude as Scootaloo started to walk away. “Whoa, wait, I gotta bowl again, man. Where’re you going?”

Before Scootaloo could even so much as utter a “Huh?”, the Dude had scooped her up and was carrying her over to his lane. He dropped her on the polished floor, and before she had time to utter a second “Huh?”, he turned around and kicked her down the lane and into the waiting pins. The last thing Scootaloo saw before her world turned black was the whiteness of the pins that were about to be embedded in her face.

“Dude,” said the stallion next to the Dude, the one without a beard, “you just bowled that filly into the pins.”

The Dude blinked a few times. “What?”

“That wasn’t a bowling ball, dude,” said the stallion with the sunglasses. “That was a filly.”

The Dude blinked a few more times. “What?”

“I think you just killed her, dude,” said the beardless stallion.

“Oh, man… I’m really high right now.”

Sweetie Belle, who had been listening in on their conversation from the lane one over to the left, shook her head, muttering to herself, “This is why you stick with the same boring friends, Scootaloo. Everytime you try to meet someone new, they always end up using you like a bowling ball.”

Days of Blunder (May the Best Pet Win)

“Hold up!” Scootaloo shouted, panting as she sprinted across the rocky plateau. “Don’t start the race yet!” Skidding to a halt in front of Rainbow Dash, who had her eyebrows raised, Scootaloo hung her head, breathing heavily. She held out a hoof, wheezing, “Gimme a sec.”

Rainbow Dash looked at her friends behind her, raising her eyebrows further. They shrugged. She turned back to Scootaloo who was now coughing. “Uhh… hey, squirt. Whatcha doin’ here?”

Scootaloo sucked in her breath, looking up at Rainbow. She wore a huge smile which only faltered slightly as she was forced to take another breath. In between gasps, she answered, “I’m here for the race.”

“You mean to watch?”

Scootaloo shook her head. “No, I mean to win!”

Rainbow Dash chuckled. She reached out a hoof and patted Scootaloo on the head. “Good one, squirt. You had me going there for a sec.”

Pouting, Scootaloo pushed Rainbow’s hoof away. “I’m being serious! I want to win the right to be your pet.”

“I don’t think that’s legal. That’s, like, child slavery or something.” Rainbow glanced back at Twilight, nodding to Scootaloo at the same time.

Twilight held up her hoof. “Hey, don’t look at me. The only thing I know about law is that ponies can’t marry books.” She paused, thinking to herself. “Well, they couldn’t before,” she added under her breath.

Rainbow Dash, grimacing, turned back to Scootaloo. “Wait, I thought you couldn’t fly?”

Scootaloo waved her hoof dismissively. “Nah, I can fly. It’s just that they won’t let you hang around the orphanage unless you have some kinda disability.”

“Riiiiiight,” said Rainbow Dash. She rubbed the back of her neck. “Well, I guess you can compete if you want to. You better be able to keep up though. I don’t want a pet who can’t move as fast as me.”

Scootaloo’s tiny wings buzzed with excitement. She grinned. “I’ll do more than just keep up. I’m gonna win!”

Chuckling, Rainbow said, “Tough talk for somepony so small. Better be ready to put your wings where your mouth is… wait. Um, better be ready to, uh, win… yeah.” She shook her head. “Anyway, head up to the starting line and get set.”

Nodding furiously, Scootaloo rushed past Rainbow and placed herself next to the other potential pets. Lowering herself to the ground, she wiggled her hindquarters in preparation for leaping off the edge of the cliff. Rainbow came up beside her and started counting down to zero. Three seconds later and Scootaloo pushed her hind legs hard, leaping off the cliff.

She let herself freefall for a moment before spreading her wings and allowing the momentum to carry her forward. Realizing pretty quickly that she was already in last place, and that Rainbow Dash was just a blue speck up ahead, Scootaloo started to wonder if maybe she hadn’t gotten a little in over her head. She bit her lip, then beat her wings as hard as she could, struggling to even catch up to the tiny bat ahead of her.

It took a bit of effort, but soon she was on pace with the other racers, and the canyon below was speeding by as she dodged over rocks, and under ledges. She whizzed around a turn, rolling out of the way to avoid a spindly tree that stuck up out of the ground like a big stupid tree. “Oh, crap,” Scootaloo muttered to herself as she saw the obstacle up ahead growing closer. Licking her lips, she set about ducking and weaving through the tangled web of vines that criss-crossed in front of her.

All the other competitors got stuck in place or another, and Scootaloo smiled widely as she soared past them. When she’d finally made it past the vines, she found herself having to beat her wings harder and harder as she moved through a tunnel, but she made it. She looked over her shoulder and saw the rest of the racers struggling to make it through, and her smile grew even wider. “I’m gonna win!” she yelled.

Up ahead of her, Rainbow Dash was dodging past a horde of giant Quarray Eels. Scootaloo’s brow narrowed as she stretched out her forelegs, pushing herself harder. Soon she was were Rainbow had been, and now she was the one dodging eels. “Whoa!” she cried just as one of them snapped at her, just barely missing biting off her legs. Flying high to dodge another eel, Scootaloo noticed that Rainbow Dash was flying backwards, laughing to herself.

Suddenly, she flew straight into the wall and knocked a giant rock loose from the canyon wall. Scootaloo gasped, dodging another eel just in time. She watched in horrified slow motion as the rock fell. “I’m coming, Rainbow!” she cried.

Lowering her head, she made it past the last of the eels and flew up underneath the rock just in time to catch it from falling. Well… that had been the plan anyway. Unfortunately for her, Scootaloo hadn’t really thought about how heavy a boulder is, and as she flapped her wings, trying to keep herself afloat, she was quickly being pushed down to the ground by the massive rock. About two seconds later she was a Scootapancake.

The Pray After Tomorrow (The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well)

Author's Note

This chapter was guest written by my friend RazgrizS57.

The Pray After Tomorrow (The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well)

The first meeting of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club had been a rousing success. Scootaloo closed the door shut and leaned against it, sliding to the ground with a pleasant smile. She gazed up and around the room, glossing over all the rainbow ribbons and banners and posters and frosted snacks and balloons; the room had been converted into a veritable shrine to the bestest, most awesome pony there ever was.

And she had to clean it all up.

“Eh, I’m just going to set it all out again tomorrow,” she said with a shrug. This clubhouse had practically become her abode, after all, so she figured she might as well make the place comfortable. She was sure Apple Bloom wouldn’t mind. It wasn’t like she cared Scootaloo was squatting here to begin with.

She wrinkled her nose as she suddenly forgot whether or not she ever told Apple Bloom about that. Or about the fan club. But she just shrugged again and stood up.

Scootaloo peered out of one of the windows to make sure nopony was around. Satisfied, she locked the clubhouse door and pulled all the curtains closed. All the colors became washed out with shadow as the sunlight was blocked, leaving everything in perpetual darkness. Scootaloo moved away from the windows and meandered over to the far end of the room, tripping over hats and fake wings all the way to the podium.

She pressed herself up against it and pushed. Her hooves scratched at the floor until they found traction, and the podium screeched eerily as she slowly moved it aside.

With the podium out of the way, she could remove the loose floorboards that were hidden underneath. The hole made was just big enough to fit inside, and with a little bit of effort, she squeezed herself into the space below. Her hooves reached the dark bottom, and she quickly grabbed the floorboards and slid them back in place, leaving her alone in this cramped little compartment.

She fumbled around for a switch and turned on a small lamp, illuminating the secret room. It was a small nook she’d carved into the trunk way back before Applejack even gave the treehouse to Apple Bloom (she’d never forgive that mare for forcing her to move back with her parents). But this abode of hers had gone unfound, and truly, it was the only place left she could be alone. It was the only place where she could be herself.

Every surface of this room was painted a different color, one for every color of the rainbow. Every wall was adorned with a framed picture of Rainbow Dash striking awesome poses.

A lock of Rainbow Dash’s mane, several of Rainbow Dash’s rusty old horseshoes, a discarded apple core, and a toothbrush previously belonging to Rainbow Dash sat on a small pedestal made of cloud taken from Rainbow Dash’s actual house against the opposite wall. If the room above her head was a shrine to the awesomest pony in existence, than this was the altar. And Scootaloo was in heaven.

She took out a quill made from one of Rainbow Dash’s feathers and also a small diary made from napkins Rainbow Dash had thrown away. She sat down on a tiny cushion stitched with some of Rainbow Dash’s tail hairs and stuffed with more of Rainbow Dash’s feathers. And below the weak light of the cracked lantern she’d recovered from Rainbow Dash’s trash, she began to write.

“As club leader, I’d say the first day of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club went well,” she said aloud as she wrote. “I’ve already won club member of the month for being the biggest fan. I got high hopes for next month too, so long as nopony proves themselves to be better. But I don’t think that will happen. The club leader would have to decide, after all. Besides, I highly doubt anypony else knows Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark origin story, or have even been touched by her!”

She paused in thought. “Except for maybe Sweetie Belle during the whole Smartypants episode.” She hummed. “I should see if I can get Twilight to cast that spell again, for me. And maybe I should make Sweetie Belle the club stenographer. Definitely not a cool job, but somepony has to do it...”

She blinked. “Ah! She’s rubbing off on me! Stenographer it is!”

Scootaloo scribbled that down before pausing again. “Hm, I wonder if I could get Rainbow Dash to join. That’d be awesome, but now that I think about it, she’s a pretty big fan of herself. Rightfully so, but that means I’d have to make her member of the month. But I’m her biggest fan who isn’t her, so does that mean I’d still be member of the month? The club’s dedicated to her, after all. So she really shouldn’t be a part of it, should she?”

Her breathing quickly became more erratic. “Does that mean I have to ban her from the club to keep being her biggest fan?! But then she’d hate me! I’d have to ban myself from the club for being hated by her just like I did Rarity! And then I wouldn’t be member of the month to prove how big of a fan I am!”

Scootaloo was hyperventilating by this point. As she continued to debate with herself, she didn’t even realize how dizzy she was becoming, or how heavy her head was, or how painful her chest was growing. Things continued to escalate until she found herself unable to breathe and collapsed of carbon dioxide poisoning, and the flickering lantern light went out.

Scoot/Off (Sweet and Elite)

“Is she gone yet?”

“Shhh!” Sweetie Belle hissed, holding her hoof up to her mouth. Lifting the flap of the suitcase just a bit, she peered out into the room, noting that Rarity had just shut the door behind her. “Okay, it’s clear.”

The sound of a large suitcase being unzipped filled the room before it was overtaken by the sound of three fillies tumbling out of said suitcase and landing squarely on their haunches. Scootaloo spoke first. “Jeez, it was hot in there.”

“Yeah, well, whose bright idea was it to hide in that tiny bag anyway?” said Sweetie Belle, dusting herself off as she shot Scootaloo a contemptuous look.

“I dunno. I thought it was kinda fun,” said Apple Bloom with a shrug. “We’re kinda like spies, or somethin’, y’know? Kinda cool, ain’t it?”

“Well, at least we made it to Canterlot,” said Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo suddenly stood up. She ran to the nearest window, and sucked in her breath as she looked out. “Awww yeah! We made it!” She pumped her hoof. “Sweet.”

“I don’t get why you’re so excited,” said Sweetie Belle, shaking her head. “It’s not like we’ve never been here before. Remember the Gala?”

Scootaloo waved her hoof dismissively. “Yeah, but this time we’re not supposed to be here, and that makes it cooler.”

Apple Bloom shrugged. “Shoot, I guess all that matters is that we’re here now. So… what do you girls wanna do?”

Her face curled into a sly grin, Scootaloo wrung her hooves. “Oh, I'm sure we can think of something.”

“Whoo,” said Scootaloo, wiping the sweat from her brow as she fell onto a park bench and let out an exasperated sigh. “That was one of heck of a day, huh?”

Apple Bloom, balancing a comically large bag of bits on her back, nodded. “Yep! Just wait until I tell AJ and Granny Smith about all this money I won.”

“Who would’ve guessed you were so good at cage fighting?” Scootaloo turned to Sweetie Belle, who was nursing an ice cream cone with a pained expression on her face. “What about you?”

Sweetie held the ice cream cone up to her forehead. She let out a little groan. “Ugh, it was like one big… montage of stuff. I barely remember it all.”

Scootaloo chuckled. “They don’t call Canterlot ‘the city that doesn’t remember how it got home last night’ for nothing.”

Sweetie Belle shot daggers into Scootaloo, which, surprisingly, didn’t kill her. “No one calls it that.”

“Maybe they’ll start now.” Scootaloo placed her hooves on her knees and looked up at the pink sky. “Anyway, we should probably head back soon.”

Suddenly, a voice came from the shadows of a nearby alley. “You, orange filly. Come here.”

Scootaloo glanced around, then pointed at herself. “Me?”

“Yes.”

Raising an eyebrow, Scootaloo said, “Uhh, look, I’m not really in the habit of going down dark alleys just because someone tells me to. Kinda seems like a bad plan.”

There was a groan, then a cloaked figure strode out of the shadows. “Fine, I’ll come out.”

Now that she saw who the voice belonged to, a short little pony covered in a tattered cloak and with its face obscured, Scootaloo’s eyes narrowed. “Hang on a second. You seem pretty familiar.”

“What?” said the figure, masking what was clearly a filly’s voice with an attempt at gruffness that was laughable at best. “I’m just a—”

“Yeah, I’m sure of it now,” said Scootaloo, nodding. “You’re me.”

Behind her, Apple Bloom shifted the weight of the bag on her back. “Uhh, but you’re you, Scoots.”

Scootaloo shook her head. “No, you remember that clone? Well…” She reached out, against the protestation of the hooded figure, and pulled the cloak away, revealing a second Scootaloo.

Scootaloo 2 tossed up her hooves. “Well, great, me. I hope you’re happy. There goes the surprise.”

Massaging her temple, Sweetie Belle said, “I thought you died?”

“No,” replied Scootaloo 2. “I survived that trip into the Everfree, and then I made it to Canterlot.” She turned her gaze on Scootaloo. “Word gets around, Scootaloo. A lot of ponies will pay good money to see an immortal filly. I figured I’d take your name and start making money, buy my way somewhere sunny.”

Scootaloo frowned. “But… you’re not like me, at least… I don’t think you’re like me.”

Scootaloo 2 hung her head. “No. I don’t get to comeback. And I was also lying about the other thing too. No one knows who you are. Turns out word doesn’t actually spread that fast.”

“Huh,” said Scootaloo, kicking at the ground, “that’s kinda disappointing.”

Scootaloo 2 smirked. “But now that you’re here, I can take you prisoner and use you as a sideshow attraction!” She lunged at Scootaloo.

Thinking quickly, Scootaloo rolled to the side, getting up in time just to dodge a punch from Scootaloo 2. “Whoa, easy there. If anyone’s gonna enslave me, it’s definitely not going to be me.” She threw her own punch, which Scootaloo 2 parried with a hoof.

“Ha!” she cried. “You fight like a girl!”

“I am a girl!”

Scootaloo 2 ignored this comment and instead attempted to sweep Scootaloo’s legs out from under her. Unfortunately for both her and Scootaloo, the motion missed and ended up knocking over Apple Bloom instead. As she teetered from side to side, the bag of bits fell loose off her back and landed on the pair of Scootaloo’s crushing them.

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “I told you money was evil, Apple Bloom.”

Apple Bloom scoffed. “Y’all didn’t have a problem spending all my money gambling on fights.”

Rolling her eyes, Sweetie Belle said, “Just help me get this bag off them. We’re still keeping the money.”

Scoothra vs. Spikezilla (Secret of My Excess)

Scootaloo smacked the map hanging in the Cutie Mark Clubhouse with her stick. She paced back and forth in front of it before smacking it second time.

"How many times you gonna do that before you actually say something?" asked Apple Bloom, raising an eyebrow.

Ignoring her, Scootaloo arched her back and and stood up straight, holding the stick behind her. “ Men--"

"We're girls..." muttered Sweetie Belle.

"--I've gathered you here today because there is a great evil in Ponyville, and it's up to us to stop it."

"Is this 'cause Spike took your scooter?"

Shooting Apple Bloom an angry look, Scootaloo smacked the board again. "That big jerk stole the only thing in in this in this world I care about, and I'm gonna get it back if it literally kills me!" She stomped her hoof against the ground. "Now, are you girls gonna help me, or what?"

Sweetie Belle shrugged. "I'm not doing anything else."

Apple Bloom added her shrug to the mix. "I'll see I can shift some things around in my schedule."

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Fine, whatever." She turned to the board, using the stick to indicate a particular corner. “Now, as you can see, our intelligence says that Spike is currently located at rally point Bravo Uniform Tango Tango."

Apple Bloom giggled, covering her mouth with a hoof.

"What intelligence is that?" asked Sweetie Belle, ignoring Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo pointed out out the window. There was a large dust cloud where Spike was currently rampaging through town.

"...Ah."

Reaching over to her left, Scootaloo scooped up her scooter helmet and slapped it on her head. Giving it a good smack before dramatically pointing to the sky, she said, "Now let's go kick some butt!"

Apple Bloom’s eyes lit up. “I get it!"

As the trio of fillies made their way into town, Spike’s path was clear. Everywhere they looked, buildings lay flattened, and ponies were running away as fast as they could, screaming their heads off. Scootaloo held out a hoof and stopped one of the ponies as she was fleeing. Grabbing her by the scruff of her neck, she held her up, growling, “Where is he?”

