Last will and temperament
It was a few days after Rarity’s funeral and a yellow-coated, purple-maned, green-tailed stallion known as Prismatic Bolt stepped up onto a podium. Using a levitation spell he unfurled a scroll and put on his glasses. He then cleared his throat and started off by saying, “As the executor of Ms. Rarity Belle’s estate, I have been empowered to read Ms. Belle’s Last Will and Testament.”
Applejack was rather unamused and a bit bored, so she said, “Well, get on with it, the bars open soon.”
Sweetie Belle was in a complete fit, and she could only do as much as scream “Oh, poor Rarity! Waaaa!” Her colt-friend Button Mash tried to comfort her, saying “Oh, there, there, Sweetie.”
“God, how predictably boring,” Twilight groaned. She had a royal meeting to attend to, so even though she normally would not be in this mood she had a lot of things on her mind. It was Rarity, not to mention.
Twilight’s assistant Spike thought the complete opposite, saying “I never worked for a kinder mare.”
Prismatic was not really having any of this. “If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading,” he said out loud. This provoked different reactions from the ones he was reading to, with Twilight groaning “I knew it” and AJ simply chuckling a bit. She was still a bit drunk from her mug of cider.
Prismatic then began to read the testament:
I, Rarity Belle, being of sound mind and body...
“That's a laugh!” Applejack interrupted. But Prismatic continued.
...do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. To my overly emotional sister, Sweetie Belle...
Sweetie Belle continued bawling, and Button Mash put a hoof on her shoulder, saying “Sweetie, darling, he's talking about us.” This prompted Sweetie to stop crying almost instantly.
…who grubbed with her colt-friend, Button Mash, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy...
“What?” Sweetie Belle asked.
…to Sweetie, I leave a boot to the head.
Sweetie didn’t catch the whole thing. “A what?”
No later than she said that did a black leather boot come flying from Prismatic’s podium. The boot flew across the courtroom and bounced right off Sweetie’s head. This caused Sweetie to shout in pain and Button immediately asked “Sweetie, are you okay?”
Prismatic was not done. He continued reading the testament:
...and another boot to her wimpy colt-friend, Button.
Another one of the black objects flew from the podium and hit the colt in the side of the face. “This is an outrage!” Sweetie shouted as AJ was laughing hard and clutching her stomach. She tried her best not to fall out of her chair.
...ah, but still, you are my sister, you have both admired the Carousel Boutique, and since I no longer need it...
This brightened Sweetie Belle’s mood, for it had been her dream to run the Boutique one day. “Oh, dear Button, he's too kind!” Sweetie said to the colt, who simply nodded.
...I bequeath another boot to the head.
A loud BONK was heard as Sweetie was hit square in the horn. It was a surprise that it didn’t break off.
And one more for the wimp.
There was another loud BONK, followed by Button yelling “OW!”
Next, to my alcoholic friend...
Applejack immediately protested “Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!”
...to dear Applejack, who has never worked a day in her drunken life...
Applejack didn’t point out that she was incredibly hardworking at Sweet Apple Acres and Rarity was lying. She simply ducked under her table and announced “I'm coverin' up my head!”
...I leave my stock of cider and three crates of my finest whiskey.
Applejack got up from under the table, now that her attention was grabbed. “Really?” she asked.
And a boot to the head.
Another one of the now dreaded black leather objects flew from the podium. Applejack was hit on the top of her head, yet the boot was at the right trajectory to knock her hat off in the process.
And another for Sweetie and the wimp.
Two more boots came flying from the podium and hit Sweetie and her colt-friend in the head.
Next, to my know-it-all royal friend, Twilight Sparkle...
Twilight rested her head on a hoof and groaned “This is so predictable…” without bothering to protect herself from a boot to the head.
...I leave a boot to the head.
“Uh! I knew it,” Twilight groaned as she was massaging the bump on her head.
And one for Sweetie and the wimp.
Two more of the accursed pieces of hoofwear hit Sweetie and Button in the head. This caused them to both shout “OW!” out loud.
This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Spike...
Spike put both hands up and politely declined “No, I don’t need anything.”
…who took care of me faithfully these many, many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea...
“Oh, I didn't mind,” Spike said modestly.
To Spike, I bequeath a boot to the head.
Spike shut his eyes and clutched his head, awaiting the impending doom. There was about three minutes of awkward silence, then Spike decided that it was safe. He then uncovered his head, sighing with relief.
And one for Sweetie and the wimp.
With this three boots were thrown from the podium. Two of them hit Sweetie and Button, and Spike’s was not forgotten. He got his boot to the head.
And so, to my cat Opalescence, I leave my entire vast...boot to the head!
A BONK was heard from the distance, as well as a loud meowing. Yet nopony saw a boot fly from the podium.
And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head...but a rabid parasprite--
“…to be placed in his trousers?!” Prismatic was wearing formal attire to the meeting, and this did include a pair of trousers. Prismatic was immediately twisting and turning in his stand, and after a few seconds he pulled out an M9 pistol and tried to shoot the parasprite. Though he risked hitting himself in the flanks multiple times, he was able to kill it, unharmed. He then finished his sentence, panting.
...and I leave my entire estate of 10 million bits to the Princesses so they can afford to move somewhere decent.
There had been a disaster in Canterlot, which was what cause Rarity’s death. The princesses needed a new place to live after it was over. Prismatic then rolled the scroll back up.
“Is that it?” Button Mash asked. This was then followed by other ponies asking “That’s it?” with Applejack saying “That’s disgraceful!”
Prismatic then shouted “Wait!” and he unfurled the scroll. “There’s one last thing for everyone.”
“Cover your heads, everybody!” Applejack ordered.
I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream.
This left everypony to ask “Ice cream?” with Twilight being more specific to say “Ice cream, that’s all?”
“That's all.” Prismatic answered.
“Well, what flavor is it?” Sweetie Belle asked.
There was only one possible answer to this. Prismatic shouted “Boot to the head!” and four boots flew from the podium. All of the ponies mentioned in the testament yelled “OW!” out loud as they were all hit in the head.
