The Replacement Letters

Dear Sunny

I had to save this pathetic town from an ursa minor. No thanks to a talentless unicorn named Trixie and two stinkhead colts named Snips and Snails. Trixie kept bragging that she's the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria (but never put her money where her mouth is). Why didn't Mayor Mare throw Trixie out of town when she committed assault on my friends? Why didn't I throw her out of town for assaulting my friends?

Twilight

PS: My dumb lizard Spike thinks that hair will get him Rarity. Is it even LEGAL for a dragon to date a pony?