The pony, her ears flattened against her head, shaking uncontrollable, merely pointed, stuttering, “It’s G-g-g-g-ōjira!”

Scootaloo cocked her head to the side. “It’s what?”

Heaving a heavy sigh from behind her, Apple Bloom said, “Gōjira. Jeez, watch a movie for once in your life.”

Scootaloo still looked confused, but she tossed the pony aside and, cocking her imaginary gun, said, “I don’t care if it’s friggin’ Mothra, we’re takin’ that greedy jerk down.” She nodded towards the outskirts of town. “C’mon, I think he’s—”

Scootaloo stopped mid sentence as a massive dragon claw impacted the ground next to her, sending her reeling into a nearby building. When she could finally move, she looked over to see that Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom were in similar circumstances. Shifting her gaze upwards, she saw Spike, who’d grown yet larger from the last time they’d seen him. Scootaloo’s mouth fell open.

“I-i-i-it’s—”

“Yeah, we already did that joke,” said Sweetie Belle, pushing a bit of rubble off her as she climbed out of the ruins of the building. Helping Apple Bloom out, Sweetie added, “I suppose this is where the camera cuts away right before something interesting happens.”

“Shoot,” said Apple Bloom as she dusted herself off, “I sure hope not. Things are just gettin’ good. We’re here, Scootaloo. Go get your scooter back.” Apple Bloom cupped her hooves over her mouth and shouted at Spike. “Hey! You stupid jerk! We’re down here! Come and get us!”

Scootaloo’s eyes went wide as Spike started to turn around. She wasn’t sure if he’d heard Apple Bloom, or if he was just turning around because he wanted to face east, but either way, he was coming right for her. Suddenly, she started to realize that her plan had gone horribly, irrevocably wrong. She gulped.

“Uhh… I was just coming to ask for my scooter back… if you don’t mind.”

Spike’s massive form lumbered forward, all the while debris rained down from the pair of cottages he was holding in his claws. Scootaloo blinked as something shiny flashed in her eyes. She tried to squint, but a second later she felt nothing, and she was dead.

As Spike turned to walk away, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom ran up. “What the heck happened?” asked Apple Bloom. “She just keeled over. Tell me she didn’t do something lame like die of fright?”

Her lips curled into a frown, Sweetie Belle bent down to examine Scootaloo. There was a clear hole going right through her head, and in the ground below her was a tiny crater, and at the bottom of that crater, a small gold coin. Sweetie Belle cocked her head to the side. “Huh, looks like that thing about dropping coins from high places is true.”

“I think that’s a myth,” said Apple Bloom. “Pretty sure somethin’ that small ain’t got the mass necessary to kill a pony, not even at terminal velocity.”

Sweetie Belle shoved her hoof into the crater and tried to pull out the coin, but it wouldn’t budge. Try as she might, it remained stubbornly still. She grunted, trying her best to yank it out. “It’s, like, really heavy or something. I can’t move it.”

“What, is it made of dark matter or somethin’?”

Sweetie Belle shrugged. “Beats me. Told you money was evil though.”

“Huh…” mused Apple Bloom. “Kind of an anticlimactic way to go, huh?”

“Yep.”

Scootgarry Scoot Ross (Hearth's Warming Eve)

Scootaloo stood at the snack table in the foyer of the Royal Equestrian Music Hall. Her hoof resting against the table, she scooped a carrot out of a large bowl, dipped it in some peanut butter, and then popped it in her mouth. Chewing loudly, she turned to Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom who were standing beside her, also munching on some vegetables. “Pretty sweet play, huh?” said Scootaloo, her mouth full of carrot. “I liked that bit with the windigoes.”

Sticking a bit of celery in her mouth, Apple Bloom said, “Smart Cookie was my favorite. She was real funny.”

“You’re just saying that because Applejack was Smart Cookie,” said Sweetie Belle, who, like a lady, had finished chewing before she spoke. Placing a hoof over her chest, she said, “Well, I thought Princess Platinum was the best. Rarity did an excellent job being, umm… Rarity.”

Scootaloo chuckled, waving her hoof dismissively. “Oh puh-lease, like dumb ol’ Rarity could possibly beat Rainbow Dash. Didn’t you see how freakin’ awesome she was?” Picking up a carrot, Scootaloo started making buzzing noises while pretending to fly the carrot around. “Oh man, and that costume!” Scootaloo squealed like preteen fangirl, which, Sweetie supposed, she really was.

“Pff, whatever,” said Sweetie Belle, rolling her eyes. “Rainbow Dash was weak.”

Scootaloo immediately stopped her assault on the snack bar with her makeshift carrotplane. She turned to Sweetie Belle, her eyebrow raised and her head cocked to the side a bit. “Rainbow Dash was weak? Freakin’ Dash was weak?” She threw her carrot at Sweetie’s face. “You’re weak! She’s been in this business fifteen years—”

“What’s her name?” said Sweetie, as she wiped the carrot from her face, revealing her quickly-reddening face. “What was her character’s name?”

Scootaloo seemed momentarily taken aback. “Umm, it was… uh. Forget you! That’s her name!” She stomped her hoof. “It doesn’t matter what her name was. She was still the best!” Turning to Apple Bloom, she added, “You agree with me, right? Commander, uh, Dash was the best character, right?”

The celery sticking out of her mouth like she was chewing on a piece of wheat, Apple Bloom shrugged. “I don’t know what y’all are arguin’ about. Smart Cookie was easily the best character. Princess Platinum was just a dumb jerk, and Commander Hurricane was an even bigger one.”

Rounding on Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, shortly followed by Scootaloo, said, “What’d you say about Princess Platinum?”

Scootaloo’s face was contorted into a deep scowl as she said, “Yeah, punk, you got a problem with Rainbow Hurricane?”

“Whoa, hey, you girls are just messin’ around, right?” said Apple Bloom, now slowly backing away. “Y’all aren’t serious, are you? It was just a dumb play.”

Cracking her neck, Scootaloo glanced over at Sweetie Belle. “Truce?” she said.

Sweetie Belle shook out her legs, nodding. “For now.”

“Get her!” cried Scootaloo as she lunged at Apple Bloom, knocking the filly to the ground. She was quickly followed by Sweetie Belle, who let out what could laughingly be called a war cry, though her voice cracked halfway through.

Rolling around on the ground as they wrestled, the pile of fillies eventually knocked over the snack table, causing a loud crash that caught a particular pony’s attention. Twilight hurried over to them, her horn sparking to life as she pulled the three friends apart, and held them all at hoof’s length away from each other.

She shook her head, clicking her tongue. “Girls, what are you doing?”

Fighting against Twilight’s magic, Scootaloo tried to punch Apple Bloom, but she was too far away. “Gah! It’s all Apple Bloom’s fault! She’s the one who said Rainbow Commander was a jerk!”

“Nuh uh!” shouted Apple Bloom, crossing her hooves. “Oh… wait, I did say that. But I was right though!”

Twilight turned to Sweetie Belle. “And what about you?”

Sweetie Belle shrugged. “I just wanted to fight,” she answered. “...But Princess Platinum was the best,” she added under her breath.

“Honestly, girls,” said Twilight, shaking her head more, “did you even pay attention to the play? I mean, it was literally about exactly this.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know…” said Scootaloo, sighing heavily. She turned to Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. “All right, I’m sorry that you guys are wrong about who was the best character, but I promise I won’t beat you up over it.”

“I promise too,” said Sweetie Belle.

“And me three, even though y’all are idiots for not liking Smart Cookie,” said Apple Bloom with a chuckle.

Twilight turned her head to the side a bit. “Smart Cookie was your favorite?” She shook her head. “Nevermind. All right, as long as you girls have learned your lesson, I’ll let you go.”

The all nodded and answered in unison. “We have.”

Twilight slowly lowered them to the ground, and then let them out of her magic. “All right, now you girls run along and—” She stopped suddenly as Scootaloo grabbed at her chest.

“Hurp…” grumbled Scootaloo, collapsing to the ground. “My chest feels like it’s on fire.”

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “I told you that if only ate cupcakes and donuts for a month, it’d mess your body up. Probably couldn’t handle eating those carrots.”

“Oh, Celestia, I see the light!” cried Scootaloo, holding out one hoof while the other stayed over her heart. “I’m comin’, Ma!” With one last grunt, she fell back, and her eyes closed.

Apple Bloom nudged Sweetie Belle with her shoulder. “Heh, talk about the ‘Fire of Friendship’, eh?”

Both Twilight and Sweetie Belle just shook their heads slowly.

“Oh, come on. We do this every time.”

“And that’s the best you could come up with?” asked Twilight.

Apple Bloom held out her hooves in exasperation. “I only got so many puns in me!”

The Royal Apfelbaums (Family Appreciation Day)

Author's Note

This chapter was guest written by my friend Burraku_Pansa.

The Royal Apfelbaums (Family Appreciation Day)

“Ah got a pretty bad case of old.”

The squeaking of the old matron’s rocking chair was like a language unto itself—right now, it was agreeing with her emphatically.

“Naw, Granny,” said Applejack, seated on the couch with her siblings. “Yer as spry as ah’ve ever known ya. What’dya mean?”

A long, ragged intake of breath into nostrils sagging with age. “Ah mean ah ain’t got so long afore ah’ll be too far gone t’ do mah part with the Zap Apples. But somepony’s gotta.”

Apple Bloom looked up to her left, at her big brother. They needed Mac to handle the harvest itself—that was a sure thing every year. She looked up to her right, at her big sister. AJ was never one for stuperst… supidsit… the hokey stuff. Granny’s crazy Zap Apple rituals never sat right with AJ, so she wouldn’t be the one, either.

Did that mean… it was time?

“Apple Bloom,” rasped Granny Smith, “think that smart li’l unicorn friend ‘a yers would be up fer makin’ some Zap Apple jam?”

“An’ she told me there’d be no way ah’d remember all the steps!” Apple Bloom, trying her best to ignore all of the damnable happy shouts of the fillies and colts out on such a beautiful day, tossed the ball to Scootaloo.

“Well,” said Scoots, “she’s got a point, doesn’t she? You’re dumber than a pile of morons.” She bounced the ball in Sweetie Belle’s direction with a heady sproing.

Sweetie frowned. “Go easy, Scoots.” She gave the ball a light push back to Apple Bloom. “This ball’s pretty old.”

Eyes cast down to the ground, Apple Bloom said, “Look, ah get how this goes. Y’all get yer shots in whenever ah say somethin’ stupid, and we move right past it. An’ that’s fine.” She rested her head on the ball. “Ah just need a little more than that today. It ain’t usually mah own family thinkin’ ah’m dumb.”

“Right,” said Scootaloo, motioning for Apple Bloom to pass the ball, “ ‘cause you’re all at about the same level.”

The oft rumored indestructability of a red rubber ball accepted the challenge that was Scootaloo’s head, and it passed with flying colors—the color red, specifically, flying far out of the recess area. The never rumored indestructibility of Scootaloo’s head, feeling its reputation might not recover from this defeat, took on a challenge of its own: the rock jutting up from the ground behind the filly. Scootaloo’s head was clearly past its prime—two crushing losses in a row.

“Oops,” said Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle cringed for a moment, but settled back down when she saw Apple Bloom’s head nod back towards the ground. “Don’t worry about it, Bloom. She was asking for it today. And…” Sweetie rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. “I guess I wasn’t the most supportive friend there, either. Still want some help?”

Holding back a sniffle, Apple Bloom nodded, smiling.

A bright voice called from the schoolhouse doorway, “Recess is over, children! Let’s all get back inside for the second half, now.”

Sweetie turned to the schoolhouse. “Miss Cheerilee, it happened again!”

“What happ—” Cheerilee fixed her eyes on the mess. “Right, it. That’s okay, dears, but please tell her the next time you see her that she’s running out of sick days.”

“Family Appreciation Day, though, huh?” said Apple Bloom. “That’s an idea. Ah could get Granny to come ‘n tell one ‘a the family stories.”

The afternoon sun hung above, dappling the ground with the shadows of the apple trees. The pair were just now coming up to the greatest planning spot in the world: the clubhouse.

Sweetie Belle set hoof on the ramp up. “Well, what exactly is your goal here?”

“Ah think ah just want a little more respect, t’ be honest.”

Lips curled down guility, Sweetie said, “But from whom?”

Apple Bloom turned her gaze up, towards the sky and the approaching clubhouse door. “Anypony, really. Even if it ain’t from Granny. Even if it’s just from some ‘a the other kids.”

Sweetie nodded, opening the door.

“Ta-dah!” yelled Scootaloo.

The inside the clubhouse was a giant, quivering glob of newness. There was a giant banner hanging from the ceiling that read, in bold comic sans, “I’M SORRY I LET ON THAT I THINK YOU’RE DUMB!” There was a newly installed chalkboard on the back wall, upon which the phrase “I’ll be subtler next time!” had been scrawled and re-scrawled until every inch of the board was full. A red carpet had been rolled out—the kindergarten sort, covered in numbers and the alphabet. Even the hatrack by the door was now stocked with dunce caps that had been painted black, with little tassels affixed to the points. Truly, no expense had been spared.

In the center of it all was Scootaloo, beaming. “Pretty good for two hours of being alive, right?”

Apple Bloom, blank-faced, turned to Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle met her eyes, half hoping that Bloom would keep her cool and half hoping that Tartarus was about to be visited upon She Who Had Clearly Gone Too Far.

All at once, Apple Bloom smirked, turned, and dashed headlong at Scootaloo, hoof raised high.

Scootaloo shrieked pitifully and averted her eyes, waiting for it.

And kept waiting for it.

Apple Bloom giggled like the schoolfilly she was, and she turned back to Sweetie Belle. “Y’know,” she said, “in Scoots’ case, ah think ah can make do with fear.”

Three Fillies and a Baby (Baby Cakes)

The little bell above the door rang as the three fillies entered Sugarcube Corner. Scootaloo stepped through first, and she felt her stomach grumble as she did. "Oh man, I'm so freakin' hungry right now. I can't wait to eat one of those awesome brownies Mrs. Cake always makes."

"They taste kinda funny though, don't they?" asked Sweetie Belle as she followed behind Scootaloo.

"Shucks, I thought they were pretty darn tasty," Apple Bloom chimed in, shrugging. "Plus, Applejack says they help her relax."

"I dunno," said Scootaloo, "they just make me want to take a nap."

"Chocolate will do that to you," said a voice that seemingly came from the other room. They turned to look for the source but found nothing, at least not until Pinkie appeared from behind them. "Hey there!" she said happily waving her hoof. Suddenly there was a high-pitched wailing sound. "Oh, sorry. Can't talk right now. Gotta go take care of Pound and Pumpkin."

"Take care of who now?" Apple Bloom cocked her head to the side.

"The Cake's new twins," said Sweetie Belle with a hint of bitterness in her voice. "They're all Rarity has talked about for weeks."

“Wait, Mrs. Cake had twins?” said Scootaloo, raising an eyebrow. “I thought Mr. Cake was, like, whaddaya call it… important?” Luckily, before Sweetie Belle or Apple Bloom could respond to that question, there was a loud crashing sound from the other room, and the three of them exchanged worried glances.

“Uh… y’all think we should go check on Pinkie?”

They shared a quick nod before opening the door to the next room. Inside they found Pinkie Pie lying in the middle of a pile of toys, either asleep or unconscious, and two baby ponies laughing and giggling as they took turns throwing blocks at each other.

Apple Bloom inched over to Pinkie and nudged her shoulder. “Hey, Pinkie, you okay?”

She didn’t respond.

“I think she’s dead.”

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. She’s not Scootaloo. She’s probably just taking a nap. It’s really tiring taking care of twin babies.” Walking over to Pinkie, Sweetie kicked her in the stomach, but she didn’t move. “Yep, she’s just napping. We should probably wake her up though. It would be bad if the—Hey!” She cried out as Pound started hovering in the air. She turned to Scootaloo. “Stop him!”

Scootaloo groaned. “Whaaaaaaat. Why’s it gotta be me? Can’t AB stop him?”

Apple Bloom covered her mouth, snickering. “You jealous that little baby can fly and you can’t?”

Her eyes narrowing, Scootaloo rounded on Apple Bloom. “You just had to bring that up, didn’t you?” She fluttered her tiny wings. “Yeah, so maybe I can’t fly. So what? I could still beat this baby up in a fight.”

“I’m not sure that’s somethin’ to be proud of,” said Apple Bloom, frowning.

Sweetie Belle held up her hoof. “Hang on a second. I thought you could fly? I mean, didn’t you fly in that race awhile ago? Y’know, the one to be Rainbow Dash’s pet?”

Scootaloo quickly put a hoof over her mouth, making loud shushing noises. “Whoa, whoa, woah, don’t say that out loud!” She trotted over and leaned in to whisper into Sweetie’s ear. “It’s not as endearing if ponies know I can fly, all right? How am I supposed to scam them out of money if they know I’m not a cripple? When was the last time you saw a non-cripple rake in five-hundred bits at a charity?”

Cocking her head to the side, Sweetie regarded Scootaloo with a contemptuous look. “You’ve been… lying to ponies for money?”

Scootaloo gulped. “Well, I—”

“And you didn’t let me in on it!?” Sweetie punched Scootaloo in the shoulder.

Rubbing her shoulder, Scootaloo said, “Sorry, jeez. All right, you can help. Just pretend you can’t, like, do magic, or something.”

“Excuse me?” Sweetie raised her eyebrow, taking a step back. “What do you mean pretend?”

