An American Saves Equestria (and freedom) from evil Nazis and Communists

by Imperaxum

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Human, Comedy
Length: 1678

Before Equestria can be free and embrace Democracy, those Commu-Nazis have to go!

When your average, everyday resident of the United States of America finds himself in Equestria through some vague, irelevant means, he finds a peaceful, loving world that needs to be introduced to Freedom, Democracy, Capitalism, and the American Way!

Unfortunately, those evil Communists and Nazis are here, too. All in a day's work for our hero.

~

Everything is intentional. Nothing is sacred.

[size=0.5em]plz dont kill me im sorry[/size]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-10 14:54:55 UTC

Freedom is the only way, yeah!

America, f*ck yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah! - Team America: World Police

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing, and freedom had finally arrived.

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, co-rulers of Equestria, and the rest of the populace of Ponyville stared at the creature that had abruptly appeared in their midst.

"What are you?" Celestia asked without preamble.

"An American, of course!" it answered in perfect Equestrian, grinning broadly.

"You speak Equestrian?" she exclaimed, thinking of the sheer improbability of that. Unless conditions where it came from had th-

The 'American' cut off her train of logic. "What do you mean, speak American?"

"You speak yourself?" Luna asked.

"Well, a lot of people call it English, but those damn tea-drinking monarchists just stole it from us." it informed her.

"Huh?" the princess of the night intelligently responded to the flood of information.

"I'm hungry." it said out of nowhere, and started walking to one of the houses.

"Hey, you can't go in there!" Twilight Sparkle protested as she ran to keep up with the American's long strides. "There isn't even food in there, that house has been abandoned for years!"

The American declined to answer her, instead opening the door and walking inside, despite it being several feet too short. Inside the building was a large building with a huge, styilized yellow "M" out front.

"Wha?" Twilight managed to get out, aghast at the sheer ludicrosy of the situation.

"A real American can find a McDonald's anywhere." the American said, then walked inside. A few seconds later, he came out munching on a piece of meat sandwiched between some bread and cheese.

As he passed the crowd in front of the house, he mumbled happily "It's good to be free . . .", ignoring the shocked stares at his meal.

Suddenly, portal. A man in a tan leather coat and a familiar mustache jumped out of it.

The American hastily threw his food away, barely noticing how the ponies jumped away in disgust as it landed among them. That wasn't important, though.

"Adolf Hitler!" the American exclaimed. That was kind of more important.

"Ja, it iz I, Adolf Hitler!" Hitler reiterated in a thick accent.

"How are you alive?" the American asked, saying his first intelligent question ever.

To which Hitler responded with the logical and well thought-out explanation of pulling an AK-47 from under his coat.

"You know he's a bad guy because bad guys always use AK-47s!" the American explained for the benefit of the Equestrians.

Derpy appeared, and left. The author checked another item off the universal list of fimfic elements.

Plot twist, another nondescript portal opened. Out jumped Vladimir Lenin, Josef Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Vladimir Putin.

"At last! A land that hasn't been corrupted by capitalism!" Lenin yelled triumphantly.

"Goddamn Commu-Nazis!" the American exclaimed. "This land is already taken . . . by America! It even has a McDonald's!" and pointed to the McDonald's, which was now in the open.

"What!? Hey, this is our land!" Celestia cried.

"Not for long." Stalin said, grinning wickedly and holding an RPG. He then fired it at the fast food restaurant.

"NOOOOOOO!" the American screamed as the restaurant exploded in a giant fireball.

~

In Heaven, George Washington cringed and fell to one knee. "Somewhere, a McDonalds has been destroyed by evil Communists." he  managed to choke out.

All around him, the other dead Presidents bowed their heads in unison and said a short prayer in memory of the consumerist icon.

Theodore Roosevelt walked up and placed a hand on Washington's shoulder. "If there's any true Americans around, they'll avenge it." he said comfortingly.

~

"You'll pay for that, Red scum!" the American shouted. "And you too Hitler, even though you haven't done anything yet!"

"You look strezzed, Amerikaner. Maybve you zhould take a trip on my train! At leazt take a shower." Hitler helpfully suggested.

The American laughed. "If you think I'm going to ride a train or shower in a bathtub that isn't a result of free market capitalism, you can suck it, Nazi scum!"

To which Hitler responded with a hail of bullets from his AK-47, though none of them hit the American.

Then the Communists stepped up, but they were holding AK-74s.

The American gasped. "Those guys are elite bad guys!" he exclaimed.

"Do you think this is a video game?" Twilight shot back from her hiding spot behind a cart.

The American responded by grabbing a nearby American flag and skewering the evil Lenin on it.

Hitler scoffed as the rest of the Communists looked on in shock at the display of patriotism. "Jeez, guyz, thankz for Lenin him a hand." he commented sarcastically.