“Wait…” Scootaloo blinked a few times. “Are you saying you really can’t do magic? You’re not just faking it, like me?”

“I’m just a filly!” said Sweetie exasperatedly waving her hooves. “Of course I can’t do magic!”

“Uh, girls…” said Apple Bloom suddenly, causing the other two to look over at her. “Might need a little help.”

There, floating in the air, was Pumpkin, and she was spinning around Pound in her magic field all while giggling and chewing on a rubber chicken. She laughed, squeezed the chicken, and then let Pound fall. The little boy opened his wings and started buzzing around the room while Pumpkin picked up the other toys with her magic.

Scootaloo jabbed her hoof over her shoulder. “That baby can do magic.”

Sweetie’s eyes narrowed. “Oh yeah? Can she also do this!” Putting all the strength her tiny body could muster into her hooves, Sweetie shoved Scootaloo, causing her to tumble backwards and into a cabinet. At the top of the cabinet, a bag of flour shook precariously, and then tipped over, falling straight towards Scootaloo’s head.

“Not again!” Scootaloo cried, holding out her hooves in vain as the bag of flour fell on her face, covering her in the white powder and killing her immediately.

Sweetie Belle gulped, then walked over to Scootaloo and nudged her, but she didn’t move. “Whoops… sorry, Scoots. Wasn’t trying to kill you that time. I know flour is, like, your kryptonite.”

Apple Bloom shook her head, clicking her tongue. “C’mon,” she said, “we better get Scootaloo outta here ‘fore Pinkie wakes up and thinks she went all Tony Montana.”

Made in Dodgenham (The Last Roundup)

“Lunch break starts now!” shouted the overseer from his platform overlooking the assembly line. “You have twenty minutes.” A loud bell rang, signalling the machines to stop. As they ground to a halt, all the workers began shuffling towards the dining hall. In the middle of the crowd, three fillies attempted to squeeze through.

“I hope it’s not hay and oats again today,” said Scootaloo, sighing as she took off her cap and used it to wipe her brow. “I’m gettin’ friggin’ sick of that stuff.”

“At least it’s healthier than what you ate in Ponyville,” noted Sweetie Belle with a smirk.

Next to them, Apple Bloom looked like she was about to faint. “Y’all… I don’t think I can eat another meal here.” She clutched her stomach. “My body just ain’t used to this stuff.”

Sweetie raised her eyebrow. “Hay and oats? What, did you live on an all-apple diet?”

Apple Bloom didn’t respond.

Scootaloo laughed. “You did, didn’t you? Oh man… and you thought that one week I only ate licorice was bad, Sweets.” She nudged Sweetie Belle’s shoulder.

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes.

“So, like, what don’t you use apples for?” asked Scootaloo, turning back to Apple Bloom.

“Weeeeeeeeell—”

Scootaloo held up her hoof, silencing Apple Bloom. “Nevermind. Don’t wanna know.”

“Quiet!” shouted the overseer as they passed by him. “No talking during lunch!”

Instantly the three fillies fell silent, and hung their heads. In silence, they made their way to the dining hall, which was less of a hall and more of a dimly-lit room with poor ventilation. Normally they would grab bowls and wait in line to be served, but this time Apple Bloom spotted someone out of the corner of her eye. She cocked her head to the side and said, “Sis?”

Applejack looked up, her eyes suddenly lighting up. “Apple Bloom!” She ran over and hugged her sister, then noticed the other fillies standing next to her. “Hang on a sec. What are y’all doin’ here? Shouldn’t you be back in Ponyville?”

Sweetie Belle shot a glance at Scootaloo. “Well, we would be if somepony didn’t have the brilliant idea of following Twilight and the others here when they came to find you.”

“Twilight’s here?” asked Applejack, a look of concern coming over her face.

“Yep, and so is Rainbow Dash and the other three,” said Scootaloo.

“So, y’all found out where I was, huh?” Applejack made a “tch” sound with her mouth. “Well, shoot, guess I can’t hide it anymore.” She paused. “Wait a second, why are y’all here here? Like, in this factory here?”

Now it was Scootaloo’s turn to shoot Sweetie Belle a glare. “It’ll be easy, she said. We’ll make loads of money, she said.” Scootaloo shook her head. “Now I’m just kinda bored.”

“Bored?” said Applejack incredulously. “Do you understand what this place is? This is a Cherryconn factory, girl. We’re practically slaves, but with less freedom.”

“Huh,” remarked all three fillies at the same time.

“So, wait, we’re slaves now?” asked Apple Bloom. “But I thought Miss Jubilee said we could quit whenever we wanted?”

“Did she make you sign your names on a tiny piece of paper?”

They all nodded.

Applejack shrugged. “Guess y’all are stuck then.”

Apple Bloom shook her hoof. “Dang it! I knew I shoulda learned to read!”

Waving her hoof dismissively, Applejack said, “Nah, ain’t worth the effort, trust me. ‘Sides, I got a plan for getting outta this place.” She glanced around to make sure no one was listening in, and then she leaned into the group and started whispering. "I'm going to blow up the factory with a bomb I made out of spare parts I found lying on the ground, some toilet paper from the bathroom, and an old paperclip from the front office."

Nodding sagely, Scootaloo said, “Yep, makes sense to me. Let me do it, then.”

“Do what?” said Applejack.

“Y’know,” said Scootaloo, leaning in real close, and looking around shiftily, “let me plant the bomb.”

Applejack took a step back and regarded Scootaloo with questioning look. “I planted it this morning. Do you even know how a bomb works?”

Scootaloo threw up her hooves. “Well, all right, McGyver, then how am I supposed to heroically sacrifice myself?”

“Is it really all that heroic if you just come back?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Just shut up and let me do this, all right?” said Scootaloo, sighing.

Applejack raised an eyebrow. Sweetie Belle shrugged, so Applejack returned the shrug. “Well, all righty then, Scoots. If y’all wanna sacrifice yourself, then I guess go ahead. The bomb’s set to go off in two minutes. Make sure everypony gets outta here in time.” Applejack glanced at Sweetie and then at Apple Bloom. “C’mon, y’all. We better head towards the exit now.”

As soon as they’d left the room, Scootaloo jumped up on the nearest table and sucked in her breath. “THERE’S A FREAKIN’ BOMB! EVERYPONY GET OUT!”

All the workers looked up at her for a moment, then went back to eating, keeping their heads low. A few seconds later a guard grabbed Scootaloo by the legs and dragged her off the table while she shouted, “I tried to warn you! I tried to—”

A loud explosion rocked the factory as waves of intense heat washed over the dining hall expelling the entire workforce out into the desert landscape while Scootaloo was burned to a crisp, her tiny body being the only thing that shielded the rest of the ponies from dying.

Soylent Cider (Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000)

“Sooooooooo… someone wanna fill me in?”

Scootaloo stood next to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, doing her best to figure out what the heck she was looking at. There was a large machine with what appeared to a billion knobs, a conveyor belt, tons of tiny light bulbs, and, inexplicably, the whole thing seemed to be a giant vehicle.

“It’s for cider,” said Apple Bloom, though she sounded unsure of her answer. “...Or something.”

“That’s what those guys said it was,” replied Sweetie Belle, cocking her head to the side a bit. “It’s weird though, isn’t it? I mean, how does this thing even make apple cider?”

"I'm glad you asked that question, my dear," came a slick, fast-talking voice from behind her.

"A very good question, indeed," said a second, equally-sleazy voice.

All three fillies turned around to see two lanky stallions with straw hats and striped vests on. They bowed simultaneously, removing their hats and dipping dipping their heads. One had a mustache twirled around his snout, and the other wore a wide grin. The one with the mustache placed his hat back on his head saying, "This, my dear, is the Flim Flam Brothers Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000."

"And it," continued the other stallion, "has more than enough, shall we say, horsepower to make apple cider for the rest of your life, guaranteed."

"Or your money back," added the mustachioed stallion with a wink.

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow, a gesture shared by Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo as well. "So, y’all are sayin' this thing can make a lifetime supply of apple cider? What's the catch?"

"Yeah, how does this thing even work?" said Scootaloo, jumping in to the conversation.

Flim and Flam shared grins, then Flim answered, "Yet another excellent question, little filly. See this lever right here?" He indicated a thick metal bar that stuck out from the front seat of the machine, if you could even call it a seat.

"Once you pull this lever down," continued Flam, "a hose extends from the back and sucks up however many apples you want."

"Then," said Flim, "they go through this machine's patented conveyor belt design where they're smashed up and then squeezed into cider at the end."

Scootaloo cocked her head to the side, walking over to the elongated hose that protruded from the back like an elephant trunk. "So, this thing sucks up apples, huh?" She peered into it, seeing how far down it stretched.

Sweetie Belle, meanwhile, approached the front of the machine and placed her hoof on the lever. "You pull this one, right?"

Flim and Flam nodded simultaneously, responding together, "That's the one!"

She shrugged, "Well, let's see how it works then." With a firm tug, she pulled the lever down until it clunked into place. Suddenly there was a loud suctioning noise as the the machine sprang to life. Sweetie watched as the hose stretched out like a snake and started sucking up apples. They went from the hose into a little glass window where she could watch the apples as they were sorted. Then, somehow unsurprisingly, she saw Scootaloo banging her hoof against the window as she went past.

"Get me outta here!" cried Scootaloo, her voice muffled both by the loud machine and the glass.

Sweetie Belle whipped around. "How do I shut it off?"

Flim and Flam shot each other worried glances, then Flam said, "Ready, Flim?"

"Ready, Flam?"

"Let's bing bang scram!"

Then there gone in a trail of dust, leaving Sweetie Belle to turn back around slowly. She placed her hoof on the glass. "Scootaloo... I'm sorry, I couldn't--Oh, she's gone." Sweetie Belle started looking around. "Where'd she go?"

Apple Bloom pointed a shaky hoof at the front end of the machine where apple cider was coming out in waves. "We have to tell everyone... we have to warn them! Apple cider is ponies!"

Sweetie Belle groaned.

Scootaloo and the Boredom of the Crystal Dull (Read It and Weep)

Light from the torch flickered against the ancient stone walls, slick with moss and other slimy substances Scootaloo didn't want to imagine the origins of. She moved the torch a bit to the left, casting the fire's glow across some indecipherable etchings marked into the wall. She leaned in a little closer, trying to get a better view of them. Suddenly a hoof shot out and stopped her. Scootaloo glanced to the side and saw Rainbow Dash shaking her head. She nodded to a certain portion of the wall Scootaloo had almost rested her hoof on.

"Keep your hooves off everything," Rainbow muttered. "You almost hit that pressure plate and killed both of us, squirt."

Scootaloo gulped. She nodded furiously. "Okey dokey, Dr. Rainbow." Taking a short step back, Scootaloo held up the torch again. "Can you read what it says?"

Her eyes narrowing, Rainbow Dash bit her lip as she focused on the wall. "It says," she started off slowly, "'Beware those who enter here, for nothing save death awaits you. Lord Sombra's will be done.'"

Scootaloo let out a slow whistle. "Whoa... ominous, huh? Is that really what it says?"

"Eh? Oh, no, no," said Rainbow as she waved her hoof dismissively, chuckling. "Nah, it says something about crop yields, or something. I dunno, I can barely read this junk. I just thought it'd sound cooler the other way."

"Oh," said Scootaloo, sounding slightly disappointed. "Well, I guess that's good, right? It means there's probably not any deadly traps... right?"

Rainbow laughed harder than before. "Of course there's deadly traps, Scoot. Haven't you ever explored ancient ruins? This place is probably full of 'em. Heck, I bet you're standing on one right now!"

Scootaloo’s eyes shot down towards her hooves. She scanned around but didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. "Aaaaaaanyway, what are we doing here, again? I think we were trying to find something, right?"

Rainbow shrugged. "Yeah, I dunno, it's, like, some kinda crystal cup or something. I think it was the one Sombra drank from or something."

Scootaloo frowned, leaning up against the wall. "That's it? Why couldn't it be something more exciting, like--Aah!"

A trap door suddenly opened beneath them, causing both ponies to plummet downwards rapidly. They free fell for half a second, and then felt a bump.as they landed on a stone slide. Soon they were hurtling down into the abyss, their torches dropped when they fell. Darkness pervaded on all sides, and the only sensation they could feel was the inertia of speeding up as the slide angled downwards. Then, when it seemed like it couldn't get any darker, a faint red glow appeared at the end of the tunnel. It grew brighter and brighter as they approached.

Scootaloo gasped. "Is that lava!?"

Grimacing, Rainbow Dash groaned, "Lava... why'd it have to be lava?"

Faster and faster they rocketed down the slide, the glow from the lava now lighting everything and its heat started to make them both sweat. With the drop off rapidly approaching, Scootaloo’s mind raced.

"Rainbow, open your wings!"

"What? Oof!"

Scootaloo kicked as hard as she could, sending Rainbow soaring across the cavernous room and over the deadly lava. She, meanwhile, fell like a rock into the fiery pool. As soon as Rainbow landed safely on the other side, she turned back around just in time to see Scootaloo splash into the lava. As she began to sink below the surface, she held out her hoof, giving a thumbs up. Unfortunately, due to a distinct lack of thumbs, it really just looked like she was holding her hoof out for help, which just served to confuse Rainbow Dash even more.

Rainbow frowned. "Uhh... I coulda just flown us both to safety, y'know? I do have wings."

Scootaloo's eyes flashed open as she sat bolt upright in bed. She looked around and saw she wasn't surrounded lava. With a heavy sigh, Scootaloo said, "Man... even in my dreams I die."

Foals Who Chase Lost Rainbows (Hearts and Hooves Day)

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom stood in the doorway of Scootaloo’s room, the shadow from the figure inside cast across their faces. Rolling her eyes, Sweetie said, “She had to go and be dramatic, didn’t she?”

There, in the middle of the room, hanging from the ceiling fan was Scootaloo’s body, a bedsheet tied around her neck. As she gently swayed back and forth, Scootaloo’s lifeless corpse started to slip off the edge of the fan blade until it eventually flopped onto the ground.

Sweetie Belle shook her head, turning away. “Come on, Apple Bloom. Let’s go wait for her in the usual spot.”

“Wonder why she killed herself this time? Seems kinda weird, doesn’t it?” asked Apple Bloom as she turned away too, following Sweetie Belle.

“Who knows what’s going on in that filly’s mind,” said Sweetie Belle with a twinge of annoyance.

A few hours later, after they’d all met back up again at the clubhouse, Apple Bloom said, “So, somethin’ on your mind, Scoots? I mean… ya kinda killed yourself a little bit there.”

Sweetie Belle added, “If you say it’s for some stupid reason, I swear I’m gonna—”

“I’m asking Rainbow Dash to be my very special somepony,” said Scootaloo matter-of-factly. She leaned back against the clubhouse walls, silently enjoying the dumbstruck expressions on her friends faces.

“All right, let’s back things up a bit,” said Sweetie Belle once she’d regained her composure. Tapping her hoof against the floor, she shut her eyes. “You’re going to ask Rainbow Dash to be your special somepony? We are talking about the Rainbow Dash we all know, right? Isn’t she way older than you?”

“My sister once told me Rainbow Dash already has a special somepony,” said Apple Bloom, shrugging. She glanced over at Scootaloo. “It was kinda awhile ago, though, and when I asked her about it recently, she told me to go play in the yard. I dunno, maybe y’all got a chance.”

Sweetie Belle cocked her head to the side. “Are you guys kidding me? You’re completely glossing over the main problem here. It’s not whether Scootaloo has a chance, but that it’s really weird!”

Scootaloo rounded on Sweetie Belle, her eyes narrowed into thin slits. “Maybe you’re the one that’s weird. I just want Rainbow Dash to love me so she’ll adopt me.”

Letting out a sigh of relief, Sweetie Belle wiped her brow. “Oh, thank goodness. I was worried you were going to ask her out on a date or something. So, do you have a plan then?”

Grinning like a fool, Scootaloo produced a small crystal bottle with a small amount of pink liquid inside it. “I’m gonna give her this!” she said, proudly holding up the bottle.

“Is that the love potion from earlier?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Yup,” chirped Scootaloo. “And I’m gonna give it all to Rainbow Dash. I figure since I already love her I don’t need to drink it.”

Sweetie Belle shook her head slowly. “You idiot… don’t you remember what happened the last time we used that? Are you trying to make Rainbow love you, or fall in love with you?”

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it matters!” shouted Sweetie Belle, suddenly standing up. “You can’t date Rainbow Dash! She’s way too old for you! Plus, I think it’s illegal or something.”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Duh, I already told you I don’t want to date her. I just want her to love me. What aren’t you getting about this?”

“The part where you’re using a love potion!”

Laughing, Scootaloo retorted, “Yeah, so what? I want her to love me, right? It’s not a date potion, is it?”

“Well, shucks,” said Apple Bloom, standing up and making her way to Scootaloo’s side. “I think it’s a great plan.”

“Thank you, Apple Bloom,” said Scootaloo, dragging out the thank you as much as she reasonably could without looking like a huge jerk. “See? Why can’t you be supportive like AB, Sweets?”

Sweetie Belle threw her hooves in the air. “Okay, fine. Whatever. But this still doesn’t explain why you hung yourself.”

“Huh?” Scootaloo cocked her head to the side. “Oh, right. Yeah, see, I figured that I usually die, like, once a day or something, so I figured if I killed myself early on, it wouldn’t come back again later on, and I knew I didn’t want anything to go wrong when I went to talk to Rainbow Dash.”

Nodding slowly, Sweetie Belle said, “That is quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say…”

“Seemed like a good plan to me…” said Apple Bloom quietly.

Scootaloo waved her hoof dismissively. “Well, whatever. Anyway, I’m off to go win Rainbow’s heart!” She spun around, tucking the bottle under her wing, and headed for the door. As she threw open the door, and let the sun hit her face, she gave one last look over her shoulder at the other two ponies, shooting them a confident smirk.

“Good luck!” cried Apple Bloom, waving her hoof enthusiastically.

“When you do die, try not to make it too embarrassing,” said Sweetie Belle unenthusiastically.

Scootaloo laughed. “Don’t worry. I’m the epitome of coo—”

THWAK!

Slumping to the ground, Scootaloo’s dead body looked almost comical with the loose board plastered to her forehead by the rusty nail.

Sweetie Belle sighed. “Didn’t even make it out the front door.”

Pink Side Story (A Friend in Deed)

It was an unbelievably bright and sunny day in Ponyville when Scootaloo got her cutie mark. So bright and sunny, in fact, that if Scootaloo didn’t know any better, she’d say the sun seemed a bit bigger than usual, and it looked like it was getting closer every second. Of course, she did know better, and she told herself how silly it was to think that the sun would kill everyone on the planet the day she got her cutie mark. The idea was absurd.

However, today was not that day. That day was somewhere in the fog-filled future. This day, on the other hand, was an unbelievably normal day, or rather, believably normal and annoying. Today was the day school started up again, and Scootaloo couldn’t have been less excited.

“Great,” she muttered to herself as she rolled out of bed and plopped onto the floor. “This day’s gonna suck… hard.”

Going through her morning routine, which pretty much just involved rolling out of bed and walking downstairs to eat a bowl of porridge, Scootaloo waved goodbye to her mother and father and headed out the front door. As soon as she opened it, she was greeted by her two friends.

“Howdy!” said Apple Bloom enthusiastically.

“You’re late,” said Sweetie Belle as she sighed. “...Again.”

“Again? Today is the first day of class, isn’t it? How can I be late again?” asked Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes so hard, Scootaloo was sure they’d pop out of her head. “School started last week, you dummy. Summer break ended, like, nine days ago.”

Scootaloo considered this for a moment, her tongue sticking out slightly as she thought. “Huh… that’s right. I guess every day feels like the first day of school after summer is over, right?” She chuckled.

“I totally know how you feel,” said Apple Bloom, her eyes wide as she nodded in agreement. “It’s like I’m wakin’ up for school for the first time every morning.”

Shutting her eyes and letting out a slow and strained groan, Sweetie Belle muttered under her breath, “I’m surrounded by idiots.” Shrugging, she raised her voice and said, “Well, anyway, we should probably get going. Ms. Cheerilee will beat us again if we’re late.”

“Ms. Cheerilee never beat us,” said Apple Bloom, confused.

“I know that, obviously, Apple Bloom, but can’t you just let me pretend for awhile? It might actually make our lives more interesting for once,” snapped Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo frowned, pursing her lips. “Man, what’s your deal, Sweets? I mean, you’re not normally this mean. Didja wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, or something?”

Whipping around to Scootaloo, Sweetie shouted, “I woke up on the wrong side of your face!”

Biting her lip and cocking her head to the side, Scootaloo said, “So… wait, does that mean you—”

“Don’t read too much into it,” said Sweetie Belle, her voice back to normal. She sighed. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just mad because Mom and Dad have been too busy to do anything with me, and Rarity just keeps pushing me away all the time. It’s like no one wants to be around me lately.”

Scootaloo nodded sagely, patting her hoof on Sweetie Belle’s head. “I see, young filly. Yes, yes…” Suddenly, her face lit up and she snapped her hooves, which didn’t seem possible, but she did it somehow. “I’ve got it!” She wrapped her hoof around Sweetie’s neck and pointed her other hoof towards the sky. “I know how to get you outta the dumps, Sweets.” She grinned.

Sweetie Belle felt a sudden sense of fear in the pit of her stomach, like she was falling backwards into a dark hole. “No,” she said, holding out her hoof, struggling to escape Scootaloo’s grasp. “Don’t you even dar—”

Throwing her hooves wide, Scootaloo dropped Sweetie Belle to the ground and started to sing.

“My name is Scootaloo!
Hey oh!
And I am here to sing.
Wassup?
I’m gonna make you smile, and I will liven up your day!
It doesn’t matter how,
Yo,
Ya got to be so mad.
All righty?
‘Cause picking up your frown’s what makes Scootaloo so rad!”

Scootaloo reached out a hoof and helped Sweetie Belle stand up, obviously forgetting she was the one who knocked her to the ground in the first place. Nodding her head vigorously, Scootaloo said, “Keep going, right?”

Sweetie Belle’s ears flattened out. She shook her head just as, if not more, vigorously. “No, seriously, don—”

Scootaloo winked. “You don’t have to tell me twice!”

Breaking away from Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo reached for Apple Bloom, grabbing her by the hoof and swinging her around in circles as she continued to sing.

“‘Cause ya love to hear me sing, sing, sing!
Know ya do!
And I’m sure ya love to hear my voice ring.
Sure ya do!
‘Cause all I really need’s to sing, sing, sing!
For these happy friends of mine!”

The look on Sweetie Belle’s face was one of utter contempt, but that didn’t stop Scootaloo, not even for a second. She just shot the filly a beaming grin and soldiered on. Apple Bloom even started clapping along to the beat of the non-existent music, her face plastered with a cheery grin.

“I love to see you rant.
Cool!
I love to see you rave.
Awesome!
But when you act like such a jerk, it’s up to Scoots to save!
High five!”

Scootaloo stuck out her hoof for a high five, which Sweetie Belle did not return.

“And if you’re kinda angry,
And your mood is lookin’ down,
I’ll sing real loud and hit every note, fill every inch of this whole town!”

Grabbing the reluctant Sweetie Belle’s hoof, Scootaloo took Apple Bloom in her other hoof and started running down the street, laughing and shouting for them to follow her. She let go of their hooves as they reached a small park and leapt up onto a bench.Standing on her hind legs with a beaming grin across her face, she spread her hooves out wide.

“‘Cause I really love my friends, friends, friends,
‘Course I do!
Come sing along with me, we’ll make amends!
Just open up your hearts, my friends, friends, friends!
Spread your joy both far and near.”

Hopping off the bench, Scootaloo approached Sweetie Belle. Placing a hoof under her chin, she lifted the filly’s face up until the sun was shining on it, lighting it up with a warm glow. Sweetie Belle looked like she was struggling with something as she bit her lip, but all that concerned Scootaloo right now was getting her to stop being such a sourpuss.

Still holding her hoof under Sweetie’s chin and pointing her eyes towards the sky where a cloud was passing over, Scootaloo pointed at the passing cloud.

“Yeah, sure some days are kinda sucky,
And maybe you’re a little mad,
But is that any reason to blame it on your Mom and Dad?
If there’s one thing I know for sure, one thing I will never doubt,
Your parents love you, Sweetie Belle, you’ll never be without!”

The cloud slowly moved away, allowing sunshine to pour down. There, at the edges of her mouth, a smile started to worm its way across Sweetie Belle’s face.

Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, Scootaloo waved for her friends to follow her and hurried further down the street. Twirling around a light pole, she sang.

“I see you’re gettin’ happy!
Can’t hide that smile from me.
I guess my song did the trick,
AB, don’t you agree?”

Chuckling, Apple Bloom nodded happily.

“Y’know I can’t stand to see you seethe, seethe, seethe!
No can do!
I’m happy that you’re comin’ ‘round to see,
That I don’t!
Fills my heart with sadness when you seethe, seethe, seethe,
But now I’ve made your day!”

Fluttering her wings as she leapt from the light pole, Scootaloo landed right between Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. She put her hooves around both their necks and the three of them began to walk in tandem. All three filly’s faces were adorned with the brightest smiles one could imagine, and, as Scootaloo started to sing once again, even Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom joined in.

“Come on everypony, smile, smile, smile!
Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine!
All I really need’s a smile, smile, smile,
From these happy friends of mine!”

Scootaloo then broke off and began to sing her own verse while Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle continued the chorus.

“Yes, the perfect gift for me!”

“Come on everypony, smile, smile, smile!”

“Is a smile as wide as a mile!”

“Filly my heart up with sunshine, sunshine!”

“To make me happy as can be!”

“All I really need’s a smile, smile, smile!
From these happy friends of—”

Scootaloo began to spin around in in circles, surrounded by her friends, and an extra pony she didn’t notice at first.

“Smile, smile, smile, smile, smile!
Come on and smile!
Come on and sm—”

KABOOM

A loud explosion rocked the area, sending Scootaloo to the ground while Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom covered their ears. The two fillies still standing turned to see Pinkie Pie standing next to her party cannon, still smoking with confetti, and an angry look on her face.

She pointed to Scootaloo and said, “That’s copyright infringement! Nopony steals my songs!”

A horrified look on her face, Sweetie Belle yelled, “Pinkie! What the heck! You just killed Scootaloo over a song!”

Cocking her head to the side, Pinkie said, “No I didn’t. I just shot confetti in her face to teach her a lesson about copyright infringement. She’s fine, look.” Pinkie nodded towards Scootaloo who was busy shaking her head as she tried to get up.

“Gah,” said Scootaloo, taking a hoof and smacking it against the side of her head. “My ears are ringing. What’s in that thing, confetti?”

“Yep!” chirped Pinkie Pie, happily leaning against the cannon.

Sweetie Belle shook her head slowly. Walking over to Scootaloo’s side, she started pulling bits of paper out of the filly’s mane, then she helped her stand up. Sweetie smiled softly. “Hey… thanks for that, Scootaloo. I think I needed it.”

Scootaloo blushed, chuckled. “Aww shucks, Sweets. You woulda done the same for me, right?”

“Uhh…”

“Well, that doesn’t matter anyway,” said Scootaloo, waving her hoof dismissively. “That’s what friends are for. I’m just glad I could turn that sad frown upside down.”

Pinkie swiveled her cannon menacingly. She shook her head slowly.

Scootaloo gulped. “Right, sorry, sorry. Anyway, we’re probably way late for school now, huh? Sorry about that, heh.”

Sweetie shrugged. “Oh well, one late day won’t kill us.”

Suddenly, Apple Bloom’s eyes went wide. “Kill us! Wait, get away from Scootaloo! Something’s probably about to kill her. It always does at the end of these songs!”

Both Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo started looking around, and towards the sky, trying to find anything that might fall suddenly and squash them.

“I don’t see any chandeliers,” said Sweetie.

“And it isn’t winter,” said Scootaloo. Shrugging, she added, “I guess that means I’m safe. Plus, heh, I already offed myself once this morning after I woke up, just in case.”

“So… does that mean you’re not going to die?” asked Apple Bloom, cocking an eyebrow.

Scootaloo pursed her lips. “Well, I don’t know about the rest of the day, but I think I’m okay for right now. Plus, it just wouldn’t feel right after such a heartwarming song, right? Kinda puts a damper on the whole thing.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” said Apple Bloom.

“Well, come on, then!” cried Scootaloo, reaching out and pulling her two friends into a tight hug. “Let’s get to class before Cheerilee gets really mad.”

“Yeah!” shouted the other two ponies in unison, and then they took off running down the street towards the schoolhouse.

Once they were out of earshot, Pinkie Pie sighed. “Kids these days, huh? Well, come on, Mr. Cannon. I hear there’s a new person in town today. It’s time to roll out the welcome wagon.” Hitching up the rope tied to the cannon on her tail, Pinkie dragged it away, skipping merrily.

Lose Lose (Putting Your Hoof Down)

While walking down the street to school one day, Scootaloo noticed a poster nailed to a nearby fence. As she read the sign, her eyes went wide and a smile spread across her face. She ripped it from its holdings and rushed off to school.

Scootaloo slammed the poster down on the desk, smirking proudly. She glanced over at Sweetie Belle, then Apple Bloom. “Pretty sweet, huh?”

Lifting up the poster, Sweetie Belle frowned. “Iron Will’s Iron Cage. One night only. In the hedge maze after the seminar,” she read. Her frown deepened. “I don’t get it.”

Scootaloo gave a mocking laugh. “Duh, isn’t it obvious?” She puffed out her chest. “I’m gonna enter that cage match, and I’m gonna win!”

Sweetie Belle blinked a few times. Apple Bloom, in turn, faced Scootaloo. “Uhh… how exactly are y’all planning on winning a cage match… against a monster?”

“He’s not a monster. He’s a minotaur,” said Scootaloo matter-of-factly. “And anyway, I’ve got this no problem, y’know why?” Sweetie Belle started to respond, but Scootaloo interrupted her with a hoof jab to her chest. “Because I can’t die!”

“So… I realize that you’re kind of stupid, but do you really not understand how these things work?” said Sweetie Belle, cocking her head to the side. “I mean, for one, you can die; you die all the time, in fact. Second, what does that have to do with fighting in a cage match anyway? You may be, like, weirdly immortal, but that doesn’t mean you can fist fight a literal monster.”

“Minotaur,” corrected Scootaloo. She waved her hoof. “Trust me. I’ve got a foolproof plan to win this thing.”

“Oh yeah?” said Apple Bloom, leaning in towards Scootaloo. “How’s that?”

Smirking, Scootaloo slowly lifted her hoof and then brought down on the poster, right below one tiny line written in fine print with a little asterisk next to it. “That’s how.”

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle exchanged glances, then Sweetie said, “Sometimes, Scootaloo, you’re not so stupid after all.”

The announcer’s voice boomed out above the din of the rowdy crowd. “What an exciting turn of events, folks! Our next challenger is… a filly!”

Iron Will tensed his muscles, cracking his neck as he pushed against the cage’s walls. “I pity the fool who challenges Iron Will! If you’re coming to collect, you’re gonna get wrecked!” He flexed his massive arms, rolling his shoulders and snorting loudly.

Scootaloo stood at the opposite corner of the cage, leaning against the wall casually. She yawned. “You done, bud?”

Bouncing on the balls of his hooves, Iron Will made a few quick jabs at the air. “Oh hohoho, this little filly’s that confident? Just don’t beg for mercy when Iron Will has you pinned down. You expect mercy, and all you’ll get is… uhh, pursy!”

“Is that even a word?”

“It’s a word!” shouted Iron Will defiantly. “Enough talk, filly. Now it’s time for Iron Will to lay the hurt down on you… Iron-style!” He shot a glance towards the referee.

The referee, one of Iron Will’s many goat minions, nodded hurriedly, kicking a bell to signal the start of the match. As soon as he heard the ding, Iron Will sprung into action, charging straight at Scootaloo.

Unfazed, Scootaloo simply stood there, not moving a muscle. She smirked just a tiny bit, right before Iron Will leapt into the air and then pile drived on top of her. Her world went black just as the crowd started cheering in excitement.

Iron Will rolled over, his eyes going wide in horror when he saw what had happened to his opponent. He jumped up and started making motions at his throat to the goats running the show. “Uh, the match is over now! No more for tonight, so you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here!”

There were boos from the crowd, but Iron Will ignored them. One by one the lights clicked off and the goats swarmed the cage as they started to disassemble it. Feeling a tapping on his back, Iron Will turned around to see two fillies looking up at him expectantly.

“Iron Will’s Iron Cage is over now, kids,” he said, attempting to wave them off.

Sweetie Belle nodded to Apple Bloom. “Show it to him.”

Apple Bloom grinned, whipping out the poster from before. She held it up to Iron Will’s face, one hoof pointing at the fine print at the bottom. “And we ain’t takin’ no for an answer.”

Iron Will bit his lip. “I knew I shoulda never put that ‘death or injury’ clause there. All right, fine. If it’ll get you kids off my back,” he turned to a goat wearing a tight-fitting suit, “pay them the agreed amount.”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes narrowed. “How much is that?”

The goat pulled out a notepad and scribbled something on it. He showed it to the pair of fillies.

“Are you kidding me!?”

“Well, how much did we get?” asked Scootaloo eagerly, leaning up against the clubhouse’s wall.

Sighing, Sweetie Belle said, “Twenty-five bits...”

“...What?” Scootaloo’s mouth fell open. “A measly twenty-five bits? That’s kid stuff!” She sighed. “All right, fine. Well where’s my share, then?”

Sweetie Belle looked around awkwardly. “Uhh… well…” She turned to Apple Bloom.

Apple Bloom tried to hide it by turning away, but everyone could see the massive bulge in her cheeks. Trying her best to talk with her mouth full, Apple Bloom said, “It washin’t very much, sho we shpent it on jawbreakersh.”

Closing her eyes, Scootaloo said, “Well, where are my jawbreakers, then?”

Apple Bloom gulped, “Uhh… theshe are the lasht two…”

Scootaloo nodded slowly. “Next time you get to cage match with a monster.”

“Minotaur,” Sweetie Belle corrected.

“Oh, shut up.”

It Happened One Day (It's About Time)

“All right, are you ready, AB?” shouted Scootaloo, cupping a hoof over her mouth as she shouted down at her two friends. “I’m itchin’ to do this.”

Apple Bloom brought down the hammer on a wide nail, driving it the final few centimeters into the rickety wood ramp. Spitting the hammer out, she looked up at Scootaloo and nodded. “Yep, s’ready as it’s ever gon’ be… I think.” She gave the ramp an exploratory kick. It shook a bit, but didn’t fall. “I’unno, but it seems steady enough. You probably won’t die horribly, but I ain’t makin’ any guarantees. AJ always said to never make promises ya can’t keep.”