The rest of Communists tried to fight back. Stalin fired his RPG again, but it spiraled around unrealistically and exploded in a nearby tree.

The American laughed, then reached behind a random bush and pulled a M-16A4 with a Picatinny rail and foregrip and an ACOG Red-dot scope, to put the bare minimum of description in. TL;DR, he had a gun.

He then blew Stalin off his feet with 30 bullets and riddled Khrushchev with 60 more without stopping to reload or aiming properly.

The Führer groaned at the display. "Come on, quit Stalin and kill zat man!" he admonished the remaining Communists.

The American then hid behind a short wall to dodge the thousands of bullets the two Communists sent in his liberally general direction. A couple managed to hit him, but like the rest they just blew up dramatically into a spray of sparks.

Putin glanced at his comrade. "Mr. Gorbachev, you have experience in taking down walls!" he noted.

"Very well." Mr. Gorbachev sighed, and used his unholy powers of Glasnost and Perestroika.

Two things happened. A crowd of angry Berliners appeared and destroyed the American's wall with their bare hands before disappearing, and the Soviet Union collapsed spontaneously.

The American shrugged, then shot Mr. Gorbachev with his M-16. Mr Gorbachev fell down. He was dead.

"Zis people are dumbkauf." was all that Hitler managed to say.

Putin straightened up. "I must go, my planet needs me."

"But Russia izn't a planet." Hitler pointed out.

"Oh, right. Russia is still a country. It will be soon though, my frieeeeeeend." Putin called as he thew away his shirt and flew away majestically bare-chested to his country's crisis.

"Well, I guezz It'z up to me to be Putin you down." Hitler grinned evilly as the last of the Communists zoomed off.

~

In a Siberian Gulag, the guards clustered around the television groaned as the fifth Olympic ring during the 2014 Sochi opening ceremonies failed to open, making it seem like Russia has put a poorly-hidden disclaimer on the week's activities.

"Well, I guess that's that." one of the guards commented, before heading off to dust off one of the prison rooms for the technician who had had just one job. One job.

"Putin's gonna hate this." another guard observed.

~

"It's just you and me now, Hitler." the American said.

"No, it izn't." Hitler refuted.

"Huh?" the American said.

Hitler suddenly pointed at the sky. "Reich for ze skies, fool!" he shouted.

A portal appeared, and Hermann Göring appeared, flying a Stuka.

Before he could drop any bombs, though, the American used his freedom powers to summon a flock of bald eagles. The birds swarmed over the craft, ripping it apart, before taking the wreckage back to the Heaven to feed their chicks on.

"I'll uze my surprise mind control powerz." Hitler thought out loud, ruining the surprise.

"I didn't know you had mind control powers." the American said.

"Oh, juzt ze onez I uzed to convince ze German people to let me rule zem." Hitler revealed, as his eyes started glowing.

"Stand back, this might get ugly." the American said heroically to Equestrians, who had fled to the area minutes ago.

"Muahaha!" Hitler laughed, then: "Zis vill be eazy, like convincing Chamberlain to give me Czechoslovakia!"

Beams then shot from his eyes, enveloping the American in a demonic light.

"Shoot yourzelf!' Hitler ordered.

The American then shot Hitler.

"How!?" Hitler could be heard screaming as the body jerked this way and that from the stream of lead.

"I'm an American. I believe in freedom and rule of law, so mind control has no effect on me!" the American explained politely as he held down the trigger on his M-16.

When the fusillade of sparking bullets was over, Hitler crowed triumphantly, unharmed. "Fool, zou cannot harm ze Führer of ze Third Reich! I vam evil given human form and a voice!"

"I know something that can kill you." the American said confidently.

"And vat iz zhat?" Hitler replied equally as confidently.

The American reached under his shirt and pulled out a large, multi-armed candleholder.. Hitler's eyes widened in horror. "No, no! Anyzing vut zat!" he cried.

"Freedom!" the American yelled in triumph, and hurled the Menorah at Hitler.

When the Menorah impaled him in nine different spots on his chest, he screamed and melted slowly, an unholy scream filling the air as his demon soul left his body.

The Equestrians began to emerge from their hiding spots, wide-eyed at the twisted wreckage that had been Ponyville Square.

A portal appeared, and Theodore Roosevelt came through, riding a grizzly bear and dual-wielding impossibly large machine guns. Puffing away nonchalantly at a cigar in his mouth. "Good job, son. You've proven yourself a true American. I'm here to take you back to America." he said, waving a big stick.

"Well, it's been fun. But now that I've made sure the Commu-Nazis can't corrupt you, you can to embrace Democracy and live freely ever after!" the American yelled as he stepped through the portal with the former President.

The ponies looked around at each other, the unspoken question of if they were on Poison Joke passing between them with quizzical looks.

"But this is a monarchy..." Twilight said quietly.