“Yeah, whatever, as long as it holds for at least one jump, I’m calling it a success,” said Scootaloo, waving her hoof dismissively. “All I need to do is break the Ponyville jump record once, and then my name will go down in history as the greatest jumper to ever live.”

“I mean…” Apple Bloom scratched the back of her head with a screwdriver. “If ya’ll wanna call it ‘history’, then whatever, but really you’re just gettin’ your name scratched into the inside of the tube at the playground.”

Scootaloo puffed out her chest proudly. “That’s good enough for me!”

Apple Bloom shrugged. “Whatever you say, Scoots.”

“All right, Sweets,” said Scootaloo, turning her gaze to the napping filly in the adirondack chair. “You ready to start the countdown?”

Stirring from her nap, Sweetie Belle yawned. “Sure, whatever.”

“Sweet…” Scootaloo tightened the straps on her helmet, pulled her goggles down, and then gave a confident smirk. “Let’s wreck this sh—”

Before Scootaloo could finish, the ramp completely caved in on itself in a spectacularly flashy crash that left the squished between two planks of wood, with nails impaling her on every side. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle stood in silence for a moment, then glanced at each other.

Sweetie Belle sighed, rolling out of the chair and stretching out her hooves. “Welp, I guess we better go get her, huh?”

“Guess so,” replied Apple Bloom.

The fillies turned away, leaving Scootaloo’s limp body amidst the pile of rubble. As they walked down the street, towards the edge of town, Apple Bloom frowned. “Hey, do you ever think about how little we care that Scootaloo dies a bunch? I mean, don’t it seem kinda weird? Did we just get used to it at some point? Is it something we should get used to? No matter how you look at, our friend’s still dyin’, so maybe we should care more.”

Sweetie Belle stopped, putting her hoof on Apple Bloom’s shoulder. “Apple Bloom, there are a lot of things in this world that don’t make sense, and Scootaloo’s apparent immortality is one of those things. You can’t read too much into this stuff, y’know? You’ll drive yourself crazy thinking about it. Scootaloo dies a bunch, and that’s that. If you start assigning meaning to it… you’re gonna have a bad time.”

“I guess,” said Apple Bloom, kicking at the dirt. “Still though, maybe we should do more to help her?”

“Help her how?” shot back Sweetie, raising her eyebrow. “What do you think you could do to help Scootaloo? Clearly the universe wants her dead, but something else wants her alive, so she’s stuck in an endless loop… or something. I really have no idea. Either way, what does it matter?”

“It does matter, doesn’t it?” said Apple Bloom, unsure of the answer herself.

“Look, until Scootaloo says that she wants help trying to solve this mess—if that’s even possible—there’s no point in trying figure it out, so don’t bother.” Sweetie Belle took her hooves off Apple Bloom’s shoulder and started walking again. “For now, all we can do is keep on living our lives as normally as we can. Scootaloo seems content enough as it is, so there’s no need to go changing the status quo.”

“So, what? We jus’ leave things how they are? We go on lettin’ Scootaloo die over and over again?”

Sweetie Belle shrugged. “Yep.”

Pursing her lips, Apple Bloom hesitated a moment, then nodded. “Well, all righty then. In that case, let’s go get Scoota—”

“Whoo hoo hoo!” cried a familiar voice, interrupting Apple Bloom. The house next to them exploded into a shower of splinters as a massive three-headed dog burst through it, with Scootaloo riding on its back. She was holding on to its collar with one hoof, and waving the other in the air wildly. “Whoa ho ho there, Cerby. Don’t kill my friends too, heh.” Scootaloo fluttered her wings and hopped off the giant dog, landing next to Sweetie and AB. “Sup guys, Cerberus here decided to give me a ride back this time so I wouldn’t have to walk. It’s a heck of a long way to Tartarus, y’know?”

“We know,” said Sweetie Belle, chuckling. “It’s not like we’ve never picked you up.”

Suddenly, a second familiar voice appeared. “Cerberus? He’s supposed to be guarding the gates of Tartarus! This must be the disaster!”

“Is that Twilight?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Sounds like it,” replied Sweetie Belle.

“The only disaster here is that I didn’t get my goodbye kiss from Cerberus,” said Scootaloo sadly. She watched as Twilight led the massive dog away from the town and back towards Tartarus. “I really love that guy. Nicest dog you’ll ever meet.” She paused a moment. “Three heads are a bit off putting, I’ll admit. Cool guy though.”

“Hey, Scootaloo,” said Sweetie Belle. Scootaloo turned around, and Sweetie smiled. “You know we love you, right?”

Laughing, Scootaloo wrapped her hooves around Sweetie and AB, pulling them into a tight hug. “‘Course I know that. I love you guys, too.”

Bludgeons and Dragons (Dragon Quest)

Scootaloo hefted her broadsword, resting it on her shoulder, which was protected by thick leather armor, not that she would have needed it since Scootaloo was so tough anyway. The helmet that rested on her head, too large for her foal-sized skull, slipped down over her eyes when she turned to look at Sweetie Belle. Lifting the horned helmet back up, she said, “Hey, where’s Apple Bloom? Wasn’t she supposed to be here already?”

"That's what I thought, but—"

"Hey, ya'll! I'm here!" yelled Apple Bloom as she hurried towards the other two fillies, dragging her long cloak behind her. When she reached their side, she doubled over, wheezing. "Whoo... sorry I'm late, girls. Took me awhile to sew this thing," she said, holding up the hem of her cloak.

“Well, whatever, at least you’re here now,” said Scootaloo with a sigh. “Now we can finally get going. This quest ain’t gonna complete itself, y’know.”

Apple Bloom held up her hoof. “Actually, I was wonderin’ about that. What’re we doin’ on this quest again?”

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes, throwing her robes over her shoulder. Lifting her staff, she pointed to a far off mountain that loomed in the distance. “We’re gonna go kill that dragon that lives up there. Weren’t you even listening yesterday?”

Chuckling, Apple Bloom adjusted the brooch on her cloak. “I was actually asleep while we were talking about it. But slayin’ dragons, huh? Sounds like a hoot to me.”

“It’s not a ‘hoot’,” said Scootaloo, her voice and demeanor suddenly very serious. “We’re going to murder the heck out of a big dangerous dragon dude, not take a hike down the river for a picnic with some fruity little wood nymphs.” She stomped her hoof. “This dude isn’t messin’ around.”

Apple Bloom held up her hoof. “Sorry, didn’t mean to imply nothin’. Just… I ain’t never been on a real dragon quest before. Applejack always said it was too dangerous for me to go with her when she used to slay dragons.”

“Wait, what?” said Scootaloo, cocking her head to the side.

“What?” said Apple Bloom.

“You just said something about Applejack slaying dragons,” said Sweetie Belle, taking Scootaloo’s side and cocking her head as well.

“Oh, that,” replied Apple Bloom, waving her hoof dismissively. “Yeah, AJ used to hunt ‘em for money when the farm was slow, but she doesn’t really do it anymore. We don’t really talk about it much. Kinda boring really.”

Scootaloo nodded her head slowly. “Riiiiiiight. Um, well anyway, I guess we should probably head out, huh?” The other two fillies nodded in agreement, and Scootaloo held out her broadsword, pointing towards the mountain. Of course, it was way too heavy for her and she dropped it almost immediately. While she struggled to pick it back up, she said, “Okay, you girls get behind me and we’ll walk in a single-file line. I’m the warrior, so I go first. AB, you stay behind me since you’re our monk, and Sweets you can be last since you’re our druid.”

“Why do we have to walk in a single-file line?” asked Sweetie Belle, frowning. “And why do you get to be the leader?”

As Scootaloo finally tugged her sword free from the ground, she said, “Haven’t you ever been on a dragon quest before? That’s how everyone on these kinds of quests walks.”

“Fine, whatever,” said Sweetie sighing. “I don’t even care. It’s not going to take that long to get there anyway, right? I mean, how far away is that mountain really?”

Apple Bloom squinted, placing a hoof over her brow. Biting her lip, she stared for a few seconds before saying, “Uh, it’s kinda been awhile since AJ had me do this for her, but if my skills ain’t too rusty that mountain is about a five-day hike from here, not to mention the full day it’ll take to climb it.”

“What!?” shouted Sweetie Belle, her mouth dropping. “I don’t have time to take a week and a half to go kill some stupid dragon! Forget this!” Ripping off her robes, Sweetie tossed them and her staff to the ground where the cheap wood snapped in half. “I’m going back home.”

“Aww, come on,” said Scootaloo holding out her hoof, “don’t be like that, Sweets! We got dragons to slay.”

“What about one ‘a them guys?” said Apple Bloom, nodding towards the sky. All three fillies looked up to see hundreds of dragons of all different sizes and colors passing over them, their scaly bodies blotting out the sun. Apple Bloom nodded knowingly. “Yep, it’s about that time, I guess. Kinda forgot about it, but this is around the time all the dragons start migrating south for the winter.”

Scootaloo laughed. “What are they, ducks? Buncha babies can’t take the co—”

She was stopped midsentence as a dragon swooped down, claws outstretched, and scooped her up in a blur of color. Sweetie and Apple Bloom watched as the dragon carried her away, taking her back up to the rest of his group. Clicking her tongue, Apple Bloom shimmied out of her robes and said, “Okay, I’m done too. Can’t do much without a warrior anyway. Wanna go hang out at the clubhouse?”

Sweetie Belle shrugged. “Meh, I’m not doing anything else.”

My Beautiful Lament (Hurricane Fluttershy)

Author's Note

This chapter was guest written by my friend RazgrizS57.

My Beautiful Lament (Hurricane Fluttershy)

“No offense, Scootaloo,” Rainbow Dash said, glancing between her stopwatch and the glass-eyed filly gripping her leg, “but you can’t exactly fly. There’s no real way for you to contribute to creating the tornado.”

“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?” Scootaloo pleaded, grossly exaggerating the syllable to the point no sane person would ever want to hear it stressed again. “I can help! I need to help! Cloudsdale won’t be able to get the rainwater they need without the help of every pegasus in Ponyville!”

“That’s a bit of another problem,” Rainbow Dash said with a sigh. She adjusted her really cool hat to avert her gaze of the field in the distance. “We’re all going to have to push ourselves harder than I first thought, for sure. Even if you can learn to fly in time, I seriously doubt you’d be able to go fast enough—”

“I can use my scooter!” Scootaloo cried. “I’m really quick on that! That’d work, wouldn’t it? Please, Rainbow Dash!”

“I guess you could do laps around the reservoir,” Rainbow Dash mused. She smiled a little at the thought, though for what reason she didn’t know. “Alright, fine. You can go in circles with us on your scooter. Just promise you won’t get in the way, alright? I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“I promise!” Scootaloo exclaimed, and she hugged her leg tighter.

Rainbow Dash didn’t notice because by this point it had gone completely numb.

Scootaloo drifted in the middle of the reservoir along with several other pegasi. She stood on her scooter, with big floaties wrapped around the board to keep it afloat. They probably should’ve been on her legs since she couldn’t swim, but she paid the thought no mind. Besides, as long as she held onto the handlebars, she was perfectly safe. It wasn’t like she was top heavy or anything.

The first tornado attempt had been an utter flop. They almost had it, sure, but in the end they simply couldn’t get going fast enough. Rainbow Dash was back in the air, however, throwing around orders to get everypony geared up for a second attempt. She buzzed around them all when she heard a queer shouting from below. She looked down, and for a second she thought she saw an unusually large rubber ducky, but she couldn’t give it further scrutiny because she was too busy entertaining the thought and giggling to herself. She muttered something about baths and went right back to preparing everypony.

Scootaloo was the most ready of them all. She was always ready, except for the times when she wasn’t, but she was always ready to get ready. This was not one of those times, as she was already ready, keeping focused on helping out in creating the tornado. She circled around for practice, checking the stability of her waterscooter. It wasn’t long before a horn blared over the reservoir, signaling everypony it was time to get to work.

Scootaloo deftly buzzed her wings and took off around the rim. As the pegasus ponies around her gained speed, the water began to funnel upwards from the center, pushing Scootaloo up against the walls of the reservoir as she continued to accelerate. She was faster on water than some of the other pegasi were in the air, and she was zipping laps around along with the tornado as it gradually took shape.

She probably should’ve worn goggles, as her eyes fell deep into their sockets and the sheer force stopped her from keeping them shut, her cheeks flapping in the wind. She probably should’ve gotten goggles after the first time this happened. Nonetheless, she continued to push herself harder and harder, and it became all the more difficult to keep her head down as the gravity on her body increased. Her chin slid upwards against her will, pushing her gaze up into the eye of the tornado, at all the water and feathers spinning all around her. It looked like a colorful rinse cycle or a really bad disaster movie.

For a second, it seemed like the tornado was going to fall apart again, but then she spotted a yellow-pink speck enter the wall of the tornado. It was the slowest of them all, and that it actually wasn’t being thrown out was a feat in and of itself. The speed increased ever slightly when all of the sudden, everything exploded.

They had succeeded. The water erupted out of the top like a fountain, firing all the water in the reservoir off to Cloudsdale in a long, elegant stream. After all the water drained, everypony slowed down, breaking apart the tornado. All the pegasi landed, cheering at their triumph and already setting up a party to celebrate their record-breaking accomplishment.

All except for one filly, who was already deep within the belly of Cloudsdale’s raincloud factory.

The Postmare Always Dies Twice (Ponyville Confidential)

A thick haze filled the room, making the cramped office feel even more muggy than usual. The blinds were half drawn, but even then the light that seeped in through the cracks was enough to make Scootaloo more than a little uncomfortable. She never complained though, and she wouldn't dream of changing it. As uncomfortable as it made her feel, she knew it made her clients even more uncomfortable, and that was a good thing. It's hard to lie when you've got the sun beating down on your face and the smoke intensifies it by making a mini greenhouse. Scootaloo didn't like it when her clients lied. She'd lost a lot of good partners that way.

Her current partner, a cute little drink of water with a bow and an accent that said she meant business, was sitting across from her on the opposite side of the desk, patiently waiting for Scootaloo to say something. The door to the waiting room was cracked open a bit, and Scootaloo could hear the steady click clack of the typewriter as her secretary, Ms. Belle, filled out the day's reports. Of course, they couldn't actually afford a typewriter, so she was just tapping her hooves on the desk, but the effect was the same.

"Kinda hot, ain't it?"

The comment caught Scootaloo off guard. Not because it was an unreasonable question, but because she was facing away from Apple Bloom in a high-backed chair, so it merely startled her a bit. Without turning around, Scootaloo replied, "It's, like, the middle of summer. Of course it's hot."

"Then why are we sitting inside a smoky room in the middle of summer?"

Scootaloo sighed. "Because it's part of the atmosphere, AB. Haven't you ever read a noir novel?"

"No," she answered simply.

"Just read your lines and don't improvise."

Even though she couldn't see, Scootaloo could tell that Apple Bloom was rolling her eyes at that moment. Murmuring something, she said, "So, word around town is that you picked up a new client the other day, Scoots. Dame with a dress two sizes too small and eyes you could get lost in."

Scootaloo nodded at the window. "She was a pretty thing. Think Ms. Belle might've even been a bit jealous. Isn't that right, sweetheart?"

"You're a real lady killer, Scoots," said Sweetie Belle from the other room, a noticeable amount of sarcasm in her voice.

"What did she want?" asked Apple Bloom.

"Says she's worried about a guy tailing her. According to her she's done nothing wrong, but if I know dames, and I do, she's got herself into more trouble than she knows how to handle.”

Apple Bloom stood up and walked over to the door, closing it all the way as quietly as she could. As she walked back to Scootaloo’s desk, she leaned in, whispering, “If she’s got some stiff tailing her, then she’s bit off more than she can chew, that’s for sure. The real question is what did she bite into?”

“The Maltese Griffon,” said Scootaloo matter-of-factly. “She says it’s some priceless statue from the war, or maybe it’s a unsigned piece by a famous artist. She kept changing her story. Either way, I’ve never heard of it, and so that must mean it’s big. Don’t worry, Bloom. I can tell you’re getting nervous. You’re always quiet when you’re nervous. I’m not gonna get in over my head. I’m just sticking my nose in a bit to see if I can’t sniff out some kinda profit, then I’m right back out.”

Apple Bloom gave a gruff laugh. “That’s what you said last time, Scoots, and look where you ended up. Three weeks in the hospital bed on a morphine drip and a bit of metal from your spleen as a souvenir. You really wanna go down that road again?”

Laughing back, Scootaloo said, “You worry too much. I’ll be fine. Although,” she paused, “there is one more thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

Frowning, Apple Bloom watched the back of Scootaloo’s chair. “What is it, Scoots? Somethin’ come up?”

“Right after that poor mare with the shadow problem came in, another came in a few minutes later.”

“Oh yeah? What’d she want?”

“Wants us to investigate a murder, says it’s real important.”

Apple Bloom hesitated a moment. “Who’s the vic?”

The chair started to turn slowly. Lines of light from the window streaked across the fabric, and then across Scootaloo’s face as she completely turned around. “Me…” said Scootaloo, a knife protruding from her chest. A few seconds later her eyes rolled back in her head and she slumped back into the seat.

Apple Bloom let out a loud and exaggerated gasp, dragging it out for far too long. “Bum bum buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!”

The door opened up and Sweetie Belle walked in holding a piece of paper. “Aaaaaand scene! Okay, I think that went pretty well, huh?”

“Yup!” chirped Apple Bloom happily. “All right, Scootaloo, scene’s over. You can get up now.”

Scootaloo remained in the seat, blood now pooling at her hooves. Sweetie Belle approached her, nudging her shoulder with a hoof. “Huh,” she remarked. “She’s dead. Like, actually dead.”

“Wait,” said Apple Bloom, holding up a hoof. “Does that mean we got a real murder mystery on our hooves?”

Sweetie Belle shrugged. “It’s either that or a really stupid plot twist. Take your pick.”

“Hmm…”

“Not a real question, Bloom,” said Sweetie, shaking her head.

Scoota Punch (MMMystery on the Friendship Express)

Author's Note

This chapter was guest written by my friend Pav Fedora.

Scoota Punch (MMMystery on the Friendship Express)

“This bites!” Scootaloo pulled at the hem of her sailor fuku. “Why is Miss Cheerilee making us wear these lame school uniforms?”

“Ah think we look cute, day-su,” Apple Bloom chirped.

“We always look cute. These outfits are just… creepy and inappropriate.” Scoots gave her skirt a few more futile tugs. “Seriously, did some dirty old stallion pick these out? This barely covers my flanks.”

Sweetie Belle had gotten really good at scoffing sarcastically. Even Scootaloo had to admit how impressive her delivery was. “Stallions don’t like mares that are half-naked. We’re always naked.”

“Oh.” Scootaloo chuckled sheepishly. “Duh.”

“Nah, see, stallions go for mares with lots of clothes. Like, lots. Forelock to fetlock.” Shuddering, Sweetie let out something between a groan and a gag. “One time I walked in on Rarity wearing a hazmat suit. You do not want to see your own sister looking like that.”

“Huh?” Apple Bloom tilted her head. “Why not?”

“Whoa!” AB and Sweetie ran into Scootaloo’s outstretched hooves with a grunt. “Get a load of that,” Scoots whispered reverently. Ahead of them, Big Macintosh staggered out of Sugarcube Corner, struggling to hold aloft a magnificent, monumental mass of moist mcake. Scootaloo wiped away her drool with the back of a hoof. “I’m gonna eat that.”

“Don’t even think about it,” snapped Sweetie. “The Cakes have been perfecting that recipe for months. They won’t let you have any.”

“Don’t care. Gonna eat it.”

“Girls, back up, why is it not okay to look at your sister wearing clothes?”

Sweetie narrowed her eyes and poked Scootaloo in the chest. “They will literally kill you.”

Scootaloo smirked. “Bring it on.”

“Hmph,” Apple Bloom pouted, kicking at the dirt. “Ah think Applejack would look beautiful in a snowsuit.”

“And stay out!” Pinkie hissed as the shadowy figure retreated back into the sleeping car. Rushing back to the table, she looked over every glazed inch of the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. “Thank goodness,” she moaned, hanging her head. “You’re still safe.”

Perfectly jinxed, the door to the sleeping car was bucked open, and then exploded. “Not for long!” Scootaloo emerged from the carnage, her sailor fuku fluttering in the smoky breeze.

“A-ha!” Pinkie Pie pointed pointedly at the pegasus. “I should’ve known it was you all along, Scootaloo. But the only dessert you’re getting is just desserts.”

“You don’t understand...” Scootaloo raised her forehooves out of the swirling ash. Duct-taped to one, a wakizashi. Duct-taped to the other, an MP9. “...how bad I want that cake.”

“And you don’t understand,” said Pinkie, rising onto her hind hooves and taking a fighting stance, “just how serious the Cakes were about security.”

“Bring it on, then!” Scootaloo charged at the pink one, her pleated skirt flaring behind her. Pinkie lunged, but Scoots set her wing abuzzing, skidding sideways just enough for the punch to sail past her ear. With a roar and a forward flip, she brought her ninja blade down hard on Pinkie’s exposed foreleg, slicing apart sheet metal and exposing the wiring beneath. “H-Huh?” Scootaloo tried to pull back, but the sword duct-taped to her hoof was lodged firmly into the cut.

Pinkie—or rather, the Pony-Incinerating Nuclear-Kombustion Instrument of Eradication 3000—flashed its laser-red eyes at the young filly before pointing its side-mounted flamethrower squarely at her muzzle. “Error loading witty_oneliner_175.aac,” she said, before washing over Scootaloo with a torrent of blue-white flame.

“Nyaaar! Bkooo! Pshuuu!” Pinkie slammed her action figures against one another with loud, plastic clacks, as she provided fitting sound effects.

“Pinkie Pie!” Twilight shouted above the din while meanwhile snatching the deerstalker hat back. “Can you shut your sugar funnel for just one second?”

“Pow!” One final slam sent her ninja action figure flying. Scootaloo ducked, narrowly avoiding getting beaned in the face with her own placeholder. “Sure I can!” answered Pinkie Pie. “But is one second enough because I figure that your angry rant is—”

An eye-twitching glare was enough to cut Pinkie’s word jumble short.

“...can I at least keep the pipe?”

“No,” Twilight snapped, grabbing that too. “Bubble pipes are for winners. Now can you please stop with the insanely unrealistic accusations?”

“But this one actually happened!” Pinkie whined.

“No, it did not,” Twilight lectured at fifty percent of her maximum egghead potential. “For starters, if you had burnt Scootaloo to death, she would be actually dead.” She angrily booped Scoots’s nose to accent her point.

Scootaloo coughed, scuffing the scorch marks out of the carpet with a hoof.

Twilight turned back to Pinkie. “And you do not own a flamethrower-wielding deathbot!”

Pinkie Pie coughed, hiding a hoof-sized remote control within the curls of her mane.

“Now if we can just think through this problem rationally,” Twilight sassed, “and think of a logical expla—and great, there go the lights again.” She huffed as the train passed through yet another tunnel, plunging the train car into pitch blackness.

Scootaloo crouched down, ready to capitalize on the darkness and to finally get a bite of the MMMM, but went rigid as a set of claws grasped her about the withers. “Please don’t get creepy on me,” she whimpered. “I’m not some hazmat hussy.”

“Ahh, mah delectiblé mousse moose,” Gustave le Grand purred in her ear. “Zoon I shall taste your zilky chocolat.”

Try as she might, squirming and twisting beneath his grip, Scootaloo couldn’t break herself free. “Not a dessert, definitely a pegasus, please don’t eat me.”

Gustave tutted gently. “Ah, mon amie, but zat is exactly what a mousse moose would say, no? Now, how you say… geet in muh bellay.”

As the train emerged from the tunnel and sunlight once more spilled in through the windows, Gustav licked his talons and harrumphed. “Vah! You ponies and your bland cuisine. It is as ze saying goes, zat everything tastes like ze chicken.”

Army of Snarkness Pt. 1 (A Canterlot Wedding Pt. 1)

Army of Snarkness Pt. 1 (A Canterlot Wedding Pt. 1)

"So, did your parents tell you guys yet?" asked Scootaloo, glancing around the clubhouse at her friends. "Y’know, about the wedding?"

"Yep," replied Apple Bloom, nodding her head.

Sweetie Belle nodded as well. "They just told me last night."

"Are you excited?"

Sweetie Belle looked at Scootaloo, her lips pursed. "About being a stupid flower filly?"

"Sure." Scootaloo kicked off the clubhouse wall and walked over to the window. Crossing her forehooves, she rested her chin on the windowsill and looked outside. It was a beautifully bright day, and the birds were chirping, and basically all the animals were having a really great time, not that anyone cared. "I mean, being a flower filly is whatever, but at least we get to go to Canterlot again, right? Last time we went was the Grand Galloping Gala, and a chandelier crushed me. Wasn't really the best time, so I want a do-over."

"Well, shucks," said Apple Bloom, kicking her hooves against the wood floor. "I'm pretty darn excited. I ain't never been to a wedding before, well not since my cousin's wedding, but we don't talk about that anymore."

Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow. "Was it because your cousins were... you know?"

"What? No," said Apple Bloom, waving her hoof, "it's because my uncle ate too much pie and choked to death. It was pretty devastatin' for the whole family."

"Oh, I'm... I'm sorry," said Sweetie Belle, hanging her head. "I didn't know."

"Jeez, Sweets, pry much?" Scootaloo shook her head.

"It's fine though," Apple Bloom said with a shrug. "He was a real mean drunk."

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle exchanged glances, their faces flat. With a bit of an awkward silence hanging in the air, Scootaloo cleared her throat. "Aaaaaaanyway, since we're all going regardless, we should decide what we want to do while we're there right now, that way we won't have to worry about while we're doing flower filly stuff."

"Why even bother?" asked Sweetie Belle. "You know every time we make plans for anything it just falls apart immediately and then you somehow always end up dead."

"I come back, don't I?"

"That's not really the point..."

"Come on, you're with me, right, AB?" Scootaloo turned to Apple Bloom, an eager expression on her face. "We could sing a song about it!"

"Oh, Celestia, please no," groaned Sweetie Belle. "Can we not?"

Apple Bloom grimaced. "Yeah, your songs tend to have a habit of killing you by the end."

Scootaloo grinned, puffing out her chest. "Not that last one," she said with a knowing wink. "It'll be fun, I promise! Just a quick little song, and then I'm done." Scootaloo tapped tapped her hoof against the floor, bobbing her head. An acoustic guitar could be heard playing quietly in the distance while Scootaloo started to tap in time.

"How is she even doing that?" asked Sweetie Belle, her mouth wide open.

Apple Bloom glanced out the window and sighed. "It's my sister practicing her guitar. I can't believe she still plays that thing."

Both fillies turned to Scootaloo as she gave a cheery smile and started to sing.

"Since I am just a filly,
It seems a little silly
But I gotta say you girls are bummin' me out.
We've got the whole city,
Let's make some plans and we'll see
How much fun we can have in Canterlot!"

Bouncing to the door, Scootaloo flung it open and headed onto the balcony of the clubhouse. She fluttered her wings and leapt off, landing hard on the ground below. She spun around and looked up at Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom who'd followed her outside. Kicking a nearby tree, Scootaloo caught a falling apple with her wing then tossed it up to Apple Bloom. She caught it, but not before jumping back a bit. Grinning, Scootaloo continued singing.

"There's the park by the castle,
I swear it's no hassle, see?
It's the city built on a mountain.
Like no place else in the clouds it's super freakin' awesome!
It showed me how great the world is.
(Built on a mountain)
The towers that soar overhead.
(Super freakin' awesome)
It makes me hope; it lets me dream!
Guess you girls don't wanna go back, it seems..."

Scootaloo hung her head, heaving the saddest most pathetic sigh she could manage. She turned slowly, her eyes wide and her lip trembling. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom stared at Scootaloo for a moment, then exchanged glances. They both sighed and clambered down from the balcony to stand next to Scootaloo. Apple Bloom smiled at Scootaloo and put a hoof around her shoulder. Sweetie rolled her eyes, shrugged, and then joined Apple Bloom. Together, they sang.

"It's the city built on a mountain.
Like no place else we know you think it's super freakin' awesome."

"All right!" shouted Scootaloo. "So, you're with me then?"

They nodded.

A wide smile on her face, Scootaloo sucked in her breath for the last verse. She pointed her hoof towards Canterlot.

"I know it seems so far away.
I promise it won't stay.
We'll board the train and be there
Tomorrow...
Tomorrow..."

Scootaloo let out a contented sigh and dropped back to all fours. She glanced at Apple Bloom, then over at Sweetie Belle. "I promise, girls, nothing bad is gonna happen this time. It's smooth sailing for the S.S. Cutie Mark Crusader!"

Apple Bloom wrinkled her snout. "Wait, shouldn't it be Crusaders? Y’know, since there's three of us?"

Scootaloo took her hoof off Apple Bloom and stepped back. "Well, yeah, but in this scenario I'm talking about a boat. Like... there'd only be one boat." She glanced over at Sweetie Belle. "You got what I was talking about, right?"

Sweetie Belle shrugged. "Mostly."

"Well, whatever, that's not the point," said Scootaloo, waving her hoof dismissively. "The point is that we're going to have a great time in Canterlot and there's nothing that could possibly prevent that from happening!"

"Well, nothing besides you dying," said Sweetie Belle nonchalantly.

"Or you causing a scene while we try to keep you from dying," added Apple Bloom with a little shrug.

Scootaloo maintained her idiotic grin. "Absolutely nothing!"

Somewhere deep beneath Canterlot, in the crystal caves that littered the area like ant tunnels, a small figure approached one of the largest crystals. Staring at it, she viewed her reflection. An eyepatch covered one eye, and her mane was matted and scruffy. She grinned, showing off a chipped tooth. Suddenly, another figure appeared beside her. This one was similar size to her, but with a different colored coat and mane. A third figure appeared. This one had a bow in her mane.

The middle figure glanced sidelong at each of them, then said, "Are the preparations complete?"

"Prepar-what? Pepperoni?" said the bowless figure.

"What? No, you idiot, the preparations! The things we have to do before the plan starts?" Shaking her head, Eyepatch turned to Bow. "Please tell me we're ready for the invasion."

Bow sighed. "Yes, we're as ready as we can be. We must wait for her sign though. Until the wedding is complete, we can't do anything. The barrier is still up, and we have no backup until it's gone."

Eyepatch smirked, rubbing her hooves together. "Excellent. Soon..." she mumbled, "soon I shall have my revenge!"

"Y’know," said Bow, frowning, "far be it from me to tell you what to do with your life, but you know what they say about what happens when you go looking for revenge."

"Oh, don't worry," said Eyepatch with a wave of her hoof. "I'll be digging two graves, of that you can be sure. In fact, I'll be digging three graves this time!" She threw her head back and laughed maniacally.

Bow rolled her eyes. "Always with the evil laughing."

Stomping her hoof, Eyepatch's lips curled into a sinister grin. She watched her reflection for a moment, then grabbed her two companions by the neck, shoving their faces into the crystal. "Can you see it?" she asked. "Do you see the glorious dawn that awaits us?"

Bowless cocked her head to the side. "Uh... I see... I see me! Hi, me!" She waved happily asked herself.

Eyepatch groaned. "Look closer, idiot. In there you'll see a future without those three fillies. You'll see the future that awaits me!"

She released the pair of them and took a step back. Admiring her reflection, she spun around and bowed to herself. Eyepatch kicked a small crystal near her hind leg and picked up one of the fragments. Holding it up to her face, she stared at herself in crystalline fractals. She saw her broken grin a million times. As she tossed the fragment aside, she let out a sigh.

"Tomorrow will be just perfect.
Revenge, after all this time I'll have it at last!
Those three fillies will finally be
So near me, I can almost see
What it'll be like when I take away their past!"

She stomped her hoof, causing the crystals hanging overhead to rattle ominously.

Scootaloo stared out the train window, a wistful look in her eye. Canterlot was fast approaching, and she could feel the butterflies in her stomach dancing around. She turned her head to look at Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom who were sitting across from her. With a little smile, she nodded towards the castle.

"Tomorrow will be just perfect.
Canterlot, after all this time we'll be back at last.
Now here's my chance to clean the slate
To wipe away my past mistakes.
Even Ms. Cheerilee'll give to me a 'pass'!"

Eyepatch looked up as the crystals hanging from the ceiling came crashing down around her. She nimbly dodged each one, the evil smirk never leaving her face as Bow and Bowless watched with a mixture of amusement and bemusement. Each crystal hitting the ground punctuated a syllable in her singing.

“I'll make her friends meet their ends.
Choke and strangle, watch them dangle.
Fun, I'll be having it that day!"

She spun around in circles, her forehooves raised to the ceiling as crystals shattered around her

"The thought of them not breathing
Is enough to keep me dreaming
Of a day when they're all dead and gone!"

Dropping to her hooves, she kicked over a crystal and then shattered another with a stomp.

"Yes, I feel it coming soon!
Her ho~ur of reckoning looms!
But until then I'll wait to see them die!"

The train went dark as they passed through a tunnel. Scootaloo stood from her seat and pulled Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle up with her.

"Come stand with me and you'll see
Canterlot up in its spot.
Fun, we'll be having it that day!"

The lights came back suddenly as they passed through the tunnel. Now the castle appeared larger and even more imposing than before. But it wasn't an ominous presence. It was more like a kindly mother watching over them, and the bigger it got, the more secure it made one feel.

"I don't fear that I may die here.
I've got you guys by my side—We're
Gonna have one freakin' kickass day!"

Scootaloo pumped her hoof into the air.

"For I oh so love you guys
In sp~ite of how I die.
Oh, mountain city, we’re gonna have fun soon!”

Sticking her hoof out, Eyepatch seized one of the crystal fragments from the ground and carried it over to a large rock wall. She dragged it across the surface, scratching a straight line next to dozens more of the same straight lines. Tossing the crystal aside, she closed her eyes and tossed her head back.

“Soon enough the moment will arrive.
For me to claim all of their lives.”

Scootaloo slid open the window on the train and stuck her head out. As the wind blew through her mane, she took a deep breath. They were fast approaching the magical barrier, and Canterlot was no longer a distant dot, but a massive, looming city.

“This train better not be late.
Mountains, castles—I can’t wait!
Stick with me, guys, we’ll be—”

“Dead, all dead…” Eyepatch’s laugh echoed through the cavern.

The Empire Strikes Scootaloo Back (The Crystal Empire, Part 1)

The train rocked gently on the tracks. “Okay, now remind where it is we’re goin’ again” said Apple Bloom asking the same question she had asked every hour on the hour for the last several hours that they’d been on the train.

Sweetie Belle massaged her forehead with a hoof. “We’re. Going. To. The. Crystal. Empire,” she said, emphasizing each word with a wave of her hoof.

“Right, and where’s that again?”

“In the frozen north,” said Scootaloo, staring out the window. “The same place it was when you asked an hour ago.”

Apple Bloom sighed. “Yeah, but I’m just confused because no one has ever brought up this Crystal Empire before. It just kinda showed up outta nowhere one day and now apparently it’s a big deal. So, y’know, I’m just tryin’ to figure things out is all.”

“Let me get this straight,” said Sweetie Belle, looking at Apple Bloom. She narrowed her eyes. “Changelings show up suddenly, and that’s fine. Discord appears from a statue we’ve never heard about before, and that’s fine. Monsters appear on a semi-regular basis with little to no warning, and that’s fine. Scootaloo is inexplicably immortal, and that’s fine. But the Crystal Empire is the thing that bothers you? Am I understanding you right?”

With a shrug, Apple Bloom replied, “I dunno. I just thought we would’ve heard about it before is all. Seems like a pretty big deal.”

“Well, we didn’t, so—”

“We’re here!” Scootaloo cried out suddenly, jumping from her seat and rushing to the door as the train slowed to a stop. “It’s gonna be so cool, you guys! It’s an entire empire made from crystals. We could be rich!” As the doors slid open, Scootaloo squeezed her way outside and fell with a plop into a big pile of snow.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle soon followed, hopping out of the train and into the freezing cold. Pulling herself from the pile of snow, Scootaloo shook her head, sending white powder flying into her friends’ faces.

“Huh,” said Apple Bloom, wiping the snow from her face. “I wasn’t expecting it to be so… well, snowy.”

Sweetie Belle stared at Apple Bloom for a moment. “It’s the frozen north. Are you some kind of idiot, or something?”

Scootaloo put a hoof on Sweetie Belle’s shoulder. “Hey, Sweets, chill out. No need to give AB the cold shoulder.”

Groaning, Sweetie Belle swiped Scootaloo’s hoof off her. “Don’t you dare start with that.”

With a chuckle, Scootaloo waved her hoof. “C’mon, guys. Let’s just follow Rainbow Dash and the others. I’m sure the Crystal Empire is around here somewhere.”

The wind whipped at their manes, snow biting their skin and soaking through their fur. As the icy storm blew all around them, howling like timberwolves, Scootaloo turned back to look at her friends, covering her face with a hoof. “Are you girls all right?” she asked.

They had been trudging through the snow for what felt like hours, though it might as well have been days or years with all the progress they had made. Time seemed to melt away in this blistering white hellscape. Though, according to Scootaloo’s watch it had been about fifteen minutes.

Sweetie Belle shouted back at Scootaloo through the storm. “I don’t know if I can make it. I think we should turn back!”

“Apple Bloom? What do you think?” Scootaloo asked, looking at the other filly just behind Sweetie Belle.

“I… I don’t know,” she replied. “It’s too darn cold and snowy to see anything. I feel like I’m gonna freeze to death just standing here.”

Scootaloo brought a hoof to her chin in thought. With a sigh, she trotted over to her friends and then promptly fell to the ground, lying on her side. “Here,” she said, “use my body.”

Sweetie Belle kicked a hoof out, showering snow on Scootaloo. “Now’s not the time to be messing around, Scootaloo. I think we’re seriously gonna die if we stay out here.”

Huffing, Scootaloo shook the snow off. “I’m not messing around. Seriously, you guys. Use my body.”

Following Sweetie Belle’s lead, Apple Bloom also kicked snow in Scootaloo’s face. “I just wanted to do that for fun.”

“Look,” said Scootaloo, brushing the snow out of her face again, “I know it sounds crazy, but you guys should cut me open and crawl inside my body for warmth.”

“You’re right,” said Sweetie Belle, “that does sound crazy. In fact, among some really strong competition, that might be the craziest thing you’ve ever said.”

Apple Bloom raised a hoof. “I’m not opposed to it.”

Ignoring Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle said, “Besides, you’re way too small. How could we possibly fit inside you?”

“I don’t have any organs, remember?”

Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow. “Wasn’t that one of your other bodies?”

Scootaloo shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t even keep track anymore. I’ve been in so many bodies.”

“Goss, don’t say it like that,” said Sweetie Belle, sticking her tongue out in disgust.

“Whatever, just get in my belly.” Scootaloo fished through the snow and pulled a sharp rock out with her mouth. “Here,” she said, tossing the rock to Sweetie Belle, “just cut me open and you guys’ll be safe. You can recover your strength, make it to the Crystal Empire, and then I’ll catch up with you.”

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Taking the rock in her magic, she cut Scootaloo’s chest open with all the grace of a drunk surgeon and then tossed the rock to the side. Grimacing, she looked at Scootaloo’s corpse. “Ugh, somehow this is one of the more disgusting things we’ve done.” She gestured to Apple Bloom, “Ladies first, I guess.”

“We’re both—Oh, you were joking,” said Apple Bloom with a chuckle. She looked at Scootaloo’s body for a moment and then shrugged. “Shucks, guess it’s time to go Scootlunking.” She leaned down and nudged one of Scootaloo’s belly flaps open and then stepped inside. “Oh!” she said, taking another step inside. “It’s cozy in here.” Her tail disappeared into Scootaloo’s chest cavity and a few moments later Sweetie Belle heard her voice from what seemed like far away. “There’s a breakfast nook in here!”

Sweetie Belle cocked her head to the side. “Really?” She followed Apple Bloom into Scootaloo’s body. “Oh wow,” she said, “there’s two full baths in here. And a walk-in closet!”

Scootaloo’s corpse started to freeze in the wind as a dark shadow passed over.

Some Like it Dead (Ticket Master)

“I was thinking that maybe we should go do something fun before school starts up again,” said Sweetie Belle taking a sip from her smoothie. Resting her head against her hooves, she looked up at the sky. The restaurant they were dining at was outside, so she had clear view. “It’s a pretty nice day out. It’s supposed to be like this for awhile.”

Scootaloo was only half paying attention to Sweetie. Most of her focus was on the vibrantly colored salad before her. It was filled with lots of greens and reds, and even some brown where nuts were scattered about. She picked one of them up and popped it into her mouth. As she chewed, she said, “Man, I’ve choked on these stupid nuts so many times. I don’t know why I keep eating them.”

“Maybe it’s because you like to live dangerously?” suggested Sweetie.

Scootaloo shrugged. “I guess. It’s either that or I just like how they taste… which I do.” She paused, then tossed another nut into her mouth. “So, what’s this about doing something fun?”

Sweetie’s ears perked up. “Oh! I was thinking that maybe we could go on an adventure or something. You’ve been talking about how you can’t fly, so I was thinking we could try and do some stuff to see if you can learn.”

Scootaloo considered the question while she enjoyed yet another savory nut. Chewing with her mouth open and in the most obnoxious way possible, she said, “Sure, that sounds like it could be fun. What about you, though? What are you gonna do?”

Now it was Sweetie Belle’s turn to consider the question. She sucked on the her straw and drew more of the smoothie into her mouth. Leaning back against her chair, she set the smoothie aside. “I just want to see you fly, really. It’d be pretty cool.”

“Yeah, it would, wouldn’t it?”

Suddenly, Sweetie Belle stopped leaning backwards and let her chair fall flat. Her eyes were fixed on a point far off in the distance. “Hey, what’s that?” she asked.

Scootaloo turned to follow her gaze. “Uhh… looks like a crowd of ponies to me,” she replied. “Wonder what’s going on?”

Sweetie Belle squinted. “Wait a second. I think that’s Twilight at the front.”

“Who?”

“She runs the library, but I don’t know why she’s being chased.”

“How do you know she’s being chased?”

“Well she’s running, and there’s a crowd behind her, so I’m guessing she’s being chased.”

Scootaloo nodded. “Makes sense. I wonder what’s going on then.”

Before Sweetie Belle had a chance to answer, the ground started to shake. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle gave each other worried glances and then quickly ducked under the table as the ponies started rampaging through the courtyard. Scootaloo could make out a bit of what they were saying as they passed.

“Please, Twilight, I need the ticket for my dying grandmother. She’s never been to the Grand Galloping Gala before.”

“Twilight, you don’t understand, I will literally die without that ticket.”

“I’ll have your babies!”

Anything else that could be heard was nearly incomprehensible, made all the more so by the fact that they were now running over and around the table Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle had been sitting at.

When the rampage had finally passed, the pair of fillies pulled themselves up and exchanged nervous smiles.

“Whoa, that was pretty close,” said Scootaloo. “I almost got trampled.”

Sweetie Belle chuckled. “Then I would have been stuck with the bill.”

Scootaloo matched her chuckle and reached for another nut. “Yeah, woulda sucked for you, heh.” Just as she went to toss the nut in her mouth, she suddenly dropped it and clutched her chest, which was hard to do given she had hooves.

Sweetie Belle’s eyes widened as she watched Scootaloo drop to the ground and start writhing around.

“Uhh… you okay?”

It was all Scootaloo could do to shake her head and force out the words, “Heart… attack,” before she finally collapsed and died.

Sweetie Belle frowned. She looked up just as the waiter approached. He gave Scootaloo’s lifeless body one look and then turned to Sweetie.

“I’m gonna have to pay for her, aren’t I?”

He nodded.

Sweetie Belle sighed.

The Devil Wears Nada (Suited For Success)

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were walking towards Carousel Boutique when they saw a large crowd had gathered in front of the shop. Nodding towards it, Scootaloo glanced over at Sweetie Belle, her eyebrow raised. “What’s going on over there?” she asked.

Sweetie Belle shrugged. “Beats me. Rarity doesn’t usually get this many customers.”

“Yeah, I’ve always wondered about that,” Scootaloo said, suddenly thoughtful. “She’s clearly still in business, but I’ve never seen a single pony buy anything from her… like, ever.”

“Rarity is, well.” Sweetie Belle paused, bringing a hoof to her chin. “What’s the word? Hmm, let’s just say that selling dresses isn’t her only means of making money.”

“Whoa,” Scootaloo breathed. “I didn’t know she was a, y’know…”

Sweetie Belle gave Scootaloo a weird look, then laughed. “No, no, it’s nothing like that. Anyway, let’s go see what’s going on.” She took Scootaloo by the hoof and led her towards the crowd, which, even as they approached, was growing in size by the minute. Working their way into the mass, and ever closer to the front, Sweetie Belle muttered something under her breath.

“What was that?” asked Scootaloo, trying to keep up with Sweetie Belle as she dove further into the crowd.

“Huh? Oh, nothing. It was just—”

“You get a dress! You get a dress! You get a dress! Everypony gets a dress!” shouted Rarity from the pulpit she was standing on, a crazed look in her eye as she twirled around, throwing spools of thread left and right.

Scootaloo squeezed past a particularly fat pony, and popped out next to Sweetie Belle. “Uhh, so what’s she doing?”

Sweetie Belle just shook her head. “Guess Rarity’s having one of her episodes,” she said, rolling her eyes. “We’ll just come back later. She’s gonna need more than a bit of blood for this one it looks like.”

“A bit of blood?”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Sweetie Belle, patting Scootaloo reassuringly on the head. “You’ll see.”

“Rarity!” Sweetie Belle called, throwing open the door to Carousel Boutique and strolling inside like she was the sister of the pony who owned the place, which, incidentally, she was. “I brought Scootaloo with me for you know what.”

“You know what?” asked Scootaloo as she followed Sweetie Belle inside.

Scootaloo didn’t have her question answered, at least not right then, because at that moment Rarity waltzed into the room, an absurdly large hat perched precariously atop her head, and a long, flowing dress trailing behind her. The garb, macabre though it was, being all black and trimmed with lace, was rather comical to Scootaloo who thought Rarity looked more ridiculous than she usually did.

“Ah! You’re just in time,” said Rarity, quickly scurrying across the room, her outfit snagging on something more than once. “Did you bring everything?”

Sweetie Belle nodded, producing a series of items from her bag. “Let’s see, I’ve got a bed of fire ants, three snake skulls, two liters of shark’s milk, a pile of dried leaves, and, oh yeah, this week-old crow,” she said, pulling out a dead crow by its legs.

Rarity pranced about on her hooves. “Lovely. And did you bring the things for the ritual as well?”

“Mhmm,” Sweetie replied, extracting rag from her pack.

“Excellent. You can put those other things aside for now. I’ll make my dinner later.” Rarity approached Scootaloo, placing her hoof on her head, seeming to measure something with a careful eye. “Yes, I think you’ll do nicely.”

Scootaloo glanced around awkwardly. “Uhh, so, kinda starting to worry a bit. What’s the rag for?”

Rarity chuckled, picking up the slightly damp piece of cloth. “Oh, it’s just for—” She lunged suddenly at Scootaloo, holding the cloth over her mouth. Within seconds, Scootaloo’s world went dark, and she fell unconscious.

When she woke next, she was strapped to a wooden structure, suspended over a pit of lava in what looked like Rarity’s basement. Still groggy from whatever was in the rag, Scootaloo watched Rarity and Sweetie Belle approach her.

“Wha’s… wha’s happenin’?” she asked sleepily.

Rarity waved her hoof dismissively. “Oh, it’s just a little thing I do every so often. See, it’s not easy making all these dresses all the time for no profit. Sometimes I have to enlist a bit of… outside help.”

Scootaloo merely lolled her head to the side in response.

“Well anyway,” continued Rarity, “long story short, I made a pact with the blood god Xochiquétzal, and I just need to offer a sacrifice every 52 weeks to keep my unnatural talent. It’s a pretty good deal, actually.”

At the mention of ‘sacrifice’, Scootaloo’s ears perked up, and she forced herself into wakefulness. “Why me, though?”

Sweetie Belle shrugged. “Apparently you can’t die, soooooooo…”

“It still freakin’ hurts!”

“Nonsense,” said Rarity with a light-hearted chuckle. “You won’t feel a thing. I promise it’ll be quick and painless. Now then, let’s get started.” She glanced down at Sweetie Belle, giving her a nod. Sweetie Belle nodded back, and the two sisters approached Scootaloo while she struggled against her bindings.

As they got closer, they began to chant in unison. “Kaaaaaaliiiii Ma. Kaaaaaaliiiii Ma.”

Scootaloo groaned. “Ugh… This again.”

A second later, Rarity was reaching her hoof out, pressing it against Scootaloo’s breast, chanting louder and louder until she’d finally pushed her hoof through the filly’s chest and grasped hold of her heart. Pulling the still beating organ from Scootaloo, Rarity held it up, watching the ventricles pump fruitlessly before she tossed it into the fire where it exploded into flame. Then, wiping her hooves off, she turned on the lights, removed her ritualistic outfit, and nodded, pleased.

“Safe for another year,” she said happily.

Close Encounters of the Lunar Kind (Luna Eclipsed)

"Oh, man," said Scootaloo, bouncing on her hind legs, "I can't believe it's Nightmare Night already! It feels like just yesterday it was a random summer day, and here we are now in the middle of fall."

"I wouldn't read too much into it," said Sweetie Belle as she adjusted the hem of her robe. "Seasons kinda come and go willy-nilly here. Remember last year winter came and went in the same week, then we had, like, 9 months of spring?"

Apple Bloom brought a hoof to her chin. "It's almost like... like the seasons don't really matter," she said with quick tip of her hat.

Scootaloo shrugged. "Whatever. I just want to go out tonight and collect enough candy to give me type 1 and type 2 diabetes. I'm gonna be, like, the candy wolf, or something!" She gave a pretty pathetic howl through the mask of her wolfpony costume.

"So you're a 'candy wolf', huh?" asked Sweetie Belle. "All right, it's not the worst thing I've ever heard. What about you, Apple Bloom?"

Apple Bloom grinned, puffing out her chest. "I'm being my big sister Applejack!" She tipped her hat that was too large for her tiny head.

Rolling her eyes, Scootaloo said, "How original. What about you, Sweets? You've got some kinda dress thing there."

"Oh this?" said Sweetie, doing a little twirl to show off the long lace dress she was wearing. "I'm the Queen of the Underworld."

Scootaloo nodded slowly. "Cooooool. Anyway, let's get out there and get some freakin' candy!"

Scootaloo threw her hoof in the air like she was ending an 80's dramedy. However, just as her hoof peaked, lighting lit up the sky and a dark form appeared before them. Wrapped in shadows and obscured by the night, the figure took a step forward before lowering its hood. The face of a tall mare revealed itself, her booming voice echoing as she spoke.

"Yo, wassup?"

Everyone went silent. The mare cleared her throat.

"Excuse us. We had something in our throat. Anyway, we are Luna, and we have an offer for you."

"Umm... okay." Scootaloo glanced over at Sweetie Belle who merely shrugged in response.

"We heard your plan to collect candy, presumably so that you may offer it to us. We can help you with this. We can make two of you."

Apple Bloom held up her hoof. "Whoa there, pardner. That just ain't ethical. I'm gonna have to pass."

Sweetie Belle nodded. "Yeah, for once I'm with Apple Bloom on this one. This has bad idea written all over it."

"Psssh," said Scootaloo, waving her hoof dismissively. "I don't see anything wrong with this picture. You guys are just being a bunch of babies." She turned to Luna. "Zap me!"

Luna nodded. "As thou wishes." What little light there was in the area quickly faded as it was all sucked into Luna's horn. Once a great ball of energy had coalesced, Luna launched it at Scootaloo, knocking the filly on her back.

Groaning, Scootaloo rubbed her head as she pulled herself up. When the haze had finally cleared, she saw herself standing in front of her.

The other Scootaloo gave a little nod. "Sup?"

"Whoa, it worked!" shouted Scootaloo. She turned to thank Luna, but she had already left. So, instead she turned back to her clone. "I probably shoulda asked before, but... are you one of those evil clones?"

Scootaloo 2 shook her head. "Nope, I'm just like you. However evil or not you are."

"Well, that's a rel—"

"Although, I do have all your vital organs."

Scootaloo groaned. "Son of a—What kind of a hack is Luna anyway?"

"I hate to say I told you so," said Sweetie Belle, "buuuuuuuut... I told you so!"

"Yeah, yeah, yuck it up, Sweetie. You're not the one who's about to die." She paused. "Wait, I am gonna die, right?"

"To be honest, I'm not even sure how you're still talking right now," said Scootaloo 2. "You shoulda already be dead."

"Well, fine, I'll just go die then."

And then Scootaloo died.

"Sooooo," said Apple Bloom, rocking back and forth, "wanna go get some candy, New Scootaloo?"

Scootaloo 2 shrugged. "Sure. I'm not doing anything else."

As they turned to leave, Sweetie cast a glance back at Scootaloo's corpse. "I did warn you."

Army of Snarkness Pt. 2 (A Canterlot Wedding Pt. 2)

Scootaloo stepped off the train, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom following close behind her.

“Whew,” she said with a sigh. “That train ride took a lot longer than I thought it would.”

“Yeah,” said Apple Bloom, nodding in agreement. “I mean, I know they say it’s only a few hours, but sheesh, it feels like it's been, like, three years.”

Sweetie Belle shrugged. “It’s all relative, I suppose. In any case, I’m pretty hungry. We should go get something to eat.”

Scootaloo nodded her head excitedly. “Yeah! That sounds great!” She looked around, a wide grin on her face as she breathed in deeply the scent of Canterlot, which, as it happened, was a sort of unpleasant musky flavor, not that that bothered Scootaloo any. Glancing back at her friends, she said, “We’re finally here. Are you girls ready? I’ve got a feeling that this is going to be a good day.”

Apple Bloom frowned, a hoof moving to her chin. “Hmm, my sis had a saying for things like that. What was it again? Famous, er, horse words… or something.”

“Famous last words,” said Sweetie Belle as she came up beside Scootaloo. “Famous last words,” she repeated, more quietly and to herself this time.

Her hoofsteps echoing as she made her way through the cavern, Eyepatch couldn’t help but grin that sort of grin that villains always have. There was a light at the end of the tunnel now, and as it refracted off all the crystals growing unevenly around the cave Eyepatch’s face lit up in brilliant light.

“Ah, jeez!” she said, holding a hoof up to her non-eyepatched eye. “That’s freaking bright.”

With a chuckle, Bowless said, “Good thing you have that eyepatch, huh?”

“It only covers one eye, idiot,” said Bow, smacking the other filly on the back of the head.

“Quiet, both of you!” snapped Eyepatch, whipping around to face the fillies behind her. “You’re ruining my badass villain reveal.”

“Gee, sorry boss,” said Bowless sheepishly. “I know how long you’ve been waiting for this. I didn’t mean to step all over your lines. I’ll just go ahead and shut up now. I’m gonna go stand over here and wait for your entrance to be done then I’ll step back in and we can reveal ourselves too and then it’ll be even cooler! I mean, one villain reveal is pretty sweet, but how about a triple reveal? Now that’s pretty freakin’ awesome.”

Eyepatch’s one good eye narrowed. “Would you just shut up already? You’ve already ruined this entire thing. There’s no point in even bothering with the reveal now. The moment’s passed. Stick a fork in it; it’s done.”

Casting her head down, Bowless absentmindedly kicked a pebble with her hoof. It bounced off a crystal and hit Bow in the face. “Sorry, boss. I was just trying to help make things cooler. I thought I could at least make it…” she paused, cocking her head slightly as she did some mental math. “I dunno, about twenty per—”

Bow shoved a hoof in Bowless’s mouth. “Don’t even. That joke is so old it should be collecting retirement now.”

Letting out a long, slow, agonized sigh, Eyepatch massaged her forehead with a hoof. “This is just turning into a big disaster. Why did I ever bring you two into this in the first place?” She cast her eyes up to try and find the hateful gods that had done this to her, quickly remembering that they were still inside the cave and so she was just looking at a reflection of herself in one of the hanging crystals. “Don’t even start with me,” she hissed at her reflection.

Shaking her head, Eyepatch waved at Bow and Bowless, motioning them towards the exit. “Well, come on then. We might as well get our plan started since you idiots have already ruined our entrance.” With Bow and Bowless following behind her, Eyepatch stepped out into the light of day, finally exiting the cave. “It was gonna be so badass too,” she whispered to herself.

Stepping out into the bright sunlight, Eyepatch stole a cloak from a passing pony. Wrapping herself in the cloak, she then immediately threw it off dramatically. Somehow that just seemed like the right thing to do in this scenario. Casting a glance back at her minions, Eyepatch gave an evil grin. Her orange fur and purple mane fluttered softly in the breeze. Scootaloo 2 put a hoof around Bow and Bowless, or rather, Apple Bloom 2 and Sweetie Belle 2.

”This day will be just perfect!
My plan to kill those three will fin’lly come to pass.
Scootaloo’ll meet her maker,
And I’ll be the one to take her!
No silly spells or friends’ll save her a~ss.”

Throwing her hooves in the air, Scootaloo 2 laughed maniacally.

“Ow, jeez, that was right in my ear,” whined Sweetie Belle 2, sticking a hoof in her ear.

“Oh, shut up.”

“All right, so what do you girls wanna do first?” asked Scootaloo as she skipped along merrily through the Canterlot streets.

Sweetie Belle rubbed her stomach, whimpering slightly. “I just wanna eat.”

“Oh!” Apple Bloom said excitedly, jumping up and down. “There’s a place over yonder that you girls’ll love. They’ve got apple pies, and apple fritters, and apple jam, and apple souffle, and apple carbonara, and apple on the rocks, and apple—”

“Yeah, I think we get it, AB,” Scootaloo said. “Anyway, I’m freakin’ sick of apples. That was the only snack you brought on the train. Don’t you ever get tired of ‘em?”

Her mouth stuffed with an apple she had procured from her pony pocket, wherever that might be, Apple Bloom responded, “What’dja mean?”

Rolling her eyes, Sweetie Belle started to say something that undoubtedly would have been snarky, but instead she stopped when she noticed a trio of ponies approaching them. “Hey,” she said, nudging Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, “don’t they look familiar?”

Scootaloo squinted, leaning forward. Her eyes shot wide open. “That’s…us!”

The sky darkened, lightning cracked across the sky as the ground split open and Hell itself was revealed, spewing fire and flame all across Canterlot like a great demon wyrm had been birthed from the gut of the city and shot forth. At least, that’s how Scootaloo imagined it would be if this were a lot more awesome. Instead, it was fairly normal all things considered. Normal except for the fillies right in front of them who appeared to be, well, them.

Scootaloo 2 strode confidently towards her counterpart, a few steps ahead of Sweetie Belle 2 and Apple Bloom 2. Stamping her hoof down, she silently ordered her minions to stop. Her eye narrowing, she stared Scootaloo down, a crooked grin crossing her face.

“It’s been oh so long,” she said, taking a few steps closer to Scootaloo, “since we’ve seen each other. Have you missed me?” Running her hoof across Scootaloo’s face, Scootaloo 2 laughed. “I’ve missed you.”

Scootaloo cocked an eyebrow, recoiling a bit as Scootaloo 2’s hoof ran through her mane. “Um… who are you, and why do you look like me?”

Scootaloo 2 stepped back in shock. “What?”

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, the original ones, stepped forward to stand beside Scootaloo (also the original). “Yeah,” said Sweetie Belle, “and why does she look like me?” Sweetie Belle motioned towards the imposter, Sweetie Belle 2, with the same disgust one would show towards roadkill.

“Hey, how come y’all look like us, but the Scootaloo one has an eyepatch?” asked Apple Bloom, skipping right to the important questions as always.

“Oh this,” said Scootaloo 2, grinning evilly as she pointed towards her eyepatch. “This was a little gift I got from you!” She pointed an accusatory hoof at Scootaloo. “You thought I died under that pile of money all those years go, didn’t you?” She laughed. “Oh, you only wish I died. I have come back stronger than you could ever imagine!”

Scootaloo raised an eyebrow, glancing back at Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. “What the heck’s she talking about? What pile of money? When have we ever had money?”

“Wait,” said Scootaloo 2, “you really don’t remember?”

Scootaloo, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle all shook their head simultaneously. “Nope, no idea what you’re babbling on about,” said Scootaloo with a shrug.

Scootaloo 2 stamped her hoof on the ground angrily. “Nightmare Night? Luna cloned you, Scootaloo?”

Her eyebrow rising a little higher, Scootaloo just shrugged again.

“Luna cloned you so you could get more candy, only when she made me, you lost all your organs and they appeared inside of me?”

Scootaloo cast a glance at Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. “Any idea what she’s talking about?”

“I think I kinda, sorta remember something like that,” said Apple Bloom, a strained look on her face as she tried to remember.

“So, how did you get the eyepatch then,” said Sweetie Belle, motioning towards Scootaloo 2.

“After the Nightmare Night, I survived the Everfree Forest,” said Scootaloo 2 with a heavy sigh, “and fled to Canterlot where I had been living ever since. One day, you three came back into my life and crushed me under a big sack of bits. But I survived!”

“Kay,” said Scootaloo slowly, “but that doesn’t explain the eyepatch still.”

Scootaloo 2 clenched her teeth. “Look, just don’t worry about it. The point is that I hate you and I’m getting revenge on you three.”

“Pfffft,” Sweetie Belle said, breaking out into laughter. “Revenge for what? Sounds like you did this to yourself, you idiot.”

Grinding her hoof into the ground, Scootaloo 2 spoke through gritted teeth. “I didn’t ask to be brought into this world. I didn’t ask for any of this.”

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom stood on either side of Scootaloo, cocky grins on their faces. With a toss of her mane, Sweetie Belle’s horn started to glow. “Well, if you came here to try and hurt Scootaloo, then you did ask for an ass-kicking.”

“Yeah,” said Apple Bloom, rearing up on her hind legs and kicking the air, “and yer gonna get one!”

Scootaloo held up a hoof. “Wait, wait, wait. There’s still something I don’t understand.” She pointed a hoof towards Sweetie Belle 2 and Apple Bloom 2. “Who the heck are those guys? Luna didn’t make clones of all three of us did she?”

Gesturing towards her minions, Scootaloo 2 said, “Oh, them? They’re changelings. Spoiler alert, but this city is about to destroyed by the changeling horde.” She laughed maniacally. With a puff of greenish smoke and a flash of magic, Sweetie Belle 2 and Apple Bloom 2 transformed into nameless changelings. With a bug-like whir of their wings, they took to the sky and aimed green bolts of lighting down at Scootaloo and her friends.

“Apple Bloom, watch out!” shouted Scootaloo, diving towards Apple Bloom to knock her out of the way of the changeling’s attack. “Sweetie Belle, shield! Now!” she said, turning towards Sweetie Belle with her hoof outstretched.

“What? I don’t know any shield spells,” Sweetie Belle said, her voice cracking slightly. “I haven’t unlocked them yet.”

“Oh, right,” said Scootaloo, a little crestfallen. “Well, then just run!”

“Yeah, duh,” Sweetie Belle called as she began to sprint away from the impact crater of the green lighting and towards her friends. “Already figured that one out.”

Scootaloo 2 laughed again, throwing her hooves up into the sky, timing it perfectly with another crash of lightning shot down by one of the changelings. “Scootaloo, you think you’re safe because you can’t die. Oh, but I do know how to hurt you. Your friends don’t share the same uncanny immortality that you do, so I thought to myself. ‘Hey, wouldn’t it just be lovely if I could make Scootaloo suffer by killing her friends instead?’”

Her eyes narrowing, Sweetie Belle’s face turned grim. “You horrible bi—”

“Sweets, roll!” shouted Scootaloo, just in time for Sweetie Belle to react and dodge out of the way of a lightning bolt, which instead struck an empty box, causing it to explode into fiery cinders.

“Hey! Leave my friends out of this!” Scootaloo said angrily, charging towards Scootaloo 2. “If you want to hurt me, then fight me.”

“Were you even listening?” said Scootaloo 2 with a smirk, readying herself for Scootaloo’s charge. “This is hurting you.”

Scootaloo ran headfirst into her evil twin, but the other deftly dodged to the side, pushing Scootaloo to the ground as she did. Stepping forward, she loomed over Scootaloo, the air behind her alight with green fire as the changelings continued to fire bolts at Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. With a swift kick to Scootaloo’s stomach, Scootaloo 2 laughed again.

”Your life i~s gloom!
Your friends’ll all die, and be entombed.
Their deaths, filling my heart
With joy. They will be torn apart… You see?”

Scootaloo 2 stepped out of the way so Scootaloo could see. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were no longer fighting the changelings, or even dodging their blasts. In fact, they weren’t doing much of anything, except struggling against the changelings’ grips as they were carried high up into the sky.

“Help!” both Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom cried in unison.

Scootaloo looked around, but unfortunately no Elite Beat Agents had come to save the day. Instead, she decided, it would have to be up to her.

With a stomp of her hoof, Scootaloo 2 opened a fissure in the ground. It spread quickly, widening until the two sides split apart completely and a massive hole opened up, revealing the crystal caverns beneath Canterlot. It might have looked pretty had it not also looked so deadly and sharp.

Dragging her by her mane, Scootaloo 2 pulled Scootaloo towards the precipice of the hole and whispered, “Are you ready to watch your friends die?” She gave the signal and the changelings nodded, letting Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle fall.

“Your life i~s gloom!
Your friends’ll all die, and be entombed.
I said your life i~is gloom!
I’m ending their lives and yours too soon.”

Images flashed before Scootaloo’s eyes as she watched her friends fall. All her deaths, all the pain, and all the suffering, but through it all, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle’s faces stood out to her. Curling herself into a ball, Scootaloo rolled underneath her doppelganger and then shot her hind legs out with all the force she could muster. The kick caught Scootaloo 2 off guard and sent her flying through the air. Rolling with the force of the kick, Scootaloo tossed herself off the edge and into the hole. She spread her wings out and dove towards Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, a determined look in her eye.

Sharps crystals glinted in the sunlight as Scootaloo raced towards her friends. With a heave, she was able to knock them out of the way, but not before she felt a tug on her hind leg. Scootaloo whipped around just in time to see Scootaloo 2’s fiery eyes, burning with hate, and perhaps some kind of eye infection as her eyepatch had flown off now and the previously covered eye was bright red.

There was a sickening crunch as the two fillies crashed into the crystal caverns below, their bodies pierced a thousand times by hundreds of crystals pointing upwards like blades of grass. Scootaloo’s vision darkened. The last thing she saw was her friends rushing towards her, and she smiled a bloody, broken smile.

“Whoa…” said Apple Bloom slowly. She gave a quiet whistle. “That was a one heck of a fall, huh, Sweetie Belle? Did you see how awesome Scoots was when she saved us? She as all whoosh.” She flew her hoof through the air like a bird. “Shoo, and then she crashed like, bang!”

“Yeah, I saw it too,” said Sweetie Belle, a little smile creeping across her face. “She’s pretty incredible isn’t she? She sacrificed herself for us.”

“I mean, she’s gonna come back though, isn’t she?”

Sweetie Belle turned to Apple Bloom. “Of course, but that’s not the point. Do you think she really thinks that far ahead and she’s being all heroic and stuff? She came to save us without even thinking about it. It’s pretty—Oh!” she said suddenly noticing something. She trotted over to Scootaloo’s corpse, and then her eyes glided over to Scootaloo 2’s corpse lying next to her. Bending down, her horn lit up as she pulled something soft and squishy off the ground. “Look what I found!”

“Ew, gross,” said Apple Bloom, gagging slightly. “Is that a heart?”

Sweetie Belle grinned widely. “Yep! This must be the heart that she stole from Scootaloo when she was cloned by Luna.”

“Well, that’s just creepy.”

Her face lighting up, Sweetie Belle danced on her tiptoes excitedly. “I just got a great idea!”

Scootaloo stood in front of Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. They were back at their Cutie Mark Crusaders clubhouse after the whole Canterlot Wedding debacle had blown over. The changelings they had been fighting left after they saw Scootaloo 2 die and went to join the other changelings. But that was neither here nor there. No, right now, Scootaloo was mainly concerned with the fleshy mass of red and pink lying before her.

“Uh…” she said, her voice trailing off.

“We got your organs back!” Sweetie Belle squeaked with excitement.

Scootaloo nudged the limp and lifeless pile of organs, feeling just a bit gross about the whole thing. “What am I supposed to do with them?” she finally asked after a long moment of silence.

Apple Bloom started to say something, then thought better of it and kept the thought to herself. She was fairly certain Scootaloo wouldn’t want to make apple organ pie.

Sweetie Belle, on the other hand, huffed in annoyance. “Can’t you just be grateful?”

Looking down at the mass of tissue, Scootaloo felt her stomach go a bit queasy. She glanced back up at Sweetie Belle. “...Thanks?”